It's been many years now since X walked out w/OW. So much has happened.
As my sig shows, X's OW dumped him as soon as things got real. He then had an accident, nearly died, and got involved with a new woman who is very ill.
New Woman has now been given one month to live now, according to X. X has not had much happiness for a long time.
I have had happiness with New Guy, his girls, and my D. I struggled considerably on my own, more than I realized in some ways, but I have made it a point to be grateful for the many blessings in my life. I rebuilt my life and it is not perfect, but there are many, many good things and I am fortunate to have blessings like these.
I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't still like an apology, or to know why, or to somehow feel validated by X as a good wife and good person--to know that the long time we spent together mattered. I don't think I will ever have that acknowledgement, but I am more accepting of that uncertainty now.
And...all that matters less now. I am focused on the future w/New Guy, seeing our beautiful Ds grow up, and appreciating what life has had to offer. Simple things matter more to me now.
X lurks in the shadows, preoccupied w/New Woman and her tragedy. I have felt sad for her, but more so for our daughter, who very much needs his attention. X has improved w/parenting some. Otherwise, he is pretty much a lost soul. I feel sorry for him but do not confuse love and pity.
Thanks forward, very thought provoking post. None of us know what the future holds, there are so many possible futures that could play out and you just gave me a glimpse of one.
I find it very sad that the destruction continues on years later with your daughter still suffering from her dads choices and actions. And that your X who I am sure you once held dear to your heart is still lost, still not able to acknowledge or validate you, and stuck in an unhappy life.
I am so glad to hear that you have found happiness yourself. That's just wonderful. It does show that happiness comes from the work you do within yourself and learning to be grateful for the small things every day. And focussing on the future rather than the past.
I wish you and your D and your new man lots of positive vibes
I can only hope that I can move on like you did Forward. You are an inspiration to me. I really feel for your D, and hope your X comes out of the hole before he loses her completely.
Forward, I have a question for you. I am the one who left, I am the one who filed for D. I have been D again, I was the one who was left this time. Going through this has finally put me in the position my first wife was in years ago and I have had thoughts of contacting her to acknowledge that and apologize. That said, I am mindful of putting her through the pain all over again. I assume she has gotten over it to a good degree by now. From what I now she has remarried and has a child on the way. If you can take a look at my post and let me know what you think. Should I contact her and apologize? Important point: I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart who my first wife was always very sensitive about, always wondering if I loved her as much as I loved the high school sweetheart....
My post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2307883&page=1
Forward, I have a question for you. I am the one who left, I am the one who filed for D. I have been D again, I was the one who was left this time. Going through this has finally put me in the position my first wife was in years ago and I have had thoughts of contacting her to acknowledge that and apologize. That said, I am mindful of putting her through the pain all over again.
I think if you feel sorry then you should tell her. It may momentarily remind her of the pain, but in the long run it will help both of you.
Nice to hear from you Forward, I was just thinking to myself about closure and about 3 years ago I took it up with my counsellor. And she couldn't understand what I meant. But I've just realised that somehow I got/had closure on it, it's like its just came out of the ether. So I no longer need any words or letter from the Ex wife.
Love
Delboy
4311, I read your sitch and I guess I'd say "It depends."
When you say that you loved your W but weren't in love with her, well, she wouldn't want to hear that. She doesn't want to hear that 15 years were a mistake. But she doesn't want to hear that you miss her, either.
What she wants to hear is that you valued the time with her, that you loved her then (you did, didn't you?) and that you are sorry you treated her the way you did.
And she doesn't want this to be about YOU. This isn't about YOU clearing the air to feel better about yourself and then suddenly pour your heart out to her about your recent lost love. A simple apology, and then not a lot more. Assuming she's moved on, you don't need to complicate her feelings just to feel better yourself.
It sounds as though you need to reconcile practicalities of love with the romantic feelings. People get bored with each other and say they are not "in love," but I think that you do indeed choose to love.
It depends on your R with your first XW. If she still holds animosity towards you, then I wouldn't. When you D'd her, how did you treat her? Was she begging to have you back but you blew her off? If so, then I wouldn't say anything.
The New Woman passed away. X is, at least for the present 10 minutes, by himself. He is also due for another surgery.
I notice that he pays more attention to D, which is good to see. I figure he might look for ways out of spending time w/D when he meets a new girlfriend.
D has said things to me like "Daddy said you didn't clean enough." It angers me that he's saying such things, but I think I need to tell her these are adult topics that she doesn't need to hear. She has a lot of child fantasies that we'd get back together...when I think about it now, I realize it was better that we did split up.
