Questions without answers...answers with questions

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My last post brought over!

What if what we are going thru is a test, this test is a mirror, a mirror that reflects who we are, how we react during our hardest times.

What if we were meant to go through this journey, would we be reflecting on who we are as a person if we weren't, or letting life's busy days consume us.

I can only speak for myself, I know I was all consumed with H, my kids, the house, money, a life I may not have really a been participant of, I let myself go.

Just hours before my H quit his job he told me he does everything for us good and bad, for our benefit he has gone crazy. Then he looked me in the eye and asked can that be enough for me to understand he's not trying to hurt me, or hate me, it's all he has left to give of himself.

If my M is over I am content in knowing it is because I say it's over. It's not what H wants, I believe when he says that, but I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and like who I see.

I was never one to believe that an A was the end of a M. I was so bold as to say I would not let another woman's (insert ugly word here) tear down my M.

Today I can still say it is not the A, is was brief and w someone really beneath me, tho it did violate something precious between us, it's not the emotional scare that won't heal.

I have replace my love language with angry words toward my H, but yet these words seem to have a great passion of their own.

I am ready to move on, away from him, but am I ready to let go? That seems to be the last step in truly knowing when your done.

I speak as if there is no hope...I'm protecting myself...I believe there is no hope. I don't feel M, I do feel cared for, protected, but not M to the L of my life, so no H it's not enough for me.

Snodderly,

Good morning, I am okay, but not at my best. UR is right, there is an air of sadness about me, it's not all consuming, but it is a part of me.

