I wanted to tell a little of my story with hope that it might help someone. My BD was 5 and a half years ago.
Long story short. Married 25 years. xh had an affair with his exgf from 30 years ago. She had cheated on him with his best friend while living with him back then.
I heard all the same things most of us have.
He stayed in the home for about a year post bomb. In my bed for most of it. Our son was 16 years old at the time.
He was not a nasty MLCer verbally, but, he was a particularly crazy one. After a year, it was affecting me health wise and I insisted he leave. He moved 2 hours away.
Because of how he was spending money, I had to file about 2 years after bd. He had amassed an exorbitant amount of debt and had been taking a lot of money. I wound up owing half of a debt I did not know about. He ruined me financially probably for the rest of my life and did some terrible things during the divorce.
I promised myself three things at the beginning of it all: I would act with dignity, I would not ever say a bad word about him to our son or cause harm to whatever relationship they forged and that I would remain true to myself.
I kept my promises.
My son and I have degenerative neuromuscular disease and other health issues. I tried to keep my xh in the loop regarding our son’s health, until he turned 18. I told him then that if there was anything he wanted to know he could ask our son or he could reach out to me.
He and his father have slowly worked their way into a close relationship. Not where it was before, but, it works for them and I am so very thankful.
My son has scars from this, but, he has become a remarkable young man and I am so very proud of who he is.
The ow is long gone and as far as I know, my xh has not been with anyone else. He lives 5 hours away so who knows ?We have contact from time to time and when we do, sometimes still, the things that come out of his mouth give me pause.
I think he is slowly coming out of the tunnel. He doesn’t seem to realize how much time has passed. He seems regretful of some of the things he’s done. At this point, they are just words. He hasn’t shown any actions to support it. It is nice to hear on some level, though.
He has said some things that show that he clearly was/is in crisis. When we are together, it is so strange. He is someone I once knew. Familiar yet, not.
I forgave him a long time ago. He knows it and has said he doesn’t deserve it. No matter, it was for me.
Didn’t want to carry around that anger.
I have come a long way. My vet friends on here will remember I went kicking and screaming into db. I couldn’t get it for a long time. And then I did.
Once I detached and let him go, my life began again.
I am ok. I am becoming who I was meant to be. Always a work in progress, but , getting there everyday.
I am forever grateful to this site and my friends who got me through.
There really is life after a midlife crisis. And you will all get through it. Hopefully to reconcile, but definitely a stronger, smarter you.
I believe your posting will help others see that even if the marriage doesn't survive, they will.
You and your son have traveled a very rough and bumpy road, but both of you have grown stronger, wiser and more compassionate along the way.
You are a survivor and a success story. My hat's off to you, as well as your son.
Thank you urworty. Postings like this give others of us hope that there is a sunrise on a new beginning. I'm relatively a newby, only 3 years post bomb, trying to start my life over, and sometimes the mental side of it is overwhelming. You help me believe that even I will get it sooner or later.
Hey Snodderly, thank you. You were always one of my biggest cheerleaders and I will never forget it.
Punkin, I dont know if you realize who this is. Different name, LOL!
.
Sweetie, you have come such a long way. This is tough stuff. You know that, though. I know at my age, this was so not where I thought my life was going to be. Still a struggle financially and health wise.
But, I am as always, excited to see where life takes me.
You HAVE gotten it, and will continue to do so. We all travel this journey in our own time, in our own way.
And we should never stop believing in ourselves and that we are worthy.
I know it can be overwhelming. But I know, without a doubt, that you will be ok.
I do know who it is, and I am very happy to hear from you. Your xh could have won prizes for his MLC script It is good that your son is building a relationship with his father. It is tough on these kids.
You are one of my MLC heroines.
I know you too
I didn't at first, but then I recognized you. It was like hearing someone's voice when you can't see their face. You still know its them.
Personally, I was so very happy to have you back. I missed you and your comforting words more than you'll ever know.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it's easy to forget that a "vet" wasn't always so. Everyone starts out a newbie.
I was not aware of your health ailments, and I'm sorry to hear that both you and your son are affected. I know that carries its own set of issues to deal with. It's not easy.
You are such an inspiration around here, and your kind insight helps so many.
Thank you
Hey Bea, my friend, thank you. And you are one of mine. And yep, my xh brought a lot of laughter and head scratching to this site. He was a strange one. LOL!
TVS, thank you so much for your kind words. I am humbled by them. I always hope I help in some small way. You are so very special.
My son and I do struggle with some difficult things, but, he is my hero. Whenever I start to feel a little sorry for myself, I look at him and how he lives his life with such dignity and strength and remember that I am blessed in so many ways.
The past several months, I have been getting infrequent texts from xh. Realized it starts around the anniversary date of our divorce.
Dont try to figure it out, folks, you will hurt yourself. LOL!
Anyway, sometimes I answer, sometimes I dont. Depends on what he texts, depends on if I feel like it. Sometimes I need a good laugh.
More often than not they require no answer.
But I am going to share one because it might help show the mind of the MLCers.
Here we go...
He: Hey, what's up? How are you doing?
Me: Doing good, you?
He: Me? Oh, good, good.
Me: OK then.
he: Do you know what time of year it is?
Me: Going into Spring?
He: Come on. It's two years since we divorced.
Me: Oh. Ok. Happy Anniversary?
He: That's silly. Just popped into my head.
Me: Ok, well, thanks for sharing. Have a great day.
He: That's all you have to say about it?
Me: Um, yes, I think that's about it. U?
He: I feel like something should be said.
Me: Feel free.
He: I guess, Happy Anniversary of our divorce.
Friends, I kid you not. And as my friend True knows, I then proceeded to bang my head against the wall.
And I know back into the tunnel he goes. LOL!
I always felt that your xh was a very special MLCer! Thank you for sharing
Bea, I'm not sure special is the word I would use. LOL!
I do wonder sometimes, for just a minute, what it feels like up in there. I mean, really? Of all the things he could possibly say to me, this is it?
You know, puttin aside all the stuff I dealt with, I did always find it fascinating that he brain could work that way.
So, happy anniversary to me, I guess. LOL!
You cant make this stuff up.
Edit - fingers arent working today.
"Putting aside all the stuff I dealt with, I did always find it fascinating that his brain could work that way.
Interesting text. I'm going to give my spin on it. Mlcers do remember dates that have impacted them emotionally but they generally do not say much about them. However, I think your xh was testing the waters to see how you feel now about the divorce after two years. Sounds like he's been doing some thinking if he made a point of texting you about the date.
I think you handled it very well and in a very nice way told him that you hadn't given the date any thought.
He's one special mlcer! I don't know too many that would remind the lbs of the date. LOL!
Ummm my xh invited me to lunch after our court hearing to finalise the divorce and financial settlement. My lawyer said he had never had that happen before. He called me just before we went into court - hadn't heard from him in months at that point!
They are strange, very strange
Who knows? Snodderly. I dont read anything into it. I just think something reminded him and he had to say something.
Bea, he walked me to my car after the divorce was final and said, "Do you want to go get something to eat?" Um no, sorry, dont have much of an appetite right now!
I honestly don't think they realize, in their present state of mind, what divorce truly means. Yes, it ends the marriage, but it also ends whatever relationship you had w/your former spouse, i.e., it's not the cozy, warm and fuzzy life any longer. I think in their minds that lbs will remain friends and do things w/them even after the divorce. They may even go as far as thinking we will forgive them for all of their destructive behaviors and I would venture to bet that they are counting on us and our love for them to continue those friendships. As I have said many times, they expected us to remain right where they left us and most likely counted on our feelings to be the same. Poor souls, never in a million years did they count on any of us moving on w/our lives and those feelings of warm and fuzzy changing into something called "civil" behavior.
