New thread time.
Thank you all for your support, especially with my new twist. 2 years since H has joined S and I on a vacation, pretty big for me.
It's sinking in, I barely slept last night. It's a mix of anxiety and excitement going through me. During the wee hours of the night, I was feeling mainly anxiety. I worry we will clash, especially on the parenting of S. We have such different styles.....but then I feel excitement, I can see us enjoying the reggae, sipping cocktails by the pool and having fun. I really don't know what to expect! I am going into this prepared, knowing H will have that extra piece of luggage filled with MLC goodies, so I am thinking, if I sense something off, S and I can take an exit break. I think it will be fine.
NC with H since he finished booking yesterday. Tonight I dropped off S at his place. He looks so tired! Anyway, I brought up nothing about the trip, just did the normal hi and bye. As I was walking to my truck, he shouted out that he can't wait to be on the ship with a margarita in his hand! I walked back and we talked a little about the trip, both of us excited and looking forward to it. I asked if I can ask his dad to watch dog, she loves him, he said sure, good idea. (Dont want his family thinking this is anything more than a vaca, H doesn't need that pressure) But his dad normally watches dog when we would go away, she is comfortable with him. Just hoping this isn't made into more than it is with dad!
So, I am feeling calmer now. Time to do some yoga before bed and hoping for a good night sleep!
Glad the separate rooms thing is the the arrangement. Hopefully he can leave that extra MLC bag in his room for the vacation. If not, there are plenty of places to get away on those floating spectacles.
You can also make a game of spotting all the other adults on the cruise who are in MLC, as you now know the signs and I'm sure there will be a lot. When they aren't someone you are close to it can be amusing, especially in men, as our socialization or something seems to mean we make bigger fools of ourselves when we are in an MLC.
On a serious note, try to make some plans to have your H & S have some one-on-one time so that you can have some do something just-for-me time. Look at the options, and think I want to do this or that, or a little of this and that, then come to an agreement with H that you get to do some of that while he spends time w/ your S. Make lemonade out of the potential lemon his joining you presents.
Mleigh
Been watching and reading .... digesting...lol
When I first read H wanted to join, I can not say I was suprised, he seems to have had a trend on the 'events' and as a child does not want to be left out. You handle things so well, invite early and go about your buisness ... he peeks up out of the fog and has that 'wait a minute' moment ... decides to join, and as your style .. s shoulder shrug, join if you'd like, no difference to me as I am going to have a kick ass time regardless approach. I thought to myself .. yup .. she is handling this textbook, and if anything you will have an on board babysitter here and there, S and H can bond a bit and you can do some 'you' type stuff.
I am eager to see how the trip pans out, more from that 'science project' approach as far as H ... seeing how just that travel pressure might effect him. I know you will most likely fair far better than he, and I trust you are going to have a kick-ass time.
Not much to update this weekend. I am doing good at not making more of the cruise than it is. I have only told a few close people. They all have high hopes, but they don't really get how this MLC stuff works
My mom is the worst, she is an emotional mess as it is, so this really has her spinning. My goal is to keep my distance from her this week, she doesn't help.
As for myself, his coming has caused a wave of emotions to go through me. Excitement, fear, anger, hope......I won't lie. It threw me a little off kilter. I have even caught myself daydreaming of H confessing his undying love.....lol. So my focus has been turned back into rebalancing myself this weekend.
Saw Minions with S on Friday night. Had a smooth drop off with S to H on Saturday. Went that night for dinner and drinks with friends. Woke up Sunday morning craving a walk. Made some coffee to go and off I went! A nice long walk. Took care of some stuff at home. H brought S home an hour and 15 minutes late, but THIS time I expected it and just let it go. While here, H took me in the other room to tell me about their night....
H had S and 2 of his buddies over for a campout sleepover. Tent and all. As expected (in my mind), S decided he would rather sleep in house than tent. I did a great job of STFU and just listened to H tell me about it and how he handled it (which was well) I just listened and nodded.
So the vacation countdown is on. Feeling ready, but also feeling the need to not get too sucked into this, to stay focused and balanced, that is my goal this week.
M4
You will enjoy the cruise and you now have help with your son. You can enjoy time with your son alone and with your H and you can have some time alone also.
Keep your expectations very low in regards to H. If you spend time with H you can enjoy it as long as you know things might be different once back at home.
Happy's posting is spot on. Your son and his father can go off and do things together while you are enjoying a relaxing swim or doing something that you want to do on your own. There will be plenty of activities that you can share w/your son and w/your h. Keep your expectations very low when it comes to your h.
Go and have a great time! Relax, enjoy and leave your day-to-day life behind for a while. It will be there when you return home.
As for myself, his coming has caused a wave of emotions to go through me. Excitement, fear, anger, hope......I won't lie. It threw me a little off kilter. I have even caught myself daydreaming of H confessing his undying love.....lol. So my focus has been turned back into rebalancing myself this weekend.
M
We often during this rollercoaster have joked about how different sitch, similar timeline and sometimes similar feelings.
I think during this its easy to detach and get those feelings up there in boxes, place those boxes on shelves and let them be. At least that's what it felt like to me, then the MLCr comes stomping their muddy feet on the floor and we look for towels to lay down, not realizing we have to go back through those old boxes of suppressed feelings to clean things up.
I was surprised at how fresh and intense those feelings were, shocked I even had them to be honest as I was certain I dealt with them and had things under control. Obviously .. they were there, waiting to be dealt with properly.
I think you are wise to not allow 'Momma' to get you spinning along with her ... you are always so grounded it is starting to bug me .. lash out or something so I can feel normal.
2BE and Job, thank you. I am on the same page as you. I have ridden the ride of emotion and am back on solid ground. I don't expect this trip to change much in our R, other than hopes of building on our friendship.
My fear is a bit selfish and honestly, a big HUGE R problem. I have mentioned our parenting styles being different and it really comes out on trips. When H has one of his tantrums because.... S and I would rather wade in the ocean instead of parasail....or we want to take a break in the room from the sun and pool (we burn easy)....or I can see S needs a break from the running around and crowds....I tend to blow H's frustration off, but it leaves S and I feeling guilty and bad. H is fun too, I don't mean to make it sound like he is a horrible person.....He can just be really self centered, especially when it comes to S.
The first vacation S and I took alone, almost 2 years ago, we had such a calm and relaxing time. The difference in the atmosphere was amazing. Each vacation since then....ya....I miss some things about H being there....but overall? Much smoother with just the 2 of us, no doubt. Simply, I am just way more patient and easygoing with S.
I know that is not good for my R with H. I plan on working on a compromise if anything comes up. But I am worried that H will start in with me about S. "Coddling, spoiled, it's always my fault if S acts up". Meanwhile all I hear from teachers and parents are praise on how well behaved S is. We are doing something right! Thing is, H doesn't realize that we have the same view on things, we just handle it differently. I tend to be gentler and calmer, H sees that as giving in. It's time H stop blaming, and instead take a look at himself to possibly handle things differently, the difference in the outcome is huge.
So, that is my ventfest on that! It was such a huge issue in our R and H has told me it's a big reason he left. Sad but true. The way I choose to see it, H and I both have our strengths and weaknesses in parenting. The goal should be to balance each other out, support and show unity with S. We could be a really good team! M or no M, we are parents for life.
Cali, I bust out laughing! I am glad I come off as grounded, but I have my moments! Trust me! I know you of all people know how I feel with all these emotions coming out when they throw us that unexpected curve! I felt the emotions and have kind of pushed them back down. Instead of boxes on a shelf, I see them more as pushed into pillow cases and stuffed under the bed, real lumpy pillow cases! Lol
I am not sure what else to do with them? I don't see them serving any purpose while in limbo land. Also, I am still working on me and unsure of my choices with H, so I don't feel ready to face them until I know which road I will be taking. Stuffed away is much more easier and convenient right now. It feels like the right place for me right now.
Do you think this is holding me back?
After I posted, I went outside to water my flowers and veggies and a lightbulb went off.
I posted that H needs to stop blaming, to instead look at himself and how he can handle things differently with S for a different outcome. This is EXACTLY what I need to do with H when S issues come up. It's what we are taught here, it's what I have already been doing with H and even others in my life.
So instead of going on this trip with these fears weighing on me, I will apply this new skill in hopes of better results
(Sorry Cali, I'm acting all "grounded" again. Lol!
Do you know the difference between introverts and extroverts? Introverts find it draining to be with other people and need to recharge their batteries with time alone. Extroverts find it draining to be alone and need to recharge their batteries by being with people.
Sounds like H is an extrovert and you and son are introverts.
Cali, I bust out laughing! I am glad I come off as grounded, but I have my moments! Trust me! I know you of all people know how I feel with all these emotions coming out when they throw us that unexpected curve! I felt the emotions and have kind of pushed them back down. Instead of boxes on a shelf, I see them more as pushed into pillow cases and stuffed under the bed, real lumpy pillow cases! Lol
I am not sure what else to do with them? I don't see them serving any purpose while in limbo land. Also, I am still working on me and unsure of my choices with H, so I don't feel ready to face them until I know which road I will be taking. Stuffed away is much more easier and convenient right now. It feels like the right place for me right now.
