Here is my previous thread since I need to start a new one.
The Rollercoaster Ride... Thank you everyone for your kind words, hugs and support. I am planning on having a much more productive day. I know that if H and OW are moving in together this weekend I have to be there for my D16 when she finds out. I will be the strong arm for her to cry on and comfort her.
Have a blessed day!
Hi Lorie,
I was reading through your last thread and found this:
Like I have said before I do alot of reading of other people's sitches. While reading them, I have come to a conclusion about our WAS's or MLCers and that is, they are not choosing the OP over us, they are choosing themselves. I have seen many times people be upset because their spouse chose the OP. Let me tell you, they are choosing themselves over everyone, including the OP. Eventually, the OP will see this, and they will decide whether our spouse is worth the selfishness or not. But, we are good people, we would not be here if we weren't, we would not want to reconcile with our spouse. We would have not want to work on ourselves. We are the better people and will always be the better people until our spouses choose the take the high road and do what is right, not what is easy or better for them. Trust in God and know that he doesn't make junk, he has made you a special and loving person. He made your spouse that way too, but the difference it that your spouse is choosing the easy route and you are not. God be with you all!! He is good and loving and me made you!
When a person does something to someone, it has nothing to do with that someone, and everything to do with the person who did it.
When a MLC'er goes out and chooses to have an affair; you are right; they are choosing themselves, and their "happiness" over anyone else who would stand in their way, including the LBS.
They are aware of what they do; MLC or not...if they weren't aware, they would not be playing headgames, lying, and trying to justify their actions toward the LBS.
Unfortunately; while they are deep within their affair; you cannot set effective boundaries in that area; you can only set them on their behavior toward YOU.
And this still doesn't mean the MLC'er will accept the boundaries; they could choose to get even worse in their behavior, simply because they CAN..and in a way, they know it.
Yet,God calls upon us at certain times to stand up for ourselves; that is what our intuition is..the voice of God speaking within us.
I agree heartily that God doesn't make "junk", He made human beings and equips them to withstand the many trials He sets before them to go through.
God allows things to happen to open our eyes to what we truly are; and He often uses things we wouldn't think of to accomplish His purpose.
Although, for example, He hates divorce; but will allow it to happen, why?
Part of the reason is because He won't tamper with Free Will, and part of it is because it seems to be the only consequences
some MLC'ers will understand is the loss of the LBS..most of the time for good, as the MLC'er will never be truly happy for the remainder of their lives, NO matter what they "show" on the outside. I'm convinced of that, because you can't do wrong and get by.
Consequences last a "season" according to the Bible, but God never said how long a season would last.
Lorie, you will come through this better and stronger than you were before; and your trust in the Lord is deep to the point you KNOW He has everything under control; and that's a good place to be.
I know God is sometimes hard to understand; but His ways and thoughts are NOT our ways and thoughts; and He always allows things to happen for a reason...we might or might not know this reason down the road.
The important thing is recognizing where WE need help within; and be willing to allow God to change us, work with us; fashioning us into what He would have us to be.
I've not always understood what God is all about; but I trusted Him; and placed my hope and my faith in Him..knowing I would be taken care of regardless of what happened in my life.
In hindsight, my understanding was increased; and yours will, too.
It is still the same now with me; I hold onto Him; and depend upon Him to care for me; knowing He always will.
God will allow us to go deep into the deepest valleys in our lives; but we never walk alone; as He is always with us.
When I went through this trial, it deepened my relationship with Him; and no matter what happened; I never lost my faith in Him.
He worked a miracle in my marriage; but most importantly, He worked a miracle within my life; and helped me to become what He meant for me to be.
The person I became was worth more than the marriage that came back together...and I came to know this with a certainty...as the marriage is a BONUS; not a means to an end.
The road I walked into my "new" life; was a hard one, but worth every step I took to reach the end.
In time, I healed in every way; and became more sure of myself as time went on.
You, too, can and WILL reach this place; it will take time; but it will be worth every step to become what God means for you to be.
And, even then, the growing doesn't stop; it continues throughout the rest of your life.
You're going to be fine, Lorie, no matter what happens going forward, because the Lord does hold you in His hands.
Take care.
What a great post. Thank you. I vote it be made a sticky note here.
Lorie,
I've been intending to post to you for awhile. Last weekend I read your previous thread and the thing that jumped out at me is how much you seemed to transform from the beginning to the end of that thread. You have become strong, resting on your faith in God. HB's post lays out a path for your feet.
I had been devout as a young woman but became very discouraged in my early 20s and lost my faith. A big miracle for me, early after the bomb, gave me hope that God was acting in my life. There have been a handful of smaller "miracles" since then. These have given me faith to continue DB'ing, even though I am D'ed.
Your faith will continue to give you comfort and strength.
Best,
GAG
First, HeartsBlessing, GREAT POST. Very inspirational.
Lori, right now the pain is so near the surface it is hard to focus on anything else. Even when you know you are the responsible adult here and have children to think of. I know this is not really great consolation, but as time goes by, things will and do become clearer and easier, and keeping your faith, letting go and letting God, will be the hardest and best thing you may ever do.
I, too abandoned my faith for many years. Not abandoned, perhaps, but put it on a back burner due to H's feelings. That was wrong of me. I have it back now, and it's made a world of difference in my life.
Hang in there Lori, we are all here for you and for each other.
Wow! Thank you everyone, you have no idea what a blessing it is to come here to read these posts today. HB, your post is most inspirational and shows me the continued graces God has given to me in all the support here.
I will tell you that God has always been a part of my life, but the past couple of years I have been lazy about my faith and feel this time, as painful as it is,is the time for me and God to grow more fully in our relationship.
I want to tell you all a story, when I was in kindergarten my parents divorced. My blessed Catholic mother never gave up her faith. We lived a struggled life and my father lived a life of luxury. We lived in the projects and he had a beautiful home with his new wife and her children. But my sweet mother took us to Mass every week and did what she had to in order to grow herself. When I was in the second grade she remarried and financially things became much better for us. Though she did not marry in the Church, she was faithful and continued to take us to Mass and religious ed.
It was this time that my stepfather started to sexually abuse myself and my sister. This lasted for 10 years of my life. During this time, I followed my mother's example of faith in God and knew that one day it would end. It was a terrible 10years for me in so many ways. Finally, God brought my sister and I to be able to tell our mother what was happening. She was shocked, angry, and sad. She threw him out that very day. She never believed anything he said and always believed us. God was my comfort and guide through those years as he is now.
By telling you that story I am not looking for pity, I am telling you, that part of my life was the most painful I have ever endured. I will never get my childhood back, but I always had God at my side. What I am going through is painful, you all know it is, but it is nothing compared to what I went through as a child. I know God is with me. He is speaking to me through all of you and many other mediums. God is asking me for my patience and that He is working on my H. Therefore, I know at this time it is during this patience my relationship with HIM is growing and expounding everyday. With God, who can be against us! I believe this and I hope you all do as well.
All my expectations are through God, and not H. I have laid my marriage at His feet and I know God will guide me through this to what His plans are for me.
Have faith, for God is not walking beside you now, he carrying you and holding your pain.
Thank you all for being here for me! God is working through you!
Blessings!
Lorie,
Thank you for sharing your story with us here. That took courage on your part, but clearly you are a courageous woman.
In my work as a clinician I have come to realize that child sexual abuse is one of the most heinous crimes that one can perpetrate on another. Its impact is lingering and affects not only the victim but those that the victims love as well throughout their lives. You were blessed with a mother who did the right thing even though she knew what the economic consequences of that might be.
In my experience, those individuals who face the trauma of that abuse and work toward healing become incredible, self-actualized individuals. That comes through in your posts. I am glad that your faith has proven to be an anchor for you.
GAG
Thanks GAG!
I was just thinking about God and all the wondrous things He has done in my life. One of them was my H. Another quick story of how God works. The day I met my H a friend introduced us. When she introduced his name to me, the thought went through my head "he will be your husband"! I kid you not! I was thinking I was hearings, but after pondering about it, I realized that it was God speaking to me. Granted, we did not date for about 6 months, but we became best friends first. When H asked me out for that first date I was nervous about losing him as a friend, but I remembered what God said about him being my husband. The rest is history and only God can guide me through this time. God is ever faithful, especially reminding me of this wonderful time in my life.
Hello Lorie,
I was just thinking about God and all the wondrous things He has done in my life. One of them was my H. Another quick story of how God works. The day I met my H a friend introduced us. When she introduced his name to me, the thought went through my head "he will be your husband"! I kid you not! I was thinking I was hearings, but after pondering about it, I realized that it was God speaking to me. Granted, we did not date for about 6 months, but we became best friends first. When H asked me out for that first date I was nervous about losing him as a friend, but I remembered what God said about him being my husband. The rest is history and only God can guide me through this time. God is ever faithful, especially reminding me of this wonderful time in my life.
It's His way of showing you that He had put the two of you together; and His way of encouraging you to stand for your marriage.
God knows what is ahead; and we don't; that's why it is needful for us to trust in Him for whatever outcome comes about as a result of the crisis, or whatever else we may face in this life.
His word says He will never leave us nor forsake us; and I know that to be the truth; as He's always there, sharing in the joys and the sorrows..an ever present help in time of need.
No matter how this comes out; you'll know that you did everything you could do to try and pull your marriage back together.
I had to come to the realization sometime during his crisis that my marriage might NOT make it through,(this was IF my husband had decided NOT to continue with me; the Lord showed me this possibility as part of my learning during that time), learn to be all right, no matter what happened, and still trusted the Lord for the outcome.
In time you will see different things, mostly in hindsight; these will increase your understanding, but you'll also see some things ahead, as the Lord guides you through this trial.
One day at a time, one step at a time; is all you can do; placing all of your trust in the Lord to bring you through each and every day.
I was reading what you went through in your childhood; and I have been in a different position; but was sexually abused three different times by different family members.
On top of that, I was abused, physically and emotionally, throughout my childhood....the emotional abuse continued into my marriage; as my husband suffered from his own issues during that time.
I didn't heal completely from all of the damage I'd suffered, until I went through my transition..but God wrought a healing in me that was beyond anything a human being could do.
Never discount the power of God in your life and marriage; I could not have made it without Him helping me; and holding me during the times when I just couldn't make it any farther.
I gained strength and insight from the trial; and you will, too.
God is always faithful to His Children; and He keeps His promises; and blesses us beyond our own expectations.
There is a great deal of strength that literally "flows" off your posts; and the presence of God surrounds you; protecting you; and wrapping you in His love.
This is a place you want to be in with Him; and, though the road will get harder as time goes on; the strength provided by Him to you will bring you through; when nothing else can.
Take care.
HB, your words are so encouraging to me.
I believe God has brought you to my thread to keep my stand strong. I do believe that God will let me know when it is time to move on, but honestly I do not expect that from Him. My D16 and I went to Mass tonight and it was wonderful. The more wondrous part was after Mass, so many people came up and told me they were praying for us. After we got home I got a FB message from the organist who said I looked so beautiful and she could tell the God is with me. God keeps telling me things are going to be okay!
You are in my prayers HB that your marriage will continue to be strengthened through your faithfulness to God.
Blessings to all.
I believe God has brought you to my thread to keep my stand strong. I do believe that God will let me know when it is time to move on, but honestly I do not expect that from Him. My D16 and I went to Mass tonight and it was wonderful. The more wondrous part was after Mass, so many people came up and told me they were praying for us. After we got home I got a FB message from the organist who said I looked so beautiful and she could tell the God is with me. God keeps telling me things are going to be okay!
Hold those thoughts as time goes on; God can and may show the outcome to the LBS through their intuition or through other people.
But though He will warn you the road will be long and hard, He will not show you the
exact path you must take to get to the outcome; and many things can change because of circumstances along the way.
