Well, time for a new thread
One
www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2368775#Post2368775Two
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2377072&page=1Three
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2383250&page=1Four
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2395511&page=1Five
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2404858&page=1Six
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2405224#Post2405224Seven
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2413346&page=1Eight
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2414164#Post2414164So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Baby do you dare to do this
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back
-Katy Perry
My post afternoon of December 29th.........
HOLY $HIT.......just got this from SIL #1
"so I hear you don't care my brother is homeless and broke ......well that is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I am sad to think that you are that type of person. Your marriage had it's problems and they were not going to change so instead of accepting it you are acting like a victim. Ridiculous you are to blame for half of your problems.....grow up no matter how often you ask for forgiveness from your church it won't make what your doing right doing right. Karmas a bitch!"
not my spelling errors btw.
I'm in tears......after EVERYTHING I have done for them. Especially SIL #1.....they've known me for twenty years! 20!!!!! what is he saying to them!?!?! NOW?!?!? HE LEFT US IN APRIL and never a word until now? this? how do I respond? I'm so upset
_________________________
M 16 T 20
M 40 H 38 S 19 S 14
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Job........
WR,
You don't respond. File the text away and just remember...blood is thicker than water. You don't owe them any explanation and one day, they'll figure out what is what.
Your h is been talking trash to them and he wants to play the victim. There's nothing you can do about it. No matter what you say to her, she's going to continue to defend her brother and make you out to be the villain here, so the best thing to do is ignore her and her comments. Consider the source, cry and/or yell, but do not respond to her. You don't owe her an explanation as to what you have had to do to take care of you and your sons.
Can you block her on your phone as well as emails and FB? Do so. Don't give her a second thought.
Continue moving forward and do not allow her to bring you down. Don't allow her or anyone else to bully you.
DO NOT RESPOND!
My response to Job.......
I won't respond Job......but, I'm really hurt. Upset beyond belief AGAIN! homeless? he's homeless? what does that even mean? why is it my fault?!?!? HE HAS A HOME!!!! He doesn't want it! Last time I actually knew where he lived was May after that I have no idea where he sleeps! Problems in marriage were not going to change? HOW DO YOU KNOW what our problems are and if they could be worked on!?!? I'm to blame for half my problems? I've accepted my faults and have worked(ing) to correct them but MY HUSBAND'S MLC is NOT my fault!!! I accept none of it! Karma's a bitch, eh? I guess it is!
I've been working night and day to keep my kids in their home and food on the table! literally night and day! where has HE been?!??! WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN?!?! OH I'm so upset.....crying and angry and want to just hit them all!
_________________________
M 16 T 20
M 40 H 38 S 19 S 14
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Wow WR, that must be awfully painful. I'm so sorry you had to get that crap from SIL. You know you don't deserve it, WE know you don't deserve it.
Hold steady on the high road.
I agree with job: Eventually EVERYONE will figure out what your roll really was in all this... and you'll still be looking like the rose that you are!
Thank you FY. I know I need patience and the truth will come out, it always does, but WOW what a sucker punch to the gut. I hope my silence speaks volumes to her nastiness
WR, that is really hard to take.
I think mlc-ers have an easy path to get family onside.
No-one would ever believe the truth of what has happened, so the re-write of history that forms part of the script is what gets accepted.
It must be that their spouse was controlling, disgusting, unable to be lived with one moment longer, even for the sake of the kids. Whatever else could have led to an outwardly happy family being broken up so quickly and with such finality?
And the poor mlc-er, how he has suffered and for so long. And what he has been reduced to - he has no home, no money, has given up everything....
Again, who, outside of experiencing it themselves, would ever believe what has really happened?
Having said that, IDK if I could cope with not responding - briefly and calmly.
I have, in the past, ignored such outbursts from others who I feel have the 'wrong end of the stick'. I find it festers and makes me feel resentful.
I am also feel sick of 'covering up' the whole notion of mlc.
If only we could say "my spouse is suffering from a classic mlc. I suggest you do some quick reading on the topic and find out how devastating this emotional turmoil/identity crisis can be to those around them before you judge me."
I get what you're saying, NLW, and kinda sorta agree. But here's the thing: Like job posted, H's family will always side with him. Especially after all the BS he has likely fed them. So even the most rational response from WR will be rejected and only escalate things into an ongoing and even uglier battle.
Why sign up for that? Better to just shut up and work on finding inner peace.
"If she (SIL #1) believes in Karma, then she needs to assess her life and ask wtf she has done.....karma is simply living the consequences of your choices.....H is just living his-she doesn't understand the concept. In fact they are all so simple- minded, their opinions and comments mean about as much as those of mushrooms....born out of the $hit and darkness
WR,
I know that your SIL's comments hit below the belt, but you need to consider the source. Family listens to what he says and, of course, they are only hearing one side of the story and they will take the side of their brother no matter what. As for being homeless, I honestly don't buy into that BS. Your h made choices all by his lonesome. He could have returned home at any given time, but no, he stayed out on the street. So, please put those remarks she made in the trash. She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Trying to defend yourself to her is like trying to defend yourself to the mlcer. Both of you are emotional and neither of you will get very far into a discussion w/o saying things that can't be taken back. One day, WR, you will be given the opportunity to set her straight, but now is not the time. You are still trying to get things settled w/the house, etc. For all we know, her email/text was to rock your world to make you do something stupid w/the finances and the home refinancing. Don't step into her bait trap.
Again, I do recommend leaving the woman right where she's at and if she wants to stew, accuse, etc. just let her spew, but you block her from contacting you again. Silence is golden and sometimes it speaks volumes far better than trying to communicate w/someone who is spewing. Walk away, everyone knows what you've been dealing w/and continue to deal with.
Show that family you are a far better person by remaining silent and walking away than one who wants to get into heated discussions w/them. I know you can do this.
Take care.
WR,
I am just catching up.
Yes, Karma is a B$tch and she will get hers, too.
In this situation, I tend to agree with job, leave it be and don't respond no matter how much you want to scream at her. She deserves it! But, she is taking her brother's side and no matter what she may see now or later, she will never care to see your side. Some people are blindly loyal, I have seen it first hand. My uncle (pretty sure MLC, chucked his family for another one) and his sister (my aunt) could not talk enough trash about his now ex-wife. Even then, I couldn't stand it and there will be family members who hate what he has done and will not attack you. But there are those who will refuse to see.
If you are able to block her, do so. If she should contact you again, I would simply reply "I would appreciate if you would please not contact me again."
I know it hurts like the devil, WR. But you take care of business. And so what if he is homeless, etc? Whose fault is that? You weren't given a choice when he unilaterally left your M, but you have lots of choices on how to go forward and protect the rest of your family. And as you said, after 20 years, he should have known. Of course, he should have known that fantasyland did not exist, but that is a whole other topic....
Hideous woman. Betcha she's got some issues of her own.
Head up WR! We are behind you!
I'm sorry WR. I know this stuff hurts like h3ll and hard to believe people can be so cruel without understanding.
I agree with everything job and portia have said. Stay strong wr.
White,
I have some real jerks in the inlaw department too. I've found that keeping my distance works best for me. I've unfriended just about everyone on Facebook and keep to my own.
Thankfully, they leave me alone too.
I can see them, easily, REALLY EASILY, thinking and saying the words you received from you SIL.
The truth always comes out in the end. They may refuse to see it, but that doesn't change the truth.
You're a great lady and you've been so strong for your boys. Don't lose heart now. Not over this. This is just white noise from people who either refuse or haven't gotten the truth. Either way, it's not your problem, it's theirs. Let them drown in the waves your H is making.
