Hi All, It's been a while since I posted - I used to be on newcomers - but my XH has always been securely rooted in a grand mlc.
I've been reading along here all the while, but just living my life with nothing much to tell.
I don't have contact with XH any more - he is extremely angry and irrational still, and I have been getting on with my life without his trauma.
I've been doing pretty well, keeping busy, laughing again, not thinking about XH much at all - all significant changes for me.
And then today, I have had the wind knocked out of my new life's sails.
I had a car accident - in a car-park of all places.
It was stupid and shocking - no-one was hurt but I did a reasonable amount of damage to the car. I am embarrassed and, more to the point, my confidence is shot.
As S15 said - "I never thought you'd be the sort of person to do something like that mum".
Neither did I. I've been driving for 40 years without so much as a scratch.
I feel like I've maybe just lost it somehow.
Cracked under the stress of everything over these past 3 years. It was such a stupid thing to do - and so embarrassing. It wasn't even my car - my parents lent me theirs when XH took our family car.
IDK... maybe it's the sort of thing that could have happened to anyone.
But, point is, I doubt it.
On the other hand, maybe everyone feels like this after they have a crash?
The other thing that worries me is that although I feel horrified and embarrassed by what happened, I also feel as if I don't care. I doubt that this even will make sense to anyone else.
I think I probably really am losing it.
NLW,
Accidents happen when we least expect them. Generally, when we are at fault for such things, we do feel embarrassed by it because most of the time, they were preventable...but again it was an accident and it wasn't something you deliberately did on purpose. You are only human and it does happen to many of us during our lifetime and that's why you have car insurance to take care of such things.
As for the comment your S15 made, I wouldn't put much stock into it because he's not driving yet and one day he'll behind the wheel and better understand how accidents can occur to anyone, even the best of drivers have them.
I'm thankful for you that no one was injured and you are okay.
It's just another straw that adds to the pack on the camel's back after what you've been going through w/your xh. The stress does catch up w/us when we least expect it...but don't be too hard on yourself...it was an accident and nothing more.
No, you aren't losing it, you are just shocked about it and once the shock wears off, you'll be okay. Again, this happens to the best of us no matter what our driving skills are.
Thanks Job, I really needed to hear from someone.
And as you said
I'm thankful for you that no one was injured
I am so grateful for this.
NLW I have been wondering how you have been!
And Yes, I think that is a typical and common feeling to have after you have an accident. Years ago when I rolled my SUV, I felt foolish and stupid and it was a major blow to my self-esteem. I didn't even want to drive after that. It takes time. Everyone makes mistakes. That's why there are erasers on pencils. : )
You have been through a lot. Go a bit easy on yourself.
WH
Yay NLW - glad you popped back over here and are posting on MLC thread now. Its funny how lazy I get and dont check the other threads much any more.
Accidents happen so fast and they are what they are accidents.
Your S15 comments are childish... ignore
He has no idea what he is talking about.
I am glad up to this accident you have been doing well. It took us both a while to get back on our feet. You should be proud of yourself!!
You have come so so far
WH, Bklyn, Thanks for dropping by.
I'm slowly losing the feeling of shock from my accident - although i have a funny sense of things not being real that is still hanging on. I feel like an observer, not participant, in things I am engaged in.
Presume that's part of the process....
One good thing about not having a car is that on weekends I'm not up at the crack rushing kids to their job, to sport, to friends' places, etc.
It's amazing how much time I have to do things around the house/garden and I've even been able to catch up on some of work for my job.
Silver lining to most bad situations.
My fence blew down in a recent storm and the sewer is blocked - still trying to see some bright side to those!
Hope everyone is doing OK.
I passed the 3-year anniversary of BD last week and didn't notice the date till 2 days after. I'm getting there.
Oh NLW, it's so comforting to me to know you forgot the date. Was having a rough day and that helps. It gets better.
Heather, When I did remember - two days past the date, it hit me like a ton of bricks: The date now meant pretty much nothing to me.
Yes, i am still sad and consumed by my new circumstances (trying to get by on nothing and starting a new life in every respect), but the creepy weirdness of what XH did, and how and when ( immediately after a 3-week family cruise and a day before our wedding anniversary [and i can no longer remember how many years that was]), is all pretty much history to me.
It does get better, no matter how low you feel. The terrible feeling of desolation passes. Life goes on... it's trite but true.
I never thought I'd say this, never thought I'd get 'over' XH.
We are not these people; we can survive and thrive without them.
In many cases they were pulling us down - or would have done had they stayed as part of our families in their damaged state.
I completely agree NLW. They pull us down. They suck us dry and go on to the next victim. Much like a vampire.
I know I am much better off now. I still get angry when I think of things but I have decided to just leave J to his new life. It's hard though not to get pulled into the anger and unfairness of things. But we have a new chance at a better life now.
And it is desolation and one feels "demolished" after this. I miss my kids when they are with J, but I try to remember this would be worse for them if J wasn't around and abandoned them.
We will get by.
(((NLW)))
WH
IDK... maybe it's the sort of thing that could have happened to anyone.
But, point is, I doubt it.
On the other hand, maybe everyone feels like this after they have a crash?
The other thing that worries me is that although I feel horrified and embarrassed by what happened, I also feel as if I don't care. I doubt that this even will make sense to anyone else.
Yeah, it does happen.
For me, it happened just after the xw moved out the second time. It was the first snowfall of that year and I was just not paying close enough attention. The car two-cars in front suddenly decided to make a left turn. It was a two lane road and he was around a blind curve. The car in front of me slammed on the breaks and when they did I parked my car under theirs.
It was deemed a no-fault accident and the cop that gave me a ride home was smoking hot. And she had a gun and handcuffs
Nobody was hurt.
I was incredibly thankful, but I felt pretty much nothing either. I had a perfect record for 30+ years at that point.
I totally get it and how it feels.
The only real difference with this happening now and had it happened three + years ago is that you're stronger and better able to deal with it. And your perspective has changed a bit.
It's just things that happen along the way, right? Now that it happened, you deal with it as best you can and that's going to be good enough. You'll get back on the trail and continue on.
But don't discount the stress. Having a way to deal with the stress is important. An ex that is angry and hurtful can contribute to a lot of stress whether you admit it or not. I know how that feels too.
But it is just a point in time and one that you may laugh about later
Glad you're ok.
AJ
AJ, Thank you for your post.
It really helped me to hear about your experience. I appreciate it.
Had to chuckle about the hot cop!
In my latest news - more from the 'you wouldn't read about it' file....
Got the call from the crash repairer to pick up my car today - after over a week of walking/bussing everywhere.
Drove straight to work and parked in the car park.
When I left to come home tonight, I noticed a tiny piece of paper stuck to my windscreen as I approached my car.
Sure enough, someone had run into the rear/side and written off the back end.
At least they left their name and number!
Hoping their insurance will cover a hire car this time.
Aint life grand? There's a lesson in here somewhere, I suppose.
Just an update to register that the script of this mlc process is followed - with some variations around time and degree- pretty much to the letter.
After about 6 months of nc, XH has re-appeared via email.
An out of the blue request: "When can I come to the house to collect some files and a computer".
I let that one go through to the ether. Thought about emailing back: "How about never".
But no. Settlement was a long time ago buddy. You had the chance to get everything you wanted and you took it.
Anyway, then he phoned me to ask about an email he'd received from S15's school enquiring when he'd be returning after a bout of illness.
I explained that he'd had the flu, but was back at school today.
No mention of the computer and files.
Then he started phoning S15. Repeatedly, even while he was in school. This after 6 months of nc with the kids as well.
In his last call he asked S15 to come out to dinner that night.
S15 blew up. He said his Dad was sounding so pleased with himself, and happy, and was acting like nothing had happened between them: "Hey S15 why don't you come out to dinner tonight?"
S15 ended up telling him, in no uncertain terms, why he didn't want to go out to dinner with him.
