Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: irishblessings Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 12:01 PM
Happy Holidays to all! I hope everyone has a peaceful, kind, loving Christmas and that the New Year brings light and happiness to everyone who has found themselves on this board.

I have been bound and determined to make this holiday wonderful for my family. XH and OW parade themselves around my son's school and sporting events wearing matching shirts supporting my son and his team. I will admit (and not necessarily proudly) - it irks the "sh*t" out of me that this woman who has barely had 2 or 3 short conversations with my son wears his team shirt with his name on the back. (yes - as I type it I know it is stupid and immature of me to feel this way) They exhibit all kinds of PDA that have all of the parents (and kids for that matter) talking and asking "WTF???" No matter how politely my kids ask for time alone with their father to "rebuild" their relationship - he acts like a petulant child - OW always around. The kids are kind of done right now trying. They are perfunctory at best. I bite my tongue, sometimes til it bleeds:), and change the subject.

Anyway, I know that I am feeling better. These 18 months have certainly been the worst times of my life and I am not at a point where I can see the silver lining in what I've experienced. BUT - I see what XH has become and I know for sure that I would not want to be with this person today. For me, that is progress. I recently read a quote by Dr. Seuss of all people (although it shouldn't surprise me that the words that resonate with me following this unbelievable journey come from a cartoonish individual:) -

"Don't CRY because it's over - SMILE because it happened!"

This may be my new mantra for 2012. I am resolving to transform in the new year. My son will be graduating from high school in the spring and the number of XH/OW encounters will thankfully, greatly diminish. I believe this will help accelerate more healing and will give me the opportunity to open some new doors. It may be time for me to move over to the "surviving" forum. It's not about his MLC anymore and I owe a GREAT deal of gratitude to you all for helping me get through this truly hideous experience.

Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year to all!
Posted By: PEI Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 01:30 PM
Hey Irish,

Merry Christmas to you too!

I LOVE your Dr. Seuss quote ... he's actually one of the most insightful authors I've read! I've got two personal faves right now from him ...
Originally Posted By: The late, great Dr. Seuss
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
... and ...
Originally Posted By: Dr. Seuss yet again...
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”


Sweetie, for the record, it would irk the sh*t out of me too. That's not immature ... it's human! It also doesn't mean you're not healing or doing what you need to do for you. Progress is progress, however small you may feel it is, it's still forward motion. I hope you find as much support as you need, here or elsewhere smile ... but I'd hate to see you go. You haven't just taken support from this forumn Irish, you've given plenty too. My thread hasn't been about my ex in ages, but I still find the personal growth and support here amazing, I don't know what I would have done without y'all, and frankly, wouldn't want to find out, lol.

Take care Irish ... I know you've got great things ahead of you! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Peace
PEI
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 02:04 PM
IB,
It would have irked the heck out of me too. Sometimes the "in the face" crap will get to you and I'm not just talking about the two smoochies. You will, at some point in time, sit back and laugh about how stupid they looked in public.

Wishing you and your family a very safe, blessed and happy holiday season. May the new year bring many surprises and good will to you and your family.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 08:51 PM
Thanks PEI and Snodderly - I really appreciate your perspectives

I can't believe this is my 2nd holiday in this "new" life. Still getting my sea legs but am in more of a stronger cognitive place than this time last year.

Almost ran straight into OW yesterday - have worried about this happening. What would I say? Inauthentic to say "nice to meet you". Instead I have "scripted" this:

Look, I have nothing against you. I would hope however that you could understand that after 25 years as a cohesive family, you might be able to take a step back publicly and let my son finish his high school years without having to feel uncomfortable with the presence of a "new" person in his parents life. Please feel free to do what you want outside of this arena - but for my son's sake please take a step back from this part of his life.

Knowing the level of class present in this woman she would say "F off"

Enough said
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 09:01 PM
IB,
New memories and traditions are made in your household this year. Take plenty of photos so that all of you can look back on them when the days are difficult.

As for running into the ow, look her straight in the eye and just smile. Sometimes silence sends the message better than words can.

Merry Christmas!
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 09:43 PM
IB

Merry Christmas. Wishing you nothing but the best in the new year!

Remember, YOU and only YOU can control how you feel and deal with sitch's and your happiness. It truly is yours for the taking. Keep healing, keep learning about the strength that truly is in YOU. FWIW....I am proud of YOU.

Originally Posted By: snodderly
As for running into the ow, look her straight in the eye and just smile. Sometimes silence sends the message better than words can.


Very wise words up there from Snodderly. Why would you even give OW the time of day. You IB have NOTHING to be ashamed off, scared of, embarased of. On the contrary, you have a LOT to be PROUD OF!

God Bless,
Eric
Posted By: warriorshadow Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 10:22 PM
IB

I like the words from Snodderly too. I will have to use something

similar in the future I will bet too. Staying silent but looking

straight in the eyes will allow their imagination take over and

at the same time not give the satisfaction to the OP that they

take up your head space. They do not deserve the possibility of

learning how to push any buttons.

WS
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/22/11 11:22 PM
GREAT idea Snodderly! I absolutely CAN do that:)
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Getting Better?? - 12/23/11 01:57 AM
Hey IB. You are doing great! It takes as long as it takes. But get there, you will.

I agree with Snodderly. Just look at her smile as keep walking like she's yesterday's fish with your head held hi.

If you were to talk to her, she would relish it. Giving her ammunition to spin it all anyway she wants. You're way above all that.

I know it is so hard for you to see your son upset. Unfortunately it is what it is. I believe, seeing what a wonderful mother you are, that he will come through this stronger and wiser.

Have a wonderful, new kind of holiday and a blessed new year.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Getting Better?? - 12/23/11 01:58 AM
SHeesh, that's what you get when you post while eating ice cream. LOL!

