Here it is. A whole new dynamic. Some things remain... some things have changed.
I have to remember to keep my focus. I need to stay on my own path. I said what I needed to say. Over that.
Now, I need to get my kids on track. S17 has me on high alert. D13 is thriving, but I worry about all she internalizes.
And me. I need to focus on me. Keep on my path. Stay healthy. Surgery is this week. I keep forgetting about it. I just seems like an errand I have to run or something.
Ok, Stay Focused!
From The Silver Lining
Posted by Wonka
Mighty,
We're still friends!!! Yay, baby! You did mighty fine with the hww.
It looks like XH is trying to clean up his mess. I cannot wait to see the next chapter(s) unfold. You are incredibly strong.
I don't think I could stomach it if I were in your shoes. Fergetaboutit!
Stay the course, baby. laugh
Awww... Wonka! Thank you, thank you! That means so much to me!
Wow, Mighty!
So, he's moving out. X-mass shopping then packing...any idea what hww thinks as to why H is moving out? If she can't understand why you don't like her, she has to be the most clueless, no morals person in the world! Maybe she really doesn't get that sleeping with a married man and getting knocked up isn't a "good thing"?
At this point I really, really think that a DNA test needs to be done as soon as that kid is born. H had a vasectomy and the reversal apparently didn't take before all this started if I remember right. I really have a feeling that your kids may not be having any half-siblings! And if it turns out to not be his, than H can walk away and never look back. I think that's important no matter what happens in your M.
Enjoy mighty! Just be ready for more drama before all this is over!
Yes, Mighty. He's going to need an understanding friend. Or at least one that won't close the door and can LISTEN as things come up.
He acted the fool and he knows it or at least much of it. For at least a day, he has tried to make changes. But like an addict, it's not a day's work - it's a lot more than that.
All this time you spent with anger toward him - and now that dynamic is changing.
Likely the most difficult thing is going to be managing to help the kids with their emotions. Of any of you, they may cycle the hardest as change occurs. You knew that though, right?
And now that you believe us about the hww and how she's no prize? I second Matt's suggestion (and the others) that your ex get a paternity test at some point soon.
Navigating change is the hard part, Mighty. The way to deal with it is to keep your balance for YOU. That's the real "rule" of DB. That and learn to listen before you act. Just so you know
AJ
P.S. I'm dying to know what the deal was with the dress. I almost couldn't read from the tears in my eyes at the way you described that. You have a great way of telling a story. Kind of like Heather in that regard.
Mighty- I've just recently started reading your threads and all I can say is WOW!
You really have weathered a crazy hurricane and now it seems XH is getting a clue? Whatever happens you are in the drivers seat it appears. And how wonderful that S17 is interacting with him. I can see from all of your posts what a great, caring mom you are and I know how awful it is to see our kids hurting. I hope they transition through all of this without too much craziness.
Rooting for you!
Hey Matt. Yup, you got it- this chick is CLULESS! I mean, like so into her own world of her & her son it is unbelievable. Look, it's her world & we are all living in it.
And. Auuuuuuuuh, yeah - there will be a test. I have no doubt. I know he's thought it all along, but I also know that he was too afraid to tell her. Wtf? Who was that guy. Well, quite frankly, the guy I know has been showing up frequently the past couple weeks. And, that guy isn't afraid.
AJ, good call on many things. First- yup I need serious help w stfu. I have been fine keeping it under control w no contact. Slightly better w conversations, but to just be a listening ear- that's kind of new to me. It's embarrassing to admit that. But I can't fix what I don't acknowledge.
The kids.... I am thinking some family counseling should be in the works. Something's gotta give. My main focus is to stay on top of this. And I am feeling much healthier these days. I know, I've had some moments, but it's me. I like to think it's ok to be authentic to me, but just a better, revised version.
You have a great way of telling a story. Kind of like Heather in that regard.
Whoa!^^^^^^ wow! I am VERY flattered.
And yeah, the dress. OMG..... I don't even know. I've got nothin.
So, I'm wide awake. I can't sleep. I think my adrenaline is still pumping. I wish I could share my story...
Let me be clear. No one was hurt. Not physically. But, whew, it was eventful.
Oh daring! Hey there! Thanks for checking in. Never a dull moment, that's for sure. Hope you are well.
Go Mighty Go !Just caught up on your posts - a whole new thread started!
I am so happy for you. You are truly having a life changing journey. Congrats for staying in control of what you want - just don't let all these changes take over - keep that control.
Laughed so much about the dress - the image will remain with me :o)
Started off the morning with this text:
Let me make this very clear to you. If u ever step foot on our property again, the police will be called and charges will be pressed.
It was sent from xh phone. 5 min later xh sent, "that was from [fugly HWW]."
OMG.... Seriously. This chick is so clueless. Before we go any further... I get it and it won't happen again.
But OMG, she wants to make thing clear to me?! Is she joking?
And
"Our property"
This got me going this morning, I'm afraid to admit. No more. She's getting hers & it's just the beginning for her.
I left work early. D13 is really sick. When I got home xh was out front of bil's house next door. They were unloading more stuff. He had made another trip, but now hasn't come back & no word outside of text this morning. It really ticked me off. He is such a puppet & she is the puppet master.
I just want her to tell me herself. Why does he need to send her communication? C'mon! It gets me on so many levels. I'm calmed down now, but dang!
I know, don't give her the power. Ok, over it. I can find satisfaction knowing that I'm in HER head.
LOL. So the hww is fighting you to keep her new man? Has Jerry Springer been notified that somebody who should not even be in the picture is letting you know her boundaries, even though you want nothing to do with either of them?
Give it all the attention it deserves - none. It'll go away in short order.
AJ
I’m pretty sure that she just grabbed xh’s phone without his permission to sent you the text. She is truly a piece of work. Oh my, I can see the whole drama is just starting... I’m curios if xh is thinking to sell the house or leave it to her.
Mighty, don’t let yourself to be ticked off like that. There are a lot of things that are going to happen. She might show up at your house. He might still do things for her (like Christmas shopping), because he is going to feel guilty, you know. Plus, don’t forget about the baby.
I’m actually surprised that he moved out so fast after mentioning it. It was probably brewing for some time thought. She will start spinning and do all kinds of stuff. You, Mighty, will need to stay calm, the direct opposite to her. Smiling and holding your head up high. And, yes, you are definitely in her head, LOL.
Ummmm.. Yeah, AJ. Like, c'mon. Are you kidding me?! I just can't.... Even..... Blah.....
Bright! I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. Her taking his phone. She is the most clueless, self-absorbed, unaccountable person around.
Thanks for the advice. I need to heed that, for sure. Maintain composure. Regroup and keep it together.
I was thinking how these changes are slightly disrupting my focus. I need to stay out of their mess. It's theirs. I need to stay in my lane and keep focus on the kids.
Both kids have asked me this week if I'd get back w xh. Seperatly they've inquired. Just a few min ago, d13 asked if we could have thanksgiving together. Ugh. (The 4 of us had a nice one on thanksgiving every year since we celebrate on there wkend w my fam).
I said that I didn't plan on cooking it this year bc of my surgery. (I was just going to do something simple for the 3 of us & make it special).
She said I know, but we can do it Sunday or something. Oh boy.
It's so sad. We were so tight. This is hard.
Even xh told s17 yesterday that he looks at pics everyday at all our happy memories. He said that we used to do so much together and have fun together all the time. There is no denying it if even he is admitting it. This stinks & I don't want to look like the bad guy. Grrrrrr
Like I mentioned - be careful as things go wobbly.
Ah the holidays...
Seriously, your kids are telling you what they wanted all along. What kid wouldn't?
Keep your balance and have no expectations.
And as for the hww? The sooner you do NOT engage, the faster she will go away. I mean that. It's not that he doesn't have a few things to deal with on that front, but she can and will go away faster if you do not engage.
It'll all work out, Mighty. Take it one day at a time and be at ease.
AJ
Mighty,
You want to be the picture of serenity.
Hww the high-pitched shrew who attracts high-pitched police sirens.
Mighty, Its fantastic that things are going great.
Its early days so don't be pressured in to doing anything you don't want to do. Stay focused, its easy to get caught up in the rush of whats happening right now. Take a step back and breath.
Don't rush in to decisions you may later regret - do what feels right for you, not the kids and not h ....
youGood Luck - Stay strong - You are doing amazingly well, I would be a complete wreck by now ....oh wait, I am
Ok ... Mighty ... man your sitch is such a fast pace Thrilla-From-Manilla ... one has to keep up or they will be completely lost. What a rapid change in such a short time frame.
Nice to see the fog is lifting a bit, but yeah seems like hww is still gonna try to hold on. I would not have thought of the paternity test .. Great idea.
Hang in there Mighty ... no rules are good rules and sounds like your instincts seem to be working very well
You are Wonder Woman, I'm convinced.m your composure and level-headed ness is admirable.
I agree with others, the less you engage hww the more of your own power you keep (and bonus, it'll drive her insane). You're definitely in her head. Be the very picture of grace and rationality and it'll foil her behavior making her look even kookier. Sometimes there's more power in inaction.
The kids and YOU are your only responsibility. Take one day at a time and don't allow the llama drama to get into your head.
You got this!
P.s. I know someone who'd be interested in the rights to your movie.
You guys are so right on. Your words are exactly what I need. I am out of practice from this because I was pretty dim for a long period of time. And, being the passionate, outspoken person I am... well... that's just another way of saying I need a muzzle.
OK, really I can't believe I am here. I can't believe what is happening... that's why I need to stay focused. Plus, I don't even know what I want. But I don't want to be a crazy person who will make him say, "Oh yeah, who could blame me?!"
Oh, AJ, the Jerry Springer line was great! Loved it.
As far as the paternity test, I talked to xh tonight about it. He said when they told her parents she was pregnant, HER mom said, well you are going to get a test, right?
Say what?
Wonka, high-pitched sirens. Yes, I will have to remember that. It cant be easy since they work together. Ugh.
He looked exhausted.
Lou- right, right, right! I need to stay the course and not get wrapped up into anything. Yup, she is definitely trying to tighten her grip.
I still have a lot of "me" time in store. Thrilla-from-Manilla- that's about right!
When I first started coming here, I thought, eh, my sitch isn't that bad. I just need to do a softie db. Oh snap! Was I wrong?!