Few minutes later, I get a call at work. It's XH insisting that I do something about S15's rudeness and demanding to know "what he's been told" to produce such an outburst. !!!!!
He insisted that we all meet up this weekend to discuss the problem.
Ho hum.
I suspect that this latest is just XH's need to keep us in his life in some way - he seems to need the drama and conflict.
My gut says ignore him, but this doesn't seem DB. Not sure that I'm even db-ing any more anyway.
Good to hear from you, NLW.
It seems they always have something to be angry about. At least in my situation, J has stopped (for the moment anywho) directing his anger towards me, but everyone else seems to irritate him, including, interestingly enough, OW and her children. Time will tell what happens.
I am constantly learning how to communicate with J. It isn't easy and it requires putting anger aside and dealing with J as if he were say a business associate. Courteous, kind, patient, but yet detached. It does help and it isn't easy. I don't know if it would work with your flaming fool of an XH. It helps in my sitch that J has cooled his jets somewhat towards me. He seems to be "proving" that he is just as good a dad as I am a mom. Not even close, but it's his illusion, not mine.
I am guessing the drama is a method of keeping you and the kids in his life. He needs you in his own sick and twisted way and when you put up a boundary he has a tantrum like a toddler, because he cannot figure out how to mend the bond the proper way. I think that is why J calls me every day and needs to come up with some whackadoodle reason to call/email/text me constantly.
Just be the better person that you have always been. Pray. It really helps.
WH
Hi WH
Thanks for your post. I think you hit the nail on the head with "cannot figure out how to mend the bond the proper way".
This is my XH's big problem with the kids.
He is just a ball of anger and authoritarian bullying.
He was never like this in real life....
I can't work out at all how to communicate with him. He questions me relentlessly and tries to trap me into making all sorts of strange admissions. For example he always asks me where S15 is when he calls and I am not at home: "Is S15 at home alone? Have you left him on his own?"
This is S15 who will have his drivers' licence in a month... does he think S15 is still 12 years old - like he was when XH left?
The more I try to avoid negativity towards him (by adopting a neutral, non-judgemental approach), the more he tries to insist that I'm blaming him or judging him. In his last outburst, I ended up just not saying anything much but getting off the phone as quickly as was politely possible. There were lots of awkward silences on my part - and this doesn't go down well either.
He is insisting that S15 and i meet with him on Friday to discuss S15's behaviour.
XH wanted to come to our house to do it, but i refused. He bullied and bullied but i just don't want his craziness defiling our home any more.
I suggested we meet at a local park.
S15 says he won't' go as "talking to him is just a waste of time."
Not looking forward to this!
We really only have one thing to say to him: Please pay a decent amount of child support so that we don't have to live like this any longer.
Can't say that in a way that treats him like a passing acquaintance or an old friend we haven't seen in a while.
I am so sorry. I am hoping things improve in your sitch. I think your XH is so far off the charts he will never find his way back.
Your S15 is correct. Talking to him is a waste of time. It's either your X's way or the highway. I am hopeful that in person your X won't be so angry. It's easy to be horrible on the phone or via email or text. It's not quite so easy in a public place in person. Kudos to you for insisting you meet outside your home.
He sounds very defensive like a wounded animal. I am sure things are not going swimmingly for him. He is probably short on money and I am sure life with his new wife (OW) is not as wonderful as he imagined it would be.
Just continue to be your wonderful self.
WH
Sorry to hear about H's blow up NLW.
Funny how they are allowed to "feel" any way they want but other people like a 15 year old doesn't have the right to feel the way he does, and he has good reason to feel that way! My W does this with D14. She was on the phone crying about how she hated her new school and my W was in the background saying that she was "ridiculous" for feeling that way. Like she doesn't have a right to her own feelings. My W can destroy a M and family because she doesn't "feel" happy and blames the very people that actually cared about her but her D isn't allowed to have her own feelings?
My W has told me time and again that I'm going to "make" my D14 hate her. I haven't said one bad thing about her but my W just KNOWS I will. This way she can blame me if her actions hurt her D14. Lord knows that anyone who doesn't think what they are doing is "right" must have been lied to!
Your son is old enough to tell his father exactly why he feels the way he does and make his own choices about when or if he wants to see his dad. It may even be good for him to be able to confront his father with you there to help him feel "safe". It must hurt to have his dad do the things he has done. How these MLCers can't see the damage they cause is a mystery.
You can do this NLW. Maybe it's about time your H hears just how badly he has hurt his own S. Everyone, even parents, need to EARN the respect of their kids. Your H hasn't done this and shouldn't expect it. Telling someone why they don't wish to spend time with them said in a way that is calm and polite isn't "rude". In fact, it may do your S some good to get this off his chest.
Just my thoughts and I'm no expert. Good luck!
""I can't work out at all how to communicate with him. He questions me relentlessly and tries to trap me into making all sorts of strange admissions. ""
Same here. I can't be normal with my ex - he is always trying to twist even my simplest sentences into something bad.
You sound great
Keep talking with your son as much as possible about his feelings, he did not deserve this crap
Hi All,
I think some of the recent activity on my thread has disappeared following the tech work of the last few weeks.
For those who posted to me, thank you. Your input and kindness in keeping up with my sitch has not gone unnoticed.
Just to update, XH has re-surfaced after months of NC.
His approach involves giving the kids money ($100 a week each) - in lieu of child support which he refuses to pay to me.
S15, in particular, is upset with this and has tried to point out to XH the need to pay proper child support.
It has resulted in S15 swearing in frustration at XH on the phone on two occasions.
Each time XH immediately phones me and insists that I meet with him to discuss.
I have taken the line that it's his issue to work through with S15.
XH then threatens me with formal-sounding emails on the topic of S15's "behavioural problems" that are replete with legalese about what he will be forced to do in response.
I've ignored them each time and, so far, nothing has happened.
He has appeared, un-announced, on our doorstep three times in the least fortnight - to deliver a weekly cheque to S15.
Each time he bowls straight into the house, literally pushing aside whoever it is that answers the door.
I don't know what's going on... just reporting the patterns in case any of this helps someone who might have experienced the same part of the MLC cycle.
I am just sitting back and watching the passing parade, but I am worried about what I see as XH's 'strategy' of starting fights with the kids in order to ensure ongoing contact with them.
Your h is rebelling against you and the rules concerning the child support. He's going to show you and everyone else that he's going to do it his way. I think I would not mention it again for a while that he should be writing the check to you. If he sees you and your son aren't reacting to his behavior, he may just cease it.
As for your son's behavioral problems...sounds like he's the one that is projecting. I think you are handling this situation w/a lot of patience.
Now, about answering the door, I would advise him the next time he appears at the door, that if he attempts to run roughshod over the person answering the door, then you will have no option but to tell him to mail the check to your son by certified mail, return receipt. You can also point out that you don't show up at his place unannounced and push your way into his space and you would hope that he would do the same at your place. If he continues to act this way, don't answer the door or look out the window, see who is there and go out another door and meet him in the yard...but doing what he's doing is not acceptable.
Your xh is not happy and he doesn't want to see his family happy and yes, he's trying to convince himself that he did the right thing by walking out, thus the fights ensuing.
Try to dig deeper for patience and set up stronger boundaries and adhere to them.
Another, on the money post by job
Hi Job,
Your post (and Bklyn's endorsement) was really useful for helping me to try to get past my current stage.
I feel like I've moved on - in the sense that i no longer have the cloud of XH's absence hanging over everything I do. He is not 'on my mind' constantly, as was the case for a loooooong time.
What I still can't shake however, is the yearning for things to get back to how they should be. I watched Spielberg's Empire of the Sun a few nights ago with S16, and the boy's line "I can bring everyone back... everyone", as he tries to resuscitate his dead friend, struck home.
I feel like, subconsciously, I'm still hanging on to the belief that we might all get back together as a family - in the way that I believed we once were: loving dad and husband, secure and happy kids, al of us pulling together and with complete faith and trust in each other....
