Time for a new direction - DivorceBusting.com

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Hi all, time for a new thread.

Dropped off S with H tonight. Usually H comes right out, tonight he did not. Got S stuff together from my truck, as S was getting out, he asked, why hasn't daddy come out yet? I said, maybe he did not hear us drive up? S said, oh yes he did, he has a thing set up over there that beeps when someone drives in....

OMG, my husband has gone crazy. What if he has set up some gadgets around here to see what is going on at the house??? Ok, trying not to be as paranoid as him.....

I will take some time to process and think, but I am definitely feeling some big changes happening in me. With it being one year since H moved out, with not one single change, I am doing some deep soul searching. I would love to say, here is to another year of limbo, but I am just not feeling it.

I am feeling some sense of urgency to change this....I am going to try to quiet myself down in hopes of slowing down from making a left turn ahead to "doneville"

Your h may have had some problems at his "camp". He could have set the motion sensor up because the owner of the "camp" has been coming around. A lot of people have those sensors set up to alert them if someone is coming in their drive. Maybe solicitors have been dropping by trying to sell stuff....but the sensor thing isn't something I would be concerned about.

Sounds like your h had something else he was doing last night or maybe he was in a cranky mood and didn't want to have to put on a happy face to greet you.

Yes, you probably do have some changes going on within you. Make those changes work for you and your son. Nothing you say or do will change the path that your h is on right now, but you do have control over what you do on your path.

Sit quietly, the answers will come.

I wanted to post this link here to Was2Sad's new thread who has been divorced 10 years and it now appears that they may be piecing a bit.

Piecing After 10 Yr D

Thanks Job. I am doing some really good thinking and am coming up with some ideas.

I also have been thinking very much of a good friend who's wife decided she wanted a divorce after over 10 years of marriage and a daughter who is the same age. She pushed for a quick D, he did not want it, tried to talk her out of it, but finally gave in. Shortly after, she realized she made a mistake....they are now back together but remain living in 2 different homes. Everyone is happier than ever, it works for them.

I hope that story gives some of you hope. I will keep doing my processing and update once I think some things through....

Thank you for the link Job, I look forward to reading it!

Have a great week everyone

Quote:

Alright, Cali and Hawho, you are 2 that stick out in my mind that have the patience of Saints. Seriously, I read your posts, you guys are thrown curve balls left and right, and remain solid and calm in standing. How are you doing this?? Please fill me in on your secret....because I get thrown nothing but niceness, and I feel like throwing something, kicking dirt on H shins, and having a tantrum.

I really don't know how you guys do it. Cali, at least you are getting mini R talks here and there, so you know a bit what is spinning in W. Maybe it helps in having something to work with?

M, you must realize I always spit out my drink whenever anyone accuses me of being �patient� as its somethings I often find myself struggling with which I believe in any LBS who is dealing with an MLCr and their crisis , we are not talking weeks nor months here � YEARS are required .. YEARS. I think for me M, the biggest thing is I would not be doing anything differently. Strange as it is I currently have little to no urge to have someone else fill that void W left when the crisis took her (just starting over in a R at this point makes me do that �there are cockroaches in my pants� dance), when job compared it to the coma I was nodding my head in agreement because that is very similar to how I have approached it. I know there are times during this that we all would rather toss in the towel and call it quits, I have been there more than once I assure you �.� I may quit but not today� has been said in my head often during all this. I understand your frustration as you can not see if H is even working on things � if we can get a scrap here or there it does fuel us and helps keep us standing and its frustrating thinking we are holding out for God knows what and this all may possibly be all for not if they never do emerge from the tunnel. I do get it �. And as has been said there is a time when we all will know when to drop the rope and walk away for good � that is your choice.

The fact he did not come out �. I honestly think it was due to your mini-blast about the sitch � Pressure+MLC=Funtimes right? Their crisis and whatever they need to figure chit out � has little to do with us so the best we can do is leave them to it and during that time continue to work/rebuild/heal ourselves. Have you ever stopped to look at M now vs then? Just check stock and measure the serious amount of progress you have made in this last year �. I see a woman who has her chit together and has her house on lockdown making improvements and really took the bull by the horns �.. H even in the fog sees this. M just continue to do YOUR thing � if he wakes/peeks out great �. Do not feel like you are trapped nor tied to his sinking ship because you are far from that, you have blossomed into a remarkable woman through all this.

Hi Mleigh - you are too hard on yourself! You are among us, patient as well! Look at how long you've been standing with your sofa of a h. (That is not a typo- your MLCer is about as active as a piece of furniture!!)

But to answer, I have no plans to date. Even if I divorced today, I don't want to introduce my kids to another man. I certainly don't judge anyone who chooses to do differently. I do, however, regret telling my h this. In one of his clear moments we talked about things and I told him I was not interested in other men. I should not have tipped my hand. But he is snooping on me so maybe his wheels are turning?

As for reason #2: as I've posted, I went through a depression myself. It was the first of my life and a truly bizarre experience. H stood by me and now I attempt to do the same. Although, distance from him has shown me that my relationship with him/start of his MLC was THE driving force for my own depression. The irony!!!

Also, my mother was depressed my whole life. I did learn to borrow down into some part of myself to survive. I was the youngest and the only one to live with her alone. It was really hard. Sadly, there were times I had to put myself first while my mother put herself first. I am right back in that same saddle. Someday, maybe I will post some of the crazy stuff that happened as some of it is SO funny.

The similarities between my mother and my h make me wag my finger at heaven and say: heads are gonna roll when I get up there!!! (Okay, who am I kidding? *If* I get up here.)

I think in the times I feel like I need movement I ask myself, what do I want to do differently? The answer: not much. I work full-time, play competitive tennis, hike, read and do tons with my boys. I should be seeing my friends more often and this is something I need to orchestrate.

Let me ask you this: in the moments you want change, what do you imagine doing? Do you have other things you want to do with your life or do you mostly have discomfort with the fact that your future relationship with your h is unknown?

Oops, I posted on your other thread. Here it is again:

HaWho, you crack me up, �sofa of a H�!

Job, thanks for the link. I already checked it out and the story sounds interesting.

Mleigh, your story about you friends is also inspiring. You just never know what can happen down the road. I just don�t want to think that it will take 10 year for our spouses to realize what they had and chose to give up, and then want it back... I always had a hope that this process would be a bit faster.

I think I read it on your thread a recommendation to read about daughters of narcissistic mothers. I did� Now I can better understand why I was the way I was. My mother was not exhibiting all the conditions, but.. oh boy, there were quite a few. I think I dealt with most of the damages in the last couple of year, with the exception of the ability to set firm boundaries. I still struggle with that.

I agree with job. Your last conversation with H spooked him a bit. He now has to think about the answers, poor guy, LOL. He thought that everything is just going to be the way it is. You are still in the picture, doing all kinds of family stuff with him, but he has his own place and nothing to worry about. Sometimes you have to shake them off in order to get some movement in direction or another. I have a feeling that you are so ready to do that.

Hi M, I agree that your H's reaction is in response to your message to him. The status quo was probably pretty comfortable just now for him and you just tipped up the apple cart. I would agree with others, just take your time and what you truly want will become clearer.

Take care xx

Wonka - thank you so much for directing me to look into daughters of narcissistic mothers. She has many of the traits, spot on. Me as a daughter, I have the issues of boundaries, self esteem, fear of upsetting her, guilt...so many things that come into play in my relationship with H. I am on the right track of healing from her abuse, including no contact, which many do after trying to live with it, followed by avoiding contact. I have a new focus of some self help work to do.

Job - the sensors concern me because those are on top of the surveillance cameras he has inside and outside his place. It's like Fort Knox over there! He does not want anyone sneaking up on him, that is for sure. I enjoyed the piecing story, thanks again. Ok, been giving the coma scenario a lot of thought and have found it very helpful. Thankfully, it isn't the case, but:

H is unable to communicate with me about his thoughts and feelings.
H is unable to make any big choices or decisions right now.
I don't know how long it will be if and when he wakes up.
I don't know who or what he will be like if he does.

That is pretty heavy to accept but very true. I get it. No, it would not seem right to leave him or give up on him in this condition.

Cali - I actually do daydream about having someone in my life, someone with different personality traits then H. I miss having a companion. Now, in reality, would that be good for me and S right now. No. Would I be able to do that and hide it from S? No. That feels icky just to think of it. So, would anything change if I pursue D? Yes, but not a whole lot in my favor, other than being free of limbo. In all honesty, I love the way my lifestyle is right now and I truly enjoy my space at home, I enjoy being R free, I am so excited about the coming spring and summer, I even have come to enjoy my S free nights.

Hawho - I love your description of H! Actually, sad to say, even his normal personality can be quite boring. I am the lively one. But most the time, I was happy and grateful for H low key ways, compared to the drama marriage stories I would hear from friends. Little did I know H was just waiting to blow. Interesting that you see similarities between your mom and H, and the strain they cause you. I am there. I have been wondering if my stand to cut off my mom is what is causing me to want to cut off H too? Kill 2 birds with one stone, you know? To answer your question, I think my urge to give up comes from the huge disconnect that has evolved with H....more on that in my journal later.

Bright - I am sorry you too have issues with your mom. I hope we can learn how to heal properly from that.

Sotto - I agree. H is definitely acting on my message to him. I see a total change in his demeanor...

Which comes to me journaling some thoughts that have been swirling through my mind.

My message to H, that I am ready to finish what has been started, that I know I will be A OK. Ya, he did not like that. He has been short and sounded very down when he called S last night in a response to a TM I sent him. He couldn't look me in the eye the other day either. I can see, there was no reason for me to throw that out there. Those were just hurtful statements, and I do believe it hurt him. I learned from the best (mom) and I don't want to behave that way. I had already told him he is free to get the rest of his things, I could have just left it at that. I see it and lesson learned.

I had spent the morning with my girlfriend that day and did a lot of talking about H. I am seeing a pattern that it gets me feeling a bit riled up, a bit frustrated. She tends to not understand how I can be happy being man free. She tips from hoping H wakes up to trying to set me up! She means no harm, but my message could have been a reaction from that. I have learned that the less I talk about it, the better. I have just been feeling so many changes going on within me, it felt natural to try and talk it out.

So, I believe much of my turmoil comes from feeling completely disconnected from H. Basically, we live like we are divorced. Our contact is in relation to S. The more time that goes by, the further we drift from one another. I don't see this getting any better....

So I have been pondering some thoughts. Either I can get myself into the mindset, we are divorced, just continue to live my life as is and accept that until one of us is ready to make it legal. And of course, who knows what may happen during that time, but try not to think about that.

Or....would more contact be better for us? H had already expressed recently that he wanted to be a part of things I did with S, and I snapped back at him that he can't have that when he leaves his family. However, if I could balance in some family time without thinking of it as cake eating, without it sending me into a tailspin, it could help me to feel some connection with him. It could be the start of us rebuilding a closer friendship, then who knows what....truth is, I think we both like and prefer our living situation right now, so would it be bad to spend time together? Hard to believe I consider this, I have been so against it, but I wonder if in my case that might be a mistake. It could be pushing me further away. I am talking about ME, not H.

Just thinking it out and going to keep thinking it out. I just see myself drifting further and further away from having anything to hold on to with him. So many of my feelings are fading with our lack of time together, I find it harder and harder to see myself feeling close with him again. I would think that is normal, the less time you spend with someone, the more they fade in your life...

