After reading some posts through the forums it looks like H is an MLCer, at the mere age of 30 at that. He moved out and left me with a 3 year old and all the household bills, which I'm now finding out, haven't been paid in months (the ones he was responsible for).
Before the forums, I came to the conclusion that he was running away from something, and boy is he really running away -- out of the country in fact. I read an older post "My Thoughts on Why They Run Away During Their Crisis" and although my H wasn't physically or mentally abused (that I know of), I believe his parents did emotionally distance themselves from him and devalued him. He has a lot of the traits listed in that post: depression, lack of confidence, sense of unworthiness, the self medicating, etc. He once told me that I show him too much love and that I should stop it. Maybe because he doesn't know how or can't reciprocrate it, so he can't handle me loving him. IDK.
The crises: his business failing, overwhelmed with finances, unable to give his family (me and D) what he believes they deserve (but not what they ask for), his parents calling him a failure and telling him that what he has is not good enough. The trigger: a really bad fight between the two of us that ended with a domestic violence arrest.
So he just wants to add the "end of our marriage" to his long list of failures and move on; not realizing that he hasn't failed and that it's not as easy to just move on. I just want him to believe in himself as much as I believe in him.
I miss him dearly.
Welcome to the MLC board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power
Woops replace she with he above, you get the general idea.
Most important read and POST
Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power
How has H given me the gift of time? He hasn't filed for D yet but he and his lawyer are making moves. He's already attended a parenting class, we're negotiating the marital settlement agreement, I'm getting a "Waiver of Service" some time this week because lawyer told me she's putting it in the mail today. What time do I have? I've read DR and I'm doing the LRT. I've detached, gone dim (not dark because of D), I don't initiate contact, I don't always answer or respond to his phone calls/texts, I'm GAL and have been receiving IC, putting focus on me and D. We've only been separated for a little over two months and once the petition is filed it can be over in two months. So how is he giving me time? Shouldn't I be creating the time? And how can I do that? And I wish I was off moderation and that folks could respond faster because again I feel like I don't have time.
You might be thinking "patience" now, but my being patient and doing "nothing" could lead me to the D and not stopping it.
No, Cadet is not referring to patience. He is referring to using your time wisely for you. Your h is out on the street doing whatever he needs to do to find himself. While he's doing that, you've been given the opportunity to work on you, i.e., to do the things that you've put on the back burner, as well as rediscovering the person you were pre-marriage.
Patience, on the other hand, is one of the ingredients we must either have or learn in order to walk this path.
Since your h appears to be moving very quickly in filing for a divorce, I will suggest that you protect your assets/financials, get your ducks in a row where it matters...your bank book. Make sure that you know about your joint accounts, credit cards, mortgage, etc. This is the time that you need to become familiar with what the laws are in your state when it comes to divorce and support for you and your child.
If he's made up his mind about divorce, as it appears from your posting, there is nothing at this time that will convince him to change his course of action. The more you try to convince him that this is too sudden or it's not the right thing to do, the more he's going to push forward. Yes, you can slow down the process, but it's costly.
I'm very sorry that you are here, but you are now a member of our little family. I'm sorry to see that things can move so quickly in your area. Try to keep the focus on you and your child as much as you can. I know you want to stop the divorce, but if he files, you won't be able to. He is the only one that can do that once he's filed.
Continue to post and I'll come back later to check on you.
Having time does not mean that you dont protect yourself.
Taking care of yourself and your children is the most important thing you can do.
Listen to Job, she understands this stuff the best.
I wanted to stop in and check to see how you are doing today.
Post when you get a chance.
Dylis...first, so very sorry to "meet" you under these circumstances. BUT, you have come to a place that will save you! I promise you this! Cadet and job are AMAZING. Please carefully read everything they send your way.
I was totally devastated back in July/August when I found my way here. Then, I found out about my H's affair in October. I wouldn't have been able to pick myself up and move forward if it weren't for the people on this forum.
Your H seems to be moving extremely fast on the D. I don't have any advice for you on this, other than to protect yourself and your child!
And, they are right, NOTHING you can do or say will change his mind or magically make him want to stay right now. The more you try, the more he'll run the other way. You have to make yourself do exactly what feels wrong...you have to let go for now and work on you.