I agree with you Snodderly - one of the striking things about my recent interactions with my xh is his politeness and hesitancy. He hasn't been doing the cuckoo clock bird flying out.
He actually said he quite understood if I didn't want to talk to him or meet him, which suggested to me that at least a glimmer of light has entered his fuddled brain. He equally hasn't said he was sorry, but he did come up with a sizeable chunk of money to help with youngest son's law school expenses. I do think the magnitude of what he has lost is coming back to him - he said he hoped to have the opportunity to get to know his sons' wives and partners better too But didn't blame his children or their partners for this, as in the past.
.
One thing I do belive is that those guys who run fast hard and for a long time, do really terrible things to their families, afer a lifetime of 'good behaviour' genuinely can't see a road back that they can take. Not my problem, and nothing I can do, but I do feel sorry for the terrible mess he made for all of us. We are OK now. He at least seems to grasp he was part of the mess, that it didn't just 'happen' and that we have all moved.
Apologies for threadjack.
that was indeed an interesting text...but not all that surprising, really. he is, after all, that person
i'm glad you're not trying to analyze or anything......i'm still at the point where i would and i know there is no use in it
i am glad your s has a relationship with his father...that is important
and i'm sure he is a wonderful young man....after all, look at his mom
xo
Hey Snodderly and Bea. I am not so sure my xh expects me to be right where he left me. Then again, I have no idea what's in his head, if anything. LOL!
Honestly, I think he is still deep in, with periods of peeking out, but, who knows?
I wish him well, really I do. And I have forgiven him because I dont want to carry that around with me.
Bea, my friend, you never have to worry about hijacking. Anything you want to say on my thread is welcome.
Grr, thank you for your kind words. You will get to where you need to be. There really is no use analyzing because it doesnt get you anywhere.
Yes, xh and our son have a good relationship. That is something I really wanted for my son. But, it is not the relationship they once had or the one they would have had if this didnt happen and that's too bad.
my xh is rebuilding his relationship with his three sons - not what it was, as you say, but better than it has been for several years. He now wants and values it. I would say it is becoming more important in his life again, which has to be healthy.
I agree about carrying a weight of anger - it is tiring, as are all the other emotions that we had all bottled up inside.
B, so glad to read that your xh is reconnecting with your sons.
Oh...how I missed these text summarizes.
Hey Eric, yea, they were somethin! Miss them, um, not so much - LOL! Though I will admit to needing a good laugh now and then.
He's been texting more often than usual. Something's brewing.
I do miss you, my friend. Hope all is well.
I do miss you, my friend. Hope all is well.
Miss you too young lady! Things are good...Thank God.
Not so young, Eric - except in my head! LOL! Glad to hear things are good. So happy for you, my friend - you deserve it.
Hey the head is all that matter! We all deserve it B..all of us.
How are things on your end?
Eric
Still dealing with some stuff, but hanging in.
And yes we do all deserve it. Abso-freakin-lutely!
Happy Easter, my friends. I know that holidays are especially difficult when going through this. Treat yourselves with kindness.
Wanted to share some things I've learned along the way:
First and foremost, trust in Him.
Be true to yourself. Always, in all ways.
The ultimate act of love is letting go.
Laugh often and loud. Great big belly laughs.
The most important thing we must be in our lives and the lives of those we love is to be present.
Forgiveness is giving up the wish that things can be different.
You can never go wrong if you act with dignity.
Remember always that we are all worthy. No one and nothing can take that away - except you.
I wish you all a wonderful day, filled with memory making fun and laughter.
Happy Easter to you and your son. May you have a wonderful day.
Thank you for sharing that urworthy.
Those are some beautiful thoughts for today.
rH
Thanks UW, beautiful words indeed
Wishing you a wonderful Easter fiiled with joy and contentment, shared with those that matter most
happy easter to you and your boy!
i hope the day is beautiful for you both and i'm so glad you put up that post,
thank you
xo
Thank you all for stopping by. Hope you had a wonderful day.
I got to spend it with my son and my sister, her h and my amazing niece and nephew. They are all the family I have, but, I couldnt ask for any better. We had a ball!
It's funny but even after all this time - there is a moment on holidays when I look around and feel the loss. It is fleeting, but, there nonetheless. I think it is more about the fact that my son has to choose who to spend the day with and I sometimes wonder what he is feeling.
My xh texted me wishing me a Happy Easter, which he has been doing a bit more lately on holidays. Who knows why? Doesnt really matter.
Though I have my struggles, I am so very blessed.
Happy Easter to you B!
Yes you are!
Happy Easter, Eric, my friend. Hope you had a great one.
And to all those on here who celebrate it, hope yours were good.
A couple of things I wanted to share if I may.
I was married a long time before the bomb. We were young when we started dating.
I realize now so many things. It's funny how clear things become after.
He did some terrible things during all this. And truthfully, the least of which was the affair. That was a wish to go back in time to his first real love and to relive his youth. And while I dont fully understand it, it is not the thing that continues to hurt me.
Dont get me wrong, that is a terrible thing, to cheat on your spouse. And it broke my heart and hurt me to my core. i am not in anyway minimizing its affect on me. It was like a long deep knife in my back. It made me feel so badly about myself.
I guess it is a different kind of hurt than the calculating things that he did to ruin me financially and how much he hurt our son that leaves the most scars.
He had to really think it through and do things in specific ways that required he really think about them before actually putting it into action.
I forgave him a long time ago. He knows it. He doesnt understand why I did. It doesnt really matter if he does or not.
When I see my xh, he is a shell of a man. When he smiles, it doesnt reach his eyes. There is no laughter, no lightness about him. He still looks confused, lost. As far as I know, after the initial ow, there has been no one else.
And I think about how much he lost in the search for happiness and I feel so sorry for him that he never looked inside to find it.
I know that those were his actions and he has to own them. But, the only one who can judge is Him. It is not in my hands.
I still wish my xh finds his way. No longer does that wish include me, but, I do hope he finds a way to some happiness.
Everyone deserves that. Even him.
UW, Sharing your experiences, thoughts, and feelings is truly inspirational.
To know that it is possible to rise above all the hurt and devastation gives me hope.
And it's not like the hope that H and I will reconcile - that's different.
It's the hope that I'm going to be at peace with all of this someday.
You say when you see your XH now, he is a shell of a man. I remember that during the bomb, one of the things my H yelled at me was "I feel like a shell of a person!" Those were his exact words.
I also remember during the bargaining stage of my journey, I would pray and beg to God for H's fog to lift, for us to be a couple and a family again.
Now I pray that he makes it through no matter what, whether he and I are together or not. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in emotional hell. I love him enough to want him to find happiness again.
I just wish it wasn't at the expense of our M and our family.
You have been through so much, endured so much - I am sorry for all that your x did to you and your son.
Glad you're here
T, you brought me to tears with your words. Thank you.
I know, without a doubt, that you will be at peace one day, whether with your h or not. You're a class act, my friend.
I loved my xh very much. And with that love, came the wish that he find his way. I wished him well on his life's journey and still do. But as you, I wish it wasnt at the expense of his family.
I have been through a lot, it's true. And I still struggle in a lot of ways. But there are those who have suffered so much more.
As for being here, I would not have made it through this had it not been for some very special people here. I vowed to pay it forward, so I try.