I am staying quiet, lots going on in my mind right now. Still listening for those answers. I know they will come!

hi Mleigh :-)

you are sounding so disconnected from your H.

The more you drift away from him the stronger you will be.
I have some friends too that flip from saying " move on, so much out there be happy" to " she will regret what she lost and come back".

i'll decide when it's time to move on. For now i'm good. Still working on me.

Still sad that they can't look at us in the eyes the way they use to.

Irish

Hi M, much of what you post above resonates with me. I find it harder now to visualise getting close to H again. I feel more positive thinking about moving forward alone, or perhaps with an OP in time. I've mostly stopped missing him as a partner, and not sure if I would want a partnership with him again.

My advice would be, let it all keep percolating for now, and only change your approach when you feel more sure about what you want. There's no need to make any decisions until you are ready.

Take care xx

Mleigh - it is clear from your post how much you have built your own life and how comfortable you are with that. You have done a really good job of moving forward! Kudos to you!!

One of the things that stuck out to me is that you mentioned that maybe some of this coincides with cutting the cord to your mother. Just keep one eye on that to be sure you aren't lumping them together.

Yes, I think it becomes easier and easier to see that distance between us and our spouses growing. I live with my MLCer and I talk more with the baristas at coffee shops than with my own h. Usually this entails the barista asking me how my coffee is and BAM, we've had a deeper conversation than I have had with my own h.

Of course it seems easier to move on as we've already pretty much done it. And because we're tethered to a person who, right now, has no interest in working on the marriage, that too makes it harder to see how the gap is going to close. It takes two to make a marriage and in all of our marriages, one spouse is in a walking coma.

I hope you guys know how much you mean to me. You truly are precious friends to me. Thank you for your continued support through this never-ending internal struggle!

Tonight is S night with H. H TM me today saying he had 7 am meeting, can he bring S home tonight? I told him yes, no problem. I picked up S, told him, he pumped his arm and said, YES! I love these nights! Lol. I love knowing he loves home so much

So I was just getting ready to head S over to H for his brief visit, H TM that he just left work and asked, since he will be home late, can we just switch nights to tomorrow night? He actually is already watching S tomorrow night while I go to a work event, so it makes sense. But he asked if he could come by to at least visit with S tonight? Hmmmm. That is new. So I joked back that Thursday night's are my chick show and wine night, but ok! I added that I am making tacos, that he is welcome to join. He said yes, with a blushing, smiling emoji....

I cooked. Having my MLC Toolbelt on, knowing the MLC'er can be very unpredictable and unreliable, S and I did not wait for H to eat. Sure enough, 80 minutes after his previous text, H TM that his boss asked him to get a bite to eat and talk, not to wait for him. He told me he was still coming by though...I told him, no worries, we already ate

About 1/2 hour later, he shows up, in regular clothes and his regular truck. For some reason I thought he came straight from work. Anyway, said he went to get coffee with boss, boss wants to train him, boss's wife is terminally ill and he doesn't know what will be going down in the near future. He invited H to attend a corporate function with him in Chicago the first week of April, which H pointed out, is during his Bday.

Now, I will admit, my first thought was, OMG, H is planning a birthday get away with some chick and making all this up! But immediately, that vanished to, why would he make up a story, he can do whatever he wants these days! Lol. It felt good to know that fear, that used to keep me up every night, washed right through me. Definite progress.

Anyway, I just STFU. He said he told boss he will let him know, didn't know if he wanted to be away on his Bday. I remained quiet and just listened.

So we continued to chat, he hung out with son for a bit, and was on his way. He saw a flyer for whale watching that I had printed out for son and I to do, asked when because he would like to go, told him I will let him know.

It was some time, a small connection with him, I needed that right now. A sign? A message from H in reaction to my message? Or just a random twist? Who knows.

M

Very well played on your part with H. I love that approach with dinner you took, like "hey sleeping beaut you are more than welcome to join but don't think for a minute I'm waiting for you to figure out when to arrive"
Knowing your sitch from day one I get the vibe he is at the least connecting with S but as your H does its at a snails pace ..... Wanting to go whale watching seems to be par for him Makin sure he still is involved .
I laughed at your thoughts on the BDay getaway, I still get those here and there and chuckle thinking if W did decide to run off and do something of that sort she would just be doing me a favor at this point ya know? As I've said .... Seems we get to a point where it's not that we trust them, we just trust we will certainly find out if they've done something that would overturn our applecart
As far as the "sign" ... I totally relate and might be just a small thing like w hugging me and putting her feet on my toes that keeps me standing but I think we need a crouton we can turn into a turkey just to keep us from slamming the door shut atleast God knows I need these things

You got it Cali! At this point, I am so ready for a reason to throw in the towel, that the fears I used to have have faded quite a bit. My confidence in knowing the truth always comes out and I will be fine is very strong.

Truth is, I need some nuggets to have a reason to keep standing for H. I need those random peek outs. By holding H at bay, I feel I have eliminated that possibility. I have not been ready for casual contact with H, but I believe that is changing....I suppose as we change our needs change.

I have built a whole new world and life for myself, and have been very wary of letting H in. Fact is, I am happy having my solo home, and it seems to be working for H as well. H wants to do family time, so if I am happy with my living sitch and in no hurry for him to come home, why keep him at bay, lose that family time for S, and keep myself from seeing peek outs? For some reason lately, it seems clearer to me. As long as I can do this without expectations, and truly just enjoy the time for the moment, (which I was not able to do for a long time), it's the only way I see possible for any type of reconnection. Having fun together, laughing together, is a truly attractive thing. I consider myself lucky to have this opportunity, I think it's time to appreciate it.

Back to taking day by day, but having the door a bit more open. I will see how this works for me.

Mleigh - you did a really nice job of doing your own thing regarding the dinner situation.

And as much as I joke about your h being a sofa, when he peeks over that fence at you, he does actually talk to you about work and other things. That is nice and quite mature! (I am impressed because me h is texting me to bark hello to our dog.)

I saw your post on my thread saying that it is attractive to see men who accept their aging. I totally agree!! I see a lot of little boy in your h, but I am wondering if he has shown outward fear or disgust about his own aging? Does he dress younger or do any of that?

Can you believe this is our reality?!?

Hey Hawho,

My H likes to play like a boy, but works hard as a man. The last year prior to Bday, he became very aware of his aging. He hurt his arm really bad wakeboarding and I believe that was an eye opener for him. He was dying his goatee and clipping off all the grey hairs he couldn't get. He started clipping grey hairs on his chest, then starting trimming it down real short. He had a real hard time with losing his hair and started shaving that real short as well. He spent more time grooming than I did. I kept telling him he was getting more handsome, but wasn't enough I guess.

At Bday, he started wearing younger looking clothes and wearing cologne. He chose to hang out with younger single guys instead of his married friends. He was going to concerts and bike rallies, car shows...things he never showed interest in before and went out a lot during the workweek. He was staying out until 3 am every weekend.

At this time, when I see him, he is back to wearing his normal style clothes. He has let his goatee and shaved head go completely gray. I never smell cologne on him or in his truck. He has told me when he does not have S, he just works late. His jeep does not look like it has moved from its spot since he has been in his place. The boat has been sitting at FIL storage for 2 years. Seems he got that out of his system. His world seems to be all about work, it is all he talks about.

It is sad that this is our reality. But we have learned to make our lives what we want it to be. The only thing I really miss is travelling with a companion. I loved planning Caribbean vacations and seeing new places. I suppose I could do these alone, but doesn't sound as fun. I can do with son, but might be better when he is a little older. I need that crystal clear warm water!!

It seems your H has also played out his youth? It's nice to hear he seems to be accepting his age lately. It's not so bad if you take care of yourself and keep your spirit young, you know!!??

Had a dream a couple of nights ago that I came home to H having left me several bunches of flowers around the house. He also was here with H and was very apologetic for our sitch.

So not much to update here. Having a low key weekend with S. I picked him up from H this morning. H was saddened by my news of a co-worker and friend I was close to several years back who passed away yesterday. She simply didn't wake up, only 44 years old, happily married with a 6 year old daughter. They think it may be from a fall a couple months ago where she hit her head. I was surprised H remembered that we had gone to her wedding.

Had a work function last night. I hate having to get dressed up, but I enjoyed good company, good food and good wine.

Got up and walked dog for a 2 mile walk before heading to pick up S this morning. I am feeling very blessed for my good health, son and fur babies right now.

I am very sorry about your co-worker/friend. Unfortunately, her fall and hitting her head may have been the cause of her death. This is so very sad. I think Natasha Richardson may have had the same thing to her back in 2009.

I'm glad you got out of the house last evening even though it was a work function. Sounds like you had a good time.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend w/your son and fur babies.

Hi mleigh

Reading your latest posts it seems we are thinking and feeling the same kinda way, so its comforting to know its not just me.

Its funny you and HaWho talking about the change in your h attitude to ageing. I see that too - when I saw my h not long after he left he was into wearing shirts (he hated shirts, they remind him of work and ironing lol) designer jeans and he was wearing cologne. Now he has grown a beard and jokes about the grey, his bald spot and big belly (result of all the takeaways and eating out with ow lol). He went full on into trying out all sorts of things to find what he "likes", including a relationship and got himself into debt finding that he enjoys everything he did pre bd, just would like to do it more often - go to watch rugby, car events, catching up with mates.

It seems that they go full circle, learning along the way that what they had was actually good and it just needed tweeking to make it great -

I like your dream - you never know, it may be the universe or your guides telling you to hang on in there - its a topic that has recently been talked about on my thread ! Whist its not known why we actually dream, its said its a way of our subconscious processing and within our dreams could be the answers to questions we have.

Your h is needing his time and space to become whole, to be comfortable with who he is, its a journey of discovery and acceptance - acceptance is the hardest part. If he decides he wants to be in your life romantically again I am sure you would prefer him to be a balanced healthy partner and not the confused jumble he is currently.

For you, wow, you sound in a good place, knowing that you will be fine either way, enjoying your independence. Within your m you lost a piece of yourself, so now you have found it again and like the feeling of being you, you can take that forward into the future, with the lesson learnt of not to allow yourself yo get lost within a r again. I think that is what a lot of us have learnt through this process and will go forward much stronger, happier, healthier .....and wiser ...individuals.

Stay true to yourself and you can't go wrong. You keep me going, I don't feel alone on this endurance marathon (which I wish I had know about in advance so could have trained for lol)

Hey mleigh, this MLCer aging thing is interesting subject, indeed. My H started doing more grooming right before the BD. I walked in on him once (came into the bathroom for something) and he was not happy about that. He started closing the bathroom doors at the same time too, I just thought I could go in there anyway as his W. But he became very private... He also became increasingly unhappy when we had to go to some event or dinner where he needed to wear nicer clothes, not just jeans and t-shirt. The reason was that he also could not wear his ball cap to cover his bolding head. So, now he lives in the place where there is no need for formal closing ever. I�ve heard some people said that they never saw him without a ball cap.

