mlc rut - 06/15/14 08:19 PM
hi there,
been reading & trying to learn what I can here.
the most important lesson being to take care of myself re: mlc H. However, I feel 'frozen'& unable to move forward creatively.
H's mlc:
> began about 4 months ago.
> went to huge event abroad & on return thought about all younger, prettier women that he's missing in his life.
> compounded by his 'single, party animal' brother who clubs every weekend / fri & sat.
disposition/actions:
> became insulting, showed contempt, emotional distance/disconnection, disrespectful of my feelings, nasty.
> isolated me: speaks to all our connections but me - re his day to day experiences and everyday life, his plans - professional or otherwise (!!) (just little things that are no big deal when speaking to a spouse. I would find out by accident or indirectly through someone who just assumed I knew).
actions:
> didn't seem interested in me/family for about 2 of (the current) 4 month old mlc.
> He would dress, shaven ..'cologned' & I would hear the car reverse, & return about 5 AM (btw these are clubs he took me to w/ his brother (!!) just before the mlc began (at that time, he would say he "likes taking his wife out" - & then the bomb dropped(?!!) , followed by the hostility and list of wrong doing ... my 'charges').
> The clubbing has slowed recently (only because he is running out of $$- entertainment is costly esp. at high-end clubs). Whatever $$ he has is for HIS life. Those things he spoke of that included me are now just for him including places we were both interested in visiting ...
My reaction:
> was initially surprised, shocked, confused because I did not recognize this of course.
> child has also had many life events to cope with including one - just a year ago. I didn't want to be rash re my child/10 who is not coping well as it is, so I am trying to handle this very carefully (this forum has been PRECIOUS!! )
> H has had major job issues/ & failed goals which he told me about in the past and got depressed over (years!!).
> H in a lot of denial & is against therapy("too intrusive").
> Soooo I gave him space/distance & he improved a bit -> Up to last night, he inlcuded me when he took me over to his friend & his mature-ish in style looking wife. This was a change after being left alone for months re 'social' (i also know that he would not want his good friend to know of this just yet anyway) But still emotionally distant - no connection
> He went to kid's school activites with us, & to hikes w/family
> also invited the same couple over to our home one evening. He clearly doesn't mind my being with them. But anything remotely glamourous is a no no (I am not overweight & friends tell me I look good for my age), so I realize he's in the market when in the 'meat markets' and leaves me for other scenarios (kid, hikes/nature, mature/slower paced couples & their wives - which is fine! am NOT shallow, just observant! ).
I suppose that this is a small improvement but he is still very depressed & disconnected. doesn't really talk to me. We walk on mornings because he wants the exercise anyway. He makes small talk then - for me it feels superficial. i am with a roomate not a partner & the abrupt change is hurtful and stressful.
I am trying to work on myself as advised here/db - but can't seem to get out of this rut! how do other mlc-spouses partners deal with it?
I feel confused, it's hard to know how to act, am sad a lot of the time, hide my tears ...how to get past this frozen state to a contructive one? Want to move forward, while he figures out what he needs to.
been reading & trying to learn what I can here.
the most important lesson being to take care of myself re: mlc H. However, I feel 'frozen'& unable to move forward creatively.
H's mlc:
> began about 4 months ago.
> went to huge event abroad & on return thought about all younger, prettier women that he's missing in his life.
> compounded by his 'single, party animal' brother who clubs every weekend / fri & sat.
disposition/actions:
> became insulting, showed contempt, emotional distance/disconnection, disrespectful of my feelings, nasty.
> isolated me: speaks to all our connections but me - re his day to day experiences and everyday life, his plans - professional or otherwise (!!) (just little things that are no big deal when speaking to a spouse. I would find out by accident or indirectly through someone who just assumed I knew).
actions:
> didn't seem interested in me/family for about 2 of (the current) 4 month old mlc.
> He would dress, shaven ..'cologned' & I would hear the car reverse, & return about 5 AM (btw these are clubs he took me to w/ his brother (!!) just before the mlc began (at that time, he would say he "likes taking his wife out" - & then the bomb dropped(?!!) , followed by the hostility and list of wrong doing ... my 'charges').
> The clubbing has slowed recently (only because he is running out of $$- entertainment is costly esp. at high-end clubs). Whatever $$ he has is for HIS life. Those things he spoke of that included me are now just for him including places we were both interested in visiting ...
My reaction:
> was initially surprised, shocked, confused because I did not recognize this of course.
> child has also had many life events to cope with including one - just a year ago. I didn't want to be rash re my child/10 who is not coping well as it is, so I am trying to handle this very carefully (this forum has been PRECIOUS!! )
> H has had major job issues/ & failed goals which he told me about in the past and got depressed over (years!!).
> H in a lot of denial & is against therapy("too intrusive").
> Soooo I gave him space/distance & he improved a bit -> Up to last night, he inlcuded me when he took me over to his friend & his mature-ish in style looking wife. This was a change after being left alone for months re 'social' (i also know that he would not want his good friend to know of this just yet anyway) But still emotionally distant - no connection
> He went to kid's school activites with us, & to hikes w/family
> also invited the same couple over to our home one evening. He clearly doesn't mind my being with them. But anything remotely glamourous is a no no (I am not overweight & friends tell me I look good for my age), so I realize he's in the market when in the 'meat markets' and leaves me for other scenarios (kid, hikes/nature, mature/slower paced couples & their wives - which is fine! am NOT shallow, just observant! ).
I suppose that this is a small improvement but he is still very depressed & disconnected. doesn't really talk to me. We walk on mornings because he wants the exercise anyway. He makes small talk then - for me it feels superficial. i am with a roomate not a partner & the abrupt change is hurtful and stressful.
I am trying to work on myself as advised here/db - but can't seem to get out of this rut! how do other mlc-spouses partners deal with it?
I feel confused, it's hard to know how to act, am sad a lot of the time, hide my tears ...how to get past this frozen state to a contructive one? Want to move forward, while he figures out what he needs to.