Holidays and the MLCer....

[uRworthy]

Thought I'd repost this....hope it helps.

This is the time of year that is perhaps the most difficult on this MLC journey.

For the MLCer, with their inner turmoil, the holiday season can sometimes leave them feeling boxed in and pressured. Their depression can seem to intensify.

The holidays remind them of a life they think they no longer want. So, you may see more distant behaviour, depression and anger.

It is really important for you to remember this has nothing to do with you.

Really try to detach. This is their journey - one that they have to walk. Your job is just to get out of the way of it.

Your children are looking to you to make them feel safe and loved. Make new memories with them. Cherish each and every moment. Start new traditions.

For some, you are the one that gets to spend this time with them. Lucky you.

Remember to rest and eat and take it one day at a time.

[GoatGal]

Good reminder, uR,


I was thinking about this holiday season for that exact reason. Last year we were in the throes of OW discovery and my meltdown.

This year is winding up almost a year of separation, and my H showing signs of coming out of his MLC funk.

(Note: I do NOT think he's close to done, just that the depression seems to be lifting.)

I have plans to visit my mother on Christmas, and have local fun, GAL plans with friends for Thanksgiving, New Year's and a bunch in between.

I am setting up my schedule to reflect my life as a woman whose husband is planning to divorce her.

Now, if H wants to do something with me or the "fur-kids" he can suggest it/set it up or not.
We always did a little Christmas for them with "Santa Paws" and they all got little presents, treats, whatnot. And we made our annual trip to the SPCA to make a donation, with pups dressed as Santa and Elves (Too cute, I know. I used to like that though and so did H.)

This year that will not happen.

However, on Thanksgiving I might make a nice meal for MOI and pack a nice box for H to take back to his place to share with his landlady.

No expectations, no pressure.

If he wants more, he'll have to ask me.


---(G)GGG

[CaliGuy]

Yeah .. I have already recieved a good dose of this .. but I do feel I took it as an oppurtunity to flip it a bit, Like GG my MLC W is no where near done .. but I do see her poppin that head out of the MLC tunnel a bit. The depression is there for certain .... she admitted this and said I can not help her .. I disagreed that I if anyone was one who could .... she atleast did not deny that.

Holidays for me ... at this point uncertain Like GG last year was cruddy as it all came unexpected and I found myself alone .. only to learn after about OM ... Her family is local, I do want S around family .... even if that requires me doing my own thing solo I will make that sacrifice for him. Atleast there are no surprises this year .. I have had a year of MLC and seems you can have expectations on the unexpected ...lol

[2BHappy]

Holidays....Im praying that my M is on the path to getting BETTER. BUT I'm prepared emotionally, I will focus on my S14 and family and enjoy the Holiday's!!

[job]

To tack a bit more on to UR's thread:

Every year, between Halloween and St. Patrick's day, the forum sees a flurry of reconciliations posted here. They may begin around Halloween, and generally end by St. Patrick's Day. And the question we tend to ask ourselves is...Why?

The holiday season kicks off w/Halloween and ends w/St. Patrick's Day or if Easter is later in the month, then Easter may be the end of the holiday season. The holiday season pulls on the nostalgia of many of us, i.e., WS and LBS alike. Maybe the WS isn't welcome with OPs family, or isn't ready to go public with OP. Maybe they want all the traditional experiences and don't have any traditions with the OP yet. Maybe we're feeling so down, we lower the bar, and will accept anything to have our old marriage back.

In any case, by the cold light of March, the weaknesses in this plan tends to shine through. This is not to say that you can't reconcile during this time of year! You can absolutely remain open to the possibility!

Just do yourself a favor and be very cautious and move very slowly during this period. If it's real, a reconciliation will survive your need to take your time, especially during this emotionally charged (and often alcohol-lubricated) time period.

Don't be surprised if there's a rush of newbies that begin to post on the forum during this time. The holidays are an emotional pressure-cooker, and come Jan 1st, a lot of WS "pop" and feel the need to run/separate/divorce.