And Lou, you aren't a wreck! It's just part of the... hmm... fun?!
So... here is where it gets interesting... again.
Xh is staying next door at his brother's.
Aaaayep.
OK.
He came over tonight to bring a mug he took when he left last year. He said it was in a box. Well since he just moved all his stuff in next door today, into a small house with 3 kids, 2 adults, 3 dogs and an in-home daycare, I can't imagine he got right to unpacking. But, ok.
So he talked a little bit to me. I asked about her text. Right on, Bright, she took his phone right from him. I guess it was quite eventful. She is delusional. Seriously. I can't waste my thoughts though.
He wants to say something, but isn't ready. He didn't say that. I can just tell. I don't know what he is thinking.
But, as he was leaving, I said something, he was like, what? I said oh never mind, see you later. I closed the door and went into the living room. He came back through the garage and into the house and was like, what? Normally he would have just left. He was never one to really care what I had to say.
And, he said, "You know the relief s17 had when I told him about moving out? That's the same relief I have."
He looked like he had been through it, but he did look like a weight had been lifted. He says he has to find out about the baby.
I can't imagine what it is going to be like at work. Especially with the consultants there combing through everything... taking out people, big time. What a sticky situation.
But, I am going to stay out of it. Anyone who has been through the break-up of ow, please feel free to chime in. It is bringing up some emotions for me. To think he is emotional about that and feels bad when he walked out on me after 20 years. Not a good feeling.
This brings up a lot of things I have moved past.
OK, stay focused. Keep it about the kids. That's what matters now.
XH told me that he has my back. We will see.
I did tell him that regardless of everything, I am here for him. He said thank you and that he appreciates it.
I have got to pick up my gal game! Geesh... next door?! Seriously?!
Mighty,
You might want to check out Train's threads over in Infidelity. There's a lot of parallels between the two of you except Train's H didn't impregnate the XOW.
I think you could rip out a page or two from Train's playbook.
Ss... yeah, I was wondering if I could copyright my own threads?? My book is coming.
Wonka I will check it out. Thanks.
You know... I almost had a moment, guys. Didn't pull the trigger, but I was so close.
XH gave the due date (that, according to measurements, is accurate). Well... I counted back and xh was def with hww that week and time period. I read my texts from that time (I have them from the whole year.) It was my birthday. They were together. I didn't know about her, but the way things went down... ugh. Xh dropped a bill off the night of my birthday. I was upset and he kept pushing me and questioning me. He looked unhappy, but something was up. I just said that I was sad bc I spent my entire birthday wondering who my husband was with. He had the guiltiest look on his face. He didn't say a word.
That week was also the first and only temp check, if you will, I did, too. I was off that week, and had it planned. Early in the morning before he went to work, I texted xh and asked him to go to coffee. He said he didn't have enough time. I knew this wasn't true. And he would take the kids at that time, a couple of times, to breakfast. I did it early enough so he would be able to go. He was with her.
Damn it. I just don't think I can do this. Seeing those texts was so painful.
I composed a text to xh tonight stating that it is obviously his and xyz is why, and a "Good luck" at the end. I didn't send it bc I thought of Wonka's sirens! he is probably hearing it right now from hww, and I don't want to add to that as I know it is a lot to handle right now.
But
I just can't do this. I can't.
Big doins, M. First of all, you never have to apologize to me. You feel how you do. It's always your choice in how you act and what you say.
Your h's brain is on overload right now. He has mixed feelings about you and about her and if the kid is his.
A lot for him to sort out, right? Best to give him plenty of space to do it.
Remember that he was unhappy and thought the ow was the answer. Now he may be realizing that isnt the case but the there is the added element that the baby might be his. She represented the possibility of an end to the pain he felt in crisis. I know it doesnt make sense, but, we arent in a crisis so it wont to us.
If she wasnt the answer and leaving you wasnt it either, that means he has to start to look at himself. That's hard stuff for them.
Please try not to be upset if he is sad about what is going on with her. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but, it really isnt.
He is all mixed up and it's crazy up in his head right about now.
Please find your footing. Your children are watching. They need to not get their hopes up until and unless you and your xh figure out what you want.
M, it is always ok to be the you that you want to be. No one is living your life.
So, you said what you wanted to say to her. Time to leave that alone. She isnt worth your time and energy.
Mighty, you CAN do this. You can.
You are kind of all over the place right now. You need to get on solid ground.
Please try to get a hold of your feelings and not have knee jerk reactions. Those dont help anyone.
Take this one step at a time.
You can do this. We will help.
And Mighty -
don't make any ASSumptions about this baby. It could be his. Or she could have had sex with her ex that same week. Or she could be lying about her due date. Nobody knows, and nobody WILL know until the paternity test is done.
All you can do is keep on keeping on, and give some thought to what are dealbreakers for you. If this IS his baby, is that a dealbreaker for you? (It would be for many, but not for everybody.)
Whatever you do - DON'T take him back until he DOES THE WORK.....the worst thing you can do is take him back too early. And besides - no matter how he feels right now, it's possible that if this IS his baby, he might change his mind yet again. So just breathe, stick to the high road, remain noncommittal, and focus on YOUR internal work and GAL right now.
Thanks, uR. So steadfast and claming, you are. Right, no knee jerk reactions. OK, I've got to get a grip.
He is just so close. It is hard. I can just feel his presence next door. See his truck right through my front window.
STAY FOCUSED! I knew I would need to reiterate that to myself; hence, the thread name. And I called it!
I need to keep my eyes and attention on my kids. This is NOT about me right now. Not at all.
I don't think I can handle the baby thing. Honestly. I just don't. Maybe I am raw right now.
I do miss him. When I seem him, it just seems right. He just seems so much like his old self. But more sincere than I've seen... maybe ever?!
The truth is, I don't know what he wants, and I'm sure he doesn't know either.
Her and the baby. It is a lot to handle. For him, too, but added with the rejection and betrayal- and that's the result of it.
OK, back to praying. I need some guidance.
Sit quietly, right??
It's just all so sudden.
Yes, Ellie. You are right. And, I have no intention of any of that any time soon. He needs some serious alone time. And IF he wanted me... it would be a lot of work. Then I would consider it. I'm not there yet.
But, I guess what is so hard is that I do love him and it is so natural when we are together lately, because he is so much more himself. So I guess, especially with him next door, and us pulling together for the kids, the holiday, yadda... I just don't know that we can have even that "friendship" which is so natural for us, and then- BAM! Deal with that. It just may be too close for comfort even before all that.
I just can't be his friend with her in his life. So this is really difficult.
Sometimes there's more power in inaction.
Right. This is actually where I found my power. For months, I didn't react, engage, reach out. All the while he was softly scratching at my door.
I do think it helped move him along. My non-engagement. He was seeking something from me, even immediately after he nuked me. He was crying out, but trapped. He was confused, but I could always feel his pull. The more I didn't react or engage, I noticed that he never let up.
I need to find power in silence. Today, for example, it seemed very easy for me to reach out to him. He was literally right there when I got home. I didn't even look. I did my usual thing and walked right into the house. I never responded to the texts this morning. Tonight I didn't reach out. Then I saw I had missed a few calls and tm from him from earlier in the evening. I think about p/u d13, but she was home sick.
So he brought over a mug?
OK, and he is dealing with crazy train right now. Hormonal crazy train. And she is desperate. She left her man for this. Well, that why you don't leave your family for someone who already has one.
(And again, today, she said she doesn't understand why I don't like her. OMG, was this girl spoiled to death growing up or something? WTF??)
Power in silence. Keep doing my thing. Show all of what I have accomplished this year. I just can't lose footing because I get overwhelmed or emotional.
I joke with my friends at work... "I'm falling down!" Remember the Michael Douglas movie?
Falling Down? I said it years ago as a joke after a rough day. It was always a long-running joke. This brings a whole new meaning.
He wants to say something, but isn't ready. He didn't say that. I can just tell. I don't know what he is thinking.
Um, yes. He has a LOT to say. But it won't happen overnight. There's a lot that has to happen before he'll be able to talk. Could be years. But as you've surmised, it has to do with trust. Seems backwards from all you ever learned in the past that he needs to trust you, right? But think about it.
OK, stay focused. Keep it about the kids. That's what matters now.
No, you matter too. They may be the higher priority at the moment, but keep your focus on you as well. They are the higher priority at the moment for a self-serving reason too. If you don't handle that, things will wobble in a way that will not be pleasant to you. So really, the three of you are on equal footing.
And, he said, "You know the relief s17 had when I told him about moving out? That's the same relief I have.
It's a start. There's more, but it'll take a long time to unwind things. And no matter how things end up with the two of you, I strongly recommend friends at a minimum. For now, that might be a good place to work toward.
Anyone who has been through the break-up of ow, please feel free to chime in. It is bringing up some emotions for me. To think he is emotional about that and feels bad when he walked out on me after 20 years. Not a good feeling.
I agree with Wonka, but there's more in the archives if they have not been purged. Job had some really good advice to many a poster in the past regarding this type of stuff. I believe it was Raine that also had some good things to say.
I have got to pick up my gal game! Geesh... next door?! Seriously?!
If it helps, mine moved in a few blocks away. I almost ran her over a few years ago (on accident, I swear!). It is weird at first. Convenient after a while
Like I said, Mighty. Be careful that the change in direction doesn't throw you off. To keep your balance, you pretty much need to STFU and learn to listen. You will hear things you may not want to. You will feel things you may not like. But if you are detached enough, you might just find it is helpful to you both.
Job once mentioned that in the cycle of things, the LBS has the final say on staying gone. It may take months. It may take years. It may take decades, but it always plays out that way. If it hasn't, the story often isn't over... Many people on these boards have made quite the study of MLC and relationships. They've been through it and seen it. MGoBlue was another poster that might be helpful to you, but I think Wonka's suggestion is a great bet. And your own instinct vs. your feelings.
The truth is, I don't know what he wants, and I'm sure he doesn't know either.
Well, he thinks he knows one thing - he doesn't want to be near her. Regardless of his past, he took action on that. But let it play out and be detached. No expectations. See above about the value of listening. About the value of letting hww be the crazy one. Of remembering that you fought for your h and the marriage and the family, but not with hww.
And don't get ahead of yourself. This may turn out to be a respite. It may be something else. The choice is completely and utterly yours.
