http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2310612&page=1Last thread. Second verse, same as the first.
Thought I would change the subject line to "we" instead of "I" because we are all in the same boat together.
H didn't come home last night. He showed up at S's soccer game 20 minutes late and afterward left for OW's place. I was fine with that. Kids and I had a good evening. H was home at 6:15 am and started making breakfast for the kids and got them ready for school. Turns out he didn't need to make breakfast for them, because they got their breakfast ready for the morning the night before so they just needed to warm up their plates. : )
I am staying back to avoid the spew and let H parent. That doesn't mean I am ignoring my kids or not being a parent, but I will let him be "in charge" so to speak. I am documenting and observing from a distance.
Trying to think of ways to occupy my time while H takes charge of the kids. I have some books I could read and some gift cards to use and a hair appointment this weekend. Oh, and my DivorceCare class starts back up Saturday night. Looking forward to that starting up again.
Trying to keep the focus off H and his crazy ways and back to me and the kids. Any suggestions would be very helpful. Oh, and I don't have a lot of money to spend either. LOL!
Thanks everyone!
Is there ever enough money?
I just feel that once he gets the 50% he will be gone and they will be with OW. That's not good for them. That's my gut. It's not that I do not want them with their dad. He's never been around unless he "feels" like being a dad. It's gotten worse over the last two years.
And yes it's best he wants them rather than abandons them. But I don't think it's good for them to be shuffled back and forth.
Just something to say here. I'll be brief.
It isn't AS good for them to shuffle back and forth. Of course not. That's part of the collateral damage. It can be much worse. And nobody wants to be "replaced" by somebody else. I get that too. you will always be their mother. Nobody else ever can be. There will never be anyone else that takes that spot. While it is possible he will try to "dump and run" once OW is in the picture and things settle down. You can deal with that at the time. Really. It'll work out pretty easily because the kids always be paramount in the equation.
Funny how crazy brings out the parenting in your H.
AJ
Hi AJ -
Yes, in some ways he is a better parent now that he ever was. I don't expect it to last. Most of it is him trying to keep up with me. Like you said, I keep raising the bar and he keeps trying to jump over it.
But like I said I am tired of obsessing over what he does and doesn't do. When it comes down to brass tacks, OW and her kids are higher priority than our kids. He has proven that time and time again. If he wants to be with them, so be it. He is stringing our kids along because they never know if or when dad will be home.
I keep telling myself things could be worse. But I have been down lately. Waiting for the sun to shine. It seems it only shines when I am with my kids.
wishing,
You shine w/your kids as well as when you are solo. You have been doing a fantastic job w/your situation. Don't allow this crazymaking bs get you down.
I had to nod my head "yes" when I read your posting about how you raise the bar and he tries to jump over it. In his mind, he is competing w/you. Mlcers will compete on some level, but he doesn't realize you aren't into the competition, but doing what you would normally do as a mom to your children.
It's time that you start taking care of yourself and doing something special on those days your h is in charge.
Wishing,
That is actually pretty funny how this crapola has made your H a better parent! Too bad it hasn't spread into the husband department.
My H can't get away fast enough. It didn't occur to him to spend Christmas with his kids! Duh.
Heather
Thanks Snodderly and Lois. I don't expect this "better parent" thing to last. He only started stepping it up about a month ago because I figure he is worried about something. But he still prefers the company of OW to his kids. If he was able, he would have them up there with her every day. I am not fooled. H wasn't around on Christmas Eve until about 8:00 and he was gone on New Years Eve and Day. He tells me it is "difficult to balance it out" but to me there is nothing to balance out. The kids come first.
I can't wait to see what he cooks up for dinner! I should start taking wagers on what he makes for dinner on his evenings. : )
I'm guessing hot dogs and macaroni
Keep raising the bar. He won't stop trying to meet that threshold for a long time most likely. It really is a silver lining and your kids aren't fooled. But they can reap the benefits. From both of you.
I echo the sentiment. You are doing very well, even if you can't yet see it. Seriously. And somewhere deep inside, your H knows you are a great mom and a great woman. This really isn't about you no matter what he does or says. Remember that. It's important
Let me know if I got dinner nailed. I'm curious now. And wondering about fish sticks..
AJ
Fish sticks it is! Ding ding ding! Actually fish sticks, pizza rolls and waffle fries. Oh and corn on the cob. He lets the kids pick. Can you tell?
He is using his new "iPad grocery app" scanning in all the groceries and trying to find out where they are the cheapest. I reckon he's trying to prove that he's on top of his game. I should tell him to let me know if he finds a great deal on pizza rolls.
Yes he scanned in everything I bought that's in the pantry, the fridge and the freezer. Wow! That's a lot of work and so now he has it saved in his iPad. It really makes me laugh!!! How do I know all this? S told me. H told him this app will keep track of everything once I "move out" and he has to handle it all on his own! It makes me laugh that he needs an app for that!!!
Oh well pretty soon he will have OW to take care of all that for him. I just remember when I met him he had absolutely no food in his fridge. Nothing. Not even a bottle of water!! Lol!!!
Thanks for all the compliments guys. Everyone tells me how well I am doing but honestly I feel like I am flailing. I feel like a complete mess. I wish thus was over but in order to get it overwith I will need to agree to H's madness. I dont trust him or his shady lawyer. So no matter what I guess I am in this for the long haul.
I was going to say pizza rolls, but then thought maybe he would actually do some cooking for a change. LOL! What a dinner combination!
I'm w/AJ, continue to raise the bar. Eventually he'll get tired of competing and drop his silly nonsense. Right now, he's trying to prove he can do the exact same things that you are but better. Scanning the food into the iPad? Get real...he's just nuts. He really does need to get a grip and stop telling the kids about you moving out.
As for the ow, my guess is she's not going to want to eat pizza rolls and fish sticks every time the kids are around. He's just off the wall and I bet this is how he lived as a child.
Wishing, you are doing great. Keep finding the humor because it will help you deal w/the situation.
Boy oh boy is H mad. I don't know what he is mad about, but he's mad.
He woke up this morning and hopped in the shower. He was slamming and throwing stuff around. When he finished he smacked off the lights and went to get D ready for school. She was fussy and tired so she didn't want to get ready for school and she was argumentative. When she came out of her room she looked sad and I waved to her and H gave me a dirty look. When he took her downstairs for breakfast I gave her hugs and kisses and H snapped at me and told me she needed to eat breakfast. I said I can give my little girl hugs and kisses whenever I want. He said we need to get going. Apparently he was running late and it was all my fault.
I finished getting ready and H was rushing around trying to make breakfast for them. I gave her another kiss and hug and snuggle and again H said I wish you would stop coddling her and let her eat. I said she is eating (she was) so she is fine. Well, she needs to finish because we need to go. I helped S find his glasses and put the dog in his kennel in the basement. S looked really sad too. I went back upstairs and H was still stomping around and trying to rush D. I came by D to give her another kiss on the head and H stops and says how much perfume did you put on this morning. I can taste it! I almost LOL'd because I never wear perfume but decided to this morning. I said I put one small spray on. He said well, it's obnoxious. So much for kind and considerate. I said I'm sorry you feel that way and lilted off. It's funny because H BATHES in his cologne and I hardly ever wear it.
He tried to rush D out the door, but I said she is giving mommy and hug and kiss before she goes. He was mad because he was running late, but that isn't my problem. I was talking to S before he went out to the car and he told me he was upset with Dad because dad just flipped on the light to his room and said "get up" and walked out. No good morning, no hi son, nothing. I said I was sorry he had that experience but on "dad's days" I can't interfere so he needs to talk to his father about it.
H also never cleaned up his mess from dinner last night so dirty pans and food were left out all night. I could have cleaned up, I guess, but I didn't feel like it. I was tired. So he was angry this morning that there was a mess and I didn't take care of it. So hire a maid.
