My thread was almost full...and it is a new year, so time for a new thread.
Here is the old one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2416936&page=10I'm going to post some goals here in a bit.
First, update: Not much has been going on since Christmas. Just a few ups and downs. I think I'm finally learning how to handle things better. I'm slower to react to H's moods and mean words. I feel a lot more at peace. I still hate Limboland...but I'm getting stronger.
New Year's Eve, H was working and kids were with my sister so I drank way too much wine and spent a lot of time on Facebook with some amazing people. I didn't want to actually go out and be around people I would have to put a happy face on for...so I had a lot of fun just chilling at home...getting to be myself.
I started running again yesterday... I have a Half that I'm training for. Ugh. Why do I torture myself like that? Lol. I'm not even a very good runner...but it keeps me active.
I have had a few convos with H where I shut down an imminent fight by validating and STFU. So, that stuff REALLY works.
Goals for this year, for starters:
Take care of ME better:
Eat healthier... More veggies and protein, drink more water
Exercise more...make time to do activities that I enjoy (mountain biking, hiking, trail running, mud runs, etc.)
Make more time to pray, meditate, read Bible, etc.
Take more time for myself to just relax, read good books, take long baths and long walks outside, enjoy nature, etc.
Lose the last 40 lbs.(Been trying to do this FOREVER.. ugh.)
I have some other things I am working on, as well, like spending more time doing quality things with my kids, etc. I'll write those out later.
Great goals Ang. All about YOU!!! Love it.
Good luck Ang. I'll be over here cheering you on from the sideline! LOL.
That is a great list of goals. I might just have to borrow a few of them myself... just not the half marathon.
Glad you had a good New Years. I did too.
Keep us posted on those pounds as you drop them and we'll help keep pushing you. I am still trying to lose more weight too... maybe 15 more pounds for me to start (smaller goals, easier to reach!) and then another 15 after that probably.
Eat your veggies girl and drink some water. Do you want me to nag you on those too? They are also on my list. If I drink water everytime I think to remind YOU to do it, then I bet it will go better. lol.
Angela,
I'm trying to lose 30 by September 1. I bought a mini-trampoline and it's helping. Can't say I've lost anything yet, but I like being able to bounce and watch some show.
Bouncing my way to buff!!
Heather
Spinning a bit today...and the ride is all in my own head! ARGH!
H has actually been very nice the past few days. We had a really great evening yesterday. He's been laughing and smiling more. Brought home a card a couple of days ago for no reason that he had the kids sign that said "Thanks for being our mom," and then, he wrote some flirty remark in it.
He has been texting me more just to check in, etc. He been smacking me on the rear and flirting with me...and just being more like his "old," fun self.
However, today, I hadn't heard from him all day. No expectations, right? Then, he texted me a bit ago to say that he doesn't have as much money in his personal account as he thought he did (account that he started last year, after BD) so he can't give me the gasoline money I asked for.
I wondered why he wasn't at home sleeping (he works nights) so I casually asked what he'd been up to today? He has a side business, selling construction products. It was this "side" business that he used to cover up a lot of his EA. Trips back to his hometown to "sell" stuff were opportunities to see OW. Anyway, he said that he's been out trying to sell stuff today to make some money.
And, instantly, it was like a hit to my gut, all over again. What if he's back in the EA? What if he's still lying about everything? What if he's seeing someone else?
He keeps "forgetting" to bring his bag (with clothes, toiletries, etc.) back home that he moved out in November. I haven't been pressuring him or asking him about this, but I keep wondering, if he's really trying to make it work, then why is he still keeping stuff at his friend's house? Also, I have yet to meet this "friend"...what if it's a woman!? What if I'm really that stupid?
So, I'm trying to chill out and DB and NOT text him or ask where he's really been. I know he'll just lie, if there is something to hide. No point in asking him. I start thinking I can trust him again...and then, it'll hit me out of nowhere that I don't trust him. Not sure that I ever will.
Well, Angela no one can fault your for NOT trusting right now under the circumstances. You can't control the anxiety and lack of trust, but you can control how you act on it, right?
So... it sounds like in a sense you already know this. You just needed someone to nod and agree.
