http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2366391&page=1This was a good thread, lot of excellent posts, thanks!
This morning was met with H's usual, I work double shift today great workaholic mood.
I'm convinced he is dabbling in trying to do it all. Work, chores, sleep when he can, and I am in there also as he trys to keep me content so I don't change up anything on him. This is not a M, it's a rotation of what-to-do to make the day go right. Neeext... W needs, kiss on cheek, clean house, hug, cheeeck
I'm detaching everyday and expecting little, while on guard for what may come up.
I really think he has this idea that we are good and life can be just like this forever. Today he brought up working in Vegas again, ( we were suppose to move there pre MLC) after MLC it was, you go I'll travel to and from for work during the seasons, and I wasn't having it. Today I was like sure, lets talk about it, I'll go, you stay, hum we'll see how far my willingness takes me.
Either way, I am working on what I am going to do for me. Such a hard road I travel to let him go, and he's still here getting closer, and I just want to WAW. Nero, I know you don't like hearing that, I'm not, it's just always on my options list.
I really think he has this idea that we are good and life can be just like this forever.<- Yours
I really think he has this idea that
we are good and life can be just like this forever. <- Mine
Makes you crazy crazy crazy doesn't it? The last sort-of R talk I had with H I told him I didn't see how I could continue "as is" until the twins turned 18. He told me that I could, and that if necessary I could go 10 years.
Well sure, maybe, with like electroshock therapy or a lobotomy...
This new alone road is hard. I am trying to figure out if its harder than the current together-but-not-really road.
Take care
i know- sorry man if i'm a bit too darn "pollyanna" - i want you to be happy. it's not that i don't like it- it's that i'm a bit of an over-thinker in life - for me and everyone and i'm soooo prudent i may as well be wearing cement shoes. not so good a thing anyway- ignore me whenever i'm crazy. nothin personal
honestly- i think if my h was the guy pursuing for whatever reason- i'd have a different set of priorities borne of MY FEELIng in charge instead of being on the receiving end.
i know me- it's a consideration- if i'm feeling pushed around- or if i'm feeling empowered.
it does affect what's going on with me. i hate admitting this- it sounds shabby- but it's a different world when i'm the guy in teh driver seat. i'm more choosey i guess
oh well- i do hope you're feeling good and having an okay day. i am behind ya man- whatever you decide.
me- spent from about 10:30 a.m. to 6:-m w/ mom- in and out of dental office - have a fitting, etc- go get lost for an hour and a half or so- several times to get these teeth made.
theyll be ready tomorrow afternoon- worth knowing that there are actual dental clinics that are also the labs where the dentures are made- none of this crappola of dentist in town saying it'll take a month to get them made, fitted, etc.
oh man----
i'm too tired to even write so i'm heading to shower- walked as soon as got home - walkng too late makes me too charged up to be able to get to sleep at any reasonable hour-
maybe bath& glass of wine with some strawberries in it- wish you were here to join me- it's even a bit cool otu- yay-
oh well.hang in there - i'm glad you're feeling in charge there- it's a good thing.
xxoo
guys -
my h said once "we can get used to anything" in the end. meaning - i could "get used to" a stupid life like i have now w h and him w ow - wtf???
true i'm still here- false i plan to just be a jerk forever and he gets to have his life as it is and i hang around for the crumbs -
alone is hard- sometimes it's kind of okay- but i'm ever coginzant he's payng the bills and it will not be easy (or maybe even possible) alone for me-
one has to cover one's butt - no?
xxoo it does stink- isn't it just crazy ??????? what can be going on in their heads? crazy as a box of frogs
Funny, MIZ, mine said the same thing, what's the real difference between now and before, not much has changed! Ok, stupid me!
I was never one to accept someone else's way of how my life should go, and H is no exception.
I realized yesterday that H is almost a stranger to me. After 2 yrs he has become someone I don't know at all, not only MLC guy, but him, his likes, dislikes, eating habits, friends, entertainment, even his conversation is different.
Not only is he MLC gone, he's gone to me as familiar friends, it's almost awkward. When he holds me, I try, but it's meaningless to me. I tried pushing it to hold on to something between us, I held him back, I rubbed his back, but it's not there, it's emotionless.
I hope this is normal, and if we ever head into forgiveness and reconciliation all will return in it due time, even better. If not I am getting more comfortable w moving on as he slips away.
Today is another cooler day in the Midwest, and I need to get out! I am never up this early but I have H radar, I hate it, and woke up as soon as H Didn't come home this morning. So now I'm up, aware he's not here, assuming he's w EA cleaning up another tragedy.
I need a coffee buddy, nice walk, coffee, and plans for tonight
Boy Dawn, that's rough. "I realized yesterday that H is almost a stranger to me. After 2 yrs he has become someone I don't know at all, not only MLC guy, but him, his likes, dislikes, eating habits, friends, entertainment, even his conversation is different." My H is completely different too, but I know what he eats, does, etc., because we live together. I have no idea what he's thinking however. Nothing, probably.
MzJ, "Makes you crazy crazy crazy doesn't it? The last sort-of R talk I had with H I told him I didn't see how I could continue "as is" until the twins turned 18. He told me that I could, and that if necessary I could go 10 years." How could he possibly know how much you can tolerate??? Ten more years of MLC craziness? Although the MLC craziness is probably reason he said this at all. Whew....
So H calls me this morning hyper about something going at his night job, I say where are you, he said that's not important. Well, my mom worked in a hospital for 30yrs, I know what they sound like, oh yea, he's brought EA to get her Cataract surgery done.
He goes on about work related things, babbling about hours. I said, really you don't care what I think about where your at, why is this up to you, ''he said she's my friend. He said, I don't care what you think of me, do you really think I'm like that, I don't care what people think.
Where are you gonna go...I work for the family that's all I care about. Your fine, healthy, comfortable, you can't leave, and if you do want to go, to Vegas and create an avenue for me to get work in season, you'll be happy there, that's all I care about''.
I was right, he is on some kind of mission to hold down this fort, and keep me content, so he can circle around the planet and not have to worry about me. It's as if he maintains all his ducks in a row at home, so he's worry free to go hyper manic in the city.
This is not a M, this is a joke, how would something like this ever end, it feels more like a way of life, it works for him, why would he change. I could NC or go black for yrs, what's it to him, as long as he's fulfilling his obligations. He doesn't see anything else as an obligation...it's all human emotional junk.
Then he says don't worry as long as your going to get into heaven that't all I worry about, your fine! This is my spiritual battle! Don't you think HE has to see what I'm doing, even though it hurts you, as a good thing for one of his children?
This is why I say I'm done, how do you fight that? I know you don't fight it per se, but there is no tactic on my part that would even begin to effect his head trauma!
The sooner we don't have to live together the better. This superman complex he has needs to fizzle and die, but not at my hands!
The whole time he speaks about how he has me and the kids all snuggled up at home and safe, w health insurance, $$$ and food, so let him go do this for one person who has nothing, won't God see that!?
UH, no! You can't be rewarded for planting new seeds if you had to trample over your already blooming flowers to get there.
hey hi-
i'm that buddy - too darn bad i'm in the wrong state(s).
i could kill for a cup of joe and walkin buddy on this cool day- raining tho- might not be able to walk tonite- rats. could use it to nite...
plan for tonite - goofy old british shows - seen most a million times but oh well huh? fanticize about running off to England & out of this life into another (and wonderful) one. fingers crossed- hey, maybe i'll go get a lottery ticket and make myself laugh at the insanity of it. it does make me laugh - every time - like a charm.
i don't feel like i know h anymore too-.
i also get the "ackward" too- i truly wonder how he doesn't feel it or care about it- and just carries on & so far keeps coming here. wtf . how can he be soooo un-aware or unbothered? he seems to be tho- idk dawn- they are wierd as can be.
he's just some other person. i also wonder if it all comes back- if it's the "right thing" to happen. ya have to wonder
i don't even think that far in advance anymore- idk at all- not one darn bit.
maybe im assuming im just waiting for "the end". idk about that too. oh man- i don't know anything.
i'm going to have a cozy nite and i'm glad my mother has her stupid teeth and i don't have to interact with her anymore today. she wears me out- i must be grinding my jaw like mad- took a few asprin.
it was so nice for my neice to offer & come to dentist today to just distract mom- she's a sensitive & caring little soul- i surely appreciate that and count that blessing. that she offers - in this family where mostly one HAS TO ASK ACROSS the board- it's nice to have a caring little person around.
i love that kid.
it's a shame i can't manage to do better - instead of just constantly have remorse about not "doing better". it would seem it aint there- and aint happenin - i am just not a generous & altruistic daughter. oh well huh????
anyway- i think some wine- maybe sew something- put away (finally - if my mother doesn't have another meltdown) the piles of "stuff" - pack a few things for shore and go in the morning. allll the projects around house planned for week got left behind in light of tooth tragedy. oh well huh?
don't know what else- think i'll find a big ole raincoat and go get that lottery ticket- see, just thinking about the insanity of actually getting it and planning for five minutes what to do with my bazillion millions makes me smile- ya gotta love the insanity of human nature - donja??
get outside for a minute or two
xxoo have a great nite-
"constantly have remorse about not "doing better". it would seem it aint there- and aint happenin - i am just not a generous & altruistic daughter. oh well huh????"
You know what Nero, I think you are a great daughter. You have the exact same attributes as your little niece.
Nero, read you thread, my last post to you was good, I put some things out there for you to consider.plus, since then lots of people have been sparking about you!
You have touched a lot of people and now they want to hear from you! Make sure you ok, before H comes and you disappear, don't disappear!
Well, I spent the whole day trying to GAL, spent time w my S22 as he built a computer, ordered food, and tried w all my might not to get pissed off, and to remember, H is not worth my sadness, what would he be doing here anyways, nothing w me.
H called at 3pm from POS hospital, I was hoping she died in surgery. I asked him again why is he there, he said he met her, he has to see this through, plus the city doesn't offer rides home from the hospital like in our nice cushy community suburb. I said I thought you hate her, he said, I do at times, but this isn't about liking her or not.
He said do you want me to come home, I said one day you will come home just in time for me to say, good-by...it's been interesting, he hummed at me. I said I will do what I do, and find more things new in my life while your gone, you won't know me, and you do what you do.
He stayed quiet. He said, S22 asked to work a different stage than me for work, I said yes, what do you expect, your not gaining any points here. He said I'm not doing anything bad, S22 said it's wrong if your family disagrees w what your doing, and your W is against it.
And, w grand-baby 8/24, on the way it's just another person he's going to sacrifice, for his journey.
Now tomorrow he'll walk in from work "as if" polite and helpful, and I will be walking out the door. My dog, aka I, have a court date for running away...and then breakfast, and then the mall for some perfume refills, then over to Honda for some break lights, and whatever else.
I am so over this sh!t, I wish he would move out.
You can't be rewarded for planting new seeds if you had to trample over your already blooming flowers to get there.
Wow, Dawn, what a great way to put it!
My XH used to complain that he would do anything for his friends and no one seemed to recognize that.
True, he'd drop anything for his friends, including his wife and at times, even his son.
I'm pretty sure God wants us to have priorities and put our family before everyone else, but our MLCers seem to forget that.
i do want to disappear- haven't tho. it's something i like to say out loud and make myself smile. and remind myself it is entirely MY CHOICE - i am an adult - i am able - i have a car- credit cards & a good brain- (what holds me & stops me idk-).
THAT sounds like i feel FREE - and while i know i am - I DO NOT BY ANY MEANS FEEL IT.
this guilt & obligation crap is bogging me down- my spiel has always been compassion - we allll can afford it for our fellow man. - but in all honesty- sometimes i find myself saying enough is enough. (even knowing my mother sitch is not as bad as most people.) no kidding - it's the MENTAL GRIND gettng me down here- (her overt disdain really throws me off some edge all the time) doesn't say much for my character or stamina - does it??? i mean- HOW MANY TIMES can one be surprised over the same thing- the minute the CRISIS is over- and i do mean THE MINUTE - THE "disgust" pours out of her and over the room & the complaints begin. she will now complain about her teeth, the cost, the distance (still some adjustments to go), why i made her go, why i didn't make her go, why i didn't choose somewhere closer, etc., etc.
she is actually surprised and angry at the notion she should treat me as she would a stranger - it pisses her off to think she should treat this daughter as just another human being-
actually- i have credit cards & could do it any minute i feel like it... - it would feel soooo good to just surprise the hell out of her & H - who feel THEY KNOW ME SOOOO WELL. they don't know ME at all- i am quite sick of hearing it- and feeling their "comfort" at thinking i'll ALLLLWAAAYS BE THERE.