S has a band concert tonight and H's sister (who he is on the outs with) is coming down to watch it. This is gonna get interesting.
OMG! Poor baby had a hair up his @ss this morning, didn't he?
It's not your fault he didn't get up earlier and it sure isn't your responsibility to clean up the dishes after he made the mess last night. You are not the maid! The man has got a lot to learn and I think the fantasy of being Disney Dad is starting to wear off. LOL!
Wishing, if you can stand it, leave the dishes and see how long it takes for him to say something.
As for the perfume, mist away! He was just looking for something to lash out at you about. What an @ss.
Enjoy the rest of your day! You've got to find the humor in this situation!
Oh I am, Snodderly. It isn't my fault he is behind schedule. It isn't my fault he can't manage time. It isn't my fault he dilly-dallied in the shower.
Oh, I am not cleaning up anything. That's his joy to take care of. In fact, D needed a new binder for school and H told me that he thought he had one. I went down in our library to look for one and found one he used back in 2004. He took the papers out of it and I moved all her stuff into the new binder. I asked him if he needed those papers and he said he would go through them and keep the tabs. This morning the papers were still on the counter. He says I thought you were going to take care of those papers? I said no. Those are your papers and I don't know where you want them. You can put them away. Of course that made him mad as well. : )
It's rich how he can be snarky and verbally abusive to me but turns it around to make it out that I am the one causing the tension.
It is Infuriorating that they act immature and hostile and then blame you. If I don't check myself that can really get me going.
I imagine my h telling his buddies was a beetcch I am because I don't clean up after him or fill out the d paper work for him.
U r something girl! Man did u handle that ick well! Seriously, that morning stuff was incredibly inspiring. Despite his toddler behavior and horrible tension, u still managed to b the adult And b there for ur kids. I know how hard that is, especially considering the last week! WOW.
Think abt the example he set for the kids vs u. They are watching an awesome mom handle a very difficult sitch with maturity. Now take a bubble bath-
Much love,
Heather
I wish I could take a bubble bath with some wine. LOL! But I am at work so I will do that tonight after S's band concert.
I just had a counseling meeting and my counselor said he is impressed with how I am handling it. Now don't be thinking I am strong as nails. I cry almost every day now. This is stressful and I don't really understand why I am going through this. I still get caught up in the "unfairness" of it all. I second guess myself all the time. I didn't make this mess yet I am cleaning it up.
I have been doing a lot of research on narcissistic behavior and personalities. I am not trying to diagnose H and "fix" him, I am trying to come up with methods for protecting myself and my kids and healing myself from this "abuse".
wishing,
It's okay to cry. I think you do it out of frustration, as well as hurt and disappointment. Crying is a way of cleansing the wound, so to speak. I do think that after each bout of crying and anger, you are getting stronger.
We all have felt the same you that you do...it's not fair and yes, we are the ones cleaning up their d@mn mess that they left behind. But, look at it this way, once you've cleaned it up and you are living your life to the fullest, your life will be good again and you can determine just how you want to live your life and help your children live theirs.
I'm glad to see you are doing research on the various personalities. It may help you along the way.
...Then you may want to look at how to deal with BPD, BiPolar, obsessive/compulsive, and passive/aggressive people. Oh, and obnoxious ones as long as you're there
You should not be cleaning up this mess. You have enough stress and should let that one go off your plate. Think of this as that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 where they are outrunning the black pearl - they are casting everything not needed overboard as fast as they can - then realize too late they sent the cannonballs overboard. I don't recommend sending the ammo overboard, but even if you do, you'll make it just fine.
And of course you are not strong as nails. Nor should you be. Crying every day? Heck, I've done that. I'm a former Marine. I have walked through h@ll and back before, during and after with other areas of my life. I'm a guy. I don't get to cry in public without people thinking I'm whacked or weak if I were to conform to social norms. I'm not very good with rules though. I can follow them, but prefer not to
Sadness. Been there, done that. I have never taken a bubble bath filled with wine. I've always used hot water. To each their own
You're still processing. Don't be afraid to have those feelings. Be afraid to have no feelings. Be worried when you are done with these feelings so that you don't get angry and wish him harm. That would be the gravest of tragedies compared to what is happening now. Aside from the impact to the kids.
The reality is you cannot stop him. You cannot control him. You can only protect your kids from serious harm. Not perceived harm or emotional harm as much. You can also have a good laugh from time to time. You can know that you are doing things to the best of your ability. When he walks away, and trust me he will be looking for a way when he realizes he can't make you leave voluntarily and the judge won't side with him, you need to know you did everything you could for you. That you were gracious, kind, compassionate, and smelled great
So the question becomes, how can you deal with the reality in the best possible way for you and your kids? Will worrying about tomorrow help? Will stocking the fridge with fish sticks help? M&M's? Broccoli? Will worrying about a messy house? Will worrying about anything help?
Not really. This isn't about you so it's out of your control. That's the part that's unfair, right? You do everything right (or at least, to the best of your ability) and your spouse runs off with twinkly tw@t or whatever. They lie, cheat, steal, and generally try really hard to manipulate you into thinking it's your fault and you should leave for being such a scumbag.
So step back a bit, and realize you'll be the one left standing. He'll be the one on his knees when all is said and done. You're the one that the kids will come to when they are tired of having a playmate. When dad loses the ability to stay interested for a few years, or when his anger gets to be too much. My kids know the anger from their mother. They tip-toe around. They have adjusted to the new norm just fine in that regard. Is it sad? Yes. Can I change it? Nope. Are my kids going to be ok inside and out? My son is. Not too sure about my daughter yet - time will tell. The D is the one she became a playmate with (reversal if you're wondering). But I'm the lucky one to be honest. It hurt like nothing before or since. It's maddening to have somebody still trying to stir up drama and anger this long after everything is said and done. But I'm the lucky one and I'm the one standing and my kids are fine.
All in all? Life is good. The situation su@ks, and it doesn't feel good, but life really is good!
It'll all work out in the end. Don't spoil the ending by reading ahead or worrying about it. It'll be a surprise you will really like when it gets here. I promise. It's up ahead...
AJ
Wishing, let it out! It's better out than in. I always feel better after I cry. I was crying daily too for about 8 mos. Now it comes and goes.
U r doing GREAT!
Heather
P.S. I believe, considering all the stress u r under, whatever works to help u get thru the day is awesome. If its standing on ur head, go for it!!
So another spew. H was angry that I signed S's assignment notebook and it was his day. I said who cares who signs it as long as it gets signed? (S gets docked if his agenda isn't signed). He made a huge production about it and called me a POS in front of my daughter. It was not loud but the intent was there none the less.
Apparently on his days I am to have no contact whatsoever with the kids. Bull! He is a real jerk. It was all I could do to keep a civil tongue in my head. So I am trying to breathe. And relax. I don't know what this guy is capable of. He is freaked out like a caged animal.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Mantras?
Great post AJ!
Wishing, my mantra I say all the time... "So glad I'm not him!"
When I'm having a particularly bad day, I also think, I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone else. We may have our own hurt and pain to work through, but at least we have a clear conscience.
They make such a mess of their lives, I can't even begin to imagine that clean up!
Hang in there, don't let Mr. Pizza Rolls drag you down with him.
You are the stronger person, don't ever forget it
Distance yourself from it. Let some things drop to the ground. In cases where it involves the children coming to you, don't back down. He'll have to get over it. Proximity is important - your kids will come to you if you are around. You'll go to them if you are around.
He'll have to get over it. You're their mom and that's how life is.
Remember this. He wants to find SOMETHING to be angry about. He is looking for that damning piece of evidence where he can say, "AHA!" and have the cops come and throw you out of his life so he is no longer made miserable by the monster he married.
