Goals:
1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!
Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.
Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483869&page=1
Hi Guys!
Ok, I want to thank EVERYONE from the bottom of my heart for all your help with this housing issue.
Job, you are such a good, kind friend. :-)
So, here's the update (I think I'm getting a How to Be A NEW YAWKER 101):
I called around to several properties and spoke to some nice people. They gave me the 411 on why rents are so high and how this works in Watertown...it was cool, because I could see how my instincts were guiding me in the right direction.
1. There's not enough housing to supply Ft. Drum. They have soldiers/families on waiting lists and in hotels. Hence, the high rents and quick security deposits.
2. Many, many foreclosures in the area and this means, if something is cheap...don't trust it. Homes that are about to go into foreclosure are being rented out by owners and, then, the homes go into foreclosure and tenants have to leave. Be CAREFUL.
(I had this sixth sense that I should be working with an apartment complex or or higher rent managed by a reputable rental management company and I was headed in the right direction.)
So, here's what's happened in the past 8 hours. After calling, looking at millions more properties...I kept going back to this apartment complex in Sackets Harbor. It's an old military barracks that's been turned into apartments. I have had a really hard time with the management, however...each time I've called, I've had to deal with this stupid woman at the front desk. I've sent countless emails and called countless times and they have rarely returned my calls.
Anyway, I learned yesterday that an apartment was open...but, it was in a building that doesn't allow bigger dogs like labs. Our dog is a therapy dog...no question...but we don't have the paperwork. I told the management company that we had a therapy dog and they still said "No." So, this nice couple who is living in the said apartment started talking to me...turns out the woman has a Master's in Counseling and knows Autism and she was furious that they wouldn't consider a therapy dog.
Then, I found out that the building next to them has a tenant with a Golden Retriever. I was pi$$3ed.
I called the office back. The dimwitted gatekeeper still wouldn't let me through to the powers that BE. So, I said I would call back every 15 minutes until I talked to someone OTHER than the Dimbulb.
I received a call back within my 15 minute span. The head honcho. I vented...I told him I was venting and I was angry at how I've been treated. I also told him that I was willing to pursue arguing the No Therapy Dog rule...And, I am. I really should get the certification anyway. She goes places with us that most dogs don't because of D12. She IS a necessity in our life.
He began to talk down to me like I was a child. I held my own. Validated his frustration and told him...I'm a reporter/editor. I do my research and if they want to make this an issue...have at it.
He said his wife would call me within the hour with a number of options. Turns out that two of the units I was originally interested in...well they ARE available! And, they allow dogs, have 2000 square feet and the rent is $1100. Heat is higher than the newer ones (averages $350)...but they are older buildings with the charm we like and a great view of Lake Ontario. I like these better.
She said she wouldn't allow me to sign a lease site unseen because there's lots of steps. They've turned these old officer quarters into townhouses and the kitchen is on the first floor with a 14 x 14 room downstairs that we could use as a living room or dining room. Then, there's three bedrooms upstairs with another living area 12 by 16. There's this huge open area in front where people jog and walk and there's lots of easily accessible space for the dog and D12 to walk.
She said she would hold the unit until I could come back up to see it on Monday. I plan on having my security deposit ready to go.
Now, I need tips on saving heating costs. I remember, years ago when we lived in an old apartment in an old house in Akron, we used a ceramic heater...Very economical and worked really well.
I think I'm back to excited. :-) $1100 is so much better than $1500.
Also, I plan on emailing and calling daily to insure the unit isn't rented out.
I just sent the property manager a nice "Thank You" for responding to me so promptly AND for holding the unit for us until I can get to NY. I will send him a text daily. :-) I also sent a link to the ADA's Service Dog information as an FYI :-)
He seems like a real dicck, but "Hey!" I have plenty of experience dealing with those!!! ;-)
I will have my $1,100 in hand when I go. Money Order.
that is so awesome, good for you on the excellent communication skills!! How exciting for you!!
You and the girls will need to layer your clothing and be sure all of the windows are sealed tightly. You will be have to careful with heaters, etc., as you or the girls may forget that they are on and then have issues.
$350.00 per month averaged over the year or is that average during the heating season? $350.00 per month during the heating season for 2000SF sounds about where most people would be. So it does not too bad. I would suggest getting temporary window sealing kits from a hardware / home depot / lowes type place. They consist of a double sided tape and shrink fit clear plastic sheet. You put the tape around the edge of the window on the molding, lay the plastic sheet and press onto the tape,and then use a hair dryer to shrink it tite giving you a wind tite see through window seal that you can easily remove in the spring when you want to open the windows.
Yep, that's the average for the heating season. There's a fireplace but, we're not allowed to use it. I've used those those kits before. I think I have a leftover one from this winter!!
And, yes, Job, the girls and I will have to layer our clothing AND be careful with any heaters. I'm going to do some research on the ceramic heaters.
TL, Thanks for the Atta Boy! I'm not making any friends, but, hopefully, we can get this place without too much more trouble. Yay!!!
Pelonis Heaters! That's what we had. Economical and safe. I will look them up.
I revised the dissolution proposal. Atty will get back to me with the cost of the revisions. Emailed my changes.
I'm asking to be reimbursed for the $2500 that Smokey promised in tuition last spring and baled on. Not sure that will happen. But, I'm asking...he's taken advantage in so many way. I'm asking.
Heather, you rock!!
You are doing great with this new job/move, and should be proud of yourself with how you are handling the situations that are arising around it. You can do nothing but succeed...
I can understand though some of the issues around smokey that are cropping up. It is really strange packing up your home, and not taking his stuff with you. Personally it struck me hard as to the things he had left behind. Some were just general things, at one point I wondered what he was wearing, but also personal things. Not just relating to us, but his family. I guess they were a lot of the reason behind how we ended up like this. You will get over it, but it is often the small things that cause the most grief...
