I think I belong here #2 - DivorceBusting.com

Link to first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2436303#Post2436303

Of course, you two are right. He would have seen it as fake again.

It has been 1 month since BD and I feel like we have gotten nowhere except that he has been making sure I know he isn't in this anymore.

After the thing with our son last night, I walked away and composed myself. Then returned to the living room to take care of the littlest. I told H the booster seat he ordered for S would be here Friday. S got all excited about it. I made a remark (in jest) that he was going to be the 'fun' parent while I was the 'safe' parent. H looked at me and said something like 'Everything's not your way only anymore, eh?' I looked at him and looked away. I didn't respond. He then said 'Hey, I didn't to upset you...plus, I will never be the fun parent....and if I am, you will always know they love you more.' I didn't respond to that either.

I am not sure which road to take next. I would say I have come a little ways in the acceptance and detach phase. I know I am nowhere near as far as I need to be but I can tell I am moving in that direction.

Rings are off of both of us. I cried when I took mine off but I know he saw it as me holding onto hope and that is something he has stressed that I need to let go of.

He is still here. As far as I know he has no plans of moving right now. His options are slim but there are options.

He knows I know about his friend. He says there is nothing going on. He says she has a boyfriend and they are just friends. (she is in a long distance relationship) He either can't or refuses to recognize his emotional attachment to the thrill of someone fawning all over him. She is like 'one of the guys' in that they talk about basketball, running, and school. She is even part of the group that meets up and plays basketball after class a few days a week. At this point, he spends more time talking to and being around her than he does me. She is in all of his classes and even his clinical group.

The funny thing? I'm meh about it. I know it's one of those relationships that wouldn't work out in the long run.

So, I need to pick my road. After reading how happy he was one month after he came home last time: Dec 22, 2009 - "thinks he loves his new wife. It wasn't supposed to happen, but I think I'll stay married a bit longer " I thought I should channel how things were back then and try to recreate that time in our marriage. Problem is, I don't really know if that is what I should do now. It goes against all of Sandy's rules and I'm afraid it will push him away. We spent time together and we put the kids to bed early so we had lots of intimacy. He had more of a life outside of the home. Things were easy going and we were flowing nicely between parents/lovers/friends.

I just feel stagnant and resigned to my fate. I have good hours and bad hours. I am at the point where I just don't want to care anymore because I am tired of hurting. I like it better when he is gone so I don't have to think about anything.

Praying,

You are in a difficult spot. It's tough when they are in the home. I know some have been successful with in home separations while others are able to detach once the spouse leaves the home.

IMHO, the only road to take is the high road. Don't take the bait. Your h is trying to push your buttons. Relax. Take a deep breath before reacting. It's okay to smile and turn away or leave the room. I know it can be extremely difficult to respond with a zinger. However, that's what your h wants.

Keep the focus on you and your kids.

You know, I do think it would be easier without him here. Just easier for me to let go because things aren't so normal. Right now the only thing lacking in this house is the love between the parents. Everything else is as it always has been. Last time he dropped the bomb and left all in one hour. It hurt like hell but it made things easier. I had time to cry and wail and let all of the hurt out. I also had no choice but to pick myself up and march on...someone had to care for the kids.

He said he would leave if I asked him to. It would be hard on all of us...he would be further away from school with crappy internet (making school harder), further away from my house making him less likely to help with gymnastics drop offs and pick ups, in turn making me lose even more sleep between shifts because now I am doing it all on my own. Last time he showed up right when I left for work and left right when I got home. No more, no less. I was easier because I didn't have to see him and I could ignore his calls. I was harder because it was an instant cut off from a two parent household.

He is trying to push buttons. He admitted it last week. He said he has tried to pick fights with me and I'm not taking it. He said I am confusing him and he sees my behavior as fake. He said he has been so used to leaning one way that thinking about leaning another doesn't seem right.

Hi Sister, I took my rings off Monday too. It was sad but kind of liberating. He has said he doesn't want to be my husband and he is sure not acting like one. So it feels a little self honoring.
Mine is in the house too and that is hard. I make occasionally mistakes too. I have also happily made some good reactions and not realized til afterward that he was clearly testing and baiting me. That is helping me detach and act differently more in the moment. I am really just seeing him like he is my ex and I don't have to explain or defend myself. Or fix things for him for that matter. I don't really care what my H thinks pro or con about my interactions with the kids. I care what I think and what they think. Period.
LL

So, tell me this... Do I go dim or do I be everything thing I was when he came home last time? Because those are two way different things.

I have been sweet, loving, happy, engaging, not pushy, not clingy, etc. This is what happened during the week he claims made him confused.

Now I have given up so much I don't even want to talk to him.

And let me say say this, If he says to me "this is an odd situation, it's not going to be easy" (or something like that) one more time. I'm ready to scream!!

Praying,

I think you go dim. I'm not an expert. However, I really don't believe someone in a genuine MLC can truly work on a m. Doesn't mean you can't have pleasant interactions. However, your h may be angry or try to push buttons regardless of what you do. Again, I'm fairly new and this may not be sound DB advice:)

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and the children. Be pleasant and focus on yourself and the kids. If he wants to inititate talks or interaction, he will.

You know, dim feels like the wrong thing to do so it is probably the right thing. Haha.

Live your life as best you can. Try to look at your h as a roommate and someone who is having mood swings. He's going to try to bait you just to get a reaction out of you to justify the way he's feeling.

As for leaving, unless it really gets to you, I wouldn't ask him to leave. If he wants to leave, he would go under his own steam. If you were to ask him to leave, he would tell everyone that you put him out and it would make you look like the bad person. Mlcers do not like to look bad in the eyes of others...so they push, they bait and the provoke until you open the door and shove them out or they can't take it anymore themselves.

No...this man needs to leave on his own and if he baits you too much and catches you wrong, whatever you say will be enough to encourage him to leave. Walk away and do not engage in his baiting. Smile, be civil, but live your life for you at the moment.

Thank you, Job. You seem to know exactly what to so. I truly appreciate everyone here.

Well, no matter if he realizes it or not, he is having an EA. Confirmed by my snooping. Trust me, I know I shouldn't have but curiosity killed the cat. At least now I know. Nothing physical or sexual yet. Just him flirting with her, telling her she looks good, and promising to be the first to tell her things (getting his motorcycle license). Oddly enough, I'm fairly okay. I knew in my heart it was happening I just needed my head to catch up I guess.

Mine has an EA too, it still hurts. I snooped too in the beginning, and could not see the texts but saw where he was texting her on the bill and saw him smiling when he'd walk in the room after reading hers, it was all over his face. "We're just friends" but I wanted to be the one he shared things with, I was his WIFE. Yeah that really stung. Shortly after I unfriended him on FB and got the phones separated so I wouldn't be tempted to snoop anymore. Just have to let him go through it and see that the grass isn't any greener over there. Nothing you can do to stop it, he'll get bored with it eventually when he figures out that he's missing the one person who actually KNOWS him. You're the mother of his children and that will never change. He will always be part of your life on some level. Try not to focus on it, thinking of it just hurts more. I try and push those thoughts away when they start to snake in my mind. I do wear a rubberband now on my wrist to snap and you can visualise a stop sign if you find yourself wondering about things. A lot of times what our minds make up is worse than it is in real life. Hang in there. You're not alone.

Logically, I know those things. I know. Stop snooping, step back, give space, reflect on what he's doing so I can decide if I am willing to wait it out, and (most importantly) work on myself so I come out of this stronger.

It is so much easier to say that than to do it. This morning I was all "who cares, it's not important, it won't last, let him go, give him space, don't worry about it." Now I am feeling that broken feeling again.

Last night I did a lot of reading about MLC and how to relate/communicate/treat yourself/treat your spouse. It was funny because I read it and digested it just this morning at work. He is slowly fitting into more and more of the characteristics of a MLC spouse. I am starting to truly see it with open eyes.

He has started leaving the car seats out of his van now. He took the kids to lunch with his parents this afternoon and removed the seats as soon as he got back home. Just more of him hiding his true life from his friends. No ring, no seats....what wife and kids?

Good afternoon. What/where did you read about MLC? I strongly believe my wife is in MLC and could use more resources.
I understand the "feeling positive and great in the morning/broken feeling later in the day" I wonder if being more tired has something to do with it...

Praying,

Yes, my h tells his new friends that he quit his old life and left his responsibilities and obligations behind. They try to erase the "old" life.

Nyk - I Googled and found so many articles on MLC. They all said pretty much the same thing. I saved a few that paralleled DB so that I could go back a re-read from my phone.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs. One min I can joke and laugh about my sitch the next I am hiding in a corner bawling.

I'm still broken. People say I am strong to stand by while he is doing this. I don't feel strong. I feel destroyed and broken.

I'm sorry you are still having ups and downs, but I can assure you that it will get better in time. When you are overcome w/emotions, feel those emotions and then release them. You'll begin to notice that after each emotional downward slide, you'll begin to grow and become even more stronger.

Please gentle w/yourself. Take some time to pamper yourself and remember, you are human and your heart has been broken and needs time to mend. I promise you, it will get better.

I have received so much amazing advice here. I have read other threads and gained awesome advice. Why can't I make myself put it to use? I know what I have to do but I cannot force myself to do it.

The most recent gem I picked up was this:

"Keep in mind that things can still change. Don't give up hope but also don't dwell on getting your H back. Work on yourself and in time your H may realize what he's losing. It can take a LONG time but it does happen. There are people who have reconciled after being separated for years.

If you can be happy on your own and overcome your own issues you'll be ok no matter what."

This is what I need to work on

It takes time to start moving forward. The grieving process can be a short or long one, depending upon the person. Please do not judge your progress and/or your situation against others. Why? Because it one is very unique, just like diamonds...no two are exactly alike.