What he doesn't yet understand, and may never, is that you aren't a monster. You are a kind, loving, wife and mother. In the absence of being able to be a wife, you will have more energy to put towards being a mother. To boot, the kids will also get a more attentive dad (for however long). Lucky kids! There will be some chafing, but if you ask me having a mother to attend to her kids is a high-class problem to have. My kids didn't have that for many years
If he is going to hate you and be angry at you, the very least that will come out of your behavior is respect for you and your parenting. He won't say it now, but he knows it.
Do what a mom needs to do and let him deal with himself. I know it will make him think he has a chance to pick a fight with you, but I suggest when he talks down to you in front of your kids, that you calmly, and firmly let him know that is inappropriate. And walk away. Your kids need to see that and they need to see it without a big conflict on your part.
To an outsider he'll appear as he is - a flipped out nut when you do that. Let him deal with that.
Some things will fall to the ground while he learns to juggle everything. He is capable if not far behind the curve and whacked out emotionally and mentally. But he is capable. Let him. It'll take some getting used to and he'll try to assert boundaries of some sort, but as I mentioned above, you need to be firm and calm and consistent (kind of like with a child, right?) when you let him know it's inappropriate. Then immediately walk away. It'll take a few times, but it let's him know you aren't to be messed with, it shows your kids you are an adult and gracious (and smell nice), sets a good example for your kids for their future relationships, and it gives him an opportunity to look elsewhere.
Helps if you smile as you walk away.
I described my time doing that as being like raising a third teenager. It was tiring, but it can and needs to be done.
Long after everything stops being like this, he'll remember and respect you for it. Oh, he won't tell you that, but he'll know. More importantly, and this is critical, your kids will know and will have a good example of how to deal with people that treat them poorly. They learn things from their parents and you have the gift of being able to show them. Take advantage of it before any more time goes by. And don't let his anger and craziness be an excuse to not parent your kids. I never let mine, although I would listen to her input (and there was a time we could discuss things) and I'm incredibly glad and thankful I never did.
There was actually a time early on, where I realized it was a choice I had to make. Before she was overt. I knew I had to stick to choices with the kids for the kids sake. It is a tough position at first, but later you realize what a blessing it truly is that the sane parent was able to teach their kids even if the teaching example was the other parent
Peace,
AJ
Wow AJ. That's a lot to process. I'm just keeping the smile on my face and letting him do his thing.
I'm exhausted! This is hard. I've never done anything this hard in my life. It's gonna be a long weekend. He's just gonna be ugly because he cant run off to OW.
Oh and tonight's dinner was smoked sausage and corn on the cob. Little bit better huh?
Oh and dirty dishes are sitting in soapy greasy water in the sink. Who is gonna wash them? Not me!!! Lol!!
So H's night to put the kids to bed. I make sure S takes a shower because he had soccer practice tonight. I make sure he brushes his teeth. Am I rescuing? I don't think so I am parenting and there is a difference.
D comes into my room after H has put her to bed because she is scared. Notice she does not go to H she comes to me and wants to be with me. H didn't even know she got out of bed!!! So I am snuggling with her in her bed so she can get some sleep.
That's what parents do.
Another morning sigh. Praying for peace. Three more days until he is gone. I don't know how I am going to do this. Praying for tenacity too!!
H was not so nasty this morning. He even let me interact with the kids. Lol!
Praying for better days too!
Hopefully the three days will be peaceful for you and your children.
I hope that you are able to get some much needed peace and quiet soon.
You are sooo awesome. Do something for you this weekend. Just keep your side of the street clean. You can do this! You have so far and you don't have to be perfect. I always try to remember that my worst day with the kids is sometimes still way better than a good day with H. Easy does it.
Much Love,
Heather
I'm exhausted! This is hard. I've never done anything this hard in my life. It's gonna be a long weekend. He's just gonna be ugly because he cant run off to OW.
Um.. yeah. You've never been married to somebody this long, trusted them so deeply, or been hurt so much and then vilified? Married to somebody who suddenly wants to get you out of your house, treat you like a monster, and bring in the next shiny object because they are not happy with their life?
Sheesh. What's wrong with you, girl?
It is hard. It is tiring. It is you that holds the key to that. You can choose to stop paying such close attention. There are consequences, but you can see how tiring it will be, right?
Relax. Breathe. Step back, and see the bigger picture as much as you can.
It gets better. Giddy on some days, but that's just the relief creeping in and the sanity on the way out
AJ
I hate this "his day my day" stuff. I feel like less than a mother when I can't do things with my kids or take them whenever I want. I am not used to it because H has never been around.
After talking to the attorney i discover one of the reasons my attorney did not want me to sign the mediation papers is that his attorney was using that as a strategy for getting out of the house. I asked how that was possible and my attorney told me the use the argument that the parties have already agreed on placement for when they live apart why can't that start now? My attorney is so wise. No wonder he is so expensive. Lol!
I have been purusing the web looking for places for me after this is over. It is scary thinking about moving. See I am not worried about living on my own once I get there it's the physical task of moving web setting up shop so to speak. I guess I should change my mindset to look forward to it as something I will have complete control over right? I can't paint walls any color I want. I can put furniture anywhere I want. I can put a nail in any wall anywhere I want. Pinch me I'm dreaming! Lol!
I should take one moment at a time. But I often fast forward into the future. It's the worrier in me. What? Me worry?
Read Aj's post above anytime you begin to beat urself up over any of this. Kowabunga!
WH, I don't see looking ahead as a worrying trait in this case. That's a very healthy way to look at things, really. Just try not to fantasize about it too much yet
Believe me when I tell you, before it's over, you'll be very glad to either move or have him move. I can tell you, I didn't move. It was very hard to work through the "ghosts" in the house. I didn't move because a)I'm not the one that wanted out and b) my kids needed the house for their stability and I knew she couldn't keep it. I almost sold it though. I'm very glad I did not, but I won't lie, it was tough for a long time to come home to that house. It contributed to wanting to "run away" from it all. Funny thing is, my ex and her new husband live three blocks away. She left (2x), forced me to put it on the market, and then is angry at me for her not having it. But I stand by my decision 100%. My kids needed that part of their lives to be stable.
But once I got over that, I really do like the house much better. As much as you can like a house that big when it's just you and a cat. I actually had a friend and his family move in as well. That helped and worked out very well. It was a good reminder that no matter how things are in my own life, I always have enough to help others and I always should give what I can. It's part of who I am.
My guess is, for monetary reasons, you'll be the one to leave. But I think it'll be a great thing for you and your kids. It'll be a fresh start. And it'll make it easier to get past the emotional trauma he is trying to inflict without worrying he'll put sardines in the drapes or something silly on his way out
AJ
Thanks AJ. Yes I will be the one to move out because I can't afford this house and even if I could I really don't want the maintenance on this place.
H did not like the changes my attorney and I made to the parenting agreement so he decided to terminate mediation. Well here it goes. Let the games begin I guess.
S told me H is taking the kids out of town this weekend tovistat his mom and family. I am sure this is his "revenge" for me taking the kids to visit my family. Whatever. Nice for him to tell me his plans. I have to hear about it through the kids.
Yes and he went to the grocery store tonight with D. He bought more fish sticks, toaster waffles and cereal. Chocolate Lucky Charms to be specific. Yuk! So much for buying fruit and veggies. But that's why I'm here.
Met friends for drinks tonight. It was nice to get out. I guess I need to make plans to fill my weekend. I'll come up with something. I'm resourceful like that.
I'm quite certain you are resourceful like that
H did not like the changes my attorney and I made to the parenting agreement so he decided to terminate mediation. Well here it goes. Let the games begin I guess.
S told me H is taking the kids out of town this weekend tovistat his mom and family. I am sure this is his "revenge" for me taking the kids to visit my family. Whatever. Nice for him to tell me his plans. I have to hear about it through the kids.
