I am starting a new thread at my previous one was at 104 replies.
Hi everyone, with a heavy heart I would just like to say that I will no longer be using the forum on here. I just feel like H is probably reading it, and there will be legal issues happening that I do not want to have in writing.
Thank you, so much everyone who has helped me along my journey. I truly appreciate everyone's feedback, love, and support through these difficult months for me! I feel so much stronger now than when I first received the big BD in February. I feel more prepared to move forward with my life, whatever may happen in the future!
You are a great bunch of people on here!
peace and love and best of luck to everyone.
Stay strong and keep on bustin.
-cp
You take care of yourself CP.
Thanks for your support on my thread.
Take care CP, don't be afraid to put one foot in front of the other. After all, its the only way to get to the end of all this.
Cp, best of luck on your journey. So sorry you have to leave us.
We will be thinking of you and praying for you.
Hang in there.
CP. I'm sorry to hear you feel you have to leave, but thank you for letting us know.
I wish you, and anyone close to you who may be reading along, all the best. Like you, I too feel the people on this forum are nothing short of amazing.
Thank you everyone for all of your best wishes and support over the past months! I don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for all of your support and advice. I feel so much stronger now after all of this DB'ing.
-cp
Take care cp. At least you can still read all the other posts even if you choose not to write!
Wishing you all the best cp.......take care of yourself:)
Take care cp. At least you can still read all the other posts even if you choose not to write!
Thanks! For sure I am going to keep reading the forum and posting on other people's threads!
Hope all is well with you, JRG.
Best of luck, CP! Thank you for your support with my sitch and I wish you the best of luck and happiness!
Thank you for all the help you provided me CP! I'm sure there are great things to come in your life no matter how it all plays out.
ETC
Thanks chl and etc!
I am doing alright, kind of just living life, doing lots with the kids and keeping busy. Happy overall!
I feel a great sense of relief, and not wondering about "what will happen next".
Quick update, I went for a lawyer consult and started working on a separation agreement. H has kids on weekends and 1 or 2 weeknights. On Sunday H said he had been re-considering separating?? Said he had done a lot of self-reflection and thinking over the past couple of weeks. Not sure what to make of that. I don't think he is liking all of this lawyer stuff and being separated and he may be acting out of fear, who knows, he is still confused.
I think confused is probably an understatement! Keep that PMA and taking it one day at a time and see where you end up. Have a great week!
Chl.. not only is he confused but I am as well now !! Lol. I was starting to let go and move on and now he is (possibly) reconsidering. What on earth am I going to do with that information?
We are going to have another talk soon. Does anyone have any suggestions / ground rules/ boundaries for going into the talk?? I need to make sure that me and him are on the same page here.
Any help would be appreciated.
-cp
It sounds like H got whacked good with the Reality Stick.
What do you want?
Take your time here, move with caution. No sweeping it all under the rug allowed.
Let him talk. See if he has a plan of action. He'll probably say something like he wants to date you and then see what happens. That won't work. There should be some kind of C aspect to it so that the same mistakes aren't repeated.
See if he is willing to go to C for the both of you. You need someone who can come up with a roadmap for healing and give you the tools that you can continue with on your own.
Thanks ForeverYoung and MrBond,
FY: What I would ultimately like is to reconcile. If that is not possible I want to know very soon so that I can move on!
Mr. Bond, I think you are right, I am going to let him talk first and see what he has to say. I also agree that counseling is needed. Would it be reasonable for me to tell him that I would only work on things if we agree do counseling? How do I say that without coming across as being controlling?
When I talked to my MC she told me that the first step for us trying to re-connect would be for H to start individual counseling so that he can work out his issues that he is having. I am just worried about how controlling that would sound!
I don't think it sounds controlling CP, just admit that you don't think the both of you can do it alone. That you both have work yet to do, and you need guidance to get there if theres a chance.
Its not controlling, its reality.
Good luck.
Thanks again everyone for all of the support. So now I have a plan of action. Take it slow. Let him come to me, and let him talk first to see what he is thinking.
In the meantime, think of some boundaries/conditions:
-we both have to be willing to put in the required effort, to be able to move forward with our relationship and progress
-counseling would be needed; start out with IC and move to MC when we are ready
Am I missing anything?