UH HEM- please call ex H - he soooo never thought i'd go., oh well - what do people think they are doing??? in life with their r?
i keep thinking how long do we need to just suck up "poking with a sharp stick" before we just walk out? rightfully or wrongfully ???
this woman who HATES BEING OLD AND is mad as hell about that. and gonna spread it around to the stinking person she THINKS won't ever ditch her.. how she figures that is a good idea i cannot imagine. i think she despises me for being a doormat while she's dumping on me because i'm the only one she feels free to????? and someting like that - she HATES neeeeeding to ask me for one darn thing- so every time she needs to dump her anger at HAVING to ask, by being awful-
something wierd & twisted that, honestly, who has time for or energy to deal wth??? and why bother- it could be not so bad if she were even remotely pleasant. i'll go a long long way for someone who is merely 'NICE" TO ME - why this continual wading thru $hit to assist her- when i'd do it for a please & thankyou? without having to feel like - well ALLLLL THIS???
idk about psycho people- i want far far away from all this mental twist & turn junk.
i'm a pretty nice & happy girl- leave me alone people with the torment & crappola... i roll over for a calm , little "nice" pat on the head
do you think people just want to "tip over the bucket" somehow with people who are okay in life and just pretty much even and happy- that they can't stand to see it so they hate you? (well, me?) is it something like that? if i'm not twisting in torment they can't stand seeing someone calm or happy? or good natured
i can't even imagine what the heck about me is soooo "in your face" that i inspire such reactions//?? OH YUCK-I THINK IT'S THE ABOVE THING I JUST TYPED AND DIDN'T EVEN STOP AND REALIZE- MAYBE PEOPLE WHO ARE KINDA TORTURED IN LIFE CAN'T STAND SEEING ANYONE ELSE HAPPY- (UH OH!!!
she said once "you care too much" to me/? an accusation. wtf does that mean? i never asked for a darn thing- i pretty much live to serve (WELL- USED TO) and i know for a fact she's jealous of any r i have with family, friends, h, you name it. she resents I "pander" to anyone but her..... sick and sick and sick man
JERKY- but no kidding- I AM SO SORRY WORLD for this bunch of wah wah crappola. this morning- thinking of old aunt trudi laying there unconscious - dying very probably
she just plugged long- and endured. she was a woman alone and she worked and took care of everyone in her family (they all died young & first) and herself and made friends and has worked up til day before going into hospital- she's 89 and began volunteering & working (9-3 every day at a local clinic for poor people)minute she retired - and kept on rite til end and forever. she knew she liked people and made sure to cultivate friends & company and activities, and was smart about that. she was pleasant and her brain was good-
SO HERE'S THE WACKY THING (and it happened once before with my old aunt rhodie who died years ago and i'd had contact now or then - i still write letters). anyway- had a notion to write three days in a row- kept making a big note with write to her on it- and next day she died. no kidding (some kind of mental "plea" out there in universe.
trudi- monday i mailed the letter to her i'd written day or so before- just had a notion i should write- tell her how much i admired her attitude in life, etc. - tuesday he took her into hosp. i missed the boat because i procrastinated mailing it- but she was in my thoughts & somehow i was getting some notion of need of some sort. i think anyway- like thinking there's more going on "out there" in universe than what we strictly know and think.
okay- i'm out of here- sorry for ranting- this mother junk gets to me- i will now move out of this "place" and continue on in life. after all- after allllll that junk - she called last nite lateish in middle of stinking downpour because her tv wouldn't work- so who ran over- ta da. i just can't get enough - can i?
who is this woman i've become???
thanks for listening
sorry for dumperoo
xxoo
I need advise. This is the first time H didn't come home in the morning second day in a row.
Recap: H works nights, he didn't come home yesterday to take and sit all day w EA in surgery, then he went to work, (conveniently it's by her house, and hr from here). Today, he got off of work at 6am and again, for the first time didn't come home a second day.
Now being that it's Sat he doesn't work tonight.
How do I handle this? What do I say when he eventually shows up? He's probably going to say he needed to feed her blah blah?
I am detached and not feeling the anxiety of this, thank thank thank God! To me it feels more dignified on his part to not come home, but he will. Cake eating...not sure of the definition of that, he's not enjoying happy happy times when he is here, I rarely speak to him.
Right now I would prefer he never came home again! That's not anger, it's relief.
He will, if I go by what he says, she's a helpless person he needs to play out his journey w, no PA, and he doesn't want to leave me. 
I am detaching (doing ok) but how do put a boundary on this act of coming home after the kids and I know where he's been, he didn't hid it, but it's still completely unexceptable to our family.
I feel like a doormat, or a fool just letting him walk in quietly, start chores, and I say nothing, but is that the best route regardless?
I hate this, he says everything sweet about me, our home, our family and after 2yrs, he's still searching, why does he have to search in the gutter?
I lost the court date w dog, paid $60 for him to get caught taking a walk, highlight of my day!
Hey Dawn.
Wow. Sorry he's being a super-jerk.
Can you be gone when he gets home? Maybe even an overnight somewhere?
And when you do see him, say nothing. Like you didn't even notice he was gone.
You seem to be getting close to the end of your rope.
What sort of boundary do you think you could establish about this? You know you can't stop him from staying out, so what sort of natural consequences can you put in place for this behavior? Or, do you envision a simple "H, I find it unacceptable for you to stay out all night." kind of thing?
I think, you need to make some kind of change. Isn't there a MWD post somewhere about doing "something" different if one isn't getting the preferred, or any, response? IDK, but I sense that if something doesn't change for you that you may "crack" just a bit
Hoping a sage will stop by with guidance for you.
Thanks MIz, no sage but you stopped by, that's something! Thanks!
H left me a message:
I fine...don't worry about me, I am outside enjoying a beautiful day alone, why does the sky have to be ruined by F-ing airplanes. I'm alone, God is my witness, I'm not doing anything against the family or you, I know I say things like, I don't care, but it's my way of trying to justify and not feel the guilt of my actions.
I don't know how to handle life anymore since the loss of all I worked for, I need to be free, I'm not really free but it feels free at the park right now. Take the family and have fun, direct them away from following me, I went on a different path, you guys are not to follow.
I know I'm doing wrong, I'm trying to go off on my own, separate myself from you, but really I'm trying to separate from me. I serve no purpose in this life. I know you don't have a partner now, your alone alot, I'm alone too, I'm not seeking fun, I know I will have alot to answer to HIM.
When you speak to me, your sweet and nice and I know you L me, want me around and I can't take that, I can't handle the guilt of not giving you that, it zaps me and that's why I drop out of life at times, I wish I could clone myself and give you back your H.
Your still my family, nothing much has really change, has it, I'm still me....I'm just angry, the family we built is there! You enjoy it, you did do what I expected of you, you made a home, and your still doing it, just don't include me in that anymore.
I'm not ready to come home just yet, tho it is getting dark, I just may, I know your not going to scream and shout, but the guilt is already welling up in me, I have to go, (eeekk sounding squeal as if he's cringing at the fact) I need to stop talking, this is not what I want to feel right now, ok, I know you guys have a house, food, $$, and that helps me be able to disappear and not worry. END
For a min I thought this was a suicide message...it's not. Just H's honesty and my reality.
ten min later H calls...
Did you say you made food?
Yes, H it's in the oven, and I made a cake.
OK, I need a bath, It's been 3 days, is there coffee.
Yes, H I actually just made a fresh pot...a bath sounds good.
I'll try to...
Try what?
To come home, (insecure laughter)
H, at the end of the day everyone needs a place to go to, open the door and feel safe. This is yours...you decide.
Ok, I'll be about 40 min. this day went by fast. (insecure chuckle)
Hey Linda, I had just finished praying for God to "see" him and be witness to what he doing out there, funny he used the same words!
He's so broken...I almost feel as if some fog has been lifted off of me with this.
Oh Dawn Marie, are you okay? I'm so sorry, I just caught up on your thread.
What crazy messages. I agree with Mz J - you seem to be getting close to the end of your rope with him and he seems to be losing it completely. I'm the second person here with no answer for you my friend, you DO need a sage. uR or Snodderly. Or Cadet.
My H sounded like this at BD#2, partly rambling, partly lucid, partly rationalizing, partly understanding his own guilt. It was scary.
"I'm trying to go off on my own, separate myself from you, but really I'm trying to separate from me." "I serve no purpose in this life." "I know I will have alot to answer to HIM." "I can't handle the guilt of not giving you that, it zaps me and that's why I drop out of life at times, I wish I could clone myself and give you back your H." "I know you guys have a house, food, $$, and that helps me be able to disappear and not worry."
Holy crappola. I'm so sorry, did he come home? You handled that second phone call so well. God bless you Dawn. In the middle of all this insanity you are this man's rock.
Oh my goodness Dawn.
What a message. He is so lost. Your heart must just break.
Hey Linda, I had just finished praying for God to "see" him and be witness to what he doing out there, funny he used the same words!
He's so broken...I almost feel as if some fog has been lifted off of me with this.
I think God saw, and God allowed you to see as well.
Praying for your strength and your peace Dawn.
did he come home? You handled that second phone call so well. God bless you Dawn. In the middle of all this insanity you are this man's rock
thanks Linda, Yea, he came home an hour later and he was smelly. He really did spend the last 2 days at the lakefront and walking thru downtown to avoid facing the realities of life.
It took some time to come in the house, stopping to lay on the porch first, then the living room floor. I went to bed leaving him to his transition home.
~Today it's obvious to see he is broken, dep, scared, and no where near any expectance or understanding of life. He watched me laugh at something on tv and said, see I don't get the humor...life seems to be such a waist of time, it's pointless.
Maybe...just maybe, he IS seeing everything in front of him and he's just scared to jump in...he keeps saying, why, so I can fail again.
He mentioned work slowing down and us becoming homeless
The bills getting bigger, the kids not making enough $$$, his age, lack of agility, all the MLC stuff.
He said all this in the beginning, tried to cover it all up w an A, drinking, partying, dressing "cool", blaming me, and spending money.
Now he has the same words, insecurities, w a different approach, a more thoughtful, self analyzing, trouble shooting approach, he's reaching out for answers.
Is this an MLC change, is this a path down the tunnel showing any progress or at least movement? For me, it's easier, but it may also be my own ability to WAW and understand it's not about me.
He called me his thread, I saw it yesterday, but I didn't jump in or indulge.
~MIZ, thanks for the prayer, I'll take it! My heart is not really breaking for him as I am too new at practicing detachement, I don't want to backslide, but I am being understanding.
oh Dawn, I do see your H's actions as showing progress thru the tunnel. How difficult this must have been for you. I think you handled it so well.
I don't know much but Dawn from the things I've read about MLC, it seems as if your H has come to that part of his MLC journey when he realizes that the affair, spending money, partying, have not made his fears or pain go away. I think he can see now that you were not the cause of his pain, and that in fact, you are his "thread" holding him to sanity. I've read that after replay, comes depression, but have also read that each MLC journey is different. But I can honestly see how a MLCer realizing that the things he or she did to try to ease their pain did not work and in fact only devastated the person who loved them the most, would be totally depressing.
This must be so hard for you, but I think it's really a good sign. Hang in there Dawn Marie. He's going to need a lot of understanding from you to get thru this part. I'm praying for you too.
from the things I've read about MLC, it seems as if your H has come to that part of his MLC journey when he realizes that the affair, spending money, partying, have not made his fears or pain go away. I think he can see now that you were not the cause of his pain, and that in fact, you are his "thread" holding him to sanity. I've read that after replay, comes depression, but have also read that each MLC journey is different. But I can honestly see how a MLCer realizing that the things he or she did to try to ease their pain did not work and in fact only devastated the person who loved them the most, would be totally depressing
Without getting my hopes up or sounding if I am making excuses, or justifying anything, I do agree.
I read the same thing that's why I was asking others perspective and if it's about that time, and fitting to my sitch. It just may be that realization coming to a head.
The sage advice I get comes from reading others threads and trying to fit it into my sitch.
Thanks for reading, Linda. I'll take the payer, thank you!
Yesterday 3 guys collectively emailed H about his lack of interest in handling "his" responsibilities for work. They we upset that he doesn't do his own invoices, scheduling, and calls, saying that they all find the time while being good H's and handling everything else in life.
My S22 (same industry) called them saying don't lump me in w my dad, he has my mom do those things because he is not a person who handles life or is a good H. If she didn't do the invoices we wouldn't have the mortgage, don't you guys see he's off, stop pretending he's ok, you have known him forever, what do you see wrong here.
Then S22 said to me that I shouldn't be backing H up, but he gets that H won't handle the business if I don't. S22 wan't me to drop it all and let H fall.
This business is our strongest tie and more important than my feelings, or H's anger, it's our life's $$$. How would I drop out, let the crazy guy take over something I have been managing for 20yrs.
He doesn't even know how to use a computer, or scan, or fax, fill out an invoice, nor does he have time, or the mind anymore to learn. He was a computer science major in college and now he is mush!
I read about depression last night and relationships. A lot of spouses WAW when the illness is not taken care of. I'm doing my part of this~ in sickness and of health
I am feeling my own depression looming, I feel to stuck, and I don't have may happy days of fun, or fulfillment. I think I am past the GAL and more intense decisions need to me made.
Yikes, that's scary Dawn. I hope he does not lose his job due to this MLC inertia. Are you serious when you say that he was a computer science major and is now unable to use a computer? Maybe there is something physically wrong with him, besides jello-MLC-brain.
