...with all the bricks they threw at me.
Deep cleansing breath.
I had a really nice day yesterday. Took a wonderful walk with my dog.
Watched some management vids with a really no-nonsense/no-excuses type of manager and I learned a lot.
Drove around and looked at the pretty countryside and some fixer-uppers with D12. We took the drive around sunset. The sunsets around here are simply breathtaking.
Slept in this morning and awoke to D12 cleaning up the downstairs and doing laundry and making me a cup of coffee. What a kid?! Still, this kid needs some friends pronto. I'm cool with her helping and I know she loves to clean...but, she needs more. So do I. :-)
Opened an account on Mint.com which will help me get a handle on where my money needs to go and what sorta budget will work to get things whittled down. D12 is dead-set against moving again...I explained to her that we can stay where we are, but it may mean renting D20's room and my writing lots more which won't leave much time for fun. I told her, calmly, we need to come up with a plan as a team in order to bring things under control and reduce some of this stress on me...which, indirectly, stresses her.
She gets it.
Still tossing around options with extra income, possibility of moving, asking the landlord to adjust the rent, etc...
Fort Drum's talk of downsizing is reducing rents like a tidal wave around here. Things are suddenly becoming much more affordable.
In the village where I work, there were three dinner events this weekend, a bake sale, another church event, etc...I'm seeing how, if I lived closer, these are events where I could kill two birds with one stone and deepen the friendships I've made, plus give D12 a chance to meet more people.
There's an old house across the street from my office that's for rent. Owned by a slum landlord though...not sure about this...
The thing is...as much as I love the views of the Adirondacks and the beauty of the village where we live...people are really beginning to love me in the village where I write the newspaper.
There's this one property available which has an old schoolhouse and a mobile home. The mortgage, including taxes and insurance, would come to around $500 per month--this is with approx. $20k allotted for initial improvements to make things comfortable for us. This would give me the opportunity to gradually fix up the old school house in order to rent it out as a snowmobile camp or summer rental, while paying down some debt.
Matt and I used to go around and restore old apartments in Akron and we restored the home we lived in for 20 years--with my doing a lot of the work towards the end.
Now, that I don't have the pressure of the other publication looming over my head...I'm feeling a bit freer.
Just thinking here. Please don't pop any balloons today. This is the first time in months that I've felt excited again about being in NY and enjoying my life on MY terms.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud and I'm feeling some excitement about living again. Thinking about things that drive my passion like restoring old homes and history and all sorts of things. Life is good today.
Releasing some of that stress yesterday made a big difference. I've been carrying a lot of tension. It needs to go somewhere. Got out my yoga book yesterday. Did a few poses.
Have to get down to the business of writing today. Plan on writing a bit and taking a break...
Goals:
1. Use this job as a stepping stone to something else even better. Or, add some of my dream writing to the mix like children's books. Continue to network in the areas that fill me with passion.
2. Put my finances in order so I feel some peace, serenity and pride where money is concerned.
3. Help get D12 back on a level playing ground with everyone else her age (socially, academically, emotionally)--with 1-2 good friends.
4. Continue to rise above the past 3 years in a way that works for me--rise above in a manner that makes my life fairly awesome and much, much better than what I left.
5. Create a sound support system of 3 close friends here and in Ohio.
Last Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2561150&page=1
You sound great, Heather. Pondering, dreaming, thinking... happily. With enthusiasm and excitement. That's always fun and motivating.
What a nice surprise this morning w d12! I love those moments.
Aahh.... and those sunsets. I hope you get a chance this summer to drive a little further north and watch them over the river. Those are the best. My grandpa, who lived on the good ol' St. Lawrence watched them every night and said there was nothing like it. They are amazing.
Glad you were able to release some tension. Sometimes... ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Cathartic.
Keep on truckin, girl. You are finding your place. That's exciting to see.
No balloon popping from me, Heather.
Thinking about options is never a bad thing. Thinkin about what drives your passion sure aint either.
Keep going, sweetie. I am rooting for you.
Thanks Guys!!
Added more info to my Mint.com.
Looking at numbers and facing the debt. It's not as bad as some, I know. Still pi$$es the living end outta me.
I swear, I think this Rat Bastard coulda screwed his way through an army of skanks and it still wouldn't pi$$ me off as much as the wasted time and money. IDK. Maybe it's the Midwestern girl in me. I know I've wasted my share of money...still, in my case it's always gone to the kids and helping them in some way. This is just stupid and I HATE stupid.
Ok. Outta my system. Breathe. Planning on another walk today. :-)
Bringing this over from Cal's thread.
AJ wrote:
Not carrying anger nor resentment doesn't require forgiveness. It does require acceptance of what happened and a decision to not carry that anger and resentment.
But to me, forgiveness does require the concept of repentance. i.e. "I recognize I did you wrong, and I am deciding I won't continue to do that to you. Can we wipe the slate clean and begin anew?" When I say begin, I mean our new relationship, which may be close to nothing, won't carry that baggage over. It's forgotten as if it never happened.
Because it needs to be as if it never happened, can you see why it requires two people and not just one, or am I missing it still?
I can accept that you wronged me, treated me poorly, maliciously did x,y,z toward me etc. I can accept that you're human. I can accept that you're happy you did them and don't want to change anything about what you did toward me. That's your world and one you live in. I have no reason to forgive you of the offense(s). None. I don't need to be angry about it just as I am not angry when a small child bumps into me and spills his drink on my leg. I'm not angry, although I don't particularly like it nor seek out opportunities to be around that child while they have a drink in their hands and aren't tied to a chair or their parents smile i.e. I haven't forgotten and I haven't forgiven in the sense that I'm not looking to continue a relationship with a child that's done that. No anger, but no relationship.
And I think the relationship, of some sort, is key to forgiveness. Otherwise, it's cheap forgiveness.
But I don't have a live a bitter, angry, cold life of untrusting solitude either. I don't have to forgive a person to avoid that.
In my mind, forgiveness is not what's needed to heal. Rather, acceptance, peace, and lack of emotions around the acts and person are attainable and much sought after (much like the analogy of the child who did what he did, whether maliciously or not; still a child.) But wiping the slate clean when it wasn't asked for? When it was flaunted as the thing to do? When it was done with intent and malice aforethought?
Nope. Not appropriate.
I don't think it appropriate to extract a pound of flesh for the wrongs either. That's really not the point and provides no value unless starring in an action movie where vengeance is needed for the plot thickener. Otherwise, incredibly limited value in my view. I haven't always "felt" that way though. There was a time I would have been more than happy to run my ex over with her own car, shoot her, push her off a cliff and then do it again. Just how I felt, but not what I believe. Eventually, feelings do catch up with what one believes, thankfully.
When genuinely asked for (not as a manipulative tactic?)
Certainly needs to be done. I.e wipe the slate clean and never speak of it again (both sides). That would be forgiveness if you asked me and the difference.
Forgiveness. Takes two as far as I'm concerned. The rest can be done without it and one can still lead a great life without bitterness, nor anger toward another. Acceptance + choice allows one to say, "I know what you did, and I choose not to retaliate nor talk about it nor carry the burden of your choices in my heart" - without forgiveness.
I can remember a time when I was sixteen or so and my parents had both remarried. I was living with my mom and step dad and my stepdad was abusing us daily. I hated my father. HATED the fact my father was living with his secretary and setting up house and acting as if nothing he had done was wrong.
I can remember having angry, sour thoughts about my father daily...wishing he would die some terrible death.
I can remember being a teen having umpteen people approach me after my dad left and say, "You HAVE to forgive him sweetie...it's the best thing for you...yadda, yadda..." I wanted to spit every time someone said that. I don't HAVE to do anything I would think. If HE has the right to hurt me and impact MY life so profoundly, the least I have is the CHOICE to decide how I want to allow him in my life.
Well, fast forward 35 years or so. I don't feel much anger with my dad. I'll admit that it does surface from time-to-time, as I've noticed it does with my siblings, when he takes some luxurious trip to Cannes or some silly place...whatever. But, overall, I'm able to trust God has a plan and my dad's life is his to handle. When it comes down to it, I know I wouldn't want the life my dad leads. I think it's fairly shallow. But, that's his choice.
Thank God. I WILL get there with Matt. I've already done so, imperfectly, with my dad and grandfather.
Where my grandfather is concerned, I just feel such pity that he chose to live out his days the way he did, away from his kids and grandkids. He was truly pitiful.
Still, I can't say that I have forgiven him. I accept that he was who he was and I choose to live my life differently. I'm still fairly revolted by how he treated his children and my grandmother when he left and after. That's just being honest. He was pretty damn revolting and mean. He continued to be fairly oblivious? Honestly, I don't know because he left and didn't look back.
But, I don't want him to die in a tar pit anymore.
AND...what's more. With my step dad, I really feel nothing but pity. Enough pity to invite him to NY to spend the weekend? NOPE. But, enough that I'm willing to pray for him and ask God watch over him. Same for my dad.
I hate the things these men have done which impact MY life today and made it harder for me to find MY joy in life. I see them as mountains I've had to climb to get to the good stuff. That sorta pi$$es me off still because I didn't and my girls didn't deserve those stumbling blocks.
In my world, go ahead and be an as-hole. Just don't be an as-hole and get in my way from achieving MY joy. Now, when I see someone do that I get incensed because I realize I have the same right as everyone else to enjoy my life. No matter what as-hat says I don't.
I don't imagine, however, I will feel that gristle once I get to the plateau and look down on all I conquered. Yet, I'm thinking they won't be invited to the party. Rat bastards.
There IS a time to put your foot on the neck of your enemy. I believe that. Once you step on them and over them to get to where you need to be...then, it's all good. Water under the bridge.
Postscript. My dad might actually be invited to the party. He has done what he could, financially, to help make up for his past transgressions. I see that. I do. He's tried.
Heather, the hard part of overcoming difficulties is seeing how life would be without them. Tasteless. We need some difficulties in our lives to grow as humans. Life is messy to say the least and we are in it together.
Postscript. My dad might actually be invited to the party. He has done what he could, financially, to help make up for his past transgressions. I see that. I do. He's tried.
The tough part is working through that with him. It's worth it if you can.
My father lost himself when my mom died. I was 16 and he was gone when I needed him most. Or so I thought. My sister was pi$$ed off to high heaven about that. She felt I was being treated badly and didn't like it. She was 18.
Fast forward 20 years. I chose not to let it bother me, or at least to retaliate. I knew he had his own issues and I accepted that. He worked very hard to rekindle the relationships with me and my sister. I'm glad I was open to it and so was my sister. We were able to heal from all of that. In ways I didn't even realize that I needed to.
I was angry he wasn't there when I needed him. My sister was angry. It was a challenge to be sure. One I needed as it turned out.
Dad died suddenly last year. We both miss him a lot. He re-entered our lives when he could and we let him.
And I am incredibly glad I did. I am very glad he tried to re-enter and to seek that forgiveness. That was not easy for him, believe me. And I didn't let him off the hook easily. I tested him because I needed to trust him. The choice to not be angry and not carry the burden that was his any longer than I felt I needed to was the right choice. And one that led to forgiveness and a satisfying and deep relationship.
I hope that your father and you can continue your relationship. It can be worth it, although it is not easy for either of you.
AJ
Old post of mine from Wonka's "When/How did MLC start?"
I summed it up pretty succinctly. Good reminder for me that it was a series of life events and both our reactions...which make a lot of sense given how be both handle stress...I feel forgiveness to myself and some to Matt when I read this. It was tough life stuff, not made any easier by some pretty grisley/controlling/meddling/intrusive inlaws and parents. Still, I didn't bail. He had the choice not to.
I'm struggling with this one. There weren't any deaths.
Smokey lost out on a big job promotion in 2009-2010? He was devastated. He worked at the same job for 15 years and was a really good employee. When a promotion came up, he was overlooked for someone outside the organization--and this person who was hired was lousy. The guy they hired relied on H to do both H's job and the supervisor job. It was horribly unfair. Around the same time, our house nearly foreclosed. That promotion would have been a God send.
There were other jobs where H lost out, unfairly, and this one really got to him. I was so sad for him.
In addition, our youngest daughter was having serious problems and resisting going to school. We struggled with 3+ hours a day of Autism meltdowns. Very stressful.
Within the year, she was diagnosed with Asperger's and H had a big problem with this diagnosis. He was always "busy" and unable to attend dr appts--he didn't even come when the doc told me the diagnosis. It was my problem to fix--according to Smokey.