Can I just tell you something? It's not over until it's over. My ex dragged it out for over a year. I made her be the one to write the sep agreement and file for divorce. Although I was very ready to file by the time that year waiting was over. What I learned, or rather re-learned about negotiations is that it is never over until it's over. She fought for the strangest things until the very end. Then suddenly stopped and acquiesced. I gave on a few things and added a few for my and the kids protection, but for the most part let her run the whole thing.
As for the visit? Revenge? Or just trying to keep up with you?
As for him telling you? He's going to antagonize you as much as he can. Try to be flexible enough to protect the kids in that regard. Don't let them get in the middle and he'll tire out. You can't see everything, but watch for that. Many will try to use the kids as a type of pawn to lash out at their spouse. I suspect your H will and I'm suggesting that you position things in such a way that he can't do it effectively. Know what I mean?
Once that's taken care of, the rest is easy. It really is. It's not pleasant, but the only real concern here is the kids at this point. And you of course. Don't forget that as well because you will be tempted to walk away with less to just get away. That time will come. And that is exactly what his lawyer wants from you. To give up and leave things that are rightfully yours on the table.
You lessen your bargaining power if you cave in. The first one to cave loses that leverage. That's negotiating. But as long as you don't cave in and don't lose focus on the kids well-being, you'll be better than alright. He doesn't have the ability to be as patient. He is under too much pressure. More pressure than you are, if you can believe that
He is bargaining from a weak position and his ONLY hope of getting what he "wants" (not what he deserves by law) is to pressure you as much as possible.
You're not the type to run though. I can see that. So buckle up, be patient, and make the best of it. It'll all work out later and you'll be glad you did it that way. You would otherwise have the rest of your life to regret walking away early, or so I've been told. I believe that...
Enjoy the time out and the peace that comes with it! Rest when you can
Peace,
AJ
Thanks AJ. No, I'm not the type to just walk away. I'm a fighter. There have been moments when I thought I can't do this anymore I just want to run away. But I back up, regroup, cry, scream, talk and work through it. I do come out stronger and more tenatious if that's even possible!
And you're right, it's not for revenge, it's to "keep up". So now I need to think of better things to do for my kids. Healthier food is one thing I am focusing on for sure. Lol!
H asked me if I would do D's hair for her dance class tomorrow and I said I would love to. H also picked up some diet pepsi for me while I was at the store. Okay, I wonder what he wants?
wishing,
AJ has given you excellent advice. Your h is really trying to keep up w/you. In a way, you should be flattered that he's actually trying to match you step by step because it tells me that you are an excellent mother.
As for his grocery shopping, at least he's doing some shopping. The food might not be what you would put on the table every day, but at least he's not taking them to fast food places all of the time. You can counter balance that w/your healthy foods, which I know you do.
I've seen far too many mlc spouses attempt to wear the lbs down just to get what they want. They will pull every trick out of the hat and try it on you. You are a fighter and he knows that he's got to come up w/a lot of tricks to get one over on you. He's beginning to see that you are in for the long haul because you aren't allowing him to see you sweat.
I'm glad he asked you to fix your D's hair. That's a step in the right direction. As for picking up the diet pepsi, it may have been his way of thanking you for saying you'd do her hair. Mlcers have a terrible time expressing appreciation, so they revert back to bartering from their childhood. They don't know how to express the one true emotion of kindness to us when they are in mlc and bartering tends to help them bridge the gap w/us at times.
Enjoy your weekend!
Yes H was really nice today. He watched me do D's hair so he knew how to do it in the future. It's not rocket science but we will see how he does in two weeks when it's his turn again.
He bought the Diet Pepsi before I came home last night and before he asked me to do her hair. So I don't know why he is softening me up? Not gonna spend too much time thinking about it.
H and the kids are gone now. I miss the kids already. They will be back tomorrow but I hate being away from them. I need to let go but it's hard. I even helped H pack for D. I am trying to encourage them going off with dad and not focus on how much I miss them.
So gonna finish my laundry then head to the store and pick up a craft. Maybe change a few lightbulbs, buy some wine, then head to divorce care. I gotta keep moving. If I sit around I will just start to feel sorry for myself.
Wishing,
Try to enjoy your time this weekend. I know it's difficult when the children are gone, but they'll be back before you know it.
Hopefully they will have had a nice time w/their father. I'm sure they will tell you all about it upon their return.
Enjoy your free time.
Pretty good day today.
D had dance practice then home to pack for the trip with daddy. They left late afternoon. After they left I took the initiative to finish and put away laundry and change a few light bulbs. Two in the ceiling fan so yay me!! Lol!
Did some shopping and before I knew it it was an hour from my divorce care class. Busted butt to get home put away the groceries that I could and scrambled off to class. We all had dinner afterward and I came home and started working on a necklace for my mom. I started getting frustrated when it did not go my way and before I knew it was two hours later. I'm beat!
Tomorrow try to finish the necklace and maybe make a bracelet or earrings to match. I need to get some blood work done my doctor ordered so maybe go into the lab tomorrow. Do some reading too.
Man I miss those kids. House feels so empty. Dog does not know what to do! Lol.
Glad your day was OK. Those kids will be back--hope you take some time for yourself. :-)
Much Love,
Heather
Hey Heather thanks much.
Just finished the necklace and one earring. Had to start over with the necklace because the clasp wasn't secure and the blessed thing spilled beads all over the floor. I wasn't too happy with it anyway so I figure that's God's way of telling me I can do better. I'm exhausted now but trying to unwind with a glass if wine.
Looking forward to a good nights sleep!
Sounds like you had a busy day. Hopefully you will find some time to take care of you. Get your bloodwork completed so that you don't have to worry about it later. Your health is the most important thing that you need to take care of right now.
As for the children, they'll return before you know it w/plenty to tell you of their adventures w/dad.
Take care.
So I stayed up too late finishing the necklace and finished one earring. I did not wake up until about a half hour ago! Lol!
Too late to get the blood work done because the clinic is closed now. Not sure if I want to read or finish the earrings? I'm not feeling ambitious enough for both! Lol!
I hope the kids are home sooner than later. I really miss them.
wishing,
Your body was telling you that you needed the nap. I'm glad that you took the nap. It will refresh your mind and spirit just in time for the children to return home.
As for the blood work, please don't put that off for very long. It's important to get that taken care of.
Thanks Snodderly. Finished the jewelry for my mom. Watching "Hope Floats" and it's hitting a little too close to home!! Only wishing Harry Connick Jr would take me fishing! Lol!
Hoping H doesn't keep the kids gone too much longer. I'm starting to worry but that's just my nature.
Hope things are going well. I'm assuming everyone is home again. Glad you had some time to rest before the beast returned. :-)
Can't wait to hear from u, probably via the kids, all the weird things he did. Bcuz I'm sure he did some cuckoo stuff!!
Heather
Hey there everyone.
H did not get back until about 7:30 or so. I miss those kids so much. Of course it is still "his day" so he is putting D to bed. This really stinks. I miss snuggling with her. I don't want to have to wait until "my day" to take care of my kids. There I go again focusing on the unfairness of it all.
H has the air that he is the primary parent and that I am the one with "visitation". It just infuriates me. I know I am making it more than it is, but that's how I feel right now and I need to get it out. I know it's worse on the kids for him not to be around but right now I feel suffocated.
Sorry but that's how I feel. I am not giving up and I am not quitting, but it's been 5 days since I've been able to put my little girl to bed and its starting to get on my nerves! Lol!
So I go in to kiss D after H leaves her room (he snatched the monitor out of my room as well which I told him I am taking back tomorrow). H tells me to leave her alone she's restless. I said she is fine and I can kiss her goodnight. He said you already did. I said I can check on her and kiss her as much as I want. He calls me a "Stupid f'b b####." Wow! Angry much??? Lol!
I just laughed and said oh is that what I am? I went and tucked in S and kissed him and went back to my room.
He is mad. Mad, mad mad. And honestly I am not sure what he is mad about! Sometimes I wonder if he knows what he is mad about too!
