I read andrewp
the last time I visited, also in pain
. Got me to thinking.
I have not gone back to see my posts since I came to DB. I am not sure why, it's not that I didn't think of it. I may have felt a little shaky, especially since nothing was really resolved, so I chose to not 'dig anything up.' At the moment, my tentative plan is Jan - March 2017 (March would make it 3 years since this all began).
In 2014, I didnt know up from down or left from right, as emotions merged together in a soup of chaos & anxiety. There was a desperate, ongoing restlessness & urgency within, that could not be shaken. You have been there - some of you are (unfortunately) just getting on board. To say I was saddened, was simply not 'adequate.'In this forum
- there were so many different personalites to 'e-meet' - with differnent background experiences, & yet we met here because of commonality. All of us carried varying 'hurts' at different times along the way, relative to our development & socialization, different insecurites, successes, failures, up to this point, and then some more along the way here at the forum! We were (& continue to be) all in this 'soup', within various stages of maturity concerning our shared experiences. Trying to decipher so much at the same time as what was happening, wasn't always easy for me. It isnt easy for all but for some it is harder relatively speaking.
Can we be in an infinite number of places at the same time, & expected to closely pay attention to each scenario ??
I was so 'all-emotional' with the dominant emotion being fear. Fear consumed me. I couldn't see the extent of anything. When you're IN the whirlwind, vollently swirling around - you can't see the mass, the dimensions, the bleek colours. You're IN it!! It is only time & distance that propels you out of it. At some point, when you look back, you see the whole sick entity of which you were a part. AND you're STILL suffering from all that 'motion sickness!'Cowardly
I don't (or others) consider myself a coward BUT I am seeing more & more that I was in my M. I did not 'make waves.' To make waves, would result in only the tsnaumi type wave(!), which would then take me for a hell of a ride, before being drowned in its fury. Again, these events are 'easier' to handle for some than others. I have a trememdous amount of fear issues & those distracted & impacted on me even when I was NOT aware.
I am learning more with time. I had no idea re: the enormity of my 'fear situation'. This has been a valuable learning aspect of the overall traumatic experience - but more so learning by myself. The opportunity to 'truly grow up' and clean out internal sludge & garbage without reservation or hesitation - but most importantly without observation as if being graded.
I was afraid to lose H. Afraid to lose my M. ( possibly just a little afraid to also lose that which was opposite of me & what to some extent I wish I could be - "brave" (which was appealing. I don't know as yet). How times have changed!
As the months went by, I went from nights of sadness, lonliness, doubt and uncertainity to enjoying the PEACE of mind. I began breathing out - was free & whatever happened wouldn't be a crisis. Funny enough, the work sitch grew WORSE this year. Money still IS a real problem BUT I really don't worry about it as much as I did! It's weird. I'm financially worse off than last year but my mindset is better in spite of this reality. I just deal with 'whatever' every month. It's hard, & yet I handle it somehow.
I did get sick, but I was healthier than I realized & I fought off 'stuff' with my own defenses. No high blood pressure, no blood sugar, cholesterol all good (this I did not expect from how I felt at times).. all good medical feed back. The exercise and meditation is working. The over work & fatigue was responsible (which is to be expected), so I have to be mindful to pace myself (as advised by my doctor ). I listen to 'sleep music' with simple rhythmic patterns and focus on them to try to get my mind to settle (you can find them re: yoga meditations, alpha, delta brain wave music that sort of thing).
What I really believe is that getting some space helped me. Toxic situations are what they are and I couldn't really move forward with him in the picture after a while. He still impacted on me, even when I thougth I was handling it.
There was the 'background noise' of constant self management, not crying, looking/acting confident, planning/'GAL-ing' - which was too much when I just wanted 'to be.' Physically separating
from the offender made me feel empowed, less controlled and FREE to fail, to make a fool of myself without having to hear some snide remark echoing in the background - just loud enough for me to hear. Free to be a #$$^%^ idiot and KNOW that the sun would still rise, to make mistakes and not tbe blamed, insulted, belittled. Interestingly enough, I was more of an idiot with him around.
I came to a point where I did not give a rat's bum about H - most times! This feeling or way of being surprised me. We chat but I can relate so much to the thread re: inpain, piecing,
I have A HARD TIME trusting. It's that simple.
After he left, we still saw each occasionally re C. We were 'friends' although it was all artificial & sometimes strained. I knew he wasn't real with me, just curious as to how I was managing. So I too was artificial - making sure that he didn't see me in a depressed or sad state during hardship.
After many civil visits, I wondered if he was coming out of the tunnel and I was curious re his metamorphosis. One day, he wanted to talk!! It was the first time that he initiated something on this level as opposed to shallow observations (weather etc) for small talk. He shared a few things re: future, mentioned "us" which i hadn't heard since this began. I simply listened.A Blast from the Past:
Some months passed by & I made a 'mistake' one day
- I was assertive (have not been this way ever). A friend told me to keep strong & I remembered her words. I stood up for my thoughts & feelings (after all he said he wanted to talk). He didn't like it and shut me off, refusing to hear what I said, walking away as I spoke.
