HEY HI- DB land
nothin remarkable to report. i'm so impressed by takes vows talk - her sitch is so like mine in some important ways. i feel sooooooo exactly like her- even blubbered in the food store. it's the tiny things that get ya going.
i don't want to give in to the hate for h & this ow who is an x-friend. do sometimes - shove it back down.
have never been able to get crying about this (or sister's death five years ago) - maybe sooooo always in "stand & fight" mode- no time to just fall apart. when sis died my mom's brain took a big nose dive(very scary) - her stinkin life & problems have taken precedence forever it seems. (like since 1969 when dad died & mom "unraveled" a bit - then h and his quit smoking thing (and this mlc- which i didn't even see for what it was/is) same deal- always someone elses problems using up alllllllll one's juice to deal with. be strong - plod thryu.
feel like a big old horse - the ones lugging the brewery wagon - just keep movin ahead- forever....
who knows, maybe just blubbering - and getting ABLE to do it now or then is a good thing. maybe somehow i can get it out, cry & feel rotten - and it will pass by????? fingers crossed.
anyway- it's kind of new so i'm hopeful it's something positive.
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all - surprisingly so, but getting used to shoving it back down. i think we have to , to go about our lives with some pma - hope it's not all just bubbling around inside (in a bad wayt) and someday - geiser central... i honestly hope chatting here releases the pressure so i don't even get nuts or mlc or something drastic.
oh wait - okay- TRUST THE PROCESS rite? i guess if everyone out there is shoving it down and moving onward even despite it all - i can too.
it's sure an uphill thing- this "bein a man" about mlc.
i'm outta here- i am amazed every single day when i read people's threads about how similar alllllll of our sitches are - how similar our feelings, - how it can give me a bit more backbone today to know about allllll the people out there doing this same thing - and still tryin - still standing - feeling EXACTLY what i feel- surviving anyway-
okay0- i'm no wah wah baby. here for another day at least- if you guys can alllll do this, so can i...
xxo
Nero - this is just my 2 cents but I do think that the older MLCer is more complicated in many cases. I am happy for TVS' situation and her courage in having the talk, but I am clear that my xh would choose OW (either one!) over me any time.
It is a talk you only have imho, if you at least have an inkling that it might go well!
If you think about it, the older MLCer has been holding it together for longer, and very likely, it is going to take longer to resolve those issues.
We are deeply a part of who they are, but that is what they are rejecting.
It is very very tough, and some of them work through it and some don't. Your MLCer seems fond of you still which I see as positive. He says affirming things. I haven't had a kind word form my xh in over 8 years. And I do not think I was really that bad as a wife!
It is draining and not very life affirming at any age, but when you are older it can really whack the self esteem.
I don't think your sitch is hopeless at all, but I do think you need to really try and detach as much as you can. Hard, but a life saver in the end.
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all - surprisingly so, but getting used to shoving it back down. i think we have to , to go about our lives with some pma - hope it's not all just bubbling around inside (in a bad wayt) and someday - geiser central... i honestly hope chatting here releases the pressure so i don't even get nuts or mlc or something drastic.
Nero, what's going on? You ok? You don't sound ok today.
Is there someone you could meet up with today for coffee and a chat?
What about counseling. I can't remember if you seeing a counselor? Maybe that would help you get unstuck.
This is powerful stuff. Herculean stuff that impacts everything we know, believed about life. Our foundations are being rattled or shattered.
Pushing these feelings down is what got the MLC-er into this mess, and us with him.
You can do this. I know you can handle these feelings. Maybe it's time to let it gush a little. Or, a lot.
I allowed myself to really cry and blubber like a fool about a month ago and it gave me a new strength to move forward.
Maybe gather some tissues, play Barbra Streisand singing Memories and let it GOOOOOOOO.
We are all here for you. We love you Nero.
Heather
Hey Nero, I agree. I know you can do this. But you shouldnt shove it all down. I know dealing with an MLCer and all my family stuff and me and my son's health, etc., I had to let it all out from time to time. Otherwise I would have gone nuts.
Cry when you want, punch a pillow when you're angry. Whatever you decide. But let it out, then let it wash over you.
Hi Nero....
i'm soooo ffeelin what dawn is- wanna move on big time- admit i'm either "stuck" or "being a rock" - who can make that call? idk- one day seems like one thing, another , the other. still too hurt by this all.
Me too. I was actually wanting to stand for my marriage and I think that in time I could have forgiven her but......she got married and did it rather quickly. I really had no choice, but to try to move on. Her marriage made the choice for me I guess...
Tad
hey hi-
thanks fornote. i know, detachment - oh yoooo hoooo - where are youuuuuuu.....
if only i could totally feel detached and not care. best i can achieve is to keep busy which keeps me thinking about other stuff - not my life. i think if i could be TOTALLY detached - i could probably walk away and be done with it all. wouldn't you think? i mean- if i just do not care- i don't get why i'd be here still in his life.
idk- i do get off the ttrail and mixed up here about this stuff alot of the time. as usual- i keep thinking it';s one thing or anotehr. i shouldn't be standing if i can't forgive and love- yet i'm not sure. i shouldn't be leaving if i care enough to be enduring this crappola - it's hard and it's bad on the nerves & body even. just bad bad bad.
i do not know-mostly, i'd say, what the heck i'm doing here. i agree tyhat having been part of each other's lives for practically my whole adult life- has made it seem soooo "not right" to end it all. idk tho, perhaps he has just morphed into a real lying pos and rthere's no goin back that's my fear- that i'm not seeing what is there in front of me.
i mean, if i could be soo blind for sooo long- and still find myself wanting to find a reason, make an excues - a justification- BUT THERE ISN'T ONE. NOT REALLY- it's facing the truth of him that's such a drag.
i wonder really what the heck the "fond" thing is. i don't want to just be buddies. i would think i could be a great companion and life/compaion for someone. i hate to think i will just "setle" for this- a stinking tiny morsel of a life - with someone one week out of four- it's a very very poor deal- don't ya think/??
im just tired and bummed out lately. last few days - when i even think of seeing him i'm angry that i'm just an f'ing afterthought to his life. i just can'tput a good face on his behavior adn treatment of me. i know it could be tons worse, he could chuck meout the door and i'd be strugglin to make ends meet-
on the other hand- what an arrogant $hit- relegating me to this stinking bit of his life. i'm not liking it- not a darn thing to be done tho, is there?? if ya db- then all i have got going for me is to stfu- act as if, have some pma dna gal and all that goop. it's soooounsatisfying after all this time-
i just want SOMETHING BIG. - SOMETHING DEFINITIVE - SOMETHING.....I AM sooooo tired of making myself satisfied with crumbs & being second,third, fourth stinkin fidle -
oh well huh????? frustrated rantings- idk about the shoving it down stuff. one has to? don't we??? i mean- what do you call it when you'd like to scream at the top of yuour lungs at someone stupid & dense & dumping on your head - NAD THEN YOU DON'T. YOU JUST MAINTAIN YOUR COOL AND WALK AWAY OR ACT AS IF- BUT WHERE DOES IT GO? IN ANYONE-??? I'M SAYIN - we shove it away - down, whatever. mere words..... we juist don't go there. that is the "deal" with this whole stinkin mess - if we're tryin to stand or db-
soooo- just gave myself a huge hot flash- sheesh...
too much "involvement" & emotion running around in there.
i wish i could be all cold and detached and contained and so on - and really really BE IT.
i don't seem to be THERE yet. wond
Nero,
Sweet Nero, you are so worth more than crumbs and being second fiddle. Your right! But, only you can make yourself more important than him or his crises. He's not going to do it for you!
Your right also, you need more than STFU, and GAL, you need to come to terms with some things as they are "right now" and see what that looks like from a calm, steady point of view. Understand, that there is no change to count on or hope for tomorrow, this is and will continue to be a slow process.
You are so like me. This hurt cuts so deep. It's is unbelieveable to me how this has become the disappointment of my life. I'm sure worse things have happened, but this is going to take fall for everything.
Why? Because they were suppose to be the one thing, the one person we purposefully put into our lives to love us, to give love , and to be secure with. We don't chose our parents, or siblings. We do chose our mate, and damn it, that decision cannot come back to bite us in the as$.
I read this on FB today from MWD...I wanted to share it with you.
"Letting go of hurt, disappointment, unrealistic expectations is one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. Yet, one of the most important actions as well. Letting go frees you of the shackles of the past. Having realistic expectations leads to happiness rather than disappointment".
I'm right there with ya sister. But we have to move forward. It won't mean you don't love him, or want him, or hate him more or less than you already do. It's for you. I am doing, and it is a struggle, but I just keep telling Linda, today I am being awesome!
Be awesome with me Nero! ooooooxxxxxxx dm
Hi Nero. I have been thinking of you a lot. I am so sorry you are feeling so down.
You know, detaching doesnt mean you dont care. Letting go doesnt either.
It means that you accept what is. It means that you allow him to walk his journey.
But it doesnt mean that you stuff things down, my friend. It doesnt mean that you have to feel badly about yourself.
And there isnt any wrong with you saying something to him either, Nero. It may be time for you to do something different. Because this is causing you a lot of pain.
You are an amazing person. You are warm and funny and caring and loving.
And I dont want to see this make you not see that.
This is his journey. But it is yours, too.
You may want him, but, you dont need him. It is possible to have a fulfilling life, Nero.
But if you choose to continue to stand, please dont let it break you. Dont let it take away your wonderful spirit.
Find things to fill you up.
Think about doing something different, here, Nero.
Ah Nero, you're right. You are, like Dawn says, awesome. Loving, loyal, kind, giving, introspective. A wonderful life companion.
I guess that's the problem we all have in common, huh? To assume that we are the chosen, the beloved, the life companion, and that in our 60s it would just keep getting sweeter. Time for the fulfillment of all of those dreams of a lifetime. A lot of it is sex, such a killer to think of my H in the arms of that hideous grasping whore (so I try NOT to think of it
) but it's mostly the need to STFU that hurts day to day.
Don't you long for a free and loving relationship with you life companion again? The freedom to be able to say I love you, demand a cuddle, send a funny or loving text.
Maybe Bea has something here "If you think about it, the older MLCer has been holding it together for longer, and very likely, it is going to take longer to resolve those issues."
I agree, you H IS fond of you. Fondness is not enough for any of us, but it's better than the constant spew so many Standers like Bea and WhiteRose have to endure. No one makes him fly up to see you every month. He does that because he loves you Nero.
Or poir Tad here, his W quickly remarried. I say Standing is not over until they remarry, but the fact that it's over doesn't help his poor battered heart recover any faster.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I think a lot of it is apprehension over the fact that he's arriving today. Just be your normal, loving, fabulous self.
Trust the process Nero. It's all we have. You can do it! Report in when you can, and have a wonderful visit!
hey guys-
thanks for notes- it does stress me out - the anticipation is worse than the realization alot of the time.
reading an interesting book- very philosophical about happiness and what the heck it is or brings it. "'
had an interesting quote about the living in the minute thing- i do see that it's all we have. the guy ends p saying whenever he's stressed or "going down that road" he just reminds himself to back up- everything is fine this minute- nothing bad happening.
gonna work harder to remember that. i do not want to even get wrapped back up in the worry thing. it sure does suck the life out of one's day- and doesn't actually do a darn thing. we really only do have the rite now. funny that at this most precarious point in my whole life i should feel more like i just don't care - than ever before. when i should probably worry and care more- i have nothing left much for that. it's interesting to note- who woulda thunk?
anyway- h is being nice- have had a few laughs and pleasant moments that feel like old times. now, if only ow & mlc & everything else were allllllll gone. yeah rite.
no real expectations tho i find, and that's me being honest. it's okay- to feel "neutral". it's better than hostile. it's all i can muster. i'm not all warm and fuzzy about him- wish i felt "attracted". mentally i am not all "in love" with him- and do not desire him. sorry to report-
i don't think i'm gonna be a grudge holder til i die- buti do think allllll the bad bad years (feel more like a million than a few) have left a mark. i'm more needing to "hold back" with him.
jyust cannot make believe i'm allllll "ga ga in love". i think he needs to show me who he is now - really- and i'll see if i love that guy.
he sure is rite (a few years badk he said will neverbe like what we had" - sadly p- he's rite. he f'd that llllll up all by his little ole self.
idk what it can be now-a-days - or if it can be anything at all. we've got "something" tying us- but i'm not so sure anymore what - - i'm waiting to see what's going on here.
Hey Nero, I used to be a huge worrier. I mean a class A one. Worried myself round and round right into a big ole depression.
Know what I learned? Worrying has no affect on anything. Doesnt change it, doesnt make it better, doesnt do a darn thing but make you sick.
We are given this one life, this one shot. I say the best thing we can do is be present in it. Be present in the lives of those we love, those we care about. Be present in the things we love to do.
And you are right, living in the now, in this day, is really what matters. If you put all your energy into this moment, amazing things can happen.
I am not surprised that you are feeling neutral about your h. All the wear and tear he has caused was bound to unravel your feelings.
And you dont have to decide a darn thing today about it.
All you have to do today, is live it.
hey hi-
and thanks for permission to not figure out one darn ting today- i get tired of allll the strategy. i think i don't have one morsel of strategy left,
ya gotta wonder - the worrying. how in the world i spent soo much time worryin about everything in the universe. i was big wiorruer as a kid- i just felt worried. idk how the heck a kid can get to be a worryier. like as a child we can control even less than we can as an adult- and that's not too darn much. oh well huh?
just wanna throw in- i was always happy as a kid. i think i was always happy as an adult- even when i was unhappy- i'd say overall i'm a happy person.
last couple years - feeling unhappy - sure was/is icky. i wonder if it could all happen again tomorrow? i was looking at a brochure from the sr citrizen office- about depression and reading it out loud to my niece and laughing because - no kidding- about 8 of the 10 things applied to me - like, last year, in the pits of this mlc-reaction period. no serious thought ever tho of ending it all. (that's gotta be worth sompthin?)
i sure hope to never feel like that again . it's the thing of not enjoying things you enjoy- eeeek... awful. i hated feeling sooooo badly- i hope to never go there again.
i'm reading a good book at the moment - happiness - philosophy, etc... the guy is saying to "talk himself down" if something is going on and he's getting freakie - telling himself "at this moment everything is going fine and nothing bad is happening" -
it's true- i need to stop sometimes and remember that. the whole imagination & worry- sheesh...
oh well- at this moment it's a nice nice late afternoon - day was nice & warm & a pleasant surprise. garden looks tidier because we raked alot yesterday and clipping around . i should be feeling stress to be heading out of town in a few days- and leaving my mom & so on (lots of "stuff" there) and i just don't feel it. i just don't care.
lets hope that stays.
hope your day is good man- always nice to hear your "voice".
xxoo
I have adopted your policy of not worrying, and of deciding that I do not need to make any decisions Nero. And it works, it is a very freeing feeling. Thank you!
I'm sorry that 8 out of 10 things pointing to depression applied to you last year, Nero. I'm so glad that you are feeling better, and hope you never feel like that again. I think that you are a basically happy go lucky, pollyannish (I love that word) sort of person, even with this MLC going on. Our imaginations and our expectations are equally our worse enemies!
I think the trick is what we have talked about in the past, to be happy and grateful. To notice the lovely things in life and the world, and to appreciate them.
A bird, a puppy, a delicious smell. flowers. Talking to a dear friend. Lasagna. A soft wool blanket wrapped around you in front of a cozy fire reading a good book. Well, maybe not in Florida
Check in when you get back, we miss your cheeriness around here!
hey hi-
i know- grateful for absence of actual hostilities - now that is something i have in florida (at the moment any way). at this minute- peace in my land.
i have to point out that as i was identifying the pitiful sighs of depression- it was making me laugh and tell my neice - because it was sooooo wacky. who would think? not me-
anyway- i guess as long as i can laugh about this stinkin sitch (which i do all the time when talking about it- you'd think it could stay when i'm by self and get all wah wah sometimes!!??
oh well- doin my best here. letting go of the worry is quite huge in my life. i've read it and read it over the years- never took it seriously - just stopping it. i guess i've reached a critical point in life where i can't do it anymore. no extra juice for all that worrying - & respnosibility for anyone elses happiness.
i'll listen, give it thought and help if i can- worry- i can't.
*(well, i'm tryin) another addiction to kick here.
it's amazing when youactually look at what you do automatically- me, i'm an addiction festival. who the heck would i be to criticize some =one elses addiction?
john denver singing: some days are diamonds , some days are stone-
oh man- isn't that the truth.??
i hope if "the end" ever comes - i do not fold up - and manage to "man up" and get thru it on my feet. i usually think i will, of course. realistically- never done - such a huge "the end" before. we hope for grace.
other than that- if i'm weening myself off this life and this guy- i'm savouring all the good bits (just in case). who can know? it's life on the edge here- i hate it of course , but6 it does make me stop and inspect any little thing that is good that i will miss (lots of stuff).
fingers crossed tho- in general in life- i got nothin really
you're rite about the imagination tho- it's a double edged sword - don't want to get toooooo optimistic - don't want to get toooooooo damn dreary!
oh well- as usual- striving to keep even here
xxo
Hey Nero!
We are having a blizzard where I live, so Florida is sounding quite wonderful to me!
I have no doubt that you will "man up" if you need to. You already have. No one goes through this without having to show their strength.
I am still learning patience. So hard! When what I really want to know is hwo things will turn out right now. I plan things for the future. Planning is half the fun.
This not being able to plan or having to plan around Skippy does not suit me. I was so sure he'd gone for good and then the holidays come and there is an illusion of wanting to reconnect. But is it real or is it the holidays? Round and around I go.