Then you should tell him that. When he starts being THAT disrespectful to you, then you tell him that you don't understand why he's angry but that you're not the cause of it and that you WILL be treated and talked to with respect and he can leave.
Thanks Mr. Bond.
I wish he would leave but that's not going to happen. He is trying to wear me down to get me to leave and honestly I don't know how much more emotional and verbal abuse I can take? It's not good for my kids to see me treated this way. It's not healthy for me to be in this environment. So do I continue to be abused? Do I leave? I have no where to go and I certainly am not going anywhere without my kids. But seriously he is pushing me out and treating me like garbage and honestly how much can anyone tolerate that?
I know I need to outlast him and outsmart him. But I keep praying for whatever I can pray for. I feel like he's trying to take my kids away from me for the ultimate punishment.
Wishing,
I'm sorry he came home late. But I do tend to agree w/Mr. Bond. When your h disrespects you, you need to say in a very calm voice "h, I do not know why you are angry and taking your frustrations out on me, but I do not deserve to be treated this way." Then walk away. Don't address anything else w/him, i.e., cut the conversation short. But you have to do it in a very calm manner.
I'm sure you are happy to have the children home once again.
Just remember, what he wants is to hurt you--and that's because HE feels so sh!tty. This man hasn't shown any indication that he wants the REALITY of parenting and your Judge didn't sound dumb enough to fall for the act.
YOu're doing great! Keep being the grown up!
:-)
Heather
Thanks everyone. Things were relatively calm this morning. I was strangely calm. I don't remember ever being that calm. H kept an eye on every move I made. It was really weird. He didn't start any arguments and kept his distance. I am hoping he will be gone tonight. I believe he will because he hasn't seen OW in 5 days. She must be really chomping at the bit.
I started thinking about everything and realizing H is trying to please everyone (except me, obviously). He has to make OW happy, her family happy, his boss and co-workers happy, his family happy (those that are still speaking to him) and on top of it he has to be super dad. Plus he is absolutely miserable on top of it all! He isn't sleeping well either. I only know that because last night I couldn't sleep and I heard H up about 4 times during the night and I noticed he had the TV on all night as well. It's not like me to not sleep well. I usually sleep like a rock. But H has always been a restless sleeper. It's like his mind would never turn off and allow him to rest.
Focusing on me and my kids for the next two days. H will have "his days" again on Wed and Thurs then it's my weekend. Looking forward to it. I love the time I have with my kids.
wishing,
Not being able to sleep is a symptom of depression/mlc. The demons are visiting him in his sleep and there's no way he can shut his mind off. He's a miserable chap and doesn't know how to make himself happy.
You are doing the right thing by focusing on your kids. Enjoy them while you can because they grow up fast.
WH, I can attest to what snodderly is saying. In the earlier days of my MLC'r, she wasn't sleeping well. She couldn't sit still, always jumpy. She had stomach issues. Basically guilt and conflict issues looking back. The depression is there. They are out of harmony with their actions/words/thoughts/feelings. Not to sound all new-agey, but that's a good way to describe it.
He's miserable and feels like he cannot win. Ironically, the one person that would help him, you, he won't allow. To be honest, he won't allow anyone to help if they could. He is in his own prison and has the key.
Try to keep yourself healthy and rested. You can't both be like that, else it's incredibly toxic. More so
AJ
Thanks everyone. I usually don't have problems sleeping. I don't know what was up last night? Just keyed up I guess or else I slept too long Saturday night! LOL!
Funny thing, I haven't been sick at all since the bomb drop. Maybe a sniffle or two, but otherwise I haven't really even had a cold. It's like my immune system is on overdrive. On the other hand I think H has been sick more than he has been healthy. Of course, maybe he is just trying to act on my sympathy. But he's had a constant cold or stomach ache for the last year or better.
And yes, he cannot sit still. He is uncomfortable no matter where he is. He paces and has to keep constantly moving. He can't just sit down and relax.
I am hoping he hasn't passed his cold crap onto S. He woke up sick yesterday morning while he was away. Now it's up to me to get him healthy again. H asked him if he wanted some nasal spray to which I almost shouted out "NO" because he is too young for that stuff, but S said he didn't want any. I need to stay on top of things for the kids' sake.
wishing,
The mlcer tends to have all kinds of ailments and yes, they are sick a lot of the time. Between the depression, guilt and trying to burn the candles at both ends and thinking they can be 10 again, well...it's to be expected.
As for your little one w/the cold...stay on top of that! We are experiencing some serious cold issues in my area that are actually flu like symptoms. Starts out w/a headache, sniffles and then turns into full blown flu.
Take care of yourself
They tend to have not only real ailments, but imagined ailments as well. Stress is a b*tch. Oddly, he holds the key to the stress, but in a way, it's why he is blaming you for all that bothers him. He can't sleep, he's conflicted, and he can't see "why". So it must be....you. See how that works? They will then set about trying to "prove" to the world (themselves?) that this is true. That doesn't stop until they figure themselves out. I still have dealings with ex where she tries to do that. Very hard.
We, in turn, tend to contort ourselves into almost teflon like beings trying to get them to "see" what they are doing. That it's not us. That won't work (see above). Along the way, they wear themselves out and do get sick a lot, have stomach pains, headaches, etc. Depression contributes to that heavily and you'll see similar in depressive people.
It's how they are trying to "figure" things out. How they are trying to cope. Silly when you look at it from the outside. Heartwrenching when you are bearing the brunt of it. Unfathomable when you are living it yourself I would imagine.
Stay healthy, WH. You need to let go of the stress and stay healthy as much as you can. Seriously.
AJ
Thanks everyone.
Peaceful night. Of course, no surprise, H didn't come home. And I did NOT miss him. I got to take care of my babies all by myself. We relaxed and laughed and this morning I let them sleep in a bit and I took them to school myself instead of having them ride the bus. It's a nice treat for them once in a while and now that H has Wednesdays and Thursdays, I can work later or go in earlier those days to make up the time. Might as well use some of his "good dad" parenting to my advantage, even though I would rather be with my kids.
Tonight S has a soccer game. That is, if he is feeling well enough. He was pretty stuffed up yesterday and I gave him some medicine. This morning he said his nose felt better, but his throat was really sore. I gave him some stuff for that and told him to take it easy and see if it felt better as the day passed. I told him if it didn't feel better or started to feel worse to go to the health room and call me. I don't need him getting this nasty flu that is going around.
And talking to my mom yesterday and this morning she wasn't feeling well and just didn't sound like herself. I asked my brothers to check on her which will make her mad but I don't care. Better her be mad than in the hospital. I wish I could move back home to be closer to her with my kids, but I can't move with my kids without H's permission and he will never give me that. The last thing I need is for something to happen to my mom. She has been my rock.
So mom is fine, but I am feeling under the weather. S is not playing in his soccer game tonight because he is battling stuff. D is healthy as a horse for now. As for H, well, I won't go there.
So D tells me daddy promised her a big girl bed if she slept in her own bed every night. He told her he already has it. I don't know if that's a lie or if he has gotten one from a "friend" or other family member. Not going to give it any more energy than it's worth. It is what it is. For a minute I started to feel bad, but why should I? I am just as capable of getting her an awesome bed when I am on my own as he is. I'm just not gonna get her hopes up about it until it actually happens.
I am just worn out and cranky. H was put out when I called him to tell him S was not playing. In fact he said, "well I guess that's his decision". Well, actually, genius, we are the parents and WE make the decision. But of course I didn't argue with him. There is no point.
God give me strength!!!
One more thought... How come on "my days" I don't mind if the kids hang out and spend time with H but on "his days" he does everything to keep D and S from me?
Just an observation. It really gets on my nerves.