Should be 'and keep on walking with your head held high.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 12/24/11 08:09 AM
I've always wondered what it would be like to run into XH and OW and just look at her and laugh ;-)

IB you are so awesome. I love your speech, and I would probably craft something similar, but everyone is right. The best thing you can ever do is just be dignified and not say a word!!! Face it. No OW can hear a word you say anyway. It's just a little buzz in her head, like a bee stuck in a glass jar (apologies to John Updike whom I stole that from ;-)
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/25/11 05:20 AM
Merry Christmas to all of my friends here on the board. I am so grateful and thankful for your advice, concern, support, 2x4's:) - I feel so blessed to have found you all!
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 12/25/11 12:59 PM
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: Getting Better?? - 12/25/11 01:52 PM
Merry Christmas to you and yours, IB!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/27/11 09:44 PM
2nd Christmas unmarried (1 separated / 1 divorced). Spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family and friends. Very thankful. XH called middle D at around 4pm Christmas Day. He and OW were "playing cards". Middle D hangs up and says = "Wow, he's got such a better life." We smile at each other and go on enjoying each other's company.

I am proud of myself for the holiday I provided my kids. Great food - good times.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss XH. I did - but I missed the man he was - NOT the creep he is today. Crazy thing - son met up with him the other day to work out in the gym. Son came home and said "Mom, it was so embarrassing. My friends were with me and Dad actually smelled so bad!" I just played it down but something is definitely wrong with him.

Here's where I am now - I want a social life. I don't think I am ready for a date yet - but I want to go out. I've signed up for a tennis league and a new gym. I'm hoping that by beginning to surround myself in environments not defined by marital status might help me feel better.

Hoping for a great new year! It's been a LONG time!
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 12/27/11 09:59 PM
IB,
Your Christmas sounds like it was a success and your children confirmed that for you. I'm so sorry that your son was caught off guard about your xh's odor.

You are definitely on the right track to getting out and enjoying the company of others. Good for you!

2012 will be your year!
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Getting Better?? - 12/27/11 10:27 PM
Merry Christmas, IB. I'm so glad you had a nice one. Remember that it's ok to miss the life you once had as long as you take a few moments to do that and then continue to count your blessings.

Clearly your xh is in crisis. I predict that one day the cards will come crashing down.

No matter, you are on the right track, sweetie. One step at a time, in your own time.

You are doing wonderfully.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 12/27/11 10:30 PM
IB you sound good. I applaud your wanting to go out and have a social life. I was doing the social life awhile and then tried the dating and was not ready plus didn't find anyone really worthwhile for me, and the silly thing is that now I have zero interest in dating anymore...and I just want to go out once in awhile and meet people, male and female, and enjoy myself. So in the past week, I got hit on 3 times. I have NO INTEREST. I'm sitting there each time thinking, why can't you guys just TALK to me? Why do you have to have an agenda that you're trying to hook up? Eww.

It kills me. Somehow my NOT wanting to date is a magnet ;-) So be ready: it may happen to you too! But you can do whatever you want, and if you don't want to date and just want to meet people and have fun as you define fun (which for me is pretty darned conservative compared to what some people mean by fun) then that's YOUR choice. You make the rules.

I thought about XH a lot during the holidays as he is still in my head more than 50% of the time, but like you, it's the him that he was before he became an immoral, deceptive, betrayal-rationalizing child. On my way home from my parents' house, I vowed that his antics aren't "excusable" just because he was a wonderful husband for many years. I feel like you are coming to that point too...and guess what?

I think that means that for Christmas, we got our self-respect back. A nice gift, isn't it?
Posted By: forward Re: Getting Better?? - 12/28/11 01:26 AM
If you do speak to OW, you will probably find a very immature person.

But why bother? Nothing you say is likely to change anything, you know? You'll just be fodder for their conversations.
Posted By: punkin Re: Getting Better?? - 12/29/11 03:41 AM
Irish,

You sound well and grounded. Isn't it hard to get over those "A-Ha" moments, where we wonder wth that man is and what he did with the men we married? Glad to hear you Christmas was merry and bright. Here's to next year!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/31/11 05:41 AM
Venting...

Just spent 3 days at son's basketball tourney. XH and OW show up. 4 games over the last 3 days. I sit in Row 5 they sit Row 7 - now there are 100 different rows all over the arena - but they sit right by me. Why?

Oldest D has breakfast with her dad during the tourney. 2 hours - she says she explains to him how uncomfortable she and her siblings feel right now about all of the PDA XH and OW are displaying in public. She says "Dad, this is a big year - I'm getting married / sister is graduating college / son is graduating high school. Can you just stop putting your relationship in our face all of the time? It makes us all very uncomfortable and we just want to get through this time." XH replies - "get used to it - it's not going to change"

OW did not come to 3rd game (she's not a morning person) - son makes amazing play to win the game. XH is there with group afterwards. It's not perfect - but it's ok. It's ok for son - ok for me - ok for friends and family there - and it seemed to be ok for him. But he won't back off with bringing her around.

For me - it absolutely ruins the whole experience. I try - I really do. But the PDA is disgusting and embarrassing.

He is now taking her to middle D's national competition in college dance. She is angry because she doesn't want her there - but her dad won't respect her feelings.

I'm venting - I know I will be fine - but it is AWFUL. This is MY family and this woman has ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE THERE. She has NO relationship with my kids and she is ridiculously arrogant and obnoxious.

I did run into her in the restroom during the tourney. Did not say a word. Thank God I looked decent:)

Geez - I am ridiculous with how much this irritates me.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 12/31/11 01:22 PM
IB,
You and your family have every right to be disgusted w/this grown man's flaunting of the ow. Why do they sit in the same section w/you? Because they know it aggravates you.

As for your children, I really do feel sorry for them having to put up w/this disgusting behavior. However, keep in mind that attention, not matter whether it is positive or negative is what they crave. The more your children ask him not bring the ow to their functions, the more determined he is to do so. The ow is just along for the ride to keep on your xh's good side...she is his arm candy.

I truly believe that all of this behavior is being done to aggravate the living h@ll out of you and it's working. Even though you are not acknowledging them and their behavior, your body language speaks volumes. The less said to them about the behavior, the better.

I would dearly love to smack the crap out of them for you. This is so uncalled for...but they are acting out and he's still angry w/you, even though you didn't do a thing to him, and this is his way of sticking it to you.

I hope the new year is a much better one for you.
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: Getting Better?? - 12/31/11 01:46 PM
IB,

You are not ridiculous! THEY ARE!

