Hi all
Just have a question about doing a 180.
My husband knows that I am a giver. Not just gifts, but time and love and kindness. Should my 180 be becoming a b#tch . Because I dont want to become that person.
Still waiting on my DB and DR books I ordered. Living in Aus
Can somebody give their opinion
((((hugs))))
Hi Itina,
I've been reading a bit of your sitch.
IMO, I wouldn't turn into a b!tch. I would however, not be a doormat and set boundaries when necessary to protect yourself.
Just remember that boundaries aren't set to punish your H, but to protect yourself and your children. Do not set boundaries that you can't enforce or be consistent on.
If you are wanting to R your M at some point you need to be the safe place. That means being consistent. He fell in love with the way you are. That love is still there albeit buried at this time, and probably for some time to come.
The best you can do is to focus on yourself and your kids while your H is on his journey. Go out and GAL and do things you've always wanted to do but never had the time or energy to do. Become the woman that only a fool would leave!
Itina,
I have a similar experience with being a "giver". I don't do b!tchy well at all. As I understand 180's they should be things that NEED improving and becoming a b!tch may not be an improvement. Look for other directions to "give". Perhaps charity or other functions that remove you from him. I follow a principle that "If its convenient for me to do, I do. Otherwise, I do not."
If you try to do something too far from who you are, at least all at once, it may be too hard to maintain. Look for baby steps that you CAN achieve and maintain and go from there.
God bless and good luck!
When you are implementing 180's, they are for you, not your h or to get his reaction. They should be good 108's that will help you. If you are setting boundaries, stick to them, i.e., do not waiver. If you do waiver, he will know that you are an easy mark and will walk all over you each and every time. Another thing, just like tots, if the boundaries are ones that he's not happy with, he will test you time and again and try to wear you down to allow him whatever he wants.
Once you have set your 180's in motion or have made changes that you feel that you need to make for yourself, you will need to stick to them, i.e., they must become permanent. Your mlcing h will sense if they are not true ones that you are committed to, i.e., just trying to win him back.
It's one step at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day, therefore you need to take baby steps in maintaining the changes.
I've struggled with this b!tch 180 idea too.
I was voted "Most Loved by Teachers" in high school --if that gives you an idea of where I fit on the scale. Don't drink, don't smoke, a real goody-goody. That's what H fell for.
Anyway, the OW is covered in tattoos and looks hard. She does lots of drugs and has this scratchy voice from chain smoking...
I toyed with making myself harder and b!tchy, but it's not me. I've decided I'm not changing what isn't broken with me. And, the deeper we trek into this MLC, I realize that I'm not nearly as broken as I thought. In fact, this may be why H looked elsewhere--he was unwilling to change and I was getting pretty happy, content with myself.
For me, I will continue to work on the things that I need to work on, but I'm not fixing what ain't broke. :-)
Hang in,
Heather
Thank you everyone for your replies
I am glad I don't need to go all b*tch. Ofcourse after some sole searching there was things I needed to change. My biggest 2 for myself was a germ phobia and panicking while other people were driving. This has been good for me. It has reduced my anxiety working on these. I have definitely done these for me
The one thing that my H complained about to me was that I didn't so enough with him and kids should have been left at other people's place more often so we could go out.
I Ofcourse said that that was easy to fix but he had already made his mind up. Already found his love of his life
And good news. Got my books today
Mlcers tend to find all kinds of excuses for what they are doing. Nothing will be the right thing for them. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. My advice, do what you need to do to improve on yourself. Do it for YOU, not your h. Why? Because once you fix whatever he's complained about, he'll come up w/something else. This jumping through hoops to fix everything he points out is just plain crazy and is called pretzeling because you are bending and twisting yourself to please him and when it is all said done, you will be tired and frustrated and not happy w/yourself. Don't do it.
Itina,
Snodderly is absolutely correct in what she's telling you.
I experienced this myself with my H. Yes, I pretzeled myself and as soon as I fixed whatever it was that he complained was wrong with me, he would come up with something new.
Good for you working on those things that you don't like about yourself, for YOU. If it's not for you, it probably wouldn't stick anyway.
Thanks again Snodderly and seeking answers
I will GAL and hopefully over time it will become easier and I will be thinking less of what H is up to