I hope your S is feeling better soon. Maybe your H is trying to prepare for when he has them without you there? Kind of like a "trial run"? He could be worried about the kids wanting you on his days when he has them alone?
wishing,
I'm glad your mom is okay, but sorry to hear that you and your son are a bit under the weather. I hope you aren't getting the bug that is going around.
As for promising your d a new bed, your h is definitely trying to bribe her and I hope he's got the bed because if he doesn't, that is going to be one upset/disappointed little girl. I know you'll do it the right way because you know, as an adult, that promises have a way of falling through the cracks sometimes.
As for the way your h behaves when you have the children, it's called competition. He sees that you have a really great relationship w/them and he's jealous and envious of that as well as rattling your cage so that you'll say something. Try not to allow his behavior to get on your nerves.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hi Wishing,
Haven't read your whole story, just this thread and all the focus on the little stuff that is magnified 100 times because you are under the same roof with your H. I can tell you that you will experience so much peace when he is out or you are out whatever the case may be.
You will stop focusing on some of this little stuff and some other things will come into focus that will be frustrating also but will fade with time. Your H will continue to be angry once you guys are apart, he will continue to blame you and behave like a child for things you have nothing to do with you. It will take him a very long time to stop blaming you. Your job is to get out of the way, to become a black hole in his life, it is better for you and for your kids.
You will move along your journey much faster than he will move along his. At first it seems as though you are holding onto your past together and that the MLCer has totally let it go and wants nothing to do with the past or re-writes the past to justify their actions now. It is not until they are totally free of you that they start to remember the past for what it was, the sad thing is that we have already let go of the past or better yet put it into perspective by the time our MLCer's start to remember.
I hope you discover that PEACE when you guys are apart, it will come with some sadness at times but you know by now that those times come and go. I hope that when the peace comes that you will really focus on YOU and YOUR life and YOUR kids that is when you really start to move forward on your journey.
Cheers
Thanks everyone.
H was in a cranky mood this morning, but of course, when isn't he? D was really tired this morning and of course, it's all my fault because I should have put her to bed earlier. Okay. Sure.
He was all over the place. Me making them breakfast in the morning has him just befuddled. He does it, but he doesn't want to. LOL! I wonder what else I can do to raise the bar? Give me time. I'll think of something.
S said his nose isn't as stuffy, but his throat really hurts when he coughs. Not sure if it is morning crud or something more serious, so I told him to monitor it and let me know how he feels when he gets home. H had him using nasal spray decongestant which I am iffy about. S seems too young to use that. I am calling the doctor today to get his thoughts. H said it is fine, but of course he gave our S aspirin too and was offended when I told him that was unacceptable.
H's sister wants me and the kids to visit her this weekend. That will be nice. I am sure it will make H angry, but that's his problem, not mine.
I think it's nice that your SIL has invited you and the children to visit her this weekend. A very nice little trip and one that your h can't complain about too much since it is his family. Go and have a wonderful time, if you and the children are feeling up to it.
Wishing,
Take care of yourself. D18 just got over that flu and we were in the emergency room and she was so miserable. I felt a bit of it, but started resting more and drinking lots of fluids and it didn't seem to hit full on.
That's so nice your SIL invited you. Having that support has to feel good. My H's family has decided I am Satan and the reason for ALL of H's problems. It's got to make it easier for your kids. My kids hate seeing anyone from H's family now because of their criticism and harsh words about me.
I hope he doesn't give you too much trouble about going. Maybe he will surprise you?
What was H like before all this?
Hang in, you are doing awesome!!
Heather
I honestly thought I could get through a week without things getting ugly, but I was wrong.
Had an ugly night with H tonight. Since this is his night he made dinner and was to get the kids around to bed. D had a meltdown on him and didn't want him she wanted me. She clung to me and was crying and hysterical. I tried to calmly explain that daddy was going to help her with her pajamas and read her a story. Still she clung to me. I said to H can't we just both help her since she is so upset? On my nights if she wants daddy I am more than willing to let her be with him. He said no, the kids need to get used to this. I told him it was cruel and I couldn't just walk away from my daughter when she is crying hysterically and begging for me. He told me in front of her to get out which made her cry harder. I told her I was going downstairs to fix her reindeer ornament that ripped and when I went downstairs she cried harder. I came back up to give her the ornament and he slammed the door in my face. I opened it and told him never to do that again. He tried to push me out of the room and slam the door in my face again. And again I came back in. D was hysterical by this time. I hand her the ornament and walk away. Joe finally says okay, mom can help. She comes running to me and clings to me. I told her mommy will help you with your jammies and then daddy will read you a story. She said okay. As she walked by, H grabbed me by my shoulders and told me to stop making bad situations for the kids. I told him to never ever touch me again and that he is the one who created the situation, not me.
So H creates these scenarios and then says I am causing the chaos. I came downstairs by S who said are you okay mom? I heard dad yelling. I told him I was fine but that dad upset me. S said he knew why and asked if he should write about it in his journal and I told him to go ahead.
Then H comes in after the kids are in bed and tells me I am interfering. I tell him I am not but I was trying to be gentle and not just walk away coldly. He stands there and preaches to me about how the kids need consistantcy and normalcy and all I can think of is that is rich coming from you.
Again trying to get me into the crazy. He is crazy. Bat schiiittt crazy!! I will not go gentle into that good night thank you very much.
wishing,
Please document what happened. Did he put a bruise on your arm/shoulder? If so, take a photo of it. I am so sorry he's acting like a complete and utter @ss. This is so not right. He can't stand the fact that you can do things properly and as a mother, your children want you to nuture them. He doesn't understand that he's the problem and that his children are not inclined to want him around them when he's acting out. He doesn't have one nuturing bone in his body and it's all about him and what he wants.
I admire you for stepping in and not backing down. He's angry because he can't control and/or manipulate you or the situation. Projection at its finest and yet, he's the one that's creating all of the ruckus.
I hope today is a better day for you and your children.
Thanks Snodderly.
No, I don't think I have a bruise. He grabbed me firmly, but it didnt hurt. Kind of like how a parent would grab an errant child.
He said it was my fault for pushing the door back open after he closed it. He tried to physically keep me out. Don't ever try to keep a mother from her kids. Ever. H is very strong and towers over me and has about 100 pounds on me. Yet I was able to push that door back open even though he was blocking it.
Yes and after that scene has the nerve to come into my room and tell m it was my fault. I refuse to accept responsibility for that. And I told him so. He said I need to give him an opportunity to diffuse the situation. I said I did and you made it worse. Of course he told me I was "feeding into it". I told him that I will never ever walk away from my kids. Ever. I said this is a sensitive situation and needs to be gradual. Not abrupt.
He told me this will never happen again. Dam right it won't.
Wishing,
You are so brave. I know how hard that is to defend your kids when your H is acting like a beast. The easier thing is to step back and allow the beast to have his way. You did such a good job protecting your children. I hope you know that.
Your H seems to be spinning out of control like a whirling dirvish. Let him spin, but call the police if he threatens to hurt you verbally or grabs you again. In Ohio, domestic violence laws are very strict and he WILL be arrested if he makes any verbal threats to physically harm you and/or lays a finger on you. The judge is aware of the situation at home and HAS to see, unless he's a complete idiot, how volatile your H is.
I suggest calling your attorney today and letting him know exactly what happened. If it happens again, you have some back up.
He definitely sounds like a true "Father Knows Best!!" ha ha.
Much Love,
Heather
Thanks Heather. I did email my attorney last night and I recorded my daughter's outbursts. I have no regrets of what I did last night but I know H is freaking out about it. I don't know if I scared him or what, but this morning D was still wanting me and refusing to get dressed and he asked me to come help. And I did. I did not interfere, but I assisted. He was overly nice, but I could tell he was shaken up.