Urworthy,

Thank you, your words are very calming and right on target w what I need to hear. I pray you are doing well and your son.

~~~I'm struggle w how H will be home at night now, 8 yrs after I cried for him to make the change for me.

I asked him this morning...why did you quit your job, he didn't want to talk about it, but said he has some guilt feelings.

I believe the reason comes in several parts...he was really frustrated w the new work load...tho I know he would have endured.

He told me days leading up to this that he wanted to be done w EA and this would be the way to not have to look her up, because he wouldn't be stuck north of the city between gigs.

So is it ok that he had to literally leave to leave her? Does it count...has anyone gone thru this and it made the difference?

Then there is the slightest thought that he left also because of my date. Tho he has done nothing impressive or concrete could this be his way of "choosing me" for lack of better explanation.

I believe the answer is a combination of them all, and maybe he really doesn't know for sure.

LIke I said, he came home, declared having left his anger, EA, and bad attitude there at the job. He said he is "home" and I made sure he defined "home" and as he did, he also throw in about bring up his L for me again.

OMG! what do I want? Well, I thought I was throwing out my H and ending my R of 24yrs, once again he beat me and throw me thru the loop.

hey hi dawn-

yeah- it's a tricky one isn't it? this business of laying down and dying before you can chop him outof equation.

i am not sure what it all means. i'd think he isn't sure what it all means- and then, of coures, why in the world would you know what it all means?

after all- this is a man with troubles, telilng you it's his way of providing a solution. idk-

you know me- you'll rue the day you ever said to me to "sit still and wait for wisdom". it's all i got-

i'm feeling really stinkin done myself- it's all we have.

after allllll this time and agony on your part- now, IF your h has come to some sort of epiphany - or whateverthehell it is- donja have to give it a whirl?

well- just stay open in mind one bit- while he "shows you" what he's got?

idk- it's soooo insane. i'm sorry you're not at your best.

i hope it asses - you're sure right about buying into the life you thought you had- me too- lock, stock & barrel.

i've spent soooolong allowing it to be the biggest part of me- and thinking it was the best thing in my life (this r tht i do not have) - it's hard to reverse. i'm workin on it- still plugging along.

like you- not sure really now how i feel - and how i'll ever feel in future. i want more- you want more- we all want more.

THEN I THINK - eeeek- this sounds a heck of alot like THEM- want more, other guy ismakin us mserable - etc.

it's a funny thing- perspective - isn't it?

glumb day here- my mothr is like those hands popping out of the ground in a graveyard in a cheesy monster movie - grabbing your ankle - holding you back- sucking you down.

slept lousy last nite thinking about going BACK there. eeeeeeek

i think i can managhe anotehr weeek here before h begins (maybe) to pressure me -

if he wasn't such a screamer and A$$hole whenever it comes to discussing anything in the universe - i'd be alot less hesitant to jump in and state my intentions- needs - plans.

instead i gotta get that lame ole "you're indecisive" junk.

yeah- well something about finding yourself living with a stinkin nazi that has giant notions of everything and how it's GOT TO GO or the world comes to an end- that sorta takes the desire away to share one's insights, opinions, preferences, etc.

ya think.

i hope you gt a bit perked up- REMEMBER - WE ARE IN fact alive, sane and well and looking forward to our futures in the sense of "when this is ALLLLLOVER and just a bad memory"

we can do it -

oh yeah- gotta add my perennial thought that i would give quite alot to hear "i'm done with ow" or anyhthing even approaching it-

it's SOMETHIN - (rather big in my world anyway)

GOTTA WAIT TO see what he means by it- and then to see what you do with it - huh???

xxoo

Hey dawn. I think your question is one you need to answer. What is it that you want?

If you decide that you would like to see where this goes with your h, then you have to be prepared for a few things.

I agree that the reason he quit his job may be a combination of those things you said.

And really, it doesnt matter that he had to leave his job in order to leave her. Remember, he is in crisis. They can barely think straight.

Sometimes, when they are faced with a date like the one you gave him, it could jolt them into realizing that they may really lose you.

And that it is something they do not want.

But that doesnt mean he is out of the woods yet. And so, you need to get yourself together, figure out what you want and be prepared for some stuff.

He is likely going to have some withdrawal from the ow. He is likely going to be a bit depressed.

Your job is still to give him space and work on you. He needs to figure this out for himself.

If you decide to give him a chance, you have to be strong here, sweetie.

This part isnt for the faint of heart.

So, sit with all this for a bit. Roll it around in your head.

And you might have to ask TVS for some popcorn.

We are here for you.

Dawn,

yes, it does seem that your h has changed his mind overnight, so I wouldn't get my hopes up too much, but at the same time, I'd give him credit for making an attempt.

If ea really is an addiction, then maybe quitting his job and not being in the same town as her is what he needed to do to break away.

It's not Sept 1 yet, so keep being patient and see what happens. If you think he's only doing/saying this to avoid moving out, you can deal with it then.

If he really does want to make your marriage work, he'll be willing to go to counseling, talk about things, etc.

Just take it day by day and take care of yourself first. You are very strong and you'll survive and thrive, no matter what happens.

Dawn,
Who knows why these mlcers do what they do. But in my book you never know something until you try. How do you not try? I think you still need to give him space and let him figure things out.

I am at a similar point as you. My h is all over the place. Wants to work on it doesn't want to. I finally had to say that's it. You have been at this a long time too! I can definitely see how you finally had to draw the line, as did I.

If my h would decide he wanted to work on things right before the d is final I still would try.

Stay true to your boundaries.

We are all here pulling for you either way. We all want what you want. You went through this process for you.

Good luck Dawn!

Dawn Marie "OMG! what do I want? Well, I thought I was throwing out my H and ending my R of 24yrs, once again he beat me and throw me thru the loop."

Nero "after allllll this time and agony on your part- now, IF your h has come to some sort of epiphany - or whateverthehell it is- donja have to give it a whirl?"

You sound so sad Dawn. I'm sorry that you gathered up all of your emotional stamina, took a deep breath, and gave H a deadline, and then he took the wind out of your sails but dumping EA and coming home. It took a lot of courage to do what you did.�

uR is right, - the proper question at this time is "what do I want?" but Nero is right too. This is what you've been working so hard to accomplish. So I say, give it some time my friend. Stand back and see what happens. Sept. 1st isn't for another month, and a month in MLC is like a year for a normal person I think!

Nero "i hope you gt a bit perked up- REMEMBER - WE ARE IN fact alive, sane and well and looking forward to our futures in the sense of "when this is ALLLLLOVER and just a bad memory""

Yup that's right Nero. By hook or by crook, I'm going to be free if this miserable man I live with. He'll either wake up and return to earth, or I'm instituting Plan B.

hey dawn-

just checkin in. hope all is okey-dokey in dawnland. it's sure an up and down thing with your H.

as usual- i'd take a "sign" any sign - a show of life "in there". an indication (of whatever wacky sort) that there was something going on in his head and heart - anything at all.

at least you know your h is in there som ewhere- or at least that a "person" is in there. if he can feel pain & confusion- he's still alive i reckon.

what i get is nada. i know it's better than a load of "bad" - it's not better than signs of communication - of anything- JUST WHAT'S INSIDE HIM.

YA KN OW- THIS BUSINESS OF THE JOB AND EA AT same time. it's occurs to me that somehow- my whole THING here is tied up with my h and his mlc- but also with my mother. she's so like him in mny ways- or he's so like her- somehow it is all bunched up together. i can't disentangle them. maybe somehow it's like that with your H - the job- location- her- etc. - IT'S ALLLL become so intrtwangled - the only ting he can think of is getting "free of IT " AND that is what came to mind. ditch it all- everything about it- all associations, etc.

i personally- frequently fantacize about running away (AND IT'S ALWAYS FROM BOTH OF THEM AND THEIR SITCHS AND THE INsanity they produce in me- WHATEVER THE HELL it is they want from me- it's becoming TOOOOO MUCH. I FEEL like they're hanging on my ankles and i'm trying to run away from smeting dangerous. hard to do with two huge honkers hanging on to you.

just my THOUGHT DU JOUR - if it's all tangled up together- it's still a gesture on his part - trying to shed it. maybe huh??

mostly i'm perfectly sane i think - so who knows how these giant emotional burdens get linked in such a desperate way? i feel desperate sometimes (lack of sleep usually_ ) but it's big and it's real. i'd like out of that all if i could figure out how realistically. (but- i also realize i'm lonely all alone and might miss either of them if they died tomorrow) it's never easy- hey- maybe i'm a spirit-mate of your h? wanting to quit a bad addiction that is hurting me- but still hard to let go of?

EVEN A KNOCK down - drag out- would leave me feeling like we evern "touched base "with ECH other - rather than just superfically floating along- nothing going deeper than the surface.

i'm not hardly believing anymore there is anything inside this guy. and i thnk of him once - a few years ago - saying I have no PASSION. CRIPES - I HAVE SOM UCH I'M SCREAMING AND YUELLING EVERY DAY ABOUT SOCIAL injustice, loads of causes, loads of people i know who need a friend- support- etc.

i got nothin but - i think sometimes. i'd like some neutrality and ability to not have emotional waves crashing out of me constantly-

go figure- maybe i don't know what the word means - "passion".

now- i think it must mean desire to jump his bones and be bold and obvious about it. hard to want to when you're gttin NOTIONG in return in life in general- well, let me alter that to noting but BAD TREATMENT AND JUNK day to day.

go figure huh?

''stay still and the answers will drop in your lap. Impatience is our enemy''

I bored this from Linda, where it was passed down from another wise women.

It's just about all I got right now. I have no feelings for H as he slugs into the couch after a long work weekend.

I am not impressed by any move he may have made by leaving his permanent job, nor by how he's very detached from me, tho I am also very detached from him.

I don't L him anymore so really the ball is in his court. I would be receptive to giving it that last chance, but I am not expecting or counting on it.

A man who gives himself to a woman whole heartily, can turn her heart toward loving him even more.

Also, when a women stops loving you, good luck getting that back!

~~Nero,

Passion, my H said the same thing and I just read about it on another thread here. If they are all after something passionate, full of life and heart moving they could have just turned to (in my case) their equally as bored spouse and kicked it up a few notches.

I was bored too, in a rut as a lot of people M as long as I was. My H wanted passion but at least your admits he's not passionate.

My H can't give or find something he himself does not posses. Dorky, nerdy, quirky guys are not passionate, they're odd and enduring, fun and simple.

You do have a load with H and your mom. Don't let their issues deviate from what Nero needs. Believe I get the runaway feelings.

~~I will wait, Sep is a long way away in MLC land, and SBR your right he would start talking, at least as the date approaches.

~~Complicate, thanks stay true to my boundaries is the only thing that helps me get thru this.

~~Ur, what do I want? Still working on that everyday! Right now I want what I may not want tomorrow so I'm just as confused.

Thanks everyone!

hey hi-

naw man- my h doesn't KNOW he's not pasionate - apparently he thinks he is- what a load huh? he's about as passionate as a lump of tar...

yet quirky & interesting is okay too- oh well- they don't gt it that no one alive is perfect - them included

Nero,

I read that wrong, I thought you were saying h admits to having no passion. Funny how our lumps of tar, that's being kind, think so much of themselves.

He was the one follow me, pursuing me, I first laughed ( being only 21) at the nerd who's jaw dropped when he saw me.

Now, I'm the one who can't quicken him when he's returning back to a lump.

Sorry, pick up your own big boy pants this time buddy.

You do for sure sound like a very passionate person, why else would you be here fighting and standing!

oh man-

talk about standing and WHY BVOTHER????? yes - ta da - a really good day in the hood here.
\
THIS A.M- i pick up jake (1.2 yr) - he's got pneumonia and home frmo daycare - so we're here, had a walk - h went to see old aunt-& is going to play tennis too.

so jake & i are here & he comes in- just kind of mulches around- and then says very casually- "you know, if you want to stay down here longer and you want to consider the other option - and you'll let me go - uh - visit" that would be okay

soooo - this stinking thing i've been waiting on - ker plop - and just when i thought we'd safely navigated my stay with no giant THING - IT HAPPENS and for me - still no total indifference wtf????/ . i didn't go bonkers, or even raise my voice or anything- i think i said - "I just don't know - i hate it as you know - and been doing my best to be "neutral" - but honestly- the thought of me just telling you to go off to screw your girlfriend - the words just stick in my throat. we both know you'll do what you want- you always do". exit me

idk dawn- inside i am NEVER COOL in an emergency. i'm never "ready" it seems and i'm Never on top of this entire sitch. and i thnk of all the detachment stuff we all tell each other- i can't imagine total detachment and still bothering to stand. and how i appear to him- i can't even imagine.

probably a pathetic stinking cow.

there's MY dislike FOR THE PERSON HE seems to be now - which enables me to be "cooler" a bit- but i've got a really bad feeling that tho i'm not bleeding or radbid - ; only totally not being able to stand this guy and wanting him out of my life forever - totally- no backs (hate) - is what will make me "detached" ENOUGH.

i cannot (still apparently) get over him being able to say rite to my face this, like it's no big deal. and what's with the "You'll let me go" crap. like i have any choice or power here.
\

so - tho i thought i'd deal with it when it came (better) - i can't imagine sitting here in his stinkin house while he's up there. and then what? greeting him at the door _ "oh hello darling- did you have a wonnnnnderful time????

and what? make him a sandwich for the drive- like - what the f am i anyway. nothing to him and that is FOR SURE.

I thnk of you knowing your h sees ow regularly- and you know and how you must feel with that - and how far over the lines it's pushed you- i see, i really do. i cann't imagine how you endure it.

SOOOO - RATHER FEELS LIKE LIFE IN THE TOILET AT THIS MOMENT HERE- NOT THAT I HAD ANY NOTION ANYTHING WAS DIFFERENT- IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER SEE MYSELF GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO. (apparently)

AND LIKE YOU - IM THINKING the only way to deal with it all is to not know about it all- BUT - when i'm in nj I still know. the only way i will not know is total global nuclear war and me disappearing and/or cutting him out of my life totally..

than- yeah, i know- need that REAL JOB , etc. this [censored]. finances, eetc. homelessness, poverty, etc...

i was thinking i'd be a bit more "cool" in my head & insides about this. not like i wasn't expecting it. not like i thought it was alllll gone.

i'm sick of trying to read signs and stfu and waiting and waiting and waiting.....

i know i will continue- rite now i hate myself for allowing me to even remember how lonely it feels all alone - no kidding. this is icky as hell- "the devil you know" kinda thing. GOD - so like poor old linda- we're all supposed to be acting like it's okay- like all as if - like we got lives - like we don't give a darn - etc.

so like - blew that i guess - I was going to say WHATEVER - AND TOTALLY didn't even remember. and i shouldn't have responded at all rite??? oh man- this being perfect thing stinks- i'm just not.

SO, LIKE what the heck am i supposed to be telling myself? be glad it's only once every two or three or so weeks???/ be glad it's not every day or nite at work or after???

the thing is this- this kind of compartmentalization and bs can go on forever. i can really see now - that taking myself out of his life is the only thing that will stop the madness. i just hate that it will make me feel bad and my life lonely and succkie and not his. well, not that i'll know. well, change that back- i don't think he'll give a rats you know- he'll be glad for one less "complication" in his life. honestly- i'm thinking it.

he said other day he's "relieved" to have his dad gone and not have to run there - oh man- .....

i think honestly- he'll exist without me toooooo long for me to be "there" at the end, if there is one - when he realizes how very much i mean to hm- in his life, and so on.

i do believe it's there- i don't believe he'll know or acknowledge it ever.

okay- thanks for listening to my rant. will endeavor to not talk for rest of my life - (to him) and so on. oh well- another day in paradise huh???

i got a bad feeling you and i are going to have to affirmatively seek alternate mates. this is a icky thought for me- but i like company & companionship- and i cannot see how it will drop in my lap besides working somewhere with alot of people. honestly- are you going to do an online dating thing? ever??? do you contemplate it? have you looked at them.

i've always swore i wouldn't- but i' m looking at my mother and two divorced sisters- and i'd like a bit more thanks.

not that i'm criticizing them- i'm just NOT THEM.

TA DA- SO MUCH FOR ME AND PRINCIPLeS HUH? this afternoon should be a real pleasure around here. hope he stays away all day- i'm sure he will- playing with his "real friends".

oh mannnnn..

xxo

Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.

Congratulations on your new grandson Dawn Marie.

"I don't L him anymore so really the ball is in his court. I would be receptive to giving it that last chance, but I am not expecting or counting on it.
A man who gives himself to a woman whole heartily, can turn her heart toward loving him even more.
Also, when a women stops loving you, good luck getting that back! "

I hope and pray that your H does turn his heart back to you my friend, and that he successfully turns yours back to loving him again. I think you really do love him on some level. I hate to see you in such pain, sounding so down. Maybe the new baby will bring H back down to earth.

DAWN -

OMG -

Quote:

Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.

BEST OF LUCK AND PRAYE4S GOING U[P THRE TO YOU ALL FOR BABY AND MOM & EVERYONE.

XXOO love ya man

Congratulations. Hope everything goes well......babies are a beautiful gift!!!!

Thank you for you well wishes!

He is a beautiful bouncing baby boy! Mom and my S are doing well. They're older than when I had my first S so they will be fine!

He has a very easy soft cry and is very content most of the time. My D19, S24, and H are all the same way, very quiet, and easily left to themselves.

I am excited for the new challenges. I need one now, my whole family has something new they are facing and I am still the cheerleader on the side making sure their lives are good.

I need to fine something for myself. Make changes for me that grow and meld with all the other changes.

I did set a new boundary. H started to hug me again last night after a good day so I let it ride, I thought we can end a great day on a good note. I was keeping my heart open, Linda, but my head in the game.

He wanted to ML this morning and I put the boundary out there saying, when the time is right I won't have the need to hesitate, we have a ways to go. He handled it fine, and went to make coffee for us both.

I feel good about drawing my own line...our future is not good and I wouldn't want to give him any mixed signals for him to misinterpret

What great news Dawn!

Baby AND H! Congratulations all around! It's nice to hear you sounding so calm and happy. Not ML prematurely is a great boundary. Plus the way you did it is perfect - not cutting him off forever, just saying that you'll know when the time is right. I'm glad HE is still interested!

Hi Dawn!
Congratulations on the new addition to the family. Have they selected a name for the little one yet?

I hope things will settle down as I think this little one is a true blessing to you and your family. Enjoy him as much as you can. Babies are so sweet!

Oh hi dawn-

yay and congratulations. on alllll counts. you're sounding great- i'm so happy for you adn for that. good boundaries and good results- i'm jealous as usual- good kind, not bad one.

yay and i think baby a huge auspicious sign- call me a hopeless romantic and pollyanna -

while i'm cautious to the end- i'm seeing light at the end of your tunnel maybe- huge maybe i know so do n't go proposing tonite okay??? (joke)

love ya man and i share your happiness.

this baby will REMIND everyone of the important things in life- who knows- maybe your H will all of a sudden reclaim his brain & values (from baby hyeas & some wonder will seep into his being-

a person can hope - can't she?

xxoooo ((( )))

Hi Dawn! That sounds wonderful. Keep enforcing your boundaries. He has to win you back. You may see that you still love him and it was hidden, or you may find that it is too much to come back from but you need to give it time. You've waited this long.

Congrats also on being a grandma. That is so awesome. You can spoil them and give them back. I'm not there yet but I do look forward to it when the time is right. Enjoy that little guy! They grow up so fast.

Thanks again!

Baby with no name is doing well and my S is learning alot. He goes home with GF tomorrow and S will stay a while I'm sure.

H has had some good parts of himself showing, he asked me to join him for a dvd, last night and he woke up early to clean house before work.

It was a good glimpse for the last 2 days, and now it's over, I think.

He should have been home by now, but who knows until we know for sure.

I am still ok with him leaving 9/1 and I think we will be better for it. I don't want his negativity around us, or him living on my couch.

I'm still sure of what I want and even when he's been nice the last two days, he doesn't have enough character for me. I also felt last night how the closeness and innocence of it all is soo gone.

Everyday I am trying to better myself and move forward, but I am still searching for my own path.

heyhi-

glad about baby and congrats. glad and sad to hear you know you're still "done" -

funny how easy it is for me to look at you and your sitch and your resolve and think it's good - and then not have courage myself to just jump in (or out) as the case may be.

i wanted to say that I believe it will be very good to see how your h reacts and acts when he's truly "lost" you - even if it's temporary- and how that will make him feel.

i can't give my h that credit- i'm not sure anymore what is in side him. isn't it amazing it's sooooooo easy to theororize about someone elses life - and soooo hard to see the forest for the trees...

oh well- me- like hansel and gretel and the darn crumb trail- i'm lost in the woods-

we'll see if the old witch eats me or the woodsman saves me-

toss up-

(hey- appropriate huh? my mom (witch) or my h (woodsman)

this could be very freudian here-

xxoo love ya man and hang in tehre- you're sounding very very good these days. im so glad.

Week one H quit his job� in that week we had a grandson, H was available and present, we prayed, had family dinner at a restaurant, movie time, he slept at home every night, and we had conversation.

H had blocked EA�it was a good week.

Fri. night, H is MIA after a gig, I locked the screen door when at midnight I hear it being pulled. I say who is that, H replies it�s me, I said why are you here, what do you want!

He said he went to the N side for closure. He cleaned out his stuff from the night job, picked up a check, and saw EA at the bar to tell her to stop using others phone to call him, that they were no longer friends.

That he now see�s that she uses him for his money, car, and food. That she is a terrible alkie who is way too much trouble. And, to stop texting me pretending he�s w her partying because he has been home w me all week.

He says if it�s too little to late I understand, and I will go. I told him to keep talking before I decide anything while I had the door closed behind me standing on the porch w him.

He said he now see�s what he was doing, tho he saw he didn�t see before?! He said he is trying to come home, tho he�s not sure what to do or how he will be content.

He is still struggling w his failures and lack of enthusiasm for life.

He says he likes me, and see�s he may loose me, but believes he would deserve it. Then he asks if I could be patient.

Needless to say I let him in, and told him this is not me the fool, this is me still standing my ground and I am not easily impressed. He said I know you have no reason to believe me.

If I still want him out by 9/1 he will go, and not make threats about the $$$, but he is trying for the future.