Do you think this is holding me back?
Well the pillow case analogy works for you ... cuz you are a girl.... us men need rugged boxes ... its bad enough to admit we have feelings let alone shove them in pretty pillow cases
I do not think its holding you back, nor did it me. Truth be told those feelings are just that .. feelings ... not right nor wrong and I honestly can not see how they can be dealt with until ...like you said... limbo has left the building one way or another. Looking at my boxes, I felt that once the D was processed I would take a year or so and slowly unpack them, deal with the hurt/rage/sadness as I went and then heal fully .... to be honest, that would be faster.
As it is now, I find I can not totally unpack, W is not ready for me to move all that stuff in as she is slowly doing the mirror work herself, she is dealing with her stuff and no way is there room for any of mine. That rage box .. its not like I can just open it up and vent all the hurt and pain towards her without her jumping back on the Tunnel Train. So I am quietly taking my stuff out slowly, quietly and all as covert as I can without W or S catching on if that makes any sense.
Cali, It makes perfect sense and mirrors how I feel.
KML, yes, S and I need our down time to recharge for sure.
All quiet here, not much to update. Cruise with H in 4 days. We have been NC other than S like usual.
I'm just thinking.....5 days of constant contact with H after 5 months of separation and 2 years of emotional separation....
I have been feeling very.....calm. I have been praying for guidance. Guidance to take each day and moment for what it is, to take each step based on what is best for me, Also, I pray for the strength to just be myself, happily and proudly. I hope to not see the old me when with H, but the new confidant, happy, silly, carefree, laid back, grateful for life me.
M4
Just keep the focus on your upcoming cruise. Think of all the FUN you will have, and the endless food that you did not have to cook or clean up afterwards. Think about the sun and the beaches.
And you might see some eye candy to check out:)
You are strong, you will have a great time. Show your H exactly what he is missing out on. Plan out your days on the cruise like H was not there, you can invite him or not, you can let him know your plans and if he wants to join great, if not keep it moving.
Maybe let him know once on the ship that if there are certain things he would like to do with just him and son, to let you know and then you make plans for yourself, kinda like you do now at home, it will just be on a ship.
HAVE FUN
Thank you for your support 2B, don't worry, I am all about fun these days
So ever since Bday, I hear and see so much that relates to our world's. Especially song lyrics. I am an 80's girl, gotta love the movie Rock Star. I mean, Markie Mark and all! Lol. Anyway, was just watching and love the last song. Just wanted to share
Colorful by Steel Dragon:
The show is over - close the storybook
Will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well, they're reaching for the door
I watch the backs as they leave single-file
You stood stubborn, cheering all the while
I know I can be colorful
I know I can be grey
I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way
Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when your awake
Than most in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy
I know I can be colorful
I know I can be grey
And I know this loser's living fortunate
And I know you will love me either way
Look ahead as far as you can see
We live in drama but we die in a comedy
I know I can be colorful (when you live in black and white)
I know I can be grey (my colors fade away)
I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way
Hi all. I have been completely out of the loop, I hope you have all been well. My vacation is winding down, Time to catch up on posts.
So, the cruise went well! I went in with the loopy MLC expectations, and he didn't let me down! I practiced my STFU and patience to a tee!
Started with H oversleeping, we ended up leaving an hour later than I was hoping to and got to the ship a couple of hours later than I had hoped....but you know....the old me would have been pretty annoyed. These days, seemed very minor to me. On the 5 1/2 hour drive, I drove and H kept himself busy playing with apps, finishing up work emails, looking up songs we like to listen to....playing, playing, playing on his phone. It used to annoy me, not so much now...I suppose because I expected it. At one point, I was driving through L.A. in lots of traffic and was trying to listen to my GPS while H and S were playing an app of drums to the music...now THAT was annoying but instead of getting upset, I was able to laugh and ask for some quiet and help please!!
Overall, we got along great, not one single disagreement, almost hard to believe. Having our own rooms was great. Every day we took breaks in our separate rooms, lots of sleeping and naps! H slept a lot, he said he felt very relaxed and decompressed. So we would start each day together with breakfast, visit the ports together, do our afternoon breaks in our rooms, then meet back up for dinner. S stayed with me, but H and S definitely did some great bonding. I also was able to treat myself to a massage. H hung out in our room a few times too.
It's funny, the first picture of us, getting on the ship, H and I stood a foot apart with S in between us. Our last pic, we are shoulder to shoulder, arms around each other and big smiles. We took several family pics which H made sure we bought. Along with a ton of pics we took ourselves. H was attentive, always asking me if I wanted drinks and food. It was almost like old times. He is still very scattered, messed up on drink orders or forgetting things, but again, I expected this so it was easy to brush it off. I focused more on the effort and could see he was trying, but he is just still very scattered.
The trip went much better than I thought it would. My hope was to do some rebuilding of our friendship and without a doubt, we did. No personal or R talks, we just had fun. I left all my baggage behind and enjoyed the moment. It seemed H did too. H told me he was really glad he decided to go, and I told him I was glad too.
We came back Friday, back to life like normal. The following day S went with H and I had 3 of my girlfriends over for a planned girl night. H came to pick up S, right when the girls showed up. They all hugged H, told him how much they miss him. He stayed around for about 15 minutes and caught up with the girls. Then he left and we all went wine tasting, to dinner and back to my place. We had a great night.
Back to the real world. I wonder, back alone in his place, is he relieved or missing our kooky little family together? I can't read his mind, but I am pretty sure he enjoyed the time together. A few times, I caught myself watching him or looking at him, and I will honestly tell you, I still love that man....He still has my heart. But I am fully aware that I am still knee deep in this and I know it can go either way, and I still feel at peace with that.
I am so glad that everything went well, even if you were behind a bit getting to the ship. Everything fell into place and you kept your expectations pretty low and left the MLC baggage at home. I'm hoping that he will miss all of the interaction and begin to truly build a friendship w/you and hopefully begin to see the light just a wee bit.
I'm sure your fur babies were glad to see you and your son come home!
Thanks Job. I think S and I missed our fur babies more than they missed us! Although my kitten talked our ears off and wouldn't let us out of her site for a day. I get so home sick being away from them, it's not easy. S ran in the house to see kitten.
Just some journaling as last week with H continues to sink in. It's funny, when people ask about spending that time with H, I am so much more focused on how I am feeling about it, not how he is feeling. I do wonder what that time meant to him, but I know mind reading is a waste of time, so here are my thoughts.
I continue to feel very detached. I am glad to be back home ALONE. What I mean is, back to my happy and safe place, my space. Definitely not ready for an R yet, with anyone, including H.
One thing that really stands out to me is how well I used all the tools I have learned here. It was a HUGE test for me to see that I really have changed, I look forward to more improvements in myself.
It also amazes me that I can feel such warmth and friendliness towards someone who hurt me more than anyone ever has, who put me through some serious h*'ll. I would never have believed that we could spend a trip like that as friends, that I could get past that. It's not all gone, I had many flashbacks, but I didn't let them shake me. Those times will forever be a part of our R, whether M or not....best to work through those for the sake of our son.
Most of all, Our trip reminded me that I am very happy, right where I am. I still don't know what I want, H or not. I truly honestly don't know anymore! It makes me shake my head, I was so sure for so long! So it assures me that I am doing exactly what I should be....not worrying about figuring out what I want, but just enjoying life, letting it happen and just going with whatever is planned out for me. Having the strength to let it play out is a true blessing.
For those of you struggling, be patient with yourselves. It takes a lot of time and work to find that place, we all have it within. I remember when I first started this process, I had read that the answers are inside, you just have to stop the noise and listen. This was the hardest part of this journey for me, to stop the noise from family, friends and well meaning therapists. I still don't have my answer to my R, but I am confident I am doing what I should be right now.
Dropped off S to H tonight. The air conditioner wasn't working at his place, so he was working on that. His place continues to be a nightmare, at least in my opinion! This month marks 6 months he has been there.
Oh, and my girlfriend I saw this weekend explained that my friend who I let stay over told a table full of friends, including her, that him and I "hook up" So that explains what H must have heard. I let friend know what I heard, he denies....staying clear of him.
M4
So glad to hear you all had a great vacation together.
I love the fact that you mention rebuilding your friendship with your H, that is great! Rather you rebuild your M or not, because you have a child together and have a history it is best to be friends, and who knows what that friendship could lead to.
Yes you love your H, otherwise you would not be "standing".
I always remind myself that I love my H, but I love myself more and I deserve that type of R/M that I'm willing to give back to him or someone else.
Its great to be able to really let the hurt and pain go...it only holds us back.
Hi 2B. Thought of you on my cruise, I know you like cruising too. I really feel like you guys are my friends here, if only we were all closer to be able to meet up!
So true about loving our H, but needing more to be happy in R and M. I suppose we should keep in mind they are in crisis and not really at their best right now. So of course, there is not a real desire to be with them as they are today.
I envy the people here who have their spouses coming out of the fog and expressing their confusion and regrets. Some are even getting apologies. Maybe hearing that would make us feel better? Not sure but I think we both have come a long way.
