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Posted By: irishblessings Who am I now? - 05/10/11 03:11 AM
I have been quietly struggling with this new circumstance that has become my life. I am a divorced mother of 3. I can't seem to wrap my head around this situation. Where do I go from here? I know the answer is - anywhere I want to go - but it doesn't feel quite right yet. My relationships outside of that with my XH have never been stronger. I feel as though I am paying more attention to others = a trait I lost while living with XH's behaviors. But where I am struggling the most is trying to define what I want. I still engage in avoidance. I let myself down by not accomplishing enough - I don't push myself enough - I too easily avoid discomfort.
How do I decide what it is I want?
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/10/11 04:10 AM
Hey IB, first of all, I am, like, WOW, when I read your post. What a different person in such a short time!! You sound really terrific, actually. You sound clear and hopeful and forward-thinking!

As for how you decide what you are or what you want, honestly, I think it will just sort of come over you! I think as you start to do the things you love again and new things you'll feel your way into who you are.

Like you, I have a lot of really close relationships now with others that I didn't have before and better rel. with those I was closer to. I think that is actually part of our "new" identity, so you've already identified that part of what you want now is closer relationships with others.

But when you say that you can go anywhere you want but it doesn't feel quite right yet, then I think that means that your old self which had a sort of "pre-set life" in her mind still tries to hang on to you, but your new self is just looking at all these possibilities, and eventually, SHE will take over. If there is one thing that this experience does FOR us it may be that in taking away one path that we believed was ours for life, that we thought we WANTED for life, that we see how things can change at the drop of a hat--and so the GOOD part of that is that WE can change at the drop of a hat. So if you want something in your life tomorrow, you go work at it. And if you change your mind later, then you do. You just go with the flow.

Embrace the fact that you don't HAVE to decide what it is you want today and when you decide what you want, it will be effortless!
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/10/11 11:42 AM
Dear Irish,

As you've been to my thread, I know you know that I am finding being D and Single after all these years a bit daunting. Nothing I didn't expect, but still scary and different.

Antonia is exactly right when she says we have strengthened relationships that had been taken for granted in favor of our H's behaviors. As you stated, we are closer to those that love us than perhaps ever before.

You are simply eager to 'get on with it' whatever that may be. You've been D'd for six weeks. I am the same way, and it has been less than a week. It's like, "Okay Lord, Now What??"

I myself have always been fiercely independent,but am finding myself at a loss after losing the 'umbrella' of marriage.

So here's the thing. Many of us are having to cross this unhappy finish line right now. None of us knows all the answers, because life experience will be different for all of us. What we DO have is each other. I myself am not ready to abandon this place and my friends here, as I find comfort and wisdom reading the different threads. As for the rest, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, breath in and breath out.

Have a good Tuesday. ((HUGS))
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Who am I now? - 05/10/11 02:14 PM
Irish
Quote:
I am a divorced mother of 3.

Sorry Irish….I want to modify your statement….How does I am a “strong”, “independent”, “caring”, “funny”, divorced mother of 3!
Quote:
But where I am struggling the most is trying to define what I want.

Maybe the struggle is not “defining” what you want as much as it may be being patient enough to allow what you want to just happen. Maybe the struggle is trying to “control, drive, shape” what you want instead of just being still and allowing what you want to take shape/form when it is time for it to take shape/form. I say this based on my own experiences of trying to hard to “force” the next steps. Just something to consider.
Quote:
How do I decide what it is I want?

Add 1 year of healing
Add 1 year of just enjoying life day by day
Add a few weeks over the course of the year to cry, whine, *itch and moan
Add a vacation
Add TIME (no amount is too much or too little)

Quote:
but your new self is just looking at all these possibilities, and eventually, SHE will take over

Spot on….when SHE is READY…not a day before and not a day after….it will just happen.

Take your time Irish….Take your time….rushing it will only cause more pain and confusion. Look up, bend the knees…he will answer in HIS time – NOT ours.

On a final note….do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. Do not be afraid to try something new.

Oh…and I agree with Punkin…ya sound soooo much different that months ago..so much so. Take stock in where you were and where you are and JUST HOW FAR you have come. Be proud of yourself!

God Bless,
Eric
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 02:40 AM
I appreciate your take on this situation. Today I listened to Maria Shriver talk about her struggles with transition - and then heard that her 25 year marriage was breaking up. Felt empathy towards her circumstances - felt sadness for her.

Tomorrow my BFF is going with me to pick out paint for my "extreme makeover". It's a step in the right direction.
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 02:48 AM
Quote:
It's a step in the right direction.


That it is Irish.

Step by step and day by day....it is all you can do.

Do me a little favor...for the next week...take a few minutes everyday to give thanks to what YOU do have in your life that is positives. Write them down.

Eric
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 03:09 AM
Great idea Eric - will do!!
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 11:50 AM
Irish,

I went with 'ICED LEMONADE' in my bedroom. Screaming yellow. I like it.
Posted By: notsosunny Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 12:33 PM
Punkin, Good morning I've been following your posts and I just wanted to stop by and tell you I'm proud of the way you are handling " all of this " I see your growth, your determination to make a life for yourself, kids and grandkids. My name is Cindy
WAW in 2007, I found this site a month after I left and it was a god send. I never started my own thread, It was just so confusing I honestly
didn't know where to start. I didn't want a Divorce but i HAD to leave to think about me, my future, "our future " IF we were to have one.


I married my High School Sweetheart (Alcoholic / workaholic ) been together for 40 years OMG How did we get this old...lol
We lost respect for each other but we never lost the trust that I feel is so necessary for a marriage to succeed,,,,other words there was no one else OM/OW involved in our stich....No kids no step kids.etc.

Sorry I feel like i'm highjackin your thread.anyway
Hugs to you and yours and i love the color scheme waking up to bright everyday which i see in your future Your a strong lady
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 01:29 PM
Hey Irish,

I still struggle with where do I go from here at times.

Time and being open to things as they come along, hve been my greatest allies.

Meditation has been a huge help to me. Praying works for lots of folks too. The simple act of asking for guidance makes you more "aware".

Awareness has put me on a path towards what will be the rest of my life. It can be daunting and scarey. Even knowing that I am at liberty to change course at any time, doesn't take the fear out of some of it. I move through it though.

I still don't have all the answers and know I never will. that's ok. I love an adventure wink

HUGS
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/11/11 11:01 PM
NotSoSunny,

Go ahead and hijack, it's Irish's thread. wink And thanks for all the high 5's. I can use all I can get right now.

Sounds to me that you need to set up a thread so we can all get to know you better, share experiences, offer advice.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/12/11 12:41 AM
All hijacks welcomed! They help me as well:)

Dinner out with BFF and oldest D - awesome girls' night - I am so lucky (Eric - there's one:))

Will come face to face with OW on Saturday for first time. He met her in July - less than one month after moving out. He "didn't expect to fall so quickly" for the bartender at the bar on the rough side of town who is now on disability for ??????

Anyway - I'm lucky.
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/12/11 11:46 AM
Irish -

Just a little helpful therapy play - no harm intended. I don't know why you have to meet OW next Saturday, must have missed it. But if it's a public function, stay as calm as you can, take a long hot bubble bath. Lay back in the bubbles, and imagine knocking her head off. See, you smiled, didn't you? Think of this fantasy often, and when you meet her, hold onto that fantasy. You'll smile your way through it.

