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The Road Not Taken


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


-Robert Frost
Here is the link to my previous thread:

[url= http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2371178&page=3][/url]


Here's a quick update,

I went for my job interview for the painting position yesterday. I rocked the interview and felt really good coming out of it. H drove me to the interview and afterwards our whole family headed to the beach. We spent the whole day at the beach and it was so nice to do something together as a whole family, as we haven't done that in quite a while. This summer we haven't planned any vacations as a family since everything has been so up in the air.

I didn't end up getting the job, as they ended up hiring someone who was available to work full time, bummer. I was pretty disappointed by this news, especially as it means that I will have to return to my old (full time) office job, that is full time. So it no longer makes sense for me to stay at home with my son every other day frown
Ok, hopefully this works this time! Here's my old thread,

Two Roads Diverged In a Yellow Wood
Sorry to hear about the job. Glad you had a great family day though.
I was quite upset about the job, I did great in the interview and felt really confident. But they found someone that could contribute full time hours. I figured that if I were to work full-time I may as well go back to my old job that pays significantly more. I'm going to see if there are any similar jobs that are hiring, but there doesn't seem to be many.
I hear you CP. I'm trying to find something similar to what I'm doing but paying more. There's a lot of competition for what is available and my age seems to go against me although no employer will admit that.

Keep looking. Something will come up, probably when you least expect it.
We did have a nice time at the beach with the family, and it think it's good that we were able to do that. Ever since we've been in this 'limbo' H has been so awkward around me, like he doesn't know how he should be acting around me.

But for the past week and a bit he has lightened up. We've started watching Breaking Bad together on the couch most evenings, so I guess he is not afraid to be around me anymore! haha. For a while he seemed desperate to leave the house and get out for walks or work in the basement. Why is he so afraid of me! I am 14 inches shorter than him and petite! haha. I am the least intimidating person you would ever meet! smile

I know people say to not be 'waiting' while all of this is going on, yet it is SO hard to not feel that way. We really don't know if we are going to continue on together or separate. I keep thinking awful thoughts like that I should ask him to fix things around the house 'before he decides to leave'. I am not sure how to stop thinking that way. I guess I am just being realistic.

I suppose I don't need to focus on putting a label on our status right now, but the longer this goes on, the more I feel like I would like to know for my own well-being. I guess that's where my own personal boundary comes in with how long we are able to go on how we are, without knowing.

Another thing is that things seem to be improving between us. For months H was distant and cold and now he is opening up to me. Baby steps I guess! It is so much easier now with H acting nicer to me around the house. I thought I was going to go crazy before! wink

Have a great week everyone, thanks for your support!

-cp
Thanks Not Quitting. My hope is that I can get a different job that will be beneficial for both me and my family. Although if I don't find one soon I'll be stuck going back to my old one, as money is tight. Time to get on this job search!!!
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements

I suppose I don't need to focus on putting a label on our status right now, but the longer this goes on, the more I feel like I would like to know for my own well-being. I guess that's where my own personal boundary comes in with how long we are able to go on how we are, without knowing.


Here's the thing with that "wanting to know the outcome" thing, cp. H doesn't know himself so how can you! So, you have to find a way to be content with the reality of where you guys are right now. Make any changes you can to get there. And remember to continue to stay away from those relationship talks/temperature checks!

Quote:
Another thing is that things seem to be improving between us. For months H was distant and cold and now he is opening up to me. Baby steps I guess! It is so much easier now with H acting nicer to me around the house. I thought I was going to go crazy before! wink


What's his eye contact with you like? For us, W's eye contact (or lack of it) pretty much tells me where she's at.
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
Thanks Not Quitting. My hope is that I can get a different job that will be beneficial for both me and my family. Although if I don't find one soon I'll be stuck going back to my old one, as money is tight. Time to get on this job search!!!



So you go back to the old job and you keep looking. Nothing says you have to stay there once you go back. And remember, it is said that it is easier to get a job when you are working than when you're not. I believe it as 3 years ago when I was laid off I had no offers for three months, but after I got and accepted an offer, there were about half a dozen other offers.
Hey CP, just checking in.

Sounds like things are going pretty decent. Don't think you should back slide now with a personal boundary of needing to "know" yet. Be happy with progress, you cant shorten this process no matter how hard you try. Take the progess with a smile on your face, and no pressure. Your doing great.
Thanks for checking in everyone... I can feel the love! smile


Things are a lot better lately. (knock on wood). I seem to be getting out of this constant panic mode, and things are looking up. I am feeling the best I have in months, although this is a marathon not a sprint as everyone says wink
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung


What's his eye contact with you like? For us, W's eye contact (or lack of it) pretty much tells me where she's at.


ForeverYoung, that is an interesting thought about the eye contact. A few months ago he would not look me in the eye at all, and was always staring off. He looked angry/distant/frustrated/a million miles away. Now it is more hit and miss. Over the past few weeks we have had more good days than bad days, which is new since the big 'bomb drop'. So now every so often we will look at each other and smile. It seems that things are getting better lately and there are more of those moments! smile

You're right, you definitely can tell by the eye contact!
Not Quitting, I think I will try to get back to my old job. You're right, I can still look for a new one at the same time, but I do need the security, (and money)!

I am still a little disappointed because I was looking forward to learning how to paint furniture.... I guess I can take that up as a hobby in my spare time, as a GAL activity! wink And then I will actually have the money to buy the paint and re-model some of the furniture in my own home! haha.
Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall
Hey CP, just checking in.

Sounds like things are going pretty decent. Don't think you should back slide now with a personal boundary of needing to "know" yet. Be happy with progress, you cant shorten this process no matter how hard you try. Take the progess with a smile on your face, and no pressure. Your doing great.


Hey FlyonTheWall... thanks for checking in! How are things with you? Hope everything is well. I felt I needed to set a personal boundary because this limbo was really getting to me. I know that DB'ing is supposed to help you detach so you don't get caught up or affected by everything. For a while there H and I were really tense around each other and he was acting so cold, and it felt he always wanted to escape being around me. I was getting this feeling that I was an inconvenience in his life and he wished that I was not around, and it was really starting to depress me and cause me anxiety. I have never gone through anything like this before!

So I set the personal 'time limit' because I knew that I could not handle feeling the pain and anxiety for months on end (without things changing or getting better). Funny thing was that immediately after I set the time boundary, things started improving between us. We were getting along all of the sudden, laughing, joking, having fun, doing things as a family, and actually hanging around each other and enjoying it! what?!!

So now that things are better and improving, I can handle this a LOT better. I feel so much relief.