Hang in there, nero! You'll know when decisions do need to be made. The gift of time, remember?
hey hi portia -
thanks for the note. yeah, i know, wouldn't you kill for some certainty???? just knowing what you might (really) expect from the future? even if only a week or a month.???
it feels like my entire life and world has been on hold. i can see tho, that you are living and i am too, it's just "different" becasue we can't have thisnice little life idea in our mind, like we used to.
i liked thinking i knew where i was gong and with who.
oh well- i am like you- i've been waiting for hm to walk out of my life - or throw me out of his - for soooolong i can hardly even have fear anymore. just tired -
HEY- MAYBE THAT'S BRAVERY - when you just don't have the energy to have fear??? maybe i'm like all fearless and brave now? (don't feel it so much)
i'm not quite "cowering" like before. i look back at what i felt and how it must have made me LOOK - EEEEK.
I DON'T EVEN wanna see that life and that person and that guy either. what a giant awful "show".
am feeling mor human & you sound okay too- we are getting patience, whether we can reallt tell or not. i can tell i'm more patient - a bit. alot of it i'm sure is h not actually rubbing salt in somewould or jacking me up.
i truly wonder what is in his brain- i think if i could just, like you, know for sure- i could go either way- i just need his direction and i'd be headed out.
impatience agin- oh well, maybe i'm not so patient. i am still here tho- i keep telling myself still i can always end it tomorrow-
and also i think of allll the good aspects - still outweigh the bad i think- i could be kidding myself- but hey
MY NEW MATRA:
NOTHING BAD IS HAPPING THIS MINUTE- SO I'M OKAY.
i'm getting very good at not looking back at what i can't change OR FORWARD at what i can't control...
ta da- hope your thanksgiginb was nice- xxoo
hi guys-
greetings from land of sweat. it's hot hot hot today- missed walkign cause i didn't make it out door before sun got up. oh well- tons to do as usual. won't accomplish a fraction also as usual- do not care. just don't. i've said it sooo many times- i'm actually feeelin it. pma???
am unusually sane- h being pleasant as can be (no-it doesn't stop me from being suspicious jerk) - so peace in the kingdom.
no matter what it is i wonder about- I shove thoughts away- and do not run thru allll the unanswerable junk in my mind and go nuts- just tell self all will be revealed IN THE END.
LIKE- one day will be armageddon around here- and i'll KNOW - ONE WAY OR THE OTHER WAY- EVERY fear and doubt will be put to rest or become reality-
self off hook for any answers today. it's working well for me so far . i think probably someday there will be a price to pay- today i just don't care ! ha!!!
i wore myself out in rosalinda's thread- now i have nothing to say but alive- okay & even have a bit of christmas spirit.
portia, rossalinda, ur, bea - dawn - can't think who else- everyone out there - i hope you're all having a bit of pre-christmas peace of mind. just a bit- i'm not askin for the world here.
ohmmmmm "nothing bad is happening rite this minute- i am OKAY" .............-
TA DA- THANK YOU AND DRIVE THRU PLEASE.....
xxoo
Hey Nero, hey, if its working for you, thats great.
All those things that you dont get done will be there tomorrow.
You know, sometimes what we imagine in our minds is way worse than reality. Best not to let our thoughts get the best of us.
So, it sounds like you are just living your life. Good for you, my friend.
hey hi everyone/anyone-
just sayin thanks for alllllll the support and kind words - and HOPE YOUR HOLIDAYS ARE OKAY (despite insanity of mlc) and that you manage to squeek out some pleasure - even little bits here and there.
make tht list of the positive maybe? i keep a running list in head - fallback.
sooo MERRY CHRISTMAS AND hope new year is great for us all
(hope spring eternal - huh?
i'm outta here- h just walked up overmyh shoulder - cripes-= i thought with this stupid laptop i could position myself for total privacy- didn't give in TO the urge toshut the lid and be the hjerk he has soo many times in past - geeez , jsut came back, i mean? who hasn't written notes on a paper plate???
like, is that soooo wierd?/ he's the one that ate on it- forcing me to save a crumbie plate with notes on it.
gotta go make a list of food - or the feast will never happen tomorrow.
BTW - SITTING HERE WITH A "HALO" OF TINSEL ON MY HEAD-LIKE THE CHURCH CRECHE WE USED TO MAKE AS KIDS ( I WAS ALWAYS ONE OF THE HERD OF ANGELS) - IT'S , WELL, SOMETHING. i'm thinking it's festive- but thismorning i look liker father christmas or maybe hawaiin.
xxoo
Merry Christmas! I do hope that your holiday will be festive. I like the idea of having a halo of tinsel. It should put you in a festive mood for today.
Please take care of yourself.
Nero, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, filled with laughter and happiness. You deserve nothing less, my friend.
hey hi - ur & universe.
thanks for good christmas wishes - it was a nice holiday. fun company in from out of town- people very glad to see - so woo hoo.
feeling very empty- but think it's lots better than bubbling over with emotions and so on.
hoping 2014 is a good year- 2013 sure $ucked. feeling a bit worn out by the whole situation of getting old, sick & dying. h's two people in life he cares about both died this past year. i cannot imagine or see what the effect is - no kidding. (aside from tons of inheritance). you have to wonder about people who are all "hard guy" outside. i always thought there was soooo much more inside him than that. maybe not. oh well huh???
he was pleasant and helpful over holiday- i guess that is all there is left. toooo heavy to go there- idk & idc anymore. thank you and drive thru please.
it's sure out there in my life & face (old age & death & sickness). I don't feel too bummed about "being dead" - worry a bit about "getting" dead tho. oh well rite - there does not seem to be one way to escape it. h's dad & aunt were pretty "accepting" my mom is mad & fighting it all tooth & nail.. more weight to the "live for today" m.o.
i'm feelin it - gonna try and make today as good as i can- beginning uhhhhhhh- NOW (now if i could just get off the cookies- Geez , do i ever love cookies best of all in life)
HAPPY NEW YEAR everybody - UR, as usual, thanks for note- you're sure THERE for us alllllll, as always...
xxoo((( )))
Nero,
I hear you! 2013 was so not a stellar year. I still think the Mayans may have been onto something when they predicted the end of the world at the end of 2012.
But now that we have made it through the apocalypse, here's to 2014! May our families be peaceful, healthy and did I mention peaceful?
All the best!
HEY HI AND THANKS.
i WENT AND spent new yr eve w/friend & h and even stayed over nite. i never do stuff like that- beginning 2014 out of my usual "mold".
gonna go down and eat that darn oatmeal (after two weeks of non-stop goodies) and CARRY THAT GREAT ANTIQUE CHAIR I REPAIRED AND THAT'S 5/8TH REUHPOLSTERED WITH WONDERFUL FABRIC (but stalled) OUT TO THE BACK OF THE CAR- IT'S GOIN TO A NEW HOME - ANYWHERE.
GONNA ALSO LOAD OP SOME OTHER BAGS- IDK WHAT- just my past few days of desire to de- clutter my life - IN MY MIND MOSTLY I THINK- but hey - i do have more "stuff" around than i need.
list a few ebay things- and begin new year (life?) on a sturdy & forward marching note.
major accomplishment last nite not texting h and saying we're done while i was drunk enough to want to at bedtime.
finger twitched in anticipation. it was an enjoyable evening - idk why it seems like a good tghing i didn't do it - my darn prudence in life-
oh well- still here- NEW YEAR beckons-
heeellllooooooooo out there (2014) - is anyone thereeeeee??????
xxoo
Happy New Year!
I'm so glad to come here and read that you got out and spent the evening w/your friend and H. That's wonderful. What a way to kick off the new year.
You sound like you are on the move today w/decluttering. Great! I don't think you'll be able to get rid of the chair today because places are closed...but tomorrow...look out!
May your new year be a far better one than last year!
hey hi-
thanks so much for note and good wishes. 2013 was quite a stinker - hoping for a waaay better 2014.
i know , it's sooo not like me to stay overnight anywhere. I got thinking about driving drunk & risking losing license - eeeek (i began thinking of times i drove home rather sh!tfaced and thought i'd better just staay and be done with it. woohoo
who knows, maybe i really am, little by little "changing" . (for the better & being more "socially" gung & ho a bit). I sure am very sick of being soooo profoundly rejected in life. and pretty darn sick of sitting here alone. @#$%^%$&**^$ it stinks and i worry that i'll get angry or hateful in the end. trying to not let self go there - but have quite a load of resentment.
it's so wierd since i've alwasy been happy - where the heck was my brain? ya gotta wonder.
oh well- i'm outta here-
xxoo happy new year to you too.
Hi, I don't post on your thread, but I have to say you always make me smile. Always.. I know you have S@#t to deal with, as we all do but I marvel at the thoughts that seem to just burble out.
I am amazed and grateful you choose to share your thoughts. Thank you
Hey my friend, Happy New Year.
You know, Nero, I have seen huge changes in you. You always sell yourself short.
Sometimes the changes are small and they dont seem like much, but, if you add them all together, they are.
I've said this many times, I know, but, you do have the power to change whatever you want. You just have to act on it.
I know fear holds you back. I know because I have been fearful many times in my life. Still am in some ways.
So, there is no right or wrong way to do this. If baby steps works for you, that is ok.
I do hope you put yourself out there even more. I know staying over someone's house is a big thing for you. I know because it is for me.
Please dont be thinking about death. You have a whole lot more life left to live.
YOu have so much to offer the world. Just wish you could see what we see......:)
man, I agree with all the above!! even though you say too heavy to go there. idk, idc, you give such insight to what you are dealing with... you are one of a kind!
hey hi and thanks
you made me feel good. sometimes i wonder where the heck all this stuff comes from- and then i say it so it doesn't keep growing in there and make my head explode.
sometimes i think everyone i know (just about) thinks i'm a bit of a wacko because of this darn - overactive "understanding-ness" thing i have going on.(aka doormat-ism)
(well- either understanding to the point of insanity- ooooor being nuts to even bothering to experience too much empathy all the time. my guilt & obligation are one thing- my continual feeling i should "do more" til i make myself crazy and yet- knowing I don't "do it" - i yap about it- i feel badly about it- but do i just go sign up my stinnkin life and do it all? nope....
oh well- i can make me feel nuts. i just read some little blurb in a lady's magazine saying we all expect waaay too much of self- and yet understand more readily everyone elses shortcomings- and i was thinking- bingo.
how the heck do ya conquer it? how the heck do we grow up like this- caring for younger siblings, needy parents - everyone seems more wounded and needy than self----- always...
i feel neurotic as he!l today- oh well-
good to hear from you. was just over in rosalinda's thread pondering the insanity in life, in that we can and do - both loving and hating someone - of seeing h's frailities adn also wanting to kill him for them- of understanding kind of- but not really giving a damn and being sick of his pandering to his own stupid (sorry- but true) greed which is going to kill anything we have or ever had.
etc.
oh well- sos huh??? have a wonderful day and thanks for making me feel not quite like such a huge draggola.....
thank you and drive thru please...
hey hi guys - ur & will be-
thanks for note and sayin nice stuff about me. i can think i'm swell til the cows come home- if i can't use it or people can't see it enough to make my r's happy and make me happy (tho i listen alot nd someone ends up "relieved" if not happy or saved() - what the heck good is it?
i think I am and have alwasy been "too easy" and it's (i'm) just not a challenge. i'm not making anyone work really hard to have love from me, or friendship or loyalty, etc. well- it's a challenge maybe to appreciate me - because i'm not makin anyone work "hard enough" to EARN my affection or love. and thereby make it feel VALUABLE. (I THINK HERE- ) THO, i think in life- it's an awful life if everything we have or get has to be EARNED ALL THE time- who the heck DESERVES everything they need or want or get??? who the heck should have to work really really hard to "earn" love or friendship, etc.
i've wondered before if i expect too much from people in the dedication & loyalty department. i can give it- maybe other people can't tho - can't just overlook crummo qualities in favor of the bigger piCture. Heaven knows- i'm no saint- i'm not so bad tho either? YA GOTTA WONDER WHAT THE HECK IT IS PEOPLE WANT ANYWAY??? I JUST think i do onto others kind of thing, clueless today about self...
i'm feelin rather wonky this morning- brain allover the place and washed over with sadness about the seemingly unfixable drifting away of h. MAYBE only once in 38 or so years have we gone this many days without talking- i'm dragged down by this crappola- tired.. (tho excited snow is coming and feeling cozy inside my little house.
just sad that he is so (i think) foolishly being washed away with his infatuation and need to be saving other people.
he compliments me all the time for being self-sufficient and how much he admires it- and then, what? he's off trying to save ow and several friends and create a need for himself. certainly knowing he's the most important person in my life and crucial to my happiness is SOMETHING- YET - not to him. it's pitiful really- can't strike a balance. he retired himself and took himself away fromjob - now is floating without a purpose for want of it- and what? blaming me, replacing me with needy people? idk- i canj't get it all
it's just such a stinking shame.
See my ego, it's still there. i'll go to my grave thinking i was a great life companion and someone that one could easily spend a lifetime with and should be glad to have the option.-
oh well- my pearls - those darn swine>>>!!!???
need to go think snow & pretty and cozy and let go of this tramatation junk.....
here comes susie snowflake- dressed in a snow white gown- tap tap tapping on your window pane - to tell you she's in town...
hum hum hummmm, deee dee dohh, etc.... twirl twirl- we're all in first grade spinning wildly around on the auditorium floor in the winter "show" - ^& singing like mad.
do you think any of us EVER really can see ourselves accurately? can we ever know really what we're like to the rest of the world? just wonderin....
If it's any consolation, I feel the same. Actually woke up this morning and thought, okay:
I am not unfortunate in the looks, smarts, or physical category.
I am funny, fast, know enough about a lot to converse and am willing to learn more.
I have a lot of interests
So bite me, I am an awesome life partner...and so are you
H also has the save the day syndrome. If he can be fixing someone he is happy. But then he empties himself and doesn't save anything for him. Which is what he is trying to do right now, but I get ripped off while he tries to find that balance.
I always think of the line from the OD song:
The story of my life
I give her hope
I spend her love
Until she's broke
Inside
Blech. Just to say you are not alone here. And have you ever thought of writing? I would so read your stuff
hey hi -
oh man- once i thought i'd write something - then when i sat down - i couldn't think of what in the world i had to say- about anything...
idk- how writers do it- how you direct it- SUMMON IT.
me, i'm back to rant a bit- it's pathetic i know- but at this moment i feel like my entire guts may just burst out- ka boom. so long & that's all folks.
just was in attic ratting around- trying like mad (succeeding less like mad) to pile up junk and get rid of it.
so phone in my pocket= ( i thought perhaps work will crawl out of woodwork)- and pick it up and it's h.
soooo- stupid stupid me, we get into convo- i "go there" - remain calm both of us pretty much, but it was awful. I NEEEED to touch base with this damn man and have some sort of "contact" - neeeed it. I don't say that to him- but i feel it inside- and i hate myself for knowing it- he's been such the hugest part of my life- i can't seem to let it go- not enough anyway- apparently
even tho he's nuts and cheating and sometimes i hate him for what he's doing to me- i see him as my family and a rock in my life (as well as his aunt saying i'm a rock in his)-
it's sick, and i know it - but there you have it. i cann't seem to bring myself to say so long. we got to a few places where i could have quite easily- and the words stick in my throat. he doesn't care - he prefers i stay in his life- but i'm welcome to go if the demand is her or me.
i'm soooo insulted and upset and FRUSTRATED SO MUCH I COULD SCREAM- AND THERE'S NOT ONE DARN THING IN THE UNIVESE I CAN DO TO STOP IT- CHANGE IT- MOVE IT ALONG- NOTHING. NOTHING.
EVEN IF I WON A LOTTERY TOMORROW- I CAN'T FIX THIS WITH MONEY- OH MAN- IF YOU CN'T EVEN THINK TO SELF THAT YOU COULD FIX IT "IF ONLY" - AND THERE'S NOT ONE STINKING "IF ONLY" LOOMING OUT THERE.
AUURRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH.......... I'M GOING TO GO WALK SO I DO NOT EXPLODE HERE- AND WILL COME BACK LATER. SORrY FOR RANT MAN (& WORLD-)_ I'M JUST PPFFSSSSTTTTTTT..... SIZZLING AWAY and sorry to have heard it- sorry to have succummbed to my "neeeed" - wish i could rub the bottle and have a wonderful man/companion pop into existence, can't even have a stinkin magic lantern- can't have nothin- NOTHING-
AMD yeah, it could be worse, blah blah blah- even reasonableness and list of good stuff isn't helping rite now-
no justice in life is there?//
Nero,
When you are ready to let him go, you will. Don't beat yourself up because you still think you need him to be in touch w/you. Sometimes it takes a long time to say I'm dropping the rope and moving along w/my life.
Use your anger and frustration to continue cleaning. When you are done, you'll be amazed at what you've accomplished.
Come here to vent, etc., we all have traveled the road you are on and we do understand.
Please be careful lifting and moving heavy objects.
^^ yup^^
Be very careful lifting when angry, because some of those things slip right out and smash against the walls...;)
Explain "Go there" if you would.
just write about one day how a man said ILYBINILWY to his wife and the amazing journey she went on....make her amazing. Make her you or who you are becoming
You already write
I agree with Kate, you are an amazing writer.
You know, Nero, I can say all these positive things to you, like I do.
I dont think that's what you need to hear right now. The truth is, that he isnt saying anything to you that you dont already know, that he hasnt said or made you feel in one or another, right? This isnt new information.
I understand that you arent ready to let him go. And that is making you upset with yourself. If you arent ready, you arent, Nero. And its ok.
My friend, I do not agree with what you wrote regarding the knowledge of how special you are and what good is it if you cant have this relationship.
Who you were was plenty good for him for a long time. And then all his stuff came to the surface and he broke.
That doesnt negate all the years with him. It doesnt suddenly make you less special. What it does is make it hard for him to see beyond all his crap.
Hanging on, walking away or doing nothing are all choices.When the pain of how you feel outweighs the thought of letting him go, that is when you will let go.
Please dont let this define your life. Dont let it make you feel less than or unworthy.
