http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2308246&page=1Last thread. That one went fast. Still focusing on myself. Still dealing with H's crazymaking. Getting stronger every day.
H has made quesadillas again. Even cooking for me. So he goes from being mean to me to cooking for me. Weird.
Hey Wishing!
It's been one of those days for you! I understand all too well
Envision this... Me, you, our H's out of the house with their dumb a$$ ho bags, snapping at them because we aren't around, and a whole case of wine to celebrate!
Party people in the house!!!!
Oh, and we can feed our kids all the cuties they want without worrying about "spoiling " their dinner.
These MLCers are just too much sometimes!
WH, it seems you are learning to surf as the waves come rolling. Maybe your next thread should be the Beach Boys?
Peace,
AJ
Ha ha! Just rolling with the waves, AJ. Wary of the undertow and keeping a lookout for sharks. Can't ya feel them circling honey? Can't you see them swimming around? Lol! There's my Parrothead coming out!
I think the next thread will have a Jimmy Buffett theme. I love his music. So relaxing and it soothes me. I can envision myself with a tropical drink with my toes in the sand. I can smell the sea water and hear the sea gulls cawing.
So H made dinner and cleaned up most of the mess. After dinner te kids wanted to play a game and H said he didn't want to and he never took them sledding today either. So I played a game with the kids. H went down to his "man cave" with a drink. So I got D ready for bed. I'll be darned if I am gonna wait for hkm because it's "his weekend". If it's bedtime, it's bedtime. This "my time/your time" crap is ridiculous.
So I am glad this day is over. Now I wonder what H has in store for tomorrow?
And yes, TVS, one day I will not have to deal with his baloney or his ham!!! Lol!
Yay!! Another day down. A little stronger. A little wiser. A little worn out but nothing a good nights' sleep can't fix. And I didn't even need any alcohol!! Lol.
wishing,
You made it through the day of crazymaking!
What time did your h finally have dinner on the table? I'm sure your little ones were hungry. I guess he was tired after cooking that wonderful meal. LOL! I'm sorry he didn't play a game w/the children, but you know what? The children probably were very happy that you played w/them instead. BTW, I don't blame you for putting them to bed at their normal bedtime. Children need a routine and they need to stay on the routine as much as possible.
I think the winter storms annd holidays have all of the mlcers' knickers in a twist. There have been a lot of crazymaking stuff going on this holiday season, i.e., more than usual from years ago.
Today is a new day and hopefully he will settle down and find something productive to do, i.e., like go out and leave you alone for a bit.
Take care!
They ate dinner I want to say about 7:00. S ate all his dinner and the cutie didn't fill him up! Lol! H made root beer floats which is a nice treat but D never drinks that much and then he gets mad at her for not drinking it.
H took them to the store last night so they could use what was left of their gift cards. D ended up getting a toy she really didn't want. She never played with it, never even wanted it opened once we got home. She told me this morning she didn't want that toy. I asked her why she got it and she said dad made her. Apparently she was taking too long picking something out so he rushed her. I don't know the real story since she's only 5, but my kids don't lie. So I told her later we could take it back and get something else.
I am looking forward to see what H is making for breakfast! Lol!
Just letting u know I'm thinking about you and hoping today is better.
Heather
Thanks Heather (Lois).
H has been very quiet today. He made breakfast of toast, sausage and eggs. He even put that god-awful ham in the eggs. Needless to say I refused to eat them. Lol! I peeled some cuties for me and of course the kids wanted some too. I made some cinnamon toast for myself and S wanted some of mine because he didnt like the way dad made it. I don't know how you can mess up cinnamon toast, but whatever.
H took the kids sledding so I had a chance to go shopping by myself which when you are practically a single mom is a treat in itself. By the time I got back they were home and H was watching the football game. So he went down to his man cave and the kids and I did beading projects. I made dinner and fed the kids. He has been pounding down the drinks so he's pretty mellow right now.
Of course he made breakfast and asked me to clean up the kitchen so he could snow blow. Then he took the kids sledding but didn't put their coats and gloves in the dryer. Just left them heaped in a pile.
So super dad only goes so far. Apparently he still needs someone to pick up where he left off.
Weirder still. The kids and H are watching a movie downstairs and H comes up to make popcorn. He sees the card on the counter for my niece that just had a baby and asked who it was for. I told him it was for my niece and he started asking all kinds of questions and even stated that he didn't even know she was expecting. I just thought why would I tell you that? Why would you care? You're not part of their lives anymore and they hate you!! But it was odd. Just small talk? Or is he just trying to find out what I am up to? More crazymaking?
I wish he would just go away!!! Lol!
I'm glad the day was a quiet one for you and you were able to get out for a bit.
I have to agree w/you...he's still looking for someone to clean up behind him. I think that the is the child/teenage mentality! LOL!
He was curious about the card and wanted to know what was going on. It sounds like he may have had a moment of clarity if he was asking questions, etc.
Hopefully he will be back to work in no time and things will then settle down after tomorrow.
Hang in there!
Thanks Snodderly.
He just left thank goodness. Now I can breathe for a bit. Gotta come up with some fun activity for the kids tonight. I should have known it was New Years Eve and he was gonna take off for some fun with OW. He told me he took today off to be with the kids. Apparently that wasn't the case. I have an appointment with the lawyer today so now I need someone to watch the kids. He knew that, but left anyway.
Enjoying this time with him gone. Good riddance.
Hope things went well with the L. I'm home with the kids tonight too if you feel like virtually chatting. Otherwise, have a nice evening :-)
Heather
Hey Heather thanks for connecting. Decided to stay home tonight and avoid the crazies like H. Making spaghetti squash for dinner. I like it with pasta sauce, kids like it with butter and salt. Made some fruit smoothies for lunch as well. Gotta load them up with healthy food so H's junk food doesn't have too much negative impact. Lol!
Lawyer visit was good. We went over mediation papers and property settlement. H is basing his child support offer on what he can afford in order to refinance the house. He is holding getting my name off the house as a carrot dangling in front of me. I told the lawyer then I will take half the credit card and ortho bill. I will get more in maintenance than I will have to pay for those debts. H knows that. He isnt stupid. What's funny though is that he has "lowered his income" by not working overtime (which is the income he uses to declare bankruptcy) but the income he used to calculate child support is higher than his income from last year and way higher than his income from previous years. It makes no sense. Looks like he is playing games. I asked the lawyer isn't child support based on a percentage and he said yes, usually, but apparently he wants me to sign off on a dollar amount so he can qualify for refinancing. And wants me to waive maintenance. What kills me is he expects me to pay for 52% of expenses and he pays for 48% and I have to contribute to his health care premiums plus I have to get my own insurance. How come it seems like I am the innocent party yet I am the one being punished? He makes 3 times the money I do.
I need to breathe. And then he has to call and interrupt my time with the kids. Of course it was cut short because the dog did something naughty. I'm giving that dog a treat.
wishing,
I would listen to your lawyer. It should be a joint 50/50 and he should be paying whatever the percentage is of his salary for child support, not a dollar amount. Eventually, this would cheat your children of much needed money if his salary goes up (again).
Don't settle for less...go for the gold and aim high, then negotiate for a fair settlement. Your h is hoping that you'll get tired of the games and agree to whatever he wants...that's not how divorce should work.
Happy New Year!
