What a great weekend with some amazing friends! Over the weekend, I was thinking about many of you that are here, posting and working sooo hard to save your marriages. I applaud you.
I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts over the past few weeks. Some of this may be a bit of a ramble; however, I believe that some of you may find it useful.
I have entitled this post….. The star is inside of you.
There is no magic bullet, magic pill, set of actions, set of words or specific post that can ensure that your marriage will be saved. Not one. The advice that you receive here will vary. Some will be very related to your specific sitch – some will not. I see a lot of people still focused on your spouse. Still focused on what they do, do not do, say, do not say, act, their actions. I understand this, I was there at one point too. What I feel is missing is the “work” that is needed to FIX YOU. We say often around here…”we didn’t break ‘em so we can’t fix ‘em”. So ask yourself – do you still believe that? Do you? Are you still worrying about every word you say, every step you take, every action you do? Do you still live a life walking on eggshells? Do you live in FEAR? Do you worry if you should leave the bedroom, take off the wedding band, make dinner, do the laundry, go to work? Does you every decision get run through a process where you think…….”what is my spouse gonna think or say”? Do you try and overcompensate for your crazy spouse? Do you do everything for the kids…to protect them? Have you totally devalued yourself? Have you tossed aside your own needs and wants? Do you walk around in guilt? Do you really think that…..that time, 10 years ago that your forgot the cranberry sause on Turkey day that it cause your spouse to wig out? If so, why?
I can go on and on about the stuff people have written, the post I have responded to and have read. Heck I was there too. IMO, the root of all of this is one word.
FEAR
When you come here…you are afraid, afraid of everything your spouse does, is doing, saying, etc. The answer to the issue though is NOT YOUR spouse – it really is YOU!
Stop for a second and ask yourself…..
Why am I afraid my spouse may leave?
Why am I afraid my spouse may divorce me?
Why are you afraid? Can you answer it honestly? Do you understand and know the root of YOUR fear? Yeah..yeah..yeah…I get it…”the kids”, “our family”, “our friends”……”the house”….”the finances”… I get it.
These ^^^ though are SURFACE answers. They do not get at the ROOT of the issue. Why are you so worry about the house? Do you think you will not be able to afford it? Do you think that you will not be able to maintain it? Do you love your neighbors? Do you just love that “woofy” your dog can walk around and all of your neighbor adore him? Stop for one second and ask yourself…… “what do these FEARS say about ME”. Can you see how you are devaluing yourself? Can you see how you may be assuming a deafist attitude? Can you see that in reality…..YOU WANT to CONTROL EVERYTHING.
CONTROL….. we like it. It is safe. It allows us to put everything in a little box. IMO, some levels of control KEEP US STUCK. They keep us from LOOKING INSIDE and facing OUR FEARS. So we cling to them. We figure out nice ways to hide behind them. Do you really think you can control everything? Do you really think that what you do, do not do, say, do not say….will CONTROL how your spouse acts? Now, I am not saying that your actions may not impact someone else. I am not saying that a love and compassion do not help heal, promote happiness, etc. No. What I am saying is that STANDING for your marriage does not mean that YOU ACCEPT that you are treated like dog poop. What I am saying is that YOU cannot spend every waking moment in FEAR of EVERYTHING YOU DO. At the end of the day, you cannot control your spouse. At the end of the day….NONE OF YOU, NO ONE ON THESE BOARDS, NO ONE….can make your spouse wake up, come home, become a better person. Some of you may say I know this. My response to you is….so what are YOU really doing for YOU.
IMO, doing the “work” is about facing YOUR FEARS. It is about, letting go of the notion that YOU can control everything. Doing the work…mean that you look inside. I will use my life, my journey as an example……
Some of you have read my journey, at least what was posted. I was an abused child. My mother was…well not the greatest. I was pretty messed up. At one point I become a drug addict. I was put away as a kid. I was homeless for a short period of time. I was broken. So…what does one do, HE CONTROLS. He controls how close he allows people to get. He manipulates his relationships, he keeps everyone at a distance. He carries around a ton of guilt. He lives in TOTAL FEAR and he USES CONTROL to manage that fear. He thinks….well if I am good H, or a good worker..that I can control the outcome of my job, my marriage. Now, I am not saying one should not be a good H, or a good employee. Nope. I am using this as an example of how sometime we control things. The control….keeps us from looking inside. Lemme give a few specific examples:
Specific to me….I tried to control everything. I’ve listed a few examples as reference for some of you.
I became super DAD. I did everything for my kids. My ex would leave at 5am and come home at 11pm. I did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, house work, a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids – pretty much a full time single parent. Although I do not regret it….i could have done things differently. Allow me to explain….. being as busy as I was with the kids, was in a small way, helpful in keeping me from looking inside. You see, I felt that I needed to protect them, I felt that I needed to control what they saw, what they heard, I wanted them to NOT have any pain from the divorce. I tried to CONTROL IT. ALL OF IT. Yes, some of you may say…it was for a good reason. My response to that is…was it? YOU really cannot control everything. The kids, will at some point FEEL this. They will feel the issue that are going on in the household. They will feel the stress of your spouse actions. YOU really cannot CONTROL it. You may think you can but all you are really doing is postponing it. Needless to say, I kept controling the sitch…take the kids here…make sure they did not see mom monster on me. The control prevent me from FACING MY FEARS. FEAR of what you may ask….
FEAR of….
Could someone like me really be a good parent, would the kids no longer love me, would the kids grow up to be F’ed up, fear of FEELING like maybe I was really a crappy dad, fear of what they would think of me? FEAR….that DEEP DEEP DOWN INSIDE…..I DID NOT BELIEVE IN ME! Yep…the deep issue that really needed to be deal with was ME. I did not believe in ME. I used everything else, the kids, my sitch, everything to HIDE from facing and learning about ME.
FEAR of….
Facing my role in the demise of the M. What did I do wrong? Why was all of this my fault or was it? Was I done? Why wasn’t I done? Why did ex wife have an OM? Was that my fault? To deal with some of these fears I controlled. I controlled how I felt. I did things, said things, did not do things….all for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. The bigger question was WHY? What was I afraid of? When I really started digging I did not like some of the answers that I found. I was fearful of: losing my house, change, change in my lifestyle, change in my income. Would I find someone? Could I find someone? Did I really love my w? What did love mean to me? Hell could someone like me even really love?
Finding the answers to these questions was painful. It required me to face every single one of these fears. It is no easy, fellow posters. Not easy at all. IMO, though….if you do not do it YOU will never really find your true self, your true happiness. When I started to dig, I realized – yes I did love my ex. Yes, I was capable of love, I also realized…..that I did not really KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF. That I based my own sense of SELF on what other thought, said, felt. That I had hid for a long, long time behind a viel of FEAR. When I finally learned how to love myself, learned how to ACCEPT EVERYTHING about myself….well then I was FREE. Free to choose for ME.
I have a seen a lot of poster post very similar questions ….
1) Should I leave the house? Should I leave the master bed room? My answer to these is this….WHY do YOU want to leave or stay? Are you staying because you are afraid? Afraid that you are not strong enough? YOU can! You are strong enough! You will survive this! Only though if you really look inside and UNDERSTAND why you feel the way you DO. It is only then, can you make choices that are NOT based in FEAR. It is only then that you can determine if you are done or not done.