I need to catch up on your posts, but I have noticed efforts by your H. Hang in there, he may just come out better than you had hoped. At least I hope so
M
So good to hear where you are, and the fact you did not allow the time together to pull you off course .. you are seriously so strong and put together it irks me sometimes :P
Your H is seriously a different duck in all this, but you are handling things by the book .... its impossible to really post or give you much advice because of that.
The 'friend' spouting off about you and he hooking up .. .ugh .. what a tool. Guys ... I say we should just kill em all ... oh ... wait ... nevermind.
Sounding good as always M ... and yeah .. we need a DB meet-up somewhere sometime ... I have booze and an onrey monkey I want to let loose on a few vets
Thank you Cali, you have been a huge help on my path in so many ways
It's a huge compliment to hear I am strong and put together. (Sorry to annoy you! :P ) I have grown up thinking I am a mess of a person, mainly due to my parents and upbringing. My mother, now THAT is a mess and in a way, she has helped me to avoid being who she is.
My husband has humbled me in a huge way, that is a gift in all of this. I was forced to take a good look at myself and realized I wasn't really impressed with what I was seeing. Thing is, you don't have to be like the parents you came from, we have the power to be different.
I get so much of my strength from you all here. Thank you!
((((Hugs))))
Question.....my birthday is tomorrow. Yay for me! Love birthdays! Anyway, I of course have no expectations from H. I have my son, we declared a lazy weekend, I bought myself some beautiful flowers and ribs to bbq for myself
So I got surprised today by H. He texted asking if I had birthday plans. I told him my only plan is to read and nap. (Ya, I'm getting old!) So he replied if I want,he would take us to dinner at my fav restaurant or make dinner. He added if not, ok, but to let him know if that sounds good. I answered that it sounds great, prefer dinner in.
I know, I should be jumping up and down, right? Thing is, last year he offered to take us to fav restaurant which I happily accepted. First, he called me that day to tell me about how horrible his day was and how tired he was, then asked what time he should make reservations. When he got home, he asked to take a nap before going. Then all through dinner, he complained about how tired he was. He went straight to bed when we got home. It was awful. I actually felt guilty for having a birthday......
H tends to do things because he "should" I am worried this is the same. I honestly am good getting absolutely nothing from him, wasn't expecting anything. Should I worry this is a fake attempt to do "the right thing" or should I just go with it?
When he texts me tomorrow, I was thinking of letting him know not to feel obligated to do anything, but don't want to make him feel unwelcome either.
Any advice?
I should add, his dad sent me flowers today. Very sweet! I heard from H about an hour after. I wouldn't be surprised if dad reminded H and he reacted out of guilt! IDK, maybe just scarred from last year.
It's been 1/2 hour, where are you guys?? Lol
So H just TM: what do you feel like having?
Me: I truly appreciate your offer, I really do. Please don't feel obligated to do something just because it is my birthday. Really, I don't expect anything, was just planning on enjoying the weekend with my little guy
H: I'm not obligated to do it...I will BBQ if you want...or if you would rather just chill with the koo koo monkey that's ok too...up to you.
I am going to sit on that. I am torn, not really sure if I even want him around on my bday. Hmmmm, not sure what I am feeling.....
You've spent a lot of time together with the cruise. If you need a time out, take it.
Maybe it would be a good thing to step back, get some perspective... Or, wait til after the b'day. It's nice of him, regardless of his motives... Which he may not understand himself.
If you think he feels obligated, it is his problem. You told him that you don’t expect anything. It looks like he truly wants to do it for you. I would accept and enjoy. I would give a couple of options on what you might want for dinner. Just my .02 cents.
Agree with Heather too...
Happy Birthday!
I would do whatever you wanted. If you feel up to being around him, then go w/the flow. If you would prefer to just stay at home and chill out, then do so. It's your call. However, it does sound like he's trying to make an effort to do things w/you. Many of these nuts don't want to do anything for their spouse on any special day.
Enjoy your special day no matter what you decide to do.
Just my two cents!
Hope you have a lovely day celebrating your Birthday!
Another year older, 10 years wiser.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you!! 46 today and feel great! Was woken by son, dog and kitten in bed, stepped on by all. Went on a mini morning walk and now ready to relax
I never replied back to H last night, decided to let it sit. When and if he TM a Happy birthday, if he brings up coming over to bbq, I will go with it. Seeing how we enjoyed the cruise, I am sure he would be fine. Having dinner made for me sounds pretty darn good and I do appreciate his offer.
I will try not to think of it as him just worrying about what others would think if he didn't do anything. I suppose at this point he has been pretty honest about himself.
Either way, I will enjoy my day!! Thank you for your birthday wishes and yes, I definitely feel 10 years wiser!
Had a good birthday! Got a quick nap in too! As always, interesting interaction with H today with a dash of mixed messages.....
Got a Happy Birthday wish in the morning, I said thanks and joked about it being my big 29.
I did not bring up dinner. As you know, I was worried about him only offering as an obligation. I needed to know it was really something he wanted to do, and figured if it was, HE would bring it up.
About 3, I heard him from again:
H: you decide if you feel like chilling or want some bbq? Either way, is it ok if I drop by for a bit around 5? (This is exactly what I needed to know he was for real)
Me: we are chilling alright! Lol. I have ribs to make, but I had only gotten a small rack,...you are welcome to bbq with us but may need a steak or something. We will be here!
H: K
About an hour and a half later.....
H: I feel like I am interrupting your birthday chill time....what time are you eating? Maybe if I just stop by after for coffee and the dessert I am making right now? Or instead of a steak, I was going to pick up something to eat for myself, but if you would rather have burgers I can pick some up and bring over....
Me: hmmmm watcha making? You are not interrupting anything, it's totally up to you. The ribs will be on the grill in about 45 minutes. I have salad and bread too, there is enough for you if you want.
H: ok. Maybe I will eat then be there around 5:45.
Me: (thinking, I give up) OK, sounds good.
H: (reading my mind?) Lol...sorry....just don't want you to feel like you have to see me if you don't want to...but if your ok with it I'll head over in 15....
Me: (thinking we are both ridiculous) I enjoy seeing you! I just don't want to put you out! Lol. Please do whatever you feel like or are up for, that's what I want
So he showed up with a great bottle of wine, (sipping on now) and red roses. RED ROSES! He has not gotten me roses in years, he gets me the spring mix. I am really taken back by that. We had a good dinner, chatted, laughed, had fun playing with son and dog. In conversation, he said about 2 things he misses at home. He also complained about a couple of things at his place, including a mouse he had to catch. He helped me fix a couple things that needed tweaking here around the house.
I sense a vulnerability about him lately, something new. He is a very stubborn and proud man, so this is new all around for him. I sensed it on the cruise too....
Thank you again for all your birthday wishes. In spite of my sitch with H, it's been a good birthday this year. Better than years past. I think part of that comes from just feeling grounded with no expectations.....feels good
Roses!!???!!......
Sounds like your birthday was great. A mixture of acknowledgement but yet some space. Glad it was a peaceful day.
btw - love the roses! What a thoughtful gesture.
I am very happy that your special day turned out to be a nice one. I'm very happy to read that he brought you roses! What a nice way to end the day.
Glad to hear you had a Happy Birthday! I hope this is a hint at things to come.
Still floating over here on my happy cloud
H really did go above and beyond what I would have thought he was capable of, I will admit, he made my day.
One thing I notice about myself is that I am finally seeing the reflection of my changes through his eyes. For a long time, I was seeing those changes only with friends, and still feeling like my old self around H, to a point where I would feel uncomfortable around him because I couldn't stand that "old vibe"
But I noticed, especially on the cruise, my happiness is coming through....my place of peace and calm is staying consistent around H. I don't feel those doubts in myself, I am feeling a new found confidence and stability, not so much of the insecurities anymore. It makes a huge difference when spending time with him. Still some work to do, but I continue to feel stronger and stronger.
M
So happy to read you had a good birthday!! Enjoy that wine and the roses.... You deserve it!!
One thing I notice about myself is that I am finally seeing the reflection of my changes through his eyes. For a long time, I was seeing those changes only with friends, and still feeling like my old self around H, to a point where I would feel uncomfortable around him because I couldn't stand that "old vibe".
Hey, mleigh, this is what I feel now. I don’t have much interaction with H, so I have no idea how I would feel around him. I think I’m afraid that I would be my old self around him. I guess this is part of my hesitation to start doing something different to change my sitch, like start communicating with H more. You just gave me some hope that I can be my new self and not revert back to the old stuff...
I’m so happy for you, that you had a great trip and enjoyed your b-day. And the red roses! This means something…
Hi Mleigh4-Happy belated birthday!
Thanks for your post on my thread. Very interesting to hear from another who went into this whole thing before spouse. There are not too many of us it seems.
We are always told to take from this forum information/advice pertinent to our situation. I found I was walking a tight rope in that I needed to give H time and space but also show him that I was ready to make him and M a priority. Given my withdrawal there was a lot of hurt and mistrust on his part given the circumstances.
