I am learning all the time - 07/21/12 01:11 PM
It has been a long time since I posted....very long time. In this time though I continue to learn things about my self. How patient I can be, how good of a father I can be, and that I can live and run a household with kids by myself without the world ending....LOL.
Let me recap the last 2 years.
Jan 2010-Wife states she wants to be with her family and work on our marriage. In hindsights there was little work done and more a life of co-existence as I was still very dim and she was showing no effort towards improving our relationship. I think a big driver is that her second affair (that I expected but didn't confirm to farther down the road) had ended in October abbrutely with the OM cheating on her and ending all communication)
July 2010-We had our best family vacation EVER....just the four of us and the beach. This was followed by a second vacation to visit our family up north which was also awesome. Things to me really felt like they were getting better. Inimacy of all kinds had improved. Communication improved...everything. What I didn't know at this time is that affair number three had started with naked pictures in the beginning of july to sex by the end of the month.
Sept 2010-Was introduced to OM as a friend and his wife. FOr the next few months the four of us were inseparatble and a very good friendship was developing.
Oct/Nov 2010-Eventually the affair was uncovered...actually more admitted to. My wife moved out on Thanksgiving day...actually by leaving a gathering with friends in front of everyone and making a big deal of it. The kids stayed here with me. Our arrangement with the kids was easy.....The would stay with her at the OM house every other weekend.
Dec 2010-Tough month for me.....but as a word to newbie's...YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT . Along with the holidays blahs of not having my wife here (she did get a tree with us and come over christmas day), I had started a physical relationship with OM's wife, and also held a challenging piece of info. The om's wife admitted to me that during the last month of living with her husband...she intentionally fed me lies because her husband told her to. Such as they weren't having sex (she admitted that for the last month it became daily or more), she admitted he had setup a secret conversation portal between the two of them that neither me or my wife were to know about. That said, the hardest part was the first time my wife picked up the kids for her weekend knowing that her OM was at his wife's apartment having sex and not telling my wife. I just didn't feel it was my place to tell her. The OM would continue having sex with his wife until the end of March when she finally said no more.
April 2011- I finally seem to have everything running smoothly. Work has picked up, the kids have adjusted to it just being the four of us, and overall I think all three of us were pretty happy. Then my wife found out the OM was working on a relationship with another woman, big fight ensues, and my wife ends up on my porch looking for a place to sleep as she needs to move out (on a wednesday). I tell her no as I don't want to mess with the kids, but I do pay for a hotel room for her her. At this time she also stops paying me support as her unemployment had run out.
June 2011- Beginning of the month finds the OM's fiancee (the woman who had ended my wife's relationship with him) ending things with him because he was cheating on her. He begs his wife back one night and things between her and I are done....which to be honest I was very comfortable with. Did miss losing her as a friend, but it how things had to be. My wife at this point had moved into an apartment near my house and the kids often walked over to visit her. My wife had sent me repeated messages stating she wanted to be family again, wanted to do the work, but needed time. Messages in which I responded nicely that it couldn't happen. We did though start spending more time together doing small family things. The super hard part happened at the end of the month. My daughter, knowing that both mom and I were single, became more and more angry as she couldn't understand why mommy wasn't moving home. To the point one day she screamed at "I hate you....you caused this....and it is all YOUR fault". That absolutely crushed me.....with all the work I had done...all the effort...all the pain....that one statement from my babygirl absolutely demolished me.
July 2011- Starts out with a trip to the beach to visit my sister....and I include my wife along. Once again another very good vacation. We talk more and more about our relationship and the relationships we had. The things we liked and things we didn't like....we started piecing. By the end of the month I stated that I would work on the marriage but it had to be all in. I was going to just date her and other people....I felt for the kids sake we needed to be 100% into the piecing or not at all. I didn't want to give them the impression that we were together unless we truly were.
August 2011-My wife moves homes....the kids wanted her, she wanted to be here, I wanted here. Added to my decision was also the fact that worked had significantly slowed down and my wife hadn't paid me support in months....I was out of money and needed help. So by moving her back...we no longer had two households of bills, just one. From here we would piece...things seemed to get better other than one bad thing....I wasn't getting any work from my three jobs to the point that we fell behind two mortgage payments and had to start getting food from food pantries.
Dec 2011-Behind on house payments...but there is light on the horizon. I land a big survey job near my house and have a busy month at my two other jobs. Money startds to flow again.