Ever
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 12/31/11 09:05 PM
Snodderly - I do agree with you. My body language does probably reflect the tension I feel when they come around. I go about my business - smiling to people acting "as if" / but I am affected by their presence. I am sure that everyone who experiences an OW exaggerates their "awfulness" - but I am telling you this one takes the cake! It is unbelievable. And I am always the person who redirects conversations to see the best in situations/people, etc. Can't seem to do it here.

Anyway - my resolution this year includes betting better at letting go. Trying to stop anticipating interactions with XH/OW. Just let it go. I don't want to care about it anymore. I am sick of caring about it anymore. To be honest, I'm sick of caring or worrying about anything any more. I am just going to do my best to get MY life together - to get to a point where I am proactive and not reactive. I am overwhelmed with self doubt, fear, anxiety too often. I have to learn to let go.

I wish everyone here a happy, healthy new year! We absolutely DESERVE it!!
Posted By: WenikiTiki Re: Getting Better?? - 12/31/11 10:11 PM
IB

Sounds like a good resolution.

I read your thread and think that planning to say something, even if you don't actually say it helps make you feel better.

I've run into my OW unexpectedly in my gym. I just say "Hi." and move on. Can't tell you if I smile, but I will remember to next time.

Your story about the matching shirts just cracked me up. Yes, that would annoy the heck out of me. When my MIL died my FIL remarried a younger woman. She used to try to jump in and run our family. And as we were all grown, we didn't need her 'help'. But some people don't see when they are being innapropriate.

I hope you have a nice New Years Eve!

Wendy
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/01/12 12:24 AM
Thanks W! Happy New Year to you as well! (Here's hoping:))
Posted By: punkin Re: Getting Better?? - 01/02/12 12:26 AM
What comes first. The chicken or the egg. I keep wondering, "Why does he need to push it into everyone's faces?" There is a huge amount of insecurity here on both his and OW's part. My XH has thankfully pulled away from pushing it into the D's faces, but at the same time, they have lost their Dad. No win situation.

I think you are very lucky to have such warm and loving children, Irish. Perhaps they should just tell Dad to 'get a room'.
Posted By: MaMaMo Re: Getting Better?? - 01/02/12 03:32 AM
Quote:
"Why does he need to push it into everyone's faces?"


Because the drama being caused by the ex and their other people is what keeps the relationship going and strong.

It's them against the betrayed spouse and the others who can not fathom the depth of their soul mate sharing relationship.

So to show the world and all the doubters, they MUST display their affection for all the world to see.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: Getting Better?? - 01/02/12 03:45 AM
It should bother you, that is only normal. They are truly ridiculous. My ex shoves his relationship with OW in my face also. The more I completely ignore OW, the more baffled my ex is. I can say that what Snodderly is saying is true, he wants a reaction. If you remain loving, kind, and sincere, it will bother him even more.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/02/12 10:57 AM
I agree with the other posters. My wishing my xh well with his second ow has, I believe, really upset him. He wanted me to be upset, and I am not [or at least no showing it]

Of course it is upsetting to see people parade their frankly adolescent behaviour in front of you and your children, and if it was anyone else you could dismiss it as pathetic, but it isn't, this is the man who you loved, and is the father of your children so it hurts a lot.

Hugs Beatrice
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/02/12 01:30 PM
Just remember that they are looking for ways to push our buttons. Attention, whether it is positive or negative is what they crave. They are miserable individuals and what better way to get to us and make us just as miserable as they are...by flaunting the op in our faces or out in public for others to bring the stories back to us.

I agree w/the other posters...the more you remain stable, confident and happy, the more confused they get. They don't want us to be kind and compassionate towards them and they can't understand why we aren't raving lunatics just like them.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/05/12 02:47 AM
Well it's a new year and I am working hard to be positive. It helps that XH and OW look like complete crap! (sorry - that's nasty!!)

Anyway - so far, I have signed up for the next level of tennis. I joined a gym and have been taking Zumba classes (and NO I am not good at this!)

But I am doing things and it is helping take my mind off of X and my "old" life. March 21st will be the one year anniversary of my divorce. On one hand it feels like it has been a lifetime and on the other hand it seems like yesterday. I am not healed from the experience - but I am better and I am grateful for that.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/05/12 01:15 PM
IB,
I'm glad to read that you are keeping busy.

So what if you aren't good at things. You'll become a pro once you've taken the lessons and have had ample time to master them. At least you are trying to get a handle on your life and keeping busy. Besides, you are meeting new people and I'm sure as time goes on, some of the new people will become friends.

I understand completely what you are saying about the date of your divorce anniversary, on one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other one, a lifetime.

What's on the agenda for today?
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: Getting Better?? - 01/05/12 04:16 PM
You need to nurture yourself. This is all relatively new, only divorced one year. I promise you each year gets better, you get stonger, and more confident in yourself. You also see the situation clearer and clearer as time passes.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/06/12 01:00 AM
I can see that this is still, even 9 months post divorce and 18 months post X leaving, a very strange unfamiliar world. When I think about having spent 30 years with him - it truly has been over half of my life.

I was thinking about this the other morning on the drive to work...during those 30 years I was truly at my best. No - not perfect. I maybe didn't LOOK my best - but I developed into the KIND of person I wanted to be. Growing up I was always so scared and never had a true sense of self. Mine came through my marriage and family. X was a high school and college athletic star and in his mind his "best" years were outside of the marriage and family realm.

Between the two of us, I think I'm the lucky one.
Posted By: punkin Re: Getting Better?? - 01/06/12 03:20 AM
Irish,

Won't it be a blast when we no longer are aware of the "anniversery" of our divorce, or the Bomb Date? I don't remember the anniversery of my first marriage, just that is was sometimes in March. I remember the First Husband's B/D, but I did for so many years so that the kids would send a card.

I think it is sad that someone believes that his Best days are behind him following High School or College. And don't count yourself out. Perhaps your Best is Yet to Be.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 12:18 PM
Can I just say how much worse - logistically (financially, workload, etc) my life is today than it was when I was still married? I am EXHAUSTED - OVERWHELMED - BURNED OUT ---you name it. Saw XH yesterday at D's event. Thankfully no OW there - but MY situation makes me SO angry. MY life is so much harder and I seriously HATE HIM for this pain and suffering. And let me tell you - he looks awful!!!! His pathetic, selfish, immoral choices have not been a success to anyone or anything EXCEPT his male appendage!!!!!