A friend of EA�s called this morning and H said in front of me, I have let her go, I�m done with her and I am done w you too, they hung up on him.

He disclosed who it was to me.

Ok, so that�s his plan! What�s mine? Anyone got a crystal ball? I guess for now I am patient! Wait, watch, and keep moving forward!

I said no more sleeping on my couch, it's embracing, dirty, and uninviting for anyone else to enjoy.

I said my house will be a home again, this baby will come to a pleasant loving surrounding.

Stay detached, but yet not to unattached, yea Nero your right about that one, huh

We talked a little before both falling over from extreme exhaustion.

What kind of person do I want to spend the rest of my life w, could H ever measure up? Besides his "in" does/will he have something to offer me?

We have a name for the grandson!

~~Jayce

it means Healer-aka Jace- other way to spell it. No pressure baby!

Can one baby grow up to heal many...!

Dawn,
You are doing very well. You've set your boundaries and you've told your h what you expect in the way of your home and surroundings. Now, it will be up to him whether he does the work and proves to you that he wants to be a better husband and father. He now needs to win you back. Right now, he's making the right moves, but let's see how long they last. I am praying that he continues to move forward and doesn't look back. I'm praying that the EA accepts that it is over and doesn't try to contact him or you again. But most importantly, I praying that you and your h will be able to work things out and enjoy the life you are suppose to have w/your family and the new little one.

I love the name of the grandbaby. It's different, but the mean of name is very special. Who knows...one baby just might grow up to be a healer.

Enjoy your day!

good luck dearie-

i'm just blasting thru- should be packing junk up. g onna have those two kids mon,tue & wed- nary a spare moment i think for this - so it's got to ben ow.

yet here i am stalling- OH GOD - YOU'D THINK i'd give up the procrastination thing.

xxoo will be back soemtime or later.

you sounmd good- so unds like you did good so far with h and new turn of events.

best of luck- you deservei t- my fingers are crossed - cautiously optimistic (highlight eh cautious)

but hey- it's what we're "standing"f or- isn't it???

xxoo

Dawn, I guess it is really true that the lbs gets the last decision about whether they want the spouse back.

You still have about three weeks to see how things are going and if your h needs to move out. Right now it seems like he's talking and starting to figure out what he's done wrong.

You sound cautious, as you should be, but you wouldn't have come on this site if you hadn't wanted another chance with him, so just try to enjoy each day and see what happens.

Dawn, I'm reading your sitch and I think that you've been doing this a very long time. I think if you set boundaries and have no expectations, then you are in a good spot. If he comes to you, and meets your needs then great. If not, then you can move on. I think in many cases we must be willing to risk separating and divorce in order to save the marriage. If you know what you want, stated it as your boundaries, then I think you're in a good position regardless of what he decides. Good luck.

ya know dawn-

ikeep coming here- having something to say and then can't quite put my finger on it- i guess you're just inmy thoughts a hell of alot and i keep wanting to just check in and say - hey.

wierd and wierder. anyway- for what it' s worth- i'm with ya on th wh ole wait qietly and hope for wisdom ( or somet hing)

since neither of us have mr wonderful in the wings whispering in our ear to dump old sour puss and come away with them-

we can do it- idk - i'm wacky & unfocused- but thinking aobu tyou and your'r doing quite great for such a up and down sitch.

hang on- love to you and baby& everyone. such a joysou occasion.

idk- im' outtq here.

xxoo

Hi all,

Your all right in saying I am to stay back, be cautious and let him win me back.

Winning me back is not on his agenda just yet. I really think I am still dealing w a person who is so depressed he doesn't know which way to turn.

He told someone the other day how much he hates himself, he want's to suffer. I stayed quiet as he said he didn't want to be here anymore, my thoughts were, here on earth H?

He's a hot mess and never going to get better w/o help and meds.

Days off are spent in despair, depressed and angry about what he can't have in life. Good days are spent talking about all the things he's going to do on days off to improve his life.

I am not on that cycle. Today he throw his sandwich down the stairs and said you don't understand my anger, D19 spat "I don't give a F***" when he realized she was even in the room at the time he started to clean up real quick.

So was the theatrics for me. He told her he wasn't talking to her, and I said well I think she summed it up real well.

I don't want this. As I continue to say he can leave today. When there is not H there what am I holding on to, I can hold a memory better when he's not here squashing it.

I have not concerns of loosing him as there is nothing left to loose, I grieved the loss a long time ago.

I provide him a safe, clean, loving environment, he is a creature of comfort, but he is trying to gnaw his own hands off at the thought of being here, literally. Eating everything in site, lazy, and then speaking one word sentences with a long face of despair.

Tomorrow he works a gig, and will be "turned on" until he slows down again.

I am doing a wonderful job at living my life, doing everything I love again and more. I have started cooking big meals again as the weather has broke, and am stashing away every extra dime.

Spent the day getting D19 ready for class, kissed the baby and made plans for tomorrow even. Today H's friend said H is truly a bless man, to bad for him.

He knows it he says, he just can't enjoy it!

Nero, I wish you could contact me when you feel you have something to say.

I am in a good position regardless of what he decides SailingAlone, and even if I am the one to decide.

hey hiya dawn-

you're sounding sooooo in control and calm - i'm soo happy for you & good new attitude.

Quote:

I have not concerns of loosing him as there is nothing left to loose, I grieved the loss a long time ago.

I provide him a safe, clean, loving environment, he is a creature of comfort, but he is trying to gnaw his own hands off .....and then speaking one word sentences with a long face of despair.

oh mannnn - your pma is soo strong & good sounding despite such a bunch of real dreary - bs to deal with. i'm sooo sorry for your H - what a miserable & unhappy man he sounds like and i share your frustrtion- witout somekidn of signigicant help or medication- you are soundignso like you've got this under control in yourh ead &h eart - and that's huge.

good to hear ya - gladyou're gtoing about your life-

eek

jake has a dirty diaper and needs bottle and taylor is jacking me around touching things she knows she shouldn't- oiy

back later

xxoo

Dawn,
You sound so much more settled, i.e., calm. I think you are beginning to find your way again and if you are fixing big meals again, that's a sign you are digging yourself out of the dark hole.

How is the little one doing? Are you getting spoiling the little one? They are so innocent and loving at that age because you hate for them to grow up and experience the world as it is today. Love the little one as much as you can because they sure do grow up fast.

As for your h, the drama was all for you. He was acting like a spoiled little boy who was throwing a hissy fit. I'm glad your daughter spoke up. It brought him back to the present and I'm sure he wasn't too happy that she heard him.

Please try to enjoy your day.

Hi Dawn,

Just popping in to say hi & to offer my support.

Sounds like you are in control of yourself (this is good!!). Please take the time to decide what you really want. Allow H to prove to you his intentions.

Congrats on Jayce !!!

Magic

Thanks Magic, he is cutie!

More drama last night, h didn't come home when his gig was over at 6 pm. He went drinking with some guys and then parked outside old night job to sleep in the car.

We spoke at midnight as his drama was in full force saying he can't live here anymore, he doesn't know how to be in our home around the family. He hates it here. I said ok, move out.

Later that night he calls me back angry, because i guess i was agreeing he should leave, asking if he should come home.

I said I will not answer that! But, you will not leave your stuff here if you don't live here, at least your immediate needs and tools must be picked up. He said no, I'll just leave, I chuckle, Ok h do what you have to do, your in the car, I'm in our bed
It's 2am and the grand baby is coming tomorrow, so I'm getting my rest.

I get a text this morning...morning early Dawn, I just need to keep working and I will be ok, just keep working or I will not be right in my mind, I can't handle this anymore. I'm at work now!

I did decided it was nice here last night w/o him, I woke up at peace, he woke up from the back of his SUV with hide away seats. What am I complaining about, I didn't do anything, nor am I being punished.

Snodderly, your right, cooking is a great sign for me, I like being nurturing and love presenting a big meal, it all about me. Baby is great, my son has been staying with mom helping out better than some H's have ever done, I have to say my h was excellent tho. Those two have risen above a not so traditional circumstance and are making it work for baby!

Yesterday's over today will bring it's own challenges!

Dawn do you mean that H has started working at his night job again, or that he was just sleeping in the car over there? I think you handled this drama pretty darn well. Typical that he got angry when you agreed that he should leave when he said he hates it at your house and he can't live with your family.

My H has said that to me a couple of times. The first time I cried, but now I just say "I'm sorry you feel like that." "Okay move out" may or may not be good DBing, but I think that was a great answer

I feel sort of sorry for your H Dawn, he sounds like he is really losing it. Poor guy. I'm glad he has you for his anchor, and I hope that he makes the right decisions and tries to woo you back before you are completely done!

I'm glad you had a nice night sleeping alone. Alone does not necessarily mean lonely right?

Hi Linda,

No, alone is not always lonely, but heck I am a youngish viable women and am not sure how long I want to continue to be alone without my SO while my kids all have theirs around. When did I become the 3rd wheel?

He is not back at the job, he is only hanging outside of it an seeking refuge or familiarity, he called it ''he's panicking" because he doesn't have anything stead to replace the steadiness of it.

He's a puppy who's been put out for being naughty and is curled up a ball next to something comforting. It's a fricken brick building for heaven sakes. He's not home again today.

Grandson brought his parents over for lunch today. My S still lives here but I treated it as a new homecoming for everyone. It was nice, and h missed it all to hang out!

I am DBing still, not all my words sound like it but my H has a extreme tolerance for my truth, he prefers when I am strong.

You continue to be strong Dawn, I'm very impressed!

H is massively confused and spinning. Doesn't know how to move forward through the tunnel.

I know you will continue to be there for him, because that's what a loving spouse is supposed to do. Probably what he would've done for you, had the tables been turned.

I know the DB wisdom says that they have to figure everything out for themselves, but I truly believe some can't do it without help. I wonder what would happen if you requested, maybe even demanded, that he seeks help. He may be looking to you for that truth and strength right now.

At the very least it's worth a shot before you give up.

Remember to reward positive behavior.

I know the DB wisdom says that they have to figure everything out for themselves, but I truly believe some can't do it without help. I wonder what would happen if you requested, maybe even demanded, that he seeks help. He may be looking to you for that truth and strength right now.

~FY, you know this is not a bad idea. We were mulling around the idea of going to a male clinic when I explained to him that the commercial for Ageless Male is only touching the surface of low testosterone. He was showing interest in learning more about how this could be affecting his strength and moods, but I agree he also needs mental guidance from a professional.

At this point I don't know what I'm dealing with, and I cannot get to involved for my own sake. He is going to have to come to me. I cannot jump in the fire again, today's MLC seems to be a different/new twist that I can honestly say scares me. This one is too bold, and smarter, and has learned a few things over the yrs.

~ H is still Mia, tho he did go to work yesterday, he never came home again. His text said he's in panic mode and being home makes him worse.

He has a last minute call today but nobody can get a hold of him to let him know. His client called me as my cell is the "office" line looking for him.

This is way too much for me to want to get anywhere near, this is not like last time were I was all emotion without thought, I am very coherent and know that this fire is hot.

I actually prefer he not come home, he has enough clothes I guess if he can get them washed, but he is missing a lot of his work gear he cannot replace just by walking in a hardware store.

If he shows up I'm not sure what to do, I guess let it play out and see what part of him he brings, he was insistent last we spoke that I take care of the home and enjoy the family, the checks will keep showing up direct deposit.

This is a deep fall he has taken backward and I'm afraid he's never going to come out of this. When he says he can live in the street, and sleep in our SUV, I see him becoming and alcoholic homeless man eventually losing everything about himself.

I know who you are and what I am, keep it that way. Let Him who is above judge me on your behalf. I want to see how much damage he wants to do to me while hurting you as well. You, me, family, these things are not so important to me anymore.

This is the time for the really good to hold ground. And, this is time for good-bad to pierce that ground even tho he looses himself.

This was a text I received from H that has been MIA for 4 days now. WTF! Please, I look forward to hear what anyone else hears in this, other than the pain of a lost man.

He sounds like he's home drunk with a bottle in one hand and a bible in the other.

Dawn,

This is getting a little scary. I may be totally wrong but it sounds to me like he is in a very bad place. I'm don't want to alarm you but a I have a very good friend whose h was talking kind of crazy stuff. After running away from his family he went to visit his old friends all over the country (later she found out that he was saying goodbye). He lived in his car and was even arrested for trying to outrun the state patrol in Nevada. A few months after he came home, he went into the garage and took his life. Of course his bizarre behavior took place over a period of about 6-8 years so it wasn't that he just flipped out and did something that wasn't well planned out.

You could probably interrupt his text is a few different ways. He refers to God as if he's putting his life in His hands and then his comment about seeing how much damage He wants to do to me while hurting you sounds like a man who doesn't care if he lives or dies and knows that it will hurt you. He says that his family isn't important to him. Another reason to be concerned.

Not knowing your h's mental past it's hard to know what he's thinking. If it's just drama, which I hope it is, then he may show up. His cry for help is obvious. It's just a question of what will he do about Would you even know where to begin to look for him?

I hope that I'm totally off in my thinking here but having gone through this with my gf I know the pain that he must have gone through and then the guilt that she went through after.

Take care of yourself and follow your gut on this one. You know your h better than anyone else.

Dawn,

I am glad to read that you are sounding stronger. Because I think you will need that strength. After reading about your H's latest and that text I share NLT's concerns.

This sounds beyond MLC drama and it sounds like this is greater than simply a marriage issue. This sounds dangerous. Now you do know your H well. But it sounds like he needs assistance. Dawn is there anyone you can refer him to or any resource in your area that can assist you in persuading him to get that help?

I recognize that you cannot force him to do anything or go anywhere and I absolutely understand how you fear getting involved. But trust your gut and if it seems that his behaviour is beyond the drama, maybe seeking help as any of us would for anyone truly desperate may be in order.

I feel for both of you. Not any of us should feel like nothing matters.

Well Mr Bond, I love the male perspective on this thread. You were just about right!

~ H had run away in despair over quitting his job. He went on a drinking, pot smoking binge for those days and lived in his car, which smells like a homeless man.

He parked around the corner last night and asked me if he could come home, while saying dont let me come home. He wanted me to punish him I guess. I walked around until I found him crouched in his car still talking to me, he was pathetic, didn't see me for a while.

We had a long talk last night about his actions and my boundaries, and this morning he opened up about his past, his pain, jealously, revenge, faith, and what he's accepting now as a problem in his present.

He admitted to being a work a workaholic in order to keep his mind busy so he doesn't have to face life, he just can't deal with the disappointments in life, and as he spilled lemon aid he says see, I just want a drink nothing goes right.

I couldn't help but laugh and say your such a cry baby, and he laughed saying I see that!

I do see these things about myself, I do hear what I'm saying these days. Sometimes, I don't even mean it, or I speak not really having heard the question in full, so I sound dumb. There is still some goodness in me, I'm not really a bad guy!

So today is a new day I guess! Stepping back these last few days was good for me, I didn't get depressed over nothing, and nothing really happend. I enjoyed my family and made a mean stew in the crockpot. H came home just I time for leftovers and is loving what he missed out on!

To be continued! I did tell him we are at the end of this, it's been too long!

Thanks NLT and Portia, reading your words last night helped me keep my cool when he did finally show up, really, I needed that, I sincerely thank you!

Drama, ladies, that what it is, but to him it is very real, and painful. This is the first time he admits to being in pain, and hurting for a long time, good step!

My best to you, dm!

oh Dawn, yes, you're right. We can see that it's all a lot of drama because we are healthy, but to your H, it is VERY real and VERY painful. It sounds as if you got really really strong while he was gone all those days, instead of falling apart like you might have once. You are doing so great Dawn.

I know that you truly love your H and want to help him to get out of this mess of a MLC. That he finally admitted that he is in pain IS a good first step. He recognizes that you are his lifeline to reality, not the loser alkie. Do you think he will try to get some help now, or does he have a plan? Maybe he would talk to your pastor?

Hang in Dawn, you are doing great.

Dawn,

Thanks for updating. I'm thankful he is okay and that he's opening up a little. This has been and will continue to be a difficult journey for him. He seems to rely on you for so much of his sanity! LOL A port in the storm is not what we really want to be but it works in the short term.

I pray that he continues to move forward and finds a way to deal with this without the crutches (pot and alcohol) that he's using now to mask and avoid facing his demons.

I love that you are cooking again. I am right there with you. Cooking has is the most relaxing and rewarding activity that I can think of. Well, maybe there are a few others

but it's right there near the top.

Keep doing what you're doing with your h...it appears to have had some effect on him.

Great job Dawn. You just keep the home fire burning, (with those mean pots of stew!) and let H know you believe in him. He really seems to be looking to you for guidance right now... a good sign!

Hi everyone! Happy Monday! I'm going to move forward today and put last week away!

H is looking for something from me.

Sanity....he has said I am his way back.
Guidance...he does trust me more than anyone else, ever!
Lifeline...he calls me a string.

He has also said I am the light he can turn around and count on when he's in the darkness.

So, what do I do with all of that? What's in it for me, what am I getting in return, better yet what do I want?

Not much right now. If we can maintain just a little of what we have right now, no EA, no OW, and some sense of ( or the illusion of ) the quest for sane living, I would like to just breath.

H is at work, I'm going to visit the grand-baby, look at the SUV I have my eye on, and maybe look into a course at school, kinesiology, heck maybe sing up and change careers!

One day, lets see if I can get thru, that's all I got!

You are such an inspiration Dawn! Your H is right, you are his lifeline to sanity, his light and the person he can trust most. You ask what is in it for you? I guess the knowledge that you are keeping your H sane right now, as he fights his own battles and demons caused by his MLC. And the fact that if you want it, when he is out of his MLC, you can start working on your marriage again.

Go buy yourself a new car girl, get a new career, and kiss that baby. Live!

Well, I decided to stick with my car after all and help invest in a car for my D19. Otherwise, she's just going to keep borrowing whatever I buy.

I did kiss the baby, I wanted to fall asleep on his little cheek while smelling his little neck. There is a peace in being with him and I am so grateful for that.

I am waiting for the school to call me back about the program, meanwhile I am looking at jobs around town now that the college kids have gone back.

H is home today making D19 breakfast for her first day of class. He is talking to her a little more and making small jokes, as I pass the kitchen he calls me over to a plate he made for me as well, I made sure to be thankful.

Last night, not really used to being home at night still, he was in a giggly mood, smiling as he nestled into a sleep position!?? He's been this way since he came home Fri night after is MIA binge.

I know nothing...I'm just going with the flow and continuing to do my own thing. He has invited me to join him for ice cream, or a movie, or to raid the fridge at midnight, sometimes I take him up on it, other times I politely decline.

What he is going tho is still his journey!

Dawn,
You sound like you are in a much better place. When you manage to pull/step back, you can begin to see things clearly and I think that is where you are right now.

I'm sure you are happy to have the college students back in school and have the home pretty much to yourself these days. I'm sure your daughter is looking forward to returning to school as well after a long summer.

When babies sleep, they are such innocent, peaceful little ones. They have a scent all of their own and to smell that scent, it can make you peaceful as well. I'm glad you are able to spend time w/him.

I'm also glad to see that your h is interacting w/the family. Making breakfast is a big step for him and I hope he continues to heal and become the mature man that he needs to be.

Dawn, I hope that you are taking some time out to do things for yourself too. You need to continue on w/your journey, just as he is.

Have a great day!

Thank you Snodderly! I do feel in a better place and it does help confirm all that I've been told, it never was about me!

No matter what's next I hope I continue to learn how to take each step forward for myself and my family, regardless of which way h goes!

Have a good day as well!

hey dawn-

hi and missed ya. as usual- yikes! your life. hang on- i'm doing okay- hospital, insanity, mlc- h & everything aside.

you sound good as well so yay.

i'll be back when can- need to check in with mom at hospital-

like the thought of you kissing that baby and sucking in the smell- too bad we can't bottle that huh??? made me shut my eyes and think back only five or so days- seems like ayear ago already. baby hugs & sniffs... even sweaty little wacky kid sniffs (4 yrs - fla sweat blossoms that we all were) jumping around in that heat with costumes & tulle fairy skirts & spangles, etc.

everyone's answer to life's insanity- one whiff and let your brain roam away with it...

xxo

Hey Nero, I would really love to be able to get in touch with you, FB or something if you would like that.

hiya - i would- i'll go and try and figure out what you're teleling me tonite if i'm not at hospital late and i can face computer screen.

areyou saying i open a facebook account named nero fb? and that would do it? and then what? i feed it a new private e-mail account??? is that the way?

xxoo

That's it! simple! we can chat in real time, anytime. and say anything! I could show you a pic of, baby smells so good! Oh, Nero, I hope you can...we've been talking over a yr now!

My h said that when he says he wants to move out, there's nothing behind it, there weak words, but now he's faced with it coming out of my mouth, and it's means something.

It gives him pause enough to reflect on the fact that he's going to be lossing his W, his family, and his home.

But, he doesn't know how to break it with EA, he spent all day yesterday helping her move to her new apt.

I told him don't....just move out...and he won't have to worry about decisions any more.

Good job!!
Stay consistent, put it back in his court...

Hi TS, Glad you posted, I am getting a little nervous as I inch my way toward putting my boundaries out there, and staying consistent with my decisions.