I'm sorry you feel stuck and depressed. I get like that a lot (a couple of times a day sometimes) and you have to pull yourself out of it. Maybe you should talk to your own doctor, they might be able to give you something light to get you over this hump. I don't think the GAL is supposed to be a stage, it's forever. What do you mean that you need to make more "intense decisions"?
Hey hi dawn-
just stopping in for a minute- i didn't read all in depth- caught the quandry about him not coming home- what to do when he shows up-
yeah- this is what i believe i will face in fla- i kind of hate to go & deal with it- i feel like you do- it's such a waste - all of it.
i get the "his journey" thing- where the hell it leaves us besieds feeling like doormats ,e tc. i do not know.
hang on- you're sounding kind of "ok" in spite of this new insanity. you're pretty darn understanding about ita ll- i wonder if i'll hold together as well as you.
i wish i had wisdom to impart- i cannot imagine what to tell you, when i can't imagine how i'll feel & what i'll do and how "calm & together" i will manage to be.
mom is spinning out a bit since i'm leaving sat a.m. have lined up one person to stop by on thurs. pay nurse comes mon wed & fri- and her other two daughters will have to just pitch in and do something (for a change). have paid all her bills up today so aug is okay . haven't done my own- but hey- same old stinking thing- her firsr!!!??/ wonder why???
oh well- HUMOR - she woke me up this morning because she "lost" her new teeth - auuuughhhhhhhhh. ran over - and ta da- there they were - yay in the living room. God help her when i'm gone- between tv not working and teeth bein glost-
i'm outta here. it's 98 degrees already today and i have tons to do- clean & pack up. now that mom is almost done - the amount of crappola "tending" to some old person's life &junk- no, i am not in the least gracious about it.
anyway- sos with me- dread going, dread staying. want to run - as usual. for the moment- still in place. hope you manage okay with your new not-h and this staying away business & dep. Geez dawn, wish i could wisk you away with me and run to England. cool, rainy maybe , good pastry- NO relatives, keeping a pleasant thought for a moment here.
xxoo
hey dawn -
are ya there??? are ya okay??? I just got to fla and read your last few posts
I am feeling my own depression looming, I feel to stuck, and I don't have may happy days of fun, or fulfillment. I think I am past the GAL and more intense decisions need to me made.
________________
i feel like this soemtimes too- I feel it is CRUCIAL i take a stand and pick a direction. then i think about my own finances and the liklihood of being very darn poor and worried ABOUT THAT ALL - AND THEN i weigh it- and then i say one more day- (and then so metimes i'm disgusted thinking i'm a real "worm" who is afraid to takwe on the world today)
i wake up in morning and lay there kind of dreading the day- then say- okay, wtf are you going to do- lay there and die???? and then i get up- get going, and that is that.
stop thinking and move. i can't remember feeling "happy" really exactly yet- BUT i can remember i used to and liked it and valued it.
i'm thinkign it will come again to us gals - sometime - someday. i think your sitch is sucking the life out of you. i think ofyou all the time- becasuse we discuss the "in your face" thing - and then the "being gone" thing.
i'm always saying i'm loney & bored all alone- i hate it; then i get with him and his "ennui' is shoved in my face and i hate it- and it's crappy & i think it would be easier to walk away from him when he's here, then when he's not.
what the heck that means or plays out as- i have no idea.
for this one minute i'm in my "don't think- don't need to decide mode".
\
CAN YOU get your brain to that place a bit- i think it might help you. all the good advice in the universe matters, but doesn't matter too. you are on your course here- if i were in your shoes- i would be doing the same darn thing.
that is true. i'd be doing the books and managing the business as i always had. what in the world would it benefit you, family, kids, h or anhyone in the universe for you to drop that particular ball????
it's bad enough you cannot change your h's brain and make him inspired to want to work & do it rite. why would becoming poor as hell benefit anyone (well, one minute before absolutely necessary. that is my own contention here-
when discussing morals and decisions and "the thing to do" according to "them". th is stupid, unseen, unknown societal big brother that dictates what we're all SUPPOSED TO DO in every stupid situation (on a very vdry superficial level - like, tv and movies say so) .
i honestly think it's how people (americans anyway) live. MY POINT- screw that junk. it's all hooey-
you are the guy in your shoes- you are the guy deciding what is best for you-your life, future, family- comfort, roof over head- etc.
tell your little brain to take a rest and decide your part for this moment is to roll along and see what happens- and do your little part as you always have (which seems to be your comfort level and is your tie toboot). if not that? why would you be here anyway and not run away screaming long long ago.
it is depressing- ive thought a million times i'm depressed - then i force myself to go do something- go visit someone- go depress someone else with my lousy attitude - but go do it anyway. sorry for allt eh people i've forced to endure my attitudes and rants- it had to be done to save self.
go find a support group or anyone in the universe. even if it's a casual new friend for r4anting purposes.
if your h is "gloing down" becasue he won't address his problems and do something to get help- you can do something for dawn and not go down that road with him. rant your head off my dear- here and anywhere you can - find friends to listen- get busy doing anything in the univese that gets you out of house - the stupid ole substituting was good good good- getting the heck out. dressing up and the kids notice everything you wear & say & do. it was affirmation that i was still there - somewhere.
go DO IT - don't allow him to suck you down into his little balck mud hole???
okay- you're worrin me man- i'm not saying i've got it all conquered- it's one tiny minute at a time- one tiny step at a time- you sayign to self rite now- this minute- OKAY , LETS GO EAT A SCONE- DRIVE TO MALL- JOIN AN EXERCISE CLASS- BOOK CLUB- ANYTHING AT ALL- GO FIND A PERSON/PEOPLE/ACTIVITY/JOB/
SOMETING FOR YOU. you are all you have . i am all i have.
i think of sister that died (best friend in universe- "irishtwin" - buddy alan - shore house on market- dad dead- mother heading out- h heading out- it's awful to see your entire life drippng away-
BUT - WE'RE ALIVE and since we intend to remain so- we are all we have - rite. and we can do this. we gotta (or give up and be pitiful wrexcks and end it all- who the heck wants to GO THERE??? I'M ASKIN YA???
BESIDES - you hae a swell bunch of kids lookin at you- seeing what you do and how you handle it- i even put on a good & brave face for my neice who is a caring little thing. at any age- we look at our parents and "see how one does things".
if nothing else- we can be brave for the insttruction it provides to kids we love about how life goes and how one handles it.
i'm not pretending my sitch is as scary as yours sounds eomtiems or as big a downer (except for a stinking broken heart is devastating across the board - everyone's are equal) -
i'm sayin- you are dawnie girl andyou can conquer this and you have to (what is more) for you. okay- now that i've blown hot air allover you- i'm wanting to hear "your little voice" - some how- some way- you'll find your way thru
you know what you want and what you are listening to- your gut and your heart. you're makin your best decisions for you at this moment- go with it- it's what you have to do. it would be sooooo nice and convenient in life to just have someone else run ourl ives with our best interests at heart and not have to bother - but it's not likely to happen in this universe.
you have you- you are doing what's rite for you in a scary and unknown sitch.
i'm sayin- go out of that house and remember your dawnness.
wish i was down the street for coffee now - oh well huh??? osmeday we will all have to meet up and put faces on each other . wonder what we'd think of each other in person- wouldn't it be a scream...
me- i'm thinking lots of cake, cookies, potato chips and wine and whining and moaning and laughing like hell because in person it would seem alot funnier- all of it-
take a deep breath- get your butt over this HUMP and carry on.
you are dawn-
we all can do it- honestly
xxoo (((((( dawn)))))))
Hi Nero. Dawn are you ok?
Hi ladies!
It’s good to hear from you Nero, I don’t like when you go missing, Nero lost in Fl. Thanks for asking Linda, sometimes it gets a little lonely here, you get such great constant feedback on your thread, it was getting depressing for me to come here.
How am I? What does “something more drastic” mean?
Well, I have absolutely had it w H’s comfort in my house, life, world, while he does what he pleases. I have stepped it up a notch and brought some things to light.
I told him it would be best to move out, he needs to work through his sitch w/o me as his witness. I also told him he needs to work thru his allure w EA, get w her or get away, no more “cake eating” or move out and be free to do whatever.
There is only a small window left for him to come back to these kids, S22 is having a baby, S24 is training as an officer, and S26 is moving to AZ in less than a yr, D19 is in L and planning to go away to college.
Life is going on w/o him and he will not fit in “some time down the line” some things you just can’t get back.
He said he might be addicted to EA. I said, well go work that out for yourself. He asked me if I want our R back, I said…no.
I said will you keep EA, he said he has to, I said I want a D. Oh, he said I trapped him into that answer, he wants to be here w me. I said one day it won’t be at all about what he wants, I will get there and I will make my move.
I’m so done living like this, I’m done feeling paralyzed by being M but not a W, not free in my mind to move forward to L, and holding on to my family that is growing up and leaving me alone.
I’m depressed because I’m stuck. He won’t let me go but pushes me away. Holds on to EA, but their R only works as long as he’s M, otherwise he knows it will change the dynamics.
Going dark only gives him the space he craves, and NC helps him need EA more. What is does for me is gives me a break from his sh!t but I’m only human and can only go so far.
He gave me a meaningful hug yesterday while whispering it’s not about you, I can’t explain it. Later that day he rubbed my leg on the couch and had a male reaction, so that allure is in tact, but then again why wouldn’t he be fine, he’s not hurting himself.
I would love a vacation…need a friend. Thanks Nero for the hugs and the great advise. Good to hear from you, it's been a yr w my Nero, I can't go soo long w/o you. I hope you good Linda, I will read up tomorrow.
Its brutal I know, wow, do I know, but you sound pretty good actually. You will know when your done, not him.
Throwing ya a big support hug your way.
Stay strong.
Dawn,
You've been having a difficult time of it and it's time to do a total 180. Now, some will say that Snodderly is off her rocker, but I firmly believe that the time has come to pack a bag for him and sit it at the door. If he asks what the bag is for, tell him that you've had enough and if he's not willing to get some help, then you are going to help him out the door. It's the only way that this boil will fester up and pop. You've tried everything else and nothing appears to be working very well.
Dawn, it's time to take care of you. It's not been a healthy living situation for some time and if you are starting to go down into the dark rabbit hole, then it's time to do something different.
Dawn, you've done everything right and yet he's still wallowing and being wishy washy about the EA. Yes, he's addicted to her and the feelings that he gets by being around her, talking to her, etc. and like most addicts, he won't give her up w/o a fight. In his mind, you'll continue to put up w/this behavior and he's needs to face the reality of his actions and now is the time to do so. You and your family can't continue to live this way for years and years. It's not healthy.
If you would like to communicate off line, please let me know. Your posting sounds like you need a friend to support you through this.
Oh Dawn I wish I could give you a big hug right now. What a difficult situation. Sometimes you just need to let it all out to a friend, cry and just be held for a bit. Do you have a friend you can confide in?
This broke my heart: "I’m so done living like this, I’m done feeling paralyzed by being M but not a W, not free in my mind to move forward to L, and holding on to my family that is growing up and leaving me alone.
I’m depressed because I’m stuck. He won’t let me go but pushes me away. Holds on to EA, but their R only works as long as he’s M, otherwise he knows it will change the dynamics."
Of course he wants to hold on to you and his family, AND have his OW at the same time. It's the MLC way of life. I think that all of our men are addicted to their OW. In fact, Ellie (KML) was just explaining to me yesterday that this is due to dopamine, a neurotransmitting chemical in the brain, that gives a feeling of euphoria. She said dopamine is released in infatuation, and also by cocaine and other addictive activities like gambling. So his relationship with her releases that chemical in his brain, so he feels euphoric when he's with her. This helped me to understand my H's relationship with the Tramp, but sure doesn't make it any easier to live through.
You sound so stuck, in such a bad place. You said you feel that "Going dark only gives him the space he craves, and NC helps him need EA more" and that you told him that it's time to move out, that you want a D. Will you stick to that? Can you?
While I am writing this, I see that Snodderly has advised that she thinks it's time for you to pack his bag for him. Maybe that would be the best thing Dawn, maybe living apart from you will force him to really make a decision about what is right and important in his life.
I'm holding you up in prayer this morning my friend. Hang in there, you are going thru such a hard patch right now. Things have to improve
(((((Dawn Marie))))))
dawnie girl- you worreid me.
i don't want you to be or feel depressed - you're better than that. we all are. it's there- i know, (our own human frailty) but we are not the types to let it suck us under. I am sincerely thinking and hoping too.