If you follow the "vets" advice on here, in a few months, you won't believe the growth and strength in yourself. But, for now, you must take it one minute...one hour...one day at a time. Dig deep within yourself and find the strength that is buried there.
This isn't going to be
Sorry! I hit enter!
Anyway, this isn't going to be a "quick fix" like we all wish and hope for. It takes lots of time and work...but keep posting on here.
Come here when you need to vent or need some help or advice or just a virtual hug. The people here really care!
Ang
Thank you Angela, Job, and Cadet. I'm doing better since the last time I posted.
H has been calling at least once a day now for about a week and I haven't answered once. I figured if it was something important he would leave a message or text me and he hasn't. There was one time I picked up the call but I had my daughter answer, assumed it was she he was calling for anyway. I usually put the phone on speaker when the two of them are speaking, even before all of this occurred, because she's 3 and they both get lost in conversation, but this time around I didn't. They did their thing and when I heard her say goodbye, she handed me the phone, and I hung up. It was hard to do, but I did it, and I felt good about it.
Job, I got your message from my other thread. Will make sure to stick to one thread when posting. My original thread in the Newcomers forum lost traction so I posted in other areas for replies. Is there a way I can add the posts from that thread to this thread? Because parts to my story are there. Maybe I'll just copy and paste them.
We don't have any joint assets/accounts. We rented. And I've taken over all of the household bills. Getting a book today from public library that will put Florida law in layman's terms for me when it comes to my rights in all this. You should see the ridiculous time-sharing/parenting plan he and his atty conjured up. Oh and I did have an atty (a prepaid legal atty, so not necessarily my atty) consult with me and look over the initial paperwork I received in the mail.
I'll keep you all updated and thank you for the warm welcomes.
Hey. Just thought I'd check in over here.
You seem to be doing extremely well given the circumstance. I'm not sure if you are still in shock or if you actually are detached. Good on you if you are detached.
Hang in there and good luck.
I believe I have detached. But it could be shock. There are times I find myself in a daze: getting from one place to another and then asking myself "how/when did I get here?" I'm physically functioning at work, with my parents/siblings, outings; I'm able to participate in conversations; but the second that I'm not moving, not being busy, not talking, my mind comes back to this...this bomb. People think I'm listening to them because I'm looking at them and nodding, but I don't even hear them because my mind comes right back to this.
I believe I have detached. But it could be shock. There are times I find myself in a daze: getting from one place to another and then asking myself "how/when did I get here?" I'm physically functioning at work, with my parents/siblings, outings; I'm able to participate in conversations; but the second that I'm not moving, not being busy, not talking, my mind comes back to this...this bomb. People think I'm listening to them because I'm looking at them and nodding, but I don't even hear them because my mind comes right back to this.
Sounds like shock. I remember earlier in my sitch my IC said I looked numb. I still find myself in shock. I hate the million emotions I'm going through. It's such an awful feeling. I hope you are in fact detached because that is the goal.
Called H today to see if he would have D for tomorrow (Saturday). Again it's been a week since he's seen her and he only spoke to her once after that. He said that was his reason for calling this week to see if he can have her Saturday, but he wasn't able to get through to me. Why didn't he text, or call my work line, or leave a voicemail, or why didn't he say anything when I did answer that night he spoke to D? I'm asking why but don't really care or need to know the answer. Anyway, he will be by around 8am and I'll make sure that I look good (not too good because, come on, who looks amazing at 8 on a Saturday morning?) and that the house will smell of bacon, eggs, pancakes, etc. (things that I'm sure he's missing -- not that I care, lol) that he can't have unless he begs and grovel for it.
Although I initiated the communication, I did not let him take over the communication. We set the time of pick up, followed up with him about tax documents, and told him okay that's all...see you tomorrow.
I'm telling you, this week of absolutely not hearing his voice has done wonders for me. This is the best I've felt since BD and that excites me even more because I know there are still better days to come. Thank you God, thank you fellow DBers, and thank you "me".
Friday night I went to church to attend a women's bible study that will aid in me GAL. It's a group for women whose husbands have "strongholds" (addictions) and to help them through it. Like a codependence support group. Their goal is to better us through scripture, peer support, and to remind us that God is in control of our situation. What I like about this group, so far, is that it's not a group for giving up on your marriage, it's standing up for your marriage. Our sub-group leader sounded as if she was quoting from DR so I felt that I was in the right place.