No one get to do that to us unless we allow it. Dont allow it.
again, man I am still constantly amazed at your introspection. really. would love to meet you!
I can't read so much, there never seems to be enough time(isn't that a song>) but I do say I think you hit the nail on the head anyway as far as my feelings go.
Should I stay or should I leave( isn't that another song?)
anyway. I know you have your mom to deal with.
My pldest sister does most for my mom. Really she is great- my sister. She and my 3 other sisters are in same town as my mom. I am the only one that is not.( moved a lot- the h's job)
but, my sibs really do a lot. I am thankful for them.
I try and get to town when I can.its either a flight or 10hr car drive.
But, what I started to say was everytime I try and spend some time on the computer my d comes looking for me!
love her. thank God for her. She is my constant.
went to C today with s20. he's having the hardest time with this. he is willing to talk. he has had to view his hero made human. its tough.
That is what I could kick h's #ss for. well and then there is the turmoil of all this rap.
thanks for sharing. d is wanting dinner...gotta go
hiya-
sorry, i forget myself and type like i talk- i can be confusing & half @ss. "go there" would be - "the r talk" or some variation. never , ever a good place for us to go. i ask & say same things- h has nothing to offer, as usual. it's sad that two people who spent sooo many years and have soo many good memories and things they've shared- can be sooo "stilted" due to his, incredible greed & stupidity (mild version). is it really mlc/.? is it just crap? idk anymore. i get the feeling he's still "attached" tome no matter what he says- i could be wrong about all this- i've been on a bad roll of misjudging my audience. it still surprises me- i think i'll never be able to totally "swallow" it all.
ooh well- that's my loose screw.
he said in same talk that his view of me in his life is "i am his "home". so, that's not bad is it? i am really. but then he manages to also say if i were to demand he get rid of ow- or me- he'd let me walk! he says same thing applies to her- what an f'er huhh? thanks so much man- i feel soooo treasured. then he says he'd prefer i stay in his life- i say i want a rock too- he says he can be a rock sort of but not my end all be all- thanks again. did i say end all be all> i don't think so. i say i'm feeling amazingly delicate about this all- all the time- like i may end up homeless any minute. he says i never have to worry about a home to live in. i guess it's "something" but what would that be? really?
i can't think what else - i wish i could remember a bit better when we cover so much territory of too delicate and touchy a subject. my brain just is toooo involved to actually store anything much. l
since i am spending quite a bit of my existence being too tired lately- we made each other exhausted . at least we didn't get to yelling- i swear - i can't "do this" anymore (so i say daily - a bunch of times)
you're cute- the only thing amazing about me is how amazingly screwed up i probably am and how amazingly convoluted my brain can get sorting thru the $hit that is my day to day life. twirl away. so, like, is neurosis the new "normal?" i have a friend whose always telling me that "60 is the new 40" - duhhhhhh wtf??? me, i'd rather be 40 - or normal.
i'll be careful lifting things - i'm outta here - too tired to function.
xxo
hiya-
you're rite - i was thinking as i asked him anything - that i knew what the answers would be. why i need to search for something- idk i do tho - do it.
oh well- too darn tired to feel badly tonite - thjanks as usual- ya know, nah- nevermind, im jst too tired to think tonite.
xxoo the snow islovely, isn't it?.
Nero, I cannot tell you how strongly I relate to so much of what you post. The dislocation of all that we think of as 'normal' is intense. The way you write actually conveys that sense more clearly than my prose style, but that is the way I process information. If you see what I mean?
Nero, their MLC brains are mush. The problem for many of us is that we do not fully ;believe' in MLC. I often think that either it is me that has got it all wrong. Or that our marriage fell apart and I am 'relying' on MLC as an explanation to avoid facing a more painful reality. Even though my xh has changed beyond all recognition to almost everyone who knows him . . . .
You are not crazy, but I would advise checking your legal position carefully, while your partner is still in (relatively) generous mode. This can change. My xh sometimes reminds me of the White Queen in Alice - he appears to be able to believe in six impossible things before breakfast
They do not know what they feel (I believe) or they bury it. It is a mess. Wish I could say something more comforting. But you are great, and your h is mad to be risking losing you.
nero, hope you got some good rest.
sleep has become such a sweet thing to me. sometimes right now, if I can I will take a nap. 15-20 minutes.I will lay down and say I do this because I can( no school, its the holidays. really though, sometimes I think I do it too much-nap a need to get busy!
I like to be busy. tiredness though seems to be a constant.
I hadn't read up to the top of your thread.
the needing to connect, to talk.
my h too hasn't changed the bill paying part yet. I know I need to be smart.
Like ur said, doing nothing right now is my choice.
Would love if that bell would go off. DING!
Here is what I need to do!
Think its nice seeing that snow...on tv.
lived 4 yrs in MD, 1 in NY,1 in CT,I had enough of snow cold for me!
I plan on cleaning today. maybe doing a little reading.
d said she is sleeping in until 7am! I got 30 min!
my h is not actually "generous" in the sense that he will make it easy or just give me his half of his house. (he's currently owner of three expensive , large properties he just inherited two in addition to his own house we've lived in for 38 or so yrs. [ all paid off oh man.....
why he wouldn't just give it to me and be done with me in his life- idk. he's the guy that never wanted to marry and kept himself free = he could have chucked me out of his life at any moment and the law is with him totally.
for whatever reason- he is not doing that. he has said he would not kick me out or make me sell up- or take it away- i will not ever have to worry bout having ahome - but he's not giving it to me and enabling me to clear the heck out of his life either.
i have no idea what his motivation is? control? greed? keeping me on a string - wtf??? could be any one of those.
i consulted lawyers long ago- i have no rights legally. we are not married- either one could demand other sell up and buy them out- i've got nothin here. it seems hard to believe- but after four or so consultations- in fla and nj = zip.
I cannot imagine what i would do other than to just cruise along and be exactly who and what i always was (and is) and he can just be surprised if i freak out and spin out of control. til the moment I AM READY to be crazy woman- i'm staying below the radar. it seems the safest and smartest thing to do. i mean - what wounded & limping wildebeast goes for a trot across the savannah in front of a bunch of hungry lions??? not this one. i'm hiding in the bushes -
The problem for many of us is that we do not fully ;believe' in MLC. I often think that either it is me that has got it all wrong. Or that our marriage fell apart and I am 'relying' on MLC as an explanation to avoid facing a more painful reality. Even though my xh has changed beyond all recognition to almost everyone who knows him . . . .
HEY YEAH- ME TOO. WIERD, ISN'T IT??? i DO have trouble really "believing" it all- tho he sure fits the description. tonite- just glad to be alive and not thinking about what i do not have. if i can remember tonite to eat the dopey sleeping pill i fished out last nite- and left on the counter (duuhhhh)
thanks for vote of confidence. i think i'd be a great partner for life too- who knows what the heck this guy thinks he wants (now). or has (ow) that is soooooo wonderful , yet he apparently doesn't want to just "sign up" to her eithr. he's a messed up dude. question is , was he always like this and i didn't appreciate the breadth & depth of his messed-up-ed-ness??? or is it new and really something like mlc &old problems surfacing? ya gotta wonder.
i'm sure it'll al be clear to us in the fullness of time- if we're not dead- or toothless (from all the grinding at nite) and hairless from all the stinkin stress- etc.
nice picture huh? oh well- me trying to be philosophical tonite. snow pretty- cold as stinking heck. wish i had someone to watch tv with- oh well rite - alive & well-ish so guess i'll take it.
have a good evening. xxo
hey hi0-
i know, the tiredness. i think, honestly, it is a bit of depression. it doesn't stop me really - i am sometimes just running around like a nut on empty. i just have to keep going- and keep busy too. if not, i think. waking up in nitetime my brain gets going down "that road" - eeeeek- the thinking and thinking and being outraged allover again.
see- if left to my own devices my poor brain is angry. In the day i don't think i'm too rabid. who knowsZ???
it's sure a tough one to live thru and with.
the $$ [- i run hot and cold on the issue. i know everyone says 'GET A PLAN. MY Plan is exercise every day and try to stay healthy, sane & save whatever $$ comes mhy way-live modestly- and whatever happens next, i'll deal with it as it unfolds. this past year- everyone sick & dying- none of it according to "plan". i am not convinced a "plan" matters in life unless you can guarantee & orchestrate every person's part in it. i cannot.
i do not pretend to have a plan. mwd in one of her books says never act on your feelings - feelings change minute to minute- depending on all sorts of things. it's so true. i like this notion quite alot. tread lightly....
i'd like to plan to get a very high paying job that i love and be financially independent. will it happen- probably not. i susp[ect people throw away my resume when they realize i have waaay too much experience to be 20 and cute as a button & cheap also. it's not pretty out there.
,
my plan would also include "buns of steel" and also a face lift, body lift, and spirit lift. oh yeah-pplease do not forget a six pack. always wanted one- begin exercising all the time- fizzle all the time too.
myh bod isn't bad - slim - could wear a bikini and not leave people blind. am not "young" tho, and it's plain for all the world to see. i do laugh alot- so any aspiring comedian would love me for a sidekick.
idk- i could die in my sleep tonite- what would/could my plan possibly be? (that is achievable for certain?)( my mom could live ten more years- she could die tonite(she's 89 ) how extensive a plan do i make. i do need to figure out some stuff & strategy about her & care. i procrastinate like mad about everything- giant flaw. on the other hand = if i did, in fact, die tonite; i'll be mighty glad i fiddled around goofing off the last day of my life rather than working hard looking up stupid old elder law crappola.
I seem to be soooo done with my "dutiful daughter" portion of the show. it's okay- i've been a giant sap for alot of my life, well, all of my life. time to give that woman a vacation from guilt. (project in the works)
my h- i still can't figure out if he's just a terrible person and i somehow never saw it- or he's a wonderful person being controllled by serious neurosis and all his past baggage come to the surface. idk-
i don't think he knows. i have a serious problem believing this ow is REALLY such a huge love of his life. if she were- how can he NOT go and sign up immediately and not toss me out of his life in favor of her? I'm askin. he sure does think she's the most important thing in his life - whatta dope. imho...... i don't actually think a miracle is going to happen- i just can't yet believe i hate him enough to want him out of my life-TOTALLY. (yet)
i'm screwed up for sure about it- don't care to nite. yay..U
IT WOULD seem dutiful daughter has hooked up with dutiful spouse and they've taken a slow boat to tahiti. mia and good riddance to them.
.
okay- free woman here , in a dark room with the lit tree & lites on front porch just outside the window- looking cute with snow & fretwork - feeling uncharacteristically & mysteriously calm.
glad to be alive with a cute little house to be in. faith? ya think? is it a good thing to just have faith - in general? i'll be cryin the blues when it all blows apart- but for now, til it does, i'm chillin i think. smart or dopey>>??????- In the end - all will be revealed.
xxoo have a great nite/day and maybe a tipple of wine & peice of candy. (sin of choice)
I am so sorry that you have no rights where you live - in other jurisdictions a long term partner does have rights (though not as many as a married one, as a rule) No consistency here.
I guess by generous I meant that he isn't spewing and trying to actively destroy you. Strange definition of generous, i agree, but you know how my xh has been.
He is a bit crazy - being nice for now, but has just sent me all the same stuff for my lawyer to make a comment on. She has already done this. I am trying to keep this sane, and it is rapidly becoming like something out of Kafka.
Ho hum. My life used to be so straightforward. It is as if a hurricane transported me to Oz.
Ho hum. My life used to be so straightforward. It is as if a hurricane transported me to Oz.
And, THEN!!, there was Hurricane in OZ!!!
hey hi- anyone that bumbles in here..
i'm just mulling over a post i just did in portia's thread. she got me thinking, well and everyone over there. commenting on trusting again and possibilities for future, wondering if we're all too screwed up to ever really trust again - (and while i'm definitely screwed up (alot)) - i still think not necessarily.
i think we'll just intuitively recognize tip offs that we've learned are bad in another person- and if we were to fall in love or begin to- it just wouldn't be with a person having them. i am pretty sure- that the "signs" were there , of the things that were bad. if we didn't have the knowledge & experience to see them, or know them for exactly what they were - now we've learned from that.
that's life, isn't it? learning when to not put your hand in the stupid fire again??? use the darn pot holder? sooo we made a bit of a mistake (maybe) for about 38 years. so we find out the hard (hard hard hard) way... so kill us-
well, let me change that. soooo it didn't kill us - ta da...
we're just people.. who ever designated us as the one perfect one that did everything right - and didn't land up in the soup?
i get "saying something out loud" in a thread- and it amazes me what pours out- which i would assume are my true feelings. (?) they are a reaction to someone's comment- coming forward when we get "chatting"... is it crappola or some honest reaction and it's good to "hear ourselves say it to someone else- " a moderating force. (or maybe, some thing i need to try and squelch ?) idk. putting it out there helps to (hopefully) qualify it..
i don't know whether to be encouraged or discouraged to find myself saying (ON THIS STINKING FREEEEEZING MORNING - WHEN MY LEGS ARE COLD??? AND IT'S ZERO OUTSIDE (and one little bit warmer inside)
(thoooo- it's waaaay more exciting and exotic - the continual changes - better i guess than FLA where you wake up every single stinkin day and know what the weather will be - hot- humid , sunny & sucking the life out of you from the same-ness. talk about too much of a good thing- it will fry your guts out and leave you with wrinkles and skin cancer- but it willlll always be THE SAME - no variety- til you croak... growing up in the north- loving the seasons (more than you'd ever think- til someone takes them AWAY FOREVER ) - IT TAKES the pleasure out of summer- & how much we looked for ward to it- AND HOW wonderful a patch of sun in on the couch on a cold cold morning) you know- that old point driven home that without the bad stuff- you cease to be able to recognize the good stuff
it's just true: the proverb: "all sunshine makes a desert".
hey- do we apply that to our lives or what - here.???
anyway- kind of lost my thread. sorry for rant about fla. i even thought of it fondly other morning when it was too cold to budge out of the house- but even then, i had to admit a small part of the problem with fla is that it's never ever cold enough to make you feel "justified " in staying indoors and doing inside stuff- hunkering down- feeling all cozy & homey) having a DAY OFF. IN LIFE . every day is nice - every day there is not a reason in the world to stay in, to not run around like a jerk, to not be busy, to not feel like you have to get busy & GET WORKIN (even in house) and get out and get going...
somehow up here- in winter- with garden all asleep and tucked under the snow- it's like a message from God (even) to just chill out- even one day- be covered up and closed in- embrace it- do i sound nutty- i just think it. who can keep going and going and going til you drop (or start stealing packets of sugar and small things from the super market) (and florida turns you into a negative - OLD OLD BLUE HAIR FLORIDA RESIDENT. ) NOT everyone - but it turns alot of old people very hostile down there. one old woman told me it's being trapped. by the time you realize - it's too expensive to go back up north. .
i want to be an old lady like one i met on a sailboat once in the islands - chubby & cute with "baked apple" cheeks and baking muffins and calling people dearie and feeling it.
imho- ( yeah- , i do have some neurosis & realize how a bit crazed out I can sound) but there is alot to be said in life for liking where you are- liking the seasons - embracing what they tell you- or thrust upon you . who can't walk around outside on a fall day when the leaves are blazing away with color- YOU ARE FORCED , absolutely forced - to see and appreciate the beauty in something totally free and in your face - put there by - what? God? idk- nature is just something to learn from - the contrast if nothing else. how the hard parts (winter- dormant, etc) may just be crucial for the good parts ( flowers- leaves, etc.)
even in the stupid old city (worked in manhatten for a few years) you'd stumble on some little weedie thing- growing in some miserable crack - and it would make you realize how tenacious nature is- everything just wants to live.
just wants to keep going. any little tiny foothold- something grows. no wonder i love my garden. down under the ground in even this terrible harsh weather- stuff is just sleepin away- waitng for spring- warmth. how the heck could it not make us (a tiny bit) take heart?
now, if only mankind doesn't totally kill it all. (oh nuts - back to that huh? man- they'll kill it allll if left to their own selfish devices). can a human being REALLY KILL US INSIDE? do we have to "permit" it- or can it happen without us?
read a good thougt other day: (something along the lines of:
"only when the last tree has been cut down,
and the last fish has been caught - will man realize
you cannot eat money"
im thinking yeah. okay- sorry for being allover the place here today. it's a strane life isn't it? hope you all have a good day-
i'm not sure what the heck i'm even trying to convey here-
i'm just sayin
xxoo
okay- since i'm kind of "journaling" for want of a better name-
it's just occurred in life tht h needs me to "be in his corner" about something- which, really, merely involves me being honest.
that is all- no my side- his side- objectively what is the truth.
it just so happens that of everyone on earth- i happen to know what the truth really is...
it's got me thinking about honesty and integrity and 'doing what is right" regrdless of whether or not you even have an opinion or judgement of the person who is the recipient- the person who would "gain" from your honest. we all have to make Honesty prevail in life -
can ya really withhold it??? if your honesty is helping - if it is "the right thing" and it benefits someone you'd like to back over with the car?
can you not do it? in good conscience - NO. CAN YOU JUST ignore it- when it's the "right thing" - no
i'm wondering if this whole thing- dbing - "standing" , so on.
maybe it's just your gut's own HONEST REACTION.
CAN you ignore it or deny it? (even if h benefits from your unwilling ness to just jump up and end it all and run right away) NOOOO
CAN you do anythhing other than what your gut is telling you is "the right thing? no
soooo- i'm thinking, at the end of the day, alll this dbing, waiting, agonizing, wonderinf if we're nuts and casting our pearls before swine, etc.=
it's allll got nothing to do with h and everything to do with us and our "honesty" and our being honest with self & world about what is rite for us- according to our conscience
not helping when you can and see it - is just as bad as saying no when asked to.
a person just "has to". i think. that's about it. nothing too revolutionary. it sounded "bigger" in my brain.
i may wonder if h is worth it- worthy of love - was ever the wonderful prson I THOUGHT - OR JUST a rat and i was blind, etc.
blah blah blah- on and on forever.
it's really just about me. being honest in life, to self, to worldk etc.
if it means you're a fool or a jerk- idk, idc-
does it matter? it's all about being it- honest.
if we were not honest- we'd be - - - them. no better than a person lying-
did any of that make anysense to anyone but me?
so, it's an integrity, do the rite thing, kind of thing. not really even a decision on our part - to stand or hold off or try-
it's the message we show the world, kids, etc - we stand by our honesty.