I sometimes blamed myself too, so I understand how you feel. But, just as we've woken up and realized everything we experienced was not H's fault, we have to remind ourselves we didn't cause it for them either.
Thank you Cali, I DID enjoy the wine, but I get spoiled with the good stuff!
Hi Bright. It has taken me a long time to feel like the new me with H. I was worried for a while that it was not possible for me to be any different around him. Gradually, it started changing. I think part of that was greater detachment on my part.
Hawho, thank you for the reminder that I did not break H, so I can not fix him. His issues were not brought on by me. Even my family and friends are starting to voice that what H is going through must have nothing to do with me, because it just doesn't make sense. My question is, when or if H will ever see that?
Not much to update....back to the normal quiet here. No interaction with H since my Bday on Saturday.
In the last week, I have had a co-worker and my cousin tell me I look really good and happy, but that they were worried that I am getting a little too comfortable with my new lifestyle.
So I gave it some thought and realized for the first time in 25 years I am on my own with no boyfriend or husband in my life, and ya, I am enjoying the break. I don't want this forever, for sure, but I feel the need for that space right now. I would love to have my family all together, but I don't have that option right now, it is what it is, so why fight it?
I LOVE having the house to myself and just the overall freedom I feel right now. I also still sense something bigger and better is around the corner for me. Life is good right now, no complaints.
I like that it is reflecting off of me so that people are noticing it.....and I sense H is noticing it too. I figure it must take the pressure off him to make some kind of choice or decision. He can see S and I are doing well, and it gives him the chance to focus on himself and figure things out....
Sounds like something Job has posted to me before.....am I on to something there with that thought process Job?
mleigh,
Your positive outlook and energy are shining thru and people are noticing the changes and so is your h! I do believe we had a discussion about the positive energy quite a while ago, but it takes time for people experiencing the effects of the MLC tornado to understand just how much the role of positive energy plays in our lives.
Yes, you are on to something w/that thought process. Keep up the good work!
Happy Saturday. No plans this weekend without S, in fact, feeling quite bored!
We had an exciting lightning storm Thursday night, not something we see much in Cali. I did not have S home, but we watched it together on the phone for a few minutes while H was in the background trying to use some app on his phone to take pictures. Once again, he was missing it all with his tech gadgets. Drives me crazy!
In fact, not feeling so good about H right now....I just have these days where I can't see us back together...doesn't seem possible...anyone have those?
H TM at about 11 to plan on getting S for his night. I mentioned I need dog food, which we get from Costco but only H has a card (he is on his dad's account..eyeroll) so he asked if we all want to go, I said sure. He said he would get ready and head over. 2 1/2 hours later, no H. So I TM asking if he was ok. He replied sorry, the owner of his house had come by to go over the main bath remodel and just left, said he would be over in 10 minutes. 1 hour later he arrived.
I sensed nothing but BS, but kept my cool and said nothing. WTF could take him so long? Anyway, we went off to Costco. While there, I was looking for an antivirus for my laptop, and he was telling me about getting some backup storage and we passed up some memory sticks which reminded me that he had taken all of ours when he moved out and was grabbing random things. So I asked him, do you have all our memory cards because they are all gone? He said no and mentioned that the new camera is missing too, asked if I ever found it? I said no but that I was pretty sure he had this stuff.
He got mad, said no. So I said maybe (his klepto friend that helped him move) has it. Ya, my anger popped out, I am pissed about H taking all the memory cards in the house. So H replied, I don't think my friend is the only man that has been in jail who has been in the house, do you? Is he the only felon who has been in the house? (Referring to my friend) H was angry while saying it, so I shut up....but I did lowly mumble (because of S) that I hear a rumor is going around, we can talk about it if he wants.....
Then we both were quite, then changed the subject.
I wonder sometimes, should I bring this up so we can clear the air? But then I think, F H, he left me to work through so many bad looking situations with lame excuses, he doesn't deserve for me to be so kind.
That's when I get here....how will I ever trust him? How can I ever feel close to him again? How can I ever feel like I can believe him or even count on him? Even if we worked through this M hurdle, will he bail again the next time things get tough? I am a strong woman, I need a strong man, and I am realizing that is not H...
Over the years I have learned what some simple things are that I need in an R, not want, but NEED. H does not fit that profile and hasn't for a long time. If it just isn't in H, not who he is, do I settle for that?
I get to this place where I just can't see it, a wave of dread of accepting that and what must happen next....
Sigh, not feeling so positive about H or ever having a M with him....but I do sense I will continue to work through this to figure out what I should do. I figure this must be part of the process for me to decide my own future?
Hi mleigh
That's when I get here....how will I ever trust him? How can I ever feel close to him again? How can I ever feel like I can believe him or even count on him? Even if we worked through this M hurdle, will he bail again the next time things get tough? I am a strong woman, I need a strong man, and I am realizing that is not H...
Over the years I have learned what some simple things are that I need in an R, not want, but NEED. H does not fit that profile and hasn't for a long time. If it just isn't in H, not who he is, do I settle for that?
I get to this place where I just can't see it, a wave of dread of accepting that and what must happen next....
Sigh, not feeling so positive about H or ever having a M with him....but I do sense I will continue to work through this to figure out what I should do. I figure this must be part of the process for me to decide my own future?
Wow ! Reading this passage was like your words were coming out of my head - seriously, you are not the only one feeling this way and asking the hard questions.
It's a quandary, but I feel that perhaps it comes down to: there is no certainties in life - we make the choices that feel right to us at the time, knowing full well there are no guarantees. Someone else could just as easily turn out to be the wrong person, we just have to hope that our judgement holds us well. I am sure not one of us here expected our h/w to board the crazy train; had you been pre warned would you have still married him?
I recently had a conversation with my h (who has popped his head out of the tunnel, panicked, but instead of running back in he is getting help of the shrink kind) he said " us getting together would be a complete new relationship; dating and getting to know each other again - the bonus is that we already know what each other looks like naked, we have done the kids bit and we have a head start in knowing the little things about each other" In a way he is right - he was not saying that the past year or so has not happened, it needs to be talked about at some point, nor is he brushing any previous m problems under the carpet - he is saying that we can't pick up from where we left off - that was a bad m, a dead m. IF your h decides that he wants you back in his life romantically then his attitude will change from what it is now - you are making a judgement on what is in front of you - the guy that is not only not on the same page, but currently not reading the same book as you.
You are a different person now, a stronger more independent women who knows what values they need and desire in a partner - this is what will see you through, be it with your h or someone new. mleigh, you will be fine, I just know it. You will know what is right for you at the time, be open to all possibilities, you deserve the best and nothing less.
Hi Lou. I have been following your sitch updates lately, congrats on your promotion! and congrats on your H waking up.
I get what you are saying and totally agree, I am basing my current doubts and fears on the current H. If he was to start coming out of the tunnel, I suppose he would be different, but I am not sure he could ever open up about his experience as your H has been doing....my H is very closed up and private, rarely shows emotions...
I wonder, will I ever be able to look at him and see someone other than the person he has been the last 2 years....not sure if I could forgive...no matter if we were ever to work on R or not. I have gotten far enough to where we can be friends and I genuinely care about him, but that is more for our son than anything. Having a child with him created an eternal bond for me, but not sure if that is all it is now.
Not sure if I can feel more than that....just going off of time spent with him recently, the cruise and my birthday, times when I should be feeling a closeness with him....it saddens me that there is just no connection and no desire for him anymore...
I need to figure out, is it because of who he is today? Is it because I did get a little caught up in his recent attention? Not going to lie, it threw me off a little. Or is it because I am starting to realize I am done?
Lots going on in my little noggin lately, and it's making me feel tired and a bit melancholy. Will work through this until I can find my balance again.
Hi mleigh
If he was to start coming out of the tunnel, I suppose he would be different, but I am not sure he could ever open up about his experience as your H has been doing....my H is very closed up and private, rarely shows emotions...
My h is a very insular closed person, he found/finds opening up about what he feels extremely hard. Somehow (maybe the desperate need because of his life crashing down around him) he has managed to blurt out things and as I did not run a mile he has added more as we go along. I admit that some of it has been hard to hear and has made me back off - so I totally get what your saying about seeing your h very differently ....
I'm sorry that you are having a downer this weekend. You are going to have some days where you question whether you can "ever" see yourself back in a relationship w/your h. It's part of the cycling we go thru.
About the camera and memory sticks, I may be wrong, but I would venture to say that he has them. He's not going to fess up about taking them. Did you notice how quick he was to point the possible finger at someone else? They are like threads to his old life and he needs them to think of his past. They all take things from the home and sometimes, they even take chipped cups that really aren't any good to us, but they hold memories of their past.
Purchase some new memory sticks and put them in a safe place. If you need a camera, go out and purchase another in the fall when they go on sale for the holidays and put it in a safe place. One day, those "lost" items will show up when you least expect them.
Continue to move forward and keep the focus on you, your son and those darling fur babies.
