Divorcebusting.com

The Beat Goes On

Posted By: Mighty

The Beat Goes On - 05/03/15 07:12 PM

History of a crazy life:

Wrecking Ball:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472154#Post2472154

Que Sera Sera:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478986#Post2478986

Eyes Wide Open:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2493724&page=1

Time For Change:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494298#Post2494298

Dynamic of a Family Revised:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2498183#Post2498183

Diggin Deep:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2502356#Post2502356

The Silver Lining:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2510323&page=1

Staying Focused:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512426&page=1

Tread Lightly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2512428#Post2512428

The Next Three Weeks:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517994#Post2517994

The Next Step: The True Test
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2523268#Post2523268

Forging Through the Unknown:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529674&page=1

Mighty:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2529681#Post2529681

Rebound: Round 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534521#Post2534521

Learn to Fly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537919#Post2537919

Recoup:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546394&page=1

Uno:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546425#Post2546425

Escaping A Dr. Seuss Nightmare:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2554259#Post2554259
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/03/15 07:39 PM

And there we have it...

1.5 years since bd

10 months since nuke

6 months since xh's admitted regrets and wants back

3 months since he went awol again

and 18 threads later.....

Where the heck am I?

Well... It's been an interesting road, to say the least.

I have a new life. Not really sure what it truly looks like... or where its headed, but, its mine.

I have accepted that I am going it alone this part of the journey. With my kids by my side... yet watching them grown into their own, more independent lives too.

I realize I have a long way to go. I think I've made it through the toughest part..... um.... maybe???? Hopefully?!

There are still some seriously painful moments, but moments of happiness are taking hold. There is a lot out there for me to enjoy and to learn and to experience.

I am a different person. Yet, the core me is still intact. There are some things I know I don't like very much about myself, and I'm working on that. Yet, there are some things I do like about myself.

I am still hard on myself. That keeps me awake at night. I will try to cut myself some more slack... and if I don't I know uR will smack me back out of my momentary lapses. No more, "BUTS" er... try not to...

My heart still breaks for xh. I still wonder about how truly happy he is. Then I have moments where I see clarity and some reality of this debacle of a situation. I mean, as best as one could, I guess. I understand what I understand, and that's that you can't truly understand outside of what we know as general truths. That may make no sense... but... that's my crazy mind.

I see him trying the same thing over and over again. It's not working for him, yet he does not step outside of that to try something different. I mean with my kids, that is. Yet, I think it's pretty true in all areas of his life. I wonder how long he will bang his head against the wall thinking that things will change.

These are passing thoughts. I know the best thing I've done in all of this is not to interfere. After bd and I found this site... like a month after- I stepped out and away. I tried to maintain friendly r w him. After nuke- I stepped totally out of it. I figured he could figure things out on his own. Plus, then, lots of things made sense. Like the r with the kids- it was her control and he allowed it.

OK... I won't digress...

But, again, I have stepped out of it. It has been, by far, the best thing I've done. He needs to grown on his own. He still isn't getting that opportunity. He may never. But I love and respect him enough to not be the one hindering that from him.

And I respect myself enough to know that I wouldn't want to keep a man who doesn't want to be kept.

I know I don't want drama in my life.

New doors are slowly opening for me. That's the exciting part.

Although xh put me on this path. And as much as I didn't want it. As difficult it was for me to accept it, I realize now... I have to take it. And I am free on it. He is trapped and stuck. I can do whatever I want with the rest of my life.
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/03/15 07:55 PM

Mighty,
You may not have wanted to walk this path, but I can assure you, that when you get to the end of the path, you will discover that you are strong and independent and yes, the world is waiting w/open arms to help you heal, experience new things and yes, learn to love again.

Life has a way of turning bad things around and helps us to rise from the ashes.

Slowly, but surely, you will get to the end of the path. Don't rush the process. Experience the good and the bad and at the end of the day, you can say you survived one more day and then, one morning you will get up and the load will have been lifted and you will find joy in everything that you do. It all takes time.
Posted By: Shining

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/03/15 11:04 PM

Atta girl, Mighty!!

It is a long road, indeed. I would go so far as to say that yes, some of the worst parts are behind you. Not that there won't be more tough things in your lifetime...there will be.

I believe that through this process, you will have grown enough to know you can navigate whatever comes your way. And THAT is why it will not likely ever be as tough for you again.

You got this, babycakes. wink
Posted By: 123Gwen

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/04/15 03:57 AM

Mighty you sound strong - no pun intended. Seriously I feel your conviction and I have to say that you wear it well. Good job.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/04/15 06:52 PM

Ok, so I got another text. I really think the full moon does have an impact on xh's behavior. I could sense it coming... And I've gotten 3 texts and cc'd on emails- all in the last week. And it has been totally dark for a couple months.

And yet, up to this point, there has been, on average of about every 3 months- something that "happens" re him.

So, I was thinking... It's coming up on around the 3 month mark... Is something gonna happen. What next???

I realize texts aren't much, but I just get an uneasy feeling. What's next who knows.... Another baby? Engaged? Married? Whaterer... I'm sure I won't be told if it's any of those things. Not by him.

Just like there is another shoe to drop.... When did Siamese centipeds start wearing shoes? How many more shoes are left?

Anyway- I didn't open the text. I saw, "s18 was tardy to school. You need to make sure you let me..."

Ok. I knew s18 was late. I talked to him on my way to work & his ride bailed & he walked. So he was like 5 min late. I addressed it w him and at this point- the homestretch- I have to run a tight ship. He's aware if it. We are going to end strong! I have also been in contact w his teachers & things are good.

But first of all.... I don't NEED to do anything, xh. I do not tell him what to do. How to parent... Nothing. I've got this. Better than I have in a long time. And when I WAS struggling, and seeking his help, trying to coparent, trying to get him to participate in his children's lives, he had no time for it. And then he was told and abided by her rules as to how & when he can participate- and now you want me to do what you say? No. Not gonna happen.

It just gets me fired up when I think about how much I tried to encourage him to be a decent parent to our kids. That it had NOTHING to do w us and I just wanted to work things out amicably- especially w the kids. And as he would say, "I can't" and that was eventually....

Sometimes is would take days for him to respond- even when I would say things were bad w s18. And I hardly ever called or texted him. Only when necessary and ONLY about the kids.

Ugh. I'm ok and not that upset, but it's frustrating. He is totally controlled and acts like a Bee-otch to a 20-something- then gonna tell me what I need to do? Is he that crazy? He better recognize.
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/04/15 10:48 PM

Mighty, I hope you give yourself a whole lot of credit for getting your son and daughter through this school year successfully.

Don't take it for granted that things could have ended a whole lot differently.

You're quite a woman Mighty :-)
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/05/15 11:14 AM

Mighty,
It's not just the full moon, but we have a special holiday coming up...Mother's Day. He could be coming out of the woodwork because of the date.

He's still trying to have some control over the family, i.e., by addressing your son's tardiness. I know, he's not been there for his family for quite some time, but in his mind, he's still trying and doesn't understand that it's rubbing you the wrong way. The best thing you can do is ignore the texts unless an emergency should arise.

Mighty, I'm truly sorry he's still out there and acting out. I do hope that one day he will settle down and come to realize what he's lost.

Continue moving forward. I think you've been handling things very well.
Posted By: 2BHappy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/05/15 01:40 PM

Mighty you are heading in the right direction on your new path.

I often try to think of this mess as a test that I will pass, as a test of my strength, a test of my faith. I also see it as an eye opener to the things I needed to change about ME. I'm thankful that it allowed me to grow and change my interactions with my family and friends, especially my s14 and my mom. So in that way this is a gift.

Think about your changes, think about the better parent you are now, would that have happened without your XH MLC?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/05/15 11:59 PM

job, Shining, Gwen- thank you, thank you! You guys all rock and are amazing inspiration and support. I'm sorry I didn't holla back at cha prior to my other post. Thanks for recognizing my small successes.... aaahhh... a deep breath of fresh air.... it's amazing.

Heather- you make an eye-opening point! You are so right... thing could have been much different! Whew... thank goodness for how things are turning around. But I will never take small things for granted again!

job- yuck, yuck, yuck! You are right! Mother's Day.... dum dum duuuuuuuuuummmmmm. I have a feeling I won't hear from xh. I didn't last month for my bday, and that's ok! I'm totally cool with it. However... thinking about last Mother's Day- well that makes me want to ralph. So- I'm not going there.

And, job, you telling me you think I've been handling things well... wow... that means a lot to me to hear that from you. I have been trying really hard to do the right things while healing. Thank you.

2B- Great question! And a great idea for a thread. I'm gonna think on that and post it on the designated thread. You're doing great, btw.

OK, just a couple of things that have been bouncing around in my mind. Lots of room for things to bounce, I guess... crazy

First, poor d14. I think she is in a process right not. Digesting. She has made a few comments lately. More than ever. Usually she is pretty tight lipped. But you can see she is really thinking about things. And she's not happy about things. For her, she will say, like, a couple of sentences. Out of nowhere. Then drop it. I haven't said a word. I am being very careful. I listen. I STFU. I make sure I don't make any facial expressions at all. Just a listening face. Usually it's so quick, and I'm doing something, that I don't even have to look anyway.

I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure she has really been thinking about things since the last time she saw him- last month. When he was in a rush to get back to hww. Well... that's the way she saw it. And she hasn't seen him since, outside of him going to her games. Which they don't talk there. He just watches and leaves... usually early. I don't know this bc I don't see nor look for him. She says it.

OK, other thing. I can tell I have reached another level. Today at work I was cleaning out some things and I came across a pic of xh and my kids. It was my 30th bday and we were in Jamaica. Awww... it broke my heart. I love THAT guy! He had his arms around my kids... awwww man. It was tough seeing it. Then right after, a kid wanted to show me his book about paratroopers in the Army. Xh was a paratrooper. We lived on base together. We were married right before he went in. S18 was a baby. Looking through the pics, especially seeing the pic, awwwww man!

Then, right after that... a friend had mentioned something about her friend who works w hww and xh and is good friends w xh... blah blah... just made me all twisty inside... the connection there is really weird... an me to the family... whatever... a cluster..

However, it made me soooo sad. But, it's a little different. I don't fall apart. I didn't go spinning. Just a little... like... icky. Mostly sad.

And I have noticed I just close the door now to the pain. When things come up, things I've seen- places I've been- I don't want to go back. I close the door. I get a peek- and bam! Closed!

I wonder if that's what mlcers do. Are they able to close the door like that? I have never experienced anything like it before. I was always quite thoughtful to things I was aware of. I would think things through, analyze, well, you guys have seen me do it a billion times! But, I just don't want to go to those places anymore. I don't think It's in an unhealthy way. I have just spent enough time there. But, its an incredible thing to do! And really... is that what they do??
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/06/15 03:13 AM

Mighty,
To answer your question, they shut the door on their pain many, many years ago and when something shuts the lights off in their minds, hearts and souls, that's when the hurtful emotions begin to play out. They tend to compartmentalize their lives and when the pain gets too great, they shift over to another compartment in order to avoid the pain.

What you experienced is very much like what the crisis person feels...except their emotions go far, far deeper because of the length of time and the stunting of their emotional growth as children/young adults.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/06/15 09:21 PM

job, that is so crazy. I mean, I hear about it... it was just a concept I couldn't really understand. I live through my stuff. But, I guess I didn't have things THAT painful. There was stuff.... but... I carried on and through.

This, is different. A whole new level. I just don't want to live in those places anymore. I hate looking at those things. I hate thinking about what he has done. When I see glimpses into things that he has done since mlc, I get out of that thought as quickly as possible. Like setting my hand on a hot stove. Pulling away the second I feel the burn.

It's also making me feel so distant. The guy I knew... man... it seems like it was sooooo long ago...

I lived this weird place for awhile. Like if he was still there- in there somewhere- like I was on pause, waiting for a glimpse. Man, his return just changed everything. He didn't really return.

Anyway... just another dumb ramble from me.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/10/15 10:01 PM

I hate Mother's Day. I know it seems so pessimistic, but I just wish it didn't exist. I would be totally fine if it didn't.

I have been struggling for the last two days with this. I have pretended it didn't and almost pulled it off.

First, my GAL has picked up momentum, however, it's not a one size fits all. I can't seem to get it right. Nothing fills the void. But, I'm ok, and dealing with it. I know it's part of the process, as much as I feel I am working against the current.

Last year, I knew nothing of hww. She was fairly newly preg.. but I didn't know. When i found out of it, it was something that bothered me- he spent Mothers and Fathers day with her. WTF!

Whateve...

At least last year I got, "Happy Mother's Day!" first thing in the morning, if only to be followed by crickets to my response.

I have been denying my stress for the past couple of days.

I told myself, just "focus on..." and i am so tired of having to put so much focus on.. just to get by...



I didn't hear from xh last month for my bday. I didn't expect to, really. But, it was the first in 20.

I realized today, it was different, bc he was celebrating with someone else. I played it off all day. Played myself. Morning was a little bit of a downer. Yet, I heard from xbil first thing this morning, which was nice, but a reminder. Saw my fam for brunch. It was cool. But, I realized, I am like an outsider. Not because of them. Because I'm trying to find my place. It's just not the same. I just watch. It's very different for me. I am so used to being so involved. Loud and talkative. I don't have much to say anymore. Nothing seems just right.

Not a complaint. Just a self-observation.

The day has passed. I was aware of the silence. Not that I expected. I just hate it. I hate that my family is SO messed up bc he had to f her. That he has a child bc of that.

I think about her. What stage she is in. Is she starting to get her first tooth? Is she sitting up yet? I deny to myself that... but part of my brain works against me. I just can't help it. A little girl was riding her little pink bike on the street today in front of my house. I just think about how he will be there with her in a few years. Every little kid makes me think about him living in that...

I try so hard to fight it... it's just hard to deny.

I could hear xbil and xsil next door this morning getting ready to leave. They don't go out anywhere or anything. So I start to wonder if they are going to mil or something. And will xh take hww there. My mind starts to go... I try to put it to sleep.

But then... Im good. I know I'm OK and I put things into perspective and everything is good.

