I've spent so much time looking back on the past. Memories are so hard to push away. It's dawning on me that I haven't spent any time looking ahead, probably because I don't know where to start or what it's supposed to look like.
It's coming up on 3 years since the bomb went off and blew my world apart. I'm still picking up the pieces, I'm just not sure where they go. There's no junk drawer for this stuff.
In short, I moved in with a friend shortly after BD. H and I started "dating" and he asked me to move back in 4 months later. I did. Things were good for a while, but this was early MLC so of course it didn't last long. I ended up moving back home a few months later (1900 miles away). He flew down 2 weeks later begging me to come back. I did. Everything was wonderful, for about 7 months. I moved back home exactly a year after I left the second time. I know what you're probably thinking, I should never have left. To me, it was what I felt I needed to do. It was harder to be ignored than in was to be gone. We had always been very affectionate with each other, couldn't pass one another in the hall without some sort of contact. I felt sick to my stomach 24/7 and was losing weight rapidly (I was never heavy so it was becoming very noticeable).
I was a wreck when I left. I got another job and kept myself busy so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell. I stayed with my sister for nearly 3 months until I could get my own place. I got a nice condo on the beach, made new friends, and gradually pulled myself together.
I had to go back for my D's graduation last month. My H had been asking me to come visit him for a few days prior to the graduation and suggested we could then fly out there together (he is now in Texas, I'm in Florida, D was in Colorado). It had been 7 months since I'd seen him and I have to admit, I really missed him. I went and we spent a wonderful couple of days together. While I was there he told me he was sorry for "everything", that he loved/missed me, hopes we'll get back together one day, I'm his favorite person on earth, etc. I was a bit shocked, but it was good to hear it. I was secretly hoping I'd go there and feel nothing for him, but boy was I wrong.
Now he's back to being distant and I feel like I did when I first left. The weight I managed to gain back is gone and I just feel empty inside. When I initiate contact he pulls away, and when I don't he'll send a "good morning, hope you have an awesome day" text.
Oh yeah, I checked his email (yes, I was snooping, shame on me) and I found a Craigslist ad he posted a few days after I left. He was basically looking for companionship (and sex I'm sure). I was devastated. To think he'd rather spend time with a stranger than with me was like a knife through the heart. On the one hand I'm disgusted that he would sink to that level (to post an ad on freaking Craigslist), yet on the other hand I feel sorry for him, for the very same reason! It just screams desperation.
I don't talk to anyone about all of this because I'm tired of hearing "MLC? That's just a bs excuse", "you need to just forget him and move on", etc. It's hard enough trying to understand everything myself, and it's downright exhausting to try and get someone who isn't dealing with it to understand. While they all mean well, it just makes me clam up and retreat back into my own tunnel.
I know this is "touch and go" behavior, but it's still difficult to deal with. I "fell off the wagon" and let myself get my hopes up, forgetting that MLC makes them unreliable and fickle (or maybe I WANTED to forget for a moment).
He's also back to calling me "sweetie" when we do talk, and saying "MISS YOU" in his texts. I refuse to say I miss him, even though I do. I don't really know what to do at this point. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't know if I should just stop communicating all together or just not initiate contact from this point on. I'm also starting to wonder if I'd even want him back at this point. I've gotten quite used to being alone, it's not nearly as scary as I imagined (in fact, it's extremely peaceful once you get the hang of it).
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Listen to Cadet! It is the toughest thing you will ever go through but some of the vets have saved their marriage while others have transformed to be way better further spouses than ever possible. We are all hear limping along and not giving up. Looking forward to encouraging you .
Cadet. That is some amazing resources: lots of copying & pasting on this forum thread today. A hearty thanks!
Cadet. That is some amazing resources: lots of copying & pasting on this forum thread today. A hearty thanks!
Welcome rayzzz to the MLC forum.
I have been working on that post for a long time, so yup it has some good stuff in it.