One other reminder, keep your expectations very low or even on zero during the holiday season. Your MLCer may peek out of his/her little rabbit hole to visit and play nice for a wee bit of time and then scamper back to their safe little corners in the world. Some will test your patience, and yes, play the drama card during the holiday season. Why? Because they are miserable and they want to remind you that they are still out there and want you to be miserable too. Don't buy a ticket to the drama show. Leave them to their misery parties and their little rabbit holes.

Whatever happens, live your life to the fullest and enjoy the holiday season w/your family and friends. You only have one life...so enjoy the gift of the present each and every day.

[Mighty]

Great reminder, uR. Very interesting for all, as there are different sitches, memories, and mlcers involved. But, it is a time of pressure for mlcers. I think for LBSers, hopefully, it is a time for celebrating our blessings. New memories and traditions, perhaps?

XH moved out Thanksgiving weekend last year. It was three weeks before Christmas. These holidays have always been a big deal in my house.

This is the time of year that is perhaps the most difficult on this MLC journey.

For the MLCer, with their inner turmoil, the holiday season can sometimes leave them feeling boxed in and pressured. Their depression can seem to intensify.

That part ^^^^^ will be interesting for us. With my kids not going to xh's house and the dynamic of their r. I wonder where xh is projecting his inner turmoil. Baby on the way, new family... does he feel the pressure there? No real plans with his "old" family.

Who knows... I am counting my blessings and look forward to a wonderful holiday season with my kids and family. No pressure here!

[GoatGal]

Wow. job. Great thinking.

There is also a run on euthanasia at the veterinary hospitals around the holidays.

Sadly, it's often because the kids are home from college, or friends and family will be visiting and Fluffy is now incontinent.

Or the family is traveling... or they got a "new" Christmas puppy or kitten and Fluffy is "old" now. (Usually not really old, just not "new". Kind of like us.)


---(G)GGG

[forward]

all good reminders...I would add that clearly, it is time for new traditions for YOU!

Buy yourself a present. Or two. Spend some time reflecting on what YOU want for the new year. Focus on taking some steps towards new goals. Clear out old junk. Enjoy the peace. Do something you like that your estranged spouse did not like.

January 2 will arrive and the holidays will be over. They ain't all that. You'll be OK!

[nero]

hey hi-

good stuff to keep in mind- didn't even occur to me to wonder what is going on with him. I'm in my own little (i guess - now that i read your post) holiday "ultra sensitivity" nmode. didn't think of either of us being delicate. i am and i know - tho looking forward to thanksgiving dinner being like "old times" alot- with my neices both home, their kids, etc. holidays were always at our house and always fun . soo, who knows, i'm cautiously optimistic about feeling "good" about anyting.

yesterday i got in a stinkin twirl because happend to see ow phone # in the memory of old phone calls. idk why her # should even be anything like a surprise- just a big reinforcement of what i know.

i wish i felt "wise" and that I knew what the heck i am doing here- involved still in this life and what the heck i think i'm doing in general. i'm not so sure it's "standing" really. i'm not so sure what in the world other than "waiting" for enlightenment of some sort about this all. . i still find my gut stopping me and saying "don't do anything rash when you're upset and "unsure" in general". wtf is that????? anyway. so i stfu - go out- act as if - and STOP myself - yet again. oh well-

as dumb as it sounds - it was more like: i have to say i just do not like being "unimportant" in life. as silly sounding as that is. i would have liked to feel loved and very very important in at least one person's life (by now - 63 yrs old) . i don't - it would seem. just me and my usual trouble "letting go" in life- antiques, junk, ingredients for a wonderful project, men, relatives, sisters, mothers, old "life" , old feelings, old memories, etc.

the ultimate emotional "pack rat" as well as physical. whatta surprise huh?