Feb 2012- We have our first big fight. As the money flows in...I face a dilema. I have enough free cash to catch up our mortgage. At the same time I am resentful that I a have to pay it all myself and empty my my business accounts to do it. I suggest I pay half of it so I can keep some money in my business account to operate off of. The wife feels I need to pay all of it off and I am back to my same old financial irresponsible self she complained about in the past. I tell her I was frustrated back when these payments were originally due and I asked her for help. To which she responds "I didn't have the money to help and now it is yours to handle". I do pay off all the back mortgage as it is the right thing to do. The second biggee....the OM shows up again. They talk in which my expresses how bad he hurt her etc....then they continue to talk. To the point that he asks her to move back in with him to which she refuses. I also touch base with his wife for the first time in months. While things overall are good, she tells me that they had a rough patch in sept. when he waqs trying to hook up with the fiancee again, she thinks he had another fling in Nov., and currently she knew he had spoken with KC but there was another female he was speaking with excessively....they eventually have a physical fight and she moves out for a few weeks.
Feb-jun 2012-Things here get more and more testy. My wife starts doing less...becomes less involved with family things. Friends start asking what is up because the notice that my wife seems very happy until Feb....and then things seem to go downhill. I ask her about the OM and she responds she is still in love with him and not with me. She states they talk very infrequently.....but I do snoop as I want to know the truth. The lies and half lies at this point bother me more than anything else. I see contact here and there, but I am assuming that the OM setup a communication pattern like he did with his wife. Only during work hours...through work emails, etc....so that nobody can see what is going on.
Our sex life goes to zero.....there is no intimacy and I start to go dim again. The signs are there of another affair.
July 2012- Another full blown affair is confirmed with all it's associated lies, etc. We have a blow out in which I tell her to move out she responds she doesn't care and we need to go our separate ways......That she doesn't want to hurt the kids but she doesn't love me...never felt it during our second piecing and is done.
Currently for me....I am doing very well. For gal'ing....well I have enough work to cover that pretty dang good. All three of my jobs have picked up nicely and one has just this week turned into a full time position with rpetty good pay (for the area) and benefits. I will keep surveying and dj'ing....and have started another nice sized survey project and have about 12 more dj gigs already booked between now and the end of the year. I have also started working out again.
Strangely I have also found strength in a very odd spot. Knowing a very small bit of truth about the OM (I feel there is a lot more than my wife or his wife knows)I can safely say he has had at least 15 affairs in the last 3 years. That said...I have made the decisions that for my own good I can no longer have sex with my wife. There is just to much chance that there is a disease floating around in there. So my concious decision to remove that thought from my head has unleashed a sort of freedom. It has also clarified for me that my wife is no longer the woman I married. I know that the OM has convinced my wife that he didn't sleep with his wife while they were together, etc.....the woman I married would not have fallen for that. So I accept that for a few months in 2011 that woman reappeared....she is now gone again.
What I have learned though is as follows;
1-I can take care of a household and raise kids by myself. There is no need for another person. If I ever introduce another person into my life it will be because I want them there and not because I need them there.
2- That I am an incredible father and spouse. It has been hard to get there on this one....but eventually the repeated accolades have finally sunk in
3- That I only control my life. That a step towards self enrichment starts with accepting the things that I can influence and things that are out of my control. I have changed my focus from the things that concern me to that I can change. Making the things I can influence a priority and the things of concern just a thought.
4- When this all started in 2007...I was unhappy. Not so much with my marriage, but with my work. This unhappiness I carried everywhere. Luckily my work situation has changed from controlling me....to me controlling it. Working on things that fufill me instead of just paying a check.
5-I love to cook
6- Life continues with or without....I have made the choice to continue living.
7- When there are kids involved be very careful with new relationships. It will be hard, but keep the kids out of it. IF things don't work...no matter how close or far away the kids are from the new relationship...it will create insecurity and instability for them. I have decided I won't pursue a relationship for awhile......first because I don't need a relationship to exist...second is because the kids need all the stability and security I can give them.
8-MLC spouses disappear....it is okay to love them, but try to keep it at a distance. That protects you.
9- Smile...a lot...and make friends.
10-I need to visit some of my DB friends...our community builds in harsh times and through these times strong bonds do grow
11- I do love my wife....and when she decides to leave again I will still love her. That is my choice as love is a verb. To love her doesn't mean she has to be here with me....it means I have loved our time together and though it may be coming to an end.....those times were had and will always be part of our history.