X is not a friend, more like someone I used to know now, a casual acquaintance. I don't have any emotional attachment and the primary emotion I have with him is annoyance. I'd help him if he needs help, but in general, I prefer to avoid him.
I have tried hard to learn from this past marriage. I've learned to try to ask for what I want so I don't become resentful.
New Guy and I are going strong, although I've been down with a couple of illnesses lately. Looking forward to a good 2013.
Very sorry to hear of his loss. It's a shame that he has not realized what he is doing to D and how to help her. Hopefully he has a chance going forward...
I've learned to try to ask for what I want so I don't become resentful.
Silver lining, no?
for those who have been through the mill with this, as I have....
I am over X. And I am in a good R.
But every now and then I find myself remembering, not X, but the pain of his abandoning me.
New Guy does understand these things but I am wondering if others have felt this way at times. I feel as if I am still healing in that capacity.
Yes. I do sometimes remember that pain.
I don't think it's a bad thing to remember. It's a bad thing to fixate or obsess. But not to remember the pain and then get on with your day.
AJ
I'm engaged to New Guy! It is exciting...perhaps a bit overwhelming as this will be a busy year, moving, etc..
I didn't share this w/X. I had mentioned last year that this would probably happen, but no need to say anything now, until we have wedding date. X is scheduled for another surgery and sounds sad. He again seems to not be able to escape from my presence quickly enough and he doesn't answer some of my emails. I don't know what's going on with him but find that I tend to think of his negative qualities when I think of him.
I'm finding that the idea of M again is a little intimidating. I shared this w/New Guy, and he understands. What makes it different is that his M was hard from beginning--whereas mine had an abrupt end and a lot of grieving.
I have also shared with New Guy the pain of being abandoned--the pain of feeling that it was somehow my fault. At the same time, while I do think about that, I realize that I spent a good three years alone and I did pretty well. I worked hard in those three years, making new friends and trying new things, and was proud of my independence.
I am on here probably too long, but coming here is a bit of a habit and I do follow people's stories. I kind of want to see what happens to the MLCs
I suppose I'm not really a success story in the way that most people who are here want to be, but sometimes the success you get isn't what you expect.
sometimes the success you get isn't what you expect.
Amen!!!
Congratulations, girlfriend! You and New Guy both deserve a loving marvelous marriage
Ellie
This is the success I hope for now. Congratulations!
I don't want to discourage newbies here. I think that DBing is important. Give it your best. You will not regret trying your hardest, regardless of the outcome.
Forward,
I think this is a valuable post. FWIW, I had two thoughts when I read your post.
1) re the kids and damage. Your xh, unfortunately is still doing harm to your d. He's STILL justifying leaving you. Maybe she asked him or prompted the statement and I guess, I hope so.
Otherwise he's so way out of line even now, that he is a lost cause. But I urge you to take d to a counselor now & then to see how she is coping. You never know what lurks underneath.
I assumed that with the recon my h and I had, my kids would be all on board. At the time I think they were.
But these days, they seem irritated at h a lot. He feels alienated too. And that makes it worse.
SO I think they had resentments and their own pain to deal with and it's as if I didn't realize, "they were NOT at Retrovaille" with h and me. Only he and I were there.
This seems obvious now, but until several months ago, I thought that whatever forgiving I had done, would "trickle" down or filter to them If it was not already there.
My mistake. This is not a crisis for us but it is a reminder that we assume things about our children that are not always true. So I guess I'm saying, just stay in touch with her about it.
Any chance your ex h would attend some/few counselling sessions with your d?
Might be worth a try??
2) Second, I saw two of my sisters abandoned by h's. The youger sister, without kids, never having worked, and m for 13 years, fell apart. Just "lost it". She still has no insight into why her h left, even now. Enough said.
My older sister had been m for 22 years, had 3 kids, and worked full time through the marriage, as a nurse. She put her h thru law school. Her h frequently got melancholy and irritable. He was smart and witty, but moody and brooded a lot. Rarely did he look inward for solutions; there were too many "external factors" to blame, in his eyes. So he left her, presumbly for OW...my sister was deeply wounded by his betrayal.
When he left her, even though I knew she was SO SAD, I also knew that someday, down the line, he would regret it
AND she'd be happier without h. Truly, I felt he was essentially doing her a favor, although in a really sh1tty way, if you know what I mean. (And I'm sure you do). But I could not say it at the time. I just wondered, "how long before she knows he did her a favor?" The answer was, about 4 years, which was a year into her new m...fyi...
She handled it like a trouper. She had been the giver in the m, from pretty much everyone's viewpoint including her inlaws. They loved her and stayed close to her too. they were disappointed in their son, to say the least.