Be patient w/yourself and know that you are exactly where you need to be at this time.

Edit the last line of the first paragraph to read:

"Because each one is very unique, just like diamonds...no two are exactly alike."

So, H was asleep this afternoon when we left for gymnastics. I just took all three kids and left. He never called or text. No big deal. They were fine with me... But usually he will come get the 2 year old so she doesn't get bored. We left gym, I stopped to get food, then we went to my grandparents. He hasn't contacted me so I assumed he was busy. He finally calls me an hour after gym is over and asks when we will be home... He made dinner. I told him we were out and already ate. He said it was fine it can be reheated for tomorrow.

Tell me why I feel bad? Usually I would call and ask about dinner but I decided not to tonight. Now I feel like an a**. However, he napped on the couch after getting a full nights sleep while I worked a 12 hour shift and took a 2 hour nap and he doesn't seem to feel bad.

You feel bad because you've done something that is totally different from what you would normally do. That's okay. How were you to know he was going to prepare dinner? You did what you needed to do in order to keep the peace and harmony w/your kids before going to your grandparents.

I wouldn't worry about it, i.e., as he stated, it can be reheated today.

Praying,

Job gives the best advice. It's dinner. Why would you feel bad? Keep the focus on you and your kids. It's just a meal.

Georgia and Job, you two have been so great for me.

H initiated a talk last night. I have to wait to get on the computer and compose my thoughts before I share here. Simply put, he is in a MLC and he is truly struggling with himself.

Seems like your H is looking for help.

What a great sign.

Dont begrudge your H for sleeping on the couch all day. It is a good sign that he is still at home.

Unfortunately right now you are gonna have to carry a heavy load. Maybe look for some outside help like a babysitter or grand parent to help you with the kids more. MLCer is not gonna be able to help in that way, they need to get their head together first.

Sleeping on the couch all day is a sign of depression. I agree w/Bklyn, it's time to seek some outside help w/the children, if you have family near by, I would ask them. Maybe work some kind of deal w/other mothers in the area for play dates, etc.

The mlcer is unable to help himself/herself, therefore they can't help anyone else. It's true, they need to themselves together before they can become reliable and help others.

So, what are your plans for today?

Praying,

My h would do the same thing- take long naps. He was unable to take out the trash or do literally anything ..,even fill the dog dish with water. However , (and I'm not saying your h is this way) h could go get drunk with friends while still here. Now that he is gone he still can't be bothered with the children or any other responsibilities except for work. However , he can go out with his new friends and devote his time to his new. 26 yr college gal pal. It's whatever they think makes them feel good.

It's great that your h is talking to you. However, they are beyond self absorbed at this time. It's all about them. As a result, you have to make your life all about you and your kids. You can't stop you or your children's life for a crisis you can't control.

Hope you have a greet day.

He has started waking up at 6 or 7 am every day...even on non-school days. He says it gives him a few hours in the morning before the house wakes up. He is not usually one to take a nap unless he is exhausted. Otherwise, he is still doing everything around the house as usual. Dishes, dinner, lunch (if he is home), yard work...I dunno, maybe he just needed a nap that day?

So, our talk. This may get long as it is just my random typing to get it all on 'paper'.

He took off his band to drive me away. He wants to figure out who he is. He wants to do things alone. He wants to do things that make him uncomfortable so he has to work through it. He may be interested in dating other people but he doesn't think it will work. He wants me to go out with someone to see if it will make him jealous and make me happy. He thinks we would be better friends if we weren't married. He is not looking for a divorce. His idea of separation is that we are having problems. He doesn't want to lead me on but he isn't sure what he wants. He doesn't have feelings for OW but he easily could if he allowed himself to. He said he is half way through his life and he doesn't know who he is. If he were to die tomorrow all he would have done in life is get married, have kids, go back to school, and live his life for everyone around him.

He likes me. He may even love me but we have grown apart as not only spouses but also as friends. He wants our friendship back. He can't imagine not being with me forever. He always thought he would be with me forever. He said if we get divorced he would end up alone in an apartment drinking beer and working two jobs to stay busy. He's not sure what he wants right now so he is just trying whatever comes to mind to try.

He wants me to go ahead and move on, date, file for divorce, kick him out, etc, etc, etc. He says I deserve better than him. I deserve to be happy and loved, not stuck in limbo. He even changed his 'I may love you' to 'No, I'm totally done' in an effort to push me further.

He sounds very confused and unhappy with himself. Parts of the convo gave me the feeling he would be willing to open himself up to our marriage and parts made me think he has given up already. He truly seems lost. He has been sincere in his not wanting to hurt me. He wants to me to be happy and he doesn't feel like that happiness is with him. He trusts me to find an amazing man that will be a wonderful step-father. Then I can be happy and he and I can be friends/co-parents and he doesn't have to feel guilty for hurting me or not being enough for me.

I don't want to date anyone. He said he might want to. He said that was his litmus test to if he wanted to stay married or not. His mind started wondering to if he could/would cheat on me and when it did that scared him and made him think it was time to leave me. He is fairly emotionally immature and can't seem to figure out his feelings vs desires.

It's like he is intrigued by dating other people but he is nervous about doing it plus he says it wouldn't work out anyway and would just hurt me.

I felt bad for him. He seemed so confused about his life and his feelings. He was very sweet and hugged me a couple of times. He said he missed talking to me. He said many times over the last few months he has turned to talk to me as friends again and then just stopped himself.

He surprised me. He said he knows it's not my all my fault (the marriage breakdown) he took the blame where he should.

I stepped in and took the blame where I should. It was very nice to talk about that. He agreed that the marriage breakdown could have been handled sooner if he would have "been a man and spoke up."

I'm going to be loving and empathetic. I am going to be the type of woman no man would want to leave. I am going to work out, go out, love my kids, laugh, smile, and play. I am going to give him room while giving him distant love. Letting him know his friend is still here. That seems to be important to him right now.

Job, my plans for today...D8 has a short 1 hour practice this afternoon. H is taking S and maybe D2 to his brothers for his (the brothers) birthday 'party'. Then we (the kids and I) will probably go over to my grandparents for a bit. It's supposed to be nice out today so hopefully we can spend some time outside.

I'm glad to see that you aren't sitting at home mulling over everything that was discussed.

Unfortunately, he is the only one that can help himself and improve his life. Everything he touched on is how a MLCer feels and they just don't get it. The external things aren't going to make him very happy and in time, he will come to realize this as he tries each and every thing to see if it will improve his life and make him happy.

As for dating, I wouldn't. Why? Because it would alleviate some of the guilt he's feeling about dating himself. Stay true to yourself and whatever you do, do not pretzel yourself to try to make him happy. For every little thing he points out that you need to change, once you've done the changes, he'll come up w/another laundry list. Only make changes that you will be happy w/and they can become a part of your day-to-day life.

Your h has a lot of growing up to do and he's going to find out that the illusive happiness over the rainbow just doesn't exist. Happiness comes from within. Please do not drink from the pitcher of Kool-Aid that he is serving. Do not take on his problems as your own, because they aren't. Just remember, if your marriage had been so bad and beyond repair, you would have known about it years ago. He is looking through the rose colored glasses of MLC and until the light of day hits him square in the face, he'll continue to talk the MLC BS.

GA, the best thing you can do is listen, offer no suggestions/advice, unless he asks for it.

Live your life to the fullest and know that you are the prize.

I sat there through the conversation thinking that he finally showed me his colors. I now truly feel like I belong here. All I could think was to mentally thank him for showing me his MLC. It gave me the slightest bit of comfort to know that it isn't / wasn't me. Like you (Job) said a while back when I posted about his past loving posts on FB..."What you've read reconfirms that you and your marriage are not the problem. This is all about him and he has a journey to make to grow up." Change read to heard.

I 100% agree with the dating. I am not going to. I know it would just make him feel more justified in his world.

Before I left the house today two things happened...

I read a passage about taking life day by day. On those rainy, gloomy days don't sit around being a grouch... grab your rain boots and get ready to splash in puddles.

Then I got in the car and the song of the moment said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

This day will be a good day despite my just at the edge of crying emotions.

good for you - that's progress! try and keep that positive mental attitude. definitely set time aside for grief when you're alone though, got to feel that and let it out or it only builds up. maybe look up some meditation or breathing techniques to help you through. exercise. it's a good way to relieve some stress. I pray tons of times during the day too and that has helped me a lot.

Praying when you feel that your emotions are about to get the better of you try these below:

�STOP: by learning one's unique stress triggers, the patient is taught to STOP, then

�SLOW DOWN: by using one of several "slowing down" techniques (e.g., deep breathing, counting down from 10 to 1, "fake" smiling, "fake" yawning, gum chewing, meditation, exercise, etc.; note that all strategies are supported by scientific data)

�THINK: by using the following steps of planful problem solving: defining the problem, creatively thinking of possible solutions, and making decisions about which ideas to carry out

�ACT: by carrying out the action plan and monitoring the effects

The last one has more to do with planned outcomes, or imagining a problem before it happens and and having a plan of action ready.

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I have to take it hour by hour.

Today H is in the area of the hospital I work in. He has been learning with some of my co-workers and friends. I am sure he is very uncomfortable since they aren't really being too buddy with him.

I also met a couple of his classmates today. I had to work last night and he had clinical this morning so he brought the kids to me at work. He seemed very embarrassed when he introduced us to his friends. One of them was so very nice!

I'm supposed to be his friend living with him. Just flip the darn switch from wife to friend while everything else remains the same. And he says "I know this is hard for you"... Because apparently it so so #$&@ easy for him.

Ever wish you would have just stuffed a sock down your throat and then duct taped it in? Yep. Bring on the papers.