12- One has to take control of ones self before they can make a difference anywhere else.
13- I am a better man for this journey
Let me recap the last 2 years.
Jan 2010-Wife states she wants to be with her family and work on our marriage. In hindsights there was little work done and more a life of co-existence as I was still very dim and she was showing no effort towards improving our relationship. I think a big driver is that her second affair (that I expected but didn't confirm to farther down the road) had ended in October abbrutely with the OM cheating on her and ending all communication)
July 2010-We had our best family vacation EVER....just the four of us and the beach. This was followed by a second vacation to visit our family up north which was also awesome. Things to me really felt like they were getting better. Inimacy of all kinds had improved. Communication improved...everything. What I didn't know at this time is that affair number three had started with naked pictures in the beginning of july to sex by the end of the month.
Sept 2010-Was introduced to OM as a friend and his wife. FOr the next few months the four of us were inseparatble and a very good friendship was developing.
Oct/Nov 2010-Eventually the affair was uncovered...actually more admitted to. My wife moved out on Thanksgiving day...actually by leaving a gathering with friends in front of everyone and making a big deal of it. The kids stayed here with me. Our arrangement with the kids was easy.....The would stay with her at the OM house every other weekend.
Dec 2010-Tough month for me.....but as a word to newbie's...YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT . Along with the holidays blahs of not having my wife here (she did get a tree with us and come over christmas day), I had started a physical relationship with OM's wife, and also held a challenging piece of info. The om's wife admitted to me that during the last month of living with her husband...she intentionally fed me lies because her husband told her to. Such as they weren't having sex (she admitted that for the last month it became daily or more), she admitted he had setup a secret conversation portal between the two of them that neither me or my wife were to know about. That said, the hardest part was the first time my wife picked up the kids for her weekend knowing that her OM was at his wife's apartment having sex and not telling my wife. I just didn't feel it was my place to tell her. The OM would continue having sex with his wife until the end of March when she finally said no more.
April 2011- I finally seem to have everything running smoothly. Work has picked up, the kids have adjusted to it just being the four of us, and overall I think all three of us were pretty happy. Then my wife found out the OM was working on a relationship with another woman, big fight ensues, and my wife ends up on my porch looking for a place to sleep as she needs to move out (on a wednesday). I tell her no as I don't want to mess with the kids, but I do pay for a hotel room for her her. At this time she also stops paying me support as her unemployment had run out.
June 2011- Beginning of the month finds the OM's fiancee (the woman who had ended my wife's relationship with him) ending things with him because he was cheating on her. He begs his wife back one night and things between her and I are done....which to be honest I was very comfortable with. Did miss losing her as a friend, but it how things had to be. My wife at this point had moved into an apartment near my house and the kids often walked over to visit her. My wife had sent me repeated messages stating she wanted to be family again, wanted to do the work, but needed time. Messages in which I responded nicely that it couldn't happen. We did though start spending more time together doing small family things. The super hard part happened at the end of the month. My daughter, knowing that both mom and I were single, became more and more angry as she couldn't understand why mommy wasn't moving home. To the point one day she screamed at "I hate you....you caused this....and it is all YOUR fault". That absolutely crushed me.....with all the work I had done...all the effort...all the pain....that one statement from my babygirl absolutely demolished me.
July 2011- Starts out with a trip to the beach to visit my sister....and I include my wife along. Once again another very good vacation. We talk more and more about our relationship and the relationships we had. The things we liked and things we didn't like....we started piecing. By the end of the month I stated that I would work on the marriage but it had to be all in. I was going to just date her and other people....I felt for the kids sake we needed to be 100% into the piecing or not at all. I didn't want to give them the impression that we were together unless we truly were.
August 2011-My wife moves homes....the kids wanted her, she wanted to be here, I wanted here. Added to my decision was also the fact that worked had significantly slowed down and my wife hadn't paid me support in months....I was out of money and needed help. So by moving her back...we no longer had two households of bills, just one. From here we would piece...things seemed to get better other than one bad thing....I wasn't getting any work from my three jobs to the point that we fell behind two mortgage payments and had to start getting food from food pantries.
Dec 2011-Behind on house payments...but there is light on the horizon. I land a big survey job near my house and have a busy month at my two other jobs. Money startds to flow again.