I STILL seem to believe that i can get that back!
How weird is that? (Maybe not so much - if Spielberg is making films about it!)
I think I am still hoping that one day XH will turn up on the doorstep and announce that he's seen the error of his ways. Somewhere, deep down, I still hold out hope for that. I don't actually think I want him back, I just want him to want to come back....
Realistically, I know this can't happen. But I'm just wondering how long this yearning takes to go away. I'm more than 3 years in, and I feel like i still have it.
Time and patience , I suppose, just like everything else.
In other news, S15 turned 16 last week.
That event was clouded a little by the anxiety of what XH might do.
In the end, he imposed himself on S16 against S16's wishes.
We found a present on the doorstep from XH on the evening before the birthday. We 'd been home, so don't know if XH just dropped it and failed to try to see S16 or if he knocked while we were in the back yard.
Next day, he called S16 several times, but S16 did not want to speak to XH - who has not been in contact with him for more than a month.
While XMIL & FIL were visiting S16 that evening, FIL's phone rings and sure enough it's XH insisting to speak to S16. S16 accepted his grandfather's phone and spoke briefly.
It was a set up - XH and FIL had planned to make S16 speak to him this way.
Maybe just a minor incident, but to S16, another manipulation on the part of his father - and a chipping away at the trust he has in his grand-parents (they sided with XH in this).
Oh, and by the way, XH's present to S16?
A video game ... and a moleskine notebook. The latter evinced a WTF moment from S16.
Wonder what was going through XH's head when he purchased that for a 16-y-o boy?
It's been over three years for me too and I know sometimes I too hold on to that fantasy ... even though I can't imagine ever wanting to be with my ex.
The best way I have found to get over it is too write or talk about.
For me the fantasy gets shorter and shorter and I get back to the reality of my great life and my amazing kids.
You have so much to be thankful for and so do your kids. Don't let your son forget all that he has
Some relief, finally.
D18 rang me at work in tears.
XH had appeared at our door to announce that he was moving to another State - 9 hours away by car.
He has no family and no friends there, and the living is much more expensive than here. But apparently he is having trouble making money and needs to move to a bigger city with "more opportunity".
He also said it was because it was "too awkward" living so close to the kids but not being able to see them. He left after about 3 mins. She has her end of year exams starting tomorrow.
As I arrived home with S16 after school, I heard the sound of what I thought was our previous car zooming up the road.
Sure enough, XH walked in right behind us. I left him to talk to S16 and went to sit with D18 and her boyfriend in the back room.
After about 5 mins, during which time he apparently asked about the health of my 90-year-old parents for the first time in 3 years, S16 came out to say that I was being summoned.
XH started up right away: "Do you think it's right to reward inappropriate behaviour?"
Say whaaat?
He repeated, trying to set me up to support his previous claim to S16 that he'd stopped paying child support because S16 had been rude to him.
Then he started to tell me what I "needed" to do in relation to the children.
He went on about how it was all my fault that they wanted nothing to do with him. Ho hum.
It was sort of pathetic, sort of funny, and a lot infuriating.
I chose to be infuriated when he joked that the kids had to "eat cardboard and wear rice in their shoes" - a play on my report that we couldn't afford meat and had no money to replace their school shoes due to his refusal to pay child support.
I guess I just saw red.
There he was with a brand new Rolex on his arm, another new Ralph Lauren shirt on his back and a teenagers' haircut (we call it a 'shorty long-top').
How dare you stand there and laugh at us - with your face all puffy and bloated - and you're 2 stone overweight with all the drinking and eating you''re doing.
He left.
Hallelulja, we'll be free of him. No more having to worry about him turning up on the doorstep. No more having to avoid our local supermarket and main street. No more worries about him and OW turning up at school events.
My, was he pissed off.
Wonder what OW is going to do with her substantial business in this State. She'll have to start up all over again. The things we do for schmoopie....
Ha, I spoke too soon.
I guess XH is all amped up over his impending exit from our town because I received a call out of the blue yesterday asking that we meet to discuss S16 and 'his school'.
I asked what about and XH was loath to provide details, but when I pushed he announced that he had decided not to pay S16's school fees any more.
Now, S16 has attended this school since he was 3-and-a-half years old.
All of his friends are there. He is about to go into his final two years before trying to qualify for a university place.
He is on track to become a school leader, and was just voted MVP in the basketball team and promoted to first trumpet in the school band.
It's all S16 has ever known.
And now, XH decides he doesn't want to pay half the school fees any more.
No consideration of the fact, either, that we sent our D19 to a similar single-sex school throughout her education.
I don't know if there's anything I can/should say to XH next week when we meet up to try to convince him to change his mind.
S16 has made suicidal-type comments in the past few years at different times ... I can only imagine how completely devastated he will be to hear that he might have to change to a very different type of school for his last two years.
XH keeps spending money like a man possessed, but seems to need to keep punishing us in whatever ways he can in order to make himself feel better.
What goes through the minds of these guys just escapes me... has he not thought about the possibility of never seeing his grandchildren, let alone his children again??
Any advice on what I should say when we meet to 'discuss' the issue?
Seems a little limp just to validate his resentment and anger over his 'situation'.....
NLW-I read this thread pretty thoroughly...I think our ex's are the same person...So similar. WOW! when will it end.
I know how much it suucks but I think you and your son need to prepare for S to go to a different school. One thing I have learned is there is no convincing a MLCer to do the right thing.
I wish I could say something to make it better but you are better off spending you your time trying to figure out how you can pay for it then convince him to pay for it.
Your H is an a$$ - he is not gonna come around to seeing how wonderful your S education has been for him.
Bklyn, I think you are right.
XH continues to lash out at us, punishing and humiliating us at every turn.
Everything I say to him, every action or communication, is turned into a move in a ruthless game of chess that he must win.
When he rang to announce he was going to stop paying S16's school fees, I basically said to him what I outlined in my above post - that it would be extremely hard for S16 to lose this last vestige of his old life, and that I was worried because he had voiced suicidal-type notions, previously, in relation to various deprivations and lifestyle changes that were happening due to XH's leaving of us.
Well, today, S16 was pulled from class and sent to see the school 'counsellor' (basically, a teacher with some psych training in his education degree). Please note that I have post-grad qualifications in psych and have worked in the field for 35 years (indeed to add insult to injury, OW is an ex-student of mine who once told me she wanted to be 'just like me'. I didn't realise she meant having my spouse as well!!)
Anyway, it was obvious that XH had told them a story about S16 - but not that he was going to cease paying school fees, nor that he refuses to pay child support!
I haven't told S16 that XH is going to stop paying his school fees from now on.
The boy is sitting his final exams in a week's time and he's trying very hard to score an 'A' for a couple of subjects so he can take an accelerated class that the school offers next year.
So, S16 is in the dark as to why he's being pulled out for special questioning by the teacher-counsellor. He, of course, said that everything was 'fine' - he had no idea what was going on and he was just asked "Is everything going OK?" in a very round-about way.
What a piece of absolute work this XH turns out to be.
He will sacrifice any of us to his own desire to be right and to have control over our lives.
I think our only option may be to cut our losses and refuse, absolutely, to have anything more to do with him ever again.
He is toxic and dangerous.
Sorry that I sound so vicious and negative... normally our lives are going along well, it's just that XH keeps coming back at us over and over again, even 3-and-a half years down the track.
I don't understand why he is insisting on meeting me on Wednesday to 'discuss' the fact that he is going to stop paying S16's school fees.
Obviously I would be wasting my breath trying to convince him of the importance of the school to S16's emotional well-being.
I wonder why i should even bother going - although if I don't, he will maintain to anyone who will listen that I refused to speak to him about it and therefore it is my fault.
I am so over this nut case.
Just an update,
I met X and he announced that, as we were both struggling financially, he would stop paying S16's school fees. He said he'd told the school that S16 would not be back next year.
