hell at the doorstep again 2 - DivorceBusting.com

There you go Jack! Will post later!

Y

fig! I love what you posted. I am still sorting through things but you are right about choices. I have to give it some time but I won't get emotionally beat up like last time. I have what I learned on DB and what I will and will not tolerate.

There are times when I ask myself why the he11 am I doing this again. Because I love my H. I will wait and see what happens, it's all in God hands. Meanwhile, I will go about my business of living!

Y

Yellowrose et al.....

Let me please clarify something to all of you because it seems that there is some misunderstanding about my opinion on YR's marriage. I would never suggest to anyone that they not try and save a marriage, I am pro marriage 110%. I did not imply nor state that she should not do what she feels in her heart. I get that.

BUT.... we know there is always a big but with me

Battling through a MLC is a very tough situation. It takes courage and strength beyond what is normal and tolerated in society today. Remember we are living in a time of disposable marriages, as sad as it is to say, it is the truth.

We come here and we try to find support as we wage this incredibly hard battle. We cry, we get angry, we get depressed, we give up (sometimes many times), we gain courage, we learn about ourselves, we see the symphonic humor in the bizzarre, we doubt ourselves, we hurt so badly we just want the pain to stop, and we heal.

Yellow has been through all of these emotions and probably many that I have failed to mention. This place also is designed for just that, helping people through these tough times. I however am a realist and understand that what people who post on here are going to tell yellow is based on someone taking on this journey for the first time. It is simply not the same the second time around. We are armed with knowledge. Knowledge can be dangerous if not properly maintained and understood.

Here are some realities about what we do when we deal with MLC the first time:

[list]
[*]we set boundaries that are tough, but still allow us to view our marriages coming back together.

[*]we allow ourselves to be treated in a manner which later we view as insane and in a way we lose a little bit of our pride because we allowed that to happen.

[*]Those who survive the MLC still struggle sometimes with the same trust issues that those of us who do not succeed struggle with.

[*]We take an inflated amount of the blame for the failure of our marriage and become the kings and queens of hindsight.

I will stop there because my point can be made without having to write a dissertation on what we go through. When you climb the mountain and you reach the pinnacle you do not necessarily want to go through what you had to go through the same way again. You are now armed with experience and knowledge that will help you make your climb more efficiently.

Yellowrose, you know when to say when. You know what you fealt after it came back together and what you didnt. You also know which parts of the climb you want to forgoe. I want to make it very clear to you that my point to you in all of what I have posted is simply this; Once you have done this one time and faught that battle, you do not have to fight it again questioning if you failed or gave up! You also have to be smart enough to know that what hurt you (and by hurt you I mean caused permanent scars or damage) the first time and avoid those sacrifices that caused you regret later on. You know what those were.

People all over the world use the expression " would I do it all again, you bet, I may just do some things a little differently". YR, think about what you would do differently and stand firm on those ideals. For what its worth, my big thing with you is simply not wanting you to feel the same hurts and pains that you could have avoided the first time. While I know you are stronger now and doing good, you and I both know that there are those inner thoughts that we have that we simply swallow and try not to let anyone else see, they suck.

Sorry if I was long winded here YR, I do not really post anymore, I just saw your sitch, and know its different and needs different than what you sometimes get here.

Take care of you,

Ian

Ian

I love reading your posts!! I never even thought that you suggested that about my M. You are right this journey isn't the same the second time around. I was a complete mess the first time and learned alot. I went to C to help me to work through all of my emotions and yes, even anger.

My life is different now. I know how much I can handle and what I will and will not put up with.

My H is still coming home every night, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't change in a heartbeat. He eats dinner with me watches TV and sleeps on the couch. He has to figure this out on his own and does know that I will be here but won't live like this forever. I have told him this. I deserve to be happy and to have someone that loves me unconditionally.

I am watching and listening and preparing myself for whatever comes down the pike.

Y

YR,

As a relative noob, far be it for me to make some sort of commentary on DB the second go 'round ...

I do have some thoughts I'd like to share though ...

In the beginning, the hardest thing to wrap our heads around is proper and personal boundaries. We are terrified. We make empty threats and ultimatums. We let them treat us poorly. We set boundaries to try to manipulate or coerce some sort of behaviour from our MLCers. But, with time, if we do the work, we learn what healthy boundaries look like. We learn that they are for US and about US. They are not to punish or manipulate. If we do the work, we save ourselves. And then, if we're really patient, the stars align and the timelines coincide ... we might even reconcile with our spouses.

For whatever reason ... unfinished MLC, forgotten DB and a return to old ways and habits on either Ss part ... sometimes we face this war for the second time. This time you don't enter the field unarmed and green though. You are no longer that freckle faced, right out high-school, yearning to prove something cadet. You are wise and you've won your share of battles. IMO, if you've done the work, you take no prisoners. You are loving and detached and compassionate. But especially compassionate to yourself. You don't need to be initiated.

I believe in DB, as a lifestyle not a tactic. I believe in marriage even though mine has not been restored and I no longer stand. I believe in unconditional love but not unconditional marriage, and I believe in honouring oneself and one's worth.

I haven't been there, but what I hear Ian saying makes perfect sense to me. I won't go into details about my sitch, but I do consider myself a personal success story. I am ever learning and growing, and I take responsibility for my life.