2) Am I am done? I think I am done? I want to be done? MY answer – Define done. What does it really mean? Why does it even need a definition? Why put yourself in a box? Personally, I think it is our way of controling everything and as I have said….IMO, CONTROL is just a way for US to NOT have to FACE our FEARS. IMO, you can be done. You can change mind later. You actually do not even have to decide today, tomorrow….YOU can JUST LIVE. Live a happy life. Make a promise to YOURSELF that I CHOOSE happiness. Let go of the darn need to control everything. YOU CAN’t. Can you really control what your ex does? If you end up getting divorced – can you control what the judge says, his/her attny says – NO. YOU CANNOT. ACCEPT THIS! Instead of using the energy trying to figure out if you are done..use it to figure YOU out. Use it to understand yourself and accept your own fears. Use the energy to sit down and really figure out what you want and WHY? The star that you look for….the answer to all of YOUR questions is really inside of YOU.
3) Do I confront H or W about OM/OW? What do YOU really want to do? Better yet – why? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid they may leave? Are you afraid you will piss them off? Are you afraid they may file? Do you really think you can control it? FACE your FEAR! Why are you afriad? What is the root of the fear? Is it that you never really valued yourself? Is it that you are afriad if they leave how you will put food on the table? If so, is that who YOU really want to be? Dbing DOES NOT say you should be treated like crap. It is about health boundaries. Are you afriad to tell your spouse to stop texing OM/OW in front of you? Why? YOU matter! You are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT too. YOUR feeling do matter. Now I am not saying that you should confront today, tomorrow…what I am saying is UNDERSTAND why you are making the choice you are making. Cause if it is the result of FEAR – you have not address the real issue. FACE your fears.
I can go on and one with all sort of examples: The key point that I want to make to many of you is…..
Inside of you is a star! That star is your guiding light. Not me, not another poster. YOU. YOU are your guiding light. Ya just have to get past the fear. You just have to ACCEPT YOU, learn to LOVE you, Choose happiness over everything else. Find the issues and fears that you have and then slay them – one at a time. They may not go away today…but just knowing what they are EMPOWERS you to make choices that are TRUE to YOU. You are star! Every single answer to your question is inside you.
If you work on you – fully – if you totally commit YOU to YOURSELF, to healing YOUR core. You will be happy. You will have an inner peace and joy.
Stop looking at your spouse – focus on you and face your fears!
Life is a river…..it flows…it changes….. YOU can’t control it.
LOVE this Eric!
This is so, so true...exactly what my counselor is helping me with! Learning to face your fears, value your self worth, knowing how to set boundaries not just in marriage but in life and becoming closer to God!
Thanks for posting and I hope all of us will be able to reach where you are at now!
This is brilliant Eric thank you. No fear. That's how I want to live. You made me see how much I still look towards h instead of looking right smack in the face of me.
No fear.
A long time ago, after explaining my situation to a counselor, she paused a moment and asked me one question:
"What are you so afraid of?"
.......
Good stuff, Eric. A little wordy for me, but probably not Mach.
Eric,
A very thought provoking posting. I do hope that each and every poster will come to this thread and read what you have posted.
The old saying "you have nothing to fear but fear itself" is so very true.
Wonderful words, Eric. Thanks for taking the time to write them down.
As my sig line says, the enemy is fear.
Life is a river .. It flows ... It changes
Love that
Thanks
How can I keep that post somewhere permanent so I can read it every day..
What I have been tossing around today..
as to staying busy so I don't have to think. ? Classic..a lifetime of practice with that one..
Eric, thanks so much ...you are so right ...what you are saying is exactly what I am trying to do. Just so hard when you have lived life a certain way for 20+ years. I loved it the way it was and fear change.
Love this Eric. I really needed the reminder today
Wonderful words, my friend. You rock!
Eric,
Nice job of pulling together all of the human emotions into one page....not easy! It is a journey, not a destination. It is important to follow your own pace that you are MOST comfortable with as you go through each stage in facing your fears and making the courageous changes for YOU. We cannot RUSH this process.
Fear consumed me. It still does some times. But i see it now i feel it and sense it. Im still learning me. I forget that i have strenghts. U know, its human nature to focus on the negatives. Specially after peeing myself after a long ride hahahaha oh man what weekend. Love you brother
CW – Thank you. It really is a process and it is in many ways different for each person. Each of us has our own issues to deal with in our own timeline. IMO, the key is just to recognize the fear and see if you can dig deep to really understand where it is coming from. You may not always be able to “fix” it per se..but you can recognize it and teach yourself better ways to deal with it. Hope all is well you with.
Bustingout –
No fear. That's how I want to live. You made me see how much I still look towards h instead of looking right smack in the face of me.
If that is what you want….then really just try and live it. Step by step, day by day. For me, I found that if I really spent all my time looking inside myself, that I really did not have any time or energy for that matter worrying about what my ex was or was not doing. That’s not to say, that some of her actions did not pis* me off. They did. I just learned to feel it, recognize why I was feeling what I was feeling and then I just let it go. Now, that may seem easy – but it is not. As long as YOU know that you are doing your best. That is all that really matters. Never lie to yourself. Learn to be brutally honest with yourself..even if it hurt. THe end result (at least for me) was that you really get to know YOU.
Drew – my man! That was actually a short post 
Job – I hope people will read it too.
Labug – thank you for stopping by…FEAR is indeed the enemy. Man, I can remember being paralyzed by it. Held freaking hostage, lying to myself…once ya face it..man do all sort of bells and whistle start to go off. Congrats on your piecing – good luck. I’ve kept an eye on your posts..you have all the tools you need.
BkylnMom – My first response is ……”Yo Brooklyn!” LOL. How often do we fight change? I know I did a lot and hell sometimes still do. Learning to really just go with the flow (not to be mistaken for sitting around and waiting for things to happen)…and just enjoy life is a freeing experience. Ya know, I tell my fiancé this all the time. We all worry about work, finances, kids,…life. Why? There is only but so much we can really change or control. So I just try to live it the best way I can.
Loualea – You really do not need the post. Just promise yourself to be honest with yourself, to understand the really reason for why you feel the way you do, promise yourself to always try and be positive. To always do the right thing. Everything else will kinda fall into place in it’s own time. It’s not like..if I do x, y and Z – then 123 will happen. It’s more like…”I’m gonna be happy today and live the best way I can”.
Tbm4evr – you are welcome. “what you are saying is exactly what I am trying to do”. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. Reading your response reminding me of something someone use to say to me – “to try is to fail – to do is to succeed”. Hmmm…as I think about it, what comes to mind is that remove the word “try” from your statement and just …be YOU. Never try to be perfect, just be the authentic YOU. Believe it or not. That really is enough.
3boyzmom – Your welcome.