Some for the better, some for the worse; take it all in stride, knowing God has everything in His control.
He will comfort you during the times that things won't look right, smell right, nor taste right...and He will guide you into what you need to do or say in regards to your husband when the time is right.
Follow His instruction; EVEN if it seems to go against what you've been taught all your life; His way is the way of teaching us to set boundaries; speaking the truth in love, and standing up for ourselves against others who would hurt us.
He teaches us through the trial/crisis to be good stewards of ourselves; and care for ourselves more effectively.
For now, you are on the journey to wholeness and healing; asking the Lord to show you the areas within yourself that need growth and improvement.
God doesn't show us the worst parts of ourselves to hurt us; it's to help us.
He will, in turn, help us to understand HOW we must change to grow into what He means for us to be.
There are many things learned on this journey; and change is on the agenda at the moment.
It takes TIME to see, grow and change; there is no time limit on your journey..it will complete when it's supposed to.
You're going to be fine; this much I can see.
You are in my prayers HB that your marriage will continue to be strengthened through your faithfulness to God.
I thank you for the prayers; and you are in mine, as well.
God is an integral part of my life; always has been, always will be.
When the crisis came upon us, I was, at best, settled...and God never wants us in this kind of shape. Everything that happened challenged me to become a better person; and a better servant for the Lord.
I'm STILL growing, learning and changing...none of that stopped, even though my journey completed itself in time...I'm on yet another journey; learning something else; and drawing closer to the Lord as time goes on.
I would NOT trade the time spent in the crisis for anything..it was a true attention-getter for me; and if it hadn't happened; I would not have the marriage I have now, nor would I be walking as closely with the Lord, as I do, now.
Time heals all wounds; and that is ongoing throughout the crisis...you will, in time, find acceptance, (accepting what was done) forgiveness;(forgiving the person who did it) and healing(from all of the emotional pain) in time.
Forgiveness will most likely be done in stages; it's hard to forgive the wrongs done to us; but God helps us with this.
Have a good one.
Thank you HB!
Again, you are such a blessing to me and others. I am feeling stronger everyday in my walk with Christ and standing. I am lucky that H is not a mean and vindictive person. He is confused, whether this is MLC or WAS, satan has invaded and I know God will prevail. Have you read the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian? It is really good and it is keeping my prayers focused on what my H needs me to pray for him.
A friend is getting The Power of a Praying Husband for my H. She said she is going to give it to him, and even if he doesn't read it, she thinks it will plant a seed. She is converting to Catholicism this Easter and she wants him to come to the Mass. I told her not to expect anything from him. I told her he is so confused that he may even look at her like an alien. But, she wants to try. God Bless her!
Blessings to everyone!
God bless you Lorie! I am so sorry.... hugs....
I am amazed at your faith.
Like you, I also heard a voice when I first met my H. The voice said " This person will be important in your life" .... and I thought it was for my career, cause we r in the same field! But no wonder.... against all odds he became my H.
Thats why when I pray, I always tell God that I know He gave me H, and I ask that he let me keep him, and our M, and if I did not take care of my M well....I promise to take care of it and am proceeding to do so.
I think our M's were blessed by God and this is a test, or maybe He needs to teach either us or our H's something..... and we all know that he does work in mysterious ways. Lets just pray for ourselves, each other, and each others H's.
Take care!
Angel thanks! It is true we are so blessed by having the sound mind to hear God when he speaks. I know the Lord is teaching me many new things now and I hope H too. I fear as long as the OW is in H's life he will not learn what God is trying to teach. But, that being said, that is between H and God. I am working on my relationship with God because I know it will only enhance my M when H comes back. Oh, and he will come back because God has spoken this to me loud and clear on many occasions. Just as he has told me to be patient and all things happen in His time.
I am praying every night for all of us who are hurting and waiting for H's to come home. I am praying for restoration in all hurting marriages.
Whatever God asks of me is my guidance to work on and for me. I believe this DBing is what God has given to Michelle to impress on us.
God Bless and have a very rested night of sleep.
Angel thanks! It is true we are so blessed by having the sound mind to hear God when he speaks. I know the Lord is teaching me many new things now and I hope H too. I fear as long as the OW is in H's life he will not learn what God is trying to teach. But, that being said, that is between H and God. I am working on my relationship with God because I know it will only enhance my M when H comes back. Oh, and he will come back because God has spoken this to me loud and clear on many occasions. Just as he has told me to be patient and all things happen in His time.
Never discount the power of God..He can deal with wayward husbands/MLC'ers in a way we cannot.
I have always known God will not cut through confusion; BUT, I had seen many things happen with my husband; that had made me question the Lord at times.
At that time; He told me NOT to ask questions; just allow Him to work in the situation; and within my husband.
His answer came through much later and was put to me this way many years ago; since God's Will comes first; He will do whatever it takes to keep His Will intact.
His thoughts and ways; don't match what we think about things; and so God works in mysterious ways.
So don't worry that OW is interfering with God; she can't do that; as God is powerful force to be reckoned with.
Let God continue His work in you, and when the time comes that your husband returns to you, as God HAS told you...you will then have the strength to deal with him as God instructs you to.
The only thing He hasn't told you is how long this it will take, before he returns.
Understand that God's time and our time is NOT the same; and so you'll have adequate time to strengthen, change and grow yourself up into what He has meant for you to be.
Making sure YOU are ready is important; and this where your changes come in..regardless of Him showing you that he will return to you..you must also do YOUR part in this.
When we do our part, God will do his; but if we don't, He will lengthen the time out, until we do.
I've seen this before; we have the tendency to sometimes "tie" the Lord's hands, because we fail to do what is required of us first.
When we grow, change and become...and things still don't come forward, just yet; it is because it is not time..going back to God's time and ours not being the same.
Yet, there are parts of our journey not taken until we start dealing with the MLC'er in earnest.
If they don't return; then the journey takes a different kind of turn; teaching you to survive on your own; God does, indeed, take care of His own.
There were some things; several aspects of boundary setting, that I didn't learn until I started dealing with my husband later in the crisis; and I learned many lessons that would NOT have been learned had he moved out, entirely.
These for you, will be learned once he returns to you; and they are unique to your particular situation..but you will know as they come up to be seen/learned.
But, for now, you'll need to continue letting go of your husband; and continuing the ongoing work on yourself.
Hello everyone, I just thought I would update a bit. I don't have anything major to post just wanted to tell you how the week has gone. H and I texted a couple of days. He's still in MLC land, but thankfully he is never mean or nasty to me. Thursday night God worked a mini miracle. At the last minute my D16 wanted to go to a parent/teen presentation at our church. Since it was a parent thing, I texted H and asked if he wanted to come. He said yes. Everything the presenter stated were words straight from God and to my H ears. It was amazing and I was so joyous after the presentation with God in my heart. Granted, I have no idea how this affected H, but I feel God is working on him. That too me is a good thing.
Again, my in-laws suggested that Cliff stay here at the house so he is staying here this weekend again, but I am thankful for his time with D16. Last night we went to the bball game to watch D16 dance. We had so much fun with lots of laughs. Today they are spending the day working at the high school on sets. My D16 is performing in the spring musical "Footloose" and I am praying that they have fun together and it will help loosen my D16's heart to put her anger for H behind her.
Anywhoo we are going to church together as a family tonight and watching some movies. Again, I feel every time H walks into the church God is working on him. MLC or not, OW and all that entails, I feel God can heal whether this takes months or years. I am continuing to walk with God.
I am hoping you all have a blessed weekend!
Hi Lorie,
Let me share something with you. God really listens to us and helps alleviate our suffering.
H is out of town for work, and he will be back later. Lately he barely calls when he travels, usually only oce before he sleeps. For some reason, when I woke up this morning, I was as usual praying that everything will be OK, that H will find his love for me again. Then I got to thinking of how God wants us to ask for what we want in our prayers, and to be more specific. So I asked that He put me in H's thoughts. Somehow, it entered my mind that H will think of me and call me, but I removed the thought in my mind, thinking that I should not test too much so I don't get disappointed if he doesn't.
Lo and behold, phone rings 30 minutes later. It was H!Reminding me what time he will get home later, and that he will call from the airport and I should be dressed by then as we are going out to a school fundraising event later.
We actually already talked about it last night so there was no need for him to call, really.
After I put down the phone I realized my prayers for today were answered.
Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts here. This was exactly what I needed to read today.
GAG
For some reason, when I woke up this morning, I was as usual praying that everything will be OK, that H will find his love for me again. Then I got to thinking of how God wants us to ask for what we want in our prayers, and to be more specific. So I asked that He put me in H's thoughts. Somehow, it entered my mind that H will think of me and call me, but I removed the thought in my mind, thinking that I should not test too much so I don't get disappointed if he doesn't.
Lo and behold, phone rings 30 minutes later. It was H!Reminding me what time he will get home later
It is so amazing how God puts things into our minds. He was telling you what you needed to pray for and even though you doubted it a little bit, God was faithful.
I already pray thanksgiving to God for restoring my marriage, because I know that he will one day in His time. God is so good like that!
All of the thoughts here have been so uplifting - thank you so much.
Before I met my husband 29 years ago, I was praying that God would give me direction, and bring someone into my life. God answered with bringing H into my life.
Since H left in Nov, I've asked for God to reconcile my marriage, to work in my H's heart, and that through all of this God will be glorified.
We didn't have the perfect marriage, but I've told myself from the bomb drop that I will stand for this M. But I worry if I'm doing the DBing correctly - dark or dim? I'm working on detaching, but I'm still caught off guard sometimes. Being alone can still be difficult for me.
The last several weeks I've been struggling with turning this all over to God. I've thought several times that I have, only to doubt myself. Since I still worry and stress about the S/M, does that mean I haven't truly given it up to him? Yesterday He brought me flat on the floor, asking and begging Him to take this cup from me. Then I heard on the radio that I should praise Him as I wait for answers.
I've just started doing evening devotions with my elderly mother, who is in a nursing home. I felt God placed last night's devotion in my hands to speak to me, as it dealt with patience and persistence. It encouraged family members to never give up on one another, but to instead bear our mutual burdens. We are to address our problems in love, and continue our efforts even if positive results are not immediately evident. God will bless our efforts in due time.
May God bless everyone who has found themselves here.
The last several weeks I've been struggling with turning this all over to God. I've thought several times that I have, only to doubt myself. Since I still worry and stress about the S/M, does that mean I haven't truly given it up to him? Yesterday He brought me flat on the floor, asking and begging Him to take this cup from me. Then I heard on the radio that I should praise Him as I wait for answers.
May God bless everyone who has found themselves here.
Nic,
I think the thing that helps me leave it in God's hands is I BELIEVE that God will fulfill his promises to us. I have stated that I feel God is telling me my marriage will be reconciled and HE is asking me to be patient. As I stated in a previous post, I was sexually abused by my step-father for 10 years, and I never lost my faith during that time. 10 years is a looooooong time, so currently this is a drop in the bucket compared to that. If I have to wait 1,2 or even 5 years, nothing could compare to those 10 years. Until I feel God is telling me different I believe God will prevail over satan in my sitch. I know this has brought me much peace and hope. I know it is hard to hand it over to God. Trust me, it was hard, but once I really believed I had no control and only God was in control, it was easier to lay my marriage at God's feet. I am at so much peace and joy about this, it shines through. When I am in public people tell me how happy I look and I seem to be glowing. I just tell them God is in control and I am praising His name for the peace and joy. Why should I even let the crazy MLC bother me? God will take care of it.
I do still pray several times a day for my H and the OW. I believe that prayer is the tool that God gives us to defeat satan. For example, H spent the weekend here at the house for his time with D16. When they were gone all day on Saturday, I wanted so bad to go and get on H computer and snoop. Instead, I prayed, and prayed that satan would leave my home, nothing I could snoop about would change the sitch. I finally felt peace come over me and I didn't think about his computer again.