In a way the "I don't have a lot of money in my account" and "I went out to sell some stuff" actually come together to build a fairly credible story to someone looking at this situation from the outside. He saw he was short on money and decided he should go out and try and fix that. Seems straightforward enough.
And the "I didn't have as much money in my account as I thought I did" happens to ALL of us at some point, doesn't it? So imagine how easily it can happen to an MLCer who is more prone to confusion, lack of attention, and irresponsibility than the average adult. (Not bringing home the bag is pretty typical MLC behavior too... they may need that sense that they can still "get away" if they need to. That they are not trapped back into the home situation until they are fully comfortable with being there).
Whether he is still doing some OW related behaviors or not, does that change what you want or intend to do for the immediate future?
Don't let your head go to that "I'll never trust him place" ...it does no good to try and anticipate your future potential for trust on his CURRENT actions. Of course you can't trust THAT guy, he's still kind of a nut. But with luck he is not the guy who you will get back and that new guy may be willing to put in the hard work to earn your trust back. You can't know for sure yet, but maybe try to give him the benefit of the doubt in the meantime?
Get off the cycle and go do your running to clear your head.
Thanks, Tiger....
Yep, I "knew" that I'm spinning and imagining things that might not even be happening. Just needed a light smack to the head to move on...and get back to my life. LOL.
Running is an excellent idea!
Hi Angela,
I so know where you are. You start to see some positive signs and then some trigger hits you up side the head and your mind starts spinning. All of a sudden all the little positives get overwhelmed by the "what ifs." Tiger is right - and she has called me on it many times - keep your focus and avoid the doomsday scenarios. It could be perfectly innocent, but if it turns out not to be, it doesn't really change what you intend to do - in db'ing or for yourself. Breathe and get back on track.
More exercise and healthier eating in on my goals list for this year, too. I like the walks and enjoying nature, too. I may borrow that one!
2T2M
2T2M,
You are exactly right. Whatever H is or isn't doing right now doesn't change the path that I'm on right now, anyway...so I need to stop worrying about it.
I HATE those stupid triggers, though. I'll be cruising along, perfectly fine...and hit one of those...and it's a knife to the heart, all over again. I am getting better at dealing with it and moving on, though. So, that's good.
I'll try to catch up on your sitch soon. I read some of your posts over the holidays...
Thanks for your advice!
Ang
Yep, Ang. I, too, once thought a PA would be a deal-killer. Then I thought that certain behaviors withing a PA would be. I keep finding that I'm willing to give more as each of these boundaries are breached - so far!
Bringing this over here so I don't hijack T2's thread.
So, MH and others, why is that? I know some people who did NOT put up with a PA. As soon as they discovered it, the marriage was over...D was filed, etc. And, they moved on.
What does that say about us that we keep moving that line? I KNOW that I deserve to be treated better. I'm not some pathetic lady who thinks I will "never love again"....blah...blah...blah. It's not that I stay because I'm afraid of being alone, really. I'm a strong woman. I could go it alone, if I have to.
So, is it because I believe in my vows, even with an affair? Is it because of my kids? Is it because I have hope that there is a better relationship for me and H, after we get through this?
I'm not sure what this all says about me. Lots of people around me do NOT understand this at all. I keep getting pressure and questions about why I haven't kicked him out and D'd yet. And I don't have an explanation.
For me Angela, it is because I know about MLC, that there is something "wrong" with W. The behavioral changes, her whole personality shift, the stranger.
And knowing what I do of her upbringing, the s3xual abuse, lack of validation, etc, etc, all makes "sense" when put into the context of MLC/mental health issues.
They didn't "choose" this bad wiring that has now short-circuited.
People have mental and physical health issues. You don't just toss them to the side of the road. The people who do not understand you and what you are doing, would look down upon someone divorcing their spouse because they developed a debilitating health condition, or a dis-figuring accident, I would imagine. Or a "recognized" mental health issue such as clinical depression, etc.
You have to give them time to recover, work through it, to heal. That's what those vows were all about. Not abandoning your mate because of something temporary (hopefully), or small, petty.
There may be a time when, yes, you have to let them go, but those vows meant you try, give them some time, the benefit of the doubt, for a while.