AJ
Mighty, I know the possibility of the baby looms large. The truth is that there is not getting away from it.
But now is not the time for you to get unhinged. You have survived a great many things. I know you will survive that if it turns out to be his. That is still an uncertainty, though.
I know its hard when you see them acting like their old selves. But he still has a lot to figure out. You want him to do that regardless of what you decide.
So, back on your path, right? One foot in front of the other. keep working on you. Keep the focus on the kids. Leave him to work thought his stuff.
AJ, I am going to reread, reread, reread that post.
uR. Exactly. Well said. I just need those elbow nudges. Often!
Anyone watching this Bills game?! 38-3 with 4 min on the clock. Don't go talkin' 'bout my Bills, now.
Thanks, guys. So much. You all have saved me from being Maniac Mighty tonight. What would I do without you??
We got you, M. And you got this.
Here's a light-hearted reprieve and banter for ya, Mighty.
Anyone watching this Bills game?! 38-3 with 4 min on the clock. Don't go talkin' 'bout my Bills, now.
Pffft. Bills who? I got my Pats! Go PATS! Super Bowl bound, baby.
No. Friggin. Way. Wonka.
PATS???!!! Come on! You're killing me!
Now I'm really *falling down*.
Say what?! Go Lions! Them Bills were on our turf tonight!!
Mighty - this turn of events is nothing short of fascinating. You hang in there. You are amazing! Hww ain't got nothin' on you!!
Catching up on your sitch. Wow! What a turn of events in the last week. I am so impressed by the way you handled everything and are staying true to yourself.
I totally get the "Falling Down" reference. H and I used to joke about that movie and having one of "those" days that go from bad to worse too.
You are doing so well. Remember Sandi2's last of the 37 rules: "37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes." You have come so far. Don't let this turn of events cause you to backslide if you can.
Count me as another one rooting for you!
Oh my gosh, ft. Thank you for the reminder. I need to go back and read that list.
I am really struggling right now. My mind and emotions are literally flip/flopping from one extreme to the other.
A few things that xh said, like she doesn't understand why I don't like her. He admitted to her texting him when we were "good". And said he didn't sleep w her until he left, but I reminded him of when I did a little research when he didn't come home one night (he talked me off at the time- one of those hindsight things). I told him it's ok, I know and I've accepted it. He admitted.
She thinks I shouldn't be mad bc we were seperated when she got pregnant. Uh... Duh... He was still my husband- just seperated and you were pursuing him LONG before that.
For Christmas last yr, I had gotten him UFC tickets & plane tickets and rented a hotel. I am never able to pull surprises off, but apparently he was preoccupied. He moved out dec 1st. But he was excited about it and said we will go. It was on jan 25. The week before texted me that he had the time off & seemed excited.
Then he got a promotion & was excited & said I would go w him on some of his travels. He went out of town right b4 our UFC trip. Texted me the day before and said he's not going and we need to proceed with our seperation and divide things up. The next day, the day when we would have left, he called and said we should have gone. Then came over and we all went to the movies & had pizza.
That's bc hww's x stayed w her on the weekends (he live ~2-3 hrs away), so xh would be around.... But SHE didn't want my husband to go with me, his wife. Same thing went down with her and our family vaca I feb. A trip we planned forever to Puerto Rico. It was booked last sept.
****hwws house w her x, which they bought 8 months prior, was listed on the market that Monday after xh & I were to go. Think there was some, "I'm selling g my house for you, you better not go!" Nonsense?!
Uh, yeah b!tch, that's why I don't like you.
Clearly, seperated or not, she had a say in MY marriage. And he let her. He admits it was wrong. For her to not get it is flabbergasting. Ok, so she will never get it.
That vent is over.
But I am going from here to there. I can't focus on anything. I can't even read others' threads, read a book, watch tv.
I just want to have a good cry, but d13 is in bed next to me still sick, the poor babe.
I've got to leave in 5 hrs for my surgery. My eyes are burning, but my brain is on high alert. This stinks.
I've been holding out a little. Someone who is very close w xh & I confided in me a few nights ago. They said xh has been opening up a lot the past few weeks. This person acknowledged that this never happens as xh is a clam when it comes to that. Apparently it has been many, many conversations where xh is allowed to freely talk & let it out. Now, this person didn't want to say too much, but felt I had a right to know since everything has been so hurtful & confusing.
I was told xh has been extremely unhappy. Was ready to leave after baby (must be he couldn't wait that long). That he made the biggest mistake of his life and just wants his family back. This next part is very fuzzy in my brain bc I have a hard time believing it. I have so many self protective sensors now, I think that's why I haven't acknowledged this internally or externally. In Fact the words are blurry & I don't remember exactly. Xh said he does not know if I'd ever take him back but he would do whatever it takes to make it right. Ok, the first part I'm clear. The second, I'm pretty sure & I remember saying that it was hard to believe bc he never really gave to our r. I do t want that to diminish out r, but he was the distancer and taker. Not the giver. So it's hard to imagine him fighting for me. On many levels, also, bc I don't see it. I did a little the night he hugged me, and a little at the banquet. I know he has a lot right now.
Xh said that I have always had his back no matter what. Whether he was right or wrong. That he misses his family and just wants it back. To me, xhhas said some of these things and implied some.... I don't know.
Just thought I'd get it out.
Oh boy, clocks ticking. Yuck... Not looking forward to Surg. Blah...
Love to you, Mighty:). You're in my thoughts and prayers. Always, my friend.
I can't imagine all the emotions that must be going through you right now. Seeing the "old" H that you loved so and not knowing what will happen with him and your R must be so confusing to put it mildly. Add the issues with S17 and your surgery and you are bound to be an emotional wreck (or at least I'm sure I would be). Can you sit for a moment and pray? Maybe take a minute to just "Be still and know that I am God" (my new iphone case has this reminder for me as I tend to try to control and fix things myself) and know that God has you and your entire family and even XH and the new baby on the way in His very capable hands. I find that when my mind is really going crazy if I just stop and pray for a minute I can often refocus or it can keep me from doing something I shouldn't. I just did this today when I had the urge and opportunity to snoop on H and OW and I was so proud that I overcame that temptation.
Sending hugs and prayers out to you today Mighty. Praying for an easy surgery and a quick and uneventful recovery for you. And some peace, you could use a few peaceful days.
Mighty, I’m sending you positive thoughts today. I hope your surgery goes well.
Sending you a hug, Mighty!
Mighty good gosh what a whirlwind. I hope your surgery goes well- sending thoughts and prayers all around.
I know you feel all over the place- but you really are handling it well.
Hang in there!
Mighty,
Thinking of you today. Hope surgery goes well for you!
I could try putting on a Patch face and voice, but I won't do Robin Williams any justice.
My friend, right now all you have to worry about is you. Hope the surgery went well and you are resting.
Leave the rest for a few days.
You are spinning, M. I get why you are. The thing is that as of right now, nothing has changed. You have no new real information, right?
Until he says he wants to come back and work on the marriage and then shows that with action, you dont need to do anything, except whether that is what you want.
YOu dont have to make any decisions today.
Please try not to worry about understanding her. She does not matter, Mighty. Who cares what she says? It holds no weight in your life.
Just focus on you and your kids and continue on your journey.
If reconciling is in the future, then you can begin to think about what you want in regard to that.
He still has a ton of stuff to work through. You want him to do it..either way this goes as he will always be in your life.
Hang in there, sweetie. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Rehashing all that happened and how and when will make your crazy.
Let us know how it went.
Hope everything went smoothly today.
Breathe. Rest. Don't spin.
Go ahead, though, and think about what you might need IF ex doesn't change his mind again (which he could) and IF the baby isn't his (or if you decide it's not a dealbreaker if it is).....what would YOU need from him before you would feel comfortable and safe with him?
I'm thinking something like he goes to individual counseling for a year, maybe after 3-6 mos of demonstrated good behavior you consider dating him, he doesn't move back into the house until you're SURE, he doesn't hint to the kids about his desire to reconcile (thus making you the bad guy if you decide you just can't trust him again) etc.
It SOUNDS like he might be heading to the right place for a reconciliation, BUT he could just be temporarily fighting with HWW and headed towards making up with her, or he could want to come home to you but not be willing to do the same kind of hard work and personal growth that you've gone through in the last year. Let him prove his sincerity by doing the work.
(and btw, there HAVE been people here who were willing to deal with taking their spouses back after they had a child with their affair partner - mostly I remember men who were willing to take their wives back and raise the child as their own. Me personally, I can't imagine having the constant reminder, and having to "share" my spouse while he co-parents with a former affair partner, but that's me - some people are better able to put that aside for the sake of their spouse and the child.
Mighty, hope the surgery went well and you are recovering quicker than expected
A lot to think about, but then again not. Don't get ahead of yourself. Great advice once again.
A little story for you. I know you're mind is having trouble focusing with all the emotions racing around. Take a deep breath and listen for a minute.
hww will not understand until it happens to her. Even then... She did what she did and your ex did what he did. For many, their mind will go into self-protection mode. It will rationalize everything as much as possible. Until... there is no more rationalization that can be had. The event will have run its course. hww hasn't arrived there yet and may never. Your ex? He may have. It's likely but not sure. As KML suggested, he needs help. He found one friend he could talk to. That's a good thing. He'll need more.
The story. I've been dating a lady for a while now. Her mom died a few years ago and it blew the family apart for a while. They were devastated. Her father had an affair with a family friend years ago. They reconciled a while later and the family worked it out. Except this lady. She has not forgiven her father. Fast forward to a year ago. The family found out her brother was having an affair for the last 3 years. The sil thought she was going nuts the past few years and was seeing a therapist. The father is a pillar in the community and teaches a lot of young people via sports. He was a cop for 30 years; recently retired. When sil found out, she lost it but not over the top. She was also relieved she wasn't going crazy. (I think many of us can relate). The kids? They absolutely lost their minds. All grown kids. One still won't talk to his father.
The sil and brother? It's slow because sil doesn't trust him. Because the kids don't trust him.
Because he has to earn that trust back. He's moving back in after a year of counseling and being ow free. After demonstrating that he wants to be trusted.
There's still a long way to go.
He's different. He is fighting to keep his family. That intent matters. She may not let him keep trying if he doesn't fight. She knows its her choice and she'll make it. She also won't accept less. But she also won't live in the past and use it to beat him down (as he feared.)
