Hi all,
Coming here to vent and take any lashings or advice that one wants to offer.
I had a setback yesterday...not a setback for saving my marriage...a setback for me and my progress of moving forward with my life...a lot has happened, I should start from last week.
Shmoopie (from here on = STB-Ex) has been harassing and pushing my buttons for a week now.
Last week, the little support I was getting while Shmoopie is almost $14,000 in arrears stopped. In following up with the courts, Shmoopie was terminated from employment last month with no forwarding info on a new job, and he is not collecting unemployment which would be garnished. The courts originally wanted to schedule an enforcement hearing, but they want him bad and have decided to put in a "Notice to Appear in ten days". Meaning, if his highness doesn't go to court within ten days, then a bench warrant and license suspension will happen, and even if he does, it might happen anyway if he cannot comply with what is set forth in court that day.
Shmoopie also sent me an email on Thursday claiming he had to work on this upcoming weekend and wanted to switch. I told him NO as me and the boys had plans, including my son going to an amusement park all day Saturday for a field trip, but he was more than welcomed to pick up his kids for his "Father's Day" holiday. Shmoopie's response to this was to bring his girlfriend and her child to my house when he picked up our boys and verbally attack me in my driveway..."What do YOU have to do this weekend?, I HAVE TO WORK next weekend, you aren't being reasonable." I ignored him as much as possible and told him none of his business and re-iterated what I said in my email back to him.
Sunday, Father's Day...didn't come to pick up the kids because his "brakes were shot"...is this the same guy who wanted to have his kids all weekend? I guess he couldn't use his girlfriends car to pick up the kids like he has done in the past...I digress...
So the icing on the cake...last night he picked up the boys (with OW and her kid) for his visit and again, cornered me in my driveway by stepping in front of me and blocking me from walking past him. TELLING me that he is not picking up the kids this weekend (his weekend), he doesn't have the "money" I have to pay for a sitter, and how I am being inconvenient because I kept the kids away from him for five months and now I won't switch weekends with him.
The moment he blocked me from walking past him was when I lost it. I repeatedly told him how the kids are his responsibility and asked how did he think I did it when I worked...I pay for a sitter or find someone to watch my kids. Asked him why his "capable girlfriend" couldn't watch the kids, and told him that he needed to figure it out and stop relying on me. He yelled how I am wrong, and how I'm the one who kept his kids away for five months...I wanted to snap back (because clearly Shmoopie wants to play the victim, even though he has chosen to have other priorities than his kids for the third time since he has resumed his visits). But then the OW looked at me and started laughing and that's when my skin started to boil.
I went back in my house, grabbed my kids, and went to the PD to report a harassment complaint...I refuse to go through this every other day he picks up his kids. I could have gotten a TRO as the cop did say he (and OW) are definitely harassing me. Encouraged it actually, but I declined as I wanted it documented only...Shmoopie is in enough crap that I don't need to help dig his grave, but, if it escalates, I will do what I need to do to protect myself.
The take away to all this is that Shmoopie is clearly jealous of me, the chaos he wants to cause and the things he said about what I have and don't,...shows that he is INSANE. This man still thinks he has a right to OUR HOUSE and advised me he will do what he wants....that entitlement attitude...it never gets old. I can't wait until the judge tells him to bounce with what he took from home in December 2012 (that's when he left). Would you believe he said I harassed him AND OUR CHILDREN in OUR driveway...
I was angry and un-nerved yesterday, but I have to keep reminding myself that losers like him get theirs. I guess a year and a half later, still blaming me for everything...why can't he go away and leave. That's what he wanted, got it, and still feels he is entitled.
END VENT
No lashings from me...document everything and get something in place to stop this crazy nonsense. Have you given any thought to meeting him in a public place for pick up and drop off of the kids? Is there any way that the kids can meet him in the driveway and you stay in the home? Keep your phone on you at all times when he's around and be prepared to call 911 if he blocks you or does anything in a threatening way. Clearly he's not rational and I'm afraid he's going to harm you in some way.
He needs some down time in the local jail. It just might cool his jets. He's really walking on thin ice and he feels entitled as well as playing the victim game. As for the girlfriend...why is she riding along w/him to pick the kids up? Could this be his way of having a witness if something goes down between the two of you or possibly she's there to give him moral support for his crazy bs? Please be careful what you say or do in front of that woman.
I'm glad you didn't switch weekends. BTW, if he's terminated from his job, how is it he working this weekend? Is this a part time job that he's not paying taxes on, i.e., under the table deal?
I'm very sorry he's still acting out. Please be careful.
Hi BRNR,
Im my state and I think most now, not paying CS can get you thrown in jail! They take it very serious and if he is $14,000 in arrears he should be really careful what he says or does as he will find himself in jail with no money to get himself out. I find these WAS's who are the ones to walk out and destroy the M playing the "victim" disgusting. Sorry you must go through all this but protect yourself and be careful!
Thanks job and Matt165...all the above suggestions and recommendations have taken in and absorbed...most have been put into play or will be. My friends are checking on me daily...actually within minutes of pick up and drop off of the kids.
JOB-The safest public place is the police station and I have been advised that it may need to come to this although, I am concerned for the kids with that choice. As far as me staying in my home, that is what I do 95% of the time. It is moments when I am just getting home or he has gotten there early that he catches me outside and starts BS. I am afraid he is going to harm me too, that is why I made the complaint in the first place, to get everything documented. The girlfriend is being brought to the house to push my buttons and "moral" support because I am an "idiot" - (how she has referenced me to my kids in the past)...Shmoopie thinks it's okay to bring her because it is HIS house too...I'm biding my time on this one, because the next time BS starts with both of them, the cops will be called. He is showing an etreme jealousy over everything I have and do...IDK what to think of it, so I try not to. And I don't know about the job thing, but my attorney is notifying his attorney in regards and I have notified the courts...they can deal with him on that one.
Thanks Matt165 - It can happen here in Jersey too, but I don't have any experience with it and how often jail time happens. I know a couple people who have gone, but the percentage, no clue...all I hear are the horror stories of how support and how the whole system is broken.
I too find how Shmoopie plays the victim very disgusting...I'm tired of it, it's exhausting to hear from other people how he cries the blues and such.