-regards,
-cp
So we are going to have a talk Monday.. thank goodness, I think I will feel relief no matter what happens. (So long as there is no more waffling/limbo/ambivalence/fence-sitting involved). Can you tell I am tired of the ambivalence??
To be honest, I wouldn't linger on the R talk issue. You say that you don't like being in limbo, but you really haven't been in it that long.
R talks have a way of ending badly with all the stress and pressure. Keep things light and open. Allow him to trust you.
Good luck.
MrBond, thank you so much for your help and advice. I feel like right now I am struggling between wanting to have answers right now so I can move on with my life and giving him space and time.
I am going back to work in a month and feel like I would like to have some answers beforehand so I can handle some emotional as well as financial issues. I worried he was going to hold off on talking to me about things until just before I headed back to start work again, and that I would be an emotional wreck.
Do you have any advice for me on heading into my conversation with him? I already know I am going to let him take the lead and hear what he has to say.
If he says he is certain he wants to separate, I am just going to tell if that is what he wishes, then fine, and leave it at that. (no more talking)
If he wants to work on things what should I do/say? Should I just say ok I agree and leave it at that for now, or start getting into my boundaries that I listed above?
I feel a little lost right now, and doubting my decision to ask him to talk with me. Hopefully I am not rushing him, but I do feel I deserve an answer from him.
Regards,
-cp
C, this kind of thing is kind of off the charts when it comes to steadfast ways to handle things. It may help explain why you're feeling "lost". If you watch some of the other threads, you'll see some bits and pieces of the thought process while a MLCr works through their issues. Because it is their issues to work through, you have to take care of you. That said, there isn't really a right or wrong way to handle things. There's only what works for you.
Do you have any advice for me on heading into my conversation with him? I already know I am going to let him take the lead and hear what he has to say.
If he says he is certain he wants to separate, I am just going to tell if that is what he wishes, then fine, and leave it at that. (no more talking)
If he wants to work on things what should I do/say? Should I just say ok I agree and leave it at that for now, or start getting into my boundaries that I listed above?
Boundaries? Boundaries aren't something you have to communicate. They are something you have to enforce. With or without words. It's friendlier if you communicate them to be sure, but not required. A MLCr, generally speaking, is working through a lot of issues. It is not ok while they do that to hurt others. But they tend to. That said, it's helpful to let them know you won't be spoken to inappropriately. That helps nobody. It's as if they have to learn how to treat people again, so you need to have that boundary and if you tell him - great. If you enforce it, that'll work too. Make sense?
As for conversation? I suggest figuring out what you want. You can have the answers and still not agree with how he handles them. Believe me
That's just a disagreement. You can also let him have the last word and see how that works for you.
I think your needs are valid and your approach is a good one. If that helps.
My $0.02.
Peace,
AJ
Thanks for stopping by AJM! It sure has been a rollercoaster, here in MLC land
I will have to stop by your thread to check out your situation. I think I have used the wrong word: boundaries. I meant to say
conditions. I was mostly wondering if I should bring up the counseling aspect as well as just making sure that he is willing to put effort moving forward. I am at the point of "do or die" right now. If he is not willing to put in the effort I am moving forward with the separation agreement.
peace,
cp
"If he wants to work on things what should I do/say?"
Ask him what does that look like to him. What does "healing" and making things better look like and what actions does he think need to be taken?
Hi all, guess I'm on moderation and still hoping to get through so I can get some advice. I've posted several other posts so won't go through all that again other than found out 8/12 H was talking on a secret phone to OW. We separated for almost six months, went through IC and MC and things were going pretty well until 8/13 I caught him on secret phone again. He immediately said we are through and left. He has had me on an emotional roller coaster ever since. One day nice and sweet wanting to talk about us and what we can do, the next I won't hear a word until evening. I firmly told him that I need him to do a NC with OW in order for our marriage to go anywhere at this point. I will not waiver from that because I think that's the problem I had first time was forgiving so quickly and not trusting that there was NC.
We have a 9s and 13s (mine) and he keeps inviting himself to whatever we are doing and I've basically said that's your choice. We also own our own business so it's difficult to do total darkness.
Last night he texted me and said he wished he could figure out how to get us on track and how he knows he f'd up our relationship and doesn't know what to do. Then he said he wished he had a magic wand. I said "don't we all?" Today he's back to being aloof. Asked to join me and sons to dinner and movie, then when I told him what time we would be at restaurant he said "I'll see if I can make it". I said, "your choice".