I also made my own life without H, but I also miss a companion when it comes to travel. As a matter of fact, I�ve been a bit stressed over the need to take a vacation this year, because I don�t have a travel companion. Oh well�

You are doing wonderfully! I�m glad that you came to the point when you are just enjoying what you have, including the family times with your S and H. I found that it also works best for me when I just sit quietly (like job says) and wait for the things to unfold. I feel that things are slowly progressing towards where I need to be. And one day a decision to go one way or another will be so easy.

Have a great weekend!

Hi Job. Thank you, I had a very nice weekend.

Hi Lou. I too find it interesting that they seem to go full circle and realize the new look and activities are not for them. Yet, they remain baking for so long after. Why is it that the realization that family is home takes so much longer??!! Very frustrating.

Hi Bright. My H also got very uncomfortable when I walked in on his grooming. It got to a point where I avoided the room all together if he was in there. I have been thinking about the travel situation. They have those travel groups, might be a good option to look into for us? We could probably meet some nice new people that way. As for sitting quiet, I try, I really do. And while I am doing it, I always feel more at peace, but it never seems to last long with me!

So, dropped off S to H last night. I brought my girlfriend along with me as we were going do do some shopping together. As we pull up, H is pulling the stove he took from here out of his trailer. We all chatted, then H told S, let's go, we need to get this thing in so I can make dinner. Friend and I said our goodbyes and left. About 5 minutes later, I realized we did not offer to help H get the stove in the house. Here I was more concerned, thinking to myself, about how long it would be before S got dinner! I felt terrible! So I TM H an apology and let him know we were around the corner if he needed us. We joked back and forth, he gave me a hard time, but said he got it. I had a great time shopping with friend with dinner after.

Today I had a termite inspector come out! It's not pretty, but not as bad as I feared. When I came home to meet the guy, H had come earlier that morning to leave S laptop like normal, but he also left out his water boots and some work overalls, right in the middle of the garage floor. Not sure where the stuff came from or why he left it there? I have put away and packed all his things in the garage, like he suggested, maybe he doesn't like that and is marking his territory!? Lol. It's not the first time, he has done this a few times in the last few months. I replaced his things with my things! A motley crue sticker from high school, my old licence plate frame from my black crx I had in the 90's that said "back in black", my old Harley helmet. I guess I am marking my territory too!!

So I got the report and TM H, twice, what was happening and that the reports are on the email if he wants to see them. Crickets. He has been hounding me about the termites, worried about the damage, then crickets? I almost sense something is amiss....like I did something to tick him off...but not sure what...

Oh well, mildly annoyed, but don't really care. Made dinner for S and his buddy tonight and enjoying having him home tonight. For some reason I really missed him this morning! To feel better, dog and I went for a mile walk in the rain. We went a little further up the hill than normal, and when we turned around to walk back down, we had a beautiful view of the city lights. It brought a huge smile to my face, such simple pleasures sometimes!

I'm glad you had the termite inspector come out. Those little devils can do a lot of damage in short order. Hopefully the estimate will not put a huge dent in your wallet.

About the crickets you are receiving from your H. There are going to be times when they do not respond. As I explained on Bright's thread, they can only focus on one thing at a time. If something is more interesting or involves them being in the here and now, they may not even look at their messages for a couple of days. He's not mad at you, but he's off focusing on something else. Keep your expectations at a very low level.

Continue as you have been and enjoy the time you spend w/your son, fur babies and friends. Stay positive!

Thanks Job. I always love your feedback. My son and fur babies are my world

Don't worry, my expectations from H are very low. I am just getting tired of accepting that, as I know I deserve much better, MLC or not....

Very busy busy!! And still going for next week and further. This week I had something every night. Next week I scheduled my truck inspection, to drive to Socal, and a 2nd termite inspection. I have a work business meeting scheduled too. I am going wine barrel tasting with friends tomorrow, while S is with H, should be really fun. Sunday is work out walk day with friend.

I went to my friends funeral on Thursday. She was 44 years old. Her H looks to be in a total state of shock. He got up and spoke of her, in tears, it was heartbreaking and clear how much he loved her. I couldn't help but think, what would H be like if I suddenly passed? Celebrating his full freedom I'm sure. Well, maybe not that bad, but he does not love me as I deserve to be loved....it was eye opening. My friend will be very missed, her 6 year old daughter has her eyes. I cried that I was not there for her in the end, as she was a great friend to me during a rough time in my life. Her death remains a mystery, but based on what people said, something was not right in the end. I vow to be a better friend, to let them know how much I love them and to make time.

H finally responded to the termite inspection last night. He TM me today checking that I am ok to cover his days with S in April if he goes on business trip with his boss, during his birthday weekend. I told him no problem, that S and I have the same week off for spring break. I told him congrats on the offer, that it will be a great experience for him. I added that S and I are leaving in a week for Socal, are you coming? If not, can you watch dog? Crickets....

So so tired of the crickets.....

Knowing I am reaching out, last resort, as I am feeling very close to the finish line.

My mom called my work twice the other day. I was at the funeral. I sent her an email, saying I got her messages. I told her I need time and space right now, that it's best she respect that while my full focus right now is on S, me and my home.

FIL TM today that he saw a pic of S, his hair is getting long, asked if he can take him to his barber? Sigh. S likes his hair long, I have so much animosity towards in-laws, wish they would direct their attention on their own kids.....at first I took it as an insult, like I can't take care of my kid. I do everything for him, buy clothes, shoes, school projects, never get a single compliment from these people while I am taking care of business while their son is in la la land...you guys all know, my life revolves around him. But a co-worker really helped me to change my perception of his TM, he was just offering to help. As I have learned, I can't change anyone but me, so my reaction to my in-laws is a huge goal on my list. I replied that his hair is fine, he has a lady in town he likes. However, In the future, I think best to DELETE. They can bug H, not me. Meanwhile, I picked up S today, bangs trimmed, thanks to Grammy. Now his hair looks funny.

In spite of a bit of a downer week, I am feeling upbeat and positive. I continue to exercise daily and feel great. I also have decided to test recipes on my co-workers. I started today with a roasted eggplant dip that they devoured. Lol.

I am realizing that life is what you make it. We have our ups and downs, it's how you handle them that matters. After a lifetime of reacting based on emotion, I feel I am finally learning how to take a deep breath and stay calm and peaceful. It's hard for me, very hard!, but it's who I strive to be. I get hit with tests, over and over. Sometimes I continue to fail, but I am beginning to see clearer the person I strive to be. I continue to grow, learn and change. It's a very challenging experience!

Wishing you all a great weekend!

Mleigh you are freaking awesome. I devour everything you say and am able to learn so much from the way you handle your ups and downs with grace to your PMA with hiccups in the road.

You sound very grounded and strong. What a great example you are! TY and hugs

I think you are doing great! Now, about your son's hair, I would advise both FIL and MIL that you will decide when your son needs his haircut and that you have a wonderful lady in town that does his hair. State that you have appreciated their assistance, but when it comes to your son and getting his haircut, you will take care of that. Granny overstepped herself (again) by cutting his bangs. You really do need to set some boundaries w/your MIL.

As for h, if you don't hear back from him, have a plan B put in place for your fur babies.

Enjoy your weekend!

Hi Butter, you brought a huge smile to my face. Thank you so much for the compliments. My anger tends to get the best of me, but I am coming along, still have a ways to go. I am actually a very nice person, but when I feel wronged, watch out! I am feeling pretty grounded, I am feeling more and more in control. That helps a lot.

Hi Job, thank you for remembering this is not the first time Grammy has gotten to S hair. It would be one thing if she knew how to cut hair, she doesn't. Now he has short bangs and long hair, it does not look right. I sent her a message, that once again and for at least the fifth time, I am reminding her it is not her place to cut S hair. I told her it looks worse than it did and that either H or I will handle having it properly cut. I guess I didn't word it quite as nicely as you. It's too bad, we had actually been getting along.

Did I mention her husband text me a couple of weeks ago? Out of the blue. I have not talked to him or seen him in over 2 years. He said no one tells him anything and wanted to know how things were going. Asked to meet for lunch. Last time we did that, I listened to him complain about MIL for an hour. I guess that is what he gets for sniffing around a married woman with a family, the grass isn't greener, huh? I just responded hello, hope all is well, S and I are great, and left it at that.

I wish they all would leave me alone. Hopefully as S gets older it will fade. H has no idea how lucky he is that he has no in-laws bothering him.

I forgot to mention, I am cutting the cord on cable! I ordered the Amazon fire tv box, and S and I will be living off of watching tv from apps, Netflix and hulu. It will save me about $100 a month! I am pretty excited. My box is coming tomorrow, I hope it all works out like I think it will. Has anyone done this? Let me know how you like it!

Off to getting S cleaned up for H. I have coupons for haircut, going to ask H if he can take him to fix it. I am very much looking forward to spending the day with my friends. We are getting a beautiful spring like break from the rain here in Cali

Hi MLeigh, I think you are right to put MIL straight - even if she thinks his hair should be cut, it's not her place to just go on and do it.

Good for you with the TV box - that's a lot of cash to save. I have a box and I tend to only watch catch up TV, and mostly BBC, which has no adverts. It's surprising how intolerant of ads I have become now, just through not watching them! Hope you guys enjoy your new set up.

Xx

Mleigh,
A question that you may or may not have the answer to...is your MIL passive-aggressive? The reason I ask is could she have clipped your son's bangs that short to get you to actually cut your son's hair, i.e., like now?

I don't think an email or a text message is going to do the trick. You will need to face her and look her in the eye and advise her that your son is your son and that you will determine when he needs a haircut, not her or your FIL. Sometimes you have to face them and verbally state your position on such things. If you don't, she'll just ignore the written word and go on about her business until next time.

In fact, if I were in your shoes, I would have to point out that since this has happened, you may have to think about allowing your son to visit w/a parent being present in the future. That might shake the old gal up a bit and give her something to think about the next time she picks up the scissors.

Hey mleigh, isn�t it interesting that we posted about these darn �crickets� at the same time. It does confuse me every time when I do not get a response to very simple things, especially after him asking the questions first. But, like job said, they can only concentrate on one thing.

I�m so sorry about your friend. My heart goes to her daughter, she is so young to lose a mother.

I used to tell H when we had arguments that if I die, he would not be too upset about it. He used to just give me an anger look, but didn�t say anything. Now, I can imagine that it was probably true and it was how he felt back then. It was probably a couple of years prior to BD.

Mleigh, you are doing absolutely great! I love reading your posts. You have such an insight into things and you describe your feelings so clearly. I see a lot of similarities in how I feel too, but you can put it in writing so nicely. Have a great weekend, GAL Quinn!

Hi Mleigh - just caught up and though I am late to the party, I ditto what all others have already said. You are strong woman and I always enjoy reading your posts! A lot of your feelings resonate with me, too.

As for your MIL cutting your son's hair, wow, talk about a brazen woman! Just want to add one more thing: kids do come to a point where they want to look a certain way and it is important to them. She should honor his boundaries as well. as yours. He is nowhere near a toddler anymore.

Perhaps you should grab some scissors and tell her you and your son will now cut her hair. I assume that would be unacceptable and weird.

All joking aside your son deserves to wear his hair the way he wants; it's important for his identity development. She's a piece of work.

Thanks guys. I truly appreciate your validation with MIL. Job, I wonder the same exact thing. She is a very passive aggressive handful, much like H.