I am trying to protect myself and my children, it's extremely hard, and right now, I feel a little worn down. I need a break from it all.
I am feeling a little weird the past couple of days...and I've nailed it down to the feeling of I miss my "old" H. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride for the past year and a half or so. And when I get too much time with my thoughts, this feeling comes over me. The why's and how's have not come, which leaves me feeling that this mess that was created was for nothing other than to appease shmoopie's most internal wants and desires. Although I don't see a gain on either side.
Shmoopie is on a mission to tear me apart, and I have done nothing but give him space and time and no interference for the type of life he wants to live...it's like he sees I am doing it on my own, and can't bear the thought of it.
I finally received a letter from my attorney that says Shmoopie is represented and will be filing the divorce. He also wants to reduce his support obligations due to him not working. I am a little upset about it...I mean the guy has avoided the obligations completely for a year and now wants to reduce it. i have no fight left in me to fight this battle and have chalked it up to it is what it is. I am more mad with the fact that he is "okay" not supporting his children and me even though we were there for him for 15 years of my life than I am about the divorce or the loss of income that I desperately need.
As I said before, I am worn down. Missing my H (the man he was), and missing the life I should have been living. I look at my boys and see my H in them everyday. It's hard to fight the feeling sometimes.
I will say, that I haven't felt this way for this long in a some time. So an improvement on my part with moving forward is definitely seen.
Nobody I know personally understands how I feel. They all know (including me) how he has done me dirty and they all feel I should be ecstatic that he is gone. And to some degree I am, because I couldn't live in the chaotic way he does. But deep down, that's not the man I knew and married.
I guess if I had one wish, it would be for Shmoopie to see what he has done and be remorseful for it all. Nothing will ever fix it, but it would be nice for him to just "wake the h3ll up" and see what he has done.
Hopefully I get out of my funk soon. It has caused me a few sleepless nights and has broken the peaceful state I was devoting myself too. I have so much worry and fear of the things that are about to come. And I find myself getting angry when others talk negatively about the sitch.
Gonna try to smile my way out of this one today. Hopefully these feelings will subside soon. I can't take this emotion into an interaction with him.
Hi BRNR,
It's OK to feel what your are right now. I too have those same feeling now that my W has left and filed. I too see my W in my D's. I too really miss the OLD W, my BF for 25 years. I gave her nothing but space, time and even support while she slept on the couch and did whatever she wanted. I didn't interfere in her life at all but that wasn't enough. I was STILL the problem, the reason she is so very unhappy. I stuck by her through years of depression, years of her just not being able to cope. Now all I hear is how I ruined everything, how every set back in our lives was MY fault.
I hear how I'm going to be "horrible' just like "everybody" said I would even though I haven't done a single thing to hurt her. I see her get jealous of my relationship with my D's. How she is now suddenly wanting to be a good mother when it was last on her list for years but just doesn't remember how.
I too seem to be alone in understanding how I feel. Yes, I get she has "done me dirty", I should be glad she is gone. They don't understand it's not the present "her" I miss but the "her" she used to be. The person I know is still in there, waiting to wake back up and see the mistakes she is making. I too want that more than anything. For her to see, really see all the damage she has done and is still doing not just to me but to the people who counted on her (kids) and still want to love her. By the time this happens I'm sure that I'll be long gone and moved on with my life. I still want it badly but I fear that by the time it happens it will no longer matter to me.
Don't worry BRNR, this too shall pass. Keep being the best person and mom you can be. Your H is on a mission to destroy himself and hates that you are refusing to go down with him. Stay strong and be careful. Protect yourself and the kids. You will come through this and be better for it!
Hi All,
So things have settled down since I last wrote. No contact with Shmoopie is getting me back to where I need to be again.
I've been making a lot of positive moves for me and my boys. Some things have or are coming together and other things plans are being put into place. Baby steps, and I am okay with that.
No word from my attorney regarding the follow up response to Shmoopie's attorney regarding the support issues, health insurance, divorce, etc....not sure that I care what that means really.
In talking with my best friend over the weekend I realized a lot about where I am in this journey...it only took a year and half...LOL! No but seriously, I have found that I am living my life the way I wanted to when Shmoopie was a part of my life. I have really likened everything to a death of my husband. I'm still right where I always wanted to be, he is just not included. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I am happy with it. I live in my home, have good friends, love my two sons, still with my job, and still have my dream car. LOL. I am managing everything independently. And I am proud of me for that. I guess I will go back and read the link for the stages of the LBS, because I am sure that now that I have gone through this I will be able to see myself in them a lot more.
(feel free to post the link if it is readily available to anyone).
I would love to know how Golfmom and Protia are doing? And I don't have a lot of time to read anymore, and only glance from time to time...hoping someone has a good MLC "Survival" Story (whatever that looks like).
I hope everyone is having a good day...when life gives you lemons...throw them at someone. LOL!!! Have a great day everyone.
I'm glad things have settled down for you and the boys. Maybe your Shmoopie will stay hidden for a while and give you a break for the rest of the summer.
Portia hasn't been around since May. Her father had some surgery in early May and from her last posting, she's been rather busy. I hope she'll return soon.
I haven't heard from Golfmom in quite a while. Again, I do hope she'll return and let us know how she and her children are doing as well.
Take care of yourself and give those boys a hug from all of us here. Enjoy your summer!
Thanks Job. I am glad things have settled to. I still have some moments in time wondering why the h3ll things have to be this way.
Thanks for the info on Portia and Golfmom. Wishing them well.
good to read your post - managing everything independently is empowering - I'm where you're at on that, moving forward with life the way I want to live it. It's kind of awesome. glad to hear you're doing well
Hello all,
It seems I am back at it again...
Shmoopie has been acting weird, and when I mean weird, I mean normal to some degree. This has happened for a few weeks now. This has put my guard up even more and has caused me to spin emotionally, because I can't stop wondering and reflecting on our marriage.
He has filed for the divorce a few weeks ago and when my attorney gave me word I wasn't bothered at all. It really did feel like a business transaction and had no emotional attachment.
