Well it was a good Xmas.
W was fully present and much like herself during the present opening. Lots of real smiles, even one for me, she seemed happy.
She had to take a couple breaks, but overall so much better than the two previous holiday seasons.
She cleaned the kitchen for me so I could cook, asked me to help her by keeping the laundry she started going, been quite a while since she asked me to work with her.
I made a nice, simple, ham dinner.
The kids loved their presents and the meal, just a nice, good day.
I am thankful.
Happy for you T2~~~ sounds wonderful!!
Did you have a gift for her? Did she have one for you?
Cheers!
Magic
Sounds great!! Happy for you and your family.
Merry Christmas T2
That's awesome. Glad you had a good Christmas!
T2,
What a wonderful Christmas! I'm very happy to read that everything went well and all had a very pleasant day. That's what the holiday is all about...team work and having some fun!
Thank you all!
Magic, we haven't exchanged gifts for years because the money was always so tight that we decided to focus our resources on the kids. So I had no expectations, and by me NOT giving her one, even though the money is better now that she is working, I am showing that I heard her, and respect her.
Aside from W being further along in her journey, the main thing that made the day good was that I feel that I was truly lovingly detached, and truly without expectations this year. The past two holiday seasons? Not so much, lol!
Just accepting of who she is at the moment, and focused on the present moment, what WAS right in front of me. No pressure, no trying to make any certain outcome happen. Just focusing on the kids, their happiness, and being myself.
Being happy with my kids, with W, as she is right now, and myself.
Being happy with my kids, with W, as she is right now, and myself.
And for that, I am truly happy for you, T2.
AJ
I agree with AJ - so happy for you, my friend.
Glad it was a good holiday.
You freakin rock, T. Just sayin....:)
Dang, T, I forgot to sneak in the mistletoe for the kitchen. Would that have been something for you, heh?
I think your W has been secretly taking some Claritin in the bathroom. Just sayin'...
My feet are on the ground, this story is still being written, so...we will see.
Who'd have thought one could re-learn happiness in a trial such as this??
As long as it would have been wild, organic mistletoe harvested by a Druid at the proper hour....
And I did see some new herbal concoctions in the bathroom... lol!
Druids, T, really? Your computer geek is showing. LOL!
You're ok in my book, though.
I'm so glad to hear you had a nice Christmas T, good for you. I've long said that we're only going to be as happy as we make our minds up to be, and you've been doing great.
Anything new planned for the new year?
I think your W has been secretly taking some Claritin in the bathroom. Just sayin'...
Wait... what's the joke about Claritin? I think you've mentioned this before, Wonka. My W's been taking Claritin regularly! (and so do I during the fall ragweed season) Does it take the edge off MLC? Reduce the longing for an OP? Were you a Claritin junky?
FY,
When I explained the process coming out of my MLC fog, it was like Claritin clear. It was one of my posts way back in Raine's (or was it Linda's) earlier threads when describing the fog lifting from my brain and seeing things clearly. Get it now, m'darling?
I think kissing under that mistletoe turned you mush!
Ohhhh... Ok, now I get it. Though I'd rather do the mushy mistletoe thing...
psssst...UR....(...Druids exist...just sayin'....)
So, in T2 news, I am going to audition for a band tomorrow as part of my moving forward/living my life/seizing the day with what I can control. The project looks really in sync with life and reality. The guys have professional real careers, want to make good quality music, maybe play out once a month locally.
And do original music, no "bar band" thing.
The project has a very 80's, Peter Gabriel/New Order direction. Art + dancability. A perfect platform for some deep groovy bass lines...
If it works out for me then I will have my creative (in a non-techy way) outlet, some more life balance.
Also, the first steps in my career/business expansion have truly begun, taking those first investment steps in some enterprise class gear...when money is spent, that signals "this is going to happen"...lol.
In W news, she forgot to text me last night running late from work, she was apologetic and I just said "Well, I know that XXXX was working, so I figured you two got your gurl talk going after closing, no worries..." with a smile. So I think I quietly and indirectly let her know that I am giving trust or at least benefit of the doubt atm. Who knows though.
So, onto a weekend of fix-it projects, cooking, cleaning, and some new things with the audition.
Hope everyone makes a great weekend!
Nice! Good for you. You were already, but you just upped your cool factor, big time, T.
Sounds really great. Happy for you, my friend.
T2 definitely has the cool factor going on
Well it appears that I am a musician again.
Let's see;
-music back in life
-business expanding, building new things, New engineering challenges
-kids doing well, good R with them
-vehicles all working
-finances okay and tolerable
-good holidays
What's missing from reconstructing/rebuilding my life?
Just one little thing.....
Lol!
That is an freakin great list, my friend. So happy for you. And yes, one thing is missing - doesnt mean it will alway be. Just sayin....;)
I agree w/uR, this is a great list. The one thing missing will come in time...more patience is needed. Your w has been making progress right along and the new year is right around the corner and I do think that there will be good changes comes your way in 2014. Just be patient a little longer.
Sounds good T. Don't forget: "Fixed furnace on your own and saved big $$$.
Oh, and good move on joining the band. Musicians get all the chicks.
I have some patience left, still curious as heck to see what comes out of the cocoon.
I only want one particular chick atm FY...
