Posted By: nero NERO- "journey" continues - 01/05/15 04:45 PM
I think this is a new thread for me.

I was just reading someone's new postings- It made me remember beginnning here and how awful life was - in living color. i am so glad it's behind me. i cannot imagine ever being so hurt or dopey ever again in life (fingers crossed).

- i think it's almost 4 yrs later - i'll be 64 in feb - i'm sooooo changed (better i hope) idk - i'm so grateful i feel better on a daily basis. and that's about it for me. pitifully small & huge progress - at same time. even when i'm having a bad day- it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

I wanted to say today- that i would not recommend anyone ever go look back at my threads, unless you want to be serioyusly bored and depressed. i'm not kidding.

i have not, and shudder to think of how pitiful and embarrassing they probably were. i cannot bring myself to go back there - to that point in my life.

I am still dbing - of a sort. only hope that i'll continue to feel better every year - no real hope that h may "snap out of it". we are and have morphed- into who/what - idk.

i have less idea than ever where it will all end & when and even maybe why . i may have lost all expectations because i don't know what it is that i want other than loosely to feel loved and happy (like olden days). alone or with someone idk that either. i just want the feelings (ideally).

a bit of peace of mind please...

who or what or how to flesh that out- idk either. I still try to embraced one day at a time - mlc aside, all the deaths in my families in last five years have helped change me too. some days good, some bad - none as painful as a year ago- or two or three.

soooo- progress. I can garden, sew & do some painting with enthusiasm - in beginning i hated everything i loved - nothing brought me pleasure- trash - all of it . so yay

lifestyle is sos - we still live together on and off- here in nj and there in fl- and him back & forth. wierd and not making me happy- but status quo at this time. i am grateful for lack of hostility & trauma in life this minute. (see- don't even want to assume peace will last)

i feel like a different person - less idealistic & romantic - more shell shocked. she was okay tho- maybe still down there somewhere?

so i'm outta here - i don't think i even have a new year resolution other than re-lose that 6 lb from november.

now, where are those cookies - kidding....

xxoo thanks anyone out there for all your input over the years. my personal journey isn't over. i have no idea about h - or me (who are these people?) it's still a waiting game or crap shoot or whatever.

I sure couldn't have done it alone- if it all goes bellyup tomorrow - it did/& does matter i think to give dbing a try - to endeavor to plod on thru the bad times & stand up & be counted for what we believe. - we'll see huh?

Posted By: Cadet Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/06/15 08:03 AM
I just hope you have learned some boundaries and are willing to enforce them.

Our journies never end until they put us away in a box in the ground.

Thanks for continuing to post.
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/06/15 09:58 AM
I'm still out here Nero. Periodically smile

You sound pretty calm and peaceful and contented; has all the craziness over your mom's estate finally subsided?? You've been thru an awful LOT this past year, m poor friend, and it sounds like nothing has really changed with G. Still commuting between NJ and FL? I remain convinced that he is not seeing his OW any longer, and it sounds like he is still acting kind and somewhat supportive, is that right? I guess feeling "loosely loved" is better than feeling disrespected, discarded, and despised (I'm amusing myself with a bit of alliteration at 5 am LOL), but is it enough for you?

It's crummy that you feel the innocence and romance are gone, I think all the crap we've gone thru can leave us a bit cynical. Only to be expected huh? Oh no, no expectations are permitted LOL. I have heard that is sort of a secret for living a happy life - to never expect anything so that when something awesome happens, it's a lovely surprise. I however always expect something wonderful and awesome to happen, and you know what, it does!

Happy new year, I hope that all of your hopes and dreams come true, that no weeds grow in that beautiful garden of yours, and that you have plenty of time and money to pursue the crafts you love. I'd love to see you again, and know UR would too, what do you say? Would you like some company?
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/07/15 03:44 PM
hey hi-

it was soooo good to talk to you. Hearing you soooo happy has perked up my life somehow - it's contageous - happiness. I'm so glad for you. i couldn't find you or dawn here on forum. you've got me thinking - (shot back up to top from bottom t0 say - you'llllll be sorry you asked?) ta da:

I guess feeling "loosely loved" is better than feeling disrespected, discarded, and despised ..., but is it enough for you?

nah - it's not really (enough or ideal) , but still better than NOTHING at all. maybe because i've "shared" every single thing in my life, mother's "love", socks, everything with four other kids - i've learned you don't have to like it- you just have to do it.

I am disgusted with ow sitch- but i don't feel inclined to suffer thru the work of going it alone. first i felt tooooooo "weak" to even think of it (I do believe mwd was and is right- if i said pick one, he'd pick her). And now, i don't pretend to know what i'm doing - biding my time i guess. regain my me-ness, feeling more like old self - still "regrouping" still loath to live wwithout any "pack" - even a lousy-ish one ) . (WELL, plus wierd "tie" to person i've spent my entire adult life with).. there's still that. he stays - and so do it. what are we doing? who knows?.)

I think the slacking off of his constant criicism, and looking for a fight, and air of dissatisfaction with me allllllllllllllllllllllll the time has contributed to my footdragging. He does not gaze at me with love- but we are lately peaceful and companionable and very very small-ly, occasionally - bordering on affectionate and i can live with it for the time being. (when i can't - i'll run i guess)

Hugely also - After watching linda & mom die, (and h's step mom, dad & aunt in last 7 yrs) the process, the sad reality of people and their pain & lonliness - scared - in pain - dying - the futility of suffering and all the bs of "having pride" in life. Or feeling compelled to have an image - or be anything other than what you are- - - i don't dislike what & who i am to be a weenford. I never said i was brave. i'm just a girl..

but as with every single thing in life - who says "we all get to have just what we want (need) all the time." It has always been a moderating thought in my entire life. I can remember thinking it back in school, as a kid, as an adult. I don't know if i'm dopey or wise or learned young that it's best to "make do" and be grateful for what you had. We certainly were not a family that was rich - nothing in my life was ever "extravagant" - but i was always pretty much "happy" and grateful anything "extra" was always a treat.

my life with r is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more "privileged" than any time else - ever. the freedom & ease it gives me - not to mention SOMEONE "sharing the load" in life - i am mentally and physically "addicted" i think to him and it.

see why i'm sooooo understanding of people who smoke - drink- shackled with an addiction that's (maybe) "killing them" even - physically or mentally- yet cannot bring themselves to break free & give it up???

it is not "killing" me or my spirit - btw. maybe it's nothing more than laziness - or incredible blind loyalty- now i don't know anymore - nor do i care today.