~~~
Well, it certainly didn't give him pause enough to not go help ea. I asked him if he was aware of the sitch, and how leaving to help her was going strengthen my cause.

He said yes, followed by, it's not about ''her'' tho, it's me.

We spent some one-on-one time being honest about our lives and he revealed some thoughts to me. I gave him some of my opinions on his character and behaviour and made my way to saying..."you told me losing everything means nothing to you one time too many times".

I said I have some options for the future and one of them includes taking the mortgage bank up on their offer for a free value assessment. He said give it time, I haven't made any decisions, I'm not leaving.

''But, you're not here either, and I am done with that''. We discussed how I feel about him today and my need to move forward with someone who will have me in their thoughts, and my best interest at heart.

I said, I'm done with his everyday concern with ea, and need to help in order to get that at�ta�boy he craves, while believing he is worthless to his own family. I'm not trying to change that, I just don't want to be around it anymore.

He admitted she is a monster and how he craves that strength in her to cut him into pieces and leave him to rot. I said, that's not a strength, that's hatred, and you and I will never heal, as long as you need this sick attention.

He said but I need you, I need your goodness to balance me, I said sorry, I have to worry about myself and be away from this sickness. He insists it's ok because there is not PA, I said that's because she won't, I believe you would because it adds to that character of rebellion, he agreed.

He needs to go, he's still very much in the ''grass is greener'' mode and believes he likes being miserable, he needs to experience all the dreams he has of being unaccountable to me.

Why won't he go? Does he really fear that will close the door to this family forever? I know he doesn't want to be with her in a R, but I am not his easy way to have both, his freedom, and me, like he wants.

The good thing is I am putting a lot of consideration into my choices and trying not to let emotions hold me back from going forward.

He asked me to give it time....he is trying...I want to ask for a separation.

He can't be who I need him to be.

Should I wait tho?

Should I see this to the end, is he making any progress at all by his actions?

Where's that crystal ball?

I was just discussing with someone my H's outlook and she pointed out something I guess I knew but didn't give much attention to.

My h talks about the past, and says I have my memories, talks about the future as if we're in it together, but it's the present when he doesn't want anything to do with me.

When he said I have my memories isn't that enough, I said sure H...I'll by a scrap book and you can move out!

He actually went as far as saying well in 10yrs he can come back, or if EA dies. I said so you will be forced to move out because you insist on helping ea and if she dies then you're off the hook, and you will return to me because she will be a non issue?

I literally said STFU, are you that stupid. He laughed at his own words. This is too much!

Hi Dawn.

Sounds like you've had better weekends

My H and I got into it this morning. He ended up telling me "maybe he's using her" and won't need her anymore after a while.

And I'm supposed to wait to see what might happen?

And IF that does come to pass I'm supposed to what, rejoice and welcome him home with open arms?

The story is of a prodigal son not a prodigal spouse!

Should I wait tho?

Isn't that the million dollar question!

What happened to your deadline? Is that still on the table?

~ Have to run. Soccer tonight.

Take care

hey hiya dawn-

as usual - you're sounding good these days- but your life is sounding wacky as usual.

wow h saying he'd just come back in ten yers. my gigantic A$$ of a h said once- when i asked "so, what the heck do you think you'll do when we've split for good and you all of a sudden think it may not have been such a good idea" - and he said" i'll just show up and kill him" (my new love/life).

whatta schmo- it's alllll some goofy joke, sitcom in his head. i thnk because they don't say this junk out loud to anyone but their own brain- it must sound ok or reasonable.

wtf can they be thinking- that we'll just sit there and knit sox til they roam back into our back door and we'll just dust them off and feel all this loove and goop or what? i honestly think that it what is in their heads- some fantasy scenario- starring them btw as the returning warrior to the warm loveing welcome

how far from the truth it likely is huh? me- hospital fielding texts from my up-tight, micromanaging- sister to me- after she's been furiously calling drs and getting between me and their calls and info i need to make an informed decision on a procedure- but after talking to her they don't call me- YET - I'M the jerk here being asked to sign on the dootte line and commit ole mom to something or another- so in radiology- emerg hold on procedure -

get text from H that he's "heading north" - i swear- i had to stop three times and erase a return of "f you - i'm done".

ended up saying "spare me the fake concern"

idk why- i'm sick of him today. i'm up to my A$$ in cranky mom's ranting & insults & refusal for "procedure" - pushy dr's insistence (and this is just the admitting gp guy- lets not forget the surgeon & his sidekick - the substitute surgeon yesterday (a guy i know & like who says don't do it) , the official one of today who says wt blood cell count higher so infection getting worse a bit- and the gi dr & his sidekick-

i swear- the sheer number of doctors who don't knwo her- her case or history who have some interest & opinion and me and my damn sister buzzing in my ear- i'm gonna kill someone.

then this man- who's out of town adn riding off to boink his ow - my first thought is go f'ing crash yourself and get out of my life you A$$- and he's saying he'll call monday.

i could hate his stupid, uncaring- selfish face rite now. maybe i do- i could spit o n his shoes. it makes me mad to think of =

wonder really what the implications would be ($$) if i just called and said don't bother calling or coming back. you made your choice by your actions.

oh man dawn- how many thousands of times have i said this to you? i think many. i'll try the fb tonite.

i just hooked up this new computer- the old one was soooo awful last two days- but i had to wait to be able to (i think i did anyway) erase all history of my comings and goings before unhooking it for good.

i know it's probably in there somewhre- the record- hopefully he won't look and won't find it. i don't want this jacka$$ reading amy personal thoughts of mine. he's not worthy-

of them- of me- of my love- of my consideration- of nothin today.

oh well- procedure over- mom resting comfortably- i'm soooo sick of her picking on my hairdo- i don't sleep for a week because of her stinkin medical condition- etc. and listening to her rant alllll day about geting out- etc.

and the best she's got is that- picking. i hate everyone i know today- ta da...

nice huh? glad you're doing good and you do sound good. me, i'm okay i guess anger aside

f everyone. i'm heading down to other sister for some fresh coffee- i'm throwin this stinking cell phone in the damn toilet- (or leaving it off in perpetuity) unless I NEED IT.