Also unfortunately due to forum mechanics it cant be completely copied and pasted because all the links will not work for some strange ubb (forum provider) reason.
Anyways glad they are of use to you.
Thank you Cadet, that's quite a list. I've decided to go dark for now so I've got plenty of time for homework.
Wow, so much info to digest. I've read quite a bit already (Musings from AmyC was an eye opener, too bad there aren't more like that because it really helps to understand what our MLCrs are going through).
For the moment though, I'd like a little advice on what to do. My situation is a little different because our kids are grown so we don't have any real reason to talk on a regular basis, and we live in different states.
When I saw him last month he apologized "for everything, for destroying our marriage" several times and said he hopes we'll get back together one day. He left it at that and I didn't press for any specifics. One I got home he seemed to distance himself again. Then I stopped contacting him altogether and he started texting me again with "miss you" and "hope you're having an awesome day".
I feel like he's wanting to hold on to both his "freedom" and his wife at the same time. Doesn't that grow tiresome after a while? I'm not sure how to respond or react at this point. So for the time being I'm doing nothing. Should I admit I miss him too? Or would that just encourage the cake eating? If I don't reciprocate his feelings will he begin to think I don't care?
It's so confusing, I cycle between wanting to hold on and let this play out and wanting to just move on. I don't want to enter into another relationship until I know this one is over and we're divorced because to me it's still adultery on my part regardless of what is going on in my marriage, and he is in no hurry for a divorce (he totally avoids the subject).
How do you really know when the MLC has run its course? I don't want to be in the same place years from now only to realize it was over long ago and I just didn't know it.
My situation is a little different because our kids are grown so we don't have any real reason to talk on a regular basis, and we live in different states.
No your sich is not that much different than others, like mine for instance.
When I saw him last month he apologized "for everything, for destroying our marriage" several times and said he hopes we'll get back together one day. He left it at that and I didn't press for any specifics. One I got home he seemed to distance himself again. Then I stopped contacting him altogether and he started texting me again with "miss you" and "hope you're having an awesome day".
Sounds like more of the script TBH.
I feel like he's wanting to hold on to both his "freedom" and his wife at the same time. Doesn't that grow tiresome after a while? I'm not sure how to respond or react at this point. So for the time being I'm doing nothing.
Sounds like a good idea.
Should I admit I miss him too?
Or would that just encourage the cake eating?
If I don't reciprocate his feelings will he begin to think I don't care?
It's so confusing, I cycle between wanting to hold on and let this play out and wanting to just move on. I don't want to enter into another relationship until I know this one is over and we're divorced because to me it's still adultery on my part regardless of what is going on in my marriage, and he is in no hurry for a divorce (he totally avoids the subject).
There are no right or wrong answers for this.
You need to worry about yourself and not him.
So the right answer is to do things for YOU not to try to win him back.
How do you really know when the MLC has run its course?
I don't want to be in the same place years from now only to realize it was over long ago and I just didn't know it.
Your marriage was over at Bomb Drop.
Whether you can build a new one or not in the future is really the question.
Until the MLC is over - the ball is not in your court.
Take the love that you have - put it in a strong box and put the box up on a shelf in the closet.
Someday in the future you can pull it out dust it off and peek inside to see if it is still there, but not now.
You will know that MLC is over when their are consistant ACTIONS - not words that prove it to you.
It's so easy to forget the ABCs of MLC when they shine that ray of hope in your eyes. It can be blinding. You start to think "OMG! It's happening! The fog is lifting and he's realizing what he's done! He wants to fix it! Oh happy day!". You think the play is over, then you realize it was only intermission. Boy do you feel foolish; embarrassed even (like tripping in public, you want to look around and see if anyone saw you).
So, I'm packing up my love and storing it away. If there's ever a next time, I'll know better than to get my hopes up. I think the key to detaching is giving up hope and moving on. That may sound morbid but hope is what keeps you from dropping the rope. It keeps you hanging on.