Good dog! How'd you train him to do that? :-)
Deep breath is right. My friend is a massage therapist and she told me to take at least three deep breaths in a row to calm my body down. All kinds of good stuff happens when you take a deep breath--I can't remember em all now, but it works!
Sounds like you received a lot of info today. I usually need a few days, at least, to sort through it all in my head until it makes sense.
You're not alone.
I'm home with D10 tonight. We've both been down and staying in just sounded better for both of us. My H is back to his wavy MLC self and probably spending a lovely evening with OW. Found out in the last week how my inlaws are itching to meet her. They are back to blaming me for everything and gave me a candle for Christmas. Seems like waiting until we are actually divorced would make sense in terms of inviting the OW into the fam. But, that's just me.
Cuckooo.
Heather
Thanks Snodderly. I have no intention of not listening to my lawyer. I don't know what I would do without him. I have to start all over again and he makes three times the money I do. I know he intends to have OW either move in with him or get a place together so he can split his debt. I'm not stupid. She will help him anyway she can. I told my attorney I wanted support based on a percentage not a fixed amount. What if he gets a raise or works more overtime or gets a bonus? That's not fair to me. So I am really angry right now about the unfairness of this situation. I need to regroup and refocus.
Yes Heather. I am sure H is getting ready to pound them down with OW. I hope he gets one heck of a hangover. It would serve him right.
Where I live, support is based on a calculator. It's done by how much each of you takes home and takes into account the amount spent on child care and health insurance. I intend to include verbiage that says that if either one of us gets a raise, the support has to be recalculated in 30 days. Not sure that helps you but it should be a ratio of his vs her salary. My sister's ex makes almost $500k/year and he pays support plus 85% of expenses b/c my sister is a teacher and he outmakes her by more than 10 to 1. She also get a pre-tax percentage of his bonuses. Just food for thought.
Your children should not have to change their lifestyle because he decided to leave. That's HIS problem. They should not have to suffer because of his poor choices.
GG
Thanks GG. That's right. And my lawyer said the same thing. If we are both splitting the expenses for the kids 50/50, then we should split the income 50/50. If he can't afford to keep OW in the lap of luxury that's not my problem. We are also going to have a clause that states if he doesn't use all twelve of his "floater" days or if his work travel causes him to miss so many of his placement days the child support formula will be recalculated. We plan to monitor this for 18 months. H is trying to scare me with this bankruptcy thing in order to get me to agree to his proposal. I was born in the night. But not last night.
Enjoying "Despicable Me", popcorn and sparkling grape juice with the kids. Well, I'm having wine! : )
Well here is hoping 2013 is kinder and gentler than 2012. Actually 2011 stunk too so let's hope improvement is on the way.
Lots of "coming around again" scenarios coming into play lately. It's the beginning of a new year and I keep thinking where I was a year ago. Seeing the Valentines cards and hearts and candy have the memories come crashing back into me. Here I am at a kids bouncy house place where I remember being almost a year ago after H and I had "the talk". I remember how desperate and scared I was. How much I cried and prayed and was in denial. Although not much has changed about my sitch, I have changed dramatically. I found this board, found my lawyer, started counseling and confided in good friends. I still have a long way to go. But as the saying goes, I ain't who I'm gonna be but at least I ain't who I was. I ain't where I'm heading but at least I ain't where I was.
I know my relationship with H is over as much as it hurts to say it. I wish it was different for my kids. But he has done so much damage and he isn't sorry. He has no regrets. Even if he was sorry, i don't think he is the kind who can make the changes he needs to make. He thinks he is fine and it's all me. H is the type that has to hit rock bottom before he makes a change and honestly I don't believe he can make an honest change. He has no integrity, no character and no moral standards. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. I cannot and will not settle for less.
That being said I still grieve for what I thought I had. I honestly don't know if H is in midlife crisis or if he's just a bad person that pretended to be good for a long time?
Sometimes I wish I had a relationship so I could have someone for support but I know I'm not ready. I wonder if I will ever be ready again?
H is the type that has to hit rock bottom before he makes a change and honestly I don't believe he can make an honest change. He has no integrity, no character and no moral standards. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. I cannot and will not settle for less.
That being said I still grieve for what I thought I had. I honestly don't know if H is in midlife crisis or if he's just a bad person that pretended to be good for a long time?
Sometimes I wish I had a relationship so I could have someone for support but I know I'm not ready. I wonder if I will ever be ready again?
Lots of insight, WH. Very admirable.
I remember talking to my BIL right after this started for me. He said something similar about hitting rock bottom before changing. At the time, I had hoped she wouldn't hit bottom. I don't really care any more, but it is a scary place to be for many. Glad I won't be seeing it
Wanting a relationship to share your life with someone? That's normal if you ask me. Glad you have the presence of mind to know you're not ready. That'll save you a lot of grief. But you will have that again. Really just a matter of time and you being ready. You will be at some point.
As for whether or not you really had "it" with H... you did and you know it. Don't let him take that away from you. At some point, you'll be able to look back at those times in a healthy way and remember them fondly. Without the pain. It truly does happen and I hope that happens sooner than later for you. The good times were good times; they were not a lie. You didn't pick "wrong". He just has some issue to deal with. Kind of like people that have a car accident or cancer and have to deal with it.
Nobody has the right to take those memories away from you.
Here's to a happier and healthier 2013, WH. May you make many new happy memories!
AJ
Thanks AJ. That makes me feel better. I never wanted my kids to grow up in a split home. It breaks my heart.
A friend of mine posted something to Facebook which said "It's never too late to live happily ever after." I posted that the key to living happily ever after is realizing happiness is created in yourself not dependent on someone else.
H is gone still. He called and wanted to talk to the kids. He told them he would he back in the am to take them to school. So essentially he lives here on "his" days with the kids and lives with her on his "off" days. I wish he would just move up there with her. It would save me a lot of grief.
Oh well just intending to take advantage of his taking the kids to school by using the time to my advantage. It feels wrong though. I would rather be with my kids.
So new drama. H's lawyer told mine that at tomorrow's temporary hearing they are going to try to make it the "final" hearing. I am to move out of the home by February 1st and I am to stop all efforts to inhibit his ability to refinance. H told his attorney there have been incidents of violence caused by me and the home with me in it is unsafe for the children. They are also demanding the restriction on the significant other be lifted.
This is rich. Please please please comment friends and pull me out of the crazy of H's world!!! Are his attorneys crazy too???
wishing,
I am so sorry to hear this. Yes, his lawyer is out for money only. Your h is a lot like mine. My xh told his lawyer that I had knocked him out, tied him up and set all of his clothes on fire in the driveway. The PI advised my lawyer that there was no way in h@ll I could have done this as my xh is taller and heavier than I am and my drive way is black topped.
His lawyer is only after his money and, of course, even if they don't think what their client is telling them is the truth, they will still side w/them because they are the clients.
If there was such violence, did he have a restraining order? Where the policy contacted to come out and referee? How come he's been spending time there? How much taller and heavier is your h? If the children are unsafe in your presence, then the burden of proof is this...I would get my children's physician to provide a statement that they have never been in his office with injuries. Also, if you were so crazy to do them harm, wouldn't there be hospital reports and police reports as well as child advocates coming there to check on the children. These are things you need to address.
I think the February 1st date is far too soon for you to move out...where will you go? You can't get an apartment this quickly.