Thanks Lou, I will keep in mind that just because H has always been closed up, doesn't mean he will stay that way. I do hope this experience will help him to be more open in the future...it has always been an issue in our R, really hard to feel connected to someone when you have no idea what they are thinking or what they are feeling. I used to call him emotionless, but obviously he had a tornado of emotions inside of him. I do hope he learns to show them, to be more real instead of the fake facade he always puts on. (Just like his mother btw)
Job, I could bet money that H has this missing camera. He was grabbing stuff randomly during move out, he most likely doesn't even realize he has it. His place is a mess...scrambled eggs! And you are right, it's all replaceable. I use my phone as a camera anyway, and I have a nice back up, I will let it go.
Last night I decided time to get out of my funk! Someone down my street had a live reggae band playing, I sat on my deck, resisted quietly crashing the party, and sipped wine and enjoyed it!
Woke up this morning to start a new day and better mood! Made some coffee and went on a long walk. Felt wonderful. Ran to grocery store and did some bills. Did some sweeping out front and straightening up the house....keeping busy until my sweet S comes home.
Got some yummy dinners planned for the week, last week of summer before school! Looking at a busy week at work which I thrive on. Gilroy housing is booming! Looking forward to a good week....
As for H. This is what I think. Something is changing in H, not sure if it has to do with me or him starting to realize the grass is not greener, maybe he is just finally starting to do his own work....He used to talk about the owner of his rental in a friendly way, called him by name. He now mentions him as the landlord with an irritated tone. He complains about his truck always being dirty (ya, it's all dirt) When he comes by the house, he is looking around and tending to things. Yesterday he went outside and sprayed down the dogs potty area. (I had just done it an hour before?) He warned me to keep the doors locked and house alarm on when away, said he heard about some burglaries. He also mentioned that he could give me his dog food since he never has her, seems he is giving up that fight?
Anyway, I sense change in him....something..and it gets me squirrelly. I need to stop that and keep focused on my own state of mind. Wondering what H is thinking, what he will say or do next is senseless. I know better to just let this play out.
Sounds like reality is setting in and he's discovering that the landlord is going to be checking on the things he's doing at his new place. He's discovering he doesn't have as much free rein in the remodeling as he had hoped. As for the dirty vehicle, well, yeah! It's going to get dirty if you living out in the country w/dirt roads, etc.
Yes, he's missing home a bit, but he's still not ready to face those issues just yet. He's realizing that it's not all fun and games and he's seeing that you and your son are doing great, enjoying life and having fun while he's dealing w/dirt and grime all of the time.
He's baking up quite nicely. Still needs some time in the MLC oven.
Lol Job, you make me laugh. Yes, I think I am smelling the baking aromas. You called it to start at around 6 months from move out!
It's something new in my sitch, so my goal is to let him bake while I continue to go about my business. No use to keep checking the oven, it won't speed it up! Lol
Hi Mleigh- I have cycled through the same emotions. Post BD, when H was in he worst of the fog, I was living with a complete stranger. He was the exact opposite of the person I knew and married. There were so many times where I questioned what was I doing, how would this resolve, how could I rely on him, etc.
Like you I see glimpses of my H changing. Then I feel like I start to cycle too. Or maybe I change and he cycles to me?
Hey Hawho....you may be on to something there....
So, just a journaling update..
NC with H from Sunday to Thursday, normal. He TM asking if I had gotten his TM. I had gotten nothing, so I replied no, was it saying he won $50 million dollars? He replied yes, but he had already spent it all, every penny. He then asked if he could bring S home to me instead of having him over that night like normal because he had an early morning meeting. I told him of course (I love bonus time with S)
I did some school shopping, went on a long walk with dog, watched Impastor (love that show!), and did some yoga. By the time S and H got to my place, I was feeling great, really relaxed. H right away started complaining about S and his gaming (I am noticing a pattern of these complaints on the day his mother watches S. I think she complains to him) I listened, validated, but in my mind, I don't have a problem with it, HE does but does nothing about it but whine. So I assured him I will keep an eye on it, but it should get better with school starting because he will be busy with homework. Blah, blah, blah.
Then he started complaining about work. Negative energy all around him, nothing new. He was petting the dog and asking where cat was, so I went in the back to call her and I noticed the lights in my fairy houses came on. Ok, so I got these adorable solar powered fairy houses for my rock garden and the lights come on at night. I always wanted a doll house and never got one, ok? Lol. So I said, oh look! The fairies are home! H just looked and rolled his eyes with a look of disgust, and I got flooded with those feelings of inadequacy I used to get with him. Please know, I do not believe in fairies and don't think they live there, it's just all in fun to me. But that feeling he brings on with me, not good.
Well, I looked at him and the words that flooded my mind? I want a divorce. Yep, they were all over my mind, on the tip of my tongue. But I did not say them, S was sitting right there. But the feeling overwhelmed me and really took me back. I just had this feeling, of him invading my happy place with his ickiness....and just feeling so tired of it.
I wonder, the changes I am sensing so strongly lately, I wonder if these are changes in myself, not changes in H? Something tells me he is just fine with the current situation and could let it drag on for a long long time. IDK...
Today, a new buyer of a home came into work to pick up his closing papers. He is very friendly and I remembered him from when he had come in to drop off his initial deposit and we chatted like crazy. He had asked me about things to do in town, and good places to eat, so I had given him the lowdown. Anyway, we talked about his new home and he mentioned he had eaten at the restaurant I had told him about, based on my recommendation, and that he really liked it. Said he would probably see me around town. Handsome guy, super smiley and friendly. He got under my skin. I pulled his file, he makes good money, is divorced with 2 children, 8 and 10.
This is a first for me! I have been going on about how happy I am on my own! Not going to let anyone in! But something about him has gotten my attention.
So, who is changing here? Maybe it's not H, maybe it's me.
I believe in fairies. ;-)
Had a nice weekend with S. We got his haircut and he is all set for his first day of school tomorrow. On Friday, we went to his school to see the posted schedule of classes. S has class with his BFF so he is ecstatic. I TM H, as he had requested, and he responded with "thanks for the heads up" Weird text, figured maybe he was busy or something, whatever.
NC on Saturday, but got a TM from H on Sunday asking if S got his haircut and how it looked. I responded.
H has been way too much on my mind, it is irking me. I am missing my old H lately, and continue to dislike the current him today.
I had 2 dreams about him last night, both of them having him tell me it is over and me freaking out. Woke up feeling really grumpy!
Talked with a friend about the inadequacy feeling I get with H often, which keeps me from being myself with him. A longtime issue for me. I do understand, it sounds like something in ME that I need to work on, an insecurity I have with him. My friend suggested that next time, I let him know when something he does makes me feel that way, he said H probably has no idea how much that look he gets effects me. And instead of ever saying anything, I stay quiet, keep it bottled up and the resentment and anger builds....not good on my part.
H TM tonight that instead of dropping off S at his place, could I drop him off with him at Wal-Mart because he was finishing up some shopping. Again, weird. I started spinning, (like I said, H has been really getting into my head lately, I have been feeling anxious) I figured, he doesn't want me to see something at his house, our boat came to mind. That was his baby and has been stored for the past 2 summers. I thought, I bet he finally broke down and took it out, imagined bikini girls all over it, I was really spinning.
So I replied, you want me to drop off S at Wal-Mart?? I said, we have bags of school supplies he needs for tomorrow, clothes, just let us know when you will be home. Aside from that being the truth, and my spinning, it really did seem like a dumb request to me.
So we met at his place....no boat. H had gotten me my favorite coffee, which he asked if I wanted because it is cheap there, and he gave me a work thermos. Lol, felt pretty dumb inside.
Not sure why my focus has gotten off track, having lots of flashbacks of unpleasant things he has pulled these past 2 years. Maybe it's having reached the 2 year Mark, but I have been feeling a pressure inside to make a move, make a decision, to initiate a R talk to see if I am completely wasting my time. Have I lost it? Way off track for me!
So I am going to lay low, keep my mouth shut and let this ride. I have enough common sense now to not react outwardly, although I still do inside sometimes! I'm in a weird place right now. I know what is right, but feel wrong inside.
Feeling better today. Last night I took dog for a walk and went to bed early.
I took some time to think last night, if I DID initiate a R talk, what would I hope to hear? True therapy talk, right? The truth is, I would hope H would say....
I feel more positive about us working out problems in our marriage, but I still need some space and time right now. There is no one else, I just want some time to work through some things.
That would be the ideal answer, and it's basically close to what he said when he moved out 7 months ago. Honestly, as long as there is no one else in the picture, I am still healing and working on my own issues, , not ready for him to move back home anyway, so I am fine with this. I know nothing different than above, so I should just continue to let this ride. This self therapy session with myself was extremely helpful!
Today was S first day of school, H took him. I would have met up with them but I had an early training class. I TM H with a good morning message to S and he responded right away. I let him know how hard it was to miss today, so H sent several pics. H then let me know that S left his backpack, full of all his school supplies and lunch, next to the truck at his house. It made it next to the truck, not inside the truck.
My first reaction was pure anger at H, he is the parent and should have made sure they had everything. But thank goodness I was driving and could not respond. By the time I could, I had calmed down and just joked that I could not believe that they did not notice his giant green Ninja Turtle backpack was not in the truck. H let me know he was going to pick it up and take it right back. I thanked him for all the pics.
