We have been married 21 years ( both 37 years), never any problems, 2 kids one 14 years and the other 19 years, away at Univ, as of last Oct. 2010, which I believe has been the 'spark' to her issues.
She struggled dealing with the departure of daughter to Uni.but when she returned after xmas I thought W was dealing with it. Did not think any more about it (clearly should have).
W does not work full time and since daughter away W thrown herself into her voluntry work more so.
My enlightenment came 7 April this year, came home at lunch time to pick some thing up and found hotmail account open with unknown name, but W names also shown as it can do. Content from sender to W explicit but w replies not so. Stunned and disbelieve on my part, W had little interest in sex due to medical condition.
When she returned I challenged her, she said it had been going on for a few months and was very defensive, later she changed her position and said it was not her, clearly a lie. W not a liar in past !
Following day she said that over the night feelings came over her that she loved me but was not sure if she was in love with me anymore. She also felt lost and not sure of her postion anymore, no doubt due to daughter at Uni.
Since then W said not wanted to discuss, her head was in her words 'mush' ( is this the Fog) and she wished it would sought itself out and says shes feels guilty for the hurt she has caused me.
Founded further evidence since, W only admits when really pressed, I had thought she would confess all, but no just what she gets found out on. Less issues arising and less confrontations from me, things seem more stable but not normal. She is very negative about all things in relation to herself.
She has at my request shut down the hotmail account but I suspect she may have others, and is very secretive about her cell phone, not been visable around the house like it was 6 months or so ago. W denies anything going on via her phone, but I suspect otherwise.
Is this her MLC and do I really not investigate her phone ?
Any advice much appreciated.
IS there Light at the end !
Well Light,
If she is having an affair she is going to be secretive about it.
"Why can't she just be honest?"
Because she is protecting people.
Herself, the OM, your children and...strangley you.
Don't be giving her a medal for it, but realize it for what it is.
Investigate your phone?
You could, but your instincts are more than enough proof right now. If you think something is wrong; it likely is.
And that is as far as you currently go with your instincts, because all the other stuff you think is instinctual will push her away.
Is it an MLC?
Check out the resources at the top of the page. And figure out if any of it clicks. No one here is an expert or a paid professional in this area. Just guys and gals who have spouses who fall into the category.
We are here to help you, advise you and keep you going on the dark days when you want to chuck everything.
Is there light at the end?
There is always light at the end.
It might not be the light you currently think you want...it might be, but there is light.
Light, I asked a lot of the same stuff. Some of it matters, some not.
Is it MLC?
Only you can decide if this is close enough to an MLC to treat it that way. Imagine texting your mechanic when your car has died, he can't smell the antifreeze... Reading the resources will help decide your approach.
Is there an affair?
Again, only you know what is normal behavior and not.
Occam's Razor.
Honestly, from hindsight, an affair is a symptom, not the disease. Been around a while, and still really believe that.
"Really really," as Donkey would say.
That includes "emotional affairs." Not the problem, just a symptom of it.
Do I snoop through the phone, (or diary, or car, or purse, or gymbag, or laundry, and etc...)?
No.
Let me repeat that. No.
What do you hope to find? More proof? More things to confront her with? Oh, here's one, a solid no denial case that she slept with someone!!
Compared to where you are right now......What the F are you gonna do with any of that?
Right now, confronting her with that info is pressure, and only serves to drive her further from you in a defensive posture.
Pressure is the last thing you want to create with her.
Pressure justifies the "bad" feelings she is associating with you right now.
That just builds the next steps, "I feel like you are always telling me what to do... etc."
I'm not telling you to roll over and tap out here, this is where you set boundaries, etc.
Dude, don't snoop.
If you're looking for evidence in a fault driven divorce case to destroy her, fire away. But I don't think that's why you're here.
If you're looking for things to hold over her head while you rebuild your marriage.....
It don't work that way. So leave that snooping alone.
We're on your side. Buy the books, read them. Post a lot. Heed the replies.
Best.
Shep
Well you never know what you may find hiding under a rock...
Hey Punkt... good to see you...
Following day she said that over the night feelings came over her that she loved me but was not sure if she was in love with me anymore. She also felt lost and not sure of her postion anymore, no doubt due to daughter at Uni.