I honestly do not see this as the final hearing...there are way too many issues to hash out and yes, he's setting you up. Don't allow this stuff to cause you to panic. You need to stay calm and deal w/this in a very calm, business like manner. You need to show him and his lawyer that you are a grown, sane woman who hasn't done a thing to hurt her children. If worse comes to worse, the children may have to come in and tell them how you are as a mother (I hope not).
Your h is over the top here and is grasping at straws to not have to pay children support. Get w/your lawyer before the hearing and if you can't do this, I would not agree that this is the final hearing. He's hoping to rattle you so badly that you'll screw up in the hearing...don't go there! Stay strong.
I'm in your corner and will be praying for you.
W,h,
I'm so sorry you have this craziness in your life! I just wanted to let you know I keep up with your sitch and I wish only the best for you and your kids.
Hang on to your sanity....one day these bad times will just be history!
rH
w,h
This is awful. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
It confirms to me that this is a form of mental illness that people go through.
I have heard some similarly irrational stuff from my H in regard to matters under legal dispute.
As Rick said to me just yesterday on here: They will say anything to get what they want.
If you can, look at it as a sign of how desperate they are - losing touch with reality is not a good sign, particularly when going into a legal process.
He will be found out and it will not be good for his case.
Thanks so much guys. I get home and the house is in sheer chaos!!! D is having another meltdown, refuses to eat and is acting out against H. I am sure he thinks that is my fault too. He is making her go to bed early and she is fighting him tooth and nail. I heard her screaming bloody murder and shouting "you're the worst dad ever!!" I am not rescueing him. Of course it's me who creates the dysfunction and chaos. Obviously it's him.
I have to get my kids and myself out of this situation!!! It's completely unhealthy. Help!!!
Your h is insane. One day he cooks for you the next he kicks you out.
I guess I missed in your story why h gets the house, he should move out if he is leaving the family?
Either way feb 1 is too soon. Stay calm. I am sure your lawyer had seen this before.
Don't let emotions take over, think about what you need to be safe and keep you kids safe. Ask your lawyer about all your legal options.
You are not crazy. He is. We love you. Hang in there for your kids
Awwwwww thanks BK!!! I don't know what I would do without you guys!!! What kills me is that H's lawyer seems to think all his ideas are wonderful. Isn't a lawyer supposed to advise not just "go along"?
Yes my attorney said this does not surprise him nor is he unprepared for it. I trust my lawyer. He's a good man. A wise man.
H wants the house. He didn't want it at first, but now he does. Perhaps OW has her eye on it? It's too much money for me to afford and too much maintenance. So he's trying to force me out. He's been trying to force me out since last summer.
I think OW and H are planning to get married and she's moving down here with her kids. I don't know how that will work but that's my suspicion.
Again thanks to all who have been there for me this past year. I am really starting to think this will never end. I don't know if I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this treatment but I must have been something deplorable.
You didn't do anything to deserve this!
It's his crap to deal with, plain and simple.
No matter what, YOU will have a clear conscience. You know the truth. You live in reality.
Sorry your H is being such a d-bag.
Hang in there!
So new drama. H's lawyer told mine that at tomorrow's temporary hearing they are going to try to make it the "final" hearing. I am to move out of the home by February 1st and I am to stop all efforts to inhibit his ability to refinance. H told his attorney there have been incidents of violence caused by me and the home with me in it is unsafe for the children. They are also demanding the restriction on the significant other be lifted.
This is rich. Please please please comment friends and pull me out of the crazy of H's world!!! Are his attorneys crazy too???
Yep, par for the course my dear. Your lawyer is very smart to have expected it.
What they'll do is start by putting the line wayyyyy over the top. That way when you start to negotiate you start off by defending. Negotiation 101 to put your opponent off-balance and on the defensive like that.
The lawyer doesn't care - he gets paid regardless. Kind of like Vegas - the house always wins.
Mine tried a few things like that. Pretty funny looking back, but it really is atrocious behavior considering.
Your H will NOT be happy no matter what happens. You will likely not be happy no matter what happens.
Keep focused on what is important - you and your kids. Keep focused on what you need to get out of this transaction. Keep listening to your lawyer - he'll know what is a real accusation and what is not.
Be at peace WH. This is an expected and normal part of this process choice he's made.
Oh, and trying to move things up to his timetable? Also classic negotiation tactics. Follow your lawyer's advice - he knows what's going on and knows what he's doing. But remember you're a team and you'll need to keep your wits about you. There will be plenty of time later to reflect back on what is happening and what happened and the OW is doing/planning etc.
Peace,
AJ
Thanks everyone. I did very well tonight considering. D had a complete and total meltdown on H tonight. I'm still dealing with the aftershocks. She is beyond out of sorts.
I said nothing to H about tomorrow's court date. I just told him we were signing the mediation papers tomorrow. My lawyer knew he would try to get me to sign documents tonight. He told me do not sign anything!!
H may also be torked because my attorney sent an email earlier today stating that H will have to pay about another $1200 on top of child support to equalize our incomes after the D is final. That may have sent H over the edge.
My head is spinning. I can't wait until tomorrow is over!!
wishing,
Please put on your business hat today and keep very calm. Do not go into that room showing you are upset or angry. You have to remain calm. Listen to your lawyer because he's going to be the one who will do the negotiating for you. You have to put all of your faith and trust in him. He will fight for you and he knows what your h is pulling. He's seen it before.
If your h wants the house, then negotiate. Don't just leave. He will need to buy you out and you want cash and you want the cash within 90 days. I bought my xh out of the house and that was the time limit I had to come up with the buyout money. Your lawyer may already have this in mind so it's something to keep in the back of your mind.
Lawyers that handle mlc cases know what is going on w/them and will rack up billable hours because there is a profit in it for them. I know the lawyer my xh had knew he was nuts, but she couldn't do anything w/him to listen to reason. No matter what, the lawyer that is being paid by a client will stand by them even if they are crazy or murdered someone.
But that is not your issue today.
I will be thinking and praying for you today. I pray that your lawyer will pull the big guns out and will stand firm and protect you and your family any way that he can. AJ is right about one thing, no one is happy when the divorce and settlement are over, i.e., no one wins. So, aim high for what you want and negotiate, i.e., that's what his lawyer is doing.
Good luck today!
Good luck today be cool calm and collected.
I always like to pretend I am a movie star in these sitchs then I spend the morning dressing up and walk into the meeting with my chin up.
Thanks everyone. I am nervous and a little scared but mostly scared of the unknown. The judge who presides this case is the same judge we had the first time we went to court and who told H "you are still a married man". My lawyer does not think the judge will go along with any of this stuff, but I don't want to get overconfident. Anything can happen. I just keep praying.
Boy oh boy. I hope God has something good in store for me down the road because I for one think I have earned it!!!
Oh and Snodderly, there is no equity in the house so there is nothing to buy me out of. We have a second mortgage on the house which puts the value slightly negative or at the break-even point. I believe that is one reason why H wants this D done right away. If any more time progresses we will start to accrue equity and he will have to pay me. H thinks I am stupid. He also thinks that everything "belongs" to him. He is something else. No loss on my part. His loss all the way.
Good luck today! We are all here for you!
Wishing,
I just checked on this morning. All I can say is Wow.
It's gonna b ok. Somehow, someway, it's gonna b ok.