I ONLY WANT ABSENCE OF CHANGE, WORRY, RESPONSIBILITY, ALONENESS AS IN NO-ONE AT ALL - ANGER & SPEW - DEATH, SICNKESS, GREED (YIKES), ETC. (my very little world has been soooo rocked around last bunch of years- i am happy this minute sitting in my window with the geranium i saved and brought in, now blooming - snow on ground- xmas tree looks nice and at this one minute - i do not feel any worry or care - at all). hey- i'm probbly having a breakdown and don't even know it - after my sister & friend having their total psychotic breakdowns in my face- who the heck says it couldn't happen to me? Even with my neurotic need to de-junk my life - nagging at me- i just don't care rite now....

I just do not have the gumption to "do it to myself". i just can't - i cannot swallow one more change of personnel - one more person "checking out permanently" (even permanently feeling). soooo ta da - here i sit & glad to feel it. (or not feel anything)

I seeem to lack the "shooting for the moon" mentality. I am just "everyman or anyman" , why would or should the world hold something sooooooo magnificantly different for me than anyone else?

I love my solitude, and i am fearful of total commitment, but I am happiest when i have notion i'm a "part" of something. i guess - even something not "great" - is better than nothing. Ya know, i really miss my "pack" family. Even if it was only my self-delusion (the closeness) and i think now it was - i still miss that addiction. the notion of "happy family" - part of the gang. what a total wah -wah baby i sound like. oh well- this being human stinks...

i shudder to think how i sound- but i'm outta here. i really do need to go piddle with that tax form- and quit crying about it. i've become a big baby in life - and i do let h "daddy me" - lots of neurosis here - not goin down that road - more coffee please - wish i had a christmas cookie - i'd kill for some....

xxoo love ya man and soooooo glad for your happiness.
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/07/15 04:10 PM
hey hi-

thanks for note- ya know, i'm bad with whole concept of "boundary" - and i'm not sure i even know about them much rite now. i'm still feeling too "battered" (as in dipped, & fried) - to care rite now how i appear - but I just can't think what boundary i should be having.

i'm a person alllll out there and spread allover teh place. I don't have secrets and places in my head or heart others can't go- if i had to say- i am open and accessible without exception or restriction almost. I hate idea of walls & locks and forbidden things - i can't even bring myself to zip zippers all the way up (i know, wierd huh) or screw caps on really really tight). not only do i not have boundaries well- i am llosing more and more of the ones i had perhaps -

h is self-contained and can't share well (tho is very generous). i hate his "boundaries" i hate rules and restrictions - - i hate boundaries i think- i think anything is possible - for anyone. just about anyone is welcome to show up at my door, come in and have tea- - i have a bunch of people around in my life that i may not even want, but feel too sorry to cut loose because they are needy- i think you're rite i have boundary problems.

what boundary do you think i should have? i wonder - i cannot seem today to formulate some

wait- maybe i've got some.

I do not accept physical violence in life.

I have this past year drawn a line about someone being verbally "violent" to me- i have hung up on my angry sister. something i've never done in my life - it's soooo incredibly rude. But i did it and would again.

if h gets "pi$$y" and looking for a fight I can actually turn my back and walk out nicely saying "you're only one angry here - i'm not doing this". I'd always feared his anger/annoyment. i honestly and thoroughly do not care what he feels now. to my gut it is just bs and spew and it does not touch me.

i'm walkin away from "angry people" pretty much across board.

ow- idk - i hate it .- i said/say it rite out - But I am still am not willing to take what will come in my life if i go being all dramatic and do ultimatum. i do not have confidence in him in that regard and i do not want to " pay" for a bad result (yet). i'll suck it up for awhile more.

that is a boundary i'd love to make and enforce. realistically- i cannot. like i could not convince my sister that drank herself to death to not do it- i don't think it is within my power to convince him that he may in fact pay too high a price someday.

i asked once in very beginning if the price for her was total loss of me - would he consider it a good bargain. he replied no, he'd hate it ....- BUT, she's there. ta da....

hell, how do i con trol someone else - when i can't even stop myself from being here still, because i'm going to do what i do - boundary? addiction? idk

today- i can't figure this junk out and do not care. i had soo much sleep last nite (soooooo rare) that i feel great.

i seem to still be "dbing" as in, i'm still present in his life (whatever teh sitch). for some reason he is still in mine - i cannot figure out why honestly. all i want is a cookie from life rite now. no kidding. my brain does not extend further than that.

it feels lots better than teh alternative this morning. i'm going to go gratify that desire for food- and h does not exist in my little brain at this moment.

so- what boundary(s) do you see that i should be drawing in the sand? just curious- i have no objectivity or perspective - sorry man.

Posted By: beatrice Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/07/15 05:27 PM
Nero, you live with a real covert controller (and not always so covert) Someone who wants what he wants to do, and doens't really consider how others feel about it.

And he has it made - an OW on the side, you on tenterhooks - he can be nice to you or not. This is a stuck situation which will continue indefinitely as far as I can see, while it is inherently unstable for you (and probably OW) your partner goes unchallenged, and my guess is he is loving it.

While he may be in MLC I suspect he was always a controller: the earlier possessiveness is also a sign of control. I could be wrong, but the question always remains - why does this situation feel like your best option? Are you growing and flourishing. We tell people to get a life, and with the GAL comes increased self respect, energy and optimism although it takes a while, and work.

Sitting out a MLC with the MLCerin the hope that all comes good now seems like the high risk option to me: while uncomfortable, it is getting out there and living your life gives you energy and and drive. It is a bit like jumping into icy water - after a while it is fun and maybe even a better way to live. Idk though, we are all different.

Hugs to you
Posted By: LouR Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/07/15 07:11 PM
Well said Bea

Nero - I am new to all this MLC craziness, you have posted on my thread and I thank you for your support and insights. I appreciate you giving me your time to help me along my journey.

Although I don't have the experience that some of the veterans here do,from what I have read so far it sounds like you are living your life in Fear - fear of change and fear of the unknown.

Your sitch sounds incredibly difficult - 2 homes and the back and forth, wow, what amazing strength and resilience you have.

I do worry for you; that this fear of the alternative is keeping you stuck in a situation in which you are genuinely not happy in. Nero - choose to be happy, life is way too short to be living a disappointment -

Your H has it sooooo good, he leads the life he wants - keeping everyone dangling and waiting around for him - he knows you will wait for him - When do you get to lead the life you want ??? Only you can answer that and only you can make it happen.

GAL and moving forwards does not mean giving up on your M, far from it, it is making you stronger and back in control of you - so that when/if the time comes that your h does want to fully reconcile then you will be the one in control and making the decisions.

I really hate what has happened to my m, it has taken me to depths I did not know exist, it has filled my complete body and soul with sadness and pain - but I have decided that HE will not break me - HE will not define me - I battle to move forward every day, I slip backwards often, but I am moving in a forwards direction and I know that one day I will celebrate, (In my first thread I describe my Happy Day Dress that I have bought) one day I will wear my happy day dress.

Be happy Nero - you deserve to be happy, you deserve better.
Posted By: Sotto Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/07/15 08:41 PM
I read a book recently, which described ongoing A's where spouse stays in the mix as 'stable triangles' where some needs are met by OP and some by the S.