Happy Monday!!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 01:39 PM
IB,
Right now you are exhausted, burned out and overwhelmed, but in time that will change. It can take a couple of years to get your feet back on the ground and stablize your well being, etc. Please give yourself some time.

As for how your xh looks, it's par for the course, i.e., it's difficult trying to be 18 again. The body can't take that kind of punishment for a long period of time as Mother Nature will step in and remind us that we aren't that age any longer.

Hang in there!
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 03:33 PM
IB what Snodderly wrote to you is very true. I wanted to post to you earlier but my internet went down [cutting my post to Everhopeful neatly in half!

It just takes a long time to get to feeling OK about things, and get your energy back. You can't just will it back, nice as that would be. You have been going through trauma.

And the bit about them looking terrible is so true, my xh nearly died during his crisis. At about the 3 year mark he got a near fatal illness that he is still needing treatment for. One that many people think is largely stress related. He was never really ill the whole time we were married. MLC takes its toll on them and on us.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 05:16 PM
IB,
It took me just about 3 years to get back on my feet from the upheaval. Some can do it sooner, others longer. It all depends upon the circumstances that each person is experiencing. But, you will get there in your own time. Don't push/rush it. Take it one step at a time and don't try to do everything at once. You are not a super mom.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 05:25 PM
IB,
When I referenced super mom, I meant that you can't do 50 thousand things at one time. You are the pillar of strength for your family, but you can't do it all at one time...Again one step at at time. What I found that helped me was to take one project at a time and complete it, rather than trying to do 2 or 3 things at a time. See if this will help you.

IB, you are going to be okay. It just takes time for your heart, soul and mind to heal.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/09/12 06:54 PM
IB try to see if your anger or frustration is linked to how you feel physically. I've come to some pretty hardcore realizations over the past week or so that have shown me that for me, the two go hand in hand. If I feel physically strained, sore, tired, exhausted, sick, you name it, that's when I am the most emotionally messed up where I feel like it's just day one post-bomb and like my life is just "awful" while XH's is just "great" and he's dancing on the ashes of the marriage.

When I feel really good physically, I see things more clearly and see tons of progress for me and notice all the good things that came out of this tragedy.

I don't know which one comes first--I think the two things are so interrelated in me that it's a chicken and egg thing.

But maybe recognizing when you are feeling one or the other negative state, emotional vs. physical, and sort of "knowing" that the other is going to be right on its heels, will help, as you'll know that the two things feed one another and are temporary states.
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Getting Better?? - 01/10/12 05:15 AM
IB I am sorry you are hurting. I do understand how you feel towards your ex, but let the anger go for you. Don't allow that anger to get the best of you. Find some outlet to let it all go.

Working out is one way I got through it. I am so glad today that I went down the path of fitness. I am healhty and fit today and in better shape to care for my kids and family now. It's amazing how much strength and energy you have when you eat healthy and workout.

I hope this is your year to find peace within yourself and with your past situation and please remember it is your past now, you are in complete control of your future. Stay positive and stay strong.
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Getting Better?? - 01/10/12 02:22 PM
IB,

It took me about 4 years post bomb to even start to feel "normal" again.Reallybeing able to forgive both myself and him came somewhere in there too. It seems like it should come faster, but it didn't for me.

With all that you do and the pressure of doing it alone, getting overwhelmed and angry is understandable. Small bites. Finances will eventually work themselves out. Granted my retirement plan may be prison (just kidding....sort of), but I have a plan wink

I hope today is better for you.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/11/12 04:13 AM
Grace - thanks! There is a part of me that knows what I am feeling and going through is normal - but sometimes it doesn't help!

Tonight I was driving home from work and I had one of those moments of clarity (that are fairly rare these days) - I thought about how after working a seriously long day I would be so excited to just come home and crash in the arms of my XH. To talk it out with him - share with him. We were each other's best friend. I absolutely KNOW he felt the same too. I will never know why it wasn't enough for him - but I do miss him.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/11/12 09:00 AM
IB - I think all of us really really miss our former spouses, and who they were, I say this not to trivialise your emotions, but to say I so know how you feel.

Just before my xh started his MLC he had made a long journey and stopped by friends who invited him to stay over before driving the 100 or so miles more to see me. They are good friends who serve superb food and wine, but my xh said he just wanted to get back and see me again! [These friends told me that after he had left when I believed the garbage that he never loved me]

As the song says 'It isn't me who changed but you' They are utterly changed, and it is so very hard to accept that. I remember someone saying here that death would be easier to bear, and being beaten up by another poster, who seemed to think they were wishing their ex spouse dead. I do not wish him dead, but I have a couple of widowed friends who have told me that they think what I have gone through in some ways is harder than their trauma. They volunteered this btw - I didn't ask!
Posted By: Golfgirl1 Re: Getting Better?? - 01/12/12 03:37 AM
IB,
You must 'feel' to heal. Let the emotions hit, and then let them go. Make this about you and not about him. Focus on you and find out what you like again, what do you want to do with your one amazing life? The best thing I ever did was find amazing single girlfriends who share in the joy of life. Try to stay present and moving forward. It's normal to have sadness, anger, grief, but try hard to figure out why you feel those emotions and let them go. Try yoga if you can; it's done wonders for me. The mind body connection is amazing. Just breathe....

There are no distinct timelines for healing; everyone is different. Take your time, you'll get there. smile
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/12/12 04:31 AM
Thanks Bea and GG - I think I am experiencing the "knowing vs. doing" gap!! I do have faith I will get there. And yes I am still making it about him - realizing how much I avoid caring for myself. Lifelong habit that is hard to break - but I want to!!!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/18/12 10:32 PM
Well now...traveled to FL for daughter's college cheer competition. XH drives down with OW but she does not come to event. Good news.

Son stays back home - totals his car (fell asleep at the wheel on the highway...LUCKY to be alive) Bruises and some minor cuts

XH reveals "oh, I only have liability on his car not collision" SO, the $5800 value of the car means nothing and son has no car and son lives with me so I have to take him to school, practice, etc.