And I guess that I'm just trying to contribute to the belief that people can look inside and save themselves.
But my real hope is that maybe it allows someone to know that
they are heard and understood and that they are not alone.
Dear UW ~
You are welcome
I honestly don't know how a person could get through this without support. It is unimaginable.
And trying to explain the whole MLC thing to people, well, you really do have to see it to believe it. And even then, it's hard to believe!
I guess I still wonder, is there such a thing as a happy ending? I mean, I know I'll be okay, my kids will be okay, I can take care of them and love them and live my life.
But will my heart ever truly be happy? Will it ever not hurt? Some days I just don't know.
T, I do believe we can be happy after all this. But we will not ever be the same. In some ways, at least for me, that is a good thing as I changed in some really positive ways.
But, to be honest, it has also changed my views on love and committment. I hope one day that I will feel differently, I am just not completely there yet.
As I said to Bea, my xh was such a huge part of my life's story. He was a huge part of what I thought my future was going to look like.
I could not be with him as he is now. But that doesnt stop me from remembering who he once was and feeling a bit sad about it.
It doesnt stop me from looking at my son, who was so angry that his father left, that he put a huge tattoo on his arm from a song about a Captain who was away at sea and who left his children. It is basically an f u to his dad, which breaks my heart.
It doesnt stop me from looking around at the holidays and feeling the loss.
But it also doesnt stop me from having hope that one day I will find happiness with someone who loves me for who I am.
It doesnt stop me from being at peace that I loved with all my heart, so much that I let him go.
It doesnt stop me from believing that I deserve happiness and peace.
So, T, will you ever truly be happy? I have great hope that you will be. Will it ever not hurt? In time, the hurt is like a healed scar. Still there under the surface, but, no longer searing pain.
We just do the best we can in this life. And maybe, if we are very lucky, happiness and peace comes from knowing we did.
I will jump in here - for many years I doubted if I would ever recover and be happy, truly happy. And I am but in a different way from how I used to feel.
The only way I can describe it, for me, is that when you are little your idea of a perfect day is often a particular thing - different for all of us, but not something that we would necessarily want to do now! And our tastes change too as we get older. I no longer want to be a horse, which was my greatest ambition when I was 7!
Well finding new happiness is like that. I have truly learned that happiness really is the gift we give ourselves, but we can't force it. We can only plant the seed and nurture it. patience and time, and you will get there, but it won't, in all probability be what you think.
For some of us it is a new relationship, but with a very different person than our xh, others remain alone, but enjoy the positives of the single life (and there are many!)
We cherish our friends, develop good judgements about people, and take up new activites. Our life fills up and the hurt heals, The prospect of the rest of my life alone no longer worries me. I cannot stress enough the importance of time in all of this.
Hey Bea, always happy when you come by. I agree.
In many ways, I am happier than I have been in a long time. And there are all kinds of happy. My xh was a difficult man before the MLC.
And I am perfectly ok with being single. If someone happens to come along, I am open to it. If not, I am ok.
I still deal with some tough stuff and there are things I need to work on and sort out, but, I am getting there each day.
This is not the life I envisioned, but, neither was the one I was living.
Just read this somewhere:
"Forgiveness comes when you realize that the other person wasnt capable of anything more."
As I read about the people on here struggling to get through all this, it makes me think of some things I thought I'd share.
In this life, we come to expect it to go a certain way.
But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We experience illnesses, death, miscarriages, divorce, etc. We think we cannot possibly get through them and yet we do.
Some of us come out stronger, some not so much. Some become bitter and some do not.
The difference, I think, in how we survive is not so much how tough we are, but, in how open we are.
We only get this one shot. And we get to choose how we take it.
I think that we should just do the very best we can. And maybe, if we are very lucky, happiness and peace comes from knowing we did.
Great words, UW, great words.
I think sometimes we question ourselves, wondering, are we doing the best we can?
We have to come to the realization that doing the best we can does not necessarily coincide with things going the way we wish.
Some things I've learned along the way-
~ bad things happen to good people. All the time. No rhyme or reason for it.
~ there's no unspoken limit to bad things happening to a person during their lifetime. It's not like, hey, I got my bad thing happening to me out of the way, so now I'm good!
~ when bad things happen, you can face things and deal or run. The outcome will be different from what you choose.
And UW, there are a lot of your old posts still here if you dig around. Do a search of your nickname as a kid ( I stumbled across this while searching under the name I first knew you by
) Your old posts have been very inspirational for me. I mean that.
Hope you're having a good weekend
Hey T, we should always question, are we doing our best. And if we are, then it doesnt really matter what the outcome is.
You have learned some important things. Things that you will carry with you for a lifetime.
And yep, there is no unspoken limit as to how many bad things can happen to one person. I used to wave my hand and say, ok, I'm good - had my share. LOL!
But then I realized, all of those things made me who I am today.
Do I wish I could have learned all that in a way that wasnt so difficult? Yes!!!
But, that is not what His plan for me was.
And so I still take each thing and struggle through. And each and every time I make it, I know it has added a richness to my being.
The only was to do it, is through it.
I dont really look at my old posts. I know a lot of the more recent ones are gone. For my own reasons.
I am glad if they help in any way. And I hope you got to the part where I made it!
I ran into my xh as he came up to see our son in our town.
From my view, he is still in a MLC. I feel that way for a lot of reasons.
It is strange being around him for any length of time.
He still wants to be friends. He knows that isnt possible as long as he continues to hurt me financially. He cant see the connection. Not my problem.
I know our conversations are quite amusing to others, so here goes:
He: So, uR, you look good.
Me: Thanks.
He: Are you going to say the same to me?
Me: Um, I wasnt going to.
He: Yea, I know I've gained a lot of weight. (He had lost a ton for the ow, but, she is long gone).
Me: Wasnt really noticing to tell you the truth.
He: Oh ok. Well, um, you know I always said you were the best thing that every happened to me, right?
Me: So you've said.
He: Yea, well, I guess saying it and doing what I did doesnt really match up.
Me: Ya think?
He: I miss your sense of humor, uR.
Me: I bet you do.
He: I do. Well, I can see you want to get going. Take care. Maybe one day I will just call you up.
Me: Thanks for the warning. LOL!
You cant make this stuff up.
I love your conversations with him!!!!
It does seem that he repeatedly recognizes that there is only one you in this world, and he screwed it up. I don't really know what that means, or if it means anything. Who can tell with these wackos?!?!?
Out of curiosity, how does he act with your son? Is there any sense of normalcy there?
When I am having a down moment, I am going to reread your conversation. You really can't make this stuff up
T, he does always say that. Not sure what reaction he wants from me, but, clearly I am not giving the right one as he always makes it a point to say it.
Not sure what it means. Dont really think about it.
If I had to guess, there is a part of him that would be open to seeing what would happen between us.
He knows he screwed up. He also knows that there is truth to the statement. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and there is only one me.
But what he doesnt get is, he could say it all day long. It doesnt negate the fact that he continues to ruin me financially.
So to me, it is just lip service.
But I will say, it is sad to see him as he is now. He is a shell of a man. Driving around in a bmw convertible when the person you spent more than half your life with is struggling so will do that to you.
As far as his relationship with our son - I think it is somewhat normal considering that he is not. LOL!
They talk and text a lot. They get together and spend time together. My son was upset about the bmw. And I think he sees that his father has issues. And my son has lost a lot of respect for him. Not from anything I have ever said or did. He saw things on his own. And he does sometimes tell me that his dad says some things that dont make sense. I just listen.