(i look at this very damaged guy- who is i guess like his very damaged parents- and think of the legacy of every adult that knows any child and then shows the example of anything less than the best you can do , can be, less than honesty-
and then, ka bam- creation of another damaged adult someday who can't be honest, etc.
oh man..... am i reading too much into it all- or it is really true that this very small (very huge) thing- honesty- is abaout what we are about- really...
Hey Nero
I haven't actually been over to my thread to read your post yet, but I do wonder sometimes about how easily I would trust someone else.
And the answer is I could, but differently.
Like if I got the speech again, you would not see me for dust. Or I think I would be able to spot the lies and bad patterns more than I could before.
Kind of like being able to recognize someone in MLC even if no one else can see it. Had I had the knowledge that I have now when this was all beginning, I may not have been able to stop it, but I sure would not have felt sooooo very stunned. In hindsight, it only felt like BD came out of the blue, but I see now that all the signs were there. I just never knew what to look for.
I do now!
Honesty. I always try to be honest. I know I have the ability to spin a whopper if I can, but I much prefer to be honest. For me though, there is living honestly and there is always being honest. The first is living true to our internal values and moral compass. The second is telling the truth to other people. The latter causes the most problems, I think. Especially when I relate to Skippy.
I don't think he wants HONESTY. As in a real, in depth answer to the question how are you? I don't lie, but I don't tell the whole picture. And you know what? That is what I miss. He was the one person who got the whole picture, the one I trusted with the whole picture.
Obviously, he did not trust me with his whole picture. Which is why his betrayal runs so deep.
hiya-
i know, it is soo sad isn't it? that they are the ones that become soooo deeply imbedded in our hearts, lives, souls- and then, ka bam. mlc??? i do not know anymore.
i feel crazy alot and wonder if he never ever was the person i thought he was. if he was just "trying on" working man personna after school years - and then when he retired, he just took off that "jacket" and put on another. a guy i don't know & don't like (morally anyway) - just like that- pow. different person.
discarding that life and me with it- did that make sense?.
Had I had the knowledge that I have now when this was all beginning, I may not have been able to stop it, but I sure would not have felt sooooo very stunned. In hindsight, it only felt like BD came out of the blue, but I see now that all the signs were there. I just never knew what to look for.
me too- so, do you ever feel that allll those years, allll that love & commitment and a whole "lifetime" were wasted with him, on him? it's a bum outlook - but some days i do, most days i don't (i guess, or why would i be bothering here)
it's allll soooo complex and convoluted isn't it-
i'm going to go work on some junk-removal- still trying with de-cluttering my life. maybe if i can just load car and get it out of my face- it will make me feel like i accomplished soemthing in life and quit moaning.
it's that kind of day- no faith, no hope- dreary getting sick and just a miserable sack of Sh_t in general. sorry for the downer-
have a nice day- thank you and drive thru please.....
xxo f.y.i. - (my post to you was saying same thing pretty much you just said- we'd recognize the signs and know what we were seeing - when we were seeing it. i agree- there is hope on that front- if we can wade thru this miserable period of our life and get thru it "to the other side" - hey, i need to remember and begin singing spirituals. had a teacher in grammar school who made us learn quite a few. it's the "theme" there: rotten life being a slave - but get thru it and there's Milk & honey on the other side. a good thought.
i want to feel more STRENGTH today and i want to feel more HOPE - AND REALLY, all i can muster is the pitiful knowledge that it won't kill me and one of these days, weeks, months, years - it will be done & gone and all a bad memory. somehow -some way...
how, when, what? idk
xxo
okay-
more cake please - somehow positive today and even pleasant (so far)_ anyway.
been havin ups and downs. alot like loisb- i'd probably croak if i could not come here and get a bit of the "love" that is missing all of a sudden from my life. it either really is (as in nobody wants ya when you're down) or it's just my perception (have had that notion before in life- that when things are really really awful - nothing anyone says or does can "help" in any significant way- and YOU FEEL ALLLLL ALONE. NOT only ME- JUST the universal produce of feeling sooooooooooo miserable and tragic, etc.
Anyway- feeling a bit more "time and univers are all out there , rolling along, in it's own time, i'm just some little tiny bit of fluf in the whole scheme of thins- and that's okay and making me feel a bit "loser" in general today about what is going on in my life (or not) and how long it will take, when i'll arrive, etc.
it's nicer by far than feeling pressured like mad to - well, anything (like yesterday). today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.
i guess regardless of what happens alllll around us with the people in ouyr lives , jobs, etc- we are destined to proceed at our own pace in our own way.
okay- not nuts today so going with it. many plans for this one day- as usual - waaaay too many , but hey, WAIT A MINUTE
I WAS going to say "it's who i am" , but realized i keep myself soooo pressured with this crappola - no wonder i'm a mad dog sometimes.
today i'm going with the whole "undoubtedly the universe is unfolding as it should- and i'm doing what i "should" and etc., and going to have a stinkin great day just doing what ever i do- and whatever tat is, it will be fine.
no one else is worried about cuttin me a break- it's MY JOB. YAY- pray for me , anyone- tht i hold this though and keep it close.
been toooo craZY TOO LONG.
XXOO- OHMMMMMMM - sickening old me at one with the universe (for this moment anyway) - grab that fly with your chopstick grasshopper.....
click - swat-click- swoosh,etc
today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.
I really like this Nero. That's an awesome feeling...the feeling you get when you realize you are right where you are supposed to be today.
today i'm at peace with notion that we are all who we are- and fine, as such. that we all roll along doing what we do, feel, etc. at our own pace. go forward, fall down, get back up, do better, - do worse, get back up, etc.
I really like this Nero. That's an awesome feeling...the feeling you get when you realize you are right where you are supposed to be today.
Together this is perfect. Nero, you are doing very well. I give you much credit. You are not alone. Coming here has been very good for everyone. Our lives are really changing, but this time we are in control.
oooxxx dm
hey universe:
still alive and hanging in there. relatively sane and calm- and glad to be alive, etc - still have gratitude in life.
feeling like my feelings about everything and everyone in life are changed - or changing. not soo good- workin hard to remain in control and not go spinning off into space or letting loose or becoming like the things i don't like..
i absolutely hate the screaming , anger spews from my one sister. it disturbs my wa in life- it disturbes my existance (in the background of my day to day life that is)
i cannot manage to communicate with her - or want to- yet need to over my mom's care, etc. i keep telling myself i need to keep focused on the "big picture" & rise above it all. i don't know if this is just "peacenik" claptrap i've told myself alllllll my life. or if it's true. it is bad when your belief system seems questionable sometimes.
i could just be going on auto pilot here. not sure. i hung up phone once lately when she "went bonkers" screaming- it was so unfair - this notion that allllllll her problems and guilt is my doing!!!!! (really - i should have such power in life- i'd be "God".)
i didn't last time- then she hung up on me before i could speak- i was tricked by usual old "little voice" saying try to be understanding, remain calm. - click (who is the jerk here anyway?) ( uh hem - me???)
it's a thorn in my side. h was here and perfectly pleasant and good company. wtf???
he did leave tho- go back to "his life". i hate it- notion of "his life" "my life". i don't like knowing he's got secret e-mail accounts, secret phones, secret ow.
i find it just bad to know in back of my mind. this stuff is changing how i think a bit in life-because tho it may not consume me constantly like before- and may not "matter" - it's still there and demands i acknowledge it. (you know- honest with self) portion of thew show....
oh well- not so much further along any particular road here- but then, ta da, "my journey" i guess- gotta keep on shufflin....
xxoo
Hey Nero!
As long as you are shuffling forward, that is great!
From my thread, you know my views on family - they can drive you up the wall. They can drive you over the wall. I am learning how to attempt to set boundaries with my family. When I am at work, I do not take their calls. Emergencies only.
And, just like DB'ing, I call when I am ready. There has never been an emergency, they want their answers NOW. Too bad.
Maybe when I am in a better place, I will be more gracious about helping. But I am still feeling overwhelmed and underappriciated and to sacrifice myself for people who feel and act entitled to my professional time is unappealing.
I take the high road, too. And I make sure they can't reach me on it.
Of course the "situation" is still there, my friend. He hasn't moved out and he still acts like he has a right to call you wife. Not treat you like one, but call you one. That must be tough.
Skippy has disappeared again and who knows when he will come out. If he will come out. I don't have much hope for us. But as detached as I am, this situation is still something I deal with in one way or another every day.
Let's keep shuffling together - at least we'll get a few laughs out of it!
hey hi-
i'm with ya man . i'm trying to keep laughin. do okay- sometimes it is a bit "hair raising" and when no one is around to share that - then i notice even more. you're so right about keeping me around- but not acting like i am.
it's f'ing moldy. couple friends who are struggling like mad - single mom's getting f'd by ex's- i listen and then it makes me hang in here because of how much it $ucks to be $hit poor. I can still remember that- absolutely no glory in it- yuck. i can't bring myself to do it (yet)to myself. who knows tho, may seem like a good idea someday.
at this momemt my mother is having pain & (i believe) reoccurrence of whatever went on with her in august that was soooo bad (yet went home from hospital with no specific diagnosis- a bill for $155,000 - but no "answer") they just don't give a darn - drs) just figure she's 89- fix whatever it is for the moment and chuck her out the back door- it stinks to grow old in am erica man.
anyway- i'm doing my best to second guess and diagnose - my sister will take her to a dr on monday- i'm hoping no emergency room before then . it's soooo dicey- and soooo stressful. having trouble keeping myself chilled out. took a sleeping pill last nite- woke up twice thinking the phone rang. what? me on edge...
anyway- keep thinking of h saying "he has no right" to say to me that he wants me in his life or there would be a huge "hole" (??) and that when he thinks of me - he thinks "home" -
so, let me get this straight. he says he has no right to think or say anything nice-ish - yet he has the right to take away my notion of my "life", my love, my security , (try) my ego - be a stinking crab and make my life a misery (back a couple years - and for years) - and lie like a stinnkin cheatin rug - but saying something that might be "nice" - he thinks no right.????????
what in the world can be in his head??? i'm askin ya - what he has no right to was latching on to an honest old nice guy if he knew the whole time that he was a total rat who deserved another ratlike himself? i'm thinking this morning. (he's probably on way driven to go boink ow this weekend even as we speak- i'd like to fly over and drop a stinkin bomb on his head and be done with it - no backs)
i'm here "yelling" my head off - so i don't write an e-mail and say it to his stupid face. he has many fine qualities- honesty is not one of them. is there any? and was tehre ever? i will never be really sure - anymore. finding it out on the heels of 36 or so years of total commitment & love & trust - well, i'm still having a terrible time letting go of the notion of him as a decent human being and accepting half my entire life almost was spent with a liar - in a lie. i detest lies - i just don 't lie. i just hate the whole notion- reality of it. yet it's true-
oh man- oh well- time to stash that back in teh furthest corner of my brain and just get on with the day. fingers crossed about no emergency room hospital trips- i can't make the call tho- it's awful- trying to second guess and figure out this health stuff. i am no dr. - tho i play one on tv.!!
i can't quite get to the point of saying to self that i can live with him as he is - forever. could anyone ever "get used to" it?
that and other un-answerable questions today- need to go get very very busy and not think a bit longer. no good will come of it today...
xxoo thanks for note - i know- it's always there roaming around in the back of our lives - brains, somewhre.
i guess til they die or we do or somehow cease to exist in each other's lives- it will.
God, i sure hope someday i'm DONE with this all- and have moved on and over to a different life.
i dread my mother dying- tho i know it's something that will happen sooner rather than later. I've been steeling myself for years- are ya ever really "ready"? im thinking of course not. oh well-
like the death of love i guess- it just "happens to you" - no need to be ready or even think about it- it happens in it's own time and you just have to live thru it- ta da...
okay- that 's it for dreary old me- preparing self (i hope sufficiently) to remain alive and in control thru whatever comes - eeeeeekkkkkk... wait- just for today and right now- i am fine. right now- i am fine - right now- i am fine.
ooooohhhhmmmmmmmmmmm
Nero,
There is no rhyme or reason to what comes out of their mouths. It is not meant to make sense, it is babble that they spew in order to make themselves feel justified.
My H is the town mayor of crazy things to say. All we can do is finally be done listening to it, and especially remembering all the stuff they have said in the past.
Let it all go! A wise woman told me that last year!
ooxx Dawn
yeah-
i know- if only i were "wise" enough and in control enough every single minute of the day and nite to do it. let it all flow rite by me.
i'm workin on it- i swear! one of these days- i'm sure total wisdom (not to mention peace with the universe) will plop down on my cranium.
hope springs eternal, huh?
- oh no - darn - that damn optimism = can't seem to just get rid of every single shred of optimism for future, whatever.....
oh well- it's getting enough sleep last nite for a change. Thank God for sleeping pills-
this staring down the barrel of life, death, illness, oldage, is mighty "heavy" as a daily diet..
getting tht all in it's place too, well, trying.
mother theresa wannabee - me
i'm outta here- lots to do- xxoo
hiya db world:
i'm throwing this out there this morning- something i find myself "saying" in a letter and thinking in general (i'd guess).
This business of my mother being 89, crabby as heck, ill? either giong to live to be 115 or who knows, may die tomorrow, my h either going to be here in my life til i croak- or gone tomorrow-etc.
I FIND myself saying that i feel "honor bound" to see it thru. it's this (maybe nutty) outlook i seem to have roaming around in my brain somewhere - that pops out and surprises me.
i THINK i'm here with h , in this life that "used to be" so great- was ratty for bunch of years with me not really "seeing" what was going on, & being understanding - to now, he's pleasant and companionable when we are together- which is not most of the time - wtf???
same deal with my mother- she's mostly awful most of the time. I'd buy into the whole "it's her age, memory & health" thing- EXCEPT it's been like this for 20 years. since i came back up to nj and began spending time back in her life. she is an unhappy woman (i guess) who has spent her last 20 or so years ranting and railing against the unfairnesses of her life- she's mad, always, she's jealous to think i have "had it easy" because "i have h" and "what do i know?" . resentful that she thinks i haven't suffered enough- not like her!! (no one hs) BUT has no pity or empathy for my two sisters that ended up divorced and with kids to support- no matter what -IT';S ALWAYS DIFFERENT.
SHE IS AN angry woman- . She was a good mom, i had happy memories until i came back up here. HUGE MISTAKE APPARENTLY- who woulda knew.?? oh yeah- all the people and common wisdom tha says "you can never go home" - well oops - true enough.
BUT IT'S seeming to be a "theme " with me. this business of "seeing it thru" and "honor bound".
so i'm askin ya all- am i nuts or what? to be here dbing and not chucking this life with h - not chucking h - because we had soooo many wonderful years - (during which he may or may not have been cheating and i never knew- that is a big problem) - i feel like i've got to give it all every possible chance til i run away screaming or die,. (wewllk or he does) question is why??????.
same deal with my mother. i know you're all scratching your heads- saying what the heck is new here??? nothin - will you ever get out of this loop of "explaining" "apologizing" etc. about your stupid life and your stupid R's and get on with something????
i can't get to teh feeling that it is that "easy" - to walk away from anything. to walk away from these two toxic r's that i seem locekdd into at the moment.
true h being around paying bills enables me to "do my duty" toward this 89 year old , memory deficient , woman who does, occasionally thank me for coming over. (and have apleasant life of course) she's not a total ogre- i feel guilty as i paint her- it's accurate tho. she is pretty much a complaint/criticism machine going on full tilt most of the time.
i get it that some people (her & H?) can only SHARE THE BAD NEWS - THAT TO say or share anything good would somehow diminish them. that they are nuts and messed up in the head (sorry- my own view) but that doesn't make them pu4re evil or anything.
for better or worse (see- what i say when i'm not over-thinking it) i'm studk with them. in life- til it is "the end" . somehow- someway.
SOOOO- WTF is that anyway. am i nut and masochist - or a great guy for my loyalty in the face of adversity?? oooor - IS IT MY "kid self" seeking the security of SOMEONE - ANYONE rather than just be old me on my own.
i'm all "down" with this business of taking care of self in crunch- no body really was around when i left old h-got a apartment- and paid my way in a different state/town THAN WHERE i grew up. nobody was there first christmas all alone- no one cared- poor as pooh - I GET IT- I DID IT- I CAN REMEMBER.....(woo hoo- whatta man i can be- no glory in it-just ws what it was)
JUST cause we do stuff WE HAve to, when the chips are down- doesn't mean we have to look forward to it- or embrace it- ONE STINNKING MINUTE before we HAVE to- as in , reality crashes down around you forcing you todo what you must... like caregiving in the face of someone elses near-death health crisis- you do your best in an extreme and extremely uncomfotable- out of your depth- situation-
so- as usual- i guess here's me, neurotic old thing- "defending" myself and "explaining" myself- and doing it of my own volition- so, like, what the he!! -
i am wondering if i ever will feel like i don't need to explain one darn thing to any darn old anyone.
WELL- THAT BEING SAID- heren i am, and if i had to say, i'm explaining to myself what the heck i'm doing and thinking- like i don't know - like i am not soooo abso-f'ing-lutely SURE of what i'm doing, where i'm heading, etc.
idk universe. i am looking out the window- just stood up and an hour ago the world was old regular black street, etc. - ugly old winter and THIS MINUTE- I TURN AROUND A KABAM- IT'S WONDERFUL AND MAGICAL OUTSIDE- SNOW AN INCH OR SO DEEP- BEAUTIFUL - SUCKING ME OUT THE DOOR TO GO WALK WHILE IT'S FALLING AND BEFORE IT GETS UGGED UP BY CARS!! W HO CANNOT NOT BE IMPRESSED.