JMO- Met her in July my a$$. I may have been born on a Wednesday, but it wasn't this Wednesday. ((HUGS Irish))
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/12/11 10:27 PM
My S received a 2 page letter from his dad today. Here are some excerpts -

I know that our relationship has changed to say the least. I knew that it would through all of this but I felt like it was something I had to do for both your mother’s sake and for mine. I do feel I need to let you know that if when you do come to my place you will see some influence of, and things of OW’s in it.

I have gotten close enough to OW that she has become an every day part of my life. When I left home last year I was not expecting to find, or looking for, another close female friendship or relationship. The night I met her I was looking for socialization, relaxation, and some potential new friendships. OW, a couple of her friends and I hit it off greatly and we have had an awesome time ever since! OW is smart, funny, kind, loud, tender, loving, loyal, strong, independent, and hard working. She is a huge basketball fan, college basketball fan, professional tennis fan, and an unbelievable cook! She has been through some incredibly difficult life experiences but has amazingly worked through them and lives a life that exemplifies spiritual, physical and emotional peace.

In no way has OW and/or her family taken the place of, or could ever take the place of you or the girls! I want to have a great relationship with all four of you. I do hope and expect that to happen over the course of the next couple, few years. If/when you all do give yourselves a chance to get to know OW and her family, I do believe that you will enjoy their company and will be able to have some fun, good times with them. Her daughters and grandchildren are beautiful, fun loving people. I’m sure that you cannot imagine it now but they are all looking forward to times in which we call all be together to laugh, cut up and talk about life. I talk about and brag about all three of you all the time and they can only imagine how good of people you all are. They are looking forward to the possibility of meeting all of you but at the same time understand and sympathize very deeply with what you are going through.


I am numb - devastated again. When does this stop - how do I make it stop? I feel like roadkill. The way he describes her could almost to a tee describe me. But it's not me.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/12/11 11:26 PM
IB, I am sorry. I have no words. Wait, yes I do, but they wont let me use them on here.

What an inconsiderate, childish, egotistical idiot he is - writing something like that to his child.

Sweetie, you are upset over him? I'm sorry but he is an as&hole right now. And the ow is nowhere near being like you, She cant hold a candle to you.

IB, I understand how hurtful that was to read. I hope your son is ok.

You will get through this. You will. When you are ready, get back on the path.

Take good care. hang in there
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/12/11 11:29 PM
Irish,

Ouch! I know the feeling. But I ask you. Who is her trying to convince? The man that you have described over the past year did not meet and hook up with Mrs. Brady and her three lovely daughters while in a bar. And actions speak louder than words.

It's inevitable. the kids will have to meet her one day if she sticks around, but do you think she will when the bloom is off the rose. And your son; after all this time, a 2 page letter?
Try not to let it bug you Irish. No one will ever replace you in their eyes.

Do not let this make you stumble off the path you are on. You are doing great. I think it may be time you had a girl's night out.

May I ask, how did you come to read the letter?
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 01:02 AM
IB my first question too was how did you see this letter. This is something you never should have seen because it can't do you one iota of good. Holy cow, it made me sick to my stomach nearly.

It's SO offensive on so many levels. It's a complete snow job trying to "sell" her--was he a used car salesman before and this is the worst piece of junk on the lot? Sorry, trying to make you laugh ;-)

Good, kind, loyal and trustworthy people don't need a whole paragraph of "pros" delivered to someone before the person even meets her. They can stand on their own. Only a person who knows on some level that he did a horrible thing BY YOU would try so desperately to sell the new person to your child, because if he CANNOT sell her to your child, he probably won't repair his relationship with your child. He knows that. This is desperation talking.

I don't know why you have to meet her; is it REALLY necessary? I'd hate for you to be in her presence at all. But frankly you have more dignity and poise in your little finger than she could ever have, and all I can say is that if he continues to reach out to your kids, you're going to have to NOT read anything he writes to them.

It's like you've broken from the contact and he found a way back in, and you cannot let that happen because you are doing SO well otherwise.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 01:36 AM
Thank you friends - I needed your strength. My S shared the letter with me. I did not let my S see the pain it caused me. I said "so what do you think?" - and he said "it is what it is" - I said "well he is reaching out and that is nice." Then he left for practice and I broke down.

Who was I - what was I - who am I now? Pretty appropriate thread name. Didn't see it coming. H knew that S would share this with me - he knew.

I don't know what I am doing.
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 01:50 AM
Should I throw up now or later? Gosh was that a pathetic letter to your son. Almost like throwing this person into your kids lives.

Step away from the fire IB or you will get burned. IB your exh is out to lunch. That is his perception today, we all know that honey moon phase never lasts. Even if it does last, keep remembering he is a different person today and there is nothing you can do about that.

Just remember the good times forget about this person he is today.

Sorry he just can't see the light!
Posted By: Lorie1964 Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 01:54 AM
IB

((((((HUGS))))) You are a strong and brave woman! I totally agree with Antonia on everything!!

Blessings!
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 03:16 AM
Oh sweetie, I want you to listen to me. It doesnt really matter who you were then. It is who you are now that matters most.

And you know what you are. A loving mother, great friend, wonderful daughter, And you were a loyal. devoted wife.

You were with him a long time, IB. You surely can see that he is in crisis. It is sad. But really, I dont care about him. He could blow in the wind. He has to figure this out for himself.

Please dont let this knock you off your journey. You have come so far.

Clearly he is desperate because you see, he is still not happy. For him to have to go on like that to your son, it is plain to see.

IB, what you are doing is becoming the person you were meant to be. Sometimes the road is rocky. We stumble a bit. But eventually, we find out footing again. And you will, too.

IB, your xh was involved in some pretty heavy stuff. If you really think about it, you will see that he has some very deep problems. He is trying everyway to fill a hole. But until he looks inside, he never will.

I think you handled it well with your son. I wouldnt bring it up again.

If there is no way around seeing the ow, please make sure you get yourself to a place of strength.

And then, look great and walk tall and act like the strong woman you have become.

You can do this. I know it.
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 11:19 AM
Irish,

You said it yourself. He knew S would show you the letter. So it was a jab at you more than a sincere letter to his son. He spent 20 minutes describing an impossible and improbable woman, and to make sure S knew it was "about a month after the split".

Probably wanted to put you off balance before Saturday. DO NOT LET HIM. Look Fabulous. Walk tall. You and I both know June Cleaver, she's not.

See it for what it is. A psyche out, and let it go.

Can't wait to hear about Saturday. You will outshine her in all ways. Promise.
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/13/11 11:20 AM
Forgot to add. This is the first time XH sees you and she side by side. He's stacking the cards so he doesn't look like a fool.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 01:46 AM
Still struggling after the letter from hell. I allow myself to become the person he believes I am. I see him "happy" and me miserable. He must be right. I need to dig myself out from this hole. The longer it goes on = the less strength I have to pull myself up.

Something has to change...
Posted By: Lorie1964 Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 01:50 AM
IB--

You need and attitude adjustment. He wasn't good enough for you!!! You are WAY better than all of this and you really know that deep down. All those words are just that, words, you don't know if it is the truth or not, and who gives a flying flip what he thinks or is doing now. You really need to detach and ask God to give you strength to get through this with His grace.