You don't have to be a point on that triangle if you don't want to. Removing yourself puts full strain on the A relationship, and may give you the space to find the life you want for yourself. The choice is yours.

You don't seem to feel that you - just you - are OK. Like you'll only be ok if you're with someone or part of a pack. Why isn't just you ok?
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/08/15 02:19 PM
hey hi toots, lou and bea -

i have to leave for airport- i got writing- backtracking - giant mess - maybe something is useable or makes sense- i canot re-read and so skip it if you want- xxo o thanks for comments i'm outta here

thanks guys for input. Yeah, i'd say i'm 'stuck" also- but then, maybe i've been "stuck" from very first day of bd. that absolutely worst thing in my life - just happened to plop d own with several other equally worst things- and i feel like just now, 6 or 7 years later i have a minute to begin sorting thru what life had become last bunch of years since linda died in 2008.

I've never even gotten around to crying for a stinkin week over the person i spent every waking moment with for 24 years & was my "irish twin" & alter ego in life. she's the person who had every "adventure of my life with me- when she died, there they went , well, the person to share them with. it's alot.

now that i say that- i have to go to airport in a few - but i have a thought here that you popped into my head - youknow, deciding to have them " pull the plug" on her was really hard. as usual - in my family- i was guy in hot seat. mom just couldnt' cope - no one else could - i did, based on the many dr opinons, etc i got. it was soooo awful to see her laying ther gaping for air- so not what she'd want. however - 7 years later - was there really hope and they were being overly dramatic? idk, was it the rite thing? could there have been hope? idk- ya make your best call. everyone i meet has a story it seems about the person that the dr. said would die soon - who survived and ta da, is alive today.

i don't re-think that decision- but it does make one take stock and not be jumping into what seem like life's bigger decisions.

it's dramatic i know- and til he's dead or me- there is always an "option" open i guess. i think i'm the sort tho to be all or nothing.

if i go- i will not look back and that chapter of my lie will be over and done. it's probably a counterproductive outlook for me to have- i've thought that too- maybe dooming him for his own actions - but it's me (rite now anyway). i'll stick it as long as i possibly can and when i'm done - i'm done forever.

maybe i'll become wise or generous or something- never know - i am definitely morphing from the person i always was all my life- things i like and some not. ii'm a bit cyunical and i don't like that- but it's normal i'd think.

the mlc bit of this mix - I'm not sure there is really a deadline that fits all. I do hear what each of you say- I've thought it all myself. no kidding. it's all sound advice and input.

problem is - there's soooooo much that goes into it all (at least in my head and life). i'd be writing all day here - you know me, explain til the other guy's ears are bleeding. i find it hard to distill down -

who i am - i listen and "understand" people's frailties, junk, choices, i prop people up- tell them it's okay to be who they are, don't judge their addictions, etc. (maybe i make excuses for them - idk.. i've done it sooooo long - and mom got really tough and mean, it's what i do. i hang in there- i "see it thru", etc. all t hat junk. last 7 years with mom was toughest of life, to keep going back - i did. i didn't enjoy abuse- it was just always that tehre was a bigger picture- other issues at work. not just as simple as "she treats ya like crap- walk away."

my personal sense of "duty" said do it. hang in there, you're her only link. - it's hard to turn that off here to him completely. however much he deserves it and it will (supposedly) cause him to become old self. I think his old self is dead and gone or never existed. do i learn who he is and whether i want him in my life or not? idk -

no matter how miserable he's made for last 6 or so years ( i can't even remember back to when it all began. he made me really really happy for 30 or so before that. He has treated me better & made me feel special more than any other person in life- ever. he is a part of me and my life - like it or not. It really does seem to me - complimentary or not - that I rely on him being in my life and it truly is like someone just (casually and off the cuff) telling me that your leg or right arm needs to be amputated - and you just say "well, okay - here goes".

whatever my intellect tells me - and it's alot of what you're all saying - i know, BUT that does not make me feel ready to cut him off. it may seem or really be pathetic- but there you are. I guess like everyone alive- i've got to do what my gut tells me.

I still haven't found "time" to mourn for my sister's death- she was closest person alive & we all sat by while she drank herself to death- with no power really to stop her - and gave order to "pull the plug" - was it right? was it the only option? were the doctors wrong? who will ever know.

at exact same time- my tough, competent mom just begins a scary mind/health descent - who's HER rock now, me. bad enough for someone like me- commitment phobic a bit. honestly- it's uflattering i know, but i've always known aboutmyself that if i'm honest- i don't evem want responsibility for myself, much less someone else - and someone else with huge issues that will not ever get better - just worse. and particularly immediately following my inability to "save" linda.

i'm just sayin. i'd like to crucify myself for the bum i probably am in life- but i just can't. i just feel like a person who thinks she's doin her best with a bunch of really hard-to-deal with junk.

I think his office-life has only been replaced by his computer-life. I was always working and home and never ever saw any of it (well, for what it was (apparently - fun social-flirtie life as well).

i know everyone slaps their heads and probably says "enough" about me - regularly. it's just not simple- i know it seems so, enough is enough right?

I think this morning, part of my getting moving here quick enough for the world is that i've never had time to mourn my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in life) which was also beginning of my awareness of h having some kind of "problems" and disconnect in our r; my mom's immediate (and scary) onset of memory/health problems (bigtime"; mom getting sued month later by cousin to sell shorehouse(horrible for her & she'd tell ya too!) - idk - when bomb dropped a few years later- all i could do was look around me at fl house and think "i cannot face loading out my crappola of 38 years of life - i can't deal with it now".

I was shattered completely. well- inside. i don 't know what the world saw. it's 3 or 4 years later - i am not "bleeding" openly - i am still amazed at the "train wreck" my life has become because of the absence/insanity of every "rock" person in my life.

Not only was mom a "rock" out there- she became my responsibility. I am not a person that embraces commitment and likes "being in charge". i I can and did do it- i did not like it or find it easy. it was a strain - the constant responding to her (primarily emotional) neeeeeeeeeeds.

. I've always been a happy person pretty much - even when my dad died, or my 1st h turned violent, huge things- they never "got to me" like bomb.

honestly this morning - i was reading martha stewart christmas mag for this year- she had a poem in beginning about her sister that died - objectively speaking i think i just have not had time to get over my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in world) because it began chain of events in life - mom's mental decline big time (take on responsibility pretty much for her and her life kind of) - all of sudden rite then h became "cold-ish" and different - but who had time or answer to deal with what that was other than thinking backlash to his current problems, retire, quit smoke,dad sick, etc; month later mom sued by cousin to sell shore house, huge shocker;
Posted By: job Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/08/15 02:39 PM
I am very sorry about what life has dished out to you. The responsibilities that you have had to take on for a number of years is crushing. The decisions you've had to make were difficult and most likely the decision to "pull the plug" on your sister may have been the right choice from a medical stand point. I know how hard that decision was because my mother, sister and I had to make that decision for my father 6 years ago and there were many what ifs, there too. But, the bottom line was, would he have wanted to remain hooked up to life support for the rest of his life? The answer for us was no and I'm sure this would have been the same answer your sister would have had too. Yes, that decision haunts you, but you need to let it go. Look at the full picture and know that her life may not have gotten better had she lived. She's now at peace and is still there w/you each and every day in your heart.