Love to you,
Heather
(((WR)))
I'm so sorry that you're facing some awful flak from your ILs. Remember how SIL contacted you after the hearing? H was not happy about the outcome at Court and I think it is when he truly began to vilify you. It has gone on and it has probably multiplied over the holidays with H's spewing. Otherwise why would the MLCer leave a great spouse? They need to vilify and demonize the LBS spouse so they have 'grounds' to leave them. Silly!
Oh yeah...I've heard that Ms. Wonka vilify me and that really HURT. But I just kept on being me by STFU and I noticed that our mutual friends looked at me with puzzled expression as why they were not able to truly reconcile the picture Ms. Wonka painted of me and seeing me in action in person. Bide your time...the truth will eventually emerge.
Ignore silly blather coming from H and the ILs. As for the homelessness, I don't buy it. It is H' choice to leave you and the marital house. Silly man!!
BTW, when is the next Court date?
Well, I kinda disagree with the "don't respond" camp. No, don't respond if you're going to be emotional or expect some validation back. But if you just want to throw something out there that may possibly defuse some of the misinformation, consider something calm, reasoned, like this:
"Dear SIL -
Please remember that you are only hearing one side of the story. I've been working night and day to keep my kids in their home and food on the table. I did not choose this divorce, but I am left primarily responsible for the emotional and financial fallout and how it affects my boys.
Unfortunately, in a divorce, both sides suffer a loss of living standards. I am not asking for anything in the divorce that is not standard in the divorce laws of this country.
I too am concerned about H and what is happening with him, but he has made it clear that he does not want me in his life. I hope that you and the rest of the family will continue to look after him."
Stick to the high road, don't expect a response, or ignore a response if it's stupid. But putting this out there is not unreasonable, in my book, and if you're lucky, it might make her pause and realize she IS only hearing one side of the story.
I respectfully disagree K.
I see where you are headed and everybody deserves a chance to defend themselves, especially when you being so unfairly judged.
But, honestly, I don't see the point. I think the odds are high that it will only stir more stuff up.
Let them have at it. Block the number, let them make fools of themselves, because that's what they are doing. I'm sure they are full of adrenalin now, pumped up on the text. They are spinning. I say, "Let them Spin!!"
In the end, they will be the ones with regrets for what they said, not White.
I like Ellie's draft response to SIL. The problem is not the draft per se...but how SIL will receive it. It will most probably induce more spewing from her as she believes her brother's side of the story and will do anything to defend him. Blood is thicker than water.
Do what you feel is most comfortable for you, WR.
I don't think the time is right to be responding to the SIL's text message. There will come a time when Ellie's message would be perfect...but right now, emotions are running high on all sides and it will open up the battle of the texts. When dealing w/emotional inlaws that have only heard one side, it is best to let things settle down before even attempting to defend yourself or try to explain things.
WR, you know your inlaws better than we do and you need to trust your gut on this one. If you opt to send a response, please be prepared for the likelihood of more nasty grams.
Thank you everyone for your support and love.....it was a very emotional day yesterday after I received that and I am still in a little bit of shock over it. Normally, H's family acknowledges nothings so that she messaged me at all means they are stewing (and spewing) pretty badly.
KML I think that response was very well thought out and composed but the problem lies in the fact that my in-laws (M, F and S x 3) are all severely depressed and emotionally stunted. I would have an easier time convincing the TV of my innocence than them. If they, who see and interact with their brother daily, cannot understand the ramifications of the decisions he has made then how am I, the outsider, ever going to convince them to see the light? It's almost like a third party, far removed from the situation, would have to say "seriously, WTF you guys?!?!? he left" but, it cannot be me.
When SIL #1 up and left her H (and 2 of her 3 children) she didn't take anything. Got a buy out on the house and that was it. Thought it was better. When SIL #3 left her common law (of 10 years) she took nothing and got a buy out on the house. It was almost like they did it to prove how they are not about the money. Please, don't think I'm about the money, but what I am about is protecting my kids and that means I get what I'm entitled to for them. My concern is not for where H is sleeping but where my children are sleeping. If he can't eat then they need to have him to dinner because NEVER once have they (well, SIL #2 did a couple of times early on) checked to ensure that their brother was providing for his children. They have never asked how I manage to pay the mortgage, and the bills, and put new winter coats and boots on their bodies while making sure they eat......if someone is going to call someone "disgusting" it's sure not going to be directed at the woman ensuring the kids are OK.
I'm sorry to say it also may stem from jealousy.......they just don't like my family. They've said how we think we're better than them (we never have!!!) Both immigrant families (H and I are both first generation born in Canada) both families came with nothing. Both have struggled immensely. Differences.....decisions made. Not running when things got tough. Setting solid foundations. Making education a priority and not an option. Going without. My family is crazy but we know it, we own it, and we DEAL with it. SIL #1 has three sons older than my S19.....they live at home, no schooling, no jobs, smoking pot and she buys their cigarettes and no one seems to say UMMMMMM. SIL #2 married with an alcoholic that has left (a couple of days each time) her and have not slept in the same bed for years. SIL #3 lives with a man that is emotionally and mentally abusive to the point she feels worthless. All their children suffer from anxiety and/or depression. SIL #1 oldest suffers from psychophrenia
My in-laws are broken people creating more broken people and I'm in my corner of the world doing my best to break the cycle for my boys......if they cannot see it then the best I can do is keep the candle lit and hope that one day they'll see the light.
At this point I truly feel my best option is silence BUT if any of them send me any other nasty messages, or if they dare send one to one of my boys again, I will speak up and it'll be the mamma bear that responds. Firstly, H will be asked, politely, to call off the family and then I will ask my dad for more money and get my lawyer on the case because that $hit won't happen again.......I've told my H over the years I may not be the one to start something but if I need to I'll finish it and if they attack me or my kids again I'll finish it before they've even realized I've started.
GEESH.....apparently, I needed to get that out.......thanks for the ear guys:)
It does sometimes help to get it out. Right now, it feels like you need to defend yourself. You don't. Whatever the reason H left, you both did have your own issues, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. Not by a long shot.
The truth always comes out in the end. They may refuse to see it, but that doesn't change the truth.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know I fought that urge to defend for a long time. My ex still does. I learned there's no reason. I also learned that you're right - it would be easier to convince the TV than anyone else. I'm in the camp that says don't respond. Don't suffer a fool like that. It just makes you one.
On the other hand, vent here. We've walked in your shoes and know what it's like.
Give it time. The time to tell the story will come later. Possibly much later, but the truth always comes out at some point.
Happy to see how hard you're working. Keep it up!
Peace,
AJ
Thanks AJM......the truth always comes out in the end. My patience will be rewarded without me ever having to utter a word.
So weird little side note.....H has unblocked me on FB (so we're not friends but I can search him again and the photos I had him tagged in he is tagged in again....which are family photos including ones of the four of us) He still has everyone else blocked and SIL #2 has friend requested my mom......really?!?!?!
they really are odd ducks
I've been wondering....should I untag him from all my photos now that they're back on his profile? What's he up to??
WR,
I would leave things be on FB for a while. It's evident that there is a mind playing game going on. One that has him and his family messing w/your head, heart and feelings. Continue as you have been until after everything has been finalized. Then, and only then, if you want to do something different on FB do it.
As for your inlaw wanting to friend your mother, well that's just plain crazy right now. There's no telling why she wants to be friends on FB w/your mother, but you never know...she may be wanting to gain info from your mother or to see what you and your mother have been posting.