I guess this all puts me emotionally on edge, because I am looking to the future ( and it doesn't include shmoopie) and have done things to progress my wants and needs in life. I even started a very casual, relaxed non-co dependent relationship with a guy who knows everything regarding Shmoopie and I.
Is this normal? I don't feel like I want my ex, but I feel like he is invading MY world a little bit. It really is a double edged sword, because this normalcy is what I feel is needed for us to co-parent our children, but I feel like something isn't quite right.
BRNR,
It is very normal to feel/react the way that you are, especially when you hear that he's filed for divorce. It makes you rethink/revisit what's transpired and even though you don't think you want him back, you were possibly still holding out a little hope that things would change.
He's acting strange because he knows he's filed and he didn't even let you know. It's called being sneaky and underhanded and he doesn't know how you will react to the news. They get weird when they do something that will have some fall out.
I think you need to sit quietly and the answers will come. He's not going to be able to contain himself for very long and will have to find out what you now about the divorce.
I'm very sorry that he's rocked your world a little bit.
Thanks Job...I'm not sure that I have hope. Too much water under that bridge. But
Sorry, I hit submit by accident....
As I was saying Job, I don't think that I have any hope, but suspicion that this may be the quiet before the storm. But you did confirm what I was thinking...sit quiet and wait for everything to reveal itself. I'm at a good place, and am not waiting to go through any craziness...
I'll keep everyone posted of what's to come
keep your eyes and ears open because when they act like a bunch of squirrels, that's when your radar will need to be fine tuned.
I do think you are going to hear more about the situation in the next week because he's not going to be able to sit on the sidelines too long w/o testing the waters w/you.
Do try to enjoy your weekend.
Spending my weekend with relatives over in the next state...NYC touristing tomorrow with my boys and Aunt...I can't wait.
Hi all!!!
So, I've been battling a lot lately and have been on my own personal roller coaster. As I said in prior, Shmoopie filed for divorce...the lies that were included in the complaint were outrageous and I have been doing a lot of work emotionally and physically to overcome them. We were supposed to go to court this upcoming Friday, but my attorney had it postponed for a few more weeks so we can get all the pertinent information together.
I am happy that I have a few good friends by my side to combat and confirm my thoughts and emotions. A lot can be said for the friends that have taken this journey with me.
In gathering the information for the divorce a lot of old feelings came back when reading old emails and text exchanges...at times I felt like throwing up because the things that were said by Shmoopie were just downright evil and untrue.
What I can say, is that my life is not what a thought it would be...I miss my pre-BD ex something terrible and I know in my heart that I loved that man with all his flaws...and there were a lot.
To everyone who is dealing with thier own monsters (both externally and internally) know that life goes on...it may be better or it may be worse, but it does go on.
My Shmoopie has settled down, but he is also disappearing on his children...I guess that is to be expected. I have NO idea where he is on his journey...with the little knowledge I have about his troubles and knowing how much of a struggle I have had with things emotionally and physically since our split, I can't help but think it isn't as good of a picture as he would like to paint.
OW, I still think about her sometimes...I am mad at her and I feel sorry for her. To aide in the destruction of a family for her own selfish needs...SMH!!! I hope she grows up and gets what she deserves in the long run...I don't know what that is, but I hope it is some kind of hell.
Had a deep conversation about "settling" with I guy I care about. We both know there are things we want and don't want from our relationships in the future... whether that be with each other or not. He is such a special guy who I adore...
I guess I just wanted to pop in and say Hi while I had the chance. School is starting for my boys and the whole month of August was consumed with my kids activities with no end in sight Until the new year...hope all is well with everyone.
I miss the talks and the lashings...I wish I had more time to sit on the boards and talk with you all. I am going to try and catch up on some of the other postings.
Talk to all of you soon.
BRNR,
I'm glad you returned today. Gathering info for the divorce is no picnic. It does take an emotional toll on you because it will bring back many old memories and thoughts as you move along. Once the divorce is finalized, I can promise you that a huge weigh will be lifted off your shoulders. You may be surprised just how heavy that weight has been. Give yourself time to heal and get your footing once again.
Our children went back to school August 20th and it's been a whirlwind of activities for them. So, I do understand what you are dealing w/when it comes to getting the children ready and back in school.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Be kind to yourself as you move along the divorce path. You are going to have ups and downs for a while from the coaster ride of emotions. Feel the pain and anger and then let it go. Your new life is right around the corner and hopefully your "old" Shmoopie will shuffle off into a dark hole to grow up all by his lonesome.
Checking in....
I read some of the boards last week and noticed all my people are gone...and unfortuneatly a whole new crowd is around. Sorry newbies!
Well, a message to all the newbies...going through this experience will change you. I reflect back to things at bomb drop and now and WOW! I amaze me in new ways every day.
So an update on the non-sitch...
Shmoopie is still on the hamster wheel i feel sorry for him in so many ways. I hope he learns about life soon...
Shmoopie took me to court interim of the divorce to have a judge force the sale of our home (which I have maintained and lived in) and reduce his support. Judge said basically No...a week later his attorney is asking my attorney if I will concede to eliminating the order and his responsibilities?!?! Uh NO. This made me laugh...what kind of a lawyer does he have?
OW was introduced to the family at a funeral...my source says it did not go well and she was shunned for the most part.
Kids ...they are growing and learning in this process...their relationship with Shmoopie is bad and OW is still being forced on them...They each have thier own way to cope...my oldest keeps himself busy while the little one just expresses his emotions.
Me...I am doing great emotionally. I feel strong enough to deal with any obstacle that comes my way. Work is better, my relationships with my friends have improved and my dating life is progressing nice and slowly.
All in all, I feel life is moving along really fast and there are days where I wonder where time has gone...BIG differnece from how things were around BD.
Just stay positive people and keep on moving forward....
Updating...Its been a while...
So things are getting better for me. I am going through this divorce process pretty well. I am okay with it and while it is never what I expected it is okay.
Shmoopie is still running around on that hamster wheel we talk about...in fact the blame game has gotten even worse than it was in the beginning.
From my perspective Shmoopie is reaching for something to gain leverage on his side. His latest and greatest is how bad of a mom I am...This coming from the guy who still doesn't come and get his kids during all of his parenting time nor calls them on a regular basis.