I KEEP having this feeling that - neu4rosis aside- stupidity aside (get those bad possibilities out of the way) loyalty aside- insanity & devotion to (possibly) total loser relationships that were great and went serioyusly down the tube (of course- due to unworthy recipient of my affections - rather than my own issues) (natch!!) - ta da, still find myself feeling o kay with me and sorta happy and sorta optimistic about the futurwe. tho, honestly- i can't see one minute of it.
i can't see further than a walk in this beaty- and dreading my stupid angry sister calling this morning- (she's at my mom's here in town to take her to a dr. appt) calling and somehow ambushing me into receiving another tongue-lashing.
nuts huh? that i can still recapture the notion i am pretty much "a happy person" despite my life being full , it seems, of wierd-stressful relationships WITH the main players. it's something- i'm not sure what. it's bettter thana the misery fog- i hope i'm somewhere i can stay-
i'm grateful not to feel miserable rite niow - so , like, my matra " nothing bad is happening at this minute - so everything is alright" right???
i'm not sure that all made sense- i'm just going to submit it be cause i do not even want tor e-read- and if i'm merely wacky- idk.
orrr- am i such a sad little person, second child, caregiver, crowd pleaser that i ammmm need6y and need someone to say- good girl- nope, you're not a sucker and glutton for punishment- or greedy b!tch, or whatever the heck? the field is wide open isn't it? i can be wonderful or totally reprehensible- and who can see self clearly sometimes???
okay- i 'm gonna go play in the darn snow and the he!! with it all- messy attic, messy life, messy r, messy mlc, i'm going to work on this lovely old quilt top i'm "saving" and will be a pleasure to own & use- and i'm going to walk in the snow- and i'm not going to worry about anything- (at least this minute- i'm feelin excited about ths snow and how pretty the wrold is.!!
xxoo one nut cluster who fell out fo the box
hi anyone-
PLEASE IGNORE (and forgive) MY WAH WAH RANTING- i do need to never do this again. i do neeed to stfu. i need to get rid of my "expectations" of people-
that is MY PROBLEM & jacked-up outlook- i acknowledge that.
this morning- looking at what a mess yesterday turned into- i am saying i need to quit this crappola (now & going forward) (i hope) - my part in it all.
I'M just sayin- i do see it. sorry about givin into this ratty "self" that wallows & wants to "change" what is unchangeable ..(well,not my "right" to expect change of others- (or rather, expect them to be the nice children i knew &loved) they are grown up- and the child is gone. gotta plant that in my brain and accept it. i know, it;s only me i can change)
i got it... fall down 35 get up 36
you take care of your mother because you wouldn't do otherwise ie turn your back. there is something inside that chooses compassion, empathy, over selfishness . goes for the h too.
would love to be able to say right now today to my h, h so sorry but I am done with YOU. how do you like that! You had it pretty good my friend, well no more. I won't be ugly, but I am done waiting on you. have a nice life!
don't worry about the rant. we all feel it. I feel it.
Nero,
It is so OK to rant and rave. We all need an outlet and sometimes it is really nice to have a forum friend help you see things in another way.
You are a caring person, Nero. There is no shame or blame in that. I believe that kindness is an underrated quality.
You are loyal. Family and promises mean something to you. Committment means something to you.
It seems in the greater world, things like loyalty, committment and honesty and obligation have fallen out of favour and have been replaced by selfishness, make yourself happy and if there is nothing in it for you, then don't do it.
I remember helping out my mother's friend when she got herself into some trouble. At the same time my cousin asked me for my help and I said I she would have to wait a day or two. She then asked me what I was getting out of helping my mother's friend, why would I do it? Never realizing that I could very well be asking that same question of why I would help her.
You know from my thread that I struggle with family that only seems to be around when they need something from me. Try saying no! They just keep calling and calling and calling.
I wish I could figure out a happy medium Nero, for both of us. But don't ever stop posting your feelings. It helps me not to feel alone.
Hello, my friend. Never apologize for being you, Nero. Those are your thoughts, and so, they are valid. They matter. There isnt anything wrong with being honest with how you feel and what you are thinking.
There is something wonderful about being someone with compassion and loyalty and having a conscience.
I have been where you are in terms of responsibility for my mom, who wasnt very nice for a long, long time. But I looked at it like this. She was my mommy. She gave me life. She did the best she knew how. So, I did the best I could to help her and take care of her til her last days.I did speak up kindly when she got too nasty. I have no regrets about it.
Your sister, on the other hand, needs some boundaries set. She has no right to treat you that way, Nero. It is not ok. Nor do you have to take it.
You know, Nero, you are always so hard on yourself. I dont know why that is. You are who you are. And there isnt a thing wrong with that.
I suspect when things come to a point where you cannot take it anymore, you will take action.
Until such time, embrace you, my friend. Realize how special you are, how unique. Remember that you are worthy and deserved to be treated that way.
Keep looking within, though. That should never stop. And be prepared to make changes when you are ready.
I am feeling that you are closer to that than you think.
hey hi-
happy valentines day (oh cripes! did i say that???) i love th4 idea of this holiday still- even tho, honextly, it's such a huge bummer today. went to food store- i keep thinking in life tht holidays are celebrated for kids allll the time- i think it's nice and im portant- then people get old and forget about it- or "STOP PARTICIPATING".
I DON'T want to be one of them- the old old old people who stop participating and tell themselves they're all hard and cool and isolated, etc.
anyway- that being the case- i decided i would just get a small token bag of nuts (yeah- i know, how appropriate huh?) for h and let it go at that. i don't believe in just stopping being alive because it might feell ike it alot of the time- etc.
SOOO food store down here is (very nicely) chock full of gay guys all the time- today they were all buying bouquewts and balloons and so on- chatted with af ew people - everyone is alll full of the holiday. it made me blubber in the foodstore- BUT- IT ALSO MADE ME realize , again- and hopefully it will stick there right in the forefront of my myind-
that allll sortts f people have love and life with someone that appreciates them- i may have reached a giant end of the road, or plateau or wh atever this is in my life- feeling like nothin to noone- BUT FOR THE FUTURE- WHY THE HECK NOT??? I'M THINKING i'm nice as anyone else out there- all theusual crappola i say all the time- and believe.
maybe i'll run into some love of my life that will make all this go away- and become just an old memory in an old memorybox full of old cards and momentos.
i can't actually begin to plan anything in my life at this very moment- i'm not "gone" enough buti can't even think about it cause of my motehr's bad health and (i think) liklihood of dying sometime in the not too distant future. i don't want to sound hard- i can't think of another cutsie way to put it
\i talked to dr. and am banking on her hanging on for awhile yet so i will be there- i needed a littel get away- i needed to touch base with my "life" , well"my old life" - i don'ty know what i'll find.
today i'm finding that i need to probably walk right out of it one of these days and never look back.
i can't move til the whole mom thing is done and over- idk wyy6. if i am forced, naturally, i will do whatever i have to.
willingly- one giant "ordeal" at a time. i have a bad feeling lately - i kn ow what you're sayin ur- about6 being kind. i swear- i do my best. she's even pleasant now or then when we're by ourselves. she's very needy and i get that- she's not particularly nice - ig et that- i get it all.
i cannot change one tiny bit of any of it- i can be there for her when i'm up there. the 24-7 of it all- waiting- watching and watching and lsitening and listening, etc. just feelin a bit worn down- i hope4 i didn'ty make a huge mistake coming down to fl-
gut just said do it- it may be a een longer ordeal when i go back- who the heck can ever know???
i hope to always be able to face myself in the mirror. i may not do all the flashy stuff- or buy big gifts, etc. i am "constant" if nothing else.
i think i'll go have a bit of a blubber (self pity of course) you know- don't we all get one tiny dispensation for self-pity on valentines day when we're feelin a bity blue.
i'll go get the kids later if i can get my chore donw (ready for a doll sh ow tomorrow_ an that will be a huge boost of love- two little babies who want nothin more than to play, talk toyou, ahve a hug and some candy- yay.
that's the real thing- that love injectino when life is getting low and lower and likely to get even worse sooner rather than later. YAY FOR baby-love. i'll take it.
okay- that is pitiful old me here- maybe you're right ur- some days i feel like i don't want to know about this anymroe.
if ow has to be there - between us- then goh ave her and let me outta here.
i'm tired of the message i'm getting here- in general in life-
xxoo feelin better already- sorry universe for the whine- it's a hard morning - idk- i got used to av ery high level of being cared about in life- even if it was self-delusion.
it's hard goin cold turkey- hoping it won't last forever-
xxoo happy valentines day and lots of love from millions of other angles to everyone out there- i know there's more to life than our errant spouses and our broken hearts and lives - letsd hope i'm right and lets hope we all run into some kind of wonderful love from some kind of wonderful other angle- love of a creatiopn - love of a hobby or interes- a dog, cat, baby, frined., for some wonderful piece of cake- love - any kindfor anything- life? love of being alive??? love of being in our comfy bed when alot of world sleeps on the dirt floor? idk- SOMETHING- ANHYTHING- PLEASE HAND ME MY (HALF FUL) CUP PLEASE!!!. some LOVE for everybody PLEASE.
xxo deluded love-pie here - thank you and drive thru please
nero, I was thinking about you...happened upon your post to cc.
you always make me smile. what a treasure you are. what an honest dear kind soul.
Im not making it happen presently, but I want that person who can give back to me, like I give. I know I have great capacity...
Sure, it is too bad for h. h forgot, or rather, h is looking else where for the happiness that we are so fortunate to know resides within us.
val day passed, h's bday passed. The kids got him cake and cards. I think he looks so sad.
I need to get better at detaching. I am still too nice to h but it is because it is who I am.
the place my mom lives( memory unit) in assisted living. well they told our family they can no longer provided care. so my siblings have been out looking for another place for her.its ok, because we were disappointed with the place she was living anyway. eveytime the phone rings in the early AM, I think oh, no... that getting old process is no fun...but seeing my mom's decline,I think it taught my siblings and me compassion,maybe even gratitute. I am thankful for the care my siblings take.I am not capable of doing it myself- distance, and even if I lived in the same town, I don't have the same level of kindness that my sisters have.
time to get a move on this day...
all is well for today...
Hey Nero,
I don't know if it was self-delusion, but you are right, we do get used to a very high level of care. That what makes this situation so cruel. Bang - I am no longer loved as I thought!
Of course we find out the truth, sort of. Then my SO could not get away from me fast enough. And if I was in trouble now, I doubt he'd show up. (Then why can't I let go!!??)
All I can say is that I will be glad to be done. To one day take that breath and know that I am done.
You won't be in limbo forever, either. We both have lots of living to do.
hi kids -
oh mannnnn - been v. darn busy- two kids in the afternoon is wearing me out. poorlittle older girl wants to be the baby- and poor little baby wants to be bigger. there's no justice is there? everyone is always chasing their tail wanting the thing they don't have. i used to feel soooo lucky (well, still do - sort of) to be a person who was grateful for what i had- "had" being the opertive word i guess now.
anyway- think i'll get girl only and we can paint or do soemthing requiring some patience. she kills herself being wacky( i'm gussing her way of "competing") she loves her brother- but it's certainly something there-
i do get it- babies require "more" so seem to get "more" - i'm gonna tor4ture her with hugs and peeps til she begs for mercy. ta da- we got some serioyus "big girl junk to do".
ANYWAY- WILL BE WELL- OH MAN -= - THE TRYING to be better with being kinder, etc. and DETACHING. one wonders if we know them, know of them, see them, etc. - will be EVER be totally DETACHED -
ENOUGH??? I'M LOTS more not wounded than before- i'm not all CURED THO- I'M NOT ALLLL NEUTRAL THO. I'M STILL NOW AND THEN immersed in anger and resentment.
had big ole 'CHAT with my good buddie down here- she makes me laugh-it's very the4raputic and then there are the stories of her mess of a first marriage - back a million years ago- it helps- but then, in the middle of the night- i think the junk we discuss lingers on in my head and comes to life- ta da- a sleep deprived night- ensuing ratty day.
oh well- i guess it's fun to laugh and talk about it5 - get it out. i have to stop it tho- i have to either put it all behind me or get the heck out5. can't seem to do the latter yet- asusual- still working on it. the DECISION. live "like this" or run away.
can't seem to get past the total mess of a sitch with my mom- here care, etc. the sister sitch with everyone shooting out their big old opinions and "how it should be dones" , UH HEM- to me of course- since it's ALLLL MY JOB.
SO FAR- i'm here in fl- far away. have talked to mom- she's doing okay. i get panicked sometimes up there with iti n my face and in my hands alllllllll the time , every minute of every day- and it begins to take over and consume me. i know i need to detach from that too, alot, but it's one thing to know it- it's another by far to see someone in need and walk past that. i cannot seem to. duty, obligation,c aring? guilt- all of the above. i am sooooo not good at this junk-
here's me- i care- it's total. i don't or am trying not to- it's (try8ng to be) total. I am failing at that , btw, but i'm trying.
i thought i had alot of self control in life- i can see tht i can use a world more. or i have to get right away from the sources of irritation. how to capture total control - while immersed in total sh!tstorm of obligation, confusion,e tc.]
YAY- HA!! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS ALLLLL CURED AND SERENE-
NO MAAM.
portia -
(Then why can't I let go!!??)
oh man- again - do i ever feel your quandry here. why indeed. me too- i cannot abide notion oft his stinkin ow being in my life with "us" forever. which is exactly what it is/was. the stinking notion that my entire life has been a f'ing pos, lie, delusion on my part. how dare he. isn't that quaint and insane - how dare he??? i find myself thinking it.
WHAT sort of person does that to someone else- not a good one. i can find a bunch of good qualities- perhaps tho, they are merely borne of not caring? (lack of jealousy, generousity (maye only protecting his "investment" and intends to f'ing fleece3 me and get his money back? idk-
without the LOVE FILTER THERE in my head and heart - which used to be firmly in place across the board- sisters, mother, h, i am not able to get "EVEN' AGAIN. just now. ihate it- i do not approve of it- i am trying to ride it out and keep it hidden because- truly- it's counter productive and perhaps not true- tho, perhaps it is quite true. can't even figure that one out.
i am soo frustrated today. up til yesterday's "can of worms" conversation- i was doing okay. pleasant trip down=- h being pleasant to be around- the occasional actual touch - nothing major- jsut more than before. idk- i have no idea what in the world i even have in mind here-
i do not expect him to change and be a better person. i don't think i beliee anymroe this is something new or tempoerary- it hink he's alwasy been a giant selfish rat and i never ever tumbled to it. i think he and everyone in the world almost i know is total self-oriented users of jerkboats like me- SEEE, WHT A CHILDISH and rotten attitude.
it's just too many important people dead or attached in this "me against the world" feeling i get sometimes. i'm not doing anhything major because i can't even fiture ou56 what the heck is going on with me being at war with e3veryone in the world.
boy oh boy- dashed hopes, dreams, heart & favorite delusions is a tough nut to cra k.
ta da- i am still alive tho, i still am grateful to hear from you guys- i hjope you're all well and chugging along. i hope you're rite portia- that we'll get past this someday - soemtime.
i swear- some days i think i will never be albe to just walk away from this guy -
oh well- shoveing that back into the back caves of my brain and not going there. now, if i could keep that rock over the cave opening at night- i'd be in good shape.
i'll push this off til i know what the heck is going on with my mother- i know she'll never get younger or "better"- i think we have a way to go tho- in that sitch- and i guess i am stuck in it somehow til she's gone.
i am able to visit and participate and lug her to the hospi6al and do what i have to m,, in day to day life with a 89 year old anghry woman who can be nice about 1/10 of the time- and feels compelled to complain and express her anger, paranoia, criticism, etc. the rest ot he t ime=- to me particularly, but it's slow going. i feel old and it makes me dread old age and makes me feel like too much negativeism and death in my face.
death of r, death of her (one of these years, days, weeks) , death of my sister 2008 - death of h's dad & aunt last year-
it's wierd that it makes me happy and grateful to be alive and well- and also at same time makes me feel used up and ancient and worn out.
oh well- onward today - sew a doll skirt and do something fun- good luck guys-
xxoo thanks for being out there- hear car pulling up- i'm outta here- nobody looking over my s houlder ...
i am, btw, being very neutral and nice but aloof alot of the time- own activities, not needy or wanna come? ish - i am gal slowly- it may not be the one i want- but i'm workin on it.
i don't know how the heck long i can stay this course. i think h thinks this will "work for him" forever.
i will not make it6 forever- like you guys- i do deserve more and i'd like some love and affe tion please - and not from ONLY a dog. or pet. they're good - but not good enough. ya gotta wonder if we get stuff just cause we want it- or if there's a certain "allotment" one gets in life of happiness- and then gotta suck it up and be am iserable specimen (like my mom) til you die. i hope not- i'm voting on there being something we can do to help ourselves and if we don't wanna be a miserable old sock- we don't have to. now, wher4e did i leave my g"surething guide to true happiness" book - yeah - rite.
xxoo
HE HI WORLD-
STILL plugging along. ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE HECK UR WORTHY IS? I CAN'T EVEN FIND HER NAME ON THE LIST POSTING- SO AM WONDERING??? i just wanted to say hey- and hi.
I'M RATHER CRAPPOLA AT NAVIGATING HERE AND THERE AND SERACHING- I TRIED, BUT STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE IN THE HECK SHE GOT TO?
NOW THAT i'm here- I don't have much to say. just same old stuff and i bore myself really- and charge myself up and for what? i'm sure i'm boring the entire world to be honest- so for moment i'm trying to just quit it.
thanks everybody hope you're all doin okay- and hanging on and so forth-
xxo have a great day
Hi Nero,
I saw a posting from urWorthy the other day on Tad's thread. I think she must be busy with work and other things. I haven't seen anything from Rosa Linda either.