Good luck to you YR, you've been an inspiration to many...
Peace
PEI

Been or are?

Jeez PEI she ain't dead yet.

Oh bite me Jack

... you are calling me on semantics??? Hey, at least I spelled it correctly and didn't leave out any words

yellowrose ... for the record ... you have been, and continue to be, an inspiration to many

Pei

Thank you for the wonderful post.
That is why I love coming here, everyone helps so much. I cherish each and everyone of you. I have been where you all are and feel your pain. It does get better.......unless you go through it the second time!!! LOL Just kidding on that one!!!!

Y

jack and pei!!! lol

Y

Originally Posted By: yellowrose

Pei

Thank you for the wonderful post.
That is why I love coming here, everyone helps so much. I cherish each and everyone of you. I have been where you all are and feel your pain. It does get better.......unless you go through it the second time!!! LOL Just kidding on that one!!!!

Y

If you feel like some light reading sometime then have a glance at my threads ... I'm in a fantastic place, I feel great and live my life with gratitude everyday. I am very blessed

Grab a coffee with a few expresso shots and a thesaurus if you do YR.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Grab a coffee with a few expresso shots and a thesaurus if you do YR.

Or just a standard education outside of teh state of Alaska...bahahahaha

My learnin came from teh public schools of NJ. : )

You all have a good night.

Good to see you around Ian. Really good.

what was that I said about being blessed? oh right ... and I have Jack to make sure I'm keepin' it real ...

Originally Posted By: sofaraway

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Grab a coffee with a few expresso shots and a thesaurus if you do YR.

Or just a standard education outside of teh state of Alaska...bahahahaha

<high fives Ian> lmao ...

Pei

will do!
Y

You all are nuts!!!

Y

Mixed and honey roasted

You got that right!!!!!

YR:

I never thought this would happen to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

So, things are not good at the moment. I am holding it together but am very tired.
Sunday, my son and his family were over for the superbowl. My H was sarcastic pretty much the whole day. The tension was so great in the house I thought it was going to explode.

After the kids left, I pretty much told him what I thought about the day and he said he is still looking for a place. I told him that if he moves out this time, I am done. I am not going through this again. My nerves can't take it. I am stronger but my patience has run out.

I haven't seen or heard from H since Sunday when I went to bed. The house is calmer and I can at least breath for now.

I made an appointment for the attorney on Friday......

Y

Sorry YR. Big (((((hugs))))) to you. Only you can decide when you have had enough. It's bad enough you had to deal with this once before, but a second time is just down right terrible. You deserve to be happy and leave in peace. Remember you have a family here that you can lean on.

I am sorry Yellow. I am very sorry.

Talk to your lawyer, protect your finances and future.

Have you point blank asked him what changed?

Jack

My H pretty much has shut me out. Won't talk and now, he has left again. My son just called and apparently my H told him that I said he was a worthless piece of s111 and to get out. I never said that to my H at all and that upsets me that he would even suggest it.

I did ask him when this started how he could kiss me goodbye, tell me that he loved me and would be back shortly and then come home and say he wanted a D. He said that he didn't know and that he didn't think he loved me anymore. This makes no sense at all but it probably does to him. I really think it is depression and he won't get help, even though he said he was thinking about it.

That is the reason I am going to the L, to make sure I don't get into a bad situation.

Y

Miss H

Thanks for the hugs, I really need them right now. I haven't call or made contact with H since he left. I wanted to give him space. The thing is he left all his clothes here toothbrush,razor, etc. He went to work in his prison uniform and that is it. I don't know maybe he bought some new clothes.

Y

Quote:

H told him that I said he was a worthless piece of s111 and to get out.

If there was nothing in your tone, way, or words...then I'd hazard to guess he is projecting how he feels about himself.

Cindy .....I am so sorry this is happening to you again.....uplifting you in prayer.....my heart is broken reading what is going on in your life again.....
Please take care of yourself......
Irma
Not much going on in my marriage headed for Div court Apr.18 I am not looking foward to that....now my oldest daughter is in MLC she has also left her husband of 24yrs....he of course is beside himself.....glad I found this place so I can help him.... at least to cope.....and all the knowledge I have learned in here will be so very helpful to share with him.....

Jack

The thing was I didn't say that about H. Maybe he feels that way about himself, like you said.

Anyway, we have decided to divorce. I think it will be better in the long run. He has found himslef an apartment near work and I can't do this again. It's too bad because I do love him and 29 years of M is a long time.

I fought hard and long but now I need some peace in my life.

Love and prayers to you all!

Y

Irma

I am so sorry. You fought so long! I am sorry to hear about your D too. This is a very hard journey for anyone to indure and our SIL is lucky to have you to help him make it!

Y

Yellowrose,

I am so sorry.

I hope you find peace.

(((hugs)))

Cat

cat

Right at this moment, the stress has lifted. I hope sleep comes easy tonight.

Thanks for caring.

Y

Yellowrose,

I am sorry you are going through this again. Hugs my dear.....
Only you know what the right thing for you to do is. I will be praying for you and your H. I do believe sometimes in life that love is not enough. You deserve peace and contentment....

YR,

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this again. However, I am very proud of you. I love how you are handling this. You are choosing YOU now. You are right, you deserve to live in peace.