Then I get a text from xh's sister. I haven't heard from her once through this. We used to be close. She just said HMD.. I returned the same. She responds, I love you all. I kind of lost it for like 15 minutes. I was OK, but it brought out things I didn't know existed. I realized there is more in me that I need to deal with.

I thought I pulled it together. Then... I started thinking about the baby again.

So I just took a shower. I cried my eyes out. Got myself together. And notice.... I got a text from xh:

"Happy Mother's Day"

It seemed with such... I don't know.. carelessness..

I know it seem stupid of me to say that. And... makes me seem like a b... but, really, I just fell apart again.

I haven't responded because i just have nothing to say.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/10/15 10:06 PM

Is it bad that I dont say anything. I just have nothing to say. I don't mean it mean or rude or in anger. I have never been passive aggressive... I just have nothing...
Posted By: BklynMom

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/10/15 10:42 PM

I think you should write back "thks" and just leave it at that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm 4 years in and it took prob 2 years for me to feel somewhat normal.

You can do this!!
Posted By: Matt165

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/10/15 11:13 PM

Hang in there Mighty,
Happy Mother's Day! You have been such a positive to both your kids through all this. They are lucky to have a mom as strong as you. You could easily have allowed your awful sitch to take your attention away from the pain they were in as well. But you didn't. You stayed strong for them. You protected them when they needed it and were there when they needed someone to let them know that they will survive the pain, that they were still loved and cared for. You're doing great, better than most people I know would be in the same sitch. You're an inspiration to so many here on the boards and to your kids. Like Bklyn said "You can do this!!"!
Posted By: Georgiabelle

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/11/15 12:34 AM

Mighty,

I'm sorry it's been a struggle today. You are awesome and your kids are lucky to have such a fantastic, devoted mom.

Hang in there!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/11/15 08:32 PM

Hi brook, Matt, and gb. Thanks so much for your thoughts & encouragement.

I just couldn't bring myself to respond. I don't know...

If I think about him- like a narrow vision, I could, but when my view broadens- when I see the bigger picture, I just pull back. I think I focused an the narrow vision for quite some time now. I saw what I know most. What I loved. My best friend and husband I cherished. I think it prevented me to look at everything- to take it all in. Don't know if I could have handled it all at one, anyway.

But seeing the larger scope is pretty painful. That's what makes me stay far away. That's when I feel like I have no reason to respond. I just don't.

So, I feel like I'm still a little bit in recovery from yesterday. It took a bit of a toll. I just can't stand him. I love him. My heart breaks for him. But I can't stand him.

I would love to get to a point where I just don't care about any of it. And soon!
Posted By: Hope414

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/11/15 11:31 PM

Hi Mighty,

If you couldn't bring yourself to respond--then I'm glad you didn't respond.

Only do what you want to do.

Then you will have nothing to regret later.

Maybe the Mighty in 2020 would have handled the text different. And maybe the Might from 2010 would have handled the text different.

But you are the Mighty in 2015.

I trust this Mighty's judgement. She's got a pretty good handle on her feelings--even if she doesn't think she does.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/12/15 11:46 AM

Mighty, you feel how you do and thats ok. You are taking care of you. That's important. You matter.

You cant rush this along, M. You can hinder it some, though. You do that when you dont listen to your feelings and when you hold onto them for too long.

So, sit with them for awhile. Then when you are ready, let them wash over you. Eventually you will be able to let them go.

You arent there yet, but you are on your way.

I know its hard to get your mind around it still in a lot of ways. I do feel that learning to accept what happened goes a long way towards healing.

You will be ok, M. Believe that. Hold onto that. One day you will feel peace, my friend.

I wish I could tell you that it all goes away, but, that isnt honest. It heals over. The deep searing pain will be gone, but, there is a dull ache from time to time.

This is a huge thing to have happen. Life changing.

But I believe with all I have that this is how it is meant to happen for reasons we dont see when in the thick of it.

This is a journey you were meant to go on.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/12/15 08:34 PM

Hope- I LOVE hearing from you! You have a succinct way of putting things and it makes me feel good. You have amazing perspective and insight. Thank you for sharing it with me.

uR- Hey, babe! Do you feel like you are on a merry-go-round with me? I swear, I really have been better! Sun and Mon really threw me for a loop. More that I anticipated.

Today was a little better. However, I noticed I had an email in my junk folder at work. I knew what that meant. It was from xh. I had blocked him in the fall after he sent that crazy email to s18 and cc'd me on my work email. Anyway, it actually diverts to my junk folder.

He just had some dumb question about s18's class. And, since he has been emailing the teacher, I'm not sure why he didn't just ask him. Especially since it was from an email from the teacher! Whatever. It was lame. But it did come yesterday, and I considered it a blessing that I didn't notice it until today. I was in a much stronger place today than yesterday, and it would have thrown me more off kilter than I already was.

Been bombarded with $ things. One thing after another. I am pretending it's not an issue and trying to grin and bear it. Hopefully everything will pan out. Working another job this summer, so trying to make it till then. But I actually have that $ earmarked for other things... but... I'm... still... grinning...

uR... it's funny, this morning as I was getting ready for work, I kept focusing on acceptance. And how it's really the key to everything. Then later, you post that to me. So... obviously...

I mean, I believe I am in such a better place bc of it. I believe I had accepted things, for the most part, prior to round 2. But, I guess, knowing things I know now, it makes it a little more difficult. However, I need to focus on other things I know. Like- he went back. It was a choice he made. And that's that. Still struggling with the baby thing. But, I need to work through it.

I am trying to work through all parts. I have no intention of staying in any of these places. I don't like them. I just want peace and happiness.

I notice, as I work my way back, that it's like these demons.. they come out of nowhere. I have to fight them off. It's a horrible feeling. These dark shadows of truth... and lies, for that matter. But, I have to take power over them. Accept the truth for what it is. Accept the lies are... and that in the end, I have no control of it. By accepting it, I can take control over it.

I'm getting there. But here is an example. For the most part, I am letting go of the thoughts of hww. For awhile, I thought about how I just wanted her truth to be know. Since I have to live in this town and she can walk around with this "family"... blah, blah... you know. But, I have been getting to the point where I don't care and can live with it being. Having faith that she will suffer the consequences of her actions... and not through me.
But then, I thought I saw her in my neighborhood today. Driving past me on my way home. I was carpooling. It did stay in the corner of my mind... if I knew that was her, I'd get out of this car.... I won't continue. But, I'm just saying... there is something still there. And that's why I hate the thought of running into her.

But, like I said... I am getting over it. I can tell. It's just an uphill battle.
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/12/15 08:53 PM

"I notice, as I work my way back, that it's like these demons.. they come out of nowhere. I have to fight them off. It's a horrible feeling. These dark shadows of truth... and lies, for that matter. But, I have to take power over them. Accept the truth for what it is. Accept the lies are... and that in the end, I have no control of it. By accepting it, I can take control over it. "

Mighty ... I fight ^^^^ alot too ... just when you think you have dealt with them .. they come back .. sizes and intensity change but they definitely are there.... alive and well ... even when you thought you had them all out of your space.

I have always kept up with your sitch ... I laughed today as my post count went 4 flippin digits long.... I obviously intended to join this site, have you all fix my wife (because I was perfect) and be long gone in under 100 posts .... not how it works eh?

I have read enough of you to know ..... your H and the hww take up a good deal of your head space, with all that happened, I think I would have been wearing a fancy white jacket that tied in the back at this point. You talked of acceptance, yeah .. what choice do we have really, no one can explain the MLC and why they do what they do, all we can do is accept they are broken, accept that we can do nothing about it.

Your H is a fool, a broken fool, the email ... I think its just another thing, in his mind he wants you right where he left you, and maybe you are still right there ya know? Mighty I say this with love in my heart, go ... live. H and hww do not deserve the head space you have given them, I know its tough, I know it is, and I know it stings ... always will I imagine .. its not fair this thing, regardless of the outcome. I am sitting here thinking .... wow .. years wasted, nothing will ever be the same, I will never be the same ... but ya know what .. I will be stronger .. so will you, and I have no doubt at some point you will find one who will not have taken you for granted, someone YOU can lean on and know they will be there .. might not be your H ... but he had his chance, you gave him plenty of time and chances .. he has chose a lesser option .. door #3. You are the prize Mighty, you know that ... you can walk proud.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/13/15 11:13 PM

Cali, wow, wow, wow. Thank you. Ya know... I am trying so hard to go out and live. I just can't seem to get it right. I think I need a steadier pace. I am great when I gal... but tend to crash hard. Makes the emptiness echo. Seem magnified.

Maybe bc I'm a people person... being back in "society" is great for me... but then back to my reality is crushing. Before, I was in a cocoon... of denial, depression, whatever it was.

I say this, not in a downer way, but I guess just bc I'm finding my way. I realize that my life is totally different. In every way. Sometimes I am much more excited about it than others.

As far as them in my head space... I think its much, much less. I went through a period of keeping them off my mental grid. Yet, I guess, things can trigger it. Mother's Day, for example. That was one, for sure.

Currently, I think I am coming to a major point of frustration. Things are so overwhelming with my house at this point. I have some major decisions to make, along with some serious thousands to cough up... from where... I don't know. That is yet to be determined. And, the choices I make now will have to reflect choices for my future. And with everything so uncertain and unstable, I am feeling totally stressed.

I had a major vent about it today. Caught me off guard, but I think I let out a lot of things that... I hadn't formally illustrated in words. Or in my mind. Then, I slept for five minutes, got in the shower, and had a good cry.

I feel better.

My mom, the master of patience, acknowledge to me the other day, "You have had a lot of patience," regarding the home additions. My response, "Well, I think they've officially run out."

Maybe this is a good thing? Me.. miss confrontational... has been so passive about things for the last 2 yrs...

Over it.

This is now going on three years living like this.

Over it.

However, just got a text from contractor- coming tomorrow!!! Yes!

Now, on top of my Mother's Day set-back, stress from things going on with the house, there is also a lot going on with the kids, including s18's graduation, prom, and all that stuff.
D14 & I are going on a trip in a couple of weeks.

And I got like 3 or 4 more emails from xh today. Just crap about s18.

Also, d14 has plans with him this weekend. They are going to the second most haunted place in the US. It goes late at night until like wee-early hours of the morning. I can't believe he is taking her.

Is it weird to say that it scares me to think what may attach themselves to him right now... and with my d there.. yikes.

Maybe I will send her with a rosary!

I wish they would do something different, but I am... staying out of it. What's even weirder... d14 is taking a friend (not a friend I'm a huge fan of... xh does not know her) and her dad said he wanted to go. So xh is taking him too! That is so not his style! But, if I can say anything, at least he is willing to do whatever to do something with her. Even if last time he was in a rush to get rid of her to "hurry home." Whatever.

It has been messing with me a little, if I'm honest. That head space thing... well... what the thoughts are in my head, anyway. I'm not even going to get into it. Not worth the finger use, either.

So- keep it real. That's the best thing I can to. And I realized last night, as my kids and I were at dinner and joking around, THAT's what makes me walk proud. Them.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 01:52 PM

I'm about to snap. Xh is out of control w these emails. I know he is just trying to get any attention from me. Trying tigger a response and he is grasping at straws. I have been working daily w s18 to ensure everything is taken care of for school.

I have also had daily communication w his teacher. The teacher also keeps xh updated, which is fine. Xh cc'd me on the emails and it's so annoying! I already know what's going on. It's like he thinks he is the one handeling everything by emailing me.

Teacher sent a good report to both of us, but always sends separate msg. Xh replies and ccs me with, "that's great!" Blah blah. I worked w s18 on it last nigh so I knew, but was glad to hear from his teacher.

I may sound like a b. but I feel like he thinks he is the reason, that I'm not doing my job as a parent... Whatev. And honestly. To see him write such a happy response like everything is great- pisses me off.

I just want him to leave me alone!
Posted By: Shining

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 02:25 PM

Hey, my friend smile

Besides the part where you are awesome and if there is any *snapping* to be done, it would be a group of us here going out to find your x and....hehe jk

Yeah, those kinds of emails can sure jab at our maternal defenses.... I see you're recognizing it's bs, tho. So now that you do, what's the next thing??

(megaphone voice) "Attention: Please step away from the nonsense." laugh

Here's what you know (and so do we wink ):
1. You're a fantastic mama
2. You have the school stuff under control, all on your own
3. You don't need xh permission or his input for anything

So, who cares what xh thinks about you and your parenting, whether he believes he's handling things, etc? Although you are probably correct that he is trying to get attention, along with hundreds of other possibilities because he can't figure out how to get happy... who cares. You know your truth. Your kids are doing great.

That's all that matters, M. That's really it.

When I'm about to snap, it helps me to make a list of the things I can control, and the things I can't.

If you go through your last 2 posts, what would your list look like?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 03:17 PM

Thanks shining. So much!! I will make a list. I was also thinking of making one of things I have to accept. I need things to be explicit. Just how my brain can process.

I know it's nonsense. I just want to snap at him... I know! I've got this! Leave me alone. Go live the life you chose! Glad your happy! Stop bothering me!

That's all. Thankfully, shiz hit the fan at work... Got a distraction... And have the skills to handle it w no problem-o.

Just a good change of mind.
Posted By: Shining

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 03:24 PM

Yep! You got it!!

Lemme just remind you sumthin'... (because I do this too.... shush, uR wink )

GO EASY ON YOURSELF WITH THE ACCEPTANCE. (I wasn't yelling...simply emphasizing.)

Make the list of what you can and can't control, and sort it out. But accepting??

That takes a long time. A really...really....really...really....well, you get it.

That will happen when it does. And it probably will never quite be 100%, either. The important thing is the baby steps in that direction.

Glad you have a shizzy distraction at work! (?) Did I just validate that? Weird. I meant glad you have the skills to handle it. I have zero doubt, you freakin' rockstar. cool
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 10:46 PM

Thanks shining. Rockstar??? Not at this. At all.

Dreaded going to d14 game today. I'm in parking lot now... Just ended.

I don't feel bad about myself seeing him.! I just can't stand seeing him.