And though they are close, their relationship is nowhere near what it once was. And I am not sure it ever will be.
Glad I can entertain you. Just dont hurt yourself when you reread it.
uR,
I believe you are reading him correctly, i.e., wanting to see what would happen between you. Your xh doesn't know how to make amends and still is a bit foggy.
I think he opens the door every time he meets you by complimenting you. Yes, he realizes that you were the best of everything in his life pre-crisis. He can't locate the right key to unlock your door of indifference, but he's going to continue to try.
I'm glad that you son stays in touch w/his father, but the relationship will never be the same and that's very unfortunate.
You've come a long way and I do understand where you are coming from. He had it all and then destroyed everything that was good and nothing will ever be the same for him. Life didn't turn out the way he thought it should. Poor soul.
Please take care of yourself.
As for being here, I would not have made it through this had it not been for some very special people here. I vowed to pay it forward, so I try.
And that you are :-)
And I guess that I'm just trying to contribute to the belief that people can look inside and save themselves.
But my real hope is that maybe it allows someone to know that
they are heard and understood and that they are not alone.
You are an angel and have touched me, helped me, given me hope. You are truly WORTHY!
Everything he said ^^^^^^!!!!
I'm glad that your son and H at least have a decent R. It is sad that it is not what it should be.
It seems like your H is remorseful for the A, but not about the financial stuff. Should we just chalk that up to his jello brain? Is he really that clueless?
The "shell people" are truly sad, lost, pathetic individuals.
Hope you are having a good day
I ran into my xh as he came up to see our son in our town.
From my view, he is still in a MLC. I feel that way for a lot of reasons.
It is strange being around him for any length of time.
He still wants to be friends. He knows that isnt possible as long as he continues to hurt me financially. He cant see the connection. Not my problem.
I know our conversations are quite amusing to others, so here goes:
He: So, uR, you look good.
Me: Thanks.
He: Are you going to say the same to me?
Me: Um, I wasnt going to.
He: Yea, I know I've gained a lot of weight. (He had lost a ton for the ow, but, she is long gone).
Me: Wasnt really noticing to tell you the truth.
He: Oh ok. Well, um, you know I always said you were the best thing that every happened to me, right?
Me: So you've said.
He: Yea, well, I guess saying it and doing what I did doesnt really match up.
Me: Ya think?
He: I miss your sense of humor, uR.
Me: I bet you do.
He: I do. Well, I can see you want to get going. Take care. Maybe one day I will just call you up.
Me: Thanks for the warning. LOL!
You cant make this stuff up.
LOL! This sounds like a script from a romantic comedy. Anyone got the popcorn handy?
Hiya, Snodderly, always happy to see you visit my thread.
You were always so helpful to me and I appreciate your kind words.
JP, thank you so much. I am glad if I have helped in any way. You are very special.
TVS, I feel such a connection to you and now I just read that you love to organize, too. I love it, also.
My xh was always able to compartmentalize everything. And so, he is able to somehow separate some of his actions from others. I really do believe that he doesnt get it. Scary.
WH, you have no idea how much of my contact with him is like a comedy.
I'll take some twizzlers, too.
I get it uR. My H is out in left field too. He is clueless.
I like Twizzlers. Strawberry, please. And some sno-caps too.
Hi UR,
I have a question for you. Is there any way you would ever get back together with your XH... you know, if he were to come out of the fog, or is that a "never going to happen no matter what" scenario? I am very curious.
hey FY, just saw this post to me.
I always said that out of respect for a 30 relationship and as he is the father of my only child, I would listen if he ever were to want to talk about it.
But I have to tell you, there was so much damage done, and is still being done financially, that it would take an awful lot of work.
And I dont think he's up for it.
This all allowed me to see my marriage in a very different light. And there were many things in it that were not good. Dont get me wrong, I loved him very much and accepted him for who he was.
I owned all of my stuff and then some. He was a very controlling, negative person with very high standards. He could never be wrong and never apologized before the bomb. And as a result, I became very small.
I could never be in a relationship like that again. I have not seen him do any of the work on himself that he needs to do.
If I had to venture a guess, based on some stuff he's said casually, he realizes what he's lost on some level.
And he lost big.
And now I'm curious, why were you curious?
You know FY, I was thinking about my post and I wanted to add something.
It is almost 6 years since BD. My xh lives 5 hours away. I do not even know him anymore.
I am not the same person I was back then, thank goodness. I have come a long way.
When I see him, he is like someone I used to know once. Weird to think after being together 30 years but there it is.
Sometimes I look at him and I cant remember what it was like living with him. And then he will say something condescending and it all comes back.
But as I said, I would give a 30 year relationship respect by listening.
In all honesty, I've worked too hard to become who I am, and he has done some horrendous things and continues to, to see me ever be back with him.
I have forgiven him and he knows that. I wish him only happiness on his life's journey.
It is a sad thing that this happened. I wouldnt wish it on anybody. My life is forever changed as is my son's.
I dont think I will ever recover financially.
As for my xh, he is a shell of a man. He doesnt fully realize the depth of what he's done. And quite honestly, I am not sure he ever really will.
It doesnt matter to me if he does or doesnt. Quite frankly, if he did, it would bring him to his knees.
So, this is not what I thought my life was going to be like.
But, I am going to live it.
And now I'm curious, why were you curious?
Because I value your insight and I'm taking notes!
Ours is also a 30+ year relationship, but that's pretty much where the similarity ends. For me, (and her until Mom passed) it was overwhelmingly good. Pretty much the only damage here is her rejecting me as her lover at bomb drop. Even so, I find this very disrespectful and will not put up with it forever. I've been going through one of my semi-regular "making this reality known to her" phases the past few days, but won't say anything because she is leaving for vacation on Sunday.
But, and I've said this many times before, eventually it seems it will come to this.
I know I'll be fine on my own... I don't need a best friend W (who looks hot) that I can't touch. On the other hand I have no interest in other women, and the issues they would surely come with. So, if we split, I would be open to reconnect, I think... but only if she chased me.
Thanks UR.
Hey FY, thanks for saying you value my insight. Means a lot.
Only you know when you've had enough. Your issue is a very big issue, in my mind.
As far as other women, I dont think you are anywhere near ready to be thinking about that. As far as them having issues, well, so does your wife - you are just more familiar with hers.
.
The thing of it is, if it comes to that, I can understand you being open for reconnection, absoloutely. Keeping the door slightly cracked is healthy, but, I'd hate to see you hainging on forever waiting and not moving forward with your life.
And one day that might very well include wanting to meet someone.
But as I said, you will know when you are ready.
Life should be savored, FY. And I for one hope that if my future includes a relationship, I will relish every part of it.
And you're welcome.
As far as other women, I dont think you are anywhere near ready to be thinking about that.
Right. I said I'm NOT interested in other women. If W doesn't come around and see that our 34 years together were good, and can be even better, then I'd rather be by myself.
As far as them having issues, well, so does your wife - you are just more familiar with hers.
.
What can I say, you got me there!
The thing of it is, if it comes to that, I can understand you being open for reconnection, absoloutely. Keeping the door slightly cracked is healthy, but, I'd hate to see you hainging on forever waiting and not moving forward with your life.
I am moving forward. I'm doing everything that I want to do. We all should. Moving forward doesn't mean we have to dump them, or start a new R.
We are told over and over that MLC takes years to work through. I consider it admirable to stand by our spouse during this period if we can do it.
And one day that might very well include wanting to meet someone.