I also see that his line of verbal attacks always question what I am doing in my life and with whom...his last email made it very clear that I need to be focused on the kids and not my social life. Funny thing is, I am focused on the kids, I guess just not the way Shmoopie wanted it to be...oh well.
I wanted to say thanks to Job, Portia, GolfMom, AJM, and the many others that helped me along in this journey. I am still growing and still learning, but I am in a good place.
I've learned patience, tolerance, indifference, listening, and have gained so many friends and insight into relationships.
I've also learned that I was very rigid, very frustrated, and very stressed in my married life. It is very freeing to live a life with only my own rules to live by, only my own expectations of myself to live up to.
So my most recent learning experience...that this is also a process for my children too! One of the final ropes I need to let go of.
Most recently, Shmoopie started some drama that I am happy to say that I didn't let him suck me into...the problem was that he created this "show" for the kids and it had my 15 YO son questioning me. The manipulation of our kids is downright awful.
So my son comes to me and starts questioning why I won't "effectively communicate" with thier father. Well one, those words come from Shmoopie often in his emails, and two, it was none of my sons business what, when, why, and how I communicate with thier father. Which is pretty much what I conveyed at the start. So my son pushed, and got answers (with supporting proof) he wasn't expecting. He changed his tune after that and while it didn't equate to an "I'm sorry Mom", his actions displayed it.
Thing is, I have prided myself on keeping my kids out of all this non sense, and yet Shmoopie drags them in it by saying I don't communicate with him and tells them lies and excuses. (Um excuse me, am I Shmoopie's secretary?) My son had a hard time grasping this concept, but I had to be firm and explain to him that after the first year (after BD) of reporting to thier father about everything and getting either no response or a verbal beatdown, I have decided not to include him in the on goings of what's going on with his kids. Besides, I feel my kids are old enough to communicate with thier father on thier own (15 and 11).
So I guess I am just wondering how my kids will cope and survive. Both my boys are at ages where they are going through thier own stuff...just the other day my oldest told me about his fears of getting older and responsibilities of getting a job and driving and bills. He is a smart kid and wants to be proactive and learn some "life skills" now before it is thrust upon him....I love that kid. Eh hem, sorry young man as he likes me to refer to him as. But I guess all in all I am using some DB skills learned to let my oldest forge his own path in his life, but have let him know that I am there for him if he wants me to be.
Always a learning process...
So, I am having a little bit of a down day...I guess simply put. My patience is running really thin with the stbx.
All the court orders in the world and he can't comply with any of them, meanwhile I feel like I am a hostage (not to him perse, but to our old life as finacially I can't change anything until we go through settlement). And he is in arrears for $13,000 and won't pay. While I am not surprised, I just wish I had that money to be able to take care of me and my boys....especially when he adds to my responsibilities physically by not getting our kids on his parenting schedule either (more money goes out the window that I don't have also).
We are going through the divorce stuff and all he wants to do is take, take, take...which is not being granted by the courts (thankfully!). But what he is suppose to give is very much needed.
But now I am struggling to make ends meet, and with no way out as he won't comply and the courts don't do anything to enforce anything.
I guess I am just feeling worn down and I know this is exactly what stbx wants.
On another note, I have had very fleeting moments of missing the old man he was..and I hate to say that I am saddened that he turned out to be such a deadbeat and low-life.
I guess I just needed to vent...I vaguely remember GolfMom going through some of this and wish she was still on here to give me some advice and/or support.
I guess I am having a moment...where I am struggling to remember that all my efforts have been the right thing to do and will lead me out of this "whole and clean." I guess just after two years and the bills surmounting and wanting an end this journey has just me wondering what I can do and where do I go from here?
I can't change my ex, but I can change me...I just don't know what I can do or am just so worn down that all I have done has gotten me NO where...
When does it get better, when does all this end? And two years later, sitting quietly and patiently hasn't given me answers I believe...if anything it has excaserbated the sitch to all new levels of low-down ruthless tactics by the ex and him thumbing his nose up at the courts. And let me not start on his attorney who will process all kinds of paperwork to get an order against me but not push her client to comply with his court orders. Sounds very idiotic to me.
Guess I am having a stressful day...thanks for reading if you have.
Sincerley - "Worn Out BRNR"
-Oh, and on another note I heard that a family friend had something really bad happen to her and I guess I can feel her hurt, pain, and fear her future struggles. This is probably wearing me down some too as her and her family are the best people I know and I can't believe what is happening!
I'm sorry things aren't getting any better, but the mlcer feels entitled and will take and take and take w/o giving in return. They are selfish individuals while in crisis. Is there any way to garnish his wages or thinking ahead, his tax return, if he gets one?
Your lawyer should be able to come up w/an idea or two on how to get you some monetary relief.
It gets better once the dust settles after the divorce. It took me about 6 months to land firmly back on solid ground after the divorce and yes, my xh to this day, stills asks for things that were not addressed during the negotiations or in the decree. My answer has remained a firm no on all requests. After all, next month it will be 15 years when he walked out...surely he could afford to purchase some of the things he's requested by now. LOL!
Hang in there. It will get better in time, but you've got to go through this ring of fire to get to the other side.
BRNR,
Just wanted to add my sympathy for your situation.
I know what you are going through and I understand how low this sort of stuff makes you feel.
It's so unfair; there seems to be little that you can do to stop the selfish ways of the mlc-er.
They just don't care about anyone apart from themselves.
I don't want to hijack your thread, so won't give specifics here, but I'll post about similar things my X is doing after 3 &1/2 yrs... I feel like it never stops with these guys.
Maybe we need to read some more Pema?
Best NLW
Sorry to hear BRNR. It is hard burdening the costs and you're not alone. The lack of help is so unlike the people they used to be when family and kids were their life but like job said they only think about what they want. Keep your chin up and trust God's plan. It's hard I know but I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support.
Job-garnishments are put in place, but every time they start he quits his job. As far as his taxes, well, he hasn't filed 2013's yet, so I imagine he is going to avoid the tax man too!
I am going to see my attorney today to see if we can find a solution, but like I said $13,000 is a lot of money that I need and paying an attorney is getting costly too. I know others have been there and I am not special, but I guess I am just feeling the pressures right now is all.