Then I got a call from my best friend to come out with the girls and have some drinks. I took her up on her offer; a little spontaneity...didn't want to be "parent" that night. I had such a great time and didn't get home until after 4am, haven't done that in a long time.
H did show Saturday but I didn't get to tease him with breakfast like I hoped because of my "spontaneity" the night before. He actually woke me by his knocking at the door. I did manage to scramble up a good look though: new bedtime apparrel (short and sexy), hair neatly frazzled, etc. and I made sure to hint that I'd gone out the night before.
He looks good and happy. I wonder do I appear the same way to him.
He called my cellular today, then sent a text message asking, "Do you have a little time for me?", then called my work line. Guess he's learning from last week. It's not that I didn't answer or respond on purpose, I just wasn't at my desk. So I seen the missed calls on both lines and then the text message. I panicked, went outside, yelled and cursed, did some pacing, and then prayed. After that I called him. Made sure I sounded cool/calm in my greeting and then I asked is everything okay. He said yes. He said I spoke with my attorney and I understand that you are not okay with me travelling out of the country with D. Then there was silence. Wasn't sure if he was asking a question or just making a statement. After a few more milliseconds of silence, I said "ok?" I don't want to type out the whole conversation but he wasn't ok with being unable to travel out of the country with D. He said can we work it out so that it isn't written in black and white that he can't travel with her? He was assuring me that whatever travel he does decide to do with her would be just for vacation purposes and would last no more than a week. Besides we would have to let each other know if we want to travel with her, so if I'm not okay with them traveling in that moment I can say no and he will respect that. I think that's easier said than done and right now I'm not supposed to believe anything he says. So he said we'll just put it as "as we agree" in the paper work. I told him ok but I'm still not ok with it, because that would mean that I would have to trust him and he's lost that credibility with me. I said ok so that I wouldn't get into some agruement that would cause me to lose control, but I will seek some advice from my prepaid lawyer.
I wanted to share this so you can have some missing pieces to my story, this is from my thread in the Newcomers forum.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...456#Post2424456
Woohoo! I'm off of moderation. Thank God!
Dylis,
What's w/all of the "bumps" on your thread today? Please understand that we will read your postings and get back to you as quickly as possible. Many of the posters work jobs or are busy throughout the day, but come on periodically when time permits. So, with that little bit out of the way, please breathe!
My thoughts about your posting. If you are not okay w/him taking your child out of the country, why go along w/what he was saying? If you do agree to it, I would most certainly have it stipulated that he will need to provide you w/the information as to where he's going and where he's staying so, as well as flight info, so that you can be fully aware of his intentions.
Thank you Job. I was bumping the thread, not just my last posts. It looks like a thread gets replies when they're listed on the first page. My first and original thread in the newcomers forum haven't received any replies in over two weeks...it went dead. So I was doing it to get some attention so that this too won't go dead and I guess it worked (a little). Maybe I'm expecting too much from this community, I'll hone it back.
As for the travel, we said we'll work on the terms so that we are both okay with it. So negotiations are not complete.
Actually,
Posters do look at threads on other pages. However, in order to keep your thread alive and if you aren't getting responses, come here more regularly and post. If poster see that you don't come too often, they can only assume that you are away on travel or not following your own thread. This Forum is more active in the way of posting...but people aren't going to post if they don't hear back from you either.
So, post away and tell us what's been happening w/you and your family. Just because your h is acting out, doesn't mean that you can't come here and post about yourself and what you've been doing to keep the focus on you.
Glad to hear that the negotiations on the travel are still being worked on. Hopefully you and your h can reach an agreement on them very soon.
Thank you Job. I was bumping the thread, not just my last posts. It looks like a thread gets replies when they're listed on the first page. My first and original thread in the newcomers forum haven't received any replies in over two weeks...it went dead. So I was doing it to get some attention so that this too won't go dead and I guess it worked (a little). Maybe I'm expecting too much from this community, I'll hone it back.
As for the travel, we said we'll work on the terms so that we are both okay with it. So negotiations are not complete.