Ramblings:

I am tired of being on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of being in love with my husband. I am tired of not being able to love him how I want to. I am tired of stopping myself from saying "I love you". I am tired of feeling like life is a game. I am tired of worrying over everything. I am tired of analyzing my life. I am tired of being in this situation. I am tired of being me. I am sad. I am lonely. I am tired of crying. I am tired of reading. I am tired of thinking all.the.time. I just want to be loved. Be happy. Be wanted. Be everything to someone. Be the one he wants. Be enough. I am exhausted already and it has only been 6 weeks. I am tired of feeling like I do it all wrong. I am tired of wanting more. I am tired of not being hugged. I am tired of crying alone. I just want an arm around my shoulder. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to let it all out and be told it's going to be okay. I am so sad and so tired and so broken and I am tired of it all. This is exhausting and I don't even know if it is worth it. I am hopeless for my sitch. I am hopeless for my marriage. I am a mother and a worker and that is all. My life is work and kids and constant worry about my marriage. I am broken and I am tired and I am lost. I just want my husband, my family, my kids, to be loved, to be whole....to be happy. I am tired of being broken.

Praying,

It's difficult. I think everyone can relate to your feelings and thoughts. Everyone's marriage has issues, none of us just thought we would be here.

I'm not an celery like so many others that share advice here. However, this is one thing that has helped me greatly. I don't like my new h. I just don't. He is not someone I would be friends with - muchless someone I would have 3 kids with. That's who he is now though. And our R is done. It's not going to turn around in a hour, month, or probably even a year.

That being said the things he does are less hurtful. Instead of feeling pain, I just feel weird that my formerly devoted and loyal husband refers to himself as a playa (a word he hated) and hangs out with his new 26 gf. If it wasn't so sad , it would be comical as he has become every cliche in the book. Some of the things the kids say are funny and sad because the older two at 9 and 10 see it for themselves. Even the 4 yr old sees stuff as well.

My point is that your h is a different man. As much as you'd like, he is going to "switch" back. Yes, you may see glimmers although you will see things you don't like as well. You cannot change it. Back off. Yes, your marriage like everyone else's had issues and you have things you can work on to improve yourself. And you should. Always focus on being the best you can be and enjoy your children. This is all on your h. He can only walk this journey. He also must own all that comes along with this journey. With every decision, comes consequences and that too falls on your h. That's why everyone says to leave him be. It truly is HIM and not you.

Look at this time with your kids as a unique gift. You are showing them strength in adversity and that life sometimes throws you a curveball. It would be wonderful to wave a wand and make things go back to normal. However, as sad as I may feel sometimes, I truly believe this happened to me and my kids for a reason. It's only been a few months since BD, and I can say our house has a sense of peace. I miss h and I know the kids miss their Dad. However , he's not here right now in any sense of the word.

Take care of yourself.

Oops. I'm certainly not celery. I meant expert:-)

Logically, everything you have said makes sense and I have actually said those same things to a friend! However, implementing them into my own life seems to be my sticking point. I'm just so spent. I feel so empty and lost. I am constantly trying and thinking and reading. I just need to let go and live.

Now, who wants to take bets on how long that takes to happen...

So, I'm feeling rather used at the moment. We are still being intimate. I am the only one working. I just finished paying the bills after homeschooling the kids. I will be leaving shortly to take them to practice. H went to school this morning, went to play basketball with his friends after school, and then went to lunch with them. He does this every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Every week. So I am at home taking care of everything and paying the bills while he is out doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Anger. Sadness. Just a lot of emotion going through me right now.

Find some you time

You know, some days I don't even know if he is in a MLC or if he has just left.

It has been 6 weeks now and things are no where near clear for me yet. It is all my fault though. He has emotionally and mentally checked out of this marriage. I am the one left standing here holding my heart in my hands waiting for it to be stomped on yet again.

We have had a great couple of weeks. We have spent time with the kids, as a family, as a couple. We have been intimate, going on outings together, planning to do something for my birthday together. He has hugged and kissed me more in these two weeks than in the last year. I have been lulled into a false sense of happy and positive. Sigh. It has been my downfall.

So last night we are watching a movie of his choosing. We were chatting on and off a bit. I said to him "You know, I have always felt lucky to have landed you." He smiled and said "Really? *pause* How are you going to feel later?"

So of course, things have been nice in the house and between us. He needed to knock them down a notch. Knock my down a notch. Remind me of where we are and where he is. How could I have been so stupid?

I truly need to let it go. Let the hope go. Let the glimmer of my marriage go. Let my husband go. Let my love for him go. Just let it all go. He is gone. He is done. I am hanging onto nothing. I am the pathetic soul sitting and waiting for him to turn back to me. I am not DBing. I am not following the book. I am a broken woman pining after a broken marriage and thriving on the facade of happy we are throwing around.

My birthday is next week and I just wish I could skip it all. Just come home from work that morning and sleep until the next day.

I know this is my fault. I have been playing myself this whole time. He hasn't lied to me.

GA,
Have your pity party today and then tomorrow, get up and be the strong individual that you have and continue to be. It's not your fault that he's in crisis. It's not your fault that you didn't break him so that you could fix him. The fault lies in his childhood, somewhere as a young child, he was emotionally stunted and now has to go back there and revisit that time and grow up. He been playing at being an adult for along time, but he now needs to face those demons and truly experience the life he didn't complete back then. Again, it's not your fault.

We all have been where you are today and it's a horrible feeling, however, you will get stronger and as you begin to take the rose colored glasses off, you will see more clearly and be able to better protect your heart. Feel the loss, pain, hurt and anger. Allow those feelings to wash over you and then let them go.

You had expectations, hoping against, hope that things had settled down and he was on his way back. It's part of the coaster ride and now you need to step back, detach and allow the man upstairs to work on him. Many will disagree w/me, but he's having his cake and eating it with a spoonful of ice cream on top. I would suggest that you cut the intimate activities w/him because you don't know where he's been and w/whom once he goes home. Stop doing things for him.

Now, take the cake, plate, fork and knife and put them all away. Time for him to face some of the consequences of his actions. Cake eating time is over. Let him go, both in body, mind and spirit. He needs to go on this journey of self discovery. Your journey of self discovery has begun as well. Who do you want to be and what do you want to accomplish for yourself?

Your birthday is next week, plan to do something special for yourself, i.e., whether it is to take yourself to lunch or dinner, buy some flowers or a special perfume that you like. Maybe take in a movie or do something different from what you've done in the past...but you should recognize and celebrate your special day.

Again, stop blaming yourself for loving a crisis man. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, stand up straight and get on making your life better and no matter what, find something in each and every day to smile about.

Great advice Job.
It is hard to detach when they're still in the home, but detaching is a must. You should allow yourself some time every day if necessary for grieving, just try and do it somewhere alone but at least that way you get it out. Drive somewhere and cry in your car if you have to, go for a walk or a run, I would cry in the shower, and walk for 30 minutes to try and work out that pain. Just allow yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party and then pray for strength every day, there's nothing you can do to change or fix this and it's not your fault. The only things you can control are you. Make changes in yourself for you. Make plans for your birthday on your own and with your kids, my exH completely forgot my birthday and yes it stings. No expectations. He's going to be a jerk for awhile, they don't just snap out of this. I'm trying to control my own feelings and not allow him to be some sort of puppet master. He only cares about himself right now. It's up to you to go on as if he will never come back. Life will go on. The sun will come up each day. Time will keep ticking. There are a lot of blessings in your life and a lot of good things about you. Journal and list good things about yourself and list the things you won't miss about him. List your many blessings. Take it day by day.

You're right TL72. It's hard with them still at home.

JOB, I always love your advice. it calmly brings me back to where my thoughts should be.

Spouse and I are both detaching due to our sitch so this is very fun both being in household with children in middle.

Thank you all for the words and advice. As always, Job is amazingly insightful.

It is so much harder this time around with him still here in the house. Funny thing he said the other day....he told me that last time it only took me one month to get over him and move on. He said in one months time I was happy and going on without him then he came back for the kids and ruined it all. He said he should have never came back because I was doing well without him. He had moved out last time and I dove head first into DBing like a pro. I was nowhere NEAR over him and our marriage, he just wasn't here to sense those down times.

Anyway, I had so many dreams last night.

First I dreamed we were renewing our vows...but he realized halfway through the day that he wanted to leave so we had to decide what to do.

Then I dreamed That there was dirt everywhere. Dirt and dust and bugs and I couldn't clean it up enough to make him happy. I kept apologizing and he kept saying it was fine but he would disappear for a long time and come back to find me still cleaning.

Then we moved to a party or some sort. There were a bunch of guys there and I kept looking for him. When I would finally find him he would disappear again into the crowd or tell me he was going to get something but never come back. I would randomly find him hanging out with other women then he was gone again.

To say I didn't get much sleep is an understatement. Why can't our minds leave us alone enough to get a good nights sleep?

Detaching and letting go isn't working so well for me. Logically I know I have no control over what happens. I can only choose to stick it out or kick him out. He has to decide to be with me or not. But I can't help the feeling that "If only..."

Basically, it has been almost 7 weeks and I am in the same place I was on day one. I am a DB failure this time around.

Hi praying_in_GA - I have had those dreams! Me looking for my (MLC) husband...I was always losing him in a crowd! Looked everywhere, could never find him, or I would find him, then I'd lose him again. Here's one that will give you goose bumps...

I had had a recurring dream for several years. I was somehow trapped in this large basement (clean, dry, mind you, but a basement) with no door, except an opening that was way up too high to get out of without a ladder or something. I was always wondering where my H was, why wasn't he there to help me get out, where was he??