Gabbysmom – Thank you. I have some of the same challenges that many of us have. Kids drama. Baby mama drama. All sorts of chit. I think the biggest difference is….I understand me…and I love me (I know sounds conceited – I’m not). I ACCEPT me for me. I ACCEPT that I will make mistakes. I ACCEPT that I will always be a work in progress. I ACCEPT that I can choose to lie to myself – I choose not too. You GM are a success as are many of you.
uRworthy – You know me ohh so well. You and other pushed me and pushed me. For that I am forever grateful! If I rock…well then you…ummm…”super rock”. Or “totally rock”…maybe “totally rock like a super rock”. Ya know…sometime I wish people really understood just how special you are. BTW, just wondering….want a blueberry muffin (inside joke).
Wonka – Yes we cannot rush it. We also should not postpone it either. In terms of being comfortable with the pace. I agree on one hand on the other….I say…do not let the feeling of uncomfortable stop you from digging deep. That was my problem. It was too painful for a while….actually a long while. It was much easier to stay the course and in my little comfort zone. Stepping out was, at least for me, the best thing I did. Oh BTW, you ever gonna respond to me on your last thread?
Nit84 – thank you.
Rick1963 – My brother from another mother….FTR, I really can’t believe you peed yourself. I was cracking up though. Fear is always gonna be around. Chit I still face it – often – but I do not run from it, rather I really try to understand it. Learning oneself takes time. Much like, my comment life is a river. We are too like a river. How we feel today may or may not be how we feel tomorrow. So why in the world do we limit our thinking? Why do we put ourselves in a box? So life, like each of us…are and will continue to change OR then again I guess we could remain stuck. Love ya bro. See you soon.
Eric,
Oh BTW, you ever gonna respond to me on your last thread?
At my own pace and on my own terms.
just learned to feel it, recognize why I was feeling what I was feeling and then I just let it go. Now, that may seem easy – but it is not.
This is it. Recognizing it is the key, and then asking why am I feeling this, what is this pain really saying to me?
Eric and Rick, I laughed this weekend til I almost peed MY pants. Just sayin....You guys are amazing, funny, exceptional people.
Eric, thank you for your kind words, really and truly. So glad to be able to call you friend. Boy, what a conversation during our hours and hours in the car. Such good stuff.
You have looked fear right in the eye, stared it down, took the air out of it.
We will always have things we fear at different times of our lives, but, it is all in how you confront it that matters.
When we become who we were meant to be, when we realize our strength and our courage, it is then that we can challenge it.
By looking at it full on, analyzing it, dissecting it, until it loses its power.
Eric, thanks so much ...you are so right ...what you are saying is exactly what I am trying to do. Just so hard when you have lived life a certain way for 20+ years. I loved it the way it was and fear change.
TBM, I know what you speak of, and this is NORMAL! I said the same things. It takes time to accept, to let go, to adjust. Please be gentle on yourself as you travel on your journey. I know it's difficult to see now, but you really will be ok in the end. Focus on you.
Thanks eric. Your posts are always a treasure, and this one was spectacular.
Eric,
After my MLC I came up with the following saying.
"livin the answers"
You, Eric are a wonderful mantra to that. You were hard on me when I first came here, and I'm glad for it.
This is a journey for warrior's, warriors of the spirit. I can't tell you how uplifting it is reading your journey, sharing your thoughts, emotions, trials along the way. I know it has to help those behind us and just beginning this trial in our lives.
You, my friend have gained much in life and I know you will continue to live those answers in your life going forward.
All the best, Eric.
Mirage
.......
Good stuff, Eric. A little wordy for me, but probably not Mach.
Oh..Epic can post some schidt...
Still tryin to keep up with PEI huh ???
Oh that fear stuff....
I remember that : )
What does fear mean to you Eric ??LOL
Nice hangin with you over the weekend Bro...
PS...Bug is STILL talkin bout her Jeep thing....
: )
WonkaAt my own pace and on my own terms.
Take your time – just don’t let FEAR of what you find stop you from being true to you
uRworthyI laughed this weekend til I almost peed MY pants. Just sayin
Some of us actually did pee our pants. ROTFLMAO.
You guys are amazing, funny, exceptional people.
It was really the mirror image of YOU.
Boy, what a conversation during our hours and hours in the car. Such good stuff.
I just loved our chats. BTW, any BMW rides lately
ForeverYoungYour welcome. I hope you received something from it – that was the goal.
MirageYou were hard on me when I first came here, and I'm glad for it.
Your welcome..and if you thought I was hard…just take a look at some of the stuff J3B used to post to me. I had so many damn splinters I almost opened up a lumber yard. LOL. You can help me too. If you ever see me post some bul*chit – call me on it! Sometime we cannot see some of our own issues, so always feel free to point out something that you see.
MachStill tryin to keep up with PEI
PEI actually emailed me this post – I shaved it down 15 pages
Nice hangin with you over the weekend Bro...
Ditto my friend…ditto. Now…about the sheep thang...I can explain….LOL
PS...Bug is STILL talkin bout her Jeep thing....
I am glad and feel so blessed that I was able to put a smile on Bugs face. Whatever you do….don’t do the Jeep thing – not yet. Tell BUG next time, it will be full top down!
WonkaAt my own pace and on my own terms.
Take your time – just don’t let FEAR of what you find stop you from being true to you
Again with the assumption. Not really. I am doing this on my own terms which has absolutely nothing to do with fear.
Has it ever occurred to you that I am letting things cool down before I create a new thread? I didn't want the community thread to become a Wonka-Eric-Mach show. I plan to reclaim the community thread with the goal of sharing my MLC experiences and have other posters come back once again.
Where did that "being true to you" comment come from? I'm puzzled and don't want to assume here.
From day one, I have remained true to my values, principles and stand by by own convictions. In essence, I've been true to myself that includes a lot of introspection and reflection. I am comfortable with my own process. It is mine to own alone.
Any woo ^^^
I am glad and feel so blessed that I was able to put a smile on Bugs face. Whatever you do….don’t do the Jeep thing – not yet. Tell BUG next time, it will be full top down!
As you heard, she is pretty aware that a Jeep is not gonna happen....
I'm thinking one of those bumper cars from the Carnival ???
And I hope that you meant the top is down on the Jeep...not you..
Your Yoga pant idea was a bad enough image to wipe out of my mind...
Jus sayin
WonkaAgain with the assumption. Not really. I am doing this on my own terms which has absolutely nothing to do with fear.
It was not an assumption, at least it was not intended to come across that way. It was really a joke (hence the smiley face).
Has it ever occurred to you that I am letting things cool down before I create a new thread? I didn't want the community thread to become a Wonka-Eric-Mach show.
I am sorry it did not occur to me that you were letting things cool down. I did not feel that things were heated up – hence I did not think “cool down”. As for the Wonka-Eric_Mach show, I’m not sure what you mean by that. I know he and I responded with some what I was hoping would be though provoking questions – I was not trying to create a “show”. I am truly sorry that you interpreted it that way. Really. I’m not kidding. I am really sorry, it came across that way.
Where did that "being true to you" comment come from? I'm puzzled and don't want to assume here.
I will do my best to answer this. First though, I am trying to understand why you seem so defensive by the comment…I honestly have to say that I think I may have struck a cord with you. I could be wrong. My comment was based on my own personal experience and from the experiences of some of the other posters I have read over the years. The point I was trying to make was….often times we hide from ourselves and our responses to questions are more along the lines of what we think people want to hear and what we really want to tell ourselves. In short, I was say…just be real with yourself.
