9 years ago our world was destroyed by a pedophile rapist. It took two years to put him in prison. He has now been there for 7 years but we have just been informed he has requested he be paroled.
Each new thread I have begun was easy to title and begin.
Not this one. I have no idea what to say but I believe it is necessary to do so as I have learned from interactions with X over the past two days this event affected her more than I had previously realized.
I'll post more when I am able.
Sleeper,
I can not imagine what you and your X must be going through with the possibility of this monster's parole.
How long was he sentenced for? I can tell you that as far as I'm concerned it could never be long enough.
How is your D doing today? I pray she has no recollection of what happened to her.
What state is this in? Was he convicted of the actual rape, or of a lesser charge?
He was convicted of molestation. Rape carries a much higher burden of proof. He sodomized my daughter.
Our daughter choose me as a sounding board for what had happened to her (I still feel I was and am still honored by that).
It's a really long story.
The perp is borderline genius, his father and brother are physicists, one works for the Feds at Oak Ridge, Tenn (I kid u not)
He was under investigation for a year before he raped my daughter (believed himself to be too smart to be caught)
Her testimony at age 35 months resulted in his arrest
His parents had the money and influence to drag the legal process out for years.
It destroyed us.
I find myself having to recall things I had forgotten as I
prepare a statement for the parole board.
The experience is not positive.
...can not imagine what you and your X must be going through...
X called me the day she was informed by phone this past week. She was distraught, said she "fell to the floor" when the parole office informed her on the phone. I was very surprised by her reaction. She was the one who held everything together and I fell apart gradually as I developed PTSD over the two years of the trial. This gave me a little inkling as to the degree of impact this really had on her. I always thought she handled it better than I did.
He pleaded guilty to four counts of the 10 he was charged of molestation of a juvenile and was sentenced for a total of 35 years. WHENEVER YOU LEARN SOMEONE HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH MOLESTATION OF A CHILD KNOW THEY HAVE PROBABLY DONE MUCH WORSE BUT ARE CHARGED WITH MOLESTATION AS THE BURDEN OF PROOF IS LESS AND PROSECUTORS ARE SEEKING A CONVICTION.
My daughter's subconscious is keenly aware of what happened to her, her conscious is not. The child psychologists told us she would not remember what had happened as the memory of a 35 month old is not fully developed (they were partially correct as her long term memory wasn't but her short term memory was and she would describe and question me about what he had done to her over the year following her assault).
She had a dream just a few weeks ago which symbolically reviewed what happened to her. I immediately called my X and told her of what she had dreamed(we both know the details as Daughter related them to me and I would then immediately inform X).
The only thing I can say that might help one understand what I experienced is that I have no desire, nor will I ever view a horror movie again.
OM doesn't "get" it. X told me his immediate response was, "It'll be alright". She told me she tried to explain to him that this had destroyed her first marriage.
Oh, and before someone asks, "Sleeper, your thread just doesn't seem to fit, why are you still posting here?"
I'm really not sure myself.
Sleeper,
I'm so sorry. This is all just horrible. How can they let someone out after only a few years when the sentence was 35 years?! I will pray that the parole board will deny him parole.
We are here to listen, respond, and help each other to carry our burdens, and if the time ever comes, to rejoice together . . . .
I cannot imagine your feelings, or even name what they might be. But if here is where you can come and tell us, then it is the right place.
Sleeper,
Beatrice is right. Please don't think that you shouldn't be here. Where better to come for support through any of life's challenges.
All this interconnects. You can see that clearer now. This would have thrown any parent. It profoundly affected both you and the X.
I pray that he is denied parole. He is not fit to be put back into society to prey on any more children.
Please keep posting.
Correction He recieved 25 years, not 35. (my finger hit the three rather than the two and I didn't notce).
Is it possible to be there at the hearing with a blown up photo of your D at the age she was when he assaulted her? This may remind the parole board who the victim was, and who (potentially) other victims may be if he is let out. And also let them know the impact it had on your family. A letter read by someone else won't have as much of an impact, I think.
So sorry this happened to your family, and specifically to your D. These animals should be put away for life, and never let out to prey on other children again (because if he's let out, he will ... they rarely change).
No one should suggest that Sleeper.
This is and hopefully always will be a safe place for you.
Sleeper, I am so sorry to hear that this is adding to your pain. I am wishing for the best for you.
I think you can introduce anything to a parole that might have a bearing on whether or not the person should be set free-- I think you can bring up the fact your D was raped even though the scum was only convicted of molestation. Maybe you can submit her medical report as evidence?
There was no physical evidence. I know the first response to that is, "How do you know it happened"? The predator was very good at what he did. He druggged the children. He left no physical evidence. He believed himself to be uncatchable, invinceible.
He had been under investigation for a year by the local sex crimes unit before he was arrested. A search warrant had been severed on his home one month before he assaulted my daughter. Only circumstantial evidence was found, nothing strong enough to charge him. (hundreds of erased video tapes, two computers with their hard drives wiped, empty medicine capsule but no drugs (he mixed his own)).
He so much believed himself to be invincible he continued to perpetrate, I believe accelerated his activities, and assaulted our daughter one month later. The police told us they could have arrested him but wanted a higher charge so they didn't knowing he would eventually make a mistake. That mistake was our daughter. She was the first child able to remember what had ahppened as she threw up the drugs but he assaulted her anyway.