Well, the last time I had that dream was about a month or so ago, after 10 months of DB'ing and waiting around for my MLC'er to come out of the fog (not yet). This time, I was in the basement again, but suddenly sprouted wings -- and FLEW out that door way up there! What does that MEAN?! My therapist was floored. Yes, it means I realized I can take care of myself. I don't need him to be ok. How's that for GAL'ing?

Maybe you will have a similar dream too. 7 weeks is not a long time. Be kind to yourself. But keep trying. You are not a failure.

LiveNow, I went by and read your thread. It is strange, but I am somehow comforted to know that you and bright both have heard the same "things won't change, we need to D now" speech over and over and over again. That's what I am getting every turn as well.

H told me he isn't sure what to do about my birthday. He said he wants me to have a good birthday though. He is afraid to do anything with me for fear of leading me on. However, he is going out with a group from school on Wed afternoon to celebrate his female friends 21st b-day. He may or may not be home in time to take D8 to practice so I would have to lose an hour of sleep before work so I could take her.

I know I should do something to celebrate my birthday but to be 100% honest though, I have zero interest in going to a movie/dinner/lunch/whatever by myself. Maybe that means I should just to get that first time over with?

He is getting deeper into the MLC script I think. He has started secretly tanning. LOL. Just LOL. He either left school early or didn't go at all this past Wednesday. When I asked how school went that day he said it was good...never mentioned he missed some/all of the day. He has even lied to friends at school about being sick...hence missing the day. He is spending slightly more money on things...like a month of tanning for $71. Our gas bill was $94...yea, I paid that while he paid for tanning.

I was listening to Pandora radio tonight at work. Well, low and behold, Bonnie Raitt "I Can't Make You Love Me" comes on. So I go sit in a room alone and cry harder than I have yet. Tears running down my face and chest. Such an emotional song. Such powerful words. And so poignant. I think it is time that I stop this playing around crap and release him into the world. It's so hard to believe it has been almost 2 months. Seems like it's been so short yet so long...and even yet, I am nowhere near the end of it all. It was so painful to listen to it but it was also eye opening. It made me feel more than I have allowed myself to feel since this whole thing started. Being honest with you all, I have held this strong hope that this was all just going to blow over. I have held onto that so tightly that I have blinded myself to the truth of my life. The first time was 1 month and I deluded myself into believing that would be the case again.

The pain I currently feel is so strong. I have one hour left to let it all out before I head home to him and the kids. I have been hiding my head in the sand these past 2 months. I have been barely treading water and definitely not moving in any meaningful direction. I have been a fool.

Anyway, enough lamenting. It is time for me to lace up these boots and get to work. No matter what, he is gone for now and sitting around pretending it's not happening isn't doing me any good. My life [censored] right now and a huge reason is my own doing.

So, here it is....I can't make you love me....my large dose of reality tonight....

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

I'm not giving up the fight, I am taking the power back.

I understand GA. My birthday is the 26th and it's going to be filled with so much heartache. My W has always surprised me somehow with something wonderful either a heartfelt letter or a gift that blew me away. Now, the grief of that being gone will overshadow everything. Thanks for the song, it resonates so true!

Well, retract my previous claim that he didn't go to school. I mis-read and that's what one gets for snooping.

Oh no -- that SONG. That one just KILLS me so I just can't listen right now. My favorite version is a live recording by Allen Stone. Love that - soulful. But can't listen now. Still too hard. Or, maybe I should try, and see if I can get through it without crying? Hey, I just might...

I had a birthday on March 21st. I also was used to getting really nice, thoughtful gifts. He always made a big deal out of it. This year, I got a TEXT MESSAGE: "happy birthday." Yeah, that's it. Nice eh? (He was probably with OW, 17 years younger than him by the way, so I guess the text couldn't be too long or she'd wonder what he's doing.)

Hope you're having a better day today, praying_in_GA. As so many have chimed in, it does get better. 10 months in, and I feel like I have finally turned a corner, and I've run right past him now. For everyone it's going to be a different timetable though, and everyone's situation - and MLC'er - is different. Hang in there and keep posting.

I made the decision today to stop the madness. I have decided to just let him and my control over the end result go. I got a good, heart-wrenching, shirt drenching cry out....I listened to sappy make me wanna curl into a ball songs.....I listened to empowering songs.....and then I wiped my face and stood up. One day at a time. One day. I can only control myself and my reactions. No reason to look years into the future and try to predict my life. Today is happening now.

Every time I have felt the tears building I imagine a stop sign. He doesn't deserve any more tears today.

I think one day at a time is all I can handle. It's been 2 months of bs already. I can't spend the rest of the year pining over him. He will either stay or go. Not my doing, not my control.... If I keep saying it it will stick, right? Lol.

I can't sit and cry for him any longer. It's been 2 months. He can't have that much control over my life. I am done hurting myself. If he doesn't want me, someone out there will and I can't be a depressed lush when that happens. He's not out there crying and depressed over breaking apart his family...I can't be the one living a sh**y life because he's being this way. I am trying to be realistic with myself. That reality is that we are going to live apart sooner rather than later...even if it is only for a few months or years. I can't spend my life in love with someone who doesn't love want to be with me anymore...someone who doesn't want to work for us even though we have three kids and 14 years together.

I WANT him but I don't NEED him. I LOVE him but I will LIVE without him.

My new theme song:

"A Little Bit Stronger" - Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Okay, so of course H started talking last night. I sit and listen and add things here and there. Here are a few of his gems:

-He wants a fresh start from this life.
-He flirts a lot and feels/felt that was disrespectful to me/our marriage. There is no one woman I should be worried about...I should be worried about everyone because he sees many women as interesting. They draw his attention and that is when he realized he needed to step back.
-He is worried about the kids and he wants to be a good father.
-He is not interested in trying to be with me at this time.
-If I were to file he would sign. He is fine with me filing. He doesn't want to file on his own.
-He wants me to go sleep with someone else so I can mentally separate from him.
-He has built up an emotional wall to block himself from feeling anything for me.
-He says heartbreak is the worst feeling ever and he hates that he is causing it in me.
-He says that I would be a great friend and he does hope that we will end up being friends.
-He says he hopes one day I will be in love with another man and look back to realize I didn't love him as much as I thought I did.
-He said he was happy to see me being strong today and telling him I didn't ask for his opinion. He said he was proud of me because I need to let him go.
-He said he wants to take a true break from the marriage to see how he feels about his life.
-He said he needs at least 6 months of separation.
-He said he doesn't want to sleep around but he would like to see what it is like to date another woman.
-He said he's not on a quest to feel younger but that he needs his life to change. (I had to stop myself from laughing out loud at this one)
-He said if he were to continue to live as he has been he would look back with regret.

Woke up this morning ready to crawl back under the covers. It's almost like sleeping resets my confidence. I need to figure out away to immediately reset it again.

My oldest wanted to go spend the night with my grandparents so I got up and too her over there. I stayed for a bit. It was good. I don't usually do stuff the mornings before I work...I don't really know why...but it was good. It made me feel like this wasn't a wasted day. Anyway, my grandfather was so mad about my situation today. I love him. I think it was his anger that truly snapped me out of my dark mood. "He said 'I do' he had s**...this isn't something he walks away from. Dumba**." LOL. I love that man.

So, good day reset! Went home, napped for work, got up and worked out...felt a little off again before my workout. Oh well, it will get better. As I head to work (I seem to sink into my depressive state at work), I start to dread this weekend. Two nights of work and then my birthday. Yay. My grandmother called me and asked if the kids and I would like to go to dinner for my birthday Monday night. (P.S.-it's also my grandfathers birthday!! Then my little one turns two on Tuesday! BIG week ahead!)Of course I said yes, we need to go out and celebrate. H isn't invited. I think I will ask him to put together the kitchen for D2s birthday while we dine. I think I will also take D8 to get a pedicure Monday. I'm calling it a no school day in honor of my birthday.

I read something today that was written for a mom selling off her cloth diaper stash. (I at one point had a huge stash of beautiful diapers. I now have a beautiful stash of baby carriers. I love to wrap my little one!) It sounded like something I would read here so I wanted to share:

Sometimes a fresh start means sitting down with yourself and saying, �That�s what I did. That�s who I was. But that doesn�t fit what I do now, who I am now, and it�s time to let go.�

So you pack up the old with fondness and care, and you tenderly and tearfully send it off to where it will be used and loved, and only then do you realize how much that old stash had been weighing you down.

Chin up, shake it off, breathe deep. A fresh start feels good.

OMG I think my world just exploded. I am seriously sitting here shaking. Please someone help me.

H removed us as married on FB tonight. I don't know when. I just noticed it. His profile says nothing about being in any relationship at all. It's just gone. All of that confidence I had was just shattered in one stroke of the mouse.

Please, someone, please tell me what to do.

Okay, so he did me a favor by doing it while I was at work. I can process and slowly accept without being able to immediately react. So here I am crying and shaking and devastated all over again.

So, I don't react when I get home, right? I just let it go. He is probably expecting a reaction. Expecting me to be mad or sad or scream or cry or something. I just breath and swallow it and let it go. Right?

Do I leave mine as saying married? Act like I didn't notice? Do I change mine to separated? (which I had actually started to do twice this week now...kind of ironic)

Praying,

I removed my h as my husband and unfriended him. Why? This man isn't my husband. He doesn't live here . I rarely speak to him. And he behaves nothing like a husband. How do I feel about this now ? Pretty gosh darn good. I'm not completely detached, however, I am getting there. Remember, I know you want to save your m but this is your h now. He isn't "switching" back anytime soon.