How are you doing?
Hello, my friend. I have been dealing with some stuff, but, I am ok.
You are still so hard on yourself, Nero, and act as if who you are isnt ok. And that isnt true.
You are a good person, who cares, and who has a heart. Nothing wrong with that.
The problem comes when your actions dont feel right to you. When they are not met with the kind of reactions you expect or hope for.
So, sometimes, we have to think about why we do what we do. What drives our actions?
I have learned that I do what I want or need or feel the right thing is to do, without regard to what people may say.
You be your wonderful self, Nero. Even if you sister or whoever else, disagrees. Being true to you matters.
As far as your h, we all get to where we need to be in our own time and in our own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There's just your way. And there isnt anything wrong with that.
You have come such a long way, Nero, and made big changes. I would love to see you accept who you are some. Because the rest of us see how very special you are.
heyhi-
as usual - i'm humbled by your kind response. (and flattered too) i cannot figure out what the heck it is I "want" from people, life, h, etc. (as far as reactions) or ever "wanted". ( you say what "drives" me) I'd say like the whole world, to be loved or appreciated by someone(s) - to have a "family" or a "pack" to be part of - to be honest - it's not the kind of thing i ever thought about. Also - I really would just like everyone to be happy and have a nice life.
i thought family was incredibly important. i thought i had some people who loved me for who i was and found "the good" in me. i thought my family members thought it was important too-.
i am wrong - and have been for quite a while possibly . maybe a lifetime. it is taking me a long time to get used to this notion- - possibly forever - possibly about everyone. (& most things?) and i mean the big things - the important things.
maybe at some point everything & everyone changed inlife - and i didn'& I didn't know it.
sounds drastic - i know- but it seems accurate (mostly). sooo- short version is i'm workin on it- getting used to idea- getting thru next portion of my mom's life & end of life and then i'll try and figure out who the heck i may have become that i don't see (and of course who or how i should be) - and who the heck fits into my life and wants to be there. and what is a total waste of effort and i need to just move away from.
did that make sense?
as usual- i'm trying to bite my tongue and not dive into "BEING HONEST" with anyone rite now or decide anyhthing major just now - i know what a heightened anxiety level i've got going. i do not see it miraculously disapearing til this big "undertaking" i have before me is over. the insane aftermath- with my wacky, greedy family will be anotehr freak show- but no one will be suffering. it'll just be personality clashes and selfish interests competing. nice huh?
it's very very hard to watch another human being crumble away little by little & die - and even harder to fear for their future pain & despair on their way. isn't it a shame we can't save people from their lives sometimes? i am hoping for a kinder end for my mother than my dad. fingers crossed with it all.
sorry for dreary me- i just am today- but one way or the other will proceed - rite?
so- glad to hear from you- as usual i am a storm of confusion and no real answers - but hey - alive, lucky to be so, glad to be me (whoever thisvnutvjob is) sure i'll figureit all out someday or else get a life where it can be put i a drawer somewhere and gotten past - move on -
thanks man- xxoo
I know you want everyone to be happy and have a nice life. Unfortunately, we dont have any control of all of that.
Family is important, Nero. I'm sorry. I know it is hard to realize stuff about our family. I have come to learn that people love the best way they know how, based on what they know. Sometimes they fall short. But, there isnt anything we can do about that.
I know it is hard to get our minds around it. That we were wrong in what we thought. Takes some time to get to acceptance of it all.
You have some tough times ahead of you. I wouldnt worry about figuring out all that stuff now. Plenty of time for that.
When you are ready though, you do need to figure out who you want in your life. Life is too short to have people in it that dont accept who you are.
It is sad to see how family acts during times like these.
It would be nice to be able to save people from their lives. But thats not the way it works so we just do the best we can.
You will get through it all. You have no other choice, really. Remember to take care of you during it all. And to not allow others to make you feel badly.
Thinking of you....
Hi Nero, was wondering about you. At times I feel the same. Same old story....
I had a chuckle at the fantasy island( FL vs NJ.) sad but true, I guess we laugh to keep from crying.
Wish I could make up my mind. was just reading Rosalinda. She says you know when you know...I want that clear absolute signal. I am good. studying hard . hanging in.
hey anyone-
just checking in. my mom passed away friday- funeral and burial were over yesterday. thank goodness - it'
s hard as heck
brain & heart empty at the moment. it's a wierd floatie kind of place to be. waay better than intense pain i know- whatever our r got to be- as she was dying allll my recollections sped right back to a place and time and mom that were "the good times" before old old age & anger,& pain, etc. took ovetr. it was an unfairly cruel end- cancer- HOWEVER, thank goodness for hospice and drugs - no kidding. i kept thinking that my mom took care of my dad thru his death in same circumstancesw but ALL ON HER OWN - even that one thing i guess entitled you to get a bit harder than you'd like in life.
oh well huh? oddly - my other sisters were all hooked to the bedside when she had ceased to be able to be aware at all, honestly, my gut & heart felt she was not "there" anymore. just a body trying to die - i felt sure her spirit/soul (whatever one wants to call it)had left already. sounds goopie maybe- but honestly i felt it. i wonder if it's because of feeling like no unfinished business.
So- God is kind i guess in that.
i guess since i have the luxury of being a giant "lump" i'll take it for today and hope i clean up the garden and keep busy in that way.
it was allll sad - just no good slant to put on it - oops - call from my older sister about will, house, etc- oh man- real life encrouches no matter what huh?
i'm outta here- duty calls.
xxo
Nero~
Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope your well and have lots of support around you. I'm thinking about you, please stay in touch.
Hugs,DMarie
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My prayers are with you.
Nero - so sorry for your loss, it is hard, and my heart goes out to you. Take care of you.
nero,
I'm very sorry to read that your mother passed away. Please take care of yourself.
So sorry to hear your sad news. Hope that you are taking good care of yourself.
Nero, I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. She is now pain free. Please take care of you. You know how to reach me, my friend. xoxoxo
Nero, sorry for your loss. I’m sure your Mom is in a better place now and there is no suffering anymore. Take care.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss Nero. My condolences to you and your family.
hey hi-
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU'RE KIND -
been sick as a dog (as luck would have it) so kind of out of comission. i cannot ever remember getting an actual "flu" kind of thing- fever and all. it is not pleasant being sick- kept thinking of my mom and being old and realizing that no matter how rotten you feel today- you will never feel better!!! poor thing-
eeeek- it's got to be very hard to get old graciously.
that in mind- i am (as usual) trying to keep in forefront of mind - that i need to be always mindful that any day could be the last- find the pleasure in each one ( - there's always "something" to be glad for in any day) and so on. well- just reinforcing what's become my usual m.o. i guess- still a work in progress here. some days harder than others- it's the outlook thing-
h went back to fla fri. - he really hung in there for past month or so - thru mom's final days, i was surprised. he was v good with her & hand-holding. she liked him alot and it was important to her- and i appreciated it alot too. it was good to have someone here with me at home also.
he left tho, and I just don't want to talk to him. idk what is going on with me "exactly" - i just do not have anything to share with this guy that goes back to his life and ow - i haven't picked up the phone in three or four days since he left. just don't want to make like it's okay in my life - just don't have the energy to try.
i'm thinking i should just go with my gut and stay mum. maybe when i'm feeling more my old self - i'll be all able to act as if I am my old self.
i keep wondering if now that this GIANT "JOB" i had in life is done i will somehow magically arrive at some "other place" in my life/mentality and this w hole mlc crappola with h.??? so far i just feel tired but okay that i think i did see it thru okay- she was in her own home- nothing terrible happened along the way - she's gone to meet her maker and i think was okay with it all. she & i were "okay" - all the hostility sure goes out the window when you're just sick and dyng and cruising out of life...
i don't see that any of this all would affect h- i'm talking about me - inside. do not know what is perking around in there- my brain - (if i ever stop coughing long enough to "here" anhything???).
fingers crossed huh?
(well- will & estate, etc is still my job-) but it's nothing compared to helping another person live & die (sort of thing). this is just money and stuff and really, "crappola" - my sisters are a mixed bag of greed & hostility- so far- i just don 't care. hope my detachment continues and think it will. compared to mom's death- this stuff just doesn't matter - really..."cleanup" huh?
so- just thought i'd check in- say thanks - & still here - and hope you guys are all doing okay as well- i need to go find some cough medicine & tissue- will read around when i can find a minute.
xxoo glad you're all out there-
Nero,
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. That bug is hitting many of the schools in my area and the coughing is terrible. Please take this time to get plenty of rest. You've had to deal w/a lot of stress and tension over the last couple of years, but more so in the last few months. Your body is telling you to slow down and let it rest a bit.
I wouldn't call your h while you are feeling ill. You aren't strong enough mentally, emotionally or physically right now to deal w/him and BS.
Death tends to bring out the evil in people, especially if they are family members "expecting" to get something from the estate. Don't take it personally if your family members become very greedy during the time of the reading of the will and splitting up the belongings, etc.
Please take care of yourself. For now, be greedy and do for you, for a change.
Nero,
You have my sympathies on the loss of your mother. I know losing my own was a hard thing, and some moments it still is even though 8 years have passed. I'm sending you best wishes and hugs.
PS. You definitely have enough going on between getting well and your mother's estate that you needn't throw your H in the mix! Take care of Nero!!
hi job & miz -
yeah- this darn cold. still coughing- but a bit more energy and even had some enthusiasm yesterday - yay. it's been such a long time -
i ended up picking up the phone one day- he's being pleasant and neutral. i kind of feel better after talking to him - thinking there's "someone" in my life (even someone that is not what & who i thought they were - probably ever). i sure am having a very hard time breaking the "mental habit" of h.
oh well- it's kind of just "there" in my life - like needing to really watch how much saturated fat i eat- an ongoing, naggie, little thing i have to acknowledge & "deal with" in order to have a successful (& healthy) life i guess. did that make sense?
so- he is gone for 2.5 wks - and is planning a trip when he comes back- three or four days. we have a good time when we travel- but honestly- in my mind & heart- it alllllllll doesn't "count". if he's all immersed in whatever is his deal with ow-
so - as i say that- i just don't even feel like expounding- i just don't have anything to think about it anymore. it makes me tired- & i feel empty-ish still. just in general , in life, but it's waaay better than in pain or unhappiness- soooo, here's me- floating along totally neutral....
wonder where i'll "land" - life - it's soooooo unknowable all the time and i wouldn't have wanted to know what all has transpired in the past ten or so years. (i woulde have croaked from dread if i knew what was coming) what an amazing sh!tshow my little (simple & reliable) life has been!
i am grateful today to be alive and interested in vacuuming this dustball of a house. wouldja ever think just feeling like vacuuming and tidying up would be a pleasabnt surprise? not me-
thanks for checking in- i think i'm past some big point with the dbing- don't know exactly what- can't guess, don't care-
hey- is that detachment?????
xxoo
Nero! Hi Friend :-) I'm so glad you checked in.
I'm recovering from pneumonia. I totally get the slow recovery.
I hear something different from you Nero. You sound more focused on Nero and not so focused on the pain, hurt and so forth. Sounds like detachment to me :-)
hey hi-
thanks for note- thanks for "friend" - it feels like it doesn't it? being friends - and it's very nice to think we "know" each other out there- well, it's just a happy thoutht.
i hope you're recuperating okay- i feel tired still and impatient about that (ha! like who am i to demand immediate recuperation?) i feel my age today (63) but still kind of feel young (having watched mom 89) for all these years.
perspective huh? anyway-
thanks for sayin you think i'm sounding a bit 'detached". i'll take it. i only thought it was exhaustion- maybe, just maybe, i'm gettin somewhere here.
we live in hope- rite. glad yo7u're out there today- hope your day is good and you feel better soon.
it's such a drag isn't it- coughing? *(makes me glad to be alive tho, and th ink of my mother and old old people who when they feel rotten, know they will never feel better again.... that's got to really stink huh?)
xxoo i'm gong to go accomplish someting (small that is- something small but worthwhile) and pretty...
maybe creative- maybe i'm going to just enjoy this day....
maybe watching someone die so sadly & painfully & recently really drives the point home of how much total crappola allllll this junk is in life that we suffer over. some is important - like our broken hearts - but at the same time- sooo much (this mlc mess too) -it's all such total sh!t isn't it??? it's sooo sad what people do to each other- and why...
oh well- can't fix the world or even me today- not gonna try anymore. thank you and drive thru please ...
know what i mean?
(was just reading making magic thread- what the heck is going on over there? she sure gets a ton of flack from people-
glad it's not me, i'd have to issue a little statement of - uh hem, thank you everyone and go drop dead. i'm workin on it here- ...... i never said i was perfect, just human , holy cow huh?
Hey Nero!!
So glad you checked in!! I have been away for a bit, too.
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. And worse, to witness how the vultures descend on the estate. I went through that very same thing. How shocked I was to find my uncle in the house with his daughters picking through the drawers not a day after the funeral. Seriously made me sick to my stomach. Plowing though was the only way through.
Kinda like this MLC stuff, really.
I was also glad to read that your H was at least there for you. The disappearance of my x-SO was really hard to take at a time when really, I could have used another friend. Just that, a friend. Instead, he bolted. The "mental habit" is really hard to break. Even after all this time when something happens, I think first of xSO.
Take care Nero and don't be a stranger!
hey hi guys -
so glad to hear from you guys - my buddies.
portia - you know, it is sickening when people act with such total disregard for those around them. your uncle- in his self-absorption he probably didn't even know you existed - people - wtf?????
my sisters- i don't think they can imagine for one moment what their words or acts mean to someone else.
i may have ranted like a nutball about my mom- but she was a HUGE part of my life as well. *(what else WOULD make ya rant like a nutball- i'm just sayin).
that it's not a GIANT EMPTY HOLE in amyone's life but mine- i do get it. i'm not stupid. it's all just a shame tho- i couldn't save her from that tho either- her other kids. her r with them was what it was- if they only cared for a few days at the end - instead of regularly in life- how could i have changed that? i'm just sayin...
angry sis and greedy sis- wtf? i just do not care bout them or what they think now- it's allllll over anyway rite? poor old mom is gone - and once her estate is over they will never have to hear my voice or see my stupid face if they choose not to. i am not going to be pursuing anyone in this family.
i'm glad for my one sister & that r & my neices & friends. i'm lucky there.
ANYWAY- i'm just thinking what a wierd place i feel like i am- kind of floating above it all - life. can't put it better. not involved kind of- not caring - not even feeling like "participating" or giving a darn even what is going on in my own life. just existing here outside it all-
it's very unusual feeling for me. i think my whole life other peoples' happiness came first - (seemed more pressing & crucial) it just was the way i was raised maybe - or just am - and now, i kind of feel like i've given it alllllll away. nothing left inside there. between h & mom - everyone just pulling out of my life- i'm just floating along like a baloon full of nothin in particular- is it good or bad?????
will be interesting to see where i land with this all. today i can't even think it over-
just noticing how done i feel-
i guess a standard reaction to watching some one die maybe? i thought for so long she had so much longer to go- good heart & lungs - big worry was if the dementia would consume her(life) - and then, ka bam - cancer & gone. you sure never do know - do you??? (even when you THINK you have a handle on what is going on) ...
so get this- i find myself thinking sometimes - 89, too young. what planet have i been lving on???
it's a strange and unknowable old life. i miss caring alot about everyone & every thing. maybe it's good? to take a step away - idk-i don't want to be old and crusty and icky and selfish. fingers crossed for some feeling to return here- i need to get back to happy luckky girl-
wish me luck- no extra charge
xxoo
Nero - you will get back to happy - you have a big loss, and a hugely difficult situation. My mom died right before bomb drop, and dealing alone with grief is very hard.
If your sisters are too self involved to care for you, sadly I think you are better off without them.
You are a great person, and your posts, even when sad, are always good to read.
Take care.
HEY - URWORTHY- WHERE THE HECK ARE YA?
I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND YOUR THREAD OR NAME- MAYUBE I'M MISSING SOMETHING HERE-
ANYWAY- MISS YA AND WILL TRY AND FIND YOUR E-MAIL ADDR.
BEEN SICK & OUT OF COMMISSION REALLY FOR AWHILE- AFTERMATH OF ICKY YEARS I GUESS- IDK- I'M J UST GOING WITH IT.
HOPE ALL IS GOOD WITH YOU , SON & LIFE-
HEY- NOW THAT I'M HERE- WHERE THE HECK IS LINDA ALSO? I THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIND OLD THREADS - OR HAVE YOU BOTH DISAPPEARED ENTIRELY? ANY IDEA.
LOST IN SPACE
XXOO
(())
just checkin in.
kept mighty busy today- blue mood so what else could a person do? slept terrible last nite despite sleeping pill- think i'll go find some melatonin-
oh pooh- doorbell
hey anyone out there-
just checkin in. I have a notion i am waaay more "detached" than ever before. (i'm not over it and movin on tho) i'm still pretty much on the fence - as usual- but i'm not miserable and in pain . (i do get angry sometimes) the last three or five years have been soooo bad. i'd say last two years have been teh worst of my life. throw into the mix his dad & aunt and my mom all sick and dying- and it's been really something. maybe i've just run out of steam and caring.
i'm feeling pretty darn oddly about it all. H came up to nj- did some fixits atround house and yard, was perfectly pleasant - we went on a drive for about five days , just looking around VA and PA - very pretty countryside. It was nice.