Out of the blue she asked me while I was tucking her up one night, "Daddy, why did ____ put his privates in my booty"? (direct quote)
From where would a 3 year old get the idea that it was even possible or imaginable for a man's "privates" to be "put" in a little girl's "booty" (her word for her anus)? The pure, truth filled and only answer that can be logically reached is as shocking as it is horrorfying.
He did just that to her.
I read decades ago that the USAF struggled with a method to help pilots assimilate urgent imformation in combat situations as the number of alarms, buzzers, flashing lights and incoming information was too great for them to handle. The solution was to record their children's voice to deliver status information too important to ignore: "Daddy, your left engine is on fire." They found the pilots would hear this over the din of buzzers, alarms, combat chatter that filled their helmets.
When my sweet, three year old daughter asked that question in absolute innocence with her cherub-like voice it cut to the marrow of my soul. She told me how it hurt, how she was worried about her baby brother who was crying in another room, how the perp tied her hands and how she eventually got away from him. I asked what she did when she got away. She smiled with more pride than I had ever seen in her face and said, "I ran in the bathroom and locked the door."
At that moment I knew why she had stopped going to the bathroom by her self (she potty trained early and previously was very independent) and why she insisted the bathroom door be left open after she was assaulted. More truth that was undeniable.
This was only one of several things she told me over the year after she was raped at times of her choosing, out of the blue with no way to prepare. It was like being hit by lightening every time it happened.
Now you understand the "PTSD" in my bio.
Sleeper, man my heart goes out to you.
I'd do everything and anything I could at that parole hearing to make sure he stays in jail.
Sleeper, ditto what Jack said.
...do everything and anything I could at that parole hearing to make sure he stays in jail.
That raises a whole different set of issues and regrets.
...I think I understand, Sleeper...let me ammend, anything and everything that did not bring my child further harm.
Oh, honey. I hope the cops send somebody to the hearing. No telling how many kids he did this to.
So he thought he was invincible... your D's testimony must have wiped the smile right off his face.
Her testimony had no affect upon him (he was given access to her taped testimony but we, her parents, were not allowed to view it).
He is a sociopath.
He made bail.
When rearrested the bail was raised but he moved for bail reduction hearings.
When bail reduction failed he offered to plead guilty to a portion of the charges only if the DA would allow him to leave the state so he could "spend Christmas at home with his parents".
To our shock and outrage the DA agreed to his terms. He was released and traveled two states away. His girlfriend at the time lived in France and we thought he would never be seen again.
All that occured in the first four months of a two year legal ordeal. He, with the support of his family fought justice every step of the way, even appealing his sentence first to the state courts of appeals and finally to the state supreme court.
Thank GOD the state supreme court refused to hear the appeal and let stand the appealate court affirmation of the lower court sentence. If the state supreme court had heard the case it would have opened the door for him to appeal to the US supreme court had they upheld the sentence (and he would have).
Know you know why my X fell to the floor when she was informed of the parole hearing. Getting this guy behind bars and keeping him there as long as he has been has already been enough of an ordeal.
On a positive note, I spoke with him privately after my daughter opened up to me but before he was arrested. He immediately left town for a week. When he returned he told everyone he had been in a car accident.
Imagine it had been your 35 month old daughter Jack.
Would it have been "words or fists"?
I'm sorry Jack. It was fists. My left and right. Although I've never met you in person I have great deal of respect for you and think you're a great guy but what is illustrated by your question is one of the things that drives me crazy about this. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands what we went through.
Friends said little or nothing. Our church was totally silent. I was a musician in our church and put down my instrument one year into the trial. I haven't touched it since. I wasn't a professional but used to play backup on my horn for a professional singer. It wasn't really a conscious decision, I just couldn't play anymore. I couldn't concentrate. I didn't want to foul up and hurt the entire orchestra's performance so I quit.
My own friggin sister said to me when the trial was over, "Well, that's all behind you now." Yeah. My daughter who is practically a toddler had been raped, we've been through two years of legal hell, been forced out of our home, our business on the verge of bankruptcy cause our bookeeper took advantage of our distraction and ripped us off so "it's all over". I have not informed her of the parole hearing.
One of the few positive memories I have in all this was watching him reach up and remove what I believed to be a small piece of tooth out of his mouth and rub it between his thumb and index finger as he looked at it.
One great regret I have had repeatedly is not killing the SOB as was my intention when I left for his apt. I called my X on the way there to tell her what I was going to do and where I had left some important things like the checkbook she would need. She made me promise not to kill him. I did. Both her and I regretted that promise in the following years to come.
He left town for a week. He told people the reason he had two black eyes when he returned was because they were the result of an auto accident.
Maybe he shouldn't be in such a hurry to get out of jail. Just saying.
Who knows, Andabelle?
Only time will tell.
It's the SOS.
Nobody knows what to say.
Including me.
regardless, sleeper. it's really about you.
Sleeper,
I don't believe I've ever written on your thread, but I have kept up with it.
I am a grandmother of 12, going on 13 grandchildren, ages 0 - 11. If my feelings of protectiveness were great as a mother, they are positively FIERCE as a Grandmother. Two of my grands live in a town that is the home of a rather celebrated missing child case. I regularly keep up on the Internet with the whereabouts of registered child molesters in vicinity of my grandchildren. ( Obsessive??)