This MLC stuff is crazy, and I really do believe it is satan messing with their brains. I am one of the lucky ones because H isn't mean to me at all. I will say during my prayer time God and I have had some serious discussions about my walk with HIM and my short comings in the marriage. We had a good marriage, but I am not perfect and God helped me to focus on me and what I needed to change about myself.
Just some personal observations from the weekend. We did have a good weekend. We wend to Mass as a family and rented movies last night. This morning I worked our church chicken dinner and H and D16 came to eat with me when my shift was over. Now, I should say D16 sat between us at both these events and I have no expectations. Then we came home and vegged out until H had to leave to take photos and D16 and I went to a superbowl party. I invited H to come to the party when he was done, but didn't expect him to show, but he did! I believe that God is working on him.
Blessings to all!
Lorie, I love reading your posts. They inspire me so.
I spent 2 days away, traveling, and felt so happy. I missed H but appreciated the time away so I could relax and not think of what his mood is like, etc.
I am so thankful that I have time to pray, and ask the Lord to guide me and H and OW as well.
I know He will listen to my prayers and I am really feeling confident now that H and I will be together always.
Lorie,
How are you doing?
A women's luncheon at church Saturday was very uplifting. I then visited a friend in the hospital, and stopped into to the church chapel. I randomly opened a Bible, and the page was Matthew 19 - about how a man should not divorce his wife. S was in town, so he went with me to do evening devotions with my elderly mother. I'd forgotten my Bible, and asked for one at the nurses station. The nurse really had to search through the desk, and was surprised she kept looking. She said "I knew I had one in here somewhere." New testament only, but that worked out fine. Bible reading for the lesson on Feb 12 - Matthew 19.
Take care.
Angel and Nic,
I am doing good. Have had an up and down week. My H's great aunt died and my MIL asked that I still come pay my respects and spend time with the family. At the viewing on Tuesday night H and I played a dance where when I moved he moved in the opposite direction. I leave this up to the MLC because we had a good weekend experience, he is withdrawing again. So, I just kept my distance and spent time with MIL and family, who by the way support me 100%. On Wed. when I got to the service I walked right up and sat with MIL, FIL, and H. What was so great is the preacher said so many things my H needed to hear and used some of the scripture that I had actually been praying on about my marriage. H was a pallbearer and asked if he could ride with me to the cemetery. Of course I said yes. When I was driving him back to his car, he made a comment about how a preacher always has to ask others to come be saved. I quietly said a prayer and stated, "You know, I am sure there were people who needed to hear it." H didn't say a word after that. Then we go to his cousin's house to eat lunch with the family. I am just doing my thing, helping getting food out and such. Then when it is time to eat, H promptly sits down at the table right next to me! CRAZY! I know!! I had an appointment to go to so I was the first to leave and as I was saying my goodbye H comes into the living room like I was going to hug him too, but I didn't! He stopped me and asked if I was going to the game to see D16 dance on Thur night. I wanted to look at him like he was crazy and say DUH! But, I sweetly said, yes, and that I would be cooking dinner before the game and if he would like to come for dinner he was welcomed, otherwise I would see him at the game. Then I turned and left. He texted me later about some news he had heard and said he would come for dinner. These are all signs to me that God is working on H.
Thursday, H came for dinner and even complemented me on the meal. We went to the game, separate cars, but we sat next to one another, but it was a bit strained feeling and then I realized he was texting with OW. So, I just prayed and visited with my friends whom we sat with. Since then, I have not heard from him at all. Neither has D16. A friend who lives in the same city as OW called and told me she saw them together on Fri. She said as soon as H saw her he lead OW in a different direction. I told my friend that God put her there to make him think about me all weekend while he is with OW! LOL!
I have been a little down with Vday coming, but thankfully with lots of prayer and good advice from friends I am focusing on my D16 for the day. Today was hard at Mass this morning. I went to see our priest on Thur morning as asked that he include a prayer for all marriages and especially hurting marriages into the prayers for the faithful. Today, Fr.'s homily was all about marriage, including the hurting ones. He stated there are many in our parish family who have hurting marriages. He then stated, "Are you praying for them or talking about them? You should be praying, because marriage is a lifetime vocation and those hurting need your prayer to the restoration of their marriages." I of course was crying by the end of the homily where he included a special prayer for all marriages and solid and hurting. Again, confirmation to me, God is faithful and keeps his promises. No matter how long it takes, I am going to keep praying for my H to find his way back to God. Because then, when H finds his way to God he will find peace and the rest of his life will fall into place perfectly.
Keep praying for your H/W/exH/exW, because God does hear our prayers.
Blessings to all and remember that Jesus is the only Valentine you can rely on right now.
I just want to tell everyone that I hope they had a good Valentine's Day. I know it is a hard day for all of us. I woke up in a great mood, and baked a chocolate cake for my D16. Then I received flowers from my sweet sister who was worried how I would handle this day. I went to meet a girlfriend for lunch and then came home for a nap. My D16 sends me a text telling me H left her and me a Valentine's Day cards at school. I was shocked, it was not a mushy card, but a sweet one with a Starbuck's gift card in it. H just signed it "Enjoy, C" and I just praised God. I didn't get him anything, because I felt God leading me to leave it alone and God would handle everything. God is working on H's heart. I texted him later in the evening, while he was out with OW and said thank you for the card. I didn't expect to hear from him, because he usually ignores me when he is with her, but he sent a "You're Welcome" text. Go figure! Again, I don't know how long this is going to take, but I am allowing God to take the lead in all matters handling my H, and I am just DBing for myself.
God has shown me in so many ways that He is working on H, and I just need to let go and let God! I just have to keep praising God.
Blessings to you all!
I know, Lorie. Yesterday H and I had a long convo. Long story short, I turned a corner recently and realized that even if I keep on saying I am letting go, I am actually not, with my conditions to H (that if we D'ed, I will relocate with our D.
Yesterday I told him that I loved him so much that I could no longer bear to see him suffering, and that I wanted to let him go. The only thing holding me back is my mothers heart, as I could not bear to see D12 hurt as well.
I credit my H with his understanding in that sense. He and I decided in the end, without me pressuring him, that we would wait 2 more years. We also started discussing possibilities, options once the two years are up - which I am sure made him feel that I have accepted the situation. I still told him though that hope cannot be taken away from me, and that I still do not want the divorce, if he does, then its will only be his, I will remain faithful to the covenant I made.
He actually said that he only wanted to be free, did not necessarily want to get married. That he felt that he no longer loved me and could not remain within the marriage because of it. I did not try to convince him otherwise, although I do think that there is still some feeling there. It does not matter anyway because I want it to be a new R when it comes....
Incredibly, after he felt that I was heartfelt in my wanting him to be happy, the old H immediately started to show. He looked at me when I talked to him, started initiating conversations. We became more lighthearted, and he even admitted that he still felt a physical attraction to me. When we went to mass, he was very much present in spirit as we sat down together as a family.
The Gospel was about divorce and adultery. I could not look at him at the mass, and I felt him tense up a little, but I noticed that he prayed a lot after communion. The sermon was about choices, which we also had talked about earlier. I am amazed by how God reinforces the things we say. I know my H is still a God fearing person and this is God's way of talking to him. I keep on praying that God will open his heart to me again.
Keep on praying.....and Thank you for reminding us that Jesus is our Valentine....
Angel,
I know how hard it is to let go and let God, but I believe with my whole heart, that if I don't let God be in total control, this journey will take much longer. Remember as you pray for your spouse, pray for God to make you the wife and mother God wants you to be. Your H has a great base of faith, here in DB land we talk about making our own changes. Let God heal you and change you so your H can see the new you and Jesus through you.
Right now, I am praying for God to break the devil's grasp on my H and OW. I don't believe I could have any kind of conversation with H as long as he is with OW. I really don't want to either, because I know that would not be H really talking but the devil.
Be kind to yourself, trust God, His time is not our time. Recognize the crazy behavior of MLC and forgive your H, for yourself, not him. Show H unconditional love and the next 2 years could offer HUGE changes in your sitch. Trust and believe that God will heal and restore your marriage. As long as you are standing, act as if this is going to happen. You know where they talk about GAL and having that little smile on your face as if you know something H doesn't? Guess what, I have that smile all the time, because I know God is on my side, and H doesn't.
God is in control!
Lorie,
Sounds like you are in a promising place, as far as your sitch. I debated about texting H a Happy Valentines, and decided against as I thought it might be seen as pursuing. Now I'm kicking myself for not following through; but nothing from him either, even when I texted him about son. Guess that's just the bad sitch we are in.
On the happier side, I got flowers at school from D, S and future SIL. I took them home to use as the centerpiece for dinner. About ten of us ate and spent the evening together. That made for an easier evening, and the table looked awesome.
I have to contact H later today, so guess I could throw in a belated HVD, but maybe that is worse.
I have to contact H later today, so guess I could throw in a belated HVD, but maybe that is worse.
No! Don't do this! It is pursuing! If you really believe that God is going to restore your marriage, then let God do the work, not you! Let go and let God! Keep that as your mantra! It is mine, as well as, "Through God, all things are possible." Just keep a detached relationship with H now, and just pray for him. I know it is not easy, but it will be better for you in the long run.
Trust God!
Just updating --
So, H came over Wed night to show me how to use the grill and we cooked dinner together and had a good time together as a family. This weekend was H time with D16. Again, he planned to stay at our home. D16 was on a trip on Friday and would not be back until very late. H didn't show up to stay at the house until 9:30pm. I was already in bed due to getting up early the next morning for my own fun day. I was still awake so H comes in and sits on the bed and we talk about how things are going at his work. Then as we were chit chatting, I asked him if he thought I was too independent or too needy during the past couple of years of our marriage. (Yes, I know, bad Dbing, but I really wanted to know the answer.) He said that I was too needy. I was so shocked as I thought he would answer that I was too independent. My response to him was, "I bet that was very overwhelming for him." Then we ended the conversation as I needed to get some sleep and he was going to wait up for D16 to come home.
Saturday was great because I was gone before either of them got up and didn't get home until 9pm. I had a great day doing something I have done for 6 years now, and that is spent a day scrapbooking with my friends.
Then today, I ask H to stay after D16 leaves for a retreat because we need to talk about finances. I go off to church and when I get home I was surprised to see him here. I had felt it on my heart to talk about my part in the breakdown of our marriage and told H some of the things that I felt responsible for and also told him I was standing for our marriage, but I wanted him to be happy. I told him that I did not need him for me to be happy. I wanted him and a marriage with him, but I would be fine without him. He talked a bit about how he felt I did not respect him and have not respected for years. I told him I am sorry he feels that way, that I have always respected him. He gave an example of me undermining him in regards to our D16, which blew me out of the water, because I thought I was backing him up. I just apologized and said it was never my intention to undermine his authority with D16. We discussed how I felt we have become lapse in our relationship with God and that putting Him first is now my goal daily. I told him I was praying for him and OW. Then I did a very, very, bad thing! I asked H if he didn't love me anymore. He became very quiet and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I can't say that." I was shocked, because I was so ready to hear the ILYBNILWY. Really! During our entire separation H has never said that to me or that he didn't love me anymore. On the flip side, he did say that he doesn't miss me right now. I wanted to say, Duh, the OW is keeping you preoccupied. But I kept my lips zipped. We did discuss our finances and worked through what was needed. We ended the entire conversation with a very good hug.
I am not sure what this will have done to H's current thinking process, may have been good or may have been bad. I am again just not having any expectations, but leaving it in God's hands. I feel so much peace after today, and believe that God is really working on my H and I just need to continue to give H space and time. I still continue to hear God telling me to have patience.