Don't join in on your inlaws' games. Stay the course. Your h is a very desperate man and he will do anything and use anyone to his advantage to get what he wants. I don't trust any of them at this point in time. Be careful what you share on FB and w/your inlaws from this day forward. I know it's difficult not to chat w/SIL #2, but you've got to be careful because you do not know if she's telling your h or her family what you say.
Stay the course and continue as you have been. The truth will eventually come to light.
Enjoy the festivities tonight and tomorrow is a new day and a new year!
Happy New Year!
Well, they're toying with me again this morning......last night I posted a joke (tagged my S19's name in it) about how I didn't want to cook but that tonight's menu was looking great (there are three families that host and we have a huge food test in our pjs). Anyway, the conversations starts and there are a few of us having fun and my pregnant sister chimes in as she was hoping one of the lady's was making lumpia (phillipino egg roll). She's not but I tried saying but I'm. Making (and listed some of the foods I'm making). Included there are "the eggs" which is my MIL's recipe so the hostess asked about them so I described them. This morning my SIL #2 commented (I guess she saw it through S19's status)
Funny ^ that's my moms recipe. Enjoy the eggs! You can claim it as yours though. Lol
Then a few minutes later she changed it
^ Funny, that's the (insert family last name here) family recipe . You can claim it as your own though. Enjoy the eggs!"
I responded
Oh I wasn't trying to claim it as my own. (My sister) had a craving and I offered to make them for her
She responded
Lol... You forgot the tomato. Enjoy"
WTF!?!? Why are they bothering me? She mad because I'm making "their" recipe? Well, it's not "theirs"! It's actually a popular French recipe......I just learned about it from my MIL
I'm shaking again........I feel like they're all up to something. Text from SIL #1, H unblocked me and now this "funny" status comments.
White,
Unfriend them. Change your FB settings to only allow your friends. Things are too fresh and raw right now for you to be able to defend yourself or engage with this insanity. Please, for your own sake, block them so you don't have to take these petty punches.
They are really sick, angry people. You don't need them infecting you and your holiday. Think Mama Bear and how blocking them, including your H, will protect YOU which, in turn, protects your kids from the trickle down effect of this toxic banter.
So stupid and immature and ridiculous. Now, I'm angry. How about we all go on FB and friend you and then IDK!! We will be Mean Back!
Jerks.
WR,
I think she was just trying to find a way to jump into the conversation and let you know that she was reading along. No where did I see you claiming the recipe as your own, in fact, it may be one that your MIL uses, but it's a French recipe that she has claimed as hers. LOL! BTW, you didn't need to justify why you were discussing the recipe to her. If it's brought up again, find the recipe and state which cookbook you got it from. That should cool her jets about who is claiming what. LOL! I wouldn't let that little bit of conversation rattle me.
They are reading everything you and your sons are doing, if they have access to it. They have heard so much BS from your h that they are curious to see what you really are doing. You should be flattered that you are taking up so much room in their heads. When people are like this, I have as little contact w/them as possible and that includes FB time.
My advice, don't put anything out there that you don't want them to know about right now.
It is set for "friends" but because I had joking added S19 she could see it. I'm not into blocking people. I don't know. Immature?
I don't want to get into a fb war with them but come on......what are they doing!?!? You're a 45 year old woman!!!!
I understand. I didn't think about your sons and their link to your posts and so forth.
It just makes me angry. It's unfair you get more flack along with everything else.
Trust the process. The truth will always be the truth, no matter what.
It's bad enough dealing with H's crazy $hit but they all want to attack me......really, eggs!?!?
I didn't add the tomato because I don't like it, neither do my sisters, so my sister said "voila! (My last name) family recipe!" Lol. Obviosuly, not on fb....through text
WR,
I would just ignore the behavior and let it go. They are just trying to get under your skin and get you to react. You handled the comment quite well. She certainly can't say that you came back to her in a negative way. Just be yourself and let them stew in their own juices. I have nice huge black cauldron that would do well for them all to have a stew. LOL!
Consider the sources and realize that they don't have anything else better to do but follow you. Obviously you are and have been the topic of conversation this holiday season and what better way to see what you are up to but on FB. Again, you are taking up a lot of room in their heads free of charge. LOL! Whatever you do, don't let them see you sweat. They want to rattle your cage and get you to argue w/them...don't do it. You are far better than that. If they knew that they had rattled you a bit, they would have a good laugh and continue to do so...kind of reminds me of bullies just a bit.
I do hope that once the holidays are over, they'll settle down and get back into their routines and leave you alone. Try not to think about it and consider the sources and go on w/your holiday festivities. They aren't happy people if they have to aggravate others.
I doubt they'll leave you alone for a while to come, but one can hope that the holidays will end and so will the games.
Plan for the worst and expect the best, right? Plan for your SIL to continue the guerrilla warfare (if she really cared, she would call you right? and plan accordingly. She'll try that. You'll react like <insert your reaction>.
I agree with job - they are trying to bully. The best way to deal with a bully? It's to not engage in any way shape or form. Why? Because they'll use that to keep at it. It gives them fuel.
They want to rattle your cage and get you to argue w/them...don't do it.
My suggestion? Ignore it like you would a small child that was trying to get your attention by yelling and screaming but otherwise in no danger of hurting themselves or anyone else.
I know it makes your skin crawl, your hands shake, and your feet sweat (well, that might just be me) but it'll stop sooner if you do not engage with it in any way. You have nothing to prove and silence speaks much louder than words. Believe me, I've been in your shoes... Many of us here have.
AJ
Other than my one comment I have not engaged in any way........is it ok for me to be pretty proud of the fact that after the first couple of months of shock I do not engage in any drama talk. (except the one time when he bounced the mortgage) but I don't initiate or engage.
AJM I'm so glad to see that you also shake and sweat.......after I read the comment I was shaking so hard I needed to deep breath. Another one out of left field. I'm definitely hot topic of conversation, YAY ME UGGGG, but my gut is telling me something is up with H. The sister's are being b1tches but H......hmmmm, something is up. Why would a man that has blocked me and untagged photos of me, hide photos of me (after court) all of a sudden unblock me allowing my photos back onto his FB. My H is not that bright (honestly, he's just not very calculating which is why he's managed to create such a disaster without me every making one move)..........my spidy senses are tingling
thoughts?? am I being crazy now too?
WR,
Sit quietly and the all will be revealed in due time. Whatever is going on began over the holidays and right now, they want to aggravate the stew out of you. Your h may not actually be doing anything to you, but he's right there in the mix. Some of the mlcers will get others to do their dirty work...that's why it is very important to just sit quietly and patiently. Trust me, if there is something going on w/your h, you'll know very soon.
Now, you are giving them plenty of head space and they aren't paying rent....this is exactly what they wanted to do...aggravate you and spoil your holiday. Don't allow them to do this to you.
Yes, there was a time that I would have reacted just like you and even went further trying to justify my actions to others and when I realized that they didn't care about me, but rather the xh and saw how they bullied, I learned pretty quick that you need to step away and not provide fuel for their fire. A bully is only a bully if you allow them to get to you and react.
For now, focus on you and your sons. It's almost 2014. What are you planning to do to welcome in the new year?
Maybe they had him unblock you so the SIL's could go through his page to see yours? I know if I go through friend's pages I can sometimes click through to other's pages that I'm not friends with. Not sure how high your settings are but it could be possible.
Tbh no I don't think it's to do with that.
You're right job......I'm giving them space. I need to stop
Yes, they're all whack - consider the source and pay them no mind.