I also feel that I have done A LOT of thinking over the past 6 months months, since BD. I have analyzed everything to death and thought over every little detail a million times. Trying to imagine every possible outcome and the consequences. If he wants to leave, I am not going to stand in his way. If he wants to stay in this limbo, I can handle it so long as things at least remain how they are now, or improve. I no longer feel the need to label what status our relationship is. If he wants to work on things I realize that will also take time. Sorry for ranting on Fly!

Take care.
Sounds like things are going really well.

Enjoy living in the gray, its really not bad and its actually is probably good practice for when you have teenagers.

ps Couples counseling is a waste if your H is having MLC
Hi CP!

Every time I see your screenname, I want to listen to Adele and cry my eyes out. I love Adele!

Anyway, I'm sorry about the job, but it sounds like you had a nice day with your family! And even though you didn't get that particular job, don't give up on applying for other jobs! I'm glad that things have been improving between you and your H!
"I also feel that I have done A LOT of thinking over the past 6 months months, since BD. I have analyzed everything to death and thought over every little detail a million times."

I know that process well. In my job, that's pretty much a requirement, so transferring the process to my sitch was only natural. If W does this, then this and this could happen. Then I'll do such and such. Plan A, with contingency B, Option C, and so on and so forth.

I did it so much my mind would go numb, and that was a close enough substitute for detaching that it would at least let me get some rest.:-/
Originally Posted By: specialk
Hi CP!

Every time I see your screenname, I want to listen to Adele and cry my eyes out. I love Adele!

Anyway, I'm sorry about the job, but it sounds like you had a nice day with your family! And even though you didn't get that particular job, don't give up on applying for other jobs! I'm glad that things have been improving between you and your H!


Hi specialk! Yep, the screenname is Adele... I love her!! Every time I hear "Someone Like You" I want to burst out crying. She puts so much emotion into her music! smile I actually dressed up as her for Hallowe'en last year.. haha!!
Hi CP, sorry about the job, but at least you tried and know it wasn't meant to be with THAT job - no regrets for not trying! I agree with the other posters that you should go back to your old job for right now, but to keep looking for something that will make you less stressed and more content!

I'm also glad your H is being less awkward around you - baby steps! Hope you have a great week!
Thanks chl0901.. some highs, some lows this week, but overall better than it has been for quite some time! Yes, he is definitely being less awkward and there is less tension between us. Have a great weekend!
Here's a little update,

So for the most part things have been going good. H no longer seems to be in a depressed mood/state all the time. He appears to be much happier. We have been spending a lot more time together.

I've been helping him work in the basement putting up insulation. Yesterday he told me that once the drywall is all up he is going to take a break from working on the basement for a while. What??! We have all the items for him to keep working, but for some reason now he wants to take a break from working. Of course, I feel like, what is going on? Is this good or bad? Does it have anything to do with us? Things are so up in the air right now. Perhaps he really does want a break so he can spend more time with his family.

And of course he hasn't told me whether he wants to keep on with me, or separate frown I know these kind of things take time, but this is making me feel so anxious and upset. I am not very good at detaching or not thinking about everything all the time.
I actually think its good that he is taking a break from a project. Support his decision, pamper him. He is headed in the right direction, go easy on him.
CP, don't read too much into him taking a break. I was just reading your last two weeks of posts, and I think that you are about 2 months behind me. I have only just started feeling 'detached' from my W. I no longer obsess about what she is doing or not doing. It's a good feeling. Give it time and you'll get there. You'll worry less about things like him stopping work on the basement.
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
Here's a little update,

So for the most part things have been going good. H no longer seems to be in a depressed mood/state all the time. He appears to be much happier. We have been spending a lot more time together.


Same here with my W: Less depression. -It does make things a little easier for us.

Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
And of course he hasn't told me whether he wants to keep on with me, or separate frown I know these kind of things take time, but this is making me feel so anxious and upset. I am not very good at detaching or not thinking about everything all the time.


He can't tell you because he doesn't know himself. On the other hand, he's still there, right?

It's ok to think about "everything all the time", (I do) as long as you can be at peace with the way things are. Find a way to accept the new normal. Make changes if you need to. Live your life and enjoy it.
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
I actually think its good that he is taking a break from a project. Support his decision, pamper him. He is headed in the right direction, go easy on him.


BklynMom, I am glad you wrote that and I think you are right! A huge issue for us right now is that we seems to be at odds with each other about EVERYTHING! Whatever stance one of us makes about a decision, the other one will usually take the OPPOSITE stance, it seems. No wonder we do not feel like much of a team at all! I will try to support his decisions regarding the basement from now on. (and try not to worry so much about his motives for everything).

I think that a 180 for me would be to go along with more of his ideas.. hopefully one day he will return the favour to me and be more supportive of me and my ideas/decisions.
Originally Posted By: FastCars
CP, don't read too much into him taking a break. I was just reading your last two weeks of posts, and I think that you are about 2 months behind me. I have only just started feeling 'detached' from my W. I no longer obsess about what she is doing or not doing. It's a good feeling. Give it time and you'll get there. You'll worry less about things like him stopping work on the basement.


Thanks FastCars. I am actually glad that he is going to take a break on working on the basement. It will mean that he will have much more time to do family things with us, and help out around the house. Over the past couple of months I had been taking care of most meals, and watching the children, all while he worked away in the basement. For the past few weeks though, he has been helping around the house so much more, it feels great! smile

We have a lot of good things going for us right now. I still feel sad every so often, and have feelings of wanting to leave once in a while, but what I need to do is keep remembering how far we have come since BD in February. We have a LONG way to go yet, but at least things have gotten better.

I have read through your recent posts and you are doing so good at detaching.. what is your secret? I think I am getting a bit better. For me I do a lot better job at detaching now that he is not acting so depressed and moody. It is SO much easier now that he is acting a bit more like his old self, although I know he is still uncertain about everything.
Journalling..

Things have really shifted in a positive way for us in the past 3 weeks or so. I am not sure of the reason for this change, but I feel a lot better. H's mood has improved considerably and he has been slowly starting to be around more around the house, doing family things with us. Over the summer we did not do any family trips or vacations. He took the kids camping a few times without me, and the idea of that really bothered me, to not be included, and feel left out.

But things have changed and and we have starting going on little family outings again and it really is a great feeling. Also, the constant tension between us seems to be gone, and we are more comfortable around each other.

My counsellor asked me what I think the reason for the shift was. I am not sure, but she thinks that perhaps he has started to notice that the changes I am making are sticking.

We also had a great breakthrough regarding my job search!! H emailed me to say that I needed to go back to work. It felt like he was forcing me to do so. I understood his feelings, that we need extra money, but I felt so angry at the way it felt like he was being 'demanding'. Then I found a part time job that I was really excited about, that I thought I would really enjoy, and he didn't want to even have a discussion with me, because he only wanted me to go back to my old job. He thought the part time job would not bring in enough money.