I realized that I was not DBing very well, but I felt I was following the Lord in my interactions with H this weekend. I continue to pray for H and OW daily.
I hope this week has good things in store for all of us, and pray that all our marriages will be restored.
Blessings,
Lorie -
I am glad that you are in a place of peace. Please be careful and take care of yourself first. There is still another woman in the picture. Pick up Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough". Even as strong as your faith is - you have to set boundaries. Praying for you!
IB
Thank you IB, and I do know the OW is still there! I am setting boundaries, which was the finance talk. I had to put my foot down about a couple of things. Thankfully, it was very well received. H said is going to be more proactive about this area than he has been. So, we will see.
Blessings to you IB and I know you are moving forward into a better place. Just be patient and kind to yourself.
Lorie,
If God had not intended for you to talk to your husband, He would have instructed you to stop. As it was; you planted several seeds within the conversation. You're right, you WERE following His instruction.
I respectfully disagree with using Love Must Be Tough in a MLC situation.
The book Love Must Be Tough cannot be used for MLC; the techniques are designed for "normal" situations; when the marriage is on more stable ground...I will explain why I say this:
I got the book at one point during his MLC, and as I was reading it; the Lord instructed me NOT to use any of the techniques within the book...some were used LATER as the marriage was rebuilding; but as it stood with him deep in MLC; I was advised that those techniques would backfire if used on him in the state of mind he was in.
An MLC'er is NOT going to respond very well to Love Must Be Tough; because most of them are looking for ANY excuse to leave the marriage behind completely; and if you want to stay married; you don't want to give them any leeway; even if it means staying quiet for a period of time.
For me, there was a time to speak and a time to be silent..and most of the time; I managed to do what God instructed me to do; if I didn't, I saw consequences for disobedience; we would cycle right back to the point where I had disobeyed the Lord, so I could get it right the second time...and time was added to the trial/crisis.
Boundaries in regards to the affair will not work if they are not receptive; there are certain boundaries that can be used; such as stopping the texting to OW/OM while with you; at your home..stuff like that.
Boundaries are for YOU; not for the person you set them on; they can decide NOT to honor them; and there's not one thing you can do about it, if they don't; except maybe remove yourself from their presence.
While we do learn to take care of ourselves first, we do this while we are still dealing with the MLC'er; although we stay detached.
I did take care of myself; but I also dealt with my husband when the Lord instructed me to.
Boundaries against disrespect and bad behavior did NOT come until the affair was finished and behind my husband; and he was further along forward in the tunnel.
I fully realize that I probably looked like a true doormat at times; but I followed the instructions that God gave me; because He knew my husband better than me, and most importantly; He knew what the future held; I didn't.
So, I followed His instruction to the letter; made many mistakes; and it took time for things to change and come through.
The Lord's instructions at times; sometimes will not make sense to anyone but Him as He gives them; but if you're willing to trust Him; and do what He asks, things will fall into place.
You'll find yourself doing things that are counterintuitive to what you know or you once knew; but God is teaching while He is instructing...and what looks to someone like "doormat" behavior; to God, whatever He instructs serves a far greater purpose.
You're doing fine; your faith is strong; God won't fail you, as He is faithful to His children. But, listen to His instruction as He gives it; it is for your betterment.
Take care.
Lorie,
One other thing; Pray the Hedge of Thorns Prayer for your husband and OW.
I can't post it here; but you can look it up on the internet to find it; it's based on Hosea; and all the trouble he had with Gomer, his adulterous wife.
This will help, too.
HB,
I have not read that book, because when I looked at they synopsis, I did not think with what I am currently going through the book would not be helpful. I did set a boundary about finances though, but it was for protecting me and D16, because I am only getting unemployment now and I am still responsible for paying our bills. His check is still deposited in our account, but he has a side photography business and has been hoarding that money, without looking at our joint acct and seeing what D16 and I need to make it to the next payday. Some days I have only had $4 in our acct and could not even go to the store. I have asked friends for help, and I am sick of that, when he has extra money, he needs to do the responsible thing and see if we need money. Heck, I tried to get gas today and didn't have enough money. That is embarrassing! So, H said he just got paid $400 for a wedding he did this weekend and he would deposit into our account on Tue when the banks open. So we will see what happens.
I do think that you and I are on the same wave length as far as letting God guide us. I have already been praying the Hedge of Thorns prayer for both H and OW! I also pray that God would bring a good Godly single man to OW to help her find her way to God so she can have happiness in her life too.
Are you friends with MWD on the alt? If so, look for me. I hope you have a great evening!
Blessings!
Hello again, Lorie.
I did set a boundary about finances though, but it was for protecting me and D16, because I am only getting unemployment now and I am still responsible for paying our bills. His check is still deposited in our account, but he has a side photography business and has been hoarding that money, without looking at our joint acct and seeing what D16 and I need to make it to the next payday. Some days I have only had $4 in our acct and could not even go to the store. I have asked friends for help, and I am sick of that, when he has extra money, he needs to do the responsible thing and see if we need money. Heck, I tried to get gas today and didn't have enough money. That is embarrassing! So, H said he just got paid $400 for a wedding he did this weekend and he would deposit into our account on Tue when the banks open. So we will see what happens.
That I can understand; and you do need to protect yourself in this area; God will advise you and aid your efforts; but will not do it for you.
And you need money to survive; and it's not wrong to ask him for the proper support for the household.
I didn't have that problem during his initial MLC; but I know that God will back the LBS who asks for support.
And if you don't say something to him, he won't do what is right; he needs to, but he won't unless you get after him; and I don't mean in a mean way; just a matter of fact way.
In the state of mind he is in; he will let things stay the way they are until something changes; and that means you have to stand your ground on certain things; such as financial support.
And, from what you say, you are doing just that.
Sometimes they act worse than children.
I also pray that God would bring a good Godly single man to OW to help her find her way to God so she can have happiness in her life too.
While God will answer the Hedge of Thorn Prayers if it is His Will, and we do have to ask for His Will, and not ours to be done, the OW, who causes so much trouble in the marriages of people, will NOT gain anything from the affair; but more trouble than she has caused.
This is because OW must suffer consequences, right along with the MLC'er.
As one does sow, therefore they shall reap...and if the sowing is in corruption what is received/reaped is MORE corruption.
The Bible clearly states to love our enemies, and pray for them.
But when we ask for God to bless our enemies, and this includes the OW/OM; the direct opposite happens they suffer and hard; I know, I've seen this before many times.
I learned, in time, to forgive the OW for her part in the affair my husband had; but the Lord showed me that He would NOT bless her; she'd tried to break up a marriage and family; and for that, she would truly suffer, and hard.
The OW was NOTHING to me; she was my husband's problem, NOT mine; and this was made very clear to me by the Lord.
So, I separated myself from even the thoughts of OW; and this took awhile; she was bringing me down; as every thought I spared for her was taking power away from me.
This is a pattern in OW's life that cannot be "fixed" by praying for her; it will take something more to bring her down in the end...and only God knows what that is..leave her in His Hands; and pray for your husband.
She's still a person; but you must always recognize the snake in the grass when you see it; and ALL OWs/OMs are of this kind.
The majority of them know that the person they are seeing is married; but do it anyway..and for that; they reap in loneliness, heartache, and suffering for what they do.
God does take care of the situation; and it's not going to be in the way you would want it to be; as I do sense you have a heart for people..and that is OK; but see a spade for what it is, a spade.
You know people by the fruit they bear, the Bible tells you this; and the OW/OM bears some pretty rotten fruit.
I also learned to step back and let my husband suffer his consequences; and he reaped hard for all that he'd done to himself, his marriage; and to me, his wife; as well as his family. I saw things get so bad for him that I took pity on him and asked the Lord to lighten up.
This was the WRONG thing to ask Him...He immediately asked me if I wanted to suffer right along with my husband; I said no, I hadn't done anything wrong...so the Lord taught me a valuable lesson; it is better to watch people suffer through their consequences so that they may not do this again. If their reaping is "light" then it won't be an incentive for them to straighten up and fly right going forward.
On the other, it is entirely possible to "reap" for another; and in that; nothing is learned by the party who did wrong; so "bailing out" NEVER needs to happen.
Some consequences are suffered during the act of sin; and some are suffered even WAY beyond the ending of the act; as the Bible says reaping will continue for a season; and a season in God's time is unknown.
You know, God instructed me, when the time was right, to hold my husband accountable for all he'd done; I'd already forgiven him; but HE hadn't faced it; and as long as he didn't face it, he would never change and become the husband God meant for him to be.
What I had to do in holding him accountable was also part of his consequences suffered; because people MUST face what they've done and make it right...this doesn't come until later in the crisis; but does come.
He didn't do this on his own, so it fell to ME to begin the process when it was time.
Maybe this will help, too.
While God will answer the Hedge of Thorn Prayers if it is His Will, and we do have to ask for His Will, and not ours to be done, the OW, who causes so much trouble in the marriages of people, will NOT gain anything from the affair; but more trouble than she has caused.
This is because OW must suffer consequences, right along with the MLC'er.
As one does sow, therefore they shall reap...and if the sowing is in corruption what is received/reaped is MORE corruption.
Thanks HB, I realize this is true. I do believe she will suffer the consequences, and I know she will need to in order to never make this mistake again.
I have forgiven her as well, and she doesn't occupy a major amount of my thoughts nor time. I really focus on my H, family, and friends during my prayer time.
Thanks again for all your advice, keep it coming and I really love hearing it!
Blessings!
Lorie,
Thanks HB, I realize this is true. I do believe she will suffer the consequences, and I know she will need to in order to never make this mistake again.
When I talked about consequences so the mistake was not repeated; I was NOT talking about the OW/OM; I was talking about the MLC'er.
The majority of the time, MLC'ers go into this innocently; never understanding until later, the fact that an affair will take them farther than they ever wanted to go...and when they try and break it down; there are MORE problems that come about...some of them lay on the MLC'er, for their weakness; and susceptibility to addiction, and some lay on OW/OM for their craziness.
What you need to understand is there are actually OWs that repeat this all the time; they are users that will stop at nothing to "keep" their married man.
When they lose one; after a period of time, they go on the hunt for another.
I had to teach my husband about women who are that way, as the Lord instructed me to.
I did alot of research back in the day; boy, my eyes were opened wide!!
I actually worked with an OW in the past who was very open about the married man she was seeing.
She was USING him to pay her bills;and she gave him sex in return...no doubt the man was in MLC; but she didn't care about that. She only cared about what he could do for HER...and the MLC'er cares about what the OW "does" for them...they do use each other and it turns out badly every time.
Part of my journey was the research I did; and I learned to NEVER give OW/OMs the benefit of the doubt...I learned to see them for who and what they were; destructive people; who cared nothing for anyone but themselves.
My husband's OW would have kept him if she could have; and she went to great lengths to try and "win" him away from me. It didn't work, as my husband's mind was made up; but the addiction that was so hard to break kept him going back until he gained the strength to break free of her. She never realized that the love that was STILL there in his heart was bringing him back to me. I knew when she was gone..but then, I was dealing with a man going through OW Withdrawal; and the end was still nowhere in sight.
I can only hope your husband's eyes are opened to her true colors; waking up to what he's doing; that is the first step to breaking down the affair...but it doesn't begin to happen until the dissatisfaction level gets high in one or both, or a "change" happens in the MLC'er to make them see what they are doing that is so destructive.
You don't have to dislike or even hate the OW; you just need to understand what they are about; and what your husband is up against within the mistake he has made.
The devil throws down many roadblocks during MLC; and this is one of the hardest to overcome; as the devil never presents the true nature of the roadblock; he shows a beautiful exterior; an escape, if you will.
Many a person has gone this wrong way; only to be entangled in a snare of this kind; and trapped in a different way.