So finally she meets a new man who "gets" her. And treats her really well. No not everything is perfect, but she is happier in the m, than she ever would have been in her first m. I mean that.
My point was something about the apology. A month before her new marriage, her x h called her to say "FYI, this is just to let you know that I know, it was MY fault we div'd. I f---ed up. And I wanted you to know that I get it now and I hope you finally have the happiness you deserve."
I think he meant it. I know HE married a woman HE describes as "high maintenance", so gee, maybe that's Karma...
in your xh's case, I do feel for the dying woman. But a part of me thinks your exh is into the "tragic nature of love" syndrome. Oh the drama, oh the pain...
REGARDLESS, my sister really appreciated hearing her x's words. It was a gift she deserved. Though she'll always feel bad for what the kids went thru, she's glad that she is where she is, with the man she's with now.
I wish you the best! AND please,
Keep posting!
25,
I wish I could get those words, as they would help me, but I'm not counting on it. My X is still kind of mean to me, and, I learned, was also rather mean to New Woman.
Well, I look at what I last wrote, and maybe it's not so true after all.
I was surprised that X actually thanked me for a favor that I did. Twice. Pretty amazing, given his disdainful and annoyed behavior over the past few years.
I also got an email that sounded lonely and was much more chatty than usual. I just respond as usual. I feel like I went through the "feeling sorry for him" thing in the past and don't want to get sucked into it again.
Life has been good to me and I have a lot of positive things happening lately.
I hope I'm not being too forward (a pun..boo), but the sympathy ship for XH probably sailed a long, long time ago. For the sake of this man (New Guy) who loves you enough to ask you to spend the rest of your life with him, avoid X as usual. If he is lonely now, he has nobody else to blame but himself. You are truly moving forward and it sounds wonderful. I hope to be in the good place you are in now in the coming years.
J.
JB, I do avoid X. New Guy deserves the best! There are ties when I can't avoid X, like at events for D, but generally I do not need to deal with him, which is fine by me.
I will generally feel sorry for X--various medical traumas I wouldn't wish on anyone. but I think it's important to learn that feeling sorry for someone doesn't mean you love that person. Or that you have to help or intervene.
I don't post here much because generally X is only a small part of my life now. But it can be helpful to following MLC stories over the years.
X slumps around. He looks very unhappy and it shows to others, who have commented. His medical situation is still bad.
He is somewhat better with D. He disappointed her badly a few months ago by not showing up for her event but did manage to show for other things lately.
We are reasonably polite to each other, but that's been pretty much it. I told him I was moving and getting married--no reaction. (Not that i want one, just observing.) He seems to have some awareness that our D has suffered, being in a broken home, but his actions are still passive and half-hearted from where I sit.
Forward have you prepared your daughter that after the move your ex might just fade away?
He seems to be in a major depressive funk and retreating from everyday stresses, not good in the long run.
I have to say that I feel sorrow for the choices your ex has made out of his life and still to this day. It must be hell on earth for him even though he doesn't recognizes it.
I wish you much happiness in your future nuptials and new family life.
I have not said anything to D; I would only discuss that with her if it actually happens.
I'm sure X is in a major depressive funk; I now realize that is pretty much his personality and I did know that from the beginning. My eyes are more open now.
No new GF has surfaced to take time away from D, and for that I am happy for D. I figure any day now someone new will pop up.
As far as me, I have been sick but I am working hard to move forward with new life w/New Guy. New Guy is very patient, which is very unlike X and I appreciate New Guy's patience and kindness. So far we are doing pretty well with the kids. But my D is very apprehensive.
I am not sure that we could have handled this situation any better, and I am proud that New Guy and I have been able to do that. We moved slowly and steadily and I think that's helped the kids. His kids gave me a mother's day card and I realized that each weekend we spend together has been good--low-key and generally peaceful.
Things are starting to solidify w new life. Dd is adjusting slowly.
X remains passive and depressed. I don't pay much attention to his life as Ian busy and happy.
I think x feels very sorry for himself indeed. I think he is one who will never really grow up or take responsibility for situation.
I've remarried--to New Guy.
We are settling in to our new life and all is well.
X isn't in my thoughts much at all any more. It gets better, people.
Sometimes I think X was always the way he was, and I just didn't see it at the time. Then I think maybe he's coming out of MLC a little. Regardless, the only reason I care is for D.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Congratulations! I hope that you, your d and your new h have a wonderful life together.
Congratulation Forward I wish you your daughter and husband the best out of life!. Best wishes.
Congratulations girl. You deserve it.