Blessings!
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 03:16 AM
IB the mind is a very powerful tool. You can use it to your advantage or have it work against you. You decide!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 10:00 AM
IB,

In a telephone conversation I had with my H not long after he left to go live with the ow he told me that she was perfect and that would never change. I almost laughed out loud because it sounded so ridiculous, but at the same time it hurt to hear it. I managed to keep silent.

Time has marched on and there is proof that H has found out that the ow is indeed not perfect.

Me, being imperfect myself, does allow a little smirk at times.

Your XH is trying very hard to convince himself that he did the right thing. He too, will find out that the fantasy he has created in his mind does not match reality.

I know how hard it is, but don't take any of it personally. It's not about you. It just goes to show how really messed up these MLCers are.

Keep steppin (nickel Brook)IB, you're on your way to being better than OK.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 11:45 AM
Up and not quite ready to face the day I have been dreading for such a long time - seeing H and OW together publicly. I've never seen her - so I have no idea what to expect. It is also my S's prom day / so sentimentally it should be a banner day. But I will focus on my son and nothing else. My BFF and her baby will be with me and I will have that beautiful baby to keep me smiling. I will make it!
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/14/11 01:09 PM
(Hugs) to you Irish, and remember. Smile, be pleasant. Visit and talk with acquaintances. The more at home you look, the less she will be. I also avoided pics of my H & OW, but when I saw her, when friends and relatives saw her, she doesn't hold a candle to old grandma here. It will be the same for you. That is, unless your husband is George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/15/11 06:06 AM
Well - I was speechless. As luck would have it I was getting out of my car and there he was walking down the other aisle - hand in hand, with a bounce in his step. She looked a good 10 years older than me - nothing like what I expected. The real tragedy today was the look on my son's face when he saw the two of them holding hands and sitting in the stands. I kept a brave face on and kept occupied with my friend's baby. But truly, I was blown away.

Ended up having a wonderful night - my girls were in and it was son's prom. I have amazing people in my life.

But I have to let it go - I no longer know who he is. I need to learn to not care.
Posted By: job Re: Who am I now? - 05/15/11 11:50 AM
Irish,
I'm very sorry that you had to see the two of them holding hands, etc., but you actually got to see her and now the "cute, lovely woman" is out in the open. They are always different and many of them do look older or just not the type our spouses would have chosen had they been in their right minds.

You will always hold some feelings for your xh, but those feelings will not be the same as the ones you had when you were in love w/him. It takes a long time for those feelings to change and it will be done gradually and one day, you'll be surprised how those feelings have changed. Give yourself some time, the wound is still very raw and open.

I am glad to see that you had your family around you last evening. How was your son's prom? Did he enjoy himself?
What about you? What are your plans for the week ahead?

Irish, please take care of yourself. No one can hold a candle to you. Just remember, you are a unique and very special lady.
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/15/11 12:56 PM
Knew it. You can take the bar fly out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the bar fly.

The way you describe it Irish, it was a bigger shock for your S than you. Probably because you went into protective mother hen mode at the look on his face.

You sound as if the entire evening was not a total loss. We usually build them up to be disasters, and then they are not that bad. It's how I like to protect myself, actually.

Onward and upward Irish. The worst that could happen already has. You are over the hump. Now run with it Irish. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You proved it last night. ((HUGS))
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/15/11 04:52 PM
Oh Punkin, you always say the best things, ha ha!!

I am sorry Irish for what you had to see but I do think you came through it just fine and showed your dignity as we all knew you would.
Posted By: Tipper Re: Who am I now? - 05/15/11 10:52 PM
Irish
Sounds like you did well.

I remember reading that many of the ow/om that a mlc'er picks is often someone that the LBS would never imagine them falling for. They often pick someone that is the direct opposite of the LBS.

In my case, I was a P.E./health teacher and a cheerleading coach and my H went out and fell for a cocaine/heroin addict lesbian stripper.

At least I was not jealous of her and her lifestyle. I was proud to be who I am. And I know H only liked her because he could play the part of Hero - trying to save her.

The MLC'er is at an all time low and they often feel like the OW/OM can relate to them the way we cant. Their loss - not ours.
TIPPER
Posted By: beatrice Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 07:02 AM
Tipper, they usually need someone they can 'help' or rescue, feel better than, and be miserable with. I suspect that your h is a 'glass half empty' sort of guy at the best of times

For so many MLCers it is about feeling unsuccessful relative to what they feel they should have done and/or those around them. Your h cannot live up to you - this is not your fault or your problem. .

We cannot fix them, sad though this is. We go on thinking we can, or that we were at fault. We should work on ourselves, but that is in order to live our lives. If it is MLC we didn't cause it and could not have stopped it, nor can we fix it.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 10:50 AM
I have had the most surreal and unsettling weekend I have had in a very long while. Just hitting the 11th month mark of his leaving. Nothing feels real or normal any more. Truth be told - I am exhausted from "feelings". And yet I am scared of not feeling anything as well. The loss and loneliness from the end of my marriage haunts me daily. Are these feelings I can "control"? I don't know. The avoidance behaviors I have mastered are so scary to me. To tackle all that I have been avoiding seems so overwhelming that I stick my head in the sand. Now I am finding that I can't breathe in the sand. I am scared. So, unbelievably scared. I need healing, rest, quiet, peace. What I have is chaos, noise, responsibilities, and fear.

This is who I am today...
Posted By: seeking answers Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 11:41 AM
Irish,

My heart goes out to you. This has all hit you with such rapidness that there was really no time to even get your bearings before the next thing to try and deal with came along.

Sweetie, take a look back. You have handled it all and done it admirably. I don't think you really stuck your head in the sand, you just went on automatic pilot and did what had to be done. I believe it a self protection thing.

Now that everything is done, it's hitting you full force because now all the decisions to be made from now on are yours. It is scary but there is something about not having to answer to anyone for your choices that is quite freeing. Believe me, I know it's not what you wanted.

Hang in there Irish. The fear will start to fade as you start to believe what we all know. You're a very smart, capable, strong woman that will be better than OK.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 11:02 PM
SA - thanks for the vote of confidence. So appreciated!

Driving to work this morning I found myself in this moment of overwhelming sadness. Just teared up at the loss. It was one of those moments that was really FELT. I hope that makes sense. I knew that it was a good thing - but it was something that I truly could feel - It made me realize that I have been doing a lot of "feeling" with my head but not my heart. This was heartsick sadness. So I keep this realization in the back of my mind all day. I come home from work and have a email from a friend about transition. It was Martha Beck on Maria Shriver's site and she was talking about how we have to learn to relax through these moments rather than fight the feelings. She said that waves of sadness often come in 90 second increments and that if we can learn to relax and let the feelings come rather than fight them then we are actually making progress. So - all you tenured posters have been right:) You just got to feel it. I have been fighting it - panicking - and I am suffering because of it. Seeing XH and OW together this weekend somehow unleashed these feelings.