And, our oldest was hitting adolescence at full speed--nasty boyfriend and had sex and all that fun stuff--her heart was broken.
Around this time, H really reached out to me to get a job and "rescue" him. I think he looked at me as having the key to saving his happiness. I can see now how I dropped the ball. He needed me and I was too absorbed in our youngest daughter and oldest daughter and trying like he!! to keep our kids from spinning outta control. I didn't give my husband the help he needed from me.
Still, I think that, even if I had given him what he wanted, he "needed" me to be his excuse so he could lose himself in his drug and remain stuck in his own quaqmire of issues.
Heather
_______________
Before I go put the paper together.
I had a dream last night were Matt and I were reunited.
And, Matt was irate and frustrated with how I kept house. It was like this strange reminder of all the ways we drove each other crazy. I was remembering how depressed I was and how I would let things in the house go and I was sorta disgusted with myself.
Then, we went to bed and I remembered how he was such a creature of habit that I wasn't ever able to read a book before bed unless HE was reading a book too because the light bothered him. I also submitted and turned off the light...and all these other little things that both of us did and how I drove him crazy which, in turn, drove me crazy, because he could never let them go and get on with life. He would fixate on little things and I felt like I had to restrain all these natural tendencies of mine to please him.
Oddly, I felt repulsed by him. And, I felt exhausted trying to get so many things done AND worry about all his little details that he NEEDED to be happy.
God forbid we should run out of his particular brand of creamer. I always felt he was keeping a book hidden someplace with all the ways Heather let him down. Check! She forgot the creamer again! Check!
Just a journal note.
Thanks AJ. People are people. Not sure why we get who we get. Have to admit though...It's been awfully nice to be away from the maddening crowd I left behind in Ohio. I've never been free of the pressure of them...I can see why my sister chose Texas. It's sorta nice to live AWAY. Love from a distance.
Just thought I would chime in on your day dreaming ideas.
I think its a great idea to move closer to the town your paper covers. Not only easier for you and your career but also seems like it would be easier for D12 to make new friends in town.
Not to burst your bubble but why fantasize about another fixer upper. You have so much on your plate already especially if you want to transition this job into a different writing job why go into a fixer upper. To me fixer upper means time and money $ucker.
Susy Orman thinks that rentals are not a waste of money.
Sounds like you are moving forward mentally. Slowly but surely.
Be kind to yourself, you are doing great
It's nice to have dreams and think about what you would like to do...but a fixer upper is not for the faint of heart. You purchase them and you do not have a clue as to what the problems are behind the walls and floors and they can be money pits and take up huge amounts of time. Besides, you didn't have the time, money or energy to continue fixing up the place in Ohio. You want to be in a place whereby it's in good condition w/little or no yard to keep up. Your time is already limited and why put that added burden on yourself.
I agree that it would be in your best interest to move closer to the town you are currently working in. Just think of the friends and neighbors you could have for support who know you from the paper. Even if you don't stay at the paper, the support would be wonderful and it would cut down on the time, gas and mileage of your vehicle. It's time to start looking and planning for the move. Your lease is up October 1 isn't it?
Problem is...when I figure out what I can afford, along with the debt owed to the attorney and my dad, I can't much better than a fixer upper.
I don't know...I had a two-hour discussion with a pastor today who moved to this area about a year ago. Now my brain is all a muddle.
He's already leaving. He is a very logical, practical man with a background in business consulting and ministry. Interesting combo! He's lived about 4 different states, working in various churches. He said this is the most poverty-stricken area he's ever lived. He's leaving because, as he nears retirement, he isn't interested in living somewhere that needs this degree of help. He said the people have this combo of New England-ish "don't help me--I can do it myself" along with the isolation of living in a climate where 200 inches of snow per years keeps everyone shut off, literally, for lengthy periods. People are very stuck in their ways and keep to themselves. Add this transient population from Fort Drum, outrageous rents, few to none jobs to support people in a healthy way...well, it's sorta depressing. In a story I wrote this week, one major mover and shaker in the village told me how it's criminal how the rents have been pushed so high that all people have to choose from are dumps...when you pay say $1250 (what we pay) to $1500 and you have to pay for a lot of filth. Kids are going to school hungry because families can't afford rent and groceries. One kid came to school last week and told a teacher that all the food the school sent home to help for the weekend was gone because another family moved into their home. He went hungry for the weekend.
Both of these men are from outside, like me, and have a pretty healthy perspective of what's outside this area. And the contrast between what we see and what we know is outside this area is sobering. So many families live and pay rent to reside in trailers/dilapidated apartments.
I can't tell you how nice it was to talk to someone with an outsider's perspective and have them "get" where we were coming from. I told him how we chose to live about 40 minutes away because the area was so much more cheerful and the people seemed more hospitable. We live in a town with the Kraft factory and things aren't nearly as impoverished.
The pastor and I started discussing a story the I did this week on poverty in this area and it was pretty illuminating for me. As we talked, we both got to talking about things we both were struggling with...He's looking for somewhere to retire and I told him how D12 and I were looking for a place to settle into for the long haul.
The poverty in this area is staggering. The area that I cover has 50-65 percent of the county-wide student population eligible for free and reduced lunches based on incomes. There's a growing trend of families doubling up on the other and living together in spaces because the rents are so high.
We may be a here a bit...My lease is up in October anyway. I will just have to figure out how to earn more income and keep driving and get D12 closer to some kids...feeling a bit overwhelmed again.
I did have this one lady at an organization reach out to me to give me some resources to help with D12. The counselor suggested I had many Asperger traits and gave me homework to see what help is available for D12 and Me in terms of help with budgeting, paying down the debt, dealing with day-to-day...
Sadly, many of the resources are in Vermont/NH/Mass...But, I am persevering. Can't help but feel the solution to a lot of this is right around the corner...I'm just not sure which corner to take. Maybe I will take all four until the I find the one that works.
The pastor I spoke with today has a background in strategic planning. He said he'd be happy to sit down with me to create a strategic plan with the whole career/where do I belong thing...I think if I wasn't so overwhelmed today, I'd be excited. :-)
Heather,
It sounds like things are starting to look brighter for your D's and yourself. You have so many more options now. Take all of the offers of help with planning and diagnostic help for yourself and D12. Once you have more info, you'll be able to the find the right Dr.'s, and counselor's. It's a gift from God that others are offering to help you, just when you need it. You'll find your place in due time. Wait for the right opportunity. It's on the horizon. You just can't see it clearly yet.
One day at a time, one hour at a time and one step at a time.
Thanks Not...
I think so too.
Just had a Blessing Alert!! There's this little girl who lives down the street. She is 10 years old and seems very lonely. Her dad is in the service and she has moved around quite a bit.
Well, it's 8 p.m. and she shows up at our door to say that her mom is in labor and at the hospital. Her dad hasn't come home from work and she and her two brothers aren't allowed to cook when no one is home. These kids have been sitting alone wondering what's going on at the hospital.
Then, the brother shows up. He says to me, "My dad's girlfriend is in labor and I can't reach my dad. I called my mom and she said if no one is home before 8:30 p.m. to go ahead and make dinner."
So, I ask this 12-year-old boy, "Where's you mom?"
"Oklahoma."
Then, a stepmom comes up in the conversation. This a different woman from the OK mom and girlfriend already mentioned.
What the hell are we doing to our kids? I think three mothers is more than enough.
Anyway, it felt good to help them. I gave them some microwave-able food and some apples. I get now why this little girl shows up at the door every time my car pulls into the drive. I think her mom is in OK. Or, the "mom" in NY is a little difficult. I know they aren't allowed to play with chalk outside for fear it will get on dad's tires.
Counting my blessings. Loving my daughter. Relieved she isn't living with her father. Or having to deal with his addicted lifestyle.
Heather,
Wow. Glad you were able to help them out. Have you thought about inviting the kids over to play with D12?
Something to consider..expand D12's social circle a bit.
That was such a sad incident last evening, however, I'm glad you were able to help them out. I imagine the kids were scared and hungry. I realize the woman was in labor, but the father should have had some plans in place, i.e., someone to watch the children and ensure that they were fed. So sad.
Maybe when things settle down, you could go over and introduce yourself and have the little girl visit w/your daughter. It would expand her circle of neighbors who could possibly become friends.
Checking in...
First the Bad...
The Forester and I decided this week that it was too hard to continue communicate long distance. We both would have these stressful days and want to connect at the end and...well, he's in Ohio and I'm here. I actually tried to stop communicating for a bit and he reached out to me. Started it all up again. After one particularly hard day, we were teasing back and forth and, for my part, just longed to have someone to fall into at the end. He was the first to say, "I kinda hate this."
So...I just need to find another...not now...but, sometime...another young, virale, nice man who is passionate about farming and has a great sense of humor and reads Thoreau. That should be easy, right?
It sorta set off a wave of grief. But...the wave of grief...(not angry in the least with him)...but, can't help, with my history, to feel some rejection...even though it was actually sorta flattering. He hated he couldn't be with me...That's nice.
I find myself crying for no reason. A lot of it is just stress. But, I do feel a loss. He's a pretty interesting, special guy.
But, I've had these dreams...I had one last night where I screamed and raged at my mother. Just raged bloody murder. All the anger I've been feeling daily...at all of it...I felt it in this dream. I woke up with some clarity about where it comes from...People choosing NOT to be there for me. Often, choosing to be somewhere that seems more fun, with someone else...Me left holding the responsibilities and figuring I will be treated fairly for all I invest in others...But, ending up with no one to count on, just me.
Now, I know this is because of a belief system which I can alter, with some work. But, I'm not sure I ever felt the anger portion.
Spent a lifetime feeling tons of depression and sadness...Remember all the Woe is Me days on these boards???
Well, now, Heather is finally feeling the anger. And, it is all-consuming. Especially without any AD's. Taking some St. John's Wort, Vit. D...drinking Chamomile Tea.
But, this is built-up anger from decades past.
Spoke to my mother this week. She did her thing again..."So, how's the paper? How's the divorce? How's D12?" Never any offer, at least one with follow-thru to help...It may be best for me to just avoid her for now.
I received the itemized bill from the atty again...he clearly is holding my W2 hostage and refusing to show me the divorce settlement proposal until I pay. I've had some other feedback on this and that's not ok. Feeling less badly about calling him "The world's suckiest atty." --seriously...$11k??? For what?
Anyway...I told him I would be happy to arrange a payment plan and he could take automatic payments...but, I'm not putting us in any financial hardship to pay this man back. I think 15 years of poverty is enough. Even if I pay $25 for the next 50 years...that's what I'll do. Wow. I feel the anger as I write this.
I will call to make another counseling appt. tomorrow.
-Angry that I'm paying $11K for an attorney who really only got me close to what the judge woulda given without any legal representation...I'm angry with how unfair this all is. And, I know there are women who have gotten much, much worse...but, that doesn't make it ok. I think until I DO something about this...even if it's write an article about how to handle a situation similar to mine when the other party lashes back and costs legal fees..IDK...pisses me off so much...
I think it all comes back to the abandonment. Over and over, trusting people who don't have my back and take advantage. And, leave me to handle the mess. Yep. I think that's it.
D20 did it too. Promised to help for one year. Bailed. I'm proud of her though. She has been offered a promotion to supervisor at one of her jobs.
And, this is from childhood. I have some deep trenching to do on this subject. I'm not sure I'm able to ever choose someone who will NOT do this.
Need to redefine my beliefs, attract a better bunch of peeps. Maybe work harder at trusting and supporting myself to handle more?? Was thinking how different I am than I was even 6 months ago.
When I speak to Smokey...he seems so childish and almost silly in his adolescence.
Ok. Blessings.
The little girl is over now playing with D12. She is a bit of a nuisance, but D12 can handle her for a couple of hours. She showed up last night after a long day and we had just gotten home. She told D12 that her parents told her to find somewhere to spend the night because they wanted to be alone.
I asked the little girl to clarify the home situation. She said that the woman she calls "Mom" is really her father's pregnant girlfriend. I asked the little girl where her mother lives and she said OK. I said, "That must be hard. You are very brave."
She said, "Nope. My mom doesn't really talk to us. It's no big deal." And, I get the impression, this little girl of 10 has written off her mother...sorta how my girls have just shut down their father. He's gone.
