A tale of woe like this needs to be shared so others can learn from my fortunes. The early chapters posted through out the years on this website are a dialogue into morals, ethics, perseverance, personal fortitude, and ultimately....rebuilding oneself into a person one wants to be...no longer the one that was. It is said we lay out grand plans, but life has no room for our grand plans. It has a mind of it's own well out of our control.....or even our wildest imaginations. That explains how we can rise from the ashes of a failed marriage to become something more than we were, while striving to be even more.
As for me....things are good. I feel I have found a nice balance to live in....Juggling fatherhood, work, and fun has become consistently....easier. One of the most important things I learned in my journey was how to prioritize. Define what is TRULY important...as opposed to what I was led to believe was important. What I have found is that by doing this....I have basically removed stress from life. It has helped me be a better father, friend, and person.
The kids are excellent. They have the usually teenage distaste of doing chores, homework, or anything that involves responsibility. Those are all things that we all experienced at their age. They go to their mother's every other weekend, but even that is by their choice. We have decided to let the kids make their own choice on that one. The kids have expressed they love her, but don't like spending too much time with her...go figure LOL. So at times they would rather be home. A side note on kids.....learning all the DB steps has made me a much better father, even a role model to my soccer team players, then I would have thought possible. Bringing the DB model to dealing with teenagers is one of the unexpected rewards that life has thrown my way.
As for the end of my marriage....once affair #5 was confirmed, I was done. My marriage was holding me back in many manners at that point and it was time for more growth. So for 6 months I planned and prepared for the end of the marriage, an ending that I controlled. Now you may ask why I bring that up on a forum about saving marriages. The truth for me is this website is about saving ourselves first, and then...only after that....Maybe...a big maybe....saving the marriage. Those 6 months I db'ed like crazy....not to save the marriage, but to save myself. In those 6 months there was only two heated discussions....and very little stress. I had actually planned to go 8 months to remove the X from the house, but life intervened. Once she started spending money on the OM and asking me to cover additional bills.....well that was a boundary I had set for instant house removal. SO I made it happen....It actually wasn't a big argument. More just an acceptance that the game was up and I was no longer going to be involved in it. Currently we are working on getting the divorce paperwork setup.....The only sticking points really are all hers. It seems that my success is a thorn I her side.....but that was the plan from the start LOL
The last year and half have been fun. The kids seem to be growing every day (and my grocery bills prove that) and are almost little adults...almost LOL. As a team we struggle with homework, taking care of the pets, and constant trips to the clothing stores. We went to Disney with my family and my daughter finally got to see the castle...big happenings.
As for dating...while I have been on dates, so far they all have turned into just friendships. It is amazing how DB has taught me how to communicate with the fairer sex....and how they will respond to somebody who actually hears. The other twist in that portion of my life being that I am the full time parent.....so dating time is very limited. It is what it is.
This site, the books, and the friends I have made on here have been a gift...an inspiration...beyond what can be described. SO thank you all.
As for you Jack....If you get a chance to read this....Thank you!!!! You pushed when I needed it most....and that will always be priceless.
1000 likes ^^^^^!
That is inspirational LFW, very inspirational.
Proof that doing the work pays, in a multitude of ways.
I agree w/T2...lots and lots of likes. I do hope others will come along and read your inspirational posting. The hard work does pay off and many ways.
Keep up the good work!
Wonderful post LFW!!! Very inspirational!
You are a wonderful father and am so happy for you! You are a true example of what can be!!!
Hey there my friend....
Living good is our reward huh ??
Sounds good to me.
Thanks for all that you do, and remember that you payed it forward the same as the people that helped you.
You truly are an inspiration to many, including myself....
LFW
Thank you for the update.
I feel I have found a nice balance to live in
That is great to hear man! Great!
Thank you for the help you gave me and for the help you continue to provide for others.
Eric
Great post LFW. Like you, I came here hoping I would find the answer to save my M. Through the amazing guidance of everyone here, I have learned that this journey is about saving ourselves! You are an inspiration. I cant wait to get to the point you are at
Thank you my friends....:)
In my opinion that hardest part of DB'ing and the part so many people struggle with....is that the changes have to start from within. Here we are in the illusion that we are trying to save a marriage that is external from us.....and the path to that starts with changing our half of the pie.
In doing that, the end is guaranteed....being a person who is stronger and more balanced emotionally and individually. Once you get there.....Living good is the reward one way or another.