Be well, Mighty.
AJ
Shining, ft, Bright, GB, daring- thank you so much for your support and well wishes. It really means a lot to me. ft- I had many of those moments today. It was really nice, actually. I didn't have my phone or any distractions. I was alone a lot today at the hospital. It was very peaceful.
After I "woke up" I was so out of it and tired. I kept falling back asleep. They said I just needed to eat and drink then could go. I did, and fell asleep so hard. I hadn't slept in so long, and I needed anesthesia to finally get some good sleep. They closed the curtain and let me sleep for hours.
When I finally woke, they said I missed a really busy day. Many people had come and gone, while I slept through it all. They were really nice.
S17 was great taking me and picking me up. But of course, it was short-lived. Right after we got home, he started up. Then left. I was really disappointed bc at the hospital they told me that I needed an adult with me for the night, bc of the anesthesia. Normally I would have not really thought of it as a big deal, but my heart has been so clunky and weird lately, that I did heed what they were saying. I told s17 that I needed him home. But, he got upset and left. For hours. No good-bye or checking in. Nothing. So aggravating. So selfish.
Xh was not aware that my surgery was today. D13 is still home sick. She said xh came in today and was calling my name. She just said I left already (she said she didn't know if she should tell him about surgery- bless her heart, she is so protective of me.)
Weird having him next door.
Then I got a text before I went in for surgery from him asking something about s17. I wasn't sure but just said I had to go. About an hour and a half later he texted me saying that he hopes I have better days and get back on track at work because I am good at it.
I didn't see it until I woke up. Still groggy, I texted, "Thanks. Just coming off anesthesia."
xh: I'm sorry.
Me: No worries
I think I need some of that stuff around the house.
After he got out of work, he parked at bil and came straight to my house. We talked about s17. He talked some about his sitch w hww, but also commented that he does not want to talk about it every time. Me either. But it was a good talk. He said he had blinders on.
While at the hospital today, during one of my quiet hours (I had about 3 quiet hours, alone, before surgery- no distractions at all. It was like a sacred place- all in my gown, in a hospital bed. Hey, take 'em where we can get 'em, right!) Kids had no access to me!!
It was a continuation of last night. I had a thought. It was one of those realizations, you know, where you "know" and "get it" but can't exactly feel it. You know, like some things here are at first, dropping the rope, no contact, yadda.. hard at first, then it clicks.
(Crap- I know, Dad! Short story long, I get it!!!)
Well, I was super ticked yesterday about hww and her not realizing why I just don't like her. Dummy. OK, so I realized that her x saw my xh, and he waved to my xh. (He texted me the first time and told me about it.) But I was also aware that he didn't give a crap about her. He saw her for who she was and moved on. They were together for 2 years. She thinks it's the same as my sitch with xh. They weren't even married. Whatever.
Then, the part about her saying I shouldn't be mad she got pregnant bc we were separated. Dummy. She was messing with him long before that, when we were very much together, she was texting him. And we were just barely separated then. Ok, no need to rehash further, because I get it- she does not get it. And the fact that xh get's it- totally and has apologized profusely and acknowledges how wrong it is, helps in moving past that. She doesn't she never will.
AJ, you called it. You said what I was thinking. Yes! She may never get it. I can let her blow away in the wind. It is not my burden to bury. She will probably spend the rest of her life living like this. I asked xh today if she was spoiled rotten. I said that she acts like a spoiled brat who is so self-absorbed that she just doesn't get it. He nodded like, YUP! She still runs to mommy and daddy to do everything, and they still spoil her. I asked him if her mom is the same way and does not get it. He said that her mom does not get it either. Its funny, bc her mom is the one who babysat d13's friend since she was born. D13 and her would get into arguments all the time bc the friend was always acting like a spoiled brat. Ha! I just realized that!
ENOUGH about her! We did not talk about her or that one more time during the night. I ordered a pizza and xh went an picked it up. The 3 of us ate together and watched ELF. Well... actually...
Here is something about d13. She is probably the most talkative person on earth...
besides me...
I was just telling my friend the other day that xh and I would laugh during car rides at how long she would go on and on (kind of like my posts). We would watch the clock and just let her go and see if she could beat her record.
For the past year, she wants to tell me 10 million things at like 11PM when I am trying to get to sleep and she SHOULD be! Other than that, she has her face in her iPhone.
Tonight, she wanted to watch the movie. She would not shut-up. She was so giddy and happy bc we were together. It was the old her. I though she had grown out of it- nope- it was a sign of her sadness about the sitch.
When she left the room, xh and I both acknowledged it. I said yeah, usually she's like this, and I put my phone in front of my face and sat silently. He looked sad when I said that.
Anyway, it was a nice night. When s17 came home, xh talked to him a couple of different times. He didn't join us. I told xh that I think with him next door, s17 is going to try to assert himself now. What he pulled today, I think, was for show for xh. For example, xh asked, what do you want to say? S17 said, "Why are you here?"
Xh and I agreed that it was going to be a long haul. But he wants to know right away and stay on top of things.
It was slightly awkward, but also comforting. He did say something like he thought that problems with me were big problems and were not things that could be fixed in our marriage. He said he now realized they weren't big problems at all. And that comparing me to what's out there, that he realizes what he had.
Wonka- thank you! Your post brought a giant smile to my face!
uR- you are so right. Thank you for continuing to remind me of this. I finally feel it and can let it go. Let HWW go! I may still have some issues to deal with down the line, but, I realize, she is a fool who will never understand. Poor her.
Ellie, thank you. I have not made any decisions about anything and don't intend to anytime soon. I am very comfortable with things the way they are right now. It's nice to be friends again. I missed that. I have a lot of work to do. He needs some serious alone time. He has lots to sort out. I don't want anything to get in the way of that- for everyone's sake.
I am happy for the kids. I hope it can remain on a friendly, cordial, coparenting level. It is obviously best for them. And despite s17's outer shell, it is what he wants.
AJ, thank you. And what a story! Thanks for sharing. I'd like to know how things are later down the line. I agree with not living in the past. I hate what has happened. I can't wait to keep it in the past. I think there is some working through that needs to be done. But that's just it- moving through and DONE! There are things that I've already moved past.
Round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows!
Not even her!!!!!
I'd prefer:
moving along, moving, along, see what happens.
Not so rhymie, but better concept?
Oh yeah! (cant get rid of me that easily!)
Two things xh said last night....
uuuuhhh... I can only think of one.
We had a windstorm. A panel from my privacy fence blew off into the neighbors yard. When xh stopped over last night, I said, Look!
He had moved into bil next door yesterday. He said, "I didn't see that earlier."
I was like, "Were you back there?"
XH, "Yeah, when I moved all my stuff back into the shed."
Me: "What?! You better not have!"
xh: "I'm just kidding."
But I thought it was interesting that he had thought to even say that.
Xh was not aware that my surgery was today. D13 is still home sick. She said xh came in today and was calling my name. She just said I left already (she said she didn't know if she should tell him about surgery- bless her heart, she is so protective of me.)
He came in BEFORE he even went to work!
So glad you are ok, Mighty.
Dont forget to take care of you...because you matter, too.
Hww probably can't understand why you're upset, because your ex most likely lied to her. I bet the story was that your marriage had been over for years, moving out was just a formality, you hadn't had sex in years, yadda yadda yada. That's usually the way it works.
Btw, only you could make outpatient surgery sound like a spa day!!!
I bet the story was that your marriage had been over for years, moving out was just a formality, you hadn't had sex in years, yadda yadda yada. That's usually the way it works.
Yeap, this is what my H told to the girl he tried to hook up with.
Mighty, I'm glad your surgery is over and you are doing ok. It helps to have some sleep and rest.
Btw, only you could make outpatient surgery sound like a spa day!!!
OMG, Ellie!! That's what I kept telling them in my groggy state! The nurses kept looking at me all weird and laughing. I was like, Aaahhhhh this is just like a spa! When I was leaving, I told them all at the nurses desk, thanks for the day at the spa.
Pretty sad that it was the most relaxing day of the year for me. All I needed was no family, anesthesia, a bed, and a closed curtain. Best day ever.
You could be right, but I do know she was pursuing him in the beginning. He probably created something like that to justify taking the leap.
Thanks, uR. I am doing ok. Plugging along.
Hey Bright! Ugh, the lies. Booo! I hate that. I will be checking in on you soon. My brain hasn't been able to handle much lately, so I haven't been a very supportive friend. I feel badly. I will be around. Hope things are well.
And thanks to Heather who was sending me lots of support through text this morning as I was In The waiting room alone. (And letting me know I was being supported by my friends here. That's what I woke up to!
Just what I needed! XXOO
Hope the surgery went well. Relax and give your body time to heal. You may feel OK but you do need to realize your body has to get back to 100%.
Let me tell you about a member of my family. My cousin (I'll call her K) has been married for 30 years to a really great guy. That have 3 kids and seem to get along great. She went through a bad cancer scare several years ago and nearly died but her H stayed by her side and was very supportive. She is now cancer free. About 3 years ago a young girl got in touch with her H. Seems that 14 years before H had had an affair. The affair apparently lasted for YEARS and my cousin never knew. He stopped the affair without my cousin ever finding out. Well, what he didn't know was his OW was "with child" when they broke up and never told him. This girl has had a very hard life as her mother is unstable and sought out the father she never knew.
As you can imagine, my cousin was shocked. Not only did she find out about her H's affair but that he had fathered a child while married to her. Not only that it had gone on for years and she knew this woman. She had a choice. Did she want to stay and forgive? What about the girl? My cousin decided that it wasn't the girls fault that she was born because of her mothers having an affair with a M man. She is a troubled but nice kid. K decided to accept her as part of the family. This girl now has brothers and a sister she never knew. She has the stable influence of a whole family and has an escape from the craziness of her mothers life (she apparently has a history of "dating" married men, isn't very interested in her D, etc.). She also has a good relationship with the father she never knew which would have been hard if his wife wouldn't accept her. For the last few years she has been included in family functions, treated like any other family member by my family and is doing so much better because of it.
If it does turn out that this child is your H's and you do end up back together, this may become a choice you have to make. I know this is something that you won't be needing to deal with until much later, if ever (I still have my doubts about the kid being his) but it is something to keep in mind.