So bunch of good food made for the week, W won't have to cook, and neither will I except New year's fun food, and New year's day corned beef and cabbage tradition.
Making that little list earlier really showed me some perspective, and that I am happy and pretty satisfied with my life. W can only add to it now, can't take much away anymore.
But the story isn't done quite yet.
Hey T
I like that list too... Quite the accomplishments
Don't worry, I'm putting FY on groupie control - lol!
You are absolutely right in that you have worked to create a full and happy life for you and your family. A renewed M with your W would enhance what you have already created. You aren't dependent on her anymore for your happiness - what a wonderful gift to yourself and her!
Your story isn't over yet my friend - not even close
PS - keep us posted on that cocoon
Making that little list earlier really showed me some perspective, and that I am happy and pretty satisfied with my life. W can only add to it now, can't take much away anymore.
But the story isn't done quite yet.
My friend, that is my favorite part. ^^^^. I dont think your story is done either.That is more than just a little list, sweetie. That's some big stuff you accomplished. Dont sell yourself short - as you are want to do at times. Just sayin....;)
So, I am shipping off a super deluxe patience shovel and an antsy control device free of charge. Happy New Year. LOL!
Good things are coming Mr T.
I'm so happy for you and where you are in this journey. Keep showing her how awesome you are.
Crank up the music, dance like there is no tomorrow, and bake some cookies.
I only want one particular chick atm FY...
Me! Me!!
Heinlein and now rocker wanna be...I think my crush has gotten a bit deeper for you.
Wonka, you flatterer you! lol!
Just some thoughts...
I want to thank all the people here who have helped me along the way, both here and the alt.
And those who have helped by posting their journey in the past.
By reading, re-reading and studying the archives, other people's sitches, suggestions for outside reading, etc., they have given me a wisdom I did not have before. So as W has been moving out of the tunnel, the "re-dips" into replay, for example, haven't surprised me (too much), and derailed me (close, but not all the way).
Others have walked a similar path and shown that these things don't necessarily mean the story is over...it might...but might not. But rather what matters is how WE carry ourselves, in the end. To the end, or, beginning.
And we LBS also go through our recycles during this time, cycling back through the "stages" of LBS-ness, of grief. Revisiting. Reapplying. Re-feeling.
So as we roll to a new year, new beginnings are afoot. The process started within back in April with BD#3 (or is it really since the beginning of this in 2009? I can see the path looking back...) has grown me up, pushed me to where I need to be, allowed me to see things clearly. To step back enough to see the forest.
I am finally pretty much the man I want to be...a kind, integrated man. But with my quirks (naturally...), lol. Always more work to do. I am a much better father, friend, co-worker. Not sure about lover though, haven't had the opportunity to test THAT theory!
I am happy, and I learned how to be that during the worst time in my life. Jim Morrison said,
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
W's MLC exposed me to my deepest fears, to the reality of my ego, how fragile and self-protective it was. The two most important people in my life abandoned me, the first, through death back when I was 15. The second, through MLC, when I was 46. Doing the work, on myself, has freed me from that baggage, that fear. I am okay. I will be okay, even great, perchance. But I am not afraid, anymore. Life may not be fair, but it is good.
Thank you all, vets, current posters, and all the posters from before who opened up their journey here for others to learn from...
Happy New Year!
Thanks AJ!
NYE was good. W went to bed at 11 or so, she has been fighting a cold or something. The boys, S1's GF and I had our own little quiet celebration down in the man cave. It was fun and fulfilling.
Another shift in me seems to have occurred, a further settling in of some things...
I feel good. I feel like I am coming into my own power. Power not of the ego, but from somewhere else, deeper inside. I can love. I can let go. I have preferences, of course, but I will give my best to either.
I am free.
AJ, I hope you had a great NYE and this year is even more awesome for you!
It was a great NYE, T2. And I'm not sure what I'll do if my life gets that much better. I may have to get somebody else to enjoy it with me if that happens
I like that last line. "I am free" You are free without having to get divorced. Without leaving. Without going anywhere but inside yourself. I find that very inspirational and admirable, T2.
Not everyone could have done that.
AJ
Peace within your heart, T. Amazing place to be, right?
So happy for you, my friend.
Attaboy! Isn't it freeing to feel free, T?!
Yes, it is, Wonka...
And that feeling continues...some journaling:
Just regular old living my life, taking care of my sons, doing the needfuls that life tosses us. W is there, slowly rejoining.
I think she may be tossing a test or two at me. For example, I had to take s3 to a neurologist, W had made the appt but then wanted me to deal with it. I said "sure, I got this, no problem. It would be good if you were there too so we both get the same info, but if you can't get off work, no big deal" with a grin.
And she showed up. I think she was testing me, but I could be wrong, and, doesn't really matter, because I would have done the same as a single dad. Poor guy has to have an MRI...of course he is totally psyched to do it, can't wait to see his brain...that's my genes right there!
And a couple times she had not communicated running late at work or shopping after work. When she came home she was very apologetic, and she has been, and says she is, rather "spacey". This isn't really much different than her pre-mlc behavior, to be honest. It didn't bother me then, that was just her sometimes. Of course mlc had changed that for me, but I am getting back to pre-mlc "non-paranoid" about it...if that makes sense.