I am very scared - but I have to stop fighting it.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 11:17 PM
Irish based on your experience today, I have to share with you that I went through something very similar a few weeks ago. I told my doctor my highs were really high, but the lows low and really visceral. She said that's actually a GREAT sign in that it means that I'm feeling again, that for all this time, I'd been numb in many ways. She said that when you start to have those brief moments of pain and heartache to just embrace them because it means you are feeling again, and you couldn't feel again if you weren't "ready" to. This is indicative of being over the "worst" of it all and coming back to ground to your own life. There was a time when we never thought we'd get through that night and look at us now, Irish. This is all really good progress. I'm proud of you!!!
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/16/11 11:19 PM
IB, first of all, you did wonderfully! Secondly, I am not at all surprised by what the ow looks/seems like.

Thirdly, I know how scary this all is. But, you are doing it.

I would be worried if you didnt have moments of fear and sadness. This is a lifealtering thing to have happen.

I think that you sometimes feel you should be feeling or doing things in a certain way or that you should be at a certain point in all this.

We all get through this in our own time and in our own way. But I do know that the more you push things down, the more you will have to deal with later.

So, cry if you want to. Stomp your feet, hit your pillow. Yell in the shower. Allow yourself to feel, sweetie. Get it all out.

It will come in waves. But you will begin to notice the lows not so low and so frequent over time and the highs will be more and more steady.

Sweetie, this is all part of the journey. One in which we all didnt have to take, but, hopefully can grow and learn from.

Keep going, IB. Keep going.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 12:24 AM
How do you get rid of the fear? The reality of my future is setting in. I am not finding it to be exciting or something I am looking forward to... I am embarrassed by the jealousy I feel regarding his new relationship. The jealousy I feel when I think of moments he and his new love will have with our kids. These ugly, pathetic emotions are making me physically ill. What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this? I don't have anything left to pull me up out of this hole. I don't want to be alone. I can't succeed with this hand I have been dealt. I see an IC, take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds - and it still isn't helping me. I pray - I smile - I avoid - I show up.

What am I going to do?
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 12:44 AM
Honey, take it easy.

I have been where you are, more than once.

You will get through this. I promise you.

You can succeed. You will. You can do this. For you. For your children.

It is up to you to show them how to navigate through life's trials. Sorry, but your xh is not going to do it.

Let's take this one thing at a time.

Look at where you were. Look how far you've come.

Think about what you have already survived. His addictions, his leaving, his affair, his MLC, the divorce.

You have gotten through all that. You have been there for your son and your other children. You have shown incredible courage and strength.

No one knows what the future holds. You are not alone, IB. You have family and friends who love you.

We may want a mate, but we dont need one to survive.

It's time for you to start looking inward. Really and truly looking.

Happiness never comes from other people, It is a choice. It is a conscious decision each day to look at things from a healthy, positive perspective. It comes from within.

These are not just platitudes, IB.

So, try not to think about him and her because whatever you're imagining is most surely not what it is. I can almost guarantee you that. I'll tell you why. He is still broken. As long as he is, he is incapable of having a normal relationship.

Whatever time they spend with your kids will never replace your time with them. And you want your kids to have a relationship with their father. That is what is important.

I know it is hard, but it really does not serve you well to think about them.

You have gone through a whole lot in a short amount of time. sweetie. Go easy on yourself. This is all a process. Sometimes you take two or three steps back.

The important thing is to get back on the path.

It's start to think about you. What can you do that will fill you up?

What did you always want to try? What do you wish you were better at?
What is on your bucket list of places to go?

You CAN succeed with this hand. You can more than succeed. You can soar.

Try something different. Spread your wings a bit. Your son is old enough now for your to start living your life.

Live YOUR life, IB.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 01:18 AM
All is not as it seems, IB.

All does not stay as rosy as it appears right now.

B is right. You have come so far Pick yourself up, dust off, and keep putting one foot ahead of the other.

We're right here walking beside you IB.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 01:26 AM
Brooklyn - you are always the kindest, most thoughtful person. I am so grateful.

I have always been a survivor. A glass half-full person. You want me on your team. I am creative - I am a problem solver. I can make lemonade out of lemons. I can make you smile.

I have lost those skills. I truly gave my heart and soul to this man and when he left those aspects left as well. It's almost been a year and I don't feel any better. I see everyone getting better - everyone other than me.

I feel completely alone because I lost the one person I thought truly loved me and would never leave - let alone find love and happiness with someone else.

I don't want to sound like a broken record - nor do I want to sound like a whining, self-pitying pathetic woman. But I'm afraid that's who I am and I know that i am going to start losing what little support system I have in place because I'm not getting any better. I
Posted By: Queen_of_Swords Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 01:38 AM
I.B. although our circumstances are different on some levels...in September it will be two years for me.

I assure you, it will get better. You're doing the work. I'm not saying there will not be bad days mind you.

If you were like me, you pretty much stripped away any self esteem you had and internally took full blame for the collapse of your marriage and felt like an utter failure as a human being.
You weren't pretty enough, good enough, sexy enough, smart enough ...and on and on.

Truth is you are enough and you have enough.
I could tell you what you should do, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to ask you a few questions.

What can you Irishblessings do to recognise your worth?
What is it you can do to feed your soul, find your blissm nurture yourself?
What is so special and unique about you that defines who you really are? (There is no one else like you and no one that can take your place in peoples lives or in their history, please remember that!)
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 03:26 AM
IB, I want you to tell you some things.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. My mother was a raging one. I never knew what I was going to wake up to. She said things to me no mother should ever say to a child. It was, to say the least, a horrendous childhood. Whether I was happy depended solely on whether she was having a good day.

I realized through this that I did the same thing in my marriage. If my h was happy, then I was. He, then my son, became everything to me. I spent the first half of my life trying to be the person my mom wanted to be and the next half trying to be who my h wanted me to be.

And in their eyes, I never measured up. I wasnt good enough. I know now that my mother has a disease. I know now that my h has control and self esteem issues.

I have forgiven them both. Nothing they did was with the intent to purposely harm me. They did the best they could with the tools they had.

I am telling you this because I know what it is be so wrapped up in another person. I never, ever thought my h would leave me. I was devasted. I was broken. I thought I would never make it through. It took me a long, long time to get my footing. Through therapy, meds, this forum, two good friends and my sister, I finally realized that I had no choice.

I could continue to sabotage myself and lose years or I could take control of my life.

I knew that if my h ever died, I would have survived it. If he or I got a life threatening illness or were in an accident, I would survive it.

We are so much stronger than we think. And I didnt want to lose more years of my life getting sick over something I have no control over.

So, I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take the pain and heartache and in return I would live as good a life as I could.

IB, I dont want to spend much time on talking about your xh. But, I am so very sorry that he did this. I am sorry that you are hurting.

I can tell you that what he has now is not love and happiness. How could someone be happy when they are so completely different then the person they always were? how can he be happy when he is struggling to have a relationship with his children? How can he be happy when he is broken? And really, I dont care if he is happy or not.

I care if you are. Let him go, sweetie. And begin your life. You become the best IB you can be.

I want to see the survivor, the glass half-full IB. I want to see the creative, problem solving, lemonade making, smile maker.

No one can take those things away from you. They are part of you. They are in there.

Strive to be that person every day. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But always let that be the goal.

IB, you will get through this. Put it in His capable hands. Come on now, one minute at a time, if you must.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 04:09 AM
IB I completely get what you're saying--I feel like on some days I'm on a tightrope, and on one side is despair and the feeling that I can't succeed or be happy alone/without my XH and the other side is everything that represents what I can do as a single woman with a great support system of family and friends. That "bad" side of despair is always there, but I'm learning to look away from it.