Again, what are we doing to our kids?? And, what sorta of backlash will all of this have on society when these kids grow up?
Anyway...
Had an interview with a man who has ALS yesterday. He and his wife have been married 42 years. They are facing...??? While his situation is better than most with ALS, he has lost his ability to walk and nearly can't use his arms...all in the past 2 years. He reminded me of Matt in his love of the outdoors and desire to be outside and sorta soft/sensitive insides...before the drugs and denial. The couple met in high school. Heavy stuff. Made me look at my situation a bit differently. Paying $11k for a divorce doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world.
Still...grappling with the anger. Such anger. And, I need to see someone regularly to deal with it. How to pay for it?? I don't know. I've been working on a budget this week...
Met with the company that manages this property. The one woman went through a difficult divorce. She's from NYC and very blunt, awesome and doesn't hold back. She didn't offer to lower the rent...which continues to frustrate me. I've still been looking for something more affordable and I'm seeing many places with more to offer and less rent...I'm paying $1250 + I pay all utilities and have to handle plowing and the lawn.
And, yes, I'm putting an ad on Craigslist today.
The rental management company ladies gave me all sorts of suggestions from asking the state for help in rent to suggestions about my divorce situation/tax situation. The woman there suggested I go ahead and file. I can use a copy of the W2. She also suggested I make it clear to Matt, AGAIN, to send me directly the divorce settl. proposal... Bottom Line: The rental company was supportive. And, that was nice.
A woman in the town I cover offered us a really disgusting store front for a rental. She would pay all utilities and give us a low rent. I'm not sure I'm able to take this favor...for one thing, there's no bedrooms and it smells. It's next door to my office and she agreed to allow us to do whatever to it to make it live-able...IDK. It kinda looks like a fire trap. There's no oven either. I'm handy and all...but...Man, the low rent would be so cool though and D12 would be right next door. ??
VERY nice to have someone make the offer. Again, didn't feel so alone.
The ALS man and his wife. IDK. When you go through this level of crud in life, I find I'm able to connect with others who have similar sucky experiences?? Make sense. I'm learning that I don't really like connecting with people who haven't been through something...HONESTLY...That's the key. My niece recently tried to kill herself, but when I talk to my sister...she's all..."It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine." But, I know they aren't fine. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. I like people who face life's troubles honestly.
I feel blessed that I understood poverty and could offer some support to this man and his wife. I feel blessed that I made some friends.
Found a tutor in the town where I work for D12. She is a special needs teacher at the local school. She is adorable, young and perfect for D12. AND...she gets Asperger's and already knows some kid D12's age to hook her up with :-) Blessing!!
I had a house fire to cover for the newspaper. I also had a Lions meeting I was invited to attend. It was the same day, afternoon actually, that the Forester and I decided to stop whatever it was we had. I was low and moving slow. I was late to the Lions. Had NO idea they planned to have me their guest of honor. :-)
They waited for me. They treated me like a celebrity and invited me to join.
People really like me there. Blessing.
Would love some feedback on the storefront.
It has a shower stall in the like the middle of the joint with a curtain for a door. Hmmm...Still, I'd literally be right next door to my office. We'd be on the first floor. It's kinda an old ratty building, but in case of fire, the fire department is about a half-block away.
I bet she'd only charge me $400 to $600 per month with heat/electric included.
I'd be next door. How do I live in a storefront though?
Shid. I could probably use the Internet from the office.
Ok. Kinda weird. I asked for a chance to simplify my finances. I prayed for this opportunity to make things simple.
Can't get much simpler than an apartment next to my office...All utilities included. I know she wouldn't charge me more than $500 per month.
I can't live in a dump though. Been there, done that.
Heather,
You want some advice about the place next door to where you work? Well, here's my fifty cents on that one, run, do not walk as far away as you can from this offer. It sounds like it is in worse shape than your home that you left in Ohio. I know you want to find something more reasonable, but don't lower yourself and your daughter to living in that dump. All you would need is for Matt to find out that you have your daughter living in that place and he would file some kind of complaint because of the living conditions. Quite frankly, it sounds like a fire trap. Keep looking. It's spring time and things will begin to open up and you'll find something nice and more affordable.
Now, about the little girl down the street...don't get sucked into her staying at your home. It's okay for her to come over periodically to play, but this man and his baby momma may become the type of people that will allow you to babysit her and feed her on your watch. It's nice to open your house up to others...but be careful w/your time, energy and hospitality. I know you feel sorry for her, but it does sound like they want to dump her off on someone else and you don't want to become the babysitter to this young girl.
I would be questioning why he's got custody of all of the kids. If I read correctly, the mothers of the children are not living in the area. Something doesn't sound right if he's got them all and the mothers don't have them.
Keep moving forward.
Thanks Job.
That's what I was thinking too. I just don't want to be a big baby if God is putting something in my path to help the situation. In some ways, it's exactly the answer to our prayers...yet, it's a big ol' dump. So much of the village is like that. In D12's words, "It's just so depressing mom."
I just need to calm the heck down. I started putting the numbers in the budget and got all excited at cutting here and cutting there!! Maybe I just need to trust God. He found us this really nice place.
This week, aside from the Forester, I had the "revised" atty bill, the looming Ohio hearing date (still with no settlement proposal in hand), tax issues, rental issues, bills-bills-bills-news about the sex offender...it all got me spinning again. I was looking desperately for a quick solution. Deep breath. I caught myself putting everything but the paper first again. The panic was imploding in my head.
The man with ALS was a great reminder. Steady it goes.
Despite the high rent, I don't worry about D12 being alone here. And, I would worry in the other village. These homes are safe, clean and the neighborhood is very small. We are also right across the street from the police. In some ways, it's really ideal. It's just the price and the distance. I guess if I think about it, just because I'm a hit in the village where I work doesn't mean I couldn't be a hit elsewhere.
Last night, I sent the girl away. I was polite. I felt so badly for her. I did tell her she could come back today to hang out. It's D12 that I don't want taken advantage of. I've told her I'm ok with her playing with this little girl as long as it's something SHE wants to do...or, if she wants to help the little girl...but, she has the right to say, "No" or end the playdate when she is tired. D12 is really mature for her age and this little girl is really immature...and needy. The situation has set off my red flags. Something is very strange and very wrong.
I heard back this week that the boy who raped the little girl in my Ohio home has only received a slap on the wrist. He will get probation and house arrest for the two children he violated. I guess the one cousin he raped (three times) told the court that the offending boy had admitted there were other children. I'm sure there were. This boy, at 15, left a trail and I tutored him at the height of his activity. I'm so grateful D12 had his number from the start and had the confidence to keep him far away.
The rental company told me to pay what I could and keep the conversations open. I will do that.
I still have the list of resources the Asperger's woman gave me. I will continue to look through them.
One day at a time.
You said it Heather - One day at a time.
I really identify with your money worries and renting a place you can ill afford - I have spreadsheets for spreadsheets now! I know its hard, its stressful and causes you sleepless nights but something always does seem to come along just at the right moment; just keep everyone in the loop, explain the situation and most people/companies are open to helping where they can.
I agree with job, please don't even consider this new place, it sounds like it should be condemned, on top of that you would not be happy there which will affect both you and your d emotional and physical well being, sometimes no matter how hard it gets we have to be rational and draw a line at what measures we are prepared to take - living in a "dump" should not be one of them. Dry, clean and safe - you deserve no less.
Its such a sad situation with this little girl and I can see it is tugging your heartstrings, it would mine too - but I have learnt valuable lessons over the years by helping families who just wont help themselves and it always ends the same way - them doing the take take take. Its a tough one for sure; as long as you are confident she is getting her basic needs met and she is being cared for then I would not encourage her calling on you - but I have to say that if I felt her and her siblings are not being cared for properly or she could be in danger then I would involve the authorities - its the responsible thing to do.
I think you are doing great, you are still moving forward and dealing with the challenges that come along with grace and strength, you may not see it, but I do. Keep going Heather, you will get through this crappola time and life will be good once again.
Thanks Lou. That means a lot.
I know it could be much much worse.
We shall overcome.
Nothing to add except my support. You are doing great Heather!
Slow and steady will win the race. Don't jump at the first thing that comes along. If it is worth while it will be there long enough for you to consider everything before deciding.
A year ago my ex tried to commit suicide. I had to deal with young daughters, lawyers, job issues, etc. Seemed like every time I looked something new was hitting me square in the face. I felt like I had no chance. Life seemed impossible. All I could do was move one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I took it one day at a time. Took care of the things I could and tried not to sweat the ones I couldn't. I worked on thinking positively and not looking for the negative. I went almost a year without work while I concentrated on fixing what I could in my life. Looking back now I can see how doing the right things and being positive has put me in a place now that is much better than it was a year ago.
You are doing great. Keep on top of your finances religiously and they will fall into place. Keep positive thoughts and do the right things. Life has a way of rewarding those who do right. It will get easier.
Thanks Life and Gwen. I really appreciate your kind thoughts.
Weird day.
So, I'm on this free dating site. And, this guy starts chatting with me. I have some red flags right off the bat. Something just didn't jive. He mentions he is in town temporarily to work. So, I just have this gut feeling and say, "Are your wife and kids in such-and-such?"
He says something sorta vague. So I ask directly, "Are you married?"
"Yes"
WTF?
So, I say, "Rat Bastard."
Well, this guy starts doing the MLC monologue all over the place. It was W.E.I.R.D.
He's all..."I've been married 18 years and we've been on this site together before and I was listening the to the young guys at work and wanted to see what this was all about...yadda, yadda..."
And, I say...well, I was married for 23 years and my husband was just seeing what was out there too...He hasn't seen our oldest daughter in 2 years. She hasn't forgiven him. Don't give up before you grow up.
Then, I unmatched him.
Whatta jerk.
Also, learned today that Matt's atty never sent the settlement proposal to my atty. Never sent it. His attorney is milking it until the next hearing. Ugh.
I sent a text to Matt and received no response. Of course, I immediately think the worst and imagine he is planning some terrible surprise for me. Whatever. I think it's mainly nerves talking. Fried nerves.
OH, AND spoke to my mother too.
Get this!? She posted on Facebook last night this weird tale about how she was getting gas and left the car running with the pump in the tank and went inside to pay or get food or something...Anyway, she is talking to some people in the gas station and this kid freaks out because her car is rolling into the street, heading wrong way with the gas pump still attached. The young man jumped in the car and drove it back to the station. No harm done, but seriously??!!!
My mom was playing it off like a big joke. I texted my brother and sister and told them she shouldn't be driving.
Then, I called her today to tell her how much it scared me. She laughed it off. And, turned it around...Last time I spoke to her I was really down and today she says, "So what are you going to do?"
About what mom? The Job? Bills? Divorce? D12? What?
IDK. She exhausts me.
My Mom and Matt are like the same person. I think some of the anger I feel for Matt is really the anger I feel with my mother. I went on Facebook tonight and a ton of people responded to her crazy episode. That's my mom...always the celebrity. Her high school boyfriend was among the well-wishers. So, she is back to Dad number 3.
Nice job on the dating site. Good call, that dirtbag.
Can I suggest something? Perhaps dealing with your feelings toward your mom first would make it more readily possible to deal with the other feelings?
Your mom is your mom and you can't un-mom her. Perhaps dealing with those feelings and the past feelings toward your mom is a good start to unravelling other things going on?
Just a thought, Heather.
AJ
Aww LoisB. I'm sorry that your mom is kinda maintenance required type right now. That's all you need huh?
I just caught up with your sitch. My prayers for you and your DD.
It'll all work out for the good. Keep moving forward. I admire your courage and stamina. You are one tough cookie.
With everything going on in the world - your priorities are your DD and your safety and well being.
Rents are high everywhere. Is there a church or some other resource that can help? Can you get help from your siblings? You know we want the best for you and your DD. You will get through this even when life seems weirder everyday. YOU CAN MAKE IT!!
Prayers for you and your DD. It'll all work out for the good. Remember..those who come into your life and try to harm you are really helping you move up.They just don't know it. For God doesn't allow suffering for waste. Focus on the good!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Heather,
You are going to have to find a way to accept your mother for who she is. You are still expecting her to jump on the band wagon and help you out...it's not going to happen and she's been like that for a long time. She's your mother and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about her behavior, but you can do something about the way you interact w/her. From your postings, each and every time you have interactions w/her you get spun up...learn to detach from her drama. As to her question to you about what are you going to do about it? Absolutely nothing. What happened during the pumping station incident has been done before by younger people and let's face it, people don't always think before they do things. I'm just glad no one was hurt or the place didn't blow up.