BACK TO F EVERYONE- BOY, THAT SURE FEELS GOOD. NOBODY BETTER GET IN MY FACE TODAY.

XXOO i think i'll walk to her house- burn this anger off- woo hoo- lovely cool day if i could get out in garden or out anywhere and laugh a bit- this hospital pressure grim [censored] is getting to me today-

My h said he's using EA as well, it's a sick MLC vs loser skank feast.

Lets all sit around and wait under the moon light for our H's.

hey dawn-

hope today is a good one for you. just checking in before head to hospital

you're sayin: *************Should I wait tho?

********Should I see this to the end, is he making any progress at all by his actions?

Where's that crystal ball?****************************

i'm sayin to that - if you're askin yourself or the world- you're still "waitin" for the moment.

remember you telling me wisdom will come if we sit quietly-

fingers crossed that it's right- i'm not as quiet as i'd like to be- guess i'm still "me" in here-

i get your quandry- i've kind of had it too -

we've been at this and sayn this a long long time. BUT we still know them- and they still turn back up.

the obsession with ow- idk - i hate it - fullstop. do we end it today???

i'm goin to the hospital to suck up some criticism - i'd rather hold a new baby- and take a sniff. think of me if you do.

so, whattyathink? one more day? we can ALWAYS WALK AWAY TOMORROW AND EXPLODE INTO SPACE?????

ONE unsettled chick...

xxoo (( )) so, if i make a new facebook page- i just gomake also a new e-mail account and then use that tomake the new facebook thing?

I'm not really waiting, as much as I'm in limbo with nowhere to turn. Given the opportunity I would bail...real fast. Does that mean I'm not waiting, well it doesn't mean I'm hoping, I'm out of hope, and looking toward my reality for my future.

I want a future....not to hold on some more and some more! If something happened in that time to change H he would have to come find me, and I would be the one to decide.

No, I'm not pining away here, not at all!

We had a nice eve, we're good together, we laugh, eat, argue facts in a friendly way, we have always gotten along very well. That's what makes this such a waist!

Nero, be careful, take care of yourself first, read my post on your thread about dates, your missing them.

hey hi-

i'm thinking something mighty similar. i'm not feelin too hopeful either. we have reached a plateau - you and I.

scary next step time maybe approaching. - we're just gonna have to shut our eyes one of these days/years - and step rite off the edge of the land - and fall into the next level - sheer grit or blind faith- rite off the edge and take our chances with what we bounce on. good news is no one behind us with a sharp stick poking us in the back - - -

i'm still stalling. i never ever promised i was big ole brave-girl. never been anything but prudent to the end. ta da...

. i'm thinking my h's insanity or whatever, may be "terminal" for all practical purposes. i don't see him wising up- professing his undying love, etc. anytime soon. as long as he has everything he wants - - - - me being realistic here. boy- i hate this being realistic junk...

i don't have that great job or security- i'm caring less and less. he's said to me before- just hang in here til you have something better to do... wtf? why would he even say it i wonder- back a year or two ago. since i've never "gone there" again- i will never know. maybe he was thinking weeks.. who knows??? he's got a brain and a mouth- let him speak up and be the "bad guy" and throw my butt on the street if i'm sooooo repulsive - it's almost an academic exercise here seeing when or if he'll ever just open his mouth and be decisive and PICK HER or PICK HiMSELF ALONE - or whatever it is he wants- and ACTUALLY DO IT- JUST DO IT....

ya gotta wonder - what a he man... (not)

he keeps coming - paying- not talking - i keep "standing"...

we're a joke & a mess i reckon -

too bad he's such a dope to never ever feel things and share them and/or think them over - WELL, MOSTLY SHARE HIS THOUGHTS & FEELINGS. I'M pretty sure he must be thinking i wouldn't want to know all about his giant giant giant love for ow. WAIT - MAYBE I'M pretty sure he doesn't think at all about this stuff- you know - DOOOOHHHHH NUT no kidding.

. i think he's sooooo SURE OF ME- WHaT A DOPE I AM- HOW MUHHHHHCCCCCCH I LOOOOOVE HIM - HOW MUCH HE CAN JUST BUY ME BECAUSE OF HIS STINKIN MONEY- that that is the MOST IMPORTANT THING -. I GUESS IN HIS LIFE THE $$ is the most important thing. what a blind jerk he is - i guess - that he thinks i'll be here for him forever - if he wants me.....i think your h too - underneath it all - we're rocks (or nuts)..get it- object?

if i won the lottery - i guess honestly i'd clear the heck out. sad but true. i'm very tired-

i'd buy a house in england- i guess & (if i had to to assuage the guilt)i'd install my mother in a apartment in the garden- and just get the heck out of dodge.

etc.-----

oh well- since this is very very unlikely- i'm thinking i'm stoppng the planning on that.

matter of fact- too much drama going on here with my mother- so i'm not even thinking aboutthis junk- just get thru another day without a blowup from "powersister". she's apparently there not - "rattling a few cages " and "getting answers" - yeah, good luck man, she's up against a handful of doctors- battle of the egos i think.

i'm in my jim jams dudding out- awaiting caffein energy.

didja see linda's thread- about sept 7th? you sound like a very very together hostess- cook, etc. so i get intimidated a bit about other people's expectations - i'm pretty much of a happy - disjointed bum-type hostess maybe. fly by the seat of my pants - HOWEVER i'm warm & friendly- but not martha okay? don't want anyone disappointed- but i'm willing and it will be a scream i think.

okay- also let me say nobody expect a mansion & magazine type decorating. alright- i don't want anyone to faint - i'm a smallish jumblie concoction of old,new-interesting, weird, homemade things that entertain me- soooo i'm thinking warm & inviting- NOT NEW & EXCITING. AND SPECIFICALLY NOT MINIMALIST decor - more like happy jumble style.

I'm just not a huge - boss - take-charge - mom-type woman who is alllllll organized & in command.

i know- im making myself laugh at what a weiner i am with my dopey disclaimers- geeeeeeZzzzzzzz me. i don't want anyone going into shock -

xxoo

First Nero, I am no Martha, I am plain Jane.

Sept 7 can work...make that fb so we can talk.

hey hi-

plain jane would fit me as well. okay- i f'ing did it. i did not like putting in a phone number- i put in my cell that i keep for emergencies. can we talk via private e-mails now? i hooked it to a different one than h knows about.

anyway- so, am i supposed to tellyou here in this post the name- can you tell i'm crap at this cloak and dagger junk???

cripes-

will see if you're there -

I did.linda likes to be discreet but how. Look for me db marie think. Look for popular names who write you and add db after it.

dawn nice picture- i just ran back up stairs to say- that i feel really worried about you making flight plans, etc. would be fun to see you- BUT -

my sitch with mother is up in the air- totally. what the heck if something goes wrong with all that and the visit plan blows to hell and you've got money plunked out on airfare??? it makes it a serious deal - i don't want to make a commitment as big as that in case of anything going seriously wrong - you'd be guy holding bag-

....

hey dawn-

idk about me and facebook being my "place to go" - i'm attached still to this forum. it seems "rude" to just pick one person and whine my stupid head off- here i thnk i throw it all out there- if anyone feels like looking in and seeing what the heck i'm saying- they do. it's their option-

on fb- or emails - when i pick one person- i'm landing that poor sap "with the whole ball of wax" - know what i mean???

it's like putting some personal obligation on you or linda or someone to respond or react-

feels like bad form kind of- maybe i'll get used to it. i get it that we can exchange personal information- that's good - the privacy. i never realized how very much i need and preservemy privacy. (hey- maybe i am a secret agent?)

i've spent a year spilling my stinkin guts here to the whole "forum world" - so i don't have too much shame anymore - but i feel like i can be free to do it and not shackle one poor schnuk with my jerked up life & woes - and also the anonanimity is nice as well. . it helps alot- i do it= i'm addicted a bit to having here to come to.

this morning i swear- i'm reading a book that's making me cry- but the cry is there in the background anyway.

don't know- it's a few minor tears- it doesn't help really does it? i thought if i ever could just cry a bit - it would somehow help or be cathartic - i wish i was as final and done as you sound. if i just felt trapped like a rat(which i do btw) ANd ready or in a position to DO SOME THING ABOUT IT other than just sit around feeling mad and insulted as usual-

i'm "stuck" again- when h is around for a month- i'm not liking too much his no-touch mode- but it's "something" and "someone" familiar sharing my life & house. then ka bam- the contrast of F'ING NO ONE - no time- no nothin and he is apparently just happy as a clam with it down there. i hate it- hate that he likes it- hate feeling insulted - COMPELLED NOT TO ACT LIKE I EVEN NOTICE IT- IT puts me sooooo f'ing on edge & icky- and makes me desirous of getting a giant tractor trailor - getting to our street in fla and driving it rite thru the front of his house.

THEN it inspires alllllll the same old middle-of-the-night brain spin - cripes. i know tons and tons of people deal with lonliness and it could be alot worse-

IT'S JUST KNOWING THAT IT WAS ALWAYS alot better that makes a body want what they had. selfish baby- idk- oh well huh???

just when i think i've reached new ground - more detached (i am, but not ENOUGH) - THEN I realize the switchover is ALWAYS kind of awful.

i can't even sit around and piss&moan about it- need to get dressed and go to the damn hospital - i am soooooo DONE WITH THAT TOO- it's such a shabby shabby feeling - that i'm soooo ungracious about it all- a bad luck illness and i'm not wanting to participate anymore....

i wonder if it would be more willing on my part if my mother bothered to not treat me like her toerag. i even say it to her- get the duhhh face - it's soooo much a part of her - picking on whatever kid is around while slathering all sorts of exotic praise and compliments on any other human being around. it is downright wierd- if it were new with the dementia , maybe it wouldn't get under my skin. it's not-

HOWEVER - EVEN SAYING THIS OUT LOUD - makes me realize what a nut i sound like- allowing someone pretty "out there" to irk me so much. (now, after years of it- )

i guess actually - as i say this out loud too- it's better than olden days when it hurt my feelings - now i expect it- it still irks me- but doesn't inspire me to fight- just want to walk away from it all...

man- i am not at my best being a nursie-pooh. i don't know how linda does it- or anyone. maybe if it's not your own relative or loved one- you manage better to let it all roll off your back.

i'd have thought by now i'd be waaay better at accepting criticism graciously. i wonder if i'll ever get there-

BUT THEN - I WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD makes people want to actively "dump" on someone else. i'm also thinking i invite it somehow- maybe because i don't make a big "to do" about it.

it is something going on sometimes with my sisters and h and so on- some r i have with everyone where they feel totally "free" to "go there" with me- instead of being afraid-

SOMETHING NEW ON LIST OF THINGS TO FIX ABOUT SELF_ - find the proper reaction that says "don't go there buddy" while not getting mad or hurt or nuts...

this "getting perfect" thing is wearing - isn't it???

hope things are good with you- glad you're having peace with your mind-set- i'm hopeful of getting there one day.

Honest to God- i need some fun & a sidekick. when i consider since my sister died- h got wierd - mom heading downward - the last five or so years have had bit "ENDINGS" GOING ON. I need to be around the beginnings more- the little kids in fla i think.