Oh yeah...my insurance changed and I am responsible for the first $3000 out of pocket.

3 years ago I was living a nice, middle-class life. Now I am so far down I don't know if I will EVER make it up again. How did this happen???? (rhetorical)

Surely the best times of my life are not gone...surely not.
Posted By: TAMF Re: Getting Better?? - 01/18/12 10:47 PM
Irish - I am right there with you!! Sometimes I just look at my life and think...2 years ago I had a great life. Now I have lost my H, my house, my dog, in debt...divorce is life changing that is for sure!

Hang in there! The future is bright...at least that is what I pray for everyday.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/19/12 02:09 AM
IB you said this: "3 years ago I was living a nice, middle-class life. Now I am so far down I don't know if I will EVER make it up again. How did this happen???? (rhetorical)"

I have to tell you something. I get this entirely... I was putting my XH's and my money into this ever-growing retirement fund when he bailed. I felt like all we worked for was gone.

I have to tell you that since he IS gone, that when I get my statements from my mutual fund company, knowing that XH is paid off and cannot come back and take one more cent, that suddenly, the payroll contributions that I have made for over 10 years MEAN SOMETHING.

I have to say that being dumped has given me this extraordinary wakeup call, and an awareness of how what I put in, I can get out. It's so weird to me, that when I have extra money, I end up spending it ON MY HOUSE. I don't choose to spend it one me, but on my house. I think I appreciate the effort far more now than I would have when his income made it far easier to blow money left and right.

What I have noticed in general is that all the crap XH and I talked about doing to our property I am doing but without his income. I am taking chances that he and I never took even though we had so much more money coming in.

It's funny...I feel like MLCers are supercautious and then they crack and become super NOT cautious.

Maybe the thing that binds us all is that for whatever our faults are/were, we are people who more or less figure stuff out and are more logical and objective and reasoned about major life decisions....
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/19/12 02:14 AM
OH and incidentally...I think that the whole divorce/MLC thing in terms of money going in to retirement can affect that dynamic for a few years...but it can't affect it FOREVER. Newbees need to understand that. There is a point when the divorce settlement reaches equilibrium and no more can be "lost" monetarily

For me it was one year, 7 months, though I think for some it drags on longer (we didnt' have kids).
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/19/12 11:56 AM
IB I am never sure when people post [including me] whether they are venting, journaling reflectively or looking for some sort of input . . . All are good reasons to post

I don't think there is a 'right' or 'good' time for MLC. In my case my xh was older and my youngest was nearly nineteen. And I am a fair bit older than you, so little or no chance to really recoup financially. But i don't think in most cases it is really the material things [OK with a ton of debt it is very very hard] but what they represent. The trashing of our hopes and expectations.

Your h was out the door and divorced quickly. It is all still very raw for you. And you have the OW being paraded around like a prize goat. Ouch!!

I had a very tough few years with my youngest son, with him doing extremely risky and stupid things. He seems largely through that,[I hope] 6 years down the line, but I am fairly sure that his behaviour was driven by misery at the loss of his father. In fact he is now aware of this.

Like yours, my youngest had a near miss with death. It didn't cause an overnight change, but it gradually woke him up to the fact that life was good and he actually wanted to live it.

It is like walking through fog at present, and all we can do is to keep walking. Sometimes round in circles, but eventually our fog clears, and life is better. I can't say it will happen overnight, but given your courage and resilience you will get there sooner rather than later.

In some ways it is difficult that you have to see so much of your xh. Mine largely disappeared, and I see him very very rarely. In fact i will probably never see him again now we are divorced. [That process took years . . . ] My children do not want him in their lives, except on the periphery, and that largely because he is their father and they remember someone very different from who he is now [he seems to be the only one oblivious to the fact that thee changes he has made have not appeared to improve him in any way - he thinks it is because he is no longer trying to please everyone. Hmmm that was largely in his mind from my perspective].

I wish we could go and have a large coffee or drink somewhere. Virtual is good, but sometimes proximity is needed. hugs
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/20/12 02:13 AM
TAMF, Antonia and Bea -
Thanks for your posts. Sometimes I feel so lonely in this journey. This is an experience that cannot be described - truly only felt by those who have experienced profound loss.

I'm trying to keep looking forward. I want to find peace, love and happiness.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/20/12 08:59 AM
Irish - can you turn that last sentence around to 'I want to give peace, love and happiness' It is subtle but important.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/20/12 01:27 PM
IB,
You have described this experience perfectly...it can't be described unless people have walked in our shoes. IB, until the raw/open wound has healed a bit, you may feel lonely and confused. It's a normal feeling. You may begin to feel differently when spring is in full bloom and you can get outside and enjoy the warm weather and your yard.

IB, I think you are too hard on yourself. You have done everything humanly possible and now it is in God's hands. Be kind to yourself and know that everything will fall into place when the time is right. Don't rush your healing process, allow the wounds to heal in their time and know that you are going to be okay. Yes, in time, you will find peace, love and happiness once again.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/20/12 07:00 PM
It has helped me to think that often there are other equally difficult trials people go through that have nothing to do with marriage or infidelity but have to do with other things entirely that create the same feelings of "this is only happening to me" or "I'm alone in this journey."

Generally when I get caught up in feeling alone I try to imagine that in a room full of others that I can never really know what kind of nightmares other people are facing, and my empathy for their suffering, whatever it might be, helps me see that I have to, like Beatrice says, GIVE peace, love, and happiness.

There is a woman in my mediation group who is happily married--and yet her mother is dying slowly, and her mother is incredibly mean to her on top of it. I have another girlfriend who went through something similar--her mother is downright abusive verbally to her (and was physically abusive in her childhood) and calls her worthless and a bad mother. This friend is one of just two siblings, and her elder sister, who is a big flake, does nothing for the mother and gets all sorts of praise. So my friend is the one who drops everything she is doing every time her mother has yet another emergency room trip (and some of her problems are exacerbated by her psychological states) as her mother has no one else to help, but the end result is that then her mother just abuses her from the hospital bed. This friend is happily married and miserable because of the guilt and shame her mother puts on her and she lacks the strength to break out of the role she is in. She feels alone because none of the rest of her friends have crazy abusive mothers.