And I did. I haven't in months, outside from my house... He was far away and I just said, "go away."

It is just so hard seeing him. One of the hardest things ever. Realizing... This guy... Has a "family." I just can't.... I don't know what. I have no choice but to accept it. But seeing him, knowing that. He is going home to that. It is soooo hard.

I saw him, of course, felt all that ^^^. But then I tried to re-calibrate. It kind of worked. I took a second to look at him again (he didn't see) and I just thought, "what a piece of $hit." That's all I could think.

Then, when I was leaving, I had to walk past him. That was fine, but I just kept thinking- I. Hate. Him.

This sounds so immature; I'm aware. Empathy and all that... Blah blah blah...

I hate everything he had done.

Now, all these f'ing emails... I walked right past him with no one around. If he really had something to say, he could have tried, at least, to address me. I walked right past.... No one would have heard anything.

Nothing.

Didn't even look. He saw... But wouldn't look.

No balls.

Am I being tough? I think I've given a lot of slack. Much more than deserved.

I mean, yeah, I'm getting to a better place. I really am. I'm moving on and realizing- accepting- my future is no longer with him.

But I don't know that I will ever recover from .... Him. Like... Dealing with him. I just don't see how I can get over.... Some things.

I want to clarify- I don't mean get hung up on this, stay in this place, become bitter... Not that at all. I know that won't happen. I mean- I don't think I can get to that place... That depth of true damage. The heart of it all. I just don't know how. I want to. I don't think it's possible.

And for everyone to act like it's ok. Like it's not a big deal. That this major catastrophe has occurred inside me and my kids. Without thought, consideration, care, or concern. It just so awful... I don't need my ego massaged or anything... I just don't know how people could do that.

Ok. I think I'm done for now. D14 called my phone and said xh is taking her home. So..... I'm parked near water waiting for time to pass so I don't have to see him at my house. They may go somewhere first... So I'll wait awhile.

Thanks for the release space.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/14/15 10:53 PM

I also want to clarify... When I say peoe don't care- I do t think I'm a victim. Not like that. I mean... THEM... And family/friends who celebrate like this is happy and exciting. Without acknowledging what those two did to my kids and that they are treated like second class citizens... Still dealing with the literal and figurative disaster that remains. While they start anew...

It's not ok.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 12:14 AM

Mighty, getting to a place of acceptance takes time. It just does. And the truth of it is that we can never fully understand it because we havent been in crisis. It makes no sense. It is beyond comprehension.

When I realized that, it also helped me to accept it. I had to let go of trying to get my mind around craziness because I wasnt crazy. There was no way I could ever get it. None.

So, to continue to try to understand it, was an effort in futility. It just wasnt ever going to happen.

Now I could have continued to go round and round.. how could he do that, how could he say that, how could he hurt his only child, how could he have taken every cent from me, etc...but that wouldnt get me anywhere.

So I chose to accept what was. I didnt have to like it or understand it, I just had to accept that he went crazy when he went into crisis.

I remember I would think that there are just some things in the world that didnt make sense...like a child dying or a mother killing her children. I couldnt get my mind around those things either.

And while this is a horrific thing to have happen, it certainly wasnt anywhere near as terrible as those things.

People dont get this, M. Heck, I have been around it for years, up close to many MLCs and I still dont fully understand it.

You have to make a choice, every single day, to let go of the need to understand it. You have to make a choice, every day to try to let go. Some days you make it, some you dont. Until there are more days that you do.

You are giving him so much power, Mighty. Power he doesnt deserve. Power that is better served for you.

I want you to do something for me. The next time you have to see him, think of this as you walk by him with your head held high and with attitude..."I did nothing to be ashamed of. I am worthy. He cannot take anymore from me. I wont allow it." And then walk by with a flip of your hair. Show him strength even if you arent feeling it yet. Show him that he did not break you..because he didnt.

Remember all you have survived, Mighty. Dont give him one bit more. He isnt worthy of it.

And if you dont want to get those emails, write him one that says so. "I am aware of what is transpiring in school with our son. There is no need for you to send me emails regarding it."

Your son is now 18. That was when I told my xh that unless it was something catastophic, I would no longer be keepimg him in the loop about our son as he is an adult. If he wanted information, he can ask our son. Not to be a b*tch at all, just because my xh made the choice to not be involved so then he needed to live that choice. He couldnt have it both ways and I wasnt responsible for their relationship or lack thereof. Not my problem.

M, you will get to acceptance one day. You will. You have to help yourself get there in whatever way you need to.

Take back your power, sweetie. Start to build a life of peace and be open to all the possibilities.
Posted By: kml

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 12:37 AM

Quote:
The next time you have to see him, think of this as you walk by him with your head held high and with attitude..."I did nothing to be ashamed of. I am worthy. He cannot take anymore from me. I wont allow it." And then walk by with a flip of your hair. Show him strength even if you arent feeling it yet. Show him that he did not break you..because he didnt.



OR - just think to yourself: "SUCKAHHHHH" and walk on by wink
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 01:30 AM

uR & Ellie... soooooo glad to hear from you. Been in a bit of desperation this week. I didn't read your posts yet bc I want to get this out... and my memory does not serve me well these days..


I got home from p/u s18 tonight, and d14 texted me that she was next door at bil talking with her aunt. It was... different... but that's fine.

She came home all flustered. Apparently her friend bailed on going with her this weekend, which leave her alone with xh. She is not even trying to consider it. So she went next door to see if she could get bil and her cousin to go.

Bil has to work, and xh was texting d14, looks like it's just me and you. So she was trying to talk him into taking n14. He said no. She said she wouldn't go. He said he just spend $90 and she does not have a choice- she's going.

D14 was not having it. She said no way and that he's boring. They went back and forth a little. This is what I recall her telling me from their back and forth:

d14: I don't want to go with you. It will be boring.

xh: That hurts my feelings.

d14: Well it hurts my feelings that you live with that rat and had a baby with her.

Long pause....

xh: That's not nice.

d14: It's not nice that you left us.

xh: I'm sorry d14.

xh: Things didn't work out with your mom and me.

d14: You told me you were coming back.

d14: Maybe I should wipe baby crap on your truck and you will come back.

(N14 watched the video at bil of that and told d14 when hww did it to xh's truck when he left... seriously...)

xh: Do you hate me too?

d14: No I don't hate you. I hate your poor choices. Night.

xh: Good night. I love you.

Wow... that's a lot for a 14 year old. I may have missed some minor things... but I think that's pretty much it from what she told me. (She read it to me)

Again.... wow. This from the little tight-lipped one who doesn't say much.. won't "talk" but lets things slip out here and there.

He's such a putz. And it infuriates me that he says, "It didn't work out with me and your mom." And then "works it out" over there????? !!!!!!!! Seriously???!!!! Ugh. Twice... without a f'ing discussion and it didn't work out. That implies that there was effort in that, right? I am leaving my own feelings out w/ d14... but inside... that.... putz. Why does he say that?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 02:02 AM

Ellie- hilarious. Love that!

uR, you know.. I do walk proud when i see him. I don't feel ashamed of myself or anything like that. It is just so hard to see him. I can fake it like nobody's business... but I'm just struggling with the inside.

I did get control... I didn't let him get away with taking my strength. I pulled it together.

But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it. But that in itself is a difficult concept to grasp. I get it. The rational part of me understand what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it. I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.

But I'm done with it. I am spinning a little. I thought I'd gotten past this part. That's what's so frustrating. Just when I think I'm past some stuff... something says... noooooope...

Maybe I'm my worst enemy- which I don't know how to defeat. I am clearly aware of what I should(ish) do...

I know I sound like I'm not getting better. I realize this. But outside of---- this----- these remaining issues, everything else is moving alone.

For awhile, it was like a vortex I was trying to escape. I was fighting against it- so hard- to get out. As I was near the end, entering the outskirts, there was a suction cup on my core... It was so hard to get past that suction.

I know... I'm an idiot. Just felt like that. I think I've surpassed that point. However... I've just got to let go. Let go. Let go. I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.

Maybe the insult of not only how he discarded me.. but that it "didn't work out" crap... or that THAT is worthy of effort. Whatever. Not going to do this to myself anymore.
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 03:21 AM

This ^^^^^
Originally Posted By: Mighty
I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.
I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. And I'm still searching for an answer…
And this:
Originally Posted By: Mighty
Maybe the insult of not only how he discarded me.. but that it "didn't work out" crap... or that THAT is worthy of effort.
At least he is trying to maintain some kind of contact with the kids. It feels like my H discarded my son too.

Your daughter is very smart, Mighty. I just hope that she will process all this sh!t her Dad put her through and comes out of it even smarter and stronger.

Always thinking about you, Mighty… Keep moving on. I will try to do the same smile
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/15/15 07:25 PM

I know its hard to see him, M. But the truth is, you have children together, so, its inevitable. The sooner you can detach the better for you. And sweetie, you arent detached. You are further along, but, you still have a ways to go.

Detaching to me means when I will no longer allow someone's words or actions to affect mine.

You are still in his head..trying to understand how he could do this. It just isnt going to happen because there is no logical explanation.

Originally Posted By: Mighty

But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it.


You see that up there ^^^? You want something from him that he is/was incapable of and you keep expecting to understand why. It just is. Was it right? Hel! no!! But it's what happened.

Then you wrote this:

Originally Posted By: Mighty
The rational part of me understands what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it.
I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.


You say that you understand there is no rationality to it, but then ask how he can continue to go through the motions. He is broken, confused, in crisis. Not to give an excuse, just an explanation.

You keep hoping for something different and as long as you do, you will continue to hurt.

I want you to understand that I am not picking on you. Not at all. I care a great deal about you. I was you for a very long time. Couldnt believe it, couldnt get my mind around it. It kept me stuck. Until the day when I just accepted that it doesnt matter why he did it. It just didnt. It happened the way it did for whatever reasons it did and there was nothing I can do to change it. So, I made the decision to let it go. I just said to myself, no amount of me not understanding it was going to change what happened. No amount of me thinking about it or playing it over and over in my head was going to either.

But what that would do was make me crazy. What it would do was keep me in that place.

Listen, Mighty, you are doing great, really. I just know how you feel and I want you not to feel that way for one minute longer than you need to.

Originally Posted By: Mighty

I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.


About that ^^^. You are holding onto who he was. You are holding onto trying to understand what he did. You are holding onto the feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

I remember for me, holding onto all of that was my comfort zone of sorts. As long as I could keep wondering, I didnt have to move forward.

He did what he did. It succks that he did it. You cant understand it and thats ok, M. It really is.

But the way to peace is letting the feelings wash over you. It is saying...what happened is not a reflection of me, but of him. He has chosen what he has, now I get to choose me.

If you allow yourself to let go of the bad feelings when you can, you will feel lighter. Put them in a balloon and let them fly away, Mighty.

You are amazing. Be that. You are strong. Be that, too.

What you had with him was real, M. It was. Cherish those memories. Honor them. And love him enough to let him go..and more importantly, love yourself enough, too.
Posted By: LiveNow

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/16/15 02:04 AM

Hey Mighty - Some good responses you're getting here, as usual. When I read what you write, I think 'I could have written about 80% of it.' I'm still working on letting go. And although the good days now outnumber the bad, I, too, have to deal with the 'new family' thing. We never had children, and he has now been with OW 17 years younger than him -- with two children ages 6 and 8 -- for almost 2 years. Instant family! The thought of THAT alone, not to mention JUST the OW part, is enough to almost kill me. But I just keep reminding myself there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I can do about the past, and he is SO not worth my time and energy nowadays. He threw his entire life away for whatever it is he has now. He had a right to make those choices, however 'unfair' they seem. A friend's mom, almost 80 years old now, said to me tonight 'I just can't imagine he's really happy.' I told her 'I can't either.' I really can't. But, that doesn't matter. That is not something worth spending my time thinking about. And you know what? While planning my new life (our house just sold and I've got about 5 weeks to get out of here), I find I just do not have time anyway! I realize I have a lot to look forward to. So do you, Mighty. So much!

I told someone the other day (who is in a similar situation, and in the process of D) that I'm moving forward with 'LiveNow 2.0' (thanks, Cali). They really got a kick out of that, and said they look forward to talking with me again -- they feel they have much to learn from me. It made me feel great -- and grateful, that I found all of you on this board that helped me come as far as I have. I truly do hope I can help others by coming through this crap in one piece. You can too. (You already are, by posting here.) Who knows, maybe that is part of your purpose on this earth. Maybe it's part of mine too. All I know is, I'm going to keep reading here -- and I look forward to hearing just how freakin' AWESOME Mighty 2.0 is!
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/16/15 07:09 AM

Originally Posted By: uRworthy
You keep hoping for something different and as long as you do, you will continue to hurt.
This just made a lot of sense for me.

And this ^^^^^
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
And love him enough to let him go..and more importantly, love yourself enough, too.


Hey, LiveNow, I love this “LiveNow 2.0”! And I’m all for “Mighty 2.0”!
Posted By: claire7

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/16/15 12:14 PM

I needed to hear this, too uR. Thank you.
Posted By: AJM

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/19/15 02:42 AM

You know what struck me, Mighty? Your daughter. She is very articulate. She also is healing. She is rightfully p**sed at her father. But she is differentiating between that hurt and her love of her father. That's incredible at any age!

She expressed, very well, how she feels. She differentiates between him and his choices. She does not like what he did, but she is not kicking him to the curb either.

When I got married, I made a vow. When I had kids, I took on the responsibility to raise them to the best of my ability. My spouse's behavior and choices never let me off the hook for that. As a parent, I have an obligation to my kids. To see them grow up healthy and able to deal with life, whatever comes.

I take that seriously. To me, it means helping my kids and loving them unconditionally. I've been tested, believe me. But it doesn't let me off the hook. What my spouse did, doesn't give me the right to walk away from those obligations, even if I don't agree with her choices or those of her new husband.

I point that out, because you're not the type to walk away either. What happened...su*ks. It's not what you wanted, but it is what happened. You know that, and your feelings are catching up to that as you learn to live differently.