I'M GLAD to hear you sounding so powerful. you are undoubtedly right - what great stuff- saying it all rite out to him.
i believe you're rite - if you and he split it changes his dynamic with ow- i guess that's why every one is always urging it- and then - THE TIME IS RITE and ta da.
guess you are at your time for this brutal honesty to him.
me- floating only at moment. too much other crappola going on i think- (i'm opining here) with my mother sitch- it's sooo big and sooooo kind of soul-sucking to watch your mother who took care of us all(tho no one else much is around or gives a darn about her it seems ) (well- toooo easy to shove it onto me) - but anyway- losing her poor old mind and struggling daily with the changes allover her live constantly- fighting it- not remembering it, or understanding becasuse, hey, she just forgets it in ten minutes - etc. it's a mess . it's sad and depressing too- knowing it will NEVER BE BETTER than it is this minute - and sometimes it's a hostile mess...
no help to give her tho- nice to be away- but a constant worry still...
am i making excuses for my self- probably. this business of too many people being gone or heading out. maybe i'm clinging tom y " old life" too much - linda dead, alan dead, shore house on the market (huge) , h heading out -m om heading out- talk about never going to be better than today- i know, depressing outlook.
I am just not there but admiring you for you knowing where you ARE at this minute. me- i'm glad not to be in puddle of misery and bleeding- grateful for my bit of detachment. i'll take it today. i just don't seem to have anything much in there at the moment for the misery....
you're my good example today-
i hear h pulling up in car. back to hospital every few hours- his aunt i guess, sooner rather than later, is dying of congestive heart failure i believe. 89 -lucky i'd say to have made it that long after 70 or so years of smoking- really! make that 74. it's not a pretty way to go tho, sucking air - literally- looking for breath. pooro ld thing.
he does it- and it's hard - yet he thinks he doesn't care. says he won't feel bad when she's gone- is he kidding self or are there REALLY people out there that donot feel anything like the rest of us? attachment - love? (he slings word around to ow enough). he uses the notion for his own way-
does he feel it? who knows? probably a psychopath rite? someone without whatever it is he's lacking?
i do wonder- about him- oh well.
anyway- for the moment i'm standing here - not sure if it qualifies as "still standing" or not. i'm present but not accounted for.
you're sounding good - i know, i'm addicted to my buddy in here - you - too.
i know- linda';s thread - what a hotbed of activity. it is confusing and tiring sometimes. linda - you inspir4e alot of caring- I cannot imagine how your h can't be totally in love. maybe you're so nice - he can't "livd up to it? kind of thing? did that mean anhything at all??? anyway- thanks girls - dawn hang in there , you're sounding so in charge
i get your feeling- your life is changing around you and you're damn tired of fiddling around and not going forward and taking a big chunk - you go girl (is that dated or what? but wanted to say it anyway)
girl power!!!
xxoo have a good day- i'm serious you know about meeting just old anyone and making even a stupid casual dumping -ground buddy. find a stranger- dump like mad- it's theraputic-
isn't there a support group out there you can glom onto- grief? divorce, whatever??? i tried but it was a total bust -
so i know it's not easy- what about a supoort hotl ine and just on the phone??? there are some of those out there- when my sister was going down with alcohol i found a few - but couldn't actually get her to get help with them-
a thought. OH AL RIGHT- i'll say it again, i sure wish i was your neighbor- maybe when i get back to nj- if my mom's shore house isn't sold and is free - we can meet up and go get away. just a wacky thought- it's owned by her with two other cousins - so the time is alalotted this way and that- but you never know rite? just a thought.
it is a pretty beach- and it's usually not too cold in september still- i don't know whose month is what tho- will try to erwemember to find out.
we could have a giant giant girl's pity party- i know we'd all laugh likwe mad no kidding
\
xxoo
Dawn,
Sending you my support and good wishes!
From your posts, it sounds like you have had it up to there and then some. When you feel you are on the verge of depression, you must look after you.
I won't pretend to know how it feels for you to have to make the decision to move his rear along - mine made that decision for me - but it sounds like it is time, for your sake. Because the alternative is that things stay exactly the same.
If you were OK with that, then that is one thing but you so obviously are not. So, time to change the situation.
So hard to do!
Very best of luck and all wonderful things to you. We are here when you need us and you have nothing but our support.
Hi Dawn, you have so many people here who care about you.
You know when you are on an airplane and they explain to you about the oxygen mask? You are to put it on yourself first before you help anyone else.
You do not want to get to a point where you are so depressed you cant think straight. If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you risk getting sick, it is time to take care of you.
It is not quitting to tell your h he needs to go. It is self care.
I can see how strong you are, D. It took a lot of strength to say those things to your h. Do you think you can dig in for the next part? You need to follow up with what you said. Otherwise, nothing will change.
It is really important for you to understand that there is nothing further you can do at this point. He has to figure all this out. You need to let him.
But I dont care about him. I care about you. He can blow in the wind.
I know you can do this, D. I believe in you.
We are right here for you.
I think Snodderly may be right.
I too am thinking of you Dawn, and sending more strength your way.
What happened last night Dawn? Did he come to any conclusions? Did you? You have every right to be tired of his MLC after 5 years. It is an exhausting thing to have to live through. Have you thought any more about getting away for a couple of days? Maybe with D19? I think it would do you good.
HHHHEEEEEYYYYY DAWNNNN-
good morning and are you out there??? in mlc land? just thinking aobut you this morning.
hope all is well- hyou're being verypowerful lately and it's got to feel mighty good. i'm awaiting the "ruthless" period of this all myself-
today still feeling floatie and maybe just relieved not to be in nj by mom- feel sorry to say it out loud- it's shabby but she's got people stopping by and one sister going to visit her- so for this one moment in time- someone else is visiting. i'm soo tired.
it's hard - waiting for the other shoe to fall all the time. the memory thing is a raw deal. she called last nite to tell me that my sister had died. (mom, that was 2008). poor old thing- when she's left alone too much she just goes back in time i guess, can't stay in the present.
it's the only thing that makes me wonder if a group home would be better - someone keeping you present . it does make a difference- i think when i get back i'll get off my butt and find someone daily so she can have some routine to count on, etc.
yueah- me and my resolutions. anyway-
hope you're okay- thinking aboutyou allll the time. let me know you're hanging on and what's up and what your h is saying, doing, thinking in response to your latest feelings ...
hoping all is well and you're feeling okay with it all..
xxoo ((( ))) i'll check back later - h at hospital now
a group home would be much much better for your mom's safety and health Nero, and much less stressful for you. she would probably fight you tooth and nail against it though! how is your poor sick aunt?
Hi Dawn, I have been thinking about you and your sitch. I am concerned by some of the things you have said about how you are feeling.
Can you go see a doc about maybe getting something to take the edge off a bit?
I can see your h is co dependent on you. That is a heavy burden to carry.
Only you know when you have had enough. If you have, it is ok to say you are done with the sitch as it is now and you will move forward.
He has to know that you mean it or it will not work.
He also has to work this through on his own.
Please try to figure out some way to get some light in your life. It is so important and something you deserve.
Do just one small thing for you. Something fun or to relax you a bit.
You can do this, D.
like most addicts, he won't give her up w/o a fight. In his mind, you'll continue to put up w/this behavior and he's needs to face the reality of his actions and now is the time to do so. You and your family can't continue to live this way for years and years. It's not healthy.
I need him to be away from us so we can begin to build as a family through the changes, good and bad. I can't live w the black cloud of anger and rebellion over us, I can feel it!
If you would like to communicate off line, please let me know. Your posting sounds like you need a friend to support you through this.
Yes, I would like to talk, I really don't have anyone, after all this time most don't understand.
I have only told my BIL [bible counselor] and a long time friend of H's (life coach] the absolute truth. They have gone from the advise of MWD, to now saying it's time he must go.
I am absolutely afraid, once again, his work has given him a direction he is furious about and refusing to follow.
His anger is extreme, he is talking out scenarios [to his boss] angrily in a low voice to himself. His face is like a prune filled w angry lines. His hand punched out the lattice on my screen door, yes he was instantly remorseful, shocked, and admitted being awakened by the crash from an angry trance.
My fear is not him or his strength or destruction, it's the fact that he is still unable to handle adjustments in life. He said he will melt into my couch if he resigns and dig himself deep into the tunnel.
Regardless of the outcome at work, he has clearly shown where he is at mentally and it is unexceptable to me. I have told him he has thru fall to move out, before TGing, but I am not sure how to execute that.
He won't go unless I do it forcefully, he has said he's not going to volunteer to leave his family. He asked me to ignore him, he's not being a bad man, or sleeping around, he's trying to suppress his anger while home and be useful w chores at the same time.
He's right, he's not a bad man, he is just making it were this is our life now, no need to work on oneself, no need for a healthy mind, no R for me, and freedom for him.
I'm not at piece, that's all that counts now.
UR~ It is not quitting to tell your h he needs to go. It is self care. I fully understand this, and honestly I am not really opposed to quitting on him at least for a very long while.
I strongly believe as he himself said just 2 days ago, he needs to hit rock bottom very hard, or he will continue to seek rock bottom if it kills him, his words.
I don't want any part of that! I do need to self care!
Hi Dawn,
Hi uRworthy, thanks so much for stopping by!
Can you go see a doc about maybe getting something to take the edge off a bit?
I am going to make an appointment! I am going to start back on my workout, that always feels so good.
I can see your h is co dependent on you. That is a heavy burden to carry.
He is and he fights it knowing he is hopeless. My S22 is a huge advocate of "leave him to fail"! But, even something as simple as food in the fridge, H know's I'm not going to stop shopping to penalize him.
Only you know when you have had enough. If you have, it is ok to say you are done with the sitch as it is now and you will move forward.
I amaze myself at how done and ok I am at with the idea of H moving out and not contacting me for a very long time. He said he would still come by, do chores, I said no, I want NC indefinitely! He said no way, he said he then would probably begin to stalk me as he does EA. REALLY! His threats mean nothing to me!
He has to know that you mean it or it will not work.
That is my own frustration and stumbling block, the how!
Please try to figure out some way to get some light in your life. It is so important and something you deserve.
I do have great light, 4 kids, a g-son on the way, I no longer want to continue my focus on him. My aunt and God son never visit, my D19 would have friends over, we would have BBQ's w more often. It's me, I still sometimes sit in a fog.
Do just one small thing for you. Something fun or to relax you a bit.
You can do this, D.
Thanks for the confidence, I will ride on it until I can build my own!
Thanks to everyones support and advice. I am reading it over and over. It means the world to me right now! I cannot get thru this alone. Not at all!
prayer and peace, dm
Dawn, I feel so so badly for you. Your H sounds horribly depressed, and angry. The extreme anger and seeming to be in an angry trance sounds so scary. My H went thru two or three angry periods over the past 4 years, but for about 2 weeks in spring 2011, I was afraid of him too. He threw things around including at me, and seemed to be full of hate. It was scary. I wanted him gone, so when he told me he was leaving to go visit EA1 in Russia, I told him fine, but he could not return to our house, and started to make plans about how I would support the household without him. But he never left, within a few weeks the anger passed and he became very withdrawn. Within a few months he and EA1 broke up. So hopefully this extreme anger of your H will pass soon.
If you are afraid for your safety, please don't hesitate to call the police Dawn. Would your BIL or your H's friend who is a life coach be willing to sit down and talk to him, and maybe if needed, help you physically remove him from the house? My S27 keeps offering to kick his dad out for me. They get so protective of their mom.
Why is he so angry about his work? I remember you said a couple of his coworkers had complained about his performance. Do you think he might be losing his job? You said you always did his reports etc. for him right? Are you still doing that?
Dawn you do need someone to just vent to who understands what you are going thru. I would be very glad to talk to you. Do you have a DB alias on Facebook? If so I'll search and try to find you. I think Snodderly has some way to see your email address and says she'd talk to you too.
Dawn,
If you would like to chat w/me, I'll do the work to make it happen. But, you need to let me know. I don't want to go out there and overstep the boundaries that the forum has in place.
Hey Dawn. I have been thinking of you.
I know that it feels like you are done living like this. I dont blame you. It is a difficult way to live.
I, too, am concerned about his anger.
Here's the thing. When you are totally done, you will know it without a doubt and you will ask him to leave and mean it wholeheartedly.
He sense your slight hesitation. He sees your compassion and so, he uses that to his advantage.
So, take the time you need to really figure out what you want your life to look like right now.
Then when you know, we can help you find the words and actions you need.
Some of us on here have names on fb that are the names we use on here. Some have db as the last name. You can get a free email address on yahoo to use.
Please do not post an email address on here. It will be edited out and you will be placed on moderation.
We are here for you, sweetie. Keep posting.
Yes, I would like to chat. Thanks
Also, I am trying to make an alias FB.
Dawn,
I've sent the moderators an email requesting that they either send you my email address or send me yours. Hopefully, they will help bridge the gap for communication.
You're on my mind DAwn. Hope you're feeling steady this morning. Thanks for checking on me in the middlle of all the turmoil in your life right now. It means so much to me. Prayers going out to you right now - can you feel the strength?
Thanks so much! I'll await thier reply.
I mean it, all of me with no doubt.
Last night when we spoke I gave him a date, September 1st! He needs to be out by Sep. 1st. I was calm, matter of fact, polite, and strong.
He replied, Oh Boy, Oh Boy. We said goodby so he could return to work.