He said he'd leave it up to me to make arrangements for a new school for S16.
We met at a coffee shop and he ordered a coffee for himself and did not offer one to me.
He would not tell me where he was moving to in the new State to which he is re-locating in the next few days.
I asked him in what sense he was struggling financially, but he said it was none of my business.
I asked him if he'd thought about the impact this would have on S16's emotional well-being, saying I thought it would be an act that there would be no coming back from, in terms of their relationship.
He replied frantically: "There is no coming back from the divorce. There is no coming back from S16 calling me an @#&**^!"
By this stage he was gesticulating rather wildly and people were looking at us.
He then stormed off.
We saw his car parked at the local hotel/restaurant on our way home from school again - for the third time this week (as is pretty typical).
His insistence on meeting to announce all this coincides, to the day, with OW's departure for her annual 3-week shopping holiday in Paris with her mother.
My life is so mad, I can no longer even think about it as actually happening. It seems like a dream or a story that's unfolding for someone else.
I am very sorry that things didn't turn out the way that you hoped they would. You can't reason w/an irrational individual and right now, that is what your h is. He doesn't care about his son and what school he goes to. All he cares about is the money and he doesn't want to spend one penny more than he has to on anyone else but him and the ow.
At this time, the only thing you can do is focus on you and your child. Talk to your son and let him know that you are always there for him and if he wants to talk freely he may do so w/you. Your life and your son's life have been turned upside down and you need to find a way to stabilize your footing so that you can be there for him.
One thing that your h said is correct, you can't come back from divorce if one parties is set on burning down the place and destroying any bridges that connected the two people.
Again, I'm very sorry.
Thanks Job, I appreciate your posting to me.... I am going to work overtime to try to stabilise things for my son. I also intend to contact the child-support agency to see whether they can enforce anything and maybe go the court route too.. although it's probably not worthwhile.
ATM, I feel kind of traitor-like - we are on hold until S16 finishes his exams in 10 days... then I will have to tell him that the last few days of school could be the last he ever has there. The whole sitch is very upsetting.
S16 will likely ball me out for not telling him as soon as I knew. He is hyper-sensitive to people 'lying' to him, these days.
In other news, I found a $100 cheque for S16 slipped under the front door yesterday afternoon. We were all home, but presumably, XH just put it there and ran.
How ridiculous is that?
He stops the kid's schooling the day before, breaks his heart and life in pieces, and then has the gall to think that $100 will be a good idea to show that he still cares.
Also, this is the third day that OW has been overseas - and the third day in a row that he has contacted us (phone, email, f-to-f and dropping off at the house) after weeks/months of NC.
Mad as a meat-axe.
Getting on with things here, although little things S16 says make me feel awful.
Yesterday he jumped into the room after practising his trumpet (he was playing Xmas carols) to announce that he'd set a goal for next year:
To play notes as high as his school trumpet teacher can play (apparently high notes are more difficult and S16 wants to be first trumpet in the school band).
I felt sick. He won't even have a trumpet next year (as it belongs to the school) let alone lessons.
On Saturday, because she wanted to go out late that night, D18 caved and rang XH after long NC because he'd put a block on her phone and she couldn't put credit on it.
He was nice and said he'd put $20 on it for her, but changed the conversation immediately to ask - this and only this: "Can you go and check on the top of the wardrobe in your mother's room to see if you can find my guitar case."
She didn't have to look as it was not there.
Next day, she gets another hurried call, saying he's sending his brother and nephew around NOW to our house to find the guitar case. We have only seen them once in the last 3 years.
D18 was like: "Whaaat?" She had the presence of mind to say that we were going out and he eventually backed down.
When S16 heard he was absolutely furious about the weirdness of it.
I suspect BIL and nephew were helping XH move furniture out of OW's apartment and driving it across to the new State that he is re-locating to.
XH's last day here and all he wants to ask when his kids are on the phone is: where's my god--mn guitar case.
NLW,
I'm very sorry he's being insensitive and a PIA. Their priorities are not the same as ours. To even ask his daughter to go look for the guitar is inexcusable when he should have contacted you about it.
As for your son, I'm sorry about the situation. Maybe something will transpire in the next few months that will turn the decision around about his tuition and school. If he ends up going to another school, they may have a band and he can join it. You never know what will happen in the next 6 months. Stay positive on this situation.
If you still have the guitar and case, put it somewhere that you can easily locate it if he should want it again. I certainly wouldn't change my plans for him, your BIL or nephew when it comes to getting things for you h. Heck, he's got money, he could go out and purchase another one at this point in time. Maybe Scrooge will bring him one.
I hope that you and your family have a nice Thanksgiving. I know you've got a lot on your plate and are stressing over the tuition situation, but do try to put that stuff aside on Thursday and enjoy your day w/your family.
I am so sad for your son. He does not deserve this.
Please surround him with love and remind him that this does not have to be the end of something great but the start of something greater. Give him all the tools he needs to grow from this life changing experience.
Job and Bklyn, Thank you for your kind thoughts.
You are right Job, I need to stay positive - who knows how this may pan out...
Bklyn, I love your philosophy - I will definitely tell S16 of your wise advice:
"this does not have to be the end of something great but the start of something greater."
Although we don't celebrate TG in Aus, I have a lot to be thankful for:
Caring posters like you who come to my thread whenever I need support and advice, great kids and two parents still hanging on in there and willing to help me in any way they can.
Great friends, too - one has invited me over for dinner on the weekend and has also asked an old friend of ours who used to work with us but has since moved out of our circle - he's now D-ed and has a young daughter... I suspect we're being set-up, but who cares!
Another old boyfriend just emailed me out of the blue on the weekend to say he's visiting his mum for Xmas (he now lives in Peru - a gold-mine CEO, no less) and can we catch up for dinner.
He's married to a Peruvian woman now, so no chance of romance there, but SO nice to get his email and excited to see him after all these years (like, 40!).
I hope you all have a wonderful TG - please know that I will be thinking of you all as good friends who have helped me through the toughest of tough times.
True thanks to you all.
NLW
So sorry you are going through such a hard time, hang on in there. I am sending hugs across the ditch to you.
Sounds like you have some lovely supportive friends around you, enjoy them and your dinner at the weekend :o)
NLW - I have been following your thread and I just wanted to say I am sorry you are having to deal with XH. Your son does not deserve to be treated like this. You sound very strong and caring. Your children are lucky to have a mom like you.
I also love your positive upbeat attitude. Keep us posted and hang in there.
Lou and Gwen thanks for your support... It really helps.
For some reason, I am going through a real low patch today - "I just want my old life/and XH back" ... the kids need their father; if he would just show remorse and see how lost he's been, we could forgive him and try to re-incorporate him into our lives..
Like, yeah, that's gonna happen.
It's just a normal yearning for a happy life, I suppose. For an end to heart-ache and sadness. But it's not going to come through XH's actions, I know.
I think I'm down today because we put up the tree yesterday, and Xmas was always such a big thing in our household. I've been dragging my feet on the decorations and making the pudding this year - left to my own devices, think I'd just forget it all, but I want to make things nice for the kids. So I do it, and then I get sad and sorry for myself. (Time to grow up; there are many worse things that can happen to people.)
Also, I have my big meeting with my old friend tonight and for some reason, after looking forward to it for the last week, now the day is here, I've woken up feeling sick and anxious. Maybe it's because I'll probably have to explain my lack of a husband and financial troubles....IDK.
This will pass, I know.
Thanks again everyone for your support; it helps. Sorry to be so down, I think even writing this out has helped me though.
I hope you are all doing OK.
Sometimes I doublely bum myself out cause I feel like a Schmuck for having the same old silly thoughts.
And I never want to admit to having those feelings anymore.
But just like you I feel better when I write them here.
You are not alone.
Remember - you have an awesome life with two healthy & smart kids!
We all have those days ...weeks ...months !!