Hey my friend.
I will always be grateful to you for steering me over here.
It has made all the difference in my life.
I am glad to know yours is going well too.
Although I find that I have to commit myself anew each day to being the man I want to be and leaving the old guy behind.
And when I do that, life works.
TG,
Congrats on the little one...When I heard about it...Well let's say a big smile was issued.
You are doing great TG...Live by your values and principles each day....and life will just work
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Love this TG and so happy to hear that life is good for you too!
C-dub!
Good to see you here.
What's happening?
Lost won't care if we use his thread to catch up...
Hi there TG! Oh...not much...same ol same ol! Here is a link to my thread if you are interested!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2423539&page=1
It has been awhile....And I am posting elsewhere on the site, but here is the latest updates.
Really starting to focus on the divorce paperwork. The EX is being very agreeable to everything, so that is a huge plus. The only downside is trying to get the bank to transfer the mortgage to my name only. I tried to DB them, but it just doesn't work. Otherwise, I should be legally divorced in a month or so....Which is a good thing.
The kids are excellent and very tired of school. So they are the basic teenagers. We are about 2/3 through spring soccer season which has been yet again a lot of fun. I highly recommend becoming a volunteer coach....You get to challenge your DB skills while connecting with kids. It is a very rewarding experience.
I have been seeing a wonderful lady for a month now and things are going.....very well. I have told her about this site and all the grisseled vets I considered friends and she is duly impressed.
The only downer since the last post is that I found out what has been ailing my knee for years. While everyone assumed that it was a knee injury, in the end it wasn't. In an odd happenstance, my mother suggested getting a test for lyme disease (I basically live outside and come in only when it rains LOL) and the test came back positive. So I am being treated for that little bugger and starting to feel better. The first few weeks of treatment were a nightmare, but as in hardship; nightmares eventually pass.
lostforwords - i'm having to put the mortgage in my name only as well. I have a year to do it (from April 4th) so I have not started it yet - the refi. trying to get everything in order first and then i'll just try it. i have excellent credit but not sure i'll qualify on my own even though i've been paying it on my own for months now. It's a little scary. If I don't then I'll have to ask my father to cosign with me or sell it. i don't want to sell it but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I see you're in Asheville, i'm in Knoxville a few hours away. are you having this hot weather? good luck with your divorce. that's great you figured out about the lyme disease, they should just test us all for that at this point, i've had so many ticks the last few years - i wonder what the stats are on that, seems like you'd end up having lyme disease at some point if you are around so many of them. blech. I hope you are feeling better.
my mother suggested getting a test for lyme disease (I basically live outside and come in only when it rains LOL) and the test came back positive.
When life hands you Lyme ???
Break out the Coronas
How's other things buddy ???
LFW,
Glad to see that your ex is being reasonable!
Your a hell of a dude. Congrats on the new R.
Psst....she is much better looking than Mach...just sayin...
I'll leave you with one of my fav quotes...... (I think it was on my first thread)...
"Be the change you want to see in the world".
Peace,
Eric
Psst....she is much better looking than Mach...just sayin...
That's an opinion based, no factual statement....
And projection
: )
Su nueva casa tiene un espejo ?
Hey LFW...hate it that you have lyme disease...careful with that and take care! Nasty stuff there!
Feeling your pain with the kids being all teenagery and stuff!
Always happy to see an update from you!
Take care!
Well latest update....I am officially divorced :)I did all the paperwork and even did the court appearance....it was much easier in the end than I thought. The hardest part was the guilt that I did not feel bad at all about the end of the marriage....I probably did that years ago though.
The kids are teenagers....so not much to add there LMAO.
The wonderful lady and I are just friends now. Not really what I want, but surely for the best. Very long story in regards to it....But I am being what she has asked me to be
As for the Lyme....I am on my second round of antibiotics. My knee is slowly feeling better. So getting better....and the bonus being I am down to 260 (was 310 at xmas)....the fun of no appetite and getting to the gym more regularly.
I hope everyone is well and being the changes they want in the world.
Hi LFW,
I'm new here so didn't follow your sitch in the past. After a little over a year since B-day my W finally moved out a few weeks ago. I will say that since she has gone I'm finding it much easier to DB. You're post gives me hope for my sitch! I've made more progress in the last few weeks then in the last year! I think you're right that the trick is to STOP trying to save the M but start saving yourself. I'm so glad to hear that you are doing so well. I too have 2 teenagers (girls) that seem to be spending most of their time with me. Hard in some ways, much more satisfying in so many others.