After interacting w/her, let it go. Your focus has to be on you and your family. You only have control over what you do. I know it frustrates you to no end about your parents, but they are not going to change at this late date in life.
As for Matt's lawyer...maybe Matt has directed him not to send the settlement paperwork to your lawyer for a reason, i.e., maybe to get you to change your mind and take less...but at this point, who knows what is going on in the enemy's camp. BTW, when is your hearing?
Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to find your place of peace, calm and happiness.
I just feel so damn alone...and I am.
Powerless over someone else's stupid. And, this stupid impacts my life negatively...things are made harder for me because someone else could and should help, but they choose not to. My needs don't count no matter how valid they may be...even if I'm being treated ridiculously unfairly.
Heather,
I do understand how you feel, but your parents will not change and in their eyes, they may very well think that they've helped you quite a bit over your life time and now think that you are a woman in your 30's/40's who should be quite capable of taking care of yourself and not expect her parents to come to the rescue each and every time things don't go the way that you had hoped.
You continue to "expect" them to be there to help you, i.e., financially or bail you out of whatever comes along. Maybe they are tired of doing it and besides, don't you owe both your father and your mother money? Maybe they would have been more willing to help you had you repaid them in a timely fashion, i.e., even if it were only $20 dollars month. You can't continue to take and take from people and then "expect" them to come to your aid. People get tired of this type of behavior, i.e., even parents. You should know how that feels because Matt has taken from you so many times and given nothing in return.
Heather, I'm not putting you down here, but from where I'm sitting, I can see both sides and do understand where you and your parents are coming from. It's not about how much money they have or spend, because it is their money to do with what they want and they don't need to justify what they are doing w/their money and most importantly, they don't have to share it w/you or other family members at this time. No one knows what they have stated in their wills and that could be when you and the other family members will get your fair shares, but right now it's theirs and they will decide whether to help a family member or not. It's about them wanting you to stand on your own two feet and not rely on them to bail you out. They want you to be accountable for your actions, learn to budget and learn how to find the answers to your daily trials and tribulations on your own.
I think your parents have been there to help you quite a bit since Matt left. You need to sit down and think about it...your mother has come to your rescue several times, i.e., trip to North Carolina, using her credit card to help you last September when you need help money wise with the place you are currently living in and I think she's also loaned you some money or used her credit card for something you needed. Your father set aside money for your daughter's college and you used it for your divorce and something else and didn't tell him what you did, therefore, your daughter in a fit of anger told him, which in turn, annoyed him because you weren't honest w/him yourself. Your parents have helped you out whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It's not their job to continue to help you out of financial situations as you are now a grown woman and have a job that pays well, as well as the support payments are now coming in. They should be supportive and listen and offer solutions and provide moral support...but they aren't the ATM.
I'm sorry if I have overstepped myself, but it's time to accept the fact that your parents aren't going to continue to provide financial aid to you. You continue to "expect" them to act a certain way and they won't, hence you get disappointed all over again and get angry and frustrated w/them. Please, please stop expecting them to step up to the plate...they aren't going to do so. Have you ever given any thought that maybe you need to change the way that you interact w/them. Have you tried to DB them? The dynamics of the interactions you have w/them may never change, but you, and only you, can change the way that you interact w/them. Sometimes it only takes one to change those dynamics...will that be you?
When my dad left my mom, he went on to make, literally, millions of dollars. He and his OW have enjoyed all that life has to offer in terms of the physical stuff. My mom ended up suffering through another terrible marriage.
I know that my situation has touched on some of these feelings of rage. How unfair life can be.
I think I am a person who really struggles when things just don't measure up in terms of justice. I see my daughters show the same quality.
Heather, you posted this on bea's thread. Of course, when I read it... I think I saw something. It was two days ago... it was a brilliant thought, but I was tired and going to post later. Well... my brilliance last all of... seconds. I can't remember exactly, but I will try my best. Try to follow along, as my brain is like an old Monte Carlo which has a hard time starting... and when it does... the parking break is always stuck. And its covered in fuzz.
Well, now that we've gotten that out of the way...
A LOT, and I mean, a lot of that stuff is affecting you still today. Maybe I'm wrong... there's a good chance. But, I see the words you you to describe your dad and how he went off and THEN made the moola. It was bad enough to leave you guys, but then to leave you and live the "good life." And leave you struggling!
I think you felt a sort of... hmmm... well... like you were gypped! Like he was your dad and he owed that to you. And... yeah, you're right. But... he doesn't see it that way... that's my guess.
And that translates into the money thing with Matt. Yes.. he owes you cp $.
But... you can't count on these guys. Do what you gotta do. But, don't expect $hit from anyone.
Honestly, Heather, that's what helped me the most. In fact, xh does not hold up to all that he owes me. And the way I got screwed over with house... we are talking tens of thousands...
He is supposed to pay for xyz. And college for s18- right around the corner- I don't expect a penny. I need to get s18 a car- I am doing it on my own- with s18. I am looking into ways to save, make more money... yadda.
I guess my point is, it was so helpful for me to cut my losses. I know we have to protect ourselves and fight for what's right. Honestly, the mlc thing... is just a horse of a different color. You aren't dealing with reasonable people who care or have the capacity to acknowledge what's right. So, I chalked it up as... this is the situation I'm in. What do I have to do to get by? How am I going to survive and take care of my kids?
And look.... I didn't get crap from my dad growing up. He had an awesome job when I was little. Alcohol stole his soul for awhile. He lost his job bc of it. And... he was given a choice- get help or get out. He chose the latter. And he had three kids. He didn't work for years. He was on his own. And at that point... my mom was too as far as raising us. He got by like bar tending here and there. But he probably drank more than he made. My mom worked a million jobs. Like.... a million. More than humanly possible. But she did.
Maybe that's why I don't have expectations from xh. My mom was a workhorse. That's how she was raised. She didn't expect things from my dad. At least that I know of. And I didn't expect things from him either.
I've been at a point where we lost lots of things bc of my dad. But, she always kept it together. Things were crazy... but normal. She balanced us- by doing whatever she needed to do. Maybe that's why I just cut it- didn't care. I knew I could have spent this year in court arguing this and that and getting lots more $$$. But my first thought was that it would take away from the kids. Even his $ (now I know THAT wouldn't have mattered- just taken from his other kid). But I knew that I didn't want to spend s18's last year stressed the heck out. I'd rather get it over with and pick up the pieces and deal with it. Happiness and peace. So worth every damn dollar.
OK, I don't mean to ramble. I don't mean to hijack. I hope this makes sense! Honey, I just want you to be happy. I know you struggle. I know you've been given some tough stuff. I know you are so alone and feel like the world is against you. But don't put yourself against you! Fight for you by letting them go. Look at you and d12. Look at your surroundings. That's what you have. You can count on YOU! I know it's tough. I'm sorry you are doing it alone. But you do have people rooting for you. In your corner! You can do this. I have no doubt. If anyone can... c'mon.... you know where I'm going with this!
Oh! And... btw... writing this post actually gave me a lot of insight into my own sitch! Things I hadn't entirely thought about before! Wow! Sorry I had to ramble on yours....
XO, babe!
Wow. Thanks guys. Really, I appreciate the feedback.
I guess I shoulda clarified before I posted today...It was deadline day and I found myself getting wound up. I was taking AJ's advice and trying to journal the feelings as they came up. I felt an overwhelming feeling and journeled on here for a minute or two and went back to work.
Number 26 is done and it looks good :-) And, I was in a place of overwhelm but still got it done. I feel like I'm a different person than I was. I'm just different.
Got the newspaper done. Handled D20's Fafsa issues. Dealt with D12 who was in a tricky frame of mind yesterday. Handled Matt today and dealt with some divorce stuff. All in a day :-) A year ago, a day like today woulda blown me outta the water. But, I'm good. I'm still standing.
I confided in a friend/co-worker today about my stresses yesterday with D12 and the smoke alarm (did I mention I had to come home early from work because the wind blew and set off the smoke alarms and it set D12 off for the rest of the evening. She had a mild meltdown). Talking about it today lessened the stress. I felt it melt away some.
Did some yoga this morning.
It was actually a pretty good day. A not so bad day.
Had some miracles happen with Matt. But, I will share those later.
But, I have had these really overpowering feelings recently and I have to admit, when I post the feelings on here, I get the impression I SHOULD feel differently. But, these are the feelings I have right now.
By now, I would think you guys would be able to see that sometimes I need a place to vent. Maybe I need to vent elsewhere. I've tried to stay away from the boards in recent months because there seems to be a disconnect lately for me.
The stuff I share on here is not stuff I share with my parents.
Most of it is STRESS. S.T.R.E.S.S.
And, I don't have much of a support system, yet, to confide in. So, I get to a boiling over point and I write on here. It feels as if I'm sharing with friends.
I don't blame my parents. I don't. I'm 46 and I'm a grown up. Plain and simple. However, I feel what I feel and I'm not sure why?? And, it's not just going away. I think a lot of it is just stress. The rest? I don't know.
I haven't asked my parents for a dime since I moved here. In the past 6 months, I've had two tense conversations with my mother...both in the past two weeks. I haven't asked for help in any way. No, I haven't paid them back and I feel terrible about this...but, that's not why I feel the way I feel.
Let me clarify...I want to be crystal clear here...
My mom is my crazy mom. I get that. There are times when I can't talk to her because she is out to lunch and it drives me bananas to listen to her talk about her life in lala land when I'm struggling. These past two weeks are a perfect example. She shops away thousands of dollars on a monthly basis just sitting in her apartment online. That's her choice. HOWEVER, when I'm struggling and she gives off the impression of concern, I flip a switch. These are the times I can't talk to her. I just can't. I FEEL angry when I hear her describe her life or...I FEEL this way or that. I try to put words to it, but, bottom line, I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel ???
I have found some validation from my siblings who feel similarly. My niece had a suicide attempt a month ago and my mother hasn't called my niece. My sister is upset too. There's a disconnect here somewhere and I'm not beating myself up for feeling the way I do. I'm not acting on anything. I haven't borrowed money. I apologized when I spoke a little too firmly with her the other day.
The issue for me is the feelings. And, why they are so overwhelming right now.
I know she has helped me. I don't disparage this at all. When I'm stressed. I vent and if I don't have any other place, I will vent on here. I'm sure I come off as bitter and whatever. Some days I am. But, at the end of the day, I get that my mom is my mom and she loves me. If, however, on a rough day, I have to listen to her discuss her life of online shopping and whatever...well...it's too much.
My dad.I have to admit. I've felt a stronger sense of myself in the time I haven't had to deal with him. Again, how I feel.
I've spent a lifetime apologizing for my feelings. I'm not going to do it this time. I feel some pretty powerful feelings right now.
And, for the first time, today, I handled Matt with a power and self-assurance I haven't had, maybe ever. He tried to pull some crap on me with the settlement proposal and I called him on his crap and, guess what?, he backed the eff off. :-)
I didn't cower. I didn't cringe. I didn't hide in my bed. I faced him head on and suggested we may need to go to a hearing if he refuses to pay the full amount of child support he owes.
Heather- you sound fan.freakin.tas.tic. I don't discourage your at all from venting your feelings. And, I totally get the- that's how I feel-even if I should feel differently.
So glad you handled things with strength and class today. That is empowering, huh? Good for you.
Just know, when I spoke about my release and cutting my losses, I could just picture you- being free of their burden. Like holding your hands to the sky, smiling, and saying you are letting go of their mess. That you don't have to carry it. You don't need it. Because, girl, you got you.
Carry on, my friend. Vent, release, and keep going.
PS- glad you were able to talk w someone at work today. Its a great thing to have that camaraderie at work.
Wow. Ok. Clarity is coming full force as I write this down...
The anger is a good thing, for me...I don't know if it is for everyone? But, it definitely IS for me. This is the first time, this past month, first time I've been off of AD's in 15 years. I've spent a lifetime being depressed and then medicating, sleeping and hating myself in various stages of depression in order to live with the people I was surrounded by. I can't tell you how many therapists, psychiatrists, holistic healers, allergists even!...I went to in order to find the source of my depression. Truth was...I wasn't honoring my feelings. For ME...I don't know about anyone else...but, FOR ME, it's been an absolute Godsend that I've finally gotten really and truly pi$$ed off at the people in my life that sorta shiddy people. Still love em. But, not gonna make excuses and force myself to suffer any longer because someone else is sorta shiddy. Including my mother.
