Well, anyone that would remember my posts would remember that my H was a horrible MLC person. He basically had a gf for over a year then spent the next two years running around and when I asked him where he was every night he was so vague and would answer my questions with why do you care or why do you want to know. Finally, in Oct he left. I wanted to work it out for so long but I really felt that I couldn't do it anymore. He had no job for over a year, got a job, then lost it two months later. Why?? This was never like him to just lose employment so frequently. Is this MLC???
So, where am I now. He is living in a not so nice area with no job and no money. He has taken money from me and continues to blame me and says he is so much happier now. When he says this it stings so much. He rarely sees the kids. And, from time to time contacts me and asks me if I miss him and tells me he loves me but it doesn't sound even like he means it.
Will it ever get better? Will I ever feel better and happy? I have to move bc I can't afford the house he dumped on me. He hasn't given me a dime. My family contstantly harrass me about getting a D from him but it is so hard even if he is a jerk. Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice to get through this.
Hey Tired. Long time.
He has taken money from me and continues to blame me and says he is so much happier now. When he says this it stings so much.
Really Tired? Step back and see this for what it is. You are enabling.
Why does it sting? He says he's happy being broke, living like a street walker? What? Is he on crack? Heroin? Anger?
Why does it sting? I think you're avoiding the truth in this situation. He's angry, lying, and a poor excuse for a human being (at least right now).
Let him go be happy. If you loved him, why would you want to stand in his way of that???
Your family isn't the person to make the decision. You are the one. And you'll make your decision when you're ready to. If I read you right, you're the type to not change your mind once made up. I'm like that.
I hear similar from my ex. My ex is far from destitute, but otherwise very similar in actions. Tells me all the time (I don't even return calls, email, etc) how happy she is. It's a bullying tactic, Tired.
What I learned was that I had to be the one to leave the relationship. Even if she had left/morphed the relationship, I had to be the one to emotionally leave her. She wasn't going to do it. She doesn't know how and she'd lose her favorite target for her anger.
If you love him, let him go. Learn to love you - I think you'll like what you find
Peace,
AJ
Thanks AJ!! I'm trying to be strong... Really!! I don't know why it stings bc it makes logical sense to everyone but me. I closed all the accounts and any access to money since he took my last paycheck. Christmas time is difficult. He actually took our kids this week which is the only real time he has spent w them all yr. he invited me to spend the holiday at his apt but I refused. This was his decision. He wasn't happy he wanted a new life. I would find it awkward to go to his new apt.
And yes... It takes me a while to actually make a decision but once I make it I stick to it. He is not on drugs but a very angry person.
Oh...and he has suddenly found god. I am not at all against religion but to me it seems hypocritical after all he has and continues to do to myself and the kids. He wouldn't step foot in a house of worship before. It all goes along with the who is this person question mark that always makes me upset.
Thanks for the advice!! I'm still trying to find myself. After 15yrs of marriage I lost myself somewhere. Trying to figure out again how to be happy w me.
Well my h took kids to church even though they raised Jewish. Then they went to dinner w a woman n her kids. My kids were very surprised. So now I'm alone on christmas sitting here crying. I really feel like things will never get easier for me. He has hardly been moved out n I knew he had someone all along so this finally confirms the months of arguing. When does it get easier??? When will I wake up n have my new life?
When? That's a great question Tired. But it will happen.
Like I said, you and I are similar in how we do and view things. We are slow to make large decisions, but final when we do.
For people like us, it takes time to process and make the decisions.
I'm at a place now, where I can look at your situation and say you should make the decision sooner. Essentially, to let him go and to choose you. I can look back and see that I should have made that same decision much sooner in my process.
I also decided I was not going to have enough information to understand any of what happened or why and that it wasn't necessary for me to be able to move on.
It was a series of difficult decisions. Looking back, they weren't that difficult - just needed to be made.
I admire that personality in others as well as myself, Tired. But there are times when it doesn't serve you as well as other times.
Raised Jewish and yet attending church services? Confused about something?
I was raised in a family where my father was Jewish, my mother was Presbyterian and neither attended services. We did always have a nice Hanukkah bush around for Christmas though
AJ
I can totally relate to how hard it is this time of year. Especially when the kids are gone.