My cousin had a different sitch than you for sure. The affair was long ago and over for many years. Her H never left her for this woman. But the fact is your kids will be somewhat related to this child if it turns out it is your H's child. How you view him/her will be important. Like I said just something to keep in mind.
Mighty - i am glad you are OK after surgery - be nice to yourself, right now, you come first.
And i do know what you mean about the quiet times of hospitals. Also they take care of you there and you feel safe.
While we deal with MLC we can feel so uncared for and so unsafe.
Please take it easy and allow your body to heal. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Wow, Matt. That is quite a story. You know, you hear about these things, but you never really picture yourself in a situation like that. Well, at least I didn't. It's good for me to hear what other's do. I know that ultimately I will have to make a decision (well... that's if it gets that far), but it is nice to hear others are OK, no matter what they decide. It is a healthy reminder.
bea & job, thank you so much. I actually feel good. I am going to take this time to get some things done and enjoy some time at home with my kids (if I can get s17 to stick around. I will probably have to make lots of cookies or something. That may work.
This is hard to admit, but I am going in. I just want to get to the best place I can be. That means working through the not so good stuff, the stuff we don't like to admit, and the stuff we discover, of course, also with realizing and celebrating the good.
I think xh is like an addiction for me. I think I was addicted to him. That is why it was so hard to let him go at first. Along with the reality of what was happening and bd, addiction had a part in why I went into total shock and my body shut down.
I felt such physical withdrawal, along with mental, and emotional.
I yearned for him and craved for him.
I finally broke the addiction. I was OK without him. Contact with him was pretty much all negative, like the reminders of the horrible side-effects of an addiction. It helped me stay the distance. Made me see that I was unhealthy and want to make myself better. Remove myself from that addiction.
Now, those horrible side effects are not in sight. I see the pleasure and high of my addiction. I love it. And now that I've gotten a taste, I want more. Every interaction leaves me hanging wanting more. My thoughts of my life without my addiction have been slightly altered. Not in a sense of me losing my footing, so much, but of the short-term high. I don't always think long-term with my addiction, as addicts don't.
****
I am not showing desperation, and I am really OK, being alone. In fact, I don't want anyone in my space like that right now. I don't know what I want right now. But I do like the time together. But, like the addict, when I am with him, I want more. When I get a text or call, I am now happy and eager to open/answer, when not so long ago, it repulsed me. It reminded me of the time after bd, when I was getting led along, taking crumbs. When my phone would sound that there was a text, I would literally gasp a, "Huuuh!" and run to it. I almost feel that. Not to the same extent, but it leaves me wanting more.
This does not sound healthy. It is a very difficult place to be. I see he is being very cautious and taking things slowly. Although he has made no direct indication of wanting a reconnection, I believe there have been implications. However, I seriously cannot assume anything. And I would need to hear directly and see directly what it is he wants. I have a very hard time deciphering what the heck he is thinking. I try not to. I just try to go with the flow. I am not acting needy or desperate, but I also want to make sure I don't feel that way either.
Truth be told, I don't feel needy or desperate. I can tell I am much stronger than before. But, I know I have to be very cautious. And there are a lot of things in play here, too.
Oh yeah, a little downer about my spa day. My credit card and a Home Depot gift card ($100) were taken from my purse while I was getting my surgery. I had my purse hanging in my recovery room...
c'mon.. seriously?!
I noticed last night and xh was like, "You better call! Aren't you gonna call?"
I am so used to this stuff... it is just a day in the life of Mighty. I just shrugged, like no biggie. I was like, "Eh, I will take care of it. It happens."
I just laughed it off. He seemed surprised that I showed no emotion to it at all.
That reminds me...
My brain does not work! I mean it, you guys. Like, I had trouble focusing and stuff before. But I can't remember ANYTHING! At all. It is crazy. It is just like my brain is stuck in gear and cannot go in any direction. Short-term memory is the WORST! Like s17 will ask me where I put something, and I'm like, "I really have no idea." And I seriously have NO CLUE! It happens all the time. Not forgetful... Nothing... with no hope of thinking about it. Dumb.
Mighty,
There's a really good book which discusses the dynamics involved when a partner abandons a relationship. The author talks about the withdrawal the left behind spouse feels...she really goes into depth and explains the biochemical/brain chemistry of long-term relationships.
There are sound, biological reasons why you are feeling the way you feel...somewhat "addicted."
Text me if you want the name of the book.
I hope you are feeling ok today and got some much-needed rest.
:-)
Heather
Hi, Mighty, I'm glad to read you're resting and taking care of yourself. I love your attitude about the missing "stuff".... It succkkkks.... But, in the big picture of things? Eh.
Love you, my superhuman friend.
((((((Hugs))))))
Hey my girls, shining & Heather. Don't have my laptop bc xh "fixed" it & I no longer have connection. Gotta use my phone.
Man, he ticked me off tonight.
Things got intense w s17. Ended up calling police. I can't believe it's come to this, but he was in check tonight. Not happy, but followed rules.
Xh spent much of the evening here. Towards the end he started criticizing things. I was painting the dining room the whole night. I got so ticked. He was sawing things about the new bathroom I had finished. He asked if I wanted him to cry critique it. I was like, no, do you want me to critique your shoebox livingroom with furniture jam packed in it, which I saw for 2 seconds and you won't win if I say what I'm thinking. He was like, why are you getting mad?
I finished touching up the paint, did a quick clean up and got in the shower. A few min later he came to the door. He was like, bye, thanks. See you later.
I just said bye.
I don't know that I can do this. I mean, it was nice for a long time. He and d13 curled up on the couch as she caught him up on the latest. It was really nice to see.
But I don't need this. I don't need someone to critique me. How about saying something nice? I got the phone calls here at the house saying your and hww's furniture is in. While you and her shopped for your new house and you worked on that house & I was left w a disaster, not making a new house my own. The fun stuff. Doing electrical & plumbing & overwhelmed w EVERYTHING. Ugh, I just don't know that I can do this.
As much as I think do much less of HWW, I wonder things. Like as he says that, I get pi$$ed. Then I wonder if he is thinking about her. Then his bro sends a grp msg to a bunch of us. Xh who is in the msg obviously does not have phone. Is it bc if her? I don't think I can handle that.
He is home now, is he txting her? See I don't think I can do this. I punched the shower tiles. My hand hurts. That's the second time in a week. Last time it was a metal desk. Ugh.
Just say something friggin nice! Or get the f out. Bye, Felicia!
Oooooohhh, my friend, I'm sorry it was a tough evening.
Police called on S17? That can't be a small thing.
The frustration, anger, distrust.....all of that is soooo normal right now, Might. One day at a time.
You don't have to decide whether you can do this today.
Ok.....wait....who's Felicia????
Love to you, Might.
You know, s17 thinks he has everything figured out. He is just so disrespectful. It is unreal. And he tried swinging at xh tonight. But his mouth was the worst w me. Seriously for no reason. He had to be restrained. Blah, blah... I hate it. But I do think it was an eye opener for him.
Bye Felicia is just a dumb expression that I love. It's fun to say. Give it a shot sometime! It's like, whatev, b.
Just don't know. Things seem to be going too easily back to normal for me. I ain't the same chick, you know.
I mean, there should be a lot more compliments and much less criticism. Right? Making these comments while I was going it alone... And I think bout him w HWW. Grrrr... I mean, he does not make it sound like it was ever fantastic. But of course not.
Don't know, don't know. Of course, our time is about the kids, but damn. I don't trust the words or actions. But why would I trust Anyone? At this point, doesn't everyone have some kind if baggage?
Right. Freakin' on, sistah. Everyone has the baggage.
You. You are what matters. You are the jewel. I'm so in"awe" of you.
And..... I'm going to practice saying "bye, Felicia" for fun.
Because it sounds more sane than "bye hww". !!!!
Hi Mighty,
My D14 was reading something to me just tonight. It read that the human mind can only complely trust once. If the trust is broken, it will never be the same degree of trust again. So, you see, what you are feeling is normal. While you may learn to trust h sometime in the future, you may never be able to totally again. Definitely not without much time and work on his part. It's way too soon to expect that you won't have many feelings just like you described. Give yourself time, M. This is going to take time.
Happy thanksgiving!
Matt that is really interesting. And kind of sad. But I guess it's right, like putting protectors up. I know mine are on high alert. Which is also sad bc I am a very trustworthy person by nature. Prob why my stuff got stolen from my purse the other day.
****disclaimer***** I am a fast typer. My laptop is on the fritz and does not always key letters well. Now I have to use my phone & it obviously shows how I ruSh. I'm not drunk or on drugs or anything, just type fast and don't fix my typos. Sorry!!
Shining- ah, my girl. Love you too and what would I do without you? I can't wait for you to drop a "bye Felicia". It's so stupid but I love it.
Ok guys. This is a difficult journey. I honestly don't know that xh will be up for it. I have never seen him give that much effort into any r. I've obviously got a lot of hurt and anger to deal with. And questions. It's not about that now, I know, but I am not good at biting my tongue. I have, it's bleeding, but I think the words must be coming out of my ears.
Aw.... Xh here.... Back later.
Happy thanksgiving
Mighty I'm glad you made it through surgery well and got some rest. Sorry to hear about S17. It's not the same issue but my S 16 was admitted for suicidal ideation in March. It's really tough when our sitchs add to the usual stress and behavior issues of teenagers. I hope it gets better soon and you were able to have a calm Thanksgiving with exH.
Hi, M....thinking of you today.
I hope your day went well. And that there were no cops called. And no xh or hww craziness. And that you could have some peace today, and remember how awesome you are. Because... Superhuman. That's why.
.
And.... I'm ready for the No B!tchin' in yer New Kitchen reno update!!! Is that still happening? I mean, because you know....you need more to do.
(((((Hugs)))))
Hey my Thanksgiving peeps!!
Xh came this morning. Since the kids were still sleeping, we had some time to talk. He told me some things about his sitch w HWW. He has been wanting out for awhile. We talked about different things, which confirmed this was actually true. He told me some things he told her about leaving, like how everything is about her & her son. His kids never matter to her. (Told me She was always mad when he would even stop here to get the kids. She didn't want him anywhere near me.) He told her he always felt like he was in trouble. She told him she would change. He said he made it very clear to her that it was over.