He has been questioning who he is, doesn't think he's as successful as he should be for his age - just turned 45, doesn't want to live what little life he has unhappy, wants to die his hair - which is just starting to grey, losing weight, etc.
Any advice would be great at this point as I feel I'm being strung along and he's sitting on the fence to decide if our marriage is worth working on or if she's the better option. Thanks to all replies.
I think Bond is right. You are far from "done", that's easy enough to see. You just don't want what's right now. I get that.
Checking to see what he thinks that looks like allows you to figure out if you want to talk or not. If you want to continue or not. I strongly suggest not quitting until that feeling comes and doesn't go away. When it does, you'll know and you won't have to worry about talking to him or not. Until then, keep trying!
From your description, I don't think your H is "done" either. More like he doesn't like the limbo either.
Just my thoughts and what I see in there.
AJ
Be careful what you wish for, its probably still not going to be the answers you really want to hear. There can be no satisfaction unless you really hear the words "ok, lets make this work". If you think that's whats coming out of his mouth, wouldn't he have said it already?
I know how frustrating it can be, but your still hoping for those expectations. Free yourself of that burden. Don't be afraid to realize you still MIGHT have a LONG ways to go. Are you going to stand or not?
You can do this CP, I know you can!!! Patience grasshopper, patience.
Fly, you may be right, and there might be more 'waffling' on his end, I have no idea what I would say if he told me he was still thinking about things and wasn't sure!
I honestly have no idea what he is going to say. I am fine if we still have a long way to go.. but not if it is in limbo-land. Only if he is willing to put some effort in. Fly, I have no patience, I am amazed I have made it this far! I feel like I just want to move forward one way or another. Hopefully I have at least a LITTLE bit of clarity tomorrow.. I wish I could just fast forward 2 years of my life... ugh
Thanks for all of your support, I truly appreciate it.
-cp
He already knows what you want, he cant give it to you yet (or maybe even ever), period. The reality of it is, your either going to keep standing, or your not. Let go of that rope a little, you've got too tight a grip still.
Its gonna take more time, ok, can you handle it? Are you really in a place that you think divorce is better than limbo land? or are your still trying to convince yourself of that. I dunno, your the only one that can truly answer that question. My hunch says no thou. Give yourself some more time to detach, its only been a month since he moved out, said a few things, and you let your expectations ramp up a little. Your really only in this 8-9 months, I know that feels like an eternity, but what if it takes another year? I hate to say this, but he isn't sure, are you willing to give him more time? If we're using the general rule of one month per year, you got at least another 6 months of this. ouch. Your mindset is EVERYTHING.
Try and set a few goals for yourself the next week or two. Nothing huge, some small steps that get you going in a positive mindset. I know how you love the crafting/painting stuff. Is there something in the house that you can work on to keep yourself busy? An old chair or table? How about just try something new, some modeling clay/sculpturing? Try a real painting? like a house in the forest type thing. I dunno.
Keep your mind busy, stop trying to think what HE might be thinking, he'll tell you when he's ready. Unless of course, you decide your done, you'll still be my fellow DB'er. Don't make me come up there and take you to a hockey game, lol. If I have to stop this car........
Ok, Fly, how have you managed to make me smile, while at the same time hitting me with a 2x4?
Are you really in a place that you think divorce is better than limbo land?Yes, I'm almost there!!!!
I understand what you are saying and you have given me some new things to consider.
Thing is how do I move on while leaving a space in my heart for him still? When he told me he was done for sure and wanted to separate I was ok with that, cause I felt I could close that door, and move on. It was such relief. Now he's reconsidering.
Should I just keep busy and do my own thing, and act as though we are separated?
Here are some of the things that are holding me back still,
-going back to work in early November and worried that if I hold off on things with H that we will be dealing with this kind of thing right before I head back, and I will not be ready to go back
-worried about splitting finances, and if he wants to rent a house then I would like to get a separation agreement so we do not go into debt to pay for 2 houses
-worried that if I start on the work with my lawyer that I will be shutting the door for any reconciliation...
Ahhh...