So most people have something going on that's isolating. For me, trying to focus on praying for them while praying to be more mindful of what is GREAT in my life is helping me to feel less depressed and isolated.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Getting Better?? - 01/21/12 01:20 AM
IB, you know I have been telling you for a long time that you are so hard on yourself.

The way to get further along in the healing process is to accept what you feel.

Once you acknowledge that it is ok to feel overwhelmed and sad and angry, those feelings begin to lose power.

And then, when you are ready, and no one can tell you when that should be, you learn to let those feelings wash over you.

And soon, it becomes less intense and less often.

When you put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way according to some timeline you have in your head, you continue to hold onto those feelings.

So, keep moving forward. One day at a time. Keep looking within to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

Keep trying new things, learning new things, and remember that you do not have to do everything. You do not have to be superwoman.

It is ok to have bad days. It is ok to feel overwhelmed.

It is what you do with the feelings that make all the difference.

You are not defined by what your marriage was or wasnt for that matter.

While I know that this is not the life you envisioned, it can be a good life, a different one. This time you are in charge of how it unfolds. There is something really cool about that.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/22/12 05:18 AM
You all are awesome! In my mind I am working so hard - but I don't seem to be making much progress. How do you know what's being "too hard" on yourself and just expecting yourself to do the right thing?

Saw XH tonight at son's ball game. Will give him credit that he has not brought OW around since daughter had talk with him. It does make it easier. He took son to breakfast this morning and told him that he almost has all of his debt paid off and so he might be able to get son a car in the next month or so. REALLY? I'm ready to file bankruptcy but HE has been able to concentrate solely on himself and put all of his resources towards his debt. I have been dealing with life and kids and the sh*t he left unfinished behind. He looked lighter and happier tonight. Lucky him.

I want my turn...
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/22/12 02:25 PM
IB,
Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't gotten so close to paying off his debt. Take what he tells your son w/a grain of salt. Too many of them say this and make promises to help their children out and then don't. Many of them tell their children things just so that the news will be carried back to the former spouse.

IB, you are trying to do everything and be a superwoman. Take each day as it comes and look at your list and see what you can accomplish that day....don't try to do everything in one day. Also, please do not compare yourself to your xh.

Believe it or not, you have a far better life than he does at the moment. You have your family w/you who adore you, family, friends and a nice home. Your xh only has the ow and spends very little time w/his children. What you have is worth more than a brick of gold.

Carve out some time each day for yourself. Be it you sit down and have a nice cup of coffee, read, watch your favorite show, or a bubblebath...you owe it to yourself to do these things.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/23/12 12:58 AM
Thanks Snodderly. There's this gap between what I know in my head and what I actually feel. Can't seem to get balanced. I will take your advice and try to slow down for awhile.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/25/12 06:13 AM
Does anyone ever get lost in what "stage" they are in this process? I do - have no idea what I'm really feeling. Is that normal? I just don't know.

Life has been so extremely busy lately - I can't believe all of the parenting XH has missed.

Anyway - that's him, not me!
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/25/12 06:55 PM
I am less and less sure about these 'stages'. I think they represent, for some MLcers, a kind of possible progression. Certainly can't fit my xh into this at all. He appears to be back at the beginning - in replay and anger?? Has certainly been very very depressed and withdrawn at times. I would say he has achieved some sort of personal accommodation which enables him to function in some way, without being actually alive. I can't put it more clearly than that. But it is a fairly fragile equilibrium which quickly tips into anger, and replay-type behaviours.

Nowhere near ready to face anything, including the damage he has done. Although there is a vague awareness at times that all is not well. But mainly other people's fault. A lot of blame

Seems to want more contact with his children at times, but is equally 'happy' to go several months without any contact. It is a bit like living on the edge of a volcano, largely smouldering, but you never know when it is going to erupt again.

I know I am very tired with dealing with any remaining fall out, which you get at times when there are children, even adult ones.

As for acceptance . . . . wouldn't know what that looked like if it bit me . . .
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/26/12 03:09 AM
A couple of bizarre things happened today....

1. Got an email from X. We have very little interaction. Lots of information regarding finances - even an admission that divorce has taken its toll on finances. The last paragraph surprised the crap out of me...

I understand why but I hate that our relationship is like this. I still do hope that along the way we can somehow come to an agreement to at least be able to speak to each other amicably in public and have decent conversations, if not for ourselves but for our kids, friends and other relatives, so that they may become more comfortable in the presence of both of us. Thanks you for sharing with me the things you knew when I was calling about son. I do appreciate all the things you have done for me and the kids over the years. I am sorry that I have blamed you for so many things in the past when I now realize that it was my own fault that I was not happy and experiencing the problems that I did…

Hmmmmm....

2. My son gets a 17 page letter from XH's brother. Concerned about son's "soul". Basically spent part of the letter explaining why Catholicism is evil. Then stated that "I know the divorce is hard. I have told your Dad that he is a sinner and that his girlfriend is a sinner. Have tried to get him to read the bible and repent. But he won't do it." Then talks to him about how son has to turn his life around before its too late.

My son sees his uncle once every 2 years. I try very hard to not be judgmental. And I always question myself or second guess myself - "am I the crazy one? is there something wrong with me?" But I feel like my former BIL crossed a boundary.

Anyway - just a very strange day.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/26/12 08:26 AM
IB - sometimes our xhs wake up and smell the coffee for a brief period. Sometimes it is the prelude to a longer wake up. Who knows?

It sort of reminds us that the man we married is in there, buried alive. Not sure whether it makes it better or worse though.

I also read a desire to feel good about himself . . .

As to your bil. What can anyone say? I would hope that your son is old enough to be able to deal with this, with your emotional support.

Clearly a pretty dysfunctional family on your h's side so no surprises there
Posted By: kml Re: Getting Better?? - 01/26/12 10:33 PM
Quote:
I am sorry that I have blamed you for so many things in the past when I now realize that it was my own fault that I was not happy and experiencing the problems that I did


Well - it's nice to get that kind of admission from your ex, isn't it?