You can speculate what is going on in her head and the why's but you will just find frustration.......
Frustration because you are desparately trying to apply "reason" to a situation that is totally absent of "reason"....
It will tear you apart......
She will change her mind constantly, say one thing then do another.
You will see glimpses of your old wife and think....
"ahhhh, she's back!!!!" only to be hurt yet again when she does the things she does and says the things she says.
Unless you are the most patient, understanding, compassionate, resilient person that ever walked the earth, you WILL NOT be able to take the pain from the debris that will come flying at you from the tornado your W has created around herself.
Keep your distance, do not engage, let her spin......it is hard to watch the person you love so much hurt themselves but it is the only way throught this.
If this is MLC, you will be dealing with a very ugly monster. The tendency will be to sit there and stare as you watch the carnage. Reading the resource threads will help you understand what she is going through and help you chart YOUR path.
While this forum and MWD's books are about saving your marriage the most important thing you can do is.....
SAVE YOURSELF FIRST !!!!!!
Spending too much time watching the tornado rip through your life will rob you of time that you could be spending working on YOU.
This time is a gift......USE it!!!
We will sometimes challenge people who come here to put themselves in their spouses shoes and list what would be their spouse's marital complaints about them........
That is a good place to start but far too many (like myself) try to quick fix those issues and run back to the wayward spouse and say....." Look!!! I changed, come back!!!"
BIG MISTAKE, that most make.....I did.
What are some of the things you would like to change about you???
How would you make a better YOU ????
Get in shape???
Get a better job????
Be more involved with the kids???
Read a book???
Take up a hobby or sport???
Be a better listener???
Be more compassionate, more patient, more understanding???
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Get the idea?????
Cheers
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my
ultra brand new and improved list of links.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...403#Post2074403Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach.
Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to
start to work on yourself.
Knowledge is Power.
Cat! snicker...
Well you never know what you may find hiding under a rock...
No truer words have been spoken
Best,
Punkt
Light, I think we may have laid a heavy load of "Read! Study! Learn! and then get back to us!" on you.
Can't describe it, just that we can sometimes be collectively heavy while putting the rough diamonds before you.
So, here it is in a nutshell. All the resources and links that were posted to you, are absolutely the real deal as far as MLC, divorce-busting, and just plain surviving the impending madness goes.
If you don't read and use them as context / backdrop for your situation, people will challenge you and wonder if you are serious.
That don't mean that you can't throw out what's going on and how it's hitting you while you are going through that reading pile. You absolutely should, it's cathartic and the replies will begin to build your reference plane on the situation.
Best,
Punkt
Hey Punkt,
Another un-named board that I am on has the refrain from a song that says:
MLC takes Time.
Our spouses give us this GIFT of TIME.
And while I agree that I give out a LOT of Homework.
We do have lots of time.
So the question becomes how do we use it as wisely as possible.
I am not saying that everyone needs to read all this but like you said.
If you don't read and use them as context / backdrop for your situation, people will challenge you and wonder if you are serious.
It is just free advice so take it FWIW.
I could charge everyone double and make so much more money.
Cadet, you're absolutely right, I just didn't want to scare him off. If I sounded critical, sorry, if not, no worries.
I like what you said about time... while it didn't seem like a gift back then, looking back it was. Thx
Thread-jack:
Punkt!
How the hellio have you been man?!!?!
It is good to 'see' you.
BWAHAHAHA, JACK! as a very wise man once said... it is good to be "seen."
And I'm very well pleased to find you moderating here.
"in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should..."
(and I'm really really good, thanks.)
Thread-jack uh, over.
Well guys, it was a bit of a shock I must admit, seeing what may well be my situation set out in black and white.
I have read alot on line and recently started to read the Divorce Busting Book, so the learning begins in 'earnest'.
Still not sure it is MLC, she has not given me a list of my apparent failings/ faults, although its my fault we have socialised more. 90% of the time she is perfectly fine toward me and, no screaming matches etc. I had started to stop 'trying' ( calls, gifts etc ) before I discovered the 180, because I was just not getting any real response/ feedback/ follow on.
