I think that ow you talk about in your past thread has low self esteem and he's just using her. It is something new and exciting and it wears off. We tend to think about it and over analyze it too much. It hurts to think about so I try and think about other things or find something to do to keep me busy. I know in my heart that the OW does not mean as much to him and is not the woman I am. How could she be - YOU have the history with him. There are reminders of us LBS everywhere. There's no way he faked all that love for so long, no way. At least you know in your heart that you have done all you can. Definitely going to be ups and downs for a long time. I read in another post to pretend that OW doesn't exist. I stopped looking at her, at first I was curious, looked up FB, linkedin, google+, saw on the phone bills the messages that were sent(not the content, just that they were sent) and it's just upsetting. I know i'm better than her and you are too. As far as I'm concerned she's getting a crazy person right now. I don't want him this way anyway.
CC,
You're such strong lady. You will be fine.
I'm reaching the point where I'm giving myself a lot of credit for parenting as I have and hanging in with someone who was so damaged for so long. I suspect you are reaching that point too.
I'm seeing how exhausting he was to be married to. I was tired all the time. All the time. Being with him wasn't energizing, it was draining.
It's like someone wiped the film off the glass and I can see my marriage as it really was, my H for who he really is. Funny isn't it? Our Hs see only the bad things after the fact, I saw only the good things during. Now, I'm facing both honestly, the good and the bad. In some ways, we had a marriage better than most...but, I definitely wouldn't settle for better than average anymore.
We had a good marriage and loved each other. Yes there were issues, both his and mine, but we loved each other. I just don't understand him throwing it all away.
Having said that, I've just spent the evening listening to his rambling. His aggression (not towards me), his egomania. I feel physically sick from it and I'm having an early night.
But I miss my husband. I miss that loving man.
Yes during MLC they are the definition of egomaniacs.
I have recommended to others on the boards to read Alec Baldwins article to NY Magazine about why he is leaving public life. It is an insane article. Pages and pages on how everyone did him wrong this year from Shia Laboef, to the papparazzi to MSNBC. It is truly egomaniacal insanity.
But its very well written and entertaining. He also uses actual facts and exagerates them and takes them out of context. For me it was a window inside my xH selfish mind.
You are doing great. And how blessed are you to have 2 beautiful girls.
Thanks Bklyn I'm reading that article.....wow, that man needs therapy!
Had a terrible sleep last night. H stayed over and he didn't sleep either....separate beds. When he woke he's started talking about his housemate is moving his girlfriend in. I asked what his plans were but he said he had no choice but to stay. I suspect he'll move in with OW very soon. Ouch, that stings.....but I've heard this is a good thing.....explain??? Give me hope.
I really don't feel detached today. Most of my anxiety is related to OW having contact with my kids....not losing H. But I'm worrying about the future and I need to think in the moment.
This just all feels like a mess.
In some ways I feel H getting closer to me but then I remember he has OW and that maybe he's being nice to me out of guilt/shame/cake eating......
He's just not the man I knew. He's so aggressive....in the way he talks, not towards me. Such an ego......He thinks himself such a big shot and then talks himself down as if he's stupid. I validate him, listen and praise when possible.....but I listened for so long last night I felt sick and had to go to bed early.
Wow it's been a while and things have really changed. I've gone NC with. H. It's only been a week and it's helping me a lot. I've told him I know about OW, so I'm not keeping the secret anymore.
H has stopped my money and sacked me from our business, I'm not sure how this will pan out at the moment but I'm trying to keep in the moment and not freak out. I've applied for lots of jobs and fingers crossed one comes soon.
The kids have had NC with. H for a week and they seem much better for it. This makes me very sad. Firstly because I hadn't realised how much his behaviour was affecting them. I knew they were suffering but I out it down to him being gone, not his day to day behaviour. Secondly because I want them to have a daddy in their life. I don't want them growing up with that missing from their lives.
Personally I'm doing really well. I'm not as anxious as my last post. I'm trying to live in the moment as much as possible. I'm loving my kids......sounds silly but my focus has been on h so long, it's nice focusing on them.
Hey CC! I'm glad you stopped in to let us know what is going on.
I'm sorry friend.
I can relate to your situation. If I can do this, so can you. We are tough ladies and we will not be defeated by their problems.
Personally I'm doing really well. I'm not as anxious as my last post. I'm trying to live in the moment as much as possible. I'm loving my kids......sounds silly but my focus has been on h so long, it's nice focusing on them.
I don't think it sounds silly at all. I think it sounds human. You have tried your best to hold you family together. He isn't cooperating. So, not it's time to let go for your own sanity.
I'm a little further down the road in terms of the time on this journey and my kids have had almost 2 years of very little contact with their dad. They are fine. In the beginning, having no father in their lives broke my heart. Now, I'm seeing that many children have less than ideal situations--no family is perfect--and, in some ways, my kids are luckier for having their broken father living away from them. They have the time and space to grieve and recover from the loss.
So many kids are stuck in situations where they are forced to spend time daily with very broken parents--those are the kids I hurt for. My kids have my support, love and, most of all, a safe place to feel whatever they feel without having to walk on eggshells.