I didn't cower. With Matt today, I didn't cower.
People are just people. I get that. No one is perfect. I love my mother. But, I'm not making excuses for her any longer. And, if I feel angry with her behavior, I will damn well feel angry. I won't bludgeon my 71-year-old mother with it. But, I may vent and I may grumble. I will express the frustration of someone saying one thing...but, always doing another thing that is always much more advantageous to her.
Trust me. I've paid my dues where my mother is concerned. I've sat through countless holiday dinners, often dinners I hosted, sitting with the man who abused my siblings and I horribly and then cheated on my mother...
Job, you knew me when I started here. You may have been one of the first people to post to me in October of 2012 when I was in the lowest place I've ever been in my life. I was desperate and so full of pain. And, you, YOU...helped me pick up the pieces and pull it together.
I was a weakling. I was beaten. I was used to being the butt of belittling comments and accustomed to having my mother, father, husband and in-laws---AND D20 beat me up on a regular, daily basis.
Remember those days?
How many times did you say,"Heather, people see in you someone who they can take advantage of. You gotta pull up your big-girl panties."
Well, let's fast forward to today. I walked into the office today with the publisher of a powerful newspaper publishing company--one that encompasses most of Upstate New York. This same man who almost fired me 2 months ago. I was joking with a co-worker. I looked up and said a friendly "Hello" and went back to joking.
You guys helped me get there. I didn't spend more than 5 minutes tops...more like 30 seconds...worrying for about whether he liked me, if I was dressed ok, if I said the right thing, blah, blah, blah...
I was OK. You guys helped me get here. YOU JOB...YOU HELPED ME GET HERE...
Ok. So, for most of Heather's life, she has sat on the pity pot. And, she hid from life.
Yes, my default button when I'm stressed is to head back to the pity pot. The difference is...I will vent the pity shid on here...but, in my real life, not virtual, I will get up and get it done. Maybe I'm getting it done imperfectly, but I'm getting it done.
I met with my rental agency on Friday. Faced it. Met with the people I owed money to.
I'm a different person. I just am. I'm not up half the night worrying about my job, husband, bills, etc...
I still struggle with the feelings. I'm getting that I get overwhelmed and search frantically for someone to help me feel better.
Honestly, I think that comes from a lot of abandonment. And, I have a personality that gets overly stimulated easily so I spin. When I spin...I generally look for a place to pin the spin feeling. I need to know why because it's uncomfortable and I want to feel better.
In the past six months, I've felt a growing, boiling anger inside me. I think it's been brewing for years and years. Heather was always a pushover. Transitioning from a pushover to someone empowered isn't easy. No transition is easy. It's uncomfortable and awkward and I haven't handled it as well as maybe I could have. But, I've kept trucking.
I'm trusting the process because today I felt different. Just different. I AM different.
I'm not a pushover anymore. I've needed the anger to reach this point.
And, you know what? Once I handled Matt with some firm gloves. He revealed some vulnerability. He said that he wasn't the bad guy everyone thinks he is and that he loves his kids.
I was able to tell him I knew he loved his kids. I was even able to tell him he was a good dad and that's what made me sad that the past few years color all the others.
I've NEEDED this anger. My mother is one of the main people who pushed me around for years and years. I've been there for her and dealt with insane situations with men that make me cringe when I think about it. Her addiction is men and my mother has always had a generous supply of crazy surrounding whichever abusive guy she chose. I've tolerated plenty from my mother and I'm finally owning, in more than words, the reality of her person.
Still, like with Matt, once I feel the feelings, get it out...accept what is...then, I will, without a doubt, be there for my mother in whatever way she needs me. It's who I've always been...and, maybe that's what has triggered some anger. I've been cleaning and caring for this woman my whole life. Maybe I haven't shared all that on these boards. My mother relied on my heavily too.
Heather,
I suggest that you "explore" those feelings that you have concerning abandonment, anger, etc. w/an IC. If you can't afford an IC, then maybe your minister/pastor of your church will be of help to you or assist you in finding someone to talk to. You have some serious issues that need to be worked through and resolved in order for you to find inner peace and happiness. It's important that you get to the root of why you feel the way you do.
I second what Job said, Heather. And glad to see you are putting the feelings on the table. But exploring that is a good idea in my opinion.
You seem to be nibbling at other things as well, Heather but focusing on those parts as Job suggested is likely a really good idea. I think you are making some pretty good connections to and between things and would like to see them through and put to rest. I know I would like you to be able to put them to rest at some point - now that you are starting to see them
AJ
Hi Everyone,
I need to check in.
Last week, the company sent out a mass email. They let go of 5 employees because of financial difficulties. One of the employees is someone I consider a friend. She is a valuable employee and has been with the company for 30 years. She was lucky to receive severance. Another employee, after 36 years, was given no severance. Everyone was given two weeks' notice.
I don't like this company. I don't like how they treat people. I don't like how they've treated me.
Now...I don't know why the Lord is giving me these challenges. I'm looking at the positive...
I've been in a sorta boot camp of chaos for the past 8 months and I'm still standing. I've learned a lot and feel confident I can handle a writing job with a better managed (and nicer) company.
Still. I'm ready for LESS pressure--or at least, less of a feeling of impending doom. I realize it's my action that will alter this situation. I'm looking. Trying hard to push away the thoughts that say, "Heather, this is crazy! How will you be able to afford moving again?! How will you be able to do this?! YOU can't do this! YOU are doomed!"
I'm not doomed. This is where I've learned what I'm made of. I can handle this. I just need to use my creativity and intelligence. Luckily, I have reams of both. :-)
Part of the challenge here is sorting through all the choices. I feel like there are so many directions/opportunities and I don't know which to choose. I also know that whatever I choose, needs to be a permanent place for D12 and I. We need to settle in somewhere.
We've had some good conversations, one yesterday, where she told me she doesn't like how stressed I've been in this position. She isn't thrilled with the harsh winters here.
Trying to listen to God as opposed to controlling the outcome.
I'm reaching out for support...In the last month, I've had two counseling sessions and met with a pastor who happens to be friends with Dick Bolles who wrote What Color is Your Parachute. He gave me lots of good stuff to think about. Oddly enough, we met the day before I received the email. Also, the counselor's husband worked for this company for 30 years. She told me she always felt it was mismanaged and pulled her hair out at times with their decisions and so forth. It was validating.
Heather,
It's good that you checked in. I'm surprised that they didn't start at the bottom of the rung and let the people go who didn't have much time in. I guess they were taking into account that they had people very close to retirement age and wanted to clean house because of the age, time w/the company and yes, they were the ones making the higher salaries. So, now the question is...where do you fall into the scheme of things? Are they now redistributing the work and you will get more or will that work stay within the area of where the people were located?
This particular job was a stepping stone for you. It was there to help motivate you to relocate, find a job outside the home and yes, hone your skills a bit more. Now, it's time for you, Heather, to get your resume together and get it sent out. BTW, I'm still waiting for you to send me a draft so that I can provide you w/some feedback. But, that's up to you as to whether you still want to do so.
I don't blame your daughter...the winter was very cold and snowy. Maybe you need to think about relocating back to Ohio or coming south a bit more. Time to put your thinking cap on and start planning and exploring other areas. Time to pull out a sheet of paper, jot down your choices, then make a list of the pros and cons. You've got some time to really think about what you want to do.
I'm glad to see that you are reaching out for support. This is a huge step in the right direction. If you want to chat, you know where I am.
Good luck!
As far as the recent posts...I appreciate the thoughts and support. I've learned so much on these boards and received so much support.
I'm not sure it's helpful to tell anyone on an Internet forum that they have serious problems. I realize the boards leave a lot of room for conjecture and it's hard to always get a handle on what people are really going through/trying to express.
I can assure you, I'm OK. I've been under a lot of stress. And, I've had some validation from others in real-time that I'm experiencing my own power/value and this may come off, on here, as bitterness. In truth, feeling and expressing that anger has been an awakening for me to accept people for who they are.
The anger comes in waves, like the sadness, and each time, I get a little closer to letting it go.
I realized this week that I don't obsess about Matt anymore. He isn't in my thoughts 24/7. He is on a shelf in my brain, as opposed to being in the spotlight.
I grew up in a very constipated environment where my every feeling and need was either ignored, discredited, belittled, controlled, judged, etc...It was a very, very stifled, abusive childhood. I felt guilty when asking my mother to make me breakfast even at the age of 5 or 6. My needs were never respected or taken seriously.
My parents did their best. And, I'm sure I've passed some of those qualities onto my kids...One of the few ways my parents were able to be there for me, was financially. And, I'm grateful.
And, I know I still have to deal with my dad. Ick.
I've also been living in poverty with a beggar mentality for a long time. That experience didn't blossom in a vacuum. It happened over years and years...It became the norm. Now that I'm smashing the norm, I've needed some anger in order to maintain the energy to keep going. It's also helped by providing some adrenalin to look at my situation with clarity.
I'm accustomed to people telling me, "Heather, this is who you are. These are your limitations. This what you should do. This is what you need to do. This is what you can't even think of doing because you aren't capable."
I've felt for a long time now that the boards could be served with some guidelines/suggestions for posting responses based only on the posting person's experience. There's a lot of "You need to do such-and-such..." These journeys we take are so profound and deep, I'm really beginning to appreciate how each person has a different path with a unique set of issues to face.
In my counseling sessions and out, I'm becoming aware of how important it is to express my feelings and quit beating myself up. I've been in a pressure cooker for 3 years now.I made decisions, good and bad, in an effort to keep moving forward and keep everyone fed and loved...
I wasn't raised in an environment...and I certainly didn't have a marriage, where it was safe for me to express whatever feelings I have.
I learned early to stuff the stress. Even if I handled the stress poorly, my instincts have told me I HAVE to let it out...
The consensus I'm getting...transitions aren't always pretty. I'm emerging from decades of living in a rigid, emotionally-harsh environment to one of my own creation...something more akin to the loving childhood I didn't experience.
I have a lot of issues to work through still. My suggestion to anyone new on the boards...FEEL IT. EXPRESS IT. Whatever you may be feeling, let it out, somehow, someway. Don't stuff it and turn it inward.
Had a weird interaction with my mother...when is there ever a normal interaction with my mother? It was fairly illuminating in terms of our relationship. I think it was helpful in a strange way.
My mother is always on Facebook. So, on Mother's Day, I posted this funny video and a comment to my mother. I kept calling her and reaching out to her to tell her to look.
Finally, at the end of the day, she calls me in tears. She is lonely and missing everyone...I guess Me? I don't know. She is, mainly, however, upset because the high school sweetheart she loved and thought she was reuniting with is seeing someone else and rejected her. She found this out about a year ago. She goes on and on crying to me and how she misses him and all this...
I realized she never looks at my Facebook page. I'm an afterthought. That's fine...before I get the..."Heather, what do you expect..." I get it. That's who she is...
But, have you ever known something in your brain, but weren't able to digest it in your heart? This was one of those times.
She is in her own strange world. And, I'm an afterthought. All these times I've been trying, over and over and over and over, to convince Matt that I'm worthwhile and valuable and worth his effort...I think I've really been trying to convince my mother...who has always had something or someone more important. I share it here because, besides my sister--who I did reach out to, I don't have anyone else who knows my mother or understands our history.
When I met with the counselor with the Asperger's expertise she explained some things that were really helpful in terms of my growth and D12's. She believes I have some strong traits.
As a child, kids on spectrum, more than other children, listen the to "RULES" of life. We take these rules very seriously and accumulate them from friends, family, even TV. Because we take the rules so seriously, we tend to doubt our own perceptions of the world.
So, and I see this with the company in particular, someone does something that is socially or politically a bit difficult to digest...we question. The main clue we usually have as to the reality, is our feelings.
In other words, I have a hard time trusting my own perceptions because I'm used to following a very literal view of the world. I will drive myself into the ground trying to please and fulfill those "rules" until my feelings give me a sound reason to stop. I.E. The company email...even though I've known for months that this company is run by jerks.
Also, people with Asperger traits deal with stress differently. For me, getting out the door to work is a huge ordeal. Tripping on my way out the door is enough for me to feel enormous frustration and "Why God! Why Me!" It's vital for me to express those, even ridiculous feelings of frustration, in order to move forward. Otherwise, those frustrations build and, before I know it, I'm lost in a pity party.