That is not an accusations that you are not. I have no idea if you are or are not. Only you know your truth. What I find interesting though is what I perceive (and hey I could be wrong) is your need to defend yourself.
I too do not want to assume so I will ask….
From day one, I have remained true to my values, principles and stand by by own convictions
Why did you feel the need to write this?
In essence, I've been true to myself that includes a lot of introspection and reflection.
And this…I never said you were not being true to yourself. I did suggest thought IF (key word is IF) you were that it may be FEAR.
I am comfortable with my own process. It is mine to own alone.
And this… I never said of even implied that you were not nor should you be comfortable with your process. Can you see how I may have interpreted this as defensive?
Mach1And I hope that you meant the top is down on the Jeep...not you..
Actually I meant you and the Jeep (not me):)
Eric,
Huh...it appears that you don't read me right nor do I with you. It just feels like you cannot take my comments at a face value and where I am coming from is just as authentic as the next person. From my perch, it feels like I am not being heard here and you turn around to explain this and that away.
Your original post did not come across as a joke but a statement. It is how I read it and I am not sure if other posters read it as a 'joke'. It is all there.
I guess FEAR is your topic of the day. It does not necessarily mean that we feel it at the moment. I find it pretty interesting that you are trying to force "FEAR" on to my lap when I say that I want things to cool down before starting a new thread. I wonder why you are so insistent on this. Where are you coming from, Eric.
I was say…just be real with yourself. That is not an accusations that you are not.
This is a big ball of contradiction right there all in the same breath. You say to me to be "real" to me, then 'go oh no...I am not accusing you of being unreal.' Which is which, Eric? What I am hearing here is the I am not being real with myself. I am clarifying here...I am being as real as the next person, not the Tooth Fairy. Who's to say that you are not being real either, Eric? Not for me to judge.
What I find interesting though is what I perceive (and hey I could be wrong) is your need to defend yourself.
If our positions were switched, I came right out and said to you to be "true to yourself"...wouldn't you want to try to clarify yourself, right? What I am hearing from you by that comment is that I am not being true to myself. It is plain wrong to run with that assumption. Yes, it is an assumption however you slice it.
What I am hearing here is the I am not being real/true with myself. I am clarifying here...I am being as real as the next person, not the Tooth Fairy. Who's to say that you are not being real either, Eric? Not for me to judge.
Take your time – just don’t let FEAR of what you find stop you from being true to you
And this…I never said you were not being true to yourself.
Am I mistaken here? I think I heard you the first time around. You can say this in 100 different ways...the essence remains the same.
Who/what gives you the moral right to judge whether someone is being "true to themselves", "being real" or not?? It is not your place to do so. Each person's journey is what they make of it. All roads lead to the same place. It doesn't matter which path a person selects in arriving at their destination or epiphany.
It is what it is. When you arrive at Heaven, God isn't going tell you to go back because you arrived there in your bright lime green VW Bug. God is thrilled that you've arrived at Home...that is what matters the most to Him. He doesn't care in what fashion/manner you did to get there. Likewise with DBers here...we are stars with unique, individual sparkles with our own flavors and colors!
Wonka
I agree that we seem to not read each other right. I am sorry about that. I can see how you might interpret things a certain way and I sorry that is the case.
I am going to end this by respectfully agreeing to disagree with some of your comments.
Let's do ourselves a favor and not respond anymore. It really does no one any good. Instead of being open discussion it seems to have taken a turn that is not helpful of uplifting to either of us or any other posters.
I can respect your views and position on things.
Once again, I am sorry if anything I have said has offend you.
Eric,
Let me be the first to say this: I really like you from what you've posted elsewhere and I am feeling like there's this wall between us. I just don't like it at all and it is not so me.
Wish we can figure out a way around this.
Maybe let's step back a bit here and try to reconnect later. (no, I am not in love with you!
) Ya up for this...?
And I hope that you meant the top is down on the Jeep...not you..
Actually I meant you and the Jeep (not me):)
Sigh....
Wonka
Is this like a cyber hug type thang? (that was a joke)
I am sure that we can figure something out. So yeah..I agree let's take a step back and try to reconnect later.
Now in terms of ....."am I up for a reconnect"....
does that include dinner? (another joke)
Maybe drinks...
A little salsa dancing?
More jokes up there ^^^...
Seriously though ...it is fine. We'll figure it out.
Have a great day.
Peace,
Eric
Darling, I am an expensive woman.
I have my standards.
smoothing my right eyebrow in my hand mirror Ah, I can handle side hugs.
Bug is STILL talkin bout her Jeep thing...
I hope this is a different bug, cause I have no memory of a Jeep thing. We did have a Jeep at one time and had some really great times but...
Labug....
The bug that was referenced was little Mach not labug.
Thanks for clarifying.
From Lois' thread
Crap…could I even find an older women who would be attracted to me, especially with all the baggage.
Eric what is it with the 'even'? Hmmmmmmm. Doesn't come across too well, as I believe you are now with quite a young woman!!
I am more amused than anything, but
quand meme as the French say.
Eric,
Excellent post my friend excellent. Very in tune with what we have been discussing....So the master has become the student today.
Well just for a few minutes....can't have you getting all machismo on me.
Eric and Wonka- Boys, don't let your disagreement on perspective end the dialogue. Remember that true success is lifting others up. Your conversation, though intense, is an excellent example of how to communicate from different perspectives. How to handle a conversation when what you feel does not match what the other person feels. How to have those hard conversations is an essential DB skill and that it is okay to disagree....but not ok to just hold things inside.
You two are the vets...be the example for the others on how it can be done. Not from right or wrong, but from the soul...the center....the "This is how I feel and see things".
FYI Wonka- I have a ton of respect for you and how you handled everything through the years. I really liked the expose on the MLC until the end of it....and then it seemed to shift a little. I too wondered what was your goal at that point?....what was driving you? We are vets...So we do listen and hear...Then we ask that pestering question of one another....Why are you doing that?
Correction to previous post....Strike the boys part.
I am very sorry about that Wonka and hope you can accept my Faux pas and apology.
Beatrice
Thank you for point that out. I could see how that came across. I am glad you were ammussed but I am sorry that it came out the way that it did. I sincerly appologize.
Yes, my girlfriend is younger than me. Ironically she is french canadian so I was able to find out what "quand meme" meant. Apparently it has several meanings. I was trying to figure it out myself but since my experience with french canadians is that they use meme to identify a grandmother, I was stumped and had to ask her.
LFW - thanks for stopping in.
Me macho...nahhhh...
Quand meme (needs a circumflex) - lovely expression - 'even so', 'all the same' etc.
Yes, it did come out a bit wrong didn't it? There is a huge amount of implicit ageism around. As a gorgeous, but chronologically older woman, I am always amused when guys realise how old I actually am.
Just catching up. Beautiful post, Eric.
So, what inspired you to write about the Fear? I’m so grateful that vets like you still come to this board to share the experience and give the advice. Sometimes I wonder though, why are you still here? My fear is that many years from now I will still be living with the painful memories of this time (after BD.) My fear is that I will never completely recover and move on.