Pre-mlc it was blind trust in her and our R. Now it is that I trust myself, that I will "feel" something amiss, and be able to handle it, and trust that the truth will find a way to make itself known if she fails. And I will be okay if she does. I can let her go. Still don't want to, still think I probably won't have to, but I can.
She is opening up a bit more in cycles...about what is up with her, her work.
She called me from work yesterday, full of compliments about how I have been handling things, dealing with the boys, cooking, cleaning etc...gee, almost like db-ing, lol, lotsa validation...It's like she is slowly returning to the reality at hand in front of her. It's funny that she came into the MBR before leaving for work (rarely has done this since she moved to the couch over a year ago) to tell me that stuff, but decided to call me from work instead ...guess my morning hair was too scary...
But she knows I am not a morning person...shouldn't hit me with anything until I am on my second cup of coffee, preferably my third.
I did a wee bit of pursuing...W posts in her fb status she's sad about her never-ending acne..Raine suggested I post the Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" video as just a comment, no words, she never said anything, but it is still there...and trust me, W knows how to delete stuff on fb very well.
Other than that I don't respond too much to stuff she posts there, lots of those pithy self-help and motivation things and pics...I just "like" the stuff I truly like from time to time. Letting her get it out, and she IS including me now, not like before so....idk, whatever...its all good, no worries.
OH! W texted me happy birthday (first acknowledgement since 2011). I did have a bday, last year of my 40's.
And her clothes have joined the rest of ours in the dirty clothes sorter hamper (yes, I have a sorter hamper)...her undies were touching mine...lmao! Just something that made me laugh when I saw it...I laugh so easily now.
Some clarification...reading above makes me think I wasn't clear and left out some stuff...I'm tired.
About addressing all this mlc, replay and stuff with W....
I do think this will need to be talked about to some extent in the future.
Someday...yes. But I do want to see
what actually needs addressing, as I have found with myself, what I "needed" to know say 10 months ago, is a lot more, and a lot different, than what I "need" to know now. Hope that made sense.
Why dig up unnecessary graves? I want to wait, get some good solid positives going, get on firm ground, both her, and us.
Then see what I need or want to know. Pretty much SBT, right? Well, that's my interpretation...
And see what she will need to say, and she will, if more than 42% of her old core self returns.
She has apologized, twice, already since spring 2012.
She's fragile right now, I see the guilt, the remorse, for what she has done to the family, the lost time...I see it, hear it woven into her words, though she doesnt express it directly usually. I feel it.
We did have a really strong unsaid "connection" to each other. Mine to her is still there.
The lying, sneaking, concern for her safety and the quality of "men" who would have an affair with a M woman in crisis are my issues, and the loss of feelings for me...not the actual sex part...I am very open-minded there. And infidelity is old as humans, it's not a good thing, but it is there, always has been.
Kinda like RL was more mad about the "intimacy with RT" than, as she said, his dick in her...
(lol, RL DOES crack me up, I hope I'm like that in my 60's!!)
Basically, I am not concerned about getting more apologies, amends, etc, now or in the very near future. I want to wait and see what comes naturally, is offered up, and where I am...then address what needs to be addressed then.
That is where I am, I have learned to be patient, that answers and such will come, they always do. I can wait.
I have my own rough limits and deadlines for waiting, what I need to see. I think it was Starsky (not sure) who posted a long time ago, that he understood it would take time, 6-18 months maybe, but what he needed to see was "trying", his W trying. That was key.
I see W trying.
Hope that is clearer than mud... lol!
Wow T, an amazing list of progress there. I'm so happy for you. You've worked really hard for this and truly deserve it.
I like how you even threw a little math in there. You should write a book...
The Scientific Approach to Dealing with a MLC. I look forward to reading more good news from you.
Thanks FY
42% was a little throw out to Douglas Adams.
Basically, I am not concerned about getting more apologies, amends, etc, now or in the very near future. I want to wait and see what comes naturally, is offered up, and where I am...then address what needs to be addressed then.
T,
It seems contradictory to me. You state that you're 'not concerned' while in the same breath you're waiting for it to come. This made me go "hmmmmm....I think T has some unspoken expectation going on here." Am I warm here?
hmmm....
Expectation.... hmmm... darn it Wonka, you made me think...
I expect that I will have a few things I will want to know, someday. But not right now.
There is a possible expectation that W will want to talk about some stuff, IF...only IF, enough of who she was before MLC remains. She was/is a "talking" processor. And she did give/offer some details and stuff back in Feb/March when the OM things blew up for her. So I "expect" she is likely to do the same, when she is ready. Not guaranteed, though.
Just trying to not get ahead of myself... and focus on the immediate things and worry about future details a bit farther down the road.
Did that explain it better?
S3 had his brain MRI today, he did perfectly and didn't had to re-do anything. Now we get to wait for the results for a couple few days...that is hard because who knows what is pressing on his optic nerve and other nerves...he is trying so hard to be tough and not worry.
He confided in me that he was worried...I listened and validated, gave him a bunch of hugs.
W and I were both there, she was quite pleasant, laughing at my attempts to make this all somewhat fun and take the edge off, very talkative, even sat next to me, lol.
She talked to/with me for almost 90 minutes, lots of venting about stuff, but also a bunch of "clarity" talk (I guess), gobs of "we" statements throughout. Different feel, lots of old W present tonight.
