I've been reading tons about mlc and feel so torn and nervous about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my husband. I know it's because I'm going to see him on Thursday night for a college planning meeting for our daughter. And we'll obviously have to talk about taxes etc, and I'm terrified it'll be the perfect segway into him asking for or mentioning a divorce.
I feel his hopelessness about our relationship and truly feel that if he had a dream that we could be happy together he would try when he was ready... but he's depressed and can't see any good in trying. I want to try now more than ever. But I'm afraid we'll never get the chance. But it scares me a little too, to think about trying. Because we weren't happy, I wasn't happy with him. He gave up on us at least 18 months ago and it was a lonely dark period. I'm just recently feeling more optimistic and good about myself and life in general. But that doesn't mean I don't want my marriage. I just want the best versions of ourselves trying to make it work. But he doesn't want that and I don't think he even knows how to tap into the best version of himself because he's running, distracted with working 24/7. Even when he left our home he went to live with a friend and still has never had any time to himself to sit and dwell and think. It's been too easy to distract himself with a good time and his friends (the endless frat house), or at work, or presumably with his girlfriend. I want him alone, in a bare apartment - then we'll see how he feels. But I can't control anything!
Need to figure out how to keep my anxiety down for a couple more days. And all this reading about MLC and other people's experience has got my feelings all in a jam. I'm spending too much time dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm reading his chat site that he goes to obsessively every few hours looking for some clue to what's in his head. I wish there was an off switch for my brain. I'm not handling the lack of control very well today.
- Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Yes, you can't control him. Quit trying. Take care of you.
Work on deep yoga belly breathing. Close your eyes and meditate. Read other peoples threads and gleen from them what you need to hear. I always learn stuff from other peoples threads!
Aloha,
Wendy
Hi Reb,
Wendy has given you very good advice. I would like to add that MLC takes a very long time to get through. That said, you have to realize that you are way ahead of your H on your own journey. You're going through it, not trying to avoid it like your H is by distracting himself with his band-aids.
I don't think at this point that getting him alone in a bare apartment would do any good. He really has no clue to why he feels as he does. That won't come until he's ready to start facing his demons. He's still far too busy in Replay for that to happen.
Leave your H to God and focus on taking care of you. Your H will have to run to catch up with you. There is always hope as long as you want it. Just keep those expectations at zero. When your H starts to emerge, you'll know it.
Stay strong!
Thank you for the replies. I'm in a total panic today so I'm trying to remember the breathing. The panic attacks are bad, have been better the past couple months but I'm feeling the stress today.
He texted me last night about trying to reconnect with upset D15. I still don't know how to handle that... I gave him a road map back in October about what he needed to do to make D15 feel better. Mainly, take responsibility for your actions and tell her he's sorry! Sorry for not trying and sorry for all the lies! He chose not to do it, now months later he has had practically no communication with D15 but still continues to try to see D17 a couple times a month. So now he's reaching out, "I'd like to talk to you about how to connect with D15. she doesn't answer my texts". Not my problem. But at the same time, I want what's best for my daughter. How to proceed?
I have to see him tonight for this meeting. I don't know how we'll get through it, filing for college aid in the first place. Nothing legal has been drawn up yet. And I want to keep hope. I want to expect nothing. But the two seem at such opposite odds, how does one manage?
I feel like I've given so much belief to the man I thought he was that this HAS to be MLC. And then that makes me think it's worth trying to have hope. He's hurt me so badly but I still love him so. And he's so nice to me still, it's a cruel trick. He picked up D17 last night and said I looked nice, why does he do that? But that's the whole problem with the way he left and everything, is that he's always been nice. Too nice to be a man and have courage to tell me what he was really feeling.
Get through tonight, then I need to start detaching again! I haven't had to see him for about a month so these feelings that I thought I had moved past are back. I realize now it was just a temporary reprieve.
Reb,
Oh, I know your pain! I'm currently in the midst of a small backslide myself. I've been working my 180 for about 5 wks now and H noticed. It has been calm since I started and now HE is trying to engage w/talks about relationship. We just had one the other night and now I'm a mess. Trying to get back to detached with H still at home!
I struggled for nearly a year but I also didn't know about DB until November. It is just plain hard to realize how much we can't do. No amount of rationalizing will reach them, no amount of loving will reach them, nothing other than their own agenda right now. They are in so much pain. I've been able to reach a place with H that I can see the little boy in him that was so very, very sensitive and then with all the pain from his childhood, how that has shut him down long before "we" were.
The idea in DB that I could "fake it till I make it" while working on detachment became my mantra the first couple of weeks along with lots of prayer. The reality that I can't help H hurts every day. Yes, I want my marriage very much. No, I can't make my husband see what an amazing life he has and what a gift it is to have someone want to love you for you. I have given H to God and pray for strength every day to just wait.