BrightFuture
So, what inspired you to write about the Fear?
I came back to boards after a period aways and what I was reading from a lot of poster, prompted me to write this. I was driving up from a long weekend away in VA and I was thinking a lot about it. I was also reflecting on how grateful I am for the people here and the folks that helped me so much. So...I decided to write the post. It was a bit of a ramble...but i was hoping it would help some folks.
Sometimes I wonder though, why are you still here?
Me too
Honestly, I came back really because time allowed me to. I just finished up a very large project, which did not leave much time for me to post. I am now in a little bit of a slow period work wise, which is why you see me post more. I do believe though that I will always post, always come back. The two reasons are: 1) To give back. I recieved so much from these boards. I've made what I would say are life long friends. So I believe in giving back. The second reason is....to keep me honest. To remind myself of how blessed I am. Coming back allows me to stay the course on some level.
My fear is that many years from now I will still be living with the painful memories of this time (after BD.) My fear is that I will never completely recover and move on.
I totally understand how you could feel this way. Recently, my fiance asked me..."how can you really believe in marriage if you are reading horror stories about divorce. Reading story that are sad". My response to her was....That is how you view it, I view it differently. I see people fighting to save marriages. Fighting for love. Growing. Healing. I see all sort of positives.
Bright - you do not have to live in fear of not healing. I believe that all you need to do is to choose to heal. To live you life making choices that move YOU forward on your own path. You only stay stuck if you choose to.
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
I hope I answered all of your questions. If you more...feel free to ask. I am open book.
Peace,
Eric
Oh...and for the record I am not on MWD's payroll. LOL
"If that is what you want….then really just try and live it. Step by step, day by day. For me, I found that if I really spent all my time looking inside myself, that I really did not have any time or energy for that matter worrying about what my ex was or was not doing. That’s not to say, that some of her actions did not pis* me off. They did. I just learned to feel it, recognize why I was feeling what I was feeling and then I just let it go. Now, that may seem easy – but it is not. As long as YOU know that you are doing your best. That is all that really matters. Never lie to yourself. Learn to be brutally honest with yourself..even if it hurt. THe end result (at least for me) was that you really get to know YOU. "
Thank you for this response Eric. I am really trying. Especially being brutal honest with myself. Sometimes I don't have enough confidence in myself to trust my judgement. However each day I focus on the now and continue to put one foot in front of the other. I have skills I never knew before to keep me focused or refocus me in times of word or fear. It will always be a process. I realise that now. And I accept that the journey is lifelong.
You are a real inspiration to me Eric. Thank you for what you have given back. I love reading and learning from you.
BF,
Not to steal Eric's thunder.....but his description is pretty much the same for me. I am not here because I am hurting anymore.....quite the opposite as I have walked through the valley of divorce and kept right on walking.
For me the ultimate meaning of success is helping others achieve it themselves. While being here might not be defined as a successful place for all of us to be.....If I can say just one thing that helps somebody get through their valley easier, then I have accomplished something great.
Life isn't about a nice house or great achievements....at the end of the day it is truly about the lives you have touched.
ericmsant2 - Thank you so much for posting this. I must have read this 8 times in the last 2 days and every time do, I feel more positive about myself. I breath a sigh of relief when I'm finish reading.
I have the FEAR, I have the GUILT, and it will Su*k the life right out of you if you let it.
I cant tell enough what your post means to me and I feel so fortunate to have come across it .
Thank You again
I've been thinking a bit more about ur thread. I feel that fear is a big part of all our stitch's but doesn't it go deeper than that? What about feelings of shock, disbelief, sadness etc. These are all human emotions that take time to heal. Are these feelings fear based emotions?
Honestly the feeling I have feel like I'm constantly grieving. Like a death, but the person is still alive.
Can we begin to work on our fears while having these other emotions. Maybe? Maybe one small step at a time.
Eric, Lostforwords, thanks for answering my question about why some posters are still here after a few years. Your contribution on this board is invaluable. Thank you for being here. I do get a lot of wisdom and inspiration from the vet’s postings. It keeps me going. I’m sure all other posters, and especially newbies can relate.
Great read!
I do have some questions that I am hoping can get answered...
1. Any advice on how you begin loving yourself?
2. The list Eric posted says "set boundaries" what specifically are these?
3. If your S is still living with you, do you still hold them accountable for their actions? Or just let them live?
Thanks in advance.
Bjudge
I waited to respond to you as I needed to figure out the best way to respond to you. Sorry it took so long.
Any advice on how you begin loving yourself?
This ^^^^ is probably the hardest question to answer because much like a lot of things in life it is not a one size fits all approach. Loving yourself, can mean different things to different people. I just mentioned on someone else’s thread….how my responses are painted by my own experience…so trying to express how to start is SPECIFIC to me. Maybe what I post here can help you. I hope it does.
I can only respond to what it means to me and how I began. The answer is short…… loving yourself to me means, that you accept YOURSELF EVERYDAY for who you are and who and what you are striving to be. It is total acceptance of oneself – even the crappy parts. It is living as the real YOU. No masks, no lies to yourself, no fakeness. It means, you know and accept that you are a work in progress and will be probably for the rest of your life. It means you know and will work to be the BEST person you can be EVERY DAY of YOUR LIFE. Loving yourself to me mean a sense of peace, calm inside of you that is not, will not, does not require anything from
anyone – it is just inside. A peace that surpasses all understanding (I think that is a biblical term). That is not to say that having people in your life that love and cherish you is not important. It is. The difference IMO, is that you would like or want these people in your life – not NEED them. Loving yourself does not mean that you try and be perfect. It does not mean that you do not make mistakes, it does not mean that you will or will not have good relationships. Nope. It means PURE ACCEPTANCE OF YOU. It is how I feel living life as….quite simply…..me. So how does one begin the process? For me, I spent a lot of time INSIDE myself….learning about myself.. then I just CHOOSE to BE and LIVE life as ME. Kinda of love me for who I am or not…either way I was gonna be me.
The list Eric posted says "set boundaries" what specifically are these?
Google “boundaries”…you will find a ton or resources about them. In short, they are “rules” that are put in place to protect YOU. For example: One boundary that I have – if I am in a committed relationship, and my partner decided to cheat, I will end the relationship. No if ands or buts. It is that black and white. As I mentioned above, this is boundary is to protect ME. I know what I am worth, I love me, I value me, I also value my partner and so unless it was agreed that we would have an open R (I do not critize people who do – for each it’s own) cheating is not okay with me. Does this make sense?
If your S is still living with you, do you still hold them accountable for their actions? Or just let them live?
IMO, the answer is always yes – but it is much easier to say than to do. Allow me to explain, if my son broke one of my boundaries (no smoking in the house) then he will be accountable for their actions. Trust me when I tell you that when you have teenagers that will push to the limit – it is what teenangers do – I believe that you need to 1) be realistic with your own expectations (teenagers do not become adults if we try and FORCE our will on them – they do it on their timeline not ours) 2) have boundaries and clear accountability. So if my son smokes, he get’s punished. Period. If he wants to play the I am going to mom’s card then go right ahead. That said, I do believe that one must be very careful with setting of boundaries. There are a lot of variables to consider.