If I did not have a few things right now to get my self-worth/make me feel accomplishment, I think I'd be caving in to that despair. A few months ago I kept saying "I'm so tired of fighting the depression." So what's the answer, give in? NO.

You're not giving in, or else you wouldn't be here asking for help.

For me, I found my garden and my book. I am putting a ton of work into my yard and garden and into research for my book. These are parts of me that were there but dormant, and now they define me. You have to find what makes you feel alive. You have to find what gives you a little bit of joy and then make that little thing a big thing in your life. When it becomes a big thing, your despair will be crowded out by it most days, and on the few days that it's not crowded out, you'll have the reserves to get through.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 04:11 AM
Oh and if you say that the marriage made you feel alive/he made you feel alive, then to quote PEI, you have to keep digging, because something in you is dormant/was dormant in that marriage. There is something in there that has nothing to do with him and that's what you have to find/bring out.
Posted By: Tipper Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 04:15 AM
Irish,
I know we have only posted to each other a few times, but I see you as a very sweet person. One who can get the (above) qualities back when you apply them to anything in your life.

We all agree that the sit. with our R's just plain old stink and that it is not easy to get through. You are heartbroken - as most of us are or had been.

It is ok to feel those feelings as long as you dont let those feelings control your life. You can take control over those feelings once again, if you choose to.

You certainly are not a sad pathetic women. You are strong as Heck. Dont forget that!!!

Sometimes, I have heard many people on these boards move on and find new R's down the road - and many of them refer to that song by garth brooks "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers"... just think that could be you some day. Be optimistic and keep your head up.

Dont feel your being repetitive here - it hurts and it is ok to say so as many times as you need in order to vent and to release it.

Then, you need to start saying that you will try to "thought block" - vision a stop sign in your head everytime you think of bad -jealous- resentful- hurtful thoughts and replace those thoughts with any thing that is positive in your life right now (ex: kids, family, friends, nature, pets, etc...).

This process has helped me to currently stop the crying for a time being. I think of my family and how great they have been to me in all this and how it has actually brought me so much closer to my parents than I ever could imagine. I think of the beauty of nature - I often see bald eagles across the street from my house on the river - what a blessing. I think of my Pets, esp. my dog snoop> she is so stinking cute.

We all have a lot to be happy for, if we just open our eyes to it. Thank God for those things! Some one else should not be what makes you happy - a relationship should not be what makes you happy - you should make you happy! Your worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!
TIPPER
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 11:48 AM
B, Antonia, and Tipper -

Thank you for helping getting me through a very rough night. I am so very fortunate I found this site a year ago. To have a place where these "unmentionable" feelings can be aired is lifesaving.

All of the strategies you share are excellent and I do need to start with some type of gratitude journal to begin and end my day. I am so easily frustrated with myself because this journey is so hard and I can't believe how small of baby steps I actually take before I get overwhelmed. I then beat myself up for not being stronger and feel as though I am babying myself and being weak. I want someone to come in and tell me what to do each moment of the day. I can do what someone else wants me to do - and I can do it well. On my own, I am on that tightrope only I have vertigo and no core strength to keep moving straight.

Lots of work to do - thank you for being here. I love you all!
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 02:01 PM
Irish,

You have received some very good advice. I would like to add to it by telling you of my weekend. No highjack; there is a moral.

My L contacted me on Friday with the Final Settlement. All good in my favor. Only backlash is I have to get out of the house in 3 months. As Beatrice advised me, it is also the final 'death knell' of our 20 y marriage. I came home and was literally and physiclly sick all weekend. Barely functioned. Made it to D's college Graduation. Went to Church on Sunday. Spent the rest of the time in bed with a whopping migraine-like headache and throwing up. Told them at work Monday I had a bug. I knew what it was.Panic. Monday afternoon, I visited a friend so he could kick me in the a$$. And he did. Threw up once more, and have functioned fine ever since.

Went through my day with a smile on my face. Smiled as I sat alone in the house last night figuring what I needed to keep out and what I could pack up. Smiled as I went to bed. The amazing revelation? I am free of being the caretaker of his dreams.

The old joke is "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", but I believe we, as women, as nurturer's, sublimate our own wants and desires to the men we love. It becomes our second nature. You mentioned it. So did Brook and Antonia. Unpleasant truths are resurfacing every day in my mind which I had managed to pack away in the attic of my thoughts and forget. These men weren't wonderful and perfect; they were perfect in our minds. Perhaps some of us even made that too heavy a load to bear.

So here's the thing. Claw your way back on top of your emotions. (with doctor's help, if necessary) Get them back in control, and look forward, not back. Overnight, it made a tremendous change in my outlook.

That doesn't mean there won't be disappointments, sad days, trips down memory lane, but at least we are moving forward and are that much more removed from their actuality.

Keep smiling, Irish, it's your best feature. grin
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 02:13 PM
Punkin your comment "I am free of being the caretaker of his dreams" is just nothing short of amazing. What a profound statement. I can add to your anecdote for IB's benefit--I spent a night last week with a close friend who was visiting. She was in a 4 year long-distance relationship with a guy in the navy. They met playing World of Warcraft and had this seemingly great relationship. They are in their early 20s. They married when he was about to leave for a 6 month duty overseas. She flourished in this time in their apt. She began grad school. Did well. Then he came back. Suddenly he wants to control everything about her. He expects her to cook his meals and pay attention to his numerous food allergies and he refuses to eat leftovers. He claims that she has to change her late night writing/studying schedule as he "can't sleep without her next to him." He says constantly "can't I just get you pregnant already, I really want a kid." (she wants kids, just not now). She has referred to bits of their life as "intolerable." And she's married less than a year. I'm watching her lose herself FAST in this marriage and all I can do is warn her that if you lose yourself it is SO hard to get yourself back.

I think that for a lot of us Punkin is right, we lost ourselves in that marriage and we idolized our spouses, and they encouraged us to do it. That's why it hurts so much to be rejected by them, because we gave them SO much power over us. If you met someone with your XH's prominent qualities right now, you would NOT feel empty if he rejected you. You probably wouldn't give him the time of day.

Again, find what you are without him. Can you articulate anything you remember was in your life that you really enjoyed before you met him?
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/18/11 09:28 PM
Punkin - I know that sick feeling ALL too well! I'm sorry you are hitting it as well.

Antonia - great question. Anything I remember in my life - my friends and family. Reading. Dreaming. I was 18 when XH came into my life. I've never looked back and never regretted. Still don't. I have a great job, great kids, great friends/family. But I feel like a shell. Going through the motions. Don't know what I'm looking for - just want this pain to end.
Posted By: d1adsl5a Re: Who am I now? - 05/19/11 12:54 AM
Irish,

You have no idea how hard it is to find yourself again. My W moved out a year ago. I ran to eharmony. Found the girl and sold myself that i was in love and this is my next wife. Well, my insomnia and anxiety came back full force. I kept searching for the answer...and it sounds like what we do in our marriages that fail. We say the right things, do the right things to please everyone but ourselves. Then somehow, we lose ourselves along they way. We become what everyone wants us to be. It works and gets the job done. The problem is what we are facing now. Who are we, what do we like. The girl I met was probably the nicest girl I have ever met. No matter how I tried, I just wasn't falling in love with her. But again, I continued to do and say the right thing until I imploded with my insomnia again and finally ended the relationship.