It wasn't ovely important, it just signified to me that, that part of him hadn't changed. He always dismissed what he didn't want to hear, & typically with insults ('my way or the highway'). It was always simpler to leave him with 'whatever.'
I wondered why he implied that he was interested (!) in getting back (??). I felt after the above that he probably wanted the convenience of a 'safe wife,' but doesn't want the changes to make the wife happy ('my way or the highway'), which in succession would make him happy. It didn't matter to me either way, I was off discovering myself - which was long overdue! I continued with what I could. Some days were frustrating but that had nothing to do with him, just me trying to forge a future.
Some time after that, H communicated renewed interest in the R again (!!). He was civil. Careful not to offend (that's new) There was a part of him that had begun to change a little (as mentioned above). The conversations continued to take on a different feel - less detached, more interest in me and C (!) More interest in being a FAMILY again! The problem was that he seemed to want to pick up just where he left off! As though NOTHING happened! This I found 'astonishing' ..
He was kind & I felt in some twisted way that he was really trying - & really wanted a future with us. I wondered why. One day during another visit, another conversation was initiated by him, this time it went further. I told him that I could not return to the R without T. I didn't plan to say this, it just came out. I tend to say what I feel more often ... (I have also been remembering more dreams ????)
Anyway, that convesation escalated. It was the talk of T. T always makes him upset. In any event, I 'held my ground' - said what I had to say! The calm left him although he remained more 'composed.' I noted that the outburst seemed more improved. With him, I very rarely trust.
Much of the familiar crap returned. Blame. All that I had done wrong. Even the altercations with other people & relatives (!) resulted because of his frustration with me (& not the fact that he has anger issues) blah blah vlah .. I agreed with him but continued that since I made him sooooooooo unhappy, that we 1 - stay separate OR 2 - give it one final go WITH Therapy. Heartfelt
I held my ground - but I felt the repercussions!
I never felt my heart the way it did that evening (& I thought I was fine - this came out of nowhere !?). It wasn't the usual heart palpitations. It didn't seem like a heart attack from what I read/heard of. It was something else. I assumed it was stress & VERY BIG FEAR manifested. It was the first time I went AGAINST my grain. My mind & body wasn't used to this - so it reacted to the alien behaviour.
I stayed with it, stayed within the horrific moment, pulling (!) on air very subtlely, pulling on air, telling myself "breathe". My back was turned to H by then as I continued to try to slow my entire system down. It lasted about 5 minutes but felt like 5 hours! I even managed a smile to myself (still with my turned back ) in the midst of it! I smiled at my audacity to not submit to any intimidation.I coudln't believe that this was me - it was so different for me. I had dealt with a miniscule psychological hurdle of some sort and that's probably why there was that weird level of discomfort. I noted the level of indifference that I had re: the M & I think that H was genuinely surprised by my attitiude (what card can one play then?)
H must have thought about much of his reaction because when he visited C the next time, he was open about certain 'concerns,' even admissions! iI thought of this as damage control. On the visits following that, he tried to be affectionate - and consequently sometime after that gave me a hug & clearly wanted intimacy. He was put off that I was "not trying" (??) I did not comment. I am amazed
about the expectation that we simply pick up where we left off without meaningful communication or help.
Sad thing is I really have no emotional resources left to even pretend. I really need this rest period. I do.
IF I ever return to the M, it cannot be wihtout T/therapy for us both. If I could afford it now, I'd be there in a jiffy (whenever, I manage a little $$, I distract C's. reality /'life monotony' with something fun! And we always have a great time together. I love him so much & it is reciprocated (although we have our moments LOL) In any event, until T is possible, the space and opportunity to be by myself is therapy in itself! It just 'feels freer.'
I was just wrapping up
I left this post to return to check typos as my eyesight isn't what Ii used to be. Two things happened.
> H called to say he will be away and will see us in a few weeks. It is possible he will drop in to see C before. In spite of the many 'disagreements,' he isn't too put off. lol
> I also heard that some things didn't work for him, so its no wonder I am soooooo appealing ... again. He knows the kind of person I am - anything but shallow & fickle (unlike 'out there'). Too Incredible
He's clearly not 'done,' but I am! I cannot return to what I left. Only with time & T
can there be a 'chance'. In the meantime
I continue with expressive arts & am improving. I get a lot of material re this experience!!
My dreams are more vivid, &
like the song says( James Bay - Let It Go) says, "you be you & Ill be me"
(I'll do "we" with T/ MC thank ya very much).
ps: hope you are getting out of pain, in pain
. will check on you all another time. hope that i didn't leave ya with too many typos!