I've given it to God and taken it back more times than I cant even remember. I'm giving it to Him for good now. I'll continue to say my marriage restoration prayer in the morning and at night, but that's all I'm going to invest of myself. It's probably all I need anyway. If it's meant to be, God will make a way.
I haven't called or texted H for a few days. As seems to be the pattern when I don't contact him, he texted me a picture of "the best bbq I've ever had in my life". We exchanged a few comments, very light and cherry. It just seems so freaking weird. All that's happened and IS happening, and he's sending me pics of bbq brisket (he knows I love brisket, but still). He seems so childlike in a lot of ways, it's very strange (once he sent me a picture of his lunch, another time of a house his company is providing and installing millwork for, and a picture of his face where a tree branch hit him while riding his bike). It's like he's away at camp and keeping "mom" up to date on his trip.
He wished me a "happy 4th of July" and as always, ended his texts with "miss you". Those two words used to get me excited, now, nothing. I guess that's "growth". Lol.
God sure has His hands full with this one.
Hi Lori65, welcome to the worst club to be in, but the best and safest place to be.
Just read your sitch and in MHO I think you have got what it takes to successfully get through this no matter which way it pans out. The ever vigilant Cadet has given you lots of tools to help guide you, and you will find so much support by everyone here once your thread gets exposure. So keep posting even if you think no one is looking/listening. They are a sneaky bunch, but once they get a hold of you hang on for some of the best life advice and support you will ever get anywhere. Peruse the Active Posts or specific Forum groups and post to others even if it's just a few words of encouragement or comparing notes. I'm certainly no vet, I am struggling, but I'm sure glad I have my DB friends here to help me through the rough days.
Here's what I think is your first,but certainly not your last hug! ((()))
Thanks for the welcoming T-boned, hugs back atcha!
Yes, I will post on here and on other threads. It's like therapy. I always feel better after reading other posts. Nobody wants to be here, I get that, but it's so comforting to know you're not alone and the advice and insight on here is priceless!
Thanks again for the welcoming. It means a lot
You're welcome. I hope you have a Happy 4th of July!
Hi Lori65,
I haven't had a chance to post on your thread, but I've been reading along.
What is mind-boggling is how many people are going through such similar situations, with similar reactions from friends and family.
They just assume that if there is infidelity, or one spouse files for divorce, the "best" thing is just to get it over with quickly.
I used to be one of those. I have since educated myself AND my well-meaning friends who pushed me to divorce him ASAP.
They now understand why I am taking my time FOR ME, while his "crazy-making" runs its course. Or not!
Sadly there are new posts here from desperate people every day, and these are only the handful that find their way to DBing.
I think of the thousands out there who aren't so lucky and they're just thrashing around in the dark.
So in that sense, you're lucky!
Yes, it stinks being here, there is a lot of pain, but also a lot of inspiration.
It ain't over 'til it's over!
---GG
Thanks GoatGal. It IS mind boggling, but what's sad is that there are a lot of LBSs out there who believe the things they're hearing because they don't know what's really happening. I know how I felt before a co-worker told me "sounds like your hubby is having a midlife crisis". Once I started researching it, saw the similarities, and began to understand what was happening, it actually made me happy! I can only liken it to the feeling a basketball player would get if they got the 3 point shot with zero seconds left on the clock, putting their team ahead and winning the championship at the very last second. No, I haven't won anything yet, apparently I have a lot of time left to "play", but I haven't lost either.
It DOES feel like a game a times, but it's good to know you have many "coaches" here who are willing to share their playbook with you.
I definitely feel lucky!!!
I checked his email again. He responded to a CL ad titled "Need A Real Man". In his response he mentioned all these things he likes to do, they were all the things WE used to do together. The woman who posted the ad is older than I am. I would think he'd search out someone younger if he's trying to FEEL younger, no? She also said "I'm just looking for someone loyal and honest". He is neither of those these days, does that even occur to him?