I think this has had some effect, but still unsure if it might not be too harsh at this stage. I find that I struggle to get past a week without touching on OR resulting in some upset.
It feels that I am sharing her with others, and this upsets me greatly, in addition to the unknown future. How do some of you guys hang on ? Cannot help but wonder that if the odds are no more than 50/50 that we can still be rejected at the end of MLC, then perhaps we should walk away now and get the hurt over in one go as it were.
Back to the 'book'.
Light At !
How do some of you guys hang on ?
well; because:
Cannot help but wonder that if the odds are no more than 50/50 that we can still be rejected at the end of MLC, then perhaps we should walk away now and get the hurt over in one go as it were.
This mindset is a selfish mindest.
This is your marriage we are talking about here, not some game, not some percentage chance. And For the record 50-50? Those are awesome odds.
If all you are doing is looking at numbers, then honestly this is not the place for you. If you are looking a the odds right now, instead of defying them, you'll find easier reasons to quit down the road.
Just because your wife is not upholding her wedding vows, does that give you the right to drop your own vows?
This is the 'worse' in the for better or worse.
Better is easy, look at all the married people who can do easy, I can do easy when I am sleeping, with a blindfold and my hands tied behind my back.
Worse?
Worse took everythig I had.
The only number you should ever concern yourself with is the percentage chance YOU bring to the odds. You are the wildcard, and you affect those odds, every minute, every hour and every day.
It might well be described as selfish, but I cannot believe that most have not considered that at one stage, perhaps I am being more honest !!
Just perhaps we all have to find our own 'level' in being able to deal with it.
But you're correct this is the 'worse'element of the marriage vows and I need to get past these early issues (only 9 weeks in).
Light,
I wasn't actually attacking you.
We ALL have felt that way. My goal, is to point out that YOUR vows, YOUR Promise is worth more than the odds. No matter what anyone else does, no matter what promises they break, you should always hold yourself to your own convictions.
Fair...it isn't fair. Nope, but the guy who told you life is fair, needs to be Ryu-Ken'd in the family jewels.
And all you need to do is watch a spider feeding on a fly to realize that the universe isn't all about happiness.
It might well be described as selfish, but I cannot believe that most have not considered that at one stage, perhaps I am being more honest !!
You are in pain and shock. But to try and rationally predict what you can tolerate and possibly forgive, is damn hard at this point. You'll have to give yourself time on this. And TIME is something you sort of have a lot of
and yet, you have to change YOU and that has to happen NOW, "from this day forward"....someday when you are ready, we'll all talk about how to get past this.
For now, getting through it, is the goal.
Just perhaps we all have to find our own 'level' in being able to deal with it.
But you're correct this is the 'worse'element of the marriage vows and I need to get past these early issues (only 9 weeks in).
Div Busting can and does work. Not always, not most of the time. But more than anything else I tried.
And I tried several marriage counselors before this site. Finally found a mc who was in alignment with this solution based approach. The prior counselors were trying to change H's mind about the choices he was making. Some said openly that he was "acting like a man without a family" and another said "Sounds as if you want to be single"...which left me with squat...I mean what was I supposed to do with that info?
As an important aside, the best news you can get from a MC is that YOU have some work to do on YOU...b/c if it's all about her being wrong,
then you are powerless. But if there are things you can or should do differently, that is empowering.
Only a solution based approach was able to do that for me. I was thrilled to see that I had made mistakes b/c I knew I could DO SOMETHING about that! Please realize this...you want to be "wrong" about something so you can work on it.
If you are a truly perfect mate and your w still leaves...that's BAD news...that's called hopeless. Fortunately, it's pretty rare to have happen....like never....
That MC, and the DB coach I had, were the two Godsends that saved our m.
I give myself some credit for growth. I forgave things I never thought I would and have no problem with it now. (does not mean I could do it again however...just saying, I got through it, eventually, with my head held high).
I see things more clearly and how wrong my own approach had been for years....
I recall thinking "for a smartypants educated woman, I sure can be stupid"...or stubborn, or needing to be 'right"
btw, you will soon need to choose between needing to be "right" and being happy.
I chose happy.