Imo, our "easy button", instant gratification society and culture have engendered a "Oh, my W is broke, I'll get a new one! There, problem fixed, what game is on TV tonight?" attitude. Not doing deep water trolling there...
Hope that made some sense, need more coffee...
T2,
That did make sense. Very much so.
I guess I see this "standing" thing as you do, but it's hard because I have those typical outsiders who keep thinking I'm "making excuses" for his bad behavior.
My H came from a home where his real dad was overbearing, and religious to the extreme (would wake H up in the middle of the night for Bible studies, etc. so now H won't go to church with me, etc.)...was very judgemental, etc. His mom was very permissive...let H do anything he wanted to. After his parents D when H was in middle school, his mom started acting like his best friend, instead of a mom.
H partied, slept around, and pretty much did whatever he wanted to from the age of 13 on.
She then remarried....and the stepdad is a complete and total A**HOLE! He is one of the worst people I have ever know. He calls my MIL horrible names and treats her like she is nothing. (Hhhmmm...wonder where H got that from?)
Anyway, stepdad used to party with H, instead of being a father figure. H had no boundaries and no rules...BUT at the same time, H could "never do anything right"...he was constantly belittled and told how useless and stupid he was.
So, H has LOTS of deep-seated issues. I see that. I can see how those things are coming out, now. But, I don't see H ever being willing to work on, and fix, those issues within himself.
But, I don't see H ever being willing to work on, and fix, those issues within himself.
Is that your head, heart or intuition talking? Or all, or none?
Thanks again T2 for reminding us of the "illness" way of viewing the MLC. This is something that falls out of my sleep deprived brain all too often.
Maybe I can get this printed on the other side of my STFU bracelet.
T2, interesting question. I'm not sure.
He's told me numerous times that his issues are HIS to fix and nobody else's business.
He has said that he will "never" attend counseling....has said this for all 15 years of our M.
Also, in my eyes, he just doesn't SEE how screwed up his childhood was. He makes fun of how nice my childhood was....says my family is just "faking" it....that no family gets along as well as mine does, etc.
He really does NOT see how messed up he is due to childhood stuff.
The reason I ask is because in my heart and gut (aka, intuition), I have felt that she could overcome her demons.
My head quite a few times begged to differ.
I believe in her, still.
Hy heart and intuition haven't changed yet.
That's a big part of what kept and keeps me going.
My heart and gut tell me to keep trying...to keep DBing...that he'll get better. That he'll heal and get through this.
My head tells me I'm an idiot. LOL. But, seriously.....
I know, my head had plenty of hissy fits through this (still does from time to time)...
Hey Ang. Wanted to stop by to see how you are doing.
You know, I get how you are feeling.
This is how I felt. I felt it was my life and no one really had a right to an opinion about it. I mean, they can have an opinion, but, it wouldnt affect my decisions.
I stood to honor my long term marriage and the father of my children. I stood because I saw first hand, close up, someone in crisis and I knew that I would have wanted him to stand for me if I was in one.
I stood because I loved him and because I vowed to.
But mostly I stood because it was the right thing to do. Once I decided that it was what I wanted to do, I knew that I had to do it for as long as I could.
I wanted to look back and see that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to answer my son yes when he asked, (and he did) if I fought as hard as I could for our family. Because that all mattered.
Other people can have feel however they want. They werent walking in my shoes. I had to be able to put my head on my pillow at night and know that I chose to do the right thing.
It doesnt mean you are a fool. Far from it, Ang. It makes you special. It makes you strong and loving and brave. It makes you different than most.
But this should never be done at the expense of you. There may come a time when the cost is too great. Until then, remember that this mattered, your stand. It will matter to your children, to your head and heart and hopefully to your h one day.
Hey Ang. Wanted to stop by to see how you are doing.
You know, I get how you are feeling.
This is how I felt. I felt it was my life and no one really had a right to an opinion about it. I mean, they can have an opinion, but, it wouldnt affect my decisions.
I stood to honor my long term marriage and the father of my children. I stood because I saw first hand, close up, someone in crisis and I knew that I would have wanted him to stand for me if I was in one.
I stood because I loved him and because I vowed to.