idk- your little note put it in perspective kind of. i got soooooooo in-a-twirl yesterday. nothing big really-just i guess the stress of being here, where we lived so happily for soooolong- and is now the scene of his cheating, etc.- i guess it's just knowing all this and having it "in my face" in this old place that was so fond- and now, really, i don't know what i feel about here, him, etc. it seems like "running away" to never come here- or ratifying his bid to keep me in my little kennel in nj- visit when he feels like it- and being relegated to a little corner of his universe. ?! - knowing we all are only a part of each other's lives. nevertheless- the physical fact of being "kept" somewhere -

it's a mess of a life and lifestyle i've gotten myself into. no going back to re-figure where it began and where i "went wrong" - talk about a useless prospect.

i'm thinking not knowing is alot better than being hateful or mad or miserable or resentful or all the strong and definitive things i "could be". huh? a small victory ? - a degree of detachment that lets me not be foaming at the mouth (nearly never thse days - yay) - just being kind of "outside" all that/? i wonder really...

So yesterday - just went out all day and didn't talk the rest. felt on dangerous if i talked because there was not one damn thing useful to say - about anything.

it's soooo out of character for me (to not have anything to say) i can't figure still wtf to think about it. uh hem- i know you can "see" i'm more of a talker than not.

oh well- just checkin in and glad to read your reminder.

hope your holiday is nice - hope everyone here has a nice holiday and manag4es to just have a bit of thanksgiving peace- fingers crossed for all ofus. lots to be grateful for - honestly- so goin with a good thought.

xxoo thanks again as always.

[123Gwen]

This will be our first holiday season apart. Have made fun plans with friends and but I admit I am very nervous about my emotions. It really is a no win situation. Not hearing from him is sad and hearing from him would be difficult. There is no way to handle this correctly this year.

Someone told me that you don't get over this kind of thing. You have to get through it in order to heal. I take solace in that philosophy. I am just trying like h*11 not to get stuck in the muck.

[Georgiabelle]

Gwen,

The holidays can be difficult enough and adding a difficult sitch to the mix makes for a big poopy feeling. I agree with the adage that I don't know if you "get over" this. I do think you work through the feelings, thoughts and work towards healing. As painful as it is, you WILL be okay and can in fact be better than you were before. It's a process-a painful one at that. No pain; no gain.

Try not to put much pressure or expectations on the holidays. Just focus on you and your kids. Enjoy the good stuff and it is there. You can never get this time back with them.

Hang in there.

[nero]

hey - hi from the muck -

i'm not sure if I'll ever get "free" of the muck my dear. We are spending holidays together - as we always have (?)(!!). why he bothers - i'm not sure. why i seem to need some kind of "togetherness" in life from someone- rather than sit around alone - idk. i'm tired of thinking about it- trying to figure anything out. some days i feel like i must bea needy a$4 - most days i just think, "hey, i'm a pack animal and i've lost my pack". no more - no less

i hope you do okay. this morning i'm furiously cleaning house to do "feast" on thksgiving- h is "lookin for a fight". idk what the heck is bothering him. he is a jerk, no doubt about it- butusually an even tempered one. this a.m.- i can see the signs. i am soooo over this- "walking on eggs".

oh - i digress - here's what i have to say about this all - when i am with him, i can picture life without him and " all this" crappola -

when i'm sitting around for three weeks by myself, nobody and nothin and no one even knows if i come home at nite- i think of my mom (alone since my dad died in '69) and my sisters - all alone, bitter, "unyielding" - i'm not so sure alone is a good way to go for me.

i hope to find where i fall in the mix someday-

for today- clean this dumb barn and let my guests use the bathroom without feeling fear-

ta da- good luck- hope your holiday is okay. i think no matter what we "got" - the other thing looks a little better. human nature? idk-

i don't know nothin today other than i hope someday we all feel "happy" agtain. (well, and loved as well)

xxoo

[123Gwen]

I guess one person's muck is another person's treasure?

The one thing I realize is that I am fairly incapable of being bitter for too long. I have my moments but it is just not in my nature to spend that much energy on the negative. I know I am far more fortunate than many, many people even if my H never returns.

My biggest obstacles are my old friends fear and worry. Now if I can figure out how to get those two out of my muck then I would be a far better person. It is a daily struggle.

Hope everyone has a good holiday. Hang in there