There is peace for you! Get outside (great distraction), join a new club (I'm going to start with a local hiking group!), find a new hobby (I started knitting again), get support (I have a prayer partner, a wonderful friend and access to a counselor sometimes), focus on your girls - do new things together if they're willing. Getting out of the pain is tough, but it will get easier.
Reb
How are doing today?
This whole thing takes a lot of time
and alot of patience
The main thing is to take of yourself the best you can
setting boundaries with your H and letting them go
not easy
During this process of standing, we learn change and grow
It turns out to be a good thing for most LBS
You said you were unhappy with him in your M
I can relate as I was unhappy too with my X but I still loves him and wanted to keep family together..
so all I can say is continue to be cordial to him but stop searching his sites and practice letting him go in your thoughts a best as possible even for a few minutes at a time to start
AS for your D,we cant control how our kids feel about their Father in MLC
I always speak kindly of my XH to my kids
reminding them it wasnt their fault
He loves them very much but he got sick(crises)
Thats how I see it
sometimes counseling can help the teen get it out
I also spent a lot of time listening to my then 12 year old D cry talk and feel it all
she is 17 now and seems well adjusted straight a student and committed to school
she has not seen her dad in 3 years
keep posting
the best,
peace
Thank you again for the replies. Not doing well this weekend at all. The more I read (on this site especially) the more hopeless it seems. There aren't many examples of men that wake up and want there families back, are there.
My husband cancelled plans with my daughter again yesterday to work. He's strictly chosen work over our family for the past couple years and that's actually a reason it's hard to give up hope. Because I know he loves his daughters fiercely, but he cancels with them often and I used to take that personally. But now I'm out of the picture and nothing changes. So on one hand I'm glad to let that one go and also feel that any R he's in would fall under priority of his daughters, so it's not something he takes seriously. But that was the man I used to know... I feel bad about myself for wanting him back. We had a bad couple of years and I even thought about not being married last winter. And even when he left at first, it was a few months of shock and I thought for sure we were going to R still. And it truly wasn't until he made it clear that wasn't in his plan did I panic and reaffirm that I want my family back! But now we dont talk and it feels like he'll never know that. But he's not the husband that I want and I don't know when or if he ever will be again. It just feels like this is never going to end. I did really good GAL before Xmas, been fighting grief really bad since then.
Any advice on how to get unstuck?
First of all there are a number of people who are successful and actually quite a few recently. You just haven't looked enough. Plus irregardless of what stage anyone is at, it's important to see what the little positives are to build into big ones.
Continue to journal here and write your full marital history. All you've been doing is writing about what's happening now. Explain about the past and how you got to where you're at. Also explain what negatives he saw in you and your R. You can do this, but the board can't help unless you give us more to go by.
Just a thought on looking here for success stories. This board is used mostly by people who are suffering - it gives them comfort. I suspect that if/when things begin to improve there is less need to come here resulting in people's stories being incomplete. This tendency would make it difficult to determine true success ratios...
Hang in there. Its hard and painful, but you CAN get through this. When you feel overwhelmed that's probably a sign you need to shift your focus back to YOU.
Hope your day is good
Reb,
From what I understand most MLCer's do want to come home. The thing is that most LBS choose to not wait the MLC out, either due to too much damage or loss of feelings for the MLCer, moved on with their lives, etc.
This is not a short journey and there are no guarantees what kind of person you'll get back. Generally there are changes in both MLCer and LBS.
From what I've heard and read those marriages that do make it through MLC are better and stronger than ever.
So, what I get out of this is that while it is the MLCer's choice to check out of the M, it is the LBS's choice whether to let them back in at the end of the crisis.
Of course there are those MLCer's that do not ever come out the other side, but I believe they are the exceptions and not the rule.
Mizjd gives you good advice, shift your focus back to what you can control, you.
Sorry all, I did not mean to imply db didn't work or belittle anyone's efforts. I am sick, and tired (and sick & tired) and having a hard time getting my head in the right place. I was there a 6 weeks ago or so, but, like everything, it seems like the minute you loosen your grip life has a way of sucking you backwards. And without the emotional support that used to be offered by a spouse, it's time to start digging my way out of the hole again.
It does seem, though, that the more I concentrate on reading this site and books (just got The Script that was referred on another posting), the more I have a hard time getting past the pain. Does anyone else find that to be the case?
Ok Mr Bond, I'll work on a marital history. That sounds like an excavation that will probably take a bit to get out. Tomorrow is another day! I did see something on tv that's worth sharing from A Purpose Driven Life author - thoughts control your feelings, and feelings control your actions. So if you want to change your actions or feelings, start by changing your thoughts. That's where the PMA comes in, huh?
If it's that complex, then it's easy to see where the M went wrong.