As for H refriending you on FB - he may be looking for "dirt" on you that he could use in a divorce. Don't post anything about buying anything or about finances (unless it's to complain about how broke you are). Don't post any photos of you with men. Don't post ANYTHING that could be twisted the wrong way around.
Or,just unfriend the lot of them.
BTW, WR -
You never post anything about H having OW, but in all my years here, I've almost never seen a man leave who didn't have OW. What do you think is up with him?
OM, OW, etc. What's the difference at this point?
One small note: I used to get that way. That stopped long ago and the balance seems to have shifted. I am calm and not interested in talking to my ex at any time. She gets nervous talking to or hearing from me. <shrug> dunno why.
I agree with kml - pay them no mind and be highly suspicious and cautious of H's motives.
I might even shut down the FB account at this point. The news is littered with people that have used it against others in relationship breakups. It's too easy.
And I'm sure he'll use something on the page to "prove" his point. It's not hard to take things out of context and bend them.
Best suggestion? Close down your account until the paperwork is completed. You won't be sorry for that.
AJ
KML we're not friends he has just "unblocked" me which means I can search his profile, see his comments and "likes" on any mutual friends pages. Also, any photos, statuses or comments I have tagged him in, from when we were "friends" are now visible on his page again. My privacy settings don't allow for much access to my info but if I'm with one of our sons or one of our mutual friends he can see that (but, I've never blocked him so it was always "available" to him). I was also unfriended by all his sister's months ago so same rules apply.
As of this moment there is no OW....never has been OW. I think, that being so scarred from his dad's numerous affairs and mom's one, that, for him, that is a line he cannot cross (for now). Also, he knows, at some level, that if there was another woman our friends would "judge" him or he'd be made out to be the "[censored]" His words in other situations so I'm wondering if it applies to a woman too. I had thought there was something up with someone he worked with in June and he was still talking about my question months later....defending himself to anyone that would listen. Adultery disgusts (DISGUSTS) him.......I also think he thought I would up and find a man right away hoping to seal the deal for him.
You would be surprised, W. My ex was the same way - disgusted by others that cheated etc.
I found evidence. It wasn't a question of if or shades of gray.
Up until that point, I vigorously defended her.
All I'm getting at for you? Just be mentally prepared. No reason to act on the possibility, but don't be surprised either.
You may have never thought he'd do this to you either.
AJ
I had thought there was something up with someone he worked with in June and he was still talking about my question months later....defending himself to anyone that would listen. Adultery disgusts (DISGUSTS) him
Methinks he protests too much?
Honestly - women sometimes leave just to be on their own, but men almost NEVER leave without something with someone else going on. It could be as simple as an infatuation with that woman that never went anywhere, or an internet relationship with someone in another country, or a rekindled long-distance affair with an old flame. Or maybe he's a closeted gay having sex with men in public restrooms, who knows? All I know is, I'm hard-pressed to come up with even one example from these boards where the male WAS didn't eventually turn out to have SOMETHING going on with SOMEONE.
Not that it makes any difference, really - just be aware.
I completely hear you both....but, there is no one. I'm positive....could that change? Absolutely! In every other way he is a typical MLCer but in this he has deviated from the norm.
He loves me more than anything, did anyway, and I honestly believe that he wanted peace. We fought a lot and it got progressively worse as he went into the tunnel. His family is like that actually. They won't acknowledge a problem in the hopes it will disappear and they can live peacefully.....he left to run from his problems and find peace. There may be someone on the horizon but not up till now
I shut my account down temporarily for awhile to protect myself from seeing pics of H and OW. It was a good move for me.
It's simple to do and you can easily get it going again.
WR,
My take on the whole thing is not to take down your FB account. Doing so will make it 'appear' that you're running scared and they got you. Just leave it and follow Ellie's advice of not posting financial information, you with men, etc. Make it so ho-hum with boring and mundane postings that the ILs will eventually turn their attention elsewhere. They just want to rile you and have their own "fun" with you.
Not cool!
WR -
We fought a lot and it got progressively worse as he went into the tunnel.
What was the fighting about? Did it only start just prior to his crisis, or was it always an issue? What do you see as your role in it? What was going on?
I use my acct to run my business page and do a lot of social networking through it as well so it's hard for me to just shut it down. But, I can see how it could help mental status heather.
The only posts they can really see is ones I tag S19 in as he's friends with them. S14 some of them. I'm glad they're so mature as to use this to their enjoyment. Nice!!!
We fought about money, stress, housework, cleaning, stuff like that. We were very young when we got together KML, I got pregnant quickly, he left, I never dealt with my feelings about it and he never owned up to it.......we never learned to communicate properly. I almost died at 29. He lost his good paying job 6 months later and I was on disability. Life. We fought about life. As he began to spiral, I didn't understand his distance. Anger. Dissatisfaction. Didn't address it properly....used anger and frustration. Fights became about every little thing that annoys you about your partner. It wasn't pleasant
Well WH, I just read all your threads, what can I say but WOW.
What an incredible journey in such a short amount of time. You have been given such great advice along the path too.
I love your willingness to be so honest, even the damn cursing for such a good catholic woman hehe.
I hope you don't have regrets, I think you did what you HAD to do to protect your boys/family/home. I never saw any malice in your intentions, especially considering what you were receiving.
If and when you decide to drop the rope, I truly think your going to be beating men off like crazy to win your heart.
Everything about you screams attractive. Someday, hopefully soon, you'll get a chance to open your heart back up.
thanks so much for reading through FotW!!
It has been a short amount of time, right? But, yes, I'm extremely blessed to have met so many wonderful people here willing to share their experiences and time to help me along the way.
I asked my priest....he said God understands that swear words are just sometimes necessary! LOL
With the state of my H I don't think it's a matter of "if" but "when" I drop the rope....he doesn't like me. Wants nothing to do with me. Can't divorce me fast enough. Hard to stay married to a man like that. Took off my wedding ring last night. Had a great time with my boys (even S19 stayed with us to party instead of going out with friends) my family and friends. Ate and drank too much. Sobbed at 12:15 and then picked myself back up and joined the rest of the room......slowly, disengaging from him.
One day a man will come along to love me beautifully (this is the prayer:))
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my wonderful friends here!!!!!
BTW, maybe the next thread header can be?
You went and played with Fire
Looking at all that food your family and you prepared, you'd be rolling me around town. Looks like you had a blast too. Glad you had a wonderful time with your friends and family.
Kml, in my sitch there was no known OW. Still isn’t. I suspect that H had some interest in a woman in another state where he worked, but it seems that it didn’t go anywhere. He told me that they were just friends. I suspect that he did have something for her, but I cannot be sure though and I cannot prove it and probably never will, unless H comes back and tells me the truth.
Rose, it looks like we have some similarities in our stitches. We didn’t fight often, we just had some arguments about his female friends once in a while and him not wanting to do any activities with me. Other than that we were very compatible. Like your H, my didn’t like confrontation and tried to avoid the problems. He left to find a more harmonious relationship.
I agree with Wonka’s advice to leave the FB account and just not post anything that could be used against you.
FotW HAHAHA that's a good next title:)
BF H and I did argue, often, I was sometimes quite demanding and frustrated and he had his issues......I thought there was some other people with spouses without OP, I knew it was rare but couldn't remember whose info I had read.
H has blocked me on FB again.....it's a lot of work to block, unblock, and block again.....he needs a hobby!
SO HERE IS ANOTHER TEXT QUESTION......