As to your new home. I too looked at properties that were way too much for my budget. I figured if I had to give up my home I deserved to live somewhere I loved. It didn't work out quite like that. I ended up somewhere cheaper, in a location I don't love but has turned out to be quite practical in the shortish term. The great thing about renting is when the budget allows you can easily move on up! I will get there eventually, and so will you. In the mean time having your own things in a property, and a few personal touches, and as long as you are warm and comfortable you can make it work. Taking away the concerns about meeting the bills makes life much easier. When you wow them at the paper the salary increase will give you so much more choice, and being "on the spot" makes it easier too. I moved into this property, my sister chose it, and moving in day was the first time I walked through the door. The fact they allowed my GIANT dog swayed the decision greatly. But it has all worked out OK, and I know its not forever.
Keep up the good work. The dream may take a little longer, but you are giant steps closer. ABx
I knew there was something else... A new man!!
I have been on my own, like you, over two years now. I keep wondering whether I could cope with meeting someone new. I cast my eye around, but cannot be excited by what I see. I wonder if I ever will. I thought I had got it so right, and was proved so wrong. I don't want to go there again.
maybe I watch to many "fairytale" romance films, reality is too far from that. Wrong expectations perhaps.
However, men in uniform have always been an attraction. Perhaps I should come visit you in your new home, LOL, seems like a good place to start!
Am I looking at this from the wrong perspective? Or am I just not ready? Maybe when the time is right we'll just know....
Thanks Ab! So nice to hear from you!!
Yes, the dog is a must and I think I made that point today.
I just hate having this house situation still up in the air. I want it settled!!
Everything about this has been hard in terms of letting go of the marriage. Revising the Dissolution, packing up our lives together, dealing with the emotions of the kids, dealing with my own emotions...it's all been hard. But, I'm getting through it. I continue to surprise myself. When new challenge arises...I have been simply dealing with it and I feel this surge of energy. When I have a moment to slow down, it feels strange because there's so much to do!!! I keep forcing myself to stop when I get a chance. Just stop.
Thanks for the hope. I know these apartments aren't the ideal, but the rent is much, much more manageable and I feel happy in this little area. I just hate that there's no signed deal yet.
Personally, when it comes to a new man...I say open yourself up to the possibilities...
I had a bit of a fling with someone last spring and I don't regret it a bit. I learned a lot about myself. I also had fun and learned about what I want and don't want.
Ab, PLEASE come for a visit!! With all this ISIS talk, I think I will be in one of the safest places on the planet. Surrounded by testosterone and trained soldiers...men AND Women :-)
Perhaps the mistake I am making is assuming that any friendship/relationship should be long term.
Taking the first step is the hardest. Rejection sure as hell hurts, and I think that is the frightener.
When I make it across the pond, I will put you near the top of my list of who to visit. have to say NY appeals for a short visit.
Instead, make the assumption that it WON'T be longterm. I think I made that mistake. For me, the "Forester" was a way to remember I am still sexy and lovable...He wasn't about longterm. He was about getting my needs met as an adult who needed someone to ease the loneliness. And, his younger age was a confidence booster.
I know there are all different perspectives on this...But, for me, it was healthy to do a little exploring and have some fun. I had been mistreated for a very long time and given a very low priority. I made this fling about ME.
It just hit me. I'm really doing this! I think yesterday was my point of no return. I faced it. Found some solutions and it's full steam ahead.
1. I'm making a list of the remaining properties I want to see. I think we will head out on Sunday to Tuesday. I'm not sure I should ask the Newspaper to pay for another two nights at the hotel? Thoughts? This would make two nights for the interview and 2 nights with the househunting...not including the relocation allowance. I'm not sure.
2. I meet with the atty tomorrow morning to go over the changes I would like to make. I think I'm going to ask for what I feel is fair and let it go. I have a feeling this will be the last meeting with the atty.
3. I asked human resources at the paper if I could get the security deposit taken directly from the relocation allowance. I made it clear that I could work something else out if necessary, but wanted to ask the question. Haven't heard back yet. I wanted to ask the paper first, before having to go to dad.
4. I'm feeling a bit freer to get all the stuff packed up.
Somehow, all of this shid is getting done. I don't know how, but it is. I just keep moving in sorta automatic pilot and taking care of business, one thing atta time.
The forester bought some stuff from the garage sale and invited me over for an evening of stress relief. I'm not sure. Thinking about it.
You are doing amazing. I Am so impressed!!
Heather, thank you. You are right, I need to look at getting out and having some FUN, not looking for another long term relationship. I need some confidence boosting. Problem is getting out there to meet people, will work on that.
I am pretty sure now you have made a few decisions about financing your new home you will get this sorted fairly quickly. Don't stress, get up there check out a few and I am sure you will come home satisfied.
Keep up the amazing work... Abx
IF you don't hear from HR today, you'll need to ask your father for a loan so that you can pay the security deposit on the spot if you find what you are looking for. Don't let another one slip through your fingers because you didn't have the money available at the time you looked at the place.
Good luck and travel safely.
Hi Heather,
I've been in lurk mode for a while, but have been silently cheering you on. I'm from the Finger Lakes area of NY. What brings me out of the woodwork is the mention of house prep for the winter (good idea) and space heaters (yikes!). Reducing energy use is my field and my passion.
Unless you have insanely low electric rates (Watertown doesn't, as far as my googling can tell), then electric space heaters cost more to run than your furnace or boiler. Yes, even the Pelonis type. Think of them as an expensive bandaid.
"Ventless" gas heaters are only safe if your house is really drafty and you're not smart enough to seal up the air leaks.
As others suggested, windows are often leaky, so sealing them is a good first step. The fireplace chimney is probably pulling a lot of air out, too.
The easiest, cheapest way to save on heating and cooling is to stop the air leaks. However, you need to be careful to make sure there is still enough fresh air so that furnace fumes don't backdraft and mold doesn't grow in the bathroom. Many utilities offer substantial rebates on a comprehensive energy audit. They find out where the air leaks are in the building and they test to make sure there is no backdrafting risk. It's a great idea if available.
As you are looking for places to live, be sure to account for the cost of commuting. Places that are further out may have lower rents, but add in a reasonable estimate of the mileage costs (if not time) in order to make a reasonable comparison.