At pick up, S let me know how much fun he had today, how much he liked his teacher and that everything was fine with his backpack getting there late. It now has become a funny story instead of a fight, I am really glad I didn't freak out on H. Still learning some big lessons here and working on those personal changes.
Well, I guess I handled the backpack fiasco well, but H did not. Once he went back home for the backpack and took it to S school, he was also supposed to put the IPad in, H did not. When he realized it, he let me know and and said he would bring it home to S that night.
7:30 rolls around and H TM me that he just got home because of his late start to work, he was tired and starving and can he bring the IPad tomorrow. I said sure, but YOU let S know. So H called and talked to S, gave in and said he would eat then bring it by.
What followed next was an hour of angry spew TM messages. It was all my fault...I spoil S and encourage his IPad addiction...I do everything for S and he will grow up to be like the lazy young generation that works for him....his job is very important and he doesn't have time for this....S should have picked up his backpack 2 feet off the ground so it's his fault too....I should read about how spoiled kids are today...I coddle S....how dare I have a felon sleep in a house he still owns....
He was all over the place. I stayed calm and shot a few truth darts his way. One of them being that I didn't care about the IPad, just that he should follow through on what he says he will do, or tell him yourself that you can't.
I also let him know that his put downs of coddled children was coming from a man who has mommy and daddy cater to his every need and who can't deal with real life. I assured and promised him that S would be just fine and will work for everything he gets, just as we had done.
I also went over exactly what went down with friend who stayed over, which I was really relieved finally got addressed. I told H I was only trying to be a friend, he slept in spare room, me in mine, he was gone when I woke. I agreed it was not very smart. H replied the he still slept with you, RIGHT!!?? I replied, no one has touched or slept with me in 2 years including my husband.
After a few more spews from him, I ended by saying I was done with this conversation, that life is good, S and I are thriving, that we are happy and enjoying life and that I was not allowing anymore BS into our lives. I said my expectations were pretty high for S and I and to have a good night.
He seemed to finally calm down and eventually brought the stupid IPad home.
Sounds like drunk texting to me - did you notice anything on his breath when he stopped by to drop it off?
wow M
I would guess all that pressure finally snapped that frayed rubberband. I did enjoy the truth darts ... let those sink in a bit.
As far as the iPad ... yeah my W is all over that with S too. She wants him off the thing, seems to think he is also adicted to it, I find it hilarious that when I have him reading or doing something else .. legos, whatever ... she swoops up that iPad and is all over it. The phrase my Father told me ... "Set the example do not be the example" rings in my head.
I think you did well... stood firm and strong not taking any of H's chit. This stuff is fun huh??
Hi KML, I never got close enough to H to smell his breath. He is not much of a drinker but drugs have crossed my mind many times. One of his hang out buddies is pretty addicted and I know H was pretty into them himself when he was younger....but I don't know....his job means so much to him, I don't think he would jeopardize that. I think he just had a really bad day and took it out on me!
Hi Cali. It felt GREAT to say some of those things that have been swarming my mind for months. I did a horrible job of STFU and validate...however he was attacking my parenting and my sexual morals so I felt the need to stand up for myself as I have done one hell of a good job in both of those departments. If he was spewing about our marriage, I would listen.
H is so addicted to his phone and IPad, it's a complete joke for him to give S such a bad time. And does he really think S only gives HIM a bad time when he has to do something?? S gives me the same whiny crap, but I handle it, not blame it on H. S is being a kid. I like that phrase Cali, I will remember it.
When H first TM me last night, the phone was still next to S. S started reading the massage out loud. "Thanks for the support and back up....." so I said stop, sounds like a message to me. So I got phone and S asked, is daddy teasing me because I forgot the backpack? (I load up his backpack and my lunch box every day in the truck before we leave, he just isn't used to having to do that) I said no honey, it's fine, that was just an accident, you didn't do anything wrong. I said....daddy is just....and I stopped to think of what to say, and S says "crazy?" I just laughed and said no, just having a bad day.
I think you handled it fine. Sometimes you need to defend yourself and set the record straight. ;-) maybe he needed to see you are not the same woman you were a few years back and won't just sit and take his b.s.
You handled the situation very well. There are going to be times when you have to shoot those truth darts off and this is one of those times. He was angry w/himself because he didn't put the IPad in the backpack. He can't look himself in the mirror and come to the conclusion that he has to be at fault for some of the things in his life, i.e., it has to be someone else that is making his life miserable.
As for clearing the air about your house guest. He finally knows the truth and hopefully your addressing the issue will put that one issue to rest.
He now knows that you aren't going to be a pushover and will no longer accept BS from anyone. You've grown by leaps and bounds and he's going to have a lot to think about for a while about the conversation. He needed to be put on notice and you did it well. Don't think twice about it.
Hi Job and thank you. Word for word exactly what I was thinking and how I feel. With your experience and your neutral perception, it truly helps me so thank you. I needed to hear from you.
Thing is, I have my head held high, I have truly done my very best, with my home, my son and myself, while keeping my side of the street clean. It feels like a huge accomplishment and it keeps me strong and going.
I love my H very much and will always be here for him, but not as his doormat or punching bag.
This morning I took S to school and who did I see dropping off his kids? The homebuyer I mentioned a few posts ago that has gotten my attention. I saw him, but he did not see me.
Oh Manny Manny man. Our paths will cross again for sure and I am looking forward to seeing if he will even notice or not. What is happening with me? What is with this?
Took dog for a long walk and missing my peanut tonight, he is with dad. Decided to go on my Facebook. I never do, I am always scared that I will be tempted to look at H or run across some post...so I unfriended him. Felt good! Now I can keep in touch with friends and not worry about it, don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago.
Mleigh4, good job on handling the situation. I would give a lot for the opportunity to throw the truth darts, LOL. You sound so good these days. On the other side, your H is not a happy camper. What do ya know!
Hi Bright. Thanks for the support. Ya know, for the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I still have my moments, when H throws me off balance, but I manage to get grounded again. I have learned so much about myself through this experience and know exactly what to do when I need to rebalance.
I also see improvement happening in H, at a snails pace, but he still has so much to do. In the meantime I am moving forward, and starting to believe a part of me is moving on. No man has truly gotten my attention since this happened, until this homebuyer guy....I am not saying anything will happen with him, but I am hoping our paths will cross again.....it's exciting but also really sad. It honestly makes me sad to think H and I may be nearing our end. IDK, trying not to think too much about it, but it floats around my mind a lot.
I keep in mind these emotions are based on who H is today and he is not the man I fell in love with anymore. So seems natural that my feelings for him would fade.
Wow M ... look at you. Don't be wearin the short skirts and having that hair all teased out during Kiddie drop off
I think its natural what you are going through ... I was there. 'The Date' still makes me laugh a bit ... was at a time I just was done with W, moving on, and wanted to put a pinkie toe in the water ... OMG that sounded WAY dirtier than I intended
Anyways ... I think for me it was just that whole abandoned cast aside thing, OP or not ... just wanted to know if I 'had it' and that date confirmed I had plenty, was a great date but I just knew I did not want to push further ... but for a week or two it was nice having someone fresh interested, in a way I could relate to the affair drug in that sense.
Hi Mleigh- good for you for handling the recent situations w/H, especially the angry spew. It can be hard, in the moment, not to get dragged into that mess! As for regretting not validating enough, sometimes there just isn't too much to validate.
Good to hear you are in a good head space.
Cali, don't worry big bro, I will keep it cool at kiddie drop off. Might curl the hair though! If only we could post pics, I have some great 80's pics with my hair a good 2 inches high! I remember your date well. Did you feel like you were betraying your W? That has been a tough spot for me. I want to behave the way I want my H to behave, so I get really torn on this! However, H is the one who has rejected me, in some horrible ways, for 2 years now. I guess I should not feel guilty for finally feeling attracted to someone, doesn't mean anything will come of it.... At least I know I still have that in me. A year ago I was numb.
Hi Hawho. You would be correct, not much to validate, especially in that conversation. I get so tired of his obsession of who S will be 15 years from now. H is missing NOW. He has already missed so much these past 2 years....I hope he can repair the damage he is doing someday with his S.
Just journaling an explanation of how I had posted that in the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I actually have felt that way since shortly after H moved out. What has changed recently is the feeling of control that I felt H had of our R. I am now feeling like the one with the upper hand, the one who will decide what is best for S and I. I am no longer worrying about what H may be thinking, I am focused on my own feelings. I feel strong.
Cali, don't worry big bro, I will keep it cool at kiddie drop off. Might curl the hair though! If only we could post pics, I have some great 80's pics with my hair a good 2 inches high! I remember your date well. Did you feel like you were betraying your W? That has been a tough spot for me. I want to behave the way I want my H to behave, so I get really torn on this! However, H is the one who has rejected me, in some horrible ways, for 2 years now. I guess I should not feel guilty for finally feeling attracted to someone, doesn't mean anything will come of it.... At least I know I still have that in me. A year ago I was numb.