See what your daughter wrote again. Note how she is differentiating between his choices and who he is now. She doesn't like it, Mighty. She's hurt by his choices. But she is learning and walking through the grief, sorrow and anger.

You are obviously doing a great job, Mighty. For a child to have that ability doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. They learn from you. They learn from the world around them, too, but primarily from their parents. It's an echo of sorts smile

Let go of the person he was, and see him for who he is. Deal with him that way. Get your quiet time and recharge. Think about it - he's not going to be the person you knew. He's too broken and trying to put himself together. Not very well, but he's trying. He wants to have a relationship with his kids - that's huge in this arena, believe me. But know that he is not who you knew and likely won't ever be again.

Since you can't change what happened, perhaps you can reframe how you see it and how you see him?

Peace,
AJ
Posted By: Hope414

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 03:00 AM

I’ve gone back and forth on whether to chime in…but…I’ve decided not to stay silent.

Mighty, not only do I believe you are absolutely right to be angry at your ex telling your daughter “Things didn't work out with your mom and me” but I believe you should address his comment with both your children.

I have a problem teaching children they should “share” responsibility for another person’s bad choices..which is what I believe your ex just did.

For a moment I will completely agree with your husband. I will agree to any argument he could give for how unpleasant life was with you. If he says you were the meanest, most unsupportive wife that ever lived. Okay. I agree. If he says you could have been more attractive, more loving, more agreeable, and more pleasant. Okay. I agree. If he says, you spent all of his money and never made him feel validated. Okay. I agree.

But…

He still choose to leave the sanctity of the marriage bed and place his penis inside another woman. Not only did he place his penis inside another woman but he did it carelessly. He did it so carelessly that she got pregnant.

When your ex said “better or for worse” what did he think “worse” was? Moreover…what did he expect of you…as his wife…when he heard these words from you on his wedding day? What did he expect you had to put up with when you said “worse” in your marriage vows?

Did he expect you to remain in the marriage when he was mean, unattractive, unsupportive, unloving, disagreeable, and unpleasant? Did he expect you to validate him no matter what HE did? Even if he spent money on things you didn’t agree with?

And if you were unfaithful and allowed another man to place his penis inside of you…did he see himself in a dual role as “working it out” with you? What if you had been careless with your vagina and allowed yourself to get pregnant? Would he have remained in the marriage?

Would he have seen himself with the dual responsibility of “working it out” with you?

I agree that no marriage can be successful unless we learn the art of compromise and learn how to work things out. Your daughter should know this.

But! And this is a huge BUT!

Your daughter should also know there is one thing that will never be her fault!

And that is infidelity.

Infidelity is a choice by the person who cheats.

Millions of married couples are unhappy because they believe their spouse is mean, unsupportive, unattractive, unloving, disagreeable, and unpleasant.

But despite their unhappiness, they do not cheat. That is a line they do not cross--because they understand infidelity is wrong. In almost every society—infidelity is wrong.

It was your ex-husband’s responsibility to “work it out” once his infidelity came to light and you agreed to remain in the marriage. Any reaction you had to learning that your husband had left the sanctity of your marriage bed and carelessly place his penis in another woman’s vagina was justified.

Did you get angry? It was justified. Did you demand things from him? It was justified.

And was it his responsibility to “work it out?”

YES!

Mighty—His infidelity was never your issue and, I believe, your daughter should know this.

Because, I believe, she should know that no man’s infidelity will EVER be her issue. And therefore—She should NEVER tolerate infidelity in ANY relationship she has.

I believe your ex-husband has set a dangerous example to your children for relationships and marriage. And I would take a stand—AND LET HIM KNOW I TAKE THIS STAND.

If he doesn’t like your stand…tough. He made the choice to engage in a societal taboo and he can defend it…if he wishes.

But! You owe no one (especially him) any justification for believing infidelity is wrong and teaching your children this belief. And maybe the next time he will take a moment before placing blame on you for his bad choices (Things didn't work out with your mom and me.)

NO—Things didn’t work out because your father placed his penis inside another woman’s vagina and did it carelessly. This exploded our marriage to bits and he refused to rebuild it. And I never want my children to think this is acceptable behavior.

Of course you will say it more gently and with love and tenderness. smile
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 12:59 PM

uR
Quote:

You say that you understand there is no rationality to it, but then ask how he can continue to go through the motions. He is broken, confused, in crisis. Not to give an excuse, just an explanation.


Hey, thanks, uR. That ^^ was my point. That logically I understood, but was still not skilled enough to take the emotion out of it. I was still spinning on that, even though I could comprehend it rationally.

But you are right, I will not be able to let it go until... I guess I can stop spinning. I am my own worst enemy with this.

Live, love the post. And I have been thinking along the same lines...

I realized that this is my life. I have felt that the situation is my life and everything else is much smaller. I have gotten to a place where I have lots of great things in my life, and this situation in really only a small piece of it.

Hi Bright & Claire. Hope you are well.

AJ- loved the post. My daughter's communication really caught my attention, too! I mean, wow. And thank you for the compliment. I wouldn't have looked at it like that, but I do need to give myself some credit.
Quote:
Let go of the person he was, and see him for who he is. Deal with him that way. Get your quiet time and recharge. Think about it - he's not going to be the person you knew. He's too broken and trying to put himself together. Not very well, but he's trying. He wants to have a relationship with his kids - that's huge in this arena, believe me. But know that he is not who you knew and likely won't ever be again
And that, AJ ^^. That's some stuff. I think I am truly seeing what that really means. Absorbing into all of me.

Hope- Daaaang! LOVE the post. And I totally agree with you. That's exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing that with me. And my kids, they get it. We were so close, and they are old enough... he can't front on them. There is no cover he can use that isn't totally transparent to them. It ticks me off that he tries to manipulate them with his lies. It is so obvious.

So.... a lot has transpired.

After Mother's Day, I had a tough week. By the weekend, things were going really well. REALLY well! I was super busy. Had lots of GAL. S18 had prom and had a great time. D14 was doing great. This week was also going very well. What's interesting.... the new perspective and insight I gain after a set back.

Set backs stink, but I tend to come back a little stronger every time. I thought of it like if I were Earth. Always spinning around, but in a constant forward progression, which forces me to move along my path. Don't know I entirely agree with that now, but it was a thought. And I guess the point is, that even with setbacks, when I come out, I am a little further along than before the setback.

But... now there is a new one... however, I think it is a good thing. It was VERY eye opening. And has given me some great perspective, and is enabling me to D.E.T.A.C.H. I mean, this is all pretty new... so we will see where I land. But, I'm OK. So I guess that's a good sign.

I will explain....
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 01:45 PM

OK, so coming off the weekend with a whole new attitude from the weekend prior, I was off and running to a good start of the week.

Wednesday, I had IC, which I was really looking forward to. On my way there, I started getting emotional. Not because I was going there, but because my drive was towards xh's and hww's work, right around the time they get out. I loathe the thought of seeing them. I even thought about people here who have to see it frequently and how I just cant stand the thought of it.

At this point. I don't care what they do. It's whatever. But, I just don't want to see it. And what really makes it so difficult is her entitled, selfishness. She just does not care. At all. You know the story... it's her world....

Anyway, I talk for awhile with my IC about how I am so fearful of seeing them... or running into her. For the most part, I have adjusted to seeing him at games and things. It's not great, but I am... OK. And I keep a good distance. But her... I really don't know what she looks like, exactly. I only saw her the one time in November, and it was for a few seconds, and it was a little....

So I was very open and honest with my IC about it. Essentially, I just am not prepared yet.

I avoid anything I can to prevent myself from seeing her... or "them." I go to the store as minimally as possible, and try to go during a time when they'd be at work. I don't go places I think she may be. I refuse to drive anywhere near their house... or her mom's house. Honestly, it's torture. I can't explain it anymore that pure terrorism.

I know, it's my own thing I need to get over. I could go on... but what's the point?

So I leave my IC and go home. As soon as I get home, d14 tells me she wants to get a lava lamp for her teacher. His broke, she really likes him (he is an older teacher, retiring next year) and there is something about him that she.... trusts. And he really likes her. He gave her a political pin he has had for 25 years, and so on....

Well he is having medical issues and d14 is really worried about him and wanted to do something nice. So... we headed off to... Walmart!

We were in there awhile just being silly and looking at things. Then, when we were leaving... guess who pulled in right behind me. Yup... you guessed it.

HWW

I couldn't believe it.

So as I was leaving, she was walking in... I said, "What up, homewrecker!" and drove home.

You can give me all the 2x4's in the world. I know, I know, I know. And really... I'm OK with it.

Five minutes later xh called me. I didn't answer.

Yesterday, I was at d14's lax game. Xh was there. Way on the outskirts, as always, bc he is humiliated with his life???? Whatever.

As I was watching the game... I got a phone call. From the sheriff dept.

About my altercation in the Walmart parking lot. OK, now we have entered full blown Jerry Springer status.

I asked him, "So, what did I do that was illegal?" He really didn't give me an answer. He was super annoyed. He said he didn't have time for this petty nonsense. I reminded him that I did not involve him. I was trying to be respectful...

I just didn't comprehend. Like, what the....

He told me if it happened again, i could be arrested. Whatever.

So, I was pretty pissed.

The three month silence was broken. I went right over to xh.

OMG... Who is this person??? I mean seriously??? There was not 1% of this person who was him. I didn't recognize one thing!

I asked him what she told him happened. He refused to tell me. (Because it is totally fabricated). I asked why he called me. He said bc I was at the store waiting for her. I informed him I was at home!

Apparently, from what I could get out of his drabble... was that I stalk and harass her. I followed her there to harass her and was waiting for her. I don't even know. Ummmm.... I avoid her like the f'ing plague!

I reminded him that she makes up stories, lies, is a huge drama queen... just like he told me. He said no she's not. I reminded him about how even HER mom said that and when she scratched herself on a hanger trying to kick him out, how she tried to lie and say he did it to her. Then she texted him about it and he said, thank you for confirming that I didn't do that to you. And he said- no, that didn't happen.

He could NOT look me in the eyes- even for a second. He kept trying to AVOID EVERYTHING!! He kept trying to walk away. He implied that she has a plan to take me down. That I am digging a whole and I'm not going to get out of it bc she is going to bury me. I don't even know what the heck he is talking about. I asked what he meant, and he said, "I'm not telling you anything."

He acted like I was a total scumbag stranger. And honestly, it was like he has never known me. And I am not saying this because I care... He seems 100% brainwashed. It is soooooo bizarre. She is so in his head about me. SOOOO in his head. Seriously- like the 20 years meant nothing.

And he confided in me before that she would always get upset and say that he always sticks up for me. I was thinking about how I was so irrelevant from their life, what could she even be saying about me that he would have to? She didn't know me nor had never even seen me. Well.... looks like he had to make a change with that!

What I see is someone who is doing whatever she wants and says just to.... be happy???? He sold his soul to the devil. And he sold me out along the way. I just couldn't believe that he would support here going to the cops on me. I really can't. So I guess a part of me is still pretty naive.

He totally sees me as a threat bc of what he confided in me. He says she did nothing wrong... by breaking up our family. He said it is all on him. Which I agreed with but said they are both to blame. She knew he was married and had kids... and she was a mother herself. That she does not care how much she hurts my kids.

Anything I said was totally irrelevant. I don't think he heard a thing I said.

He is totally brainwashed. (I am not saying that to take away his accountability)

Things he said did not make sense.

He totally defended her.

He defended his actions.

Says he does not care what people say.

He was trying to escape like crazy.

He looks like crap. He looks even more aged than he did a few months ago. He looks tired and old. He is only 37, and always looked very youthful looking.

I tried to plead with him to consider moving. He said he's not going anywhere. I explained how difficult it has been for d14 and she always wants to move away. Can you guess the response????

Because of ME! Duh.. of course.

I reminded him that when she first said it in December, he was here, and that it was HIM who said he knows she wants to move because of the baby and the sitch. Um... yeah... no comment.

But I know they blame me for everything.

That's OK.

I am going back to my solitude. My silence.

They get nothing from me. As long as they can point their misery at me, they won't look at each other, or heaven forbid... in the mirror.

I've got lots to look forward to. And I'm going to keep it moving. I couldn't help but think that it all happened for a reason.

I couldn't believe the timing. I have prayed so hard for the last week to help me see the truth. And to help me move on. And seeing her was sooo on my mind.

I believe I saw the truth. I believe it has helped me MOVE ON. And I think she was put in my path for a reason.

When I think about where he is... it really breaks my heart. I feel so badly for him. I see his despair. I don't want that for him, even if he doesn't care about what happens to me. I realize that's part of his broken-ness. And I can't continue to let that hold me back from my happiness.

Gotta go... HVAC guy is coming. And the drywall in the kitchen is being hung as we speak!! Whooop whoop!
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 02:03 PM

Mighty,
Funny how she showed up at the same store you did and was right behind you. Who is stalking who? I don't think this was an accidental move on her part. If I recall Walmart has a lot of parking spaces and why did she choose to park directly behind you unless the parking lot was full? I may be wrong, but it sounds like she did this deliberately to set the ball in motion to get in your face. Funny how the cops were called after you said something.

No matter what you say or do, she's going to lie to keep him close. She's the one that really looks stupid, as you did not stalk her nor did you threaten her. She's just plain nuts. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could see her.

As for your stupid xh...he deserves her. He's going to defend her no matter what happens and let's face it...he knows you wouldn't do stuff like that. She's got him by those jewels and twisting them so hard he doesn't know what hit him. It's going to take a lot for him to see the light of day or he'll be singing at a high pitch for the rest of his life.

BTW, I think you were actually nice in what you said to her. She's lucky you didn't raise your voice for the entire parking lot to hear what you said. Now, you know what you are dealing w/and you'll have to refrain from saying anything to her. It's okay to look her in the eyes, but don't say another word. I may be wrong, but she's going to try to goad you again into saying or doing something. She knows exactly what she's doing and the wedge that she's driving between you and your xh will only get deeper and wider to keep the two of you at odds over co-parenting and getting along for the sake of the family.

I hope you can get a lot of your kitchen work done today. Put that anger to good use in hanging the drywall.