XH's brother sounds like a nutjob and your son should just throw the letter in the trash and stay as far as possible away from him.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/26/12 11:47 PM
Thanks for the feedback.

I can't help but feel that while he "blames" himself now for his unhappiness that he truly means he blames himself for marrying me in the first place.

Oh well - doesn't really matter.
Posted By: forward Re: Getting Better?? - 01/27/12 12:03 AM
Maybe XBIL means well, but you might point out to your S that it's weird that someone who barely knows him would send him that kind of information.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/27/12 03:04 PM
IB,
I'm going to offer my take on what your xh wrote to you. He had a moment of clarity and by sending this to you, it made him feel better. He wants to smooth things over w/you so that when you both are in public, everyone will think that you are okay w/what he's done and continues to do. My xh wrote similar bs after my bil passed away. It's all about them being seen as the "good guy". They hate it when we are annoyed and angry w/their behavior.

As for your bil, he should be preaching to his brother, not your son. He has no business sending such trash to your son. You don't know what your xh has told him and I would simply ignore your bil's bs unless it gets worse. Yes, your bil crossed the line on this...he is not your son's parent.

You are not crazy...your xh is and he's feeding a line of bs to anyone that will hear him. Stay the course and do what is best for you and your family.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/28/12 05:38 AM
OK - will try this again:/ - here is X's email from today:

...feel completely terrible for the pain and heartache I have caused everyone. I have still not found the peace and happiness for which I strive but continue to try to figure that out and attempt to make gains in that direction every day. Two steps forward and one step back is huge progress…Thank you again for all of this and trying to make everything work to the best of your ability. I know that if I had it to do over or by myself that the end results may not have turned out any differently, one way or the other. I’m sure I will see you at the game tonight and will share in your pride of our awesome son and wonderful daughters.

So I get this message earlier in the day. He shows up at son's game with OW (she hasn't been to the last couple of games). She has the lowest cut shirt on I've ever seen. Ugh!

Anyway - and I know I should not care - but how do I interpret the comment: "if I had to do over or by myself that the end results may not have turned out any differently, one way or the other. "

I don't understand it and maybe I shouldn't even try to make sense of crazy!
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/28/12 06:40 AM
IB, interpreting them tends to be a cheeseless tunnel, as you know. We can always be totally off.

However, I can tell you that my XH said something quite similar and I don't know if it will help or not.

When I last saw XH November 1, at the funeral for our cat, he was as out of the tunnel as I'd ever seen him and telling me he missed me and would always love me. But when I asked him, "if you had this all to do over, would you still have betrayed me", first he said, "I dont' know, I might have given you a chance and our marriage a chance...I SHOULD HAVE given our marriage a chance." (Notice that he still was putting it on me to be the one to fix things there...)

THEN, 30 min. later, he changed his answer and he said, "If I had it to do over would I have betrayed you again? Well, knowing that things turned out the way they did, that I ended up with OW and I got an apartment and 'things worked out ok for me', then YES, I would have betrayed you again."

Then he said, "why did you make me say that?"

I said "I only wanted the truth. Wow. There it is."

My take on your XH and my XH's comments is this: if they had it to do over, they'd do the same. Why? Because they didn't lose EVERYTHING from what they did. They didn't end up in the poorhouse, or they didn't end up without the OW. Therefore, they made the "right" choice. They only equate "wrong" choice with the choice that makes them end up with "nothing", "alone", no family or wife or girlfriend. Total oblivion.

This is still justification/rationalization for immoral behavior, for vow-breaking behavior. "Well it can't be all bad, or else I'd have lost everything."

2 observations on this: it's a very childish way to rationalize a selfish conniving betrayal. It's akin to "well I bullied that kid but I didn't lose all my priveleges at school, so it's all good."

It's also the kind of rationalization that makes these people incapable of acting like a giving, loving, equal partner in a relationship; their world is made up of a system of rewards and punishments, and they aren't motivated to do right for the intrinsic value of being good to others, but they do right (or wrong) based only on whether they "get in trouble" or not.

For that reason, despite the fact that it hurts, these are NOT the people we want to be in committed relationships with. They can't act as equals if this is their mindset. They cannot meet us halfway or even close to it. We are better off detached from them.

I hope that someday they come to the realization that they need to grow up. But I think you and I are better off without people this selfish in our lives. Perhaps they were not this selfish before, but right now, this is all they are capable of, and it's toxic and it's better that we are away from it.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Getting Better?? - 01/28/12 09:31 AM
IB, I agree with both Snodderly and Antonia. A lot of this is about feeling OK with himself and his choices.

I really believe that very deep down they know they have wrecked their lives, but they are surviving, not flourishing, and that is OK with them.

For some of them their world caves in eventually, but so many just go on existing and they have this overwhelming need to believe it could not have been otherwise. That is a crucial for them, I think. Otherwise where do you go from here? It is either clean up your act, or go on as you are, trying to convince yourself you would have ended up there anyway.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Getting Better?? - 01/28/12 04:08 PM
To follow up on what Beatrice said about how they need to believe It could not have been otherwise, yes, absolutely, I think they MUST rationalize what they did, because the alternative is to admit that their choices netted them something lesser than what they had, and it's THEIR FAULT that they are in this position. Granted, the LBS was probably responsible for some bit of disharmony in the marriage, but the LBS was always showing she wanted to work to fix things. If they were to admit that they made a big mistake, they'd have no one to blame but themselves because none of us pushed divorces.

I mean, if we had messed up lives, on some level, we'd have an excuse, we were betrayed, deceived, our exes walked away from uss without much warning. But if the architect of your messed up life is YOU, that's got to be worse. So I think they have a basic instinct to keep telling themselves the story that it was all meant to be this way because facing the truth is too tough.

Yes some eventually face the truth and themselves, and I am thrilled that it happens for those people because whether they reconcile with their spouse or not, I think those people who successfully navigate the MLC probably can build much more fulfilling and honest lives down the road. But for most I don't think they have the strength to ever face it. Would WE have the strength to face it if we had been in their shoes? I don't know.