But mostly I stood because it was the right thing to do. Once I decided that it was what I wanted to do, I knew that I had to do it for as long as I could.
I wanted to look back and see that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to answer my son yes when he asked, (and he did) if I fought as hard as I could for our family. Because that all mattered.
Other people can have feel however they want. They werent walking in my shoes. I had to be able to put my head on my pillow at night and know that I chose to do the right thing.
It doesnt mean you are a fool. Far from it, Ang. It makes you special. It makes you strong and loving and brave. It makes you different than most.
But this should never be done at the expense of you. There may come a time when the cost is too great. Until then, remember that this mattered, your stand. It will matter to your children, to your head and heart and hopefully to your h one day.
Thank you for ALL of this uR. I am really struggling this week...with lots of things. I guess, because things were going pretty well for a few days, I let my guard down on those pesky expectations.
I started thinking, "wow...this is getting better....we're headed for better days. yay!" only to be slammed on Wed. and again today with a very, very angry and confused man.
I'm just so weary of how hard this is. I know it will be hard for a lot longer, and I've got to pick myself up...but for today, I'm just weary.
I'm weary of being told how horrible I am...what a B*tch I am...how everything under the sun is my fault...how he never loved me....how I was never a good wife...how everything single thing I do/say is wrong.
I went several weeks without crying and now I can't stop crying.
I'm starting to doubt myself...and I hate that.
I'm getting impatient for things to just be better...long term.
But it helps, uR, to hear the reasons why you stood....to hear your thought process behind it. Thank you for taking the time to check in.
I truly appreciate it.
I'm bringing this over from another discussion. It really made me pretty defensive...and I'm trying to figure out if it's because I need to work more on this or if it's because I got defensive when it doesn't even apply to my situation:
"we tell LBSs that they need to have pity and compassion for what their WAS is going through but that advice usually falls on deaf ears. It's so much easier to just blame the WAS than it is to try and understand what they are going through. They are hurting, angry, confused, lonely, etc. All the things the LBS is, but for different reasons."
The thing is, I HAVE been being compassionate, kind, forgiving, loving, giving, and good to my H....at first, I wasn't. But, for the past 6-8 months, I've turned myself inside out to be that kind of woman toward him....and it HASN'T MATTERED to H ONE BIT!
He is still calling me ugly, horrible names. He is still angry and blaming me for EVERYTHING. It can be as simple as we ran out of bread, and the kids didn't tell me so I didn't know...and HE loses it because we're out of bread.
We ALL have to walk on eggshells every darn day because we never know "which" guy weren't going to have that day or what will set him off.
He is a manipulative, mean, liar...and yet, MOST DAYS, I stay kind and nice to him. I do a WHOLE lot of STFU to keep the peace in our home.
Why am I supposed to be having pity party for him??? What if I am trying VERY, VERY hard to do this DB stuff and do what's right and it isn't changing anything?!
You're welcome, Ang.
Ok, so, here's how I feel about the above. I understand that the MLCer is in crisis. I get that. As I said, I have seen in up close more than once.
But, MLC does not give them a pass on their actions. It just doesnt. They werent held at gunpoint. They chose these actions. Yes, they did so while they were unsteady, while they were in pain. But, at some point, they have to own what they did.
I had written a post about this. It is important to remember how the LBS suffers, too. How their heart and their world is torn apart. How the stand can rock what they thought they knew.
Both parties suffer here, albeit in different ways.
I looked at it this way. I loved my h with everything I had. I had compassion for his pain. I wouldnt trade being in their head for anything.
But I had compassion for me, too. For what I had gone through, for the stand I took, for the way I loved.
It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
It is why detaching is so important. But what is equally important is for him to see your strength and for you to see it, too.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
FYI, that was a RANT up there ^^^^^^^^. I'm good now. LOL.
You're welcome, Ang.
It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
Thank you, uR!!!!
What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I am so sorry that you lived with that for so long. You are right, the marriage cant get better when only one person is working on it. And he certainly cant right now because he is in crazyville. That's why you have to put it safely in a box for now.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
That's a very good possibility, A. We have new tools, so we see things more clearly at time.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
It is confusing and heartbreaking, it's true. The thing is that this is counterintuitive to how you think you should be acting. You think you have to hold on real tight so as not to lose him. When in reality, holding on makes them want to work harder to get away. They are trying to get your off their pant leg. And when you dont let go, they have to shake their leg even harder to get you off.