I wish you well now that you're D. My W filed a few weeks before leaving but so far hasn't pushed anything forward. I'm sure that will change soon. It's funny how I was afraid of D but now that she is gone, it's just not as bad in my mind.
Thanks for sharing, success stories (even ones where the M isn't the thing that was saved) are always appreciated!
Matt,
The real twist with DB....is that we all start it to save our marriages but that isn't really what happens. As I told my girlfriend last night as we discussed this site, DB in the end isn't about saving the marriage it is about saving yourself.
Maybe saving yourself saves the marriage....but even if the marriage ends, if you do the work you will be a better a person.
Focus on saving you...and everything else will fall into place accordingly as it should.
Lost,
I couldn't have said it better. How are you doing these days?
Looks like from the picture, the tonsillectomy for your daughter went well too.
Good to hear your update.
It went very well...She is in a fair amount of pain, but feeling better by the minute. The real big deal was her actions....Even though she was in pain she thanked ever person who helped her. Made it a point to do it. Appreciation is such a great thing to learn.....proud of her.
Job -I am doing real good overall....A hiccup here or there, but overall very good. How are you?
Hey there Buddy....
Glad things went well this morning...
I have a couple teenagers if you wanna add to that mix.. ???
No?
Yea, don't blame you there...
Send them on down Mach.....My house usually has 3-5 teenagers in it anyways (I am just cool like that). What is a few more of them for the zoo? Thinking about it.....A few more and I probably could start charging admission and retire to Bora Bora sooner LOL.
"You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give."
Well my half year update LOL....Things are pretty dang good....actually better than good. About once I day I have a crazy light bulb moment, where I realize just how awesome my life is. It is strange, but very comforting to know how far I have come in so many parts of my life. Persistence in investing in my self instead of things I have no control over has shown some great fruits....but I am not satisfied with great fruits and awesome. I am aiming for spectacular and really good fruit filled pie
The beasties are doing very good. Grades are up and my son just finished his first season of high school jayvee soccer. More and more they just prefer to stay home than go to their moms, but I think that is more the teenager thing. They want to live life on their own terms and not on the terms that we dictate for them. I think that is a pretty good thing.
As for me...this year has been crazy work wise...just nonstop. The lyme thing is under control and I am back to hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. I love the gym, but boy does it remind me that I am not 22 anymore the morning after lol.
In January we will be moving to the beach as I have landed a new job with an engineering firm. The three of us are beyond excited, but the next month is looking like crazy busy....but that is the price of change.
I also stay merrily single LOL.....I have gone a few dates and talked with women, but it seems that the past controls so much of the present for most.I really believe that is a huge part of DB that is missed in the moment we are here....regardless of how the marriage goes, you have to learn to accept the past, learn from it, and move on. People talk about doing that, yet a lot of them still live in the past...projecting their past lives into the present, and limiting their futures.
So I will see you all again in 6 months...from the beach...with a corona in hand and the waves in my view.
Congratulations on the new job and the move. Travel safely to your new home and new adventure.
So I will see you all again in 6 months...from the beach...with a corona in hand and the waves in my view.
I will take that, as the invite it appears to be : )
It is an invite....heck you won't be very far away.
...but it seems that the past controls so much of the present for most.I really believe that is a huge part of DB that is missed in the moment we are here....regardless of how the marriage goes, you have to learn to accept the past, learn from it, and move on. People talk about doing that, yet a lot of them still live in the past...projecting their past lives into the present, and limiting their futures.
This is probably the part that worries me most about this process. We're all here and growing, moving forward as our new, confident selves and our WAS' and other people in our lives will be mired in the past, potentially labeling us based on past failures.
Let me know where this beach is, LFW. I live several hundred miles from one so I'll be vicariously building sandcastles.
B,
Then you are worrying about something outside your realm of concern. You only control your actions and your future. The thoughts of others is beyond your control....Make yourself a better man because you want to, not for a desired change in others.
If people embrace your change and believe in you...Then they are worth keeping in your life. If they don't, well then you lovingly let them go and continue on your path. How people perceive you is their choice...Who stays in your life is your choice.