You are doing a great job of launching your latest adventure. Feel free to pick my brain about reducing the utility bills. It's my favorite topic. You can also find me on FB.
Say hey to Betsey if you see her before I do.
Thanks Stubborn!! When I have a chance, I will definitely pick your knowledgeable brain!!
I need to let go of some of this...
I met with my atty. He said we started this process one year ago and we haven't really made any headway at all. It's been four+ months and Smokey's atty hasn't even responded to our dissolution proposal. I guess this is par for the course with this atty.
So, my atty suggests I file for divorce. He feels that this will give Smokey's atty some...a little anyway...structure/time frame to respond because the courts will enforce some time frames.
So, I left the atty and he said that the first thing he would do would be to contact Smokey's atty and hope and pray that he responds and agrees to my filing for divorce and lifting any restraint on my moving to NY.
Smokey's atty, miraculously, responded and gave the OK. So, I meet with my atty again next week and we go over what we will need to do to file for divorce. This means I will be paying more. MORE. But, I can ask for what I feel is fair and IDK...I'm scared. I just want this done. DONE. Dammit.
But, I'm glad we have the OK on leaving. I guess the next step is getting some order for an exact temporary support figure. Who knows how long this will take. I'm pretty angry with Smokey today. This is B.S.
Anyway...so, no sooner did I get off the phone with my atty than I receive this pleasant a$$ text from Smokey.
(Now, mind you, in the midst of all this atty stuff and whatever...I'm stopping to tutor a client and I'm making arrangements with the newspaper to put us up for two more nights and to direct deposit my relocation allowance...which I wish I had handled earlier...I was afraid to ask. Dumb. Hopefully, the money will be in place by Tuesday. But, my mom is going with us and I know I can ask for her to use her credit card on a security deposit if I have to. I know I will PAY for it in guilt and whatever, but it's good she will be there).
Smokey: Congrats. Just heard you took the job in Watertown. How's D12 taking the idea of moving? I'm very happy for you and I support you in doing this.
WTF????????
Me: Thanks, I appreciate that. D12 is scared but excited. We all are.
Smokey: D20 is back at school isn't she? When will you be moving? Or should I say when do you start? It looks like a nice town.
Me: It is a nice town. D20 isn't in school, she is coming with. She is looking at Syracuse, but we still owe the $2500 (the money he promised to pay!) to school before she can enroll anywhere else.
Me: I don't have a place yet, so I have to lock that down before I know an official start date.
Smokey: I thought she had gotta a ten thousand dollar student loan? (Um, that was last year)
Me: It was too late to add the $2500 (when he told me he wouldn't be paying) to her loans last spring. That needs to be paid off before she can go back.
Smokey: Oh Ok, is she working?
Me: Yes
Smokey: Where?
Me: XXX
Smokey: Good for her. hope it's going well for her.
Me: Thanks for support and encouragement. gotta go.
Smokey: OK bye.
Between the atty and the divorce news and Smokey's suprise encouraging support and barrage of questions...I'm shaking a bit. I handled it all ok. Little Heather was a little freaked out. Big Heather stepped in and shut the convo down. Enough.
My atty was very nice this morning. I began to cry a bit when I brought up Smokey's lack of anything in D12's life. He said he believes our moving is going to be a good thing. Smokey will probably just let us be...I started to say how sad I feel for D12 and he said...well, to her, this is becoming normal. To you, you see how things should be...for her...this is her normal and that makes it ok. It helped.
Don't get the surprise text though. He didn't respond when I wished him a Happy B'Day...but, now?? When his atty tells him I'm filing for divorce?
I sense he is relieved we are leaving and unhappy with his current life all at the same time.
Heather, since you are "moving upward and onward", this has to have Smokey a bit stirred up. From what I've read, they want us to stay where we are, and not be happy, not move forward....be miserable.... And you're not doing that. Seems his antenna is up wondering what's going on, and why aren't you unhappy like him.
I agree with your atty. D12 is used to "the new normal". My S16 has Asperger's, too
. (Don't think I shared that before, but hasn't been relevant either). Our move away from his dad removed so much stress from his life. It was the best thing we ever did.
Smokey may seem relieved.... But remember to believe none of what they say.
Unless I'm missing something, I don't see where he's unhappy w/his current life from the conversation that you had. He's relieved that you've filed and are taking the bull by the horns. He didn't want to file because it would have cost him more money. Yep, the person who files, generally has to pay more in costs.
As for his interest in the girls, it was to see where they are at in their current day-to-day living and he was curious to see if your D20 was in college and wouldn't come out and say it, but wanted to know how you could afford to send her. I do find it interesting that he's looked up where you are relocating to. Funny, he's shown so very little interest in his old life and now he's finally showing just a wee bit of interest because quite frankly, he thought you would be right where he left you and you would never do anything w/your life. He has no clue as to the person you've become.
Heather, don't allow that "posting from the alien" get you down. Continue to move forward and once everything falls into place, your life will be so much better and you'll know exactly what you are entitled to and when you should get support money and there will be no of this nonsense of having to beg him for things (hopefully).
Keep your focus on what needs to be done for your trip.
But, Job, I need him to be unhappy. He didn't choose me. I need him to be miserable.
It hurts too much to think of him "happy" with his new life and his new woman and no "us."
Heather,
We don't know how he's truly feeling right now, except he's probably relieved that you've filed and have a job. Once things settle down and he sees that you and your girls have created a nice and secure life, then he may very well come to realize what he's missing out on.
He ran away from his old life and that life is where you are living right now. He's happy to be away from all of that responsibility, but you and the girls aren't going to be there much longer, which means the old life that he keeps running from will only be a memory for him because you won't be living there. When he begins to hear from the girls or see things posted on FB by the girls and it's all positive, that's when he's going to miss out on the new adventures.
Whether he's truly happy or not...it's not your problem any longer. Yes, you want him to be unhappy, but that isnt' always the case w/these mlcers. They can scrape the bottom of the barrel until they die and never admit that they are unhappy. You can't wait around to see or hear that from him. His happy may not be the same as your happy. He may be content living the way he is and he may never admit that he made a mistake in leaving you. So, you need to move forward because your new life is out there waiting for you and who knows what tomorrow or a year from now will bring. Life always has way of working things out and generally, if you stay positive and open, good things will come to you twofold.