But standing up for yourself is never wrong, Ang. Not allowing yourself to be abused in anyway isnt either. It is not ok to be treated like that. And if you stand up for yourself and he leaves, then you would have stood up for yourself and he made a choice. How is that your fault?
You want to be strong and confident for you. And the hope and possibility is that he sees it, too.
If your marriage gets saved as a result of you not standing up for yourself and leaving things the way they are - is your marriage really saved?
You have to want more for yourself. You have to feel deserving of it. You want a marriage based on respect, A. You want a marriage built of trust. Trust that he will treat you with honor and dignity. And that you will do the same. It may seem like a thin line, but, really it isnt.
In order to have a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy and so does he. You cant do anything about his part, but you sure can do something about yours.
Become who you were meant to be. Become someone strong and courageous and whole. Then if he does the work, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Let him go, A. Leave him to figure himself out. Holding on doesnt bring about change. It doesnt allow you to walk your journey. It keeps you stuck. And being stuck isnt where you want to be.
TIme for you to say that today you are worthy and you deserve respect.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love him. It means you love him very much. But more importantly, it means you love you.
But standing up for yourself is never wrong, Ang. Not allowing yourself to be abused in anyway isnt either. It is not ok to be treated like that. And if you stand up for yourself and he leaves, then you would have stood up for yourself and he made a choice. How is that your fault?
You want to be strong and confident for you. And the hope and possibility is that he sees it, too.
If your marriage gets saved as a result of you not standing up for yourself and leaving things the way they are - is your marriage really saved?
You have to want more for yourself. You have to feel deserving of it. You want a marriage based on respect, A. You want a marriage built of trust. Trust that he will treat you with honor and dignity. And that you will do the same. It may seem like a thin line, but, really it isnt.
In order to have a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy and so does he. You cant do anything about his part, but you sure can do something about yours.
Become who you were meant to be. Become someone strong and courageous and whole. Then if he does the work, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Let him go, A. Leave him to figure himself out. Holding on doesnt bring about change. It doesnt allow you to walk your journey. It keeps you stuck. And being stuck isnt where you want to be.
TIme for you to say that today you are worthy and you deserve respect.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love him. It means you love him very much. But more importantly, it means you love you.
Thanks, uR. I hope you know how much you've helped me, especially this past week.
I need some advice on giving the MLCer space vs being too distant.
I've had a crazy past week or so with H. He's been way UP and way DOWN with his moods. Very happy and content, one day....and raging mad the next...little things set him off.
So, I have been trying to give space, leave him to himself, etc., especially when he is super angry. Just work on me and do my own thing....focus on the kids, etc.
Here is the problem. Both times he has been SUPER angry in the past 7-8 days, he's commented on how I seem like I don't care anymore....how I seem like I'm absent and don't care if I see him or not. He has brought this up several times.
It really seems to be on his mind that I don't care about him anymore.
When is the MLCer needing to feel you near them...not far? Is he just saying this to have something else to be upset at me about...or does he really need to feel like I'm there for him? And how do I manage that delicate balance?
Angela, I am honest with people because it doesnt help if I'm not.
People often misunderstand about some stuff. They equate detaching with not caring and letting go with giving up.
The truth is that they arent that at all. What they are is allowing your spouse to walk a journey that is essential to their wellbeing.
And that is the ultimate act of love.
What they do is allow you to give them the time and space they need while giving yourself the time and space that you need.
To me, the most important thing about detaching is not allowing their actions and words to affect yours.
I have spoken about my roadmap a lot. It gave me the plan for how I wanted to live my life. It allowed me to always know how I was going to act at any given momemt.
I chose to always act with dignity, strength and honor. I chose to never get in between the relationship with my son and his father.
So, whenever anything came up, I knew exactly how to act. I would ask myself, is my action going to be one of dignity? Does it align with what I believe? Will it allow me to be comfortable with who I was and who I was becoming?
With this guidelines, I knew how to act with my spouse. I never had to guess.