You were there also for your mother and are still dealing w/her finances, home and belongings. That's a tough one too.

I may be wrong on this, but I think you are the strong one in your family and this is why you have had to deal w/all of this "stuff". It always appears to be the strong family members that take on the tasks of dealing w/family issues, i.e., such as death, wills and estates, relationships etc. I do know what you are dealing with and the load doesn't get any lighter as you move through life. What I have learned is that you have to take some "time outs" and do things for you. If you need to mourn the deaths of your sister and mother, then do so. If you don't, it'll just eat away at you a little at a time.

As for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you. Take the time to mourn what was and find ways each and every day to smile. Know that your family members are in a better place and really, they are still there in your heart each and every day. Think of the good times and do start to plan some trips or get together w/old friends or w/RosaLinda and uRworthy. It's time Nero for you to let some of the past go. It's difficult, but you have to. You can't go back and fix the past, it's history, but you do have the present, for it is a gift. The future is still a mystery and one that will reveal itself in due time.

Please take care of yourself. You are wiser and stronger than you think.
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/09/15 02:46 PM
hey hi-

you are soooo clever = when you said:

s for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you.

it describes exactly what (alllllll my ramblings) could have in a few words. i swear- like yesterday - i got enough sleep- i'm sitting here in my fav plumpie rocking chair- feet up - by window looking at snow (a treat after years in fla). it's chillie but it's cozy & tree looks nice (even tho one darn string of lites pooped out his a.m.) and so very very nice & peaceful.

not one "life or death" situation on the horizon. some doozies that effect people i love - but not fatal.

i am sewing a little pleasurable project - ornamental only- not even a "mending pile" thing. i have a lovely cookie i just rooted up and i feel very okay.

i'll take it. i didn't say all that "junk" in my head for pity purposes- it's just i am aware of my own "junk' that's been bubbling around inside. it's not making me nuts or on my thoughts obsessivly, - but it's things "to be dealt with" that i shoved aside for years and just know it. in a background of life kind of way.

whatever else h is - loosely i view him as "protection" (from life?) for a bit? . don't ask me- i do not know what and why. i was mulling it around in brain last nite for a minute or two- WHAT it was i had from him at moment that made me not able to see leaving- it's that word that kept popping to mind. two of my sisters are in very bad financial difficulties - it's hard to know about and not feel lucky tojust have a roof over head, heat, food, etc. and be reasonably sure they will still be tehre tomorrow.

i just feel like i need some time off - everyone has soo much troubles in life - nobody seems to escape them

i was saying to gal next door last nite (her mom was in wheelchair last 6 yrs or so- seriously disabled from stroke, she'd come and go from pa and had caregivers here- nightmare for years (dad & brother died in last few yrs as well, she db'd herself for bunch of years, h is alcoholic but she's stayin put ) (we do "group therapy & wine") and I got saying to her: that maybe the problems her nephew was having that were worrying her were something like - he's always had to be "strong" for his ailing mom, and her and her mother - and maybe he just was trying to convey - "HEY - WHAT ABOUT ME" it may be the "sick" people that get alllll the attention & care- but i need it tooooooo.....

and got saying to myself and to her also- hey, maybe it's something like that with us too. she's having terrible time letting go of her mom's house- putting for sale and me too somewhat. it really is the la st "physical evidence" of our lives. memories and pictures are good - that symbol- home is a big big one- as you probably know.

I avoid the phone or people because i do think it'snice tolend an ear or a shoulder- but i do not have any answers for anhy of us and i get tired of being strong sometimes. i want to be invisible sometimes - regroup.

so- you have described EXACTLY what i'm feeling and where i think i am. i just all of a sudden find myself sooooooo "on cruise" i don't even know what to think, but am going with it.

thanks for note- it's always good to hear. the pulling the plug thing- i am only sorry massivly - that i left her at the hospital the night we took her there. she was aware & was signaling to me with her finger saying bye when i left - . i'm soooo dopey- my mother was totally wrecked and couldn't drive self home- and i didn't even think of calling a cab and sending her home - or going back myself.

that i do regret- (even knowing regrets are useless) there was no reason at all that i would suspect that i'd never see her awake again because the stinking hospital would intubate her and (inside- in my heart) damage her internally and render her comatose) no kidding- i'm not nuttie - but it is hard to let go of that notion that i should have been there to watch over her and "protect" her (i do know hospitals) yet i wasn't. we were so tired and wrecked - but it didn't occur to me i'd never talk to her again - - - and they had already put her on life support when they called at 4 am to ask permission (an orderly told me next day). it was the usual institutional fiasco- maybe or maybe not. will never know that one really.

but enough of that - i don't usually allow myself to go back there- i haven't really said this to anyone - it;s there tho. well, that and really "failing" her with her divorce. i never ever KNEW , as i surely do now - how it destroys you. she had a breakdown- mom "saved" her, etc.

usual baggage i'm sure everyone has - decisions for others. me, i'm tough and can take it i think, what i decide, if i cause myuself extra dificulty, etc. it's the thing of deciding for someone else that is the giant question-mark & burden.

i'm glad i cared for mom- all those decisions take their toll once it's allover and the adrenalin isn't coursing thru you 24-7 - - - - and of course- my stupid sisters allll being "unavailable" every single time- eveery disaster almost - not reachable. (i know- i'm letting go of resentment and anger because i have no energy to feel it anymore) good thing huh? - oh well

i am learning patience in life til i'm insane with it. every time my sister that had vendetta w/mom brags her head off about how much "she and i " have had to endure and do for mom(wtf???) and i don't knock her out- i am a better woman.

ho hum- i think i will go do something i want to rite now- something pleasant & pretty and just let the day flow by without acknowledging "chores".

if this guy is allowing me this time and $$ and easy pleasant life (lifestyle) i cannot bring self to say no. i do not care what the heck he is doing today and where - tho i do feel better when i've chatted with him. even if it's a giant "security blanket" i'll take it.

just don't care but glad of it and feeling nicely cozy...

xxoo love ya man- you may well be rite about the decision being medically sound. we just do our best at the moment don't we- with what (me, five drs told me) we are told - and what we know of the patient - and that is that. Its the emotions leftover from the panic nature of the crises that would make one doubt or re-visit it. I hate making decisions in haste - have gotten okay in life telling myself they were best decision i could make at the time) i've done well so far keeping it away and knowing i made best decision i could. but, the not staying- it was a bad bad misstep. oh well huh...
like, why should i be super human? ya gotta wonder???