While S was taking his bath, we were chatting it up like usual and I asked him, did you ask Grammy to cut your bangs, cuz it is ok if you did. He actually got a bit upset, said Grammy told him either she is cutting his bangs or she is taking him to the barber.

Oh boy,I didn't expect that, but that was the last straw. I sent her message of what I heard. I told her if she can not promise me to respect my boundaries, I will be removing her from the list authorizing her to take S from school. No more Grammy day. Guess what I heard back.....Crickets! Lol. So like her son. I will not back down and am ready for the war this could bring on. H has always sided with mommy, never has backed up his wife, they can have each other as far as I am concerned.

I expected to hear it from H, but he showed no sign of knowing anything when I dropped off S. I did ask H if he could get S hair cleaned up to match his chopped bangs, but we promised S he can keep his hair long, just clean it up. I will talk with S, that if not with H or me, he can say no to any type of haircut.

Anyway, enough of the hair drama. I had a really fun day with my friends. I am pooped and ready for bed, just waiting for my dang cat to come home. It's too cold for her to stay out all night!

Have a good night friends, talk soon

Oh Bright, the crickets after answering a question...I get that all the time. It is very annoying. At times, I feel like doing the same back, then I decide, I want to be the better person, be true to who I am, and that is not a rude person. When I don't hear back, my smile gets bigger the next time I see H. He is making it all that much easier to cut the rope. His loss!

I had a feeling that is what your mil did. You will need to stick to your boundaries w/her or she'll continue to do it. I also do not think that the "written" word is going to do it. I do think it's going to have to be a face to face discussion because she's not going to listen to what you have to say even though he is your son. She's been "the top banana" in the family for a long time and she's not going to listen to you and let's face it, your h is a probably scared of her in his own way.

I'm glad you had a fun day w/your friends. You needed a break and it sounds like you did. I sure hope your cat returned home and is safe and sound sleeping in a warm home.

Enjoy your sunday!

Mleigh - wow, Grammy certainly knows how to get her way in the world! Geez.

If she takes such liberties with other people's kids (I know it is her grandson but still, not her own child) just imagine the stuff she pulled on her own son. No wonder he is off in his own little world trying to figure out who he is. It doesn't sound like he was allowed to do that with her at the helm?

It makes me feel a lot of compassion for your h.

You are a good mom!

mleigh, I've been following your thread and I feel for you on the MIL issue. Your MIL sounds very much like my mother who has caused issues with me and w. If she is anything similar what she has over your h is probably guilt. My mother is a master manipulator and could always somehow make me feel sorry for her and/or guilty even after I was distant enough that I would (still do) go weeks w/o speaking to my family. I haven't stood up for my w like I should have (never sided against her)and now she has a lot of resentment towards me.

I agree that written word won't stick. I've had to explain boundaries with my mother as if she were a teenager (didn't realized I was doing it at the time. Not just giving a boundary that a sane person would understand and would know without saying, but having to explain why she can't do X or X and why. One hard one was telling her she couldn't watch my kids and why but it woke her up a bit. I'm sorry your h won't work with you on this.

Don't take it personal they don't compliment you on anything. If it is anything like my situation they probably don't know how.

Ugh. I woke up from a terrible dream of H showing up to get something. So I asked him, are you taking the rest of your things? He said no and took something of mine. He had total shark eyes, a blank expression and would not look at me. I lost it and started beating on him, so much anger flowing out of me. I woke up and felt drained!

I then checked my email and received a lovely note from MIL. A very fake sorry, she didn't know it would be a problem, his bangs needed trimming, and upset that I would threaten taking away Grammy day because she trimmed his bangs. She felt it was all a bit much and added that she was sure H is fine with it.

I took my time this morning with my response, knowing H may end up seeing it. I was very clear that this is not the first time this has happened, that she knows I am not ok with it. I told her I appreciate her trying to help but some things are for the parents to decide. When my son does not want his hair cut, it is not up to her to decide he does. I said I have worked hard to build a whole new life for S and I, in spite of having the rug pulled out from under us, in spite of not knowing our future, in spite of H emotional issues, we have come out thriving. I suggested she step back and let her son be the amazing dad he is by letting him handle these types of things. I told her interfering and causing friction does not help. I finished with saying that I would love to accept Grammy day just being about her spending time with her grandson, and that it is great, as long as she can simply just enjoy her time with him and stop playing parent.

It actually felt good to get some stuff off my chest with her.

Makes me wonder though, I can't get along with my own mother or my mother in law, is it me???

Icky feelings in me this morning, it's time to enjoy the sunshine and shake them off!

It's not you. I would have been furious that she cut my son's bangs. As you pointed out, this is not the first time she's done this and if I recall, you've had this discussion before. I think what needs to take place is that if she's going to discuss the matter w/your h, then you and your h need to decide together about your son's hair cuts. Granny likes control. She may think she's helping you out, but it's about control She knew that if she cut them too short, then he would need to have his hair cut. Think about how that child might have felt going to school and being teased about it. That's not a good thing.

I wonder how she would have felt had you gone over and noticed a long hair and snipped an entire clump from the front of her head just trying to be helpful? She wouldn't have liked it.

If granny can't do as you have advised her, then granny day will not take place. Plain and simple. She needs to learn to learn that she can't parent other people's children and do what she likes w/the children, i.e., cutting their hair. That's not her job nor was she asked to do so. Stick to your boundary and maybe she'll think twice about this after a few weeks of not having granny day.

Bingo Hawho. I feel MIL is a big reason for her children's emotional problems, but she would never admit to that. It's sad that I feel a lot of animosity towards her, it's work for me to do, to keep her from having such a negative effect on me.

Thank you for the validation Job. It would be one thing if S wanted her to do it, but he didn't and that infuriates me. I know face to face could be better, but honestly, I write things out better and calmer, and she has a way of shutting down during emotional conversations. This may work better for us. I told her simply put, S did not want her to cut his hair or take him to the barber, and she did it anyway, and that is what I have a problem with. I told her I need to know she understands that was not right. If I get crickets, her name is off the pick up list.

Unfortunately, it's not just about the hair. She has been a big source of problems during our marriage. I am not saying it's all her fault, she has just been one to stir the pot with H. And unfortunately, he sides with his mom, he has never had a problem letting her play mom with our son. That is never helpful in a marriage.

I am done with this today. My friend is coming over shortly for a walk and I look forward to some fresh air. It's a beautiful day, one I will enjoy! Not much into the super bowl, so just plan on hanging out once my son comes home.

Hi KYH. Sounds very much like my husband with his mother. He did not stand up for me. My co-worker told me a similar situation. His mother was causing some issues between them and his wife finally told him, you either back me up as your wife or Go with your mother. He really didn't realize how much of a problem it was for his wife u.til she really spoke up.

I think my H feels this is all no big deal. I don't think he does it on purpose, he is just used to his parents making the rules. He doesn't know how to stand up for himself. I have learned to keep him out of it and deal directly with her. She is usually the one who runs to him, as the victim, from that big mean 5 foot 105 pound daughter in law! Lol. So pitiful.

Mleigh, not trying to hijack your thread but since you're on the other end of a similar situation i wanted to ask. In regard to the mil issue, from your pov, is there anything your h could do besides apologize and take a stand with mil from herein?

Hi Kyh. I suppose there is really nothing to do to fix the past. I would love an apology, or at least, to know he would listen to my side, try to understand it and stand behind my view with her. It doesn't mean he sides with anyone, just support. If he could only accept and understand, decisions about S should be made by me and him, not his mother and him. But I would not want to put him in a position to choose sides, that is why I try to keep him out of it. I would love if he could help us to find a compromise, to at least care. To even ask me, what can I do to help? I just don't feel that from him. Hope that helps!

I took a 2 mile walk today. I still feel a little foggy but managing to get things done. H TM while I was walking and said S wants to show me how to shoot the bow and arrow. Fun! So I told him I would be over shortly. We all walked out into the field, S shot pretty well. H looked at me, mommy's turn? 180 for me, I said sure! H got behind me and showed me how to position the bow, I shot the target! Then daddy's turn. Was nice time spent together.

He had taken S to get his hair trimmed, as we had agreed yesterday. Said he washed dog too. I asked him why he didn't pick all the tanbark out of S jacket? He exclaimed, I already got stuck having to do things that S and dog hate! I laughed and rolled my eyes.

When leaving, H said he can't take 4 days off with us next week, but he would like to fly out and go to the safari park with us and stay a night. He said he could manage 2 days. Wow! I said sure, sounds good. I hope he follows through.

S, dog and I headed home. As soon as we got home, the blue angels flew over on their way to the Super Bowl, which is about 40 miles away. Awesome!!!

Job and Hawho, great point about S and I trimming her hair to look the way we think it should. I will use that if she continues to defend herself.

So, to end on a positive and good note. Someone had suggested I look back over the last couple of years and think about what has changed in the better with H:

No more shark eyes
He doesn't look at me like I am the enemy
He doesn't treat me like I am the enemy
He respects my boundaries in the house
He is working on his bond with S, and I am fully supporting it
He wants to spend family time
He is starting to join us on vacations

When I look at that, and I will continue to think of more, it helps me. Not saying I will not give up soon! But it certainly is progress. Something to think about.

I have been really busy, but hope to catch up on some of your posts soon! I am sorry if I have not been there for some of you!

Mleigh - slow as it may seem, those are some nice changes in your h. You know even if he does not join you on the vacation, it is progress that in that moment he vocalized wanting to join you! I do believe it's teeny tiny steps. He had a moment where he wanted to come--that is good!

As for your dream, I think I do the same. I hit this heavy duty processing that hurts a lot and then I get to a higher plateau.

That is really nice that he invited you over to shoot the bow and arrow! Nice 180. From where I stand and the little I know about your MIL, imho I am thinking it may be good to give h control just like you did here? If he asks you to do a few things, maybe play along just like you did? I suspect his mother served as a kind of movie director in the screenplay of his life. Poor guy!

Tell the truth, were you tempted to shoot the arrow into h's behind? You are a good girl that you did not!

Hawho, you made me laugh. I actually did NOT think of shooting his behind. I guess that counts as progress for me!!

Originally Posted By: mleigh4

Thank you!!! It did help and right away! W wanted to talk r tonight and this came up. I've apologized most sincerely over and over before and I know I shouldn't keep apologizing for the same thing but I changed the way I apologized and she accepted it, told me thank you and then apologized for hurting me.

Hi M,
Ah, you live in and about one of my favorite parts of your state! I think you handled the Momoutlaw beautifully. The hair thing is a really hot button for me. There's a school of thought that cutting someone's hair against their will is a power grab ... And you said she shuts down emotionally when confronted. I'm curious, has H responded in the same way to confrontation? You get where I'm going with this? However you can get h to respond, could you see if there are parallels to The Source, lol aka Mil? Dunno just thinking there might be a key here to a very old lock and a chance to possibly re-set things with h especially?

That's a great list you have there. As they say, keep building in the positives. I love that you didn't allow mils power grab attempt to control your day. You dealt with it and moved on. I agree with Job that boundary needs to be firm. This is the kind of crap that sent us into marriage counseling 10 years ago. I think rather than making it me vs mil keeping it about son's wishes/safety/best interests is a good way to keep the focus where it belongs: on the boy. Anyway late to the party but wanted to share since this is definitely something I've had experience with. Xoxoxo

Kyh, I am so happy to hear you had a good talk with your W! So happy to help.