I am not an advocate for divorce, but sometimes I think it is necessary. I can tell you as a divorce woman of 2 years, I am more at peace than I was the few years leading up to it. I can also tell you that it's not so scary on the other side. In fact, it's quite liberating. Your free to focus on yourself. I think the term DIVORCE is more scary than anything else.

You will be fine. You know you have done the best you can. Please don't ever beat yourself up for not wanting to stand for your marriage anymore. Most people wouldn't stand the first time around, never mind a second round of this bs.

You are a phenomenal woman! You have the support of everyone here and the support of your family. Your husband is a big boy, and he can learn to take care of himself. You just focus on you!

I love ya YR!

Quote:

Anyway, we have decided to divorce. I think it will be better in the long run. He has found himslef an apartment near work and I can't do this again. It's too bad because I do love him and 29 years of M is a long time.

YR,

I'm very sorry things are turning out this way; know that you have done all you can; but you can't do this alone...it truly takes two; may you find peace within all of the turmoil.

It may be after the divorce before he truly finds himself; and sees all that he lost by not having faced himself when he was within the tunnel years ago.

But, like you know, it's not YOU, it's HIM...and he is the only one who can figure this out....sometimes it takes losing everything to find that what was the best thing that ever happened to you was in front of you all along.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love to you,
HB

Dear YR, I am so very sorry that the ugly MLC monster has emerged again. I agree with everyone here - my divorce want through a few weeks ago, after more than 5 years post bomb, and 2 years of the divorce being on and off. I was dreading it, with every fibre of my being, but MissH is right, there is a peace this side, and I am not saying it to make you feel good. The process is horrible, reducing years of happy marriage to a division of assets, and it seems such a terrible waste, as they aren't happier after all of this destruction.

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you - and I do recommend 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' Together with these boards, that book was one of the most helpful things I have encountered. It really helps YOU move to a better place emotionally. The person who wrote it has been there, and dealt with it herself.

YR,
I'm very sorry to come here this evening and read what has transpired over the last few days. You have done everything humanly possible to make this work and you can't do it alone. You've given it the best shot that you can and I'm sure you will continue to be the person that you've always been, i.e., that wonderful person that we all have come to know and love.

As for what your h told your son, he's projecting. He's right back in the game of mlc and wanting to make you look like the bad guy. Step back, don't buy into his babble.

See a lawyer, ask questions and do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your assets. When the dust settles, you will find that some of the heavy burden will have lifted.

You are going to be okay...

[quote=yellowrose]Right at this moment, the stress has lifted. [/quote}

You are finding peace because you took charge and made a solid decision. Stress comes with doubt, contention comes with confidence, very proud of you.

See your lawyer and protect yourself, absolutely. Divorce, does not mean anything more than not accepting a marriage in the manner in which it is being lived. It has nothing to do with your feelings and emotions. MEANING.... The decisions that are hardest for us can sometimes be those that we make based on our brains rather than our blood pumping organ.

Boundaries are about what our emotional stability needs. If we take too much emotional stress on ourselves we crack. We make bad decisions and we do things that are otherwise arbitrary to our normal thoughts. Part of the ongoing battle is to keep yourself balanced and understand that your decisions have to be based on whats best for YOU, not the "us" that you are used to thinking for.

I do not have a lot of time today (lots of homework), but I will leave you with this. You made a comment about 29 years coming to this, well in the words of the immortal Lissie Bean, Shut It

29 years have given you a ton and you know it. Endings, even shittty ones, do not forgoe our memories and experiences that we have had. Your 29 years is not for nothing because he is failing your marriage, I believe your kids would probably second that....

Take care of yourself Yellow....

Ian

Thank you all for all your comments. I have given it my all and it will take some time for me to pay for a D but I think it is the best thing. This coming and going with my H was really starting to take a toll on my health and I have to be here for my D.

I am really calm with is scary to me. I am not sitting here crying and depressed. I am actually relaxed. I slept good last night and even took time to catch a snooze this afternoon.

I did talk to my H last night and he had told me he had gotten an effiency apt, its unfurnished. He will be coming with my son maybe Friday to pick up his things. He was nervous to come alone. I guess he is scared, but I told him I am fine.

I am keeping myself really busy, it's lonely but at least I have my D. My S and his family call me every day to make sure I am okay and stopped over tonight. That helped. I know I will have some rough times in the future but in my heart I know I will be fine. God is watching over me!

Y

Hi Yellow,

Just checking to see how you are doing today.

I am so proud of you. I love the way you have chosen YOU!

Yellowrose, I have been following you for a long time. I don't post very much on your threads, but I do read them. You did EVERYTHING you could, and then some! You have nothing to be ashamed of and you should have no regrets. When you do all you can do, there is no more. Many people don't understand that and let other just keep crapping on them and they hang around and lose all their dignity by being a doormat. You have done the right thing! You can't make someone love you or want to be with you. You stood once, it wasn't good enough for him, so let him hit the road. You deserve better and its out there for you!!!!!

YR, Your H does not have a sense of what an amazing person you have been to stand through all of this. Really I think that those of us who stand are exceptional for trying to understand, trying to work through it, making changes in ourselves, and working hard.

You certainly do deserve better.

YeLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO!
I lost your phone number when TJ was trying to download music onto my phone. Pretty good reason to lose everyone's number right?
You have always been there for me.
I want to be there for you....
I would call but.