Keep your focus on you, the girls and your move. You have to stay focused because you've got a lot of balls up in the air that require you being vigilant.
His happy may not be the same as your happy. He may be content living the way he is and he may never admit that he made a mistake in leaving you.
I think you nailed it Job. ^^^^^^
And, I know this and it hurts. This is a man who was really, truly incapable of being more than he was. His life is waking up, smoking some grass, going to work, come home, smoking some more grass...drinking a few beers...watching football and going to bed.
Where I would ask for someone to come and install, professionally, a fix for a problem at the house...he would use duct tape.
I think he is limited in what he can actually do in terms of functioning as a normal human being.
I know he is relieved and probably happier with this life. He has always been content with much less than I am. He has the life he always wanted...no kids, a skank with fake boobs, all the grass he can smoke and a steady paycheck. That' what he wants in life.
What hurts is knowing that I couldn't be the one to "Make" him happy. This other woman is a much better fit for a pot-smoking load who really wants to put NO energy into parenting or being in a truly intimate relationship. He is happier.
It hurts that it wasn't me who could make him happy. But, when I look at the lifestyle he wants...this fits him so much better...I just couldn't live like that. I want more.
I think I am the love of his life...but, I think he is choosing this lifestyle over love, commitment and responsibility. That's what's appealing. My mom actually said it best right after I discovered the affair with the fellow drug-addled skank..."He isn't choosing her over you...he is choosing the that lifestyle over you and the kids."
That really fits...because he didn't just abandon me...he left his life, his kids, his dog, his everything.
And, I know, when he has thought about us and our life here...it isn't appealing in any way.
I have to get past the part where I feel that somehow I wasn't enough...not sexy enough, not whatever...part of me still feels like I must be worthless to have someone abandon me for someone else and, then, be happier. This, however, isn't a guy who really knows what happy is...he knows how to get through the day. That's what he does...he gets through the day.
I want more.
The kids have gone with my Dad on a shopping trip. I am alone!! I may have a good cry and pack and maybe even nap. :-)
Wake up, smoke weed, go to work, probably smoke more weed, come home, smoke some weed, probably crash on the couch, pass some gas, belch a bit, drink more beer, smell of BO, glazed eyes unfocused on TV, pass out for the evening. Sounds like a real catch.
And you are crying over this why?
Wake up, smoke weed, go to work, probably smoke more weed, come home, smoke some weed, probably crash on the couch, pass some gas, belch a bit, drink more beer, smell of BO, glazed eyes unfocused on TV, pass out for the evening. Sounds like a real catch.
And you are crying over this why?
Yep, you make a good point. No one understood why I was with him...because I was young and didn't think I could do better. He still found passing the gas funny.
Nope, this is not a catch. And, I allowed him to hold me back for a long time. Too long.
Girls and I are already planning our first road trip to Salem for Halloween. Life is going to be sooooo much better. :-)
Salem is alright. Don't expect any really big haunted attractions ( Haunted houses). Lake Compounce in Bristol CT has a really big and really good one. Six Flags New England is poorly set up so you only get to do a small part of it and have long lines in between. If you are going to Salem for the history that is different.
Heather,
Let him go, mentally, physically and emotionally. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. It was never job to make him happy. If he couldn't find the happiness within, then it's on him.
I know you've shed many tears over this man, but it's time to let him go and look to your future. I am be wrong, but I do not see this man ever changing. You can't save him, but you can save yourself and help your girls walk the path of life.
You deserve a far better life than what you had in the last few years w/him.
Get your life in order and make the move. You have given all you can give and it was the best you had to offer. Move on and don't look back any more than you have to.
Life,
We are big, bigggggg history buffs...so, that's part of what's appealing about Salem.
I think I'm going to do a story on fun things to do at Halloween. I will focus partly on local things and, then, throw in a few day trips/overnights for fun.
So, are there really men who WANT a real relationship with a woman that involves more than smoking grass and getting drunk? Like...maybe...just maybe...there's a guy out there who may enjoy my company and would actually look forward to spending time with me???? Could it be???
One last thought...it would really bite the big one to be the skank and know that it wasn't Smokey who finally bit the bullet and filed...but me, the wife. It must sorta S.U.C.K., after they've been together all this time to know he never did pull the trigger. It was ME.
I will take that lil' victory for today.
You're doing awesome, Heather. Yes, there are plenty of really incredible men out there that will treat you well, when you're ready. I'm guessing one day you will look back and wonder how you ever "thought" you were happy before. The new life and freedom to dream will open so many doors for you.
Don't look back...you're not going that way.
You don't know what the ow may think about you filing versus your h filing. She might actually be glad you did it since he's been so passive about the whole thing. You've not only set yourself free, but you've also set him free as well.
It's not about who filed first or bit the bullet to the start the proceedings. The victory is the fact that you've finally made a decision about the marriage and do not want to remain in limbo any longer. Filing for divorce will set you free to move on and maybe one day meet someone worthy of you. That's the victory.
Heather,
Yours is a popular thread for good reasons. I have been following along with your adventures.
I hope you do well in Salem. I hope Smokey one day realizes what he lost...
I hope your girls make the transition well and there are better days ahead.
You gave it everything. Now it's time to give your new life everything.
You know how to do that.
We're all rooting for you.
---GGG
"""""I think I am the love of his life...but, I think he is choosing this lifestyle over love, commitment and responsibility. That's what's appealing. My mom actually said it best right after I discovered the affair with the fellow drug-addled skank..."He isn't choosing her over you...he is choosing the that lifestyle over you and the kids."
That really fits...because he didn't just abandon me...he left his life, his kids, his dog, his everything
And, I know, when he has thought about us and our life here...it isn't appealing in any way.
I have to get past the part where I feel that somehow I wasn't enough...not sexy enough, not whatever...part of me still feels like I must be worthless to have someone abandon me for someone else and, then, be happier. This, however, isn't a guy who really knows what happy is...he knows how to get through the day. That's what he does...he gets through the day.