The first step is the thought; then the justification to make it "OK"; which opens the door to sin; then the action, which causes more problems than anticipated..and the Bible does say the wages of sin is death..and this is not always physical; it is emotional; relational, and spiritual.
More food for thought.
Lorie,
Just to make things clear; I'm simply teaching you what I know about these things.
When it was me, I was so innocent; and I was naive in so many ways.
I never thought this would happen to me; but it did, and God explained many things to me; helped me research and learn about MLC; and the aspects associated with this trial.
Looking back now, I'm GLAD this happened; because it did teach me a great deal that I try to pass on to others; not only that but I grew through this trial; and knowledge of that journey I pass onto others, as well.
I know how you feel; God was all I had to hang onto when I was traveling through; and there were times I thought this would last forever, but it didn't.
All things are possible if you believe in the Lord who makes ALL things possible.
God had to push me into some of what I did to help bring my husband through; I was frightened out of my wits at times; but He would always tell me, as He instructed me, that things would be all right; just do what He said.
He didn't "make" me; but He was good enough to show me what would happen, if I didn't take His advice...and there were times when I DIDN'T do what He told me; and a few times of cycling back; and having to face an aspect again was enough to keep me in total obedience.
There were people He sent to help me, too; and I drew some from their experiences; but not much; my situation was different; and God was leading me sometimes directly; sometimes through others.
When God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
People may disagree with my methods; and that's OK; I'm not anywhere to "impress" someone with knowledge and wisdom.
But I REMEMBER, although I no longer feel that pain, being lost and unsure; and life was falling down around me, and I needed help...and help was given to me in many ways, and my questions were answered; as much as could be answered.
There came a time when the questions no longer mattered; but that didn't come until later on in the crisis; when I realized my questions no longer needed answering.
This is a LONG road, regardless of how it comes out; and there is much to be learned along the way...some within yourself and some from others who have walked this way before.
Take care.
This is a LONG road, regardless of how it comes out; and there is much to be learned along the way...some within yourself and some from others who have walked this way before.
Take care.
HB,
I hear what you are say and both of the posts above. I know very little about OW except this:
Her 1st H was an alcoholic and she left him.
Her 2nd H died about 18months ago (A with H started 8months after his death)
Apparently 2nd H was drug addict who smoked pot every night.
All of these things are what H has told me and who knows if any of it is true. I have no idea if she is a serial OW, but I do know, she went into a R with my H fully aware of his being married and having a family.
I have done alot of research myself and know how this affects H and when he decides to return it will be a long process for H to deal with to break the addiction. I do believe that is what this A if, an addiction to the "feelings" that come with it. This is the spiritual warfare that is raging within H. I believe my and everyone's prayers for his will eventually defeat the devil's A plan, but the devil with fight with the addiction part. Again, I believe that prayer will help with too. All in all, I feel that the OW is not an issue for me. Do I feel pain and hurt by her actions with H, yes, but I really don't waste too much time thinking on her, but spend my time praying for H mostly.
I hope you keep watching my thread and posting to me. I value the insight you have to offer and feel that God brought to my situation to support and help guide me thru what He wants me to do.
Thank you!
Lorie and HB -
I am okay with the fact the book may not be right for your situation. I found a lot of strength from his words on setting boundaries.
I sometimes feel as though I drift through this forum trying to find some idea of what I'm really dealing with. I pray, I try to behave in a Christian manner. Have I handled this situation the right way? I don't know. Have I not let God's words guide me through this journey? I think I have but I'm not sure. For whatever reason the man I have loved and cared for - the man who I have supported and genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with wants absolutely nothing to do with me and has demonstrated not an ounce of remorse or concern for me and the kids. Is my situation different from everyone else? I don't know.
My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.
I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.
IB
My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.
I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.
IB
IB,
Here is my Christian 2x4 --
If you really believe in this covenant, then you have to believe that God will restore your marriage. If you believe God will restore your marriage, then you must let go and let God! You must forgive with all your heart to let go of the anger. God will give you peace. Does it mean you will have less sadness or pain? No! But if you praise God in everything, including his promise to restore your marriage.
Have you been to the Rejoice Marriage Ministry page? Google it, and it will help you to find strength in your stand. These are the things you can do! Let God work on your husband, and ask God to help prepare you and your heart for your husband's return. God has really helped me with learning about myself and the kind of wife God and my husband need me to be.
I am praying for you IB, get out of your head and give it to God! Be thankful for all the things you do have and will have!
Lots of (((HUGS))) and prayers going out to you.
Lorie - yes I read the Rejoice site every day. I pray for God's mercy and guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for my H - that God will find his way back to my H. In the meantime - I have tried to demonstrate my commitment by keeping the family going - by being strong for my kids.
Thanks for your guidance! You sound as though you are in a really good place.
IB
IB,
You are welcome and I am glad that you are praying and reading the site. You will find peace in letting go and letting God do the work. I will remind you that this is in God's time. You said your H was raised and your marriage was through your faith. That means your H has that base of faith deep down in there and praying for H will help God fight against satan. I have a great example of marriage restoration in my own family. My brother and SIL divorced for 5 years before they got back together. I look at them and realize God does keep his promises as long as we trust HIM!
HB & Lorie,
I've found inspiration in both of your postings. Thank you for sharing.
I'm asking God to guide me this week if I ever get the chance to talk to H. He mentioned filing last week, the first time in 3 months. His relationship w OW seems to be cooling on the surface, but of course I can't be sure. It would be wonderful if he broke that up on his own.
I've laid this at God's feet repeatedly, and I hope I am following His instructions. My dying mother has played such a part in what I hear God saying, that I wonder if she is still hanging on to be an instrument in this R. Time will tell.
IB, I also get discouraged. My H and I made a promise before our wedding day to never D, because we had seen the destruction done to each of our sisters. When I reminded him of that this summer, he only said people change and he couldn't keep that promise anymore. :-(
I pray for all of us here.
Nic,
Thank you for your kind words. Being able to help others is an answer to prayer.
I'm asking God to guide me this week if I ever get the chance to talk to H. He mentioned filing last week, the first time in 3 months. His relationship w OW seems to be cooling on the surface, but of course I can't be sure. It would be wonderful if he broke that up on his own.
I've laid this at God's feet repeatedly, and I hope I am following His instructions. My dying mother has played such a part in what I hear God saying, that I wonder if she is still hanging on to be an instrument in this R. Time will tell.
Ask God to guide you daily in your words and thoughts. This way you can be your own testament and light to those around you. I pray that I am the vessel in which His love shines so brightly I draw others to Him, especially my H. When I feel compelled to speak to my H about our R, which is rare, I ask that the Lord send his Holy Spirit down upon me to speak the words God wants me to speak.
I do believe the DB way of NOT talking about R or D is God's way of allowing Him to do his work. Do not bring up R talk with H, if H brings it up, pray for guidance to say what God wants you to say, this will help to not speak emotionally.
If you have laid your marriage at the Lord's feet repeatedly, then you have not truly given is over to Him. Let go Nic,
TRUST and
BELIEVE that God is working everyday to restore your marriage. You will find so much more peace. Remember, that our time is not God's time, this could take months or years. Patience, Patience and more Patience is one of the things asking of you while you are on this journey. The other thing he is asking you to do is to prepare yourself for the return of your spouse. Again, when DBing you should be looking within, because the only person you can control is yourself. By looking within and changing yourself for you and God is not only beneficial to you, but also prepares the way of marraige restoration.
IB, I also get discouraged. My H and I made a promise before our wedding day to never D, because we had seen the destruction done to each of our sisters. When I reminded him of that this summer, he only said people change and he couldn't keep that promise anymore. :-(
I pray for all of us here.
My H and I too said the same thing about never getting a D as we both believed no matter what was happening around us, we would always be able to discuss and solve our problems. I don't even know if my H remembers this, because as I am learning, he has had a lot of resentments going on that I never knew about, because he never brought them up to discuss.
I too am praying for us all here.
Here is a great blog article I found. I hope it helps others!
Living Out Truth, Not Just Talking About It. Blessings!
IB and all,
I sometimes feel as though I drift through this forum trying to find some idea of what I'm really dealing with. I pray, I try to behave in a Christian manner. Have I handled this situation the right way? I don't know. Have I not let God's words guide me through this journey? I think I have but I'm not sure. For whatever reason the man I have loved and cared for - the man who I have supported and genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with wants absolutely nothing to do with me and has demonstrated not an ounce of remorse or concern for me and the kids. Is my situation different from everyone else? I don't know.
My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.
I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.
From what I've read; you are and have been doing all you can do to hold things together.
While I agree with Lorie about marriage being a covenant; I also understand that we cannot "make" the MLC'er return to the marriage; IF that is the place and decision THEY come to within the crisis.
One of the most PAINFUL things that I remember; was when the Lord showed me that He would not tamper with free will; and I was to let him go; letting God work on him.
He further showed me that this could go EITHER WAY; and I would have to be OK with however this could go.
I remember asking Him if husband left me; would all the work I had done on myself; would be for nothing; and He answered; no, of course not; that I would have gained the tools to take into a new relationship IF it came to that.
I was uncomfortable with what He showed me at first; then I began to understand that I could not "make" him love or want me; if he didn't.
And during the crisis; I experienced having been treated, talked to, and regarded no better than the dirt on the floor to be walked on. I KNEW he didn't love me during that time; he was incapable of love of ANY kind...not even of himself.
I questioned myself many times, the wisdom of standing for a man who clearly didn't care anything for me; and the Lord always said I was unable to see the INSIDE of him; nor could I see inside of the situation; ALTHOUGH I was right there.
The Lord was right; and He instructed me to do things at certain times; even though things didn't look, feel, smell or taste right..but He instructed me anyway.
Things got much worse before they got better; I was instructed to be kind to him; although distant; and to be consistently loving EVEN when he was NOT.
This was hard to do; because the first thing you want to do is return bad for bad; anger for hurt; and He instructed me to stay calm when dealing with husband....to show him nothing, no feeling, just a matter of fact calmness; as well as treating him as kindly as he would accept; and when he got angry; walk away after letting him know I would not put up or accept his attitude toward me.
That boundary just like all others, was for ME; and I enforced it many times during the crisis.
His mood swings; I learned to let slide off my shoulders; like water off a duck's back.
His threats to leave I dealt with by simply letting him go; and telling him he knew where the door was; IF that was what he wanted to do.
Each person is different, just as each crisis is different; I let many things slide; because they were NOT that important to address at the time they happened.
You know, it looked like I was letting him "get away" with so much; but really I wasn't; he wasn't accountable to me, exactly; he was accountable to GOD, long before me.
God dealt harshly with him for everything he did and said that was disrespectful...there were times when I set the boundaries; and GOD enforced them.
It was later in the crisis after the affair; and OW Withdrawal was over with when the Lord instructed me to hold him accountable for his actions/behavior toward me.
I also had to stand against him wanting to just forget all that happened; and go on with our lives AS IF nothing had ever happened.
I would not and could NOT let it all go; the Lord backed me on it; speaking through me to my husband each time I spoke to him.
I was warned that if I agreed to this; it would happen again...it would only be a matter of time; and the SECOND time would be worse than the first.
I didn't know how long ANY of this was going to go on; but I knew God could be trusted with the outcome; and I held onto Him with everything I had.
The most important things I ever did during his crisis; was walk my journey; let go, let God work, and leave him behind to either catch up or not.
I detached completely; and after truly seeing myself for what I had been, I also saw clearly the man he was at that time; and the man he had once been..and my love dissolved to the point that only commitment held me in place.
I knew I could fix me; but could NOT fix him; only God could do that; and if he didn't become the man he was supposed to become, I had NO need of him.