Go with this program and share what you need to share. There are
screen names and no posting of personal contact, for a reason. It's safer.
You are in the right place for a painful reason.
FWIW, you have a lot of good signs in your situation and I'm not sure you see that.
She has NOT mentioned divorce or leaving, correct? Also if she has a medical condition that
"prevents sex", then how's she going to have a PA? ( I wasn't clear on this issue but you mentioned it...do you have a good intimate R?)
Don't assume her medical condition is not a serious emotional issue for her. Having her D leave for college
and having a med condition are two milestones that
remind us of time passing and our lives coming into their decline.
NO wonder she's throwing herself into her volunteer work. She needs meaning to attach to her life as half of her "purpose" just left the home.
Read Laura Munson' article about her husband's MLC and her approach to it. It's called
"Those Aren't Fighting Words".
good luck, keep keeping on
Thanks 25 you have been most helpful.
No she has not spoken about divorce or leaving, just said that she is still here and never packed her bags, which I have taken as a positive.
It interesting you noted the lack of sex/love making,her condition meant she has a low sex drive, much to my disappointment, but felt that was the price to pay to be with her. Now interesting an article on MSM, see below :
A 2002 study of almost 300 women by an American psychologist found that sexually active participants who were not using condoms as their contraceptive were less likely to suffer from depression than those who did. The experts involved believe that the hormone prostaglandin, which is only found in semen, may be absorbed into the female body, where it helps to regulate her hormones and thus reduce the risk of mental illness.
Now with the likelyhood of depression being in there (w)somewhere, for the last year or so we used condoms up to approx. Jan this year, then she returned to the pill, a newer one which she has said, that since being on it she was more interested in sex, shame she didn't let me know !
Since the bomb was dropped we have had sex 3 times and made love twice, previously that was 6 months worth.
Anyway I thought the scientific facts were interesting.
Onward with my self searching !
Last friday our daughter returned home from Uni. for summer hols. Just last evening(Sunday) she commented on how 'weird' her mother was acting since her return and was not sure if she could cope with it all summer.
Well I realise that MLC could cause this strange behaviour and was not sure if I was imagining it, but clearly not. That said since the 'bomb' and what she has done, she has not been unpleasant to me, hence the sex in my last post.
Still unsure if it is entirely MLC, should I be trying the 180 and keeping'distant' at this stage, that said, doing as I did all the wrong things (gifts, calls etc) early on didn't help me or prompt anything but a minimal response from W.
Last week W rang me at work to say how angry she was to read in local paper that a local Offical she was dealing with had 'lied' to her and the Action group she's involved in. Managed to bite my tongue on that one !
Onward and upward !
I should have added to my last post, yet to be online though, that my own self improvement is making progress, not easy, but I am identifying the areas were its needed, I believe.
Made mistake today, somehow we got talking about our R and I pressed her
on why she felt the need to hide your cell phone, she denied it of course, so now she
is aware of my awareness to it.
W also said that she was not feeling as cherished in the last few weeks and that I had pulled away from her, which was part of the 180 I was trying out, can they react like this if they are really suffering MLC? Maybe I have misunderstood the signs, the emails to/from other men, the evasiveness, lies, hiding cell phone, but then no list of my failings, not verbally hurtful to me or a desire to get out more with others ….
Anyway, right or wrong I asked whether anything had happened in her childhood that should not have happened and that she had not told me. I was staggered to hear her reply of yes, and she said a family friend ( male) had done something, she was not specific and I was too shocked to ask (glad I didn’t, didnt want to add to her probs) , but she lead me to believe it was not good and that it was more than once. She referred to her issues of the ‘dark’, she was very distressed at this stage, as anyone can imagine. I have been as supportive as I can at this early stage, after the shock and, not asking any questions etc. She has needed lots of hugs ! Said I had opened a can of worms now, which of course I had, unknowingly.
Now I feel guilty about thinking this, but in the light of me having been pressing her about the cell phone, placing her in a’corner ‘ so to speak, plus the view of believing nothing of what MLC’rs say ( get them out of a corner), from past experiences had anyone else experienced any thing similar. Or is it, as has been written about, that MLC is related to unresolved past (childhood) issues? and this might be hers.