Hope this helps Bjudge.
Read this and had to share...
Is it your name? Is it your relationships with your family and friends? Is it your choices of food, your taste in clothing, or the things you like to do in your free time? Is it the type of job you do? Is it your beliefs, whether religious, political, social, or cultural? Is it your height, gender, weight, body size and shape?
Some or all of these facts will represent how YOU see yourself in the world, and how many others will see you as well.
Now, what if YOU were told that all the above, whilst they shape your perception of yourself, they do not fundamentally represent Who You Are.
What if YOU were told that all the above was just information “programmed” into your cellular memory banks?
So many people are caught up in misbeliefs such as, “I can’t help it, it’s my personality” or “it’s not my fault, it’s in my genes”, or “that’s just the way it is in my family”, and so forth.
This simply isn’t true, unless you call faulty perception “truth”. Everyone can change their programmed responses.
We routinely programme our subconscious mind to carry out repetitive tasks. If we learn a task sufficiently well, such as brushing our teeth or tying our shoelaces, it becomes a programmed habit, and we do it without even thinking about it.
We also programme ourselves in other ways, often without even realising it.[b] For example, we may continue to buy the same brand of laundry liquid that our parents used to buy when we were growing up because there is an “inherited programme” of “safety and comfort” associated with that memory.
Many people are so completely identified with their personality and their life story that [b]they don’t understand they can, in fact, change both.
We can all do this... but how?!
How do we change, not just on the surface, but deep from within? How do we access our healing potential to radically heal and transform our lives from the inside out?
I believe that the key is to understand, and embrace, Who We Really Are. We must embrace our divine nature – that which lies hidden behind the personality self.
We were all born into this worldly existence, and we will all die and leave it, sooner or later – this much we do know.
If we will stop and deeply consider this fact, it begs the question of why such a passage exists? And, herein lies one of the keys to the remembrance of our true nature. We are each an extension of a greater, compassionate Source. We came from that Source and will return to that Source when we die.
If we can hold this inner awareness and understanding throughout our human lives, then our lives will be so much richer for it. We will see differently, we will think differently, and we will ACT differently.
“We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home.” (Australian Aboriginal Proverb)
If we take a droplet of water from the ocean, that droplet will have exactly the same properties as its source. There is no difference in quality, only in quantity. In like measure, we are made of the same substance as the Source from which we came, which some of us have called “God”.
Humanity is the “sum” of God, and we are all the sons and daughters of God.
We have inadvertently allowed ourselves to become separated from our own truth and this has lead to an inner and outer struggle of immense proportions. We are spiritually and emotionally bankrupt, which is reflected in the chaos and turmoil of our modern day lives.
We have been told at least two great lies – that we are separate from each other, and that we cannot heal ourselves. These lies have lead to feelings of disempowerment and disillusionment on a massive scale.
You are invited to move into awareness again, and self-realisation at the highest level. As we each come to remember our Non Physical essence, our world will come back into balance and wholeness.
Life isn't about avoiding difficult moments, is it? I believe that it isn’t. Rather, life propels us forward through contrasting, or unwanted, situations. Yet, we must want to use our difficulties to transform ourselves into something grander, something greater. It does not happen by default.
No one will ever have all the answers to life’s mysteries. Yet, that is not an excuse of a lack of inquiry into the unseen causes of our human lives.
There is a reason why you are currently in the job you are in, living in the house or apartment that you’re in, alone and happy, or lonely and unhappy, in a happy relationship, or in an unhappy relationship, why you have “the family from hell” or the most loving, caring family.
For every effect in our lives, there is a thought pattern that precedes and maintains it. If you really want to change your life, you have to take ownership. You have to stop blaming others for whatever is “wrong”.
You have to learn to bless everything and show gratitude for what you do have. This is no easy task, given our modern day propensity to blame anything and everything under the sun, except ourselves.
Thank you for this thread - I took a break from posting for awhile to detach more and obsess a bit less, but this thread really helps...
I just reread this (35 k in the air) and I needed to see this again. Fear $&@ ?s -especially when you see digging to find out what you see really afraid of. That's where I'm at. Thanks Eric! Actually, I was raised in the south so I can say "thanks sugar!" Jk.
I do appreciate your insight:)
Thanks for this post...I am new here, but this is great on the first day! I have an appt. with my counselor tomorrow;Guess what I want to talk about???
Hey guys...
My future father in law is in the hospital having surgery. Please if you don't mind...pray for him.
Thank you
Eric
I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. May he come through the surgery and recover slowly but surely.
Absolutely will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how he does.
AJ
Sorry to hear about that buddy. Will keep him in my prayers
Adding a comment just to bring this to the top of the MLC page as requested.
Honored and blessed to have you in my life, my friend...you are amazing.
THANK YOU!!! (Happy dancing ensues).
Adding a comment just to bring this to the top of the MLC page as requested.
So, what's the comment ???
Mach....only YOU would ask
Bumping this up to the top for all to refer to as they make their journeys through the land of MLC.
And I loved reading this again! Thanks Eric:-)
Your welcome. I hope it helped.
Amazing Post .. and one that I have been wrestling with .. that Fear-Bug ... realizing what I am really afraid of is helping me focus my energy into dealing with where that fear came from.
Thank you for this.
What a great weekend with some amazing friends! Over the weekend, I was thinking about many of you that are here, posting and working sooo hard to save your marriages. I applaud you.
I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts over the past few weeks. Some of this may be a bit of a ramble; however, I believe that some of you may find it useful.
I have entitled this post….. The star is inside of you.
There is no magic bullet, magic pill, set of actions, set of words or specific post that can ensure that your marriage will be saved. Not one. The advice that you receive here will vary. Some will be very related to your specific sitch – some will not. I see a lot of people still focused on your spouse. Still focused on what they do, do not do, say, do not say, act, their actions. I understand this, I was there at one point too. What I feel is missing is the “work” that is needed to FIX YOU. We say often around here…”we didn’t break ‘em so we can’t fix ‘em”. So ask yourself – do you still believe that? Do you? Are you still worrying about every word you say, every step you take, every action you do? Do you still live a life walking on eggshells? Do you live in FEAR? Do you worry if you should leave the bedroom, take off the wedding band, make dinner, do the laundry, go to work? Does you every decision get run through a process where you think…….”what is my spouse gonna think or say”? Do you try and overcompensate for your crazy spouse? Do you do everything for the kids…to protect them? Have you totally devalued yourself? Have you tossed aside your own needs and wants? Do you walk around in guilt? Do you really think that…..that time, 10 years ago that your forgot the cranberry sause on Turkey day that it cause your spouse to wig out? If so, why?
I can go on and on about the stuff people have written, the post I have responded to and have read. Heck I was there too. IMO, the root of all of this is one word.
FEAR
When you come here…you are afraid, afraid of everything your spouse does, is doing, saying, etc. The answer to the issue though is NOT YOUR spouse – it really is YOU!
Stop for a second and ask yourself…..
Why am I afraid my spouse may leave?
Why am I afraid my spouse may divorce me?
