I somehow logged out and could not retrieve any of my info. So, I am back with updates. My last post is as follows:
How do you stop thinking about your WAH/MLCER? With recent info, I am struggling to keep my mind clear. I woke up several times last night with a horrible stomachache from dreams about him. The thoughts and dreams are never good. I'm either thinking about him with OW or all the cruel things he has done. The girls and I never got any money from him. I don't know how he lives with himself. I know...they all just think about themselves, all the money they can spend and fun vacation life they are living. Meanwhile, we're here living reality, worrying about money and living everyday in pain.
I got to tell his Aunt(his deceased mother's sister) about her nephew today. She ran into my parents in the small town where we grew up. She asked my mom about us. Mom wasn't going to give up too much info. So, she called me. I felt obligated to call the Aunt and tell her everything. This woman is one of the sweetest person on this earth. She has a "Mrs. Claus" thing going. She was absolutely devastated to hear her nephew had completely changed into an entirely different person. She said his mom was turning over in her grave and she would be so hurt and disappointed in her son.
She was glad I told her because she had been worrying about us. She has been like everyone else in the family, in shock. I'm still in shock. Everyday I ask myself, "who is this man?" Since I think about him and the situation so much, I am trying to separate my husband from this man. I'm not going to let this man take away 28 years of happiness and love I had with my husband.
I would like to make it thru one day where I'm not worrying, thinking or crying over him. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Well, I kind of wish it on the man with my husbands name and the skanky tramp he's with. I want to stop being hurt, knowing they're together. That he's taking her on trips and buying her things. I want to stop worrying about how I'm going to pay for a lawyer, so my girls and I will have what we need. I feel like I will never be truly happy again. I will spend my life faking happiness for those around me.
Since I made this last post, things just seem to get worse everyday. My daughters are struggling and so am I. I'm waiting for papers to be served. My lawyer believes he is waiting until my OD turns 21 at the end of the month, so he won't have to pay anything for her. Unbelievable. She's in college and that is the age cut off for child support. She is so hurt and mad about this information. I found out thru credit card charges that he will be taking OW to Prague for Christmas. He says he wants a relationship with Ds, but won't stay in town to even try and see them. He sends nasty emails to me about money. He tries to put blame on me for everything. He hasn't given us any money from his past two paychecks (a month). He doesn't email about anything else. Oh, I think he's already in Sweden staying with her until their vacation to Prague.
I dread getting up every morning. I'm just waiting to see what this stranger, who used to be my husband, is going to hit me with each day.
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Yesterday was a really bad day. I woke up to a nasty email from H about money. Of course his paycheck is messed up, we won't be getting any money again. I think he's trying to smoke me out. If he doesn't give us money, he probably thinks I'll file for the divorce out of frustration. I refuse. I promised my girls, myself and the man I married that I would not give up on my marriage. Why do I still love this man? Why do I want him in my life? He has been so cruel. He gives us nothing. He walked away from my Ds. He is living with the OW and racking up big credit card bills buying things and taking trips. He is going to Prague with her for Christmas. He said weeks ago he wants a relationship with Ds, but won't stay in town to even try to see them at Christmas. It's so unbelievable. I spend hours crying over this man!!!! Why???? I want to hate him so badly, but I can't.
The weekend wasn't a good one. Putting up Christmas decorations is hard. The girls decided they didn't want anything that reminded them of their Dad out in the house. He had made lots of little decorations he carved out of wood. His stocking isn't hanging on the mantle. His ornaments aren't on the tree. It's so sad.
H is choosing to take OW to Prague instead of trying to have a relationship with our Ds (20&17). They are very hurt by his choices. They haven't spoke to him, which would be emails, in a couple months. He would never call them, just email if he wanted to "talk". He wouldn't even call when he is in town! What is wrong with him?
My H was the best father. He has read "The Night Before Christmas" to our daughters their whole lives, even as older teenagers. It has always been so special for the three of them. What has happened to this man?! We miss the person we knew. We now have a stranger that treats all of us like we don't exist.
He got paid this past Friday. We didn't get any money again. Now it's been a month since we've gotten anything. When I emailed him about it, he had a very nasty response. It really hurt my feelings. I'm just trying to take care of the family he walked out on.
So, the weekend was hard. I'm stuck. I am so sad and depressed. I was going forward, but now I just can't make myself. The sadness is so overwhelming.
I'm sorry the weekend wasn't so hot. I can't blame the girls in not wanting anything set out that reminds them of the father that walked out on them. It's going to be a difficult holiday season, but you and your family can start new traditions if you set your mind to it.