Bttrfly, H also shuts down upon confrontation. He and his mother are very alike, I can see where he gets many of his traits from. I realize that MIL has had to do a lot of stepping in with her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She has had one daughter choose drugs over her 3 children, and one of those grandchildren have 3 children before 20, on welfare. She has mentioned another grandchild possibly being in danger by living with her mom having shady people over. I think MIL is used to having to parent children within her family, what she needs to realize is just because her son is off in la la land, I am not. She also needs to understand that I don't have a very big trust and comfort level with her, for my own reasons, and that needs to be respected. Thank you for your input!

Well, this has been an insane crazy week for me, lots happening! I will try to keep it short.

Monday morning I get TM from H. He wants to come on trip with S and I, but has an important meeting on Tuesday. He suggests flying out to meet up with us after, but doesn't want to mess up anything we have planned. I respond that would work, we could do safari park on Wed, and he could drive back with us on Thursday? He got very excited, said that works perfect, and put in his vacation request. That night I dropped off S with him and rushed back to work for after hours office meeting, with wine and appetizers. It was actually fun!

Wed I had 2nd termite inspection done and got a much better result! I let H know with TM. He replied right away that it sounds great and also let me know his flight is booked and gave me the information.

I cut the cord on cable and am enjoying my new tv life of streaming. So far so good!

I talked with S about Grammy day on Thursday, he said he would prefer hanging out with me at work any day. I let H and MIL know I would be picking him up and that he would be with me, and let H know I would drive him over for his night. MIL responded ok. BTW, she never responded to my email reply to her. I just needed a break from her this week. Hopefully we can work this out. She has a couple of S free weeks to think about it.

I drove S to H and we chatted over everything, the trip, S school things, his new work truck, cutting cable....it was a good drop off. He has not said one word about MIL. He either doesn't know or doesn't care?

So, I am liking the friendship level H and I have reached. It feels very real. I am also a bit surprised he is actually flying out to join us! That is a huge effort on his part, something I needed to see. I catch myself, letting my mind wonder if this means something, but I am then able to reground myself. I am taking this for what it is, enjoying the moment, the NOW. I don't want to wonder what the future holds, what it means. I want to keep enjoying my life the way it is right now. I have been given the gift of time and space, a nice taste of freedom, and I am liking it! I can't forget that.

My mom called me at work this week and I took the call. She apologized, cried about how much she misses me. Sadly, I just feel nothing! But I told her I needed some space and that if we can both accept each other for who we are and what we can give, everything would be fine. I unblocked her and so far so good.

Another interesting turn, my BFF just got hired as CFO at H work. I wonder how he feels about that!? I will be totally honest, because I can do that here without sounding crazy. I have always wondered if there was someone at work with H, a possible secret OW. Well, I may finally get that answer! I will now know if his business trip during his birthday is really that. I will now know if he has a date for his upcoming annual work party. I will know a lot! Can you see a big smile over here? Funny how things work out, isn't it? Well, hopefully there is nothing to find out and H and I can continue to rebuild our friendship. Today is the 16 year anniversary of when H and I fell in love.

S and I head to Socal on Monday. We pick up H at the San Diego airport on Wednesday morning. It should be a fun trip! Weather looks to be gorgeous.

I really need to catch up on some posts this weekend. I hope you are all doing well!

You've had quite a bit going on in the last week! I'm glad your h decided to go on the trip w/you and your son. I think all of you will have a great time. You just might see some of the old h peeking out from time to time.

As for your MIL, she'll have plenty of time to think about things and w/you and your son away for a while, she might actually miss her grandson since he won't be visiting for a couple of weeks. I think that things will settle down w/her, but you have to continue to enforce the boundaries and remind her. I have a feeling that w/age, she's getting a bit forgetful and who knows...a bit stubborn w/old age to do what they think is best.

Glad to hear you got a better result w/the termite people. Hopefully that issue has been resolved for you, but if you don't think things are going the way you think they should, call them back up and have them come back out.

I hope that you and your family will enjoy your time away. Your fur babies are going to miss you, but they will be there to greet you upon your return. Travel safely and one last thing....ENJOY!

Mleigh - so glad your h has decided to leave the MLC compound to join the living. Can't wait to hear how thick his fog is when you can see how he operates in the real world. Hope he is able to get himself flying into the right airport!

I hope you guys have a great vacation. Be forewarned: the days have been hot here; even at 75 degrees, it is a hot 75.

Have a great time. You have a great attitude going into it.

Thank you for the good wishes. We are pretty much ready to go! I am looking forward to getting away, but dreading to leave my fur babies! They will be in good hands though.

Heard from H tonight, first all weekend. Says he wants to see S before we leave. We decided he will come by in the morning before we leave since he will be taking dog for the first couple of days. We have exchanged some friendly texts this evening, joking back and forth.....nice to know he isn't on a Valentine's date! I don't know why I find it so hard to believe there is no OW. It's just so rare on here, but I guess it's possible. Hawho comes to mind for one. Either way, it's a comfort to know on days like today.

MIL called and left a message to wish S a Happy V day. Since I am teaching S good manners, I had him call her back to say the same.

I will try to update you this week on my MLC safari day. Hopefully I don't feed H to the lions. It should be fun, we all seem to be in good spirits these days.

I hope you all have a good week!

Oh gosh, my h spends so much time fantasizing about affairs I don't think he has any time left over for a real one. If he found someone to agree to his ridiculous terms while he still lives at home, this woman would have to be a BIG time loser.

Oh gosh, mleigh, HaWho, you both crack me up! Mleigh, if you H does manage to fly himself into the right airport, and you don�t feed him to the lions, I�m very curious to hear your MLC safari story. I almost wish I could be that fly on the wall (in safari world it would be a train or a protective fence, LOL)� After all I�m just around the corner� Oh, yes, and it is normally a lot hotter in the Wild Animal Park than the weather report for the city. Make sure you have plenty of water and sun screen.

You sound very positive about your life and the whole journey. I caught myself smiling when I was reading your updates. Very interesting turn with your BFF and H�s work too. Here comes the time when the truth is revealed, LOL.

I hope you enjoy your trip.

small world eh? should be very interesting moving forward with your friend and h's workplace.

overall you sound great and things seem to be moving along. enjoy your vacation xoxoxo

Hello, checking in live from legoland. S and I arrived safely last night, a 7 hour drive. Before we even got to the room, we made a quick stop at the bar to grab mommy a good cold glass of wine! At the elevator, another mom on her way to the room, screaming kids all around us, says I wish I had thought of that! Lol. It was well deserved. S and I had a nice dinner, he chose talking over playing games together. Huge moments for me!

H brought us breakfast yesterday morning before we left. I had a couple of questions about the house, while I had him there, and he was off and running to fix things right away. He is definitely an acts of service love language person. I need to try thinking up ways to return that. He got us off, checked the tires, wishing a safe drive, and checked in last night to make sure we arrived safe. We pick him up from the airport tomorrow morning.

I did not mention BFF new position at his company. She agreed with me that I will just stay quiet on that one. When he finds out, I will just say, yes! I heard! It's going to be interesting, that is his world, he may not like her being there, but not my problem. I get strange butterflies when I think about it, I hope it's only because of my long time fears, and not any surprises to be revealed. We shall see.

Time to pull my son away from the virtual world and into the real one. Thanks for the weather warnings, I brought layers to wear. It's actually a comfort knowing I am so close to many of my friends here!

I hope you all have a good day.

Oh! This reminds me of the Costco moment!!

Hope you have a lovely break. It does sound as though your H was helpful, and it would be nice to return the favour. Maybe a little baking or sending him off with leftovers?

I had to smile at the MLC Safari....I'm sure there are many kinds of vacations that would be made a little....erm more interesting.....by having that MLC twist. MLC cruising, MLC camping and so on...the list goes on and on.

Relax, enjoy and go with the flow. I'm glad your H decided to join you xx

I'm glad to come here and read that you and your S arrived safe and sound. It will be a very interesting trip to see how he behaves in the "real" world.

I think you are wise to keep "mum" on BFF taking a position at his company. It may not click w/him, but if it does and he brings it up, you've got it covered.

So, now on to the safari...lions, tigers and bears, oh my! You just might get to see the wizard before this trip is over. LOL! Enjoy your time away.

Enjoy the nice weather .... Been keeping up on you but not posting much .... Crazy you are literally 10 minutes from me lol

Ive been ready a lot and just wanted to say if anyone has done 'this' to the book it's you... Keep on being amazing and enjoy Legoland .... Spoil that kid!!

Mleigh - how do you like this heat wave? Safari Park must be a roaster.

Thinking of you and wishing you lots of laughs!!!

Ok so all last night I kept feeling anxious. Just having a bad feeling about H coming, wondering if this was a bad idea, I didn't sleep well. I heard nothing from him last night. Got up this morning and figured we will just plan on picking him up from airport.....but I kept expecting to get a text that he missed his flight.

Apparently he had a connecting flight at LAX. His first flight was delayed, the connecting flight left without him and two others. He missed the flight.

Ok so LAX is not far from where we are. He was panicking, fighting with airline, wondering if he should just fly back home and not ruin our day? I stayed very calm, told him he has 2 1/2 hours to meet up with us for 11:30 safari ride. I suggested he get a rental car and get on his way. He said ok, but I want a refund, I need to talk to this lady, where do I return a rental car? Again, I calmly told him, it will be ok, we will work all that out, but right now the clock is ticking and you can still make it if you go get a car.

Ugh!!!! I don't think he will make it. S and I are heading to the safari park and I am preparing for MLC to once again disrupt our world. He needs to just let it go, the plane is gone, get a freak in car and get moving!!! $160 his park and safari ride tickets cost!

I was able to change the safari ride to 2:00. Thank you to the angel I spoke with at the park!!! H has 4 hours to get there. He is still stumbling around the airport, his phone is about to die, I just feel like crying. I am honestly worried that this is all too much for him, he sounds so overwhelmed. I offered to go get him but then realized he is farther than we thought and we would still miss the safari.

Deep breath, deep breath. God help him. S and I are now heading to the park and hopefully H arrives safely.

I do hope that he can make the safari, but if he's not there, go ahead and do it w/your son. Try to enjoy the rest of your day.

Ugh. So sorry. Try to be patient. I see the MLC fog day in and day out. It's very real and until you see it at work in the real world, you can't even believe it. He very well may be doing his very best. Unfortunately, getting places has been a huge issue for my h while in MLC. He gets lost a lot and that's even when he knows where he is going.

I will be very curious to hear from your BFF how he functions at work. I know they compartmentalize but I cannot believe they do not seem off in the workplace.

See the effort he is putting forth. It really may be his best and he may be about as capable as a teenager or young adult traveling.

Hi Mleigh

just catching up on your sitch. I think you take everything your H does and doesn't do so well. Its not easy I know. but you are handling it all very well.

i really hope you went on the safari even if your H didn't make it. after all you will enjoy it with your S anyway. Maybe even better without the MLC catching up to you and talking only about his ordeal.

Have fun.

Irish

Hi guys. Thank you for your support. Hawho, it's funny what you posted because I was thinking the same thing. I have no doubt he was doing his best, he was trying. I imagine when I am really hungry, I can't think straight and get easily frustrated and overwhelmed, possibly a bit how he was feeling?