I've been enjoying the aftershocks of h's Christmas behavior with the kids. I know how much harder its makes EVERYTHING.
U will b ok. Trust God's guidance now more than ever. I know, for me, the periods of greatest stress are when I can hear God the most.
Much love sent ur way,
Heather
Hey WH, just to echo the earlier sentiments. Be calm. Be serene. Plan to yell and scream at the end of the day regardless how well or not it goes TODAY.
That's a lot of stress build up even if you don't see it. Since you're dealing with a child, think of it that way. A child that is trying to manipulate you, any way they can, to get what they want.
Remember that you know best what is right for you and your family. Remember you are the "lucky" one that kept your sanity and your kids are very lucky that's the case.
No matter what else happens, it gets better from today forward. No more limbo. No more wondering what you are going to do. That's forward momentum and you'll do very well with it, I have no doubt.
You didn't ask for it. It's not what you wanted. While you cannot change it, you can minimize the damage to you and the kids, and the time to do that is right here and right now.
You can lick your wounds later, if there are any right?
Boy oh boy. I hope God has something good in store for me down the road because I for one think I have earned it!!!
Oh, He does. He always takes care of His. Could be a while before you see it, but He always does take care of His. It'll be there
Let us know how it goes.
AJ
No word yet? Thinking of u :-)
At the courthouse waiting for my attorney. I am shaking. I don't know what I am so scared about. Nothing bad is going to happen to me today. I called my counselor for guidance. He told me that H is just angry and looking to get his way by using any method he can. I feel so sick. I wish it was over.
I guess I am scared that the judge is going to make me move out and take away my access to the money. Maybe I am scared H will try to take the kids from me. I dunno. My lawyer has a plan. I trust my lawyer and my counselor and God. I just pray the judge is fair.
W, H,
Don't have time to read everything right now but the last post. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Breathe, breathe , breathe. Or maybe try to think of something funny. That helps me sometimes.
rH
wishing,
Trust your lawyer...he will fight for you. No one in their right mind is going to put you on the street come February 1st.
Breathe! Stay calm and do not get overly emotional in the room. This is now a business deal that needs to be addressed, set your emotions aside and go into that room ready to fight for what is rightfully yours and your children's.
Your h is a PIA and is angry because he can't get everything his way and yes, he will use every underhanded scheme he can, but I believe that things will be okay.
Breathe!
Absolutely right ^^^ Remember this is his issue. He's like a teen that is trying to get his way and is trying to hurt "mom".
I dunno, I think some of the emotions are coming from the part of this being a defining moment. The action part of it all.
That said, the rational part of your brain knows that you have him by the short hairs. The only way he can try to defend is to attack. He is not worried about the truth - he is focused on hurting you and will do anything to achieve that goal.
He is in a very weak position, WH. Relax. You've done the work, now stay out of the way of the results. They will be what they are, and you'll deal with them as they come. But I honestly think you'll walk away much better off than you can imagine. With any luck, the judge won't allow him to return to your house today
Focus on you and your kids. You would do anything for them right? Right. Now do so and you can deal with the rest once you and they are out of harm's way.
AJ
Well it's done. I'm still in the house and I'm not going anywhere. Judge said I can stay put and that it would do the kids more harm than good. And that it would cost more money to live apart than to live together. So nothing has changed except now Mondays and Tuesdays are my days and Wednesdays and Thursdays are his days and we alternate weekends. That being said I don't interfere with his time and he doesn't interfere with mine. That also being said on my weekends he cannot keep me from traveling to see my family. I asked the judge and he said if it my weekend H cannot prevent me from traveling out of state. Now we have that settled, I am taking the kids to see my mom this weekend. H is ticked off. Majorly ticked off. He didn't get anything he requested. Not one thing.
In fact once we got home he wanted to have a "discussion" with me. He continued to berate me about how much money I am spending and How I am putting us into bankruptcy. Also how he is not working overtime anymore not because he can't, but because he won't. His exact words "our budget cannot support us working overtime." So that's his choice, right? That's his decision right?
Then H's attorney cross-examined me and asked me couldn't I move in with a friend who lives 45 minutes from here? Really? They expect me to impose on my friend who only has 2 bedrooms? Where are my kids supposed to stay? How am I supposed to get them to school? Then H has the nerve to tell me that it was not his idea to have me move out. That was all the attorney's idea. Bull!!
Of course nothing is his fault, this was not his idea, he never wanted any of this etc., etc.
H is now boiling angry. I also refused to sign the mediation papers so we are letting the court do a study and decide. It felt good to make that decision. I went with my gut and I feel relief.
It's gonna be a long haul. The fun is just beginning.
But you did it!!!! And, u are still alive!!
Thank you for the inspiration and validation that God does take care of us all!! I needed that reminder today :-)
Heather
Yes God is good. He took care of me and my kids today. I could just cry. He judge almost ordered H to control the checking account and to pay all the bills and I would still have access to the money but I would get $300 "mad money". The judge said at the last minute "no...no I am not ordering anything with the finances. They are adults. They need to make this work."
So God has provided well for me. I am not going anywhere anytime soon. H is ticked. OW will be ticked as well. H even defended her before by saying "that woman who you hate so much has been a Godsend of support". Whatever. How dare he defend her to me. What an ass.
This is gonna get really interesting.
Be careful what you wish for though... He is going to be a complete ass for a while. Pretty much until he can't take it anymore. Or put another way, until he gets tired of trying to make your life miserable. He'll try though. So this is where it gets down to brass tacks, right? This is where you need to put on your game face and be sweet, kind, compassionate and firm.
If he follows any kind of pattern, he'll boil for a few days while he formulates a plan to irritate you so much you feel compelled to leave. Fight fire with water. The angrier he gets, the sweeter you become. The more he tries to make things miserable, the more you make it pleasant.
I had to do similar with my ex. I remember right after she said she wanted a divorce (surprised me then too because we were getting along great; manipulation) she told me we were all going down to her parents for Easter. I said no. She got mad and said she was moving out of the bedroom to the spare room. I helped her move
She couldn't put up with that very long. A few months, but they were long months. I was as nice as could be. Pleasant, but distant and firm. My other choice was to get angry, but I saw no point. There were some good times in there too, but it was tough at first.
You can do it. If he wants out, let him leave. If he wants to be angry, leave the room. If he wants to make things difficult, embrace the suck and GAL. It works out very well and you get the gift of a clear conscience regardless of what he does.
Smart judge. You got a good lawyer and a good judge although I would have made the H move out and pay for the house of possible. The judge will always side with the best interest of the kids. Remember that. That story isn't over yet
Peace,
AJ
The judge almost did have H move out. The judge said since H is the one who is gone more then be should be the one to move out. H's attorney said however that he is trying to refinance so he can't leave the house if he's trying to refinance. So the judge said good point.
Oh yes H told the judge that I intentionally hit his car after an argument and then laughed about it. Funny how stories can get twisted. At least the judge isn't making me pay the deductible. H is supposedly getting a bonus this month so he will use that to get the car fixed. Fine with me.
I'm not much of a fan of karma, but that makes a strong argument
Be well WH. Make plans to take care of you.
AJ
I am. No one else is looking after me. H's interest in the kids will falter sooner or later. I need to outlast him. I need to believe and find peace.