Why are you afraid? Can you answer it honestly? Do you understand and know the root of YOUR fear? Yeah..yeah..yeah…I get it…”the kids”, “our family”, “our friends”……”the house”….”the finances”… I get it.
These ^^^ though are SURFACE answers. They do not get at the ROOT of the issue. Why are you so worry about the house? Do you think you will not be able to afford it? Do you think that you will not be able to maintain it? Do you love your neighbors? Do you just love that “woofy” your dog can walk around and all of your neighbor adore him? Stop for one second and ask yourself…… “what do these FEARS say about ME”. Can you see how you are devaluing yourself? Can you see how you may be assuming a deafist attitude? Can you see that in reality…..YOU WANT to CONTROL EVERYTHING.
CONTROL….. we like it. It is safe. It allows us to put everything in a little box. IMO, some levels of control KEEP US STUCK. They keep us from LOOKING INSIDE and facing OUR FEARS. So we cling to them. We figure out nice ways to hide behind them. Do you really think you can control everything? Do you really think that what you do, do not do, say, do not say….will CONTROL how your spouse acts? Now, I am not saying that your actions may not impact someone else. I am not saying that a love and compassion do not help heal, promote happiness, etc. No. What I am saying is that STANDING for your marriage does not mean that YOU ACCEPT that you are treated like dog poop. What I am saying is that YOU cannot spend every waking moment in FEAR of EVERYTHING YOU DO. At the end of the day, you cannot control your spouse. At the end of the day….NONE OF YOU, NO ONE ON THESE BOARDS, NO ONE….can make your spouse wake up, come home, become a better person. Some of you may say I know this. My response to you is….so what are YOU really doing for YOU.
IMO, doing the “work” is about facing YOUR FEARS. It is about, letting go of the notion that YOU can control everything. Doing the work…mean that you look inside. I will use my life, my journey as an example……
Some of you have read my journey, at least what was posted. I was an abused child. My mother was…well not the greatest. I was pretty messed up. At one point I become a drug addict. I was put away as a kid. I was homeless for a short period of time. I was broken. So…what does one do, HE CONTROLS. He controls how close he allows people to get. He manipulates his relationships, he keeps everyone at a distance. He carries around a ton of guilt. He lives in TOTAL FEAR and he USES CONTROL to manage that fear. He thinks….well if I am good H, or a good worker..that I can control the outcome of my job, my marriage. Now, I am not saying one should not be a good H, or a good employee. Nope. I am using this as an example of how sometime we control things. The control….keeps us from looking inside. Lemme give a few specific examples:
Specific to me….I tried to control everything. I’ve listed a few examples as reference for some of you.
I became super DAD. I did everything for my kids. My ex would leave at 5am and come home at 11pm. I did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, house work, a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids – pretty much a full time single parent. Although I do not regret it….i could have done things differently. Allow me to explain….. being as busy as I was with the kids, was in a small way, helpful in keeping me from looking inside. You see, I felt that I needed to protect them, I felt that I needed to control what they saw, what they heard, I wanted them to NOT have any pain from the divorce. I tried to CONTROL IT. ALL OF IT. Yes, some of you may say…it was for a good reason. My response to that is…was it? YOU really cannot control everything. The kids, will at some point FEEL this. They will feel the issue that are going on in the household. They will feel the stress of your spouse actions. YOU really cannot CONTROL it. You may think you can but all you are really doing is postponing it. Needless to say, I kept controling the sitch…take the kids here…make sure they did not see mom monster on me. The control prevent me from FACING MY FEARS. FEAR of what you may ask….
FEAR of….
Could someone like me really be a good parent, would the kids no longer love me, would the kids grow up to be F’ed up, fear of FEELING like maybe I was really a crappy dad, fear of what they would think of me? FEAR….that DEEP DEEP DOWN INSIDE…..I DID NOT BELIEVE IN ME! Yep…the deep issue that really needed to be deal with was ME. I did not believe in ME. I used everything else, the kids, my sitch, everything to HIDE from facing and learning about ME.
FEAR of….
Facing my role in the demise of the M. What did I do wrong? Why was all of this my fault or was it? Was I done? Why wasn’t I done? Why did ex wife have an OM? Was that my fault? To deal with some of these fears I controlled. I controlled how I felt. I did things, said things, did not do things….all for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. The bigger question was WHY? What was I afraid of? When I really started digging I did not like some of the answers that I found. I was fearful of: losing my house, change, change in my lifestyle, change in my income. Would I find someone? Could I find someone? Did I really love my w? What did love mean to me? Hell could someone like me even really love?
Finding the answers to these questions was painful. It required me to face every single one of these fears. It is no easy, fellow posters. Not easy at all. IMO, though….if you do not do it YOU will never really find your true self, your true happiness. When I started to dig, I realized – yes I did love my ex. Yes, I was capable of love, I also realized…..that I did not really KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF. That I based my own sense of SELF on what other thought, said, felt. That I had hid for a long, long time behind a viel of FEAR. When I finally learned how to love myself, learned how to ACCEPT EVERYTHING about myself….well then I was FREE. Free to choose for ME.
I have a seen a lot of poster post very similar questions ….
1) Should I leave the house? Should I leave the master bed room? My answer to these is this….WHY do YOU want to leave or stay? Are you staying because you are afraid? Afraid that you are not strong enough? YOU can! You are strong enough! You will survive this! Only though if you really look inside and UNDERSTAND why you feel the way you DO. It is only then, can you make choices that are NOT based in FEAR. It is only then that you can determine if you are done or not done.
2) Am I am done? I think I am done? I want to be done? MY answer – Define done. What does it really mean? Why does it even need a definition? Why put yourself in a box? Personally, I think it is our way of controling everything and as I have said….IMO, CONTROL is just a way for US to NOT have to FACE our FEARS. IMO, you can be done. You can change mind later. You actually do not even have to decide today, tomorrow….YOU can JUST LIVE. Live a happy life. Make a promise to YOURSELF that I CHOOSE happiness. Let go of the darn need to control everything. YOU CAN’t. Can you really control what your ex does? If you end up getting divorced – can you control what the judge says, his/her attny says – NO. YOU CANNOT. ACCEPT THIS! Instead of using the energy trying to figure out if you are done..use it to figure YOU out. Use it to understand yourself and accept your own fears. Use the energy to sit down and really figure out what you want and WHY? The star that you look for….the answer to all of YOUR questions is really inside of YOU.
3) Do I confront H or W about OM/OW? What do YOU really want to do? Better yet – why? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid they may leave? Are you afraid you will piss them off? Are you afraid they may file? Do you really think you can control it? FACE your FEAR! Why are you afriad? What is the root of the fear? Is it that you never really valued yourself? Is it that you are afriad if they leave how you will put food on the table? If so, is that who YOU really want to be? Dbing DOES NOT say you should be treated like crap. It is about health boundaries. Are you afriad to tell your spouse to stop texing OM/OW in front of you? Why? YOU matter! You are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT too. YOUR feeling do matter. Now I am not saying that you should confront today, tomorrow…what I am saying is UNDERSTAND why you are making the choice you are making. Cause if it is the result of FEAR – you have not address the real issue. FACE your fears.
I can go on and one with all sort of examples: The key point that I want to make to many of you is…..
