My sitch

Married for 30 years, 2 wonderful grown children unfortunately 16 years ago I betrayed my wife. We worked thru it and have had an incredibly happy and sucessful life. 4 weeks ago out of the blue, my wife said whe was going to file for divorce because of this past mistake. We had been incredibly happy together and this has devatated me. It happened so unexpectadly and suddenly and it has taken everyone by suprise. I and the kids are heartbroken. We were the perfect couple to all who knew us and I love her so deeply.

She has not yet informed her family of this which I think is a good thing. She is cold and distant when we do speak. We went to 2 counselling sessions and she said she will not go anymore. Last week was it she said. She was not participating she just kept saying she is done and she no longer wants to be married.

We have now been living apart for the last month and I am expecting to receive D papers any day. I do not know if she has someone else...she has gotten in great shape and been hitting the tanning booths....and looks great. I want to believe there isnt anyone..perhaps there was and it is now over...or if it is a mid-life crisis.

I groveled at first but have read DR and am trying to get a life and do a no contact (except when asked a question) 180.

Is there any hope or advice?



Me 53, W 50
Married 30 years
Kids 21,25 (one married) both out of home
Living apart now
W now Refuses counseling
Informed me March 8th of this
I am new to posting so bear with me
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.( I undertand you already probably did this if so disregard)

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.

The link for the resources:

Stages of the LBS

Doormat tactics

Standing vs leaving

Why they run:


Pursuit and Distance

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to
start to work on yourself.
Smitty did anything... happen 4 weeks ago? Anything that was significant to your wife?

Welcome to the MLC board.

Some questions for you. When did your youngest leave your home? Is your W going through menopause? Did you feel as though your W truly forgave you for your betrayal?

After you answer Jack's question, I like to ask if there was a significant happening in your lives or your W's life in the last 12 to 18 months?

Can you tell us what your W's childhood was like?

Sorry for all the questions and we're not trying to be nosy here, but the more we know about your sitch the more advice we can offer.

How are you doing with all of this? What are you doing for yourself?
There was no incident....we had been very happy and committed. I did begin however to notice a change and right at the end of February she became cool and I became a little uneasy. In talking to her friend...she also stopped contact with her....This is what is so frustrating. We never argued or were cold we enjoyed each others company and then Wham
1. Youngest left about a year ago

2 Yes I had believed that the past was buried and behind us.

3. w's Childhood was good. Her parents have been married 50 years....

4. My wife began working out about a year ago. I had a big Holiday party with a bunch of big wigs and she wanted to look nice for me at that. For the last 3 years my job keeps me away during the week but we get together on the weekends. She used to spend more time with me here but that was not fair to her.....but no there really has not been anything other than Daughter getting married 18 months ago and son moving out 1 year ago.

I have read DR and am have had 2 phone consultations so far.

as for GAL: I have hit the gym...lost 30 lbs...getting in great shape my self. Plan on picking Scuba diving bak up and going to church again

I am however feeling devastated and coping 1 day at a time. I love her and miss her terribly.

Hope this helps...thank you for listening
I forgot to mention that She is going/gone thru menopausre. She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy. It made a difference for her physically in her hot flashes got better and she felt like being intimate more easily.

I an my daughter wonder if there is not something wrong hormonally...she says she is fine but no one recognizes her

Thanks again
Hey Smitty,

You are here with plenty of others in the same predicament. It's a horrible place to be, but better for you that you have found this place and these people.

First, you never have to lose hope. The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. Regardless of your wife's actions, papers served, whatever, you have control of yourself.

Second, take care of yourself. Don't throw yourself body and soul into this and forget you have to take care of YOU.

There's almost always someone here on the board to listen to you when you feel like talking, or screaming, or ranting.

Take care.
Smitty, I am sorry you are here. I've been going through this hell since October.

[quote]She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy.[quote]

Actually, I would have to wonder about this. My W started doing the same thing at the end of June. By July, she was a different person. Just a heads up.

Smitty, I am sorry you are here. I've been going through this hell since October.

She is using this natural therapy that she rubs on her wrist to help balance her hormones. She gets it from this Natural Pharmacy.

Actually, I would have to wonder about this. My W started doing the same thing at the end of June. By July, she was a different person. Just a heads up.