I cannot begin to understand the anguish you have been through over your D. My concern is the amount of ANGER you have in your thread. Understandable, absolutely. Healthy? No. What I mean is if you let this consume you, then the Pedophile wins. What has this all cost you in terms of your life, Sleeper? Your anger sounds all consuming and that has to have a damaging effect on your life, and consequently on your D's.
I know you'd do anything to help your D; also do something for yourself to help detach yourself somewhat from this anger just as we've had to detach ourselves from the separation of our family unit. You cannot begin to heal until you do.
I apologize if I sound preachy. Must be the Easter Sunday thing. I do, however, believe in the saying "Let go and let God".
Right, I agree with punkin. You have to take care of yourself first.
Yes, I'm angry. Punkin it's interesting that just prior to reading your comment I remembered once hearing depression is anger turned inward.
I agree for the most part, but that is not written in stone. There are different kinds of depression. There is only two kinds of anger that I know of: Pi$$ed off and Homocidal. LOL
Truly, depression and anger run hand in hand. Just don't let it run your life.
I agree for the most part, but that is not written in stone. There are different kinds of depression. There is only two kinds of anger that I know of: Pi$$ed off and Homocidal. LOL
Truly, depression and anger run hand in hand. Just don't let it run your life.
DAMN EDIT BUTTON! THERE, I SAID IT
Uhh, Sleeper.
It would have been my fists too, I have nothing but respect for you.
As an abused child, I have nothing but contempt for pedophiles and pederasts. There is no 'cure'.
Like I said, I'm sorry Jack, that my earlier response to you came across as harsh (at least it did to me when I re-read it).
This parole hearing has raised many forgotten memories, of the horrible sort, and some old issues. I had a migraine last weekend, the first in a couple of years. It was mild as mine go but a migraine nontheless. I also had a mild physical manifestation of stress?) a couple of days ago, the sort which put me in the hospital over a weekend during the middle of the trial.
What the devil does this have to do with MLC?.....
2002-Our 35 mo old D sodomized by serial pedophile
2003-I develop PTSD
2004-trial of perpetrator ends
2005-woman who raised X dies
2006-X(only one present)watches H of "woman who raised" her die
2007-we separate
A counselor I was seeing after we separated who had known X for several years and counseled her called it; "The perfect storm."
I guess from his perspective "perfect" was significant.
Brother do not worry about how I or anyone else took your post.
I am not walking in your shoes man, and I never want too, so my advice is just words.
You need to be as strong as possible for your daughter and yourself, figure out a stress reless, knocking the crap out of a punching bag or some weights...but something that doesn't put you into a hospital.
That's my simplistic advice, you already have my support.
Thanks, Jack
I know my sitch doesn't really fit here but this is where I began to unravel the whole mess as it impacted us and some things seem to be coming to light.
I touched base with X Saturday about what we shoud be prepared for as the parole hearing is one week away.
She told me she hasn't really allowed herself to think about it yet as needed to be able to function.
Apparently she has the ability to put things totally out of her mind. I can't help but wonder what will happen when it all comes rushing back in.
Sleeper,
Fit or not, this is where you have a support system.
That is what counts.
Sleeper
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Would it have been "words or fists"?
– but honestly, I would not have had the talk with fist…it would have been with a 357 Magnum.
I was a musician in our church and put down my instrument one year into the trial. I haven't touched it since.
Please do NOT let this scum of the earth, piece of dog chit, perverted filth, nasty sob steal YOUR joy. Do not give him or his family the benefit of this!
Both her and I regretted that promise in the following years to come.
AN eternity in HELL is much worse than killing him. Do you know what they do to pedophiles in prison? Don’t ask… Killing him would have given you immediate satisfication but in the end would have impacted YOUR daughter, as you would not been there for HER. Leave it to the man upstairs.
Your D needs YOU to be the rock for HER. Never and I mean never give this scum your joy or that of your daughters. Never risk the time that you have with your little girl. Never!
Finally, as for if you should be here…..you should be where ever you feel most comfortable.
Stay strong Sleeper…stay strong…gather all the info you need to keep this piece of living chit behind bars. Let him feel the wrath of some other inmate – Personally, I would find out the names of some of the inmates in the prison that he is at, ones that have little girls and I would send them a letter telling them all about this scum.
Be strong….and my heart goes out to you.
Trust that God has all of this in his hand. I do not believe that he will get out. I do not believe that our system would work that way. Have faith…that “justice shall be mine”.
God Bless,
Eric
Sleeper,
I feel for you. As a L, I used to work in the sex offender's unit with a caseload of 72 of those types of cases. (Guess you can imagine why I switched legal specialities...OMG, it's tough thing to deal with). But Unless I'm missing something, all that is happening is the prisoner is requesting early release, and this is his first such attempt, correct? I KNOW how aggravating it is, but it's not unusual.
90% of offenders have their parole denied at this stage. And the ones who are granted parole, RARELY have child molestation as their offense. Very rarely. If you think you'll be helped by it, then attend and speak your mind, or have your d do so, IF that's something she wants. It can be traumatic but sometmes it's empowering and cathartic. Ask her, without constantly reminding her. Her seeing YOUR PAIN is another thing that will burden her so perhaps there are other places for you to express your pain.
You have a lot to deal with but I don't think him being released is one of the problems you need to worry about (b/c I doubt it will happen). Also, as someone else said, HE may have more "luck" inside prison (where they often segregate the prisoners so that the molesters are not targetted) than outside...