Now comes the hard part....
wow dawn-
behind you 100% - wish i knew my mind & had some conviction of cause - like you. it's a good thing i reckon- you're taking steps to save dawn & begin a new , well, beginning. it can't be bad to just DO it, try it, begin and see what happens. i'm sending positive vibes/prayers out your way becaseu i got nothin else- besides saying i'm with ya - and support your decisions.
it's hard and you're brave - you sound like you're mentally getting prepared for the grind of waiting - anticipating- maybe since you anticipate the worst - it will be less than that.
i do "get" the in your face bit- bieng with h i realize alot more - and more frequently - the non-connect and the little things about him that i don't like - that were never there before and quite frankly- like you, i don't want to just "accept" and think i'm going to live like this forever.
the sarcasm sometimes (he acts like it's neutral or good natured joking - it's not - it's mean-spirited some of the time) i'm not stupid, i kn ow what i'm hearing).
maybe it's who he always was, but now it's not working with me. idk -
it's very very small fry compared to your h and what you are forced to hear over and over. i can only imagine the magnitude - like be3ing bashed by waves in the ocean when you're just tryin to get in the water or have a nice peaceful dip. bam, tumble, wash you all around and over and then up on the edge - blub blub, laying in the sand saying wtf and what the H was that???????
i hope you're feeling alright inside - in your brain- thru this. i'm no expert =- just a fellow traveler- i'm here tho- i care & so, idk- i guess that's it.
good luck and hope today is okay. i see you're past talkin about it- i'm hoping you're doing okay. xxoo
Dawn, I want you to know something. You are going to be ok. I know it, without a doubt in my mind.
I have to be truthful, there is a very hard part coming. So, you need to get yourself good and strong however you need to.
Remember always that you gave it your all and then some. No one knows what the future holds. But for now, this is what is best for you.
And I am so very proud of you for doing something so difficult.
We are here for you every step of the way, sweetie.
Dawn,
I'm glad you told him a date. Stay firm, do not waffle. You need some quiet and peace in order to get healthy once again. I'm very proud of you.
We are all here for you any day, any time. Now, it's time to really start thinking about Dawn and what Dawn wants to accomplish the rest of the year. Take it one step at a time.
Oh Dawn. I just checked in to catch up. I am so sorry that things have come to this. You have been going through this a very long time just as I have. I have done the same thing, told h I am done.
Sometimes I think we make it too easy for them and they are not forced to move forward. You are going to be just fine. And H. Think about when your kids were young. Sometimes as much as we didn't want them to fail or make mistakes that was the only way they were going to learn. He needs to experience some pain.
My oldest d was like that. I was the parent that tried to make sure they made the decision "I" thought was right. When we let her make mistakes she thought things through more carefully.
Is your h seeing a counselor? That may help him through his issues. I don't remember reading if he had any help.
I am thinking of you Dawn, praying for you to have the strength to get you through this. You are stronger than you think.
heeeeyyyyyy dawn-
whattyaknow today? will it be a good one - or a stinker?
jury out here-
will check back later - hope your day is good.
xxoo
p.s. what's going on in your garden & yard. i miss mine in nj a bit- tho, mind you, it is now officially overrun with those damn morning glory & weeds. around this time i give up and being away just makes it worse- not fretting about it one bit.
between searching for teeth & 100 degree days- two weeks and ka bam- weed explosion out there.
oh well- will pick up where i lfet off when i go there. who knows whwen that is. "?
what's happenin around your house & yuard. i'm thinking about you painting a while back- i feel like it- changing things a bit or alot- mixing it around.
this hosue is same same same as it was forever too ddarn nlong.
tired of it- tho, mind you, it's bigger and spacous-er- so feels kind of restful for a change.
funny isn't it- the associations we get /have with places, etc.
okay- i'm outta here-
xxo hope it's a good day for you
I'm in some new territory here. Last night H called me w EA in the car. He said since I gave him a date he feels free to not hide, and he told he about the date to prepare for his visits.
He said he was going impose himself on her so he has housing and that may mean he has to make a commitment to her. But, he's still not letting me go. "I will not have really left nor will have really stayed"!
He said bottom line is she is only a friend, she would destroy me, but I wont let her go ever...I'll let her destroy me, I am willing to loose everything, and I won't let you go, ha ha, I want/need you both, the opposite polarities you offer is what's giving me my drive.
~ this is some sick stuff...he said he got a great work call last night because she was w him, no I set that up stupid! SHe got him high and drunk so a major movie production called him for work, yea that's what I've been doing wrong!
ok, so he seems excited, challenged and even daring about the whole date thing. Funny he's discussing it w her before him and I have had a chance to work it thru.
I want him out still but I see that I am throwing him into her arms, it will escalate the EA to PA, he said he would have to ease her. But, I am the one after all asking him to leave, he doesn't want to, so he will do what gives him a roof and a shower.
So this seems to be something I have to come to terms w, my M will be at that point over! SO I say, Dawn you don't want to live your life w him anymore, he doesn't offer you the L and life your looking for, I know this. But, it's gonna be bitter sweet.
My path is scaring me, there is this small dawn in me who is saying, just leave him alone and let him stay while having his EA fun, it's less harmful and permanent.
Big girl Dawn says, no, it's time to pull the trigger and move ahead with yourself, find a new path in life filled w the kids, friends and one day you will have a person.
Even if he stayed he's not my person. I dont want that...I have that now and it's miserable, I would rather be alone than feel like this anymore. Am I opening a new sitch...am I ready!
Dawn, you need to take care of you. H is not treating you right and he needs to see what it is like without you. He is really nuts right now and you don't need to be around it.
I am at that point too and you are stronger than you think. I have come to grips with the fact that I deserve better. Funny thing is now he is wondering if that is what he really wants now.
You have been going through this a long time too. You need a break from his craziness.
Dawn,
I think your h is trying to see just how far you'll go in your boundaries. I say let him go for a while and allow him to see what the other side of the fence looks like.
You've done all you can to help this man and now you need to turn it over to God completely. It's time to take care of Dawn.
Dawn, I am sorry that it's come to this. I think that you're doing the right thing by telling him to leave and giving him a specific date. He needs to hit bottom before he will be able to move from the place that he is stuck. You will breathe easier and feel 100% better after he's gone. I struggled with the same behavior with my h (except no anger). Says he loves both of us and that he didn't want to make a decision....too hard to let go of me and the life that we've built but can't be without her. They most definitely get a high from a new relationship, that's why they can't let go of ow. In their mlc state they think that what they can handle the turmoil that they are causing themselves. As some of the other posters have suggested, we have to let them make choices so that they can learn a very hard lesson.
Imho, for the ones that zero in on a single op, it becomes or is an addiction. I realized that when I suggested that to my h. He didn't agree but didn't deny it either. A few days later in a convo with the ow he told her that he loved her but not because he was addicted to her. Addicts DENIAL! LOL They know what they're doing is wrong but can't/won't get the help that they need.
Dbing is all about us and taking care of ourselves while they are on their journey. We don't have to wait for them to "wake up" or complete their journey. It's a choice that most of us make, to wait or stand but in the process we are still making ourselves the number one priority. If that involves asking them to leave so that we can have peace or allows us to move forward then we must do it.
I wouldn't worry that you are pushing him into the arms of the ow. It may speed up your h journey just a bit. From the reaction that he had to your asking him to leave, I suspect that he is going to start spiraling downward toward the bottom and his behavior will be even less tolerable, if that's possible. Let her deal with it!!!! While I didn't ask my h to leave and even thought that it would be better if he stayed in the house, I found that I have so much less stress since he has been gone.
Go with "Big girl Dawn" and let him go for now. YOU will be surprised at how much less stress there will be in your life. I'm thinking about you and praying that God will take care of you and your family.
Dawn,
I just caught up on your sitch.
I think you are doing the right thing. Doesn't mean it is the easy thing
You must remind little-Dawn how hard it has been on you - how you couldn't possibly continue the way it has been. The way it was was killing big-Dawn... soon only little Dawn would have been left.
This change is scary, changes often are. But you are a smart capable woman and can handle yourself.
I'm betting your H will put on quite the show between now and 9/1. Do NOT let him blame you for his choices! He is simply having to face the consequences of his own decisions.
God bless, take care.
Dawn this is some scary stuff you're reporting. It is so hard to fathom that your H actually said all of the things you reported while EA was in the car with him listening to every word. She could hear him say he MIGHT have to make a committment to her!?!? If she's okay with that, she's as crazy as him!
Similat to your H and NLT's H, my H says alternately that he loves both me and RT, and that he doesn't love anyone including himself (that's probably the truth) and he asked me for more time to make a decision.
I'm occasionally feeling a bit wobbly in the standing department, and hope my sitch does not come down to kicking him out, but it's a real possibility.
I am proud of Big Dawn and her resolve to do the right thing for everyone involved. You gave H time to make other living arrangements which was very kind of you. I agree with NLT that this move will help him hit rock bottom.
Something has to shake up and wake up our MLCers. I'm hoping it will happen spontaneously for my H like it did for Wonka. But if not, I'll be asking you for help and guidance my friend. Stay as strong as you are right now.
Dawn, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to vocalize these boundaries to keep yourself sane. If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend the book, boundaries.
I agree with the others that your h will probably moan and complain and act out even more than usual over the next few weeks to see if you're really going to stick with your boundaries.
In fact, he'll probably blame all of his actions on you and say that he'd be better if only you didn't kick him out and just let him continue doing what he's doing. But stick with your decision and take care of yourself.
I really do believe that our spouses do have to hit rock bottom and really see what they are giving up and losing before they will ever have the capacity to decide if they want to change.
I think that's why they say that LBS usually have the last say. Because the MLCers never try to make it work until they understand that they've lost everything good in their lives and only have the users around them.
Dawn, I know it's tough, but you're a strong woman and you will make it through this and come out better for it. It's not what we wanted, but we will make the best of it.
HEYHI-
YOU SOUND GOOD man- i'm impressed:
My path is scaring me, there is this small dawn in me who is saying, just leave him alone and let him stay while having his EA fun, it's less harmful and permanent.
Big girl Dawn says, no, it's time to pull the trigger and move ahead with yourself, find a new path in life filled w the kids, friends and one day you will have a person.
if this is what your insides are tellin ya - i think you've made your decision here nd it's the rite one for you now. remember tho- anhything can change any time - september is still a long way off. so don't be too bummed or scared by 'FINALITY" - it may or may not be. i'm too hung up on the lable i put on things too...(alot of the time) i immobilize myself with it i'd say
your h - some of his conversations amaze me. maybe he is seeing how far he can push you- YOU ARE READY (more than ready i think - from "hearing your voice" in this forum - to take your chance and let the chips fall where they may.
brave little you- it is hard- it is scary- but i bet it's kind of exhilerating too- to feel that you are "on yoru way" after alllll this piddling around... (from the queen of piddling here)
i have to say about my neighbor up north again- her h and she separted - she moved to an apartment! and he kept seeing his icky - redneck - boozer - icky ow for three years!! three years - of separation-
finally at the end of that time she said she was done struggline with the apartment and he shuld go move out and she should resume living in house- he and his ow were fighting and drinking all in public at local pub- etc. a big mess- but bottom line is somehow - someway they patched it up and have been together and okay for a bunch of years now.
it's weird- it happens- i don't think any one of us knows the convolutions it'll go thru- what your h will end up doing (REALLY) OR YOU or her or anything.
you've made your decision and you sound pretty strong in it- so yay for you. now we'll all see how it ghoes and plays out-hyou too.
nothing is final but death my dear - i tell myself this- i'm big chicken- but can sense inside how good it must feel for you to be able to feel "done" and say it rite out loud to him.
we're all out here-i 'm with ya man-
hope your day is okay- i totally GET IT- THE WHOle being afraid of what is different and final- our m BEING OVER for real- etc. idk- you have said many many times this is not some way you can live forever- not with this man- not with this sitch- so today i'm sayin yay dawn. if you change your mind tomorrow- i'll say yay dawn & so be it. what the heck does it matter anyway out there to anyone in the universe but you!!!
you do exactly what you feel you should/must/want to- and if you want to change tomorrow - then do it- and if you don 't then don't. this is your game - you can run it. AND - then there is the added benefit that who knows, you may love it- the freedom from strife - it really may change something in him- it may not- BUT IT MAY- it's a crap shoot- i admire your willingness to take this new stand.
ta da- xxoo best of luck with this new episode- it will be okay- one way or the other way- it's forward isn't it?
i'll go out on a limb here - notknowing your h at all- and say i don't think it will end up as final as it seems to you now- unless YOU want it to be. imho
xxo
Hi Dawn. I think your h is losing it and I think it is best if you get out of the way. Scary stuff he is saying.
It is true, a lot can happen between now and Sept. And I so get what you are saying about the two Dawns.
I do not want you to feel you are pushing him into ea's arms. He is an adult and he is making a decision.
But they both have serious issues, Dawn. And it needs to play itself out.
I am so proud of you, Dawn, for taking the harder road because it is what is best for you.
You have a right to live a happy, less stressful life, sweetie.
I am so glad you are standing up for you.
~Complicated- he needs to see what it is like without you. He is really nuts right now and you don't need to be around it.