I am telling you all this because I see you still looking towards him for your actions. You react to his reactions.
If he is in a good mood, then you are, if he isnt, then you are upset.
And that sets you up to go round and round every time.
YOu need to chose how you are going to act, without regard to his actions or reactions.
When we say detach, let go, it doesnt mean to be angry, mean, uncaring towards him. It doesnt mean that you cant be warm and friendly.
It simply means that you are going to treat him as you do a good neighbor. Friendly, caring, yet living your life.
As far as your h, I believe that he projects a lot. He is angry, and lets face it, many MLCers are, and so he projects that onto you by telling you that you act like you dont care.
I feel that because you are always trying to anticipate his responses and his moods, he is playing on that.
Thats why it is important for you to remain steady. You dont get pulled into his anger anymore.
Continue to focus on you and the kids. He may get angry at times. His problem, not yours as long as you are safe.
He keeps pulling you into his vortex. Dont let him. Leave him to it.
You just keep following your roadmap. Remain strong, steady, calm.
Do not engage in his stuff. Just dont. Validate when he talks, only when necessary. Be kind and courteous.
He knows what buttons to push, Ang. Dont let him.
The only way for him to do this, is through it. The longer you get in the way of it, the longer it is going to take.
I know its hard. But I have seen your strength. Choose strong, A.
"When is the MLCer needing to feel you near them...not far? Is he just saying this to have something else to be upset at me about...or does he really need to feel like I'm there for him? And how do I manage that delicate balance?"
YOU don't need to do anything to maintain a balance. The point is that the MLCer will tell you they feel one way one day and another way the next. They look for external sources to make them feel happy when they don't understand that they won't be happy until they are stable INTERNALLY.
He will keep you jumping through hoops which is why they call it a roller coaster. Don't fall for it. Just do what YOU want to do. Ironic how he says he feels as if you're abandoning him when he's the one that wants to separate.
There's no sense in making sense of nonsense.
Angela, I am honest with people because it doesnt help if I'm not.
I wouldn’t have it any other way! Honesty is definitely best! Don’t sugarcoat stuff for me…tell it to me straight!
I am telling you all this because I see you still looking towards him for your actions. You react to his reactions.
If he is in a good mood, then you are, if he isnt, then you are upset.
I see this…I know this…and I “think” I’m not reacting to him. But, then, later when I look back, I can see where I was reacting to him. It is really difficult for me to detach when he is still living at home, still sharing a room with me, and still acting nice sometimes. It would be easier if he was just mad all the time…or if he didn’t live there…
Thats why it is important for you to remain steady. You dont get pulled into his anger anymore.
This is the same stuff I’ve been battling since Day One on here…I feel like I’m learning…then, I look back and I’m right back where I was.
There's no sense in making sense of nonsense.
So true, MrB....so true. So why do I keep trying to? Ridiculous, isn't it?
It isnt necessarily harder with them at home, just different.
It is all about your mindset, Ang.
The thing to remember is that your actions are always the same - regardless of his.
You are always strong, confident, and calm. No matter what he says or does.
Whether he is angry or nice, you are always the same.
Your mindset needs to be that you are putting your marriage safely in a box and storing it away for now and you are moving forward in your life.
You are figuring out who you want to be.
Put some stuff on your bucketlist. Big things, small things. Things you look forward to, things you wish to do. And then, work towards some of them. If you want to travel one day, check into those places. Nice to have dreams into the future.
Remember that you are worthy, A, and unique, special.
Walk around as if you have a secret. And that the secret is that you are strong and lovable.
Show him strength. Show him who you want to be. Then be that person each day. That should be your goal.
I know that people think that if they could just find the right words, it will make a difference. If they are nice enough, if they hold on enough.
When really, all those cant be further from the truth.
The truth is that you dont have the power to start or stop a MLC. It was destined to happen.
There isnt anything that you can say to pull him out of it.
Pursuing and holding on wont affect the outcome. But moving forward, letting go and making changes can.
The sooner you just accept what is and that you cant stop it, the sooner you get to the good parts. The parts where you become the woman you were meant to be.