The only thing i have figured out so far, is that we have to find ourselves again. You have to find what makes us happy. Be selfish for the first time maybe. This is easier said than done. This is the advice everyone is giving me. But it is day by day, one foot in front of the other and we will get there. The pain is there everyday. It will get a little less I hope as each day passes. And your ex that fell so fast...I fell very fast and you learn real quick that these relationships aren't always what they seem..

Stay strong..
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/19/11 03:07 AM
Thanks d1 - a new perspective always helps!

Actually - I am proud of myself. I hired my son's gf to help me around the house and we accomplished a s**tload tonight! Much needed. No tears either - progress!
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/19/11 03:42 AM
Ok you mentioned reading and dreaming. Let me tell you what my mom did after retirement. This was the first she felt she had time to go back to the things she used to love to do. So she started to read, and she made a point to read many classics she had never read. She still reads "beach reads" of course, and sometimes throws nonfiction in there, but reading is a big part of her life now. She goes to the library, to bookstores, booksales, and she reads a ton. I'd say that this defines her now and her relationship with my dad is not really a relationship--they will never divorce--I know it--but they really tolerate one another and there doesn't seem to be a lot of love there and hasn't been in 20 years or more. She also journals--that's the "dream" part, I think, for her. She will go places with my sister, for instance, and get a blank book and just narrate what they did, what they saw. Then she adds pics. She never did any of this when being a "wife" and "professional" defined her, but now it's a big part of her.

I'd suggest you start with what you mentioned. Go and get yourself some books--library or used books or new books, whatever. Read for pleasure. Get a pretty blank book and daydream about your future. Find who you are through these things and maybe some new things will follow...
Posted By: beatrice Re: Who am I now? - 05/19/11 06:53 AM
Hi, the comment you made about your h being in all of your adult life really rang true with me, and yet, like you I had a great job, and a busy life.

Nevertheless all the they key memories, and main events were shared, and there is a huge and aching sense of loss for a long time - the past feels unsafe. A good friend of mine who was widowed after a long and happy marriage said that in some ways what is happening to us is worse, which I thought was gracious, insightful and probably true.

Anyway, the big question is how we get through it. Antonia is right about going back to doing things we liked. Trouble is in our present emotional state they can seem unworthwhile, and I found it hard to concentrate for the longest time. I now know that this was shock and trauma, but I thought it would last for ever, and it frightened me.

I did find extremely helpful the exercise of finding 6 good tings that had happened each day, and being grateful for them.

What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that there really is no magic solution. All of these things help, and you will still have good days and bad days. But each time we bounce back a little better and a little faster. In fact I would say that each of the bad times is a prelude to feeling better, but that is with hindsight.

Personally I found understanding more about MLC helpful, but I know others think this causes us to remain stuck . . . so that is a personal decision, based I think on how we learn and move forward.

I am now OK, really OK not just faking it so my friends and family don't worry. I know I had a good and loving marriage, and I can safely revisit all of those memories, and I also know that my husbands reality is altered probably for ever, but that is not anything I can do anything about. he isn't happy, and may never be, and I am truly sorry about that. There was a time when I hoped he would suffer as I did . . . now I would not wish it on anyone. I even feel sorry for OW - what a horrible way to live.

The crunch is that it took me 5 and a half years to get it totally. Compared with people like Antonia and Mila this is a tremendously long time, but I got there in the end, and it was largely good for much of the intervening time. It gets better gradually, and you will come to love yourself and eventually the hateful journey. Hugs.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/20/11 03:18 AM
Made it through another day and accomplished quite a few things. Good feeling. Not looking forward to seeing XH and OW this weekend - but it is part of my routine now. S has tourney out of town. Middle D has banquet that I'm going to attend - just keep doing the next right thing - no matter how much it hurts.
Posted By: Tipper Re: Who am I now? - 05/20/11 05:40 AM
One day at a time, You will get there. I believe we will All someday find hope and happiness in our lives again. We go through the pain and become much stronger.
TIPPER
Posted By: notsosunny Re: Who am I now? - 05/20/11 02:03 PM
Hi Irish just stopping bye.. and yes what a ride. Accomplishments do feel good, good days bad days.......one step at a time. Your a strong woman I know you'll find peace and happiness eventually. Sounds like your gonna be busy with the kids, enjoy
Cindy
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/21/11 04:16 AM
I'm hoping to to slip back because XH brought OW again to son's bb tourney. Games all weekend. I absolutely HATE that he brings her there. She has never met son. But XH's needs and wants come before everyone else's - including his kids. Plus - last year at this exact same tourney - we were still married. So strange...

I can't bring myself to interact with him. Therefore I'm probably not very appealing to him - I know I'm supposed to act as if I am all good - but I am not there yet. Maybe someday. Don't get me wrong - I don't make scenes - I just don't come around him.

Yuck!
Posted By: job Re: Who am I now? - 05/21/11 11:42 AM
IB,
I understand how you feel completely and I'm sure the other posters do to. It takes time to heal and w/him bringing the ow around, it's adding salt to the already open wound that is trying to heal. I most certainly wouldn't be around him either, especially if the ow is there as well.

You will heal in your own time and at your own pace. Until that time, you do what is necessary to help you get to that place. If it means not coming in contact w/him, so be it.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/21/11 12:08 PM
Thanks Snodderly - I meant I didn't want to slip back into downer mode. But it is so hard.

These feelings are SO troubling! So many of these feelings are petty - and I know that - but it doesn't stop them from rearing their ugly heads. I know it is what I do with them that is important - but it gets exhausting trying to keep them under control.
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/21/11 12:21 PM
Irish,

If at all possible, sit where you CAN'T see them without making a neck craning spectacle of yourself.

Also, how much longer is she going to stay interested in these games just to please XH? When S involved doesn't have anything to do with her?

Remember why you are there. Your son, no one else. No hidden agenda on your part. You can be proud, so enjoy these games like you really do, and when your son looks up in the stands, let him see his Mom beaming at him. ((Hugs))
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Who am I now? - 05/21/11 12:44 PM
Irish

Then don't control them. Feel them and then let them go. Trying to control them must take a lot of energy, feeling then letting go just may help.
Posted By: d1adsl5a Re: Who am I now? - 05/22/11 10:03 PM
Irish: Control our feelings and other feelings is the hardest thing. I am still trying to control ex's feelings on not trying to go after sole custody. I am trying to get her to see the light not to use our kids as pawn's for money. I am trying to learn that it is ok that things are out of control right now. I don't have a choice but to embrace it. You have to do the same thing...Just learn to deal with our situations. It the last week, I have had insomnia every other night trying to figure out my situation. it is so hard to let go and not worry about everything. When I lay down at night, the thoughts come and i it is hard to just relax and let go.

These are the hardest times of our lives. We will get through it. It is day by day, hour by hour, week by week...
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 02:10 AM
Miserable weekend at bb tourney. XH and OW literally laying on each other in the stands. holding hands every where. She is up yelling and screaming as if she knows the team. Son was so upset and it was just terribly uncomfortable for XH to act that way in a place where people know us as a family. It was embarrassing.