I want more."""
So brillant. And so so true.
You are doing so so awesome and I think your job sounds like a fantastic position. You really have an opportunity to shine and be creative and also because you are running a magazine an opportunity to be involved immediately in the communitity.
Thanks guys!! Yep, it's all gooooooood. Pieces are falling into place.
Here are some of the pieces:
1. Had a therapist...a really good one...once pull me aside. She had been working with Smokey after one of his many relapses. She said, "You realize that this man has some pretty huge mountains to climb before he can be the man you need/deserve?" It scared the hell outta me...why? Because this would mean I was alone in the world!! HOLY SHID!! Lil Heather without anyone to take care of her. Because, according to those around me, I'm pretty incapable of taking care of myself. Bought right into that one.
2. Moving became appealing to me this summer once I realized that this dream was really dead. Dead, dead, dead. I've spent sooo much time holding myself back and waiting around for this guy who will take like two steps up his mountain and, then, retreat back to his "cozy" smoke-filled shack by the river. That's what is comfortable to him and I need to accept it. I don't think this was ever about love. In fact, I think the love made it really hard for him to pull the trigger. But, he may simply be someone who is incapable of being more than he is. I need to accept him as he is. In some ways, this is my way of honoring my marriage vows. I'm allowing him, finally, to be who he is. Very, very limited in so many ways.
So funny, after Life's comment about "Why am I feeling sad about this guy who smokes a lot of weed and passes out on the couch after belching and passing the gas..." I remembered how much it used to annoy me that Smokey found passing the gas and burping at the table funny. I wasn't raised that way and I couldn't see the humor. He has always had a very adolescent humor, while I've always leaned to Monty Python and such.
Anyway...I cracked open two fortune cookies yesterday:
1. "A man's true character can be learned by what he finds humorous."
2. "You will find a beautiful new home within the year."
Just posted this on Shining's thread. I think I need it over here for future reference:
Shining, my sweets, you WILL be JUST fine...with or without this man. Mine is riding off into the sunset with a his drug-addled skank and seems to be perfectly content with his new life. And, guess what??? I'm ok. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm pretty damn awesome. He has no idea what he's missed or what he is missing out on...
So, here's the deal. I was pretty stuck until I did some deep trenchwork on my own insides. I needed to dredge up a lot of shid to open myself up to the possibilities of a life without Smokey. He was a part of my life since I was 12. I need to do a groundup restoration of myself...foundations and all.
I suggest you do the same. It's painful and it means letting him GO...but, in the end, you discover yourself and realize you will ALWAYS have YOU and God and that's not gonna change no matter what life throws at you.
Quote:
Ummmm… I thought it was Divorce Busing, Save Your Marriage site… Sometimes I wonder why some people get one advice and others get complete opposite…
I think this is a really interesting question. But, I'm beginning to get it. In my case, for instance, I was married to a load. Pretty much...a really damaged guy who was fairly content being damaged. It was safe. Time and again, (haphazardly throughout our life together) he tried to push himself outta his comfort zone for me and the kids...but, it never lasted...he always went back to what was safe and comfortable.
In my case, it's obvious that I was married to someone who really had no intention of moving out of this tunnel. He needs the tunnel for whatever reason. And, I have been holding myself back in my own life by dwelling on this loss of him. In my case, I needed to be pushed and prodded to move forward with my life.
Yes, I will always love him. I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...I think I'm towers above what he can offer now...but, I'm cool with that. I'm heading to the life that God intended for me. I really feel that. I feel that this is where God wants me...I've put myself on hold for toooooooo long...like 18 years too long.
Sometimes in life we are faced with a crossroads. We have to decide if we are content to continue on the path we know or...try something new. Very Robert Frost.
In recent months, God has put this into my heart..."Smokey is irrelevant Heather. This journey has always been about YOU. You were stuck. You needed a crowbar to push/pull/hammer yourself outta the position where you were wedged.
Love him from afar. Pray he figures it out. But, push yourself to look at why he is attractive in the first place. Push yourself to look at why you still want the person who caused all this pain to make it better, to heal the wound...he is the wounder...look to yourself to heal that wound. You will never, ever let you down once you get the hang of it.
I think this is what K was trying to say and I agree with her.
Look up Susan Anderson's Abandonment books. Codapendent NO MORE by Beattie...Look to strong, empowered women who have risen above similar situations and come out ok.
You can do this!!!
Having said all that...The filing for divorce really shook me up. The cost scares me. The fact he is relieved scares and hurts. What this means for D12 scares me. I know the atty that he has just thrives on divorce because he loves to file all sorts of ridiculous motions...now, at the same time...I know that Smokey will probably more in agreement than not because he won't want to spend the money or come back to our hometown any more than I will...
But, the whole idea is scary. I'm moving to a new state and I'm not making a million dollars and it's scary...STILL...not having a clear path ahead. But, I guess I will focus on the positives. I won't be in town where I can run into everyone. I won't have to be privy to the spin my inlaws put on this. I will have some distance to protect D12 because we all know that Smokey isn't a ball of energy when it comes to spending time with her AND I will have, at least, a temporary order for a set amount of support.
WOWWWWWWWW. Epiphany.
This really was never about love was it?? The love just made it harder. I think I'm getting it.
I know you all have been saying this from the beginning. But, I'm finally understanding now. It's not the love. The love gets in their way because it stands between giving into the crisis completely. They can't see that, but it makes sense.
Ok. Back to packing and MY life. That makes me feel better though. I need to know I didn't imagine the love. Then, I can move forward.
Heather,
So, are there really men who WANT a real relationship with a woman that involves more than smoking grass and getting drunk? Like...maybe...just maybe...there's a guy out there who may enjoy my company and would actually look forward to spending time with me???? Could it be???
Yesss! YES! There are plenty of good men out there waiting to be scooped up. It is all on you to make the right choice.
I come from a family of 4 sisters.
The oldest and I are a lot like...careful and cautious when dating.