I totally understand where you're coming from. It's not like the forums I'm used to where there is more traffic. It seems here people gravitate towards sitch's that are similar to their own. At least that's what I do. Eventually those people respond but I haven't really had any "vets" chime in on my sitch yet(just a handful of nice people that offer support every once in a while). Maybe that's a good thing. I feel like I'm handling things ok but I'm not entirely sure. It would be nice to have some more of my questions answered but I'll figure it out. As I'm sure you will too.
Just post a lot. Journal here if you have to. Vent.
About your question... I agree with job. Get all the info you can get regarding his trip. Agree to have daily communication with your child.
Just post a lot. Journal here if you have to. Vent.
About your question... I agree with job. Get all the info you can get regarding his trip. Agree to have daily communication with your child.
Thanks for the understanding 2x. Honestly, right now, I'm tired of venting and journaling. I'm pretty sure moments will come where venting and journaling is what I'll need, but in this moment I need answers to my questions. I need reassurance that I'm doing a good job or I'm doing a bad job or that I'm doing both. I need advice from people who've been there and done that. I could be wrong about what I need, but it's what I'm feeling. You see you said that you think you're handling things okay but you're not entirely sure...that's exactly how I feel.
Nevertheless, I'll keep posting. People will respond and I'll be grateful for it. I guess what I'm missing is feedback. I'm not getting any feedback from H and I'm not getting as much feedback as I'd like to from this forum. So how can I figure out if what I'm doing is working or not working?
What type of questions are running through your head? What do you need reassurances on/about? We can't give you feedback unless you give us sometime to respond to as to what is going on w/you and your situation. How about an update? Write down how you feel or what you think you should be feeling.
How are you doing? How is your little one doing? What are you doing to stay busy? What are you doing to keep your focus on you and your child? What are your plans for spring?
As of right now, I don't have any questions. My concerns were for some of my previous questions that went unanswered. I've already posted some of the things that I've been doing that I didn't get feedback from. Again, mostly from my Newcomers thread that I inserted a link to here in this forum in a previous post. I understand that not all of my posts will get replies, so it's ok. Moving on...
Since my D just turned 3, she is officially allowed to join the children's choir at the church. We attended the first practice this past Wednesday and I couldn't be more proud of her. She wasn't shy, repeated the words, sang the ABCs, danced and twirled to the music. It was great. Their next performance will be for mother's day and what a great gift it shall be to see her perform.
Second class tonight for the women's bible study I'm in. They gave us a binder filled with things to read, homework assignments -- or holywork as they call it, and lists of bible verses to refer to. The readings and holywork are very helpful and this is just from the first week. So I'm really looking forward to completing this series just to see how much it helped me.
It's been a week again since H has spoken to or seen our D. Oh well, his loss.
Tomorrow I plan to go to IC, visit a friend in the hospital, go to the public library for story time with D, and then going out with the girls again. It's nice to be going out with them again so soon. Lately, we've only been hanging out to celebrate kids' birthdays, so it's nice to have adult fun for a change. Most likely another long night...can't wait!
Last week I felt good that H was calling at least once a day and giving me the opportunity to not answer. This week there were no phone calls besides the one from Monday that I previously posted about. So although I felt good about it last week, this week the feeling is not the same...no pursuit. And with him not interacting with D, I don't get to hear him pumping information out of her about me. Crazy, huh? It's like a post I read here in the community, can't remember which one, but the poster felt that his/her partner was doing the LRT on them. So they wondered if both people were doing the LRT on each other, would they cancel out? Would it be DBing? I believe someone's response to the poster was that the LRT isn't some trick used to get your partner back, it's a technique to get yourself back (not exact words but that's what I got from it). My point is that I can understand why the poster felt that way, because that's how I'm feeling now. So, I'm glad I read that post before I got this feeling.
I'm glad your little one is in the church choir. She'll enjoy it and she will continue to grow by leaps and bounds. This will help her self esteem too. I'm sure you were very proud of her.
Sounds like you've got some things to keep you busy the next few days.
Sometimes the MLCer will call or drop by and then disappear. I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that's not contacted you this week. If and when he's ready, he will drop in once again. No contact and the LRT are not to win your spouse back. The tools we discuss here are for you, the LBS. They are to help you gain a bit of distance and find your footing. If you are in constant contact w/the MLCer, you will be on the same coaster ride that they are on, i.e., emotional ups and downs. The tools allow you to find some peace and quiet and yes, even begin to see just how nutty the spouses are right now. But most importantly, it helps you to find a better way to deal w/them.