She called him at 2:30 in the morning saying, "I can't believe you did this to me."
I said, why would she think that when she participated in it with you when you did it to me?
He said, that's what I was thinking!
Ha!
Today I was looking out the window, I am pretty sure I saw her drive by. Of course, she knows he is staying at bil next door. His truck was parked in the rOAD between our houses. Must be driving her crazy.
Bil had thanksgiving at his house today. Sil had asked me yesterday to come, I said no thank you.
Xh said his mom & bro were going to come and see me. They never did. Xh was here this morn. Left to go to the store (I sent him w a list) and came back here. He helped me do stuff around the house. (Plus I painted dining too
Last night!!). He had dinner here and stayed until like 10pm. I think he caught what d13 had. He wasn't feeling well this evening.
But he made some interesting comments. I told him I couldn't use the new cabinets we had gotten bc they won't fit. I was going to sell them & use the $ towards renos & use old cabinets (they aren't that bad). He said not to sell them, I can order more that will fit. I said I couldn't afford. He said just to wait.
I also said I was turning his old office into a big closet for me. The look on his face...... Haha! He said to wait on that too. I said no way.
He is getting shingles to fix the roof in addition (stupid contractor... New freaking roof... Blew off!) and is talking about helping w other things, too.
I was asking if he wanted things, like table, tv, carpet, etc. He seemed uncomfortable w that. I also told him that it was really good for me to live alone, especially since I went from living w my mom to living w him. I told him I have learned a lot about myself. I said, you should do it. It would be good for you. He looked the other way and mumbled something like, I will be soon.
We got a lot of snow tonight in a short period of time. It's really pretty. Xh was dozing on the couch. I went out & shoveled, then took the dog for a walk/run. I can take her w/o a leash, and we would do sprints. She loves it. And today is her birthday!!
D13 is the happiest little girl these days. She asked xh & I this morning, "can we get a Christmas tree today?"
After xh left, she asked if he was going to go back to that nasty girl?
Ugh... The turmoil and insecurity.... But she is enjoying every second together and doesn't leave for a second! Xh & I mad comments about how she hasn't been like this, even though she is a happy, social, well-rounded kid, I hadn't noticed how much she has been a little off. I just associated it to being a 13 yr old girl. Which isn't easy. But, I forgot how she is at 10 24/7 when her 'usual' self.
S17 stayed in his room all day. He did ask if he could go out since it is his friend's last day in town. Is said no, but friend was welcome to stop over to say bye. He didn't argue, just went back upstairs. He told d13 he was going to stay in his room until he graduates so he isn't sent to boot camp or anything. Man, I hate what it came to, but I hope it was an eye opener. At least he is here & not fighting.
I have to look into getting him off these meds. I thought about it. The kind was changed a little while ago. At first he said it was better w the anxiety, but I'm wondering if there is a connection w that & his behavior. I'm gonna look into trying to stop it & maybe try something's that were recommended here on the boards.
Wonder if I will sleep tonight?
Oh yeah, xh said he would think about me all the time. He said this is really weird, but I'm going to tell you what I always thought about. He kept saying it's really weird. Then he started getting teary when he said it.
He said he would always think about me being in his truck. Eating. And happy.
Ok.
I was like, did I eat a lot in your truck?
(Still teary, but half laughing) well, like when we would work and stuff.
Xh & I owned rental properties. We flipped all of them ourselves. We worked REALLY hard. It was all on the side of our full-time jobs. We would work 15-20 hrs a day sometimes.
But, yeah, we were always happy when we did it. It was hard, hard work, and nasty sometimes. But we made it fun & laughed through most of it.
Then I guess I would pig out or something. Never knew that's what he liked about me. No wonder we are divorced. I was way off!
I hope you all are well. I know I am thankful for all of you and you support! Xo
Oh daring, that is some tough, scary stuff w s16. I'm sorry. I know how difficult it can be. I had found out of an attempt after the fact. It's heartwrenching. I hope your s I doing better now.
Hi, M....thinking of you today.
I hope your day went well. And that there were no cops called. And no xh or hww craziness. And that you could have some peace today, and remember how awesome you are. Because... Superhuman. That's why.
.
And.... I'm ready for the No B!tchin' in yer New Kitchen reno update!!! Is that still happening? I mean, because you know....you need more to do.
(((((Hugs)))))
Hey babe!! Oh yes! I can't wait for that freaking party! You are first on the invite list. Btw.... I was thinking of you today. I was thinking that if xh feels guilty enough, maybe I can talk him into buying me a ticket to the lone star state! Ha! Wouldn't that be fun!
Oh yeah, shining, no cops tonight! But my neighbor asked if everything is ok. He has xh on one side of him, me on the other and cops coming around. Not a dull moment! You wouldn't believe the sets of eyeballs peeled to the windows on my street. And the whispers are flying!
So glad I could be such entertainment. Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I really don't care what people say or think about me. Really. I have way too much to deal w than to worry about other people.
Cheers!
Oh and I was telling xh I was originally planning on paying off my car and buying a new one for me. Then I said that bc of his behavior, I will prob just trade it and get a new one. He said, "well just wait a little bit. We will pay off your car and give it to him. Then you can get one."
FUN??!?!! You coming here???
Oh.
My.
Yesssssss.
The city would NEVER know what hit it!!!
What a great day you had! I love what you said to xh about living alone.... Heehee
Also, great to hear D13 is perking up. She HAS to be liking the fact that the tension is not at all what it was. That's huge, M.
Also, pat on the back to you for sticking to your guns on S17 not seeing his friend outside of the house. Way. To. Go.
Sounds like xh has been doing some thinking.... The way I read your post, he seems to want back in, but knows it's not that simple. I'm praying for you, M. Super hopeful that some real work will be done. Regardless of a reconciliation.... It will benefit the kiddos.
Love ya!!! MUAH!!!
The starrrrzz at naahhhhtttt.......are big an braaaaahhhhhtttt.......DEEP IN THE HEARRRRRRRRRRRT........heeeheeeheeeeeeeeee
OMG, I love you. You crack me up.
Hey Mighty, I’m glad your S17 calmed down a bit. I know what it is like to have a rebellious teenager. My son was the one when he was 16-17. I think I grew a lot of grey hair during that time. I hope you son will figure it out. It is a lot handle for him right now, but from what I’ve heard from you he is a good kid. Just assure him that you will be there for him no matter what. I know my son appreciated me sticking out for him in spite of the problems he caused.
It must be very overwhelming for you to have your sitch turn out this way. I think I’m getting into something not so good in my sitch. I haven’t posted it yet. Just don’t know how to approach it.
I’m glad that you are doing quite well after the surgery. You are one tough girl.
Mighty,
Talk to the doctor before you take son off the meds. You may need to wean him off them and not go cold turkey. It is a shame they ever put your son on them at his age. I feel that doctors use them as the first resort rather than the last resort based on my experience with wife and daughter. If I had allowed it, my daughter would be on them daily for 4 years now. Instead she takes a natural product only as needed. I feel she is learning how to manage her anxiety with the natural product rather than becoming dependent on the pharmaceutical. Good Luck
Lt, yes I totally agree. I hate that out society is overmedicated. For me, it is always a last resort. I don't even take something for a headache. I am weary of things....
I never thought in a million years I would do this for my kid. After I found out about the attempt ( which he had already been in counseling) and knew we were dealing with severe anxiety & depression, I would have done anything. Several counselors & psychiatrist kept pushing meds. I was hesitant, but even s17 said he needed something. I was so lost and scared. I asked millions if questions, including, how soon he would be able to get off, as this was hopefully temporary.
I did it w the intent of being temp (she said at least 1 yr). It's been about 1/3 of that. It is not helping as far as I can see. Things have gotten much worse, which is why I feel everything needs to change.
I will talk about weaning him off at the next appt. they do make him go for blood tests, which I will take him tomorrow to see what is in his system.
I feel for him. Not only was his family ripped apart overnight, he dealt w his grandmothers cancer battle (they are very close), his cousin (who he looked up to) killed in an accident, his best friend moved out of state, the neighbor who he grew up with and spent every day with (like brothers) had to move out bc of his stepdad, so now they never see eachother. He has been failing (honor student) the last two yrs & has seen everything he thought his future go down the tubes, he sees his sister doing extremely well in school & sports & everyone lives her. It's just been a lot for him to deal with. He said in front of xh the other day, "mom, do you know what it is like to look up to someone your entire childhood since the day you were born, written every project/ report about this person since elementary school and now you don't want to ever be anything like this person? Ouch.
So, thanks lt. I will def look into that recommendation. It is our first priority to get this kid back on track!!
Hi Mighty,
I hope you also look at what type of counseling he is getting. From my own research I feel that most counseling really reinforces the issue rather than help it. A lot of counselors listen to the person then validate and reinforce what the person feels. People who have depression and anxiety do not need someone to reinforce what they are feeling. They need a counselor who helps them to understand their feelings and then develop coping skills. My wife never developed these skills and we are where we are with her. Given how things have progressed with your son, I would definitely determine if his counselor is the right one for him.
Oh, well put, lt. Yes, you clarified some of my thinking. I actually have an appt with a new counselor coming up. I don't know what else to do. It seems really hard to find someone "good." He has lost his faith, too. I just need to find the right person. He has a really good core, I just hope he is able to work through this. Thanks so much for helping me with this.
I would look for a solution focused brief counselor. This type is focused on working on the immediate issue and developing solutions. You can look in psychology today to get a list of counselors in your area. they have a website where you can do the search based on type of therapy.I don't think your son has issues from when he was younger. I feel he is dealing with both typical teenage issues compounded by the situation between you and your spouse. He just needs some tools to deal with things. If he gets these he probably won't lash out anymore.
Not only new counselors, but check the meds and the side effects. In teens they can be detrimental and need to be watched carefully. Much more so than with adults.
Glad your surgery went well! It seems it went so well that you're now painting, redecorating, etc. Not a moment to stand still, right?
Hmmm. The ex. Seems he wants to come clean about a lot of things. Seems to be a torrent of information. Ah the holidays, right?
Remember though - your life. Your needs. Your balance. If you need him to go so you can be alone, then you should tell him.