I finally reached the point after some time, that I KNEW I would be OK, with or without him; and I accepted either way this would go. Once I did that, God was able to work on him more effectively; working within him in ways that I could have NEVER done; if it'd been just me.
There came a time when I let him go in every way possible; physically, mentally, and spiritually; and simply went on with my life.
I prayed for the Lord to work within his heart to increase the spark of love that was still there for me; and I prayed for the Lord to deal with him. I once told him that I wanted him to be happy, EVEN if it wasn't with me.
Then I let it all go into the hands of the Lord...and this is always easier said than done. You think that if you don't keep yourself "out there" for the MLC'er; they will forget you; but this doesn't happen.
You are there; even when you're not there with them; no matter how they act; you are STILL there within their minds; how could you NOT be?
The connection, however tenuous is STILL there until broken by either the MLC'er OR you. There's HISTORY there, there's many years of togetherness there, and it torments them with guilt and shame. They KNOW what they once had within the marriage; but it seems so far away during their time in the tunnel.
The divorce is a further demand for space; and they THINK that if they can end the marriage, their pain will ALSO end...but it won't; if anything; it should increase.
Once they discover their pain hasn't ended with getting a divorce; they must figure out what WILL end the pain; and SOME at this point, begin to look within; but some will continue to search.
I cannot say whether you have truly let go and let God work, only YOU could answer that question.
In many ways your situation is different because it is unique to you, alone; but in many others ways it is the same; because of the SAME problem; issues within the husband, the change of feelings due to deep emotional pain, and the inability to look within(at least at this time); and the penchant to become rebellious; and the feeling of being "entitled" to just do whatever he wants without retribution.
Now, I don't ever say MLC is an excuse for bad behavior; but I do know at certain times; and at the deepest point of rebellion; NOTHING will work; not boundaries; nothing, except letting him go to make his mistakes.
And through those mistakes, to hopefully discover on his own that the best thing he ever had has been in front of him this whole time. And it's NOT the OW.
He's out searching for something; but it is unknown exactly WHAT he is searching for...and since he won't look WITHIN, the answers he's seeking won't be found in outside sources.
Self discovery can be a long drawn out process within the MLC'er; and who knows when they will exhaust the many avenues of escape they can try?
Only GOD knows when this will be; and only He knows when and if this will end.
I won't cite averages or numbers, because I don't know any; I've known people who survived the crisis; coming through together; and I've known some where their marriages ended...the damage was too much; and forgiveness couldn't be extended or accepted.
And I know some who are still there within the tunnel; fighting the demons within them; and no end in sight.
The only things I ever knew was to listen to the Lord; who has infinite wisdom, grace and mercy; follow His instructions to the letter, and to be able to accept either way this goes.
Time, patience, and fortitude serves one well as the crisis wears on; and the knowledge that it takes TIME to come through.
And even IF the MLC'er decides to walk away; know within your own heart that you did all you could do; including your journey to wholeness and healing.
The point is to let go, and let God work; in the meantime, live your life; and trust in Him for the outcome.
HB,
Well said and much food for thought. I can't thank you enough for continuing to post to my thread. It helps me to discern many things God is telling me. God is working through you and I am thankful to Him and you for helping me to stay on the right path!
God's Blessings!
Lorie1964,
I made it over here!
I've been reading your thread(s).
Need to run and will comment later.
You have such strength!
MZ
Thanks M!
I have to tell you all that I read the book "I Do Again" and it was very eye opening to me. It became another tool to look at myself and evaluate changes I am making and still need to make. I just wanted to tell you all about it, as I had heard of the book and felt called to read it. My journey with God grows everyday!
No other news on H or job hunting. Just still plugging away.
Blessings to all!
Journaling--
So, haven't communicated with H for about 4 days. Tonight D had several performances at the bball game and I knew H would be there, so I really spiced up my look. It made me feel great. I wore heels (which is a 180, I rarely wear them because I am 5'9"), my hair was cooperative and looked fantastic! I wore a low cut sweater (school color) and felt like I was ready to conquer the world. I caught H looking at me several times as I flitted around the gym visiting with friends. When I sat down, I sat down to a photographer buddy of H to chit chat, and not a few mins later H was there and sat next to me. H and I chatted on and off through out the game, as I left here and there to visit with friends and help with the Dance Team stuff. Everyone kept telling me how great I looked and it boosted my ego. You know, I thought I was going to look good for H to see me, but really, it ended up being for me. I felt great, it helped me to feel confident through out the whole evening. I barely gave H much attention at all.
I have really been working on losing weight and have lost 52 lbs. I actually started the losing weight before H left. I still have about 40 more to get to my goal weight, but I feel so good it is really keeping me motivated! Plus, all the compliments and ego boost is keeping me focused. It is part of my own healing process, and I know it is a permanent lifestyle change.
Okay, it is so late and I need to go get some sleep.
Blessings to all!
Well, I haven't posted much lately, mostly because there isn't much to post. I am still looking for a job, and have been busy with D16 and talking with friends. This is H's weekend with D16, and it has become commonplace that he now stays here on these weekends. My in-laws have just laid down the law that having D16 at their house on his weekends is not fair to them, as they want D16 to be there grandparent time. So, here we are. He comes and stays in the guest bedroom. I do my own thing and they do theirs, though we do eat meals together and sometimes watch TV together. At first this created anxiety, but I am getting use to it. H and I interact as if we are just friends and he is here visiting. Thankfully, tonight they went to a sectional bball game and tomorrow I will be gone all day to a scrapbooking event. I have some things planned for myself on Sunday, and I am not sure what they are planning. I guess it is a two-edge sword, one, to show unconditional love to H and for him to see my changes, two H and D16 don't really get to see what it is like on your own.
Okay, I guess I just needed to journal some.
Blessings!
Lori,
If that is the way it has to be, then I agree that the best thing for you to do would be to keep busy and out of the house as long as possible. I myself do not think I would allow this to go on that long. IMHO, it allows him the luxury of cake eating, even if you are not included in anything but the TV watching. It's like, every other weekend he gets to come home and play Leave It to Beaver's Dad, and then he gets the next 12 days to play house with OW. Just my opinion, though
Lorie - I know that parts of this arrangement must be painful for you. I'm glad your faith is helping carry you through - I know that mine has helped. Last night at our sectional game - one of my favorite people in the world who is 84 years old came up to me. She and her H were my FIL and MILs best friends. They came to our wedding and she has always been more welcoming to me than even my inlaws. Anyway - she didn't know about our situation. She said she noticed changes in my H about 5+ years ago when he was coaching her grandson. She held my hand for a long time and said she was so proud of the way I was keeping my kids and myself as a strong family. Brought tears to my eyes (but no crying for 7 days in a row now:)) Her daughter came up to me later on and said "Mom thinks the world of you!" - Little blessings that bring such love to my heart. Just what the doctor ordered!
Have a great day! (PS - little jealous of you and your scrapbooking - I own EVERY tool known to mankind and haven't created a page yet!!! This is one of my demons:))
Thanks Punkin and IB,
I know this arrangement is hard at times for me. I really don't consider it as cake-eating at this time, as I do try to stay out of the way and he has total responsibility of D16. He tries to stay out of the way too. I do believe that God has created this arrangement as a way to show peacefulness of our home, and not the chaotic life he lives outside it. He doesn't live with OW and she actually live 40mins away, so they are still in the "secret" of the A. His two lives have yet to collide, which I believe will keep the A going longer. But, I have no control over this and H has to do the work he needs to do on himself before the A or anything in his life is calmed down. Until this, at least every other weekend, he is here in a calm and peace filled home.
IB, I was really anxious when it was time to get back to scrapbooking, as I am doing my books in chronological order and I am just finishing up my 2003 book. Looking at our lives and scrapbooking them was a bit overwhelming and daunting after H moved out. But, I refuse to let this time in my life prevent me from doing the things I love to do. Scrapbooking is one of them, and I want my D16 to be able to look at these books with fond memories when she is older. I had a fantastic time today and I am so glad I have so many fun friends with whom I love to scrap!
I have got to get some sleep! Nite all!
Blessings!
Just wanted to report the weekend went really well. H actually acts uncomfortable around me and doesn't want to be around me too much. This is new, as I am usually the one uncomfortable, and now I am not. I just "act as if" and focus on what I want to do. H actually made plans for the whole weekend with D16 so they kept busy and out of the way when I was here. When we were all here together, I just went about as if he wasn't here. I didn't even offer to cook dinner for us. I let him and D16 work out their own plans and meals. So he left with no dinner and D16 had to fend for herself. All in all, I had no expectations, and no real anxious moments. Next interaction will be on Sat. night as we have tickets to go see D16 in her school musical. We bought these previous to A discovery. I did tell him if he did not want to go on that night or with someone else it would be fine with me, as I could find someone else to attend with me. He said no, he would attend with me. So, I will have more to update then. I have no idea and really don't care what is going on with him right now. I just keep praying for him and for my daughter who still struggles with being around him.
Blessings to all!
Lorie - you sound really good and should be proud of the high road you are taking. I do not think you are setting up a "cake-eating" situation. I think you have established boundaries that fit your situation. Stay strong!
IB
Thank you IB! I am staying strong. I heard good news about another couple this week that split up. The wife wanted a divorce and now they are back together. I have been praying for them. I am so glad to hear good news like that! It still gives me hope.
I hope everyone has a great week!
Hi Lorie,
I imagine you as such a graceful and dignified lady, as that is how you come across in your posts. I always read them, and when I am interacting with H try to emulate how you think.
Your H seems to be a good man as well, just confused and on the wrong path. Keep that oasis of calm in your home, and one day it will all click in his mind.
I am working for that as well! I think I may be slowly getting there too.
You take care and God Bless! I prayed for you at mass today.
Angel,
I am not sure about the dignified and graceful part, I just try to follow God. I know that He is here right with me at all times and this really does give me peace. Today a friend and I were talking and she said, "I want you to be happy." I told her, for the most part I am! I believe I get that from trusting God. I have been able to get back to my hobbies, though without a job, it is hard to do those that use money. But, I had some projects I need to finish, and this makes me happy!
Thanks for praying for me, I prayed for you at Mass last night too. I also prayed for all those on this board and for all prodigal spouses to return home to their families.
God Bless Angel, God is right there beside you!
Just a quick update, not too much going on here. H is in total avoidance at this point, which is good and helps with detachment. I did see him Sat. night as we had seats together for D16's high school musical performance. We were friendly with each other and enjoyed the show. I was struck with sadness as I drove alone to our home. Tonight should have been a happy and joyous time to celebrate our daughter's achievements and how proud we were of her. Instead I came home alone and he went to be with OW. I had a good cry until it was time to get pick of D16 from the cast party.
Today, has been great and went to see the final show with my MIL. She and I had a blast and she loved the show. My D16 had so much fun, they have been rehearsing since December and I know it was well worth it. It is amazing how much talent and hard work high school kids put into a show. Now, D16 is off with friends bowling and I am home relaxing, thinking about what I want to get accomplished this week.
Blessings to all!
Lorie -
I definitely relate to the overwhelming sadness. What seemed to be precious just a short time ago - sharing the joys of parenthood - is gone. How can the other person ever know?
My prayers are with you!
IB
Thanks IB! I have no idea what the OW is thinking? I have no idea if H is even being honest with her. She may not even know I was right there next to him. I am just glad he did not bring her with him. Sometimes, I think the OW doesn't even see myself or daughter as real life human beings. I think she too avoids thinking about how this hurts a family. I am praying for you too!!
Blessings!
Lorie, the OW who thinks of the family cannot be an OW for long. I once almost became one 18 years ago. But I was not able to stand the thought of breaking up a family and put an end to the friendship. I still see the guy, they are still all together, and am glad I have the right moral values.