The youngest is happily married and has a rock solid family life with her 3 kids.
The second sister (I'm #3 in order) goes out with losers all the time. It has always been that way since she's been a little girl. We are all raised by the same Mom. Nothing earth shattering here.
Yet this second sister is now on her third divorce. I think she's attracted to broken men because she likes the challenge of "fixing" them.
At one point, she dated this guy we all LIKED a lot and hoped she'd marry. What happened? She dumped him because she didn't feel "in love" with him. Gee whiz!!! Say what?!! This guy was in finance, had a good solid family and had good long-term goals.
Nope. My #2 sister goes for the losers/bad boys.
She's going 50 soon. Go figure.
Don't let "broken men" get near you, Heather. You deserve nothing but the best! They are plenty of good men out there. Don't settle for second best.
Hey Heather, been awhile since I have posted to you.
Just wanted to say you are doing well. Moving forward. Taking control of your life. All good things. Good for you.
I noticed that you wrote you are sorry you werent the one who could make him happy. I think one of the most important things we should learn on this journey is this - we cannot make someone else happy. That has to come from within.
Our job in this life is to find what fills us up and find peace with ourselves. That's where happiness lies. If we get to share all of that with someone else.....bonus.
I know the idea of the divorce is really scary. It's a tough thing. But once you get it behind you, you will feel lighter. It's a business transaction. The feelings reside in your heart.
Which brings me to the next part. What you had with Smokey was real. It happened. The love was real. The feelings were real. It is part of your life story. Dont allow all the other stuff to taint those memories. Store them safely away. They are yours.
Thanks Ur. :-)
Made a tough decision today to keep the wedding album for the girls. But, the photo album he got me on our first anniversary...filled with honeymoon pics and pics of D20 as a baby are for him. I have tons of pics and I know he will store the album safely.
My grown up brain knows you are right Ur...it's the little girl who still doesn't understand how this person could turn his love off...and give it to someone else.
I leave tomorrow for another househunt in NY. I need to get outta here!!
Wonka, is there a drugstore test I can buy? Maybe the guy could pee on some stick and it would give me a PLUS SIGN for good guy and MINUS for bad??
I'm still unsure about the Forester. I don't trust myself in making a good judgement...However...I do notice that I'm quick to run when someone seems overly controlling. I've learned that lesson!
I get that, H, about not getting how he could turn it off. I dont think they turn it off. I think they are so broken that they stuff it down. I think they feel so badly about themselves that they cant handle feelings of love for someone else.
What they have is built on a foundation of brokenness and self loathing. It is a house of cards. It will fall.
But that doesnt really matter. What matters is you.
Hi Guys!!
I've had a rough morning. I'm getting right to it. Starting with the good news.
Arrived back from NY last night. We have a place!!!!! A beautiful townhouse with a view of the Adirondack Mountains out the back...invisible fence already installed, new washer and dryer waiting for us, three bedrooms, my OWN bedroom with two closets and a master bath connected...JUST FOR ME!!!!! Small one car garage, new appliances...YAY!!! $1250 per month.
And, the company committed to the office.
Bad news: The townhouse is 40 minutes, in good weather, from the new office. But, we looked at a lot of dumps and this is definitely a step up for us...which was the plan.
More bad news:
The company is being stupid about this $2500 relocation money. They are direct depositing the $1250 and will reimburse me for the rest. Crud.
And, when they submitted the employment verification, I noticed the weekly pay didn't add up to $40,000 per year gross. So, I sent an email to try and sort that out.
Met with my attorney this morning. First, he asked me for $3,850 up front to file for divorce. He showed me how he has already gone above and beyond...I've paid $1,300 out of the original $1750 he was charging for the dissolution...but, he shows that the bill is up to $3,000 now. And, in order for a divorce, he is asking for the amount he normally requests...
So, I contacted him, after I digested the information and he said that he would need a good portion of it to get started, but not all of it.
WTF? So, I need to move, start a new job, buy a car to help me get from new home to new office in the middle of winter...Front the money for all of this...
And, to make things more complicated. If I walk away to NY, without filing...I would have to hire a new attorney in NY, but Smokey can keep this jackass he hired.
So, I'm wondering...
What options do I have???
Do I file for temporary support? Pay off the remaining balance on this atty and start over in NY? I tried to figure out what the child support payment would be with my new income. I make $40,000 and Smokey makes $55,000 (as far as I know--last year's tax return).
How much can I ask for? Smokey would keep D12 on his insurance.
Do I walk away from the house?
Tell the mortgage company that I can't handle the payments and turn over the keys?
I think I need to break this down...issue-by-issue...and pray (hard) for the right answer.
I don't have $3850...to begin with...or even anything close to that right now. So, there's that. I'd have to borrow from someone. I still have to work out how to hire/rent a truck and move all our stuff...yadda, yadda...
Frankly, I feel like Smokey is getting a lot of attention/energy right now that I don't have to give. I want to protect myself and the girls, but, mainly, I just want to get the hell outta here.
If my attorneys calculations are correct on my wife who makes 50K per year you would see between $130 to $150 per week in child support from smokey.
On the spousal support it depends on what kind of state you are in. Are you in a community property state vs New York? You may want to look into compare and contrast the divorce laws in each state and if they favor one gender over another before you decide on where to file. New york is probably more liberal than Ohio, though upstate is more conservative. You may also have to wait a period of time before you can file in New York.
Is the house in both your names? If so, I would tell spouse you are moving and cannot afford the house anymore and either he pick it up or you both have to decide to jointly give it back to the bank.
Thanks Life.
Smokey is the primary name on the mortgage and I'm second.
My tabulations gave me $415...approximately in child support each month.
I guess I'm reaching a point where I'm wondering if I should just cut my losses and go. File for temp support...get the $415 each month...let him deal with the house.
Not sure if it matters about moving, but I live in ny & just went through this. You just have to say m has been broken for 6 months. Being separated for 6 months has that covered. Then u can file. He 20 days to respond from then. If he signs saying he agrees, d is final lickety split. If he does not respond, it is sent to judge, takes another 20 days- then d will be granted. It does not take much time/effort. I was never even told when it was going to the court/judge. Way too easy if I ask me. NY now mirrors Cali law for d.