Don't do anything that will cost your d a parent...you know what I mean, right?
Meantime...I am sending you as much strength and honor and prayers to you as I can. We all are.
(( hugs ))
Yes, ericmsant2,
He is requesting parole. I have been told and believe statistically his chances of being paroled are slim and none. However if someone had told me he would never be allowed to leave the state to live with his parents AFTER pleading guilty while awaiting sentencing I would have believed that too.
At first my fears were tempered by reading the law regarding his possible parole until I found how it is possible. Our state law allows for parole of such as him provided he is "chemically sterilized", more commonly refered to as chemical castration. I have no doubt this will be the basis of his plea for parole. He will have the support of his wealthy, well-connected family and the best lawyers money can buy.
Sleeper
At first my fears were tempered by reading the law regarding his possible parole until I found how it is possible.
Possible and reality are TWO different things.
Is it possible that most MLCer snap out of it - YES is it always a reality - NO.
Stop looking at what could happen to him and focus your efforts on what YOU need to do for your D.
Control what YOU can....
Contact the people you need to, in order to keep this scumbag where he belongs. After that, leave it to the man upstairs.
The more you focus on HIM and things you cannot control the less energy you will have to focus on you and your family, which is more important than this piece of chit we call a human.
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks to all who have commented.
The bottom line is that D is "OK". She is consciously unaware of what happened to her although from dreams she has related her subconscious is aware. Neither I nor X will mention the hearing to her (It goes without saying between us).
This has raised some demons from the past for me and I believe for X as well. That is our problem to deal with individually.
Usually I see my kids daily (I'm a lucky man) but this week the kids are with X and her H out of town. They'll fly back in Sun, then the hearing is out of town but within driving distance Mon.
I'm no longer dreading the hearing but instead looking forward to having my kids back in town.
Meantime...I am sending you as much strength and honor and prayers to you as I can. We all are.
Thanks 25yearsmlc,
Parole hearing is this AM. It's not so much that I'm fearful he will be parolled. It's just that all the memories that have been brought back to the surface has made it like reliving a nightmare.
(((Sleeper)))
I'm praying he stays right where he belongs.
I just got back from the prison. (Isn't that a Johnny Cash tune?)
The parole hearng was canceled. Nobody bothered to inform us. Made the trip for nothing. Although due to extenuating circumstances that is exactly what his lawyer did to jerk the families around for two years.
The deja vue is complete.
I'm sorry, Sleeper. That ain't right.
Yeah. People don't understand unless they've been through something like this. I've had to think many times over the last month what I would say at the hearing. A lot of unpleasant buried memories and emotions have come to the surface. I tossed and turned last night, got little sleep. The irony of the hearing being cancelled without notifying us, as happened with so many court procedings during the trial, is too rich for words to describe.
The drive there was no fun but it was a nice drive back (2 hrs). I took a different route and tuned the radio to a station broadcasting Haydn to unwind.
X was hit pretty hard by this. She controls it well but did verbalize how upset she was and that what happened was, "totally like last time."
I had a dream a couple of nights ago. X and I were standing on the bank of a flooded river. We needed to cross to the other side but didn't have a boat. A guy paddled up in a one man kayak and the three of us spoke briefly. He said something off-color that I knew would disturb X. Neither of us responded to him. Suddenly the flood waters drained away exposing a firm sandstone riverbed that we could easily walk across. Just as I realized the waters were gone and we could walk across but before either of us made an attempt, we were surprised by a gusher of dirty, brown water that began spewing violently from the riverbed. It was obvious we would not be able to cross before the area flooded again.
I can't help but see similarities between the symbolism in the dream and what happened this AM. Especially now as we were told all probation hearings at that prison have been cancelled due to the Mississippi River flooding which has resulted in other prisons being evacuated and their populations moved to this one.
Sleeper, I am sorry you are going through all of this. Like me, you are still coming here for support, and I understand how that is.
I hope you are able to take care of yourself. It's been a long time for you and for me. It was four years ago now that I got the bomb.
About a month ago I was told the "rescheduled" parole hearing would be held June 3.
Then we were informed we were told that in error and only a meeting would be held June 3 to "reschedule" a parole hearing for the one that was cancelled. We were also told we would be notified of the date of the rescheduled hearing.
June 3 was a week ago.
What does that mean was the hearing rescheduled for June 3, or was June 3rd the day they would figure out a future date to be rescheduled?
How are YOU holding up sleeper?
June 3 they were to meet and reschedule the parole hearing. I have learned they must notify victims at least 30 days prior to a parole hearing. Of course we've also been told we weren't supposed to have been informed by a guard at the gate of the prison minutes before it was scheduled to take place the hearing has been cancelled, so I take what I'm told with a grain of salt, so to speak.
I'm doing OK but I'd really like to get this behind me. It's beginning to take on a limboesque aire. I did have a flashback about a week ago. It was triggered by a scene in a movie. Didn't see it coming as I was unaware the movie contained anything like that and what I'm calling a "flashback" is a new experience for me. I was caught totally off guard.
This event did result in a long conversation with the lady I'm dating. When it happened I just wanted to be alone. Not sure why other than the emotional flood is so intense it's about all I can handle at the moment, so I leave. Turns out she has abandonment issues which can be traced back to the death of her father at age 1. Sweet. During our convo red flags were raised, fireworks shot into the air and the words: "Toxic Relationship" (I've never fully understood that term until now)fell from the ceiling in bright tubular neon, surrounded by white, incandescant, racing lights. I'm not sure if she could see what I saw or not.