So , then he leaves other day. i'm pretty contented and working like mad arund the house. inspired to dive into cleaning workroom from hell -
I find myself thinking about weekend coming up. i have a couple little plans and options i guess. h will probably be going to visit his ow - or she'll come to town & see him. I don't like it. i'm not bleeding like i used to - i'm not so mad my hand shake (anymore) - but i'm not totally neutral about it. i don't like it. that's all. i don't like thinking it (bad me, bad bad for allowing brain to go there). but it does, doesn't it? ya spend a lifetime with someone- and you wonder all the time what they're doing, etc. old habits die hard don't they?
it's been soooo many years- sharing a life- my mind roams over to what's up with him. i cannot see how this will end. it's sooo crazy- soo long and soo messed up- really. it's being in quick sand and managing to stay afloat, but the firm land is always beyond reach, and no matter how long ya go, nothign ever seems to be gained or accomplished.
today i think he can do this forever - and maybe is planning to. i find myself being painfully practical. I want to yell and scream and just walk out- because i'm that tired of this boring and stupid sitch. However- then i think (ever practical) that even company part of the time is better than abso-f'ing-lutely nothing at all - allllll the time. . noooo onne..... it's nice when there's someone around to cook for & eat with and have around the house. i used to want some alone time (in olden days) - now i am sick as heck of my quiet time. too much of a good thing. (dontja hate that???)
i wish i could snap my fingers and find a new companion/love man that appreciated me and my company. I probably couldn't bring myself to get "involved" - maybe i'll be all messed up. (hoping not) but ya never know- do you?
Anyway- glad to report i'm more chilled aboutt his crappola than ever before. still sleep poorly- do not hope he's having a nice time/life - i don't pursue, or talk about r , and mostly i can side-step conflict - i do say sarcastic things now or then, i'd like to say i'm perfect. not. i am doing better follwoing the mlc rules, but wonder more and more why the heck i'm even trying.
can't see the future. would like to tho. if i don't talk about "it" - i feel more even and don't go rehashing the bad old days. idk - it's soo wierd to incorporate something like this in one's life. i'm not saying i'm good at dealing with it- ow sitch - i don't fight about it- or maybe fight it . maybe i've got some resignation - good or bad? idk
now that i'm here- i've lost the thread entirely. i guess i'll go back to work and try and make it look significanlty better i[ tjere before i quit for day.
i don 't really know what the heck i was trying to say. i began thinking i was doing alot better dbing - maybe was approaching detachment - but then, maybe i'm just biding my time and waiting to see what the heck the universe delivers. oh well-
still coughing- still miss my mom & forget sometimes she's not over tehre. sure been a wacked out and exhausting years. i think i just can't get going. i'm just tired still- i thought all the hostility & trouble would end whem my mom died. my sisters are still all aro und making me nuts - but tho they have alot of advice, etc.- theyu are remarkabley unable to do anything or help with the estate stuff. sos huh???
oh well, who knows??? maybe i'll go out and dig around in garden and someone walking by will ask about a flower- and we'll discover we are soul-mates. HA! REDUCED TO THIS- fantasy land.
tra la- thank you and ddrive thru please.
xxo world. everyone cleared out to go do facebook - wah
Hello, my friend. I am sorry. I know how tough the loss of your mother is. It is a huge void.
You know, I always told you that sometimes not making a decision, is making one. And so, you have made the best one for you at this time. Doesnt make it right or wrong, just what you need.
And I think you will continue until you need to make a different one.
I worry, though, about what it is doing to your spirit. But again, only you know what your spirit can take.
I do think you may want to do something different in your life. Change is up a bit. Just one small thing. Maybe find something that fills you up a bit.
You will know when you cant continue any longer, Nero. You will. It will happen when the fear no longer outweighs the pain.
Until then, keep remembering how special you are and remember your worth. You matter, my friend. A great deal.
hey hi ur -
you're so nice to say im special. i called yesterday and said available to work - been dragging my feet - so that should be entertaining if she calls. she did pretty much last year this time- maybe all the regulars fizzle out and ta da, call the new guy.
been tied up with estate stuff and have had an odd urge to actually do some stuff around house and yard.
i keep thinking i'm enjoying my freedom while i have it- if i ever finally get my fill and blow dodge- i plan to be very poor and working nite and day. (nice plan - huh?)
anyway- going okay i guess. garden exploded other day from rain & sun- tons to do if i can get going.
too darn many things have changed in last dcouple years- big things- i think i'm still just in aftermat of "deer in headlights" mode- til every single shoe drops. (maybe?)
i dont' know what the heck is going on with me ( spirit wise) (i am dispirited a bit) - it's these darn giant life changes - BUT - NOT AS sad and dreary as a few years ago- so still making some sort of progress - however slow it seems... haven't walked lately- walkin buddy has lots going on and me too (neice here lately alot in evenings). it's okay - nice to have company and i'm glad to help out w/ projects, proof reading, etc. (pep talks- nag, advise)
thanks for the nice words - you're too kind. if ya need flowers- i've got a ton - and babies to share...
xxo
hi nero, been so long I couldn't remember my password to log on. I happened to check in and saw you there!
I still feel the same as you do . I just can't verbalize it the way you do. I think it was your post to Busting. i will go look again.
ive been keeping myself busy. like taking my classes, but come Oct, I will be expected to take my new certificate and get a job. I can do it of course. I will manage.I know I want someone to eventually be in my life. I want that future partner to fall from the sky...
Nero, I can relate to what you’ve been feeling about being on the fence. I am not miserable and in pain either, but I still don’t know what I want to do next about my situation. It must be a lot harder when your H is still around some, still coming to fix things, still coming to visit you. And yet, he is not showing any desire to work on your M.
I wonder when the time comes when I will feel like cannot continue any longer, like uR says. You posted on my thread that I might be one of those who are stuck. You are so right about it. But, what do we do about it? I’m out of options, except for actually filing for D.
Hi Nero I posted to you on my thread, but here is what I said:
I love the story of the teenager - Maya Van Wagenen who copied a 1950s etiquette book and stopped being bullied - niceness paid off!
Wish my xh would stop being nasty and also pay a few bills. Could he STILL be feeling guilty? And I honestly do not know how to meet men - I think there has been a war on and all the men my age have disappeared. Like you, not sure I would trust anyone again.
My mother also died in the midst of all this. A really terrible few years - Life is looking up again, most of the time, but sometimes I still get a down day. And staying up is an effort, life no longer flows like it used to. I think I had a very easy life until MLC struck.
I had a good day, and got my grass mostly cut. I have been away and the grass grows fast this time of year.
It is hard adjusting to life without your parent. Grief takes a lot of the joy out of life, and I suspect you are still grieving more than you allow yourself.
hey hi-
yeah, me too. your reply gave me a big ole mental image - - - I'm picturing you and i running out of our Iowa farm house- like auntie emm in Wizard of Oz - black sky - and we are holding the ends our our red checked aprons - (we have either braids or buns btw and lace up oxford shoes with a short heel) ) and we're running around the farm yard trying to catch (what else) our perfect man. or - a very acceptable man. who may plummet to earth any moment. are ya seeing us? chickens running 3eveyrwhere - tornado coming?
ya ever feel like you're "better" alot- but you';re j ust kind of "goin thru the motions" alot.??? i wonder alot if all of this is more my little "dream" life that is shattered - and i'm clinging to or mourning the loss of that particular rosey picture in my mnind of my "future".]
yeah, yeah, i do know what everyone says about that and that it may never come. God knows, i've watched enough people crumbling and dying before my eyes this past year or two - but hey- you do still think in terms of being alive tomorrow - donja?
oh well- nice to hear your littel voice - yay for certificate and job in fall- you are really moving on. if i could only figure out if i'm fortunate or being abused. and if getting a fulltime job really is me deciding to throw this guy out of my life for good? or not really-
getting used to life up here on the fence.
have a nice evening.
xxo
I know what you mean bright - but didja see ur's reply that even deciding not to do anything - is a decision of a sort? i liked that- made me feel like perhaps , just perhaps , i decided something for the time being. perhaps you too.
i have to say tho- that if i'm honest - the whole dbing thing is nothing more (i think sometimes) than us deciding to just wait and see - and so, stuck or whatever you want to call it- we're doing what the heck mwd says we should.
gal- wait and see - have patience - don't run away- don't kick him out- remain open to all possibilities, etc.
i'm losing patience and faith and hope and sometimes - the notion that i have any shame at all. and that i am truly some kind of door mat (and promoting it). but on the other hand- here i am- doing what i oughta - rite?
it's a contradictory kind of thing. i'm tired of hearing myself talk and think about it. i shove it to back of mind and go about my life - then i wonder if i'm selling myself and my life short. but thenm i think- when something wonderful plops down in your face - and you have to decide whether to go forward with someone new or sit and wait- THAT is gonna be the point when we man up or not. ya know what i mean. it comes back to the fact that I have nothing better to be doing - honestly
i keep+thinking of my girlfriend who was sooo nuts over her husband's on line sexting - she was seeing a psychiatrist who told her- in all honestly- she'd been divorced three times - and that she should "think long and hard before leaving her familiar guy and home if she had nothing in particular going on to run to".
it does make sense - i am a plodder - i don't do things fast or like change toom uch - sooooooooo
wtf???? glad i'm in good company. we are, after all- doing it rite? so, we're still alive and cookin despite the fact of being somewhat "stuck". oh well-
xxoo good luck - one of these days i'm hoping for total clarity (and wisdom) too- patience and then more patience-
xxoo you're doing good if ya ask me. (if we're not crazy or dead - i say it's goin good). do i ask for much????
Hey Nero. I was thinking of you today. First of all, because I dont have any flowers in my yard. Yea, that isnt right.
But also because I saw something you wrote on Bea's thread. You have amazing gifts, my friend. A wonderful, creative imagination, an incredible green thumb, etc.
I know you arent ready to do something different with your sitch. But, I am wondering if you can put your creative juices to more use. Figure out some way to channel them into something that will make you some money.
I know you have done some craft fairs and such, but, can you do more? Can you find one thing that you really love to make and make a whole bunch of them? Sell them on Etsy, maybe.
I think you need to fill your time up since all that has happened to you lately.
I would like to see you have more good feelings and to feel filled up some.
Anyway, just my and my head on overdrive. LOL!
hey hi-
come get some- i've got a ton and they're all going crazy at the moment.
i know, i would love to hone in on something i love and do it til my head fall off. been immersed in a giant collage last few days- began couple years ago but got "stuck" about gown- had idea other morning and have been working like mad. time just slips away- 7 hrs later, still gluing away. i must be world's slowest glue-er- but still ike it. workin in yard too- it's beginning to look better. lots of hard manual labor- feel less enthisiastic about THAT.
YOU'RE RIte- i do need to get DOING someting. i keep thinkinf stil i'm having a "rest" with no huge respoinsibility or obligations. i'm sure i'm not "entitled" - but since i can- i just find myself thinking i am.
one of these days, weeks, years i'm sure i'll be whammed over the head with "reality" - whateverthell that is or is going to be-
still just feel like i'm having some giant "aftermath" thing going on.
life sure is strange- ya gotta wonder about it all. workin hard on not having resentment or anger or anything toward sisters (ha ! rite)???) - anyway- still trying.
i have quite a bit of patience in life.
h is being very nice & generous. makes me wonder why bother? i honestly cannot imagine what the heck he has going on in his head. or heart . i can't figure if it would be better if we lived together allll the time- it would have either kept us together or broken us apart alot quicker i think than this arrangement. it's pretty "old" - isn't it?
oh well- one more evening rite? i can always leave tomorrow, blah blah blah
i'm tired of hearing myself talk here or even think- try to avoid it usually - tra la. maybe i need a glass of wine tonite- if i had some pineapple juice i could make a pina colada ! remember my youth in Ft.Lauderdale when we'd go have a drink at local bar with a tiki hut roof! and were about 24 yrs old- seems like a million years ago. w/ ex husband. i sure can pick em!
call if ya get a notion for flowers- i'll dig ya up a bunch of "no fail" nj flowers that always are wonderful and never fail. (well, ya have to work pretty hard to kill them).
xxoo
my
Nero, Thank you for the post on my thread. wanted to share..
i had an aunt who did not have children. She was the absolute best aunt in the world!
we all have purpose here!
I just reread your post to me. gosh you can write man! Have you ever thought about writing a book??... an article for a magazine?? you have a talent. a way with words. You can hit that nail on the head.
we are all so jumbled and mixed up, but you know how to verbalize it.Who knows???
hey hi- anyone passing by-
just a "journal" entry here- if anyone has any comment - i'd be inerested to hear what think.
As i ssee it- this is where we stand - as short & accurate as i can be. on the wghole better than 3 yrs ago - him, me, r HOWEVER - - still not "enough" in life overall. i get it - beggars cant be choosey. i'm tired of not feeling "special" - i know- sounds soooo lame huh?
H:
1)less critical & crabbie- downright pleasant mostly. (sometimes
like same old guy from olden days)
2) no professions of love - no sex (i don't get feeling it would
be good idea to initiate- so don't)
3) was here w/me thru mom's final weeks, month - supportive &
kind, spent quite alot of time (i was surprised pleasantly)
4) is coming here after 3 wks gone- is staying here 2 wks
(prior to mom's death - came 1 wk - gone 3) (i know-
so flattering , huh?) is planning a fun trip - nice.
5) does fix-its around house & yd, offers help,
does not nag me about anything,
pays bills & supports me - it's huge (buying me?) if so,
why bother really??? he could walk out with no strings.
6) he still sees ow (in person every 2-3 wk or so ) ick-
7) does not run to the computer, cell-phone or hide screen
or flip it shut - and generally act like the giant @ss
like he used to (alll the time in beginning)
8) he is in touch with her (continually?) i'd guess.
he's less overtly and embarassingly rabid.
9) throws arm over my shoulders sometimes while walking,
goofs around-pinch-poke - does touch me (nothing overtly
suggestive) but not leper totally anymore mostly.
10) does sometimes use words like "our" house, when we_____
(refers to future- assumes i'll be here (i guess)
11) does not have computer screen on allllllll the time -
less in front of tv, online less in general overall
ME -
1) i'm not foolish enough to think it's fine - (just a bit
better
2) getting seriously tired of nothing to "look forward
to in life" (a life, a "partner" a future (with someone)
overall dispirited in general
3) still manage not to have any "R" talks - this much self-con-
trol is wearing me out.
4) don't feel old devastation- don't feel much "hope" either
5) i fall off wagon and say sarcastic comments- not often- but
when i'm ratty he just does not respond at all. does not de=
fend or explain or anything - at all...(never has really)
6) i get out pretty much, can be hard to reach sometimes,
resist urge to "talk , work sometimes, lots of interests
7) can manage to chat pleasantly- keep it lite, outter oriented
8) resent mightily being so much nothing in his life
9) feeling a bit trapped by this & him i know it's voluntary -
but i'm not this good a sport for so long-
ya know- in a phone call last week he commented about family or someone that "you know me, people have to pursue me" - got me wondering about if i should be "pursuing" him- but think on whole he pursued me in beginning- he's the one that "wants less of me in his life" (in bomb discussion 3-yrs ago) - so i let him do calling or reaching out. stick with that????
my gut says still go with mwd strategy of hanging back, no pursuing - acting as if, etc. idk- it seems like a thousand years since i could be happy and okay to just be me. natural- at ease.
with mom dying and resulting , sort of ennui i have going on- i'm second guessing everything in universe, especially self - wondering if after all this energy adn pain & time invested in this- i'm nuts too - to be here.
well- being supported is huge- so not to downplay my financial dependence (chosen by me- so yeah, i do see that) .
idk- overall it's better - overall, it's not what i'd like for my life (entirely). i'd like to think i can have a life of some sort with someone that comes home anxious to see my face, hear my voice.
i'm unhappy with being (or feeling) soooooo "marginal" to him (my feelings). he thinks he "cares a great deal" about me- i understand "love" -
don't know if i'm "rigid" - or a doormat- confused as usual.
idk-
any thoughts? anyone?
when she said whatever time it takes will seem a thousand times longer- sure is rite on the money.
i say to self being happy for 20 or 30 years might be worth a few years (5?) of unhappiness & discomfort - idk, is that crazy?
i have nothing "better" (no one) to be doing- but...
wonder if the over all better quality of life when we're together (still apart too much - due to the two house thing) is something or really, not so much. is worth seeing if it "goes" anywhere in the end or fools errand.???
???????
Wow, idk. Hmmmmmmmmm I guess the problem is that you do not know where it is going. Is this guy gradually waking up and reconnecting? Or is he perfectly happy with this state of affairs. And in that case can you be?
One of the things I miss hugely about my xh is our friendship. The long shared life is a lot to jettison. In my case I never had the choice - he was out of the door and has shown no desire to spend time with me since. In your case? To be honest I would probably go along with what is going on, as long as you are not devaluing yourself. BUT I am not sure that it is good advice.
If you were younger the advice might be different, but as we get older the value of our long term relationships arguably increases.
Would I want to have to make your choice? no I wouldn't. Even not making a decision is a decision.
If you were financially independent would that make a difference to your choices?
My friend, there's some good stuff happening with him. Is it enough? Only you can answer that.
The thing about dbing is that MWD says do what works. And what you are doing seems to be bringing him closer.
I also think its important to switch things up a bit. You can always go back to what you are doing if he doesnt seem receptive.
I think it's important to show the possibilities sometimes. Let him see how life could be if he recommitts to you, ya know?
Nothing drastic as to spook him. Just a little something different to.
As far as the future, you will know when you are done. You arent yet. And thats ok. As long as you are not losing anymore of you in the process, Nero. Because you matter.
You are still mourning. I get that. It takes as long as it does.