Thanks for the good positive thoughts friends. Let's pray for peace and serenity for us all.
wishing,
I am very happy to read that the judge and your lawyer worked together to have you remain in the house. Well, it's going to be interesting in the weeks ahead. Your h is going to be one mad individual for quite some time. Watch your back. He'll be watching you, waiting for you to screw up or even try to set you up so that he can prove to the court that you are an unfit mother who likes to spend money.
The best advice that I can give you is to live your life as you have been, continue to pray and try to remain positive. Oh, you might also want to dig deeper for more patience and purchase a paid of ear plugs. He may fool all of us, but I do think he's going to be one mean and angry @ss for a while.
Take care and I'm very proud of you.
Thanks Snodderly. I intend to be on my best behavior. I even intend to track every dime I spend for the next few months. I am also keeping an eye on what H spends. Last night after giving me the speech about how we can't afford to live he comes home with an ink cartridge for the printer and two large bags of pizza rolls. Yeesh!!
It's gonna get really interesting. He's mad as a hatter. I am sure you will be hearing from me again soon.
Okay like worst day ever. I am driving to see my mother out of state and I get a flat tire. Luckily I am able to get safely off the road and I call 911 who connects me with the highway patrol. I get assistance but they cannot get the spare off because it is rusted on. So they call a tow company to assist after I had them talk to H because I thought he might have ideas to get the spare off. He doesn't of course. And then H proceeds to tell me that I have to pay for the tow truck and new tires from my own money or borrow from my mom because this is my car and it's not "marital". I said it's marital because we are married and the car is a marital asset. Oh no he says. Then I said well I guess I am stuck on the side of the road. So I used the credit card anyway. Heck with him. What a jerk.
I guess he'll make me pay it back when things are final. If they are ever final.
Hope your day gets better.
Was just catching up on your thread... whew but you've been through madness lately.
Hang in there!
wishing,
Are you okay? At this point in time, I wouldn't worry about charging the tow, etc. to the credit card. You were sitting on the side of the road and it wasn't safe for you or the car. If your h gives you a load of BS, point out the number of times he has spent marital funds on his fun and the ow. That should shut his trap right up. This is a car that no only you use, but your children ride in. As long as you are married and both names are on the title and insurance, it is considered marital assets. He is such an @ss.
I do hope that the rest of the weekend goes okay for you.
Thanks guys. I'm okay. Still ticked off. Then he demands to speak to the kids. I'll have them call when I am good and ready for them to call. Why should I do him any favors? He's a real jerk.
So he's gonna make things really ugly for me I see. I am not sinking to his level. Not gonna do it.
He's a real charmer. OW got herself a real prize. Wait until she's on the side of the road stuck with two scared children in the car.
I am worried that H is gonna start spending all the money and keep it from me? He said something about it being a "free for all" with the money. I am nervous because he is mad and capable of anything. I should put my trust in God and not give H my energy but I need strategies. Any advice?
Ps the kids do not want to talk to him. I don't have to make them do I?
Ps the kids do not want to talk to him. I don't have to make them do I?
You can't make them and if it is harmful to them, then they should not be in contact with him.
OTOH, you may not do anything to encourage a R with him, and in doing so you are covertly suggesting that they should not have a R with him.
You do want to talk with them and encourage with them to have the best R with him that they can, that it will be different than the R they had with him in the past.
Thanks KD.
I did ask S several times if he wanted to call his dad. He said he was playing or he was busy. And fwiw they did talk to their dad today. So it's not like they haven't been in contact. Sometimes a little conversation with them goes a long way. It's not harmful for them to talk with him but it gets to the point sometimes where they can't enjoy themselves without having to stop what they are doing and talk to their dad.
I know it's the wrong attitude but I keep wondering what I did to deserve this? It's not about me, I know that, but I am in his path.
W.H,
Try not to worry. Your H is acting like an a$$ because he is so pissed that he didn't get his way. My H also tried to use threats after I didn't go along with his plan.
You are protected financially because you've already been in front of a judge. If H tries to violate what has been decreed he could be in some very hot water.
Do not let him hoodwink you. Assets have not been separated yet, so yes the car is a marital asset.
He is so mad he's spinning and spitting and will say anything he thinks will get you to back down, worry, or threaten you. Don't let him see you sweat. Keep a record of these incidences.
The best thing you can do is stay under the radar. Do not contact him unless it has to do with finances or kids and make sure it's necessary when you do.
Let him whirl and twirl and hopefully he will eventually burn himself out. It's takes them a long time (if ever) to connect the dots that there are consequences for their choices.
Hang in there and keep track of things from a distance.
wishing,
Seeking answers is absolutely correct...your h is one mad hatter right now and it's all because he didn't get what he wanted. They will use threats to get you to bend to their will. If they sense even a little teeny weeny crack in your self confidence, they will take a crow bar and pry that little crack into a crater just to get their own way. They do not care about you or the children when they are like this. Their standard response is that the children will be okay and bounce back w/o any trouble. That's not the case.
Don't let this mad hatter see you sweat. Do what you need to do in order to survive and continue your lifestyle. Do not contact him again for anything except finances and the children. He's out for himself and no one else right now.
Give him all of the time and space that he needs so that he can choke on it. He needs to be swinging in the wind for a long time. Document everything he says or does that is not appropriate. Keep your journal hidden and in a safe place. You never know when you will need this info at a later date. Be sure to put the date, time, place in the documentation.
The journal is a very important thing to keep, WH. It may seem odd or overkill at times, but keep the records for later. It may never be needed or it may be needed a year or more down the road. Keep it concise. Courts, if they ask for this type of information, want it almost like a police report - just the facts and dates. No emotional input in the records you give them. It can be very handy later on if needed. I've had to do the same and while at first unpleasant has been very helpful.
What you are seeing is not uncommon, WH. It is also temporary, although temporary may have a long duration. It really is a matter of time before things change again. You will come through this and be very much on your feet.
Until then, take the high road every time. Remember your kids should have a relationship with their father even if at your expense. That's not about you or him, but about the kids. Encouraging them, and going overboard and forcing it are two different things. Please remember that as well.
This gift is not what you asked for and I doubt seriously you deserve it (you don't), but I assure you it will be seen as a gift by you before it's over. You are stronger than many and very smart. There is nothing to gain by facing him head on - this is his trip so stay off the crazy train.
Peace,
AJ
Wishing,
Just checked in. Had a weekend full of the flu at our house. D18 has a terrible case and we were at the ER today. She is doing much, much better now, but it was a long weekend.
It WILL get better. I call this my Cow Sh!t Story. When things get really bad, I think back to this infamous day in my life which ended with me being covered in cow sh!t.
Last year, around this time, I left a counseling session where H told me how little he thought of me and ever possible reason why and how he wanted me out of his life forever. I had no job, no income, a child with special needs and a million other obstacles.
I was heartbroken. Left the counseling session to arrive home and find D17 and her boyfriend had been in a fender bender in our car. D17's boyfriend fixed the broken wheel well using a drill and those plastic strip ties. Wonderful! Then, I learned that H's dog had run away. This was a geriatric dog who was deaf and blind and it was a terribly cold, winter day.
So, in my incredibly scattered and weary frame of mind, I proceeded to drive around the neighborhood and walk through corn fields in the dark clapping loudly for hours and hours. The geriatric dog could only hear claps so we had a neighborhood of people out clapping (minus H of course--who was too busy to help).