Funny thing is now he is wondering if that is what he really wants now.
Your right, the reality is I don’t want to be with him, I want him to feel what it is like without me “the good wife”, but I also want to see if one day he would ever be the man he was or better because of his loss.
If they don’t come back better are they forever broken? Or, is the loss truly what they don’t want in life anymore.
~Snodderly- I think your h is trying to see just how far you'll go in your boundaries. I say let him go for a while and allow him to see what the other side of the fence looks like.
I don’t think he believes I will go thru with it. He will push this away and one day soon say, oh I forget about that.
Thanks for the support, I would not be able to handle any of this without it!
~Notlikingthis – I’m not liking this either ☺! He needs to hit bottom before he will be able to move from the place that he is stuck.
Yes, how can he hit bottom if I am still behind him to avoid the pieces from falling in the first place. I am his shield! The dynamics of his R with EA will change, as well as many other aspects of his life that I now keep in control.
You will breathe easier and feel 100% better after he's gone. Funny, I was ecstatic the moment I hung up the phone, it felt like a weight gone.
In their mlc state they think that what they can handle the turmoil that they are causing themselves.
Exactly, that’s why he says he will give up everything and that’s ok! He truly believes he will prevail. He also says that’s why it’s not a PA, that’s not what he’s after, it her chaos. it becomes or is an addiction
I suspect that he is going to start spiraling downward toward the bottom and his behavior will be even less tolerable
I agree, and I am not going to let him play me. This morning he kissed me good-by, sorry I’m not impressed. At this point the only recourse he has is to stand his ground, (let’s face it I can’t really thro him out), or threaten my $$$.
I’m interested in seeing how ugly he will get. My S22 is waiting for my signal to take him down, I would never do that, but H knows he’s on borrowed time. I have to be careful tho that I do blurr the lines between being strong and acting out of raw emotions, he can smell emotion and use it against me.
Thanks so much for stopping by and your support!
~Mizjjd- I'm betting your H will put on quite the show between now and 9/1. Do NOT let him blame you for his choices! He is simply having to face the consequences of his own decisions.
Wow, I would be scared at this point hearing this as the popular consensus if I didn’t have you guys to help me thru. Some of you have done this step already. Don’t they hate facing their own consequences, that’s what I think he will bring out the blame?
Nice to hear from you, I hope your doing well!
~Hi Linda,
No, he wasn’t saying that in the car, he had already returned to work. It’s empty threats, he knows that step would be enough to make me say forget moving out, they are not PA and if he takes it that far to be moved out it only tells me how much he continues to need a mommy to take care of him.
she's as crazy as him! Yes, and why should I be privy to any more of his craziness, go do that w her, I don’t want to know about it! Drive her crazy 24/7 and she how much of a R you really have, open your eyes, and then look south to what you left behind!
I hope your H gets driven crazy by RT just enough to make it home and land on your front porch exhausted and reaching for you!
Your so sweet Linda, I am glad we made a connection.
~Sweetbabyred
Hi, thanks for the book suggestion, I will look into it.
say that he'd be better if only you didn't kick him out and just let him continue doing what he's doing. Funny, is this a script, he already said that and topped it off with a pile of $$$ and told me to go have fun.
Rock bottom is what everyone agrees with but I wonder is kicking him out forcing rock bottom or at the point for my own good, does it no longer matter? He can’t hit rock bottom here, I won’t let him, not on purpose but I am not going to let anything touch my family.
~uRworthy -
It is true, a lot can happen between now and Sept. And I so get what you are saying about the two Dawns. I do not want you to feel you are pushing him into ea's arms. He is an adult and he is making a decision.
I am fully prepared to loose him all together, it will hurt the most that he chose a POS over us only because I will never understand the allure to become a looser. But, I won’t take it personally, I know it’s not about me.
The easiest part about this, that makes me a little different from others here, is that I am not in love w him anymore. I can be hurt by him, but that hurt comes from my brain that says why don’t you put all this effort into fixing our life and getting me back to a place of loving and wanting you.
But they both have serious issues, Dawn. And it needs to play itself out. If I don’t get away from the knowledge of their EA I will not be able to move forward. Just logging onto my back account gives me anxiety seeing where he bought gas. I don’t want to know or care.
Thanks for the kind words, every post is so helpful and in every post there is at least one line that I walk away with thinking about and learning from. He is on a very busy schedule for the next 8 days so his reality will kick in after that and he will act out!
I’ll take this week while he’s working and avoiding reality to prepare myself and get the house in order. I am staying away from him and doing my own things. There is another BD on it's way!
I can no longer say I don’t have friends
Thanks again, Nero for being you! I will go to your thread!
i just had a thought dawn-
i've probably said it before- but if i didn't. if your h is handing you any money at all- squirrel it away in yourown accounts- that he knows nothing at all about.
anything you can- do that with it. no matter what happens- it all may require money.
if he gets ratty - or even goes under all the way-
when i left my first h - i was mighty glad to have my paltry little savings acccount. first, last, security.
it seemed like soooo much money to just get OUT> I DIDN'T EVEN have a couch - left it becasue i felt sorry for him.
being left behind- even tho it was his own drinking & violence & jealousy.
sappy me huh? anyway- i'd always saved, even $5 a week back then. man was i poor- but you know what? it didn't make me miserable or disable me-
i remember how icky it was- no lie. BUT it doesn't kill ya.
SOOOO- IN CONCLUSION- get your own accounts going along with your own life - gal & gta (get those accounts)
love ya man
Thanks for checking in on me Dawn Marie. You've been sounding pretty strong and happy! It is so so nice to hear you happy! I love what you wrote "Lets all together read, post, cry, laugh and learn how to not take it personal, and for now not give a hoot, while learning to pave our own path."
Not taking it personally is my biggest hangup in this detaching exercise. My H just came and told me that something was loose on my car's muffler, and he had fixed it. I said thank you. He said that he did not do it for me. I said thank you anyway. I used to not take stuff like that personally, it used to make me laugh.
I think that knowing he will be leaving me in a month has been preying on my mind. I know there's nothing I can do about it, and plan to be strong and enjoy my time alone. Your H will be moving out a day or two before mine leaves. I think we can depend on each other and all of the others for support, that will be a hard time for both of us Dawn
"
I am fully prepared to loose him all together, it will hurt the most that he chose a POS over us only because I will never understand the allure to become a looser. But, I won’t take it personally, I know it’s not about me.
The easiest part about this, that makes me a little different from others here, is that I am not in love w him anymore. I can be hurt by him, but that hurt comes from my brain that says why don’t you put all this effort into fixing our life and getting me back to a place of loving and wanting you."
Hmmm, so you love him but are not in love with him anymore
Sorry I could not resist that! I guess not loving him so desperately anymore does help to detach. It would hurt horribly to have him pick that loser over you. But you know if he does, it will just be temporary. If my H chooses the Tramp over me, it will not be temporary because I will be done at that point. Is that how you feel?
I just realized I"m not as afraid of him going away as I am of how he will be acting when he returns. When he returned from the Tramp's 2 week visit in March, he swooped me up in his arms and kissed me and we ML. He seemed so happy to see me. So I believed all of his lies about them just being friends and that they had not had sex, just kissed. But she got crazier and crazier and started really pushing him to divorce me and marry her, and on April 12th he delivered BD#2. I was totally heart broken. Oh Dawn, why do you say you are expecting another BD?
I searched for you on FaceBook, I searched DB and Dawn and DMarie and I.am.DMarie. Can you give me a clue without giving yourself away? I will send you a friend request, and will suggest some friends for you too. Then we can send each other FB messages and exchange other information more safely if you want that.
On second thought don't give me a clue as to your FB identity Dawn, I'll keep searching for you. Safety first, these threads are easily searchable on google etc. i'll keep racking my brain. I'll get it eventually
Sending you bug hugs Linda
I think I'm in the same boat with not taking things personally. They say these things to hurt and try as I might they hit home.
Of course him leaving in a month is preying in your mind, I think it would to anyone, be gentle with yourself
Linda,
I shortened my attitude down to IamDm. The reason I had that attitude was because H still calls me mama and I resent it!
But you know if he does, it will just be temporary. If my H chooses the Tramp over me, it will not be temporary because I will be done at that point. Is that how you feel?
Oh, heck yea, I would be done! YEs, I can say there is a small spot of L for him that he earned after all these yrs together and as the F of my kids, but believe me it is tucked away, and protected.
Not taking it personal is my biggest hurdle as well. I was so willing to take the blame and be the victim. He never gave it to me tho, he thought I was crazy asking what's did I do wrong.
Good to hear from you, I will look for your request.
Oh Linda, about the BD second coming!
I am thinking that H moves out and then he hooks up w EA and now that becomes a BD. One we don't come back from!
I have no need to be that incognito. Plus, H can never touch my computer, it's a Mac and he's already Windows challenged, plus he knows I would know...my car, my computer, my ipad, my phone, soon my bed, are all off limits to him.
I really have detached quite a bit, we only have the business left and his meager attempts to make conversation over his schedule. Oh, and his still insistence on holding me at night, what is that? It's like in the dark, behind close doors, where even he doesn't have to admit it, he likes me.
hey guys -
boy - do i get the "leaving" bit. my h "leaves" alot - like on and off every several weeks for past two years (well - that's how long i've known for sure he's got ow)
i used to notlike it much - but believed him and in him before that. it's ebeen a bazillion years now-
i hate it every time- i wonder when the heck he'll just PICK HER and leave me for dead here - BUT AT LEAST IT WILL BE OVER.
I DECIDED NOT TO MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM- IDK WHY- he's a rat and if he's choosing to do THIS to me- i'm choosing to do THAT to him. if it's torture- well, man up and stop it one way or the other guy.
idk- linda - my h used to make wiseguy comments i never took personally too- now all of a sudden - it 's all true, isn't it? it's not joking any more.
i don't know if he gets that or not. i don't think my h has much or any self- awareness -
gotta go- car in drive i think hang on girls.
we all DREAD the leaving- of each sort. what a hell of a way to go thru life huh???? this dreading the other shoe droping ALLLLL THE TIME> WE WERE watching tv last nite a blurb sayign housewifes experience major stress-
he asked me if i'm stressed - i was sooo surprised i couldn't even answer. said something dumb like i don't work fulltime-
i'm sooooo STRESSED on a daily basis i'm lucky to still have hair i think- betwen him and my mother my stress levels are probably thru the roof - yet he asks like regular old conversation?????
since i know he is not interested in what i think or feel- i was happy i didn't even bother saying it.
i'm assuming all the old rules db apply- he's not interested- so don't tell him.
i'm outta here for moment. IT SURE IS ALL ABOUT THEM- WE DON'T EXIST AND IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH US OTHER THAN OTHER GUY THERE AND HANDY TO BLAM BLAME BLAME
AS I SEE IT- mwd sure is rite about alot of stuff. NOW- WILL SHE BE RIGHT IN ANY OF OUR CASES that given enough time and space they will reemerge - AS THE GIANT BEAUTIFUL LOVING BUTTERFLIES THEY ONCE WERE.
GAG gag ick ick ick- just me being ratty. ya have to wonder - donja?
linda - glad your heart is hardening up one tiny bit- it's hard not "feeling" it all. dawn- glad to hear your voice today too.
xxo
dawn-
forgot i wanted to say- we're here with ya . you're taking a big step there- you've ben thinking it over a long time- you're doin great i think - so eeven tho , probably lots of flack and wierdness to come- you sound good , and i'm happy to hear it.
the dreading sept. - it's hard - it's hard to watch them go - it's hard to dread them coming back- it's alllll hard. we're gonna be such muscle women at the end of this all-
it'll be okay one way or the other- at least you've moved off the spot- (wehere we all begin- now, how to get off it???) (i'll get there in the end - i guess we all do ultimately)
so- hope your day is good and hang on and what's up with your "gang" =- etting excited about the baby?
xxoo
I'm giving the ole think positive GAL who cares attitude but as I sit here at Honda by myself I can't shake the knowledge that H went straight from work and hung out w EA.
This is the stuff I don't want to know anymore, I told him the only way to get out of knowing and get away from her calls is to get rid of him, he was fine w that. He said he wants to open his own account w a debit card and put side work in there so as to not touch my home account so he can spend it how he wants.
It's a lot of effort just to be w her in peace and no effort to come home! He has to leave my home and really be in the thick of her life with no recourse before he will see. But, it will be too late!
He tells her all our business, he told her his checks are direct deposits and she's trying to talk him into freezing our assets. Shes only about the money for alcohol and drugs.
I'm sad that we are parting, if even not literally, and she's injecting herself between us. He not giving in to her but that constant chirping in his ear has to have some influence.
We're not going to have anything , 24 yrs gone because of a POS, God is working slowly and not showing me the answers. I find myself praying to just end this, end him, he says it, death is quick and over! Leave me one ounce of the man I know to cry over before he swallowed whole.
I'm GAL but this is following me.
they want me to trade in my '11 Accord LX for a new CRV not LX..help these men can smell my loneliness and are trying to fill it w an SUV.