The thing to remember is that you are the one in control of your life, Nero. You get to decide.
hey hi-
thanks for note. it helps to hear another sane voice. i like that you say it may or may not be good advice. we all can only try - rite? i think that my self-value is okay - tho rest of world may not agree.
no kidding- i've never been soooo on the "outs" with everyone alive as i am these-a-days. maybe my usual "good sport-i[ness" is in serious remission and i've lost my "game". oh man......
who knwos?
you know, i think also that the longevity has a heck of alot to do with it all, decisions , choices and who i am - i've been "intertwangled" with this guy for so long- hard to know where i end and r&h begin - know what i mean ? i miss my friend of every day too. i've spent my whole adult life with this guy- 1/2 of an "us" - i'm good with being half of an "us". i thought he was my family. i'm not so hot in the "just me" dept. it's a bore. i'm a pack animal- i miss my pack. where the heck did it go? .
i keep deciding same as you - to just go with it & flow along & see. i honestly do not know which one it is. you put it exactly. THEN I begin to wonder if i'm deciding or just sucking up what he's doling out- then i get confused and run away. i feel it's sooo important- then i also feel exhausted by it all- and like i've spent and wasted maybe too much time and energy even thinkign about it all - or talkign about it.
i do think i'm quitting it a bit these days. i'm more and more just stfu in general because it bores even me.
i needed some validation i guess from somewhere today ....so thank you alot.
so he just called back - he's planning and researching a trip to martha's vineyard when he comes up. how the heck can you be systematically destroying someone's love for you- simultaneously with planning a nice little fun trip. it's sooo insane and crazy- it makes me feel crazy. rite?
i told him at time of bd that he should get his head x-rayed for some tumor pressing on his brain. he was nuts. i still wonder, you know???
thanks again. i went outside and dug around- chatted with care-giver next door from Ghana - yikes... i am grateful for all the good things in my life. i wish i had her implicit faith in God - that he will sort thru any problem and handle it. i'm tryin..
in answer to your question - - no, i don't think money would change things. (only wouldn't worry about money i guess) you get it, it's the long long time together. it's a part of who you are - like it or not- it changes everything about this choice...the choice to chop this person out of your life for good - it's big..
oh well.... i like to blame it on money- it seems less insane to everyone if i say i stay for him to pay the bills. i guess it's less pitiful and more practical than remnants of love & life together. the sorting process - i'm the woman with the attic full of "stuff"...i have trouble letting go
.
thanks man-
xxo
Actually Nero, I am pleased, though not surprised to learn that it isn't money. I didn't think it was, and it isn't pathetic to remain where you are because of love and a long long relationship. Life is full of compromises, and like I said, I didn't get to make the choice that you did. I actually talked about it at bomb drop but my xh wanted OUT (yeah right, still around nearly nine years later, but there we are!).
I like URworthy's advice too - you are doing the things that your partner needs. Love is a funny thing and it isn't all about our ego and what we want and what suits us. I think that is why love can be so easily abused - because it is kind and suffers long, as St Paul says.
I suspect that if I were in your shoes I would be much as you are. Staying with the situation because of what there was. Half a loaf is better than no bread, especially when you are over 60!! Is that a 'good' way to live Idk, I really don't. Some folks here seem so sure about everything, but the heart is a strange thing.
Btw I also wondered about a brain tumour! But he had a full MRI scan in connection with another health problem, and apparently not.
hey hi-
(warning- got long and possible wierd or ramblie- im leaving it- (better out than in? ) and you can stop after about first line or not- as you see fit. i try and keep this junk out of my mind mostly on daily basis) it's all in background tho- isn't it?)
you're nice. i know, it's sure a huge life's force with it's own agenda - the heart. You're sure right about alllll the people out there in life - who are soooo sure about everything- ... i'm thinking of our h and yours still being tortured and fiddling around - being present in your life (somehow) and trying to be (he probably does not know for one minute what the heck he's doing (really) and why - he just can't stop himself - - and mine. talk about "knowing" everything and not knowing a thing.
i wonder sometimes if i have this huge ego - thinking i know a darn thing about anything or anyone. i'm thinking honestly perhaps i've been wrong about everything and everyone for my whole life. It was a rosey little outlook i had- and i'm loath to get rid of it- it did make life 'SEEM" nicer. I wonder if i am a giant fool to even think about being who i was. but then, it is who i am or was or .... idk, helllllll0p - honestly.
. I alwasy think, (used to anyway) that this dope of a guy loves me - more than he knows - he's just is soooo busy knowing everythign for sure - king of "i got the facts" land - that he's blind & dopey and he's missing the point in life. (something like that). then i think i flatter myself.
then i know for sure - that exactly as mwd says, if i'd have said choose - when i found out- he'd have picked her. he is/was that blind and nuts. how does he reckon he walked away twenty years ago- and now finds her irresistable - and the key to happiness???? WHO IN THE universe in their right mind walks away from LOVE ? i'm askin ya- no one. if you love anyone that much- you walk thru fire to have them. period. that's my conviction and my m.o. .
in retrospect it's soooooo "grand" - omg - he's sooooo screwedup- that's the other thing that worries me - he is obviously not the man i thought - is this guy someone to spend a life with? . someone soooo delusional and f'd up on the emotional front? i thought he was a "rock" - he is a stinkin pile of pebbles on shifting sand. oh well- decision for another day.
ya gotta wonder where it all will end- perhaps when the choice is mine to make- i will opt out! who can know
he's acting like his selfish parents that he crucified for like behavior. can't he see? i don't think so. doesn't look at self too closely - So,
i wonder about myself too- what giantly hypocritical things i do- idk- all this thinkign can get ya in quite a psychological hole. i'm happy to cut everyone a break and assume thay are just poor saps like me trying to be happy and stay afloat in life.
as far as "what he needs" - honestly - my brain is soooo , well, "damaged" at this moment - i don't know what i am doing or he needs or i do . i need more than this- and am not likely to be getting it anytime soon. what he needs? idk- to be 18 years old and turn back the hands of time? He has mentioned here and there thruout life that he is "teaching me a lesson" - tho he cannot seem to EVER flesh that out. ever - no kidding, what the heck could the "lesson" be?????. if he cheated when we were madly in love and young - the only lesson i get is that he is a well-disguised rat - always has been and i'm nuts to love him or even think of it.....
he can't come up with the crime really. i honestly do think "it's him" not me in this mlc stuff - but i don't see what good that does me. It makes me lose faith in the person i thought he was - he is a man who gratifies number one first (the "flirtation" w/current ow alllllllllllllllll those million years ago- I wish he'd never told me. why the heck would he??? his own guilt i guess, but it's "ruined" my ability to find the value in our " past" alot... that is a real tragedy. if it was alllllllll a stinkin lie- what in the world would i be fighting for anyway?
I feel like some little animal just goin on instinct - survival or something - it's wierd.
i attach alot of importance to that. the fact that back a hundred years ago he had a "thing" with her- at the office. so, if he's harboured this notion of her as his "lost love" - what the heck is that? if he loved her so much- he'd have walked thru fire to have her - rite. she was there on a platter for him- he let her go. i told him that- it seems a poor sort of "love" if he didn't forego all others and have it - nobody alive turns down their heart's desire short of death. (but her kids came with- could it have been as simple as he's so selfish he didn't even want his "true love" if she came with complications? " so now i think of them in bed and i'm supposed to be "neutral " bout it - not so much. geeez - i'm quitting this, it gets worse and worse doesn't it?.
no response of course - what a jerk and a "chicken" for a big man. I swear - sniveling worm that i can be - i have waaaaaay more guts than him. At least i can stand up - say what i think and feel - try for what i want - and not hide behind my emotional inarticularity (did i make that up? it's a good word, isn't it?????
I am amazed at how totally this man cannot deal with his own heart- words - life - emotions - etc. HENCE THE brain tumor theory. i mean, he's a stinkin lawyer and he's good at it (arguing is his life) . he can convince a dog it's a cat- yet, cannot speak about feelings. seriously f'd up guy in there- ya never know do you???
i'm, sure he is sure it's his "choice" to be like he is. i do not admire it- if it's his choice - it's a stinker. and it's remarkably same as his hated mother who dumped him (12 yrs) and his father in the dead of nite and left with his baby brother & her rich new bf to go have a shinier- "more fun" life. nice huh? his big spiel in life - "it should be fun" - what planet does he hail from?.
Man, has that guy got "baggage" or what? ya gotta wonder - if really - do adults REALLY go off the rails as a result of unresolved "S" from their childhood? how could he never look at himself- he's too busy pointing out to everyone 3else what they're doing wrong.
oh well- it exhausts me. it doesn't really do any good to be "right" in stuff like this, does it. (if ya even are, that is).
idk- wish i felt better about my part in all this. my stupid handling of (apparently) my life. ya gotta wonder- how you can bumble along being what you consider a decent citizen- and end up in such a stew of insanity. what is wrong with this picture????. ta da - a knack.
eeeek - sorry man- got rambline- i'm going to go find that shiney paper and more coffee- go back to neroland and shut off the brain. It's cheesy, but i think my brain is just in "withdrawal"mode since my mom died. It was a big worry for sooo long - her health - her mind - her life, her happiness(?) , her neurosis. she was a perfectly nice person- just had her own baggage & shared it (alot) with me - i am unable to really reel my brain back in (failing some dire need to do so) and it's roaming around being "fuzzy" with the lack of life and death responsibility of mom's last bunch of years. no kidding- i can see it from the outside - but seem unable to really get it back into the harness. i don't think i'm ever going to allow myself to be THAT responsible for anyone again any time soon.
one of my sisters thinks we kids should sell her mom's house and give her a mortgage and become her , what? landlord- and be responsible for her (happiness?) in life- i get horrified at the thought of collecting money from her and standing between her and the street - how could she expect this ? and why isn't she just grateful to be going to inherit a big gob of money? instead of trying to turn it into everyone oweing her a home & a life & EVERYTHING. I know she works hard and is poor- but really- she fought with mom always - and now she wants her house(s) - her car- her sofa - everythign she had- she wants her life and to be her (and still even now does not even have a charitable word for her) - wtf?????
this family makes me crazy- everything makes me crazy - no wonder i'm gluing shiney paper and gardening like mad-
i'm outta here - sorry for ramble- no wonder i need to shut down this brain - too much exterior junk input-
oh no- world :
how i got going down that road - haven't in soooo long. now everyone will write and say i have to stop analyzing him - and get on with it. make it about me - not him....
i mostly do- honest. somehow i allowed brain down that rabbit hole this morning-
ignore that man behind the curtain over there - i am oz - the great & powerful.....
hi nero, wish I had something to add. seems to be such cobwebs in my brain. I am afraid of the money thing. grew up poor, always struggling- know what that is like. its the jealousy/envy thing too.... the love thing is starting to dissipate. idk. I get nothing from h. I am starting to actually dislike him and his actions. he is a selfish guy.
love is kind and suffers long...its true.
As UR, says, we will know when we know. I've yet to wake up and say AHA! I know what to do.... so onward we go.
It is confusing the way your h behaves. I don't doubt one minute if I got something positive from my h that I wouldn't keep on standing. waiting for him to remember.
Hope it a good day!
I don't think there is a problem with analysing, and understanding what is going on and why. It seems normal to me.
The only time it is a problem is when it prevents us from living our own lives.
Two books (very different) that I have found helpful are 1. Robert Lundy 'Why does he do that' which is all about emotional abuse. Everything you say seem to me to be signs of emotonal abuse. What right does one adult human to 'teach the other a lesson' I mean really, really? My xh also replicated the behaviour of his parents who who had little to do with all his life. Old patterning I guess.
The second book is Iain Mc Gilchrist 'The Master and his Emissary' which is all about the relationship between the right and brain hemispheres. What I gained from this long and well researched book is that a lot of these guys function mainly from their left brain - fact, fact, fact, and do not seem able to connect very well with the land of emotion. But in another way they are operating out of unrecognised emotion.
I believe the MLCers love us, at least many of them do, but it is all twisted up and confused. In my case I am better away from him and who he is now. In your case you may be keeping him going while he frolics in MLC affair land.
Some want to stay connected with their life time partner and others do not.
I think what I would do in your circumstances is to go on building a separate life, until you feel at a point when you really can make a decision. I think we know when it is time - it may be time by other people's clocks but they are not living in our heads. I would sometimes like to be one of those decisive people and just make a decision and get on with it, but we are not all the same, and have different emotional landscapes.
Nero,
It's good that you are writing down your thoughts and exploring them, i.e., it's a good way to sweep the cob webs out of your mind. At some point in time, you will move forward inch by inch. Right now, you are right where you should be because you need to get everything out and look at it, analyze it and from there, you'll have a better understanding of who you are, why you feel the way you do, what you want and life and how to go about it. You've had such a difficult time of things in the last year or so, your h acting out, your family and your mother's passing. It's a lot and it will take time to untangle everything and I think you've been a bit hard on yourself about things too.
Things will happen in due time. There is no need to try to rush them. You will know when you've had enough and then you will decide what you want to do and how to go about it. For now, focus on what you want to do each day and if it means sitting in your garden and admiring your flowers, then do it.
I do think that posting here and exploring your thoughts and feelings has been a good exercise for you. On that note, you may want to consider starting a new thread, as you are over the 100 posting mark and this thread may be locked very soon.
hey hiya and ya know what?
I read your comment on "some good things" going on with him and i don't believe it (anymore).
i think now, sadly, that whenever he is nice or attentive it's his sick compulsion before seeing ow. it may be crazy- but there you have it.
he is all pleasant- charming- what? making sure "i'm still there" so he can tra la off and get laid with a clear mind. everything is in it's place (his faithful dog). sittin by the door of the "old homestead" waiting faithfully- pant pant -
sorry- someday i'd love to be shown to be wrong- but i am not buying it currently.
i have trouble viewing anything he says or does that is nice as (a gesture of caring). i get that it is in some wierd way an expression of caring *(or possession?) - because why bother really? otherwise - - -
but give me plain ole, no agenda, no strings, unvarnished happy & spontaneous affection...... nothin fancy- just real...
it's too wierd tho for me to buy into or have any expectation or hope about.
he's made me soooo cynical about him- it's a shame. it's not my usual m.o. and i find it streessful to always remind myself to not allow self to go there- to the caring alot place.
but, i do appreciate your thoughts and comments - it all helps alot - and i'd like to hope somehow this all ends up "rite" - i just don't honestly know what i would see when that happened?
know what i mean? the wind is out of my sails at the moment - i can't seem to get inspired about my life's path- i'm just open and floating and wondering where the heck the tide will chuck me up on the shore - know THAT feeling... not bad- not good - not nothin...
sorry to be dreary in the face of possible progress -
i just feel "too tired" last couple days- i'll get rite out today and see a bunch of folks and rejoin the human race. my neice has been coming over every evening to work on her homework and visit - so i'm not brooding at all.
she's good company and i'm very glad to help and edit, listen, whatever and feel useful to her. she's a good student- she's got "stuff" in her little life as well.
i think we help each other - without either ever really sayin it or maybe realizing it-
anyway- ta da-
i am sorry to report how skeptical and disbelieving and negative i may be- i do see it tho, i cannot see how you get rid of it- been burned- do not stick hand in fire-
xxoo glad to hear your voice man
hiya -
funny you saying aoubt being a person who "just acts". my mom was like that. she had a hard life and did well surviving alot of tough circumstances - that being said, her m.o. was just do something- anything - right or wrong at least you've begun.
i feel like that alot, totally the heck with it - - then my brain (or the devil - or an angel?) kicks in and says: think about this- don't be a jerk - you may be hurting your own cause, be cautious, consider allll the facts, etc.
i do not want to hurt anyone or myself needlessly in life- it's my stumbling block- where to draw that line and go ahead - and give up considering the repercussions (real and imagined)
iknow- rite????
hey hi-
i'll go do a new thread now- i forgot. i get soooo wound up and in a nother land. thanks for the comments - it helps me not think i'm a total nutjob.
i run here when my brain is busting out allover teh place. there just is no let up really lately- switch one bunch of stress for another. th o, saying that out loud to you- i realize this is alot less "life threatening" than being responsible for someone's very life every day- possibly- like it was.
comparably this is "nothin" - money and personality crappola - so thanks for that- i'm stepping back from that edge rite now. perspective is everything - huh?
you'd think that my sisters and I would merely be sad my mom died , it was not an easy or pleasant final year, or days (of course, why would any of THEM know that) ?? - and then grateful for the big gob of money we all will get from this woman who did wiothout and scrimped along in life so we'd all have a roof over head, etc.
i mean- really, i'm sooo grossed out at the two who feel 'screwed" - they were no where around in her life for her lonely old age. she was tough- but hey, she was a person - rite???
anyway- i let it get to me. i cannot fix it, or them or anything really.
can't even save a single soul - here's me letting go of that "junk" for today at least. i can't even "save" self- i am not going to accept any responsibility for amy of my sisters' happiness here - no way jose...
this sister is trying to make me responsible for her life and happiness=- it's not fair- she crashes thru life taking care of self and kids - she's been a good friend and "shoulder" for me so i have compassion. do i want to be tied to her for thirty years collecting money from her? God no- the thought makes me want to cry.
well- that's the problem this morning- it all makes me want to cry. people's inhumanity to each other- what the heck? we're all soooo the same - need the same things- are they blind or nuts or both??? ever notice the ones that feeel free-ist to ASK are the very ones that never think to be th ankful or grateful for help - and attach very little importance to anyone elses efforsts? or generousity???? i guess that's why they feel free- no recognition of what & how much they ask...(on purpose i'd think)
i/'ll go do that new thread - i can never think of clever thread names - i guess ya noticed by now.
thanks man- xxoo
hi-
i lost myself totally- somehow i'm back here - so i'm responding. thanks for note and thoughts.
i know- i am not in life (totally not) used to feeling like this- soooooo out of control and powerless, etc.
maybe it's the staring down death thing for past bunch of years- idk-
i agree totally we lug along allll our baggage of youth and life- of course we do- what else would we be but the sum of all those experiences, good an bad.
i know the feeling too- about not liking this new guy. sometimes i really get washed over with it- and think if i ever get my brain and emotions on firm footing i'll get lost and get away. sometimes i feel he's trapped me for the moment in this life i've gotten used to-
that he is not who i signed up to and for- but did that old guy exist? or was THAT all a lie too???? i have some very serioyus issues with trust & reality and honesty.
i'm outta here- wonder where this will go- new thread or old. xxoo