Anyway, we live in a rural area and I was driving in a corn field after someone said they had spotted our dog in this field. I got stuck about a mile into the field. I got stuck in cow poop. Cow Manure. All I could do was laugh.
The farmer had just covered his fields in a a few tons of cow poop and that's where I got stuck. I called H and he didn't answer the phone. I was covered in cow poop from head to toe by the time I got home. It was a great day!!
The moral is... The dog was found, the car unstuck...H was a jerk and still is and who knows what will happen with his MLC/pot-addled brain, but, on that day I had neighbors and friends come out of the woodwork to help me find the dog and get unstuck. Strangers helped me and the kids when my H wouldn't.
The world is full of good people who can see the fact from the crap and will help make a bad situation better if you ask for help. The truth will always rise to the surface and you will be OK.
It will be OK. Breathe.
Heather
Honestly, the cow-[censored] story is going to stay with me a long time, you know that Heather?
AJ
OMG guys you are the greatest!!! Yes I am keeping a journal and have been for almost a year. I document everything from the time H gets home to what we eat for dinner. If I don't have the journal I keep notes on my phone and transfer them. I started keeping all my receipts so the courts can see exactly what I am spending and what I am spending it on. I have nothing to hide.
And Heather that is the most awful thing I have ever heard. Boy oh boy are you a wonderful person. Your H doesn't know how good he has it apparently.
So H calls me this morning and I brace myself for more spew. Surprisingly he suggests I stay with my mom another day. He says since I had such a horrible experience yesterday I should just relax and stay longer. Of course I immediately get suspicious. I tell him the kids have school and I have to work. He tells me to just take the day off and pull the kids out of school. I don't like doing that and I have taken a lot of time off lately for weather, holidays and court. So I made the decision to just come home anyway and go back for a longer trip next month when the kids have some time off school. H calls about 6 and asks where I am and I tell him I am almost home. He just says oh. I pick up the dog, get home, put stuff away, make dinner and get baths around and he calls and tells me he was "thinking" about coming home (this is about 8:30 pm) but decided that he would just come home in the morning. Like was there ever any doubt? What a surprise not.
I wonder what was his intention by trying to get me to stay at mom's another day? I don't believe he was just trying to be nice. There's always something motivating him.
I agree with Snodderly, this guy's gonna choke on his own vomit. Maybe the Tilt-a-Whirl switched gears for an instant. Whatever he's up to, rest assured it will only make u look better and he crazier. Let him hav at it.
Heather
wishing,
Document the conversation because you don't want him to turn it around later and say you suggested staying over an additional day and taking the kids out of school.
Start documenting because you may need this information down the road.
Glad you made it home and yes, I would be very leary of anything he does or suggests in the way of being nice. Mlcers tend to do nice things and then turn around and stab you in the back. Protect yourself at all costs.
Enjoy your day!
Yes I am reeling this morning. H came home and starting getting D ready for school. I said you know I am taking them to school today right? He said no, we are alternating. I said, no, I have Mondays and Tuesdays and you have Wednesdays and Thursdays. He looked pissed. So I went downstairs and warmed up some leftover pancakes and sausage for the kids. He said since when do you cook breakfast for the kids? I said I make sure they eat something every morning whether it's fruit, granola bars, cereal or something. He just kept saying over and over how amazed he was. I wanted to say yes, because you never make then breakfast, but I kept my mouth shut. Then D told him we fed some of the ham to the dog and threw the rest out. Be was angry and told me we could have f'ed our family with that. I said it was two weeks old and not edible. He asked where the tupperware was and I said it was in the dishwasher. He said I want to make sure it gets back to the better person.
Oh I can't make this stuff up.
No, you can't make this stuff up. It's evident he doesn't listen or should I say, comprehend what he's been told. It's evident that he hasn't paid attention to the fact that you do feed your children in a very healty manner. As for the ham, I don't blame you...it's two weeks old and it's time to toss it out. If he was so darn concerned about eating it, he should have eaten it himself. As for the tupperware getting back to the better person...that was just a stab to get you to take the bait.
I'm sorry he's still at it, but you are doing well. Keep the journal for your own protection.
Yep. But if you could make it up, what would you say? Anything nearly as funny and...weird?
Good for you not taking the bait. Keep in mind he is in a galaxy far far away. He likely won't remember these things at a later date and will deny them to his dying breath. That's an alien that's taken over.
Keep that in mind as he baits you. It's not you, it's not him, it's somebody else in your H's body and clothes
AJ
WH, if memory serves I think you said your H's L advertises that they protect fathers rights? My H I think probably hàve the same L. Is it C & C? If. So they just take a sh!t load of money but provide nothing.
He has to
be able to prove the violence before any judge in hîs right mind will kîck yoû àndd the kîdss out in less than a month.
Sorry for the typing am on à tablet ànd ît suçk$.
Hañg iñ.
Hi Caigy72.
Yes, H's attorney is C&C. I have heard several negative comments about them from all sources. I interviewed four attorneys before I chose mine and I do not regret my decision. His attorneys are idiots because they believe everything H says.
Thanks also AJM. And you are right. Remember the issue he had with the bank statements? He hasn't mentioned them once since. Just like how he railed at me Saturday and then Sunday was nice as pie.
He's not gonna be happy either when he realizes that Wednesdays are his evenings with his girlfriend and now he has to take care of the kids. Plus if he is home tonight and tomorrow he can't see OW until next Monday because his days are Wednesday and Thursday and this is his weekend. And remember the kids can't be around her per court order.
Oh I see a tantrum coming on.
wishing,
It's not that his lawyers believe him, but they go along w/the program of what the client wants and they see $$$ when an mlcer comes in. They most likely have advised him of what he can and can't do, but because he's the client, they go ahead and do it because of the billable hours. My xh's lawyer tried to get him to do the right thing, but the client's wishes factor largely into the equation. She turned his case over to another lawyer so that she didn't have to deal w/him any longer.
There are a number of lawyers out there that should be smacked on the wrists for what they do for money, but money talks.
I think your h is going to have more than a tantrum. He is going to be sorely pissed about the schedule and you know what? Too d@mn bad! Just be prepared for whatever he might throw at you.
I know where he should put the ham.
Ham? You know when my H feels cornered and "revealed" for who really is, he gets ugly and mean. Sounds like yours does the same. Sometimes it helps me to imagine H as one of the kids,then I can detach better. The fun part is, at least with my H, is he always unravels into some bizarre tirade that clearly shows his mental state.
Hang in, you're doing great. I know how hard it is to keep quiet when every button is getting pushed.
Much Love,
Heather
Thanks everyone. I will need a lot of perseverance and strength to make it through the remaining months. I hope this doesn't become a daily routine for him to knock me whenever he gets the opportunity. I am trying to detach and not focus on him but it is hard when he is in my face and just being nasty and then smile as he is spitting in my face. My friends tell me I need to move forward and I am trying, but there is only so much I can do. I do not want to settle just to get it done and then have regrets.
I just cannot believe the nerve of this guy. Please keep me all in your prayers. He is doing everything he can to bait me into a fight so he can prove to everyone what a bad mom I am. I hope this all comes back to bite him.