If I don't hear from them by next week I'll visit the local Office of Probation and Parole. That't always a fun trip as they treat everyone who walks through the door as if they are on probation. The consolation of enduring the staff's brisk rudeness, the plexiglass barriers, the signs of what you better do and better not do is that one is afforded the oppotunity to meet such interesting people while sitting in the waiting room.
I just remembered my concealed carry permit has expired.
Honey, much as I totally understand your desires re: this piece of scum, please remember that your daughter would be further traumatized by losing her daddy to prison. So, god forbid, if this guy ever gets out and you find yourself driven to do something, make sure it is sneaky and untraceable.
KML - I love your work
make sure it is sneaky and untraceable.
Sleeper -
Turns out she has abandonment issues which can be traced back to the death of her father at age 1. Sweet. During our convo red flags were raised, fireworks shot into the air and the words: "Toxic Relationship" (I've never fully understood that term until now)fell from the ceiling in bright tubular neon, surrounded by white, incandescant, racing lights. I'm not sure if she could see what I saw or not.
Sorry you’ve been going through this stuff with your daughter. I guess that the thing about child abuse, it leaves a legacy for everyone involved that goes on for such a long time. It sux. I’m working in a developing country at the moment and I was talking to the Dr at a local hospital yesterday. He told me that of the 300 rape cases who reported to his clinic in the past 12 months, the average age of the victim was under 13 years old. What is wrong with people?
On the issue of your new girl, Isn't it interesting how we learn? I find that in my relationships post divorce I’m so much clearer about the emotional health I expect my partner to have. .. and I’m so much quicker to act and move on when I realize they don’t. Never going there again. I don’t know about you, but I’ve done years of work on myself, and I’m not going to screw it up by hooking up with someone who hasn’t dealt with and managed their issues.
Take care, v
KML - I love your work
make sure it is sneaky and untraceable.
Sleeper -
Turns out she has abandonment issues which can be traced back to the death of her father at age 1. Sweet. During our convo red flags were raised, fireworks shot into the air and the words: "Toxic Relationship" (I've never fully understood that term until now)fell from the ceiling in bright tubular neon, surrounded by white, incandescant, racing lights. I'm not sure if she could see what I saw or not.
Isn't it interesting how we learn
I intended to visit the parole office this week as I posted above but was too busy. They contacted me instead. They informed me the hearing would be in approximately three weeks. Funny thing is the state law requires 30 days notice be provided to victims. After some back and forth the hearing is now set for August 15.
How are YOU holding up sleeper?
I haven't responded to you until now, Jack, because I wasn't sure but you question did give cause for thought and I appreciate your concern.
I had what I'm describing as a "flashback" a couple of weeks ago and something happened yesterday. I was shopping and overheard someone make a comment on their cell phone we've all heard thousands of times:
"If anyone ever did anything like that to my child there would be no need to call the police because I'd take care of them myself."
I don't know why but hearing that really threw me even though I've heard such many times as we all have. I felt inadequacy, anger and regret all at once. I'm sick of making the "right" choices and getting the shaft anyway.
Oh, I almost forgot...(DAMN THAT "EDIT" BUTTON)
I was able to control my emotions/stop myself from dwelling on that event/go somewhere I didn't want to go and I remained centered.
I felt inadequacy, anger and regret all at once.
This is normal I think with anything that we love so much but can't control.
You are only crazy if you try to Sleeper.
Feel it.
Give it its due.
But don't let it consume you. The man has made enough damage already.
I cannot begin to know that feeling other than it happened to my wife and not my child.
And long before I knew her. It is worse than murder IMO.
It keeps on affecting lives.
Stop that pathalogy. You can.
Stop the madness.
You CAN control you.
I'm so sorry, Sleeper. I hope this all comes to a good (as possible) end soon.
Sleeper...I was molested when I was around 2 years old by my bio dad. I started having memories of it happening when I was in college. (I remembered when I was younger but the people I chose to tell told me not to talk about it)
When my mom and dad found out my dad's 1st reaction was to kill him
part of me really wanted that (10%)
but mostly
I really wanted to hear that he would (90%)
I needed my dad there to protect me and love me even though that crap happened to me and I needed to hear that he wanted to kill him for doing that to me
I knew there was nothing that could have stopped my bio-dad from molesting me
nothing anyone could have done...he was an evil man who did evil things in secret and cleverly
your daughter will know that there is nothing you could have done to stop him
but
she will want to know that you wanted to kill him
but knew that she needed you here more
and
it will matter that you chose to do the thing that was harder...let him live
because
We know it is harder to let them live than it is to give in to those feelings and end their miserable evil existence
it really is harder
so
you are the stronger daddy for her
by letting him live
and continuing to be there for her
to be strong for her
and clear the monsters out of her closet no matter how old she might be when they turn up
Thanks figeroni.
What you posted means a lot to me. I'm sorry you went through that. My X was "molested" by her bio father as a child, then later her/our daughter was "molested". Part of that "perfect storm" the counselor described that destroyed our marriage.
Recently X told me her father "fell into her arms crying and begging forgiveness" just a couple of months ago on a visit(they see each other every few years). It really impacted her emotionally and now she has to deal with this parole hearing.