Feel it, express it, move on.
Once I express it...I can't tell you how quickly I get to the moving on stage. But, no matter how silly, bitter, whatever...it's absolutely paramount, that I allow myself to feel it in a safe way...
This board has been, up until recently, my method of letting those feelings out, moving on.
I guess that's why I was a bit surprised when I got these responses that I had serious problems. Here, I had moved forward, even forgotten what I wrote, had this great day and then...I was told, whoa, I'm not as OK as I thought...
I guess I've reached another wave in this process where I'm examining myself and my life experiences in a different way.
I just wish God would put up a Billboard telling me what my purpose is and what to do next. Where to go.
Thank you Job.
We've decided we do not want to go back to Ohio.
I have thought about Asheville. My aunt lives there and I'd be midway between Ohio and my sister.
Still, this area is sooo beautiful. And, I've thought about the other side of the Adirondacks--Lake Champlain? I could network among the publishers of NYC? Be closer to the history we love in New England. I wouldn't have to deal with changing states and Matt's permission and all that.
Yet...The people around here are a bit aloof. I hear that's the New England way? It would be nice to live somewhere that people are more open and friendly like the south.
But, then, am I ruining opportunities I have here? I've met a few book authors and developed relationships...
I've actually made a quite a few friends and some could be good friends.
Starting over somewhere else sounds like so much work. Especially for me.
But, the Adirondacks is desperately poor too and can be depressing.
I love Lake Placid, but we'd have to drive 40 minutes to a Walmart.
There's north and there's a strong homeschool community.
But, I love the mountains. We like lakes and mountains.
Gotta get ready for work.
Why not sit down and make a list of places that you would like to investigate, do some internet searches, and then take some time and chat w/people to see what their views are on the places? No matter where you move, especially in the north, you are going to have cold, snowy weather and that's something you have to take into consideration since your daughter mentioned the weather.
As for losing opportunities w/the people you have developed relationships with? I don't see that as a problem...why? You have the telephone and the internet. You are just a click away from your friends, authors, etc. There are plenty of author that live across the country. There are several right here in my location that write and have their work published in new York. In fact, one who passed away a couple of years ago, only lived 15 miles from me. So, it's not the fact that you have to live right in the area, but it's more of getting into the groove of staying in contact frequently.
Again, this is something you have to think about. I just wanted to provide you w/some examples of people who live in other areas, write up their work and then either hand carry or electronically send their work to publishers for review and hopefully get their articles and books published.
I hope everything works out for you.
I'm afraid I'll make a bad decision :-)
Gotta. Set that aside.
I know I don't want to drive the 7.5 - 9 hours I drive each week now.
Heather,
We all are afraid of making wrong decisions in this life...but we have to try to get out of that mode of thinking in order to move forward. Even if you make a bad decision, you learn from that mistake and will think twice before doing so again.
Just imagine, if Adam had not eaten the apple Eve offered to him, the world would be a perfect place and you know what? It might have just gotten boring after a while. Always remember, no one is perfect, but we do the best we can w/what we have to work with.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes...that's why erasers are on the ends of pencils. Mistakes can be corrected in time.
I'm so glad you are going to counseling sessions. My own counseling (& these boards & Alanon) have been so helpful for me in learning not to be hard on myself. Learning how to let go and not beat myself up over every decision... wow its changed my life.
You are a different person then the woman that came here in 2012. You create newspapers - amazing! You moved and created a new life for you and your daughter.
Career-wise I would let the connections you have made now guide you to your next step. I see a window opening up for you.
Also have you explored web sites to write for? where it doesn't matter where you live.
Hang in there lady, you rock!
Thanks Brook :-) It's like I have my own personal cheerleader.
Back atcha.
The new series with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin was written for the folks on these boards...even though the WAS on the series are much nicer...But, man they grasped the feelings. Strongly suggest. Laugh and cry.
Ok. So, I'm being a bit more organized and less desperate in looking for this next position. D12 and I are jones-ing...absolutely yearning to find the place to settle...a place/job/environment where we can both thrive.
I'm back to filling my ear's with sermons on finding your purpose. Also, I'm using what I learned from the career planning/What Color is Your Parachute pastor.
He suggested I shoot for the moon because I've never allowed myself that. I tend to take what's offered because I don't think I'm worth what I really want, what really makes me happy. I was told to be as specific as I'm able.
He said I can start anywhere, but I need to consider the things D12 and I value most...Some surprised me.
1. I need a magnificent location to thrive. And, I love the mountains. Even on my darkest days here, the daily glory of the mountains/sunrises/sunsets in a rural area have sustained me and calmed me. D12 loves the water like I like the mountains, so I'm looking for somewhere that has both.
2. I want a low cost of living. I did some research and have learned about the areas with the cheapest rents/food/houses...Years of poverty has instilled in me this need for a place where I feel I could support myself on a small budget if necessary.
3. I like having state and national parks nearby because the area is forced to remain rural.
4. A good church and a climate that supports my going weekly without a whole lot of hassle like plowing. I want a decent church nearby. I like Gospel music. Ideally, I'd love to find somewhere near a church T.D. Jakes visits. I'm really not interested in moving to Dallas. Although, Texas has a really low cost-of-living. I would love a church with Gospel. I realize I can't exactly pick a church long-distance...but I've googled some areas to see what's available.
5. I love the snow...but, truthfully, being a single mom with a sometimes/most-of-the-time crazy choc lab, well, the 200 inches of snow may need to go. I need somewhere that our insane dog can easily be walked year-round. One less thing to worry about.
6. No tornadoes or hurricane risks...D12 obsesses about these things and I'd never be able to leave her alone again.
7. I think I'd like to be closer to family. I would like to be closer to my niece who had the suicide attempt...at least close enough she could come and hang out for a week, month, whatever. We are good for her. I'd also like to be closer to my aunt in Asheville...relatively speaking. I love Asheville, but the cost-of-living is a bit high.
8. Would like to be near a university. I like that. I've always wanted to be close to a university.
9. No mowing for a year or two. I need a break from managing a large yard. In the place where we live now, I have nearly as much to mow as I did in Ohio and I'm paying this huge rent. Kinda resent that. Next time. Small or no yard with rent.
So, the places that seem to fit the bill so far...
Knoxville, TN and surrounding rural areas in southern Blue Ridge.
Arkansas has come up...but, I don't know much about it.
Alabama, MS also have come up...areas like Mobile, Biloxi and Oxford seem to fit...but that's really south and no mountains.
D12 wants me to keep the other side of the Adirondacks in the running...Lake Champlain area.
I'm turning over the details that overwhelm me. This is my starting point.
One thing to consider...avoid states that have not signed on with the ACA exchanges. If your concern is to have a low cost of living in case of a downturn in income, you want to be in a state where you can qualify for a health insurance subsidy or Medi-care if necessary.
Also consider average incomes as well as cost of living; cheap housing in a poor area without jobs doesn't do you much good unless you can work remotely.
Have you considered Colorado? The Denver side of the Rockies is dry and has relatively little snow, but the mountains are right there and very accessible. And it's hurricane free and I think tornadoes would be very rare.
Thanks Ellie. I will check!
Anther suggested state is New Hampshire. You get snow, just not the lake affect snow that you get where you are. The white mountains are really incredible for the east coast. You can also go to the ocean for a day trip. The lakes are also great. So you would get ocean, lakes, and some really spectacular mountains.
Thanks Life, I looked up New Hampshire. Nice.
I find myself drawn to western North Carolina.
Need to journal for moment to record some thoughts.
This transition has been chock full of uncertainty. I keep trying to fight God for the driver's seat. Need to back the eff off and allow HIM to drive. I don't have all the answers and that's ok. But, still have to balance this with action and that's the hard part...plus, finding a way to earn AND be a hand's on mom, prepping her to a life of successfully handling herself...Asheville, North Carolina has a really, really strong homeschool community...as opposed to here.
For the last two weeks in the main office, I've noticed the air conditioning is off. Not a good sign. They are saying it's because the system is broken. I'm not buying it. Also, still no ad rep in my office. It's been since January? since I've had anyone here...seriously. No ad rep in this office AT ALL since January.
I awoke with a lot of clarity today. Got issue number 29 out yesterday.
It's also the last day of my period. I'm noticing my PMS symptoms are worse again...not on medication and the stress has played a part. It's always remarkable the difference in how I feel when it lifts. Wish I could feel like this every day. Somehow, that's going to become a reality.
I think having a climate with a sorta steady sameness year-round might be a good idea for me. Terrible SAD has plagued me.
Have been walking for exercise. See a difference when I take supplements.
I'm reading a book on how to create a business plan as a writer. The first question is...
Where does my enjoyable writing meet actual commercial possibility?
I'm a talented feature writer. I'm able to write about virtually anything.
In terms of genres...I wouldn't mind trying romance and I've always wanted to write historical. My mind is overflowing with ideas for features and historical books/articles/childrens books.
Spiritual/Self Help--something I've wanted to explore.
Just thinking aloud.
Oh, and D12 and I dug through old photos the other day looking for something. It was really painful for both of us. So many nice memories and laughter and smiles.
I googled the psychopathic stuff mentioned on some other threads last night. Each time I learn more...I see how Matt's addiction and childhood issues stole this person away.
I clearly see the addiction. So many characteristics are only a part of his personality NOW after years of drug abuse. There were some warning signs, though, early...like the heavy reliance on sarcasm and belittling, inability to be authentic/acting the chameleon depending upon who was around...altering his personality to accommodate the person in front of him.
Still think he was just himself with us though. How sad.
I'm thinking he is probably stuck in "acting mode" in his current lifestyle.
Just had an epiphany...Everything I want and dream of having is right at my fingertips. I just have to reach out and grab it.
Jesus said to him, "Get up, pick up your pallet and walk." Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk. Now it was the Sabbath on that day…
Jesus didn't say...get a new job, move to a new location, do this, do that, lost some weight first, etc... He just said, "Get up."
I get it.
Also, He asked the man to carry his bed...the bed which had held him captive for years, that place became the man's biatch. No longer was he held by that which had enslaved him, now the MAN carried his burden on his own terms...and he walked.
Everything I need to accomplish my dreams is within me. I just have to "Get up, take my experiences with me and walk."
I could use some feedback on this one...
I just received an email from HR.
Good afternoon. We have reached the end of your probationary period effective May 10, 2015. In the last few weeks we have been reviewing the expectations that XXX sent out in February with the added support from XXX and formulating our assessment of your progress. Can you please take a few moments of your time between now and next Tuesday to send me over your assessment on how you feel you have progressed with these expectations? It is important that we get your perspective on this to ensure a complete assessment.
Are you available to meet on Thursday June 4 at 11:00 a.m. here ? XXX (mentoring person) and I would like to meet with you to conclude the probationary period assessment.
Thank you
HR person
Does it sound like I'm getting fired? I don't know anymore...
The timing with the laying off of the department makes me a little nervous.
Heather - this sort of thing is always nerve wracking, but you will be fine. Whatever happens the person you are has so much courage and so many resources.
Sending you warm wishes,
Thanks Bea...
I'm strangely OK.
I know the community has appreciated my efforts, even if the company hasn't been sure.
Part of me is like, "Please fire me...I'm so tired." :-)
Another is finally beginning to see how I could balance this job with some other writing to really make a life for myself and D12.
Putting God in the center. Trusting Him.
Would they have me write a self-assessment if they were going to can me?
Heather,
This assessment request is very typical in some companies. They want to see what you think of your overall assessment. I would sit down and thoroughly review everything that you have been assigned and what you've accomplished since being hired. Be honest, don't gloss over things and you should have a good assessment. This is about you and your accomplishments. Don't point out the flaws in the way that they've handled things...this is all about you.
I won't sugar coat this...but they if they are down sizing, they will review everything in the way of performance, salaries, production, etc. for all employees in all areas. Some employees who are near to retirement will opt to retire or receive a severance package and go. Others will be let go and may or may not receive severance packages depending upon what has been determined by upper management and the length of service in their company. So, yes, they can still let you go even if they are requesting the self assessment. They may review it and determine that you've not reached the potential that they were expecting.
No matter what transpires, you will be okay. You've grown throughout this process, but I would still have my resume ready and starting send it out to potential companies.