I don't feel brave, but I had to do what I had to do. For a moment after I opened the door to D's room I thought he was going to hit me. Instead he slammed the door in my face. I already have it court documented that he has done this type of thing to me before. He's heading down that road to domestic violence and he knows it. I slept fine last night. Normally I would be replaying the scenario over and over in my mind and worry about how this will affect me in court. I am not worried whatsoever. I did nothing wrong.
This morning I thought H was gonna have a heart attack. He was all over the place and I wouldn't be surprised if the kids missed the bus. I ended up helping out not for H's sake, but for the kids' sake.
He also gave me a lecture that I should not have D brush her teeth in my bathroom. I said who really cares where she brushes her teeth as long as she brushes them?
CRAZYYY!!!
Please be careful. He's acting like an animal that is caged. He knows what he did last night was wrong and he also knows you are documenting things. It will look bad for him and he knows it.
Wishing, you did the right thing and he hasn't seen you stand up to him the way you have. He's really have a difficult time trying to control and manipulate the situation, but he is facing the consequences of his actions.
I am like you, what difference does it make which bathroom the children brush their teeth in? He's just being petty.
Take care of yourself.
I'm not as sure he knows what he did was wrong, as much as he knows something is wrong.
But I agree, the pressure is growing and showing and the cookie seems to be crumbling. I expect it's a lot of pressure he is putting on himself and doesn't understand how to get out of it. I know it's obvious to you and us, but it's like one of those Greek Tragedies - we can see the flaw, but the "hero" cannot. Tread carefully and deliberately as you did.
Might want to reach out to your lawyer again and find out at what point you should consider having him leave the premises - from a legal standpoint. Just a suggestion. Might ask about the good of the children and their mental health
As for your son. Please be careful there. He wants to help his mother (and father, but sees him as the agressor and the wrong one) and did so last night through journaling. That's a fine line between allowing him to feel helpful, and putting him in the middle, right? I think last night was appropriate and allowed him to feel like he was doing something to help protect his mother, but that puts him in the situation to be standing up as the man of the family. He may be heading toward filling the void. I saw similar in my daughter and it helps to be cognizant.
Your daughter too really. She'll manipulate to get what she wants. She's 5. Your H is going to have to deal with that because your D's growth will require different parents at different times.
Check with the lawyer sooner than later, WH.
AJ
Thanks everyone. My son told me a few weeks ago he was going to start a journal to write down things that happen so he can talk about them in counseling. I asked him if that was the counselor's idea and he said no. I told him I thought it was fantastic idea and should help him immensely. He started to show it to me and I told him right then if he WANTED me to look at it I would but by no means is he REQUIRED to show it to me. I told him that journal was for his eyes only.
I told S that mom was upset with dad but to not worry about it and that we would work it out. I do see S as trying to fill the void as the man in the family, but I still want him to be a kid and I am trying to do everything to encourage him to be a kid and not grow up too fast.
Yes, I already made the lawyer aware of the situation. I don't know if we can get him out or not. We would have to go back to court and that's 6-8 weeks down the road from the filing date. I am hoping this will make him chill out. At least for the present time.
I also explained to H that when we are separated he will have no control over what bathroom my kids use or where they take a shower or what soap they use. I don't think he really gets it.
Hang in there. It's tough when you got a loony tune bouncing off the walls.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way!
He doesn't get it. He may never get it.
You have a solid handle on the things with your kids. I just felt the need to mention it in case you hadn't thought of it. I know you have a lot on your plate and figure it can't hurt to hear the suggestions. Glad you have it sorted, and glad your son is looking for constructive ways to cope. He's a smart thinker
Hang in there. This won't be forever.
AJ
Thanks, AJ. I appreciate all the help I can get. I had a counseling session today and Doc was proud of me for standing up to the bully and defending my boundaries. Doc says H continues to realize he is losing control of the situation and cannot handle it. He said continue to define boundaries and to not let him bully me anymore.
It won't last forever, it just feels like it.
So D is sick. Woke up with a horrible cough, sore throat and slight fever. H said she was restless all night but he never bothered to take her temp or anything. I could tell when I first touched her she had a fever. And of course since she was not sleeping well he brought her in bed with him. Funny how that's okay when he does it, but not when I do it.
H woke S up and I told S he could relax a bit because I was taking them to school since I would be home with D. H says well it's my day to take them to school. I said no, this is my weekend. He says oh I didn't know how we were working it. Really? Is this pattern really that hard to catch onto? He just wants me to back down and I won't do it. Besides if it was his day he would need to stay home with D. I guess he needs to learn that he can't have things both ways.
D had another meltdown last night. Now it makes sense why she's been zoning of sorts. She hasn't been feeling well at all. I feel so bad for these kids. H said oh she's got what I got. Ha! I don't think so.
I'm sorry to read that your d is not feeling well. If she slept in the bed w/him...maybe he'll catch her bug! I can't believe he didn't check her temperature. It's important to do that when they feel hot and their temperatures can spike so quickly.
Wishing, he is really trying to get under your skin and he is so transparent in what he's attempting to do. I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself and not allowing him to dictate your every move.
Yes, you are so right...he needs to learn that he can't have things both ways whenever he wants them to be. Another lesson he will need to learn.
I hope your little one feels better soon.
Same here. Sorry for the sickness in the family.. Hopefully it's short-lived.
Yep, your H is trying to annoy you into doing what he thinks he wants. You feel the conflict when he gets it and doesn't like it or wants more. Either way, he won't be satisfied.
This is part of what I was saying before - he's going to try. You have to recognize that and recognize he can't keep it forever. You seem to and that's good. You know what he'll try to do and is trying to do. And you are standing up to him. Just keep an eye out for the kids to be sure before you act it is in their best interest. You'll be tested, but don't worry. It won't last forever even if it seems longer than you want. And you're doing great.
AJ
Is he really trying to bug me or is he really that clueless? Geez I am sorry to sound bitter but right now I hope this all comes back to bite him. Not a nice thing to say, but that's how I feel.
I can see him trying to monopolize the kids for a while. That's what he is doing now. It is just exhausting.
The more I think about things the more I think H may have been a jerk all along. Maybe this isn't MLC. Maybe he's just a plain old jerk.
No, he's not clueless. They become sly like the fox. Our spouses know us so well and know exactly which buttons to push to rile us up. He will continue to do this until he sees that you aren't paying him any mind. This is the behavior of a 2 year old wanting mommy's undivided attention. All they know is that they want attention, i.e., good or bad...it doesn't matter.
He's doing everything humanly possible to annoy you so that you will cave in on whatever he wants...don't do it!
Oh, something will surely come back and bite him where the sun don't shine. Just give Lady Karma time...it will happen.
He's having a crisis, there is no doubt about it and yes, they do act like jerks and more.
Hang in there!
Sometimes I think I am just here to echo snodderly. She's very experienced and wise at this
(sorry that's so, but glad for it).
I've often described my ex's behavior as like a 4 year old. Similar to how my niece operates. Or your own kids at times. Or you may have in your childhood. It's a recognizable pattern the world over.
I can tell you mine still does that even now, as recently as this week. But here's the thing - you know it. You know they are acting to get "something". They will conveniently forget things, or otherwise omit them. They will cajole, berate, and sometimes both in the same sentence. But it's all for the same reason - to get what they want no matter what. They become like a sucking drain of needs, and they will do some heinous things to get YOU to play the part they have in mind.
Since you know this, and once it sinks in, dealing with them is much easier, even if it remains annoying or silly. Just like with a kid, there needs to be firm, enforceable boundaries. You need to develop them for you. You are doing that naturally already, and very well. Without getting over the top upset (at the time) and without anger. The without anger is the key. As soon as you become emotionally involved in the immediate situation, you'll become malleable. Once that happens, they'll push and pull until you fold like taffy
On the other hand, if you detach from the emotional outcome, focus on the matter at hand, and have clear and enforceable boundaries, you can firmly, yet gently and without losing sight of what you're doing, behave like a rational adult and you will be able to protect what needs protecting.