SO - BEGS THE QU3STION - all this stuff floating around out there saying we need to be happy with ourselves - wtf??? i like me well enough- do i only want to spend my life with me exclusively - no. boooooooooring- i know me, i know what i think , etc.- i want to have fun with a companion. everythng is more fun or easier with someone to share it with. i'm tired of my companions being gone- done it- need more.

being on fb yesterday- boy, i sure don't like it- i know i'll get used to something about it- but i do not like the constant stream of pictures and people i don't know or do know- nagging me to be friends- look at them, etc. i just am not interested and i don't like how "naggie" it feels.

is that nutty or what???? i sure hate even a stupid website telling me what to do- i have some MAJOR authority problems i guess.

i know i sound like neurosis central this morning- i think i am. hate to acknowledge it- but there it is huh?

i guess i'm out of here because i need to go wash my hair and get rolling today- i'll probably top it off by catching some wierd disease hanging around hospitals so much- eeeeek

yeah - just go nutball here- think i'll go find a little tranquilizer and take a step back today. can't do THIS all day-

xxoo from the land of wtf........

H revealed to me last night that he has very little physical sex drive, and sensation, his mind is ready tho. I told him this is natural and he's going thru male menapous, he needs to be checked, and it can pass. He said 2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

He even said, "you deserve someone better, I'm no good for you, get a man that can give you all you need and want, your younger and going to waist your life with me. I don't have it anymore". He's 53. He's always been a very old soul, so he's more like 73. Really, lots say that about him.

I asked, so your just gonna give me away, he said no, but you really should. If you want to stay I'm fine but you want more. I'm not gonna be him, my spirite is gone!

I said you will either fight for a productive life or continue bringing more misery. Go to the gym, get a haircut, ride your bike, play basket ball, return to the things you enjoy.

I'm not sure what to do with this but I see he means it, he said he has always been the type that had guilt, only now it worse because he crossed to many lines, and it's me he hurt. He said, how do I get back from hurting you, there's nothing I can do!

Today he sick like a dog in his gut, not sure why!

I'm good, looking forward to fall....with no expectations.

Hey Dawn, I dont think there is anything you can do with all that.

He needs to work through it all. You need to let him, right?

You are doing wonderfully. Keep going.

Oh, I know, I don't plan on helping him, I'm just being myself, that has always been good for him, he likes me.

I'm afraid tho, this self loth is strong, crippling him more and for longer times. He seems litterly crippled, like a man in physical pain, from his thoughts.

I have a lot to consider. I do need more,me all know this, but this chapter is not over just yet.

Nero, take care of yourself first! Do something relaxing after you go to the hospital. Don't loose yourself. I am only here if you wish, the is no obligation. Do what works for you.

((()))) my best dm

HOOOOLLLLY GEEEZ DAWN-

thanks for that thought- that you're "there". i feel sooooo f'd up this morning.

i even (i know- bad dog) kind of had a convo w/h - you know, kind of "went there". abbreviated version of "usual". i know he hates talking- i am sick of swallowing my thoughts allll the time.

he picked me because i talk- this business of being inscrutible is wearing me out.

anyway- it wasn't huge or awful (tho maybe he thinks so)

he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.

IT DIdn't resolve anything at all.

i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.

he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-

i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-

MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)

I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN" -

THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.

i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-

he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???

he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HE DOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-

it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled .

i didn't throw in that really- what i think about me is that i both anticipate and dread moving past him and this stinking mudhole i'm in - and embracing a new life and even more or better - some new person.

part of me fears it because i'm a outgoing kinda guy- in my life there was my ex- h and then i met this one when i was still married. i've always had someone.

it's a bad thing- but it's been a great thing- and part of me (the insane part no doubt) expects that sooner or later it will happen again.

i will hate walking away from him forever. i will absolutely love feeling cherished again.

(oh yeah- the no sex part of being a nun is not my cup of tea. i like the PHILOSOPHIcal and spiritual idea of being a nun - but now i'm merely a NONE. BIG DIFF.

idk- feel better "confessing". why did i even talk about this stuff? idk- i am sooooo bummed by the stinkin notion he is perfectly happy if i was out of his life- i just out with it sometimes. he denies it- alot. he says he hates seeing me unhappy or suffer - if it were to save me from this- and i asked him to end it- only then would he. he doesn't think we should end it-

wtf dawn.????

it's such pulling teeth to hear anything frm his stupid head , yet he blams away on his stinkin computer nite and day to any old jerk from any old where- guy buddies too- i swear- he is in that replay of youth mode everyone refers to.

can i make it- idk. my litehouse it out today- want to cry some more- hey- no mascara yet so i could even if i really wanted to...

i'm such a mess- i swear i wish i was in your neighborhood this moring- i cannot imagine why foisting my jacked up self on you would seem like it would be nice - it's kind of awful to expect you to prop me up- i feel like a bloodsucker kind of - but ther eyou have it. you're sounding good and i'm happy and it give me hope to reach some place like you.

Quote:

2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

i believe my h still thinks his affair is "necessary" for him somehow. my words - not his. he does not say a thing about it- he doesn't deny or confirm one darn thing.

geeeez - he said leave my cell phone on- so he can reach me. i honestly have such a f'ing case about it- from reading his stinking love messages to his ow2 back two years ago- i wonder if it will ever go away. and then, it's his obvious constant "tie" to ow cow. idk- is he dense or what.

anyway- he said he'd fly here in a minute if i said i needed him to-

WHAT WOULD THAT BE? of course i need hm to- but i need him to thnk of it and do it because he absolutely cannot endure not seeing me another minute- or because he NEEEEEEDS to on his own.

he'll maybe never get that or feel that or do that. is it a man thing? or him??? any opinion

i felt the need to just say this to a sympathetic ear before i head to the hospital. i couldn't get mom on phone- she can't preobbly even "get it" about what's ringing and pick it up (sometimes).

fingers crossed for not a hostile day-

i'm outta here- i'll get back to facebook wheni have time and send a picture- it's probably a good thing for us all to picture eachother-

the thing about feeling bnadly in life- it makes ya look in the mirror and see all the bad things- i hate that i'm like that- susceptible. i kind of soak in and reflect back what i'm getting from people.

for bettr or worse huh? i tried to say to him i am not changing from the person i am. i don't know how it came out- probably notlucid . he both stays in the conversation - but doesn't participate unless forced. it's wierd.

i did say we both were a couple of jerks for the longest time to not have both spoken up about what we didn't like as we went along- all this business of not stepping on the other guys toes- has landed us in this place of non-communication and disconnect (in part anyway) due to just not being straight forward and honest.

it's such a giant mess- can this huge spagetti mountain of tangled crappola ever ever ever unravel itself- one wonders.

still here but not sure why... (as usual).

hope your day is good- as usual i have to say, whateve ryour h is or does or feels- i stil admire the fact that he talks and shares. even sharing total $hit is sharing. me, i'm a sharer - i try and communicate - it seems important FOR SOMEONE in the world to uderstand what i'm saying and feeling.

kill me- maybe he feels like that too. maybe that's not so awful. even if what he's sharing seems like total crap to you- it's something. just mho - it would seem a hopeful sign to me in general - in life- that he wants you to understand hm or what he's feeling or going thru.

it manifests itself in wacky and hurtful ways. but he's keeping lines open. my h- this business of raised ALONE - believing he's a lone wolf kinda guy (hello- open your eyes - me, ow, people - he's further from solitary than even me- and i'm far-ish) he is blind-

your buddy- spinning in this $hit tornado of a life- heading to hospital, guilty to be dragging my feet-

xxoo hope your day is good. you do sound v good and iim glad for you- for that.

''he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-''

He means it, a lot of MLCer's reach that point of admitting that. He does want you in his life, also for now, he still needs ow in his life, you may never know why.

My H says its a balance between what is his, (us LBS) and what he thinks may be out there that he hasn't explored yet. It really is not a reflection on you, he does seem to adore you in his own twisted way.

The emails you read 2 yrs ago, forget them, they may have no meaning today, they may have been lies they tell each other, those words were not meant for your interpretation. YOur reading them with you normal brain.

I don't mind your ranting at all, hell I have ranted to you plenty. I understand and I care. WE have had this between us for over 2yrs now, there is nothing you can rant that would make me think your crazy, just human and hurt my friend. Relax! Sit down later after the hospital and regroup.

<3 dm

Dawn "H revealed to me last night that he has very little physical sex drive, and sensation, his mind is ready tho. I told him this is natural and he's going thru male menapous, he needs to be checked, and it can pass. He said 2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

He even said, "you deserve someone better, I'm no good for you, get a man that can give you all you need and want, your younger and going to waist your life with me. I don't have it anymore". He's 53. He's always been a very old soul, so he's more like 73. Really, lots say that about him."

Dawn I think that is really good that your husband recognizes that the stuff he said to you, blaming you for HIS affair, is not true. All that stuff is just part of the MLC craziness I think. Even the feeling old and not "having it" any more. In fact that is probably a big part of the MLC itself, they are facing the fact that they are older and not capable of doing everything they could do at age 25.

Just be there for him Dawn, you are doing great DBing. My favorite saying now -- cherish him enough to let him go with love, let him travel this journey he needs to go thru. I think he is starting to come out of replay and into depression, but what do I know -- I thought that about my own husband too and look at him now

Nero "he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.

Please don't get angry with me Nero, but I sort of agree with your husband here. I am exactly like you, and get hurt by my H's devotion to the notorious Russian Tramp, but realize that, in reality, he is NOT DOING ANYTHING TO ME. He is doing something (cheating) and I am hurt, but he is not really making me hurt. I am letting myself be hurt. I don't even know what I am going on about here, but it seems like there is a distinction here.

Nero "i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.
he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-
i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-
MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)
I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN"
THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.
i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-
he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???
he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HEDOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-
it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled ."

Nero, underneath it all your husband loves you. If he was just a "walk away husband" he would just have gotten sick of you and left. But he does not. He comes back, and he talks to you every day. This is something that maybe other people do not agree with, but is so clear in my mind. I think because of my first marriage counselor back in 2010 explaining MLC to me. I stand for my marriage because in my heart, I truly believe that my husband loves me, and that he going thru something horrible, but is loving me the best he can right now. He is searching for something that will make him feel better about himself, but all of the EAs in the world are not doing that for him. So he is not willing to let me go out of his life. And as long as he keeps connected to me, I will stand the best I can.

And look at what you write about your H, how you describe him. He is loving you the best he can right now. He has the Cow OW, but she is not fulfilling his need to feel better about himself. Their whole relationship is fake. In his heart he knows that, and knows that he loves you. But he just says that he cares and would hate for you to be gone from his life. I would be so happy if my husband told me that he cares but he never says anything like that. But as I wrote on my thread, I can now see that he is showing he cares in the best way he can right now.

Hang in there Nero. I think you and I are very much alike. We love too much and spin too much. I can see clearly what you need to do, and you can see clearly what I need to do.

Hang in there. Do you have a DB coach? Maybe speaking to a professional DBer would help you.

Nero, I left you a private message on FB, if you could just read it you may feel better.

My H has been quite sick these last three days and I have been his nurse on 24hr call. He is in a lot of abdominal pain. WE are 3 weeks out of health insurance so it is up to me to monitor him so we don't end up in the emergency room for something as preventable as dehydration.

He has been thankful, and pleasant, while even seeking warmth and comfort when I laid down next to him last night, he had the chills.

I don't have a problem taking care of him, even in my insistent brain that tells me IDLY H, I'm ok with caring for him.

But, I SWEAR TO BOB, if he makes me regret this....I am coming down hard and slamming the door and blowing out the light. Just saying!

I am still maintaining my identity and giving him the care he needs, he lacks for nothing, and I am still working on me.

i saw the picture - was that the "message" - i love it- i want a cuddle and a sniff - sad little woman that i am- and i go arond pointing out everyone elses "addictions" - babysmell - i wanna get you higher - blah balh blah - lite my fire-

anyway- call if ya feel like it - i couldn't figure out if i was sending a private message so didn't include my home phone no0 = i think linda said she gave it to you- so ok by me-

she & i had okay chat this a.m- GGGGAAOOOOd- when you actually hear a human being saying the same junk you say yourslef-
amazing

it's alllll sooooooooo "textbook" it's pathetic- cripes!Q

xxoo hope your day is good. guess mom gets discharged to day- (supposedly) at moment she ate something & has a roommate so taking one more minute before heading there.

should be a long long day-

donja love the "efficiency" we pay thousands and thousands of $$ for???

xxoo hope your day is good.

hey hi again-

oh man- did you ever tickle my fancy with :

Quote:

But, I SWEAR TO BOB, if he makes me regret this....I am coming down hard and slamming the door and blowing out the light. Just saying!