Sit quietly, the answers will come and yes, he'll be touch w/you again very soon.
All my plans for the weekend went through but had some bumps along the way. There's so much I want to talk about but I don't feel like or want to type them all on here.
I mostly felt mad this weekend. Mad at my family, my friends, my IC...or maybe it's not mad but annoyance. But then I was told that there are 4 main feelings: glad, mad, sad, and scared and that any other feeling can be grouped into one of those categories; so annoyance falls under mad...so I'm mad.
I almost missed my group study on Friday night because my mother couldn't babysit my daughter anymore last minute. So I called my sister, my brother, some cousins, and finally my husband and they all said they couldn't watch her...the ones who actually answered my call or replied to my text. H couldn't watch her because he wasn't in town and this is how I find out about it. Not that I need to know his every move but for the sake of being there for your D, it would be nice to know that your not going to be in town before you actually go out of town. Shared responsibility my A**. I panicked and eventually broke down in tears in front of my D in my parked car in a parking lot (not on the phone with H). I made sure I sounded okay and kept the call very short. In fact as soon as he said he couldn't I said okay and then said bye. Anyway, through the tears and my D saying mommy don't cry, I started praying and God made a way. I thought of someone who I wouldn't have thought of otherwise and that's who pulled through for me. Someone who isn't family, who isn't a close friend, who isn't or wasn't a part of my support group, and she was the one who said yes. Long story short, I made it to my class and I was grateful and we and our children hung out for a while after I got back. My D made some new friends and I made a new connection with my good friend. So although my night started out bumpy it ended smoothly and we scheduled future play dates.
Saturday morning I went to my third session with my new IC and left there feeling angry. My employer switched insurance companies which caused me to break ties with my previous IC because he didn't accept the new insurance provider. So in my search of a new IC I chose to visit with this one. What attracted me to her first was the name of her practice, Successful Unions. I took pointers from DR and the Choosing a Marriage Therapist post in the "When Therapy Hurts" Forum to aid me in choosing a therapist, because although I was searching for an IC the pointers still applied here. Long story short, she ended up being no good at all...causing more damage than helping. I gave her this third chance you know to be fair and forget 3 strikes you're out. She called my H my soon-to-be-ex and when I told her I didn't want to call him that she replied well isn't that what he is...No, he's my husband! If I accepted that title for him I felt that it would hinder my PMA. She's divorced herself and doesn't seem to be pro-marriage. Successful Unions my A**! There's more but I'll end it there.
Saturday night's hanging with the girls turned into hanging with a girl. I was invited by a co-worker to this event Saturday night, so I invited the girls because I didn't want to be out alone with the co-worker and his friends. I needed familiar people there with me. So I invited them and they all said they were going. I even confirmed with them on Friday. So one of them texted about 45 minutes before the event that she might not be coming because her babysitter fell through, she texted this to all of us. So when she sent this the other two I guess decided they weren't going anymore either, but they failed to contact me and when I called and texted them they did not answer or reply. What the heck?! Anyway, the one friend was able to find another babysitter and came to my house to pick me up. I asked her did she hear from the other two, she said no, but will send them a text. And guess what, they replied to her. One said she couldn't go because she was tired and the other said "oh, I thought we weren't going anymore from the text you sent." Wasn't I the one who invited them out!?! So wouldn't it be my call of whether it's cancelled or not? I took a deep breath and said I won't let this ruin my night and I went to the event with the one friend and we had a great time. Got home after 4am.
When I did get home. I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed about my situation, prayed for my two friends in the hospital, my husband, my friends, my family, my co-worker, etc...I just prayed. I finished and felt so much better about my bumpy weekend. Then a weird thing happened. I found myself calling my H. His phone was off so it went straight to voicemail. I left this message, "Hi (his name), it's (my name). I just wanted to say that Jesus loves you and that God has a wonderful plan for your life. Amen." Then I hung up and went to bed. He called the next morning, early. Missed the call because I went to pick up my D from the babysitter and didn't have the phone with me. Called him back but had my D talking to him because he called Saturday to speak with her but she wasn't with me. So they spoke, this time I had the call on speaker, and towards the end of the conversation when my D started to say goodbye, he threw in that he got my message. He didn't say anything more about it and I didn't respond (didn't know how to) then they said their goodbyes and my D hung up.