What is wrong w/your h? He's in crisis. The affair is a fantasy and one that doesn't have responsibility. It is about fun and doing all of the things that he felt he hasn't been able to do since he was a child. It's not about you or your children and that's what hurts. It's all about him and what makes him feel good at the moment. Mlc turns them into the exact opposite of what they were pre-crisis.
It's time that you sought the advice of a lawyer and get something in place for funds to be transferred to you from his paycheck. If you don't, you will continue down this path and he will not provide for the family. I'm sorry to say this, but you have to be the one to step up to the plate and take action on this. You can't rely on him to do the right thing. If he can get away w/o paying you anything, he will. Let me repeat this again for you...you can't rely on him to do the right thing. Please take some time and contact a lawyer and discuss your options as soon as possible.
I understand how you feel, but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. The feeling of sadness will wash over you, but you have to let it go once the feeling is gone. You will need to take one step at a time, one second at a time for a while. The first order of business is to contact a lawyer and then make a list of other goals that you need to accomplish before the holidays. Take them one by one and do not try to do all of them at the same time.
TJPc,
Do you live in the US?
As Snodderly said, you're going to have to take control of the situation. Yes, it is hard and sad, but your H is spending marital assets on something other than his family and that is definitely your business.
Will write more later.
(((Hugs))) We're here for you.
Thanks for the advice snodderly and SA. I contacted a lawyer a week ago when H got paid and we got nothing. He says his paycheck was messed up. Whatever. He said it was straightened out on Monday. Did we get any? No. Did I ask him for money, no. My lawyer is filing a petition for legal financial separation. Yes I live in the US. She says we won't get to court until the end of January. I have enough money without using credit cards until march.
My OD who is about to be 21 skyped messaged with her Dad yesterday. She had questions for him. It was a big deal for her to "talk" with him. She asked about the OW. He has never admitted that the affair is still going on. He actually gave her the truth. Says he's already in Sweden. I figured that out all ready. He has been there since the beginning of December. OD asked if he was going to be here Christmas to see her and sister. He said he can't. Why? Because he's already in Sweden. Geesh!! She asked if he would be here for her 21st bday that is 4 days after Christmas. No. Because he's already in Sweden. She asked him if this OW means more to him than she does. After several comments going back and forth, he finally said no. So D said," then come home for me." He says,"I can't". He has shattered her self worth. She believes she is completely disposable.
So, after she told her sister (17) what their Dad said, there were tears all around. It was so terrible. This man is devastating everyone in his path. He is a complete stranger to us. The Dad they had, never missed anything that was important to us and most definitely never missed Christmas and bdays.
I went by myself to the mall to pick up some gifts. It was so difficult. I barely made it out to the car before I burst into tears. I'm trying to be strong, but this unbelievable sadness just overwhelms me at times.
H found out I took money out of home equity loan. When he stopped giving us any money last month. I was concerned he wasn't going to send any more. I was right, we never got any money. I had no choice to take the money out.
I'm not sorry I did. I don't feel guilty about it either. I have to take care of my daughters. I refuse to have my back against the wall. I have become a lot stronger woman from this. This is definitely not the life I wanted. But, it is the life I've been given. I pray everyday that my H, the one I fell in love with, will come back to me. I can't wait forever without moving forward. I know one day he will wake up from his fantasy life. Maybe it will be when he has started all over with a new family at 45 years old and broke from having to support two families. Maybe he'll wake up and he'll find that his family has moved on without him. Maybe he'll get really lucky and wake up before its too late and he hasn't made any permanents mistakes.
I did sign papers this past Tuesday for a financial legal separation. It has been filed. With the holidays and the courts backed up, it will probably be the end of January before I go to court. Until then, were living on the loan. But, I will have provided my Ds with a nice Christmas.
I feel my attitude changing some days. I still cry. But, I also have a bit more confidence in what I can endure.. I've come to know that whatever can go wrong with all this mess, will.
When I didn't get any money from H, I had to figure out how to acquire money to support my Ds and myself. I took money out of our home equity loan. Paid for a lawyer with some of the money, rest went in my checking account. H found out after about three weeks. He was PO!, even though he has taken four times as much out of the account at other times. He told me because I took from the account, he is not ever sending another dime. What a jerk. Still wants to be in control. I bet he couldn't believe I would even know to take money from that account. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I am not letting him withhold money from me being able to take care our Ds. I filed a petition for a financial separation on the 12th. Waiting for him to be served. He's out of the country until after the first of the year. My lawyer may have papers served to him thru his lawyer. I made sure that a request for divorce was NOT included in the petition. I want the money, not the divorce. He has screwed up from the start with his affair. He will be the one to file for divorce. He will have that on his conscious too. I'll know I've been doing everything I can to save our marriage. He can live with the guilt when he comes out of his fantasy life.