I wanted to help but also wanted him to figure this out. I suggested some ideas and left the rest to him. He arrived at the gate 10 minutes before the safari ride. I had food in hand for him figuring he had not eaten and he was very grateful. Look at me doing an act of service! What he did at the airport for 2 1/2 hours before finally being on his way will remain a mystery but I laugh about it. What a crazy morning, but we had fun. Job, I fed giraffes and pet a rhino!! I loved those giraffes.

S was so happy to see H, jumped into his arms. I can clearly see the difference in S when we are all together. He is more playful and seems so happy. H decided to sleep together with S and I in big bed instead of bunk bed, so we slept as a family for the first time in years. S between us of course!

We are about to head home, we have a long trip ahead of us. It's raining now, we just made the good weather! H entertains us, so it should make the drive feel shorter.

Hope you all have a good day.

I am so happy to read that your h finally made it to the safari and all of you had a great time. Please travel safely. Your fur babies are waiting for their family to return home and will be waiting at the door for you to love them.

im so glad H made it and you did such a kind thing by having something for him to eat. these are memories for your son to treasure. safe travels going home xoxoxo

Hello. S and I are safe back at home with our fur babies. There was so much love bursting in this house once we were all back together!

Our drive home was interesting. I drove, I actually enjoy driving, and H sat in back with S the entire ride. S was thrilled, it gave them extra time together. I didn't really mind....just a little weird I guess, but normal when you have 2 children, no? H slept most of the way.

I did a lot of reflecting about the trip while driving and there is no doubt that H is stuck in a teenage mentality. And even though I was happy to have H join us on our trip, it is amazing how much disruption he caused:

The morning he came to see us off, he brought the Safeway monopoly game and game pieces to do with S. We are both doing it and combine our pieces in hopes of winning prizes. It was just not the best timing for it, we got on the road an hour later than planned.

You all know the flight fiasco. Overall it worked out, but it took time away from S and I at the park as H kept texting his frustrations and I was trying to calm him. Having to change the safari time, planning our visit around meeting H at the gate....it felt like a time crunch that completely revolved around H and we missed seeing many things at the park.

When we were leaving the park, we needed to return the rental car. H decided while sitting in the parking lot, to pull out his newest toy. Virtual goggles. He was trying to set it up and showing son, meanwhile, I was thinking, can't we do this at the hotel?? So I asked such and H jokingly stated NO! Ok, so I once again pulled out my patience card. When H was ready to go, he looked up the rental car place and exclaimed, it closes in 20 minutes!! And we are 20 minutes away!! I pulled out my STFU smoothie and said, see you there! It's a good thing I had my MLC tool bag with me.

We were late to the rental drop off but thankfully they had an after hours drop off. H spent 15 minutes going through the vehicle and making sure he got everything while S and I patiently waited. then he couldn't find the drop box for the keys which I kindly pointed out for him.

Finally, we got back to the hotel, all starving. We went to the room first to get cleaned up and drop off H bag. I poured myself a glass of wine, H joined and clinked my glass. That was nice and we had a nice dinner. After, H was back to the virtual goggles. I tried it out and it is pretty cool! H played with those all night until we went to sleep.

Got up in the morning, drove home. After 7 hours of driving, H realized his truck was at FIL house, an additional 1/2 hour further from home. Originally, H had said to drop him off at home, that we could go home and he would go get dog for us from FIL. That went out the window!

Got truck and dog, then H remembered her food was at HIS house. H had forgotten to take it with dog. We made one last stop before home to get her food. This took an extra hour and a half before we got home.

So, all in all, was it worth it to have H join us? There were goods and bads. I enjoy having him around, but I do prepare myself to know it won't be smooth. I think in preparing myself, it keeps me calm. He certainly is exhausting, I am glad to have it back to just S and I today.

On the drive home, I mentioned I am ready to start selling some things. We agreed to sell the RV. I asked him what he planned for the boat? He said, frustrated and like he has thought about it too, that he can't wakeboard anymore since he messed up his arm wakeboarding. (BTW, that is what I believe threw him into BD) He said he wasn't sure what to do with it. I stayed quiet, but I do intend to ask for what I put into it back. It was 5k, nothing to sneeze at. As far as I know, the boat has been sitting at his dads tow yard in storage since BD, but I don't really know. I don't intend to spend another summer wondering if he is taking the boat out and with who. We only used it for 2 summers. I was against getting it, H promised wonderful family memories even though I kept telling him I am not a water sport person. S hated it, H put so much pressure on him to do things he wasn't ready for. Unfortunately, I know H had good intentions with the boat, but it turned into S and I just being a huge disappointment to H. Something good turned into a huge nightmare for us, which I now realize was a lot of MLC behavior at hand. I want a refund on that one. I will bring it up once we are actively selling the RV.

When we were leaving H to home, he was giving S a big hug, I told him I was sorry the trip turned the way it did, but glad he made it. He said it was worth it.

I still feel headed towards closure. The trip didn't change anything for me. H and I have a connection, but it only feels about S. I feel nothing romantic, it feels like being with a very high maintenance friend when I am with him.

The journey continues

So glad you are home safe and sound! I was kind of worried your h would drive and if you dozed you would end up in the mid-west. Not even joking here as getting places for an MLCer is quite problematic. You had an up close personal look at that!

Well, your h has a LOT of toys. That seems to be one of his band-aids. My h sold his MLC convertible back in the spring during a very low week. He too had toys and that week he sold many! I was happy to see the convertible go for all that it represented and because it just collected dust. It did not fix what ailed him.

I see the kid in there--sitting in the back of the car, the toys, etc. I also thought it was sweet that you all shared a bed.

Nice job remaining patient with it all. It's crazy to see, isn't it?

Glad you enjoyed despite the MLC special seasonings. Get some much deserved rest!

Funny Hawho, I didn't want H driving us partly for that reason! He just seems so scattered! Plus he commutes every day, I figured it only fair I do the drive. No joke, on one of our last trips home from Disneyland, FIL and H were in the front. After coming down the grapevine, H took the wrong exit and we ended up in the central valley. He will never live that down! Lol.

I forgot to mention that BFF came up during the trip. Her house just got finished and H asked me how much she makes. I hesitated, thought for a second, and said you should know? He said, how would I know? I told him, she mentioned she just got hired at your company. I was waiting for it, watching closely for a gasp, for him to turn pale, for a look of fear......instead he said, really? What position? He didn't seem very concerned which I was relieved to see.

He just TM me to correct me on her new position. She is controller, not CFO. I now remember she said that, my bad. He also asked me to send him some pics from the trip and he will send me some of his. I think my favorite is a pic of him and son, putting their heads through bat figures so they look like 2 bats. It just cracks me up.

LOL! The trick to driving around with a MLCer is just to imagine being with a senile person. It is exactly like that. I almost warned you about letting him drive you around but, I determined you would figure it out once you saw him outside his MLC bubble.

My h now seems to be able to get places again. In all seriousness, for many months he couldn't remember how to find places 5-10 miles away and these were places that we drove to all the time pre-MLC. Anytime he drives I am like an owl in the passenger seat.

That picture sounds cute! To me, your h is more childlike. If he's a teenager he sure is a nice one.

The memory thing is very interesting. When H was helping me with the MB shower head the other day, he couldn't remember how to turn it on. He can never find tools in the house either, they are all where they have been for 14 years.

hhmmmm. More like a child than a teenager......could be why he is bonding so well with 8 year old S?

I have to say, he was very much a gentleman during the trip. He held open doors, ran ahead to open them for me, insisted on paying for meals even though I offered, got me coffee without asking, made the way I like it....

Tonight we exchanged pics from the trip. H said it was fun, once he got there. I replied, "things took quite a twist, huh? But you handled it and got there right in time. S was so happy to see you!"

Weird thing is, I mean it. I know it wasn't easy for him, he didn't have his enabling, coddling parents there to save the day. It was all on him, alone, and he made it happen. Took a while.....but still!! Lol. I really am proud of him and want him to know it. For no other reason than that I care.

Mleigh,

I've been following your thread for quite awhile. I just love how strong you are and how firm, yet gentle and understanding you are to your H while he is in in MLC. I try very hard to do that with my own H, but I am always blown away by how well you do. You are amazing!

Hi MLeigh, I'm glad you guys had a good time. A few hiccups with the journey, but great that your H managed to make it and S was thrilled. I have to smile about the whole route/driving thing. This week SS told me he & his Dad were at our marital home and decided they would go to a nearby forest park. They got all excited & ready to go and then realised - Doh we have no transport! H has the car at his flat in the city flat now.

Sounds like you are doing generally well - calm & balanced - and I'm pleased for you.

Take care xx

Hi Ciluzen,

Thank you for the kind words. I don't always feel cool and calm! I am actually quite the hot head. It has taken me a long time to get to this detached state. Sadly, I think it has a lot to do with my train of thought....I really don't see H and I back together. I am not completely closed off to it, but I have a hard time believing I could fall in love with this man again.

So in thinking and feeling this way, his antics have become less important and not a part of my world very often. I also think, being separated, he is less able to disrupt, which makes my world a much calmer peaceful place.

Hang in there, it takes time to detach, it is a very difficult process.

Oh Sotto, it is amazing that they are not capable to think 5 minutes ahead of the moment. I see it every time I am around H. In a way, once I realized that, it helped in dealing with understanding the limbo state. It is way too difficult for a MLC'er to plan.

Started the weekend feeling a bit "blah" Feeling really tired yet not sleeping well. I think it is from being off routine, not working, walking or doing yoga has thrown me into a "blah" state!

Yesterday I dropped off S to H. Nothing exciting there. I did some errands and then went and enjoyed an evening at my friends new home.

This morning I woke up determined to shake off the blah. I started with a 2 mile walk. I piddled around the house and ordered some birthday party supplies for S upcoming birthday party.

I picked some flowers blooming in my backyard and put into a vase.

Best of all, I sat in the sun in my backyard and rotated between reading and closing my eyes. This is the most relaxed I got during this whole vacation! Just the quiet along with birds chirping is just what I needed.

H brought S home. H told me they saw Star Wars last night. He said they also want to see Kung Foo panda and asked if one week night we can go together to see. I asked H, did S tell you I want to see that badly? (which I do) H laughed and said yes. I told him it sounds like a plan.

He was heading to Costco. I need to go too, almost said so, then realized I didn't feel like going with him.....

I know he has been initiating family time, and I have slowly been letting my guard down and opening up to it, I am happy about it....but not always in the mood.

On another note, I was searching for a spare key when I needed one to have my friend feed my cat while I was away. I only have one, and I remembered FIL and MIL have a key to my house. I figure there is no reason for that any longer. I suppose I could let it go and just have more extras made, but I don't really WANT them to have a key to my house. That was H doing, not mine. I don't have a key to their houses! OK, I will admit, it's the principal of it and the stubborn in me.

I was going to ask H to get the keys from his parents but decided no reason to get him involved. Plus it would never get done. So I emailed them, stating I need spare keys and could I please get theirs from them.

FIL emailed back "What??"

I guess I could just let it go, get more keys made. I just feel this strong desire to cut more ties, one by one. It's getting stronger and stronger. I suppose this tie may be a bit silly, but it matters to me. I really need to deal with this anger I feel towards my in-laws. It comes and goes....