Did I ever tell you I think your are the Bees Knees?
Afterall, they are yellow

HOOOLLLY!!!

I am glad things are doing well for you! I am doing pretty darn good myself!!

Yes things are a mess with H but I kind of just let him go and figure this out. Can't help him anymore.

My S and his GF are going to the JP tomorrow to finally tie the knot. I look at them and see how much in love they are. It's so exciting to see it.

My soon-to-be DIL took me for my first french tip manicure today. We had so much fun!! She is a sweetheart and I am so glad she is coming into the family.

As for my H, well he came Friday to pick up his clothes. The night before my side by side went out, so my son and his GF came over to go and help be get another one. My H went with us. Kind of weird. I asked him when he was going to come over to see D and he said if things stay civil he will be over all the time.

He came over Saturday and Sunday and spent it with D. My S and family were he too. He was being very nice. Everyone said he was acting like nothing had happened or changed.

I am not going to try to figure him out anymore. He asked if I was still going to see the L on Tuesday. I asked him why? He said that maybe we should give it some time. I told him I was still going.

I do love him but I don't think things will ever be the same again. I am taking it one day at a time. Only God knows what the future holds for me.

Y

YR - you sound like you are getting to that wonderful point of calm and balance, when we rest and wait. We don't always manage to stay there, but know that place exists!!

Since there is currently a party thread do we remind the others that Holly POLE DANCES for selected friends

Or do we draw a discreet veil over that part of her life?

Can'r resist pointing out the classic MLC passive aggressive nature of your h's remark. 'If things stay civil' like it is YOUR responsbility to make sure they do!! They are such stupid jerks at this time aren't they? If they weren't capable of doing such wholesale damage, it would be funny it is so childish.

Hugs and have a good week. Enjoy the ceremony and the manicure. Maybe we need to have a serious debate about manicures and the pro and cons of different types . . . . . I don't want false nails, but I am thinking about the acrylic coating you can have for vacations etc. Serious matters girls. Like shoes for instance.

beatrice

I am in a good place. I love myself!!!!

LOL,Holly and her pole dances!

I know when my H made the civil remark I had to giggle. I just let it pass right over me. He did seem better this weekend but I pretty much left and did my own thing or kepp busy with the grandkids. He was calling my son to see if he was coming over and to let him know he was coming over. I told my son to let my H know that he needs to call me and notmy sonto make sure that I dont have any other plans.

I never had acrylic nails or fake nails in my life. Never wanted them but it was nice to do something for myself!

I will have a good week. I am resting well and keeping pretty busy!!

Y

You sound in a good place. Truly there is life beyond divorce, although it may not come to that. I am not at all pro divorce but it does take two to be married!

The acrylic nail is just a coating - a super strong nail polish that lasts for about a month, and you get a bottle of matching 'normal' polish to touch up the regrowth at the bottom of the nail - the top doesn't chip at all. I haven't tried it, but a good friend had it done for her holidays, and her toes, and it looked fantastic!! I have never wanted false nails either, but a perfect long lasting manicure is another matter!

Keep doing nice things for yourself, you know it works.

beatrice

I am in a good place. I am not afraid of being alone and know that I can pretty much handle anything that comes up. If I dont know I have people that do.

I am not asking H to do anything. I still dont call him because I know that doesnt help at all since the last time. I just go about my business. Its funny, I dont even worry about what he is doing.

I know never say never about my H. If he does want to come home one day the ball will be in my court and things will have to change. I am tired of being hurt and I dont deserve this.

I will keep doing things for me, I am important!!!! LOL

Y

YR,
Yes! You are very important! You are the prize! Please take care of yourself!

Thanks Snodderly!

Y

So today I went for my appointment with the L. He told me to let H file if that is what he wants. He said that he doesnt think my H wants a D but needs mental health care. I had to laugh at that!

He said that as long as my H keeps his deposit going to the bank and that we are okay, I can just hang back for a while until I am really ready to move forward. He said that this family is still H's responsiblity and if that stops for any reason to get back there immediately.

If you all remember my H never cut us off financially. He kept his retirement pay going to my account so I had enough to pay all the bills. He just kept his paycheck. This time I was a little smarter and put a little money aside, just in case.

So I guess I will wait for a little time and see what happens. I am comfortable and okay with that for now.

Y

Originally Posted By: beatrice

Can'r resist pointing out the classic MLC passive aggressive nature of your h's remark. 'If things stay civil' like it is YOUR responsbility to make sure they do!!

My W said basically the same thing over Christmas. I thanked her for coming over and cooking us a nice dinner. She said "Well we could do this more often if things stay civil.

Typical MLC right?

Right Tad!

I have learn to just let the comments go. I guess since I have been at this a long time. I have learned a great deal from this site. Hang in there!

Y

Just a suggestion. Instead of acrylic nails, try a technique called shellac. It's YOUR nails, nothing glued on, but they are tough and less likely to break. I got my daughter to try it and she loved it. I've just been using the typical French Manicure, but recently went for the Hooker Red.

I think that is what I mean, and it is called acrylic coating around here. They kind of bake it under a gentle heat lamp - but defintely not fake nails. Hooker red sounds great.. . .

Do you think we could get a group discount??

punkin, beatrice

Hooker red sounds great! This was my first time getting a french manicure. Maybe I'll try something different next time!
I'll call ahead for the group discount!!