Before anyone grills me about being a snoop, I look at it like this: If he comes back and wants to work on our marriage, we're going to have to do a lot of repairing. I'll know if he's being honest with me about certain things because they will come up, and I'll know either way. Yeah, it's not exactly honest on my part either, but I never gave him a reason to doubt my honesty prior to the bomb drop, and if I know he's lying again I'll know it would be a mistake to take him back. I can forgive, but I need to be able to trust him again to do that. (The irony isn't lost on me, it just is what it is).
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but, I would suggest that you do not snoop. Lots of reasons, but basically it isn't a very nice thing to do, however justified you feel in doing it. We have to take the high road here, not to be 'better' but for our own sake, who we are and what sort of person we want to be.
Your reason for doing so is also based on a misunderstanding of MLC - they often totally forget many of the crazy things they did. So he may well have no clear memory of this, or many other things.
The less we know, the better. Much better to check our legal rights, and protect our assets. I am sorry to sound harsh, but the reality of MLC is tough.
Gosh, I completely forgot about the amnesia factor! Ok, now I feel kind of silly. You're right Beatrice, it's NOT a nice thing to do. I already knew that, but I figured my reasons justified it. I was wrong, and I thank you! (This is why these forums are so valuable).
He sent another text today. This time it was a pic of the place he got the brisket from yesterday. At first I thought "what makes him think I care about some bbq joint?". But after a while it made me smile. I should feel good knowing he still wants to share stuff with me, even if it's trivial, unimportant stuff. At least he's thinking of me, right?
Yeah, it's strange, but it could be a lot worse.
I will NOT be snooping anymore. I woke up this morning with no desire whatsoever to take a peek. I realize now that anything I find would be of no value anyway, so really, what's the point? (Thanks for pointing that out Beatrice, love you for that!)
H called me a few minutes ago after not having spoken to each other in several days (coincidence? I don't think so). We had a good conversation; nothing heavy (D got her laptop, he got a new bbq grill, work is going well, yada, yada, yada).
I didn't feel that sadness I usually feel after speaking with him. When the conversations are good I'd feel sad because I missed him, and when they weren't good I'd just feel sad. It probably had everything to do with the snooping, so yes, it's better for ME that I don't. I'm done with that!
Glad it helped. MLC is not fun that is for sure, but we do grow!!
Hi Lori- just read through your thread. I am glad you made the decision to stop snooping. Yes you have to take the moral high ground but really nothing comes of snooping but pain for you. I snoop and saw some things I wish I could unsee. Never again.
I think it is a certain type of LBS that ends up here. (Just my opinion) when bomb drops we all go searching for answers. There are some who take a magic pill approach others turn to resources to help them change in order to get their spouse back. Stoll others rush to D to "end the pain" or so they hope.
What I have seen from these boards is that the folks who end up here are the ones ready to do the hard work and look honestly at their lives and make changes for themselves. We become stronger, happier, better parents etc. It takes time and is a long process. For me, I first stood for my M out of desperation but now that I know myself better I have more legit reasons.
Sorry for babbling at you so early in the morning. Keep up the good work!
JulieGayle, Like everyone else I've been through the wringer as far as my emotions. I think because it's usually so sudden that it's a shock to the system and takes a good while to recover and come to grips with what's happening.
I'm finally at a place where I feel I've done all I can and I'm tired of feeling sad all the time. When I said I was giving it to God I meant it, and snooping isn't quite handing it over (silly me).
I've been reading more about marriage restoration and how God works to bring it to fruition, and it's given me a sense of peace I haven't felt until now. I KNOW God is working on him, He just needs more time. I've realized a lot about myself too, and it's not all good. So, while He's working on H, we're also working on me.
I feel happy and excited, for the first time in a LONG time. H sent me a text last night (WHILE I was praying) that said "you are an awesome person". I know that was God giving me a thumbs up!
Prayer works!!!
Here are some restoration stories I started with. They're awesome! Not all are MLC but they certainly give you an idea of the power you have at your disposal.
http://shalomrefuge.com/tkgm/MENURESTORED.htm