Going to make some dinner and hang with my little guy. Hopefully getting back on schedule will help me to feel like myself again!

FIL just emailed again that he does not understand. Do I think they will come into my house without permission? And that he would appreciate some clarification.

So part of me thinks, who the bell are you to question why I want my keys back?

Another wonders if it is really worth it.

Job, you are so good at these things. Help.

i would just change the locks and if they come over and try to get in, they will find out they can't ... that puts the onus on them to then ask you about it. . .

Lol bttrfly. Sure would, wouldn't it? I guess I stirred up the hornets nest here. I failed to remember that FIL must have his hand in everything and anything to do with his son.

I replied to him, No of course not. I need spare keys and realized it when I didn't have one to give my friend to feed my cat while I was away. I thought about who has them and figured it makes no sense any longer, but no big deal, I will go have more made. I didn't mean to upset you.

As you can see, I am much nicer to him than MIL. But boy is he overbearing. Geez, H must have had no space, privacy or boundaries with them. It explains so much.....

I can understand why FIL could get offended, but really, under the circumstances, he has no right.

So it's my choice, I can choose to make more keys or have the locks changed. Honestly, no one can get in with my new bolt lock anyway.....I just want my spare keys!!

I am feeling really emotional right now. Figured I would journal a bit of my thoughts.

I am hurting for hurting my FIL. Not sure why it bothers me so much but it does. It's not his fault his son is lost, and he truly was the first "father" I ever had....

However, I feel like his parents bailed on me as much as H did. FIL checked on me at first, but of course, H came first and I was left to deal on my own. I am sure that is where much of my resentment comes from. Having no father and a dysfunctional R with my mother, they were my new parents.

They are now a part of a life and world I want to leave behind me, that I am moving on from. They were not there for me. The need to move on grows stronger and stronger....and it hurts....and it's sad....but it wasn't my choice. I have tried, really tried. I see this pile of rubber behind me, and H, MIL and FIL are all in it.

I feel I lashed out a bit with the key thing, I think it's my emotional state right now, so I am going to lay real low so I don't do anymore lashing. I really do want my keys back! Lol. But it isn't worth hurting anyone because I am hurting. It makes me no better than my H.

Anyway, feeling some strong sadness right now and a real desire to be done for good. Maybe I have had too much time on my hands to think. I have been begging for an answer, some guidance. I feel very alone and in need of some answers. They come as slow as the MLC'er moves!

Thanks for reading, I am sure I will snap back soon, just having a low moment

(((())))

Not much time to post this morning - but sorry you're having a low moment. Possibly you are feeling the emotional impact of some family time? And then the exchange with FIL wasn't easy either.

Just take it slow and take care. Get back to work, yoga etc & all will unfold in good time.

Xx

Hi mleigh

big hugs to you my friend. Emotions go through cycles, sometimes leaving as quick as they arrive and sometimes hanging around, but the one thing they always do is move on. Your latest feeling will pass, so allow it to be felt and let it move along in its own time.

You are dealing with so much right now. Accommodating your h so he and s can have family time is a big ask of you, your feelings and thoughts are bound to be all over the place, I think your are doing fantastically well at keeping it together.

As for your FIL and the key - It may be that your inlaws have not really fully realised the implications of their son's decision. Perhaps they still see the house as both of yours. You don't owe your FIL an explanation or an apology, this is YOUR home. You explained why you require the key to be returned; so you can give it to others when needed, true or not, I would leave it at that.

In laws are a tricky area - I was really anti mine for a long time, so pleased to be free of them, I had the attitude of "yeay, I am no longer required to be nice to them or have them in my life", but now I see that they are my children's grandparents and if h and I do ever reconcile then they will once again be my in laws - the damage done now may stick and carry through to the future. So maybe just try and let the small stuff go for now ?

Look after yourself, find a way through the dark days because sunny ones are waiting for you.

From where I'm sitting, you didn't hurt your FIL by asking for the key. If he took it the wrong way, shame on him, i.e., after all you and your h are separated. You explained the reason for the request and I would now let it go. Get some additional keys made to have on hand and put them in a safe place. Don't give them keys to the deadbolt. They don't need them since you have a friend that watches your fur babies when you are away. If you and your h ever, and I mean ever decide to divorce, then change the locks. But for now, I think you explained yourself quite well and it's up to him to let it go.

You do realize that when you have "family" time which involves more than and hour or two, you end up w/moments of sadness? Why? Because you can see what life could be like if he would just wake up...but alas, he's not there yet and you are moving forward by leaps and bounds and he's still wallowing in MLC. Answers will come when they are ready, not when you want them. Everything happens in its own time for many reasons.

Pamper yourself a bit today.

Sotto, Lou, Job, thank you for hugs and being there for me. I slept terrible and had a bad dream that H got an attorney, who contacted me to let me know to get one too.

I accept I stirred up trouble by asking for my keys, I should just have the other bolt lock keyed to match my new one and Walla! Or just get some extra keys. That being said, it's done, however I continue to be quite ticked at FIL reaction. Who is he to dictate who has keys to MY house!!?? Unbelievable but not worth it, I am letting it go. If H asks me about it tonight, I will answer with a question. Why do your parents need keys to the home I live in? And maybe Did you give them keys to your place?

I have gotten myself an answer to a big question though!! Why do I have so much anger towards my in-laws? Ya, they are overbearing, annoying and controlling, but most parents are. The reason is I feel abandoned by them. They have not been there for me, have not checked to see how I am, check to see if I need help with anything.....they don't even talk about what has happened. When I see his parents, they act as if nothing has changed...There is no talk about my feelings, H feelings, their feelings....it's total avoidance and denial, total la la land. I truly feel they bailed on me when H did.

So, what to do with that? Feel it, process it and learn to let it go. I have already cut them out of my world as much as I could, best to keep it that way.

Lou, you are right, they are my son's grandparents and I will respect that

Feeling a bit better today. It feels good to be busy at work again. Thanks again and hope you all are having a better day

Hi Mleigh4,

I don't post often to other's threads (my bad) but I do follow a lot of folks here, including you.

I wanted to chime in on in-laws. I'm don't recall exactly what the dynamics were prior to h's MLC, but it sounds like your MIL was difficult before all this happened (she actually sounds a little like my own mother in some ways). Throw in the MLC and things can get even more dicey.

I think that when this kind of stuff happens, the in-laws (as well as your own family) really don't know how to act or respond. H has changed, you have changed, the life you all shared has changed and they are clueless as to what happened. It must all be so confusing to them.

I think you are right to lay down some boundaries with them. Life as they knew it is not the same and the boundaries are different now. They just need to learn what those new boundaries are. Kudos to you for putting forth the effort to teach them. They are, after all, your S8s grandparents, so some kind of mutually acceptable R has to be considered, for S8s sake. They need to learn and, unfortunately, it seems that it has fallen on your shoulders to do it. It's a tough wire to walk, but I think the effort put forth now will make life much easier for you and S8 in the long run.

I also wanted to add that traveling without a companion is not all that bad. I do it often and actually kind of enjoy it. I don't have to accommodate anyone else's ideas of what would be fun and can avoid doing things that really don't interest me. I always plan what I do around what would be enjoyable to do by myself and, surprisingly, I've met some very interesting people. Another thing I have discovered is that once hotel people realize you are on your own, they go over the top to help you out and "cater" to you. I may look like some sad Miss Lonely Hearts, but I get to take full advantage of those who "pity" me. Sad, but it seems to be true, and I've learned to use it.

My best to you and your S8.

Hi Mleigh,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it. {{{{{hugs}}}}}. Don't really have much to add to everyone else's posts, just sending love and hugs your way.

oxoxoxoxox

Hi Mleigh - so sorry you have had a rough few days. I am thinking of you and want to lend my support.

I don't have anything to add in the way of advice but I want you to know I am thinking of you. That is very painful that your in-laws fell off the map through all this.

You are such a strong inspirational woman! Be kind to yourself.

Hi 2times, thank you for posting. I was really close to MIL prior to my son being born. She was amazing, helped me through the birth, I don't know what I would have done without her. After the birth, things changed. H listened to her over me as far as helping me with son. Ie, He refused to feed him a bottle, his mom said it caused nipple confusion. He kept tightly swaddling son, although it was clear he hated it. Nothing I said mattered, H listened to his mom. It went downhill from there, she would not stay out of our parenting.

FIL joined us every year on family vacations for a good 5 years. I love him very much, but again, things changed at BD. FIL helped us each move out, he gave H information on divorce and how to protect himself, he has helped H get very comfortable and settled in his new home, the home he left his family for. I know blood is thicker than water, it is very clear who they support and they have hurt me.

For those reasons and many more, I have pulled away from them. Maybe they see how strong I am, and see H is the one in need of help, I don't know. But enough of that pity party

I am so excited to try some solo travel!! I have never had an issue doing things on my own, in fact some of my best moments are alone time. I am starting to look up some information, I see they have travel groups for this exact purpose. Thank you for the advice!

Bttrfly and Hawho, thanks for the hugs. It worked, I am feeling much better!

I love being back at work. Crazy how being off my routine really throws me for a loop. It's become a comfort I suppose.

Dropped off S with H last night very friendly as normal. Chat and laughs, no mention of in-laws.

I had dinner with my friend and we went for a nighttime walk. Did you see the moon last night? Beautiful! Finished off with yoga for insomnia before bed and finally slept well!

Did morning walk with dog and there was that moon again, along with a beautiful sunrise. Having a good day and once again feeling very positive. I am looking forward to getting some information on solo traveling, what a great adventure that would be!? I feel good things coming my way.....

Guess what I got in the mail today!? FIL mailed me my house key! Just the key in an envelope. I started cracking up at the mailbox

At least I can laugh about it now, but I am pretty sure it's not so funny to them!

I wonder if MIL will do the same? I never did hear back from her about it, those lovely PA crickets she does so well.

Hope you are all having a good day. It's a very warm day here in Cali!

Nice you had a good laugh. I am at that point too. Where I can look at all this and laugh. Sure we will have some down days but a good laugh now and again is very welcome.

Glad your weather is warm. Ice rain and snow here for me. Maybe we can do an house exchange program. loll I'll take anything with 70 degrees and warmer.

Mleigh, I was reading your latest posts about your in-laws and thinking about what a strong woman you are. Most people have some family support, either the parents, or in-laws, or siblings, or the grown up kids� You don�t get any support from your Mother, or from your on-laws. Your son is still very young. I don�t remember if you have any siblings. I know how difficult it can be. I don�t have good relationship with my parents. I get no support from them. I don�t have in-laws. But I have my son, who at least comes to help me with some house stuff, and I know he will be there for me if anything happens. I also have my sister, who sometimes gives me a lot of grief, LOL. But, I still can call her and confine my feelings (sometimes it does me no good though, LOL.)

I don�t see why your in-laws should have the keys to your house, especially since your H is not living there. So, good for you getting the keys back from your FIL. He really doesn�t need to have them, especially after doing all that �advising� to your H regarding the D and other stuff. It is actually kind of weird in my opinion. Did he ever think about your son, his grandson when he was advising his son on protecting himself in a D process?

I�ve been thinking about joining some travel group too recently. I don�t like solo travel, except to the places where I�ve been before and feel comfortable about, like the vacation home place I go to. I even looked up the travel groups online three years ago. I was desperate then, still too heartbroken after the BD. I think I have a different prospective now, I need to look it up again. Maybe we end up in the same travel group, LOL. It would be fun!