Then, he seemed to have a change of heart, and he even helped give me some ideas of what to do at my part time job interview. He helped me prepare for it, and then even drove me to the interview and then we went to the beach afterwards as a family. I almost had a heart-attack!

I didn't end up getting the job, as they ended up giving it to someone who wanted full time hours. I thought I did really well in the interview, and I was glad that in the end H supported me.

At home after I found out I didn't get the job, he went back to saying that I should go back to my old job. So I said to him, "I would like you to speak to me as if I was a friend of yours, and that you were interested in my well-being." And then we actually had a rational discussion, and he thought of job some alternatives for me, and even helped me look on job websites for a new job!!! It was as if something shifted for us and we were able to communicate.

And for me, just knowing that H was able to support me in the end, gave me the peace of mind that I had been looking for the whole time, just the need to be heard and understood. I called my old work back and I am returning to my old job in a month. Now, because H and I ended up having a fair discussion, I do not resentful to him at all about having to go back to my old job.

So I think that is a breakthrough for us! smile
That's great news CP. It's really nice to see some good news on here, and reading your good news has helped me feel better. I can't say I've had any good news in my sitch but it definitely helps knowing that there are people who do.

Just remember to not rush things and to keep on DBing for yourself.

Take care.
Great great news.

Seems like you both made concessions.

Keep sticking with the program
CP,

Your posts really helped me today! We have some similarities in our sitches...as my husband is still at home, too.

He has, also, bounced back and forth between wanting to stay and wanting to go (all summer....ugh!)...and we have also had some good days/weeks here lately. My H's depression seems to be getting better, a little at a time.

I also struggle with wanting to know RIGHT NOW where our R stands...so it's hard to just "chill out" and let things be.

Like ForeverYoung said above about your husband, he's still there...and that's a good thing. He can see the positive changes you are making in yourself and can be reminded that he actually does like to spend time with you. smile

Sounds like you're doing a great job. Thanks for your posts!

Angela R
Thanks... I think it is good news as well, and I feel a lot better about everything. I also feel more prepared/ready/accepting of what will come in the future.
Our 8th year wedding anniversary is in a week... I'm curious to see how he acknowledges it.. haha. I do not expect anything. Normally we would get a babysitter and go out for dinner.... ah, the good ol days.
Hi Angela, your story does sound similar to mine! I went through the same thing this summer where H bounced back and forth, telling me he wanted to separate, then not separating. It is so hard to go through!! We also did a 'trial separation".. ugh!

I do often wonder where my R stands at the moment, although I am trying to work past that. I have a tendency to blurt out things in the heat of the moment that get me into trouble! lol. So lately I have been applying the 24-48 hour rule, where if something is bothering me I will think about if for a couple of days before bringing it up to H. That has helped alot!

For now I have given up trying to know the status of our relationship. Because I now realize that he doesn't know and that it will take time. And me pressuring him for an answer only causes more problems!

I am so glad that my posts helped you yesterday. I was at a point before where I was so ready to give up on everything and I held on. Eventually things got better, and they are slowly improving. Everyone on this forum says that it's a marathon not a sprint..
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
Thanks... I think it is good news as well, and I feel a lot better about everything. I also feel more prepared/ready/accepting of what will come in the future.



Sounds like you're in a good place right now. Keep it up and stay strong.
CP,

I really like your 24-48 hour rule! I need to try this! So much of the time, I'll react (usually badly) and then, later, realize that it wasn't even that big of a deal...if I would have just let it go.

I REALLY hate it when my H says "I don't know" when we talk about R stuff...but it does help to realize that he really doesn't know.


Thanks, again!
Angela
Hi CP, glad things are looking up for you lately and going more smoothly. I hope they continue to improve and I hope you have a great weekend!
Thanks chl! You too!
So H has been a bit grumpy the past few days, and not talking much. If I ask him a question he just gives a quick mumbly response. Is mumbly a word? lol. I must be getting better at detaching because it has not been bothering me at all that he is acting grumpy.

A couple of months ago when he acted this way I could physically feel anxiety in my body and it would stress me out. Now I just think, oh well, it is what it is! I will just back off a bit and give him some space (which is a bit harder now that he has cooled off on working on the basement).

Our 8th anniversary is Tuesday, not worrying about it at all though.

I feel a little bit torn at the moment and wish that I had my mother to talk to. She passed away 3 years ago, and I would have talked to her about everything going on in my life. I wonder what she would say!
Hi, CP. My anniversary is Monday. frown <sigh>

You know, when they are waffling back an forth, getting angry, whatever it is that we can't control... I like to vision myself on a boat in a storm. I can't control the weather, but I have to steer my boat. There are rocks around and the shore is looming... so I steer as well as I can, and while I can't ignore the storm, I don't let have all of my attention.

And I'm not even a sailor or a boat owner. I have more analogies where that came from. ;-)
Sorry about your mom. I didn't see that part. It's good that you've noticed the change in the way you handle that stress. Have to acknowledge those positive changes!
Originally Posted By: MileHigh

You know, when they are waffling back an forth, getting angry, whatever it is that we can't control... I like to vision myself on a boat in a storm. I can't control the weather, but I have to steer my boat. There are rocks around and the shore is looming... so I steer as well as I can, and while I can't ignore the storm, I don't let have all of my attention.

I like your storm analogy smile I feel the same way, like I am trying to keep calm in the eye of the storm! That is a great way of detaching for me. No matter what he is doing, acting grumpy, moody, distant, nit-picking, I just let it roll off me and remain constant in my actions. I am not so worried about how he will react, I am just acting how I see fit.

I think I have realized why it no longer bothers me. I used to be so afraid of the outcome of our relationship, and him leaving me. After all of these months have passed and all of the things that have happened between us, and things he has said to me, I am no longer worried about hanging on to him for dear life. I am ready to let him go if he wants to leave. Does that make sense?

I read this quote on FB today and it stuck with me:

When a storm is coming, all other birds seek shelter. The Eagle alone, avoids the storm by flying above it. So, in the storms of life.... May your heart soar like an eagle.
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
[quote=MileHigh]I read this quote on FB today and it stuck with me:

When a storm is coming, all other birds seek shelter. The Eagle alone, avoids the storm by flying above it. So, in the storms of life.... May your heart soar like an eagle.



Love that quote. It applies to so many of us on here.
Journalling,

Things have been alright lately. Had a great family day on Sunday. H planned for us to go for a nice Sunday drive to a corn maze, where we spent the day as a family. We had a great time, it almost felt 'normal'. Things seem so awkward sometimes, after BD, like there is a big elephant in the room. Lately, though, things seem more normal. Thank goodness!