I know it's difficult, however your h does sound like he is sharing his feelings with you (even though they seem a little wacky). Having more intimacy and frequent sex with your h isn't going to turn this around. If you do that, he will just pick another issue. (I'm sorry if I'm hijacking) The intimacy issue was what I thought was the major issue in our m. I was positive of it. Wrong! Once we started working on that h said the real issue was that I wasn't committed (3 kids and 12 years). Then it was I didn't tell him EXACTLY how much I made (he did the taxes for 9 years and said he never really " looked" at what I made). Then it was that I didn't support him (he only worked a total of around 4 years of our m)etc. I knew this was him and not me when he started tearing up about traffic one night and blamed me. He said I had driven by 3 hours earlier and should have known traffic would be bad. I know this sounds crazy and many others have similar stories. Your h will just keep adding to the list. Soon it will be that you never wore green shirts or that you never learned to play the drums.

That's why everyone says keep the focus on you. You can listen and validate your h. However, this is his deal. That's why it's so important for you to detach and focus on you and the kids. Don't let his deal make you put your life on hold. You cannot do that! You deserve to enjoy every minute of your life and your kids are only this age once. It's a true statement that you didn't break him so you can't fix him.

Detach. Forget FB, Twitter, flickr, tumbler and snapchat. Focus on you and the kids.

Oh my God. I messed my marriage up all on my own. I have been chatting with a long lost friend tonight and I almost feel like I slammed into a brick wall.

In 2010, our marriage was amazing. We were in love and happy. We were sexual. We posted about each other all the time. We took pics of each other and posted them. We were so in love it was probably sickening to others. Then I got pregnant and he lost his job. I started putting the kids and the pregnancy before him in all areas. He wanted to move the kids to their own beds and I didn't want to...so he moved to his own bed. He would want to go off and do stuff but I didn't want to leave the baby with someone for too long. I didn't want sex so we just went without. We would have sex twice a year...literally. In 2010 - Sept 2011 we had sex 3-4 times a week. I cut him off. No intimacy at all.

He was a neglected husband who put up with a lot. He was unemployed and going to nursing school. At home he was not the man of the house, he was just the babysitter. He didn't get the love and attention from me he deserved. Yes, he should have spoken up...but I should have noticed the drifting. We grew apart quickly. his needs were far from met.

I was totally absorbed in the kids. I went to work, I went to sleep, I went to gymnastics, I homeschooled them...I pushed him out of the way to make more room for the kids.

I took him for granted. I took his love for granted. I took the idea that he would never leave us again for granted.

He wanted to move to Seattle and I refused. I told him I wouldn't move until my grandparents moved with us or passed away. I chose my grandparents over my husband.

How can I fix this? Will DBing work for this? Is there a way to show him that I understand and will work my butt off to fix this? How can I bring his attention back to me when I ran him off in the first place?

Praying,

Some of these are valid and common issues. I could have written this exact same post as I'm sure many others could have as well. Really. I could have written your post minus different activities and cities. While everyone plays a role in the demise of the m, you did NOT do this all on your own. I repeat that you did NOT do this on your own.

Every m has issues. Your m, like every other m on this board, was neglected to a certain degree. Lacked intimacy. Kids before marriage. Employment woes. Crazy schedules. We live in a fast paced, instant gratification society. The reality is you fix the things that you need/ want to be fixed and focus on you and your kids. You can go and rehash that you've had a revelation, repeat your post above and not one thing will change. Your h will bring up something else.

I'm not sure if this is very DB but I'm going to go out on a limb. Many marriages have the issues you listed and both parties are happy. Many marriages where people have sex 5 times a week and who have date nights twice a week are unhappy. Each person is different. Everyone has a different mental makeup. I have a feeling your h was going to get to this point regardless of whether your kids slept in another house and what city you lived.

Is there any point in telling him I am sorry for my part? I truly was not a good wife an I am sick to my stomach over this.

No. If he brings up r talk, you can apologize for what is warranted and validate his feelings. Groveling and saying it's all your fault won't make him want to be in the m. Telling him you will "work hard" on the m will not turn this ship around.

Let's look at this from a logical perspective. Do you really think telling your h that the demise of this marriage is all your fault and that you are willing to do anything to save it is going to make him not want to explore other women, hang out with 20 something's, and forgo tanning ? It's not. Do you think he will suddenly revert back to your "old" h? No. Work on the things you want to fix for you. This is HIS deal.

GA,
Every marriage has its ups and downs and no marriage was perfect. Yes, your h should have spoken up if things were not going well and he felt neglected, but he didn't. You are not a mind reader.

The things that he has said are very typical of the MLC script. Your h is in crisis. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

No matter what you did or didn't do, he was destined to have a crisis. He could have been single, a priest/minister or married to someone else, but he still would have gone through a crisis. This is all about HIM and resolving his childhood issues that have been stuffed way down in his soul.

Again, it's about HIM, not YOU. It is very important that you understand that you could pretzel yourself into pure gold dollar signs and he still would say the things that he said. He's not happy w/himself and until he figures himself out, faces his childhood issues and grows up, he will continue to be unhappy.

Bottom line...work on YOU! Keep the focus on YOU and if there are things about yourself or the way that you are living, that you are unhappy with, this correct them...but only make changes if they are for you and they must become permanent. The changes have to be made for you and should not be considered as a way to win him back.

Leave him to his journey. Your journey has begun and you will find that you will have good days and then some bad days, but at the end of the journey, you'll be happy w/the person you have become because you've had to learn to be independent and stronger than you've ever been in your life. Dealing w/MLC is not a sprint....it's a marathon and it takes years to run it.

Love the pretzel into gold dollar signs comment, Job:)

Praying-

I am so sorry that we are in the same situation. I feel your pain. I understand that we cannot do anything about MLC. But part of me is to have hugs and the occasional peck on cheek or lips. I feel bad withholding this from H, so occasionally I try only to be turned down. Not sure what to do.

Any suggestions for praying and I? We know that our H are in MLC but we feel like we really messed up. It is sad to watch my H go to work or the store and not give him a hug bc what happens if something happens to him - I still love him.

HELP??????????????????????

TLD,

If your h doesn't want to be touched, respect his wishes. Again,the ups and downs of your marriage did not make him this way. This is HIS deal.

Praying, TLD, and so many others - I'm right there with you. I made alot of mistakes, but he made his too. He acknowledges his part, but I feel that still, deep down, he continues to blame me for much more than just 50%. So very hard to not treat him like your husband anymore. All I've had were a handful of hugs since last July. That's it. I've kind of gotten past the withdrawal now, and it's just my new normal these days...Just so sad any way you look at it...

Wow. Everyone is so strong. I hope that I get there someday. It hurts that we can talk small talk until we are blue, but I cannot get near him. He cannot even look at me, I am sure from the guilt. Once he said I want a divorce in his mind he was able to move ea to pa. It hurts like a knife thru the heart to watch him court her like he did me.

Meanwhile, my family is stepping in to help for when he divorces me. I am like ummmmmm thanks... But I don't want this !!; I don't want a divorce.

I hate the selfishness of mlcers. When do I get to he selfish? I would never do that as I am a giver not taker. I swear h mlc is going to drive me to a nervous breakdown.

You will get there tld, and praying_in_georgia. We all will.

H can't look at me either. GUILT. And ditto what you said above, tld. Exactly. And I know exactly what it's like to be HER right now. He was so good to me back then. <Sigh>

We won't have a nervous breakdown if we keep rebuilding our own lives. It's hard work sometimes, but I feel like I have run right past him now (while all he did for 10 months is wallow in self-pity). And literally -- I've run right past him. I've been running again while he proceeded to gain about 10 pounds. Ha.

My H is the opposite. He is fine with the occasional hug, kiss, or even intimacy. He is, however, worried about leading me on or giving me false hope when he participates in those activities. Even doing dinner with me for my birthday made him worried I would get false hope for our future. Whatever, it's my birthday and we all eat dinner!

Today I made a passing remark about 'one day you're going to wish we were still together'. It was all part of a lighthearted joking conversation we were having about going out or something. Anyway, he looked down at me (he is 6'4" and I am 5'2"...he literally looks down) and said "Yea, you're pretty cute so I probably will." Seriously? Just shove it in your pie hole. Whatever.

So, I didn't mention he FB thing to him at all. I didn't even let on that I knew it had happened. I KNOW he is trying to get a rise out of me and that won't be the case.

As I was getting ready for work we were talking about his graduation ceremony. He only has 4 tickets (it's in Dec so many months away). He said he was thinking I could come, his parents, and his sister. I said I looked forward to it and then I could also meet some of his girlfriends. He laughed at that saying they weren't all his girlfriends...yet. He said I needed a boyfriend. Then he said we should go out together and be each others wing-man. He has this need to move us into the friends zone. Hanging out and going out like we did in 1999. He keeps mentioning that I need to date and I need to sleep with someone else so I can move past this marriage. He seriously needs to shove it.

Praying

I am so sorry that your H is being what I have determined a jerk. Removing the relationship on FB - how childish is that? All these jokes about you dating and such. He sounds like he could be related to my H. Funny how similar the stories are in these blogs. Your H is probably like mine where he gets a high from my pain, and it makes him feel more in control.

My H in the beginning would be intimate with me. Then afterwards he would say I should not have done that you will get the wrong idea - ugh why don't you just stab me right there. Then it turned to this weird thing where he would fake sleepwalk to be intimate. I let him do it for awhile, but once I discovered he was having Pa with OW, I cut it off. He still does try and I just take him back to his room. The great thing is that I can say whatever I want when I take him back to his room, because he is sleeping (I have to admit I have said some really not so nice things, and enjoyed it.) He will not have physical contact with me while he is awake since we had a huge physical altercation that he blames on me and says he is scared of me, of what I might do. UMMMMMMMMM...I did not start the fight, and I am the only one with bruises. I cannot believe a man would admit he is scared of a girl - espically since I have lost so much weight I weigh less than one of his legs.