But as I said, you will know when you are ready.
I don't even want to think about that.
Life should be savored, FY. And I for one hope that if my future includes a relationship, I will relish every part of it.
Agreed, and I'm sure you will.
You said it has been almost 6 years since your BD. How long did you stand, and were you the one to initiate D?
You said it has been almost 6 years since your BD. How long did you stand, and were you the one to initiate D?
Ok, so I went back to your opening post and seen you filed after two years of putting up with crap. It sounds like H was realy making things stressful on you. Looking back, do you wish you had filed sooner?
I'm so glad to hear you were able to keep your three promises to yourself... and thankful that you continue to post here to help others.
I've been able to keep my first promise to myself. Stand for at least a year. I really don't want to leave my love if she is in pain and confused. She stood by me all these years. It does help that she is a low energy MLC'er. (but still hurts plenty)
Hey Fy, several months after my xh told me out of the blue that he no longer wanted to be married, I found out he had an ow.
It was his gf from 30 years ago. The one he was with before me. She had lived with him at the time and cheated on him with his best friend. He broke up with her and shortly after, he met me. She wanted him back, but, he was not interested.
We met when I was 19, married 4 years later. We had some extremely tramatic life events, but, we had a good marriage. As a result of these events, he became more and more rigid, I became more and more depressed.
But I loved him deeply and accepted him for who he was.
When BD came, I was devastated. I did all the wrong things for quite sometime, til I figured stuff out.
I confronted him about the affair, he denied it. He stayed in my bed for almost a year. Stayed in the house for another year.
All the while, I worked on me.
I wish I had done things differently. I wish that I insisted he leave the house sooner.
He would not file. In my state, debt is divided in half no matter if it is in one spouse's name. It does not matter if you dont know about it. There is no legal separation. I did not know how much debt he was amassing, but, I knew it was a lot. So, I had no choice but to file. I do wish I had done it sooner as his debt was over $50,000.
There is so much more to the financial stuff he did.
I knew he was in a MLC. I knew he was hurting. But, I also knew that I had to take care of me and our son.
He would go to see the ow whenever he could. He then moved two hours away.
As my son was older, it was no longer necessary for us to have a lot of contact.
When the affair was over, he came to talk to me. I know he felt there was so much damage that I hated him.
I told him that I forgave him and that I will always love him and that I wish him well on his life's journey.
He moved 5 hours away for a job. Whenever I saw him, we were cordial. I tried to keep him in the loop about our son. As he was still very much in the tunnel, he hadnt been very involved.
I worked on me. I had a lot of stuff I needed to change.
I know without a singe doubt that he needed to do this.
I also know that life did not turn out as he thought it would.
He still marvels that I even talk to him. I have told him that you dont just throw away 30 years. At least I couldnt.
He has done some horrific things. And as he still continues to do them, I take what he says with a grain of salt.
I know he has deep regrets about some of what he has done to me. And he knows he lost the best thing he ever had.
But we are very different people now.
And I know that he is still in the tunnel, though he is peaking out more and more.
I agree with you, we should not dump them or find a new relationship. I also know that we should not give up our lives for them either.
I did not make a conscious decision to stand or not stand. I just lived my life the best way I knew how. And I lovingly let him go.
He knows that I am no longer angry with him. He knows if he needed a friend, I would be there as I would for any other friend.
He has a life in another state. And no one ne knows what the future holds.
But I do know this. While I wish I could have learned what I needed to learn under different circumstances, this was a journey I was meant to go on.
And Fy, as I said, I promised myself throughout it all, that I would act with dignity and that I would not allow what happened to make me behave in an angry or negative way towards my h. And I kept those promises.
For a lot of reasons. One of which was to honor a marriage, a 30 year relationship and to respect the father of my son.
And that, I do not regret.
Really beautiful.
The whole story gives me such a feeling of love and light
Dear UW ~
Thank you for sharing your story. I too have often wondered if there would be a chance for R for you and xh. The human heart is so delicate, yet resiliant and fascinating- sometimes I feel like we never really know what could possibly happen when it comes to our emotions.
Thirty years is a long time, a lot of life lived in that time. It speaks volumes about you how you handled yourself then, and the dignified manner in which you continue to live your life.
It is an inspiration to us all
I hope, really really hope, that one day you will find the love you deserve, and that your heart will be open to receive it.
You are one special lady, UW. With all the kindness you show others, I hope you realize this about yourself
Hi uRw,
Thank you so much for sharing. This is an amazing story of true love and growth.
This is my favorite:
I did not make a conscious decision to stand or not stand. I just lived my life the best way I knew how. And I lovingly let him go.
And I love the name you picked. It says a lot about who you are and your belief in giving other people freedom.
Thank you,
rH
My friend, T, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so very much to me.
And you are right, we cannot possibly know what can happen when it comes to our emotions.
I try really hard to live a life of dignity. It is the cornerstone for all my actions and reactions. That mindset keeps me in check.
I have had more than one person tell me that if all this happened to them, they know without a doubt that they would wind up angry and resentful and bitter.
I gently remind them that is no way to live. It is far harder to forgive, but, oh the rewards.
I always try to keep it real. There are times when I am really struggling financially or healthwise, and know he is driving around in a bmw and I think it would be really easy to lash out and blame him. I have to think it would not change the situation, but, it would change me.
I wished him well and I mean it.
I do not know what my future holds. If it is meant to hold love, that will enrich my life. But if it isnt, that is ok, too.
I am always a work in progress. So, I do not always see myself in the light that others might.
As long as I have my roadmap though, I am ok.
Hi, just stopping by...
This post has really helped me:
The feeling that you won’t get through this will go away.
Really embrace the fact that you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.
Own your own stuff, let your spouse own theirs.
Your spouse is in a life crisis. It is their journey. Let them walk it. Your job is to get out of the way.
Any changes you deem necessary to make have to be real and for you. If they are not, it doesn’t serve you well and doesn’t help the situation.
Always act with dignity.
Use the feelings of anger you will have as a way to propel you forward. Feel them, and then let them wash over you and let them go. Otherwise it will weigh you down and sap your energy.
You may feel you need your spouse, but in reality, you don’t. You want them. There is a difference.
Whenever you think that your life is horrible, remember there are always others whose lives are more difficult.
Never, ever get in the way of your children’s relationship with their other parent.
Your children are looking to you to show them how to navigate through life’s difficulties. What a gift you have been given. Make sure you show them well.
This journey is a wonderful opportunity to become the person you were meant to be – the very best you.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It brings you freedom and peace.
And something so important – always remember that you are worthy. No one and nothing can take that away - except you.
But I do know this. While I wish I could have learned what I needed to learn under different circumstances, this was a journey I was meant to go on.
Amen. And thanks for sharing
Hey Labug, thanks for stopping by. I am so glad if that post helped you in some way.
Those were some hard earned lessons and I am happy to pass them along.
Hiya, Say, thanks for stoppin' in.
I was doing something thinking today. Not always a good thing in my case. LOL!
Anyway, I was thinking that we had no choice in the BD. But everything else after that, we did.
It is our choice how we react, how we act, what we say. Our choice of whether to act with dignity or not. Our choice in whether to stand or not, whether to love or not, whether to strike out in anger or retaliation.
And though my life is a very difficult one in many ways, I am so glad I made the choices I did.
It was ectremely difficult this, that is for sure. But it means something if at the end of the day, you can look in the mirror and be ok with who you are and how you've acted. It means something to know that you loved with all you had, so much so that you let go.