So, bucket list. I used to have one somewhere...oh, yes, found it on my blog from 2009. I wrote these four or five years ago...and have only accomplished two of them. Plus, I'm sure there are "new" things to add to the list. 2009 was a LIFETIME ago.
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1) Visit Hawaii….not just b/c it’s so beautiful, etc. but because "H" is part Hawaiian, and we want our kids to know a little bit about their Hawaiian heritage.
2) To run a 5K…..run the whole thing…no walking…and do it in a respectable amount of time. **DID IT!** Followed by a 10k and a Half Marathon
3) To write a novel…I have several ideas running around inside my head…including a book with my sister…so we’ll see what comes of it!
4) To travel internationally, including travel to Europe (Italy especially)…and travel to Australia.
5) To become fluent in Spanish.
6) To go white water rafting for a few days.
7) To visit the Grand Canyon and go camping there.
8) To hike to the top of Mount Blanca in Colorado.
9) To read the entire Old Testament from front to back…not just skipping around. I am embarrassed to say that while I think I’ve read every book in the Old Testament, I don’t have a solid understanding of how it all fits together yet.
10) To be able to do a chin up. (Yes, I am serious. I’ve always wanted to have strong enough arms that I could do a chin up…even if it’s just one.)
11) To donate blood at least 3 times a year. I’m type O+ so I need to be donating blood more often because my blood type can be used for lots of people in need of blood transfusions.
**DID IT!!** Actually do it every year at school, now.
12) To visit my BF from HS in UTAH! I’ve never been to see her and it’s about time!
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So...now to think of more to add.....
I love your bucket list! Keep jotting down what you would like to do and begin planning to do some of them. No time like the present to learn Spanish! There are some easy to learn products on the market that will help you get started.
Go girl!
Yep! I had 3.5 years of Spanish in HS and college...just need to "continue" that education. Very useful in Texas.
And, I definitely need to "add" to the list...lots more things I want to do/accomplish!
Hey Angela, I LOVE your bucket list. I see changes in you, my friend.
.
Keep moving forward, taking steps, taking chances.
I believe in you.
That is an awesome list. And congrats on #2 - I just can't seem to get the endurance for long distance running - I'm a mean sprinter, though!
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with my brother and parents as a kid. It was quite a memorable trip. It was November, so kind of cold up top, but down in the bottom it was in the 70s. Camped overnight and hiked back up. And... we didn't ride the mules! Walked the whole thing down and up. Oh, and need I say it... there were wild donkeys!
MH, I'm not like Callie. I can't run the whole thing! I do walk/run intervals. Lol.
And INTERESTING about the wild donkeys!
Walk/run intervals are the best way if you ask me. More like special ops teams and how they do it. Running the whole thing killed the first guy...not sure why it would be a good thing to run the whole thing
9) To read the entire Old Testament from front to back…not just skipping around. I am embarrassed to say that while I think I’ve read every book in the Old Testament, I don’t have a solid understanding of how it all fits together yet.
I help teach a confirmation class for middle schoolers; I've done it for about 7 years now and we cover that subject a lot. I don't want to spoil it for you, but when you read the old testament, note that it's a pointer to things to come for Jew and Gentile alike. It helps to put it all together to know that...
I like that list. I note that you don't have skydiving in there. I applaud that. It's overdone these days as a popular bucket list item. Yours is much more personal and I like that.
Go get 'em!!!
AJ
I agree with AJM. Walk/Run is good. And yes, that jumping out of a plane is a tad overused.
I like a bucket list that really means something. And glad you're thinking about what you want for YOU.
Making me ponder my list again....
Thanks AJ and MH.
I didn't even contemplate putting skydiving on there! I am terrified of heights! LOL!
Although, I love to hike in CO...and would like to do some basic mountain climbing. Should add that to my list!
Update:
No news is good new, right? Lol. I haven't updated in while because it's been pretty "same ole-same ole" around here.
We continue to have bad days and good days, but maybe I'm slooooooooooooowly learning to detach better? We're getting along better, and I'm reacting less when H is in a bad mood.
To be honest, his moods seem to be improving overall. He seems happier, in general. He holds my hand more, etc.
So, who knows. I'm working on me...and trying to just stay out of his way. No expectations.