Now his relationship with OW is hot and heavy. But he says they are still just friends. The thing is that he has something going on at work and could be fired if they relationship is found out. I feel like telling, but know he would come back to get me.

I am sorry praying that your H is putting you thru this. I hope that you are dealing with it better than I. For some reason last few days have been awful for me. I assume by your name that I can add you to my prayers. Have a great one and good luck!

So, let me ask you this. Is a live in or true separation better when it comes to saving the marriage?

H was talking about if he moved he would really only have his brother's house to go to since he doesn't have a job. I asked him what HE preferred to do. He said he would rather stay in my house. (He calls it my house since I pay the bills. I have told him it is our house but he likes this word game) He said that living in the house is awkward at times and he feels like it is preventing me from moving on as quickly as I would without him there. But, he said it is easier for him to be with the kids and to help me with the kids. He can pick them up from gym or run errands for us easier. As a bonus for him, it is also closer to his school and I have kick butt internet. His brother's house is an hour away from him school and since they live in the middle of the woods their internet is crap.

Anyway, I am feeling quite strong today. I am ready to go home and make the best of my life. I am ready to show him how amazing I am and if he chooses to leave he is the one losing out. Then I started googling separation and most articles talk about true separation as opposed to live in.

My dream is to have this whole situation end in a strong, amazing marriage that will finally stand the test of time. Of course how long this will take is not my choice but I want to make the right decisions for me, the kids, and H.

Praying,

I think it is nice if they can stay in the home-provided you don't let his antics bother you. Detach. However, sometimes people in MLC have to go out on their own. If your h wants to move , don't try to convicr him otherwise. However, let him come to that decision. Just leave him be and he either will or won't.

In regards to FB, I named dropped and unfriended my H. He was livid. I don't care. This from a man who moved out and has OW. Perspective is everything.

Thanks Georgia. That's what I was thinking. If he wants to go then he can go. If he wants to stay then he can stay. I am stronger today.

I am done with this sad, depressed, crying, baby crap. If he wants to leave then let him. I am going to be a healthy, strong, confident person from now on. I know there will be trying times in the future. Times when I want to shrivel back up into a ball and become the unattractive mess I have been and I will have to dig deep to deal with those times as they come.

Wednesday I am going to tell him to enjoy his afternoon out. I will take D8 to practice so he can stay out longer. Have fun with your friends, we don't need you home early.

If he changes his mind and wants to stay I will be the best wife a man could ask for because I know where I messed up. If he goes then the next man in my life is going to benefit from these past 10 years.

If there is't another man for a while I will date and enjoy myself and learn to live single. I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 16.

It's time to take back the power.

Something I realized this morning:

I was trying to get up to go somewhere. The kids were piled on top of me and no matter what I did they weren't moving fast enough for me (this actually happens quite often, no one wants to be the first to move). I really don't like being pinned down when I want to get up. It makes me angrier the longer it takes to convince them to move and I even get a slice of panic of I am pinned in such a way that I can't breathe (like when we are tickling or something on the floor).

I think H is probably feeling the same way. He wants to get up and go do what he has in his mind. If I am sitting there, unmoving, unyielding, not giving him his space to get up and move or even his space to breathe then he gets angrier at me. He gets more annoyed at me. And when he eventually can move he is moving as fast as he can away from me to get anywhere at that point.

I really like that analogy praying!

Originally Posted By: praying_in_GA

Thanks Georgia. That's what I was thinking. If he wants to go then he can go. If he wants to stay then he can stay. I am stronger today.

I am done with this sad, depressed, crying, baby crap. If he wants to leave then let him. I am going to be a healthy, strong, confident person from now on. I know there will be trying times in the future. Times when I want to shrivel back up into a ball and become the unattractive mess I have been and I will have to dig deep to deal with those times as they come.

Wednesday I am going to tell him to enjoy his afternoon out. I will take D8 to practice so he can stay out longer. Have fun with your friends, we don't need you home early.

If he changes his mind and wants to stay I will be the best wife a man could ask for because I know where I messed up. If he goes then the next man in my life is going to benefit from these past 10 years.

If there is't another man for a while I will date and enjoy myself and learn to live single. I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 16.

It's time to take back the power.

You sound great in this post. I can relate, I said these exact things to myself! You will have strong days and then you'll have those down days but they don't seem to last as long as time goes by. Mine left and I am stronger since he's not there anymore. I too have not been single since I was that age. I moved out at 17 from my parents house and in with H #1 and then H#2 (the one in MLC) moved in right away after my first D. Time to find yourself and your own identity. It takes time but it's good for us to be on our own awhile. I think you're right - the next relationship will benefit from what we've learned about this and ourselves.

hang in there!

Hi Praying...
I'm new here but have been dealing with a live home MLC wife for the last 10 months (since B-day, much longer than that since MLC started...years!). I gave her as much space as possible, changed all the things about myself she SAID bothered her and things were going well. Than last Dec. she uninvited me to her company X-Mass parties (both of them) and wore a dress I bought her 23 years ago, since, now that she weighs less than she did when we married 20 years ago, she can now wear and be "sexy" in. She came home from the party telling me about all the men she danced with and how "crazy" she acted. A few days later she BRAGGED that all the people that she works with thought she must have been drunk because of the way she was acting, especially around the men! For my part I stayed calm around her but I made the mistake of venting on a web site and although I didn't know it, she had read it. (And she is so worried about ME snooping around HER stuff!)

That was in Dec. and I have given her nothing but space but she has been acting worse and worse since. Took ring off, stays out all night with her new friends, neglects her kids, won't touch me, etc. I couldn't understand why as I was DB'ing things were getting worse, not better. Than last week she wanted to "talk" and she told me about reading that and it made her decide all over again, that I was the problem. Even worse, she added things to it that I didn't even write. Now, she is back saying the same stupid stuff she did at the start of all this that I had thought we had gotten past! Just remember, no matter what WE DO, they will justify their own bad behavior by blaming US for making them do these things.

I have had her tell me things like your H tells you about how it's not really your fault, she's just unhappy and needs to "find her joy" and then say it was all MY fault because of what I did; sometimes going back to things that happened 20 years ago!His jokes about "wing-man" and saying how "cute" you are are mean and demeaning TO you. My W is one of those people that hates confrontation with others and will put up with horrible people and not say one thing but seems to ENJOY saying hurtful things to me! I think they do this because we are in their way. If we would just AGREE that our marriages were "bad" and understand that WE are the ones remembering everything "wrong" then DARN IT, they wouldn't have to feel all this icky GUILT!

Telling you that you need to "date" other men is such a load of crap...don't believe for one min. that he really means this! If you were to do that all it would do is alleviate HIS guilt. Our MLC spouses KNOW that WE have values. WE value our marriages, our families, OURSELVES, all things they USED to value and know they still should (at least deep down inside)and will use these values against us to get what they think they want. He KNOWS you wouldn't just go out and date others but by telling you to he can feel better when he does this himself. My W uses the fact that I value my kids so much by using me to take care of their needs so she can go do all the things she wants...knowing that I will never allow them to suffer. This way she can know that she can do what she thinks will make her 'happy" and I'll be there to take care of them.

She keeps planning on leaving (now it's as soon as school is over in a few weeks)and while at first she was sure the kids would choose to live with her, now knows they both will stay with me if given a choice..and it no longer bothers her. She even has the audacity to tell me that IF we were to ever get back together, it would have to be slow and we would need to take our time, again, telling me how she thinks it's all MY fault or that I'm the bad guy.

When my W says things like I may find I'll be "happier" when she's gone all I can think is when did she start thinking she is responsible for my happiness or lack there of? When did being "happy" become more important than doing what is right?

Stop ever thinking like you did the other day that YOU or YOUR actions are what caused this. Believe me I've been there, done that, but it takes two people to make a marriage work or not. Since like you, my spouse is still at home I will say that I have mixed feelings about her either staying or going. In many ways I think the fact that she "feels" trapped because she is still living (no sleeping together, she sleeps and lives on the couch in the living room)together. You are doing well not responding badly to his snide, mean remarks about dating and being "friends". Why in the world would we want to be "friends" with someone who could do and say such hurtful things? My wife and I had been best friends for 24 years before all this happened. She has this sit-com idea in her head about how we all (even an OP if there is one in the picture)will someday all be such great friends and co-parents, vacationing together, doing holidays, sharing fun stories...completely disregarding the fact that she is ripping apart her family, breaking her vows, destroying everything we worked for for years, our plans for the future, all in some vain attempt to find "Joy" when all they need to do is be the spouse they should have been all along and the happiness would come! This is what your H is doing. Does he really believe anyone would choose to be friends with someone who could say and do the hurtful things he has?

I think you need to stop being intimate with him but that is up to you. Sounds like big time cake eating to me. If you aren't "good enough" for him to stay married to than he shouldn't be getting his intimate "fix" from you. Remember, men see sex differently than women. It validates men. Helps them feel good about themselves and "wanted". You really don't want him thinking that you "want" him the awful way he's been acting!

About the FB thing. I'm dreading the day that my W does this. I know it's coming! I think the only thing stopping her is the fact that our daughter would see it and she still thinks the kids are clueless as to how bad things are. I know that must have hurt and I'm so sorry he did that. Stay strong! Sorry about the long post but I've gone all the way back to your first post and I so want things to get better for you. You sound like a really great person and you deserve better. Keep working on YOU and your good will come!

Matt, I so appreciate your going back to read everything! I am amazed you made it through it all.

I am trying to see through his smoke and mirrors. Unfortunately, I am still so enamored with him that I am an easy target! The dating thing is ridiculous. I know he is trying to get me to make the move so he can cheer me on and ease his guilt. I see so many times when he is making himself feel better at my expense. Then he turns around and says he doesn't like hurting me. Today he blamed me for being hurt. He said that if I would just let go then I wouldn't hurt anymore. He is partially correct but he is also letting himself off the hook for his words and his actions.