Lois,
I dont know for sure if you have any equity in your house. However, instead of walking away, if you decide you cant keep the house, you may want to try a "deed in lieu of foreclosure". I work in the finance industry and it could save you and the mortgage company lots of time and money. Basically, you just sign the deed over to the bank and they agree to take it and sell the house. It is a way to skip over the foreclosure mess.
There's little to no equity in the place.
Thanks Mighty, I appreciate the information. How is NY law on child visitation/child support enforcement? I've learned through Wishing how tough Wisconsin is...
I'm leaning towards filing for temp. child support (I was told by my atty that I can't file for temp alimony unless I file for divorce)...then, I can expect $400 per month, I can move, hand this back over to Smokey if he chooses to file...ask around for a good atty in NY. I will have plenty of resources in terms of finding a good attorney...get d12 into counseling, yadda, yadda...
I know I'm going to get screwed financially, but, at this point, maybe it's worth the piece of mind in being further away and able to start fresh.
I'm angry with my attorney though. I didn't expect this today. I feel it was a bit unfair. He knows our situation and that I'm starting a new job. I get the impression he just wants rid of this one.
...mainly because of Smokey's slow attorney. He sees the writing on the wall and sees this move will only be the beginning in a complicated, lengthy divorce.
1) Stick with your attorney, you've already paid him part of the fee. File for divorce and for temporary support. Look into turning the house back over to the lender, unless Smokey wants it.
2) Your attorney has to eat too. It's not his job to accommodate your financial problems. Nor is it your employer's. In fact, the more you go to your employer with your financial problems, the more they're going to worry you will be a financially unstable flake. You have to stop interacting with this people like they're your parents.
3) You're going to need to borrow money from your parents for the divorce and the move. Make a budget of everything you'll need (deposits for utilities, cosigner for a newer used car that you can commute in safely, rental security deposits etc, lawyer fees) as well as a plan for how you will pay it back (X$$ per month for X months). The more you look like you have your act together and are thinking in concrete financial terms, the more likely they will be willing to help you. If they forgive the debt, great, but I would plan on paying it back. You are an adult after all, and despite their better financial positions, they don't OWE you anything. So get rid of your resentment over what they have that you don't, put on your big girl panties and make a plan.
^^^^^^^
Ellie is spot on. Heather, please remember that your employer is that-your employer. Life happens and most get that. However, you are starting a new gig and want to give a positive impression in every sense of the word. Don't make yourself seem *difficult* from the get go. Your atty? They are providing a service and expect payment. I know you are struggling financially, however that is the reality.
1) Stick with your attorney, you've already paid him part of the fee. File for divorce and for temporary support. Look into turning the house back over to the lender, unless Smokey wants it.
He wants $3850 on top of what I've already paid.
If you file in NY, you will be starting from scratch and racking up new fees. Also, if I remember correctly, (and I could definitely be wrong ), you have to be a resident for a year(maybe?) before filing in NY. Maybe it's 2 years. Anyway, you would only be prolonging this and making it more expensive. Just my 2 cents.
Also, is this an uncontested divorce? What is the hold up ?
Ok,
Hear what guys are saying. I hope I haven't screwed up my first impression already. I've tried to do anything to avoid asking for more money from my dad.
Also, is this an uncontested divorce? What is the hold up?
Smokey has been the hold up. He has had the dissolution proposal since the beginning of May/end of April.
So, I would need to borrow between 10,000 and 12,500 from someone.
That is a substantial amount. Is that within the realm of what your dad could loan you?
Yep, but whether he will is another story.
I don't know. My brain is fried right now. I need to stop and recharge before I go any further. I've found a place to live. Victory!! I'm going to get quiet with this other stuff. I'm not sure what the right path is...I know the financial burden has caused me to flip out some on the newspaper and I don't like that I'm giving them this impression...
When you don't know know what to do next...get quiet. No sudden moves.
I'm moving in freaking two weeks.
Yes, and that's about what a divorce costs.
The atty just surprised me. In our last conversation, I got the impression he was ok with me paying this over time...I didn't anticipate $3800 within two weeks. But, I will regroup. And, I was clear with him that I didn't feel angry or anything. I realize he gave me a break. What I'm angry about is the sorta surprise. I've met with him three times in the past month...IDK. I'm stressed.
And, I don't think I have been resentful or angry in any recent posts about my parents. In fact, I think I've caused myself some extra worry because I have wanted to avoid asking for more help. I really have wanted to figure this one out alone...but, dammit...not sure that will happen.
Thats about par for lawyers to drop payment bombs. If you met with him three times over the last month that alone is probably $900.00. Then each email is at least $30.00 to review. Phone calls are dependent on how long you talk. they will charge you for every part of an hour they spend on you. So, you need to learn fast how to minimize contact and to drill it into the Lawyers head you don't have any money and need to keep costs to a minimum.
What if I took out an unsecured loan? With my credit, I'd get a lousy interest...but I could...IDK.
Heather,
I agree w/the posters. Your employer is just that...your employer. The way that they are handling the relocation costs are pretty standard. They needs receipts for all relocation costs upon your arrival to your new position and only then will they reimburse you what they agreed upon.
As for your lawyer, I'm really surprised that you haven't been receiving monthly bills from him. When I was going through my separation/divorce, I dropped quite a bit of money, not only on draft separation papers that were never filed as well as him representing me throughout the ordeal. It was $100 per hour and each and every time a letter was drafted or a phone call, it was another chunk of change.
Stick w/your current lawyer and ask your parents for help w/the finances. If it will make them feel better, draft up a repayment plan that specifically states how much you'll pay each month and whether it's the first or last of the month. You might even want to consider a small about interest to factored in. Then have both parties sign it.
What's a fair interest rate?
So, I would need to borrow between 10,000 and 12,500 from someone.