Remember its just passing through and will be gone soon enough.
Christmas Tree up - I can never get my head around Xmas in the sunshine; its so bizarre listening to christmas carols about snow and cold frosty nights whist sat around in shorts and T's slapping on sunscreen lol.
Keep smiling - get some christmas spirit in you, just remember to put some in the pud too
Hi NLW - I was just checking on you.
Stay positive! I hope things with your son's school thing works out for the best...who knows what is in store!
Try to enjoy your holiday's with your kiddos...I am like you, not ready for the Christmas holiday at all. I am not even sure my kids are looking forward to it either...so much has change!
But I digress. I just wanted to see how things are with you!
I'm here...we are all here, if you need.
Bklyn,
Subsequent events always make me feel like a schmuck, too, for reverting to my sentimental feelings about XH and what I thought was my old life.
Thanks for your ongoing support.
Lou,
Oh the weather outside is frightful.... yeah, a blistering 40 degrees.
Least it's good G&T weather. Will that do for Xmas spirit?
BRNR, Thanks so much for being there for me. It means a lot.
Ragged tonight. The twists and turns of XH's bizarre behaviour are hard to endure.
Those of you who've been following recent developments will recall that XH recently announced he was moving interstate.
OW's luxury apartment (just around the corner from us) was put up for rent. XH organised the move while OW has been holidaying in Paris.
Then a week ago, XH announced he was no longer going to pay half of S16's school fees.
When he did so, I asked him where he thought S16 could go - as we live in a suburb where there is, controversially, no local public secondary school.
XH proposed the one public school that is located in the CBD. I pointed out that it is impossible to get in to due to demand, but XH was emphatic. He stormed off to prove to me that S16 could get in.
Next day I received an email demanding that I tell him what arrangements I was making for S16's schooling next year.
I think XH had found out, as I did as soon as I looked on the school's website, that we do not even live within it's zone of eligibility.
Our zone is for a public school that is so notorious for problems that it has had to change it's name. It's stats for college attendance of its students are among the lowest in our state. Basically, almost none of the students who attend go on to higher education.
I replied with the following email:
Dear XH,
If you intend to cease paying your agreed half of S16's school fees, it is up to you to propose alternative arrangements.
You indicated that you intended to do this yesterday, specifically mentioning that you were going to approach ABC School.
Please let me know what transpired when you phoned them.
Please also provide some evidence to support your claim that you are struggling financially.
As you would be aware, it is not rational to believe that you can simply state that you are struggling in order to avoid a financial obligation.
Kind regards,
XW"
XH then insisted in his reply email that I tell him when he could speak to S16 to announce that he could no longer attend his private school.
The date I nominated was this afternoon.
One hour before the appointed time I received another email from XH. It said:
"Hi XW,
Please let me know what arrangements you are making for S16 next year. I have spoken with his current school and they also require you to clarify the situation with them.
I will not be making arrangements for him as you are the custodial parent. I do not have access to him or co-operation from him or yourself. I had offered to discuss this with you but you refused.
Thanks"
Then he did not show up at the appointed time.
No other communication.
He is not going to tell S16, I assume.
He has simply wiped the whole issue from his field of concern. He is moving away and we are none of us on his radar any more.
I'm not sure how to proceed. I feel very worn out.
NLW - How are you doing? Been thinking about you. We are doing ok but decided not to put up a tree this year. We are leaving to visit family on Christmas Eve and thought with the girls and final exams to just keep it simple.
I thought about trying to get everything down by myself but my heart wasn't in it so maybe keeping it simple is better. Next year we will feel stronger.
Just popped by to say hi.
I am very sorry that he continues to be a PIA. If I were you, I'd go ahead and start checking out some of the schools that your son could possibly go to, but I wouldn't share that info w/your h at this time. As for notifying the school that he's attending, why would you need to tell them now? I would think that this is something would be done later in the school year.
Have you spoken to the school accounting department to see if you could possibly set up some sort of payment plan to cover the half your h won't be paying? I know you would prefer he attend this school, maybe if you explained the situation to them, they may be able to offer some suggestions in the way of finances.
Right now your xh's focus is on moving and he couldn't care less about you or his son. It's shameful and I'm not surprised he didn't make the appointed time to sit down w/his son and explain the situation to him. As for him being in a financial crunch, I don't buy it and I'm sure you don't either. Why? Because he doesn't know what next year will bring money wise and to announce it now just tells me he's a selfish PIA.
I hope that something comes along and changes his mind as nothing is more important than a good education and a child who is happy w/his school.
Take care.
NLW- I think we were posting at the same time. I just read your update.
Perhaps now is the time to consult an attorney. If H is reluctant to share financials with you then you may have to hire someone else to take up this fight. Is there a way to get H to continue paying fees until a permanent settlement is worked out? Not sure of the laws where you live but in the US most judges would consider his withdrawal of support unacceptable unless he can show evidence his income dropped substantially. At this point your primary obligation is to your son and if you have legal recourse to get him through school then I would pursue that ASAP. In our country you can get an emergency hearing so a judge can rule to keep everything status quo.
My H has also completely taken us off his radar. It is as if we no longer exist except as distant relatives he used to spend time with. My children are hurt but the stronger I am in carrying on the stronger they seem to be. If your son sees you fighting for his right to graduate from the school he knows and loves then he will model that strength no matter what the outcome.
Another handy tool is to communicate via email but whenever possible cc someone else. For instance if you are discussing school arrangements then call the headmaster to get information, relay information to H in an email and copy the headmaster. H can't manipulate or rewrite facts if there is a third party in the conversation. This is also why a lawyer is helpful if H is withdrawing support.
I wish we didn't have to be here discussing these things. I trusted H 100% but now he is so erratic that I am relieved I hired an attorney and can at least get the finances ironed out. i keep telling myself that if these decisions are made as if I am handling a business and not being vindictive then I am on the right path. The emotional side of things will have to wait.
My D16 loves her school and I know having to switch would be completely unfair and cruel at this point.
I agree w/Gwen...it's time to think about putting something legally in place where it comes to support for your son. I know you probably don't want to go that route right now, but it's important to get something set up and if you have to, have his wages garnished and the money sent directly to your account. It's shameful the way he's handled this situation.
Gwen, Job, thanks for your help - and Gwen, I really appreciate hearing about your similar circumstances.
Would you believe I have done the whole attorney thing. Spent tens of thousands and the settlement is all done and dusted - and STILL xh continues to ignore the orders.
He is SO tricky. He has steadfastly refused to reveal even one minute detail of his financial situation throughout all of this. He has no assets in his name and is self-employed. When the Judge ordered him to file his outstanding tax returns, he just pulled out of the whole court process.
ANYWAY, I continue to do what I can.
And would you believe - yesterday I got some great news!
Child support agency, who I was working with to re-assess the amount XH claims he earns, FOUND IN MY FAVOUR!!!!!
It means he is ordered to pay almost 3X the amount he currently does pay per month (the bare minimum) for support for S16. AND, he has to back-pay.
YAAAAAAAY
Of course, it's probably only a moral victory. He will argue that he can't pay... will object to the decision.... he simply won't pay.
But still, I feel so happy to be vindicated by some sort of outside observer.
So, while I suspect my feeling of joy will be short-lived, I am a very happy little person atm. If the extra money does, somehow, come through, it will make such a difference.
NLW,
I am happy to hear about the support folks finding in your favor. If XH cannot or won't cooperate, then the next step is to have his wages garnished. Don't be shy about it at all. I have a friend who has two sons and has had their father's wages garnished because he CANNOT be counted on to provide support payments.
The child support agency can arrange for it after they receive a court order to do so. I believe my friend received a court order that her sons' father have his wages automatically garnished into her bank account.
I think this is something for you to explore with your L.
Good luck!
Hi Wonka,
Yes, that would be the next step in a normal world.
Except, XH is self-employed... and so there is no wage. And there are no tax returns, and he has no assets in his name.