Hi Hawho. You would be correct, not much to validate, especially in that conversation. I get so tired of his obsession of who S will be 15 years from now. H is missing NOW. He has already missed so much these past 2 years....I hope he can repair the damage he is doing someday with his S.
Just journaling an explanation of how I had posted that in the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I actually have felt that way since shortly after H moved out. What has changed recently is the feeling of control that I felt H had of our R. I am now feeling like the one with the upper hand, the one who will decide what is best for S and I. I am no longer worrying about what H may be thinking, I am focused on my own feelings. I feel strong.
LOL @ you .... I have some serious 80's crap songs rolling around in my head at the moment.
At the time ... noo I did not feel I was betraying my wife 'we were separated so its not cheating' right??!! ... ugh, well in my mind it was just going out for drinks, I was not looking to connect/score .. though I could have pursued and probably done whatever. I felt worse in a way using the girl to test myself ya know? Like you said .. I too was numb and just wanted to 'feel' if only for a night/week .. whatever some kind of thrill/rush to confirm I was desirable in some form. I do recall on the drive there I thought about W ... had the thought of her walking in and seeing me then shrugged and mentally flipped her off with all she did to me at that time. I do not think that was the right way to look at it ... but as usuall I am honest here if anything.
I do like how you feel the shift in power ... its a nice change no? I recall getting there vividly too. That sense of .. Ok go be crazy in your sandbox .. I have mine just the way I like is and you are not going to make a mess of this one too .. go clean up yours first.
Wow-Mleigh, great point regarding H missing present time with S as he is so worried about future S!
I understand what you mean about hoping H can repair damage w/S. It is hard to go through this w/children in tow.
Amazing to hear how strong you feel! Good work.
Cali, I can relate. I would LOVE to just go have dinner or drinks with someone, but have wondered many times...what do I say about my sitch? I suppose I just say we are separated and leave it at that....but in my heart I know if H said he wants to work on M, I would want to try. Is that fair to someone? Is it fair to hold myself back because of that?
Hhmmmmmm. Maybe one of those times you just let it roll and see what happens.
I too relate to that feeling of having someone seem interested in you and the rush of getting to know someone new, the A drug. HOWEVER, would never consider it while in a committed marriage so still no free pass for an A. But ya, I get what you are saying.
Hawho, even more hilarious is H lecturing me on how important it is for S to know RESPONSIBILITY and HARD WORK. How he needs to learn how to earn things by putting in effort and hard work....
Um, can he look in the mirror and see the example he is setting for S by bailing on his home and marriage please? Running from problems when life gets a little tough instead of facing them? Holding his family in limbo for 2 years?
He should be grateful that he has me in S life to keep his world calm and balanced, with structure and routine. Letting S play his IPad is no comparison to the damage H is doing.
MLC is for the birds!
Like I said, sometimes, there is not much to validate!
However, excellent opportunity to practice detachment by changing the station in your head to elevator music: all the leaves are brown and the sky is grey. . .
Lol Hawho! Actually, I have Indian flute music on my Pandora. Works wonders!!
Oh, and I now sleep with my alarm clock background sound of crickets every night.
Um..I wish I was making this up but I'm not. At drop off, H waved me behind the truck away from S and asked if I had heard anything about his sister (the drug addict) I said no.
He went on to tell me that she has run off to an island in Mexico and is hiding out there because she is delusional and thinks people are chasing her. She has sent some strange text messages to her mom and sister and they were able to figure out where she is. Gets better.....
H then tells me he might need to go and find her, so he was giving me a heads up in regards to S... I replied right away that does not sound safe, you don't know what kind of people she is hanging out with, and if you did find her, what are you going to do, tie her up and throw her over your shoulder onto the plane??? Our friend Paul offered to go with him and the hope is she would trust H to come back. I guess his mom called the consulate and was told the police are useless in these situations. Apparently mom wants to go, but husband (not her dad) said no. (Can you imagine anyone keeping you from your child? I mean in this situation, H sister is over 50 years old and has dug her own bed as I see it, but if she really wanted to go....I just have no respect for his mom)
I just told H I am sorry to hear about the turn of events with her and to let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
I drove away, and got madder and madder. Has he completely lost it? Do we matter at all? His son at least?
So I TM him to question if they are sure she is delusional because she is hard core into drugs and it's very possible people ARE after her for money owed. God knows where she is and who she is with, and I again let him know I am worried about his safety because we are talking Mexico here.
He replied that based on texts she sent her mom and sister, that she is clearly delusional.
I replied that I understand his concern for his sister and that I hoped they could figure out another way then him going after her. I added that I don't like it and don't agree with his family thinking he should go.
He replied that he offered, no one asked him.
I answered..ok do what you think best, I am here to support.
Got back Thank You with a big heart.
I don't even know what to think about all this....other than ridiculous.
What would you do if you were faced with a situation such as this with a member of your family? Would you sit back and do nothing?
The consulate is correct that the police will do nothing unless she commits a crime. If your h does find her, as her brother, he may be able to have her admitted to the hospital for observation, i.e., if she's delusional enough to cause bodily harm to herself or someone else.
Besides the run of the mill drug addiction, does she have any type of personality disorder, such a bipolar, etc.? If she's off her regular meds for such an disorder, this can cause delusions.
As for your h's safety, at least someone is going w/him to assist him in locating his sister and hopefully getting her admitted somewhere for proper treatment, whether it's in Mexico or the States. I wish him the best, but again, the police will not do anything unless she commits a crime of some sort.
I'm sorry this has come up, but I do "get it" about why your h volunteered to go search for her. He is concerned, as I would be about the situation if my sibling was in a foreign place acting delusional, etc.
I don't know Job...I don't have siblings, I am an only child. I do have friends I love very much....but we are talking about a 50 something woman, who has 3 children and 5 grandchildren. Since I met H 15 years ago, he has seen her a handful of times, they have no relationship. She is a half sister, from his mom's first marriage. And each time I have been around her, I always thought she was a bit off, saying random off the wall things, and just not very nice. I have never cared for her much.
She has been struggling with drug abuse for many many years. H dad has offered to pay for rehab, her children have begged her to get help. Just last year her daughter let her move in, then kicked her right out because of her verbal abuse.
No one has told me of any personality disorders but now that you mention it, seems very likely.
Mainly I worry about H. Really, I am the first to offer help if someone needs it, I just don't want anything to happen to him. He comes first. I can just see him getting her back here, she will not get help, and off the deep end she will go again....it's just been a pattern with her.
However, I meant what I said when I told him to do whatever he thinks he should. I will support him. Who knows? It may be an adventure he needs to take....it may help him in some way....it may be something he needs to do.
This could very well be the adventure that your h craves right now. Keep in mind, during MLC, they play the savior. They have this need to rescue someone in distress and it is generally the OP, but in this case, it could very well be his sister.
Sounds like she may have some mental issues going on and hopefully your h and his friend can figure out what to do w/her if they locate her.
Your h and his friend will not take any unnecessary chances while there. I'm sure they'll consider all of their options before they go off to remote places looking for her. Let's just hope and pray that they find her and she's not done any harm to herself and they all can return to the States safe and sound.
Thanks for your prayers Job. SIL and MIL are all over Facebook with this. The latest is that SIL in Mexico contacted SIL here via Facebook and told her she is safe on the Island but cannot go back to the airport in Cancun without a police escort because of something she witnessed in Cancun. With the help of a church on the Island, she has been spotted and they know what hotel she is staying at. MIL has left her a message that if she will come home, my H and FIL will go get her. Waiting to hear back.
Well, at least she picked a beautiful place to hide out at! And at least she sounds safe right now. I feel much better knowing more details and especially knowing FIL would go with H.
Woke up early this morning and went on a marathon walk. I just kept going Forrest Gump style! Felt great.
Looking for things to keep me busy until S gets home. He expressed yesterday that he hates having to stay at daddy's, even said he wishes he would move back home so S wouldn't have to go back and forth. I told him I understand how hard that must be and praised him for handling it so well. I told him I don't think daddy is quite ready to come back home and that we really still are not sure that will happen, but that we need to stay patient and let daddy have this time. S groaned, gave me a huge hug goodbye.
Maybe it's time to start that painting project in my master bath!
Some interaction with H. He came over to drop off S. I was out back picking some weeds, so he came outside. Was very friendly, said he could smell dogs potty mat and went to work spraying it. I was cleaning up one of my plants and he playfully sprayed at me. It is hot so I said Ha that feels good!
We came inside and I showed him the start of my bathroom project. I then said, ok, I have a man in the house so let me think if I need any help with anything.....and he walked over to his hanging deer head and asked if I was ready to get rid of it. I said I was ready a long time ago! So, yes happy he was taking that God awful thing, but also thinking.....he isn't coming back home.....
So he needed some tools and the ladder in the garage, so I went down to help and decided to just throw it out there...I said eventually we should get together and talk about what we are going to do....H said, ya, I know..is there a socket wrench in here? I said, "ya, you know?" He looked at me and said, ya, I know you want to (in a not nice accusing sort of way).....and his voice trailed off. Then he exclaimed here it is! Grabbed the wrench and took off. Left me wondering, is he still ticked about friend staying over? So I dropped it.