The male involved died 19 years ago and she said she has never told anyone, I feel desperately for her, but cannot help but be a little nervous about this, bearing in mind the lies that she has told since this all began.
Is there anybody out there !!
Yes Light,
There are, it was a long weekend in both Canada and the US, and I hoping the lack of response was from people busy with a GAL type weekend.
I myself was gone from the 1st until today.
MLC almost always (I shy away from always and never, great words that set you up to eat your foot) tend to have roots in te childhood, some sort of trauma the MLC couldn't nor should be able to deal with as a child, that resurfaces years later when a trigger is hit.
Pressing issues with a WAS or a MLC WAS is seldom a good idea. It hits 'flight or flight' Neither reaction is generally what the LBS wants.
We (LBS) also have this fantasy idea that somewhere if we keep digging enough the 'truth' will come out and that 'truth' is they really really really want to be with us.
When the real 'truth' is, they don't know.
MLC = confusion, and believe it or not, confusion is your ally. It beats the WAS or MLC KNOWING 1005 they do not want you in their life.
Light
Everyone does so learn from it and DO NOT do it again.
somehow we got talking about our R and I pressed her on why she felt the need to hide your cell phone, she denied it of course, so now she is aware of my awareness to it.
W also said that she was not feeling as cherished in the last few weeks and that I had pulled away from her, which was part of the 180 I was trying out, can they react like this if they are really suffering MLC?
What you may see in the resources provided by Cadet is that they tend to want you “close”. I noticed that you have a teenager. Think about what and how a teenager acts…They want you but do not want you. MLC in my experience is the same.
That said, the hardest thing to do at least initially is to detach and not take a lot of this personal.
Maybe I have misunderstood the signs, the emails to/from other men, the evasiveness, lies, hiding cell phone, but then no list of my failings, not verbally hurtful to me or a desire to get out more with others ….
1) Stop looking at her and start looking at YOU 2) stop looking at her and start living for YOU 3) Stop looking at her. Oh…btw, did I mention stop looking at her?
Light….keep reading the divorce remedy/divorce busting books as well as the resources. Read them a few time over.
God Bless,
Eric
Just realised the typo. on my first post, we’re both 47 and not 37, just in case anyone
thought it all sounded a little odd!
Been reading the material listed by Cadet, and very helpful this has been.
On a slightly different matter and not sure if anyone can help, but with w’s latest claim to being abused at 14 (w not been specific, understandable though ), could someone throw any light on the following.
W claims she was abused by a family friend whilst all away on holiday, but would a victim of abuse like this agree some 3 years latter to have some driving lessons with
the abuser and, latter on use abusers car ( ask or being offered it for use, not sure).
I cannot help but think the abused would avoid contact, but then battered wives return all too often.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Anyway I am working on me and trying not to look at her.
Light At
On a slightly different matter and not sure if anyone can help, but with w’s latest claim to being abused at 14 (w not been specific, understandable though ), could someone throw any light on the following.
W claims she was abused by a family friend whilst all away on holiday, but would a victim of abuse like this agree some 3 years latter to have some driving lessons with
the abuser and, latter on use abusers car ( ask or being offered it for use, not sure).
I cannot help but think the abused would avoid contact, but then battered wives return all too often.
Well maybe this is part of her MLC.
Childhood issues normally are one ingredient for this crisis.
So maybe (and I am mind reading) that she has not forgiven herself yet from what happened.
She may need to go back to that period of time and finish growing up.
That is somewhat of a definition of MLC.
Glad the links are helping you out, keep reading and ask questions.
Not really sure I have any thing to say, just needed to put something down at the moment. Things do not seem too bad, some days better than others, as I said before she has not been directly unpleasant toward me about my failings etc., but as I‘ve read all MLC’s vary.
With w’s latest bomb in relation to being abused as a child (14 yrs) which I have been somewhat sceptical about(not to w), due to the notion of ‘believing nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do’, but over the weekend and out of the blue w said that she is going to see a Therapist to help deal with these issues. I was pleased to hear this, for 2 reasons, firstly her claim appears to be true (if she goes) and, secondly it should help her heal.