I am finding it harder and harder to have any sympathy for him or to not believe he knows exactly what he is doing.
wishing,
He may be demented with mlc, but he knows exactly what he is doing. I'm afraid he's going to be in your face until he gets what he wants. He's like a 2 yr old trying to get his way w/mommy. As a tot, he will try and try to wear you down until you give in. Please don't do it. Every time he comes at you, pray. Prayer is a strong and powerful tool and will help you get through his spewing.
Your h knows what buttons to push in order to get you to give in. Change those buttons now. Show this man that you are strong and independent and will not be thrown down and walked all over.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks, Snodderly. But that is easier said than done. I just keep praying. Like AJ said, I don't know why I am going through this test, but this is the road I am on.
It reminds me of the time H and I took an anniversary trip to a state park and decided to go trail hiking. There are cliffs at this state park and it just so happens that this trail was the steepest, highest trail in the park, but I had no idea and I had sandals on. By the time I figured out that the trail only got steeper and higher it was too late to turn back. H kept saying let's turn around but I told him the way down would be harder than the way up. The more he persuaded me to turn around the faster I climbed up the trail to the point where I left him behind and he couldn't keep up. The faster I climbed the angrier I got but also more determined too. I remember at one point another couple was coming back down and said that we weren't even halfway there. I wanted to give up, but refused to back down. I kept going. Eventually, we reached the top. I was exhausted and angry but I enjoyed the view and I was proud of myself for doing it.
Right now I am exhausted. I want to move on with my life. I want my kids and I want H gone. But I need to do what will work for me in the long run. I cannot be short sighted about this. I have only myself to lean on. No one else will do this for me.
Here are some Al-Anon slogans that have helped me through dark days. There are days where I simply repeated one slogan, over and over and over and over and over... Hope it helps.
Easy Does It
This Too Shall Pass
Keep it Simple
Let Go and Let God
Live and Let Live
Think (Before I say it, is it...
Thoughtful.
Honest.
Insightful.
Necessary.
Kind.
What if everyone just added more mantras that have helped them along the way?
You know those simple sayings that keep you standing when you life is hitting so hard.
Heather
Ah, yes. I was re-reading my post and I may have given the wrong impression. While I believe he may not remember it later, he DOES know what he is doing to you.
Still wondering what you would have made up if you were controlling that puppet? Just for fun
Hang in there WH. It's steep right now, but it gets easier the view is worth it.
AJ
So H comes home and D wants to go to the store with dad to buy more stuff for her Easy Bake oven. He says we can go if it's okay with mom. I say of course it's okay. I'm not about "my day" his day crap. Kids need both parents parenting together. I only hope when "his day" comes around he is as considerate and thoughtful but I'm not holding my breath. Its not easy taking the high road but at least I have a clear conscience.
He even picked up some saline for me, God love him. Lol! Maybe I should make him do the shopping since I tend to spend too much money. That would be interesting.
Another evening gone by. Little spew. I let him have time with the kids because I am the better person whether he believes that or not. It feels better being this way. I won't get this behavior in exchange, but that's his problem to live with not mine.
H also bought a new camcorder. Lol. I suppose he is going to say it's for work? I can't buy tires but he can get a camcorder? Oh he's spinning all right. He's digging himself a hole. I'm gonna give him a bigger shovel.
Heather suggested mantras. That is funny, because I have a new one. To help remind me to just keep letting go, and letting stuff continue to happen. Whenever X does stuff that bothers me, I say to myself, inside my head, to him: "Have a nice rest of your life wthout me...." And that somehow reminds me that I haqve NO CONTROL over him.
Hang in there!
H was around this morning and tried to pick a fight again and I just walked away. I hate how he tries to get the kids all riled up in the morning. He used to leave for work before I got the kids ready for school and now he is around like bad news. I know it's good for the kids but it confuses D. D slept in her own bed but didn't sleep well. Neither did I. It's gonna be a long day needless to say.
Fight the good fight every moment right?
Hang in there! He's trying to rile the kids up so that you'll snap. He really is not a happy camper and he wants you just as miserable as he is.
Try to have a pleasant day and know that your children are safe, loved and fed properly by you.
It's hard taking the high road. What he's doing is not right. It's not fair. Others see that. I see that. But I cannot control him. He needs to know there is someone bigger and stronger. In this case it's the court. Only the court can control him apparently because he does not even have control over himself.
Some days I wish I could just run away. Does that mean I'm having a MLC too? Lol!
No, you aren't having an MLC! You are still very sane and know right from wrong. What you are experiencing is very normal.
Yes, the court is the only one that can knock your h down a few pegs, but even the court will have difficulty w/him.
Try to enjoy your day.
You are doing GREAT! This is incredibly stressful and he is provoking u at every turn. EASY DOES IT. This will all b a terrible, but empowering memory some day. Saying all this to myself as much as to you. :-)
We can do this! I'm trying to remember, I can let go and let God handle all this. I can't do this alone.
U r awesome!!
Heather
WH, what is the camcorder for?
Just out of curiosity, have you seen it since he bought it?
AJ
Thanks, Heather and Snodderly.
Like I have said before, I am my own worst enemy. I worry and worry. My mom is the same way. We worry if we don't have anything to worry about.
So the next five days will be interesting. He will be around because it's his time with the kids. I plan on doing some things on my own this weekend. I need to watch the money too. So maybe I will go to the library and I have some gift cards I can use. I don't want to be gone too much because I am afraid he will use that against me.
I guess my fear is if custody is going to be determined by a GAL and a judge I am scared of doing the wrong thing and him painting this picture of me as an unfit mother. For instance, I have a friend who is having a birthday get together this Friday. If I go, will he turn it around that I went to the bar instead of being home with my kids? That's what I am worried about. Needlessly worrying, probably. But I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay. : (
Yeah, what's the camcorder for? Sounds fishy?
Not sure what the camcorder is for. I saw it for the first time last night. It is new. He let the kids play with it last night and then all of a sudden got really funny about them "playing" with it. I asked him if he got a new phone and he said no, it's just a mini camcorder. I am "assuming" he bought it for his work, but IDK. When you guys asked I immediately got suspicious and thought he was planning on taping me or something. But then again, he has video on his cell phone so why would he bother spending money on a camcorder? He is always doing weird, sneaky things. For all I know he could have bought it for our local daycare since he is on the board for that.
I feel like I have to be on my toes at all times. This is exhausting!
wishing,
My radar has gone up. I could be wrong, but he may have bought it just to have it around, but it could also be that he wants to get under your skin w/it. You know it's there, therefore, you may become a bit anxious w/it being there, just knowing he could very well be recording your every move, as well as the children's. I hope he doesn't plan on coaching the children to say and do things that will put you in a negative light. Another thing that crossed my mind, maybe he's going to video your home on the "off" days when you've not straightened up?
He's one of the sneakiest men I know and I honestly don't trust him and I sure as h@ll wouldn't put anything by him at this point in time.
So should I worry? What should I do? My guard is up. I don't know what he is capable of, but I am sure he is up to no good. I can't be perfect all the time.
he has video on his cell phone so why would he bother spending money on a camcorder?
Ummmm....because he wants to leave the camcorder set up at home to record you secretly when he's not there? Or because he's making sex tapes with the OW?
Or maybe he's just a typical techy guy who wants to make some good quality home videos of the kids. Who knows?
At this point, I wouldn't worry one bit about it. You have nothing to hide or worry about. You are a good mother. Him bringing it in the home has already done it's job...it's got you worrying over it...step back, remain calm and don't let him see you sweat.