Tucking s3 in (well, as much as a 12 year old will let you) was sweet tonight...the boy has so much stress...but he found a "IYL Dad" somewhere...
Good stuff Brother T.
You have your priorities, and are being very patient with the squirrel. I need to remember this every moment right now with my very shattered W. Thanks for the thoughtful words and great, positive example.
T2,
When the time comes to have discussions, you will know what needs to be addressed. What appears necessary today in possible discussions may very well fade away when that time comes. Continue to be patient.
My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family while you are waiting for the results of the MRI. I know it's a very real concern for you and your family and your focus needs to be on your son at this time. God has a way of working things out and ensuring that our focus is where it needs to be at any given time.
T2, your wife is coming along nicely and I'm glad to see that she's being very supportive and she was laughing last evening. All of this is a good sign. Continue as you have been.
Take care.
Wow. That is a lot of things going on. When do you find out the MRI results?
Keep up the good work on you and let us know what happens with the MRI.
AJ
Thank you all...
We should know the results by the end of the week. Hopefully nothing too major.
I am thankful that I learned here not to get ahead of myself (too much, lol) and how to sit quietly and be patient, because it has really helped me not spend too much time in "future possibilities" thoughts with what the results could be, allowing me to be fully present here and now for s3 and everyone/everything else. And keep the life requirements moving where they should be moving towards.
The lying, sneaking, concern for her safety and the quality of "men" who would have an affair with a M woman in crisis are my issues, and the loss of feelings for me...not the actual sex part...I am very open-minded there. And infidelity is old as humans, it's not a good thing, but it is there, always has been.
This really intrigues me. When I got married, I always thought that my H having an "affair" would end our marriage, immediately, and be totally unforgivable...that just the thought of him having sex with someone else (after I discovered an affair) would be something I could never overcome.
However, to date, my H has "only" had an EA...and THAT kind of affair has devastated me more than a physical one would have, I think. I can't really say for sure....but it is his lying that has killed me. It is his being "madly in love" with someone else that hurts so, so much. It's his lack of feelings for me...and his lack of respect for our vows that has hurt. According to both H and OW, they never even kissed....and yet, it doesn't matter. The betrayal is still so strong.
It's just interesting how our perspectives change after we go through something like this. Your insight, as always, has been helpful.
I'll be keeping your son in my thoughts...
T,
May your son be protected and loved throughout this process. Sending you and your family positive vibes.
Hey Angela - I think we all kind of go through that process during all of this. It's par for the course.
Looked at another way, we have in our mind what the boundaries are, but until we're tested, there's no way to really know what our boundaries are.
T2 - yep, seems you're getting more wise as time goes on. Might want to look into getting some hair dye soon.
AJ
What's with men?!?!? AJ is trying to corrupt you...this is the guy who still wants to buy a red Ferrari!! Sleep tight tonight with one of your eyes open for AJ.
I think W has some left-over under the sink.....
Yep, Ang. I, too, once thought a PA would be a deal-killer. Then I thought that certain behaviors withing a PA would be. I keep finding that I'm willing to give more as each of these boundaries are breached - so far!
That's about how I see it, MH. I think many of us see it the same way and experience it the same way. Otherwise we never would have come here, right? We'd just walk off into the sunset.
That said, there is an end to the boundaries. There comes a point where you are out of pavement and you'll eventually find it as you're tested.
AJ
That's about how I see it, MH. I think many of us see it the same way and experience it the same way. Otherwise we never would have come here, right? We'd just walk off into the sunset.
That said, there is an end to the boundaries. There comes a point where you are out of pavement and you'll eventually find it as you're tested.
AJ
Agree. ^^^^
And Angela, to find out H was in love with Massage Girl, wanting to move in together etc was a kick in the heart for me. But the lies were the worst, I agree, simply because I was absolutely positive his relationship wouldn't last. Delusion? Possibly lol, but whatever works....
You never know, really, as aJ said where your pavement ends.
Hi AJ,
Yes, this afternoon I called, and...
S3's MRI was normal! So just some migraine issues then...the meds should be at therapeutic levels in a week or so.
Ok, one issue down, next one, please...
And the next one was what to do about all the school he missed, the school has some flexibility and ideas in mind and is willing to work with us starting fresh in two weeks at the new semester, giving the meds time to get to therapeutic levels...
Another issue down, next...lol!
One action item at a time.
My ex-marine buddy calls me M1A1, cuz I'm like a tank, bulldoze it, run it over, or blow it up, and keep going...lol!
T2 got the first of his new enterprise storage gear at work, so I'm in nerd heaven...
I was checking in with W before work, she was in the bathroom, door closed (lol), she popped it open and said "You sound like you're getting sick" ( I am). Got a "ohhh" in that female way of feeling bad for someone. She then rounded up a bunch of Airborne and throat drops for me, shoving them in my hands almost, lol.
Then apologized for venting to me when I was working last night when I didn't feel good. That there is old W behavior.
It is interesting feeling cared about, this is new, again.
W was really nice yesterday morning, we were talking about kid stuff, and she had just gotten done with her shower thus she was talking to me wrapped in just her towel in the LR....oh my...that is new... up until then it was talking through the bathroom door.