I need a new life!
Posted By: Lorie1964 Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 02:16 AM
((((IB))))
Posted By: d1adsl5a Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 02:22 AM
Irish,

Sorry to hear. I know how painful that can be. Just know that someday it will hit him what he did and is doing to you. That gut wrenching feeling will go away someday. He is hiding right now with OW. It is safe, easy and he thinks makes him whole. It is shortlived.. Give it time, they all figure it out someday..
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 03:17 AM
Honestly, I'm just so blown away by the MLCr's ability to detach themselves from those people who have been essential in their every day lives. It is as if my XH has no connection to the life we shared for almost 30 years. His new love - she is the one who deserves his attention, his protection, - I will NEVER understand it.

My role to date has been X's wife and D, D, and S's mother. His disposal of me has sent me to this place where I have lost any sense of self. Never, in all these years, have I ever regretted my role. I loved it. I am so out of my element.
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 03:47 AM
(((((IB))))),

Shameful behavior from shameful people. I hope that you and your son have a better day tomorrow. Your ex will be the talk of the town, he will regret all of this someday. Not soon enough, but it does happen.

In the meanwhile, take care of you and your son. You did not do anything to deserve this treatment but you must do something to make yourself feel better. Take a walk, call a friend or IC, have a good cry but do something for you...

Ever
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 11:44 AM
Irish,

You mentioned above that you were 'out of your element'; and that's exactly wrong. You are what you have always been. Supportive mother and friend, there for your kids through thick and thin. It is your element that XH and OW has invaded.

In my experience, people usually try to make a spectacle of themselves when THEY are feeling out of their element. A pitiful cry of "Hey, look at me, how great I've got it" Fortunately, most people around will just be embarrassed for him. Others will be appalled.

Regardless, although I am sorry for your son's sake, you acted perfectly. Now, unfortunately, it is up to your son to tell his Dad to grow up or not show up, but let that be his decision.

You are doing great Irish, just having a bit of down time. Put it to good use. ((HUGS))
Posted By: d1adsl5a Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 03:46 PM
Each day you will find strength. Each new day you will find you again. We are all out of our element here. We were part of something for years. It took how many years to get to this place, you can't change things over night. We have a choice everyday we wake up. We can choose to stay in the fetal position or we can choose to fight. Fight for ourselves. Fight to be whole again. Fight to be confident in ourselves again. Fight to smile and laugh again. Every day is a choice... In time, you will detach and the feelings will subside. I couldn't bear to even look at my W when she left at any sporting events for our boys. In time, it was ok to sit by her.

You will find your stength. Whatever you do, don't run out and start dating yet to get him back or find someone to make you whole and feel safe. It is a false sense of security. Right now that is what he has with her. He is able to push away all his emotions that he should be feeling at the end of marriage with the OW.

You have to do in on your own before someone else can do that for you. I learned that the hard way.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/23/11 08:02 PM
IB, I am so sorry your xh and the ow felt a need to be so classless. Sad, really.

I am sure your son was upset. Unfortunately, as much as we want to, we cannot do anything to fix that for our children.

I agree with Punkin. It is now up to your son to tell his father how he feels. He will not hear it if it comes from you. And he might not hear it from son either.

We should never, ever be defined by our roles. Rather, we should be defined by the kind of person we are. You are a strong, loving, loyal, intelligent woman.

As far as your ex and his antics - You belong there at your son's games. You cheer him on and act with dignity and grace. Believe me, people are shaking their heads at the two of them.

This is your life, IB. Live it!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/24/11 12:54 AM
Day 1 recovering from rotten weekend. I am trying to take all of your words to heart. I have a lot of work to do. I was reading through my journal from this past year and when XH and I had committed to marital recovery we established a "narrow path" that we would follow. I realized that I need that same recovery for myself. So I am setting up my own path. Slow and steady.
Posted By: Tipper Re: Who am I now? - 05/24/11 03:26 AM
IB,
Your doing great. Slow and steady wins the race!!!

I understand your anger. I just posted on my thread a lot of useful tips I got from my Alanon support group tonight about anger. It may help.

Its all easier said than done, but at least tonight I finally feel some peace (one day at a time)!!!
TIPPER
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/25/11 01:07 AM
Day 2 - recovery continues. Came home and took a nap with no guilt. S continues to defy boundaries. I am trying to maintain calm - but it is sucking the very life out of me. But I am not getting off my track. I need to feel better.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/25/11 01:43 AM
Come on, IB, dig in. You can do this.

You just have to believe it.
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Who am I now? - 05/25/11 08:59 PM
Hey IB

Just drop by to give ya a cyberhug...

((((((Hug))))))

So what is good in your life today? It is sunny where I live....ahhhhh...the sun feels good.

Chin up.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/26/11 12:19 AM
Thank you very much! Recovery Day 3 - faced the monster - BILLS!! I have been avoiding responsibility - not proud of it - but I can't do this to myself any longer. I am better than this. No self-medicating with beverages - don't need the calories. Instead I am going to bed early and trying to read. I've been re-reading the chaotic notes that journal the last 11 months. It is frightening! I wonder if I will ever fully process the heinous treatment I have experienced over this last year. Definitely will take time and care.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Who am I now? - 05/26/11 12:40 AM
IB, I am assuming you are reading the journal in the hope that it will help you to understand this.

I hope you dont mind me saying that I am not sure that is the best thing for you to do at this time.

Really, it is difficult to understand because it is something we cannot relate to and because MLC makes no real sense.

You just lived it, why would you want to relive it?

Your time is better spent on moving forward.

Sweetie, try as best as you can to put it behind you. The way you start to do that is by living your life.

It's time to start figuring some stuff out and looking inside.

What does IB want her life to look like? What can you do to move towards that?

So, take time to rest and find your center. Then, begin the first day of the rest of your life.

You can have a full, happy one in time. You gotta believe it.
Posted By: Tipper Re: Who am I now? - 05/26/11 02:35 AM
IB,

I agree with brooklyn, that re-reading your old journal will only tare you up inside and make you focus on the negative. Maybe find some inspirational reaings or self help books on emotions at the library. I find that reading is one of the best things I feel helps me during all these past/current three times my H has left.

I cant focus on novels, so I have indulged in bying alanon books and inspirational literature, that I feel gives me some answers.

Have you read co-dependent no more. I feel it can be applied to many of our sitch's here on these boards... (not just for those that lived with alcoholics).
TIPPER
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/26/11 11:51 AM
Oops! you must have missed reading the thread from MY terrible weekend when I re read all the old emails. EECCHH! There is nothing to be gained but more heartache. But that's the past. Leave it buried there.

YOU. Whether you believe it or not, you are a strong, capable individual and manageing the finances is one way to convince yourself of just that. My friend says I can squeeze a penny til it screams. Slight exageration, but I am thrifty. You learn to be. And it gives you a powerful sense of fulfillment when you do it. Even if you are in the red now, working through this and digging yourself out is another step towards realizing your own worth. I'm certainly not Donald Trump, but I'll be glad to help you sort through any quagmire your XH left you in. There are probably others here even better than me.

Your son is going through his own personal He11 right now, and you can't guide him through. You can suggest, of course. You can ask that he be more considerate of the position you yourself are in. You can seek help from others in your community that can give guidance. People that he respects. How about his Coach? He's probably aware of the sitch, but doesn't want to intrude, and if you asked, would be more than happy to give a little extra guidance. All without your son knowing you asked, of course. And besides, some pushing of the boundaries at his age is unfortunately perfectly normal, just bad timing.