The choices we make, the stands we take, the lives we touch and love, all matter. It all matters.
edit...extremely difficult. Fingers not working today. LOL!
Oops, sorry, RH, I just saw your post. Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind words.
You are a very special lady.
Dear UW~
Yet another wonderful post
You are right, we had no choice with the bomb drop, and we do have control with everything after. Problem is, I think it takes a very long time to realize this.
Instead, we try to control the wrong things, like our spouse, what they do, say, and feel. We haven't learned yet that there is no controlling others.
Only ourselves. We can always control what we do and how we act.
Once I figured out that I could leave anytime or end things when/if I needed to, it helped me to see how much control I really did have.
You are right, everything we do, how we live each day, it all matters.
You have one heck of a roadmap my friend
T, I want you to know that I feel a true connection with you. You are very special to me. And thank you for your kind words.
These things that I learned were hard earned. And I guess I feel that sharing what I've learned might help someone else not to have to go through quite as hard a time. At least, that is my great hope.
Dear UW ~
You are very special to me too. Truly, as I've said before, my guardian angel. Lord knows there were times where it felt like I was in hell, me barely hanging on by a thread.
I never forget the kindness that others show me. Ever.
You help someone with each and every post you make. Someone, somewhere, reads your words and maybe doesn't feel so alone, or so hopeless, or so sad, or so lost. Often times, that person is me
Like you, I also scare myself sometimes by thinking too much. Where the hell is the off switch to my brain lol!
In taking a break from reading things here, or on affairs, or MLC, I have been reading a book just for fun called "Love the One You're With". Subliminal message in the title? Perhaps!
Anyway, there was a quote in the book about love that I thought you would appreciate-
"But maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."
Have a good evening
T, thank you. Your words made me cry. I am humbled by them.
It really is an honor for me to pay it forward in any way I can.
I am glad you are taking a break from reading about all this. It gets to you after awhile.
I LOVE that quote and I agree completely.
I was thinking today about my sitch. When all this happened, my son was 16. He was just starting to become a man and this really derailed him.
Everyone told me to tell him about his father and what he had done. But for me, it just didnt feel right.
I told myself I would not lie to my son if he asked me a direct question.
When speaking to him, I said, that what happened between his father and I had nothing to do with him. And those things were between us.
I reminded him that he was a good father to him and that he loved him.
I told him that I wished things had turned out differently. he asked if I tried to save the marriage. I answered that I had.
I knew that if I told him about the affair and everything else, knowing my son, he would no longer speak to his father.
I would do nothing to cause harm to their relationship. It was theirs to forge.
I was also torn because I worried that my son would not really know who his father was.
I prayed alot and realized that my son needed to make decisions about his father on his own.
And he has. They are trying to rebuild their relationship, but, my son does not have the same kind of respect for him that he once did.
He tells me that his dad quit on his family. He walked away when it was too hard. I listen mostly and answer questions when he asks.
He also has thanked me for never saying a bad word about his dad. He thanked me for allowing him to have a relationship with him. He told me he has a lot of friends whose moms say horrible things about their exh's and put their kids in the middle.
It was a choice I made. I do not regret it for a minute.
Hi UW!
Just wanted to wish you a very happy Mother's Day. Your son is one lucky young man to have an amazing woman like you as a mother
Hope you are enjoying your day!
Thanks, T. I am the lucky one.
He is an amazing young man who has endured so much in his young life. And he has shown such courage and strength through it all.
I am blessed.
I had a wonderful day with him. Hope yours was great, too.
Hey darlin'!
Geez I go away for six months and can't find anybody.
Still banging your head against the wall?
Yay, True, you found me! How are you, man? I've missed you.
The head banging, yea, when I need a good laugh.
Hope you are doing well.
Thanks for looking me up.
I share my feelings, my story in the hope that it helps someone just as those before me helped me so much.
I am struggling a bit, lately. Happens from time to time. This is a journey that I will always be on.
I have changed and grown, to be sure. I have overcome a lot and figured out a lot. But I am not living the life I want to be.
And so, I guess I am stuck.
While I have changed, there are still things about me I need to work on.
And there are things about my life and those in my life that are still such a struggle.
So, I wonder how to move forward to get to where I need to be.
I am a work in progress. That's for sure.
I pray that I find the strength for this next bit.
And I know, without a doubt, that He keeps me in His capable hands.
Hi uRw,
I'm sorry to hear it's been a struggle lately.
You've become a beacon of light here on this forum and I look forward to the wisdom dripping like sweet nectar to the hungry...in every post.
But you have your struggles your issues, your pain in the growth in this journey of life.
I'm so glad you have a faith stronger than doubt!
Hugs to you tonight,
rH
Dear RH, thank you so very much for your kind words. They mean so much.
I will get through it as we all do. One step at a time.
Hugs right back to you.
Dear UW ~
I am so very sorry you have been having a tough time lately. You are truly like a little angel around here, gently guiding others with your kind and wise words.
I have read a lot of your old posts, still reading them! You have overcome so much and are an inspiration.
We are all human, so we all have bad days. We are all a work in progress. We all have a heart that hurts sometimes.
You have such a big heart, no doubt it opens you up to being hurt. Yet, it is part of what makes you YOU.
I know you have been dealt some difficult things throughout your life, and you have handled each thing with strength and grace. I know you will figure this out too.
I'm here for you, always thinking and praying for you.
I hope you get to where you want to be. I know you will.
xoxo
This is a journey that I will always be on.
I have changed and grown, to be sure. I have overcome a lot and figured out a lot. But I am not living the life I want to be.
And so, I guess I am stuck.
While I have changed, there are still things about me I need to work on.
And there are things about my life and those in my life that are still such a struggle.
So, I wonder how to move forward to get to where I need to be.
I am a work in progress. That's for sure.
We should all be continuously growing, I don't believe there is some nirvana destination for us to be, where we are done growing/improving. We are all right where we should be at this moment. As long as we keep moving forward, we're not really stuck.
I can't imagine that you are not moving forward, uR. Maybe it's like when you're traveling in a car. When you look way off in the distance it seems like you're hardly moving. Yet when you look at something closer, you fly right past it.
The key, it seems to me, is learning to be content, happy, and even excited with the journey, and not focus so much on the destination.
We only have so many days, we HAVE TO figure out a way to enjoy each one,
no matter what comes our way.Well, there's my little ramblings for the day, I hope I didn't make things worse!
My friend, TVS,
Thank you as always for your kind words and your prayers are so very much appreciated. I am honored and humbled to think I may help someone in some small way when they are going through such a difficult time.
I have had a difficult life. More than I have shared on here. I used to wonder why it seemed that some seem to have so much more to deal with others. I dont do that anymore. Each of our lives are uniquely ours and each of our burdens are, too. No one's more important than anyone else's.
Yes, we all have a heart that hurts sometimes. And part of what I am struggling with has to do with my sister and my son.
I'm here for you, always thinking and praying for you.
I know you will.
You are very special to me, T. Thank you.
xoxo
Hiya FY,
We should all be continuously growing, I don't believe there is some nirvana destination for us to be, where we are done growing/improving. We are all right where we should be at this moment. As long as we keep moving forward, we're not really stuck.
Yep, I agree. I can't imagine that you are not moving forward, uR. Maybe it's like when you're traveling in a car. When you look way off in the distance it seems like you're hardly moving. Yet when you look at something closer, you fly right past it.