I think you are doing great and btw, I'm proud of you! Don't let them see you sweat!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 02:12 PM

Quote:
She's lucky you didn't raise your voice for the entire parking lot to hear what you said.


ummmm....

I kinda did.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 02:13 PM

Thanks, job.

I really appreciate the support. Reality can be a pretty lonely place.

xo
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 03:08 PM

What I take away from this episode...boy, is this guy going to regret his decision one day. She's a loon.

I think you showed tremendous restraint.

I've been reading some about victims of rape and PTSD. Episodes of intense/hair trigger rage are common among folks recovering from profound traumatic experiences. It takes time, don't beat yourself up for reacting to a person who, in truth, upset your life in a horrific way. That's just the reality. It would be like meeting the grizzly bear in a parking lot months after you were mauled.

If she was a grizz, though, you would be able say she was just doing what came naturally. And, sadly, she probably is...because she is crazy.

Look at how pathetic and sneaky she behaved. Not that I'm surprised.

Feelings are feelings. Not good, not bad. Just feelings. There must be a reason you feel what you feel...in this case huge injustice. Over these feelings, you have little control. It's what you do with them. You are the master of the actions in response to the feelings.

When you called her a homewrecker, well, it's the truth. She is.

I hear you, when you remark about the 2x4's etc...you are judging yourself and maybe questioning the response you will get on the boards...but, the fact remains, you have every right to feel some truly intense, overwhelming feelings upon seeing this person who damaged the life you had. And, it's not for anyone to judge how you handled it.

Bottom line: YOU HANDLED IT without killing her. You aren't in jail.

I discovered Matt's affair when I was driving D12 to fireworks on July 4 two years ago. They were broken down on the side of the road in OUR old Jeep. Anyway, at one point I damn near drove my Jeep into the other with skank sitting there saying, "There's nothing going on Heather." With a nose full of piercings and a body covered in tattoos. VERY JERRY SPRINGER. ;-)

I hate to see you driven from your home, but I have to say, in my experience, the distance has made things so much easier to get past. It's helped me. Maybe it's not your answer.
Posted By: kml

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 07:04 PM

She called the police because you called her a homewrecker as you passed her as you were going out of the store and she was going in???

Seriously - you need to A) get a copy of that police report and B) contact the store to see if they have security camera tape. Because if she is claiming something happened other than you just calling her a name, the security cameras will prove it wasn't so - and you may need to threaten her with a lawsuit to let her know she can't pull that kind of crazyass sh!t.

Women like this are dangerous and you need to nip this in the bud. Security tape isn't kept all that long so ask to speak to the store manager ASAP so they don't tape over it.

She must have made SOMETHING up because I can't imagine the cops wasting their time if all she told them was you called her by her name ("Homewrecker") lol.
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 07:43 PM

I agree w/kml. You need to get a copy of the complaint that she lodged against you. I can't even imagine law enforcement getting involved unless she said you had threatened her or raised your hand to her. Watch your back.

BTW, how is the kitchen coming along?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:02 PM

Thank you, Heather. That was a really nice post. I appreciate it.

Ellie, yeah... she is so crazy. She is the most conniving, manipulating, 'victim' you could ever imagine.

She is straight-up evil.

I can't even imagine being that kind of scum-of-the-earth human.

I am sick to my stomach. I don't even know if I want to see the report! It may send me into a rage!

I just want them to disappear from my life! I don't care what they do; I just want them to do it far away from me!

I feel, in a way, angry at myself for giving him any attention at all. I feel like he liked it. I know it did nothing, he didn't hear anything I was saying.

He said I need to let it go. I was trying to express to him that I have let it go. That I'm NOT hanging on to him, but my frustration is her attitude towards the whole thing and how it affects my kids. He did not even want to hear me say that I've let it go. It's like he wants to make it about me wanting him.

He so needs to get over himself. It does make me aware that I need to not give them any attention. I pointed out the fact that I haven't called him or bothered him for anything since July 7, 2014. It was actually before then, but that's the nuke date. I totally left them alone. I never once said a peep to them. Nothing. He texted me all that week asking if I was ok and stuff.... I went totally dark that day.

Of course there was the very minimal interaction in the fall. Very minimal... until he came around. But since February 10, 2015, when I said I have to let him go. That's what I've done and haven't said a peep since (outside of the d14 bday and the one day of texting about the deed, both in February.)

But he totally made it out like I am after him. I stalk her and harass her. I just don't get it. Together they have created this image of who they want me to be to feed their narcissistic ego. I'm not that!

And I realize it was pointless and frustrating... but I kept trying to get that through to him. But he DID NOT want to hear that. He did not want me to interrupt their creation of their idea of who I am. It's so sick.

Clearly he is threatened bc he confided in me how he felt about her. And clearly she is threatened by me bc he came back around here for awhile.

So, as i want nothing to do with either one of them... they are threatened by me. But I don't want that. I just want peace!

Maybe I'm way off base. But it just seems that way. And it seems like the clarity I prayed for. It's what my instincts tell me at this point.

I don't want to look like the crazy one. I don't want to come across as bitter. Again, I just want them to go away from me! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

She may think she "won" the battle, but honestly the war she is fighting is not with me. I'm not interested.

I think they love the drama.

And xh said i just need to leave her alone. It's frustrating, honestly. I mean... I have left them alone this whole time! I went there ONCE and it was bc of s18. It's not my fault she turns everything into being about her. And she is a victim who needs constant attention and ego massaging.

It's exhausting for me, and I've seen her a total of like, 45 seconds in my whole life.

I can't believe that he denied everything he said. Seriously. Everything. I have never seen anyone try to hard to avoid EVERYTHING the way he did. He couldn't address anything!

And that he is so defensive of her. And she could do no wrong. And all the crap she has pulled on him over the past couple of months... just that I know about... total denial. Robot. Brainwashed. Unreal.

OK...vent over. Smiling now! (Although my insides are still a lil bit on fire.)
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:04 PM

The thing is, I was in my car and she was in the doorway of the store. I wasn't even near her. I was leaving and yelled out to her as she was going in.

She parked behind me and headed into the store as I was pulling out. By the time I got around, she was heading in. I beeped and yelled it.

WTF?

I can't even stand it.

That was my response to job's post.^^
Posted By: kml

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:10 PM

Seriously - get the security video. Lucky for you, this occurred somewhere where there will be video, so that it's not just her word against yours. Sounds like she's been making up tons of BS so it would be very good for you to have the tape to defend yourself.

Then just go back to not giving them any attention at all. They're SO not worth your time or energy.

BTW - what did your daughter think of you calling her that?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:11 PM

See????

I called it.

It's about every three months for a year and a half that SOMETHING crazy happens.

Actually... it's been like that for almost three years! But specifically in this sitch for 1.5 that I could concisely state at this point.

Ugh! OK... August will be fabulous.
Posted By: job

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:13 PM

Mighty,
They are feeding off of each other's drama. It's a thrill to them to keep the drama going. The more she can say that you are stalking her, the more he'll come to her defense and get on your case about it....it doesn't matter that you aren't doing these things...why? Because she going to continue planting seeds of "poor me, I'm scared of Mighty" in his mind.

The only thing I can figure is that she told the cop you were chasing her with the car. LOL! Gosh, that was so stupid of her.

I'll have to share my little adventure of meeting the my xh's ow back in 2000. I really was a bad girl and I'm lucky I wasn't escorted out of where she worked...but the drama was too good for the parties that were witnessing it.

Your meeting was very mild to some. Drama queen to the highest.

Now, it's back to Mighty's world. Mighty, I truly hope that you can find some peace this weekend. Gosh, it's been such an up and down time for you. Hopefully the kitchen will be looking better and closer to being finished very soon.

Please try to enjoy your weekend.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:14 PM

Ellie-

Well... at the time, she was not thrilled. By the time we got home she kind of got a kick out of it.

Then she told me she told her close friends... who also got a kick out of it.

I'm so embarrassed. But honestly, it's reality. It's life. And these are real emotions.

Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:17 PM

Thanks, job. I do have some plans this weekend and I'm really looking forward to them.

Haha! I would have loved to see what happened in 2000!
Posted By: CaliGuy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/22/15 08:42 PM

Mighty.

Thats some event .... I might be looking at this whole thing through a different set of glasses .... no .. no 2x4 from me but following your story and giving this some thought I thought I would share my viewpoint.

Recall that we all come here due to the hurt and pain, and we are told ... work on us, we are the prize? Well I see its evident that you indeed are the prize here. I will try to explain it the best I can ... maybe it will make sense .. I hope.

I too doubt this was a total accident, and it does say a bit about hww's character from where I stand ... keep in mind I have Jedi Mindreading ability. I would imagine she spotted you and has been thinking about any confrontation for some time, as the OM who 'stole' your husband .... at the core she must have thought it would be a possibility. All her actions to this point have tended to lead one to believe she is a very insecure person ... and with you ... you are the prize, you and your H had what she never will ... 20 years ... lets face it , her track record, the way she is , I doubt her relationships have lasted long .. so you are in the way, H already attempted to go back to you just when she thought she had him on lockdown. She knows H is not happy, miserable .. the happy times between them are gone so what better way to keep you away from her and her 'family' than to stage an even and hope to start laying the ground work for restraining orders.

Its the drama game Mighty ... you are above this .. do not let her suck you in .. but just smile that she is so threatened by you and so insecure and terrified that the simple "HomeWrecker" comment prompted her to run off to the police ... I mean WHO does that?
Posted By: LiveNow

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 02:16 AM

OMG. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed when I read about your 'event.' Cali is so right, Mighty. This person is so threatened by you she has to completely make up cr@p to try and draw XH closer. It will never work. He will one day see her for who she really is, if he hasnt already. You ARE the prize. Keep that in mind. No 2x4's from me! You go, girl! Hope you enjoy your weekend. Me, I'm going to my vacation home probably for the last time before he buys it from me and starts playing house with OW and her kids. (Eye roll)
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 03:00 AM

Ok, it IS kinda funny. What a crazeeee biatch.

She called the PO PO on you Mighty...for what? Hurting her feelings??

You didn't even call her an obscenity and it was through a car window.

I do wonder if she is following you and has been awaiting this op. Not to go all paranoid, but it seems a bit fishy.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 03:44 AM

Mighty, I just want to say a few things, if I may. First of all, Im sorry you were upset and that she called the cops. Ridiculous that she did.

When I was going through all of this and would angry about the ow, I finally realized something. Everytime I said something or did something, I was playing right into their hands. It became them against the world.

She didnt care if I was angry or upset. Neither did my xh. So what was the point of that?

They have to stick up for the other person. If they dont and they agree about what kind of person they are, what does that say about them?

So, I decided that I was not going to allow them to make me be someone I wasnt. I wasnt going to allow them to change me and who I had become. Nope. No freakin way were either of them getting any part of me.

Mighty, she doesnt care what you say. Thats the truth of it. I think you are thinking deep inside that you can find the words to either of them that is going to make them think about what they are doing and it's not going to happen.

When you act like that, you are just confirming what they think you are like.

He will not admit to you anything about her. You are just spinning your wheels.

The ow is grasping at straws. This relationship will one day come crashing down because it is built on lies, deceit and the breaking up of a family.

Dont stoop to their level, Mighty. Dont try to get them to hear anything. Be the Mighty you want to be in spite of their actions. Show your daughter how to get through the tough parts of life with dignity and strength. Leave them to their ridiculousness.
Posted By: Hope414

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 04:17 AM

I am aghast the police wasted their time with this incident. Maybe if you had yelled a 4-letter word...they could have inferred some sort of indecency but, oh my goodness!

"Homewrecker"

Screamed at Walmart?

Wowwwwww. eek

Verbally, that lands on the same verbal assault scale as calling someone "meanie" at a maximum security prison. It is just laughable.

But, it does make me wonder what she said in order to get the police report filed...which is why you need to see the police report.

Will it anger you?

Yup.

But, information is power and you, Mighty, keep giving away your power at the wrong time.

You need to know if she insinuated you were violent or irrational in the police report.

I have a feeling she may have done this.

Why?

Because your ex made the comment that you need to "leave them alone" which is baffling because you have left them alone.

In fact, you ignore him on a regular basis.

Which makes me ask an obvious question: How much more alone could you leave them?

Answer: You can't leave them any more alone than you have.

Well then...if this is the answer...we need to ask another question:

What is your ex losing because of your silence? And, how does your ex benefit if he can paint a picture of an irrational and/or violent ex-wife?

When I ask, "What is your ex losing because of your silence" ask yourself this:

Do I have something he wants...but he can't access because I am silent?

I think you might know the answer to this.

Some ex's estranged from their children will use any weapon available to regain the relationship. Even if it means destroying their ex-spouse by alleging they are irrational and/or violent.

I strongly advise you to get the police report and do not take your husband's rantings lightly. I'm beginning to think he is not in as much despair as you might think.
Posted By: Lifes Twists

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 10:38 AM

Mighty,

Based on my own recent experience with this kind of behavior i would suggest you go on the offensive. I suspect she and your ex both lied to the police about you. They will have both lied about repeated harassing phone calls, stalking, threats.

The first thing is to get the police report. You need to know how low they have gone.

The next is to never ever do what you did again. The short term feeling is not worth the long term results.

Can you document a pattern on her part to harass you?

If you can and your daughter can vouch for your actions in walmart then I would consider getting a restraining order against her and possibly your ex. I would consider doing this immediately to get yourself on record. I guarantee that she is planning on doing this to you. She will call the police a few more times to set the stage and then do it. After that she will then accuse you of violating the restraining order. You need to move quickly to counter this while presenting your self as the sane person who has been pushed to the edge by her actions and their abuse. I don't think you can sit back and hope it goes away.
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 12:34 PM

Mighty,

In my case, reading all the above would get me really spinning.

Break it down.

There's plenty to think about here with what will forever be known as the "Walmart incident." I'm almost sad you didn't say, "You MF whore homewrecker!"

Or...

"Hey Slut!"

"Gotten yourself knocked up by anyone else's husband lately?"