I am really sorry about your situation. I have had similar situations - where you think you have been working through past mistakes and it bottoms out. I'm glad you have been reading the books. Try to stay focused on the moment - especially now at the beginning.
Thanks all for your support. Doing the best to take care of self. Working out myself seems to help and this weekend I am seeking out the local Scuba shops to get back into Diving again. Also, over the Easter Weekend the kids and I are Camping for 3 days and The following weekend off daughter/Son-in-law and I are off to watch nascar race and spend the weekend with Family Friends

Tad, I was interested in your comment...My wife has been doing the hormine stuff for a year...will be curious to know more about the changes you noticed
Another question

She has not told her Family yet and only our closest friends know. In some ways I think it is good she hasnt spread the word...on the other hand she is not getting any pressure from her family to really consider what she is doing. Should I suggest she tell them or leave it alone?

Thank you again

This is interesting that your W was doing the same stuff. It has always felt like it was not quite what it should be and that there should be more close monitoring of the treatment and results.

Sorry you are in the same woodchipper....I will keep posting and hope for the best for you.


Began reading some of the links and fully intend to plow thru more this weekend when I have time. I will report back with questions but really appreciate the links as just beginning to read them is eye opening. Thank you...more to come
Hey Smitty.

She would just put a glob on her arm or wrist and rub it in every night before she went to bed. I too thought that it would be more closely monitored because you can't get a measured dose or the exact does squeezing it out of a tube.

She started it in June and hasn't been back to the doctor to get her levels checked since.

Bascially what I noticed was that she became more irritated, she started lying, she seemed distant......although it could be the hormones, it could be just MLC.

My boys said that it seemed like she became a different person.

She started it in June and by October, she said she wanted to leave.

It sounds like they are (or were) probably using a progesterone cream (available without a prescription). I don't know if that has any more to do with it than memopause itself. It can be a really tough time for some women (perhaps all of us and I'm just in denial wink ).

Just to offer you a different POV, as men age they are said to become more distinguished. As women age, we get old. I can see where, if you believe this, it definatley wouldn't help ones attitude if they were to go into MLC.

Yes, Grace. It was progesterone and as far as I know she is still using it. She got it at a "health" store.

I just commented because I thought it was odd that my W and Smitty's W are both on it. I swear there was a difference in her once she started using it. Of course, when I mentioned it to her, she went nuts and told me that I didn't know what I was talking about....
I know there have been reported side effects to progesterone.

I know the mood swings that can happen with menopause.

Then there is the insanity of MLC.

The combo is not something I would want.

The comment that you didn't know what you were talking about, sounds like someone who's afraid. I could just be projecting though.

I'm not saying there wasn't a difference after she started using the cream. Just saying there are lots of variables.
I agree Grace. It could be any number of things. Her hormones ARE out of whack otherwise the doctor would have never suggested the cream. It may not be the cream, but that is when I noticed the difference in her personality.
The cream that she was using was actually from a natural pharmacist made from Yams and other Natural products. Who knows maybe they put progesterone in there Öit was orange and she uses a blob on her wristsw everyday. It helped with her hot flashes and she changed physically and she also changed in her personality. The kids say they donít know her.

I do have a couple of questions:

1. She has not told her Family or any but our closest friends. I see this as good as it does not cause her to be more resilient and determined in her quest to dissolve our marriage. I also see this as bad because she is not getting the pressure or isolation that will undoubtedly come as a result of her unilateral decision. Should I keep silent and appear as if all is normal (we do not live close to family) or ask that she share the news so she can begin to get some POV from others who I know will tell her she has lost it.?

2. I have gone dark and have not had any contact in the last 4 days. How should I handle when she does contact me about a matter related to, for example, taxes or bills which do have relevance. Should I continue to remain silent or respond?

I also fear that this one friend she has been hanging out with is feeding her a line. Her friend divorced her alcoholic husband a number of years ago and is very opinionated. I know I cannot do anything about this so I wonder why I even mention it.

I have been a very good husband and partner and we were very happy. I have provided a very nice lifestyle for her and worked my tail off to give her her freedom and independence. I had hoped that the day would come soon when I could spend the quality time with her day in and day out. So tough to come to grips that this, at least for now, is disintegrated.

I will not fall into despair and I will not give up on my Marriage.

Thanks all for your support
Smitty, if she contacts you, be nice, polite and civil. If it is about taxes or something like that, treat it as a business deal. That's what I do anyways...

Thanks...sound advice...any thought about whether to inform Family or let it ride?
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