Much Much Love,
Heather
Thanks Heather
I had a terrible nights sleep last night. I had D6 in my bed and she was sad but doesn't want to see or speak to her daddy. We laughed about it but it still hurts me. She needed to know she could feel hurt and still laugh and be ok. I think it hurts me more because I know that, at the moment, it is probably best that they aren't near him right now. His ever changing personality isn't a stable environment for them. I struggle with thinking this because I don't want it to be about me. I don't think it is. I'd love nothing more than my kids to have their lovely daddy back, but this H isn't that man. Yes he loves them but he's so sketchy and self absorbed that he cant concentrate on them the way he needs to. He doesn't have the energy, the focus..... But he wasn't a capable father for a long time before he left us and I'd have happily let him look after the kids then.....I feel confused.
It feels like there is no right answer. If I listen to the kids and don't force them to see him then he misses out and so do they, plus I get no break. If I force them to see him they will be OK around him but I will have to pick up the pieces afterwards and watch them go backwards. If I go along with what he wants then I'd have to see him again, which I don't want. Plus hes likely to introduce the kids to OW, which is going to be a complete nightmare for D6 and I'm sure D5 will internally be hurting. Although D5 has never said she doesn't want to see H, she has shown real improvement in this week she's been away from him and she refuses to speak to him at all.
D5's most recent and heartbreaking comment was "its quiet without daddy" to which I replied "do you want to call daddy? I know he misses you very much". "No, I like the peace. Its very loud when daddy is here". Then she cuddled in for dear life. My poor babies....but I understand what she means. Hes gone from never speaking to talking none stop. I find it so hard to listen to, its all mememe and all attention seeking.
When will this ever end?
OK moan over back in the moment!
CC
Sorry for your pain
I understand it all too well
It is heartbreaking for our kids to lose their dad..A dad that was once loving,
attentive and available
I have accepted there is no real solution for us except to accept the fact that XH is gone..I know it hurts my kids on some level.. But it has been a while since contact with their dad and they have let him go accepting the fact that he may be "sick"
mentally which I believe is the truth.One the other the hand the house is peaceful and positive..and both children now 12 and 18 have friends and do well in school with no behavior problems.We are 7 years post bomb
That is my story..I do hope your and your kids can find a common ground and be able to have a R with their Dad although it will be different
I believe MLC men and women are way different in D than usual people
Because they sam to go off the deep end..the R with the kids seems to struggle more
so what would appear like a happy ending in most D and co-parenting does not apply here
we have to make the new normal in our families with a MLC parent
Good luck
peace
As the H of a WAS whose father left her family when she was 10 (he was definitely MLC! Her brother was 6 at the time), had almost no contact with her and the little she did was almost always "bad" (he did awful things, never paid Child support, drug the divorce out 10 years so the kids would be of age and he could keep as much money away from exW as possible, put his business in OW's name to keep out of divorce, married OW after divorce was final and didn't bother to even tell his daughter, her GF had to tell her, the list goes on)and now that she is having an MLC of her own, he has been "helping" her any way he can to get her to leave me and her kids. He is the only person who thinks she is doing the right thing, tells her that the only way to "grow" and be "happy' is on her own as being married will only hold her back (she is 47!).
This man NEVER got out of his MLC. He told her 7 years ago that he wanted to make up for all the bad he had done (after his father died)but only her, NOT her husband and kids as he felt she was wasting her life as a stay at home mother! My W has wanted his love and respect her whole life and could never get it. It hurt her, gave her trust issues, affected every part of her life. Now she see's a way to get that love but to get it, she has to do what HE did and in her MLC rattled mind it's her chance!
Sometimes it's better to keep the kids as far away from the MLCer as possible. We all want our kids to have a good relationship with both parents but I have seen the damage they can cause, damage that is now costing my W dearly! Be careful and I wish you the best.
CC, so sorry to hear that your kids hurt by H’s behavior. There is nothing you can do except to help them through this and hope that they will adjust.
What do you mean by “H has stopped my money and sacked me from our business”? Is he paying you some child support money? Did you consult an attorney about this? Sorry if I missed this from your previous posts.
H has stopped my money and sacked me from our business,
You need to get an attorney, now, to protect your rights. I don't know how the laws in your country will protect you, but you need to do this as soon as possible.
Thanks guys
No contact with H this week. I took the kids to see him on Sunday for a few hours and its been nothing but drama from D6 since. H wouldn't make any arrangements to see the kids, so I made the decision to take them to see him. The kids then wouldn't go with him alone, so I took them to the park for a few hours to play with him. H cried a lot, the kids cried a lot. They were just so confused. I've had to answer some very adult questions from D6 again....I didn't think there were any more adult questions she could possible ask.
I'm very conscious to let her talk as much as she wants to. I absolutely never tell her to stop, never refuse to answer. I do tell her some things are 'adult' and not for her to worry about BUT that if she is worried I am happy to talk about it.
I'm feeling the consequences of 'be careful what you wish for'. I didn't want any contact with H, and now I have none I'm panicking. I feel terribly for my kids, as I know they love their daddy, but they are so affected by his behaviour every time they spend time with him.
I'm having a really down day today. I dreamt about H all night and have woken exhausted and fed up. I absolutely know this feeling wont last, but it bites hard when I've been doing so well. These backwards days are all part of the journey, but they aren't my favourite days.
*HUGS* CC,
I remember when my parents divorced when I was a kid... for years and years my mother kept the secret of just how badly my father behaved with her, and with me behind my back, both to salvage his reputation and not to put me through any more stress. She finally told me all about it last week when I found myself in a similar situation. My grandma went through it also, although albeit being from a different generation, she stayed with grandpa.
I have nothing but HUGE respect for women who have to go through this stuff having to hold back their feelings for the sake of the children involved. You're awesome. Just thought you should know!