Sunday went to church, played at the playground with D, hung out with my family, then went home and had a Netflix binge with D. No superbowl for us...can't afford cable. All-in-all a good day.
So what I got from this weekend is that there will always be obstacles in your path, but with the right tools and the right leader (God) you'll overcome them. And I'm making sure that I only hold on to the good things that happened this weekend: new connection with my friend, the playdate opportunities for D, the great event and the new acquaintences from Saturday, my message for H, and the peace from Sunday.
I know very long one...until next time.
It appears that you had quite the weekend, a weekend to learn how to rely on yourself and how to deal w/the many obstacles that have crossed your path.
I can understand the anger and annoyance, but maybe it's time to take a look at your situation, since your mother has indicated that she can't babysit anymore last minute. Think about it, how many times have you called her last minute? Your mother may have had plans in the past and had to change them to take care of your little one. Maybe it's time to put a back up plan in place in case you need someone last minute and no one else is available. Not smacking your hands or being harsh, but maybe people are starting to feel a bit "used" at the last minute and have to change their plans to accommodate your needs. I'm glad someone stepped up to the plate to take care of your little one. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways.
One more lesson for you....keep your expectations at zero or very low, especially w/your h. If it wasn't his weekend to have your daughter, then you shouldn't have expected him to be in town or to notify you that he was out of town, if you are separated. As a general courtesy rule, yes, it would have been nice to be informed, but he didn't...however, he had his phone so that you could call him in case of an emergency.
Yes, you are angry and that's one of the stages of grief. You are going to be angry at every little thing for quite a while...but you'll need to rein that anger in when dealing w/others. As for the insurance company switch, when searching for a therapist, call around and ask if they are solution based. If they aren't...then you should continue looking around. Some therapists are very good and then, they are others that figure since you are separated, the life is going south, per se and a divorce will come. Some don't recognize MLC at all and others do. Ask questions before you make an appointment, if you get the opportunity. Do a search of the practice and see what's out there on the internet about said practice.
I'm going to ask a question that may anger you...but the two ladies that didn't attend the Saturday evening meet up...have you been discussing your situation w/them? Have you been complaining to them? If so, they may have opted not to meet up because they didn't want to hear about the situation again. If that is the case, it's best to choose one friend to lean on to discuss your situation.
Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror...you are not a victim...you need to get stronger and more independent and yes, you are a survivor.
Hey dylis
It does sound like quite the weekend. It really is a pain getting a counselor/therapist that isn't on the same page as you. I find that soon to be ex comment pretty insulting actually. I'm glad you found some positives. There's always a positive in every situation.
I wonder if you're slowly moving on from shock? Maybe you were just having an off day.
Gotta go, my son wants to play choo choo train;)
Not smacking your hands or being harsh, but maybe people are starting to feel a bit "used" at the last minute and have to change their plans to accommodate your needs.
I did come to that realization a little while ago. That's why two weeks ago I held a family meeting letting them know when and how I would need their help. I had them pretty much volunteer for when they can step in, my mom chose to be babysitter for Friday night, and the sister who I called was the back up. And the cousins who I called after that were the back up of the back up. This is what we all agreed upon. But it goes to show that no matter how much you prepare, plans and arrangements can still fall through the cracks.
If it wasn't his weekend to have your daughter, then you shouldn't have expected him to be in town or to notify you that he was out of town, if you are separated...however, he had his phone so that you could call him in case of an emergency.
That's the other thing that bugs me, we don't have a schedule for him to have D. He just calls the day before and says I would like to have or see D or calls an hour before to swing by to see D (literally, he pops up says Hi, how was school, I love you, then leaves, no more than 5 minutes). I don't go out of my way to accommodate him and I don't always say yes because we have plans. He doesn't want to have a schedule he just wants to see her when he feels like it. But you're right just in case of emergency he did have and answered his phone, so I'll look at that as a positive.