Feb 2012- We have our first big fight. As the money flows in...I face a dilema. I have enough free cash to catch up our mortgage. At the same time I am resentful that I a have to pay it all myself and empty my my business accounts to do it. I suggest I pay half of it so I can keep some money in my business account to operate off of. The wife feels I need to pay all of it off and I am back to my same old financial irresponsible self she complained about in the past. I tell her I was frustrated back when these payments were originally due and I asked her for help. To which she responds "I didn't have the money to help and now it is yours to handle". I do pay off all the back mortgage as it is the right thing to do. The second biggee....the OM shows up again. They talk in which my expresses how bad he hurt her etc....then they continue to talk. To the point that he asks her to move back in with him to which she refuses. I also touch base with his wife for the first time in months. While things overall are good, she tells me that they had a rough patch in sept. when he waqs trying to hook up with the fiancee again, she thinks he had another fling in Nov., and currently she knew he had spoken with KC but there was another female he was speaking with excessively....they eventually have a physical fight and she moves out for a few weeks.
Feb-jun 2012-Things here get more and more testy. My wife starts doing less...becomes less involved with family things. Friends start asking what is up because the notice that my wife seems very happy until Feb....and then things seem to go downhill. I ask her about the OM and she responds she is still in love with him and not with me. She states they talk very infrequently.....but I do snoop as I want to know the truth. The lies and half lies at this point bother me more than anything else. I see contact here and there, but I am assuming that the OM setup a communication pattern like he did with his wife. Only during work hours...through work emails, etc....so that nobody can see what is going on.
Our sex life goes to zero.....there is no intimacy and I start to go dim again. The signs are there of another affair.
July 2012- Another full blown affair is confirmed with all it's associated lies, etc. We have a blow out in which I tell her to move out she responds she doesn't care and we need to go our separate ways......That she doesn't want to hurt the kids but she doesn't love me...never felt it during our second piecing and is done.
Currently for me....I am doing very well. For gal'ing....well I have enough work to cover that pretty dang good. All three of my jobs have picked up nicely and one has just this week turned into a full time position with rpetty good pay (for the area) and benefits. I will keep surveying and dj'ing....and have started another nice sized survey project and have about 12 more dj gigs already booked between now and the end of the year. I have also started working out again.
Strangely I have also found strength in a very odd spot. Knowing a very small bit of truth about the OM (I feel there is a lot more than my wife or his wife knows)I can safely say he has had at least 15 affairs in the last 3 years. That said...I have made the decisions that for my own good I can no longer have sex with my wife. There is just to much chance that there is a disease floating around in there. So my concious decision to remove that thought from my head has unleashed a sort of freedom. It has also clarified for me that my wife is no longer the woman I married. I know that the OM has convinced my wife that he didn't sleep with his wife while they were together, etc.....the woman I married would not have fallen for that. So I accept that for a few months in 2011 that woman reappeared....she is now gone again.
What I have learned though is as follows;
1-I can take care of a household and raise kids by myself. There is no need for another person. If I ever introduce another person into my life it will be because I want them there and not because I need them there.
2- That I am an incredible father and spouse. It has been hard to get there on this one....but eventually the repeated accolades have finally sunk in
3- That I only control my life. That a step towards self enrichment starts with accepting the things that I can influence and things that are out of my control. I have changed my focus from the things that concern me to that I can change. Making the things I can influence a priority and the things of concern just a thought.
4- When this all started in 2007...I was unhappy. Not so much with my marriage, but with my work. This unhappiness I carried everywhere. Luckily my work situation has changed from controlling me....to me controlling it. Working on things that fufill me instead of just paying a check.
5-I love to cook
6- Life continues with or without....I have made the choice to continue living.
7- When there are kids involved be very careful with new relationships. It will be hard, but keep the kids out of it. IF things don't work...no matter how close or far away the kids are from the new relationship...it will create insecurity and instability for them. I have decided I won't pursue a relationship for awhile......first because I don't need a relationship to exist...second is because the kids need all the stability and security I can give them.
8-MLC spouses disappear....it is okay to love them, but try to keep it at a distance. That protects you.
9- Smile...a lot...and make friends.
10-I need to visit some of my DB friends...our community builds in harsh times and through these times strong bonds do grow
11- I do love my wife....and when she decides to leave again I will still love her. That is my choice as love is a verb. To love her doesn't mean she has to be here with me....it means I have loved our time together and though it may be coming to an end.....those times were had and will always be part of our history.
12- One has to take control of ones self before they can make a difference anywhere else.
13- I am a better man for this journey