I'm going to do some hiking this year if it kills me! I love walking. I find it to be like meditation and exercise all in one. I do my best thinking while walking. I've done a lot of urban hiking (as I like to call walking in the city).
Now I'd like to get out more in the woods and the hills and enjoy the scenery, the thinking, and also get more exercise out of it while I'm at it.
Keep up the good work. You said the magic words - "I'm working on me."
Just an update:
Seems I handle drama/stress/spewing BETTER than I handle peace/quiet/calmness. I haven't had much to update in my sitch because I'm still processing some stuff...and am really, really confused.
H, overall, is becoming a WAY different guy than he has been. After 3 years on the night shift, he moved to days this Monday. So, he's finally on a normal schedule. Since Christmas, H is nicer, calmer, more patient...he's more like the guy I knew 2-3 years ago. The guy I forgot existed.
The problem? I don't care. MY attitude is horrible about it. He's making all kinds of steps toward me...and I can't help but pull away...and then, wonder what's wrong with me?
He says he's moved all of his stuff back home...all bags, clothes, etc. (I don't snoop..so not sure...). He *says* he's bought me a V Day present (ironic because he hates that day). He is making more time for the kids. He actually went outside and played baseball with them today!!! When I do calmly address things that need to change (his humor that is condescending toward me, etc.) he really does appear to be working on fixing it...and repeats back to me the things that we talked about. His phone is completely unlocked and not "secret" at all anymore...he is more open about lots of things.
He is becoming more like his pre-MLC stuff. BUT, I am getting so detached that I don't even want to be around him. I've spent all this time hoping he'd come around...wishing for him to get better...and now, that he's showing baby steps...I feel totally lost.
I've recently seen how other men treat their women...and I want more. I don't want to settle anymore for the guy who knocked me up and married me because he felt like he needed to. I want to be with a guy (H or otherwise) who can't live without me.
I want to go places and do things and enjoy my life without this exhausting anchor weighing me down. And that scares me, a lot. I started out this journey wanting nothing more than to save my M. Now? Not sure that's what I want at all.
Thank goodness, as URworthy says often, "I don't have to decide today." And, that is the only thing keeping me sane right now...the reassurance that I don't have to decide anything this moment.
But, I will tell you this...the "new" Ang..she wants a better, healthier, happier life...filled with adventure and love and family and friends and lots of laughs and giggles. No more sad...no more just "existing"....
You are sounding so much better and stronger. I do think that in time, you will find a way to have a better and more fulfilling life. It takes a lot of time, work and patience...but I have a lot of faith in you and you will get there!
As for how you are feeling right now? It's normal. You fought the battle and hoped he would return home and now that the battle appears to be somewhat over...your energy level has fizzled. You've been on your own for a bit and now that he's back, you aren't sure that the relationship w/him is going to be enough, etc. Give yourself some time to figure things out. It won't happen today, tomorrow or next week...but given enough time, you'll know if you want to continue on w/your journey w/him by your side.
Thanks, job!!! I am so much stronger than I was a few months ago! Thanks to people like YOU!
And, I am just trying to take it slow...not make any decisions about anything right now...which is its own kind of LIMBO! ugh!
But, I'm getting better every single day.
are you serious?? that's a good thing isn't it?
BumbleB
not make any decisions about anything right now
You do not have too. The only decision I think you should make right now is....to be HAPPY. To not allow unhappiness in your life.
Peace,
Eric
I'm curious about where to read about MLC in the "illness" way. I've been dealing with changing in ways I've never dreamed possible, but how do you know if/when they are "cured" for lack of a better term? Why should I wait and see? I'm lost and all the reading on this site and others is controversial on both sides and I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Does it mostly end for better or worse? Why can't vows mean anything?
I've been reading on here and other sites a lot but nobody seems to know what or when a mlc is over or is ending. Has anyone faced or seen those signs?
I hope one day I can be strong like you BB. My kids are young and love us both so much it's hard to imagine splitting time with the 3 of them. The roller coaster is old and I'm afraid of any highs worried about the lows. Should I just let go and see if it's real? We are each somewhat happy separate, but the age old what if it could be better together? Everything I thought I knew and was doing is now in question.