I am not looking at a particular destination, just continual growth. I feel like I am not moving forward within me. That the feelings and thoughts I have about some particular things are not where I want them to be. Hard to explain, I guess. I know that I will figure it out. I also know that I am hard on myself sometimes and I shouldnt be. I know better than that. The key, it seems to me, is learning to be content, happy, and even excited with the journey, and not focus so much on the destination.
We only have so many days, we HAVE TO figure out a way to enjoy each one,
no matter what comes our way.Fy, I hear ya. And I am, for the most part. I am always excited about what might be. Sometimes, though, you have to deal with what comes your way. I am just trying to figure out how best to do that so that I can continue on my journey in a positive way. Well, there's my little ramblings for the day, I hope I didn't make things worse!
You can never make things worse, FY. You are a joy!
Thank you for stopping by.
Sorry you are having a difficult time - as you know, after these times we often move forward.
Just read a great book which suggests that the Five Stages of Grief may not be helpful - that some hurts we learn to live with rather than 'get over' It made a lot of sense - sometimes we feel guilty because we don't feel OK.
The journey is hard and the road is long and winding. Take heart my old friend, you are an inspiration to everyone you come into contact with, as like St Francis, you seek to love, not to be loved. Your husband is truly crazy to have left a treasure like you, and a double idiot not to take good care of you.
As you know, after these times we often move forward.
Yes, you are right, my friend. That is always the hope.
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts, Bea.They mean so much. You always seemed to "get" me.
Your husband is truly crazy to have left a treasure like you, and a double idiot not to take good care of you.
As far as xh - we all know he was crazy. LOL! Still is. Still cant seem to understand why we cant be better friends. I wish him well, always.
You are very special to me too
Family things are difficult. I have a brother - yes, I know, I've never mentioned him. There are reasons for that. He has done a lot to hurt my family, especially my parents. He continues to be a great burden to them. But, they are all adults, so I do my best to stay out of the way...
I feel like when I read all the stories here, we are getting the tip of the iceberg, only info and details that people wish to share. So much goes into who we are and what we believe. I don't think there's a quick life summary out there for any of us.
I used to do the same too - wonder why certain people seemed to have it so easy, while others continually struggled. I have realized that things usually aren't what they seem for anybody - and that everyone has their own cross to bear.
You are an amazing woman, and yes, your xh is a crazy double idiot! But that's his problem, right?
Keep on being wonderful you and easing on down the road (even if it is long and windy)
Hey T, I agree, though we only see what people choose to post, they do come through. Who you are, what you are made of, comes through to me.
It is so difficult for me to see my son and my sister struggle so. To know that I cannot fix it. That is so hard for me to accept. So hard. They are the two people I love most in this world.
They are extraordinary people. Extraordinary. I am honored and blessed to be part of their lives.
So it is that and so much more.
There is a restlessness in me, of sorts. And it is true, as my friend Bea says. That, for me, when I feel this way, it is a backing up to take a leap over a big puddle.
It is part of a path for me to move forward again.
And that excites me and scares me just a little. I am not afraid of the work I know it entails, though.
And I understand that the very best things can come from the hardest work.
So, I will continue to think it through.
And when I can put it in words that make more sense, I will. And I know my friends on here will be there to cheer me on, boost me up and tell me like it is.
Thank you in advance.
I understand the pain you are feeling, I do.
Something else I have learned on life's journey is that when our loved ones hurt, we hurt too, and vice versa.
I've been on both sides, and it is hard.
There's a certain level of feeling helpless when we can't take away a loved ones pain. And there's a certain feeling of helplessness mixed with guilt when you are the one in pain that can't be helped. That's my experience anyway...
I love my children so much, and am thankful for them being at an age where I can still shelter them (mostly) from the ugliness in life (such as what has been going on with their father). But I know there will come a time when that will end. Not ready for that...
You are lucky to have people in your life whom you love and admire so much
- and they are lucky to have you.
I have thought often of your puddle analogy - you posted it to me awhile back about my H. We all have those puddle moments! (And he is becoming quite the limber guy - standing in doorways, feet in different rooms, trying to jump over puddles
)
And yes, you have friends here who will cheer you on as you lace up your sneakers and take that running start - but who will also pick you up out of the puddle if you don't quite make it the first time, giving you that towel to dry off, and encourage you to try again.
I agree - the best things do take the hardest work.
Continue to think it through, doing what you need to do, feeling what you need to feel.
I'm always ready to listen
I understand the pain you are feeling, I do.
Thank you.I love my children so much, and am thankful for them being at an age where I can still shelter them (mostly) from the ugliness in life (such as what has been going on with their father). But I know there will come a time when that will end. Not ready for that...
Yes, I am not going to lie, it is very hard. My son had a very difficult life before all this. I thought this would break him. And while he was derailed by it, I know that he has an incredible amount of strength and courage and pray each day he finds his way. And it doesnt stop me from wanting things to be easier for him. His life is such a struggle. I continue to be in awe of the amazing person he is. You are lucky to have people in your life whom you love and admire so much.
I am so very blessed.I have thought often of your puddle analogy - you posted it to me awhile back about my H. We all have those puddle moments! (And he is becoming quite the limber guy - standing in doorways, feet in different rooms, trying to jump over puddles
Haha. Yes, they do become quite limber. And yes, you have friends here who will cheer you on as you lace up your sneakers and take that running start - but who will also pick you up out of the puddle if you don't quite make it the first time, giving you that towel to dry off, and encourage you to try again.
Now you've made me cry. Continue to think it through, doing what you need to do, feeling what you need to feel.
I'm always ready to listen
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Just heard these two things. They spoke to me.
All things are lessons God wants us to learn. And He gives the best students the hardest tests.
When we have wounds, it means there is more work to be done. Do the work.
Love the quotes
Sorry I made you cry
Just want you to know how much I care.
I think I hear you lacing up your shoes now... Or maybe that's the sound of you cracking open some Hagen Daas? Either way, I'm in
Just want you to know how much I care.
Thank you for that. I think I hear you lacing up your shoes now... Or maybe that's the sound of you cracking open some Hagen Daas? Either way, I'm in
Ah, it was the daas. How'd you know? LOL! I'd love you to join me.
I like to post about stuff that happens with my xh from time to time to show how MLC can play out and hope it helps someone.
So, as some of you know, my xh was a particularly nutty MLCer. Some of the things that came out of his mouth were unbelieveable.
I really should have written a book.
Anyway, we dont have much real contact. He lives 5 hours away. son is over 21.
But from time to time, we do, for various reasons. I am happy to keep it at a minimum. I have forgiven him, really and truly and wish him well.
But because of the horrific things he did to me financially, which he still will not set right, though he is in a position to, while I continue to struggle, I see no reason to be friends at this time.
I hope my friend, True, is lurking. He always enjoyed a good convo between me and my ex.
I was going through some old photos. When h left, he took his clothes, that was it. Left things our son had given him, made him. Left it all. He knew where to find it, never asked.
But me being me, as I was going through these photos, I just felt that he should have them. I thought, he could do what he wants with them and I have done what I thought was right.
Ok, so I text him. Ready.....
Me; Was going through some old photos. Some of them are from when you were very young. I wanted to know if you would like to have them.
He: Photos?
Me: Um, yea. Photos, you know, you take them with a camera. You keep them as memories. LOL!
He: What kind of photos?
Me: Well, all of kinds. When you were a kid,a teenager, with your family, your son, with me. Did you forget you had pictures here?
He: I guess I hadnt thought of them.
Me: Ok, well, do you want me to pack them up and send them to you?
He: I guess so. You dont want to keep them?