Y

YR,

You're doing fine; stay strong; it'll be all right.

Quote:

I have learn to just let the comments go. I guess since I have been at this a long time. I have learned a great deal from this site. Hang in there!

You learn to let the comments go because not everything is worth answering; and MOST OF THE TIME, the BEST answer is total silence.

When silent, you're not revealing what's on your mind; and that, in itself can get to them; as well as shut them up; because you are not taking the bait that's offered.

Conversely, IF you answered everything they said; they would always know where you stood..and the disrespectful comments would get worse.

You got it down, YR; stay the course.

Just popped in to check on you.

HB

Thanks for checking in on me!!

Things are pretty much the same. Letting him deal with his own problems, keeping busy with my life.

Trying to figure an outing with D for tomorrow. Can't come up with anything yet but we will go and do something that is for sure!

Y

Hey YR,

Quote:

Things are pretty much the same. Letting him deal with his own problems, keeping busy with my life.

I'm praying he will get his head out of his rump, face whatever he's got left to face; and return to you whole and healed.

All things are possible as long as you believe.

I know that God has it in His hands to work with...and you know there's nothing left to do but get on with your life.

Don't have any additional words of wisdom to offer; you know the drill. Let go, let God; and it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God; and it looks like your husband has done just that.

He has His ways of dealing with MLC'ers; this I do know.

You're being taken care of; God is with you in this.

Have fun with your daughter on your outing tomorrow.

Take care, Sweetie; you are in my thoughts and prayers.

HB

I pray that my H will get that head out the rump too!
I do believe and I know God is watching over the family and working on H.

I still havent decided where to go tomorrow, maybe we will just get in the car and drive then pick up something to eat!!!

Y

YR,
Sometimes it's better to not have any plans. Spur of the moment activities can be fun. Both you and your d should get in the car and just drive until you see something you like.

Enjoy your day tomorrow!

Thanks Snodderly!!! That is exactly what we are going to do!!!

Y

Hi yellow!

How r u?

Hi Ever!

Doing just fine, thanks for asking. My S and family were over all weekend and we had alot of fun with the grandkids. H came over today to spend time with D. I was in the backyard or in the kitchen most of the day while he was out in the front yard with D, entertaining her.

It was okay with him being here, not much talking because I wanted him to spend time with D so I pretty much stayed out of the picture.

I had to laugh at him today though, because he was checking on plants and even brought some out of the garage that were in there because of the cold weather. He also asked if I needed anything done. I didn't.

Anyway, I guess a D is going to happen, I don't know when but I think it is the best thing for both of us right now. I am okay with it, it's just unfortunate it had to come to this when we had made so much progress. I just can't go through this again.

God only knows what the future holds for me.

Y

Hi Yellow,
(((HUGS)))!

Glad that today was ok for you.

Ever

YR I am so sorry to hear of the turn of events with your marriage. You were and still are a success story. You gave so much hope and advice to others that you have no idea how much that helped us here.

My h did return and has been home almost a full year already. Boy does time fly. I do understand about not going through this again. I would feel the same way. It is extremely hard to go through this and then have them back and then to have the hurts open up all over again. Not fair and Not right!

It's unfortunate that some seem to never get it and are seeking that happiness elsewhere. They need to find that within themselves and realize what they were searching for was right in front of them all along, but maybe the only way they can find that is to experience it hence the divorce.

I hope you can find some peace with your situation and that you are stronger this time around. I know that if it happened to me again I would be able to handle anything now with class, grace, and strength. It's amazing what we really learn on this journey of life. Hugs! God Bless!

glam!!

Yes it is a sad turn of events in my case. He was home 4 years. Things were really good. I guess he will be spending the rest of his life searching for happiness.

I am doing really well. Not like last time, a big basket case! One of my friends did sense some anger, oh heck yeah. I have anger having to go through this again but I know how to handle it. She said that it is pretty normal.

I know this isn't my fault. I know I am going to be fine. I am stronger. I learned alot from last time. I hate to see my M end but I don't want to have to worry that H has his body halfway out the door. Thanks for checking in on me!!

Y

YR,

I am so sorry to hear about your turn of events!! I was really shocked, you have helped so many people & been there for so many people, including me! I always treasured your post to me! They were always so helpful!!!

My prayers are with you!!!

(((HUGS)))

HN

Thank you for the prayers. God is leading me down a different road it seems. I am okay with that. D doesn't scare me like it did before. I will be okay. I will survive!!!! Hey, isn't that a song???? LOL

I am glad you are finding happiness again, you really deserve it!

YR

So today I went and filed for D. My H was here on Saturday for a couple of hours and things got a little heated. I just don't feel anything but relief. How sad it that when I loved him so much and fought for him for so long.

Y

(((YR)))

YR,
I'm so sorry that the weekened turned out the way it did. You've done all you can do and now you must look out for yourself. I wish we all lived close enough to wrap you a nice, warm hug blanket.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks Snodderly!

I found out last week they might close my D's program and my pay might stop because of the budget cuts. That means my D would be at home 24/7. That is not a good thing for her or me for that matter.

My H had the nerve to tell me to go get a job then. I said that I have worked all of our M life and had to quit my job when he had his last episode to make sure that D was taken care of.

I would get a job but who would take care of my D??? What an azzz!