We had our 8th anniversary yesterday. I got him a funny anniversary card. Kind of sad being at the store trying to pick out an anniversary card that doesn't sound loving at all! Sigh. When he came home from work I gave him the card, and he suggested we go out for dinner with the family for our anniversary. We had a nice time at the restaurant, and it feels good to be doing things as a family again. Especially since he suggested it! That was actually one of my DB goals, that he would start suggesting to do things together. So I guess I should count my blessings. Small victories! smile

Normally for our anniversary we would have gone on a little getaway overnight, or got a gift. Oh well, it is what it is, I wasn't expecting much. I was actually surprised that he suggested we go for dinner.

I have been struggling with holding on to this relationship lately. It has taken me every ounce of strength not to have a relationship talk with him, and I am still wading back and forth between wanting to stay or leave. I feel I may be happier leaving. I have my IC appt on Monday, hopefully I will get a bit of clarity.
Hopefully someone can offer me some advice..

I just found out one of my favourite bands is coming to town in 2 months. I invited my brother and SIL, and my dad and step-mom. They are all coming so I am quite excited!!! I asked H if he would like to come. He kind of sighed and said "I don't know." I did not mention anything else to him and just went and bought the tickets. (and did not buy one for him).

My question is, do I buy a ticket for him in case he changes his mind (they are cheap). Do I give him a quick heads up that if he decides to go let me know and I will buy him a ticket? Or do I just leave it as it is and never ask him again about it.
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
.... I asked H if he would like to come. He kind of sighed and said "I don't know." I did not mention anything else to him and just went and bought the tickets. (and did not buy one for him).


Hi CP, why doesn't he want to go? Is this something that he usually doesn't like? Or is it because of the others you invited? Or is there no good reason other than his apathy?

I think you invited him, and he more or less said no. So I would not talk to him about it again. It is good to do things apart from your spouse too. In this case, you seem excited to go, and if he is coerced into going, then he might bring you down. You'll be preoccuppied with him. Better to leave him at home.

If it comes up, or if you decide to bring it up in the next few weeks, I would try to get a more definitive response from him.
Hi FastCars, he usually does enjoy going out and going to concerts. I think the reason is that he is still hung up on not knowing whether to stay in our relationship. If I had to guess, I think his hesitation is due to him not knowing whether we will even still be together in November.
Definitely don't pressure him to go then.
Originally Posted By: FastCars
Definitely don't pressure him to go then.


I agree with FC, don't pressure him.

My H was the same way about committing to something earlier in the summer because, and he actually said it, he didn't know where we'd be when the time came.
I am going to go and have fun.. with or without him! Fastcars is right.. perhaps if he did go I would be preoccupied with him anyway. I am excited that my dad and brother are coming, as they live far away and I don't see them very often. Since my mom passed away a few years ago for some reason what we seem to be doing more of as a family is going to concerts together. We have seen B.B.King, George Thorogood, and "Rain" the Beatles tribute.

Also, my dad has formed his own rock/blues group and has started playing at marinas, coffee houses, and festivals. He is the singer, and plays guitar and harmonica and is now taking up banjo. He's been trying to convince me and brother to go up on stage with him to sing a song... I think I would need a few beers in me before that happened!! haha.
Having an internal struggle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach right now and do not feel well. Other days I feel fine, even great, with how things are. Things are improving between us, and we have been communicating SO much better. We are even spending more time together. Some of my original goals have been fulfilled. I think that we are handling situations better together, more as a team, and taking each other's feelings more into consideration.

Standing in a relationship is hard, and I definitely have so much respect for those that stand during tough times in order to save their relationship.

Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce. My inside is screaming at me to leave, run, run, run, and let H have his freedom, and me mine. My head is telling me to wait it out and see what happens.

Things are getting better with us, but is it going to amount to anything, if he just doesn't have those feelings for me? Something tells me that once you lose that love for someone it is pretty hard to ever get it back. That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back? I feel like I am the foolish, doting wife, to someone who will never care for me as he should.
Hi CP,

Quote:
That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back?


This is normal I think. I, and several others are struggling with questions like this right now.

I think it is entirely possible to get the "love" back, although it very well may look different than before, because both parties have changed. If the MLC'er has processed their demons, and also the LBS, then what "was" can be restored if even in a different flavor, with new understanding, etc.

I fear that my W will do what her Dad did, emotionally "check-out" for 20 years, but not "leave" leave, only to "return" when diagnosed with cancer. There is a family history there that nibbles at my mind. The thought of that and no intimacy for 20 years scares, and discourages, me. Many, many times I have thought "This is my chance to get away from this, the problems and issues, I have "full justification", why don't I take it and start over?"

But, I think of my best friend through teenage years and through early married days, we are in different parts of the country, rarely communicate, but when we do, that old connection and trust comes right back, though we are different people now. In matters of the heart, time doesn't seem to exist the same way as it does in "normal" time.

I think this is why the reconnection "stage" is so hard, you see the real person again, but they aren't quite all there consistently. You see the possibility, yet, we know now that possibility doesn't mean it will be.

Possible, but not guaranteed. Like most, if not al, things in life. And this is the big life lesson for us right there, reality, versus social programming.

As Snodderly says, sit quietly, go about your business, the answers will come... smile
Oh, and there are enough real life cases where it did come back, the love, etc, that I believe it can, though not guaranteed... smile
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
Having an internal struggle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach right now and do not feel well. Other days I feel fine, even great, with how things are. Things are improving between us, and we have been communicating SO much better. We are even spending more time together. Some of my original goals have been fulfilled. I think that we are handling situations better together, more as a team, and taking each other's feelings more into consideration.

Standing in a relationship is hard, and I definitely have so much respect for those that stand during tough times in order to save their relationship.

Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce. My inside is screaming at me to leave, run, run, run, and let H have his freedom, and me mine. My head is telling me to wait it out and see what happens.

Things are getting better with us, but is it going to amount to anything, if he just doesn't have those feelings for me? Something tells me that once you lose that love for someone it is pretty hard to ever get it back. That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back? I feel like I am the foolish, doting wife, to someone who will never care for me as he should.


Hi CP. I too feel like this at times. For me it comes and goes in cycles, maybe every 3-5 weeks or so. I know how hard it can be.

"Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce."

This is a bad place to be. They can't give us answers because they don't have 'em. If pressed, their answer most likely would be "I don't have those feelings, and don't see how they can ever come back."

I know it's not easy, or always possible, but we have to find ways to be content with where we are, in limbo land... or bail out. Like you, I often find my limbo sitch quite tolerable. It seems the best choice for now. Sure, I'd be fine living by myself, but it would not be better than what we have now. Starting up with a new partner holds even less appeal. (unless it was with one of you fine DB ladies, of course!)