Just watched Amy Shumer on YouTube..."Last eff-able day"...only with the actual word. Not to offend anyone, but it's sorta how I feel today. The skit is about Julia L. Dr hitting the age where Hollywood doesn't consider her "sexy" anymore.
Feeling a bit old and obsolete today. Forester has disappeared into a hole again...
I think I will go take a walk.
Dear Heather - this is what happens when we depend on others to validate us. I did some work a couple of years back with a man who had a relationship with a lady he called his 'sizzlerina'
She was a lot older than me and he considered her totally glamorous and wonderful
You are much younger than me and I am certainly not old and obsolete!!
Thanks Bea...yes, I've always been guilty of looking to others for my value. When I get quiet in myself, I feel my value now though.. More than ever.
Didn't help that we went through a bunch of family photos last weekend and I saw what I used to look like. This year has taken a toll with stress. My skin is in a constant breakout and I've gained weight, plus some grey hair. Plus, I'm so damned tired.
The pastor I met with said these are symptoms of my not doing what God wants for me. The job seems to deplete me more than energize me. I think this meeting at work is coming at a good time.
Why do I always find myself in situation s where I plod on like a good soldier despite the price I pay personally? Did the same thing in my marriage. D12 and I have been miserable, but I keep plodding along, doubting I could find so etching better.
D12 and I are so tired of each other.
I do what I think I SHOULD do.
Met with this artsy entrepreneur woman yesterday. She ain't rich, but I felt totally energized listening to her.
My life is very out of balance right now.
I need to right the ship.
Heather, looking at the old photos and realizing that you are not as young anymore is just a part of live, getting older. I feel the same way. I look at the mirror and see a different person from even 2 years ago. I think stress and a frequent drinking (I’ve parting a lot more) took some tall on me. Though I still get compliments on my looks and how much younger I look considering my age. I’m sure there is a right man for me out there, who will like me the way I am.
I wish you lot of luck at your assessment meeting next week. I think you will do just fine. Just keep your head high and be confident about what you’ve done for the company. You’ve done some great work there, so don’t let them make you feel any different. Nobody is perfect, and everybody makes some mistakes here and there. I think that you are amazing. I know that there are a lot of people on this site who think the same.
Just make sure you take some rest this weekend. Take care of yourself. One step at a time on everything else
.
Navigating the political minefields at work does take a toll. I know that this kind of stress starts to make you question everything to the point of paranoia. Job is right though that right now just being honest and focused is the best approach. You will be able to feel content that you walked the high road no matter what happens.
Sending good juju your way. Hang in there.
Thanks so much for the support.
I went for a two-mile hike, had some much-needed time away from D12 and have had an "awakening" about the meeting at work.
First off, D12 made some friends! Hallelujah, bring in the choir.
We don't have any girls her age in our neighborhood, but we DO have some three or four boys her age. I've been pushing her to try to and get to know them. She was busy in the garage yesterday and it started raining. The boys came into the garage for shelter and "BaBam!" ...friends :-) They ended up playing board games in the garage with two smaller boys who wondered in and the younger girl who lives down the street.
Now...as far as work...I see what the meeting is about now and I kinda want to tell em to go eat ...., but I won't. Office politics at its best. Listen to the story now...
There's this weanie editor. Big TIME WEANIE. Lives with his mother, the whole ba-bam. Anyway, he asked me out the first week or so I started working for the company. I thought it was business, but when he approached me and started talking "fancy restaurant" I realized it was more. I snipped that proposal in an instant. NOT gonna happen. He's been a bit aloof ever since. Happens to live in the area I cover and sees himself as the expert on this area. True, his family line goes way back in this sorta shid-hole, poverty-stricken town, but whatever.
He knows I'm on probation. I think he and the guy who has been mentoring me are sorta friends? I'm not sure. Still can't get a good read on this mentor. He may be a weanie too. Well, there was an event last week and the Weanie number one wanted photos for his magazine. Turns out he had to pick his mother up from the airport.
I was asked if I was going, I said "Yep."
So, I go and I take about a million pics. I made one phone call before I left to big Weanie to ask if there was anything special he wanted. But, I didn't go out of my way. The word around town is that Big Weanie doesn't like going to events, who does?...and I didn't want to set a precedent where I'm doing his shid. He seems like a real schmoozy type...always standing around the pretty girls in the office...but, I think he is well-liked among some of the senior staff...remember, I'm in an newspaper and it's a good-ol' boys club to the enth-degree.
So, I took the photos. My photos weren't all that great because I have a lousy camera and the lighting was terrible. Another woman was there who had a better camera and I ended up using her submitted photo for my front page. The mentoring editor questioned this and asked why a submitted photo...read between the lines, "Did you go to the event?" Kinda pi$$ed me off, but whatever. Told him the truth. I have tons of photos, but mine are orange. Then, I made sure to use a couple of the better ones on the inside pages.
Thursday or Friday, I get this email from Big W. He asks for the photos in a not very nice way and he CC's the mentoring editor. This really pi$$es me off. I'm doing a favor for HIM. He asks with an attitude and...there are about a million other ways he could have reached out to me...
So, I go through the 15-20 or so pics and I explain in a return email how some of mine weren't so great and why the cover photo was from someone else, but here's what I have. He responds and must not have read the last part with an even harsher tone with a note about how photoshop will take out the crap in my photos...all CC to mentor.
I send each photo separately with a CC to mentor editor. At the end, I add one sentence...I don't have photoshop. :-)
I've painstakingly put out 40? editions now. Forty. I still haven't been hired. They can bite my a$$.
The meeting this week is not just about this event. It is about your lengthy probation and to see where you are at right now and to get your feedback to compare to their feedback on your progress. Businesses have assessments at the end of probations. It gives both parties a reality check as to where the employee is after so many months.
If they want you to take photos, then they should be providing you w/a good camera to use, since it's paper related.
I hate to say this...but they think you aren't doing some of the work and getting others to do it for you. I think this mentality goes back to when you had a story and didn't recognize the person who wrote it or some such back in the winter. Mistakes happen, but there are some humans that will hold such mistakes against you even though they were just mistakes.
Well, it will be interesting to see how your assessment goes. I do hope it goes well for you.
Honestly, Job, I don't think so.
I received the email about meeting within a few hours of the whole picture issue.
I think they may be concerned I'm not attending the gov't meetings/civic meetings like they'd like which is true. I live about 40 minutes away and I'm just not.
Mainly, the sense I get is that the email/picture incident got them realizing they need to deal with this issue. I've been put off a lot. And, I still think they are unsure what to do about me. I'm not their stellar employee, but the community likes me.
As far as the incident with the other reporter. I was at my wit's end at the time and I haven't heard them question my ethics since. I rewrote the beginning of the story, which was something I had been given their blessing to do, but didn't give the other reporter credit at the end like I should have--I, honestly, forgot to because I had been trying like mad to keep up with everything else. Nothing remotely like that ever happened again. I apologized to the other reporter and it was a one-shot deal.
Truthfully, in my opinion, this weanie editor pointed out what happened with the pics and I will get a talking to...also, they sense my frustration and realize they need to deal with this probation.
I'm actually wondering what would happen if I asked to be demoted to part-time. I don't hate this job, but would love to be able to balance it with some freelance work. I've got too much on my plate and I wouldn't mind the chance to keep writing features for this paper, with some freelance work on the side. I don't know. Just thinking aloud.
Heather,
Here's my suggestion...get some free lance work under your belt and out there with income coming in and then ask about going part time. You need to have some income coming in from "another source" as a cushion until you are making more in that department. It takes time to make a name for yourself and gain some followers who want to read your articles. You don't want to stretch yourself too thin when it comes to money for your finances, etc.
I think it's a good idea...but you've got to have a monetary cushion before jumping off the pier.
Ok. I'm friends with the landlady of my office building. They have been late for the past 3 months or so. One time, they were really late.
I've been looking jobs elsewhere, but I just don't have the energy or resources right now to move. As much as I'd love to avoid another winter here.
One thing I feel confident in...I've done a good job with this little paper. I've featured the good news. In my opinion, as editor, this community can get their news from the daily and they do. Seems like every resident has a subscription to the daily. What the community wants is some good news. More than 60% of the kids in this area are eligible for assisted lunches. Families are doubling up in rentals and homes because they can't afford the mortgage or rents. It's troubling. They want some good stuff to see in the paper.
I will relate this in the meeting.
Off to try a new church. Thanks Job :-)
I was really down in the dumps today. I was even crabby to this really nice, cute man who paid me all these compliments on an online dating site. He lives in California and is only here for business. I blew him off. But, he was really nice.
I can't make a dammmed decision for my life. I feel like all I've been doing for the past 8 months...make that 3 years...is make life-altering decisions. I'm sick of it. I want to settle down, enjoy my life, enjoy my daughter and just freakin relax already.
I think the meeting this week and the 8 months of uncertainty with my situation has gotten to me. And, I'm scared. But, a bit relieved that I'm finally at a stage where I have to make a decision.
I don't think UP UP State NY is the place for us. But, what if???
Welcome to my brain.
And, it's been 8 months of this!! Constant questions running through my head. One minute, I'm full steam ahead, let's make this work in NY. I will be the best editor in Upstate NY. Then, I switch gears and realize how much I hate this job...Then, my brain switches again...Oh, it's not too bad. The community likes me! "They like me!!" Then, Tough it out Heather. You can do this! Then, Jeez, this company su--s. They're crazy with all that's expected. Heather, you're killing yourself and you're miserable. But! What if I'm making a mistake and ruining a great opportunity...BAH! This company is stupid.
I kinda feel like I'm doing what my daughter is doing at 20 years old. I'm figuring out what I want in life at 46. Actually, I think I always had it figured out, it was the acting upon it I've always struggled with...
If it was just me to worry about, it would be no big deal. I'd move to Asheville, NC in a heartbeat and build up writing clients and live on nothing until I became established. But, I have this person counting on me to create a decent home. I feel so behind and old.
D12 wants the heck outta here. Doesn't want another winter. Wants to be somewhere that homeschooling isn't considered freakish.
Sorry for the downer. It's where I'm at today. Bummed.
Good News though...I took the time yesterday and this morning to listen to some podcasts by writers I love and admire. I also got out my worn copy of Stephen King's On Writing--not much of a fan of his writing, but love his advice on writing. I see the path clearly...but, is it too late.
In King's book, he actually talks about how, when he was teaching school to make ends meet, he halted in his tracks because his worst fear...get this...HIS WORST FEAR...would be to near 50 years old or 60 and still be living in a double wide and broke. That's me!
Ok. I'm not living in a double wide...but, if I leave this job or lose it...that's where I'd be. But, finally, giving myself permission to write what I feel passionate about...
Then, I think. Would that be so bad? Part of me longs to start from where you're supposed to start...To finally be authentic to ME. Finding a clean, liveable, but cheap place in Asheville and work my way up.
I don't know. My brain is a mess today. Much like the weather here.
And, I want my skin to clear up and lose a few of these stress pounds and have time to enjoy. Just enjoy.
I don't care if I'm working at Target or Walmart or wherever. I WANT TO ENJOY MY LIFE ALREADY.
My jaw is clicking. I've always been a teeth grinder and it's been terrible these past months. I need a new mouth guard.
Heather,
When it comes to this meeting and really anything about work, just think to yourself " What's the worst they can do to me?" They can't kill you, throw you in prison, or any other extreme thing you can think of. The worst they can do is fire you. If its at that point, you probably would not be too upset any how. You may even feel a sense of relief that it is over. Life will always go on because work is not life. So, don't sweat it, they are going to do what they are going to do and you will always find a way to continue moving forward.
Thanks Life. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something differently? Did I screw up this opportunity? Have I just messed ip D12's life forever?"
I feel a bit the way I did when Matt left and still struggle with from time-to-time. Did I just screw up my opportunity for happiness. Which, I know, is a bit silly, but it's there.
I know I'd be happier and less stressed without this position. I've known that from the beginning when I began to see how incompatible this company and I are.
I've had a few moments knock on my door this week which I think are key to getting through this situation...
One, there was Bea's remark that I'm still looking for outside validation. I see it in everything I do. I seem to be desperately looking for someone or some job to tell me I'm valuable.
And...I did a feature story this week on a woman who was leaving a Tim McGraw concert and was in a terrible car accident. She lost her ability to walk. She is, remarkably, nicer to be around than she was before the accident. She and her husband get along better. She was a bit of a control freak and the accident made her aware of what is really important.
