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Posted By: EverHopeful An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 04:14 AM
Hi all,

I have not been here in quite some time but thought to take a few moments to stop by today. I am calling this thread an "Open Love Letter" because it is a love letter to any one that finds themselves on this site desperately trying to save their marriage. I was there. I am so sorry that you are here.

I can remember searching the web looking for a magic fix, anything that would bring my husband back. We are some seven years down the road, divorced and trying to raise our kids. We are cautiously friendly.

While deep in the tunnel, he was a person that I did not know. He was disconnected from everyone that he felt would not agree with his choices. He would leave the kids with his mother and disappear for hours at a time to enjoy his new life. He struggled with finalizing the divorce. He would start and then stop ... start and stop... I never took it on until I had really just had enough of him so I offered to pay half and recommended that he see my attorney to just get this done already.

As for a glimpse into the life of the MLCer ... the ex has confessed that "at the time he thought that it was a good idea to get divorced" rather than to try to have a new relationship with me. " I guess we just have to make the best of things now." He is still with his OW but they live separately. He has tried to force feed a cordial relationship with her and my kids. Kids are not so much into it but they are polite. He is trying to rebuild his relationship with them and is attentive and reconnecting. It is wonderful to see signs of the father that I remember him being.

I am writing this letter to tell you first hand that you will get through the tough times. it won't be easy but there will be people to help and support you on this site and in your daily lives. Try not to obsess about your spouse, their actions, who they are with and what they are doing. Unfortunately, if they are are in MLC they may become a person that you just don't recognize. Focusing on them only paralyzes you and keeps you from moving on and finding the path that is in store for you.

Please know that you must love and save yourself first. You can't do anything to force your spouse to change for the better or to become the person that you want them to be again. Your spouse is an adult and while he or she lives in MLC looney ville you need to focus on you. Whether or not your spouse chooses to grow up, you must take care of you first. Be strong, be firm, be responsible, get a life of your own and get sure of what you need to do to protect yourself. Take your eyes off of your spouse and focus on you and your children.

Don't hang on every word or action. Real change in an MLCer takes a very long time and will be consistent. If it is a genuine change, you won't have to wonder what it means, it will be obvious. Don't read into every thing that they say or do. Begin to trust yourself and make decisions that are best for you. Protect yourself emotionally, financially, and sexually. If you believe in a higher power, pray for guidance and strength. If there is something that you want for your life GO FOR IT in order to improve YOUR life.

I did not do enough to protect my relationship, I will admit that wholeheartedly. I made many mistakes and acted foolishly at times. But forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are only human.

I would not wish this long and at times arduous road on anyone but what I can say is that one day you will find yourself on the other side and wonder how you got there!

Do you. Take care of you. Keep moving forward.

LOVE YOURSELF.

Hugs,
*EVER*
Posted By: WenikiTiki Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 04:59 AM
Thanks for the encourgament!

Good timing!

Aloha,

Wendy
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 12:37 PM
Ever,
What a beautiful posting. Thank you.

How are you and the children doing these days? Please don't be a stranger...we miss you!

Happy Holidays!
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 02:43 PM
Wendy,

This post was the least that I could do ! I hope that it helps someone!

Aloha !

*Ever*
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 03:19 PM
Hi Snodderly,

We are all doing well. Kids are teenagers and thankfully they are good kids! Happy, well adjusted... things come up from time to time but thankfully nothing crazy. We are a very close family. I am so thankful to God for them.

I do not have a significant other yet , truth be told I have not had one since the end of my marriage. I stood for my marriage for a very long time but decided that it was time to move past that about two years ago. I have enjoyed dating for the sake of keeping my social skills up to par (lol) until recently... there are three prospects in pursuit ... let's see what happens or if any of them pan out. LOL. Either way, I know that I will be ok and I know that people are only human. We fall down but the key to success is getting back up...

I have grown up so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I have wonderful friends who kept me busy in the midst of craziness and helped me keep my faith in God and humanity. My life is far from perfect but it is far from the pits also. So I move forward with positivity and anticipation every day.

I am thankful to God for every little blessing and even the trials and tribulations.

Hope that you are well and that the New Year brings you all that you desire.

Best,
*Ever*
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/26/11 10:09 PM
wonderful post.
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 12/31/11 11:42 PM
EverHopeful,
Saw your posting...what's going on?
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/01/12 12:12 AM
Hi Snodderly,

Seems that ex is peeking and or emerging from the tunnel. We have had much more frequent contact since October. He sent me a random text asking how I was and mentioning that being with my daughter reminded him of me. Asked me to lunch or dinner a few times since but I am afraid of being burned or falling into the trap of expectations so I haven't gone.