He really has all bases covered.
One thing our agency does here is to prevent overseas travel by those who have significant outstanding child support payments.
So eventually, if he chooses not to pay, he will be turned back at the departure gate on one of his luxury overseas holidays ...
Ohhhh...try to picture him in his bright orange Bermuda shorts standing at the departure gate at the LAX airport being told by the customs officials that it is a no-go for Fiji because he skimped on his kids. Nice!
No Fiji, dear.
How is he avoiding tax returns? Is he a crack dealer?
Glad to hear you were victorious about back child support. Perhaps you can send him an email and copy the school headmaster indicating that you would like outstanding balance to be paid directly to the school to cover tuition. Would that make him accountable? Just trying to get your son to be able to stay in his school.
Hang in there and congratulations.
I pushed submit too early.
I'm glad they supported your claim and you feel heard, finally.
NLW,
Most private schools set aside scholarships for those without the financial means and I think it would be worthwhile to explore that option with the school admin now that you are a single mother.
You can do it nlw! Don't let him drag you and your son down the drain with him.
Maybe there is something the school can do to help you out. It is only 1 or 2 more years
Sometimes I really believe I a lucky single mom cause my ex is so uninvolved. Other single moms I know get so annoyed by their exs "helping" out all the time - at least we don't have to worry about that
Be strong for your son- show him not to give up
I was self-employed, but I still had to file taxes. How can he pay himself and not pay the taxes? It is illegal. I hope that this will be resolved on time for the payment to your son’s school and he will not have to go to a different school. I’m sending you the positive thoughts and I really hope that it all works out.
Hi Bright, LoisB has the same question...
I, too, was amazed that the tax office didn't seem to care. I asked an accountant and he said that if they don't have a file on you as a having owed them tax in the past, the system simply doesn't flag you as a problem.
Now, XH has never worked in a real job. He hovered around college for many years chopping and changing from degree to degree (why didn't I see this as a problem?).
Then he met me. I was the finance and the equity he needed to start dabbling in his own 'businesses'.
He has NEVER paid tax as he hasn't ever earned anything from his self employment (hasn't even paid off his student loans as they kick in when you lodge a tax return). Money comes in to his businesses but it goes straight out again. And eventually, he has to liquidate the business.
So, he is off the radar as far as the tax office is concerned.
These days, he just uses the income from his current business as an ATM as far as I can see.
It's beyond mind-boggling to me that anyone could operate like this. I get nervous if i haven't paid a bill at least a week before it's due... and as far as doing anything illegal, tax-wise... I'd never sleep again!
If they ever do catch up with him, I can't imagine what would happen. We are talking almost two decades of income without having paid tax (or keeping records).
I feel sick just writing about it.
NLW -
I don't know if this is any help but when my Sx2 were at P/School we paid an insurance within the fee. This covered the fees in the event of loss of income.
I know of several parents who got d whilst at the school and the school helped them out, so it may be worth setting up a meeting with your s school and explain the situation to them - if there is a way of keeping your s there they will know.
Good Luck
Just a quick update to report an unexpected twist in the road. And to confirm to everyone that you never do know what's around the corner...
Couple of days before Xmas, I got an email from someone I knew in high school.
He'd recently met up with my old high school BF who'd been visiting our town from his new home in Peru. Old BF mentioned that he'd caught up with me and the two spoke about what i'm doing now.
Apparently I sounded interesting enough for the other guy to contact me to say hi.
Now this was a guy who I always adored from afar but thought was out of my league.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw his name in my inbox - after 40 years!
He has been separated for 3 years (after 30 y marriage) and has 3 kids similar ages to mine. I've seen his photo and he still looks as handsome - sorta George Clooney-ish to my eyes.
We are meeting up day after tomorrow for a stroll around the botanic gardens - and he wants to go for dinner after that.
Who would have thunk it?
He's almost falling over trying to get me to meet him - makes me a little suspicious (actually, given my recent experience, a lot suspicious) but also made me realise that I have a lot to offer.
Now if i only had time to get a face lift and my teeth whitened...
Just be yourself. No one stays young looking forever! I'm sure up close he's not as young looking as he use to be. Go and have a good time. You have a lot of catching up to do, i.e., 40 years worth!
That is so exciting.
Funny how guys that were cute to us in high school or college always have a special place in our hearts.
Have a fun time. So exciting!!
Nice! At my last reunion, one of the handsome football players (now happily married for many years) confessed that he had a big crush on me in high school. I never had a clue! As one of the nerdy intellectual kids, I would have been completely flabbergasted if one of the "popular" kids asked me out lol! It was nice to hear though.
NLW, give yourself a break.
I hope you have a fun time.
Sounds like fun. Enjoy yourself (says super nerdy girl in hs)!!!
So, how was the date? Can’t wait to read the updates.
Details please
Oh dear....
unfortunately, I don't have good news to report.
The poor man was clearly completely unreconstructed following his own divorce.
I felt like I was in a situation that was like that movie where the guy has to find a woman to marry him before new year's eve in order to qualify for some sort of inheritance.
The emails came thick and fast - sometimes 2 or 3 before i 'd had time to reply...
When i met him, he started touching me affectionately immediately (rubbing my shoulder and arms). He straightaway started reminiscing about all sorts of specific occasions from 40 yrs ago that I could no longer remember - and then telling me that I was a a candidate for alzheimers for not being able to recall.
Turns out we had nothing in common (other than being divorced and traumatised by it).
He kept pushing for more and more future dates even before we'd met for the first time.
He also was very bitter about his XW and peppered his conversation with references to what a B she was.
Truly, I suddenly understood how my X must have felt about me being so clingy and pursuing just after BD. Even how he felt when I tried to touch him and he would flinch. I felt pretty much the same way.
I learned something really important. I am not ready for a relationship.
I just wanted to run away.
I've spent the last few days thinking carefully about a lot of things. I feel like the experience has put me back a fair bit.
But looking at it another way, an important learning experience I suppose.
But looking at it another way, an important learning experience I suppose.
Hmmm.. Yes, a learning experience.
What will you learn next week, I wonder? Turns out the world is full of interesting things to learn and experience...some better than others, but all very interesting.
AJ
NLW - sorry I have been MIA. Sounds like this guy was not for you but if you stay open to the possibility of meeting someone then you never know. I am a believer in destiny.
Hi Gwen, Thanks for looking in on me!
I have been lacking motivation to post here for a while - it's been a time of continued bad behaviour in terms of finances from XH, and I just have felt like I would be focussing to much on him to post details. But it is sapping my energy.
That he can still sabotage me financially after all this time - at every possible point of interaction - just gets me down.
I'm still reading everyone's posts here and keeping up with things.
One thing to reinforce for those interested in what it's like to be in mlc - the idea that time stands still for them seems very true.
XH rang D19 (using a non-identifiable phone number) the other day and when she answered, he asked if she was going off to school today.
She finished her schooling back in 2013.
NLW - hearing about XH is both sad and kind of validating in a way. Goin on 9 months post BD and really starting to think that H sense of time is off. One more reason that I think he is truly lost to us and by the time he returns (if he returns) my girls and I will be older, wiser and not able to relate to him in any way.
As I read these boards it makes me realize the odds of reconciliation are slim. Of course many successes don't post but I still sense that MLC is often so catastrophic that the S has crossed a threshold that makes reconciliation almost impossible.
Wish I could be more optimistic these days but a new reality has taken hold. I still pray. i just think the odds are slim.
Gwen, I can't imagine how the kids and I could ever relate to XH in a normal way again, after what he has put us through.
However, I've noticed that I'm somehow numb and a little repelled by the idea of closeness to anyone (in a romantic relationship sense).
I imagine it's some sort of ptsd.
Looking forward to tracking what phase i go though next.
I've been sad, mad, angry, feisty, passive, depressed, manic and empty, round and round and back and forth.
The only way forward is to go through it.