And...A friend back home...Someone I used to call my best friend...has lost her ability to walk. This is a woman who planned everything. I was always very jealous of how she had a job as a dental hygienist and earned this great money working part-time. She was the wife Matt wished he had.
Anyway, she was diagnosed with MS years ago and we were friends through much of it. We lost touch in the past year. I learned a week ago how she can't walk any longer. She is in a wheelchair. Her husband is alcoholic and a rager.
It's not so much that I'm counting my blessings, although I am...It's more, for me, realizing life rarely turns out as we expect. I had a lot of expectations coming to this job and state. Maybe that's where I need some adjustments. Maybe I need to let go and release the expectations. IDK.
Hi Heather,
I really don't have anything to add, but I do know that every time that I was fired from a job or quit a job, I almost always ended up with a better one. Don't stress. (I know....easier said than done.) Things will eventually work out. They always do.
Take care.
Tad
Thinking of you Heather and sending you good thoughts.
Thanks so much :-)
Turned in my self-eval. I was overthinking it. So, I thought about it for days and, then, gave myself a short amount of time to put it into print. I'm satisfied with what I wrote. Although, I think there are other areas I could have tooted my own horn.
I think what I need here is perspective.
Yesterday went OK. In some ways really well. I actually left the main office thinking maybe I was in much better shape than I thought. Maybe I was overreacting? Not the first time.
One thing that's hard about this job is the isolation. I work in an office of one...me. So, I never get to really get a feel for how I'm doing based upon my interactions with others. I could get an email from my supervisor where he has attitude, but I don't see that maybe he had a stressful morning previous to sending the email. Does this make sense? For someone who is already terrible with office politics and relies on my instinct/visual perceptions strongly...well, I can get it wrong. But, I don't know?
I sit in my sad little office alone, except for the one day of the week where I go to the main office and interact.
Still...I woke up this morning thinking of something Matt said the last time we interacted--over a month ago. I was having a moment of clarity myself where I felt I needed to offer my apologies for NOT getting how stressed he was, having the burden of ALL the finances on his shoulders. I get that now in a much different way since he left. Anyway. I told him that I was sorry I looked to him to be this parent of sorts, as opposed to a partner.
I wasn't expecting anything really. Just the chance to say, "I get that this wasn't all you."
He responded with..."It's all water under the bridge Heath" (HATE when he calls me Heath)..."I'm just sorry it took so much B.S. to get you there."
"To get me there?" Like this was all some orchestrated plan to "GET" Heather into some grown up panties?
I bring it up because, my initial reaction was one of guilt. "He's right. I was a terrible wife. Maybe he was just at his wit's end and all of this is somehow for the best."
I took that one comment and aimed it directly at my self-esteem.
This is where I lack decent perspective. I have one good day at the office and I begin to wonder if I'm wrong about EVERYTHING?
I'm not. I need to hang onto that. There are always things I could do better and there are things where I've been outstanding, especially given the pressure. This company hasn't been allllll bad and there are areas where it's been terrible. This isn't a black and white situation.
Bottom Line: When I looked at the criteria that they wanted me to self-evaluate...it was a bit silly in terms of all they expect. Remember the list I was given? I can't imagine there is another employee at this company expected to pull alllll of that off. I know there isn't.
Also, this has been a terrible situation for D12. I need to factor this in too. I've been so busy trying to fulfill their long-a$$ list that we just haven't had a life. We need a life.
Ok. I think some perspective is back. Thanks for listening.
Perused some more jobs with my morning cup of coffee.
Oh, and Bea, if you are listening...I think Matt's response to my apology was really interesting in light of your sociopath research :-)
It was a sorta...I'm master of the Universe, a GOD if-you-will, and I'm orchestrating good and bad in light of what is best for everyone involved---even if it means I have to make huge sacrifices for the GOOD.
Seriously. Is it just me? Or, is there this thread of martyrdom? I've felt it before. This idea that he placed himself on the cross to "GET" Heather moving. Ewwww. That makes me a little sick to my stomach.
When I thought about it later, it occurred to me that, if it had been the other way around, I KNOW I would have responded with "I'm sorry too."
Just thought it was another interesting insight into the mind of a loon :-)
Heather,
I guess I have interpreted Matt's comment to you a bit differently. Here's what I came away w/after reading your posting.
Matt's comment: "I'm just sorry it took so much B.S. to get you there."
My take on that comment is that it took a lot of time and BS to get you to finally open your eyes and understand what it took for him to be a provider and what he had to deal w/on a day-to-day basis when living under the same roof w/a wife and two young daughters and then coming home. I get the impression that he didn't share a lot of what went on his every day world and the pressure he was under to perform and be the all he could be for the company as well as coming home to a family. Maybe he felt like you were in your own safe, little world being a mother and wife and not out there facing the cold, cruel world each and every day and wouldn't understand what it takes to do that. Maybe he thought he couldn't talk to you about such things because you wouldn't understand because you were at home taking care of the house and focused on the girls.
I think he's glad that you have finally gotten out of the home and working in the real world. He's happy that you now can fully understand what it takes to be a parent, run a home, take care of your daughter and yes work a full time job. He's happy that you can finally understand what it is to be the only one working outside the home, and yet, have all of the responsibilities put upon you to do things and try to do them right when you come home in the evenings.
Maybe both of you had high expectations as to what each of you would bring to the table in the marriage when those expectations weren't met, the communications between the two of you went south.
Again, this is just my opinion of what Matt meant and I don't think it was a bad comment at all.
HI, glad you are OK - regarding the comment from your xh (is it finalised?)
I think it is a mix of entitlement/grandiosity sociopathic type behaviour and I also think it is a way for them to feel less guilty.
A couple of years back I got the same type of thing from my xh - that I am in a better place because of him. Now he is beginning to at least admit that he hurt people (including me).
It is hard for fragile people to move through the world. They don't have the mechanisms that are developed as a normal part of growing up and living life. Doesn't make what they do any less awful for us, but it helps to see that they do not have the responses that most of us do, or the resources to fall back on.
Thanks Job and Bea,
I think there are some elements of all of the above.
Yes, I didn't understand what he was dealing with in the outside world. I agree. He must have felt very alone. But, he also used the situation, and I know this in my bones, to justify his drug use. If his wife was a deadbeat, then he felt he had the right to do drugs because he deserved the break.
I also know I have a tendency to take on wayyyy too much responsibility for things that aren't always mine to own. I have apologized for work issue until the cows come home and back and then back to the moon again. And, I think I've made up for it several times over.
And, that's where I think his fragile, addicted mind comes into play...he has rewritten history in that he has deleted the years I did work, up until D12 was 2 and, then, because her problems were dominating our lives and he refused to watch her in the evenings any longer because he couldn't handle her, I quit my job to be home with our special needs daughter. The reality was something he never fully embraced. He was also never there when I needed him to help me parent her. He simply didn't have the maturity, patience or whatever to handle a very difficult child. I remember one counselor (one of the many) telling me...in my 30 years, she is one of the hardest children I've ever had the privilege to know.
So, there's that. I took the brunt of parenting, while he was in the outside world. I remember wishing, at the time, for a partner who appreciated how hard it was to get up and do what I did day-in-and-day out. I wasn't home eating bonbons like he has depicted.
Plus, I hear the grandiosity of an alcoholic justifying his behavior.
Back to the perspective. It's complicated.
Epiphany this morning. It's not just finding a job I can do. It has to be a job that meshes with my lifestyle and parenting situation. I can DO the job I have...and I could do it stellar...if I didn't have to parent. But, I do and I need to find something that works in all arenas of my life.
No, the divorce isn't finalized.
Have you thought about submitting your resume to an employment agency? There may be jobs out there that would allow you to work from home every day or not have as much responsibility. Looking at the classifieds is okay, but you have to also think about networking w/people in the community. Turn every stone over and you might be pleasantly surprised that the one stone you've not turned over is the one that will have the job opportunity you are looking for.
Job,
I just sent you my resume with some thoughts on how to handle the "Why are looking after 8 months?"
I've been looking on journalism/book publishing and nonprofit job sites. I'm actually seeing quite a few things which could work. I will look into the employment agency idea.
I may use my aunt as an excuse. "I have this aunt without children in Asheville and she has asked me to move closer. She has offered to help with my daughter."
All true. Plus, she has an alcoholic husband who is verbally abusive and could some support. I could use some support with D12...but, we won't mention that :-)
Received an email this morning that we are back to my sending my story list to the mentoring editor AND the managing editor. No explanation. Did my self-eval touch a nerve? IDK. Another wave of panic hit, mainly because I never get an explanation.
I'm looking at all these jobs that require some heavy lifting. I think I'm really looking for something that would come a bit easily so I can have a chance to regroup and breathe. I'm attracted to positions with more money and more power, but I might be better off with something less as opposed to more, right now.
A chance to regroup, breathe, get settled somewhere and, then, build from there sounds glorious.
That helps. I don't want to be in a position where I'm in charge of a million things. I wish I had listened to that inner voice when I took this job. But, still, I have loads of experience now.
I have reviewed what you sent to me and I have responded and attached a copy of a sample resume that you may want to review and consider using the format when applying for positions.
Don't make excuses for applying for positions elsewhere. Be honest with potential employers. Honesty is the best policy and trust me, if you aren't, eventually the truth will come out in the light of day.
As for jobs, you look for something that you can handle. Generally, the more money you make, the more responsibility you will take on. For now, look for something that can accommodate your special needs, i.e., around your home life situation. Nothing says you can't inquire about a raise once you've been on the job 6 months or so.
You know, I think it's a problem with men of my generation, and men of yours - that homemaking became de-valued and they expected a wife who worked full time and YET, still relieved them of primary parenting duties at home.
In the old days, a real MAN was proud to take care of his family and support his wife at home if needed, because there was more respect for the tough jobs of child-rearing and home-making.
You made the right choice for your child.
I've been both a working mom and a SAHM with 3 high maintenance kids. Working outside the home was WAY easier than homemaking. If I had had a wife like me to take care of the kids and home, while I went off to work, I'd be famous in my field by now!!! Yet my ex always imagined I was home eating bon bons and watching soaps (AS IF!!!).
Thanks K :-) That means a lot.
Still stings when he makes comments that allude to my being the lesser, more selfish, more immature and he was just, as he put it, "at my wit's end."
It really wasn't fair and I probably shouldn't have apologized again. Still a raw nerve there.
I don't think it occurred to me until much later that he could have reacted with support as opposed to making things harder. Since then, I've run into men who are huge supports to their Autistic/Asperger's kids. Have started meetups and the like even.
I made huge strides with D12 when I stopped working. It took years and several professionals, but I slowly unraveled what was going on with her and found her the help we needed. When I couldn't afford the services, I provided them.
I'm proud of what I accomplished and somehow managed to parent D20 too. I was a good mom. I think that's what's killed me with this job. I haven't been there for D12 in a way she needs.
I was so proud when they tested D12 a year after I began homeschooling and her scores had risen to "remarkable" levels in all areas. That's what motivated me to tutor.
I got the job. Probation is over.
Alleluia!
Congratulations! It's been a long, difficult and frustrating road for you. So, what are they proposing to have you do? The same work or will you now get a small staff?
Yes it has. I'm not sure how I feel? No more money, but I didn't expect any. Didn't ask. If I stay a year, then I will ask.
We talked about how to lighten the load with maybe a part-time receptionist and some support from the daily reporters. I was clear that I'm really tired and need something to give here.
I had prepared myself for the bomb, so I'm digesting the information. I had already put out some resumes already and found this cute, AFFORDABLE apartment in the Finger Lakes...soo????
But, if I stick it out here with some support to make things easier. I could rock this with some support in areas where I'm weak and I think they see that. I also HAVE to get D12 settled.
It's been exhausting. I'm very proud of D12 and I for seeing this through. Even had they fired me, I'm so proud of us.
Need to start a new thread.
You should be proud of yourself. You've had a lot to deal w/the last 8 months, as well as those "staff meetings" whereby you never knew what was coming next.
You can continue to send out resumes and if something more appealing comes along, you can always given them several weeks notice and go on to the new position. Nothing says you have to stay there another year or so.
I do hope that they will give you some support. A one person office w/the responsibilities that they laid on you is impossible and they know it. Let's see what they do in the coming months. Actions always speak louder than words.