I am still maintaining my identity and giving him the care he needs, he lacks for nothing, and I am still working on me.
_________________________

I LOVE THE SWEAR TO BOB- i'm sayin that form now on forever.

ya kill me - good luck with the patient. is it allover and rumbling around pain? or one spot- just askin.

good luck- it's scary making decisions for someone else- i swear to bob.....

hiya dawn-

i hope your h is on the mend - it's scary second guessing the medical conditions of someone else. i can sure relate to that.

anyway- i'm soooo dudded out this morning-

as usual lately- kind of dread contact - kind of wonder what my "responsibility" is- etc.

blah blah blah GOOD LUCK WITH YOURNURSING- HOPE IT'S OKAY AROUND THERE.

XXOO

Originally Posted By: I.am.Dmarie

I don't have a problem taking care of him, even in my insistent brain that tells me IDLY H, I'm ok with caring for him.

I am still maintaining my identity and giving him the care he needs, he lacks for nothing, and I am still working on me.

Good on you, Dawn. ^^^ As long as you are ok with it, and still working on you, that's all that matters.

Thanks, UR! I'm exhausted, he is not sweet and nice anymore, his MLC is kicking in and he's saying stupid stuff. Like why doesn't he just die, or he's never going to be strong for work ever again.

I wait for him now to ask for something, he has lost the nurse by his side. It was nice, we laughed a little.

Funny, how now my deadline for moving out is a moot point. I guess if/when he acts up down the line I can always retroactively put it out there.

I hope your doing well, have a good weekend.

This morning I am waking to H's anger....he is enraged over his abdominal and now back pain.

And, to top this whole MLC journey off...my mom and dad who have stepped back because they disagree with my Standing are selling their home and moving to Nevada.

We were was suppose to move there at the end of 2012, put D19 in school and H was joining the union, now life is moving without me. Because of HIM.

NOt a good start to a rainy weekend.

hey hi dawn-

oh geeeez - i hear ya. keep in mind- THEIR LIFE IS MOving on without you- not yours. this woman (me) is realizing that (maybe) parents come and go. my mom never ever wanted to have any part in anyone's "troubles" - fair enough. her spiel was grow up- get a job - get out and don't ask me for nothin (done and done) BUT the "tending" she's requireing now - makes me question whole (duty) thing.

what is our duty anyway??? what is theirs??? they raise us- they get to wash their hands if THEY WANT TO (apparently). that shades our duty- i've alwasy been guilty & "tow the line"...

LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THIS- when your mother is decrepid and finds it useful to WANT a r with you so you can "take care of her" - perhaps you'll plunk her in a home and say good riddance and feel okay with it??? maybe it will in fact feel as easy as "hey, you weren't "there" for me- so thank you and drive th4ru please..." i wouldn't mind feeling like that- i am quickly losing totally my ability to care around here at the moment-

maybe your mom is doing the dirty work for you- and you'll be the guy who benefits from the distance (ultimately)..

your kids are there with ya- in your life- and your h maybe still in mlc mode- but at the end of the day (whenever in he!! that turns out to be) you will move forward with YOUR LIFE and those more immediate family members>>

I FEEL like that too alot (passed by) - that everyone else has their life- this mother junk- my stupid h and 'HIS ' house and life in FL- it's a giant ball and chain on my own neck- of their creation (or so it FEELS)... when it's all over - which ever way- i'm going to be a free woman. i can glom onto whoever it is i want to be around i think- and play it that way...

idk where my life and my home will be- i don't even have some kids to be part of it -

BUT THEN- i have a sister that can stand me (still) here and my neice (poor kid- she was soooo outraged and shocked to witness my brother in law ripping my head off yesterday) (surprise attack from car while my sister sat next to him silently).

GOD PRESERVE US ALL FROM THE SELF-righteous A$$holes of the universe- she stayed with me all evening yesterday- she's a sensitive little thing- she wanted to be supportivem she couldn't believe his bad form - we made and ate some chocolate chip cookies -

TALK ABOUT SPEW- AND BLUGING VEINS, ETC. ANYWAY- i have not one stinkin idea who is going to end up part of my life - i'm beginning not to care. if family ties have to make me suck up this kind of stuff (and thank them for it) maybe it's not something i'll NEEEED like i always thought i did- or even want.

you're doin good- it was so nice to chat- your voice and conversation is exactly like what i hear in your posts- we'll make it thru this journey of our own- and come out the other side with shiney cheeks and appreciation of life and all hte small little pleasures/treasures it's got- the he!l with what we're allllll "supposed" to want and to have-

we'll be us, happy girls, heads on straight- sniffing babies and enjoying a sunny window in winter- blah blah blah.

now, i gotta go eat something and quit thinking or talking about this anger- family spew- hatefest i call a family-

talk about surprising view of what people are when the chips are down-

oh well- spartacus here - about ready to rally the slaves and strike a blow for freedom or death (no kidding- maybe i'll change my name. )

maybe i'm less nero fiddling while rome burns - and more spartacus figuring "what the3 hell, give it a shot - how bad could it be????"

soooooo - historical & biblical , aren't I/??

have a good day dawn- don't worry about your mom- it may be something that will "save" you from some stuff- rather than the other way around- a giant "obligation" you have to bear-

there's always a chance.

xxoo hope your day is okay and your patient isn't awful today-

you sound like me with the ruined life plans. my h and the "and then we can live whereever you want" - thing. whatta joke huh? what happens - really - in life as opposed to the rosey old "plan" -

as long as it was him fobbing me off with idle promises that he couldn't and wouldn't keep- it was swell..... it did keep my stupid butt in Fla for 20+ years...

love ya man-

xxo

My H was spewing hate this morning and said his usual, why don't I let him leave, he hates it here, life is unfair, he was just trying to support his family. I said, why haven't you left a long time ago.

He's on the kitchen floor fully crippled by his back, spewing how he doesn't want to be here, I turned and said in a scary voice....you better be careful how you speak to me, you better watch what comes out of your mouth.

It set him back a bit and he tried to soften up immediately, blaming his pain for his mouth. He said, I will shut up now!

It's dark, and raining, and I am stuck in this house. It is bring some old feelings of my flight or fight impulse up again.

I don't do well when he makes me angry, and I'm angry because I am dealing with him without L as a factor. What I am doing for him is out of necessity, and that makes it easier to WAW from and say F**** him.

I can L him next year, right now I am protecting myself from his damage.

Can anyone relate...family is still family, he is still someone I care about, but there is a limit, at least right now, and he doesn't get my heart. Nero, you get it, it's not fun when they suckk and you have to be there for them anyway.

eeeek dawn-

when you're saying this stuff -

Quote:

Can anyone relate...family is still family, he is still someone I care about, but there is a limit, at least right now, and he doesn't get my heart. Nero, you get it, it's not fun when they suckk and you have to be there for them anyway.

i'm thinking of how i get with my mother. i swear, yesterday i thought i'd blow my brains out if i spent time in her company. even tho she was allll feeble and being nice- i swear- i couldn't even talk to her- or look at her. i just wanted out- away.

the "screamer" with my brotherinlaw didn't help- tho, he was sooooo f'ing bizerk - it kind of was something humorous if it wasn't so darn grusome. what a jerk- my poor neice. but at least i know i didn't imagine what a screaming jackass he was in the hospital in january-

i hope to God that's now how my sister lives with him- having such venomous and hateful blowups. she's like him in tht- so much for being alllll sophisticated and power couple and meditating (??)) and so on....

give me my life anytime i think.

hope you're doing okay- i getyour feelings. idk- i guess we do what we can as long as we think we can- and when our brains are going to explode- we step back, or out.

xxoo hand on dearie

hey hi dawn -

I hope things are going okay with your poor miserable patient- i'm picturing you in your sexy little nurse dress & apron- white crisp hat- smiling little cheery face- and poor old h on the floor- oh geeeeeez..... do not trip on or over him...

sorry for being such a crabby jerk last bunch of days- i know what a self-serving whiner i can be-

idk how the heck to lose the "anger" junk i have in response to my mother's alternate neediness & critical meanness-

there's gotta be a way- need to find it- today- endeavoring to not allow myself - FOR ANY REASON - BE ratty.

onward & upward huh??? st. nero of the broken resolutions here-

xxoo(())

HEy Nero-No he's no better and the nasty seems to be here to stay, as if this is setting him right where he belongs, on a crapb pill of complaints.

He had a dream he was arguing with a very old male friend of mine and they talked about they everything H has been doing to this family. The friends said, why haven't you left yet? Why are you still there?

H woke up telling me how he was yelling at the friends...because I said I was never leaving my family, not even my family is going to make me leave. Let me do what I have to do.

That's when I realized....again what I already knew. HE is who is going to be now. He even said as much. I'm so glad I am mentally ready and am good with still saying, I'm done!

My mom texted me this morning asking if I want more info from her cold email about my parents leaving for another state. Of course I do, your my friken parents moving to a place you have no family or friends.

People sux, she wants me to want the info so she can give it to me in drips and drabs. NOw, I have my grandson, she never asked about him.

This MLC is not going to take or do to me anything else. I was surprised at the sound of my tone when yelled at h yesterday. He's like a muppet character with his cane spew harsh words.

When will I get a break, do I have to leave? Do I have to force him out?

NEro, I do wish you a good day....I wish we could have a good day together!

oh Dawn, you are going thru such a hard time right now. But I don't believe what your H told you, that "HE is who is going to be now. He even said as much." He is being who he is right now, but he is not going to be like this forever.

Maybe one of the vets could help you here, but it does not seem to me that your H is anywhere near the end of his MLC. Judging by Sandi's stages, it seems like he is moving out of replay into depression, and you say he has been angry the entire time. But you can't know what his final personality will be like when he is done, you can't judge the end by what you see now.

I know you are fed up, and that is your right. Who wouldn't be? It is your right oo kick him (and the rest of your selfish family) to the curb if you need to Dawn. But I don't think you should leave your home.

H is back on the couch, making the living room a mess announcing he's back in a depression. I don't care!!!!!

And, now he can't walk, work, nothing but lay there. This is not good for my DBing, I just wanna bounce him.

Why is he cripple now? Just as my date comes up...is this some kinda karma, don't push you MLCer.

Either way, I haven't a clue what I am standing for anymore. Not one clue.

Dawn,
Don't change your mind about the date. If you do, he'll know it was an idle threat. I may be wrong, and I hope that I am, but could this be a ploy to get you to change your mind?

Dawn stay the course. Do not pick up after him and do not coddle him.

Take care of you and your children and grandchild. Leave your h to his own mess.

hiya dawn-

i'd give my eye teeth for a day of fun- don't even have ability at this moment to know what that would be!!!

your h - if i had to say, it's who blinks first. he's in such a giant giant panic aboutyou standing your ground and him thinking he should be kicked out- or might be kicked out (whatever that really means) he's disabled. that would be my call (as you know- i'm no one in particular - so take it for what it's worth here) you are the one who knows.

wouldn't you think definitely that as the deadline approaches and he's actually expected to put his money where his mouth is- he's faltering (rather badly).

i'd say if you can- do not leve YOUR HOME - ignore or work around whatever you can- if you can find something out of the house to do or participate with- do that. ...

i guess if it were me- i'd try to not talk to him unless he were asking something specific- i'd try and just act neutral and non participatory. (i'm sayin i'd try - i 'm not sayin i could manage it- ) he's putting you in the hard place - what else is new- he's GOING TO FORCE YOU TO BE THE BAD GUY-.

my h too i believe- nothing will happen unless i do it (at this one minute anyway) i'm not being the one. i'm going to fully use hm rite back til he cracks forst - unless i magically want to be shed of him- have someone else, whatever- THEN if it's convenient for me- i'll be the dumper.

til then- he can suck it up. (whatever it is) can ya hang on some more? i don't think handing over or handing in your life will serve you-

xxoo - wish i caould come visit- he'd hear us laughing and talking in other romo- wish he were "fun guy" again adn sharing your fun life again- etc. Oh well- he picked it- didn't he.

my neice said that yesterday- "you picked him" we throw it around - around here. oh man- i sure did...

been reading with my ncied (15) who procrastinated on her summer reading assignments- but she can do it- for some reason laying around reading with me (i love to read btw) seems to push her into doing it with out much pain- we even are able to chat about the books she's reading- i read the huge one- it's an interesting as hell book and lots about it to chat about (A prayer for Owen Meany- John Irving) worth reading- it's also a good justification for me to just stop and do something i enjoy instead of thinking i need to go thru life "doing my chores" and not allowing me to just be free. wrking on that too...

anyway- so that has been good to sandwich in- she comes to my moms w/ me - so that's a break also

we're going shopping today (neice & I) - local sister picking up mom-slack- me, off hook for one minute and taking full advantage- i don't care how she and nazisis manage for today and tomorrow- let them.

i know soon enough they go back to their lives and it's all sitting over there- calling me- nagging me, etc.

we'll see tho- this worm is trying like hell to turn. you too- be caring & nice girl you are- but don't be same old dawn who is re-immersed. he smells it- your defection. ya can't hide it- you couldn't "be " THE SAME if you wanted to- they do smell it-

idk where it goes or ends tho- soooo - if you& I are not being the heavy and walking out the door- i guess we're playin the waiting game - still...

good luck man-

hope your day is good xxoo

Been separated for 3 months now and wife has filed for D. We have 3 children and I am trying anything to pull our family back together. I want to of course my W does not want in marriage anymore.
Any advice will be welcomed

See Nero, that's the thing.