I went back to the Parole Office today as I've recieved no official written verification that the hearing I've been informed by phone will actually take place. After the previous one was cancelled without notification I'm taking nothing for granted. The local office was no help so I'm waiting for word from the state office.
Oh, X told me yesterday that if she drives all the way to that prison AGAIN and the guard at the gate tells her it's cancelled she will floor the accellerator and crash through the gate anyway. She added it should make national news if nothing else and bring some attention to "this bullsh*t".
I believe she will do it.
I will watch the news (just in case)
You are a good dad sleeper
it is all anyone can aspire to be
and you are doing the toughest thing, I think
by NOT giving in to those base emotions and ripping his face off
that takes real courage
real strength
and is a testament to the real man you are
it is what makes you a real dad
it is what makes my dad a real dad too
my bio-dad donated some DNA...but he was never a dad
You, my friend, are a DAD...the toughest job around (next to a MOM)
Thanks, figgeroni
While I was typing the phone rang. It was the State Parole Office confirming the hearing is indeed in two weeks.
That's good news as I'm ready to get this behind me.
If I owned a horse, I'd name it "Trigger."
Since the parole hearing "bomb" last April, it seems triggers are everywhere, especially where I don't expect them.
Sat night I was watching, "The Family Man" starring Nicholas Gage. There is a scene where he is changing his son's diaper and his little girl has to tell him what to do. The two children are the same sex and approximately the age of our children when the perp offended and the destruction of our family began. The little boy is crying in the scene. I was struck by the thought the kids in the movie were the same age as ours and that my daughter told me her little brother was crying, locked in his bedroom while the perp assaulted her. I had to leave the room.
In the movie Gage's character doesn't want to be a "family man", an angel has rewritten his life to what it might have been. He has a wife, two beautiful children and a house made a home by his family and a nice little middle-class life. What he at first doesn't want, he begins to realize is the perfect life. At one time I had that. I don't anymore. I want it back. I want my life back.
This is the second time since April a movie has provided a "trigger" for an overwhelming emotional response. I don't know if it meets the definition of a "flashback". These experiences are probably the best indication of how much this parole hearing has affected me.
Sleeper,
Have you talked to a therapist about this?
Have you talked to a therapist...?
Been there, done that. We talked to two therapists and one therapist/minister of the church where we were members that never attended a single hearing during the trial. Our church was rather large and had four "ministers". Both of our children were born in that church. In all fairness I must mention I did recieve one phone call from the music minister after I resigned from the orchestra.
The minister from the perp's local church attended several of the first hearings and the minister from the church he grew up in traveled from several states away to give testimony what a wonderful person he really is.
Post-bomb I had sessions with one of the above "therapists". X even attended a couple with me. Needless to say, I no longer have any use for therapists or clergy. Once upon a time I sought out a support group for those with PTSD but found they're all veterans with battle related issues in our community.
I actually have had thoughts of seeking out counseling lately but then I realize what a waste of time, effort, money and emotional energy that has always proven to be.
I took DD by to see X at work today. X has gone into focus mode on the hearing. She has contacted those involved in the pedophile's ivestigation and prosecution requesting written statements on theiir opinion of his possible parole.
She has also contacted the counselor I mentioned in the previous post that we saw together a few times. She told me she asked him to write a statement on the perp's, "impact on us and how he destroyed of our marriage". I found her comment interesting and a surprise because she placed the blame for our breakup solely on me at bomb. It should prove to be interesting reading if nothing se.
Therapist not we...for just you.
I can only imagine what you must be feeling apart from the words you write. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't even come close to how you feel. I am not trying to upset you, because in truth I can't imagine it.
The therapist for you only.
I'm not sure I should continue, because I do not want you to believe I feel this way about you, I simply don't.
If that had happened to one of my sons, I think it would shake the foundation of what I viewed being a father was. How I should have somehow done a better job.
A therapist for you, not for your marriage, or for your daughter, but for you sleeper. To help you...with demons.
Man I really hope you take that the way I am intending. Not even close to a judgement or 2x4. Concern with you healing you.
^^^^
Sleeper
I always follow along.
Man what we share (W with child sex abuse)I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
What has helped me lately is getting past the anger by NOT taking it on myself.
It is NOT MINE.
It is HERS.
God I wish it wasn't but it IS.
There is a peace that comes with that.
Not that everything is OK because it NEVER is. May NEVER be.
How many lives will it ruin?
As many as feel victim to it.
Do not be one of those.
Do not allow your D to be.
As much as in your power and control.
Your W is an adult and she has to make her own way
I think it is good you come back here man.
I know what I say you know. Sometimes it is just good to say it to someone who knows.
Sleeper, I will not pretend to try to understand what you and your xw have suffered through. And I keep your d in my prayers.
I wanted to tell you to please try therapy again. It took me four different tries to find one that helped me. And she changed my life.
This is so big, so tough, still so raw and something that you will deal with the rest of your lives. I think telling it to someone who is not emotionally invested could possibly help with the healing of it.
You are an incredible father, S. Maybe you can find tools to help you and possibly your daughter in the future navigate through the understandable anger and hurt of this situation.
You are all in my prayers.
Sleeper,
As someone who was molested throughout much of my childhood, and has reached acceptance and forgiveness (not to my abuser, who would never ask for it, but as a way of ending his power over me, so that he stopped being The Defining Person in my Life), I agree completely with Jack, Grit and Brooklyn. Therapy is something you need to do just for you.