and you are rite- her life may not have gotten better. she was a "brooder" and the things that happened in her life just knocked the stuffing out of her- one by one. she was not "up to the fight" somepeople aren't. it makes me be extra sure to not pile too much on myself when there is any possible "out" around. i mean, who am i to thinjk there couldn't be a combination of events that would drive me to drink? no one special - just like anyone else out there alive. i think anyone that says it's unthinkable hasn't witnessed it & might be fool hearty. but everyone has their limit. i do look out for self in that regard - but you know me- pollyanna that i am- always thinking that "in the end" things come around. maybe crazy- terminal optimism or hope - who knows???

okay, thanks again- i'm outta here. this "strong " one is tired - today i'm the invisible guy.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/09/15 07:30 PM
My friend, I so understand those feelings of guilt and regret. Things we wished we had done or done differently. I have come to believe that we do the best we can at the time. Looking back, there are always things we see that we wish we had done better.

As you know, I was/am the caretaker in my family. It is not a job I wanted or asked for, but, its what I got. I was responsible for a whole lot, including the care and eventually, the plans and all that comes with it, with the death of my mom, dad and my xFIL. No one else stepped up, so I did. It sometimes used to bother me. I have siblings. They could have helped. But that was their choice as doing the right thing was mine.

I know you feel terrible guilt regarding your sister. I also know that you did what you thought was the right thing in that moment. That's really the best you can do.

It is important that you work towards forgiving yourself. And it is just as important that you mourn your sister's death properly. Necessary in order to move forward.

As far as your sitch, as I have told you before, I believe when you decide you cant live with it any longer that you will make a decision.

Having said that, I do want to say this. Not making a decision is one of sorts. And it is ok sometimes. My worry for you has always been that you dont think you deserve more than what you have. And you so do, Nero.

I understand the financial aspect. You know my story. I was and still am in very bad financial shape. But I remember the day when I had to stand for me. I had to knowingly put myself in a position where I was going to lose everything by filing, in order not to lose me.....because I mattered. I was no longer willing to allow what he was doing to control my life.

I feel sometimes as if your fear of financial struggle is so great that you are willing to lose some of you so as not to feel it.

At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.

I have great hope that you will know when that is.

I know it is scary to think of something else and doing something different.

I also know how worthy you are. I know, without a single doubt, that you would be ok with another choice.

I respect your right to make the decision that is best for you at this time.

As long as that decision is from a place of strength and not fear.

I have seen many changes in you. We all get to where we need to be in our own time.

I think you need to take a deep breath and work through all that has happened in the last year. I think you need to mourn your sister and your mother.

I also think you should embrace who you are, Nero, because you are an amazing soul. There isnt anything wrong with being positive and looking for the good in people. Those are wonderful qualities.

Celebrate you. Remember your worth. Find stuff that fills you up and know that you will be more than ok with whatever decisions you make...just because of who you are.

Posted By: 123Gwen Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/10/15 01:41 AM
Everything UR said with a hug to top it off.

Not making a decision is making a decision and that is ok. There are no rules just opportunities to move forward in the best way possible for you.
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/10/15 03:03 PM
ur & gwen-

hi guys- and thanks.

At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.

I have great hope that you will know when that is.

i hope so too. I think i will. maybe that time is when we are called upon to give up something tooooo important to us to have what we do - then we chuck it. did that make sense?
at this very moment- he is asking me to give up nothing at all. he is only providing me with my home & sustenance. more than i could provide self. if i should be more suspicious - i can't think what could possibly go wrong that hasn't now. value of getting to bottom??? it's all uphill from here?

I've felt that the threat of my entire life being "taken away" has been going on sooooo long- it doesn't hold the same fear. i can enjoyu this day without one thought about what may come tomorrow. I will cope with it. foolish or not - it's true. I can even value today more because of thinking it all could be gone tomorrow - savour "the end". whatever it is i've got, this minute i'm okay.

with mom gone & allll that worry & responsibility. and h somewhat stablized and not so critical and picking - i do feel alot more normal on a daily basis. i feel alot more free and like old self- i'm not asking any questions rite now- i'm just enjoying this sudden feeling of "normalcy".

if he wants to have his life as it is - which i have no power to change anyway - and is providing me this (today) happy little life - i'll take it.

that's as far as my brain can get. i know what you are saying bout the whole "deserve" thing. i know what i don't deserve when it happens. as far as what we all "deserve" in life in general- i'm not so sure. we all want everything wonderful- we all sure don't get it.

i hope we all deserve to feel happy. i am not sure- some people really aren't - ever. it's all too complicated.

i am a happy girl today - and it's been so rare last bunch of years to feel this- i am going to go savour it and take a walk & get a fresh bagel & enjoy this day. ta da my needs are small.

xxoo man- you may be the only person in the universe that has faith in me . it's nice & thanks.

ta da- i got nothin more.

Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/10/15 03:08 PM
hey- does this mean i have quit seeing myself or judging myself vis-a-vis my r with him??? ya think???

we all think i "deserve" fidelity- i don't have it. i don't feel like less because of that. my value is in no way contingent upon h. i am happy today despite the lack of it? did that make sense?

whattyathink? progress of a sort

Posted By: 123Gwen Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 01/14/15 10:34 PM
Anytime you are independent of someone else that is a good thing in my book these days.
Posted By: RosaLinda Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 02/12/15 01:09 AM
Hey Hi Nero, I know you're probably down in FL with your H and may not see this in time, but wanted to wish you a very very happy birthday. You had a hell of a year girl, I hope this is a much better one for you.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 02/12/15 04:02 AM
Happy Birthday, nero!

Linda, you never stop amazing me! You remember so much detail about people and their sitches.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 02/12/15 05:08 AM
Happy birthday, my friend. Hope this year is an amazing one.

So glad we got together. Hope we can do it again soon.

Posted By: job Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 02/12/15 12:26 PM
Happy Birthday! I do hope that you are having some peaceful moments while in FL. Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/06/15 07:25 PM
hey hi everyone.

thanks for the birthday wishes. it's been a totally waacky and rushed beginning of the year (yeah- I know, it's may already- hardly a beginning). december i began (waaaay early (i thought) to deal with a big old tax disclosure form tyhat had to be done- and found out not only was i not early- i was late as heck. screwed around alot of the month with that and mom's house clear-out. it was just tons and tons of 'stuff' & details, etc.

anyway- got the form done- went to fla for a month to chill- came back and house REALLY REALLY had to get cleared out and
Posted By: uRworthy Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/06/15 07:40 PM
Hey my friend. So glad you posted. I have been thinking of you. Glad you are doing ok. I know you have a lot of stuff to get through. Hope to see you soon.

Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/06/15 08:03 PM
on the market -

hey- somehow i pressed button & sent that. anyway- worked like a dog alllll march in that house- lots and lots of cleaning, painting, fixing, looking, remembering - 68 or so years of someone & all of our's lives in that house. etc- got it totallyu allllll ready- and whattya think (no kidding) i'm in cellar saying out loud to self- "okay, floor looks clean (painted it) and this place is f'ing ready- not one more thing to do" and i turn around to admire my tons of work- and there are some flying "ants" that turn out to be termites- so complete rush, dead heat to get estimates on that and the repairs to damaged wood ( began looking like many thousands of bucks to accomplish- but in two short weeks before hopping on plane got extimates from 4 bug guys, & 4 carpenters- got work done- paperwork to hopefully pass inspection and jumped on a plane to england for a month.

so- just got back and here i am. took h to airport yesterday- thought i should go say i'm still alive. i'm not any f urther along as far as the "unstuck" thing.. i was looking back over my other posts in jan. - i swear- what a big fat baby i sound like. i guess when i'm typing it , it's what i'm feeling and thinking.

It was sooo nice and pleasant to get right out of this coutnry and away from that darn house & estate and my sisters- i can't say how sorry i was to co me home. it was so pretty over there at this time of year- i sure love england. s till have that fantasy of just picking up my b uttons and moving there. wh o knows - "in the end" what i might do?? i sure don't.

anyway- it was a really nice trip. i think you are all correct that i am stuck- he's a serial cheater and probably always will be- i still have brain freeze-up when i try and formulate a total- overall sweeping conclusion and decision about my life and his place in it- or out of it and then jump up and do soemthing dramatic to change it all. i still cannot imagine him not being somewhere in my life - and cannot imagine him being somehwere in my life also in light of what he now seems to be (inside). i shut it off - just cannot dive back into the trama of thinking about it all - it makes me feel tired and pressured and otherwise i'm rather "even" lately.

see- just now, even beginning to think about "itr all" - i just shut off- nothing to say- and loath to even think about it. i think - unless forced otherwise - i loosely plan to just plug along, having my little life here, work when it's there, garden, still swearing to de-junk my house. i want to capture the magic of living out of a suitcase in hotel rooms - it was so nice to not have anything to bother with. i'm savoring tht notion and trying to walk around house picking up things that are "non-essential" - making a pile - i intend to just do this. the feeling of lightness with out allll the stuff was so good.

my good buddie from workin days in fla has breast cancer and began writing e-mails while on trip - and expressing her need to be entertained and live vicariously at present- so been reportring in to her about travels, etc - . she's pretty sick- it makes me stop (as usual) (my life at a glance - stopped) and take stock. i'm awful glad to be healthy. i think whatever i do, in the end about this db stuff and this man - - and whatever comes - will just slowly grind into being - i don't think i need to jump up and down and decide things- i am not miserable and i'm grateful for that. he may be someone other than what i thought- but he's affording me an awful lot of freedom to just do whatever the heck i want.

i'm sure you are allll right about me being stuck- i am alright- but at the moment i still feel incredibly tired and just can't seem to dive in and take on more upheaval in life. i just need a bit more placidity . maybe if i could get these two houses sold and all the trouble in this family put away once and for all- i'd feel all sparky and ready to act. i am just not sure what i want- sorry to be soo frustrating here. i don't think i'm depressed - so glad about that.

i am cautiously optimistic about the future - whatever that may hold. ya never know what i may do or what may occur . maybe because i feel like i can walk away and not go under any time i want- i don 't feel pressured to have to make any big gestures or "show him" kind of thing. i'm keeping my thoughts to my self in general and he can just be surprised or whatever he is when i do or become whatever i will.

boy, i sure sound "out there" - sorry gang. it's all i have - life is okay at the moment (no open hostility from any quarter) - i don't want my little boat rockin at all- either way- good or bad - i just wanna float along a bit longer while its quiet. .

oh well - hope you all are great . I haven't got time to go lookin around - will try and find some later. there sure always seems to be too manyu things needing my attention. i'm outta here-

thanks for the input everyone - xxoo
Posted By: uRworthy Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/06/15 09:00 PM
England...how wonderful..on my bucket list.

Nero, I know Ive said this to you before...it is your life and if you dont want to do anything different now, then dont...as long as you dont lose you or feel badly about yourself..because you matter. smile

I like the "getting rid of any non essentials". Keep going with that. I suspect that you are taking little steps to move yourself forward whether you realize it or not.

Sometimes those little steps are bigger than the large ones when you put them all together.

We all walk this in our time, in our own way.
Posted By: LouR Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/06/15 11:29 PM
Hey Nero - lovely to have you back. Tell me about your UK trip, I am missing the place already! Did you travel around or just go to one area?

Everyone is different and everyone's sitch is different so I don't think there is any right or wrong in how long it takes to pass through this part of your journey, if it feels ok to you then its OK

You are moving forwards, I see it in your posts. I think maybe because we live it everyday we don't notice the little changes in us, the thoughts we have, the thoughts we no longer have, the things we do or no longer do, it all counts.

Anywhoo, glad you good time in Blighty, I hope more adventures await you grin
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/13/15 10:32 AM
Hey Hiya-

Thanks for note. Life seems to have been awfully busy this year- i'm glad you're "there".

you know, i feel like i'm "improved" and less "lost" in general , in life. I flounder when i can't sleep and my brain feels like i have to "get in" or "get out". same old thing - short version.

Last nite at 3:30 am a show i passed by & watched for a bit was a couples counseling show with a man and woman going down a list of "warning signs" - and then, finishing up with a list of "glad they stayed in the marriage because:_____" list. had alot of both. oh man- it's interesting I guess, but i'm better when i stop thinking - period. it does creep in.

the woman finished up saying that it's hard "out there" to find good people. So- yeah...... some of this, some of that- the usual incredibly complicated mix......

Hey - i'm an American - i guess i want "the fix" - ka bam- surgery - a big pill - take it all at once- total "cure" , blah blah blah. oh well huh ? - she went on to say they had been invited to give their seminar in korea - that along with "westernizing" a culture- came all the same western downsides & problems, divorce, infidelity- cripes!!!

but then- other cultures - becoming more intensely "religious" - have gone to the other extreme of extreme violence (in the name of religion (rules, morals??? right and wrong)wtf???. the entire world seems crazy to me. what the heck is going on in general with people?