NLW & whytry- Thank you for your support. It helps to have a "friend" who has been there and won't judge.
NLW-I will look up your threads.
Job, in your opinion, have you seen these sitches right themselves after the MLC'er settles, irregardless of the saved marriage? I mean do deadbeats turn around and support their kids at least at some point (financially, emotionally, and physically)?
Hi B,
I just wanted to lend my support. I have one of those deadbeat
MLC-ers too and the burden of the financial stuff is so straining. I completely relate, especially with the holidays coming.
This too shall pass.
Hang in...lots of hugs to you,
Heather
BRNR,
To answer your question as honestly as I can. I have seen very few that will right themselves once the mlcer settles down. That is not to say that once they wake up, that they won't try to make amends. It all depends on the mlcer, whether he/she resolves their issues and where the family is at the time the mlcer wakes up. The family may have moved on, cut their losses and do not want to have much, if anything to do w/the lost soul who has come knocking at the door years later.
Time will tell what your mlcer will do, but right now, there has to be a way to get some financial support from him.
Thanks Lois and Job...
I reflected on my own question over the weekend...thanks Job for the honesty. I think I kinda already knew in my heart the answer. Honestly it is something I have struggled with...the knowledge of a darn good father going out the window along with my marriage. STB-ex is holding onto the kids by a thin strand, but it is ready to snap as his lies are coming full circle.
As far as financial support, I am trying, but he is running from this obligation to stick it to me. It's "HIS" money Job, and always has been his answer since he left. He even went so far as to spend his entire retirement account before an order could be put in to prevent it. Now he refuses to give an accounting of that as per COURT order. Whatever the law says, he snubs his nose at. It doesn't matter...
Would you like for me to contact GolfMom and see if she'll review your situation for you since both of you have similar experiences w/your spouses and finances?
Thanks Job. No need to Contact Golfmom...if she is/was going through what I am, then I know how frustrating and stressful that sitch can be alone. And if Golfmom is still going through it, and you do talk to her at some point, tell her that I am thinking about her and her kids and will be sending prayers her way.
BRNR
Okay. The offer is there at any time. I will probably be in contact w/her during the holiday season and I will be happy to pass on your thoughts and prayers.
BRNR,
Just wanted to say again that I'm in a very similar sitch and I really feel for what you are going through. Just one small for instance:
My H was ordered by the judge during settlement to lodge his tax returns so that we could ascertain what his income was.
I thought I had finally gotten somewhere after years of trying to make him produce some relevant info.
XH simply ignored the judge. I imagined he would have been in contempt or something... but nothing happened.
In the end he simply withdrew from the process rather than lodge his tax returns. I was left trying to run an uncontested case - which I thought would be good for me, but it turned out to be harder and more expensive to argue than a normal case which is argued by 2 spouses.
XH had won again.
It's so weird, I agree with you that the caring dad and loving husband they once were shows no skerrick of resemblance to the devious obligation-voider that we have been left with in mlc.
It's so weird, I agree with you that the caring dad and loving husband they once were shows no skerrick of resemblance to the devious obligation-voider that we have been left with in mlc.
It's not weird..it's sad for our kids. I feel for my boys and has been more of the pain I have felt during my journey. I can understand my stb-ex handing out terror left and right on me...an adult, one he wants to blame for everything, but his kids...smh! And what hurts more is that the people he will sorta listen to (maybe-idk) his mother, OW, her family, don't even seem to care and in fact condone and encourage it...bunch of enablers!
Oh, and again, NLW, I am sorry you are part of the "club". It is a hard one to be involved in and I am sorry for all the crap you have to go through.
And what hurts more is that the people he will sorta listen to (maybe-idk) his mother, OW, her family, don't even seem to care and in fact condone and encourage it...bunch of enablers!
Oh, but the stories they tell such people - I can only imagine...
But what we do know is that they have become (or maybe always were) masters at lying and avoidance. You would think that their mothers might recognise this if no-one else... but then again, we, as wives, didn't.
It's hard not to feel resentment towards the in-laws however, when they, too, pretty much abandon their grandkids.
Oh I know it. My in-laws haven't reached out to my kids at all...but I'm the "bad guy" there too! It's all my fault they don't see them. Never mind that they don't see my ex, but somehow I keep my kids away too. I've missed family get together a and funerals and such because of all this, but blood is thicker than water and everything the ex does/did is justified to them. But I'm not angry about it. In the end they (in-laws) are missing out on my awesome boys.
Hi everyone...Happy Holiday's!!!!
First and foremost, I wanted to say that no matter where everyone is on this journey, please, please find something positive this holiday season and enjoy it. For me that's my children and my family and friends that have been right by my side with every twist and turn!
An update on the sitch...my STB-EX's journey has continued to follow the MLC script. Almost exactly two years later his relationship with OW has ended. He has been living with his mother for about a month now and his life has been spiraling out of control...legal issues, law enforcement issues, and money problems. I really, truly feel sorrow for him and hope that he can put his life together for our amazing boys.
My divorce seems to be taking forever, a lot of non-compliance on the ex's part and now it seems he is trying to get everything he left behind...the house, the kids, my car, etc. The support is starting to come in, which is really just paying my legal fees, so not much relief or help there to support our children and mutual debt that was he decided was solely my responsibility when he left.
My kids are going through a rough patch of emotions it seems...now that there Dad is done with I guess "Replay" I think that they think things will return to "normal". I know better and i just remain positive that they will come out of this with an understanding of some of life's hardest lessons and that in adulthood they will be better for it.
Me, I am doing very well. I am finding my happiness and joy in life. The holidays this year contribute big to that and what I thought would be a depressing time has turned into one of the best I have had in a very long time. Everything has progressed forward sooo much!!! Something I couldn't see ever happening just two years ago, but I am sooo thankful and appreciative of everything in my life.
Well, I just wanted to touch base and say Happy Holiday's to everyone!!!
Happy Holidays to you too!
Your stb-xh is definitely going to have some serious withdrawal symptoms for a while. Many mlcers break up and make up, so let's see what transpires in the months ahead. Until he hits the major depression/withdrawal from everything, he's not out of replay. I will add a prayer to my list that he can navigate his way through the depression and withdrawal and hopefully come out the other side and grow up and be there for his sons.