Not sure how you arrived at this figure. I'm estimating:
$4k for lawyer
$500 for utility deposits (wild-a$$ guess here)
$2000 for a down payment on a $10k reliable used car (plus cosigner if needed) (maybe less if you trade in your used car, but since it's not worth much, might want to keep that for daughter)(be sure to get a car with EXCELLENT gas mileage, like a Honda Civic, with your long commute)
Extra $1000 for incidentals or extra lawyer fees
I'm assuming your relocation money will cover first month's rent and moving van rental
That gives me $7500. Now, if you think you can borrow $10k, it may be better to pad that a bit so long as you keep the extra in an emergency savings account. That will give you some cushion so you don't have to call your parents up AGAIN in 3 mos.
You'll have to be super mega frugal once you get there. Powwow with the girls about ways for all of you to save money/ bring in extra money. But you can do this. An extra $500/mo from tutoring, writing, dog walking, babysitting would pay your car payment and an initial loan repayment to your folks.
As for a fair interest rate - no risk CD would bring in 1-2%. High risk stock fund 7%. You're in the middle risk category, so maybe 4-5%? But if you could get them to take 3%, all the better. Ask them for 3 mos before you start payments, low payment the first year (like maybe $100/mo) and increased payments after that.
I asked for the money. Spelled out the terms.
I hate this so much.
I guess I'm reaping what I've sown.
Heather, it succcks to have to ask for help, especially with the history between you and the family.
Reaping what you've sown? Maybe, but it could also be just another lesson in this whole process.
You're really doing so great. You have a ton on your plate, but you'll get there. One thing at a time.
I read an old post of yours on M Go Blue's thread. Probably 2 days or so after you registered. We have a few things in common, just as you mentioned earlier.
Once you get on your feet, and you own that new life like a boss, I'm coming after you for some brain picking.
.
Hang in. You're awesome, lessons and all. You got this.
Thank you Shining. Pick this brain any ol' time. :-)
I actually have a day, somewhat free!!
I feel like asking for more money is taking all these steps backward. I hate that person who needed all that help financially and made all those bad financial decisions. I don't want to be her anymore. I guess that's why I was killing myself, trying to avoid asking for help.
I think, for whatever reason--whether or not he helps me this time or not--I needed to feel all this. I need to forgive myself.
I feel like a schmuck. That's what it feels like. And, in some ways, I've acted like one. I need to own it.
I lived with a very greedy, manipulative addict for a long time and I adopted a lot of his ways of being...especially when it came to money. That's not on Smokey though...That's on me. I took on values that didn't really mesh with who I am.
I think poverty changes you too.
Regardless, it's on me and I need to own it. I do feel much more sensitive to the situations of others...when it comes to money.
I know what it feels like to be stretched so thin emotionally that you just don't have it in you to earn a buck.
IDK...just working through some of this ick about money today. Trusting that I asked the question and God will provide me with an answer.
I'm glad you have a little time....I won't take up too much today.
So, I'm doing some digging.... And trying to learn the when, what, how and why of these patterns I follow. I came across this post of yours:
H told his mom he was going to marry me someday when he was 14 and I was 12. I think i partly married him because he adored me and I thought he would never, ever abandon me. Surprise!!!
This resonated with me on a huge level. For my H, I was "the girl". As in "the one that got away". His family has told me countless stories about things H said back in jr. high and high school, about me.
I thought he would love me forever, never hurt me, never leave me, you know. That stuff. I felt "safe". It was a sense of security in that I would never be alone again. Surprise!
.
So, I know the MLC is not about me. And he may love me very much. I happen to believe he does. But that doesn't mean we could have a healthy M.
I would be foolish to ignore my end of things, why I gravitate toward certain guys, etc.
What is it you learned about you, and how did you get to that knowledge? I know we are different people with different sets of circumstances, so your answers won't necessarily be my answers. I'm curious, though, to know your perspective on why we seek what we seek.
First off, IMO, this doesn't have anything to do with love...like you said. In fact, I think some MLC-er's crisis is triggered when they reach a stage of the relationship where things feel very comfortable and intimate and deep. That's about when Smokey when off the deep end again. He always did this dance with me where we would achieve this deep level of intimacy (get married, have a baby, settle into middle-age) and he would take about 10 steps away from me. In this case, more like 50 steps.
It's like there was always this child inside of him that was very fragile, sad, insecure and, most of all, AFRAID. He never seemed to trust unconditional love.
I was attracted to Smokey because he was as broken as I was. We both came from very troubled homes. In his case, he was adopted but never told about it until he was 13. I met him around the time he learned of this adoption.
We understood each other's pain in terms of abandonment.
Problem was...Smokey coped with his problems with substances and running away. I became more entrenched in him...looking for safety...he ran further.
It's like there was always this child inside of him that was very fragile, sad, insecure and, most of all, AFRAID. He never seemed to trust unconditional love.
Bingo.
>sigh<
I didn't break that, and I can't fix that, so I've been told. Interesting. Gotta keep fixing me. Maybe he will follow, maybe he won't.
Shining,
Maybe Smokey and your H felt safe to us because they represented what we learned first as kids? In my case, insecurity masked by bravado...immaturity, selfishness...IDK.
I know I loved him deeply. I love him still and I do believe God brought us together for a reason. But, as strongly as I believe this...I also believe...just as strongly, that God wants me to be more than I was. I believe God removed Smokey from our lives in order for us to become stronger in ourselves and more able to serve a purpose in this world...beyond taking care of Smokey and dealing with his insanity.
And, I'm also willing to open myself up to dating men who...maybe don't give me that initial chemistry. I've always been someone who relies on my instincts heavily. In the case of men, I'm not sure I should trust my instincts. Maybe it's time to look at this more practically...And, allow the chemistry to come later??? IDK.
Have we gone back in time?
Looks that way Heather! They weren't kidding when they said this site should be considered "read only" for who knows how long! Every post over the last 36 hours have seemed to just disappeared. It was SUPPOSED to be 24 hours, "maybe" up to 48. Looks to me it will be 48, as tomorrow it will be 48 hours and it still is starting with the same notice.
Hope you're doing well! I'd love to know how things are going with you but I don't think posting right now is a smart idea.