Interestingly- in England - for an entire month- i slept all night- every night - without even one sleeping pill. what the heck is that??? now that i'm back - back to crappola nights. last nite was a joke - oh mannnnnn -

all the same usual stuff - i'm never going to make it to thewindup of this stinkin estate- or what tho??? there is no way out of it - - i hate it - rite along with h & ow, etc - but end up being "practical" and figuring half is better than none. ?????

so are you still the queen of organization? i am soooooo STUCK on that front- and keep thinking if ever, for once, i felt like everything was "current" - my mental jumble-ocity would subside. I loved living out of a suitcase- i NEEED some seeable progress - and i need some help of some sort.

it all seeeems toooooo big - and i don't sweem to ever make a dent that is seeable. and i want to seee something.

i just got called to work in elementary school today- said okay- i always do. should be interesting. i'm seriously short on sleep - so hopefully the day won't be too crazy. it will be soooo busy with little kids- no time to think and that's good too.

ta da- xxoo man
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 05/13/15 10:36 AM
hey hi lou0-

it was great - we drove around entire time. stayed for one week stint in skipton - drove around yorkshire - it was soooo lovely- green - lambs jumping around allover the place. what a pretty pretty country . went also to lake district, cotswolds, stratford -upon-avon a few days- aside from skipton- spent a few days here and a few days there. ended up with three days or four in london. can't rightly rmember.

i'll come back and describe some travels - lots of lovely places - if i can corral my brain in a bit. this "real life" junk consumes me. ( i getr sucked rite back into the family hostility thing- i am just to thinking of famly in life in terms of "support" rather than "the enemy". which i apparently am to some. it's disorienting and upsetting. oh well huh? grow up me???

as usual- workin on conquering that and feeling "orderly" in life. yeah rite-

gotta go find something to wear to work tho, so i'm outta here.

Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/23/15 11:54 AM
Hi anyone -

Just reporting in. Nothing remarkable to say about my life as it is. Peaceful &pleasant when together . I find it more obnoxious to be apart and More & more (now that mom is gone and there is no real giant REASON) to be in nj (aside from a whole different life of my own here) i don't like being alone so much. I don't know what i really want - bottom line.

i'M TIRED of controlling myself so rigidly- i'm tired of being "reasonable" and patient, etc. I wonder honestly - then read the book one more time and think i can hold this in a bit longer. "remain calm" - not so sure it's the right thing to be doing - awaiting inspiration from above (or somewhere).

Estate junk is rocky- everyone at everyone elses throat. I feel inbetween everyone - these two houses still for sale- had an offer for each - , both toooo low- bUT i'm trying to be reasonable and maybe accept crappy market- but don't want to make wrong decision for everyone else along with me. i'm a bad negotiator and feel a strong sense of duty to do best here. cripes!!

have to work today- so that's okay. still substituting, doing pretty well on a daily basis. Less or no ripping pain - not totally happy & carefree about r. It still stinks, it seems to be teeeeeeeny teeeeeeny increments of "better" that kind of throws me off - but overall still same. ow still around - so really it's hard to read these signs, so subtle, losing desire to even try & bother sometimes.. endeavoring to wind it out best i can til i "blow".

I want that old time feeling of loving and being loved. I don't want to be totally "alone" - (as in, is part time "mate" better than none?) idk the answer to that. My sister in town is out of work and struggling like mad- it's a moderating force. seeing up close and personal the unhappiness of life on one's own (ALLLLLLL THE TIME). it's grinding her down. there's good and bad for both positions- keeps me on my fence (yeah- i k now, i'm building a house on the fence ) . i'm still just going with my gut day by day- idk - still have not just gone bizerk and walked out for one more day.

i'm doing good th o- feelin like old self most of time- ta da haven't croaked from it all - will be happy when estate is closed and i'm out of this "job"

xxo n.
Posted By: job Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/23/15 02:26 PM
I'm very happy that you came back to post an update.

Estate sales/belongings can be a real headache. Sounds like you are trying to please everyone. Nero, you can't do it. You have to do what you think is right and go from there. If they aren't happy w/your decisions, then they can do the work. You've held the family together far, far too long by yourself.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/23/15 03:52 PM
Hello my friend. I am so glad you posted. I think about you often.

As far as the estate stuff, Job is right, Nero. You will not ever be able to make everyone happy. All you can do is your best.

So, seems like you still aren't sure what to do. I can feel you weighing what it's like to be alone against having someone part time.

The thing is that only you really know your heart. I can only tell you about mine. I have learned that I matter. I know my worth. I would want to be with someone who feels that way about me, too, no matter the struggle.

You have decide what is best for you and if this is right for you now, then, that is what is important.

You know I always worried about what this was doing to your heart and your spirit, my friend. That is what matters to me.

You know where I am....anytime. Love you.
Posted By: 123Gwen Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/25/15 12:45 AM
Yes Nero the only thing you have to figure out is what is best for you. I think some days I'd give anything at least to have H part time but then I realize that it would be a huge burden in many ways. This is not easy and what worked last year may be different now.

You have lots of people here that understand how murky things can be. MWD says in the end though dbusting is mostly about saving yourself especially when dealing with MLC. Thinking of you.
Posted By: AJM Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/25/15 01:24 AM
Hi Nero! Long time no hear. A local radio show often does a skit, "long time listener, first time caller [MOOOOOOOOOOOO]" smile

As for decisions - it seems to me you have a full plate. That can feel like walking through mud while going through it. Kind of slows your roll, right?

The thing is, you'll do what you are going to do when you are ready. You won't sit on the fence forever. Things just don't work like that and I can tell you're not happy with it.

Don't worry. You'll make a decision at some point. Until then, deal with your business and keep working on you. It's a good investment.

Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/27/15 02:31 PM
He hi job and you are worthy-

You guys have no idea how wonderful it is to touch base and feel there is someone out there that cares. that sounds soooo lame i know- Seems things to get both better and worse - all at same time around here. is it any wnoder i lose hair and sleep!!!!!

I hope you're both well and happy & looking forward to fall. (and wi nter??? burrrrr) but pretty as heck.

I do hear you about my family. I think i am some point where honestly- when this is allover i don't think i'll care much who i see or what. I don't see myself "preserving family" any more . too tired. My neice cares about family- i'm trying to be that for her. my other neices i like alot- their mothers , oiy.... Even her mom doesn't care. I can happily leave them to themselves.

h seems to become more his old self when around me, even affectionate sometimes - BUT OW is still there in place in his life and important. PERIOD.

I list the good & bad. I see that my life is much more "easy" than most people. Watching my sister in town out of work , behind in rent and truly struggling badly- and am not so hot to throw away that kind of security. It sounds shabby- i kind of wish it were just all about the money. then i'd be a happy girl rite - getting what i want. problem solved? he's happy to throw $$ my way. .

As always- it's about person you "share your life with" , which he seems to think we do- and said just a week ago "please stay in my life". however - he then tra las off on a trip with ow - and (to a much much much less degree than begfore - but there-) sends me into emotional turmoil about whether or not he is a person worthy of all the ttrouble, wait, faith,etc. hard to determine some human beings intrinsic "worth". but it seems important to know.