He's broken and will be until he fixes him. Until then, you are the sane one and have so much power in the situation, it's frightening.
He'll act more and more like a jerk. But more and more like a two-year old jerk that's angry he can't have what he wants right now. He doesn't have the ability to be anything else for now.
And it will bite him. The question is when and whether or not you'll be around to see it. But it will at some point.
Peace,
AJ
Thanks Snodderly and AJ. I don't know what I would do without you. I am so sorry you both have to go through this but I'm glad that you are here helping me out and giving the advice you are. The advice on this forum is priceless.
D just has a virus. The doctor checked her for strep but it was negative. We just laid low all day. S went to his first middle school dance so that was something. They grow up way too fast.
I called H because he asked me to let him know what the doctor said. He thanked me and was nice, but he probably wanted something. I didn't buy into it. Later he called to talk to S who was outside with the dog and then H asked to talk to D who said "hold on I am doing something". When I went back to the phone to tell him H had hung up. Nice. S called him back and H went on to tell S that he won some patent award at work. I guess he needed to impress someone. Lol!
He's gone by OW now. Good riddance. I hope he stays away for a while.
wishing,
One more thing to add to the mix. If they find that they can't rattle your cage w/the usual picking fights, forgetfulness, they will try being nice to you and then bam! They'll hit you right between the eyes. It's all done to suck you back into their drama for justification of why they feel the way they do.
You have been doing a great job and I know it's difficult because your h is such a PIA. I do hope that your little one feels better soon.
Take care of yourself.
Hey all!!
Went to SIL's yesterday and spent yesterday and today with her and her husband. I really miss spending time with them. They are such nice people. They took my kids to a "entertainment facility" with Lasertag, bumper cars, a carousel, arcade games and an indoor playground. We ate pizza and nachos and had a really great time. Incidentally, my SIL lives not too far from OW and we were in her neck of the woods so I was almost thinking it would be funny if we ran into her and H. No such luck! Lol!
SIL told me she thinks OW is a fat slob and does not understand what H sees in her. I said I did not know, but I wasn't giving her any more thought and energy because she isn't worth my time.
D is feeling better thank Goodness. She didn't want to go to dance class Saturday AM and I didn't push the issue because I didn't want her to get worse again. That afternoon I asked her if she wanted to go to aunties house and she said yes. I am very glad we did.
No word from H all weekend. I am kind of surprised because lately he has been overwhelming me with calls and texts when he isn't around the kids. I am not complaining, believe me. It's just I never know what to expect with this guy. But I'm enjoying the peace and quiet while it lasts.
I'm sure I'll be back soon with more headaches.
I'm glad you and the children had a nice weekend. Sometimes all of you have to get away and just have some fun to break the tension and stressors in our lives.
You are right about one thing, you'll hear from your h again very soon. He can't go very long w/o contacting you or checking in on you.
Enjoy your day!
I'm so glad you had some fun!! What a strange and wonderful idea! :-) I might just try that too...
Heather
SIL is totally taking my part. She even wrote up a list of H's "wrongdoings" for me to give to my attorney! LOL! She still loves her brother, but cannot condone his actions and doesn't understand them. But it's good to have confirmed that I am not the crazy one. And it's good to know that I am not the only one H is treating like garbage.
She called the other night and H answered the phone. He seemed pretty put out when she asked for me and not him. I think it really threw him for a loop. But I don't care. Reality needs to slap this guy in the face. Although reality just makes him crawl deeper into the rabbit hole.
Hoping I don't hear from him until Wednesday, when it's his turn to spend time with the kids again. I am not holding my breath. If he thinks I don't want him around, he will more than likely show up to irritate me.
Glad you had some time away. And yes, you are not crazy. But it's nice to hear from family members sometimes, to help reinforce it.
Try not to guess what he's going to throw at you next. Deal with it when it gets there. I know that's tougher than it sounds, but for your own sake, it's better that way. It's another step toward detachment.
Glad everyone is on the mend and you're enjoying the time. Keep it up!
AJ
Thanks everyone. H came home tonight. I was hoping for a few more days of peace and quiet, but so be it. H was actually pretty civil and downright friendly. He told me a funny story about a co-worker completely embarrassing herself at an important meeting and asked me about emissions for his car and we had quite the talk about it. Weird. I made spaghetti squash for dinner and D had daddy try some of hers but when I offered him some he just said no thanks and he warmed up some pizza rolls! Lol! Oh well...I tried. I also made fresh fruit smoothies and he gladly accepted one of those. That's a teenager for ya.
So I don't know what is up but it makes me suspicious. But I am glad for the peace and quiet. And even though today was "my day" D wanted to watch a movie in her room and have quiet time with daddy. I gladly let that happen. I am proud of myself for not stooping to his level.
He was asking me if I needed to get anything from the grocery store because he is shopping Wednesday night with D after he takes S to counseling. Can't wait to see what he gets this time. Lol!
Glad you didn't stoop to that level as well. Proud of you.
Peace,
AJ
Hey y'all -
Just stopping in to say hey. Nothing really new on the home front. Oh, except the heat isn't working in the house. And it happens to be the coldest day of the year. Sigh. Such is life.
H took the kids to school today and is working from home waiting for the furnace man to come between the hours of 8 and 12. Better him than me. I was freezing. Good thing he actually came home last night otherwise I would have hauled the kids off to a hotel to get some heat!!!
He has been more nice than usual lately. Actually making conversations and talking to me not at me. But it won't last. I don't expect it to. He's either peeking out of the rabbit hole because he needs my help or because he is up to something. I am keeping my guard up. It's exhausting, but I have to keep my guard up.
So today starts the 5 day spell of H's time with the kids. I am trying to come up with things to keep myself busy. I have lunch plans with a friend today and seeing a movie and having dinner with another friend Friday. Saturday D has dance and I have Divorce class that evening. Sunday I have no plans, but I may finish my knitting project or pick up some new beads and make some jewelry. Monday will be here before you know it.
Trying to stay warm. Thinking of bahama mamas and tropical breezes.
I knew it wouldn't last. So H has paid the deposit for the GAL to investigate our case. I cannot help but be nervous about this, but my attorney isn't worried and said he has worked with the attorney appointed as GAL before and that he is a good fit. My attorney emailed H's attorney to see if they are willing to work on a "partial parenting agreement" but H's attorney doesn't think H will go for it because I want the language included regarding OW and H apparently thinks that I am "prolonging the negotiations and resolution" on all matters. That's just because I won't go along with what he wants.
Believe me, I don't want to prolong the agony but I am watching out for me and my kids. This guy is out for himself. I just hope I am not the only one who sees it.
On the better news front, the heat is back on in the home. S called me after school and told me it's warm in the house. YAY! Now I can take a shower and not turn into a popsicle afterward. LOL! H will probably be in a mood tonight since the service call cost over $250.
And that's another thing. H paid a $1000 deposit to the GAL. I am wondering where he came up with this money since he is practically bankrupt? LOL!
Glad to hear that the heat is back on. It's been very cold the last couple of days here in MD and I can just imagine how cold it is where you live. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he charged the service call fee to his charge card. Oh, btw, they cry all of the time about not having money and they usually do have some stashed away. Let him cry a river of blues this evening.
Anything you say or do concerning the agreement will be looked as prolonging it in his eyes. Why? Because it's not giving him what he wants. He doesn't realize that he's the problem and the one prolonging everything because he's not being agreeable on anything. Stupid fool. We all know you aren't the one dragging your feet.
Listen to your lawyer because I think he knows what he's doing and he's worked with this appointed GAL before. Keep breathing...everything will be okay.
Thanks, Snodderly. I just give it up to God. My kids are the most important thing to me. H knows that and he knows I am not motivated by money, just my kids. But he doesn't get that I will not give up the fight.
I am secretly hoping OW loaned him the money. That would just confirm to me that she is a bigger idiot than I previously thought.