What changes can you make that will leave you more content with your life as is? This is what you need to search for and make happen. If H is to ever come back around, it will take time. In the mean time you have to live for you. Don't waste a day!

Finally, just knowing that I can pull the plug on this Limbo at any time helps me tremendously. We actually have a lot of power in all this, so don't feel foolish, or like a victim. You are doing right by your H, M, and the commitment you made. Be proud of yourself!
Thanks TSquared and Forever Young.

Well.. H just came home from work early to deliver the news that he wants to separate. So, off to see a lawyer as soon as possible, to figure out what is affordable for me. I feel so bad for my young children that their family is getting split apart. frown I don't feel the greatest myself either, I told him to leave and go back to work. I now have to confront all of the things I had been putting off in my mind.

H wants to be in the same house during the day until he finds a new place. I am not on board with that and told him that. Hopefully he can figure a way to give me the space I need.
CP, my working hypothesis is that the 'love' is still there between my W and I, but we have relationship issues and she has MLC issues that is obscuring it. My view is we are waiting to rediscover the love that is already there.

Also, I like the rule of thumb of giving it at least 1 month for every year you've been together. You have 13 years together so wait 13 months, which for you seems to be March 2014.
I'm so sorry to read that CP....

I like your spirit though, just getting up and doing the rational, logical needful!

You are strong, you will be just fine... smile
FastCars.. I think you are right about the MLC thing clouding over everything for them. I am not going to hold onto any more hope for reconciliation though, I am going to move on. I will cross that bridge if we ever come to it, if he ever wants to work on things again. My guess is that by that point I will have moved on.

Thanks TSquared. Now I have to start thinking about logistics and how I am going to deal with the kids, house, finances, etc.

Also, I am going back to my old job in a couple of weeks, and my son will be starting daycare. I worry that all of this change is going to affect my children. They have just started going back to school. My 6 yr old girls go to school every day and my son goes every other day.
I so sorry to hear that CP.

I know exactly how you are feeling, and trust me the feeling won't last. You'll soon feel like a weight has been lifted because the uncertainty has gone. You can move on and yet still keep the door open should your H come to realize that he made a mistake.

Your kids need you to strong now more than ever. Continue to focus on yourself and them.
Thanks NQ. In a way I do feel relieved that the uncertainty is gone. And perhaps I am better off without him.

I must admit I feel all alone all of the sudden. I don't have my mother to talk to and have no family in the city. Normally I would talk to H..ha! I think I will probably call my brother tonight and bring him up to speed with what's going on.
Oh brother... already running into problems. He wants to work out mostly everything between the 2 of us, to avoid lawyer fees. I know he wants to split everything 50/50 and I do not think he will screw me over. However I asked him to email me his paystub. He put a personal note at the top stating he thinks that overtime should not be split between us. I am going to email him back and state that I am pretty sure that overtime will be split as well, but that the lawyers will let me know. Arg!
Imo, do not budge on using a L...my W wanted to not use a L and I put a big boundary there, saying...:This is too important to all of us, you, me, the kids, to NOT do it correctly", or something like that.

Hang in there!!
smile
I would feel a lot more comfortable if we did use a lawyer, there are so many little things to consider, I am just starting to get into it. Also not sure how it works with separation agreement and all of that, I guess I am about to find out!
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
I would feel a lot more comfortable if we did use a lawyer, there are so many little things to consider, I am just starting to get into it. Also not sure how it works with separation agreement and all of that, I guess I am about to find out!

CP, separation agreements in Ontario can be done without L as long as you can both agree on everything - you just need a witness for each signature. There are a few websites on the internet which have free legal templates. My H and I went that route, but we were in full agreement over everything. If you've got the money then definitely go through a lawyer. I did consult with one a few months ago so I already had a lot of the info I needed.
Exactly...

Do it right. SA is legal, so unless you are well versed in legaleze, get a L, imo.

And though he seems/says doesn't want to screw you, we all have seen too many times even just here where that changes, sometimes dramatically....

Just my 2 cents....
smile
Hug, Hug, CP.
I have two kids who're the same age as yours. I can feel how hurtful it is especially when we saw the seperation effects our kids. Is there any way you can delay the process of seperation? So all of you can have more time to adjust, or give your H more time to think over it? Just my 2 cents.
CP, I do agree with TSquared. I only did our separation without a lawyer because both H and I had already spoken to lawyers and we both knew our rights and our options. I wouldn't advise you to try but at the same time don't let your H rush you into making any decisions.

Separation will cover things like custody, visitation, child and/or spousal support, division of assets, and things like that. It can be part of a future divorce decree or, like mine, is worded so that it doesn't form part of a divorce - that would mean a new separation agreement would have to be drafted at that time. Your lawyer will advise you which is the best route to go.

Stay strong, keep focusing on yourself and the kids.
Thanks Not Quitting for all of your support.. truly appreciated smile.
I am going to go to my mortgage broker to see if re-financing the house under my name is an option. I am also going to try to get that initial consultation with a lawyer to hopefully answer all of my questions, although I am sure there are many questions I haven't thought of still to come!

I didn't realize that the separation agreement would cover all of those things, good to know though, as I am sure we need to start splitting our incomes soon and figure everything out.
Crazy night last night. I started bawling as H was about to leave for the evening. He seems pretty adamant on leaving. Once he is gone I am certainly not going to try to get him back. Once he leaves, so long, farewell, adieu.

Had a good long cry after he left and was pretty emotional. Called my dad and told him what was going on, he was pretty shocked and we had a good talk. Then called my brother who was also pretty upset.
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Exactly...

Do it right. SA is legal, so unless you are well versed in legaleze, get a L, imo.

And though he seems/says doesn't want to screw you, we all have seen too many times even just here where that changes, sometimes dramatically....
smile

I hear ya! smile I know he says he wants to do everything fairly, but now I am at a point where I need to look after myself and my own well-being (as well as those sweet kiddos!). He knows more about money and investments than I do, and that scares me a bit in dealing with all of this.
Maybe someone has an idea on how I can handle this one!

So he is going to stay temporarily at his brother or sister's apartment, I am guessing while he looks for a place of his own. (Perhaps he can rent while we start to figure out the separation agreement?). In the meantime, he is using our house as his own, while I am still living here. His clothes are all still here, he will drop by after work to hang out with the children, put them to bed, etc. Thing is that I do not want to be around him, it upsets me too much and I want to start moving on. Does anyone know how to balance this? Should I set some boundaries, like stating he calls before he comes over to arrange a time, etc? I feel like throwing his clothes out the window! haha, so cliche.

