Hi, all. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Although I’ve been reading many, I’ve been pretty quiet about my own sitch.
The kids are still doing great. Twins are out living their lives and figuring things out as they go, like many normal 18 year olds. S16 still thriving at school, same with D14, as much as a middle schooler can, I suppose….(eek). She has learned so much in the way of communication and boundaries. She will be far ahead of where I was at her age.
Work is still going well. I make far less than I used to, so adjustments continue to be made. One of those is the car I currently drive, which is in H name. I will be purchasing a used car and have payments that are less than half of what I pay now. H is getting his car back, and will get to figure out what to do with 2 car payments.
. His problem, not mine.
H is still very much in lala land. A few weeks back, he began pushing me to find a car, and he became rude and impatient. He told me "enough is enough with the stalling. Get what you want out of it. I'm coming to get it asap."
I calmly reminded him how long it took us to find a used car for my S, and he backed off a little. I had to repeat things such as, “As I already mentioned in my last email, I will not be able to buy a car until x date at the very soonest. I am not being ugly. It is simply my schedule.”
That was followed by a day of friendly texts.
Then a few days later, he was in a frenzy to have me answer texts regarding the D papers he was working on. (He started these papers in July.) This will be the third or fourth time he has brought this up.
He is still being very reasonable with regards to splitting finances, retirements, etc. It is important to him that I don’t tell people he took my money. Ok. THAT’s your biggest concern…..whatever.
He still sees things as my fault, and continues to repeat the mantra, “too much damage has been done” with me favoring my kids over his adult son. That is the most recent and convenient excuse he has stuck to, although not the original one.
He still suffers from some eye thing and had to have draining and laser stuff done because he has a big blind spot. He looks old. He had a ton of thick, wavy hair, even a year ago. Now it's receding quite rapidly. His skin is gray He is very thin.
He says he spends entire days working on music. I do not snoop at all. I really don't want to know what he does and who with. I have a feeling he is still seeing someone, just because I don't believe he is capable of being alone.
One day after his eye procedure, I stopped by his apartment. He had a nice amount of cash to give me from one of our accounts. I brought over some home- made stew, and offered it with no expectations, just keeping things civil until all financial business is done. He made a comment, one of those half-joking ones.... He asked if I poisoned the stew.
Interesting thing....why would I poison the stew if he hadn't done anything wrong??
That was the first SLIGHTEST INKLING of him acknowledging guilt. He has so far to go. My response was, "dangit!! I would have if I had thought of it. Next time for sure."
He said that we will never see things the same and because of that, we can’t be together….. (funny, I thought we were two separate people….If he can find someone who sees EVERYTHING the same way he does, he will be dating himself.)
After we agreed on a few things, and he asked me to review the papers on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I agreed to do it on Thursday.
Annnnnnnnddd…….yep. He went dark. Never heard back regarding D papers the rest of the week. Twilight Zone, huh, uR?
Friday he sent a text asking an update on the car. I found one, but the seller has it in the shop until this week. That’s the last I heard from H.
I’m doing well overall. I seem to have hit another cycling of grieving….more sadness, and mostly at night. I do miss the good parts of our old, old, long-gone life.
Also, I have decided for myself, that I am in no way shape or form ready for a R. I’m still not dating. I have gone out with groups of friends, mostly parents of my kids’ friends.
I’m ok being alone for now. Forever, if need be, really. Not my preference, but if it’s a choice between being alone or settling and going through this again? Oh, heccks no.
So, it looks like my story will have another chapter that goes to D. I won’t lie to myself and say it won’t hurt. I also won’t lie to myself and say we could reconcile. Aaahhhhhnope.
For now, I keep living, keep digging, and keep dreaming. And some nights….keep crying and feeling what I’m supposed to feel.
Because I’m not doing this again.
((Hugs)) to all that are here, in pain, and posting. I am looking forward to having the energy again to pay it forward.