When I went to band practice Wed. night, she was kind of excited and into it for me. She initiated asking me how band practice went...that is new. And initiated "have a nice day".
If I had received a hug I would think I was back 4 years ago...
And even tonight after work she came into the MBR to initiate updating ME on her day and stuff. First initiation in a long, long time that way and coming to the MBR.
Glad I have all these new listening skills and such.
I'm putting life together again, one piece at a time.
There seems to be an improved "air" about the house and her, some settling in, taking interest in the life in front of her, which ain't too bad.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
And thank you for asking, I appreciate it AJ...I was going to get around to posting tonight since my Friday afternoon got a little crazy at work.
Things seem to be continuing in a positive way...
W backslid and has called me "honey" twice in 3 days or so, gee, go from once a year to twice in a weekend! And "hon" has crept back into my vocab. She has started initiating check-ins, even coming into the MBR to find me.
One night she was in poor sorts, I asked if anything I could do, listen, etc. She was all bunched up and really frustrated. But couldn't talk, saying "honey, you know when I am like this I can't talk" I just said okay, and went downstairs to read.
She called home next day to check up, saying she was anxious all morning to call and talk to me and explain. She did. She said she felt bad because she knows what it's like to see someone in turmoil and want to help, but that she was just in "that" place, and that I know when she is like that she can't talk. I said "I know, I just forgot". I told her I realized at the time what was up and accepted her and her mood and let it go. I was fine.
Later she "actually" came into the man-cave, twice, started to sit on the couch (far end) but changed to the chair and talked to me about S3 stuff. And she kept coming down to where s3 and his friend were, and acknowledging me over in the man-cave.
Seems a new "comfort" and "ease" is developing.
Me? I just do what I do, go about the needful. I am thinking of some gentle changes I have wanted to make for a while, I think now is a time I can do so...just dial them in slowly. Dial back on the "Aloof" a wee bit. A wee bit more present and available. Roll form there...see what happens.
Oh, I did have first band practice...another scheduled this week. If this project flies then it will be darn close to ideal...all the players have real, professional jobs, and just want to create original music and play out every 4-6 weeks.
Still cooking, W seems to be trying to get to a place where we work together on foods, menus, budget...slowly, but getting there.
umm...yeah...guess my internal grin inched up a wee bit these days.
I am thinking of some gentle changes I have wanted to make for a while, I think now is a time I can do so...just dial them in slowly. Dial back on the "Aloof" a wee bit. A wee bit more present and available. Roll form there...see what happens.
I like that, my friend. ^^^^.
And happy to hear the rest. I will smile big for you until you can catch up. Cuz that's just how I roll.
Thank you URawesome!
Sounds good T, I'm keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you.
Have you tried doing some nice things for her? Draw her a bath, give her a small gift or note out of the blue, do something special that you know she would appreciate? I'm thinking she may be receptive now, maybe even hoping that you will reach out to her this way.
You said she likes to be pursued.
Tell me more about these "gentle changes".
Thank you FY, those changes are going to be some little things.
For example, I have been going back to the office during this in the evenings after ensuring kids fed, homework done/in-progress and all that, 2-5 nights a week...I always have work to do, and usually all the boys eat up all my bandwidth at home, so working remotely is next to impossible. So I want to dial back on that and not go in as much.
I want to try some casual touches occasionally. Be "around" her space more. Initiate convos with her a bit more (not R talks, I am doing as job suggested and waiting til early spring before another "temp check").
I like your idea of a few AoS for her, I am pretty sure that is a primary LL for her.
Slowly, gently, turn up the parts of old+new T2 that haven't been able to fully be shown or expressed.
Things I would do or be in any R with anyone.
Just me moving forward to being myself fully. I hope she likes it, if not, that's okay too.
That sounds great T. Since I know you will be monitoring and adjusting as you go, I really don't think you can go wrong here. Like my W, yours does seem to be warming up.
My W appreciates and often thanks me for the things I do for her, so I continue to do them so as to show my love, and meet her needs. I figure this lessens the chance she'd look outside for this. The whole "Be the H only a fool would leave" thing.
It seems like it might be working for us. I'd say if they appreciate our AOS, we should do more. If they don't, do less, because then we look like pitiful doormats pursuing them.
My ex-marine buddy calls me M1A1, cuz I'm like a tank, bulldoze it, run it over, or blow it up, and keep going...lol!
Very glad to hear about your son and the recent changes going on. Very good to hear.
Curious though - your ex marine buddy - what'd he do? What made him an ex-marine?
AJ
I know, there is no such thing as an "ex"-marine....
He did various infantry, ending as Unit Leader.
Then Signals.
20 years and out...
T,
I'm curious to know if you are able to detect a pattern when W is more open and receptive. Are there certain situations that make her more amendable to responding in kind? Are there specific times during the day that she's more responsive? Be a solution detective here. And I'd be very interested in your report.
You know Wonka, there are some patterns....middle of the day is best, usually...non-hormonal flux days (per her even, lol) and so forth.
Usually though, I can "just tell"...24+ years together, I am pretty observational by nature, and there was and still is some other "connection" flowing through there too, whatever that is.
But these days I am so busy with new work projects, maintaining the house, cooking, cleaning, kids stuff, and band that I am not sitting around trying to figure too much out very often. Sometimes I barely have enough head space for all of my life, much less hers, atm.