He did go a nd see a L on Friday and started this, "my L said this and that." He hasn't retained an attorney yet and I don't want to listen to his garbage.

My L is going to make sure that me and D will be taken care of. My H wanted the title of one of our vehicles and I tild him "no" and that ticked him off. I am not going to let him run all over me.

I a tired of holding my tongue and I tell him exactly what I think. Enough is enough!

My main priority is my D. I will take care of myself. I think it is about time I do!!

Y

YR I am so very sorry that this is happening to you. Truly after all the mouth zipping there is a time to talk and a time to be silent, and this is when you actually need to say these things, for yourself as well as your h. Some of it does go in.

I no longer have any contact with my xh, but when we have spoken in the past I am surprised how much he took on board. They may, and usually do 'react' to us at the time, but they do go away and process it.

I very much hope the situation with your daughter is resolved. And yes, you definitely need a hug! ((((( :))))))

YR,
I found while going through the crisis, that at first, I zipped my mouth and tried to keep the peace in all areas. However, as time moved along, I came to realize that if I didn't step up to the plate and tell my xh what was on my mind, he would have walked all over me and taken everything that we had and would have left me on the street corner, in a tent, w/a tin cup. They are truly selfish individuals during this time.

YR, you've been steady as a rock and have done all that you can do to work things through w/your h. It is now time to focus on you and your daughter and what you need to do to ensure that you both are okay, not just now, but in the future.

Your h is going to learn that it's not as easy as it was the first time around to walk away and that you are one smart lady who has learned a lot and will put that knowledge to work for you and your daughter. In time, he will need to face the consequences of his actions and I'm afraid it's going to be sooner than later. Buckle up and be ready for some rough riding in the MLC car.

Hang in there!

YR,

Sorry to hear about the budget cuts. Same here and we spend more time now advocating for the clients than actually caring for them.

Just like with your sitch, things will all work out the way it is suppossed to.

I too, eventually had to stop biting my tongue. It is a necessary part of the process and I am sure you are handling it in the best way that you can.

((((hugs)))

beatrice

You know I am okay with everything right now. I have to speak up because I have to protect me and my D!

I too hope the sitch with my D's program gets solved. I have written letters to the Senators, Congressmen, State reps and the Govenor. If the things get cut that they want to be cut it would be a ripple effect. It would cost the state more money because alot of the parents can't handle their children and would put them in group homes or nursing homes. This is ridiculous in my mind!

Y

snodderly

My H doesn't even know I have filed yet. He should be served later this week or the beginning of next week. I wished I was a fly on the wall because they said they will even go to the prison where he works to serve him.

I know I have done everything possible and I don't feel guilty about anything. My H is a lost soul.

I have grown alot through this whole thing. I am not a pushover by any means and my H knows this. He will suffer the consequences for his actions. I am buckled up and ready for anything that heads my way!!

Y

cat

I makes me so mad that they would even think to cut these programs. I would pay higher taxes in a heart beat if they would leave it alone.

It will work out, I know. I am so sick of the government right now!!
y

YR,

So good that you are ready to stick up for yourself. Zipping your lip with these people gets tired after awhile because they are so busy looking at their own belly buttons that they forget they were part of a family. Take care of the needs of your daughter and yourself. When he wakes up, he will have to figure it out for himself.

Hugs to you YELLOW. Sorry about the programs. things are changing allll over the country.

EVER

Thanks Ever

Thinks will be fine and I pray the programs stays!!!

Y

YR,

You and I both know, the programs, are always the first place they look to make cuts. More than once I have said the legislators should spend one day working with one of these kids. Then MAYBE they would get it. An hour to get dressed, is not unresonable.

Unless someone is in it daily, they just don't get it. They believe the parents should do everything, but they don't realize that it is like having an infant or a toddler FOREVER, and the TV is not a babysitter.

Just frustrating...

Have a good day and enjoy your D's smiles, they do make it worth it

cat

I have said the same things. I have to do everything for my D. They couldn't handle any of it.

I don't ever want my D in a group home or anything like that. I want her hoe with me. They are making it harder and harder for family members to keep them home.

Yes, some days are hard with D but the good days are the best!

Y

Hi YR!

Just catching up with you sitch! Oh, I know how said it is for you & with the gov. cutting those programs it's very hard! My parents kept my CP brother at home until he passed, almost 36 years!

I think you are doing great, taking care of you & daughter!! I'm so proud of you standing up for yourself!! You get everything you can out of that rotten h of yours! You deserve it all, you took him back years ago & now look what he is doing.

Stay strong!! Lots of hugs & prayers go to you!!!

YR:

Praying for you as you go thru this divorce and also the situation with your daughter. These darned politicians....they want to cut the programs that are most helpful and until one has walked in your shoes, they have no clue.

Happynow and MWG

Not much going on around here. My L went into the hospital with kidney failure but is finally back to work a couple days a week. He is such a good man.

Anyway, delays with the paperwork getting filed at the courthouse and my H dodging the process server is getting old. H told me Saturday that it was half the fun dodging them. Now he will get embarrased because they will probably serve him at this job, which all you know is the prison.