Just an update for those interested in the noticeable phases of a long-term mlc. To re-cap, I am more than 3 and a half years since BD and no sign of anything other than replay from XH. We are more of less over his antics, but they make for interesting viewing nonetheless.
S16 contacted XH to 'beg', again, that he might sign S16's passport application (his old one has expired). He sent XH the form weeks ago but XH does not respond....
Anyway, XH who now resides on the other side of the country from us (OW moved for work), announced that he is going to move to Cambodia to live.
This is definitely WTF territory for someone like XH. Cambodia?????
Why? asked S16.
Reason 1: XH wants to make it easier for S16 and D19 - so that they don't have to see him around the place and feel awkward.
Errrr, but you live on the other side of the country anyway, says S16.
Oh yeah well,
Reason 2 says XH: Cause I kept seeing you and your sister everywhere..
Errr, but you live on the other side of the country now and so you don't see us anyway, says S16.
Oh well,
Reason 3 says XH: Everything is so much cheaper over there and there is so much money to be made building things.
Errr, but you don't have any building skills - you just started a mining company here, what would happen to that, says S16.
Oh, but Reason 4: I want to help under-privileged children, says XH.
OK, I've got to go now says S16. Any chance you could sign my passport application form?
I need to speak to your mother about it first, says XH. Get her to ring me.
Goodbye, says S16.
Rather than just trying on different identities, this mlc-er seems to be drawn into doing whatever it is that some man in his general social group is doing.
The mining company that he started came out of nowhere (and on the back of zero expertise or experience) when he took up with an old university friend after BD. This guy had been recently made redundant and so had to go to the back of beyond to get a job in a mine (didn't last long). But XH got the brilliant idea that he would a start up a mining company.
The Cambodia idea comes from the friend of his enabling aunt who recently shocked the local community by giving up a prestigious job at age 57 to go and help orphan children in Cambodia.
This just gets weirder and weirder.
Wonder what OW thinks of his latest plan! You gotta laugh.
NLW OMG I relate to this type of thing. Many many years on my xh is bemoaning a lack of relationship with his now adult children.
Me, but you moved over 1000 miles away. Xh but that is where my life is (me, not saying, but thinking) yes, but it wasn't until you moved there . . He actually has a home near them as well but scarcely spends any time there. At one point he was also thinking of moving to another continent.
The idea that relationships needs either proximity of work never enters their brain, until a lot later down the line.
His latest scheme is to become a novelist!! (He writes very serious academic tomes, or did pre MLC).
Me (interested voice) oh how much have you written? XH - nothing yet I am still thinking about it.
I was tempted to give the Peter Cook response to the man who said at a party 'I am writing a novel' to which Peter Cook replied 'Neither am I'
Total disconnect from reality
Bea,
Love that Peter Cook line!
And yes, you captured it: Total disconnect from reality.
But how do they maintain it????
Anyway, been thinking about this drive that they have to build things, create something, save people....
Why isn't a family and children enough in this regard?
Is it that they didn't get enough kudos / recognition from outside world?
But surely your X got recognition for his academic work?
IDK, they are just empty, looking for something to make them feel better, I suppose... why their family isn't enough is anyone's guess.
Wow
Wow
My jaw is on the floor
Cambodia?
Seriously
The thing is "wherever you go there you are" --- Cambodia or Canada -- it just doesn't matter.
I am so glad you can have a bit of humor in the midst of all his spinning. Sometimes that's the best coping strategy there is.
It is like the Marx brothers line - Wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member. Grandiosity mixed with pitifully low self esteem.
They take what they have for granted to the point of not valuing it at all, and want fresh adulation.
When I think about my stich with my MLCer W and I read someone else's sitch like this... Really? Cambodia?
I swear if this were a horror movie then it would be the same evil spirit possessing all of the MLCers... If it were a scifi movie then it would be aliens or something like the Borg... If it were a combo scifi horror flick then maybe some brain parasite or a virus...
How else to explain the same script and very similar crazy ideas, actions, and insane/irrational thoughts?
Just an update - in part to let everyone know I'm still reading all sitches - just really pushed to find time to post.
Also, things have been pretty hard lately and I didn't want to bring everyone down.
My dad died a few days ago and we are burying him tomorrow. I can't really seem to grasp that it's real, but I think this is pretty standard.
He's been sick for a long time - Parkinson's and he was 90 years old.
We sat with him in the hospital for around 12 days since he developed aspiration pneumonia from being unable to swallow. A pretty grim way to go... you can't eat and at 90, hospital staff are not keen to try the feeding options.
He was unconscious for the last two days and it was hard watching over him. I was so afraid, at first.
I've written his eulogy and organised the funeral. Just have to go to the damned thing tomorrow. I'd really rather not. Is that awful?
S16 says the same thing. I keep thinking how i took myself off to D court and got through that. . .
Out of the blue, I got a call from XH yesterday demanding that i get the kids to call him. He didn't say why.
When D19 returned his call, he announced that his dad, their other grandfather, was being operated on today for a brain tumour. He didn't ask about my dad, although he must know (from MIL) that he was near death.
The kids are in a state of weird otherness. I think we all are.
Meantime, S16's school has hit me with a bill for $20,000 of unpaid fees from the previous 2 years that XH was supposed to have paid, but did not - unbeknownst to me.
Their lawyers have sent a letter of demand indicating that, as I co-signed the enrolment form 14 years ago, I am liable for any unpaid fees, regardless of what a court-ordered settlement says about both parents sharing payment of fees.
XH knows how to play the system - he has no assets in his name and is self-employed. Therefore the only one who creditors can come after is me.
I'm OK, I think. Just thankful that I seem to have switched into survival mode and have a sense that things are not real. Don't know how long that might last.
Not looking for sympathy, just wanted to let everyone know that after you've been through a spouse's mlc, you eventually get the feeling that you can pretty much cope with anything.
I just patiently try to deal with whatever comes my way these days. SO different to how I used to be.
I am very sorry to hear that your father passed away. It's never easy to watch a parent slowly leave this earth. Right now, your focus will need to be on the funeral and supporting your children thru this sorrowful event. Please take care of yourself.
As for your xh, the next time he calls demanding that the kids call him, tell him that he needs to deal w/them directly. They are old enough to make decisions about whether or not they want to speak w/him.
He really needs to call 1-800-Stupid. What an insensitive @sshole.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts in prayers.
Sorry to hear about your hard times.
You do sound fantastic.
Keep you head up. Your a new woman
Thanks Job and Bklyn, I really appreciate your support.
I'm concentrating now on catching up on all the home and work jobs that I haven't had time for in the last 2 weeks. A bit scary - I'm feeling overwhelmed. Also keeping a close eye on the kids.
I will get through.
Sorry to hear about your loss
We cope with the stress the best we can
Now is the time to just try to take care of yourself and the kids
making sure you are resting sleeping exercising eating
all things will pass
I remember at one point my XH seemed to spend everything in sight
our business was in the negative and I was unsure how much I would be responsible for
at the same time my mother was also dying
somehow I got through it
and miraculously everything has worked out in my life for the best
continue to do the right things and take care of yourself
somehow life has a way of working out
Thanks Peace, I really appreciate your post.
You are so right. Somehow, life has a way of working out.
Somehow, we survive and continue on.
And, thanks largely to those who offer their time, their wisdom, and their care on this site, we learn from these hard times.
Yes we do learn and it is our BEST teacher
I do not achieve as much self growth when everything is smooth
I look back on that time as a good time during my H MLC
I saw how strong I am,,I pulled it together
My relationships all everyone of them got better and stronger(except myEX)
My kids are both on good paths and I am grateful
There is a lot of help all over to guide us
It is our choice how we handle the crises
but most people on this site seem to come through it for the better
and u will to
peace
I haven't been posting for a while - I thought I was getting to a point where I'd moved on.
Just looking for a bit of perspective, i suppose... feel like I might be catastrophizing, but I'm upset for my kids (D19 & S16).