He got the deer head, then spent 15 minutes working on the garage door that wasn't closing properly before he left.
Well, I was curious what he would say and I guess that's all I get right now! At least I can laugh about it. 2 years since Bday, 7 months since move out....I feel the need to know where he is at! Super curious. So, I will take my seat again here in limbo land of the dark. It ok, I'm good for a bit while more... I think... Anyone have any popcorn? Got some wine
I am feeling antsy pantsy. I feel like basically I am living life and not able still to make any decision about H, but instead waiting to see if H wakes up, or if I meet someone. Whichever comes first. Craving companionship lately....Can anyone relate?
My new goal is to ride this through the holidays. My favorite time of year is around the corner and I don't want anything to tarnish that. That gives H 1 year of living on his own, seems that I have come this far I may as well keep going here. I really hope something is starting to happen inside him. I don't know how longer I can do this with any hope of having feelings for him again. The longer this goes on, the more I feel myself slipping away
M
If anyone can relate to that last post its me. I recall looking at the calendar thinking .. OK, Nov makes it a year, her lease is up and should show some movement ... but nothing, in fact seemed OM was still there and would always be ... I to decided .. Holidays, new traditions, new life ... I can still see it on the calendar in my office in red "D_R" of when I gave up. November 17th those ants in my pants took over and I was not going to ride any longer. I think it was about then I did the 'date' and while that was new ... .it did tell me loud and clear I was not ready to move on in that aspect of my life .. so I decided to be solo for as long as I needed to be.
I relate to all those feelings and special things feeling like sand in your hands, slipping through the middle of your fingers so fast and now you just seem to have 'dirty hands' but something keeps you from dusting them off, its not as if you are holding on to those grains of sand, but they in fact are holding on to you in some strange defiance to gravity.
Get past the SIL issue, get through the holidays ... I am not sure what approach one should take ... I see a possible cake eat fest chance during the Holidays .. I know the first year I did as W wanted/needed and that was painful, painful knowing we had our fake family holiday, then she had another with OM, the next year I refused to have any part of it with her and this clearly sent the boulder rolling down the street. Easier for me in this respect as there was a OM, your H never has seemed to go down this route ... strange little duckie that he is.
Curious to see how things play out in the next few months with him.
That is just it Cali! He seems fake....It is starting to seem to me like he is putting on some kind of show for S, but is completely different when dealing with just me on any kind of serious subject in regards to our R. I still sense so much anger there, I saw a complete flip of attitude and demeanor in that 2 minute exchange in the garage. It actually left me speechless and is beyond weird. I remember thinking to myself, are we talking about the same thing? It blows me away to think HE is the angry one here...
And yes, I can bet on cake eating during the holidays....
I just don't know...feeling like, if I know there is any chance with H, I will stay in it. If he is already done in his mind and just letting this drag out to avoid being the "bad guy", I want to move on....like I said, I am missing companionship and feel like I am missing out on things...my friends are fun, but it's not the same. I am too young to be alone....
Would it be so bad to do my own temp check with H, to see where his mind is at? Because mixed messages have been coming like crazy. Even in our blow ups, I get nothing in regards to our R. I don't feel I am able to put myself out there until I know where H and I stand. With no R talk in 7 months, and hot and cold behavior, it is unclear to me. And ya, I am thinking I may be ready to put myself out there.
It's really scary to me, and I may, like Cali, need that experience to help me know if I am really ready or not.
And YES, I don't feel like I am holding on to those strings, I feel like they are holding on to me.
As I put down my tablet and walked away, I can hear Job in my mind (you have a very nice, calm and nurturing voice by the way) say,
" your H hasn't brought up where he is at because he himself still doesn't know. If you decided to talk with him, you most likely would still not get any answers. Time to dig for more patience. "
Am I close?
M
You have been at this so long like I have, felt like to me like diving and there are points you lose orientation not sure which way is up. I do think as MWD states in the books .. nothing wrong with trying something different just to monitor the movement .. I did do this often with my "Science Experiments" ... it was controlled, less out of my emotional needs more out of a logical curiosity, could be argues I did things here and there to get a reaction from W ... but at some point it was like poking a person to see if they were dead or just sleeping really heavily ya know? Some movement .. any movement I needed to see. With your H, seems he keeps strings attached to home, fixing the garage door ... cleaning that mat, I laughed to myself thinking it was odd, like he himself was peeing on things as a dog marking his territory by cleaning up after .. yup another dog. Funny to me anyways.
I am not sure if I would press R talk, as it most likely will just add pressure and make him run faster and further into the tunnel. When I announced there would no longer be what I called "Fake Family Holidays" this really sparked some movement, granted we did not spend the Holidays at all together, at the time I was totally good with this and did not want to ... moving on and setting my own traditions. I am not sure in your sitch what such a thing would do to your H, seems he is lost but also does not seem like 7 months later he has really moved much from what I read. But R talk to me was worthless with someone not only checked out of the M, but checked out of life in so many ways. I do think maybe a poke and measure the movement would not upset the apple cart.
As I put down my tablet and walked away, I can hear Job in my mind (you have a very nice, calm and nurturing voice by the way) say,
" your H hasn't brought up where he is at because he himself still doesn't know. If you decided to talk with him, you most likely would still not get any answers. Time to dig for more patience. "
Am I close?
LMAO .. I thought I was the only one who did that... You should hear uR in my minds ear.
You are right on the money!
If you do decide to talk to him, you won't get the answers you are looking for. Get the shovel out and start digging for more patience.
It's funny how certain people sort of stay with us, in our heads, huh?
Thanks Cali and Job. Your input means the world to me. As Arthur from Happy Days would say....(sigh) Yeeeppp, yep, yep, yep yep.
I hear ya and I get ya. A talk will get me nowhere and knowing inside myself he is not ready for one, seems silly to bother with, may even set things back.
A poke, huh? I think the friend staying over was one for sure, got H to join us on vacation! Not sure what more I can do, need to think on that one, and want to keep it harmless. Having friend over wasn't smart.
As for the holidays...no more fake family time sounds good to me. Honestly, between vacation and my birthday, and the attention I got from H, I think it is part of my problem. I was nice and closed up, and I let him in a wee bit, and let myself believe it must have meant something. I actually still do, but H has gone right back into his tunnel. And it hurts. And I have to face the reality of it all over again.
Back and forth, up and down....been there done that...hoping to bounce back quicker each time.
As for putting myself out there, I need to follow my own advice. To not worry about it, but to just cross that bridge when and if it comes. I will know what to do and what feels right, I have that confidence in myself. Keep it simple, enjoy this time and keep the focus on me and my son. Easy to say, but sometimes than others harder to do!!!
Hi Mleigh- I can so relate to where you are right now!
So you're looking for a poke? Hasn't H been a bit flirtatious? (Hose spraying? And didn't he buy you roses for your birthday?)
My H did some of the same. So, scary as it was, I decided to lightly flirt back! I heard the advice we always hear: try different things and if it doesn't work, oh well.
I went for it and as the reaction was not overtly negative, tried a few more times. Then after 6-7th time H reciprocated!
Just a suggestion ...
Hawho....hhmmmm. I wasn't thinking of a poke as a come on type thing, I was thinking more of a you better wake up or else lose me thing. I worry about pursuing, not sure if I am ready for anything like that, have worked so hard to detach and shut down those feelings best I can.....but I will think about what you said.
H let me know this morning that his sister contacted him from Mexico. She has asked him to go get her and bring her home. H said based on the conversation he had with her, she is clearly not of sound mind, he said it was heartbreaking. He said he is not looking forward to the trip but just wants to get her out of there.
H and his dad are taking an early morning flight and hope to be home with her by Friday. Please pray for their smooth and safe return. They don't even know if she has proper documentation to get back into the US. She fears that people are waiting for her once they get into Cancun.
S is with H now while I went to an open house at S school. He should be home soon. When I dropped off S tonight, H filled me in on things his sister was telling him during their conversation, we talked for a while. H is bummed about the flight and having to miss work. I STFU but told him that he is doing the right thing. I then told him, heck, can I sneak in your suitcase and come? I said I could just hang out in Cancun on the beach until they got back, joking of course. I was surprised at his answer, he told me the more the merrier, if I could get off work S could stay with Grammy. I just told him, I wish
We got engaged in Cancun, 13 years ago. I wonder if he will remember that?
I will keep your h and his father in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully they can arrive, find her and fly back home w/o too much trouble. She definitely needs help.
BTW, I think you are doing a wonderful job in handling your situation. Your interactions w/your h are just fine. You don't need to go poking the bear. Continue has you have been, i.e., keep the communication channel open and I liked the banter last evening about you finding a place in his luggage. You noticed he was bantering back w/you in a jovial manner. That's good.
He will remember what happened in Cancun and I'm sure he has fond memories of that time...but he may not allow those memories to creep in until his sister is located and arrangements have been made to return to the States.
I know it's going to be difficult, but try to keep your focus on the positives today.
Hi Job. I will follow your advice, aside from it being the simplest thing to do, I know you have seen a lot on here. You seem to see something in H that I don't, so hopefully you are right.
Time for a new thread.