Me: (Slapping my head)Um, not the ones of you as a kid and a teenager. Why would I?
He: So you can remember what I was like then.
Me: (slapping my head harder) But I didnt know you then. I asked son to take a look and he took a couple. So, do you want them?
He: What about the ones of us?
me: I kept the ones I wanted. I assume you dont want those.
He: Do we look happy?
Me: (Looking around for a hammer) Yes,we do. Very happy.
He: Ok, I want those.
Me: But not the ones of when you were young?
He: Yea, I guess those, too.
Me: Ok, I should have let it go at that as my head was pounding.
Me: So, I want to understand. You now want the photos of us, because we look happy. Is that right?
He: Yea, why wouldnt I?
And then, True, the I looked for the nearest wall.
Wow. Forget jello brain... He has a whole freakin parfait up there! Lol!!!
What's strange is that it seems often times the MLCer keeps everything loved ones give them (as Snodderly says, sometimes even the wrapping paper!)
So it's odd that he wouldn't want the stuff from your son. Then again, everything about your x is odd!
And maybe he has tried to forget how happy you were - too painful to remember.
I can't remember... Did he have a bad childhood? Would he not want any reminders of it?
Hope you didn't bang your head too much after that conversation!
~~~~~~~~~~~
And you never know what could happen in the future... I picture meeting you at your favorite diner (I know you have to have one!), me ordering breakfast no matter what time it is, you ordering your favorite thing from the menu, and us shooting the ____ for many hours.
Then of course we would need dessert! Lol! Just no jello...
The thought makes me smile
He has a whole freakin parfait up there! Lol!!!
True dat, T!What's strange is that it seems often times the MLCer keeps everything loved ones give them (as Snodderly says, sometimes even the wrapping paper!)
Yea, well, I didnt have one of those.So it's odd that he wouldn't want the stuff from your son. Then again, everything about your x is odd!
Nope, didnt want a thing. And maybe he has tried to forget how happy you were - too painful to remember.
I am not sure if he is still in the we were never happy mindset or not.
I think not, but who knows.? I can't remember... Did he have a bad childhood? Would he not want any reminders of it?
He lost his mother to cancer when he was 14. He had a great relationship with his dad and sister and by his accounts, had a great childhood.
T, You will hurt yourself trying to figure him out. And you never know what could happen in the future... I picture meeting you at your favorite diner (I know you have to have one!), me ordering breakfast no matter what time it is, you ordering your favorite thing from the menu, and us shooting the ____ for many hours.
Then of course we would need dessert! Lol! Just no jello...
The thought makes me smile
Ah, T, that thought just made my day. And you are right, you never know. I know it would be wonderful. And yes, never jello! LOL!
uRw, I just read the account of the texting convo about the photos.
Wow!
Impossible to understand.
You are soooooo patient
Hey Rh, yea, he's a nutty one. Boggled my mind that in all these years he never wanted not one picture of our son or his father who passed away or anyone else. He is still in the tunnel. Makes me sad for him.
And yes, I will say, I have a whole lot of patience.
Thanks for stopping by.
Your xh is aspecial one in a class all by himself. although i do think my sh's recent behaviour is getting there. After having invited himself to the family party for my eldest son's bday, and being told (by his sons) that he wasn't welcome, he then invited us all to a meal in a restaurant he was having for his brother and OW2 (me included)
I have never met the woman, nor she me,and i do wonder how she felt about the invitation. But as my eldest son said that anyone that can hang out with his father for very long must be strange.
He also proposed that he and I meet up again while we are both in the same part of the world (normally we all live dispersed, but he and I are coincidentally in the same city for about 10 days.)
I thanked him for the offer and declined. He really isn't someone i want to spend time with any longer. I also suggested, nicely, that he might want to think about apologising to his kids, if he really wants to get back into their lives.
I then get a reply: "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about" THEN he sets up a barrage of emails to his kids apologising for anything and everything except what he actually did. It goes in, and gets made into peanut butter
Nice. He wants the pictures of when you were happy together as a memento. Says a lot. I forgot some of the backstory: when he left did he mention he never was happy? Never loved you? You were oppressive, etc? Just curious if he found the "happiness"
Banging your head against the wall? LOL. I can see that. It's like they truly have no memory of what they did. As if it was somebody else that did those things. Like an alien right?
Peace,
AJ
Hey Aj, always a treat when you visit my thread.Nice. He wants the pictures of when you were happy together as a memento. Says a lot.
Yep, sure does. That he's nuts, LOL!I forgot some of the backstory: when he left did he mention he never was happy? Never loved you? You were oppressive, etc? Just curious if he found the "happiness"
You know, AJ, he didnt say much. He told me that he didnt want to be married anymore and that he hasnt been happy for a long time. Never said he didnt ever love me or said anything about me in a negative way. He wasnt a particularly nasty mlcer in words, but, was in actions.
She left him about two years after the affair began. And in my opinion, he never did find happiness. I dont really have any true idea as he lives 5 hours away. I do know he has not been with anyone else in the last four years. He looks terrible, a shell of a man, really.
But you are right, I dont think he really knows the depth of what he did. Clueless, really.
Um, an alien, ok, we will go with that.
Hey you ~
Was reading the 5LL's book, and thought you would like this quote -
"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving."
Though I'd give you something to ponder as you snack on some rocky road or maybe butter pecan.
Just thinking of ya
Love the quote, T. And thank you for thinking of me.
I agree that a love should grow out of choice. For a very long time I didnt feel that I had something in me worth loving. I no longer feel that way. And maybe one day, someone will choose to love me and I them.
They would have a lot to take on, though. LOL!
I'm more a swiss almond or pistacchio kind of girl.
I understand that it would be difficult to find someone who could handle your awesomeness! But I assure you, he is out there
A few months ago, I had a text session with my sis on why she can't find a good guy. Once you recover from your laughter on me dishing out R advice (it IS pretty funny!), think about this...
My sister is in her early 30's. Gorgeous (I'm serious), funny, smart, independent. She claimed men are "terrified" of her. My advice to her was that when a man enters her life who is confident but not cocky, things might just get interesting for her. And then I added something like, "Remember I said this on (date and time)".
We are all worth loving UW. And I dare say to think of this in not in terms of "even you" but more like "especially you".
And you can quote me as saying that, May 28, 2013 9:40 pm.
Thank you, T. Really. You words touch my heart.
I am open to whatever life brings and if it happens, it happens.
I am not going to lie, I have a couple of things that some men might not want to take on.
I am so blessed to have people in my life, like you, to make me feel so special. I know I am worthy, T. I do. and thank you for reminding me.
UrW,
I have never posted to you before but have been lurking out there just reading all of the wisdom all of you that have been through this have to offer.
Everyone has baggage, things you think others don't want to take on, but then there are those qualities that outshine those minor things. For you and others to take time to help the rest of us out there makes me think were not the only one that sees that.
I told that to my daughter who did not really have a boyfriend until recently. I told her that she is a great person and has so much to offer someone that when she least expects it someone was going to come into her life. We had a big crying session and probably 9 months later she met someone great and has been dating him almost a year.
So I'm looking either smart or psychic!
uR,
You are an inspiration and a blessing to those here on the forum. You've given them hope and encouragement to get through each day and yes, they will come to understand that they can get through this ordeal and come out the other side whole and survive all of it.
uR, how are you and your son doing these days? I know you've had some ups and downs recently, but I do worry about you.
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your postings.
BTW, have you thought of a new thread title? It's time to start a new one...your thread filled up very quickly...no surprise there.