So maybe the thing to do is to just try to not take this personally--I know tough to do, but try--and see that maybe the only way they can function and not completely lose it themselves is if they keep telling themselves lies and rationalizations.
Posted By: job Re: Getting Better?? - 01/28/12 04:08 PM
IB,
You read the message, now let it go. He's trying to maniupulate your thoughts/feelings into warm and fuzzy ones. He wants you to settle down and play nicey in his sandbox so that the outside world thinks that you are okay w/what he's done. Take what he says w/a grain of salt and pour the rest of the salt down the drain.

Actions speak louder than words.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 07:47 PM
Truer words have not been spoken - Actions speak louder than words.

XH shows up again last night with OW and the show continues - hand holding / PDA. I agree with all of you - it relieves his soul to send "kinder" messages. My son has about 6 more games and I cannot wait until I do not have to see the spectacle any longer. I'm absolutely sick to death of my weekends being ruined by their public displays. I do not feel I am in control of the emotional reflex that flashes when he appears - but I am in control of what I do with it.

I hate how I feel right now!
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 07:50 PM
Take a water pistol to the next game... grin
Posted By: seeking answers Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 07:56 PM
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Take a water pistol to the next game... grin

Filled with cat urine...
Posted By: sleeper Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 08:55 PM
They are nothing but Id. It's all about them. This may be why so many justify leaving with what sounds trivial. We and/or the marriage were not PERFECTLY filling THEIR needs. Could that be a contributing factor in the fact that second and third marriages have increasingly higher divorce rates? Our failure to make them happy is a dealbreaker in their self centered world. Several times post separation but pre divorce X became unhappy with my choices/refusal to meet her demands. In a fit of anger she would scream at me, "This is why we're getting a divorce"! I didn't see the dysfunction that was reflected by her comments until reading your post (thank you).

OW may be happy now but it probabably won't last. I'm beginning to see fraying around the edges of X and OMH's relationship. That giddy, feel good, honeymoon, he's perfect time doesn't last forever.
Posted By: sleeper Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 09:00 PM
Oh here's food for thought. When X married OM, I was present when DD asked X, "Mom, how long will you and OM stay married"? Of course my heart sank at the obvious example X had set for DD by her actions but X's reply had deeper meaning; "For a long time honey".

Not forever? ! ? !
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 10:42 PM
antonia

it's as if your h is saying "What? Should I have robbed the bank? Well, no one pressed charges even though they lost a lot of money, I didn't go to jail and I still have SOME of the money left--so...yeah... I guess I would".

Brilliant...zero insight on his end. Like NO ONE got hurt b/c after all, HE is okay...


I wish I had an emoticon that rolled her eyes...

smirk
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Getting Better?? - 01/29/12 10:47 PM
Originally Posted By: irishblessings
A couple of bizarre things happened today....

1. Got an email from X. We have very little interaction. Lots of information regarding finances - even an admission that divorce has taken its toll on finances. The last paragraph surprised the crap out of me...

I understand why but I hate that our relationship is like this. I still do hope that along the way we can somehow come to an agreement to at least be able to speak to each other amicably in public and have decent conversations, if not for ourselves but for our kids, friends and other relatives, so that they may become more comfortable in the presence of both of us. Thanks you for sharing with me the things you knew when I was calling about son. I do appreciate all the things you have done for me and the kids over the years. I am sorry that I have blamed you for so many things in the past when I now realize that it was my own fault that I was not happy and experiencing the problems that I did…

Hmmmmm....

Not a bad letter to get in and of itself...maybe a start to a better place.

2. My son gets a 17 page letter from XH's brother. Concerned about son's "soul". Basically spent part of the letter explaining why Catholicism is evil.


This ^^^^ drives me NUTS! It's the angry evangelicals who think their energy should be spent on condeming other Christians...go feed the hungry or convert some non-Christians--but oh, btw, start by modelling Christ's behavior,

not the ones who crucified him...good grief...

And they ALWAYS project their ignorance of our faith onto us, telling us what we believe (and I've never heard one of them get it right--saying we "worship" the Pope or that he's the Anti-Christ...yeah real normal thing to say) ETC...

Never in my life have I EVER tried to get someone to BE Catholic but countless times have other "Christians" told me why I don't belong...

Sorry, but that pushed so many buttons in me...@#$%^!!!!!


Then stated that "I know the divorce is hard. I have told your Dad that he is a sinner and that his girlfriend is a sinner. Have tried to get him to read the bible and repent. But he won't do it." Then talks to him about how son has to turn his life around before its too late.

My son sees his uncle once every 2 years. I try very hard to not be judgmental. And I always question myself or second guess myself - "am I the crazy one? is there something wrong with me?" But I feel like my former BIL crossed a boundary.

Anyway - just a very strange day.


He crossed a line big time.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/30/12 02:23 AM
25 -
Hate to sound stupid - what do you mean "he crossed a line big time"
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Getting Better?? - 01/30/12 07:13 AM
the brother in law crossed a boundary by lecturing your child on his faith. NOT his job, let alone to criticize it.

I've never understood the whole "bash another denomination" thing anyhow. Why aren't people just glad I find comfort in my faith?

Same for your bil. And your son is YOUR son, and it's not his uncle's job to lecture him on the "evils of Catholicism".

And I'm making an assumption here, but I'd bet you a big glass of evil Merlot wine

that his "info" and "insights" are inaccurate and bigoted...

So that's the boundary I meant.

Sorry it bugged me so much but it touched a chord I may discuss later-

okay now

the first and only time I ever knew someone didn't like Catholics

was when my mil refused to attend the baptism of our son, her only grandchild at the time.

When my h asked her why, she was on the speaker phone and said

"b/c it's Catholic"...

while there were other issues she had - THAT SENTENCE changed our r

forever...

Kudos to you for handling things with so much grace.

Your h knows it, and he his HIS stuff to deal with IF and WHEN that happens...

but you won't have any regrets for being a woman of dignity and grace in adversity. You are also modelling that for your son.

((( )))
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Getting Better?? - 01/30/12 10:58 PM
Thanks for the clarification! I've never understood it either - I keep thinking "I've tried to live a good, clean life and model that for my kids"...so was he saying I was doing something wrong by following my faith?

At this point my GAS factor on the whole thing = 0!!!!:)
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