I like your idea of starting back up on the painting/crafting. I was thinking about painting my girl's bedroom, that would keep me busy and happy
And my girls would love it. I am also working on painting a rock for my dad, one of the rocks that my mom had picked at my uncle's cottage. Hmmm... I need an exciting new project
ok first thing you have to get into your mind, you ARE separated!! emotionally, there is no acting is if your together is there??? That's the dangerous part about holding the rope too tight.
2nd, "almost being there" is still NOT being there, its gonna happen one way or the other, why rush it, don't have regrets. When your done there will be no regrets, AND you'll know that you did EVERYTHING you could to stand for as long as you could.
What if I told you I had a machine that rushed you forward two years...........what would u hope to see when you got out? Being together? Or being divorced? It wont take that long, so decide now what you want, and stand until you can no longer stand. You will always have a space in your heart for him, cause the marriage wasn't always bad, we tend to remember the good things as much as they cant. So leaving the spot open will come all by itself, you'll forgive him eventually, and that in itself will help.
I want you to put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, you've said in the past you almost feel bad for him, right? Why has that changed now, cause your tired? cause you feel like your doing all the work? I get that. But what does it really change? Your husband has made some comments that are encouraging, is it not happening fast enough for you now? That's for you to answer, not for me. But its up to you to figure out why, and work on that.
Maybe your husband needs to see you go back to work, see that you are going to make it, see that you CAN get it done. BUT I really think those are questions you need to answer for yourself, not him. Dont doubt yourself, look at what you've been doing the last few months, work? piece of cake compared to it.
I agree that you need to protect yourself, that doesn't mean he has to know about it. Covering yourself doesn't mean you have to file a darn thing, just being prepared, its just being informed. I'm not sure how you feel like that's closing any doors. Sounds like something you can work on? That damn detachment thing again.
God, im really starting to hate the word.
In the end the only thing holding you back, is you. If you feel discouraged, feel like giving up, feel overwhelmed, then that starts affecting everything you do, and you incorporate it into all your actions. You must stay positive!
Your up in Toronto area eh? Trust me, you don't want to go see the maple leafs right now, now that's torture.
Haha, I knew you would say something about the Leafs
They are actually on a roll right now! They are currently undefeated! hehe.
Thanks for your support and advice, I felt like I really needed it, especially today! I talked to him on the phone today and I told him that we don't have to have the talk today if he didn't want to. He then said that he thought it was my idea to talk right away so why am I changing my mind? Then I told him that obviously I can't rush him into talking about something if he doesn't have any answers yet. He told me that we could still talk about a couple of things tonight.
Ugh. I am starting to hate R talks!! All of our talks have ended with him saying that he wants to separate, and he has told me this 4 or 5 times already! My heart is not ready to hear it again! This is why I am so angry!
You are right, that I just need to slow things down again. I suppose it isn't really like being in limbo, this time, just like being separated with the possibility of R.
I always hoped if I was separated that it would be for good, so that I could move on and not look back.Hmmm... time machine? First I would like to time travel back to the 70s.. that seems like fun times and good music!
Then I if I were to go to 2015... I am most interested in my own happiness. Of course I would like for things to work with him but I could see myself happy either way. Not sure what I envision!
You are right that in the past I have felt bad for him because I knew that he was going through a crisis. This has not changed, I still feel for him. But when he told me for certain that he was ready to separate, I just let him go. Because I cannot change his mind. Now he has made encouraging comments, that have COMPLETELY caught me off guard.. I was not expecting it at all!
You are probably right about work being a piece of cake compared to what I am dealing with now. Work would be good for me, I could catch up with my old coworkers, and just keep busy.
I agree I need to protect myself. What do I do if he rents a house for $1000/mth? We can't afford it right now. The thought is stressing me out
My step mother's opinion is that I keep on dealing with the lawyer, no matter what. My dealing with the lawyer seems to be really bothering H, that is I why I feel like it would lessen the chances of our R. Unless he is just saying that because he doesn't want to deal with lawyers.
Haha, I knew you would say something about the Leafs
They are actually on a roll right now! They are currently undefeated! hehe.
Hoorah and let’s hope they can keep up the momentum! Although my son won’t be happy if they do.
I agree.. go Leafs! This is the year for the cup!
So, I just finished talking with H. I tried to downplay the talking but he seemed adamant to have a talk. It felt strange to me in a way, he seemed calm and happy and kept looking into my eyes. We had a calm conversation about a lot of different things. I let him take the lead with the conversation. His big issue is that he feels I don't trust him and that is what he is wondering most about. We talked about that for a bit.