Him remembering you eating in his truck? Why does that surprise you? That's when he saw you as you being you. Not anything else. i.e. when your real you shone through without a thought to anything else. People can be very attractive in those situations. I'm sure you have similar thoughts about when your ex was doing something and was focused on it to the point he didn't realize you were looking.
hww? She won't understand any of it because she has no life experience to draw on to understand it. She compares to her own experiences and...comes up short. Likely won't ever understand it - poor thing
Keep in mind, Mighty that emotions for the whole family are all over the place right now. Likely will be a for a long time. The only thing that helps that is your balance. Seems odd, but you are the center of the stabilization effort and only you can become the balance for the family. It seems that you need some alone time, and you may not want to do that again via surgery. I hope not anyway. But it may be a good idea to find a way and a time to be alone. If your ex wants to be back in the kids lives, maybe that would be a good time to let those three be alone together for maybe a weekend or something? While you go to a place (with a real spa?) and unplug your cell?
I'm not a therapist, but that's something that seems to work for you.
AJ
AJ, you are so friggin perceptive, it's unreal.
Glad your surgery went well! It seems it went so well that you're now painting, redecorating, etc. Not a moment to stand still, right?
I have incredible amounts of energy right now. I want to work out & go for a run, but I could tell it's not a good idea after running around w birthday dog yesterday.
The time will come.
Hmmm. The ex. Seems he wants to come clean about a lot of things. Seems to be a torrent of information. Ah the holidays, right?
hearing this stuff makes it so much easier for me to move away from it. Leave it in the past. Of course, I am sure he his hesitant to divulge everything, I think he is surprised how well I have handled it. He doesn't realize I am aware of a lot of it and have moved past it. He was shocked when I told him the furniture store called here when their order was in. I think he felt bad. He says he had blinders on. He also said he has made more mistakes in the past year to last a lifetime. I said, hopefully all of our lifetimes.
Remember though - your life. Your needs. Your balance. If you need him to go so you can be alone, then you should tell him.
I thought of this last night. That's why I just slipped out for a little bit. Shoveling and taking dog for a walk. Very peaceful.
Him remembering you eating in his truck? Why does that surprise you? That's when he saw you as you being you. Not anything else. i.e. when your real you shone through without a thought to anything else. People can be very attractive in those situations. I'm sure you have similar thoughts about when your ex was doing something and was focused on it to the point he didn't realize you were looking.
^^^^^^ that made me cry for some reason.
Mighty that emotions for the whole family are all over the place right now. Likely will be a for a long time. The only thing that helps that is your balance. Seems odd, but you are the center of the stabilization effort and only you can become the balance for the family.
that made me laugh. Scary thought for all involved... Including society. Ha! No, I can do this!
It seems that you need some alone time, and you may not want to do that again via surgery. I hope not anyway. But it may be a good idea to find a way and a time to be alone. If your ex wants to be back in the kids lives, maybe that would be a good time to let those three be alone together for maybe a weekend or something? While you go to a place (with a real spa?) and unplug your cell?
yeah, I guess you are right. I like trips to the library, coffee shop, parking near water- alone. Guess I hadn't really thought much about it. I did it a lot more after bd. but yeah, I need to keep at it. I have been on high alert w s17 24/7- even getting calls, emails, texts everyday at work. And going it alone does not help. I feel good and, ahem, confident in xh stepping up w this. And I am actually comfortable having him just hang here w kids while I leave. I was thinking it would also be a good way for him to ease his way back in w s17. Gradually and causally, but he will be firm with behavior. When s17 lashes out at him, he lets it roll & knows he had to get it out, but is taking a firm stance at what is/isn't acceptable. Whew! Same page, back up, right direction- hopefully!
Lt, I will look that up today. I ALS have the name of a holistic lady who helps with anxiety & stuff like that. I am feeling better knowing steps I. The right direction are being taken. Thank God!!
I agree not a lot of "good" therapist out there. I know I tried several. Now I found the right one, and he cost a lot of $$$, but I am on the right medication and I know I have gotten so much better.
You exH seems really tricky right now. You are right handling him with caution.
He sees that the good life for him would be back home with his family but he hasn't done the work on himself.
Hey Mighty- sounds like you're doing well and things are moving in a good direction.
I'm sorry to hear your son is still having issues- he had enough things happen to him this year to turn it all upside down for sure! When my S16 was admitted- the doc recommended "Dialectical behavior therapy". I had never heard of this but after learning about it I think it fits as a form of solution oriented. It's often done in groups but my son wanted none of that. Therapy really did help though.
I hope you can find the right resources for helping him. I know it is so stressful.
Hey guys. First, s17 is doing better each day. Today, he and his gf went and spent the day in my hometown at the "Festival of Lights". D13 was Elsa on the Frozen float, there were fireworks, hot chocolate, etc. They hung with my mom and went back to her house to eat (beef on weck- Buffalo thing!)and hung out with my parents. My dad texted me and said how nice it was and that they had a great time. I commented that it was nice for them to have some good ol' fashioned fun, no pun intended. S17 is getting slightly more comfortable seeing his dad around more. But he is excited about decorating for Christmas tomorrow! We have always gotten into it. He is not ashamed to bring out his playful side like that.
Things are coming along with xh. Lots and lots of talks. Lots. Not really dredging up stuff, but he is being totally honest (from what I gather). Some is more difficult to hear. Others is a relief to know that it really wasn't sunshine and roses.
It is honestly the script. Play by play. It is unreal. It is like you can see him trying to process what has happened. He admits that it was so out of control. That the whole time he didn't know what was happening. He always knew something was missing, but he couldn't figure out what it was.
He also said he does not mind talking with me about this. He will answer any questions, but he can only do it in small bits. I think it becomes overwhelming and confusing.
He told me a lot about hww. She is probably the most selfish, self-entitled, inconsiderate person alive. She is a big baby, her parents still spoil her like crazy. She completely fabricated a story about me to her parents, which xh immediately corrected and told her mom, you know how hww like to make things up. Her mom admitted to spoiling her. But, it does not end. They are selling their house to move into hww's and xh's new house.
Xh says she really does not get it. She really kept trying to figure out what my problem is and why I don't like her and accept their r because it has been so long (uhhhh... in baby years!) EVERYTHING was about HER son. TOTALLY spoiled. Xh said they are so wasteful and spent $ like crazy. Spent everything on the kid. Blah, blah, you get the picture.
She was always questioning him, saying, "You don't care about me!" When she found out she was pregnant, she was EXCITED (to be pregnant by a married man... omg) and was always throwing things in his face, like, you don't want this baby! Total psycho. Totally selfish. BUT, we ALL new that, right??!!
Yesterday was pretty intense. Xh said he was willing to do whatever it takes to get his family back. He said it was so horrible being there with her when all he could think about was me and the kids, knowing that he loves me and didn't care about her. He said he used to drive by my house all the time. For the entire year. Tomorrow will be 1 year since he moved out (RIGHT after bd). Man, a lot has happened in one year.
He told me a few times yesterday that he loves me. There was even a little smoochin.... Whoa.... been awhile. I miss him.
Today was a little different. He came over this morning. We went to d13 game. He asked if I wanted to ride with him, I passed and said I'd meet him over there. We sat together. Some awkward glances from people. Xh asked if it was weird for me or awkward for people to look. I said, "No. Nobody has to live my life except me." He liked that, I could tell.
We met up later in the afternoon (he is next door, after all). I needed to get a few things for the house, so we went shopping together. We looked around for some Christmas stuff too and discussed who was going to get what. We went to dinner at a place the kids and I like to go. Nothing fancy. He was a little more distant today. He is majorly stressed. Majorly. He is not looking forward to the next month. I gave him some db techniques and some things I've learned as suggestions to help deal and not dwell and stay stressed. He was very appreciative of the support. He has been very alone for the past year. He said he and hww really didn't do anything together. He didn't really like being around them, especially since it drove him crazy she spoiled and babied her son. (Oh boy, that only makes co-parenting more difficult.) He hasn't talked to any friends, his mom just met hww a couple weeks ago. He said it was tough, his mom didn't really talk (and when he told her on Thanksgiving that he'd moved out she got the biggest grin and started crying, saying she knew he wasn't happy in that sitch.) Xh hasn't spoken to his dad in over a year, who was recently in the hospital, or anyone for that matter. He said it was just like he went off into his own world for awhile.
He is ready for this to be done so he can figure out the next step for himself.
He talked about our future together, on a few different occasions.
Hww is going crazy. She keeps driving by. Many times. Bil next door has cameras on his house and looked on them and saw her many times, specifically on Thanksgiving. XH had dog doo on his door handle of his car. He got a text from someone from a friends w benefits site. I think her and her friends are playing at their maturity level..... nice. I just laughed and told him not to let it bother him. She also has called and texted a few times. She wanted help with the fireplace tonight at 11:30. Yeah, right. It bothers him a lot. He says he just wants it to be over. (bothers me too!) She really got to me tonight. I removed myself for a little bit. Then, when we talked, I was honest. I said that I don't know if I can do this. I told him that I don't want to tell him what to do or how to handle her, but she is so toxic to my life, that I just cant do that. I feel bad that he feels more pressure, and from me, but damn, there has to be a boundary there. I was like, you had no problem shutting me down. I also said that It is not my place to tell him what to do or how to handle it, and that I was sorry for even discussing it, but I felt I had to be honest. That I had to set some kind of boundary bc she has had too much say in how things have been in my life for awhile and that I just couldn't let it continue.
OK... seriously... I can't believe that I am not only sharing this... but that the saga continues.....
I had heard a rumor this year about s17's counselor. That something had happened a few years ago.... whateve. I was like, well, I don't know anything about it, and she has been great for s17 and communicated and spent so much time dealing with him, that I am very appreciate.
Tonight xh said something about her and the rumors. Since hww went to this school, I was like, what, is she running her mouth? He said, actually, yeah. He said that in hs, the counselor *supposedly* messed around with hww's boyfriend! WTF!!!! Are you kidding me? The rumor I've heard was about hww's boyfriend!!! And the funny thing is that the counselor and I have talked about my family sitch, and she knows it's hww, but did. not. say. a. word. obviously. But she must have been like NO FREAKING WAY!
It never ends with this. Ha!
Xh has repeated over and over how much he has messed up this year, how many people he has hurt, and said that everything is his fault.