He's got his folded laundry piled up in my living room right now and before he leaves each evening he will pick through and find his clothes and pack his 'getaway bag'. This is quite emotional for me to see him packing his getaway bag and leaving, over and over again. Perhaps I should make myself scarce every time he is about to leave until I can get a grip on my emotions!
You need to set boundaries on this CP, for your own peace of mind and for the kids. It will only confuse them more if he keeps coming and going as he pleases.

The night my H initially moved out I took S13 to the drive-in, leaving my dad at home to keep an eye on what was being taken. H only took some of his clothes, toiletries and his computer at that time, so there's still quite a bit of his stuff still at the house. He is in the process of arranging storage for some of the stuff and then he'll be removing the rest of his stuff.

When H moved it was agreed that he would give at least 24 hours notice of intent to visit S13, and I had that included in our separation agreement as well.

It will probably be so much easier on you to be scarce - even if you just go into your room and read or something. It'll take a while before you're able to control your emotions - it took me several weeks and even now I still struggle once in a while.

Stay strong. Keep your focus on yourself and those kids of yours.
Yes.. for sure I need to set some boundaries. I have a lot of thinking to do. The tricky part is that he has no place to keep his belongings. For some reason it really bothers me that his clothes are at home. I feel like clearing his clothes out of our bedroom. Is that justifiable? NQ.. I really like your storage rental idea.... going to look into that.
If he's staying with his brother or sister, why can't he keep his clothes there. I hope you've stopped doing his laundry. Remember it was his decision to leave, not yours.

It still bothers me everytime I open the bedroom closet and see the clothes he left behind. I've kind of learned to ignore the books and gadgets that are still at the house so that they don't bother me any more. But I'm going to have to set a deadline for them to be removed or he'll just drag it out as long as possible. Once the deadline is set, if anything of his hasn't been removed by that date I will be boxing it up and sticking it in the garage for him, which might actually encourage him to pick it up as the garage has a small leak.
His brother and sister both have a small place, and I imagine that they don't want him to stay there long. You are right, it was his decision to leave. I feel like I am worrying about him too much, that I should just tell him to figure it all out himself!! No reason why I should have to. It bothers me to see his clothes in the closet as well. I want his stuff out. I like the idea of setting a deadline to get the stuff out, and we have a garage as well, I hadn't thought of that!! wink
CP, im sorry for the turn of events.

In all honesty, I think it actually might help the situation thou. Theres never been the "what am I missing" time, this might be just what the dr. ordered.

Let him discover on his own. Sometimes that's just what needs to happen for them to understand. My IC just read me a study that says, couples that separate actually do better than couples that stay together and try to work it out.

I don't see anything wrong boundaries, in fact I think there essential. I also think its important, for you, to move his stuff out of your bedroom, if it gives you anxiety, then get it out. Maybe move the furniture around, paint it a new color, just DONT treat it like a cave that you rarely venture out of.

I know we're not supposed to mind read, or project our reasoning. But I think both of you made some progress during the last couple of months. Its a start, now he needs to see what the other side looks like for a little bit, I don't think its what he thinks it will be. But he needs to find out. I know my wife, and I know its taken a few months, is finding that out now.

Only you know when your done, its ok to be frustrated that its still not happening fast enough. You cant speed up the process. And only you can end it. I know it feels like its all falling apart right now, but I have to tell you, its just the beginning of something new, either way. Your really going to be able to detach, your really going to see things differently as your not so close to the sitch. Its almost enlightening. Your finally going to get a break from trying to be perfect around him and the pressure that goes with that.

You've been doing all the heavy lifting, helping him face his demons, trying to hold his hand thinking it was helping. Its time he finds what he thinks he wants to know. You'll be surprised too I think, and you'll know what I mean after a month.
CP, sorry to hear of your sitch like this. I agree with setting up the rules of a separation, which in my mind does not include your H coming/going as he pleases. He moved out, he no longer lives there. Period. He should be able to see the kids, you and H need to discuss a schedule. When he sees the kids, it's not in the house that he left. It's in his place, or if he has no place then wherever he takes them.

I don't believe in throwing out the spouse's stuff, but discuss when he'll have all his clothes out. Where he puts them is his problem. Other stuff can all be relocated to a separate room, the garage, or basement.

Also, definitely get a lawyer to see your rights. Probably more complicated then you think. Also, all income is split, even overtime.
Thanks FastCars.. I am just not sure though, since he didn't really move out on his own free will. He said he wanted to separate and I more or less told him that I would like him to find another place to stay. I think I will have a talk with him tonight about boundaries and stuff like that.

You are right that it's probably a lot more complicated than I know. I did talk to my mortgage broker, who is looking into things for me. I think money spent on a lawyer would be worth it in our case. I would at least feel more comfortable that everything was split fairly. I hope overtime is split. We have been relying on his overtime for the past year, as he convinced me to stay at home with the children and we needed that extra money.
H stopped by for a few hours today and I set up a few boundaries with him. I basically don't want to feel like he is coming and going as he pleases, without letting me know. I only want to deal with him in regards to finances and the children. I don't like the feeling of him hanging around the house, tinkering around, showering, doing laundry, etc. I think he can do that elsewhere. Are those reasonable requests??? Please let me know. I felt like I was being hard on him, but I think that had to be said.

He looked so lost today at the house, he looked really troubled. I can tell this is hard on him. I asked him if he was ok and he said no. I have never seen him this way before, he is usually not a very emotional person, for example I have never seen him cry in 13 years. Today it looked as if he were about to cry.

He is taking the kids for the weekend to go see his side of the family for a visit. We worked it out he will take them for the weekend and then one night during the week I will leave for a few hours so he can be at the house with them, and one other night he will come pick up the kids and do something with them for a few hours. Seems reasonable?

Now comes the issue of when to tell the children.. in the van today the kids kept saying 'why does mom never get to come with us?'. That was painful to hear. I told them I have a soccer party. They seemed to take that excuse, but I want them to know the truth soon, as we can't keep lying to them.
Hi CP, stopped by to catch up on your sitch and sorry to hear about the separation. You seem to be doing a good job of keeping it together and I hope you continue your PMA and also keep working on yourself with the GALs and 180s. Good luck!
Thanks chl. I am doing ok, well as best as can be expected in this situation! I am going to try to keep busy and keep with my GAL's.

H took the kids away this weekend to his brother's for a bbq and to visit for a couple of days. It is kind of a relief to have him gone, as I am getting overwhelmed when he is here. It also gives me the chance to get some things done around the house, like looking through the children's homework and field trip forms, etc, and I can have some time to think about how this separation is going to play out.
CP, I think your boundaries are more than reasonable. Don't feel bad. As soon as my wife had all her things that she wanted to take from our house I asked for the house key from her. I didn't want her coming and going as she pleased. Looking back I guess it was comforting knowing that she can't invade my personal space while she had her own place that I had no access to either.