It does help that she is more communicative about her current "states" (in fact, she makes an effort to do so). She told me the last few days that she is very hormonal, fragile, and processing stuff. And I thank her for letting me know and go about life with that info in mind, accepted, as is. And here I thought it was the full moon and that someone fed her crazy sauce...
And so it goes...that is what's up around here and this sitch.
Slooooooooooowly, yet the progress is there, if I look.
Had a good weekend...
Cooked up some good food, the house smelled so good, warm, "homey" when W came home from work.
W has been checking in from work and talking to me, rather than skipping right to the kids. She did tell me that she appreciated how patient and "sweet" I was the past few days with her.
I had to ask W a question. She was in the tub. She told me to come in....it was all I could do to not peek, and only because I don't want the aggravation of desire with no outlet, lol. That, and I am a gentleman first...
I have been able to be fun in the mornings, joking, punning, sending her off to work with a smile, or at least the effort. And she thanks me for trying if I am not successful.
Interesting for me that I had a big "A" trigger. An employee left the company, and doing the standard forensic on his computer, he had been "playing" while at conventions, with married women, and while his W was pregnant. Ick, just ick. So many broken people.
And that brought the past back to mind for a little bit. I need to do a bit more work on me there I think. No anger though, just some sadness and some ptsd feelings.
I think I have a little burnout going on that is generated from all of my life at the moment, just so much happening. I read everyone's updates, but I am not in a place to comment too much, seems I need to reduce forum involvement from time to time and focus on me and my own sitch and life.
And so it goes. Life is good. And getting better.
Hi T,
That, and I am a gentleman first...
Don't forget, sometimes our W's want the bad boy. You go first and let me know how it goes.
hahahaha! FY, not yet, not yet. I will know when because she'll let me know, one way or another.
I know you are right, but dang, doncha just get so antsy about it all sometimes? As you can probably tell, I don't.
I do FY, oh man, I do....in fact I might be known around some parts for my antsy...but I am who I am. Gentleman first.
Here's hoping W still likes that about me, she used to... lol!
I'm pretty sure once they work their way through this crises, they will be IMPROVED versions of themselves. All MLC'ers will be... except the few who remain ForeverStuck. Sadly, that does happen to some of 'em.
I just don't know if I can make it that long... but then again, I got no hot dates lined up so what else am I going to do?
T,
Since W has invited you to her little sauna room, it tells me that she's comfortable with appearing naked in front of you instead of sneaking behind your back and dressing in the closet. This would be a good time to dip your toe in the water and do some light physical touches like her arm, back, shoulder. Watch and observe how W reacts. Then adjust accordingly.
Nice going....I think W is slowly re-integrating herself and coming out of the MLC fog.
Interesting for me that I had a big "A" trigger. An employee left the company, and doing the standard forensic on his computer, he had been "playing" while at conventions, with married women, and while his W was pregnant. Ick, just ick. So many broken people.
We are a messed up species. I keep getting them watching TV with my wife. I am not kidding - almost every show has someone cheating on somebody - last night the character made a "have your cake and eat it, too" reference. Barf.
T2 - antsy? You? Never? LOL!
She does sound like she is thawing a bit, my friend. And I'm thinking she will still appreciate that you are a gentleman, T. We all do.
And that brought the past back to mind for a little bit. I need to do a bit more work on me there I think. No anger though, just some sadness and some ptsd feelings.
Be wary of those feelings T2. It seems to me you are starting to feel more comfortable around your W. It wouldn't be too far fetched to think you'll revisit some of those feelings as you open up toward her. I would expect that as she changes (for the better from the sound of it) you will too. It's part of the dance, right?
As for the forum, I think it's wise to unplug for a bit. Come on back in a few months and talk away. But for now, I do think you'll do better without this forum. You'll be missed, but it's a good thing
AJ
How come what? How come he'll do better without the forum for a while?
If that's the question: I believe he'll do better because he won't be feeling other people's burdens and he won't have other influences and advice in his daily head. Kind of like learning to fly, you train, study and normalize it for a long time but at some point you go out and do without "assistance".
I'm guessing that he'll do better at being him if he doesn't have somebody else to help him second-guess himself. He'll be even more real that way
Make sense? Was that the question you were asking?
AJ
AJ,
Are you suggesting that T ride his bike without the training wheels??! You are too funny!
Succinctly put, Wonka. Succinctly put.
Ha!! Training wheels...lol!
I didn't understand until Wonka brought up the training wheels. Now, I completely get it. Thanks Wonk. Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge.
Heather
AJ you are right, I'm warming a bit proportional to her warming, and actions... and letting down the guard a bit.
Not much new to update on sitch. Glacially thawing and warming. Feels like regular ol' pre-mlc SAD with her these days for the most part. Her job has been a godsend, getting her some learning in the big world.
The other day she was telling me about a work situation, and she was having big issues with co-worker, and she said, "I have to stop reacting like a spoiled little girl about things...grrr"...My Vulcan right eye-brow went up and I thought "Fascinating..."
So yeah, thus it goes...
I was telling a friend today that I feel like Lester at the end of "American Beauty" where he is happy, good and content, finally. Hope someone doesn't put a bullet in the back of my head once I finally got peace...lol!