H messaged me this am asking if S14 was home today. I told him he was busy with S19 doing stuff around the house and would be in and out. Then I got this and need help answering
"Have you heard from the L?? visa is calling and will just take the money like they did in the summer making it impossible to pay. I don't want to start by screwing up the first payment"
His first payment and we have problems. Does he think that through christmas holidays this was going to happen? That it will happen between today and tomorrow (when my payment is due?) How do I make it clear that if he bounces this I will have his wages garnished which means his work will be contacted to make that happen. I'm so mad!!!!! I need help to respond because my response is going to start a war
A little more explanation maybe, about the payment and visa etc. You could go a lot of different ways here, sure does put in laws text about your H and his homelessness in perspective...
Seems that H has know for a while he may not make this payment...
If between today and tomorrow it's not going to be "fixed" and obviously H knew it was coming due, then he is not coughing up, is he?
Give me some background on the payment, what is required etc and maybe I can offer a path you could take.
(((WR)))
Ruby
He racked up two different visas and now has to pay approx $1400/month to keep the creditors at bay. I pay approx $2100/mortgage.
I'm fairly certain H has known he never intended to pay....or partial payment.
It's not going to be fixed by tomorrow. I can't honestly think he believes I'll be cutting him a cheque tomorrow......he has been waiting for this money for months!! He spends without having cash in hand, always has, and then when things don't pan out exactly as he anticipates he gets himself into trouble. I've always worked with him to fix it but not now (obviously).
So I was thinking
"That sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sure you'll figure it out"
thoughts?
WR,
"H, no, I haven't heard from my lawyer and he/she will contact me when he/she is ready to move forward. Sounds like a difficult situation that you are in. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
He should have thought about all of this when he racked up the credit cards. In fact, he should have thought about that while out purchasing presents for the kids. Oh, yeah, he's known for quite some time he wasn't going to pay or provide even a partial payment.
Whatever you do, don't help him out. He needs to learn to be accountable for his own actions w/o you bailing him out. Yes, he actually thought you may have had a check and wasn't going to give it to him. He doesn't realize, nor does he truly care, that the holidays and your lawyer has other clients besides yourself. Trying to do refinancing and mortgages takes time. You certainly can't snap your fingers and have it done. He will just have to wait and figure out how to take care of his own mess. He's hoping that if he bugs you enough, you'll call and push your lawyer to get moving...don't do it. As you know, each and every time you contact the law office, it costs you money. Let him sit and stew.
As for his FB account, let the little boy stew because he's only hurting himself by acting out. When he discovers that no one cares about that account, he'll once again friend you. It's called game playing.
I sent it like you suggested Job, we'll see what happens, I guess.
He's made plans with the boys tomorrow.....I hope they're free! How's it not ok to take care of your kids....I just don't get it.
I'm too old for these games!! Last time I checked, he was too!! UGGGGG
Yes. My suggestion as well.
It's okay not to take care of your kids when you are mentally and emotionally unable to. Doesn't mean you don't love them, you just can't
Mine said that he wouldn't have kids if he could do it all over again.
Nice.
that's horrible kp.......ohhhhhh
WR,
Are those credit cards in H's name only? If yes, then I would just let H twist in the wind as he brought this on by himself. You take care of the meaty, important stuff like the house, utility bills, food, and boy's clothes.
FB...oh my!! H is much too sensitive, heh?
yes, they are, Wonka, so I don't care....I worry about the bills in my name which is every other one!
Oh he's über sensitive, always has been, I used to bug him that he needed to lighten up and learn to laugh at himself....ooops:)
How the heck did he rack up enough credit card debt that $1400 a month is his PAYMENT??? What was he spending it on? Does he have a gambling or drug problem?
he would put gas, food, this, that on the card....take out cash advances. Stuff for around the house I guess......he's VERY POOR money manager! Always has been....it's been a problem our entire marriage. This was on TWO credit cards iml........his parent's have declared bankruptcy three times. He stated working full time at 15 years old, a working man's wage, lived at home rent free and didn't pay for groceries....still $30K in debt when we married.
I really should have run the other way when we met..........
his parent's have declared bankruptcy three times
Wow. Just.....wow.
You may not want to hear this right now, but - if you play your cards right and keep YOUR financial ducks in a row, you'll probably be much better off without him than with him in the long run.
It must have been very stressful to have your financial well-being tied to such a financially incompetent man.
it caused a lot of stress.........my parent's aren't rich, by any stretch, but, they're ok and would help us as best they could..........I've made stupid choices finically, who hasn't?, but, he's a finical disaster.
I'll be OK, financially, as long as I'm smart. Work my as$ off and keep paying my bills
HELP SIL #1 is back at me.......
"He didn't leave for another woman or abuse simply because he has not been happy for many years neither one of you have been and instead of wrapping your head around it and accepting your didn't appreciate him and your wanted to control him like a puppet master accepting the truth you go around bad mouthing him. Enjoy the money cause that's all you ended up with in the end."
Do I contact H and ask him to tell him to ask his sister to stop messaging me such negative messages?? How do I handle this one?
WR,
I am so sorry that SIL is at this once again. It can be aggravating to have interfering ILs who think they know what's going on and can dole out some 'wisdom.'
Please ignore SIL's rant. H most likely fed ILs lies and more lies about his situation and laying the blame at your feet. The ILs don't know the entire truth and are only hearing H's side of the story which, as you can see, is all gloom and doom about the Court. IT is clear here that H feels really stung by the Court's outcome so he's spewing more venom about you to his family. It is funny to read that SIL is projecting from H that you're badmouthing him!!!
I-G-N-O-R-E messages from SIL. Do not contact H at all.
Hold up your head high and continue riding out on the high road. Continue conducting yourself with integrity and dignity.
WR,
Ignore it. She's ramping up because she wants you to feel sorry her brother and give him everything he wants. The best thing to do is ignore the messages. She's only trying to rattle your cage and push you into doing something you don't want to do. It's called bullying you into submission. The best way to deal w/a bully is to ignore their sorry @sses.
File the message away and if she continues down the merry road of bullying file a harassment charge against her. But for now, let her spew and spew and when she realizes you aren't responding, she very well might stop it.
Obviously your h has been running his lips and they've been flapping quite a bit. Notice how when you responded to your h that you hadn't heard from your lawyer, she started back in? Well, I'm going to say this, and I hope that I'm wrong...if you take the bait and respond, this behavior will continue and I wouldn't be surprised if it continued even after the divorce.
You will know when you have had enough of her sh@t and want to file a harassment charge against her. I certainly wouldn't say anything to your h because he may be egging her on to do it. Silence is golden and believe me, nothing gets their goats better than being quiet. File the message away for future use just in case you need to file.
WR,
I also want to share something w/you that I hope I'm wrong about...but because your in-laws are behaving the way they are, you need to be warned. You SIL #1 is acting out and being a nasty bully and SIL #2 is somewhat friendly...the way I see it, they are playing you, i.e., good cop, bad cop, so be careful in what you say to SIL #2. Right now, blood is thicker than water and they are going to gaslight and play you for all it's worth to drive you to do whatever their brother wants or needs. So, my advice, step back from texting either one of them. They are not to be trusted right now. That family is very toxic and will do whatever it takes to bring you to your knees.
And keep your FB postings ho-hum with boring and mundane stuff. Make sure it is pure vanilla. Do not let your guard down with these ILs.