I do not feel this overwhelming LOOOOOOOVE for him as i always did - too battered.(those totally suckie 4-5 yrs) I don't want to be a grudge holder and get bitter or really "hang onto" it. On other hand - one knows something about this guy now that i didn't before. Perhaps he is not "worthy" of all this?? I still have that same old whatever it is that (addiction? habit? caring?) - that nags me and says if i found him soooo worthwhile for 38 yrs., how can i throw him out window now? I have even more invested now - I may or may not be insane. I do admire the strength of my own devotion and loyalty & ability to absorbe the crappola and still plug on. I may not look it to others - but i feel very strong inside to continue & prevail (over the emotions & urges to just cut and run - both with h and fam) Now, if only rest of universe saw what i see. (and if it's really a good thing in the end?) who ever does know huh?

If i'm honest - i still NEED the safety net he provides. it's sad - as usual, it's both the hardest and easiest thing to do for me and my emotional and mental state presently. I know it is wacky - but i know same about alternative FOR SURE.

i AM LOts more my old self. I am , opinion of self wise, lots lots better than have been in last ten years. too bad that doesn't resolve anything. i don't agonize over my actions or thoughts to see what "i'm doing wrong". i think that is gone forever. I do like the person i am, and feel as good or bad as anyone else. I don't feel ashamed of my shortcomings - only human and not embarassed to say.

I am running out of steam in general in life tho with this businesss of sucking it up, being pleasant and diplomatic and courteous in the face of bad treatment (fam & h) and blatent or latent hostility(fam) , criticism(fam) being relegated to a "place" i feel he's trying to keep me in (h). and yes, i know he can't keep me anywhere if i want to move out of it.

I think that accepting dispositoin may not be such a good thing. Buddha say be like water- free of resistence, yet able to wear away rock. idk - I accept totally i can only control me- and the dre ary-ness of other people's actions and repurcussions to me, that is probably nothin to him, alot to me, blah blah blah

same old same old. but this, but that, stinkin frog in a jar hopping around -

I know about my safety net need still - yet i feel badly to allow him to think he buys me and it works. hearing myself say that tho- i don't say it to h im because there is nothing to say about anything any more. i sit by and watch, go about my life, wish i'd meet someone that would swooooop me away and wonder how the heck i have such loyalty and ties to people who are hard to love and downright abusing it sometimes (mom & him). GEEEEEZ - i sure sound neurotic and nuts huh? guess i am really.

oh well- not to moan like mad (after i've done just that) i'm still here - i'm not sure why or how - i am endeavoring to place it in God's hands, thinking he knows alot i do not & hoping when the time comes for me to jump ship- i know it and do it.

u-r - i think of you all the time because i'm stll in state of overwhelmment with the stuff around here and my jumble-ment of mind & house (oh well, and gardent too).

that being said, i have a giant bag of cloths to go out door- and two boxes of really good collectible china "things", and perhaps will go put them in trunk of my car and take to flea next week to sell with a freind that wants to.

we have accepted an offer on mom's house- lower than i'd like, but okay. can use some of that $$ to fund shore- so rabid sister doing those bills quits freakin out.

leavine as is - hope i didn't say too much that's dopey'

bye xxoo can't proof-big house e mergency
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/28/15 12:26 PM
Hey hi gwen-


I'M floundering in the murk here - no kidding. (and i'm not usually too flaky or half baked as i sound - no, honest)

I didn't see your post yuesterday - so Thanks for note. I THINK i am a better person in that I am way more living in the day, way more aware daily of the good & way more "patient" about life wending it's way because i'm soooo totally out of control of most of it and certainly of allll the people - and waaaaay less likely to "bite" and can now just walk away from conflict. It seems to be a good thing.

On the other hand- i've had people tell me i suck it up too much and i should just go bonkers and let anyone getting in my face "have it". be more forceful... It doesn't feel rite. I am always (no kidding) alwasy surprised and never have all sorts of "ammo" rite at hand. too stunned to find that perfect & effective retort. I must be a blast to "fight " with- i only think of the perfect responses about three days later... then i decide forget it- rise above it, it's all crappola anyway...

I am such a wierd point- i honestly can't assess me, him or anyone else alive. i alwasy think people are essentially decent and trying to do the rite things. Even when they, I fail, intention is everything. I do know my own intentions are always okay- i can face myself about tht.

other than that, i got nothin. i don't knwo what's best for me anymore. The few times i've decided something big and gone that way- turns out i've been wrong-o. my ability to trust my gut is shaken - a very bad thing to feel. I hope to God that whatever i do, it's the right thing...

I am grateful to have someone parttime to be honest. I guess it's what keeps me "attached" still. Everyone important being dead is really icky- the two women i shared my entire life with. You sure can't laugh about old times with others like you could with them. We did laugh alot - "before"... oh well huh. he's last truly important important person in my life. I guess i'll find out in the end where it all lands.

I am my usual slow mo train wreck- but still alive and well and thinking weather is lovely this morning- so that's something rite??? I thik i'm saving myself. I think if seeking help- then realize i'd have to know and respect someone before i'd believe they'll be able to - oh well- pretty sure that I'VE IMPROVED IN THAT even a stinkin pretty morning seems like a gift - and any day or hour wkithout someone wanting something or some "troubel" seems mighty special. My enjoyment of the small and very small is greatly improved - and that cannot be bad. you and the couple people who wrote- that is mighty big - and i feel thankful that ya'll talk to me.

ok - that's me- need to go get some milk & remember to eat today. i swer- i get twirling around and forget even that - good news - lost five pounds and needed to (that damn cholesterol) - ta da - if nothing else, i won't end up overweight! woo hoo

xxo have a wonderful day
Posted By: nero Re: NERO- "journey" continues - 09/28/15 12:33 PM
hiya ajm-

i didn't see your note either- duhhh. my roll is definitely slow. i realize in all this that anything you say is out there forever. no kidding. I am moving very slow in all this lately. I am very wary of what i say and do- thinking i would never want to make people the way some have made me feel. they are unaware & lashing out. doesn't matter tho, does it? even with best of intentions on my part- those dumb words or acts stick in one's mind/heart.

thanks for vote of confidence & wisdom about it all working it's way thru to a conclusion one of these days. I th ink i'm workin on me all the time- a lifetime's vocation. some times i am just "done" tho with the biting it back. a little scary turn of events. i am very bad at this secret- covert spy stuff. being up front about what i think & feel and who i am is a big part of me. holding that back & in is a big strain. I feel prevented from showing affection or caring - and from receiving it. that it makes me merely a "fool' to be feeling or expressing caring for people so overtly hostile. that is wierd.

I hope and pray you are rite that in the end, it all sorts itself out and i do what is rite and that is that.

Ya have to wonder if God can really listen and sort this junk for a world of people. Raised eepiscopaleon i have no notion of God being personally concerned with me. More roll my sleeves up- work hard - do rite and "the lord helps those who help themselves" - it's not quite as nice and safe feeling as "let go - let God". i'm workin on that- trying to switch over. fingers crossed.

thanks for giving a darn - feels nice tome.


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