I'm sorry the divorce is taking a slow train up the mountain, but it sounds like your h is the one dragging it out w/the noncompliance issues. Hopefully the new year will be better for you and your sons and the divorce will finally go thru and you can move on w/your life w/o this hanging over your head.
I'm sorry the kids are hitting a rough patch and I hope that they will be in a better place in January. The holidays tend to create some real emotional rollercoasters for the children as well. They see their friends w/family or they see their friends w/one parent and then the other and yet, there father is out to lunch. It's hurts and it's disappointing to them. They feel like they are being punished and want it all to go away and things return to normal. Unfortunately, normal may or not return in years to come. By then, the bridges are torn down and it will be up to your h to either build new ones or forever be cast aside by the kids.
I'm glad that you are doing well. BRNR, it takes time to begin the healing process and it appears that you are healing nicely. Enjoy the time you spend w/your children, for they grow up fast.
BTW, I have been in touch w/Golfmom. She and her children are doing okay. She still has some issues that she's working out concerning her xh.
May you and your family have a happy and blessed holiday season. May the new year bring you peace, happiness and your finalized divorce decree.
Merry Christmas to all!
Hello all...I just have to put this out there because it has been bothering me all morning. for starters, I know I haven't posted in a while...I've been busy with work and my boys, so no time for anything at the moment.
Anyhoo...dreams. I had a strange one last night. My ex appeared in it, and honestly, he hasn't appeared in my dreams for about two years...shortly after BD I stopped dreaming and about a year ago I was able to, but never about my ex.
Anyway..the dream was odd...I was invited (? or at least welcomed) to a gathering where my ex's family was. My ex was there, and while we didn't interact, he was clearly on drugs or something and looked really much zombie-ish. Ex's family was like "yeah, this is who is...always on drugs, and can't get his act together". It was so odd.
I didn't say or do anything in the dream other than to observe him and feel sorry for him, but sorry in a compassionate sort of familial love way.
I just want to jot it down while it was still fresh. I am a firm believer our dreams mean something...when and if I have time later, I am going to delve deeper into this.
In the meantime, anyone have an opinion or reflection about this?
Could Valentine's Day be a holiday that you have been thinking about? Holidays and anniversaries tend to remind us of our MLCing spouses and you may not even realize you are until you are asleep and your subconscious takes over.
Then again the man upstairs has a way of showing us things and maybe your dream was to open a small window so that you could see some of his struggles and show him some compassion.
Thanks job. What's bothering more than anything is that I feel like I need to ask him (or someone he is close to) if he is okay. And I can't shake that feeling...I know it is not right to ask, but I'm wrestling with the idea.
So just an update -
I did nothing about my feelings regarding my dream and went through the longings trying to understand why I felt the way I did. Fortunately, life got really busy and I forgot it ever happened...until I just caught up on my own post. LOL
Well, STB-Ex has been reasonable and slightly communicative since his break up from OW. No name calling, no arguing, and no demeaning. Just text here and there regarding the kids, which he seems to be re-building his relationship with. He has also (twice now) been open to taking care of/visiting with the kids not on his parenting time. Some other good things like him paying support instead of avoiding it and he just contacted me a week ago regarding the kids being added to his health insurance.
This has been an easy three months for me...PEACE! I really do hope that things can continue on like this, but I have no expectations.
I am finalizing my "ducks" for the divorce...MESP hearing is set for April. I am hoping that will be the day.
Everything feels bitter sweet right now. Happy/Sad for the End. I can honestly say that I do love my Ex, but I could never be with him again. I hope that our divorce brings about peace for him too. I hope he finds his way in his life. And I hope that one day we can be in each others lives as two people who knew each other a long time ago...friends.
So that's about it for the update, life has been going on...I've been busy with my job, my friends, my family, and...dating.
Life is good, other than this dreaded white stuff (snow0 that keeps falling by the truck loads in our area. I can't wait for SPRING!!!!
I hope and pray that things will continue on in a peaceful manner for you and your children. I do know how you feel about everything feeling bitter sweet right now. It's sad to think about what they threw away in their quest for that "illusive" happiness. So, sad.
I'm glad to see that you are keeping busy and yes, spring is right around the corner! I think Mother Nature is ready for spring to come too!
Hi all! I know it has been a long time for me and honestly I am just here to vent, but more than welcome any comments.
My divorce was finalized a few weeks ago! What I thought would finally put me into the next chapter in my life has been not going so well...allow me to explain
MLC antics had subsided for the most part, but reared it's ugly head on the day of our divorce, even in the court room. Since then, i have been verbally assaulted twice, my kids have been turned against me, and the last and final straw that has me SOOOOO angry...my EX H keyed my car.
I've had enough...I'm pressing charges for the damage to my vehicle and have received a temporary restraining order. I guess I am sooo mad because I don't believe either of these is going to bring about justice and I feel he is going to get away with yet again another stab at me.
I am sick and tired of living in this nightmare. I'm angry because of how I have been mistreated. I am angry because I deserve soooo much more than this.
Did I mention I'm angry today! Why did things have to go this far. I know we all make our own choices, but I feel I was pushed into mine for the past 2.5 years.
I know I will get through this some how, I'm just feeling down right angry right now!
I'm so sorry to hear that things are still quite stressful for you. No, the divorce won't be the end of it for quite some time, if ever. You have children together and no matter what you do, you will still have some connection because of graduations, marriages, grandchildren etc.
If your xh is anything like my xh, it will take 2-3 years, if then, for him to settle down and his focus will be on the ow or on something else. He's angry because nothing is turning out the way he thought it would. He's angry because you are going on w/your life and he no longer has control over you.
You've pressed charges against him for the damage to your car. Are sure he did it? He may have manipulated one of the kids to do it for him as a way of getting back at you. Now, about the restraining order...it's only a piece of paper and it may push him to go to another level of being nasty. Sometimes when we file for one, it just stirs the pot even more. Since he's acting like a bull in a china closet, you will need to watch your back. I'm not trying to scare you, but point out just how angry these crisis people can get and when they can't get their way, they can do some pretty nasty stuff.