Thank you Wonka and Job......I just can't believe she messaged me AGAIN!! Enjoy the money? you mean the millions I'm going after?!?!?! or is it the fact I'm taking what my deserves?!?! Left with nothing? Oh you mean that I have my home, all our friends, OUR CHILDREN?!?!?! This SIL thought she was all high road when SHE left her H and didn't ask for spousal support and a smaller pay out from the house.....what she's missing is she LEFT and didn't even have all three of her kids! It's not honourable to allow H to do whatever he wants at the expense of our boys....why can't they see that?!?! I'm not going on vacation or buying expensive shoes......honestly!
I understand what you're saying Job.....other than exchanging Merry Christmas messages on christmas day (she initiated and I responded nothing more) there is no contact with any of them.
They are angry, close minded, awful people
WR,
I hate to say this...but you are going to get more of them because they are being hateful. She really doesn't know what she's talking about and when people talk like this, you have to consider the source and just let their lips flap away. Eventually, when you don't respond and/or show that they've rattled your well being, they stop.
Now, if you had come back at her in self defense, I can assure you, she would have been even more nasty. The best thing to do is ignore her and if they continue down this road of harassment, file a claim against her. But, whatever you do, don't tell her you've done it...let it be a surprise.
WR,
I bet the ILs do NOT know the true story behind H's precarious financial situation and maxing out on his credit cards. Do you honestly think H will say, "My bad...I am blowing money left and right. It is all on me." to his family?? Nope. He is hiding the true extent of his financial mess from everyone.
The best thing to do when faced with people who are into stirring up drama is to step away and not engage at all.
Great....she's going to be a peach! I'll let them dig a grave and then file a suit against her if she keeps going......She should spend this much time getting her 20 something year old boys off of the couch and into jobs!
I think, Wonka, that they wouldn't understand even if someone explained it to them line by line......they're just not that bright (sorry!). Did they expect me to absorb half of H's pre-marital debt? To walk away from MY inheritance? To not get what is legally my children's to get? Even the spousal is for my boys....to help me pay the mortgage so my boys can stay in the house! I can support myself, no problem, get a small apartment and live just fine but it's my boys I need help with and they have needs that he needs to step up to the plate on! What's funny.....He told SIL #2 (when he left) that he knew I'd take him for everything but it was better than being miserable with me. I didn't take him for anything more than what was ours but I guess it's not better than living with me.
Control him like a puppet master?!?!? Well, I will admit that I was the "mom" in the marriage and it was not healthy and could not continue BUT I did not take over the position without a willing, and needy, partner.....
Honey,
At ease! It is us here that you're talking with...your other 'family.' No need to explain or defend yourself here sweetie. We KNOW exactly what you're going through and providing the best home for your boys. We get it.
Please try not to take SIL's comments personally.
(((WR)))
You're right.....I guess I feel the need to defend myself, even if it's to you guys in place of them.....UGGGG
You know when they do this $hit I wonder IF H was to ever try and come back (and I know how big an "IF" that is) forgiving him would be one thing but his family.....oh man.....
I'm going out tonight with friends.....GALing is my response to this
I'm going out tonight with friends.....GALing is my response to this
Might I suggest you also buy yourself a new pair of shoes?
HAHAHAHAHA
I don't think you quite understand the obsession with shoes I have.....if you suggest it I may go do it!!!!
WR, that suxx, sorry to read they are acting out. Def. ignore and i'd probably see if your cell carrier can block text's from their phones for a bit. Maybe get yourself a little distance. Just a thought. (((WR)))
It would seem like I'm in trouble again...this time from H.
Let's start with some WONDERFUL news......S19's first day at college. YAY. I am a proud mamma today. He was so nervous but is doing fine. Another good piece of news....wasn't sure if my job would need me for work until mid January and I got called in for a full week this week so YAY FOR WORK.
A little refresher from info I gave at the beginning. When S19 got into college I think that was one of the catalysts for H's MLC. S had tagged us in a post on fb to tell us, he was so proud, and h never said anything. I noticed but didn't say anything, knowing h was already in a state but not understanding at that point, but the next day S asked if H had said anything to me. He was devestated and I laid into H about it. It was the day the light went out in H's eye as it were. Anyway! today S started and I posted a congratulatory fb status update! tagged S in it so H would have seen it if he looked, saying how proud I was and remembering back to first day of kindergarten and how wonderful new phases of life are. Just got a text from him, haven't seen one since the whole child support visa text from a could of weeks ago......
Hey was looking through my clothes and seem to be missing a few things. I'm guessing you felt I was ok to keep what you wanted for Matthew?
Why is he still after me?? C'mon. It's been since April now!! Do I even respond? I'm tired of being attacked
WR,
H is definitely not warm and cuddly at all.
I'd respond this way:
Thanks for letting me know. What is it that you are looking for specifically?
Brevity is the key in texts with H. It is clear that H is trying to make a dig here to bait you in reacting angrily and trying to defend yourself. It's soo freakin' transparent! Silly man.
Yay to your son on his first day at college! Way to go!
He did it himself...no one else did it for him.
WR,
I'm very happy for your son. This was a huge step for him and I'm proud of him and I don't even know him. Congratulations to your son. I know you are very proud of him and will be there for him no matter what.
Also, congratulations on having some work come your way now. I'm sure you could use the money and the time to focus on other things.
Trust your gut on whether or not you respond back to him...but if you do, wait a couple of days before doing so and respond back w/a question..."H, what do you think you are missing? I gave you what you requested." Leave it at that. Don't offer up anything more. If I recall, you did have a discussion w/him a while back about clothing, i.e., ties and that you were keeping a few for your son. Whatever you do, don't get into a text battle w/him.
To be honest w/you WR, I think your h is going to be a problem child and he and his family are going to continue to bug the crap out of you for a while. If your h continues to ask for things from the home, set a boundary and put a stop to giving him things. I insisted on a list from my xh be provided to my lawyer and I would review the listing and give him what I thought was proper. He still went back and continued to say he had personal items in the home, which he didn't and thank goodness I had his list and took photos of the things I gave him. You may end up having to do this at some point...
If you don't want to respond back to him, then don't. He needs to understand that you don't own a storage facility and since he's not been back to request additional items, you very well could have assumed that he didn't want or need them and gave them to Goodwill. Anything is possible when it's been 8-9 months of disconnect in communication. LOL!
Thank you for commenting Wonka and job (thank you for congratulations for S19...., He's had such a struggle. I'm very proud!!!)
I may not respond. Just like I didn't with his sister. If he has something to ask me he can start by being civil! I really don't deserve to be talked to like this. Other than the ties, which S19 wanted and the boots he needed, I don't know what he's talking about. it's too bad. He should have taken everything when he left I feel like we're in kindergarten and instead of telling me he likes me he is kicking me in the shins.
WR,
That is the decision you've made for now and that's good for you. Just be fully prepared for the possibility that H will badger you about his "missing" clothes. He might text you again later tonight or sometime tomorrow. The scripts we've provided you are good templates to work with in the event that you do hear back from H.
Seriously, I do like job's idea of taking photos and documenting which items you've handed over to H. That provides you great protection from any further gaslighting from H.
I'm with Wonka's response:
I'd respond this way:
Thanks for letting me know. What is it that you are looking for specifically?
I wouldn't drag it out, just make him be specific.
If he's gonna ask again about the ties or the boots, make him do the work of actually saying it. (Then let him do the work of actually asking his son to give him his boots back, if he must. No need for you to be the go-between.)
Of course, he might actually be missing something, and it might be in a closet or drawer somewhere, so go ahead and inquire what he's missing.
Odds are he doesn't even know, or it's something you already gave him long ago.
I think KML, Wonka and I are all on the same page. Put the burden on him to tell you exactly what he is missing. If it's the ties or the boots, then advise him that son is using them and then it's up to him to contact son about them.