Also, many (most?) people do not understand the impact of sexual abuse. Most of my own family certainly do not. That's why it's important to find a therapist who is skilled in this subject. Interview as many as you need to until you find one you're confident can help you. It is possible to heal, to stop feeling like a victim, and I know there are therapists out there who can transform your life.
I'm truly blown away by your responses. Nobody in our life understood, could identify, or knew what to say when this happened.
No 2x4 taken, Jack.
I have had individual counseling. Mostly with the C that counseled us as a couple post child assault and individuals/couple post-bomb.
Coincidentally, today I went by his office to pick up a copy of a statement he prepared (at X's request) for Prob hearing. The statement was more brief than I expected and rather sterile. Like the difference between a cop's accident report and the experiences of a bloodied passenger?
I haven't seen that C in years. I didn't experience anthing like a "flashback" but I did have a migraine about 2 hrs post-meeting.
The C's statement was dated my birthday.
And X texted me, "happy, happy birthday !", a couple of days ago on my birthday. She hasn't wished me happy birthday since over a year pre-bomb.
I have never posted to you about what happened with your daughter, because I did not know what to say. I am so very sorry that the counselling services failed you so miserably. It is like someone who has suffered endless medical malpractice. You have understandably lost faith in the process and possibility of help.
You have carried a most terrible burden without the help and support that can exist. I hope that you do find the right person one day, as they can explain and help so much, in my experience. Prior to MLC I was extremely sceptical about therapy.
You sound like a terrific person and a wonderful father. pushed to the limits by what life has thrown at them.
Thanks to all who have posted.
I haven't totally given up on counseling as evidenced by the fact since probation issue has arisen I occasionally think I need some.
I think the counselor(s) we saw did the best they could. There was that "perfect storm" aspect as one counselor described it.
Sleeper...
It sounds as if you are experiencing a lot of PTSD (I am NOT a counselor but it feels to be similar to what I did)
I went through many therapists
I rejected one because she had big feet
several because they put their hands on their chin and said "how does that make you feel" and others for other reasons...
I was blessed with a few that were remarkable
I knew when I walked in I was safe
one was a Psychiatrist (major money...thank you insurance)
one was a licensed social worker who had conversations with me instead of making me do all the talking
and one helped me climb out of hell and her office smelled like lilacs...soft but always there...heaven
keep trying until you find one that is home to you
a safe port in a storm
a blanket that helps cover your toes
ask about EMDR therapy it has proven incredibly effect with lots of people
we were just beginning it when I moved
remember...
you can't keep your daughter's monsters away if they live in your own closet
I'm gonna write a book one day. I had two three-ring binders full at one time. I threw them both away when I moved out of my first apt post-bomb. The counselor I was seeing at the time dropped his face into his hands when I told him in response to his suggestion I write a book.
What worked better than counseling was Zoloft. Ironically it wasn't identified as a treatment for PTSD when DD was raped, but several years later when bomb was dropped it was. In short, pharmacutical help was available but not known, so not offered.
PTSD is very different. The brain literally gets "rewired".
I stayed on the Zoloft for a couple of years. Then, believe it or not, I had an opportunity to participate in a program with NASA. Although I would pilot nothing, NASA required a flight physical. I passed with flying colors, except for the Zoloft. The fact I was taking that medication eliminated me from the program.
I refused to allow that SOB to impact my life again. I stopped taking the Zoloft.
I was fine until April when this parole doonboggle began.
I was fine until April when this parole doonboggle began.
Hi, as I said I hesitate to offer comment because I cannot imagine being where you are. But what you wrote struck me - I have found that
if I felt fine
until something new happened in my sitch, it was a sign I was coping, rather than moving forward - recovery is not the word I would use here, as it could trivialise it.
Anyway to give an example, I was fine until the beginning of this week when my xh hit a new low in his treatment of his kids. [This is nearly 6 years on btw, I am not a newbie] I didn't deal with it well until I had a short session with my therapist who helped me understand what I was feeling, and how to deal with it. result? While not 100% fine, I am in a much better place emotionally, and looking at what happened differently.
Incidentally I have a lot of respect for the right medication. As with therapy, it depends hugely on getting the one that works for you and actually helps. Both have their place.
Sleeper,
I, too, have hesitated to post to you because I can't imagine going through what you and your family have gone through.
I just want to tell you how much I admire how you've held back your basest instinct knowing that if you carried it out you would not be there for your D. She has been and continues to be your priority. You are one hell of a father and man.
I am in awe as you continue to lead your family through this.
I pray that the monster stays right where he's at. To do what he's done is the lowest of the low. From what I understand even prisoners don't look kindly on child molesters...
I have found that if I felt fine until something new happened in my sitch, it was a sign I was coping, rather than moving forward.
Beatrice, I just wanted to concur with this excellent observation. I have found it to be true as well. Nothing has happened lately -- even with a D's graduation and a D's wedding -- that has affected me much, but I am not naive enough to think that nothing ever will. And then I will know more about where I am and how much father I have to go.
Apparently I'm not the only one that has been impacted by this. Today X told me she's seeing a counselor again.
Some very good news.
In the past few days I have learned there will be many professionals from various agencies at the hearing to speak against the pedophile's parole. Turns out the counselor X has been seeing is on the staff of the local agency that provides services (all types) for children who are victims of pedophiles.