Now my question is with the relation of MLC to unresolved childhood/past issues does anyone have any direct experience of dealing with both related issues, if the abuse issue is addressed as best it can be, will that help the MLC. I know that the MLC’er needs to go on the journey to resolve issues and that the LBS cannot speed up the process, but would the above help ?
Maybe I am ‘grasping at straws’ but word from the wise would be most helpful.
Thank you.
Light At.
Now my question is with the relation of MLC to unresolved childhood/past issues does anyone have any direct experience of dealing with both related issues, if the abuse issue is addressed as best it can be, will that help the MLC. I know that the MLC’er needs to go on the journey to resolve issues and that the LBS cannot speed up the process, but would the above help ?
Maybe I am ‘grasping at straws’ but word from the wise would be most helpful.
Think of it more this way if she experienced a childhood issue at age 14, she may need to go back to that time to finish growing up from age 14, so maybe by the time she is 18 or 21 she will be an adult. So you might have to wait 4-7 years.
Sorry but their are no quick solutions here or magic buttons to press.
A therapist may help her or may make it worse. See if she sticks with it. Most don't.
I don’t think she is full blown MLC if that is possible. We decided that we should have a trial separation some 5 weeks ago. She had offered to be the one to move out, then tried to get me to go, feeling that I had done nothing wrong so why should I go, plus if she was out of the home environment it may benefit her more, she is after all the one with the issues! She left.
I was somewhat nervous about what she may get up to, but staying with her aunt she appears to have stayed in, so no partying etc.
I went to Dr with list of what I felt were her symptoms, he felt that subject to seeing her and discounting anything physically wrong that she was depressed. Strangely this gave me some hope but I had always felt depression was in there somewhere, but with what else !! She has only just agreed to get help, but not sure if she will go when the day arrives.
Anyway, yesterday she said at the moment there is no marriage and that she does not love me, but could feel different next week/month, much as she said nearly 6 months ago, so a lot of pain and little or no progress.
She felt that the last 5 weeks had shown her that she can deal with the childhood abuse issues, just another complication! When you write it down it makes you think ‘what the ----‘, and why not walkaway. D19 home from Uni. said that she has had enough of her mother and that it was because of her she was so keen to go to Uni. Claimed not to have felt relaxed in her own home.
Not sure what to do now, I still love her but even if she came home tomorrow I cannot accept her at all costs as it were. I want to shout and rant and rave at her, but afraid it might finally kill everything off, if it isn’t already.
Sorry for the rant, just lost now….
Light At.
I'm afraid that it may kill off any possible spark of reconciliation. Also, it might make me feel better and not help overal, but who knows.
Light
it might make me feel better
and why is this ^^^^ not a good thing?
I have not posted for some time now and, felt an update might be worthwhile.
Since BD our lives and as we all have found are turned upside down, all the usual natural reactions and the complete state of shock, the physical pain and the why.
I have read so much on line and so many books about MLC and depression ( W ‘s Gp diagnosed depression for her) but clearly its so much more than that, I am now into the 9th month since the BD. One early article I read on this forum was by a lady saying that she was going to give her marriage 1 year to try to sort it out, well I cannot quite believe how my time has passed quite so quickly, 1 year seemed a lifetime, but in MLC it isn’t.
W moved out some 5 months ago to her aunts, but moved out from there after an argument, then it was a friend for a few weeks, now moving on because her friend was telling her what she didn’t want to hear, so now somewhere new. We usually meet up on Saturday mornings, but w is distant most of the time. Makes little effort with S15 and D19 at uni, that upsets me still.
I was advised on here sometime ago not to focus on her, try to detach, wise words
indeed. With a lot of help from friends and relatives I am on the road to getting to grips with this now, I feel quite strong and have been for a few weeks now, so yes I am OK, well as Ok is feasible. The pain seems to have gone and crying less frequent, although typing this is not as easy as I thought it would be.
My GAL is improving where I can, looking after my S, a house and running business takes most of my time, but I still get time for the gym, snooker, football and looking after my classic cars. The future looks fine, with or without her, I am going to be OK, plus a better person, after so much self analysis.
Anyway, end of my rant, progress made!