Be yourself and don't even try to be perfect.
Ohhhh...a light bulb just went off. He claimed in court that I was sneaking into his room and going through his things. I bet THAT is what the camcorder is for to catch me in the act. I gave up the snooping thing long ago. I have all the evidence I need. Besides I don't need to snoop. H leaves stuff out in the open half the time.
And @ KML the sex tape thing?? EWWWWWW!!!
I immediately thought sex tape
I shouldn't hav mentioned it, no extra worries. U know he prob had some elaborate plan that he will never act out. More than likely, even he doesn't hav a clear idea of what to do with it. Just something to get under ur skin. My H brings new meaning to the word "lazy"."
You should bring in a bag of tech stuff and leave it on the counter. A tape recorder, label maker, He!! Even a blow dryer would scare him at this point! Totally inappropriate but it'd b so easy to fu-cc with him. The guy sounds like he is terrified and working off of pure adrenalin. U may not believe it, but u r the stronger person, wayyyyyy stronger. Don't let his antics get to u. Omg! A shovel!! Buy a new shovel and leave it in the kitchen!!!! Just be vague--- "oh, that, yeah, I hav some stuff to dig!!! If only the jids weren't in the house, we could hav so much fun with this sad, sick man.
Heather
HA! You are funny Heather. Too funny. He'd be ticked if I bought a shovel because we have a perfectly good shovel at the house. I should start doing things just to mess with his head. Not mean things, just different. Like look how I made pancakes and sausage yesterday and I thought his head would explode he was so baffled!!! I am interested to know how he will handle breakfast tomorrow. French toast? Eggs benedict? LOL. Of course, he'll leave the mess for me.
And I know H well enough to know that when he is threatened he attacks. He is sneaky and conniving and underhanded. Oh, but yes he still cares about me very much. So much that he wants to continue to control my life even after we are divorced. I don't think so, Scooter.
You are right. He is scared. And he's like a caged animal. I am worried that if now we have a guardian ad litem appointed he may try to get full custody. I am second guessing myself now. And I need to stop!
Stop. I was going there last night. Deal with today. Breathe.
Last night, I tried to get honest about what was underneath all of the fear about the OW and our marriage not working out. I stopped obsessing when I realized how scared I've been and how some old hurts are reappearing and messing me with me now.
Stay in the NOW. Your kids are with you, you are living in the house, today, none of those bad things have happened.
Love,
Heather
P.S. I still think a new shovel would be fun. Or maybe a pick axe :-)
Um, that was what I was thinking:
Ohhhh...a light bulb just went off. He claimed in court that I was sneaking into his room and going through his things. I bet THAT is what the camcorder is for to catch me in the act. I gave up the snooping thing long ago. I have all the evidence I need. Besides I don't need to snoop. H leaves stuff out in the open half the time.
as well. It wouldn't surprise me if he leaves something out as "bait" as well to try and catch you at something sneaky and confirm his suspicions about your nefarious activities. And cape. And shiny socks.
I doubt the rest of the ideas. I think he is very consumed by the outcome of the recent events and not getting his way. The sex tapes and such? I'm guessing he is so consumed by his anger and the pressure of living with a monster like you (sic) that he's consumed about getting supporting "evidence".
That was my first thought. I've heard of others that have done that too. Too much TV I think.
I suggest just being you, not snooping (what would be the point) and being calm, cool, poised, and gracious. And pretty.
AJ
My fear stems from not having my kids. They are my life. I live, breathe and sleep for my kids. That may not be healthy, but I have wanted kids my entire life and I waited until I thought I was settled and stable enough to take care of them. I married someone I thought was settled and stable. It makes me angry that he is backing out of our marital deal and our kids have to pay the price. I never wanted this for them. It's not fair to them. And for him to say he deserves them 50% of the time enrages me. It has nothing to do with me being the "mother" and him being the "father". It all has to do with what is coming from the heart. And I guess to me if I can get them more than 50% of the time then it is worth the time and aggravation. I need to keep my eyes on the prize.
I need to take things one day at a time. One moment at a time. Lord knows what H will do, good or bad. After all he did give me "permission" to stay with my mother one more day. LOL!
A pick axe? Oh Lord, he would be climbing the walls if I brought that home. I brought home a marshmallow shooter a few weeks ago and he was threatened by that!!! You would think a teenager would like that sort of thing.
Um, that was what I was thinking:
Ohhhh...a light bulb just went off. He claimed in court that I was sneaking into his room and going through his things. I bet THAT is what the camcorder is for to catch me in the act. I gave up the snooping thing long ago. I have all the evidence I need. Besides I don't need to snoop. H leaves stuff out in the open half the time.
as well. It wouldn't surprise me if he leaves something out as "bait" as well to try and catch you at something sneaky and confirm his suspicions about your nefarious activities. And cape. And shiny socks.
I doubt the rest of the ideas. I think he is very consumed by the outcome of the recent events and not getting his way. The sex tapes and such? I'm guessing he is so consumed by his anger and the pressure of living with a monster like you (sic) that he's consumed about getting supporting "evidence".
That was my first thought. I've heard of others that have done that too. Too much TV I think.
I suggest just being you, not snooping (what would be the point) and being calm, cool, poised, and gracious. And pretty.
AJ
LOL! AJM you are so wise. : )
Yes, I am sure the camcorder is to catch me sneaking in his room. He also demanded I give him the key to "his" car and he bought the file cabinet with the lock on it. So he is worried that I will find something. But I already know what is going on. He wonders how I know so much about what is going on, but it isn't from snooping. It's from him leaving out information where I have access to it. I remember whenever he would buy me a gift I would always find out what it was before he gave it to me. I never snooped. He would leave the receipt in the passenger seat of the car. He would have the gift delivered to the house while I was home. He would drop hints that were less than subtle and wonder how I caught on. Let's just say he's 5 beers short of a 6-pack.
wishing,
You are so right about one thing, they have ways of telling on themselves and snooping by us isn't always necessary.
Hang in there and do not let him see you sweat!
I'm hanging on by a thread. H is trying to create doubt within me. I need to stop doubting and start trusting my instincts.
H told S that tomorrow he was taking them sledding. Ahem, S has a counseling session tomorrow night. That's not gonna work. H also told D he would take her to the store tonight since her new Teddy bear has a tear in it. Ahem, S has a soccer game tonight. I am starting to think he doesn't realize the words that he is saying. I don't believe he is processing things.
Not my problem but if that's the case I wonder how that's going to affect the kids?
Wow this thread went fast. Guess it's time to start another.
And for him to say he deserves them 50% of the time enrages me.
Believe me when I tell you this, it could be much worse - he could want nothing to do with them. Imagine how the kids would feel then if daddy abandoned them. Don't let your kids become pawns or take out your anger through them. It's not fair. It's maddening. It s*cks. But think it through about what is best for your kids long-term. You want the best for them.
I know how you feel. I've been there. But step back and think about what you want for your kids given the situation as it is. You'll be glad you did.
Peace,
AJ
I just feel that once he gets the 50% he will be gone and they will be with OW. That's not good for them. That's my gut. It's not that I do not want them with their dad. He's never been around unless he "feels" like being a dad. It's gotten worse over the last two years.
And yes it's best he wants them rather than abandons them. But I don't think it's good for them to be shuffled back and forth.