Inside of you is a star! That star is your guiding light. Not me, not another poster. YOU. YOU are your guiding light. Ya just have to get past the fear. You just have to ACCEPT YOU, learn to LOVE you, Choose happiness over everything else. Find the issues and fears that you have and then slay them – one at a time. They may not go away today…but just knowing what they are EMPOWERS you to make choices that are TRUE to YOU. You are star! Every single answer to your question is inside you.
If you work on you – fully – if you totally commit YOU to YOURSELF, to healing YOUR core. You will be happy. You will have an inner peace and joy.
Stop looking at your spouse – focus on you and face your fears!
Life is a river…..it flows…it changes….. YOU can’t control it.
I really appreciate this right now, Eric. Just personally, as someone who's trying to become better. Sometimes we slip back, and I personally have. I'm finding myself in a place that I need to center myself, and face my own fears.
And begin again. And not to be so controlling, to be more loving and understanding with those around me. So here's a moderator knowing the DB lessons, and having screwed up....thanking you.
SG, thanks for digging this one up.
It is wonderful!
I hope that your latest rocky stretch is a short bit of turbulence.
SG, thanks for digging this one up.
It is wonderful!
I hope that your latest rocky stretch is a short bit of turbulence.
Thanks, Zeph!
Fear. This post resonates with me all the way from my head to my toes.
My H is classic MLC. His mother died 3 years ago, and he started changing nearly instantly. He drew further and further away from me, and I got more and more depressed and attempted to control him via sarcasm and threats. His new friends? Losers, all of them. Drunks and women chasers.
In August he BD'd me. I was blindsided. I was also struck with terror. I'm sick, seriously. I've got several health concerns, including heart failure, fibromyalgia, chronic major depression, etc... How was I going to survive? How could he do this to me? I panicked and freaked out.
Fortunately, I learned about MLC as well as DB, and eventually calmed down, but not before I did so much damage it's going to take years to recover from. I'm finally okay with that. I have become someone I don't even recognize. I've gained far too much weight (for really bad reasons), I've learned to become totally dependent, I don't take care of myself, and I'm not even the same person I was when we married 21 years ago.
I'm not going to get it together before the D is final. He's really pushing me hard on this...almost in a panic to get it done. But finally, finally I've reached a point of acceptance and understanding.
Honestly, it is time I did nothing except work on myself. I need to become the confident self-sufficient woman I used to be. Even I don't much care for this despondent, clinging present reality. It's time to make my health a priority. I could live close to a normal life if I ever got serious about it. I have so very much to work on, I really don't have time to worry about H and his mess.
What was holding me back from accepting this? Fear. How would I survive? Where was I going to get insurance? How am I going to pay for medicines? How can I work with all the physical problems I have? Where am I going to live? It just goes on and on and on...
I believe there is a way. I believe now that I've come to certain realizations, doors are going to open for me. I proclaim myself a woman of faith - yet where was that faith when I was letting fear cripple me?
My M has been bad ever since H started the slide into MLC. He's verbally abusive, critical, and downright mean. I need to be nowhere near him as long as he is holding me responsible for "ruining his life". He just wants to be "happy". Pretty classic script, right? Except hanging on to him like I was doing was causing great harm to us both.
Without question, fear held me in place unable to move on. Finally, thankfully, I'm putting that fear aside. I'm learning what I need to do to care for myself, without his help. Doing that will be good for us both. I don't know where this road will lead. I'm just determined that for now, it's all about me. In a good way. Learning to care for myself. Finding that happy woman again. Regaining my sense of humor. Smiling morning through night. I used to be known for my smile. Now it feels so foreign when I attempt it.
Will H ever return? I hope so. But for now...he's not part of my life. He can't be, because his abuse harms me physically - he's not hitting me - it's just my heart goes haywire when he's shouting at me and calling me names. I will love the old H forever, but I accept he's gone for now while this new person is off seeking happiness in all the wrong places.
It kills me, yes. I'm glad I have an understanding, though. It allows me some compassion. I need to be strong, really strong, because if H ever snaps out of it, he's going to need so much more than I could even begin to give him right now...things like acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and trust.
I've got a lot of work to do. It really helps to focus where to start understanding that most of all my bad feelings are based in fear.
Thanks so much for this post!
You've been through a lot and are still climbing the mountain. Your health needs to be your first priority. Some of your health problems will get better when you have less stress in your life, i.e., your MLCer and the divorce. Once things settle down, you should start to see some improvement because you can actually begin moving forward and truly focusing on yourself w/less stressors.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are people everywhere that are more than willing to assist you if you will only ask.
Take each day at it comes and break it down into small portions to tackle whatever you are doing. If something doesn't work, try something different. Whatever happens, don't give up. There is always another way to get through the project and yes, even the pain of what he's done and continues to do you. You've got to allow that pain to wash over you and then release it in order to make life better for yourself. Right now, you are your own project. Make a list of what you would like to accomplish in the next few months and go from there. If you don't accomplish the tasks, put them on the next list and continue from there.
You've got this and I think you'll feel a lot better once the dust has settled and the divorce monkey is no longer on your back. One last thing...be sure you've got a good lawyer to represent you. Don't be afraid to ask for something higher than normal because this will allow some negotiations to take place. Do not allow your heart to enter into the negotiations. Divorce is a business contract that's gone sour and you need to protect yourself and ensure that you get a fair settlement.
Please take care of yourself. You are the most important right now in this world. Your h? He's at the bottom of the dark hole and trust me, he has no problem taking care of himself. Leave him to twirl in the wind.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, Job. I really, truly appreciate it.
I agree with you. My health is number one right now. I'm not going to make any true progress until I start turning that around. There's a lot that I can be doing that I've been reluctant to do - but the time for procrastination is at an end. Each of my doctors tells me that it will hurt, badly, at first. As I gain strength, take off weight, and build endurance I should start feeling better and better. That would be amazing! It really does affect your personality to be in pain every single second of your life. It is so hard to explain to people.
I agree I will feel better without the D hanging over my head, but honestly, I feel myself welling up again right now. I don't want this. I never wanted this. But I'm creating an even meaner monster by not letting him have his way - and I? I just can't handle H and his rages. Stress does a number on my physical body that is really impossible to ignore.
I have an excellent L, I'm happy to say! So much so that H ran out to find his own, once I started telling him her thoughts. It is a business negotiation. I spent 21 years helping him along in his career. This version of H wants to put me out in the street with nothing. If it hadn't been for my L, he would have succeeded. He really hates her. I'm letting her handle all of it. She is intent to get the best for me. She is none too happy with any of his behavior. I really lucked out when I found her.
I like your idea of breaking things down into smaller portions. I am a bit overwhelmed, and that is an excellent suggestion. Thank you for that. I can easily do something like that, and it will make me feel so much better to be able to see I'm making some progress, like I will with things broken down into steps.
Thanks again for your time and thoughts. I truly appreciate it.
Eric
Since you started a new thread no one will go back and read this one even though it has some great advice.
Glad to hear your life is going so well.
Happy Birthday a day late.
I need to chime in too! Happy Belated Birthday!
Thank you guys.
I had an excellent birthday this past Sunday!