It's good you have a weekend to yourself to think and collect yourself from this recent development.
Thanks for stopping by JRG, nice to see you again, hope all is well with you.

I was hoping that I wasn't too harsh with my boundaries, I did feel bad about it. He looked shocked when I told him what I expected. Then he told me that he could understand my reasoning. He was surprised when I told him that I did not want him coming and going as he wishes. I don't think it has sunk in for him yet that we are no longer sharing the house.
Hi Fly! Sorry I think I missed your comment or it may have shown up later. Thanks for your insight, it made me feel a lot better!

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall


In all honesty, I think it actually might help the situation thou. Theres never been the "what am I missing" time, this might be just what the dr. ordered.

Let him discover on his own. Sometimes that's just what needs to happen for them to understand. My IC just read me a study that says, couples that separate actually do better than couples that stay together and try to work it out.

I think you are right, and us being in limbo certainly wasn't helping any. Everyone says it takes a major crisis or change in order for the WAS to gain clarity. I also don't think that all of his unhappiness is due to our marriage, I think there are other factors. My opinion is that he will still be unhappy after he moves out, and then he will probably realize that some of his unhappiness is coming from within. I guess time will tell, I am not going to hold my breath. I think he is realizing already that I am moving on.

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

I don't see anything wrong boundaries, in fact I think there essential. I also think its important, for you, to move his stuff out of your bedroom, if it gives you anxiety, then get it out. Maybe move the furniture around, paint it a new color, just DONT treat it like a cave that you rarely venture out of.

Already done, I moved his clothes into another room. My plan is to try to get out of the house as much as possible, exercising and doing activities with the kids, and of course, soccer wink I have already just re-painted the bedroom, perhaps I will paint another room.. I am kind of a paint addict.. love painting and decorating, keeps me happy and sane! smile
Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

I know we're not supposed to mind read, or project our reasoning. But I think both of you made some progress during the last couple of months. Its a start, now he needs to see what the other side looks like for a little bit, I don't think its what he thinks it will be. But he needs to find out. I know my wife, and I know its taken a few months, is finding that out now.

You're right, we have made some major progress! I feel really good about that, that we were able to make those changes, I didn't know it would be possible! We had some major barriers, and we broke through. I feel so good about that.

I think he is having the typical 'grass is greener' syndrome. Trying to find his happiness elsewhere. Problem is that right now he is for the most part living as a single person, staying overnight at his brother's house, while I handle most overnights with the kids and he is free to go out as much as he wishes. He must feel such freedom right now. I want him to finally face the reality of our separation. I think he might start to realize that once he has his own place, because right now it is party time at his brother's place!

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

its just the beginning of something new, either way. Your really going to be able to detach, your really going to see things differently as your not so close to the sitch. Its almost enlightening. Your finally going to get a break from trying to be perfect around him and the pressure that goes with that.

I really hope so Fly! I hated limbo so much, and trying to be perfect, and that my future depended on it. I feel I was pretty strong for enduring all of that.
I agree with the others CP, there's nothing wrong with your boundaries.

If I remember right, you said a while ago that you're an Ontario girl as well. Do you get the Child Tax Benefit or your H? If it's your H and you're the one with custody,you're going to need to contact CRA - although you can't notify them of marital status change until you've been separated for 90 days - but I'd be contacting them to find out how to change who gets it. I was lucky in that I was already the one receiving the CTB so all I had to do when we first separated was change the bank account it's paid into. You can find all the information you need for that on the CRA website.
Thanks, I was hoping I was being reasonable.. I feel I just need the boundaries for my own peace of mind and comfort.

We do get CTC, right now it goes into our joint acct. We are going to have joint custody, so that will just be one more thing that we will have to split equally between us. The fact that we have a joint acct right now scares me a bit, and I feel like we may go into debt with this separation. I'm going back to work so that should help. Also, H will be finding a new place soon, so there will be that expense. Worries me a bit!
Two recommendations for you CP. First, if you don't already have a chequing account in your name, I'd get one opened. If you are receiving any benefits specifically in your name(unemployment), get the deposit changed to go directly into that accoun, and get your payroll put into that account as well. If you are going to maintain joint bill payments, you can simply transfer your share into the joint account. That's what my H and I did until we were able to split the joint expenses. You may also feel more comfortable about that account if you speak to the bank and get their advice on it.

Second, I'd give CRA a call and find out what happens with CTB in joint custody cases. Just make sure you mention that you haven't been separated 90 days yet but you are checking into things. They will be able to tell you exactly what you need to do and will probably even be able to tell you who is the recipient in your household.
Hi CP,

I am sorry to hear about your sitch. It sounds like you are doing good things to take care of yourself and to handle the storm. Moving his stuff into another room was very good.

One idea would be to take a financial snapshot now or soon, establishing the status of things. You may also want to take snapshots of things, if divvying them up becomes relevant.

Also, though I may seem like a broken record, your H sounds like he could use going to EE. I think it will give him some clarity. Lots of the folks there were around 50, so I think he would feel comfortable.

Luke
NQ, I am going to set up a bank appt for Monday. They would have an idea what I should do with my banking to set it up in this type of scenario?? I think setting up my own chequing acct would be wise.

LuckyLuke, you are right, I should start keeping a close eye on money, starting now, and how much we are spending. I am a little worried about how to go about handling finances. Perhaps I will look up some articles on the internet to help as well.

I am also going to get some advice from people who have lawyer friends. I feel lost! On one hand, I feel like since he is the one wanting to separate, why not let HIM deal with everything? On the other hand, I want to be prepared and make sure everything is done fairly. I am just worried things will get out of control if we don't start separating finances.
Well, I made it through my first weekend alone! H took the kids home to his parent's for the weekend. It was nice to have the weekend to myself, to get my thoughts organized. The house did feel SO quiet though. Had to leave the tv on in the background to make it feel more normal.. just felt SOOOO quiet without 6 yr old twins girls and a 5 year old son running around!!

Feeling a little bit of anxiety over the weekend, just a heavy, tight feeling in my chest. I notice I feel a lot better when I wake up in the morning. I think that anxiety slowly builds up during the day.

Such a weird feeling, that I am now a single mom to 3 kids now. When I got married I thought it was for life, and expected to have him as a partner, supporting me. I think I am doing considerably well though. I have the feeling that I can do better, and find someone that will care for me, that will be a better match for me.

Bruno Mars' song really resonates with me. I feel like we lost the love over the years, as H starting doing less and less romantic things for me. I was going through a stack of files over the weekend and came across a receipt from a necklace he bought me 7 years ago.. that was the last time he bought me anything like that. I started bawling! I think he has lost the love for me and now feels quite empty. I don't think he meant for it to happen, and he seems to feel terrible about it. He keeps telling me that he is so sorry.