H decided to go to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle. I talked to him the other day and I told him that it was wonderful!! I can gt a sidecar for my D and we can travel!!! LOL Then I told him that don't forget this a community property state. He told me that now he doesn't know if he is going to pick it up because I put the fear of God into him! LOL

He is also getting nervous that he will be struggling financially after the D. I told him that we are only going after his throat and balls. he said you aren't getting my balls and I said why not, everyone else has!!! He just looked at me.

Honestly the man has lost his mind. I am doing great. I do get lonely but I keep busy and work through it. My D is doing much better now. Thank God. We still don't know about her program if it will be closed but I pray that it ontinue to be open.

I heard a good song last week. It is what I feel in my heart, Shes gonna make it!!

Y

Well my husband has a Harley......I guess I need to put on my big girl panties on and get half of the value on the Harley...and his classic 1970 Cutlass Rallye.....I never had thought about that..thanks Cindy for pointing that out.....
It may be too late for me since he filed and we have no lawyers...I cant afford one....he would die if the judge made him sell his prized possesions or give me half the value of them.....what do you think can I still get what is mine as well?????

Originally Posted By: Ilikemenow

Well my husband has a Harley......I guess I need to put on my big girl panties on and get half of the value on the Harley...and his classic 1970 Cutlass Rallye.....I never had thought about that..thanks Cindy for pointing that out.....
It may be too late for me since he filed and we have no lawyers...I cant afford one....he would die if the judge made him sell his prized possesions or give me half the value of them.....what do you think can I still get what is mine as well?????

No offense, but I'm not clear on your motivation here?

ILMN

I would think that you would get what is yours. Texas is a community property state. You can ask for things like a part of his retirement, (even with a current job)any money that he has saved, house, cars, child support, maintenance,etc. Did you go to a mediator? Make sure you protect yourself.

The judge will ask what each one of you want, whether or not he awards it is a guess.

Let me know.

PEI

I think ILMN's motivator is that she isnt getting anything that she had from her H and all the years she has been M. She doesnt have a L to advise her. I think she is trying to figure all of this out.

Y

YR,
I am so very sorry to read this sitch. It's been awhile since I've been here and I can't believe it. I remember you were one of my inspirations during my sitch. I trully wish you the best of everything. Words of advise... So many people advised me to get all I could get or at least be fair to myself during the divorce. Out of fear and desperation for it all to be over I gave in waaayyy too much. Looking back two years after my divorce I wish to God I would have took him for ALL I could get. I thought I was doing the right thing. Saving turmoil and heartache. I gave in to his games and now I'm broke. He's still an a** and probably always will be. And he's living the high life. Good luck to you YR.

New

I have to look out for my D and myself. I will get what the L says D and I deserve. He said I will be taken care of. We havent even started the financials yet. I know I will not be taken advantage of.

I am having a huge internal struggle today. My heart and my brain are having a war. I thought I was over the crying by now but I do feel better since I let it all out!

New, what was your old screen name??

Y

YR my old screen name was theotherhalf. I understand your headache and heartache. I still struggle every day even though I am doing fine. I have to. YR, maybe let your head win this time...(((YR)))

Originally Posted By: yellowrose

H decided to go to buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle. I talked to him the other day and I told him that it was wonderful!! I can gt a sidecar for my D and we can travel!!! LOL Then I told him that don't forget this a community property state. He told me that now he doesn't know if he is going to pick it up because I put the fear of God into him! LOL

He is also getting nervous that he will be struggling financially after the D. I told him that we are only going after his throat and balls. he said you aren't getting my balls and I said why not, everyone else has!!! He just looked at me.

Y

YR, just catching up. What you said above literally had me laughing out loud! Your awesome, don't forget that!

As for you struggling and crying, I am sorry about that. I promise you that it does get easier and the crying becomes far and few between and then eventually you won't cry anymore about it. It's also ok to cry here and then because it let you know you are in touch with your emotions. Better to let it out then keep it in.

MissH

I do feel better since I let it all out! I get to the point where it builds and builds and there is relief after a good cry.

It just seems such a shame that this is even happening again. Boy is he going to get a wake up call.

Y

New

Okay now I remember you! I am so glad you are doing well!

Today was much better! I have to expect those kind of days and move forward. I know I will be okay, right now I just feel like I am in limbo with my H not being served yet.

I know I have done all I can do for my H and I have to do this for myself even though I have rough days!!!

Y

I'm sorry YR and I wish you peace. (((YR)))

YR,
It sounds like he just didn't finish his MLC.

I don't think my X will finish for some years. He just hasn't learned to take responsibility for himself and his own happiness.

And to realize that you get out of things what you put into them. If you make no effort in a R, then you can't be too surprised when it doesn't work out.

forward

In posted something to you and it disappeared into cyberspace.

I dont know what is going on in my H's head and I am not trying to figure it out anymore. i know he has issues and they are his to deal with now.

H still hasn't been served yet and I am thinking he is dodging the process server. I know I will visit my L office tomorrow and find out what is going on.

He came over to spend time with D today for 4 hours. He did things around the house that I didn't ask for and even washed my car.

I was inside the house so he could have his time with D and asked him why he was washing the car and he said because it was dusty!! I told him that he didnt need to do those things and I have it covered.

When he was getting ready to leave he told me that he would be back next weekend if it was okay with me.

Oh the mind of the LCer!!

Y

That is MLCer!!! lol

YR -
Our sitchs seem very similar...I believe I remember you back in 2006 when I came here the first time my H split.