Have a great weekend all!
I was telling a friend today that I feel like Lester at the end of "American Beauty" where he is happy, good and content, finally. Hope someone doesn't put a bullet in the back of my head once I finally got peace...lol!
I guess you know what that means...if some dude makes a pass at you, you say yes. Yes, sir!!
An update....
Saturday morning I carpet bombed W with truth darts and gave her back my ring, told her I wasn't going to bomb drop her, so here was warning that I am close to done, but I AM done with being plan B.
I woke up that morning and there it was, "almost done".
I don't know what the fall out will be, but I am okay with whatever happens.
W had to work. But she did apologize to me for all she has done before heading off to work. She said she wanted to call in and stay home and talk, but they are shorthanded...of course I understand, I said.
This was triggered Friday night when I noticed some of her most used books were boxed up. Now, she has been doing a lot of de-cluttering, sorting and donating of her "stuff" and clothes. But these books, these are used by her all the time. There had been a wondering if she was really donating all of the stuff, or was taking some of her stuff out, little by little. I had been giving her the benefit of the doubt, but that box of particular books...
Then there was a note with several current to do items, and, "find True Love".
When she called me at work, I asked about the particular box of books, since I noticed some I wanted to keep and not have donated, and that I was surprised she was donating those particular books, since she uses them so much...dead silence for maybe 2 minutes.
Then:
W--"why were you looking in the boxes"
T--"I had noticed in some other ones books I might want, so I was checking all the boxes. I am surprised you would donate those books, I mean the astro book has be a staple of yours for like 10-15 years"
W--"I am not donating those, but going to put in the garage, I am trying to sort and de-clutter......."
and then she changed the subject, then had to get off the phone.
So I brooded some on that Friday night and Saturday morning when I woke up, I was there. Time to say a few things, status-quo was not working for me. I did stop myself 3 times, re-considering, but it just felt like the right time so I said "F-it, this is stupid, I am done":
Things I touched on, in no particular order:
-There can't be any other people in our M.
-If she is searching for "True Love", then she isnt trying here. True love is inside herself and right in front of her with me and the kids.
-I asked her if she was pursuing any type of R with other men, romantic or sexual or ? Denied. And I really dont know if she is or not. -I said if she is, I am done, she can leave promptly.
-99% of men would have left or kicked her out through this. And who is still here? Any of them? No. This guy... THIS kind, integrated man.
-That I loved her, wanted her, wanted to be M to her, but I no longer need her. And I am not going to bomb drop her, that this is letting her know I am close to being done.
-This is an example of M that I dont think the kids should see any longer.
-The kids, me, and yes, her, need limbo to end and pull the damn band-aid off. We all need to move forward, with or without her.
-This is not fair to them any longer.
-I apologized for those years of drinking too much, again, and that maybe she felt abandoned, because even though I was physically there, and not mean or abusive, I wasnt mentally all there after 3-6 beers. That it was just WRONG. Hopefully she heard it this time.
-That I was grateful for her MLC, because of who I have become, and I might not have if it never happened.
-I can forgive because I understand the psychological drivers behind her behaviors, when I understand, I forgive.
-I am tired of not being able to be my true, full self in my own home, because i cannot express my feelings, or touch, or hug.
-I know and accept she couldnt help it (have MLC). That the woman I know inside her would never intentionally do all this.
-I am tired of being quasimodo with kooties, 2.5 years is a long time with no touches or hugs, much less sex.
-I am tired of being treated the way I am.
-I am not okay with this status-quo anymore.
-It's still up to her, for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After work Saturday:
W wanted to talk a wee bit, she said this is all so hard for her. I did get to say my only 2 requirementss atm...PT, touches, hugs, I dont expect s3x. And no OM pursuing. Done with the OM seeking. She can't be "here" if she is putting energy into "there".
She did start to cry, I told her I wanted to give her a hug, she said I could and just hung on, crying (and I did NOT do no patty-pat hug, lol).
She went to her girl friends house, gave me the phone number, said maybe/probably she'll spend the night and go right to work from there.
She did leave me a phone number, which she did NOT have to do since she has a mobile... Made sure I saw it.
And her ring is still on.
After work Sunday, and she did spend the night a GF's place:
W came to me in man cave and showed me pics of GF's dogs and told me what all she did there.
She talked at me a while about where she is at, that she is so overwhelmed, and feeling guilty about a lot of stuff (HER spending, etc). And not being able to forgive herself (no mention of exactly what, and I didnt pry). She is going to see IC this week to work on how to forgive herself....I just let her get it out, validating, etc.
And then she initiated a hug.
Afterwards I got awkward and flustered and mis-grabbed my water, spilling...sheesh!
Sauve-not-so-much. LOL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Journalling...
I am okay if she leaves. Seriously, my life matters too, and so do the kids' lives. I have a lot going on in life, good things, positive things. Things requiring a lot of work, for a big possible reward for me, the kids, her...if she is here. And when you are in-house with your MLC'er/WAS, there is that anchor drag. I do not want to spend much more time having to work around that drag in the 20% of my life that is still shared. The kids have told me that the sitch is stressful to them as well. I showed standing to the kids with CHD, maybe I will have to show them letting go with CHD.