Maybe it would be actually a god thing if OW met you and your D. Last November, after OW and I met and spoke, she acually stopped talking to my H for a while, because she was feeling guilt. Right now, I know they are talking again, but H says it is really more to help her with her projects. I think though that my H feels he has a chance with her, that is why he is so miserable.
Angel,
I totally agree that "if" she has any morals she would see us as humans but I don't know that she is capable of that, especially looking at H and the obvious physical decline he is showing she doesn't see him that way either. I think she is in this relationship for the same selfish reasons he is in the relationship. I know one day it will all come crashing down on both of them.
I left you a message on the 40 day challenge on day 1 or 2. Go check it out.
I think your are right about H and his contact with OW. But that too shall pass, especially with your prayers for him. Remember time is on our side, patience is a virtue.
Blessings!
Nothing new to update, just decided to journal a bit. Everything is status quo. I believe H is in total avoidance phase, meaning he doesn't and isn't going to make any kind of decisions about anything! He is still living with his parents, but spends lots of time with OW, including everyother weekend that he is not here with D16. Yes, he still comes here, because his parents have told him he needs to come here or get an apt. They say when D16 comes to the house it should be because she is there to visit with grandparents and not her dad. So, he comes here and stays in the guest bedroom. I just go about my own business and they do their things. We did eat a couple of times together. This is a double edge sword for me as I am glad he gets to see the changes in me, though I doubt he cares at this point. The other is that he is constantly in contact with OW while he is here and it bugs me. UGH! I hate that I let it bug me. I am sure he has to be in total contact with her because she wants to make sure what he is doing with me! LOL!
So, until I get a job, I don't see this changing anytime soon as he has no money to get a place of his own, though I am sure OW wants him to move in with her, but she lives 40mins away from his job, so he hasn't done that yet. I think they are still talking about moving her down to here so then they can live together, and I guess she is going to support him until I find a job, because he will not look like the bad guy to D16 and all of a sudden stop paying for the house and bills.
Maybe eventually the OW R will break up and he will then be open to working on things in his M. But, I am not holding my breath, I am just trusting God. I just really want H and D16 to continue to rebuild their R. At least he took her to do some fun things, and she is really responding to him better.
I hope everyone had a great weekend! Blessings!
Just popping in, nothing new to update. Very little contact with H which at times can be depressing, but it really does help with detachment and working on myself.
Currently I have other problems to deal with, like finding a job. Yes, I am still looking 5 months later. But I did have a promising interview this week. Another is that my sweet grandmother is in kidney failure and I am spending with her and helping my mother.
But, I have been reading Jim Conway's
Midlife website and found this very short but right on target post:
Will my husband ever tire of the other woman?
Think of an oak tree which holds its leaves through the entire winter. But when spring time comes, the new growth and new leaves push the old leaves off. Keep focusing on growth and change and the other woman will be pushed off as an old leaf.
-- Dr. Jim Conway
Blessings to all!
So, H took D16 out for dinner on Tuesday night. He has not seen her for a week. Previously H and I discussed the fact that last weekend he would not have D16 for his scheduled visit as she had a retreat. I offered to let him have two weekends in a row or adjust weekends, but he never got back to me. So, Tuesday night when he tells D16 goodbye he said he would see her on Friday. I asked, why Friday, had they planned something else. He said, well since I didn't see her last weekend I just thought I would this weekend. D16 says, "Dad, I have plans. You never got back to us about what you wanted to do about my retreat weekend, so I thought you didn't care if you missed a weekend."
H said, "I just thought we would start over on the rotation."
D16, "Well, I have plans this weekend because you didn't discuss this with me or mom,"
I say, "Well, you could still arrange some time together on the weekend if you want."
D16 says, "I just want to keep the schedule the way it was previously planned because I don't want to mess up Easter Weekend plans either."
H says, (deflated), "Okay."
I walk him out the door and said I am sorry she made plans, and this is her decision. He said he understood and he should have discussed it with us when it was previously brought up.
I then say "BTW, I have started getting boxes for your stuff, and was going to pack it, but thought you may want to do that yourself. I said, I am not working I would be happy to pack your stuff if it wouldn't bother you."
H says, "No, I will do it."
I say, "Fine I will continue to get the boxes, because as soon as I start my job we can go over finances and you can go get on with your life."
H says, "We will see."
My minds says, "WTF!?!?!?!" but, I actually say, "The boxes will be in the basement when you are ready to pack up. I am sure you will want to do that soon." I then just walk into the house and left him there standing.
You know, I am not sure what to do at this point. I have dropped the rope and now am feeling more empowered. Especially since I have a job on the horizon and I don't need his paycheck anymore.
My BD is April 19th and that will be the 6th month mark that I found out about the affair and H moved out. Thankfully, I have plans with the girls that night.
Many Blessings to all!
Lorie -
You sound really good! I think you handled H really well! I knew we had a lot in common - my bd is April 30th:)
Keep up the good work!
IB
IB--
Most days I am doing really well. I still have bad days, and you all know what I mean by that, but all in all I feel good. I have lost 59.5lbs and I am hoping to hit the 60lb mark before next Tuesday! I have been very busy with projects around the house and looking for a job. Which I think I have one, just waiting to hear a start date.
I have come to realize the H has done nothing but walk away from his responsibilities. Living with his parents, his mother cooks and does his laundry for him. He gets to go spend time with OW whenever he wants. No mowing the yard, no chauffeuring D16 around, no cooking, cleaning or laundry. No taking the trash out, no worry about the bills. He is living like a freaking teenager!! Anywho, I am looking forward to a weekend away from all the responsibility as I will NOT be here this weekend when he has time with D16 and I have already started to make plans to not be here most of the next scheduled weekend also. Just keeps me off the rollercoaster. I love him, but do not like him very much right now. He is not the man I married and therefor I just don't want to be around him.
Okay, I will update next week and let you know how my BD goes, not a big one, I will be 47. Still young enough to get into trouble, but old enough to know better! (((HUGS))) and blessings to all!
Lorie, thats so awesome, 60 lbs! I am stauck at 38 lb. loss.
Wrell, MLC is being a freakin' teenager in an older man's body.... hehehe....he will see the difference soon.
Have fun on your birthday, 47 is young! I am turning 50 this year myself....planning to have a big "over the hill" celebration.
Just updating....
Not too much happening. I am seeing H peek out from the fog occasionally. H has initiated contact with D16 twice to take her out for dinner. Last weekend was H's weekend with D16 and again he came to our house. I left for the weekend before he came and spent the weekend with my mother and visited with friends. When I cam back H was still here on Sunday, though D16 was spending the day with her bf. I was surprised to see him, and we sat and chit chatted for about an hour before he left. I couldn't believe he did not run off to be with OW. He also did some things around the house showing concern for me and D16, I take that as a positive as he hasn't really showed much concern the last 6 months. We met and finished taxes yesterday and I made sure that he made a copy for himself to have for next year. He said why, and I said, "you will being doing your own taxes next year" and he just said "ok". I have a gut feeling things are not going well with OW at the moment. He seems very depressed. But I just stayed upbeat and focused on making plans without him.
Today is my birthday and thought I really want to hear some acknowledgement from H, I am not expecting it. Really, he really didn't do much in the past for my birthday either, it is what it is.
Oh! I got a job!! I start on Monday. Very excited to finally have a job, and after I get a couple of paychecks under my belt I will be setting down with H to split finances. He needs to start being responsible for paying for his own bills and juggling a budget. He has been depositing his paycheck in our account and I have continued to pay the bills from that. He also does photography on the side and uses that money to finance his single life. But, that is all going to change. I want to to just take care of myself and D16 and not worry about his stuff. I want him to find a way to get his own place so he and D16 can have their time away from the house, I can't be running off to friends and family every other weekend indefinitely.
I am continuing to rely totally on God through out this process and it gives me so much peace. Each day I am thankful for all that God has shown and given me. I have grown in my relationship with Him and I am so grateful that even though this experience is so painful at times, God has used it to His advantage to bring me closer to Him. I am looking forward to Easter and all that brings into my and my D16's lives.
Blessings to all!
Well it has been awhile since I posted last so I thought I would update. OW has moved to town and H has now moved in with her. I have ended his every other weekend stays with D16 here at the house by her request. We went about 2 months w/o any R talk, but when I told him about D16 request, we talked more about the why he left. He just continues to bring up things he has done for me and how I never did anything. Basically rewriting history again. D16 is appalled by this as she does not remember things the way he does. You know all the things he says he did for me were part of being married, working together as a team and family. I know this is his MLC talking, but it hurts that he doesn't recognize any of the things I did for him. Needless to say, I have started packing all of his stuff up and putting it down in the basement. I am preparing to change the locks on the house. I am trying to do some home repairs in preparation of selling the house. The job I thought I had did not pan out so I am still looking for work.
I am still standing for my marriage, but I have decided to live as if he will never come back. I am keeping my focus on God and realize I can be happy single and being a mom. I actually love not having to worry about H right now and just focus on me and D16. She is so mature for her age and is really working though this, though she has refused to meet OW. I have talked to her about this and her R with her dad. I have told her it was okay to meet her and it was ok to like her. Her father's decisions do not have to mess up their relationship if she could learn to forgive him. She says she is not ready for that right now, and still feels OW took her place and doesn't want to meet her. So, it is what it is and now H does not have any weekend visits with her. He hasn't spoken to her since Sat. night and I am sad for her. I prayed he wouldn't take her decision so personally, but I guess he has. He was such a good father and now he [censored] at it and it makes me want to throw up! REALLY!!!!
The rain in our area has been really bad, and my basement has flooded many times, and it is frustrating that H is not here to help me with it. I did have a contractor out to give me an estimate on getting it fixed. We are talking around $20,000. I don't have that kind of money. Maybe after I get a job I can work out a payment plan or something. I just don't know right now, but basically my basement walls are buckling in and causing separation at the floor joints.
Blessings to all!
Lorie -
I'm glad to hear from you though I'm sorry about your current circumstances. Considering we live only a couple hours away - I guess it makes sense that our situations are so similar.
You have my prayers!
IB
Lorie I hear you on the home stuff. I added it up and since XH and I lived in my house for 15 years, it seems like EVERYTHING broke right after he left. He and I never had one appliance or anything "go" in the time he lived here. Once he left, about 7000.00 worth of stuff broke/had to be fixed. There was no stopping it. These were necessities, things like floors caving in, washing machine spilling water everywhere, etc. It's like he timed it perfectly to walk away and leave me with the headache and the bills.
That makes everything even MORE difficult.
I think your level of detachment, though, sounds emotionally very good for you, and I think you sound positive despite everything!!
Thanks IB and Antonia,
This house is very old and we have only lived in it for 5 years. But, I am sure that at some point things will all work out. I will either find the $$$ to fix it or be able to sell it as is. It really hurts to think about selling it, because when we bought it, H and I said it would be the home we retired in and I have done' so much outside landscaping and love it. Oh well, such is life.
I am detached, so much so it is freaking scary. I do still have my bad days and cry, but for the most part I am focused on living each day as if H is never coming back. I am praying for H and that is all I can do. Life goes on and I can't sit around waiting for his dumb a$$ to make a decision. One day he will wake up and see what he has left behind. By then we will see what happens, who knows what I will and will not be ready for.
Thanks for posting. Not too many post to me so I just post updates here for my own sanity. Love you guys!!!
Lorie, I don't mean to hijack your thread or anything, but I noticed your signature. It looks like your H has been out only a month longer than my W. I was just wondering how you got so detached so soon. I'm having a problem with it.
Tad
Tad,
I have been keeping up on your sitch and I am so sorry you are going through this. I have posted a couple of times to you, one of which I told you my H is a radio man too.
Anywhoo, I was able to detach though much prayer, crying, pain and self reflection. I have truly left my marriage and my H at the feet of Christ. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to leave it up to Him.