Holidays are always tough and open old wounds just based on the level of contact! But, he has expressed regret over getting divorced and that he misses me. Not sure how to handle other than to stay away since the tramp is still around.

We are at the seven year mark. Tramp is around at least six years now. He has started reconnecting with the kids big time. Now is also integrating tramp in some of those activities to the kids dismay.

With all of this said, I need some pointers on how to handle myself in all of this. I know that we may not be compatible and that it would take a lot for him to leave that life behind because he is overly invested now but, I don't want to make things worse.

UGH what to do?
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/01/12 12:28 AM
EH,
The first question that pops into my mind is this...do you want him back?

If he's begun waking up a bit and reconnecting, then it's possible that he is finally realizing what he's lost. Reconnection takes a long time.

I know you are afraid of being burned again, but if you keep your expectations at zero, you will not be disappointed. Don't consider him your xh, but someone you are meeting for the very first time in eons. If I were in your shoes, I'd accept his offer the next time. You won't know what is on his mind until you sit down and meet w/him. He can't do a thing to you unless you allow him to. I would suggest that you drive to the meeting so that if you get disgusted or feel the conversation isn't going the way you think it should, you can get up and leave.

In some cases of reconnection, the ow is still in the picture and will eventually be kicked to the curb as the mlcers reconnections become stronger. Your children should be old enough to make decisions as to whether they want the ow present or not during their time w/their father.

One final note...just be yourself. Listen to what he has to say. You just might hear more about his life and discover that his life isn't what it has appeared to be after all of this time.

Good luck!
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/01/12 01:48 AM
Snodderly,

Thanks. I get the feeling that things have not been all that fantastic from some of the comments. He won't admit that he was wrong but says that we have to make the best of things now. Almost a complacency that I don't recognize. I don't believe in settling at all so this worries me about him now.

I will let you know if I can stomach a meal at all with this person.

HUGS.
Ever
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/01/12 01:44 PM
EH,
In most cases, they won't come out and apologize. They will come out w/statements such as what your xh has stated to you. They have learned how to be conflict avoiders and rather than say "I'm sorry", they come up w/statements that sweeps the situation under the rug.

EH, don't rush into setting up a meeting w/him. You have to be ready to meet w/him, to hear what he has to say. Maybe you aren't ready to do so. If you aren't, then don't meet w/him. If you are, suggest a coffee shop so that it's not a long meeting for the first time....let me assure you, you will know when you are ready to meet w/him. You've been hurt terribly and you are afraid of being burned again. I can understand that...

Let me share w/you the experience that I had when I shared a meal w/my xh 6 years ago. He had already been gone 6 yrs and married to the ow for 3. We met in a small town. We sat down, ordered our meal (I insisted on separate checks), and we discussed my sister's children for a bit. Once the meal arrived, all he talked about was himself, the selling of his grandparents' home, and more about himself. He looked terrible. Oh, he did remember that I use to shop on Black Friday, etc. Not one word about marrying the ow, but he continued to twist this very tight band on his hand, so I knew he wanted me to ask...but I didn't. When the checks arrived, I pulled out my money, but he had to search his wallet and I guess he didn't have any money, so he used a credit card for his wings and draft beer. Maybe he was hoping that would take care of the bill like I use to when we were married. Did I volunteer to pay his bill? Absolutely not. When we walked to the parking lot, I wished him well and as I drove away, all I could think about was that I was correct about him being stuck in mlc. As I arrived home, the only thing I could think about was that he was now her problem.

Was I nervous about the meeting? Sure, because he had been one nasty mlcer, but I knew I needed closure and for me that was actually seeing him up close and hearing the garbage coming from his mouth. How do I feel about him today? I treat him like the salesman in a car dealership.

EH, if you should ever meet w/him, listen to him and watch his body language. Can he look you in the eye? The body language says it all in most cases. You will be given the opportunity to say what is on your mind and in your heart, but it shouldn't be done at the very first meeting...timing is everything and trust me, God will let you know when the time is right.
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 03:26 AM
Hi Snodderly,

Thank you for your reply. I have been away from the board since last week and am just catching up.

For starters, I must admit that on these few encounters with my ex that I see glimpses of the person that I used to know I can see myself with him.

But in reality, most days I don't give him too much thought and have learned to live without him. Quite happily I might add. While I do miss having a nuclear family, we have adjusted.

There was an former self sighting today as ex took the kids and a friend's child that he was very close to before MLC out to a sporting event today. No, he did not bring his trash along.

According to the kids, they had the time of their lives and ex enjoyed himself thoroughly. At times like this, I miss that person. But I know that most things that come from his mouth equate diarrhea these days so I get my solace from that fact. LOL. I am trying to learn how to expect the unexpected from him so that I won't be knocked off balance too easily.