For me the first two years I did something fun for myself, one year I went skiing. Take care of yourself as well as you can afford to. Get a manicure, go to yoga, get out of the house. Make the life you dreamed of having.
I would also imagine that I was I was Jackie O or Angelina Jolie or some other movie star and imagine how they would act if their husband left them. How they would never let the world see how they were devastated.
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt...he left her.
AJ..he is Catholic and I'm jewish but we decided long ago the kids would be Jewish and thusfar they have been going to hebrew school and my one son is close to his bar mitzvah. My h never stepped foot in a church in his life. I find it so hypocritical that he ruins our family and lives then finds god. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it goes along with all the other things I no longer recognize about him. I'm all for religion but to change the holiday as it is for my kids, to not have me with them for the holiday and then make them sit in church when its not their religion really annoyed me.
On a less pessimistic not, I went ahead and bit the bullet and filed for Divorce yesterday. I didn't tell H he will figure it out soon enough. I didn't want to start another year sitting around in limboland as I had been for the past two years. He clearly chose a new life that didn't include me so why should I stay in this situation any longer?
Bklynmom...unfortunately I sat home this year alone and wallowed in my own depression. But, I've decided to change things and start the new year fresh with a more positive attitude. I didn't realize how hard the holiday season without my kids would be.
Well, kids came home from dads. He told me he had a job interview on Fri night and they had to leave. Really?? Job interview on a Fri night. Then when I got them he was in jeans and a tshirt. Boys told me H has girls calling left and right and my S12 says his dad is dating all of them and cheating on all of them. Why should a 12 yr old even know this? Kids said H bought a sound machine while they were there and called some woman and said he bought it so she won't hear the snoring anymore. So much for the first big week with their father. I guess I need to get used to this. They also said that he told them he thinks we will reconcile in a few years. This is not the first time he has said this. I really don't know what he thinks. That we are going to stop being married, he will date a few years then come back when he is done running around and my doors will be open? I've already waited in limboland for 2 years.
Today, he showed up in the same clothes as last night and stopped in at 8AM to pick the kids up for breakfast. It seems as if he was coming back from wherever from last night. Ugh...I can't take much more!! I can't wait for the D to go through at this point.
Tired, what you describe is very much in keeping with MLC. Crisis of faith, dating, keeping a fantasy that he'll come home etc. Have you read Cadet's links yet?
I get that you want out. That's a choice only you can make. But it helps to understand a bit more about what's going on so you can detach and keep the emotions in check. The alternative is to keep the anger for a long time - I don't wish that on anyone.
AJ
I read the links a long time ago but I think it is probably a good idea to go back and reread it again.
Hanging on to the anger is the part I struggle with. You can probably sense that from my tone. How long did it take you to move on with all this and detach? I guess that is the hardest part?
Look, I still care about my ex. She is the mother of my kids and we were married for 20 years. I care that she is alright even if I don't know what that looks like. I don't know that that goes away. But I don't want to talk to her, see her, or really know anything about her or her life. I wish her well, but that's about the extent of it. I have my own things to do and be concerned about. I have my kids to be concerned about as well.
It took a lot of work and time to detach. I thought I was many times only to find that I was able to be dragged back in. When that was no longer possible, my daughter started up (teens
). It's a journey, but for a long while now I haven't been concerned about my ex or what she does or tries to do. It's got to the point it's not really even annoying when she tries to instigate.
The less I took the bait, the harder she tried. That made it difficult at first to see what was going on. But my goal was to release all of it. I said what I needed to say years ago. I stopped listening to what she said years ago. Over time, it became less annoying to read the emails and texts with the accusations and bile.
I had a great Christmas. It's been a great year. I struggle with ordinary life things like everyone else, but they are just that - life. I learned there are more important things than those bumps as we go along. Or rather, re-learned them. I was a mess for a while to be sure.
Detachment comes sooner if you start now. Don't boil the ocean or expect a pill or electroshock will immediately take it away. Chip away at it and before long it will be less of a mountain, right? Put another way, elephants are best eaten in small pieces.
For me, it helped to pick one thing, deal with it, resolve it for me (without her involvement) and then let it go never to look back. Once that was done, I took another item off the shelf and dealt with it the same way. I never took more than one, and I never stop doing it. Slowly and steadily I keep at it.