He asked me if I thought we were fixable. I told him yes. He told me he is not quite ready to come home yet, but he would like a few days to think about some things and then we could talk again. He said he is going to make an appointment for IC. I told him I was going to continue with my IC. He is not sure if he would like MC, not right away anyhow. I told him I agreed. He said he is scared about this process of moving forward and asked how I thought we would do this. I told him I would do some thinking about it and talk to my counselor. I also stated that counseling would have to be part of it, the first step would be our IC. I said I would like to have a great marriage, and start over fresh. I told him we would have to come up with a roadmap, a plan for healing and how to move forward. I said I would ask my counselor about it and do some reading.
I think I did ok? But I am kind of nervous now, like fate is in my own hands.
Hi CP,
Interesting about the trust being his biggest fear, it is the same for my W most likely from what she has said. And of course, they don't want to live the rest of their days being reminded of all they have done....and who would?
I think you did well, low pressure is GOOD it seems, right now. Especially for guys methinks...casual works well...The eye contact and calmness I think are good, a sign of some clarity.
Your mindset is EVERYTHING.
True, so true, that up there ^^^^. And it is a task to maintain it.
Keep going!
Thanks for the inspiration TSquared!! I am doing pretty good today, happy that I had that talk with him yesterday and hopefully we can (slowly) start to move forward. Now I have to do a whole bunch of reading up on what to do next! It seems like he is worried and scared about this next step for us and he is looking to me for answers on how to move forward. Guess I had better get reading!
-cp
Maybe you are in the place that Wonka has said to others...time to be the mentor to your mlc'er....?
Thanks again! I just checked out the mentor quote from Wonka, and it makes sense. So basically they are more emotionally fragile right now so it is important for me to be more sensitive, nurturing and supportive to him, and STFU on my own pain and resentment for now. Makes sense to me. It looks like I've got my work cut out for me for the next little bit. Thankfully, I am have a bit of free time to get myself organized and think about some things.
What has me most worried about this new development is the feeling that he will bolt. I will also try to remember that famous squirrel metaphor
Have you ever tried to feed a squirrel?
The best way is to hold out your hand with the food and be perfectly STILL.
Any sudden movements towards her or away from her will scare her away and send her scurrying away.
Shouting at the squirrel and telling them to come get the food wont work either.
Patience and TIME is the only way you will ever get the squirrel to eat out of your hand.
I used the "feral cat" metaphor, because I have done that successfully in the past.
And W does the "come closer, then back away" cycle a lot. She working on her issues though, seeing an IC now and on a new AD (3rd week for both, too soon to make any determination of change)...so I try to just watch out of the corner of my eye, so to say...have to remind myself to not get antsy, because she WILL pick up on that.
I do get the feeling they will bolt feeling...
I guess we just have to remain calm and collected with all of this going on. I think the IC will be good, and is needed. I am a bit worried that it will counter working on the R? Should I be worried about that? Are you doing MC right now as well?
I'm a little bit confused right now . If we are heading for reconciliation should we each be doing IC or should we be starting MC together right away? I think H is not quite ready for MC right now. I think he wants to start with IC. I think IC would benefit him but I worry that it will make him change his mind about R. Am I overthinking things? Also, would we start off by dating a bit? Do I let him take the lead for affection like kisses and hugs? Is it a bad idea if he wants to move back in right away? Ahhhhh!!! So many questions. I am just so confused about what to do.
My opinion is to just do IC right now, get some time under your belt so he is comfortable around you, and himself, before MC.
As far as affection...maybe if your initiations are just more casual touching, like on a shoulder, or hand at first, but anything more maybe let him lead for a while. We guys can be extremely sensitive to rejection though, which would make us initiating a bit more difficult. I think if you paved the way with those small casual touches, that would alleviate that fear. Assuming you yourself are at a comfortable stage, naturally...
This is tough, you just have to feel your way along I guess.
Hang in there!!
T, thanks. I do think IC will be good, and I am so happy that he is wanting to do it. I feel we are moving in a better direction now, and I am feeling a bit better. I do have a bit of an overwhelming feeling right now though, that I need all of the answers, like right now! Ok..breathe!!