If she is/was starting another cycle of the same and looking for different results, that says what? And what does say about me, if I do the same?
And there is a long, long history of her doing this, even pre-mlc, to be honest. Works on herself, tries some new miracle cure, magic potion, for a while, then gives up and starts the cycle all over again. Never resolving things, staying stuck unless distracted by something (like raising kids).
So if she is looking "out there", again, knowing that she has to look inside (and she has said she knows this), if she isn't going to do the internal work, then I need to let her go. I need to leave the R.
I said things I have held inside a long time. It's been a year since the EA/PA situation blew up on her, hoping enough of that drug is out of her system. I said my peace/piece.
My behavior from here will be the same, caring, "Aloof, yet 100% Available if sought", fun, well...just me.
There are basically 2 paths from this juncture.
And I am calm, peaceful, clear. Right as Rain.
Oh T!!!
Throwing truth darts never hurt anything. You need to say those things so be it! Sometimes we can only stuff things in for so long until we erupt. I am glad you spoke up to your W. We'll see how W acts in the next few weeks.
I am wondering if those books in the boxes were a part of W's replay behaviors? That she's starting to jettison them? What do you think?
And when you are in-house with your MLC'er/WAS, there is that anchor drag. I do not want to spend much more time having to work around that drag in the 20% of my life that is still shared. The kids have told me that the sitch is stressful to them as well. I showed standing to the kids with CHD, maybe I will have to show them letting go with CHD.
T, you are such a good man. Such a good, good man.
And, I so get what you wrote above. There was this invisible wall when my H lived here. IT was this mountain that I couldn't seem to get past in order to really take joy and live freely as the person I really am. There was an heaviness, a fog that traveled with him and filled the room, the house. You deserve some crystal clear mountain air with room to breathe and be the fabulous YOU that you've worked so hard to become.
Take it easy friend.
Heather
Hi Wonka,
Yes, a lot of those books were bought during the "spending" and "replay" phase(s), and the other stuff she is clearing out.
I can see that, completely. And that has been my benefit of the doubt stance. But the mix of that particular box and it's contents, the "find true love" on the agenda list and her drop dead silence when I asked about the box triggered me, and got me thinking about what is my reality, at this moment. And putting pieces from all of our past into a possible pattern.
T -
I have always been a big fan of yours, and your actions over the weekend confirmed why. You have handled your sitch with such patience and strength, you have been very inspirational to me. You are a class act, a great father, and the husband any woman would want. Hopefully your W realizes that before it is too late. Good for you for throwing a few darts with tips shaped by calm truths. She needed to hear that and you needed to say it.
From a T wannabe,
CB
Clap, clap, clap ( and not the kind that you can catch at a truck stop either)...
Deuce...
You know how I feel, and you are allowed to have a life too...
She HAS to lose you, before she can come back to find you...
T,
Sometimes we have to let them know just where we are in the process. So, you've told her where you stand and like Mach pointed out...she has to lose you before she can come back to find you.
Bottom line, take care of your boys and most importantly...you! The ball is in her court now and she's the one that needs to decide what and how she's going to handle things.
I'm so happy to see this update T. Good things are heading your way.
Like Wonka, I wonder if that was part of her "cleaning the decks". I wonder if she realized you would be a different person while she made these changes...I doubt it.
You are different though. And in some ways I feel for you both. I feel for her since she seems to still be searching for something she already has but can't quite internalize.
Looking back I know why I did it, but if I had to do over again? I don't think I would be as careful to hold in what I wanted to say. Maybe, but I think it was far more beneficial to all concerned to be be my honest self. It's also wise to keep silent at times, I know. But being honest is important.
Glad to see the way you handled it T. I'd like to be in that club too
AJ
T -
I have always been a big fan of yours, and your actions over the weekend confirmed why. You have handled your sitch with such patience and strength, you have been very inspirational to me. You are a class act, a great father, and the husband any woman would want. Hopefully your W realizes that before it is too late. Good for you for throwing a few darts with tips shaped by calm truths. She needed to hear that and you needed to say it.
From a T wannabe,
CB
^^^^ SO TRUE...totally agree with all this. T, you are an inspiration and example to so many. You have shown patience and CHD, always. She needed to hear these things. And, I sincerely hope she sees what she really has in you, before it's too late. Any woman would be lucky to have you. And, I know you really want her to choose you....I'll be thinking about you both...
My friend, you know how I feel about you, how much I admire you.
You said how you feel, in your wonderful T way. Honest, clear and with respect.
It was time, T. It was time.
T Squared
I have watched you from a distance.... always amazed at how well you handle things.
You are and have always done (at least IMO) a much better job than I ever did at "getting it".
FWIW, I think you could not have handled it any better.
You sound good man....although you mentioned that it was still her choice..for a while..I think you really understand that this is now all about YOU. It really is YOUR choice.
Whatever you decide - it will be the best for BOTH of you.
God Bless,
Eric
Quick note to say a huge "Thank You" to all of you. You people ROCK!
I have been busy as heck with work, band practice, um, work again.
Maybe find time tomorrow to post more. Things are interesting in a not bad way ATM.
Letting things get processed and such by W, no hurries on my side.
C'mon...T...ya know better than to leave us hanging high out there with a teaser like that! Or is this the new T movie trailer?!