I do still value my marriage. I still love him deeply and I still want our family together. Through all of this, I still want him to come out of this ready to be with me. Honestly, I have huge doubts this will happen. He told me he knows he is making selfish decisions and he knows he is making the wrong choices but he is going to keep doing that because he is tired of being selfless. He wants to put himself first for a change and he doesn't care about the consequences.

He told me he knows that his going into the Navy will affect the kids but there is something going on in his head. He said it's like an itch he can't scratch and he needs to try and fix it. He said he has spent the last 14 years doing for me and doing for the kids. He refuses to spend anymore time doing for everyone else and putting himself on the back burner. He said he has no idea what he will do if the Navy rejects him but he will not be happy and something will have to happen.

He told me he wants to find someone to be in love with, someone to be drawn to, someone he is interested in spending time with and being intimate with. Knife. To. Heart. Thanks man. We had that once and we could have it again if you weren't in selfish la-la land.

He said the reason he talks to his friend so much is because she gives him fun, entertaining conversation without any judgement. She likes him for him. There isn't any animosity or relationship talk. They just talk about random things and have a fun conversation. He went to her birthday party today at a restaurant. Stayed there for 4 hours. He was tagged in a pic of the group on FB. They are sitting next to each other. It made me sick. He says it is platonic but only because she has a boyfriend. If she didn't he would ask her out to see what she says. Whatever. He said she is full-filling something that we haven't had in a long time. **Yes, I took careful note of this part of the conversation**

He has also told me that his interpretation of our separation is that we are allowed to do anything that we would be able to do if divorced. We are only married on paper but emotionally and mentally we are 'divorced'.

I do agree he is cake eating right now. He is living with me because his bills are paid and I am close to school. I have the good internet and I have the whole upstairs for his use. He has his office/workout room, his bedroom, and his own bathroom. He is getting a new cell phone & plan from his brother. He said we need to start separating things. I asked when he would be getting his own health, dental, and car insurance. He got rather mad at that since he needs health insurance for school and he has no job to pay for his own. Well, bud, you wanted to separate things....but only the things that are convinient for you.

I had a bad night last night. I was a mess. Crying histerically in the bathroom, hating him, hating life, hating myself...it was pretty bad. Then I couldn't keep my mouth shut today about his luncheon with her and his picture with her. I pretty much stepped right into it for the last 24 hours.

I have been the worst db'er in the world lately and it has truly pushed him away. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try it all again.

But you must always know how long to stay....and when to go
Ain't no talkin' to this man
He's been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
It would take an acrobat
And I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly
I'm gonna let him fly

-Dixie Chicks "Let Him Fly"

Just a piece...but a piece that feels close to me.

Praying,

My h did not pay for much during our m. When he said we were just roommates and that being with me was "drowning him" and if he stayed "he would be dead by 50", I suggested we split the bills. He said that was absurd. There are consequences to our actions.

Yep! To add too that...his new number was a long distance # since his brother lives in another state. I asked him if he was planning on paying the long distance bill when we had to call him. He said "Oh, I didn't think about that. Well, just call from your cell phone then it isn't charged." I asked about the kids calling him when my phone wasn't available. He said he just wouldn't answer?!?!?! WTH?? I told him he needed to find out about getting a local # assigned to the phone since 95% of the calls he receives are from here. He said "Oh, no, when we call K from here it isn't long distance!" I had to remind him that his brother (K) has a local # as his cell #. Another "Oh, yea." So, they are looking into getting either his current # ported over or at least getting a local # assigned.

Gee, he isn't thinking things through very well now, is he?

Praying,

Everything is done with sheer emotion as no thought processes are out into planning.

I can't wait for him to get his new phone because the temptation to snoop into our phone records is too much for me to bear and I broke down again tonight. His "friend" and him text for 3 hours Sunday, 3 hours Monday (my birthday), just a bit on Tuesday (after spending 10 hours in clincial together), spent Wednesday morning in class together, went out for her birthday Wed afternoon for 4 hours, then text for another 4 hours Wed night. They have either text or seen each other or both every day since last Thursday.

Please tell me in what world a platonic friendship between a married 36 year old man and a 21 year old girl in a 'relationsip' contains 3-4 hours of texting daily?

Would you agree that this is very clearly an emotional affair?

There is no chance he will turn around to me while this is going on. She is the easy going, no pain, no past, no hard conversations person in his life....while I am the too much history, too many words, cause of all his unhappiness person in his life.

Have you ever watched the younger generation w/their phones and texting? The equipment is attached to their ears and their fingers. She is 21 and that generation is all about texting. You can't be sure that she is the only one that he is texting. He may have a number of new friends that he's in communication with.

Yes, the crisis is all about emotions and right now, he's gone back in time to that "younger" age to find what he thinks he missed out on.

Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, they both have to die a slow death and at their hands. Right now, she's stroking his ego and showing him a good time and there is no history w/them, i.e., only the present. You represent responsibility, accountability and "history". You know him like a book and can spot when he's not himself. But, some time in the future, he may turn back to you for that safe place to land. Time will tell on that and when it will happen.

The one thing that you must remind yourself each and every time you compare yourself to the girl is that you are the prize. She will never be able to replace you because you have the wisdom and strength that has held your family together. She doesn't have that w/him, i.e., it's just play time. Again, as a repeated reminder, this is all about him...not about you and you need to remember this.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Life is far too short not to live each day to the fullest.

Praying, Matt, I think you both need to establish FIRM boundaries. Right now, things are very easy for your spouses. You need to set the tone for things, do not allow your want of your marriage to succeed be a roadway into the cake-eating behavior. Part of the dynamic of the MLCer is the ability to hold on to both worlds. Cut the rope on the safe world a bit and show them a piece of how life will really be without you and your support. MLCers count on you wanting to stay married, that's why these little carrots are dropped now and again. Establish firm boundaries, and protect yourself financially at all costs!

Hang in there praying!
I am willing to bet that 99% of your conversations with H have nothing to do with R. Most are just "fun", how was your day, small talk and he probably talks more than you. I'll bet you validate him just as much or more than 21 year old does! It is the way he is using His mind that makes him feel "bad" when he talks to you and good when talking to her. I will bet you are a better partner to him now then you have been in years but it is he who refuses to see this. If he let himself see this than he would need to change his behavior and that can't be allowed to happen!

I have been a husband for 20 years and a dad for 18. For most of that time I worked while my wife had the option to either work or be a stay at home mom. I put her and my kids needs ahead of my own for all that time because that is the right thing to do! I'm not angry or upset about it. I'm not going to blame my wife and suddenly become selfish and act like a teenager! That is his CHOICE, nothing more and even if it was true he has been doing EVERYTHING for others for years, it doesn't make it right for him to throw away his marriage and hurt the people who love him most (a count on him).

I too had a bad night. Having money problems caused mainly by wife (she won't admit this) and the stress of that, my marriage, my kids, my job is weighing heavy. Hang in there. We'll both get through this. Hopefully our S's will come around in time. All we can do is try to keep DBing and pray our brains out!

Ok, I am not sure this was the right thing to do but it is done.

It has become the norm for me to text H something and he wait to respond...or never respond. It is about our kids. There is no reason to ignore me. It is rude. Whatever.

So, tonight I text and ask him if he can come home a little earlier tomorrow so I can go shopping for the kids Easter and my D2s birthday party on Sat. (He has spent the last 6 weeks going to play basketball and have lunch with his friends and not-girlfriend every Friday) I wait an hour and a half. No response.

I call the house since I need to tell the kids goodnight anyway. I ask him if he has seen my text. He says yes he has and he will see what he can do. I said that I needed a couple of hours without the kids to get the shopping done. He said he could come home and take D8 to practice (taking the other two with him) so I could go during practice. At this point I was getting angry. I told him it wasn't fair to make me miss D8s practice to go shopping so he could go see S (ow). I told him I understood that they were in the infatuation mode right now but he needed to come home and be a father as well. He diudn't take kindly to this and simply said he would see.

So, I stew for a min and send this text:
Can I ask why you refuse to respond to my texts? You just ignore me and think that is okay. It is rude and downright mean...If I were S you wouldhave responded instantly. I'm sorry I'm interfering with your life tomorrow but we both made these children and we will both continue to parent them until you leave them for the Navy.

H's response:
I'm pretty sure I'm parenting them right not.

And I open my mouth again:(He 'watches' them when I work three 12 hour night shifts...reminder, he is not working. He only goes to school and out with friends)

36 hours a week is not shared custody. You have free reign to go anywhere after school all the time. You go to lunch, basketball, wherever. I take care of them while you are out with your friends every Wednesday and Friday now. As long as you are home in time for me to go to work or for S7 to go to practice (he takes him one day a week, I take him the other), you have your freedom. You spent 4 hours at lunch on Wednesday. I spend every Friday at practice, get a 2 hour nap, then go back to practice.(I work every Wed & Thurs night 12 hours)I haven't asked you to come home in weeks. I am asking for this one day to go shopping for them and not have to miss D8s practice. I totally understand that you and S want to spend as much time together as you can. I have no issue with that...but always put your kids before her because when she is gone they will still be here waiting to see their Dad.

H reponded:
Very well said.

So, hit me with the 2x4 if you need to...did I royal step in it here?

Braveheart, your post just popped up for me for some reason. I think I may have stood up for myself tonight?? My friends have been saying he is having his cake for a while now. His bills are paid, his kids are taken care of, and he comes and goes as he pleases. He mentioned today that if he moves out (something I have been trying to avoid while also secretly kinda thinking should happen) that he would have to live between my house on the nights I work, his siters house, and his brothers house. I instantly thought to myself "Why am I not letting this happen? He needs to see how this would be. He has no job, no income, nowhere to live. He is here with me where his bills are paid, his insurance is covered, he is close to school, he has good internet to do his school work. He is sitting pretty with a girl on the side."

Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

Praying,

Everything is done with sheer emotion as no thought processes are out into planning.

I once asked him if he would ever tell me he had made a mistake or he had feelings for me again. He responded with "I seem to react with emotion so I am sure I will....if just to give you the satisfaction of telling me to eff off."

Your response made me giggle.

Originally Posted By: job

Have you ever watched the younger generation w/their phones and texting? The equipment is attached to their ears and their fingers. She is 21 and that generation is all about texting. You can't be sure that she is the only one that he is texting. He may have a number of new friends that he's in communication with.

Yes, the crisis is all about emotions and right now, he's gone back in time to that "younger" age to find what he thinks he missed out on.

Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, they both have to die a slow death and at their hands. Right now, she's stroking his ego and showing him a good time and there is no history w/them, i.e., only the present. You represent responsibility, accountability and "history". You know him like a book and can spot when he's not himself. But, some time in the future, he may turn back to you for that safe place to land. Time will tell on that and when it will happen.

The one thing that you must remind yourself each and every time you compare yourself to the girl is that you are the prize. She will never be able to replace you because you have the wisdom and strength that has held your family together. She doesn't have that w/him, i.e., it's just play time. Again, as a repeated reminder, this is all about him...not about you and you need to remember this.

Keep the focus on you and your family. Life is far too short not to live each day to the fullest.

Job, as usual, you hit the nail on the head here. He is going back to his missed dating time. See, I was his first girlfriend. His first kiss. His first...everything. I have often wondered when he would get curious as to what he has missed and go looking. He was 22 when we started dating, 26 when we got married, 28 when we had our first child, 29 when we had our second....He went from never dating to married and kids. Now he chooses a 21 year old to entertain him during this time in his life. And he is getting affirmation from more 20-somethings in his classes. He loves to tell me what nicknames they have for him and how they fawn all over him.

I think it is interesting how open I am about his friend. I told him tonight I know they are in the infatuation stage right now and he wants to spend time with her. I remember that stage....

Thank you for the boost. I DO need to start looking at myself as a prize. I have very low self confidence and self esteem.

I love my family and I love my husband. I just want my happily ever after...and that may not be with him afterall.

So, of course now that the moment has passed I am very nervous about my outburst last night. No one here has responded and I almost feel like I have really messed up. I probably should have kept my mouth shut and just told him not to worry about it but I feel like such a doormat some days. He is just coming and going as he pleases, texting S all the time... all the while I am the one working and paying all of the bills. I am paying for the phone he is using to talk to her (for now, will change probably today), the internet he uses to do his school work, the water, the power, the rent....everything! He is just going to school, flirting with his girlfriend, and watching me go crazy.

My entire life revolves around the kids. If I am not asleep for the night or work, I am homeschooling, taking them to pratice, taking them to meets, taking them to do things, and working. That is my life...sleep-gymnastics-work-homeschool. He is out with friends, getting to know a new love interest, playing basketball, eating more lunches out than I have had in a year...

It's feeling very one-sided right now and I am starting to feel very 'used'. He can't afford to move out and he can't afford to help me pay for anything. He is trying to get a job but no calls back yet. The only reason he is still here is because he has no solid place to go.

Sigh. If anyone can help, I am feeling lost right now. Please read the first post on this page and offer up some advice?

You said what was on your mind yesterday, so let it go. Like a teenager, he heard you and it went in one ear and now out the other. He knows what he's doing is wrong and yet, it has to continue on his journey.

The one thing you need to stop is telling him that he is in the infatuation stage w/the ow. The ow is nothing more than a Band-Aid and you've got to stop bringing her up. You are putting too much focus on her and she's not renting space in your head. You've got more important things to think about like your children and what you need to do to stay sane.

No, it's not fair that he's out and about and enjoying life, but there's nothing you can do about it. The more you complain or point out the things he's not doing, the more determined he is going to be to do what he wants.

Put your focus on your children, your child's birthday and Easter. What do you have planned for the weekend? Are you and the children going to visit family?

Praying -- I finally said what I had to say to my H - after 10 months of silence - and I felt better afterward. Of course, I second-guessed myself too, in the days that followed. But, it's done. And whatever happens now, happens. I know he hears me, but it might not really matter to him, until maybe later on sometime...

Hey Praying.
Stop beating yourself up over this. He needs to start to see that the fantasy he has about life without you is just that, a fantasy! I do agree you need to stop bringing up OW. She isn't the actual problem, his actions are. You need to remember something that has taken me a long time to really get.....it's not about you! It's not about your marriage being either "good" or "bad" (my wife likes to talk about our marriage like its a "thing". It was "bad" and there's nothing that can be done about THAT), or anything you did or didn't do. It's about the fact that your H is hurting and wants it to stop and you MUST be the problem because if you aren't, than it must be him!

Like you I have had to take over most of the hard work of our marriage. My W does almost nothing except laundry on weekends and thinks that makes her a great mom and she's doing her part. I like you are starting to get to the point where I think until my S leaves, she may never understand the truth. In my case SHE (for the first time in 20 years) is making the money. (Company I worked for closed and before B-day wife agreed I should start a new company knowing it would be a couple years where I wouldn't make much money. Now she wants to leave me pennieless) so be thankful you are in a good financial position!

He needs to hear the hard truth sometimes. He needs to at least do something for you and the kids if he wants to stay and get his bills paid and a roof over his head. You did fine except for talking about OW. Don't let him think you see her as anything but a joke. Doesn't she have a "boyfriend"? Sounds to me like an excuse for her not to take things farther with him if you ask me! He may just be being used by HER and he's being HER fool!

Well, got home this morning...actually not looking forward to seeing what was going to happen. He was already awake and ready to go. He asked me what time I wanted him home. I told him 2:00 would be great. He said okay. He said He was surprised I put his thoughts into words. I said oh really? He said yea, that has been bouncing around in his head for a while now. I thought to myself "Wow! This is a shock...." Then he said this..."Yea, she probably is gone at the end of the year and you're right the kids will still be here waiting on me." I just sat there....really wanting to say probably?!?! He told me they don't talk about her boyfriend and they don't talk about a relationship. He said he is not going to get between her and her boyfriend...he has done that before and he was hurting for a year over that (while I made my decision on what to do with my life between him and my bf). He said he knows 'they' wouldn't last but it is different from his current everyday so that's enough for him. He said he is in a weird place right now and he is making random decisions and doing different things but that he really needs a job. He is desperate for a job right now. Then he said it is weird talking to me about her and he needed to get to school.

OMG, hahaha! Job was right....the only thing that stuck was that his ow was going to leave him after school let out. She is 21, you are 36...she has her whole life ahead of her and you have a wife & three kids and a vasectomy. Did you think you two were going to ride off into the sunset???

He is a teenager living a fantasy life while I am taking care of his responsibilities and holding his hand.

I told him yes he does need a job because I will need some money from him this summer. The power bill is high here and I will have to choose between food and power. He laughed and said 'yea, we need to eat.'

And that was that.

Her bf lives in another state. She visits him often over the weekends. So she has her physical, public bf in that state and back home she has this sad older man fawning over her.

Oh, and I know I need to drop the talk about the ow... It was just too much fun to stop sugar coating it. I know why he was angry about leaving school earlier than normal and there is no point in pretending. THEN he drops this... "I was texting A (another school friend) at sons practice last night... Just in case someone tells you I was on the phone the whole time." I have met her and she seems nice so I asked how she was doing. He said she is good. I asked if he "liked" her as well well and he said "Yea but she has a boyfriend too... But she doesn't like him. She's the one that gives me all of the nicknames."

Ooookay then... I just lol at this crap now. Go on with your teenage hormone dreams. Like away... None of them can touch me.

Praying,

Sometimes we have to say what we feel. Then, move on. My suggestion would be to stop discussing OW or potential OW (or women). I'm sure you are under a tremendous amount of stress doing most everything. I will tell you something. I don't homeschool, however I do everything else. And while I get tired and frustrated sometimes, my h was of zero help. He is in his own world and still manages to make each discussion about him and how he's been victimized.

Just leave your h alone. I know it's ridiculous watching them. My h has a double date with his 28gf and his new "best" friends who are 24 and 26. So how does the almost 41 yr old man with 3 kids fit in? Just let your h walk his walk and you focus on you and the kids. I promise that once you expect nothing from your h , you will feel more relaxed and happy.

He's moving out tomorrow.

Praying - I'm sorry to hear he's moving out. I do know how much easier it finally was for me when my H moved out about a month after bomb drop. (He's still at his sister's after 9 months. Can't believe she hasn't kicked him out yet.) I could finally breathe a little easier and do what I had to do to deal with the situation emotionally. I would have been a total wreck if he had stayed. Praying for you, Praying_in_GA...

Be strong, Praying! Where is he going? Where does a jobless student plan on moving to? Is he going to help with the kids or is he just going to dump all his responsibility to his family? I am only a few short weeks from my W leaving and I know it's hard but it may be for the best. Until he knows what he is leaving behind its all just fantasy to him. Reality may be the kick in the butt he needs. He has been cake eating and will get very hungry without it. Remember, you are not alone and we here will be praying for you!

I am sorry to hear the news, but not surprised. He needs to be out on his own to learn about life and discover that he needs to get a job in order to eat and do the things he likes to do. He's been cake eating for quite some time and you've been the one to carry the load. Time for him to grow up.

It will take you a while to get use to being on your own, but once you do, you'll find out just how much egg shell walking you've been doing.

Please continue to post...you are going to need the support as you go through this.