As for the anger I haven't shown anyone my anger. With my mom I smiled, told her I understood, even cracked a joke for us to laugh about, and told her thanks. Honestly, the only place I've expressed my anger and annoyance is right here in this thread. Even with the IC, I smiled and tactfully changed the subject. I will definitely be asking the questions over the phone next time before I make an appointment.
I'm going to ask a question that may anger you...but the two ladies that didn't attend the Saturday evening meet up...have you been discussing your situation w/them? Have you been complaining to them? If so, they may have opted not to meet up because they didn't want to hear about the situation again. If that is the case, it's best to choose one friend to lean on to discuss your situation.
Don't worry Job, this did not anger me. They each heard my situation only once over a month ago, I haven't been complaining to them. It's the one who ended up coming who have kept abreast of my sitch. The others ask how am I doing once in a while and ask how is D doing and has she seen H, and I just answer them. Good, she's good, not really or no or not since whenever. They do the complaining for me. Lol. But one of them is happily married and maybe my sitch dampens her bliss (newlyweds) and the other has her own difficult sitch right now, her boyfriend has been hospitalized with cancer (another purpose for the outing was for her to get away as well). So although I was annoyed there's no way I'm ever going to tell them that I was disappointed. I just think that the other two treat the one as the ring leader and whatever she does or say they follow. Something I've been battling with internally throughout our friendships. We've all been friends since middle school. But that's a whole other story and this post is just as long as my last one.
Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror...you are not a victim...you need to get stronger and more independent and yes, you are a survivor.
All things I am working on since I found out about codependency.
I do think I am moving on from shock, if I'm not out of it yet. I believe it's the women's group and holywork assignments and this online community that's pulling me through; because they are, really, just for me.
Children
. Heading to play hide and seek with D after this last post. She's been asking for like 5 minutes now.
The week has been good. H came by Monday evening on his way back from Orlando to see D. He stayed for about 15 minutes. The usual conversation with D...how are you, how was school, what are you learning this week, etc. This time around I was a little hospitable/welcoming: offered him a drink (he said no thank you), must have seemed more welcoming because he actually sat down on the couch this time, and instead of receiving just a peck on the cheek hello and goodbye I also received a hug hello and I gave him a hug goodbye. He opened up and talked about his business a little, how he was able to make some sales and that he's expecting a good pay out in March the latest. He also said that he would use this "pay out" to pay the back rent for me and D, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. I've already made plans and arrangements to get that squared away this month and if he does happen to pull through, I'll probably prepay rent with it. He asked could he have D for the weekend and I asked him to define weekend. If he finds an extra bed he would like to have her Friday night through Saturday evening, if not, just Saturday. Again, no expectations, especially since he hasn't confirmed with me about the weekend. So I'm making plans as if he's not going to show and if he shows or calls hopefully we're not in the middle of our plans. But if we are, he'll just have to schedule for some other time.
Well that's been all my excitement for the week and that was from Monday. Going to do some holywork from my group study and then heading to bed early. I got a migraine attack today at work and had problems seeing, my sister had to pick me up because I couldn't drive (we both suffer from them, so she knows how I feel), so I know my body needs the rest. And the only other thing I can think of to share is that I miss my in-laws and it's weird calling them in-laws because I call them, in our language, mom, dad, sisters, and niece. I pray that God will give them the ability to forgive me one day.
I just wanted to thank you on your thread for your prayers on my thread. If you read my last post you'll see the goof I made. Oops.
Seems like life is pretty drama free for you right now regarding your h.
I can't remember but do you have trust issues with your h regarding your d?
Sorry to hear about your migraine. I've never heard of anybody having troubles seeing. That seems pretty serious.
Did you play hide and seek today. Hehe.
I do have trust issues with him and D. I don't think he can be with her more than 12 hours doing nothing or doing everything. He doesn't take care of her. He plays with her and feed her, but that's about it. He won't bathe her, brush her teeth, get her ready for bed, get her ready for the day...he just, IDK, use her for show. This was the case even before the separation. His perspective is that I am mommy and mommy does everything child related. So all this stuff of him needing to be with her is a facade. He wants to show the world that he's a good dad...but good dad hasn't been with dear daughter in two weeks. Last time he spent more than 15 minutes with D was two weeks ago Saturday. Hmph and he wants "shared responsibility". God forbid anything happens to my daughter while she's with him because he won't know her blood type, her allergy, what medication she's taking, etc. And it's not that he was never told, it's just not necessary for him to know because mommy knows. You know he told on me. He went to my mother one day and complained that I wasn't bathing our daughter every day and she actually confronted me about it. So when I spoke to him about it, I asked, "On the days that I didn't bathe our daughter, how many days did you?" And he sat there in silence. He just sees her out of convenience and when she is no longer convenient he brings her back to mommy. And now that we're living apart I fear that when she becomes inconvenient and I'm too far to get to, he might just leave it to someone else to watch her. Whoever is conveniently there.