I don't care what he thinks he knows about me, or how he perceives my actions. I really don't. He can think I love him until my dying day, or hate his guts. I can serve him breakfast on the floor as he lays crippled on his back or I can serve a three course meal in the kitchen and offer him nothing.

If nothing I do matters either way and he will be back in MLC EA land asap, what does it matter how I change myself for him, or not?

Food served to him is just humane, it's who I am and not being someone else, changing for him. Walking away is also who I can be, and I guess sends a signal, tho not my intention, just me doing me.

I am in control of my R with him, he is a weasel, and this is my life, I do what I want. I go on this thread in front of him, I cook what I want, I use the money as I want, he is not going to dictate my life, or use this MLC EA sh!t over me.

I have not shed a tear for him in months, and told him the last time I cried, don't think these are for you!

Have fun with your niece, get her to teach you how to deactivate your other FB so it doesn't meld with the DB one, and learn how to see your private message like you said you would.

Glad to hear your sticking up to your sister, it's like everyone around us needs DBing.

Snodderly, no he can't fake this, it's been messy and real. But, the date has gone waist side, but not the subject, and it never will. Thanks for you good wishes.

Dawn

What would have happened if his back had gone bad after he'd left?

Maybe I wouldn't have never known. I guess that would depend on where he ended up. His own place, EA's, his car. Either way it will happen again, his back that is, not the bowl obstruction which is what the real problem is right now, because he has an issue.

I would not want to be contacted or told.

I'm not sure if I answered your question.

You did... I was hoping your answer would tell you too what the answer is NOW.

Your H may not be actively "faking" but the timing is certainly convenient.

I wonder what he thinks would/will happen when the next health crisis strikes and NurseDmarie is not available.

(((hugs))) to you. Keep being true to yourself.

Hi Dawn,

I love long weekends. Finally get a chance to catch up.

You sound thoroughly fed up and angry and I do not blame you. I think up some truly hideous tortures for xSO that I can't help but wonder if I was an inquisitor in a former life.

Dawn, just offering a bit of a different perspective here. You said that you feel you wouldn't be true to you if you did not stop caring for him. I know that you used the words treating humanely but your actions are those of caring for him. In my opinion your H is thoroughly enjoying playing the victim here. For whatever reason, he appears to be content to let you keep him as some kind of pet while he howls about his troubles that he has no intention of working toward fixing.

Dawn we KNOW that you are a kind and compassionate person. You are not acting I compassionately by forcing him - yes forcing him - to look after his own sorry butt. Enabling behaviour is not heathy for anyone. Compassion and enabling should not be confused. Ask anyone who grew up or lived with a severe alcoholic.

I know it feels very wrong. For me letting go of the belief that I could somehow fix or control someone else was and still is a difficult thing to do. If you truly want him out, you need the wherewithal to act like it. Snodderly gave some good suggestions. Remember as well that self-respect and self-preservation is also part of who you are.

I sure hope I didn't sound too preachy. I very much wish the best for you and am in your corner whatever you choose.

Dawn "If nothing I do matters either way and he will be back in MLC EA land asap, what does it matter how I change myself for him, or not?

I am in control of my R with him, he is a weasel, and this is my life, I do what I want. I go on this thread in front of him, I cook what I want, I use the money as I want, he is not going to dictate my life, or use this MLC EA sh!t over me."

I'm glad to hear that you are in control of your life and actions and reactions Dawn, thru your H's recent illness. And I understand why you are helping him, and gave him him a temporary reprieve on the deadline to move out. It's a kind of humanitarian effort on your part. A bowel obstruction is painful and can be dangerous.�

But none of this means he will return to "MLC EA land" ever. Please don't think like that. You know that his mind is in a fog right now, but he is really trying to give up that alkie OW of his.�

I hope you have a better day today!

hey hiya dawn-

i was only responding to the head scratching regarding his missed deadline and falling apart - bad luck? coincidence? or him "stalling" on the deadline- consciously or unconsciously - I sure didn't mean to suggest you were doing anything "for" him or as a ploy of any kind ... eeeek ... i don't think he consciously knows what the he!l is going on with him.

what i was commenting on is him and his "illness" and his back - and him falling apart. i'm just sayin- if i had to guess it's all about him freaking out so bad it's turned physical- that he doesn't want to go - can't bring himself to go, feels "unable" to go, etc.

you - i hear ya- you've said it for some time and i honestly believe you're livin in dawnland now and he is not influencing you any more. well, not any more than a banging screen door - - - it's on the "to do" list in life and ya need to "get around to it" someday - in the end.

the whole mother thing- wow about your mom moving. she's a coolish customer - i guess she just is havin her life- & nothin personal man...., just business... was she raised by a cool-ish mother???

you sound like a warm & fuzzy mom- idk what that would be like- i think my two sisters with kids are all into supporting their kids. i'm like that w/ my neices. the kids would go to them FIRST w/big troubles. it says something big - that.

i'm always amazed- I'D never go to my mother with anything personal - she'd say - "that's stupid" (and i quote) - she was a good mother i think- BUT v chillie - it's all about her & her feelings and "get lost & grow up" when it comes to her kids' "junk". (at any age - you're on your own with anything non-physical affliction) maybe it's a good thing and it toughs us up - idk. my mother HATED HER MOTHER's hardness- ta da....

it's a wierd old life- the inter-actions of people, family, etc.

i guess it could be endless entertainment - unraveling it all- or endless torment -or just SOMETHING floating around out there that i am waaaaay too tired to bother with anymore.

idk- maybe it's all got to be "let go" at some point in life - by everyone or it's the endless torment thing.

my mom & sister's WAR - THEY never let ANYTHING go- it's ALWAYS a giant issue- it's old old old & exhausts us all -

man oh man- women & their mothers.

sorry- i'm allover today. just hopin you're doing okay and so on- sound good despite "it all".

try & not let the mother thing getya down- it's the same old thing- pursue & they run- run & they pursue? maybe??? you're lucky if you escape the takin care of mom thing - when she's ancient- look at the bright side - she's not NEEEEEEDY & expcetant & demanding ...... ICK ICK ick

my mom wants to be cold mom- BUT also wants my undying service- ick ick ick ick (while criticizing me for being a wimp - go figure) i'm bowing OUT OF THAT LOOP FOREVER i've decided - well, the caring about it (emotions - psychologY) now, how to put that into play????.....

baby sniff - i need one rather badly- well, don't we all daily???

hope your day is good- ive got a seminar at school and then idk - maybe yank some darn morning glories- need to badly- laundry - etc - help neice in afternoon w/book reviews, etc.- idk

xxoo

Quote:

For whatever reason, he appears to be content to let you keep him as some kind of pet while he howls about his troubles that he has no intention of working toward fixing.

You are not acting I compassionately by forcing him - yes forcing him - to look after his own sorry butt.

Thanks Portia, you have a good way with words!

This first paragraph was good...you made me laugh "as he howls"!

Linda, you give me more hope than H could fill in a thimble. I will hold on to your words but guard them carefully. Thanks

Snodderly, I think I stuck to my "date" at least the idea behind it. That's what's most important, dates can be changed, it's the meaning of is all that needs the most attention. It was good advise

.............
If I gave an impression that I am waiting hand and foot here, I'm not. I only offer meals as he's lays on the floor.

I wrote out of anger yesterday, I'm sorry to have dumped that here. My anger is that I am fully aware this is not my life, he is not nice, and I don't want to take care of him because of that.

I trust nothing, and am not enjoying my time coddling him ''for the moment'' or otherwise. It seemed to me at the time to be a necessity.

YOu and everyone else is right, he has no intentions on working toward anything and has made no attempt to show he will.

Today he is walking with his cane and seems to be getting around. I told him to clean his dishes, and the load of his stuff by the door needs to be moved out of the way since he is still here.

I also made it clear he is on my allotted time schedule, and I will not tolerate life "as is". He tried to tell me to change my wording and my response was that I will not ''watch" what I say to him, nor will my wording by altered to make him feel less offended. I am not being rude or demanding, I am being honest. I guess he doesn't like being shown his ''sorry butt''.

If he wants to make anything work between us as a family it is him who needs to "watch" himself. He's been very humble since our talk.

I'm not trying to belittle anyone or show myself as a bully, I am standing for myself now and if that means I seem harsh, he can take it, he's has taken actual abuse from a maggot for 2 years, no, he sought abuse for 2 years (and maybe still will).

He walked thru my cracked door and came to me. Not out of ''waking up" or any kind of realization, but for physical healing. Tho I wish he would take this time for mental healing, I have no expectations.

I do have my Stand and my expectations for how he will act around my family and towards me, and have made them very clear in a respectful manor. "treat your MLCer how you would want to be treated"!

Dawn, when I first got the bomb, I made myself some promises and then I made a roadmap.

They helped me to stay the course I had decided for myself.

The way I came to make this roadmap and those promises was how I wanted to see things and myself when I looked back on this time in my life.

So, I decided that above everything else, I wanted to stay true to myself regardless of the sitch, what my xh was doing and what others might think.

That meant this for me - I did not want to do anything to hinder the relationship between my son and his father, I wanted to keep my moral compass intact, I wanted to act with dignity and honor.

I did not allow what others thought or said to veer me off the road.

I kept my promises and I am glad I did.

I want to say to you that you should never apologize for being angry on here. That's what this place is for. It is a safe place to get your feelings out.

You are a strong, compassionate woman. You do what you think is best for you, as long as it is not to your detriment, as long as it doesnt affect your heart.

I dont know what your h's agenda is. I do know that those in MLC will do whatever it takes to satisfy their needs.

You have the power here, Dawn. I understand compassion. I also understand how someone can take advantage of that.

Make your roadmap, sweetie.

hey dawn-

it's true - be you. be mad- get that out too. we dont' mind - be honest and be DAWN - it's really all we have. ourself. be TRUE TO THAT FIRST AND FOREMOST-

allllll the rest - idk- BUT if you follow your gut and make your own decisions based on your own heart & gut & whatever -

you can always feel satisifed - as the years roll away- if you look back- you WILL NOT have to have regrets or second thoughts if you did your absolute best with each decision- and you do-

even looking back at my sister that died- i was true to who i was and my r with her- she knew that. i know it's not as simple & i couldn't save her- it's sad but okay somehow - because we both were exactly who we were - even that last afternoon we visited and were sitting on the couch picking on mom in the kitchen - laughing at the dead flowrs & some dopey tv show- - like since we werek ids- very very ho hum- very very who we were.

my sister that yelled and tried to be alll TOUGH LOVE AND DR. PHIL_ - makes herself cry remembering it all- she wasn't here and she was being all what she sees on tv and someone else tells her she shold be- she's got lots of regrets --

now she's sorry now but it's too damn late.

i'm thinking we won't have that- at the end of the day (whatever the heck that is)

carry on- sounding good

xxoo, but

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2373579&page=1

Originally Posted By: uRworthy

Dawn,

You are a strong, compassionate woman. You do what you think is best for you, as long as it is not to your detriment, as long as it doesn't affect your heart.

I don't know what your h's agenda is. I do know that those in MLC will do whatever it takes to satisfy their needs.

You have the power here, Dawn. I understand compassion. I also understand how someone can take advantage of that.

Make your roadmap, sweetie.

My own road map? Gonna work on that one! I really appreciate these words!

I did this wrong...moving to new topic! One more try!