"Yo Mother-effer, howz that STD? Any better?"

:-)

I know you will protect yourself. You're a smart cookie. You have D14 to back up the truth. Deep breath.

Trust your instincts, they are your GPS. I think there are a few simple things you could do to protect yourself without turning this into some sorta extended Jerry Springer.

1. Video at Walmart? Maybe just ask the question. Could call Walmart. How do you go about getting the video.

2. Looking at the police report?? IDK...with support physically around you. Although, I wonder if this is really necessary. I mean, there was no incident. I would imagine the video and D14's truth would support your version of events. We already know they are bast--ds. I suspect the police report is just another example.

Even if the dazzling duo have some nefarious plan...it's difficult to make it happen when you have seen her how often? ONCE in a year to 2 years???

BOTTOM LINE:

I think recovery from the trauma of losing a spouse to an affair--matched with a bastard child takes some patience and time to get past. DUH.

There are going to be episodes of venting and despair that we would rather forget. Moments where you lose yourself.

Telling Matt "Size DOES matter" comes to mind :-) Don't regret it a bit. And, I hope it hurt.

Or...when I threw the cool Easy Rider shirt I gave him into the garbage. That was fun.

I loved him intensely and I grieved him intensely.

Today, 3 years after he left, he is the least relevant in my life than he's ever been. I'd say he comes into my thoughts 15% of each day. Quite a change from the 24/7 I used to experience.

There will be times you will lose your shid and explode. Period.

It doesn't make you the lesser person. How can you be lesser than this crazy ho? YOU can't. She is a sad, sick person.

Seeing the woman who was impregnated by your at-the-time husband...well, let's just say, in my opinion, there are times a person is allowed to lose their shid and unload on someone who treated you and your children so badly. There's value in defending your territory. And, especially with daughter, I think expressing the rage is VITALLY important.

Us girls are far too nice and tend to stuff the ugly stuff...then, we turn on ourselves. You didn't. You directed your anger at the source.

You don't do it everyday and you don't wake up each morning with an agenda to avenge your offenders.

You lost your temper. Dealt with some silly accusations and will get on with things. Your daughter will see the strength in speaking up, losing your temper and moving on.

Far better lesson in my opinion.

In my case, I watched my mother sit back and take years and years of abuse, only to be left by her husband for a secretary and smile...even now...whenever she sees the OW. For the past 25 years, my mother has swallowed the anger. And, my mother is miserable and eats her feelings.

My siblings and I would have given anything to see our mom, even today, call her a bit-- to her face. It would have been so refreshing to see our mom admit to the nasty things she felt and thought about this fairly awful woman. She doesn't. She takes the high road and pretends.

My goal in recovery isn't to become Mother Theresa. Their gonna talk and judge you no matter what you do. They are cra-cra...that's what crazy people do.

In my experience...Give yourself as much distance as you can so you can safely feel what you need to feel without the temptation of putting yourself in a position where situations like Walmart can happen.

Safely Express it. Let it OUT. Move on. Keep it in check when you have to. Don't go to jail.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 12:42 PM

Wow.

Thanks guys. Here's the thing. I actually feel so much better and empowered now. Not that I'm Billy Bad-ass or anything, but that I got in her head.

I wasn't trying to change her thinking. I know that is impossible. I just wanted to embarrass her. She thinks she is perfect and that everyone adores her. That she can do no wrong.

In fact, that was part of xh's robot response. "She didn't do anything. It was me. I did this." Which I totally agreed that HE did this, but she was totally aware he was married with a family. So, if I go out (while in a r myself, with a child), and start a r with a married man with a family I am not accountable for my actions?


I believe totally that she is so in his head. That she BLAMES everything on him, bc she has a lifetime history of being totally unaccountable. Even he said that to me. That she will never get it. That she will always think she is right. She will never admit to doing anything wrong.

With that, I believe she sees me as a threat and has totally gotten in his head about me. Will this support her case? Yup. Do I care? Nope.

Will I do this again? No. I just don't care anymore. It was a blessing! I believe this! I got in her head. She was embarrassed. Yeah, she got another opportunity to be a victim... but she will be for the rest of her life, so what do I care? I know, some of you think I should be embarrassed by my own behavior, but really, I don't care either. Doesn't mean I'm going to act like that all the time, but... it felt good. Maybe just short term? Well, perhaps, but I needed something to move me along... keep me going. This was very eye-opening.

I am so shocked, above everything, you guys, at how messed up he is. It was a few months ago that I told him I needed space. He was a mess then. He kept looking at me to solve his problems, but did not want to be accountable for anything. He just kept saying, "I don't know what I'm doing." It was making me crazy and I knew I needed to step away and let him figure it out. He was a mess.

But it is soooo evident what happened. And I have never seen anything like it. I have read about narcissism. She is a screaming-hot narcissist. To the max. And what they can do to strong, independent people whom they are in a r with is unbelievable. When xh went back there, he was weak, lost, confused, and looking for someone to figure it out for him. Wow. I cannot believe what has happened to him in the past 4 months.

Please understand I am not saying this to take away his accountability. Not at all. I just cant get it out of my mind how.... gone... he is. He seriously could not look at me. He was trying to flee like crazy. He couldn't respond. And when he did look at me, he was dead. Totally dead. And it wasn't like he was passionate about protecting her or anything. Like a robot... without any... umph.

Well, with all of this, I have gained great insight. I still want to avoid them like crazy, don't get me wrong. But, I'm not worried about going anywhere (I don't think... time will tell). I do want them to get the clear picture that I don't care about them. That I don't want to have anything to do with them, but even through actions, there is no way for them to comprehend that. It is their world and they think that's all people are on this planet for... to worry about them. I don't think so.

He is a coward. He does not take into consideration what he does to the three people who have loved him more than anyone else has- ever. He says he's "not going anywhere." Well, that's on him. My poor d. But, we will work it out.

They can blame me all they want for everything, including my children. Even though they tell him, straight-up. Like when he told the kids about the baby and they totally flipped! I wasn't there, nor did I know he was telling them then. He saw their reaction, knows their thoughts (as he says, "I'm a grown man; I can do whatever I want.") And yet, I have put things in their heads.

Somewhere deep down, he knows the truth. It's easier to ignore it. Blame me. Do as he is told. Like a prisoner. Prisoners don't have fun. And for her... if that's what she needs to have a man.... manipulate, lie, scold, threaten, guilt... well, have fun. You've found the right one.


I mean, you guys have freaked me out a little. I will follow up with some people who I know. I will not leave myself open and vulnerable. I do know I could really up the anti, but honestly, I just don't have the energy, time, nor care for their mess. They sukk. They can have their great life. I don't care anymore!

I think that's a really good thing!

I feel like I had more thoughts, but I'm also distracted with other things. If it comes back... I'll be back. cool
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 12:46 PM

P.S. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

She IS a homewrecker. You told the truth. You declared it in the world's best place to make a public declaration, WALMART!

You spoke it. Own it. Don't let them rattle you with their trailer trash reaction.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 12:50 PM

hahahaha!!! Heather! Best advice I've gotten? "Don't go to jail."
Posted By: beatrice

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:01 PM

Mighty the people who told you to document, and get the evidence are sadly, spot on. Please do not ignore them. You need to protect yourself against a couple of unstable people. Otherwise it is 'he said' 'she said'.

The other point is that you are very very much in their minds. This would not have happened if she felt secure, and your xh felt guiltless. They would have thought it was unfortunate, and done nothing more. Look at behaviours. They do not lie. They over-reacted big time. Why???

I am not suggesting you necessarily get a restraining order, but I would document, get the facts, (like the security tape) Get it straight with the police, and keep your information close. I hope you don't need it, but if anything else happens you may.

In my experience they think about and obsess about us The happier we are, the more we cut them out of ourlives, the less they like it. They are messed up and they not only want, but need us to be part of their drama.


Jerry Springer does not make these people up. I wish he did!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:08 PM

Heather, that cracks me up! I knew it was imperative that I add that this was all going down at Walmart!

Oh, and my daughter... she has struggled big time. And your post really had me thinking bout that and her. She is so angry. But that is so far from her natural personality. And her natural personality is so HUGE! She has big, giant personality. She is fun, silly, hilarious, smart, honest, considerate. She is the life of the party. She is always singing, dancing, being silly, putting on a show, joking around. She is just so much fun to be around (most of the time... she still is 14... haha).

My point is... this hurt and anger... it is a totally new concept for her and so outside of what she knows. She is not push over. She stands up for people at school all the time. Because she care about others' well being. That's who she is.

She can't stand hww. But, it is difficult for her, bc she has been raised to be respectful. Even saying things recently that she has to her dad... she was nervous about bc she is not a disrespectful person. When she told me what she texted him, I just informed her that it's ok to express her feelings. I have always told her to be respectful about it, and... she loves her dad.

I know she wants to go off on hww. She is so hurt and betrayed. He is with his other daughter. After he looked d14 in the eyes and said he would never go back. He went back as soon as his daughter was born. I know she feels like he left her this time for a different daughter. It's so sick. I feel so badly for her.

Maybe what I did wasn't the classiest. But, I let him back into my house after what he did to us. We believed his lies. And he did it again. I really struggled with what to do about xh. Should I show my d that you don't let someone do that to you. Or that it's important to work to repair a family. It was tough. And for him to do it again... ouch.

I am not sure I know what the answer is. Inside I go 10million different directions. But, I knew when I saw her.... I knew I wasn't going to just strut by. And yeah.... I had thought of MANY things I wanted to say. But, I think I kept it pretty simple... after all... I had d14 with me!

And I truly believe that this was one of those things that happened for a reason. You know, through this, you get those moments. Just the timing of how things have gone down. I don't know. God sent me to WALMART! Could I have done that at Neiman Marcus? Aaaahhhh....... who am I kiddin????
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:17 PM

I called walmart. I have to go through the police to get a copy of the video. I will go the the police. I am so annoyed that this is my life.
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:22 PM

Ok. So how can you protect yourself and the kids from this escalating?

Keep it simple...

What does your gut say?

From the posts above, seems like the consensus is to document what really went down. What if you were to contact the police and ask them to request the Walmart tape to go on record. It would establish who got their first and it would show you weren't confronting her in person, but through the car.

Could you call today and set that in motion?
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:23 PM

You are amazing Mighty!!!

Just protect you and the kids, move on :-)
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 01:48 PM

I called my brother. We are going tomorrow or Monday to the sheriffs office. I am so annoyed. And I can tell you- if xh wants the kids of death in his r with the kids, it's by letting HWW try to go after me. I'm all they have left. That will not fly for them. He does not even see anything outside of hww's crazy.

Ugh!!!! How did I get here?! F'ing HOMEWRECKER and coward they are.
Posted By: Lifes Twists

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 02:08 PM

Hi Mighty,

I not trying to be an alarmist. I just learned a lot from when the police were involved so much in my situation at the beginning of my adventure. My ex even got my oldest at the time to file for a restraining order. It was hard to sit in the court house and listen to the lies. this included a letter from daughters counselor that was filled with lies and innuendo. The OW in your situation sounds nutty enough to need to take steps immediately to shut her down. Your ex sounds so off the wall that he will lie for her and create a fictional situation that will be your word against his.

I thought my word against her word would not hold up in court. I was very surprised when it almost did. I was shocked at the comments made to me by the court in regards to a totally fictional situation. So my advice is do what you feel necessary to shut her and this down before it gets really out of hand.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 02:51 PM

Mighty, honestly, I could not care less about him or her. I care about you.

Please do not misunderstand me. I get why you said it. I get that it felt good. I am glad if it moves you forward in some way.

My concern is that you think you took back your power, when you really gave it to her.

And that keeps you in all of this...because now you have all of this cr@p to deal with.

Listen, I understand completey your feelings. I really do. But you didnt get in her head the way you think you did. She isnt thinking ...oh man, I am a homewrecker. She is thinking..oh man, now I know why he left her. It isnt true. Not at all..but thats the spin she is taking. Trust me on that.

When I ran into my xh's ow..you can be sure I paid her as$ no mind. It drove her craaaaaazzzzy. I walked with my head held high and looked at her like she was the dirt on the bottom of my shoe...cuz she was.

She even said to my xh at one point, "Man, Ur looks so confident and happy." And THAT made my day because she wasnt getting one freakin ounce more of me.

Sweetie, you said what you did. You cant unsay it. I get why you did. If it helps you, great.

But you are still so far in their heads, that I worry about you. I know it hurts deep. I am so sorry it does.

I hope all goes well with this.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 03:54 PM

I hear ya, uR. But, I think you are misunderstanding me. I don't think at all she would EVER consider herself anything but perfect. And I know there is nothing I could say or do. She is a phony. A fraud. She lives a lie. She lies to herself and everyone. I just did it to take a bit of her perfection. She is the type who is such a victim and ugh?! How dare she say that. And anytime she cries victim, and has to say what I did, she is saying "she called me a homewrecker." Which, although she does not see it, she has to say it. It wasn't all that thought out, mind you.

But, at the end of the day, I am me. I have grown a lot in the sense... she was able to walk into the store and out of it.

And...

add to her continued ability to walk

... me.... the muther ...... of truck driver's mouth.... did not even curse!

She didn't get my power. F her. I could seriously care less. I feel fine, and I wouldn't unsay it. I said what I felt, and I am glad I did.

If I allow her to really "build a case" against me, ok... then she is taking my power. It's not going to happen. I will be very careful. But really, I just want her off my radar.

And the scary part I have felt... seeing her... well guess what? I did. And I'm OK. And I know what I am dealing with. I can smile big at this chick next time. She's got nuttin.

And I don't bother them. So they can waste all the time they want worried about me, threatened by me, talking about me. At the end of the day... is that why he left me? Who cares? He did!
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/23/15 10:23 PM

Mighty, I am going to push you here because you are too important not to.

I understand completely what you did and why you did it. While our circumstances are different in some ways, I know the pain this has brought you. I know it because I have felt it to my very core.

I dont want you to have to feel it one minute longer than you have to.

Everytime you give that litany of things about her that you do...you are thinking about her. Everytime you tell this story to someone...you are thinking about her.