I agree w/KML that he may not even know what he thinks he's missing, but is using this as an excuse to bug you right now. Keep in mind, he's not happy and he doesn't want to see you happy either. But, if you do give him things, be sure to keep a list and take photos. Sometimes they do forget that you've already given them things or that they've tossed the items out themselves.
WR, make him tell you what is missing....don't help him. If it is truly something that is missing, then it might be still in the house, but who knows what he's missing.
BTW, I do find it funny that he didn't tell you what items where missing. Normal people would tell you what they think is missing and ask you if you've seen the items.
You're all right. You make very valid points and I don't need to worry about when the next nasty text is coming. I will ask tonight. He can wait nine months he can wait a few more hours.
I should do his grammar corrections and send it back and ask him to try again. Lol.
If I were you, I'd wait until tomorrow [if H does not text again at all tonight]. Show him that you do have a busy life with your son at home.
Even better..... I could have a date tonight! Lol
Now you're talking for real! That's more like it, WR!
Hope you have a quiet and peaceful night.
Thanks Wonka!!
Plan to go get the flu shot and take a long hot shower.......works for me!
WR,
Goodness, your SIL has some issues! Her message seemed like she was in the middle of a conversation in her head and only bits of it made it out. I am sorry you have to deal with that. Try not to let it sting, even though I know that is hard.
I agree with the others, I would answer this one with silence as well. But, if it continues, I would respond with a please do not e-mail me anymore and if you do again, I will be required to take more formal action. If I recall correctly, you are not in the States and laws and options are very different in the States than they are elsewhere. It may be that a harassment suit is not available to to you or that it is quite a stringent test. At least if you convey this to SIL, she may stop. Perhaps check with your lawyer as to your options and an appropriate response, if the e-mails continue.
In the end, you want to make sure not to jepardize any of your interests for that turkey.
As for H, what a trout! Again, I agree with the others, might as well ask him what he is missing and get it over with. Besides, take the high road and let him stew. The fact that he is begrudging his son keeping some of his old stuff just proves how mucked up his mind is. My W is such a loser, looking out for my kids! Yep, that'll work.
Try to keep your sense of humour, WR, even when it is hard. Especially when things are hard.
Take care!
WR,
Checking in on you...how's things with you? H being quiet?
Hi Portia, you're right, the entire family has issues and seem to blame me for it all! I haven't heard from her since but it would seem the consensus is it's a matter of time.
Hi Wonka.....thanks for asking. I messaged him yesterday morning, as you wrote, and have not heard back. I did add an "also, need the login info from the joint account" so who knows.
Got a message from my lawyer. I need to provide documentation about the debt he came into the marriage with and my inheritance.......he just doesn't get it
Wow. Your ILs are precious, aren't they??
For what it is worth after the fact, I agree withthegirls, in the response to the text. Make him work for it.
Right now it feels like this is the only way he knows how to reach out, in anger and frustration. I used to poke the bears because I didn't like how I was feeling so I might as well make others feel like crap too.
I recognize this behaviour. And what is it you are missing specifically is the perfect response. It would have peeved me, because that wasn't the real point of the text lmao!!
Congrats on S in college. Just got one there myself :))
Hi guys.....been a way for a while. Was doing really well and the last two days I've just been blah. You understand.
.
KP thanks for stopping in! Precious is one word we can use. Since my last post SIL #2 not only blocked me on FB but the boys....so #1 unfriended them and now #2 blocked the. Nice, eh. Boys asked me why and my response "who gives a $hit. They're crazy and not worth it!" I don't care if it was right or wrong to say.....they don't to get just dispresect my children.
You make a very interesting point KP......poking the bear is the only way he knows to make contact. After my text I have not received another one since.......odd, as it's hard to get your stuff back if you don't tell me what you're missing.....hmmm. Lol.
Congrats on your "baby" starting college.....it's proud times!!
Although I have not heard from h I did hear from his lawyer. He wants copies of the canceled cheque, from my parents, as he is now contesting the amount they gave me, by a few thousand, so my parents have had to approach the bank to go back 16 years. I also have to find the cancelled cheque from H's pre-marital debt as he's also contesting that amount.. I was furious. His L said it's my problem as the files are in my the house. Told my L I'm done doing stuff for H and he's welcome to come look himself. Of course, she's like it's better for you blah, blah, blah......regardless iive looked and cannot find it so now I'm working with the bank. H's L has also asked for S19's proof of registration, income, hours etc. Had to ask S19 for it all and he stated giving me attitude about it wanting to know, and I'm done, so I said "because your dad does not want to give me full child support for you he wants to find out how much you make so he can give me less as I'm. Supposed to get the money from you". Again, I know I probably shouldn't have but it's the truth and I'm tired of getting my head bit off from everyone as I try and get everything figured out.
In one of the letters from H's L the second paragraph reads, where's he asking for the info this is how it starts...
"Mr H advises that your client has told the children not to provide any documentation to him of any sort. Kindly have your client obtain......."
I hit the roof. ANOTHER dig. I phoned my L and said they need to get the proof or shut the F up! I said I was tired of this and that I had talked to the boys and asked if I had said that or if they had interpreted something I said that way. They said no and that H had never even asked for any paperwork. The man was too scared to ask so he has to get me to do it and get a dig in!! My L tied telling me it wasn't accusing me and I told her I knew my H and knew exactly the game he's playing and with all the $hit from him and his family I wa going to lose it on all of them. That I had remained silent up until now but I was going to make this ugly if that's what he really wanted. I said I raise these boys all on my own, and that's fine, but he cannot attack me in the process. She said nothing was proven in a court at which I yelled, into my phone, BECAUSE ITS NOT TRUE!
My L responded and her first paragraph read
"As a preliminary, my client is frustrated at the stream of unfounded allegations coming from your client relative to her discussions with the children. At no time did she ever suggest to the children that they not provide your client with documents. Both children have told their mother that your client has never had any discussions with either child relative to providing documents. This sort of unfounded attack is troubling and not helpful in moving towards relaolution".
Oh and a funny side note I saw that H changed his profile pic to the monopoly man with his pockets turned out saying he's broke. This was a pic he had from a few years back at which I jokingly said "yes, cause I need pretty things! Lol". Some family member, whom he has never met, talked to or knows us in any way than what MiL has said "you're broke but happy" I laughed and laughed and laughed. Thought you loser!! Not only do you put that as your profile pic but leave my old comment there for effect. I guess my GAL photos aren't going over well.
H has contact S19 to go for dinner tomorrow night, he tried last week too, so we'll see what happens with that now.
Thanks for listening guys
Just got off the phone with H AND surprisingly polite!! WOW He wanted to talk to S14, but he's still sleeping as school is a late start, (which I explained) and H said I am trying to get together with S19 tonight and would like to see if S14 wants to come. (HERE IT IS!) I've tried calling a couple times and you told him I called he just hasn't called back but if you could tell him again. (ME in shock...Sure) Ok Thank you (the full word!)
No malice (I think he understood I'd be the one answering so no surprise on his end) but it was quite a shock to be treated like a human being.
WR,
Be very careful and stay alert. Your h may not realize that you already know about his latest complaints that he fed his lawyer. Generally when they are nice and polite, they are up to something. I've seen this time and again and it's the dance. Next time, he'll be slamming you for something. It's the good cop/bad cop routine that they love to us on us. Please don't be lulled into a sense of security because he's not done yet.