That agency's caseload includes 5 other children in addition to the 4 he confessed to "molesting". In that capacity she works closely with the local DA. The counselor notified the DA and the assistant DA who prosecuted the case and they are writing statements that will be sent to the parole board.
The local child adoption agency is sending someone to speak (yes, the pedophile had applied to adopt a child and was in the process of being approved when arrested). And the local child welfare agency is sending someone because the pedophile had applied to be a child welfare worker who cares for children while the local courts deliberated welfare/custody issues. He told everyone he was a child welfare worker but now I don't think he was ever approved.
A side note: He was a public school teacher and a youth minister at his church to boot (to my knowledge they're not sending anyone which is probably best).
As you can summize, there are very good reasons for the many dents I made by beating my head against the walls in various residences in which I have lived.
I hope they have a big room for this hearing.
Holy Carp Batman!
I can see why you were frustrated. So many victims besides your own precious child.
Three words: Millstone -Neck -Sea.
The ironic horror of his daily reality is much richer than any demise I envisioned for him (I envisioned many). He believed himself to be of such intellectual superiority to others that he could use any child for his sexual and psychological pleasue with impunity. He is now surrounded and controlled by those of dramatic intellectual inferiority who abuse him for their sexual and psychological pleasure and affirmation.
Karma baby, Karma.
Indeed Karma.
It's just so unreal he's had so many opportunities to ruin so many little lives and was working on ruining more!
I just got home from the prison (again).
Request for parole denied. He stays (for now) and we have been told this means he probably will never be paroled. His release date is July, 2028.
I prepared a statement and fought through tears to read it to the board but i feel it was worth the pain.
If one can find any good in this whole sorid mess...
we have been told this means he probably will never be paroled. His release date is July, 2028.
It is that.
Your pain I am sorry for, I hope you can take comfort in the idea that it was worth it, that your statement helped to keep in prison, unable to affect anymore children.
I wish you peace sleeper.
God Bless and keep Sleeper
Thanks figgeroni,
GOD bless all us LBSes. Each and every one.
In some ways it was surreal. His parents who financed his almost two-year defense that ground us down and destroyed our marriage in 2002-2004 were there. I think his father has Parkinson's Disease now as evidenced by a hand tremor. His mother's face seems frozen in a perpetual state of sadness. I almost feel sorry for them.
There was no lawyer present on his behalf although I fully expected one (the same one at the trial) to be present. A little piss ant piece of a preacher (my apologies to all and I will refrain from mentioning the denomination) was there and spoke on his behalf. That preacher's statement was the most infuriating and unanticipated nuance as he opined how rather than weakening the perp's parents marriage, the pedophile's time in prison had instead strengthened it and there was now a stronger love there to embrace, support, nuture and heal the pedophile if only the parole board would see fit to grant parole.
The one thing that is now confirmed by X's comments today and my own realization is that what the pedophile did to our daughter combined with the two-year court ordeal destroyed our M. There are some aspects of the actual breakup that fit the mlc profile but the marriage was already dead. The pedophile, the slimebag defense attorney funded by his affluent parents, our church that abandoned us, and the bookeeper we trusted who literally embezzled every dime we owned while we were distracted killed it. X mentioned three of those four today.
It was that "perfect storm" as the counselor described it a couple of years ago.
If there was an mlc it was only the spark to a fuse that had long been set.
I'm glad he will be stuck there. I'm sorry it was such an ordeal.
I overheard my kids talking this weekend....
One asked the other:
"If it was the end of the world and you had to decide to be with mom or dad who would you choose?"
"Dad. He'd take care of us." The second answered
"Me too." The first responded
This made me very pleased at first as I have sought to be the parent I once wasn't for my kids but at the same timeI felt sadness as they shouldn't have to choose which parent they would prefer to be with at "the end of the world."
During bedtime prayers tonight I had an insight. DD prays every night vrt emphatically to not have any "bad dreams." Following the parole hearing and review of the effects of it all I now know to what dreams she is specifically refering.
Sleeper,
It has been a long time. How are you doing?
Just today I dropped in for the first time in a long while, saw your posted question.
Short answer: I don't know.
Long answer: The whole parole hearing thing (fact it came up outta the blue, got postponed, weren't adequately informed by authorities, etc.) had a much bigger effect on me (and X) than I first realized or expected.
I asked X since my last post if it had affected her and she indicated it did. We experienced much of the same stuff (disrupted sleep, buried memories brought to the surface, etc).
I've done some self-evaluating lately. In short, I know who I am but I'm no longer sure what I believe, about much of anything.
I still miss my family at times
Don't see myself in a new one
Hang in there, Sleeper, it is hard time of year. I am so sorry about all the pain your family has had.
Sending good energy your way
Thanks Forward. We shouldn't have to deal with that again for 10 years.
You gotta make the most of what life throws at you. My son had surgery recently and wasn't looking forward to being on crutches during a break from school. The other day we were out shopping and he fell behind. I looked back and said, "Come on, Tiny Tim." It's become a running joke between us and now he always responds, "God bless us, every one." You should see the doubletakes and smiles we get from folks. If for no other reason than that, this may be the most memorable Christmas ever.
...as he closed his hundred post thread and disappeared from cyber-sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Do stop in sometimes, Sleeper, and let us know how you are doing. Some of us have been on this ride a long time together and want to know how things are for our cyber friends.