The truth is that deep down you want them to realize the hurt they have caused.

I remember when I went to my therapist and I told her, "I keep telling my h everything he is doing to me and he never apologizes." She looked at me and said, "That's because you are talking to a rock. You are talking to someone who is broken. Who has checked out. Someone who cannot hear what you are saying. It is the equivalent to talking to a rock."

And after she said that, I got it.
Originally Posted By: Mighty
. I just did it to take a bit of her perfection. She is the type who is such a victim and ugh?! How dare she say that. And anytime she cries victim, and has to say what I did, she is saying "she called me a homewrecker." Which, although she does not see it, she has to say it.


You see that there...^^^..I want you to get to a point where it doesnt matter what she has to say or not say. Where it doesnt matter who she is or isnt. Thats what I want for you. Because when that day comes, my friend, it will be the day you have taken your life back. It will be the day when you realize that what they did has not stopped you from making an amazing life.

And please understand, this is not about what you said. Not really.

They did what they did. There isnt anything you can say or do to make them feel sorry for doing it.

People like her, dont get it, M. They dont care.

So, if this will now allow you to not worry about running into them. Great. If it empowered you. Great. If all of that is true...then you are on your way to letting go.

The world is waiting for you, Mighty. The way to it is not by looking over your shoulder, but, by looking straight ahead.
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/24/15 03:08 AM

Ur,

I don't hear Mighty saying she did this in order to force them to "get it."

I hear more of a situation where Mighty was surprised by the presence of someone who has done her and her children some great harm. She snapped for a moment and got on with life.

We ALL want to be in a place where they don't matter. Where they are small blips on the radar and don't impact our existence one way or the other...but, in my opinion, it takes some time and recovery to get there...I don't think this is something you can will yourself into a stage ahead of where you are.

I think it's setting a pretty unrealistic bar, at this stage, for Mighty to NOT respond upon seeing this woman for first time since the baby was born...especially in light of the possible marital reunion before the baby was born...not to mention the fact they live in new family bliss around the corner...AND, Mighty is dealing with raising two really angry teens. I just don't think it's realistic to expect someone to be calm, cool and collected. Frankly, I think it would be a little weird had she not lost her composure.

Honestly, I'm not sure Jesus Himself would have the fortitude to keep these feelings inside.

Everyone gets there by taking their own path. That's kinda the point of this journey, isn't it? To fearlessly forge ahead and create a life that works. Maybe this episode at Walmart was part of Mighty's path.

It's all a part of the process...even the ugly parts. It just is.

I mean, Mighty coulda stifled it. She coulda held it inside, but the feelings would still be there until they aren't.

Personally, I think Mighty is capable of figuring out --with her clearly bright mind --that she doesn't want to reenact Jerry Springer in the Walmart parking lot again.

I think it's amazing that you were able to turn the other cheek. I think it's awesome the OW, in your case, was really vexed and saw you as the confident, together chick that you are.

But, at the same time, it sounds like you put a lot of energy into being that calm, collected person. Was that for the OW's benefit or yours? Was that to look the part of calm? When your insides were churning?

I can't imagine there wasn't a time when you didn't have churning insides.

I think we all want to achieve the same goal, but we may go about it in a very personal, unique way. Forcing yourself to be at a different stage of the game can do a lot of damage if you ask me.

There's more than one way to skin a skank.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/24/15 03:10 AM

Hey, uR! Guess what?! I totally get it. I completely understand what you are saying. In fact, I agree.

The thing is, I am one of those who... well, I know "learns the hard way" for sure, but in this instance... learns for myself??

What I mean is, well, actually... remember when I said recently that logically, I understand things, but feel differently emotionally?

This is exactly it! And, until I address things emotionally, I cannot catch up to the logical. This is an interesting concept I have learned about myself. It probably seems crazy to anyone trying to comprehend.

But, truthfully, DB goes against the grain for me. But I did it. Pretty much, right from the get-go. I know I had setbacks, but I pretty much went to LRT. Now, this was all logically thinking, and sometimes my emotions would have to catch up.

This here is a perfect example. I would have never really been able to move forward without letting some of... my personality.. my emotions... be known.

I don't regret it.

I don't have a desire to do it again.

I feel so free.

I prayed and prayed to be free. It was soooo scary for me to want to be over him. I wanted the truth for a long time, but I still hid from some of it.

Had this not happened, I wouldn't have confronted xh. Had that not happened, everything would still be a mystery. Difficult to let go bc I was still holding onto his last words to me.

Maybe not holding onto them, but they were still in my head. So, I have seen something, for the first time, up-close and personal, which is so different.

And ya know what, I know had I heard and seen this a year ago, even with the knowledge of the nuke... I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

But now, I've processed... and I feel so free.

Yeah, maybe it's a cycle... but it is the most free I've felt in... well... ever.

I cried a little this morning. And now, it seems so remote. I know there will be more. I'm not that naïve.

But truthfully, right now, I feel exactly where you said you want me to be. I just don't care. I feel like I had to do that. I don't know why. It was a little bit of me, the real me, in a kiss off to them. The real me... mixed with the new me.

I don't feel afraid. I don't feel scared. I don't feel worried about running into her.

Them... may still be difficult, however... I'm not as intimidated as I was. And I know that is HUGE progress.

I know what you want for me, uR. I love that you do. That you care and take the time to help me with it and see the bigger picture. And I am so excited to realize I am headed there! I just had to add a little bit of me in the process.

So many people here have taken time to really help and support me, and I can't tell you all how much I appreciate it. It is unity that you don't find many places. I am so incredibly humbled by the fact that so many of you will take time out of your day to help me get through the toughest part of the day. Even when I don't always have the fortitude to do the same.

Sometimes during this process, it can be so exhausting, that it is incredibly difficult to post to others. I have been up and down. Sometimes I am at such a low that it is so heartbreaking for me to read the pain others are going through bc I know how difficult it is. So, my point is, that I am so incredibly thankful to those of you who have stuck by me, supported me, chimed in, made me laugh, made me cry, held me accountable, and been a magnificent friend.

This has been one hell of a journey. I know that I have a loooong way to go to be half of who I should be. But I do feel that I have gotten over another obstacle.

I feel such relief.

I am not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but I know I hope it continues!

Oh, and something that may be a little irrelevant at this point, but part of this crazy-train journey I've had the past two weeks...

At the beginning of the week I had a couple of thoughts.

One, I was looking at xh from afar. I questioned if it was actually him I miss... but rather us. I think us... or we... together were way better than what I would see as him independently. That probably makes no sense. I feel badly saying that, bc I do think he WAS a good person, but looking at him now, I don't think I am really missing anything. Just more hurt.

The other thing is that I have been so silent to him (prior to the week's drama) and I was thinking about why I respond to nothing...

I think bc I was afraid that there would only be two responses: one- either I would be so emotional and let it all out (kind of like I ended up doing??????!!!!!!) or two- because I would be friendly and fall right into my "role" and supply him with whatever he wanted/needed. With words, actions... whatever... just automatically trust him! Isn't that weird? I feel like talking to him is like a trance... I would give him whatever information he would ask for!

And thinking about how I confronted him, and in the manner I did at d14's game... was SOOOOO out of character from our dynamic- ever... he was caught WAY off guard. In fact, he was totally dumbfounded and speechless and blubbery when I approached him initially.

And honestly, I love it. I love that he know he cannot control my actions anymore!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/24/15 03:29 AM

Thanks, Heather. Ummm... first... "skin a skank" may be the best.

However, there is "the Walmart episode" in which you referred... and I love whole heartedly.

Hmmmm... we must have been on the same wavelength... but you hit the humor, in which I love.

That's how I feel. I just did what I did... don't want to stay a lifetime in the Walmart parking lot. But, I'm really OK with it...

and hope that I am reaching the point of strutting my stuff...

and giving the middle-finger, metaphorically, with a great big smile!
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/24/15 03:39 AM

Go watch Gracie and Frankie. You'll laugh. You'll cry.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/24/15 04:11 AM

Truly glad you feel as you do, M.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/26/15 10:46 PM

I think I am grown.... I hope so... Little Engine that Could.... I think I can... I think I can...

I feel that the "Walmart Incident" was supposed to happen. I have felt some real growth from that.

I'm glad it happened, bc it brought such clarity to me. I was able to have an interaction with xh. Wow. That was... something!

As job mentioned on bright's post about "Psychopath Free" it just happened that I came across this info last week. Wow. I've got two I'm dealing with. I mean... really.

But, perhaps, last week was a send off of sorts to part of the old Mighty.

I don't find it necessary again.

They are so low, pathetic, selfish... and I TRULY want NOTHING to do with them.

She feeds off the drama. Loves it. I do not want to be a source of that for her. As long as they keep their focus of loathing on me... they will never look at themselves. and they will feel justified in doing so.

I get it, uR. I knew it logically. But, you know me... logically and emotionally don't always run parallel.

I mean... I really get it... and FEEL it now too.

I wouldn't have truly gotten it had it not happened.

I can move on, and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I am working on getting over my fears.

Accepting EVERYTHING! It will take me a little while. But, it seems more obtainable now. For a long time, I just didn't know how to even do it, or even, where to begin.

I feel a little more settled. Lots still happening inside, but I just feel stronger.

She may think she "won." She may think that she shut me down. I honestly do not care. At all. I want to just laugh at her. I wish I could have walked over to xh at the game and laughed about it and carried on.

I wasn't there yet.

But, I think I am so much closer to it now.

Some "setbacks" end up being step-ups!

And, I say that may be a kiss off to the old Mighty, bc if I can carry on like nothing now when dealing with them... I don't think anything will send me to that place again.

Still dealing with other life issues. Don't know if I shared my breaks went last week on my way to d14 game. Squeaking as I was driving like crazy.

Today on my way, the under part of my bumper started dragging down the highway. I had to turn around and go back home.

And it's only 2 years old.

Paid a contractor $$$ to work on kitchen. He worked a week and it ran out. Gulp. Still no sink. Electrical, insulation, dry wall. Done! Yes!

But, I still need the rest....

Hey, look... it has been a tough road. Everyday has been a challenge. Not complaining. But, it has enabled me to appreciate very minute things... like peace. The lawnmower starting. Sunshine. Smiling kids. A great meal. A compliment. Laughter.

Just to name a few.

Gotta go pick up d14... just got back from the game.

Lets see if we make it back in one piece...

Cheers!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/26/15 11:36 PM

I am such a blonde.,,,

Should say... I think I HAVE grown. Don't rush and type. Could be a disasterous combination.
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/27/15 02:39 AM

Mighty, I just want for you to be ok...and we all get there in our own way. So if that was what you needed...I am behind you, my friend.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/27/15 04:01 AM

Thanks, uR. I appreciate your support. I wish I didn't act like that. But, it's what I know.... Dialed waaaaaay down.

But I get it now and why I just don't need to anymore. I would have held it in me, I believe, for a long time if I just hadnt.

Moving on.

It's feels good to do that. Still fighting with some anger about it, a little, if I'm honest, but overall... I gained more for personal growth.
Posted By: beatrice

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/27/15 05:49 AM

They say the longest journey is from the head to the heart.

Don't beat yourself out about a well deserved rant - you didn't lay about her car with a tire wrench (or her for that matter)!
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/27/15 02:06 PM

OR, wield the tire wrench to her head! :-)

Let it go Mighty. It is done. There's no perfect path outta hell. Sometimes it's messy and ugly.

This process always reminds me of childbirth. Pushed to the breaking point with pain, it's natural to lash out.

Childbirth is painful, but it doesn't last forever. This too shall pass.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/30/15 03:30 AM

Whoa... bea... that is so right on... hardest struggle... from head to the heart. For sure.

Thanks for... reminding me that I'm human. I feel like I have stifled so many emotions with the process. And, unfortunately, I seem to let them out at the wrong time. It's been more like a process of what should be rather than what is. However, I do appreciate the growth it's given me. Insight. All that good stuff, but I have to allow myself to... be... too.

Yeah, Heather... I know exactly what part of the head! And... I keeeeeeeeeeeeep pushing!

Seems like a very bipolar experience... not to be insensitive... just... is. I mean, so up and down, when you least expect it.

I am good. I feel soooooo far from xh. I mean, like, so distant. I know for sure, I just don't want him.

I don't feel as sad about it. I see him for who he is now. That's sad... the reality.

But, he has hurt me so deeply, and he didn't have to. But, I realize how much better off I am. Without the lies, drama, hurt... choices...

I am so ready for my new life. Whatever it is.

I see why people get to this point and don't post much... it's like.. you are doing well, with several downers, but, what else is new? I feel crazier more than anything... if I post it all... which I tend to often do. I mean, it's so all over... progressively better, with several upsets. But, I think that's normal for abnormal.

I just really feel so separate and for the first time... I just really, truly want to move on. I still have to fully swallow that. Pray for it, but I know I want it.

Had another crazy sitch getting to d14 lax game... but it's like, seriously?? at this point.

Interactions w/ xh and kids... I just don't want to know. I just want total silence. I don't know if anyone else feels like that ever...

I also realize that there is nothing I can say or do...

I know I can't make anyone *realize* anything. I throw in the towel with that. If xh ever says anything, I may just say, "Yes. you are right." and walk away. I just can't do any other thing...

Next two months are totally jam-packed. Lots going on... good things, stressful things, and just... stuff.

I just want to get my house together. That's a priority. And celebrate s18's graduation.

Things are good. Things are OK. Lots to stress... but what's the point? Lots to enjoy.

Thanks to all of you for the support. I still come here.... because... honestly... I still need it.
Posted By: beatrice

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/30/15 05:12 AM

Mighty, this is a long process - the healing. I have been thinking about the Walmart incident and in a way it illustrates what we are dealing with in a nutshell. In the case of OW a damaged and entitled person, who has the mad idea that if she wants something that makes it OK . . . they both are and are not affected by us. They do feel bad, and they feel bad about feeling bad because they are'entitled' right? Urworthy is correct - nothing we say will change what they do, but her reaction was not that of someone who could rise above what what you said to her.