Wow! "
H can never touch my computer, it's a Mac and he's already Windows challenged, plus he knows I would know...my car, my computer, my ipad, my phone, soon my bed, are all off limits to him.
I really have detached quite a bit, we only have the business left and his meager attempts to make conversation over his schedule. Oh, and his still insistence on holding me at night, what is that? It's like in the dark, behind close doors, where even he doesn't have to admit it, he likes me."
You ARE amazingly detached Dawn. Wow! But yes, of course your H still likes you, behind closed OR open doors. He loves you. He just is going thru something right now, he does not know how to show it, his mind is messed up. Do you think he is planning to move in with EA when he leaves in Sept even though he said he might have to "make a commitment" to her? Is there anything he could say or do that will make you change your mind, such as if he gives up EA for good during August? Inquiring minds want to know
Nero, it is so hard to get our good humor and positive outlook on life back after being kicked in the teeth 23 or 24 times, isn't it? "
idk- linda - my h used to make wiseguy comments i never took personally too- now all of a sudden - it 's all true, isn't it? it's not joking any more.
i don't know if he gets that or not. i don't think my h has much or any self- awareness"
No I'm sure your H does not realize how his "jokes" hurt you now. MLC seems to cause them to lose some of their "humanity." I don't know if that is the right word, but some ability to connect with other people. My H has dropped all of his friends except for RT, he doesn't even talk to his mother on the phone every week any more. When he makes a nasty remark he seems oblivious as to how it makes me feel. Or maybe he does it on purpose, I don't know. It's like he feels this is HIS time to do what he wants and say what he wants and every one else can just go scratch!
PS Dawn my H calls me stupid things too, that annoy the heck out of me. Like Sis. Pal. Buddy. Grrrrr they make me so mad. I used to say I am NOT your sister H. But I do not let him know anymore. Being called "Mama" would really tick me off
oh gee Dawn I did not see your latest post before I sent mine. That is crazy that EA wants your H to freeze your assets and trade in your car so she can buy alcohol and drugs. Holy crap. Have you talked to a lawyer? I think it is time.
I'm just curious, because this is where I am at right now. My H has stopped relying on home for his meals, and has started doing his own laundry saying it's because I already do too much, and he is talking about opening his own bank account.
I too take that as really distancing himself to me and our home, and at the same time he talks to EA every single day, buys her dinner and takes her on drives. So I gave him a date of 9/1 to move out.
Your story is on it's way upward, did you have any idea you would be were your at now?
Hi Dawn!
I apologize that it has been a very long time since I looked at your thread. As my sitch started getting better and H spending more time with me, I had to cut down on how much time I spend here. But that's good, right?
I'll just answer what I know...not things I don't know...such as what you should do
Initially at your question my first thought was...I never guessed I would be here, but that isn't really accurate.
Let me make an analogy.
About 17 years ago I had a very big major surgery that lasted five hours and had like 250 sitches. (Hidden under clothes) H & I (just dating at the time) were worried about scars. How would my body scar and look years later?
The doc said to look at how my body had handled scars in the past and expect that same result. And he was right.
So.....in my sitch (with some help of my friends here) I looked at how my H had handled major decisions in the past. If it was a decision that he was pressuring me into...he had repeated behavior of pushing me into agreement and then at the eleventh hour...backing out.
So there was this suspicion (T^2 helped with this...from a guy's perspective) that I should go along with H (also DB coach said the same) and know he might not go through with it. That is exactly what happened and H has the satisfaction of knowing I was willing to go the distance. I think it has helped on a rapid recovery as "control" was a big issue with him and me -- stemming from problems with his mom.
My H had no known PA but did have a mild EA, of his own admission. But he was addicted to alcohol and partying and the idea of being "available" to any woman. It was a dream he had to give up for himself in order to come back with me.
Also, for me, while he was out, I concentrated a lot on physical appearances. He was out of the house in March of 2012 and I could always look my best when I saw him. And I did. And he liked it. And he missed it.
So back to your sitch. I'm no fortune teller but I can say that you could look at your H's past history in decision making. Any comparisons to this sitch you are in? (I used monetary purchases for my comparisons).
Also, before he moved out, I lived with my H as a live-in MLCer for six months although I didn't know the term at the time. He went out three nights a week. I didn't know with who or where. He typically came home between 11:30 pm and 1 am and immediately showered. Did the phone-hiding thing, separated our accounts, etc.
You know we got within a week of D in December 2012. So we were basically totally separated. I got his stuff out of the house and gave it to him and I filed in November of 2012. But only b/c he pressured me to D. So basically he never signed the papers and they are still waiting to be signed at the L's office.
I wish I could help. I am willing to share my story but I know all MLCers share some things but are also have differences.
I'll be happy to answer anything else or explain things that aren't clear. I wish you the very, very best
rH
P.S. I always tried to "follow his lead" and that's how I got here. It svcks, I know, but now he has been treating me like a queen. Heck, I deserve it, right? Lol!!!
Thank you for this explanation rH. I've been musing about it on my thread. It's difficult to see clearly.....
Dawn, if he is only doing his own laundry and making his own meals, I'd say that IS distancing. My H declared his "independence" in Nov 2010, right in the thick of EA1, and started doing exactly the same things. But now he does all the laundry and cooks all the meals for both of us. So it may not last.
Funny, all this talk about laundry. H didn't go to work last night and spent the night doing the laundry, and cleaning up. Tho he's trying to declare some independence he never does anything just for himself, he always included everything I may need as well.
I woke up as he was putting towels in the closet and I said hi, he may have groaned but I know for sure he wasn't pleasant nor did he even look at me. Ok, don't take it personal Dawn.
I am mulling over his actions and not the ''reaction'' I would have liked. Is it smart to see he was in a funk and yet he wasn't selfish or verbally trying to take it out on me as he quietly cleaned house and closed the door as he left for work?
Or, am I making excuses? There was a poster who once said I make excuses for him, I don't see it, but I also would hate to think I do.
It does bother me that he ''turns it on'' at work. A pic of him was sent out showing him at work smiling ear to ear, and my S22 who works with him says H is quite the talker, and also says he doesn't even think H knows he has a switch.
I guess when he comes home there is no need to switch on, or pretend, so I get the guy who nobody else would recognize. I don't react also because I guess I'm not trying to take the "home'' out of coming home. Smart? Door mate? Weak?
~Rh, thanks so much for sharing your story! I am going to go back to some of your other threads, you are an inspiration.
the best comparison I have to my H past history is he rarely does what he says, and he's bark is way worse than his bite. He has said since BD that he cannot be sweet or loving to anyone anymore, but if I need that I should pay close attention to his actions.
He put a monetary value on himself saying as long as he continues to kill himself working, that is his loyalty to this family, take that as the best way he can humanly love us.
~ Just a day ago he said I worry too much and to just let it play out. He is teetering between saying EA is forever and several times now saying he's hoping to be done w her.
I am keeping cool, I still keep my date in mind, and I have been focus on myself more. Talking to people more has been a very big help and I look forward to more changes coming my way.
"A wrong man can always find a friend"
Love this quote from my favorite show. It helps!
~ Just a day ago he said I worry too much and to just let it play out.
I get from H,
Why are you always rushing things? You just have to wait to see how it all works out!Really Dawn, what is WRONG with us! Not wanting to move at the speed of a glacier. Not being willing to spend our lives on someone else's timetable. We are just a couple of ninnies
Hey Dawn, you are doing wonderfully.
Your h is so confused. I do think actions speak louder than words. I also think it is good for you to have that date in your head because it allows you to be able to think, I just have to put up with this for another month.
On the other hand, you can still monitor behaviour, adjust your actions as needed and see what happens in that month.
So, sit back and watch. You'd be surprised at what you might learn.
Thanks UR, THis came with such perfect timing. I am trying to sit back quietly, but my finger is right on the trigger!
~~~~I am reeling at H's comment to "let the devil (EA) contact him. He wishes he could tell me what it means to him, tho he's not doing anything wrong.
It's all wrong, I hate hate hate how wrong it is. He said something about pushing him (I was tuning him out), and then he said all the hardship in his life is for us, the family, does that make sense and is it good enough for me.
He has no logic, only anger.
I just want to scream get out of my life then, I hate your face...the sound of your voice makes my ears bleed. There is nothing worth Standing for, I look forward to nothing about him.
He called me jealous, I'm sickened by his twisted efforts to believe his flip is what is now motivating him to work hard. There is nothing there, nobody is home, H has left the body, I'm jealous that I can't WAW.
I needed a laugh...thanks!
Oh Dawn, you sounded so frazzled right there, I really think it would help ypu to get away. Or your H - isn't he pretty busy with his work right now? Maybe he'll stay awy for a few days and you can have some peace.
Don't give up Dawn. Even if you stop standing for a while or forever, din't give up on life.
Well here I am 2.5hours later and h is back after having quite his night job.
I'm a little sick to my stomach and to confused to say anything.
He said, I'm home! I said but you haven't been home in a long time, he said I am home, I said no until I realized what he may be saying. He said I'm home, I'm leaving my job, my anger, EA, hopefully smoking, and coming home, it feels like a giant weight off, I may even be able to love you again!
We are losing our health, dentis, vision, and life insurance, as he leaves 2 yrs prior to retirement.
He said it will be ok, we will be provided a way. He does have a career having nothing to do w the night work that he can go full time in, night was our benifts job.
He disclosed that he was rerouting 2 checks to start his own bank account that he will no longer need and will return to the family account.
He quickly mentioned the last two yrs ( of he!!) as if its over, saying he gained nothing from it, God didn't come to him. I said well your parents/ brothers came and I, well I....I stopped right there, and just said His guidance comes...you just have to learn to recognize it.
So I'm taking my advise and trying to recognize what this may be meaning for us, but honestly I hold zero hope, or at least I have zero confidence. When in doubt say nothing. Put it in Gods hand, Snodderly, that's the only thing I have left, and how I react, I have that.
Wow Dawn.
What a turn of events.
(((Dawn)))
I think you are right for keeping to zero expectations.
But, it is a change. Definitely a change. Time will tell whether for better or worse.
Take care of yourself.
Dawn, sweetie, take a deep breath. Your h is spinning and it is going to get a bit hairy for a bit.
Now is the time for you to really dig in and let this play out a little.
He is feeling the possibility that you are really done and it has unnerved him.
You will need to figure out what it is you really and truly want.
So, step back a bit more and let him be.
You can do this, Dawn.
Hang in there.
Oh and Dawn, you should have zero expectations, but, never lose hope. There is always hope.
Dawn Marie, you are a wise woman to step back and let your H be, just see how this plays out.
It sounds like he may be begining to truly comprehend that all the things that he tried, the smoking, drinking, drugs, EA, all those fast friends, were not able to stop his pain. Maybe he has hit the bottom and can start to make the steep climb out of the tunnel.
But even though what he said was true, it may not "take" and remain iin his mind for any length of time. My H says a lot of things that make sense, sound ss if he is really thinking deeply, and make me believe he's coming around, then he's off onto some whacko tangent the next day. I hope and pray that your H will be able to do the right thing for you and your family.
But while he's spinning and trying to figure this out, please try to keep positive, hopeful, but detached. Good luck Dawn. Please keep us posted on how it's going today.
Hi DawnMarie.... WOW... just catching up. Sounds like overnight he flipped a switch. Has he said this before? I am confused by your 1 month comment... can I ask what that is about?
I would be reeling too, if I were you... Try to get out for a walk and clear your head.
My thoughts are "WITH" you... Take care of yourself. Zero Expectations!! Stay detached, its better for you!
Keep us posted..
Magic
hey dawn-
oh man- your life sure is taking it's twists & turns. congrats on keeping mum in face of giant insanity.
will be truly interesting to see wehre all the chips fall with this all-
i hope you're okay. i sure can share the misery of the UNCERTAINTY- I GUESS it's just what we're stuck with til the dust settles.
it's the worst part - isn't it? the not knowing and always fearing the worst - or something like that.
it makes me nuts- oh well tho, huh? better than being dead i guess.
hope you're holding up okay-
h just asked me when i thought i'd want to go back up north. honestly- at the moment while my sister is unemployed and visitng my mother daily- i could stay away as long as i can.
i guess i'll say another week or two- i used to stay a month- it's nice to get around to visitng ere and still SHOULD get a mamorg ram, etc. some junk I put off.
we'll see. i guess if i tell him that- he'll tell me he's GOT TO go visit ow - you know, get laid. i mean- really - how long could a guy go living with an unappealing lump (that would be me) while ole glamour dog-eye lard butt iw out there yearning & butrning for him. gimme what ya got big boy.
well, or gimme what ya got big girl!
iick ick ick
oh well- hoperfully i'll have your wisdom and control and say nothing. otherwise- ka bam- giant blow out. talk about stress huh?
how do we do it? why do we do it? idk
xxoo wish me luck
Makingmagic,
I asked him to move out 9/1, I am all confused about that now.
He never flipped a switch like this before, it probably is a lot of lip service anyways, it won't be good w/o the job tho, that was my security.