During my self reflection I have come to realize I was not a bad wife, not the one my H describes. I was a loving, caring and good wife. I am not perfect, but neither was he. We never argued and always sat and discussed problems. What I realize now, is his unhappiness is really his own issues, not mine. I have to let him go and my love for him is unconditional. I love him enough to let go and believe in God enough that if it is meant to be, then H will come back. I believe this with my whole being. I also have come to terms with facing the fears and not allow the fear to rule my life. I am and you are strong enough to survive this, not let fear rule us.
Things I am doing is:
Working on projects around the house for possible sale.
Packing up all H's belongings, yes he left these behind and only took essentials. I am putting the boxes in the basement so that I don't have to look at them.
Spend time with a few friends.
Be the best mom I can be for my daughter.
I pray daily for H and his salvation.
Oh, and I continue daily to look for a new job. I know once I get a job, H will probably file for D. So I am also preparing myself for that day by prayer and daily affirmations that I will make it through that day as well.
I am a good person, good friend, good mom, good daughter and yes, a good wife.
Tad, though I don't know you personally, from what I have read you too are a good person, good friend, good dad, and yes, a good husband. Remind yourself of those things everyday.
May God Bless you and keep you in his grace always!
Oh Lorie,
We just have to learn to love ourselves the most!
I just wanted to jump on here and wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. I have spent the weekend away at my brother's for my niece's college graduation. My whole family was there and it was so much fun. Everyone missed H, especially two of my nieces who had been so close to H. The one that graduated even texted him and said she wished he had come and missed him.
When we got home today, I fully expected H to have moved all his stuff out to OW's home. Which, I have conveniently boxed up for him and put in the basement. I knew he had been here because our neighbor who was watching the dog sent me a text saying H was at the house last night. I figured it was the time H would know we were out of town and he would get his stuff. Funny thing is, he didn't take a thing, but left me a Mother's Day card. It was nothing mushy or anything, just pretty straight forward for 'someone special'. I do believe that God is working on H and I just continue to pray for him.
Blessing to everyone!
Nothing new to report, just journaling here.
You know we are all working on ourselves as we pray for our spouses to come out of MLC. We detatch, take care of ourselves, our children and move forward. You know though, I have struggled with finding any major issue that I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage because all H has done is blame me for his decisions, saying I made him do this or that, though I swear I have never forced my husband to do anything. I know most major decisions were discussed and compromises were made on both sides. Sometimes there were even sacrifices in order to help the other in a personal or family journey. But, finally today I realized, I too am at fault for never really confessing to my husband the times he hurt my feelings, when he disappointed me or when I was just unhappy. For the past seven months I have been infuriated and appalled the H never came and told me when he was unhappy though he never seemed that way. I too am at fault here because I did not to that either. I built up those walls of resentment unconsciously. When I was saying, it's okay, I love him and I will get over it, I was really building those walls which in turn made me a very defensive wife. Which is one of H's biggest complaints, I was so defensive.
Question now is, how do I show him I am no longer defensive??
I just love these light bulb moments, don't you??
Blessings,
For the past seven months I have been infuriated and appalled the H never came and told me when he was unhappy though he never seemed that way.
Amen Lorie!
I would swear my W was happy up until she found OM. She told S16 yesterday that she was unhappy for 5 years. (Sometimes she says 10 or 12.) Really? WTF?
Tad
I think since you are no longer defensive you just embrace the fact that you have improved yourself and let it go. If you have interactions with him maybe he will see this change in you, but if you push to show the change, it just comes off like you're pushing to get him back again, and you're SO good with giving this over to God and time and that behavior would run counter to that. So my advice is to just "be." You're doing beautifully all on your own for now.
Tad, I know!! My H waffles between the times he has been unhappy. I really believe it is the MLC craziness. I do believe H was unhappy during moments in our M, but weren't we all, and he is now using those momnents as justifications for their current actions. One day it will all come crashing down around them, because what problems they had then in their unhappiness they will carry to subsequent relationships.
Antonia, I am leaving this all in God's hands and you are right about just being. I have always subscribed to the "you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar" philosophy. I am taking my new revelations with me daily walking with forgiveness in my heart and happiness in my step everyday. I will see H this afternoon for my daughter's Theatre Banquet with those feelings. God is awesome, and shows me daily His goodness and grace for me.
Blessings to all!
Well, H did not show up for the Theatre Banquet! D16 is very disappointed. This was so important to her as she was inducted into ITS and once again H is missing out on her day to day life. I can't even say I am angry about it, just more sad for D16. This is the first time he has been a no show. I hope it isn't a predictor of the future.
Journaling--
Though I have not written much, I read these boards regularly and contribute when I can. Through most of this I have been pretty okay for the most part. But for some reason, starting on Sunday, I have broken down sobbing everyday. I am feeling so alone. I have friends, but they all work and have families and don't really check in on me anymore. I go days at a time without any real adult human contact. I think I have crawled back into my shell and really am struggling to reach out to my friends. I can't really talk to my mom who just gets so angry about this whole sitch and at H. I just don't want to listen to it. I am still looking for a job and I am struggling financially. I am thankful that D16 has found a job and that will help. I am continuing to paint and prepare to put my house up for sale. Hopefully I will have a realtor come next month.
I have lost my peace this week and can't seem to find it right now. I am still praying and looking to God daily. But I feel like I am back at day one. Really, the pain is so physical and crippling at times. I am at a loss right now. I need a kick in the butt. I just want it all to stop. I want to find my dream job and a nice pace for me and D16 to live that I can afford and enjoy. All the upkeep here at the house is overwhelming at times.
Okay, maybe this journaling will help get me out of the pity party I am having!!
Lorie -
I am so sorry you are experiencing these difficult times! Your faith has been a source of strength / keep turning upwards and inwards.
IB
Our neighborhood was hit by a tornado last night. We are fine and there were no injuries. God spared my house of any major damage. H came out to the neighborhood but really only doing his job, very professional and all. H is news director at the radio station. Anywhooo I hug him and told him I loved him and just needed to say it due to the hell D16 and I just endured. He just said 'I know you do.'
He was so cold and if you knew my H before he would have been emotional. He wasn't even comforting to D16. He is so lost and not even the man I married. It is just so sad.
Again, I am thanking God we were spared and protected by God.
Blessings to everyone.
Thank you, and I should say everyone is okay here, nothing like Joplin. Just a lot of cleaning up and rebuilding.
Lorie - so glad you are safe. Know the pain of that coldness from XH all too well. Keep moving forward. - IB
Lorie it must be an amazing effort on his part to pull of that emotionless state. Probably later he loses it completely. I've even heard that exact "I know you do" phrase. Just try to fixate on other things instead of that and I'm glad you and your daughter are ok.
Thanks everyone, I am so glad that I have this place to vent and get such support. Antonia, I really have not fixated on what happened last night after I wrote it here this morning. I got busy helping with the clean up in the neighborhood and just being with neighbors. H texted once and said he was looking for a chainsaw to take care of tree in the back that came down. I texted him back and said don't worry about it, I got it taken care of and he asked who and all I said was 'a friend' and left it at that. I really didn't want to talk with him about what was going on here, if he cared he would be here, so I really just took care of everything myself. His parents told me tonight they are so proud of me for handling everything with such grace and dignity. Of course they would help me with anything I needed. I thanked them and told them I really had it all under control.
I will say, I am so tired and my body hurts all over, but it is a good satisfied feeling of taking care of me and D16. I think I miss that by not having a job. Please continue to pray for me to get a job. There are two school counseling jobs I have applied for and I would love either of these positions. That is what I have my Master's in and it would be my dream job.
Blessings to all!
((((hugs ))))
Keep on praying Lorie.
Lorie just catching up on your post. Wow what an ordeal you've just gone through. I'm glad you are D are safe and well.
Thanks Red,
I am still awaiting the insurance adjuster. I need to get him here to get the damage fixed and then complete my painting and hopefully putting the house on the market this month sometime.
I would like to ask everyone to pray for me and my job hunt. I have put in for four school counseling positions and this would be my dream job. It is what I got my Master's for, so please pray I get one of these jobs. I know that the job does not start until August, but I know I would have peace of mind knowing I would have a job starting in August. I can squeak by on my unemployment until then. Just say prayers.
Update on sitch, not much going on there. My car battery died and my in-laws let me borrow the money to get a new one and H came and changed it out. He is still deeply in MLC, everything is about him. I did find it interesting that the last few times of contact he has always been at the radio station, where normally he would not have been. It seems he is making himself more important and in-disposable to the station and becoming a workaholic. Me thinks things with OW may not be as great as it once was as he should be spending more time with her than at work. But I try not to read too much into it. I have no idea what he is doing and try really hard not to care.
My D16 starts work today, but the poor thing is sick. She is going to try to go in for her shift which is 4 hours and see if she can make it through. I told her it would look better if she at least tries, since it is her first day. We had a fun-filled weekend going to many graduation parties and a visit from friend.
Today I am getting back to the painting, cleaning the walls and preparing to paint. Hopefully start painting tomorrow or Thursday.
Blessings to all!
Ill say a prayer for you tonight Lorie. And Ill have my fingers, toes, arms, knees, legs, eyes crossed as well
PS I hope you're right about the OW situation.
Thanks Red! I hope I'm right about OW too. But it really doesn't matter because he is deep into MLC. He is in Gods hands now. Nothing I say or do will make his choices and I have to make mine. I will stand for my marriage as long as God tells me to stand. But I am moving forward everyday.
You're right Lorie, it doesnt matter if he is or isnt with OW. I know this, you know this but it sure would make you feel better to know for sure, wouldnt it? I think the OW is the hardest part of MLC. The betrayal, the lost of trust, the lies, the emotional attachment, the physical acts......its all so painful.
I was doing so well up until a few days ago. I stopped "googling" her name. Then I started again. I dont know what Im looking for or hoping to see? All I see is this ugly person staring at me. I dont know what H sees in her? Ive shown her picture to my two close friends. They were like WTF? And their husbands said H had obviously lost his mind. Well they dont call it affair down for no reason. I did see that her profile got taken off their company website. I dont think that means anything though. Maybe she got fired? Ha! Wishful thinking on my part!
I havent looked at Hs bank account. I think because I know that it would hurt me alot to see what he's up to.
Is your H living with OW?
My H affaired down too. Everyone is amazed when they see her. Yes, he is living with her which hurts D16 very much. I personally believe that he living with her could cause it to end sooner. But again, who knows? The pride and stubbornness may cause him to stick with it. I'm just glad I don't have to see it. I know the first time I see them together it will hurt. But for now I am avoiding being around anyplace they may be.
If it is MLC they affair down. This is because of deeply felt inadequacy - they find someone they feel 'better' than, and to whom they will be a white knight. Because they feel inadequate the person they find will surprise us and most of the people who know them.
I realise we would say that they affair down, but I think most of us are sane enough to know when it is a relationship of 'equals' even if we do not like the person.
Doesn't mean the affair will end quickly though: sometimes they stay with OP for a long time
Beatrice,
Reading these boards give me such insight on all of this, and the A. I don't know when it will end, but I do know the MLC is crazy land and she may be the most beautiful and intelligent person to him right now and that is his life to live. I just know I have to live mine. I know the A will run its course and though I hope sooner than later, I have no expectations at this point. It is what it is, I still hurt over it at times and at others I see that I am worth so much more and deserve to live my life as I see fit. I don't even feel as if I am waiting anymore. I am not waiting for him to miraculously see his mistakes or the hurt he has caused. I am no longer waiting for him to just want to come home anymore. I am no longer waiting for him to see what he has lost. I am moving forward and keeping my faith focused on what God wants me to do for myself and D16.
Well, I guess it is time to start another thread.