BTW, if he's called your S14 a number of times, then he should wait for him to return the call or not. He should realize that if his son hasn't called him, maybe your son doesn't want to speak w/him. You need to get yourself out of the middle of this phone tag business and let the two of them deal w/it. I know you really want them to have a relationship...but your son is old enough to determine whether he wants to deal w/his father or not.
I do hope that you and your sons are doing well in spite of his latest antics.
Thank you Job....I am suspicious actually (surprised for sure....was nice to be talked to like a human) but I also think it's just this time and he'll be rude again in 5 minutes. I'm sure he knows that I know about the L (mine was the last to respond) but I understand you're train of thought. I was polite but "cold" on the phone....does that make sense? Not chatty just allowed him to talk and gave him one syllable answers
I don't think there's much I can say to deter H from calling here and as long as I tell S14 (I say "your dad called") and leave it at that.
We're doing OK. Hopefully, the sun starts to shine soon and that will help to lift my spirits....its been grey and rainy here for over a week
I know you really want them to have a relationship...but your son is old enough to determine whether he wants to deal w/his father or not.
Well....I kinda disagree with this. I think you want to do what you can to preserve some kind of relationship between them, because the burden of having a parent you don't speak to is a detriment to your son.
My ex was a teen when his parents divorced. He and his brothers sided with their LBS father and cut their mom out of their lives. The father encouraged this behavior. Ten years later I encouraged my H to have some contact with his mom, and they have a nice relationship now. One brother finally contacted her in his 40's. The other brother is in his 50's now and hasn't spoken to his mother for over 30 years. The burden on him and his children is much greater. (Incidentally, my ex's mom was a WAS, but to be fair, my ex-FIL was a very very difficult man to be married to. From the outside, I'd say 50:50 responsibility for the demise of that marriage.)
I can completely understand what you're both saying and agree, in part, with you both. I don't discourage encounters with their dad, when H calls I pass along the message, every once in a while I'll ask if they've spoken to their dad recently but do not force the situation. Both boys need to do what feels right to them and H, as the parent, needs to figure out his new role all by himself.
When S14 woke up I said "your dad called" "why?" "To talk to you" and left it at that. When S19 got up he said "dad wants to go out tonight but we're waiting to see if S14 want at o come" I said I knew and that I had told S14 dad had called. S19 called out to S14 (to ask him) and I stopped him and said "your brother knows your dad called. It's up to him to respond. Don't get involved". S19 has a way of doing that and H relies on it. Not sure what will happen but it's up to everyone to make their own decision.
Honestly, H did this to them, and H is the only one that can undo this for them. And by undo I mean work to build a relationship with his boys not meaning he has to come back to me.
Well, I'm not sure why you wouldn't either tell S14 that his dad wanted to invite him out tonight, or let S19 pass that information on - frankly, it seems a little passive-aggressive on your part.
H uses S19 to pass along info to S14 when S14 won't talk to him.....it's not S19's job to relay messages. I told S14 his dad called to talk to him, again, what his dad wants to talk to him about is between them. I have been caught in the crossfire one too many times when trying to relay a message that I say what is needed and allow them to go from there
All H had time for the boys was 2 hours 15 minutes......had them home at 6:15. Took them for dinner and since there was nothing for them to do he brought them home......hasn't seen them since christmas.
He took them to dinner probably about 10-15 minutes from his place. Why didn't. He just get some ice cream and bring them back there......is he really scared that they'll know where he lives?
Hey White,
As a child of divorce, I just want to say I think you handled this beautifully.
My sister was the one who took the brunt of my dad's irresponsibility. He would convey "messages" to her to pass onto me because I wanted nothing to do with him. It was really unfair to my sis. She was just a kid and didn't need the pressure, on top of everything else she was dealing with, to repair my broken relationship with my dad. That was my dad's job.
My dad, like a lot of the men I read about on this board, seem adept at passing the buck--even to their kids.
I really admire how strong and savvy you are when it comes to your H passing the buck. I love how you simply don't allow him to delegate his responsibilities-at least as much as you are able in this crazy situation.
Hang in,
Heather
Thank you Heather, I appreciate so much you sharing that with me. I have been thinking about this more, as I do want to learn, and I can see that me passing along the message about dinner is hard for H to twist against me and I'm just ultra quiet now based on past experiences. Linda did mention that I did pass along H's message, "can you let him know I called", just as requested.....I guess it's how we all just see it and, in my case, react to it. I also, while thinking about, don't like the idea that S14 only talks to dad if there's something in it for him, like a dinner, that rubs me the wrong way about S14. It turned out that S14 asked his brother why dad called, he responded to go for dinner, so S14 allowed his dad to talk to him.....I'm going to have to address that. That's not cool to do with anyone. I also explained to S19 that both his dad and his brother are using him to garner info and he needs to not do that....a simple dad wants to talk to you.....is fine and allow them to figure it out.
It's been almost two weeks without a text but I got one today. My hot water tank needs replacing, because that's the way it is LOL, and I've been dealing with that since yesterday. (We have water and nothing has exploded, thankfully, but, it is leaking so I need to get it done ASAP).
S19 went to work this AM and then messaged me that H has ANOTHER "new" car.....we've now gone from the original Honda Element that we bought Nov 2012 from my friend (still owes $4000 on it) then traded that with his BIL for the F350 "dream" truck and now he's driving a civic. OMG, seriously?!?!? he changes cars like people do underwear! This has been an ongoing saga for us....every few years he wants a new vehicle and then I have to be "bad" cop saying it's not necessary.
After H left S I he messaged me
Hi WhiteRose I was just talking to S19 and he was telling mea bout the hot water tank. I can't remember what year we bought it but I'm pretty sire we bought one with a 9 year warranty the receipt should be in the house file
(he's referring to the house file folder in the filing cabinet......I was SOOOO shocked that he bothered to message me AND that he would remember where the bill was)
I did respond
Hi! Thanks for letting me know. I think it was the year I was really sick? 13 years ago
He responded right away
I don't remember what year but it would be worth checking the file
Me
For sure. You're right. Thanks for letting me know.
and that was the end of it........odd, odd, odd
For someone to be homeless and w/o any funds, he sure knows how to purchase another vehicle. LOL! He's not as bad off as he has portrayed himself to be if he can get another vehicle.
If the hot water heater is leaking, you are probably going to need a new one. Don't put it off to long...call a plumber and get someone out there before the leak ruins your flooring, i.e., then it will be even more expensive.
I'm glad he at least posted to you about where to look for the receipt. Chalk one up for him today for being a civil individual.
I hope you are doing okay and enjoying your Sunday.
Well, I guess S19 misunderstood.....the car is a loaner as his water tank needs replacing in the truck.
I asked S19 about what he said to H about the tank and he said H was complaining about his truck so I told him about the tank. H said to S that there was a nine year warranty on it, which there was but (I did find the paperwork and it was bought in 2002) and he didn't want me to have to spend money if I didn't need to. He also said to S that if I need to replace it that a tankless (hot water on demand) system would be better (I do want one but cannot afford it) but that he didn't know if I had $1200 for one.
I'll say this.......this is the nicest he's been in a while and he has NEVER once messaged me about anything house related so let's chalk one up for nice guy. In response to his "nicesness" I did find some of his French consulate papers and have asked him what he would like me to do with them. He's asked me to hold them until the next time he sees the boys....no problem!
OH and he went to visit S19....didn't buy anything. Just a visit
Interesting. He must be having some moments of clarity. If that is the case, take every nice moment he offers because he'll be back down in the pits before you know it.
first moment of clarity....it's nice....soaked it all up AND back on the defines again.