My old screenname was fandgmom back then. H and I reconciled in August 2006. He cut and ran again Sept. 2010. And after all he has done over the years, I am done. I'm not standing anymore. Evidently, he never finished the MLC or whatever it is he is dealing with. Much like you I have done all that I can and I have always, always been true to myself through all of this.

So many tell me that they don't know how I put up with what I did the last 4 years. I guess I just believed his words and ignored his actions. Right or wrong, it's what I did.

Just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking of you and obviously you are not alone. ((HUGS))

Wow JA! You too? I'm so very sorry. Thinking and praying for you too.

Jennifer

I am so sorry to hear about you and your H. I do remember you from before.

Our sitches are too similar. 4 years home for my H too. Things were good, and it wasn't my imagination either. My family and friends all saw what I saw. He stunned us all when he walked again!

I can't do this again. I learned alot from last time and I will move forward. It's going to be hard but I know I will make it!

I talked to my L office today about him not being served yet. They said that he is playing games and ducking the server and it is costing me more money!! They said that they are going to try their best to have the judge make him pay for the D. He wanted this and I didn't but now he thinks it is all a joke! Whatever!!

We cme to this agreement that when my H comes over next time, I will call the server and have him come here. I have his cell number so if he isnt served by then, we will do it this way!

Y

How aggravating this must be for you....just like a kid playing hide and seek...but he is messing with the wrong kid......good luck Cindy....praying for ya......Irma

Quote:

Things were good, and it wasn't my imagination either. My family and friends all saw what I saw. He stunned us all when he walked again!

I can't do this again. I learned alot from last time and I will move forward. It's going to be hard but I know I will make it!

Ditto YR, Ditto.

Everyone was shocked on my end as well - on the outside everything looked perfect. When I look back, as I said in my own thread, the signs were all there, (to me only, I hid it from everyone else) I was just refusing to believe them. I chose instead to believe his words and ignore his actions.

When I tell everyone about the stuff that was going on behind closed doors, all the things that H did behind my back (that I discovered) and I kept hidden from family/friends because I was ashamed, that's when they all say they cannot believe I endured and put up with what I did.

I must say I am not surprised your H is dodging the server. Our H's sound alike in some ways. I don't know what my H is doing. He yammers on and on about how he needs a life (evidently being married in hindering his ability to date, lol) and wants this done but yet he isn't doing anything to move things along. I said the same thing to him last week, about wanting to get this done, etc...and his response to me is "What's up with you today - why are you all of a sudden saying this?" I guess his response was such because I don't reveal anything to him in the way of my feelings. I told him that I guess I feel that once we're divorced, I'll stop letting him hurt me. He says "I'm confused, what did I do?" (ha ha ha!!! Really? What did he do?) And I just said "it's my own fault for allowing things to hurt. I need to get over stuff, that's all." And his reply was "sorry everything I do is wrong"

Alright, sorry for hijacking your thread. Good luck and I will be checking back often.

Irma

Thanks for the prayers. I need them.

Jennifer

The only time that I sawsomething wasn't right was the day that he came home and said he wanted a D and that he didn't love me anymore.

Before that he was home every night. We ate dinner together, slept together, went everywhere together. We talked about anything and everything and just enjoyed being together. Then wham!!

Now he is avoiding the server????? I am giving him what he wants or what he thinks he wants! Now it is what I want because I can't do it anymore.

Y

YR,
Interesting that he still is ducking and dodging and running.

If he wanted to stop things, would you go through with it anyway?

forward

I think it is best that I do go through with it. Who knows if he will run again. I can't do it anymore.

Y

Originally Posted By: yellowrose

forward

I think it is best that I do go through with it. Who knows if he will run again. I can't do it anymore.

Y

And YR you shouldn't have to. You deserve better. God bless.

thanks New!

Y

So H was served today at the prison.

good luck, yellow.

thanks ever
y

YR,
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Thanks Snodderly!

This is not what I wanted at all. I miss my life, but I know it will get better as time goes on.

Y

YR,
I understand how you feel. I promise you, it will get better in time. You have to walk through the valley of pain in order to get to the other side. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and then let it go.

We are here for you.

YR so many of us here echo your words. I was so very pleased for you when your h appeared to come out of it. The shock and pain of his re-entry into the state must be terrible. Probably worse than the first time.

There is a sense of peace that comes finally, although i think if we are honest all of us, even those who have been here a long time, sometimes have deep regrets at all we have lost, while celebrating the people we have become.

If we hadn't had good marriages we wouldn't have stood for them for so long, and taken so much on the chin. But there is a point when we say enough, and only we can know that point.

snodderly and beatrice

I have some bad days but most of them are good now a days. There is very little communication between us. He calls usually once a week to come and see D. I don't call him at all.

Everyone kept telling me that when he got served that he would call, I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. It didn't bother me. He did call my S though and told him that I was going after his bal*s. Everything isn't on the papers yet. We haven't even started. He has 21 days to respond and then it begins. The only thing that was on the papers was child support for D and that will go for life and even after he dies it will go to his estate. The other was spousal support.

My S said he was afraid my H would be a pauper. I told my son that this was all his choice. My S is feeling sorry for his dad, but I have to look out for D and me!

My H has a rude awakening coming that is for sure!

Thanks for being there for me!!

Y