XH's father - their grandfather - died last week after months under palliative care with cancer and brain tumour. They were not told any details about his funeral.
I am finding it very hard to believe that people could be so cruel as to exclude grandchildren from such a family event.
NLW - I am sorry to learn that your c were kept in the dark about the passing of their grandfather - its so sad for them to know that they have have no standing within your ex family.
You have given your c love and stability from the start and whilst they know they have 2 families, you are the one that they will look to in the future, they will value that more than anything.
Feel what you feel, its right, but then let it go and help them move forwards from this -
((hugs)) to you
Thanks Lou, I know you are right... I just feel very shocked that anyone would treat young people who are grieving like this.
I will focus on helping them move forwards, but i worry that this sort of thing is something that scars you forever.
The only reason I can think of for them not to be told of the funeral is that XH didn't want to risk them telling any of his family members that he refuses to pay any child support for them. He is patently not impoverished, so it would be very awkward for him.
On the other hand, maybe they have all just written us off as 'bad' people who XH was lucky to get away from.
Boy this is hard...
NLW, I’m so sorry to hear that your kids were excluded from such an important “event”. You might be right about your xh’s motivations. As for the family members… you just don’t know what he told them and what they thought. Maybe they didn’t think at all... Maybe they thought that xh would handle it on his own. But, he didn’t. Such an @ss.
Hang in there. Your kids have a great Mom. As for xh and his family… Whatever they did will come back to haunt them. I believe in universe returning back what you send in there… Sorry for the messy post.
I'm sorry about your dad.
You are an amazing lady. Thinking of you.
I'm very sorry that your children were not informed of the grandfather's passing. People can be so dense when it comes to separations/divorces and not tell family members of deaths, births, etc. because they don't know what to believe by the family member who actually did the splitting up of the family.
The people who walk out on relationships tend to vilify those who were left. Blood is thicker than water and when it comes to believing what they are told...generally they fall in line w/their family member even though we didn't do a thing wrong. Some day, hopefully, they will come to realize that it was him and not you and your children that created his situation.
You are a good mother and do not ever forget that. As for your xh and his family, well...this incident says it all for now...let them go, but pray for them. They need all the prayers that you can say.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
Bright, Lois, Job,
Thanks so much for your replies, I was really shocked and hurt for my kids.
I find that I still get dragged down into thoughts of "how could XH do this?" every now and again.
One day soon, I will no longer be shocked or hurt. I feel like it will be soon - there's not anything left for him to punish us with. My dad has died - and he didn't even acknowledge the death of this man who was like a father to him. He has cut off both kids financially and emotionally, he has re-married (I think) without telling his kids; he has left the state to live far away (although may have returned without telling us).
We are nothing to him, and yet still I get shocked.
But as i said, nothing much left now that he can do to us.
Your replies have helped me get back to feeling OK about this strange family's reaction to their grandkids.
It is their thing to do with as they wish... and they will now have to play out the consequences. I don't mean this in a retaliatory way.... but what were they thinking? What did they imagine would happen in the future once they'd done this?
Whatever.....
I feel much more like just shrugging and getting on with things today. Back to a focus on us.
S16 has his first school 'prom' coming up next week, and we are trying to organise a suit for him.
S19's boyfriend has a reasonable car, and has offered to act as 'dad' to drive us to pick up S16's date for the before party.
Everything is coming together nicely!
Thanks again everyone for your kindness and support. I wouldn't be able to bounce back so easily without you all.
NLW - I am so sorry for your losses these past years. i am thinking of you and sending my best thoughts for peace out to you and your children. You are a tough cookie and a survivor. Thank you for posting. Your story has inspired me.
Hi NLW I am so sorry for your losses this year too. I haven't been reading as regularly as before so I am sorry also that this is coming late.
I want to reiterate what the others have said- you are a wonderful mom. And as I have gotten to know you over the years- I know that you are tough as he!!.
You have walked through it and you are stronger, better, fadter and better for it. You inspire me.
Your children are blessed to have you.
You are beautiful.
(((((()))))))
NLW - After you posted on Bea's thread I landed here to see if you had an update. My H never filed for D but 2 years later we have all been discarded in a similar fashion.
As time passes their indifference still haunts me but it also reaffirms that H's crisis really didn't center on our marriage. Treating your grandchildren and children that way is not normal when people decide to leave because of marital issues.
Hope life is peaceful for you these days and you've been able to move forward. I am working on it but some days I feel like a snail. Your posts offered me such comfort and I'd like to thank you for sharing.
Wow Gwen, Thanks for getting in touch!
Looking above, it's been almost a year since I last posted on my sitch.
Just to update you - I think I am getting on OK these days.
In retrospect, I think I have probably been pretty depressed at times over the last year.
I had a 6-month sabbatical from work and due to the lack of structure in my day, soon ended up not very motivated to get out of the house.
Once you give in to feelings like those, the spiral into inactivity and isolation can occur pretty quickly. However, I just stuck out the down times and eventually the feelings passed. I am now back on top of things again and interested in life once more.
Money is still tight, as XH continues to refuse to contribute anything by way of child support for either of the kids - who are both students, although now nearly 21 and 18 years of age.
His Child Support arrears now stand at around $33,000. Perhaps one day a miracle will occur and they will get what they are entitled to.
As far as he goes - there has been no contact for a long time. I heard that he had indeed moved to Cambodia to live for a while. So bizarre....
I also heard that he and OW had split up (presumably she didn't want to join him in Phnom Penh!).
Apparently, he is now returned, and living with his mother (he is 46 years old).
He has started another 3 new businesses, each in a different field, and each more fantastical-sounding than the next.
I also get almost monthly calls from a car finance company informing me that our car (that he insisted on taking with him when he left) is going to be repossessed, as he hasn't paid the lease fee. It's a luxury sedan that he needs to keep up appearances. He's paid more for that lease over the last five years than the arrears on the Child Support. But oh, he cares about his children - just ask him!
It's just weird how full-blown mlc seems to strike them.
I am focusing on my kids - giving them as much help to live happy, interesting, fulfilled lives as I can.
I worry, now and then, about how I'l cope when they move out of home and it's just me and the dogs. I'm not really a very social person outside of family.
But I know that I'll manage with the passage of time. That much I'm sure of these days.
Things can be hard - or even seem impossible to deal with. But with time, you mange to cope somehow or another. You might even thrive - if you can just hang on.
So don't worry about feeling like a snail - it happens to us all. Things will change, and you will get there in the end.
Hey NLW, great to hear from you! I’m so sorry about your job situation and about you being stuck in the house for some time. I can relate… I’m an introvert by nature, but I try to maintain the connections… even though it would cost me to be social a few times a week (which could be very exhausting to me…) I feel for you and your kids, and that you still have to deal with your xh who is clearly still stuck in a lala land.
I hope that things can improve for you. Hang in there. You are going to come out of this thing ad a winner! And… you and the dogs in the house (when your kids are gone) is not such a bad thing… trust me
.
NLW,
I am very glad you returned to post an update. I'm sorry to read that you've had bouts of depression over the last year and I do hope that you are feeling better soon. Are you taking AD's or seeing a therapist?
I can't believe how old your children are! Time sure does fly and I'm sorry your xh hasn't been supportive both money wise or physically, mentally or emotionally to you and the children. I hope and pray that some day he comes to realize what he's done. He's got two great kids that needed a father in their lives and yet, he elected to walk away and basically ignore them.
He'll be surprised when they send the repo man out to get the car...but that's on him. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and not paying his bills will continue to get him in hot water.
You are wise to keep the focus on you and your kids. NLW, things will change, but change takes time and it's slow...but slow is good to make sure you are happy w/the changes that are taking place in your life. Continue to take it one day at a time and don't look too far ahead...things tend to change very quickly when we do that.
Take care.
P.S. Please start a new thread.
New Thread:
Five years on