On the contrary it hit home, and fed the drama. And in general it is preferable to starve the drama, but once in a while it doesn't do any harm to rock the boat!

You have a glimpse, if you choose to take it, to see just how unsafe she really feels in this situation. Your xh has already left her once to return to you. You are everything she isn't, and she knows it.

I think MLCers and their chosen companions are emotional idiots. The Good Lord help that child. Your children will be OK - bruised and hurt but not fundamentally damaged, because they can see that what their father did was neither normal nor healthy for him and those around him.


I know you want it to get better, but accept that healing from anything takes time. All I can say that the hurt releases its grip
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/30/15 12:33 PM

Mighty, you say you still come here like its a bad thing. We are like family here...pushing when needed, holding hands when that is needed, too.

You know, I have told you from early on that you are so hard on yourself. This is a life altering thing. The things we believed in, the family we cherished, the person we thought we could count on...changes seemingly overnight.

That causes us to lose our footing....where all we could do at first is try to hold on.

Takes time to find our balance. It takes a long time, M. We have to go through the stages of grief. We have to figure out who we are now that we arent part of a marriage.

The truth is, that if all of that is done too quickly, we dont learn what we need to learn.

So, my friend, you are starting to grow you back. You are seeing what you are made of. You are coming to terms with all the craziness that has transpired.

You know when you were a kid and you wanted to jump over a big puddle? You backed way up in order to get a running start.

Thats what you are doing, M. I can feel it.

Dont rush the process, though. Allow it to unfold as it should.

And dont forget, along the way, to see how much you've grown.

Mighty, I know this is devastating to you. You arent going to get over it quickly. There will continue to be fits and starts.

But I will tell you this from where I sit...you are an amazing woman, full of life and love and heart. If you werent, this wouldnt have touched you as profoudly as it did.

I know its hard to see life as it is now. It wont always be..I promise you that.

It will get easier to see him. Your children will be ok. And you will one day have the life you deserve. Hold onto that, my friend.
Posted By: beatrice

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/30/15 01:08 PM

Quote:
The truth is, that if all of that is done too quickly, we dont learn what we need to learn.


Ain't that the truth tho'
Posted By: LoisB

Re: The Beat Goes On - 05/30/15 02:20 PM

Mighty,

I learned this cool exercise some months back and it really helps me...especially when I'm feeling down and discouraged.

I imagine my life as I want it to be. Starting with where I live seems to work best...I imagine the view, the furniture, day-to-day life, type of job, friends, etc...

The girls and I will sometimes take poster board and create collages of what we want. I just did another one a few weeks and I was really surprised with the images.

Anyway, then, and this is the most important part, I think of HOW I'm going to get to this reality. What steps do I have to take to get THERE from HERE? Think specific steps.

It's helped me see, even in the worst of times, that I have Choices. It also reminds me of what an exciting time this is...minus the pain...because I have a chance to reinvent myself. Had Matt stayed, I would have missed this chance.

I met a woman yesterday who has 7 kids. She couldn't afford to keep them all clothed. So, she took some recycled sweaters and created mittens for them. At a hockey game, another mom noticed the mittens and asked where to get them...Long story short, this woman now has her mittens and hats in 40 stores across the Adirondacks. She isn't making billions, but she took a good idea and made it a source of income.

Whenever I shared stuff like with Matt, he would always scoff and point out the negative. HOW blessed am I to NOT have someone in my life anymore so narrowminded. :-)
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/01/15 04:10 AM

bea... yes! I love your post. That's exactly how I feel...


I rocked the boat... a little. This skank feels so entitled and perfect. And.. so I called her out. Does it mean anything. Probably, in the grand scheme... no... however.. she is so used to everyone going alone with her.. crazy. It felt good to put her out there.

But now.. you called it.. starve the drama! That is so right on. I am so far from the drama at this point.

I can see clearly now...

It feels really good.

How many degrees of separation?? Who knows, but the more, the better!

uR, thank you, thank you! The puddle jumping analogy.. brought the biggest grin to my face! I love that! It is such a great analogy of what I am feeling. And right now... before I looked at it.. I feel as if I jumped a great hurdle.

I can't explain it any differently, so I know you are feeling me, uR. I have jumped a MAJOR hurdle!

I am sooo far away from it.

Well, more than I have been. So, I know it's progress.

I think of things differently. Back and forth.. but, I my thinking has evolved.

I feel so badly for people who have to really deal with younger children. Kids who have no say. Whom they have to give up to the op. Who they have to send to the mlc'er w/o the kids realizing the difference.

I just can't imagine sending my kids into that type of situation...

My kids are doing really well. That drives me. I just want to do so well for them.

That's the bottom line.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/01/15 04:15 AM

Heather,

That's such a good idea for me. Probably exactly what I need! Some visuals of what I need in my life.... what I want! I live it. I am so going to do it. I have some ideas to start... but cant wait to see how it turns out!

Thank you!
Posted By: uRworthy

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/11/15 11:59 AM

Hey sweetie....how are you doing?
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 02:14 PM

Hi guys! Hope you all are well. Things in Mighty World are A-OKey.

Nothing too eventful. Which is great. However, things have progressively changed. My life is so different. Not that it's different, but how I feel in my life is different. Xh is not longer a primary thought. Secondary, perhaps.

What I've noticed... he isn't the first think I think about when I wake up in the morning. That is such an amazing feeling. After a year and a half, of overwhelming, consuming thoughts of him... they are finally changing gears.

What I've also realized about this, is that they aren't replaced by someone else. I know that seems silly, and you all know I wouldn't jump into anything like that. But, it is a good indicator that life can be fine without that. That I'm going to be OK. I didn't need to resort to fulfilling the void with someone else.

Let's be honest, though. So, maybe sometimes he is the second thought I have when I wake up. But, I still acknowledge that it wasn't the burning burden weighing on my mind, seemingly uncontrollably.

Kids are well. S18 had his FINAL day of HS this week. YIKES! Spend a few days alone at the house, and it was still intact at my arrival. I know he had some fun, but he was responsible. And I think the "freedom" and responsibility did him some good.

D14 is also doing well. She was away and missed Moving Up Night at school. Her friends texted her that she had won 3 Presidential awards. The top honors at her school. I was bummed we missed it, but so proud of her. She is such a well-rounded young lady. And, she is so much fun to be around. I hope this situation does not come out in negative ways at some point. I worry. But, I hope it give her experience (unwanted) to give her more strength and wisdom.

When we were on a boat the other day, she said, out of nowhere, "Mom, can I show you something?" I said sure. She said that she was thinking the other day about what it must me like for me. Then, what it must be like for women who go through a divorce, and she wrote something.

She pulled out her phone and had written a poem on her phone. I gasped at every stanza. She put it into words... exactly what it feels like. I couldn't believe it. She is quite insightful. And here she is... this girl of mine, who never ceases to amaze me. She doesn't say much, usually, about THESE things (she is never quiet outside of that!), but when she does, it is well thought out and spot on. She has great perspective, a good heart, and such strength.

Maybe she will let me share sometime, but I wouldn't without her permission.

As far as xh. Still no contact. He hasn't tried to reach out since hww went to cops. S18 still hasn't communicated, and says he is "firm" he doesn't want his dad at his graduation (it actually made me emotional... I didn't mean to be and was surprised. I just can't believe the way things have turned out. And it breaks my heart.. he wouldn't want his dad there. I get it. Totally. But, it's just not who we WERE. So it's just sad.)

Anyway, d14 finally responded to xh last weekend. She hadn't for a little while, then her phone broke again (yes, again) and so when she did text him, she said her phone was broke. He said he though she was mad at him. She just said please don't text me all the time. It's hard for her to really say things to him, like she was upset, but it is for any kid. And, she does, but I think she just realizes it does no good- he doesn't get it. She is frustrated. Hurt.

So, I don't think she texted him all week. But, she did notice he stopped trying after awhile (when she got her phone back). But now he is starting to get aggressive with it. I don't really know everything. I never ask. I cringe when she tells me. Knowing that stuff makes me spin a little, so I prefer to act like he doesn't exist.

But the other day he asked her if she wanted to go to his mom's with him. That sent me spinning just a little. I don't know if she responded. Like I said, I don't ask. Then, yesterday, he called her. She showed me the phone to show me it was him. I noticed she has him in by his name and not "Dad". A little while later she showed me a text (we were around a lot of people, so she didn't want to 'say' it.) She had texted him that she couldn't talk now. He responded, "What do you mean you can't talk? I am your father..."
She responded with something, I think, but I stopped reading. I just shake my head. Respect is a two way street. And for months, when I tried to teach my kids to still be respectful to him and encourage a r, he continued to hurt them. And after the last time when he bailed again, it was terrible what he did to her. He lied to her, tried to manipulate her, guilt her about the baby. Ick. I just stay out of it. D14 has a pretty strong backbone. I worry bc she does not like to hurt people. She sticks up for others, but sometimes its harder to stick up for ourselves. She has to figure this out, though. As long as she knows she can talk to me, I feel good about it (as good as I can). If she is seeking help, I address it as if it were anyone she were dealing with, with respect to the fact that it is her father. I take my emotion out of it when she wants feedback. Which, I don't really give, other than to be honest with herself. Don't do anything you will regret. That generic, but good stuff.

I know he blames me. I don't care.

I don't care about anything they do. The only thing is, I just wish they didn't live here. I can't change that. So, I will just continue to push through.

Part II coming up!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 02:33 PM

OK, Part II

For me, things have been improving at a good rate. I have been doing things all the time. I still continue to meet so many people. I have made some new friends, who I know I will continue to spend time with. Good people. Good times.

I also find that I do stuff I would have probably passed on. I just go for it now.

I am enjoying doing things on my house again. Home improvements and gardening were always things I loved. I lost it for awhile. Getting it back. Kitchen is painted, but the contractor does not know when he will come back. Sometime this month....grrrr....

I like being single now. I do miss companionship. But, I just like the freedom. My kids are super supportive of me going out and having fun. They always encourage it. And, they would be super happy if I met someone.

Oh, I forgot to add above... s18 is really missing the "male role model" in his life. He and xh were very close and did a lot of things together. This is really hard on 18. I can see him still seeking that. I feel badly and wish I could help. I spoke with my brother about it.

D14 and I spent a few days this week in Boston and Plymouth. We had a great time. We went with ~95 kids and parents. Sounds crazy, but things actually went very smoothly. We did lots of cool things and d14 and I spent every second together! And it was great!

My dad fell off the wagon. But, hopefully he had enough of a wake up call to get back on track. When it happened, I told my mom that I just couldn't deal with it. And for the first time, I had the "flight" feelings when it came to that. I just needed to remove myself from any more "stuff." Yet, it broke my heart, and we are close, but I just can't deal with it. Also, I can't have my kids see that. And I knew it would crush my s, who couldn't see another adult male in his life fall apart. I think my mom shared that with my dad after he realized what he had done.

Ironically, my parents came up the next day (it happened on my moms birthday... well it was like a two-day event. Ick.), as they went to dinner for a belated bday dinner, and had to go to Home Depot. My dad took s18 to HD to help load some wood. While there, s18 told my dad that he is now the person in his life that he looks up to (s18 had no what had just gone on with my dad). I think that was probably the biggest wake up call for my dad. At least, I hope!

And I know my mom won't put up with it again. Ugh.

But, I am optimistic and hopeful that everything will be fine.

Have some extra summer jobs lined up. Looking for maybe one more. I need some $$ for kitchen (LOTS for kitchen... gulp), among other home improvements, along with the $3K for a/c debacle I was stuck with. College in the fall... and I use the summer money towards Christmas and vacation. Hopefully we will have those this year! Ha!

I think and pray for you guys. Hope you all are doing well. There is way out of this. Dare I say... the grass is greener?? Ha... we will see.
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 02:42 PM

Oh, I'm just not done yet!

While traveling to Boston, a few hours from home, we passed a college campus. This is a college I was to attend after HS. I was on to be on the field hockey team, had my schedule, my books, a lease on a house.....

then an ultimatum.

Can you guess what it was? What do you think I chose?

Anyway, it was interesting driving past it at this point in my life. I don't have regrets. And my brain doesn't really think in "What ifs?". However, it made me think more along the lines of what I was willing to do for my r. And how, it was never really reciprocated. It was never about me. Until now.

Sidebar... a couple of things I have noticed. I love being able to find my way. It can be super tough. Gut-wrenching, at times. Really put you through it. But I know, that, when met with a challenge, I can get through it... because I have already proved that to myself. And what other option is there?

Also, I have much more compassion for others.

This really, really is an experience... that... man... I don't know... how to explain.... other than...

God wakes you up.
Posted By: beatrice

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 03:05 PM

Quote:
But, it's just not who we WERE


Yes, that puts it so very well . . . but you are doing great. There are so many people here I admire for getting themselves together, keeping their family going and being generally amazing.

Individually and together we can take on the world!!
Posted By: BrightFuture

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 09:51 PM

Mighty, I am so happy that you are making such a great progress, meeting people, making new friends, enjoying doing things. It took me a lot longer, almost 3 years until I started to look forward to do some yard work, some home repairs. I did it before, but I had to force myself to do it. I still have moments like that, but it is getting much, much better.

I hope your Dad had a realization that your son is looking up to him now, and I hope your son truly find a male role model in your Dad. I can relate… My son was older when H left, but I still think that it affected him in a way… He lost another male figure who he thought would be there for him, considering that his biological father (my first x) was barely in contact.

And your daughter doesn’t stop to amaze me. It is very special gift to understand what other people are going through, especially in her age. You are very fortunate to have kids like that. Not surprising though, they have the greatest Mom smile .

Have a great weekend!
Posted By: Mighty

Re: The Beat Goes On - 06/13/15 11:06 PM

Hi bea! You are darn right, I am convinced we CAN take on the world. I am so inspired by you and so many who have paved the way for us learners!

Bright, that was sooo sweet. What a nice post. Thank you. And I know your son is doing so well now, because he has seen your strength through trials. You and others help give me strength, and I so appreciate it. Even when just a simple "Hi, Mighty." Its good to know others care. Just know, I think of you!

I think I will start a new thread in a bit...
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