As for the children, I'm so sorry to read that they've turned against you...but in time, that may change. All you can do is let them go and figure things out for themselves. I do hope and pray that they will see the light and come to realize that you were there for them and that their father is the one that went off the rails.
BRNR, it's okay to be angry, let it out. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back because you've been a lady showing dignity and grace throughout all of this and he's still looking like an @sshole after all of this time.
Again, I am so sorry to read what he's done. Please, please take care of yourself and be careful when dealing w/him.
I assumed he's turned the kids on you by blaming the divorce on you, or by claiming you won too much money in the divorce?
It's not unusual for the kids to blame the more competent parent - after all, why couldn't you "fix it" like you do everything else? Even though my kids knew my ex cheated on me, and HE was the one that wanted the divorce, I think my middle child blamed me for a long time, for not keeping her dad "happy".
Now that they're older, and they've all had more time to see their dad's true colors, they all realize that nothing I did could have prevented the divorce, and they know know who has their back in a crisis (mom)
As for the restraining order - I think you were wise to get it, to show him you mean business. BUT - in a truly abusive situation, it does NOT protect you from physical harm. IF the police arrive before he can harm you, it ensures that they will cart him off for violating the order. But many many women have been killed by abusive partners while clutching their restraining orders in their hands and waiting for the police to arrive. See it for what it is - a tool - but DON'T rely on it to save you if you feel unsafe.
Job is always so level headed and cool. BRNR please heed the advice and be careful. Sending you my support as you deal with things right now.
Thanks ladies for reading and commenting on the update...
I agree with all of you that the restraining order is not going to be my saving grace. KML, you are spot on why I went for it...
As for the restraining order - I think you were wise to get it, to show him you mean business.
For sooo long I have allowed this crap to go on, in front of our children and at my home that I could no longer passively sit back and deal. Maybe he will get the message, maybe not.
Again KML....BINGO!!!!
I assumed he's turned the kids on you by blaming the divorce on you, or by claiming you won too much money in the divorce?
He doesn't realize that he went into very substantial arrears by avoiding for over a year and half. I struggled...I even had to borrow money from friends, had people feed me and my kids because I couldn't afford food. Now he wants to cry woe is me "I have no money" and threaten to take the kids away I am assuming to get out of his financial obligations.
I know this will never end because we do have kids together, but I had hoped we could have avoided all this drama. On another note, I am not angry anymore...these things are just becoming more loose ends that need to be tied up nowadays.
Stay the course. Hopefully once all of the loose ends are tied up over the keyed car and the verbal abuse in front of your kids, things will settle down.
Your kids will eventually see him for what he is. It all takes time and you know what? At the end of the day, they will come to understand who was there for them. You are the one that stayed and fought the battle to try to save your marriage and you certainly weren't the one that ran away and tried to avoid your responsibilities. Right now, he's playing the victim role, but soon...it will get old.
Please take care of yourself. Watch your back and hopefully all of this will die down soon. Again, I am so sorry that this is still going on. Hopefully, he'll go away and stay away for a long time.
Hello all! I've been quiet for a while, living my life and enjoying what I have been blessed with, but the drama....it never ends...
MY Ex MLC'er (who may not be in MLC, and just a certifiable psychopath) has decided to fight for custody of my kids. Full legal and physical custody, with no visitation. The alienation he has done over the years has finally stuck with my boys and they want nothing to do with me. I haven't talked to my boys for about a month, and I have decided to get off this roller coaster of CHAOS, and let my ex have residential custody of the children.
It's a sad day, and I am heartbroken, but I have nothing left in me to continue to fight. I am hoping that once he has our boys, that he grows up and becomes the man my boys need. I am also hopeful that I can finally "cut the ties that bind" and will not have to endure anymore crappola.
I am very, very sorry to hear about your situation.
Well, if he thinks he can manage to be a father to his children, then so be it...but there will come a time when your sons are going to want a relationship w/their mother. Sometimes, children have to live w/the runaway spouse for a while to actually get a taste of what life is like w/him/her.
You've done everything you can and yes, it's now time to get off the coaster and allow them to live together on a full time basis. However, there is one question that comes to mind...are you going to have to pay child support to him?
Unfortunately, and I hope that I am wrong, but I don't think he's going to be the type to leave you alone for long. He thrives on the drama. As for your sons, I do hope and pray that they don't follow in his foot steps and carry that anger around w/them full time.
I am going to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Continue to watch your back. I don't trust any of them right now.
job - I will probably have to pay child support. And while it will be a struggle, it will pale in comparison with what I have been going through.
I have always wanted my boys to have a relationship with their father, and I am most upset that I have been cut out so they can do that.
But Job, I am truly done. My boys will have to figure out where they go from here.
And Job, I hope you are wrong and that everyone can move on from this in the best way possible.
Thank you for the prayers. It means a lot.
I truly hope that I'm wrong too. I don't want to see anyone have to deal w/this type of drama on a daily basis for years and years.
Please take care of yourself.
Wow - what a jerk!
Can't help but think that his main motivation is financial. However, it's worth keeping in mind that teenage boys often want to live with their father anyway - it's an important father-son bonding time. The best you can do is keep a clear path home. I would fight for some visitation though, just to enable you to keep in touch and make sure they are not suffering at their father's hands.
I've seen this happen to some other women here on the boards, usually it takes a while but eventually the kids find their way back to you. Your ex won't be able to keep up the facade with them forever.
Yeah KML - what a miserable spiteful man he is.
I am asking for joint legal and physical custody and visitation.
I too believe this is motivated by money, but what I think all child support paying parents believe is they PAY for thier kids 100%. Do they not realize that child support doesn't put a dent in children expenses and we still have to come up with other means of paying for things. Ugh! But I digress.
I am sorry to hear that this has happened to other parents on this board. We have all been through enough. And I do hope one day my boys find their way back to me!
So now I'm following all the things I learned DB'ing. Patience is the only way I am going to make it through and I have learned and practiced a lot of.
Meanwhile, my dear - living well is the best revenge. What fantabulous plans are you making for your new life???
I have nothing left in me to continue to fight
I doubt that.
Hi BRNR. Long time.