Moving on? That's a fallacy if you ask me. You never stop moving until you can't. It's not moving on to me, it's dealing with the issues at hand. More fluid than moving on would imply, and works better for me.
For each of us, it takes as long as it takes. But it goes faster if you get started
Make sense?
AJ
Yea...makes sense...funny though, my H says some of those things to me and as if I am the one to blame. He leaves me vm bout caring for me, wishing me well...yada yada. I am the one texting and arguing with him but he really is the one that left and stuck me in this mess. I take some responsibility but he drags me in all the time. He acts as if he wants nothing to do with me then calls me and asks me if I miss him. Tells me he loves me. Says we will get back in a few years. Those are the things I need to detach from. Those are the little threads that keep me hanging.
I will try and make baby steps. Going to try and join some activities, figure out who I am and maybe go to a support meeting to get my head in the right place. I know we will never be together so looking back is pointless.
Glad you had a nice holiday!! It might seem as if I am only thinking about myself but I am not. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your help with everything.
It doesn't really come across as thinking about yourself, Tired. It comes across as you are hurt, sad, and unsure of things. Understandably so. Just don't stay that way, right?
AJ
I don't know how to copy and paste from previous posts yet so I will refer to one of your earlier posts.....I had to laugh at the comment of him expecting to divorce a few years then getting back together. My H doesn't do that so I can't relate on that. He sounds like he loves to keep you hanging on and I can see why it would really be hard for you to hear those things while trying to detach and heal.
I'm sorry the kids had to deal with H and his girlfriends. Then seeing him show up the next morning in the the same clothes. Sometimes I HAVE learned to roll my eyes to myself because I realize the things they do are CRAZY.
I know they are the messed up ones but it IS so difficult to not get sucked in to their antics and yours is definitely trying to keep doing that.
I feel like all I do work and take her to gymnastics. I do though have a group of friends from gymnastics, gym moms, who we go out to eat each week. We also hang out together every week because we are at the gym for many hours a week, however they are all married and stay at home moms. I signed up for a meetup group in another city because there wasn't one in mine but haven't gotten the courage to go yet. The support thing is also my downfall.
I did find a one time divorce class at another church in December that I attended. It was great. They have the divorce care class starting in jan. I would love to do it but it's the one night we don't have gymnastics. Find something and start small. I don't about you but I used to be the social one and hubby was the non social. In the past couple years I have become very private.....depression I'm sure so I need baby steps to get out and meet people.
MJ..Same here!! We are a lot alike. I am very social and my H was always very antisocial. That is the strange thing. I have been so depressed that I am home alone not socializing and he running around with girls friends whatever.. This is a guy that had no friends for years.
on a side note, he has cut himself off from my family and his. His parents both pretty much abandoned him as a kid and he had a horrible childhood but for the past 15 yrs he has been working on a relationship with them. Then the past year he stopped and seems to be angry at them all over again as if it happened last week.
He just told me I am just angry and upset because he is so happy.I have to laugh as AJ says and read that comment from a distance. You left our beautiful house, friends, and family to live alone in a tiny apt in the ghetto. you moved an hour and half from everyone and never see your kids. From what the kids say your gf is in a really rough area over 2 hours away and this is where you spend most of your time now. You have no job, no money, and not even unemployment. And, he thinks I am jealous of him and angry at him for his supposed happiness...omg.. I seriously think he is insane!!
He just told me I am just angry and upset because he is so happy.I have to laugh as AJ says and read that comment from a distance. You left our beautiful house, friends, and family to live alone in a tiny apt in the ghetto. you moved an hour and half from everyone and never see your kids. From what the kids say your gf is in a really rough area over 2 hours away and this is where you spend most of your time now. You have no job, no money, and not even unemployment. And, he thinks I am jealous of him and angry at him for his supposed happiness...omg.. I seriously think he is insane!!
Maybe I've been here too long, but that so reminds me of Raine's situation and posts. It's not uncommon to hear them say how happy they are to their spouse. I laugh every single time I hear it, and I'm a little disappointed as well. I really do hope my ex finds peace and contentment. Happiness? Sure, but that's a temporary emotion that comes and goes for most people. I wish her better although I didn't always
You should check out Raine's posts. I think you'll find them interesting.