I had to shake my head and chuckle over your "mail". I'm glad you got your key back...but that doesn't mean he didn't make a copy. Continue to deadbolt your door when you aren't home. Now, if your MIL will give you her key, you'll be good to go. After all, it is your home for the time being and you certainly don't want someone just walking in unannounced.

As for travel groups, I've used them quite often and have found them a lot of fun and you do meet a lot of new people. I've stayed in touch w/some "new" friends for over 15 years and have visited them in their areas and vice versa. I recommend them, especially if you are traveling alone in a foreign country.

at least you got the key back M ... where do you want to travel to? I'm frankly scared to go to Death Valley alone. I've never been to the desert, and would need to go hiking to do what I want there. I admire your bravery !!! xoxoxo

Irish, let's house switch! I only get to the snow every few years, but I always enjoy it!

Bright, I don't have any siblings. I am closer with my friends than my family. They are my family. I have some great friends that have held me as I cried and hug me when I laugh. I feel fortunate for that. We should travel together!

Job, I don't think my in-laws realize I have moved on. They may now. Did you travel with all strangers? That would be so out of my comfort zone, but it really intrigues me. I am up for it.

Bttrfly, be careful hiking alone in the desert! It sounds fun though. I am craving the beach, the Caribbean calls me constantly. I could just sit myself on a beach with a mai tai and a book and be happy as a clam. Dinner alone is my only fear, but I see people do it all alone. A cruise would be perfect for me too, in fact, on past cruises, I yearned for alone time. That may be my best place to start.

Yesterday morning, S asked to not do Grammy day...again. Fine except I had a hair appt. I TM H to see if he could pick up S from me, or switch nights. We decided to switch nights and S hung out with me. H let Grammy know.

So, exchange from H from left field last night. H TM me an article..."10 steps to a chore system for your child" he says it's an article he came across when looking up certain behaviors from S. Says if I don't agree or am not interested, he won't be upset. That he is not accusing me of anything or telling me what to do. That S is a great kid, has lots of friends and does well in school, but is concerned with his future and he is trying to prepare him to be the best he can be. He added that he knows I can come back with things that he has done or do that I don't agree with, and that is fine, he just wanted to share this.

Did I miss something? Why can't he just say, here is a great article on chores to get our lazy kid to work!? Lol.

It's almost like he has a panic attack about our son, he gets so concerned about how he will turn out....do you think he is actually looking within? Opening up? Maybe worried S may end up the same? Worried about his influence? I know we can't get in his head, but could he possibly be doing some self assessment?

In the past, this kind of text would have really annoyed me. It would have set off blame and finger pointing. I see it very differently right now....however, my guard is up. Wondering what, or who, set this off....

I replied to him, "whoa, I thought we got past this? I agree, chores are very important. Thank you for sharing, I will read it"

He replied thanks with a smiley face.

He came to pick up S tonight. Asked at 5 if he could run by Lowe's first, showed up at 7. He made comments about S playing his game, felt what he was watching on YouTube was too violent, (he follows a user-friendly mine craft youtuber), asked don't I know what he is watching? Made a face about a part in a comic book S made and drew where a snake says, I am going to kill you to another snake. Then didn't like a game S wanted where a car crashes......I am very cautious and aware of what S does....H is going overboard!

What is this and where did it come from? He was doing so well, he has gone right back to BD behavior. Making mountains out of molehills and picking fights. I didn't bite, he just isn't worth a fight to me right now. He can fret and spin. S is a normal kid, I am always aware of his doings, I make sure it is all age appropriate, but do not want him sheltered either.

S has his buddies coming over tomorrow for a birthday party. Pizza and cupcakes! H says he will pick up and bring the pizza if I want. I sure hope he snaps out of this mood he is in. Tomorrow will be all about fun! His negativity and paranoia are not welcome.

I really hate my auto correct. I meant to say S follows a kid friendly youtuber.

Ugh. 10 o'clock at night and now H is blowing up my phone again over S. Said S got all upset because H asked him to help him make corn bread. H is having a fit and his text is pure spew. More of the "get mad if you want" and "go ahead and think I am bad or Grammy is bad"

I responded nice and calm, agreeing that S needs to help more without the drama and agreed we can put our heads together and come up with a plan that keeps it consistent for each home. I also assured him that I want him to talk with me about his concerns, that we are in this parenting thing together.

Meanwhile, he continued to spew, while I was typing my nice and calm reply, that he grilled S on what he helps me with and he doesn't want his son growing up to be some unproductive selfish adult.

My poor son, we were having such a nice night, getting ready for his party tomorrow, until H got him.

I replied to H, geez H, where is all this anger coming from????

Crickets

Why does something tell me Grammy gave him an earful yesterday, after being shunned on Grammy day once again. I can't prove it, but would bet money on it. Something has set H overboard once again....

AND there you have it. He just TM me again, about me getting upset with his mom for cutting S hair. Bingo!!!

Oh Mleigh - a trip away sounds great! I know parts of it can be hard but when I went away on BD anniversary, I loved it. I find headphones to be a life-saver, especially at the beach where for some reason many men seem to think that any woman all by herself is on the market?!? I put them in even when I wasn't listening to music and was left alone. At dinner I brought my iPad but mostly people watched. It will rejuvenate you!

As for your h's recent behavior, sounds like he wants your son in a bubble. LOL! Maybe he is scared s will grow up before him. Ha ha.

Eventually your son will go to some friend's houses and be exposed to lots of things which you wouldn't necessarily approve (especially if that home has older siblings). They begin to text and learn all sorts of things in those conversations. They are naive at first and have no idea that those conversations can be viewed by parents, forwarded to principals or to other people. Your h can't shelter him from it all. Your poor h may struggle with the loss of innocence. It's hard.

Concerns about violence are prevalent these days. Many parents don't realize that it's not usually "violent" play. Typically, it's hero play! And a hero needs a villain. If you probe your son on what was going on with those two snakes, it probably boiled down to hero play or even a justice scenario. Maybe one snake was evil and the other was protecting. Probably wasn't two drug dealing snakes fighting over a deal gone bad. LOL! There's a lot of thought that we are shaming boys when we tell them they can't play in any way that is remotely violent (as it is really hero play).

Nice job just not engaging. Like you said not worth it as you are on top of it.

I am sure your son will have fun at his party!!

I said she had no right to cut his hair, that I try to keep things between me and her, but she loves crying to him, that I discovered that when she accidentally emailed me instead of him to complain about me, but she has never caused us any problems, right?? I asked him to calm down, don't take it out on S, and we will work on the chores.

He accused me of encouraging S to not see his mom. Says I think she doesn't deserve to see her grandson. Then says S says he just gets bored with her. So obviously that is all coming from her? Says he doesn't even know how to overcome what I am teaching him. That I need to think about what I am doing to him by being his best friend instead of parent. Then said he and S had a good talk and are now snuggled up watching a show they BOTH like. Then added it's perfect timing, to watch the episode of Last Man Standing they are watching to learn how to be a parent.

Wow. It's been a long time since he has flipped out like this. His TM"s are so ridiculous, just total spew. I stopped responding and tried to do yoga but can't stop shaking. I just have to shake my head though. They think lack of chores will be harmful to my son, not the emotional dysfunction they bring on.

I can't even imagine being around him tomorrow.

I just can't believe the power she has over him, to get him to just totally turn on me? Things have been so well, all he can come up with is me being lazy on chores....and go off on me for an hour about it?

To answer your question, yes, I travel w/groups of strangers when traveling w/tour groups. Sometimes a friend will go along, but that doesn't always happen and within a day or so, you make new friends.

I hate to say this, but your MIL is behind the chores article as well as the anger your h was exhibiting. She's pulling out all of the stops to get her grandson over there. She doesn't want to admit that she is the reason that you had the email discussion w/her about his haircut. She is trying to not only control, but manipulate your h into brow beating you into your son going to Granny's.

I don't think your h is the one coming up with the chores. He was content to have your son over there in the beginning and now he's pushing chores and the games/shows your son watches. I hate to say this, but you most likely will need to have a serious sit down, face to face conversation w/your h about his anger, expectations and yes, his mother. This is going to continue to escalate and create some serious friction for all of you if you don't nip it in the bud and soon. There are some instances whereby you can't be super friendly when trying to get your point across and she's probably still miffed about the haircut incident as well as the request for the key. You are your son's mother and she needs to respect your decisions, as well as your son's if he doesn't want to go over there.

Mleigh4, as I read the posts above, the word that came to my mind was "control."

I could be way off base, but when you expressed your displeasure about Grammy cutting S's hair, you reminded her that you control what happens or doesn't happen as far as raising your S and it's not her place to interfere without running things by you first. Obviously, your h plays a part as well, but S lives with you and you have become the primary parent in the everyday stuff that goes on in your S's life.

It looked as though you and h were doing okay in the co-parenting department until MIL got in h's ear.

From the outside looking in, it looks as though MIL is using your h to try to gain control that does not rightfully belong to her. She obviously knows what buttons to push to get your h all riled up.

Does MIL know your S doesn't want to go over there? That could add to it, too.

In the long run, you have to do what's in your son's best interest and this kind of animosity between the adults in his life is not good. Job is right. You have to nip it in the bud.

I know ... easier said than done.

{{{Mleigh4}}}

Wow Mleigh. Just caught up. You've already received great advice from Job and 2Times2Many.

But, your h's comment that he doesn't know how to overcome what you are teaching?!? Make sure you don't listen to that for one second. You are a really good mother and don't let them take that away from you.

I am really sorry. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to let it ruin the moment for you today. Thinking of you.

Hi guys

Hawho, I was wrong, the comic is about a balloon and a cactus. The balloon is rolling towards the cactus so the cactus yells, I'm going to kill you...it's a warning not a threat. So like you said, H was a bit overboard being concerned about that. S is not violent, he doesn't hit, he doesn't yell and he is very kind to animals and his friends. But I do keep him away from violent movies and tv shows. H needs to get a grip.

Job and 2times, great advice. MIL has a real hold and influence on H. I went for a 2 1/2 mile walk with my girlfriend this morning and had a good talk. It really cleared my head. This is where I am at:

I will keep this simple and keep it about our son. Yes, I am lazy on chores with him, just easier to do myself! But it's time to get better about that. I plan on getting a plan in place with H, so we are consistent with him in both homes.

As far as MIL, if she comes up, this is the truth and what I will tell H......I'm sorry she gets into his head the way she does, but I will no longer play into that dysfunction. That all belongs to a life that I am leaving behind me, because I have moved on. We have all had to deal with big changes and adjustments, and a new transition is happening with S. I can understand MIL fear of her grandson not wanting Grammy day anymore, but it's not me. This is his choice and they are the ones to work on that.

You guys, I feel FREE! I read those text messages from last night again and I am so proud of myself. I stayed calm and nice. As H was taking stab after stab at me, I did not say one mean thing or throw one single thing at him. Not one!!! That is huge and I really like the way I handled it. I just got this overwhelming feeling that they can't touch me anymore. So FREE!

I went to pick up S, singing the whole way. I stayed upbeat and happy. H said to let him know when to get pizza, I told him will do with a big smile.

I got this

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