~~~~thanks everyone! uR, I plan on standing way back, I am also teaching him how he needs to treat me, no more demanding, he has no manners.
I don't know if this is a flip as much as it is a realization, like Linda said that nothing he does he working. This is a kinda bottoming out for him.
It does make it way to hard to keep my date without that steady income being direct deposited. I don't even know if he will make enough just for the house at this point.
This is where Nero's fear of poverty kicks in and my need for perfect bookkeeping shows me it's not good.
He has changed the game...did he beat me to it in fear? S22 said he see's H as a big ball of hurt and fear.
what about me?
Now Im confused... you want your M back... here it comes. Who cares about the job stuff (for now). Am I missing something?
I guess I just don't trust anything about this move, he is still addicted to EA why would he give that up, that's the party.
You may not have read that I have reached a point where I no longer know what I'm standing for, I have reached my limit of patients.
~~~The problem is he has lost too much humanity w us, closeness and trust, I don't know if he can make the right, he's not the type to apologize or grovel. I have to stay strong.
This move stinks for me. I have no guaranteed income or life insurance on him, or health. It ties me to him more. It was fine for me to push him to move while he had the night job. The job grounded him there, now what...he's gonna sneak to the far north side to see EA and tell me some stupid story.
I am not going to go another round, same sh!t different day with him.
Did he make a move keeping in mind that I did put a date on him? I don't thinks so...I don't think he would leave his job of 20yrs because I told him to get ready to move out.
I asked him to leave the job 8yrs ago, expressing my need for him to be home at night, and to expand on his freelance business. I also saw it was too much.
No, he gave it up because they came down on him, it wasn't to protect his M.
Even tho he said he left all that back at the job, and is coming "home" to even L me again, I don't believe it one bit. I guess if he proves me wrong, I don't wanna be right.
WOW... U must be reeling... not knowing which way is up or down.
BREATHE!!
At what point were you unsure of your standing? Was it BEFORE or after you put a date on him? What made you reach your limit?
I'd be more confused than ever, if in your shoes.
I guess time will tell.... is he living wtih you and kids?
Hey - he's been working towards this for a bit, and he just finally woke up. It CAN happen that way, and I think it's a good thing.
It's too bad about the benefits, but do remember - you can Cobra your insurance for 18 mos, and one of the good things about Obamacare is that starting next year you can't be excluded for pre-existing conditions, so it will be feasible to buy your own insurance in 2014.
MMagic-
Yes, he has always lived w us. He doesn't want to move out. I was done because I no longer want to watch him live his life w/o me, and party w EA. He can go do that somewhere else. I just reached my limit of him being so comfortable with life as it is.
That's why he has to go. I have been unsure of my Standing for a few months now. My H suffers from extreme anger and depression.
Hey - he's been working towards this for a bit, and he just finally woke up. It CAN happen that way, and I think it's a good thing.
will be feasible to buy your own insurance in 2014.
Thank you soo much KML for your uplifting look on this, I am not able to do that for myself, not on ounce of my being is able to be positive so I appreciate any positive thinking.
I will let it carry me for now while I am not able to walk that road myself.
Honestly, the insurance issue would be nothing, no problem, if there was something positive out of this, if he was true, if there was/is a M to work on.
I would have lived in a tent to have him quit and never had gone thru this.
I am not sure how to be, I am not doing anything different, I am still detached around him. Good thing he's freelancing all weekend, I need this time.
I get about the fear of your financial life. Mine is in ruins.
Aside from that, D, just take your time here and sit with it a bit.
Time will tell exactly what is going on. In the meantime, you keep growing, stay detached, GAL, and all.
Leave him to this. He needs to figure himself out. You need to let him.
Try not to stress too much.
This could be a step in the right direction.
He could have realized what he would lose.
Either way, you take care of you.
hey dawn-
asusual - yikes... you are rite to just step back and wait and see (i think) it's all that we can do - REALLY.
I HATE IT alot soemtimes, well, all the time. i'd love to jump in with a big old flashy move- BUT THEN THE $$ is a huge consideration if we're going to be adults about this -
taking care of self- may just also mean seeing to that also. i know i'm a fearful person about it- i know i can go survive SOMEHOW - BUT I'm not thinking it will be pretty. ih ate the thought of suffering and worrying like mad paycheck to paycheck like anyone else. i know i laugh about it or joke- but it's not all that funny - the bottom line.
if you're the excellent bookkeeper- me too, about finding every single penny when i balance the checkbook -
i like KNOWING . i haven't KNOWN one daRN THING i can hang my hat on since i found out about ow and we had the first big blast.
i know as much NOTHIN now as i did then. i'm one bit more chilled out about it- look at me- i whine like mad and then continue to have this life- accept the support - wonder when he'll pull that rug out- SINCE HE'S SOOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH HER- BLAH BLAH BLAH.
i'm guessing this is a very rough part - geeez - not fair- we conquer the mangled heart in there- manage not to be bleeding and in a fog every day-
and NOW THIS- HAVING to go around actually wondering and worrying about our very survival.
by that i mean- we'll survive - but will i be living under a stinking bush in ft.lauderdale behind dunkin doughnuts? or will i have a roof over my head? one wonders sometimes.
oh well rite??? it's mighty nice not to be $hit poor. i can't escape it- . THEN it makes me grateful that he is paying for stuff and enabling me to help my stinkin mother that i gripe all the time about- if he weren't paying bills it would be SOOOO MUCH WORSE in life.
i wish like mad he'd come to place where he just had generosity of spirit toward me and would give me the stinkin half of the house TO GET RID OF ME - RATHER than the ot her way around (what it seems like to me) a way to keep me tied in here somehow.
we had a small discussion about "apologies" other day. me, i think they mean something, someone actually verbalizing their sorrow at causing pain or trouble or hurt feelings. he thinks it's all nothin. he says an apoligy doesn't mean one darn thing to him-
can ya even reason with someone who says stuff like that? why wouldn't it mean something to know a person felt contrition for hurting you- or causing you pain?
he is soooo deluded. in the same breath he's mad at his aunt for crapping on his head while he's trying to help her - what DOES he think that feeling is??? he's hurt by her carelessness of his feelings.
OH MAN- HELLOOOOO - WHO IS IN THERE - ANYONE??? can his brain be that "stopped"? aparently.
i still don't know about facebook. a neice had a lovely boyfriend who worked for microsoft - and he said no doubt about it- every single thing you put on line- is somewhere accessible to someone looking.
THAT BEING SAID - TA DA - here i am spilling my stupid guts allover the road on this forum. if it were not a matter of survival and sanity- i'd have not gone here either.
oh well huh- i guess at some point all the fear gets tossed out the window to save oneself.
like me gnawing my leg off to get out of the trap? wonder if i will???
oh well- from the land of the half-dead here- picture me zombie like walking around not talking & not enthusiing and not laughing and participating -
icky woman- who would EVEN WANT A ZOMBIE ANYWAY??? this not being charming old self and being detached is a really wierd one.
good luck to you my dear- it'll be okay IN the end. just don't know what that will be. be your old controlled self and keep watchign and trying to be still- the financial bit is a bad one and a bigh one. i'm sooo sorry he quit that job.
i get your anger & pain- this stupid h of mine- when he pulled out the old "we have to talk" - so mething he NEVER SAID IN 38 YEARS - NO KIDDING - NOT EVEN ONCE (nothering ever that important) yet that other trip he said it- because he needed to tell me he had to go visit ow and i could stay in fl or go to nj-
can you die. ??? well, let me change that - can you klll??? i probably could have.
oh well- we are to ac=ssume this will allll make us stronger (probably more obnoxious & bitter as well) women.
onward and upward. see how it all plays out i guess- like we have alot of choices rite???
love ya man
xxo
ya know-
sooooo- just when you think you've gotten up to some darn mountain top here- then you look and see a whole field of them -yet to be climbed.
you can do it- you've come sooo far- we all have-
so what's another stinkin mountaitn? i'm askin ya. adjust those goggles - pitch your little tent and have a good nite sleep- and just wake up and get walkin again -
one of these years we'll alllll be on the other side-
THIS IS what i'm tellin me today too- we can do it...
it aint over til it's over
xxooo (((( )))) hang on
I like what nero just said "it aint over til its over".....Keep on, keeping on.
I guess I would be very skeptical about the OW... how transparent is he willing to be?
I hope he is realizing what he stands to lose.... I wish they ALL would realize!!! They ALL need new perscription glasses!! (clearer vision!)
I hope so too Dawn. I understand what you mean about having been willing to live in a tent with him. Finances, or the lack of, are a big part of MLC. There are so many threads where part of the MLCer's craziness is out of control spending, hiding secret credit cards and stuff like that. Someone, SA I think, said his wife bought $3,000 of clothes just on herself in May! That would put a dent in the household budget!
I really think your H's statements show that he is realizing that his running has not helped him. But it seems to be hard for them to give up their OW completely. Hopefully your H really means it that he has given her up. Trying to drop a MLC OP is probably like trying to quit smoking or drinking. They get lots of comfort from the smoking, drinking, boinking. Just drop OP cold turkey seems like the best way to me.
Enjoy your weekend while he's working. Do something nice for yourself Dawn. Ice cream always helps me!
ya know guys- i agree. i could have lived in a tent- i could have gotten a job and "saved" us - i could have done anything.
i proably still could/would- if i were SURE
if you're together -it makes it all okay and doable. this separate lives stuff is what will kill us all- (well -us here anyway)
you know- united you stand, divided we fall. heeelllllpppp- i'm faaaalllllllllling.....
ta da (who knows tho -maybe like any good old stupid movie you hit a stinkin ledge and don't crash to your death.
i need to watch my language- in teh car other day my litle neice - as i was yelling at some car in traffic who cut me off (and keeping it clean btw) - so she's was yelling from the back seat - "move your stinkin butt buddy" - or something similar...
oh man- did i she get that 'stinkin" from me??/ she says she knows it's "car language" and we don't use it anywehre else on earth- fingers crossed with that...
her self-righteous father lives for a reason to lecture her grandmotehr or i - oh man. everyone's lookin for their power aren't they???
just spreading joy whereever i go huh..
SOOOO DAWN-
HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOOD ONE- CANNOT WAIT FOR next exciting installment of - well, whatever - your "adventure" there.
good luck and hope it's good. seems to be on upswing- tho no expectations of course- little grain of hope tho- only in secret - hidden away- where no one can see it -
xxoo
What if what we are going thru is a test, this test is a mirror, a mirror that reflects who we are, how we react during our hardest times.
What if we were meant to go through this journey, would we be reflecting on who we are as a person if we weren't, or letting life's busy days consume us.
I can only speak for myself, I know I was all consumed with H, my kids, the house, money, a life I may not have really a been participant of, I let myself go.
Just hours before my H quit his job he told me he does everything for us good and bad, for our benefit he has gone crazy. Then he looked me in the eye and asked can that be enough for me to understand he's not trying to hurt me, or hate me, it's all he has left to give of himself.
If my M is over I am content in knowing it is because I say it's over. It's not what H wants, I believe when he says that, but I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and like who I see.
I was never one to believe that an A was the end of a M. I was so bold as to say I would not let another woman's (insert ugly word here) tear down my M.
Today I can still say it is not the A, is was brief and w someone really beneath me, tho it did violate something precious between us, it's not the emotional scare that won't heal.
I have replace my love language with angry words toward my H, but yet these words seem to have a great passion of their own.
I am ready to move on, away from him, but am I ready to let go? That seems to be the last step in truly knowing when your done.
I speak as if there is no hope...I'm protecting myself...I believe there is no hope. I don't feel M, I do feel cared for, protected, but not M to the L of my life, so no H it's not enough for me.
Dawn, I believe everything in life is a test of sorts. And so, we should always try to be our best self.
If my M is over I am content in knowing it is because I say it's over. It's not what H wants, I believe when he says that, but I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and like who I see.
Absolutely ^^^^, my friend.
The affair is not the emotional scar that won't heal.
I am so glad to hear you say that. It would be a terrible injustice for you to carry that around with you the rest of your days.
I am ready to move on, away from him, but am I ready to let go? That seems to be the last step in truly knowing when your done.
You will let go when you are ready. It is a process, Dawn. Not necessary to do it all at once. Nor should you let it drag out indefinitely.
I speak as if there is no hope...I'm protecting myself...I believe there is no hope. I don't feel M, I do feel cared for, protected, but not M to the L of my life, so no H it's not enough for me.
I have to say that I believe there is always hope in life. But if that feeling helps protect you from the hurt right now, then that is what you need to feel.
The thing is this. There is no right way to go about this. We are all so different, our spouses different, our sitches all uniquely ours. And so, we walk this journey in our own way.
I can feel your sadness, Dawn and I am so sorry. You will not always feel like this. I promise you that. And when you are ready, you will let him go. As you said, you will leave the door open a crack and see what happens in the future. For now, just feel what you feel, then let it go and continue on your journey.
Hi Dawn,
How are you today?
BTW, it's time to start a new thread. Any ideas for a title?