But that's something I'm working on and turning over to God. He can't prove to be trustworthy if I don't give him a chance. So we'll start off small and work our way up to longer and farther away visits.
No hide and seek, we've been riding the big wheel.
Dylis, so sorry to hear that your H is not taking care of your D. My first xh was like that. He wanted nothing to do with my son, except to use him for show. This were my exact words to described it. I accepted it at the time, I knew he was not a good Dad. We both were very young. I think he stepped up it a bit in his 3-rd marriage. I don’t know the details, but I’ve heard that he was more involved with his daughter. Your H might need some growing to do regarding being a good Dad. Meantime, it is up to you to decide if you can trust him to have your D for longer periods of time.
He sent a text this morning asking can he still get D this morning. I told him she will be getting her hair done and that she has a play date at 2:30. I said you didn't confirm if you were coming or not. Then he calls. I did a quick prayer to tame my tongue, then answered. He asks me what's a play date? So I explain. Then he says is the child a boy? No, it's a girl and then I gave him the girl's name, her mother's name, and told him I've known the mother since childhood. Then he goes on to say that he didn't confirm for Friday you know because of the extra bed thing, but he did plan to be with her today (Saturday). I told him but you didn't confirm, all you said was that you wanted and Monday was the last time we talked about it at all. He never gave me a time, does Saturday mean all day or just a few hours, and if he did confirm then he wouldn't have had to send me a text that same morning wondering can he come and get her. Then I finally spoke out about the time he said he wanted to pick D up from school, when he didn't confirm if he was still going to or not, when I received a call from her school at 5:45 saying daddy hasn't picked her up yet, when I had to scurry over to the school before 6pm so that I wouldn't be charged late pick up fees, when he finally calls (without an apology) at 8pm that he's on his way home from Orlando can I swing by and see D, and then I let him. I didn't say all this to him of course, I'm just painting the picture for you guys. Of course, he didn't know what I was talking about...how convenient. So I placed in some memory stamps and then he remembered and said oh. He sounds annoyed but says okay how about tomorrow? I say sure, after church. Church is over at 12:30pm, we will be home at 1pm. He said, he'll be there at 1:15pm.
I learned my lesson a while ago, so now it's his turn. We'll see what happens. Hopefully it won't backfire in any way.
Thank you BrightFuture. I just wish that I had enough grounds to, if this divorce was to be finalized (which of course I don't want), convince the court that visitation should be supervised or done in my home. I don't know if you read my previous posts but he plans to move to Haiti and wants my D to visit him there on occasion. Although we've spoken about it and he tried to assure me that she will be safe and in his care, I just can't get okay with it. Call it women's intuition, mother's instincts, whatever...I don't trust him enough. But I need proof because the courts won't decide on hearsay.
Hey dylis.
I agree that you should start small with regards to your h tak8ng care of your d. I think some guys have that built into them that mommy does everything. When I first became a father I told my ex that I wouldn't be able to do some things. Namely diapers and barfing. I don't know why I changed but I do everything now. I'm not phased one bit with his poop or barf. I know I do more for our son than my ex does.
My point is, your h might have a change of heart down the line. That's why it is a good idea to start small. It really does s*ck when a parent doesn't do their parent duties.
I hope he realizes he's gonna have to step up if he wants to label himself a good dad.
Here's the link to your newly created thread entitled "Response when the MLC ask do you miss them?"
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2430505#Post2430505
Hey dylis. I just read your other thread.
Thanks for your prayers. It means a lot:)
Get back on here!! I agree with others. Reading only does so much. Just being able to get your thoughts out to strangers is therapeutic. I hope you are reading this right now, post your thoughts!! There are helpful people here.