AJ
AJ...I'm not sure if he is trying to convince me or himself about how happy he is. Either way unfortunately I'm really the unhappy one. Putting one foot in front if the other. Hoping he keeps his distance for a while so I can heal. Every time he comes around it sets me back. I'll check out Raines comments. While I don't wish this pain on anyone else I guess there is strength in numbers.
What if he's trying to convince you both? That would mean neither of you is happy, wouldn't it?
His happiness is his issue. Yours is more important to me at the moment. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't worry about him. Let him be the one to worry for him and heck, let him wonder about you.
Even if he doesn't physically keep his distance, you can still heal. I know. I've been there. It's slower if he's in and out of your life, but it's possible.
Keep your head up and work on you. Let the rest figure itself out, because you have enough to deal with right now, just dealing with yourself. Know what I mean?
AJ
Does he pay you anything? H says he's happy also. One thing I have learned that I didn't know early on is yes my daughter was hurt and still is, she went to counseling and still goes once a month, but she is very strong....I am learning so much from her actually. She has a friend who's dad died when she was 2 and mom never remarried so D11 sees we can have a life and move on. Sometimes I think my daughters are stronger than me.
I hear your sons talk about going to their dads and as much as they don't like hearing about the ow they seem to also be doing fairly well. If they can do it we have to show them we can.
And yes your H....has checked out or something. No job, unemployment or anything.....don't let him get to you. I might would rather mine be broke. Mine has tons of money now because he doesn't pay for our household expenses. He just has a small apartment so it kills me knowing I'm struggling while he keeps all that money.
Oh and AJ, I have read Raine's threads I thought from start to present. Tired, you should read if you have not.
Well, here is the update...Sun H picked up kids and they went to movies with same woman from Xmas. So, at this point there is no question it is a gf. According to both kids she pays for everything and she has a huge house and a lots of money. Since H has no job and no unemployment I am guessing this is his meal ticket at the moment. Not sure what type of woman would give a man money and pay for all his kids Xmas gifts but that is her problem. My S said he overheard her say her H left her and never sees her kids. She has 3 kids. Funny, bc my H had no interest in a family and now he is trying to work his way into hers. He suddenly has a renewed interest in my kids to make himself look good but they both say the minute they are out of her site he is the same nasty person he was prior. And, the funny thing is the kids said the gf keeps saying how nice it is to have my H around bc her kids need a father bc theirs hardly sees their dad and he cheated and left them. Oh, the irony...
MJ..my H does not give me any money at all. He left the house and all the bills to me. The house needs a ton of work too. He still on the car and health insurance that I am paying for as well as paying for all the kids expenses. You would think I had a good job but I don't and will lose the house if something doesn't change. I am trying to get my kids into therapy also at the moment. Their dad has turned them into angry kids and it upsets me because that isn't how they used to be.
AJ...you are right about not thinking about him. Still trying to focus on me. It seems to get harder with the revelation of the latest gf but there have been so many the past few years I am sure so I just have to put it out of mind.
I guess the right approach might be like the one I took. I realize my ex left and cheated and hated etc... But I still had to be the one to leave her (emotionally). I had to end the relationship. At first it seemed "unfair" to be the one left to do her dirty work. But over time I realized...I didn't care about that in any other aspect of my life and I wasn't going to for that either.
I needed to be the one to end it emotionally. Like it or not, it needed to be done. It has been "interesting" to say the least, but it has also paid off like you would not believe.
Just one approach and something to think about.
AJ
Tired, I just read what you wrote on my thread but decided to respond here for part of it. First, for you to be standing where you are today taking care of your kids the best you can for what all your H has done I think you deserve an award. Obviously as the saying goes, you just can't make that stuff up but what all you wrote, crazy....the story about the voting and calling your work for that question? Have you ever tried to get a support order from him? Can they make him get a job a support his children? It does sound like he keeps running. This latest ow will not put up with his unemployment status for long. Same as my H also though, even if he got rid of ow I think he has issues that need to be dealt with and that may not happen.
Do your best tired. Make 2014 a new year with goals. My therapist told me last session maybe it was time to start making goals. That was all he said. I've had a pretty good few days thinking about what I want in the next year and realized I have 3 distinct goals for the next year. H fits nowhere in them. All 3 of these goals will dramatically in the end make my life a lifestyle of less stress, more financially secure and probably spending more time with my girls, well D11 since D21 is usually away. Think about things for yourself and kids in mind.