It's the rare state that grants sole custody of children. It really takes a lot to do that.
I agree with KML that teenage boys typically need their dad. That's a short period of time (a few years maybe) before they come back to their mom. Girls tend to be the opposite.
Remember that you are there for them and not the other way around. But also remember that states rarely just give custody to one parent. It's always what the state deems the best interest of the children (most cases) meaning the other parent has to prove that it is in the best interest of the kids.
Personally, I wouldn't grant that to him. Rather, leave the door open to the boys to come back. Fight for them to be there even if the first few months are hell on earth. They are teens and don't really know the bigger picture. They'll calm down but they should know their mom fought for them. That is important if you can manage it.
If it helps, I was harassed by my ex and later by OM for years. My daughter barely speaks to me right now, although appears to be thawing 4 years later. I fought, but not all of it publicly so my daughter could see it. My son has always been here in the house.
It's worth it, BRNR. Find the strength.
AJ
Meanwhile, my dear - living well is the best revenge. What fantabulous plans are you making for your new life???
LOL. KML - I like your attitude! I have been living a fantabulous life already. But I do have future plans...
- I have been in a relationship for about two years. Me and my beau live in separate households, and don't get to spend that much time together alone. He has two kids as well as do I. So me and my Beau are planning a nice week long getaway
- My Best girlfriend is going through her own divorce and she has one child. I have been helping her along and her and I have been spending more time together doing girlie things.
- I am working on writing my book again, and now that I have more time available I am hoping to be able to get it done. hopefully I can become a published author one day
- DIY house renovations...I plan to make my home less "my family" and more me. And I actually like doing this type of stuff. It gets my creative juices flowing.
- Spending more time working out is a goal. I started running 2-3 times a week, then this happened and I haven't gotten back out there.
- And overall just spending more time doing adult stuff. Show my sexy side, explore things I haven't been able to do, spend more time with my good friends, see more of my extended family, do another minor makeover on me (inside and out).
- Get a doggie
This is where I am starting...and I am excited about all of it!!!!
They'll calm down but they should know their mom fought for them
AJM- Hiya!
I am fighting for my boys...maybe just not out in the open. I have held my head high and tried to communicate with my boys, but it hasn't been reciprocated. I will continue to try. I also feel at this time, they need to experience life with their dad. I feel they need this opportunity to figure things out for themselves. I will always be here for them, but I also know that I can't control them (nor do I want to). I feel if I stop this, it will lead to resentment that they never got the opportunity to do this.
My oldest will be 17 in March and is on the verge of becoming an adult. I believe he NEEDS this, meaning to be able to make his own choices. He needs to see how no matter what choices he makes he will learn something from them, either negative or positive. He needs to deal with those consequences. If I don't do it with him now, in a few years I would either have a) an adult dependent on me for everything b) or have an adult just going through this learning process. I love my son, but he has picked up some bad habits from my exH. I've showed my boys love, hard work, responsibility, doing the best you can, morals, values, fun, family, friends. They now need to see another life and hopefully gain something from both to be able to create a new one for themselves into adult hood.
Now my youngest is another story, he is 12, but has been dragged along for the rollercoaster ride. He is much more like my exH and always has been. He may be too young to learn the same lessons as my oldest, but maybe some things will stick since he has always been a fan of his older brother.
So, my focus is me. And only ME for a change!!! As job has said a million times "they will either figure it out or they won't" Honestly, I am applying the same DB'ing principles I have learned and using what applies towards my children.
I wasn't able to save my marriage way back when (which I am very thankful never happened BTW), but maybe I can save my relationship with my children!
Hi BRNR
Sounds like you have some good plans set
Im also sorry to hear about your boys
I think a consistent attitude of love and acceptance will always help them
Its a hard road dealing with MLC and all it brings
but I also believe in Karma
and by doing the right things and letting go of what seems impossible
new doors open..old doors close and we will be truly guided
Good luck
Peace
Thanks Peace!
My mind and heart are always open! My thoughts and prayers are always with everyone!
Good luck to us all!!!
I have been in a relationship for about two years. Me and my beau live in separate households, and don't get to spend that much time together alone. He has two kids as well as do I. So me and my Beau are planning a nice week long getaway
Oh, this explains so much. Let me guess:
- Ex is burned up that you didn't sit around pining waiting for him to decide you were an acceptable Plan B
- Ex didn't want you but he SURE doesn't want somebody else to have you!
- Now that ex's relationship with OW is over, he's painting it to the boys that you two would be reconciled if only it weren't for your new man
- The boys (even if they like new man) see him as an obstacle to their parents being reunited
- The boys see ex as the "available" parent now that he's broken up with OW
All so very predictable.
I'm glad you have someone new in your life to help you through this time. You deserve it!!!
- Ex is burned up that you didn't sit around pining waiting for him to decide you were an acceptable Plan B
- Ex didn't want you but he SURE doesn't want somebody else to have you!
KML- I beleive these two reasons alone.
- The boys (even if they like new man) see him as an obstacle to their parents being reunited
Maybe even this one too as there have been back and forth comments about new man. They like him, can talk with him, treat each other with respect, but somehow I hear jabs from time to time that are negative about him.
The others may or may not be true, but is no cause of concern for me. And might I add one that I thought of... " I didn't fall flat on my face when he left"
All is very predictable, I am just sad that our kids are being used and abused.
And might I add one that I thought of... " I didn't fall flat on my face when he left"
Hahaha - right?
I think my ex is still completely confused about the fact that when he left, I learned to play the drums and now play in a pop-punk band. After all, HE was the musician in the family (he can play a half-dozen Neil Young songs on the acoustic guitar, that he learned in college, but has never bothered to take any lessons or practice to enhance his skills.)
That, and my tall handsome boyfriend (a half foot taller than my ex, a couple of years younger, even more fit and way more handsome) - well, let's just say my ex is confused.
Kml,
Bwwwwaaahhaaaaa, sounds like my bf. Younger than xh2, taller, looks far younger than xh2 and better looking. Soft caring soul gentle like xh2 thinks he is.
The joke is on them, no one wants to be plan b, ever. So shame on you all for NOT putting up with it.
Gooooooooooooooooo girls