I used to meet with him once every few months for coffee or lunch until the divorce was finalized. We were still married and doing so to me was some part of standing. But I often came out of these meetings more confused than ever because I realized that he was getting what he needed from both the other and me. The security of knowing that he could have access to me to check the gauges on where I was in my life should he need to come back as well as maintaining the farce of his new life with tramp and friends.

I decided to stop meeting with him because nothing was coming from it other than my frustration and raging emotions. During our meetings, he was always very selective in what he communicated, lying by omission, and often rewriting history. I finally had enough and realized that I was grasping at straws and that perhaps he would be a permanent resident of the tunnel. The cake eating was very apparent as well. IMHO, if life was so wonderful with tramp why did he need to meet with me? I started limiting my contact to save myself.

Now that there have been a few requests to meet, I am not sure what to do. I am not sure that I can stomach it, really. Although, going just to watch the psychobabble up close and personal might be worth the trip. LOL

Mixed feelings all around ... LOL

Hope that you are well...
*Ever*
Posted By: beatrice Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 07:55 AM
Hi, we are probably on the same kind of timescale, and like you I have learned to live happily alone, although I miss the nuclear family.

A good friend and I who both have MLC ex spouses have come to the conclusion that MLC is all about attention seeking, in one way o
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 01:48 PM
EH,
The old saying "when in doubt, do nothing" would apply to your situation. Since you are still not sure what to do, then sit quietly, the answers will come. EH, when the time is right, you will know what to do.

You do realize that you can turn the tables? If you wanted to try something different, the next time he asks about getting together, you could ask him why he wants to meet. You could ask him if it's in reference to the children, if not then don't do it. You are the distancer and he is the pursuer...you are a challenge to him and he wants to have that connection w/you again.

I'm glad he came to get the children and spent a wonderful time w/them. The memories of spending time w/his children will stay w/him. As to whether or not he does it again that is the $100 question. Sounds like he had some clarity during his time w/his children.

I hope you are doing well (otherwise).
Posted By: Cadet Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 02:19 PM
Originally Posted By: beatrice
I miss the nuclear family.


This is the one thing that I do not understand how to move forward from.

My nuclear family will never be whole again.

I have the best relationship with my adult kids.

But it will never be the same as it was.
Posted By: beatrice Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 03:28 PM
Ever and Snodderly. For some reason the end of my post was knocked off, but I agree 100% with Snodderly, and suggested the same - ask him WHY he wants to meet. . . . . .
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 04:40 PM
Everytime I have an interaction with ex it upsets my progress. My curiosity though sometimes supersedes this so I just have to interact. As time goes on it takes me less and less time to recover from the craziness. What is wonderful though is we have the choice to subject ourselves to it or not.
For me it is no longer a desperation to see ex but more of an observation study in MLC.
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 06:57 PM
Hi all,

The last time he asked for a meeting I did ask why. He said that it was,"I don't know. To catch up in general."

I am just not that into it anymore so I let it go. There is nothing to catch up on. Emails or texts can help with this, no need for in person contact IMHO. It would just be fishing or some other mind game. He is still with his trash so, no need for me to get all emotionally twisted again by opening up a door that should stay shut. LOL

I used to be desperate to see him. Not anymore. I am just ready for a new relationship.

HUGS to all !

*Ever*
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 08:18 PM
You really do get to that point where you wonder what it would be like to be with a mature rational male species.
Posted By: job Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/09/12 09:10 PM
EH,
I'm going out on a limb here and please don't get upset w/me, but my question to you is this....if you already know that emails or texts would do the trick, then why all of the "questioning" as to whether you should meet up w/him or not?
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/10/12 03:06 AM
Hi Snodderly,

Not upset at all. This is a legitimate question. I check in on where he is in the tunnel from an academic perspective.

Of course, when I see glimpses of the man that I married I wish that I could turn back the hands of time or wave a magic wand to make things all better. After that flash is over, I go back to the cold harsh realities of never being able to go back to Kansas again, per se and knowing that too much hurt has been inflicted to try to sweep away with a water color brush. LOL.

I question because, I like many others who have dawned on this doorstep wonder if this is the case amongst all cases that would be successful.

I am ok without him, really I am. I have adjusted. I miss him sometimes but I realize that he is not the same person ... neither am I.


*Ever*
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: An Open Love Letter - 01/10/12 11:52 AM
Hi Cadet,

It won't be the same but maybe it won't be so bad either. Not what we envisioned for our lives but maybe still ok. I dunno. It is complicated ...

Beatrice,

LOL. They are nuts !
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