You are right that I need to just feel my way along through it and do what feels right. For sure I know not to rush things and just slowly ease back into things. It feels strange though, since I have been working at detaching and now I have to detach a bit less. It's like I have let go of some of the emotions and feelings that I had and now I have to try to get it back.
Thanks again for your support!
-cp
I think the detaching doesn't mean you can't have those feelings, but rather that you aren't dependent on them being reciprocated. That as H fluctuates (and he WILL), that you are not upset (too much)...that your day, demeanor, is minimally affected.
In case you haven't read it, here is my favorite and most clear (to me) meaning of this detachment business:
Question: What is the meaning of detachment?
Answer: The Buddhist meaning of detachment is slightly different from what the word normally means in English. Detachment in Buddhism is connected with renunciation. The word renunciation in English is also misleading, for it implies that we have to give up everything and go live in a cave. Although there are examples of people like Milarepa who did give up everything and live in a cave, what they did is referred to by a different word, not the word that is translated as “renunciation” or “detachment”. The word that has been translated as “renunciation” actually means “the determination to be free”. We have a strong determination: “I must get out of my own problems and difficulties. My mind is totally firm on that goal.” We want to give up our ego games because we are determined to be free from all the problems they cause. This does not mean that we have to give up a comfortable house or the things that we enjoy. Rather, we are trying to stop the problems that we have in relation to these objects. That leads us to detachment.
Being detached does not mean that we cannot enjoy anything or enjoy being with anyone. Rather, it refers to the fact that clinging very strongly to anything or anyone causes us problems. We become dependent on that object or person and think, “If I lose it or cannot always have it, I am going to be miserable.” Detachment means, “If I get the food I like, very nice. If I do not get it, okay. It is not the end of the world.” There is no attachment or clinging to it.
For me, those deep feelings of care and love for W are there still, cached away safely until it is safe for them to be expressed. I have been allowing myself, in very small, incremental doses, to open up to being vulnerable. small, safe, doses, lol. If I feel my equanimity being rippled, I dial back a wee bit until I have my expectations back in check. And I have noticed that expectations are still the pain bringer. And it is hard at this "acceptance"/"reconnection" phase because they are not stable enough, comfortable enough in themselves, much less the R, to even begin to approach consistency. So it is our job to manage ourselves, our expectations and be the leader in consistency...while they lead the reconnection dance. Imo.
Hang in there! I am watching as maybe W and I are somewhere around this neck of the woods in the process, but it can be tricky to tell since she never physically left the home, no clear cut "sign" like wanting to move back in, or date, etc.
For me, those deep feelings of care and love for W are there still, cached away safely until it is safe for them to be expressed. I have been allowing myself, in very small, incremental doses, to open up to being vulnerable. small, safe, doses, lol.
This is where I am at right now as well. I have dialed back on expressing love and affection to him. I feel like, in a way, this has made me not as emotionally connected to him as I used to be, however it would not be hard for me to get those feelings back. I will just take it one day at a time!
If I feel my equanimity being rippled, I dial back a wee bit until I have my expectations back in check. And I have noticed that expectations are still the pain bringer. And it is hard at this "acceptance"/"reconnection" phase because they are not stable enough, comfortable enough in themselves, much less the R, to even begin to approach consistency. So it is our job to manage ourselves, our expectations and be the leader in consistency...while they lead the reconnection dance.
I agree that those pesky expectations are the pain bringer
For now I am just happy knowing we are headed forward, for me that is a bit of a relief. I like the idea from Divorce Remedy to set small, attainable goals, and notice any little positive changes, looking for those small victories. I think breaking it down into smaller chunks is good for keeping the expectations in check.
I definitely agree that WE have to be the ones to show consistency, as they tend to be all over the map! I often feel that I am trying to keep calm in the eye of the storm... for me the past 7 months has been CRAZY!
Sometimes it's so hard to remain strong, focused, and consistent when it does feel like we are in the middle of a huge storm. At least things seem to be leveling out a bit around here. We can do this!!
Sometimes it's so hard to remain strong, focused, and consistent when it does feel like we are in the middle of a huge storm. At least things seem to be leveling out a bit around here. We can do this!!
I hear you...working on 48 or so months here all included (but no free continental breakfasts)...and yes, leveling out is good, and yet harder in it's own way. Sometimes I think W's anger stage was easy, because I just assumed home would be sh!t and she hated me...this hot/cold/lukewarm/dabble in connecting/dabble back in replay is much more crazy for me, I think...not sure...I'll get back to you tomorrow on that one...lol.