When I Was Your Man -Bruno Mars

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

--------------------------------------------------
I am going to find that man that will buy me flowers and hold my hand (and buy me sunflower seeds and Ferraro Rocher chocolates).. is that too much to ask?
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
NQ, I am going to set up a bank appt for Monday. They would have an idea what I should do with my banking to set it up in this type of scenario?? I think setting up my own chequing acct would be wise.

Definitely a chequing acct for a start. I set up a chequing account which doesn't have a monthly fee, and it pays interest. It also automatically has a savings account linked to it. And to make it even better, every time I use my debit card I earn points which I can redeem for groceries (that should tell which financial institute).

Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
LuckyLuke, you are right, I should start keeping a close eye on money, starting now, and how much we are spending. I am a little worried about how to go about handling finances. Perhaps I will look up some articles on the internet to help as well.

Definitely keep an eye on the joint account, and your line of credit if you have one – you should become familiar with anything that is in joint names.

Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
I am also going to get some advice from people who have lawyer friends. I feel lost! On one hand, I feel like since he is the one wanting to separate, why not let HIM deal with everything? On the other hand, I want to be prepared and make sure everything is done fairly. I am just worried things will get out of control if we don't start separating finances.

You’re right that you need to protect yourself, but I totally agree with letting him do the work. It was his decision to separate, not yours.

Stay strong, you can get through this. Keep up DBing while you're at it - even if just to make yourself stronger and better at this point.
Question, what about him putting purchases on his own personal credit card and then paying that off with our joint line of credit? How can I ensure he is not spending too much on his credit card? Our finances aren't split yet and he is using our joint money to pay off everything he puts on there. We are living paycheck to paycheck and I don't think we can afford to put anything on credit card except his orthodontic expenses!!
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
Question, what about him putting purchases on his own personal credit card and then paying that off with our joint line of credit? How can I ensure he is not spending too much on his credit card? Our finances aren't split yet and he is using our joint money to pay off everything he puts on there. We are living paycheck to paycheck and I don't think we can afford to put anything on credit card except his orthodontic expenses!!

I'd suggest speaking to a lawyer and/or the bank. My H maxxed out his personal credit card, used the joint line of credit to make those minimum monthly payments and kept withdrawing cash from the line of credit. I was advised that if I could prove he was using money from the joint account to spend on OW I could sue them both for 50% of that money. As I couldn't prove it I let it slide. I did have the bank remove ATM access to the line of credit and add the requirement that we both had to sign at the bank for any withdrawals.

Since separation, we have closed the joint account and the line of credit and joint credit cards are both frozen due to the debt settlement plan we signed up to. In our separation agreement there is a clause stating that H will pay me 50% of that debt settlement for the duration of the payback period as the payments are coming out of my chequing account. That now provides me with legal recourse should he not pay his share. The only other joint bill we have is the cell phones but only because we are still in contract for a couple more months. As soon as we are out of contract we will be separating that as well.

I know how much worry all this can be, but try not to let it get to you. If you explain to the bank that you and your H are separating they will be more than happy to provide you with all the information you need, and if they aren't then you're with the wrong bank smile.

Stay strong. You can get through this and come out stronger. Always remember you're not alone smile.

Hope this helps.
Thanks so much Not Quitting, you have no idea how much you have helped me and I really appreciate it! I am going to the bank soon to figure some of it out, and possibly lawyer soon. Thanks!!! (hugs)
No problem cp. That's we're all on this forum for.

You stay strong for yourself and those kiddies of yours.
Journaling,
Well, I have had some ups and downs over the past few days, since receiving BD#2 last week. Kind of feeling mixed-emotions. Happy to receive an answer. Mixed feelings over the fact that we are getting separated. Happy that I can now move on with life again, rather than being stuck in a rut. Hopeful for the future!

Hearing what my H had to say, about his feelings for me, I think it is best that we separate. I feel that someone else can care for me in the way that I deserve to be cared for. He has hurt me in so many ways. I am ready to move on.

My emotions have been ALL over the place. Happy one minute and then sad/angry. But overall I am doing pretty well! I feel strong, and that I will be able to handle everything, and that everything will be just fine.
We all have those ups and downs. Having an answer does make things easier. You now have a better idea of where you stand and you can concentrate more on yourself and how to move forward.

Just as long as you keep DBing.
Thanks! For sure I am going to keep up the DB'ing. I am so glad I found this forum and I feel I am ready to take on whatever happens.
That's the spirit. And it's the same thing I'm doing. My H has said he's given up trying but I'm still going to keep on DBing.
We can do this NQ! smile
You got this!! Really, for now, the hardest part is somewhat over, you made it, you've learned, you've progressed. And your still growing. I think the road, although still long, flattens out a bit for you now, or do some of the turns seem not so sharp?? go figure?.

Without giving up hope, holding the rope as tight, trying to pull off a miracle that cant happen in the time frame. You'll be ok. Your husband's journey is just starting, let him have it.

I think your going to understand things in a whole new light sooner rather than later. The pressure will be off you, and on him. Watching from the stands, watching from 50,000 feet, seeing things thru new glasses. Its all a good step when you realize theres nothing you can do but let him fall.
FlyOnTheWall, I think you are right that the hardest part is behind me. I do feel a sense of relief, a huge sense of relief. Like a weight has been lifted and I no longer have to worry about whether things are going to work out. I can just BE!

Perhaps that is why I am doing ok in spite of the circumstances. I also feel that I have been given a lot of time to think about things since February, and seen him go through all sorts of changes, mostly negative. I have felt the love and care he used to once have for me dwindle away, and now I want more for myself, and feel like I deserve more.

I know that you have been going through a lot of changes yourself, what was the experience like for you?
I found the same thing CP. After my H told me he was done, I found that I detached a lot quicker. It's only been 2 weeks and I'm at that point where I find myself looking forward to him leaving smile instead of dreading that time. The uncertainty is gone and, like you said, now you can just BE!
Very true NQ.. I am definitely detaching. And I feel I am a stronger person now for having gone through all of this.

peace and love.
-cp
Having an ok day today. Feeling stressed yesterday about finances and thinking about how money will be split from now on. I am feeling a little bit nervous about how it will all play out. I just want to be certain that I have enough support, resources and money to care for my children after the separation is over.
CP, I'm confident that you'll be taken care of. Try to look at it in a positive light that you'll be able to decide exactly how your $ will be spent yourself. That freedom can be empowering. Be strong in asking for what you need. I really think you'll be able to get through this for the better.

ETC
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