He is VERY worried about his job. Not only because they are going through making cuts right now, but, he is worried hww is going to bring the drama into work and make the risk of getting cut even greater. I just told him not to respond to her crazy. Let her burn her own bridges. Don't respond, especially on the clock. Let her be the one to do it.
Oh, and she is having a C-section. So the unknown, traveling due-date should be known ahead of time. Who knows when that is. He is so confused about that.
You can tell that so many things are so confusing to him. He cant remember a lot of things. Some things are very unclear, and he is not being disingenuous bout this, he really is trying to sort stuff out. He said he really just does not know what happened or how. That he was never happy with her, it was a disaster from the beginning. All about her- and never satisfied.
He also suggested that we go to counseling. This is new. He adamantly refused before. Now he suggested it. He said he new insurance does not cover it (mine does) but that he does not mind paying. He said we have a long tough road a head of us, but that he wants to do it and will do whatever he can.
Wow. This has been so crazy and so fast. I know I have to be very, very careful. I know. I get it. I feel confident enough to take this walk. Slowly, to see where it goes. I feel OK knowing what I want and vocalizing that. Fighting for that. But I will not settle, be taken advantage of again, be taken for granted.
Oh, that reminds me... one thing xh said (there were many poignant things... like he has really been doing work. He admitted this. He said he is much different. He acknowledges he still has a lot to do and want to put in the work, but that he is not only aware of his mistakes, but has made changes... and kept bringing up how he had so much anger)
OK, he said, "I would get angry when things would happen around the house. I felt like everyone took things for granted. I realized I took my family for granted. And I walked out on them."
Sooooooooo tired....... Good night!
One more thing... the other day we were talking and I said something about MLC stages 1 & 2, but did not refer to them as that. He said, how did you know that? I kind of laughed and said, do you remember when I was talking to you about MLC? (before I knew about db). He said yeah, and inquired a little more. I casually described replay. He was like a little school boy who wanted to learn as much as he could. He asked, genuinely, "So what's next?" I just laughed and said, well that's really up to you. But my guess is you will try to take good look at what happened and try to figure it all out. Probably you have learned a lot, so maybe you want to apply that to the next part of you life. Grow, become the person you want to be, and live a happy life.
He also said later that he does not want to blame it on anything, just step up and fix it, because it is his fault through his choice of actions.
Tonight he said that he has learned so much. He know what's important in life. It's not all about money or anything like that. He made several references to how he "sees" what is important. I can say, it was very genuine and sincere. I can see some real growth in him. Like the man I always knew he was without all the hurt and damage from his past. It was like he was able to filter it out of his system and leave the core person who he is. The good person. On a much more mature level. Ironically.... after all this...... Raise your hand if you are shocked by this.....
OK, raise your hand if you are happy to hear of such a mixed up, sad person work through some serious stuff and start a journey in which they intend to work through the rest. To become better. To become whole. To become happy.
Look, I know it is early on. But I also see commitment and determination in him to sort himself out. And we all need to start with ourselves!
Wow, M. How amazing it is to follow you and see this unfold!
I hope so much for you, that things continue to improve. The honest talks are great. I'm hopeful that his actions match his words. Time will tell.
The tough parts are yet to come....so they say.... If anyone can handle them, it's you, Mighty.
Love you, girly!!!
Mighty, I’m raising my hand twice… This is amazing! Hang in there.
Mighty - both my hands and feet in the air !!
You have an amazing story, you keep me on the edge of my seat - I am willing you both a happy ending - whatever it may be.
You are truly an inspiration - thank you for sharing.
Oh Mighty! So much has happened over these last few days. Take your time. No rush. Keep focusing on you and the kids. Glad S is doing better.
You are awesome. I'm cheering for you with big Pom poms !!!!!
Mighty, I am happy to hear things are progressing. Can I make a suggestion? Keep your eyes on the long-term and not the short term. There's still choppiness ahead.
And be careful providing advice. Things work in square circles for these kinds of episodes. Two steps forward, one step sideways, cha cha cha.
Glad your kids are doing well and that you're still healing. And that you're getting the chance to heal together with ex. Don't forget about the alone time though. It's a lot to handle and might be better absorbed if you have that recharge time.
Just a few thoughts.
AJ
Whew! Thanks guys. Yes, AJ... I need to make sure I give myself some sufficient alone time. I can't lose that. I need to stay focused and not get off track. I was on the right path, and I don't want to falter.
HWW was still blowing up xh's phone today. I know one thing is that she said he $hit on her son by not coming over last night.? She is so clueless. Why does he owe her son anything. And why would he leave his kids for hers. And if that is $hitting on her son, what do you call what she did to his kids?! She is amazing. I have never heard of such a thing. Never in my life have I come across someone so self absorbed. Ever.
I didn't realize she kept texting him. He just informed me he was going over there. He said she has accepted it and needs closure and they need to figure out what do do w house.
I have that everyone runs to her. She is a master manipulator to get what she wants.
I'm glad he was honest. I am uncomfortable. This is very difficult, especially because of how she is. Pity party for one. Ugh. I want to go and give her a reality check, but that would do no good.
He said he just needs to do this. If it's a set up he will leave. But he just wants the craziness to end. He said it has been a year of chaos for him, for me, and for the kids, and he just wants it to end so he can focus on the kids.
I wonder how long this will be. I am cooking now & doing things, but I have a put in my stomach. But, at least I'm in a safe place, not really having to deal w the drama.
Oh yeah, I asked xh if HWW was talking a lot of crap about the counselor from hs. He said oh yeah. I laughed and said that it was funny that she is still angry about her hs bf getting a bj yrs ago, but she can't figure out why I'm "still angry" bc it's been so long. OMG she may be the dumbest human on earth.
Ok, deep breaths, prayers, and dinner. Stay focused!!
I sure wouldn't let your son see that counselor anymore.
As for all this drama with HWW... you realize, if this does turn out to be H's kid, that this will not end....it'll go on for the next 20 years. Think long and hard before committing yourself to that.
Yup. I know that and haven't committed to anything. I think I could be there for him for support, but I did tell him that this is too toxic for me. I also said that one month this may not be over.
She is a nightmare. He's still there. It's been over an hour. Oh well. I'm trying not to let it bother me. Doing stuff around the house, good music playing, candles burning. I know I'm in a good place. Don't know what's next, know it's not going to be easy, whatever it is, but I am just trying to remain as level and grounded as I can. Being in a place I like. Giving myself personal space to enjoy myself, peace, life, all that jazz!
Mighty, has it occurred to you that your ex needs to finalize things with hww? Keep perspective - this is his mess. He NEEDS to take care of it. This is part of his growing up and finalizing his own issues.
I'm not in that position, but I would think it's in everyone's best interest if he cleans it up without anyone else helping.
She'll move on to her next victim before too long. Your ex may take a bath on the house and in other ways financially. It's a hard lesson to learn.
Let's see how he handles it shall we? And then wait a few days to see how it plays out.
AJ
Mighty,
My hat's off to you!! You came out of this sitch with guns blazing and who won? Yeeesss...you did. YOU!
You might want to read up Train's threads over in Infidelity and Raine's in MLC. Since your H's at the stage where he's opening up more and more about the affair, I think this is also a good time to check out Dear Peggy website and print out an article at a time for your H.
Be very sparing with this as you don't want to spook H with too much information all at once.
Keep going, baby!!!
Oh AJ, I know, I know! It still is difficult. I understand this, but it's still uncomfortable.
Thanks wonka! You were in my head tonight... I kept thinking.... Do be the sirens... She's got that covered.
I see two steps forward, one step back. We talked very briefly when he got back. He was there 2hrs. I was pretty quite, mainly bc I just thought he wanted to talk. Since I'm pretty much quiet when I sleep.... (Scratch that... I talk and yell in my sleep, and honest to God, I laugh in my sleep more than anything- since I was little!).... He thought something was wrong.
But we both agreed that we need to take things slowly. He is so overwhelmed and I think he sees himself rushing and wants to tap the breaks. I said that I wasn't ready to go so fast and that I felt he was making assumptions of things that we hadn't discussed.
We agreed that right now, the focus is on the kids. However, I can tell he needs me now, but he is very scared, confused, and this baby sitch has got him very overwhelmed. He's kind of freaking out. And of course, she is wanting him to pay to take care if her.... Blah, blah.... She does not get that he is not responsible for HER! Just the baby, if it's his, but those are her meal tickets. Oh, and she tried using her son, again, to guilt him... Oh he misses you and keeps asking about you.... Uhhhh..... What about when she took this little kid away from HIS dad so she could participate in breaking up a family.
Rant over. She is toxic and unhealthy.
Freakin $hiz... If this is his.... OMG..... What an eternity of disaster.... I realize why he is freaking out...
Oh yeah, he said, just stay as strong as you have been.
It's like he has no emotional energy to put into a r now, and that stresses him. Hey, I totally get it. I wasn't pressuring- but I think he could sense I as a little agitated when he said he was going there.
But he called me to let me know before he went. He texted when he left, then called immediately after. We talked briefly (he's at capacity now with "dealing"), and texted me a little bit ago, "Don't worry, be happy! Night"
I think he is looking to me for strength. Regardless of what I want, will want (all a ??), I feel I need to give it to him. I can do this. I've held it down before. I can continue to do this and help him, too. Like gently holding his hand through these murky and rough waters. He needs someone and he is looking to me. Not for a r right now, but to have his back. Help give him strength and guidance. He needs to guide himself, but I can walk quietly with him. I think that's what he needs. I need to keep expectations at zero. To continue to strengthen myself.
Thanks, guys, for so much support. It means the world to me.
I admire your desire and ability to have his back after all that has happened. And to try to have no expectations along that ride is more that I could give, I think. How are you doing that? Meow will you keep your expectations in check? I'm amazed at your strength and tenacity.
I seriously don't think I could do it. (((Hugs))). You're an incredible woman, mighty. Incredible.
How could you not be his friend through this? I mean, you could wash your hands of it, but I don't think that's the real you vs. being his friend and enforcing your boundaries. Quietly. Lovingly. And with the grace you have inside you.
No matter how things turn out, Mighty, I doubt you could just coldly walk away. Ss, you too. Humans are funny creatures, but we don't (normally) just discard somebody we love. Hard as that is to think that somebody did that to you, doesn't mean we return same. It would lessen our own humanity if we did.
Get some sleep, Mighty!
AJ