Hang in there!
Haha, ok! I haven't yet had to deal with the dabbling back into re-play mode.. of course, he is still living away from home and I have no idea what kind of things he is up to
I guess I will find out if he moves back!
Journalling:
Some personal short-term goals/actions on here that I hope to keep up:
-more eye contact, flirting, teasing, slowly become more affectionate
-VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE. stop being so defensive in an attempt to 'win' an argument, truly hear what he has to say, his legitimate complaints
-stand up for myself and my needs/wants in order for my needs to be fulfilled more often, so that my ideas are not being shut down
-express my desire to be able to do things that make me feel happy, and more fulfilled, not letting his negativity drag me down
-exerting my independence
-no nagging or complaining
-being more independent, calling on him for help less often
-talking in a nicer tone of voice
-keeping things light around the house
-not interfering with how he is handling the kids
Strange turn of events??
So H and I had a discussion Monday about moving forward with our relationship again and working on our issues as a couple. We have been separated exactly a month now. In the beginning, I thought our separation was final, and we were headed toward divorce. Then, he hinted about having a change of heart. Then on Monday he said he wanted to work on things. Now we are in the process of figuring out how to move forward with everything.
My question is.... when would be an appropriate time for him to move back in (assuming he wants to)? How long should we give it? Should we do some counseling before he moves back? Should we start out slowly, like he comes home on weekends for a bit? Should we start dating/going out with each other again?
I realize that we are going to have to put a lot of effort into figuring out where things went wrong in our relationship, and fixing them. We are both going to do IC. We both agree that things are going to have to change and we don't want to go back to how things were before.
Is it too soon for him to move back in?
I asked him if he wanted to have a quick talk today when he was over. He said he would like to talk after the long weekend. I asked why and he said that he would like to have a nice long, unrushed talk about everything, and moving forward. This is a strange experience for me. My H, the non-talker/distancer, is all of the sudden wanting to have R talks with me?
Now he has me worried! lol. I haven't talked to my counselor yet about all of this and I am worried that I will not have any answers for him right away, about how fast we should be moving.
Still not sure about the whole moving back in thing. I can wait to see what H's ideas are. Also, I have an appt on Tuesday with my DB coach.. woo hoo!!!
So I can hopefully have some more answers and clarity then. Have a good weekend everyone.. and for those Canadian folks.. Happy Thanksgiving weekend!!!
IDN, but I'd be inclined to let him back home as soon as he feels ready. Here's why:
You both are getting along civilly.
You both are in IC and wanting to work on the M.
The sooner you get back together, the sooner you can start rebuilding the connection needed for a new M. On the other hand, the longer he stays away, the greater the distance between you. (at least in my mind)
You can still take it slow and give space with him in the home. Lots of us are doing just that. We don't touch, and sometimes don't talk much, but my W sleeps in our home every night. That means a lot to me.
FY, I think I would like him to move back soon. I would like to have him in the same house. I'm sure after our talk I will have a better idea of where he is sitting with all of this. I think that he would like to talk more about things before he is ready to move in.
Yesterday he told me he would like to sit down and talk about where we think things went wrong, and what we can do differently. He doesn't want us to make the same mistakes again. I have a feeling he is going to come with a big laundry list of issues that he has with me and what I have done wrong. I am used to getting defensive when talking to him and I have the tendency to shut down his ideas or start debating with him, etc. I used to be on the debate team in school.. it comes naturally to me! I really need to work on 'VALIDATING'. I have been getting better at that.
Sometimes I think I let my resentment get the best of me. I get into the mindset that I have been in so much pain from the last 7 months, and I tend to think, 'how dare you say that after all you have put me through!!'. I need to stop thinking that and just realize that we both contributed to the breakdown in the marriage. And just work on listening to his concerns without being defensive.
I also think he is going to look to me for answers on how to move forward with everything and, truth is, I don't know! Hopefully my session with the DB coach will help with that.
I think what we are most looking for now is getting that connection and love back.
Anyone know if there are any good books (or readings on here) about piecing/reconcilliation? How to reconcile after separating? I've got a couple of days to do some homework on the subject before I talk with H....
I have moved my thread over to the piecing forum,
Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated -peace,
-cp