AJ..I'm 100 per in agreement w you that I have to be the one to leave emotionally. H continues to bring kids out w this woman so I'm just distancing myself. He still doesn't look "happy" but that's his problem.
MJ..I couldn't make this stuff up.. Lol. We have lived a roller coaster ride to say the least the past two yrs. the irony is H blamed me for all of it. I'm home w kids he running around n I'm to blame. I heard stupid stuff all year. I didn't hold his hand enough..rub his neck in the car anymore like when we were young, yada yada. This new woman has 3 kids. My h can't handle the two that are his. I wish I could see the future how this would play out. Oh.. N woman commutes to nyc every day. So I'm guessing she very tired at night. Let see how many back rubs he will get. He wanted all my attention so I can't imagine she wants someone so needy if she has so much going on herself.
What's been going on with you this past week? How are things going? I'm guessing kids are back in school and back to regular hectic routine? I know mine is and it's somewhat crazy because a year ago all help from H stopped. Luckily my parents live 30 min away so they come over every morning at 6 so I can go to work and they take D11 to school and pick her up. Do you have help from friends or family? I started last year also relying on a group of moms at gymnastics. Since they are there so long, I don't stay up there as much, and go home and rest, much needed.
I'm still working on the GAL....how bout you? It is difficult when we are the main care providers but I know it's needed.
I think we just have to live like as it's us for good. Our H are gone so no use planning anything with them in mind. I finally opened bank account in my own name, everything in my own name. I'm not about to have 2014 be like 2013, the worst year of my life.
I have made a lot of lifestyle changes, cut out unnecessary things, changed plans on things so I could afford everything. I think the last of it is deciding to sell house which I'm still undecided.
Ignore your H's crazy behaviors. He truly sounds a little nutty right now. Was him not working normal behavior before BD? If not I would say he is really lost. Just focus on you.
Hi MJ..just trying to get back into routine. I think the GAL thing is the hardest. Until now I think being a mom n wife was what defined me. Sure u can understand that? My boys keep me busy. My H basically does nothing w them other then Xmas which was to impress the new gf. Sat he missed S8 bball game. Then made second half of s11 game. That's his big contribution to their weekend.
Sun he was supposed to take them sledding but when my s8 called him he was busy n there was a girl talking to him. So that was the end of it. I am invited to a party next sat so I'm going alone. A little nervous but still trying to GAL!! My biggest issue right now is the house. W no financial help I can't do much. I live in NJ n prices are so high here. I can't afford my mortgage or rent if he never contributes.
Sounds like we are both trying to put out best foot forward and make the coming year much better then the last. It's great u have the other gymnastic moms to help u! I'm trying to ask a little more from friends n neighbors bc I'm finding it's just too hard to do everything by myself. My family is about 50 mi away n not overly helpful. My sisters help when they can.
definitely open your own account!! Good move. I didn't at first n my H was stealing from me. It's also the first step toward moving ahead. How is your daughter doing?? Has he seen her at all for the holidays?
trying to stay focused. H spending most of his time with the GF n only sees kids when they do something with them together. I assume she must question why he doesn't see them so he has an obligatory visit every once in a while. When I get angry at him he just tells me I am jealous because he has someone and is so happy. I'm not jealous. I just don't understand how you can desert your family because you weren't getting enough attention. The new gf has not two but 3 kids. She works full time in the city which is over an hour from her home and in a demanding job. He is two hours from her and has to drive back and forth to her house. And, my S said she has 2 ex husbands to deal with regarding her kids. why would he think he will get more attention from her? Just another thing that irritates me. Especially since he has not given me money yet and basically spends no time with our kids. Just venting today!!
Well, things are really at a stand still right now. H still running around, no job, not giving me a dime. Living off whatever woman he can I guess or the GF. He won't say. I found out he comes in my house when I'm at work. Kids have told me they come home from school and he laying on couch. Then he leaves as soon as they get there. It is so annoying to say the least. I can't believe this is the life he wanted. I told him I was selling the snow blower bc I can't use it and he screamed at me and told me I'm not selling it as if he still had rights to it and took care of clearing the snow for us. He is just a pain at this point. Filed for D and it is a lot of waiting. Old S still angry and hates dad and younger one seems to be tired of being disappointed by him.