Irish, you are a wonderful, loving, trusting person who got shafted. We all did to some extent or the other. But that doesn't define who you are, UNLESS YOU LET IT. Get out there, wave and smile at neighbors, work in your yard. Be the happy, friendly person you are inside. I can't tell you what you find as a purpose; you have to find that for yourself, but you can and will find it.

((HUGS))
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/27/11 12:09 AM
Day 4 - Not sure what really sparked this move into a "narrow path" of recovery - but for me it has been comforting rather than stifling.

For me, re-reading the journals gave me some perspective of the chaos and sickness that had taken over my life. That part is gone. Signs of the sick behavior appear when he flaunts OW around or tries to force her on the kids - basically his detachment from reality and from those who loved and cared for him for so long. But those appearances are intermittent rather than constant.

Will be alone for most of the weekend and I am actually looking forward to it. Need the time to relax and meditate about next steps.

So grateful to have this board...
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: Who am I now? - 05/27/11 01:45 AM
Hey IB I'm going to be alone for the bulk of the weekend too (well, from now through the weekend and probably then some) as I have a sick cat and can't go anywhere since she needs meds twice a day--so I'll be checking if you need anything. I'm feeling a rough spot coming on myself and I'm just trying to talk myself out of it. We can do that together :-)
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/27/11 11:50 PM
Day 5 and doing fine! Went to the grocery - got gas - ready for the weekend. Home alone - watching movies and relaxing. Enjoying the freedom of no accountability right now to anyone but myself.

Hope everyone has a good one!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/28/11 12:44 PM
FINALLY - the prospect of beautiful sunny days in a row!!! Plan to accomplish a few things today. Helping a friend by babysitting this afternoon. Relaxing this evening. Middle D coming home tomorrow - so I'll do some cooking (which I haven't done in a while). All in all - not a bad life:) Day 6 and still recovering!
Posted By: job Re: Who am I now? - 05/28/11 01:32 PM
You are doing great! The sunny days will help your "mood" as well. Enjoy your time w/your family!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/29/11 12:40 PM
I have hit Day 7 of "recovery" and I feel better - better than I did a week ago. I've just slowed down - socially, physically, mentally, emotionally. Kept a very narrow window open of what I do. It has allowed me to sleep better, shed some weight, think more clearly, and yes - unfortunately FEEL more of the hurt, loss, etc. But having the other aspects a little more balanced has allowed me to recognize if you give it 90 seconds or so - the pain does begin to subside. It's a little lonely I'll admit - but I am ok. Still have NO idea what I am doing or who or what I want to be but I'm hoping that will come.

Looking forward to sitting by water somewhere today and soaking in the sun!
Posted By: notsosunny Re: Who am I now? - 05/29/11 12:46 PM
Good for U IB, enjoy that sun!

Cindy
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/30/11 01:07 AM
One part of divorce that I don't think I will EVER get over is the dynamic of secrets. What used to be ours in terms of relationships with kids, friends, family etc. are now his and mine. Kids don't feel like they can talk to other parent, etc. Another casualty.

Productive day - trying to do the next right thing.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Who am I now? - 05/30/11 06:02 AM
IB one of the saddest things that has come out of all this for me, nearly 6 years down the line, is a comment that my youngest son made. My xh is attempting [rather feebly] to rebuild relationships with his sons, and I asked my son how it was going - I rarely talk about my xh to them, btw. And he said that he could never again have his father close enough so that he could hurt him as much.

There was little I could say, except to feel huge compassion for both - the one who was hurt and the one who did so much damage. There are no winners in this, sadly. But there are survivors!! Your children will be able to talk to you in time Right now they see you hurting. If your h is sensible he will maintain a relationship with his children throughout this. Some manage it, many don't, and it damages them both.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/30/11 10:51 PM
Really nice day by swimming pool with D. Her friend and her friend's mother came. Listened to ANOTHER story of divorce. Her tales of dating were frightening. But she keeps putting herself out there.

Let me just say - I'm not there yet!!!!!
Posted By: punkin Re: Who am I now? - 05/31/11 11:39 AM
Irish,

You are doing one day at a time, and if that works best for you Bravo! I think most of us practice it to one extint or another. Hard on us long term planners, though, isn't it.
Posted By: Lorie1964 Re: Who am I now? - 05/31/11 01:44 PM
IB I am so glad you had fun with your D and friends. I could not imagine what it would be like out there dating again. I have heard stories too. I am thankful that I am happy with me and that I don't need anyone to complete who I am and where I am going. You are the same! A strong woman who is embarking on the world with great strength and a bit of trepidation. You go girl!!
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: Who am I now? - 05/31/11 02:07 PM
IB

Quote:
Her tales of dating were frightening

Just wanted to point out that with everything in life, many sitchs, experiences are unique. That said, the key word in the above quote is HER - youre expereience can be different.

Quote:
Let me just say - I'm not there yet!!!!!

Then don't rush it IB....take your time. As long as it takes.

Glad to see you had fun with D.

God Bless,
Eric
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 05/31/11 09:12 PM
Thanks all. Met with IC today (proudly I am now making it a whole MONTH between appointments!) So much still to work through but the key is I AM working so doing ok!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 06/03/11 03:34 AM
Did a round trip back to my hometown for a family funeral - 8 hours in the car. First time I've seen my extended family since this whole thing unfolded. Just felt odd. Very busy week - too busy really. Off track a little bit from where I was last week. Time to re-group.
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 06/04/11 01:31 AM
Finally - the end of the week! Crazy busy. Plus S challenging every boundary. So son and I have a come to Jesus - with me in the role of Jesus - and guess what? It went REALLY well. He asked a lot of questions about H's indiscretions - just curious - so I very gently talked about privacy issues - and that overall people deal with their unhappiness in different ways. Trying to take in advice from all my self-help books regarding addiction and such - honest but appropriate!

Anyway - it went very well. I have a great son - just a challenging 17 year old!
Posted By: irishblessings Re: Who am I now? - 06/06/11 01:45 AM
XHs craziness continues. S shared that H has missed a lot of work and that today at graduation everyone kept asking S where his dad was. S said his dad comes in with 2 minutes remaining - pushing the envelope always. Then found out that s's basketball coach asked H to drive one of the buses to an upcoming day and H replied in email if it would be ok if he brought his gf! Coach made an excuse to say he didn't need another bus. We all are just looking at each other and saying "REALLY"???? Next weekend will be one year since H left and so much has changed and happened. Craziness!
Posted By: Lorie1964 Re: Who am I now? - 06/06/11 03:45 AM
Really??? Craziness! I worry about this when D16 has Marching Band events, and that H will just show up with gf without warning! He also drives one of the buses for the band, and I swear heads will roll if he brings gf on the bus with the kids! Actually here, because it is a school function, only those who have been cleared by a background check and the school board can be on those buses. Whew! But I have a feeling H will bring her around SOMEWHERE we are this summer. We have festivals all over and work a fundraising booth at all these events. I have tried to prepare D16 for this, but she just says she won't even speak to him if he does that to her.

IB, didn't mean to hijack. You keep on rockin' girl!!
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