I have submitted at least two more posts. Are they being rejected? I was hoping to get advice. All my submissions were being posted before.
Hi TJPc-
You are not being rejected. You are on moderation, and our goal is to moderate w/in 24 hours but we are not meeting that goal at this time. I have recommended your approval, so please hang in there, soon you should be able to post without moderation.
I apologize for the delay.
How do you stop thinking about your WAH/MLCER? With recent info, I am struggling to keep my mind clear.
We as women pretty much never turn the focus inward. This is what you must do now. Take care of yourself and your girls. Thinking about him is taking energy (via emotion) away from YOU. Give yourself time to grieve and to cry but do you best not to let it consume you. It DOES get easier. My H moved out three months ago and I can go through a day without being upset. He is ruining HIS life, not MY life. I am worthy of being loved and will move on. THIS IS NOT OUR FAULT! They will wake up and realize what they've done and will be devastated.
Snodderly has wonderful advice-see an attorney and ensure your financial interests are protected. It's hard but necessary. This is part of taking care of yourself. Everything one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time. You CAN do this!
Thank you for the understanding. It is so hard. I pray everyday that when he "wakes up" he will be devastated and grieve in unbelievable pain. That's awful to say, but that's what I've been going thru for over five months.
I have filed a financial separation, just waiting for him to be served. Do you talk with your H? You have such a great attitude. I hope you start rubbing off on me
What did he think you were going to live on, if he didn't send money? You had no choice but taking money from the loan. It's horrible when they turn into these creatures. So hurtful. I'm glad you've contacted a lawyer. Your MLCer can pay those fees too.
PS And it wouldn't be a good idea to get a D now anyway, with all that credit debt he's piling up, with OW. You would likely be liable for half that debt. Check with a lawyer on that too.
I have my times where I just want to be done with him. He has done nothing but lie for so long. He has turned into someone my Ds and I don't know. It's like my H and their Dad just disappeared. My Ds are so bitter about everything that has happened. Then there are the times when I remember how much I love my H, but he's lost. I am so confused on what to do. I guess I really don't have to do anything right now. Just take each day as it comes. I will find out soon enough which feeling takes over for the both of us. If he continues to be this other man, he won't want to come back anyway. Why is it that we are so open to taking back these people that have devastated our lives so much? Why can't I just stay mad at him for good? It hurts to know that I didn't have a choice at first. He made the choice to leave me. That stinks. He made the choice to cheat, to walk out, to withhold money. Now I want to be the one making the choices.
Well, not sure what I'm doing now. I have given up on H. He is someone that no one recognizes anymore. He has changed in every way, except for his name. I know that he is never coming back. I'm pretty certain he will move out of the country to live with OW permanently.
He has done nothing but hurt me and our daughters. He is out of the country now. Has been for weeks. He's cut off all the money and refuses to take responsibility for anything back home. He blames our daughters for the strain in his relationship with them. He is not being A Dad to them at all. He says he wants a relationship, but wants them to forget everything that has happened. They're supposed to act like none of this nightmare ever happened.
I have petitioned him for a legal financial separation. I had to take out the loan to pay for Christmas presents, bday presents and food and necessities. This doesn't seem to bother him. His response was that I have money now and he's not giving me any money.
My daughters have pretty much written him out of their lives. He sent them necklaces for Christmas and didn't even write a note. Nothing. The necklaces were generic necklaces that had no personal meaning to them. He used to spend so much time searching for the right gift for each if them. They usually never got the exact same thing. Plus. There would always be a special note with the present. The presents this year seemed like something they would get from a distance relative that doesn't really know them. They were so disappointed and refuse to ever wear them.
So, I'm waiting for the separation papers to be served and receive money from him. I have been making new friends and finding there are many men out there who think I'm beautiful and interesting. It's nice. I haven't heard I was beautiful in such a long time.
I take one day at a time. I don't get my hopes up on anything. I'm trying to keep stability in my daughters' lives and let them know I will always be here for them.
Update. I filed the financial separation. He responded and added the dissolution of marriage. So, I'm on my way to becoming at single woman. Since my H is not the man I knew or the father I knew to my girls, I have no emotion going into the divorce. I really don't have emotion about him at all. My daughters have decided not to have a relationship with him at this time. It has been a very difficult time for them. My daughters and I go to therapy. A couple weeks ago I met a wonderful man that I love spending time with. I am becoming happy again for the first time in a couple years.
I'll say what many have already said on this forum. Six months ago I would have never believed I would feel the way I do today. It was a very painful journey and I know the battle is still not over. But, there is life after a spouse cheats and walks out.
I plan on taking my new life one day at a time with the new man in my life. I will continue to help my daughters thru their feelings about their Dad. I will be ok.