Time for a new thread
Here is a link to the old
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2096890&page=22Still trying to process the fact that I am going to be divorced but doing ok...
Last night, I had a thought, an analogy of some sort
When I found out I had breast cancer...I was not surprised given my family history...I expected to get it and I did. I had surgery, all looked good and thought it had been taken care of, that I was done and life would go back to normal.
Then, the oncologist recommended chemo...I was devastated! I didn't think I'd have to do that but he said there might be little reble cancer cells floating around in my body and that we wanted to be sure and get them all so that the chances of it coming back would go down!
So...I did it...there was lots of things I didn't like about it but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and here I am, 2 yrs later...surviving!
Now...replace the word cancer with MLC...replace the word chemo with divorce...a divorce may have to happen in order for the MLC to go away and stay away for good this time. I don't like it...I don't want it...but it is happening!!! And I will survive!
Last night, I am laying in bed feeling sorry for myself...I got a phone call from a client. She had shared with me that she had a lump and was waiting for the results of her biopsy the last time I did her hair. She told me last night that she did indeed have breast cancer and wanted to talk. Not 5 mins after I got off the phone with her, it rang again and it was my brother...I didn't answer. (I just figured he wanted to chat or ask about my sitch and I didn't feel like talking about it)
Well, he called back today. He suspects his wife is having an EA. She has been taking her phone with her everywhere and texting all the time etc etc. He looked on the phone bill and saw the number she has been testing is a guy they work with...
Yep....
Now...replace the word cancer with MLC...replace the word chemo with divorce...a divorce may have to happen in order for the MLC to go away and stay away for good this time. I don't like it...I don't want it...but it is happening!!! And I will survive!
Yes, you will! Courageous all the way. Did you tell your kids? What do you do next? And this is the not the final paper step, either.
How are you feeling about it today?
As for your brother...I am so sorry to hear that. What steps did he take so far?
Sorry to hear about your brother's situation. Hope that they are able to work things out.
You can do it CW. Survival of the fittest and obviously you are one fit person!
Hi NM
Haven't told the kids yet about the latest...they know that their Dad filed for a D. No, this is not the final step...the agreement that his L wrote up is a joke...I will have to file a counter-one...this is where my fear comes in and will have to be overcome!
My brother, unfortuantely, has already talked with many of his co-workers, he and his wife both work at the same plant...he plans to confront her...I asked him if he was prepared for the outcome either way and he said yes...honeslty, they have been "roomates" for several years...my other brother told me in the beginning of mine that he thought if anyone in our family got D'd, it would have been this brother and not me and H. Told him to not move out of the house....
CW -
I think your analogy fits beautifully. I do think MLC is like a cancer. It poisons what was once healthy. Divorce as chemo fits as well - it's supposed to "heal" - and in ways it does. But it also changes many, many things. Your appetite, hair texture, sensitivity, tolerances, - you are you but different.
I too am very sorry for your brother. I have a friend whose husband has entered the tunnel and she is devastated. They have always had significant problems however she has 2 teenage boys who are watching their dad become an adolescent in front of their eyes. Hanging with college kids, partying til all hours, being foolish.
I look forward to a time when I can share my life with someone (married or not) and just enjoy the moments. Holding grandkids, reading, golfing, ...I'm really not looking for more - just looking forward to enjoying all I have!
Have a great day! You are amazing!
Thankyou mystik and IB for stopping by!
Mystik-I wouldn't describe myself as fit...still wrestling with the "why's" and the "what did I do's to deserve this" but I am noticing that they are not as much!
IB-I am sorry to hear about your friends situation! TG she has a friend like you for support! You can enjoy all that you have now IB!!!
Well, off to work and then....work!
Tomorrow we are doing dinner with SS and family and then trick or treating!
When I found out I had breast cancer...I was not surprised given my family history...I expected to get it and I did. I had surgery, all looked good and thought it had been taken care of, that I was done and life would go back to normal.
Then, the oncologist recommended chemo...I was devastated! I didn't think I'd have to do that but he said there might be little reble cancer cells floating around in my body and that we wanted to be sure and get them all so that the chances of it coming back would go down!
So...I did it...there was lots of things I didn't like about it but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and here I am, 2 yrs later...surviving!
Now...replace the word cancer with MLC...replace the word chemo with divorce...a divorce may have to happen in order for the MLC to go away and stay away for good this time.
CW, I REALLY liked this analogy! It has really helped me to look at my situation from a different perspective.
Jody told me that after counseling for 30 some years she has come to realize that there are relatively few quality men and women out there. I think that many of the people on this board.........including YOU..........fall into that category. H's MLC is about him and unfinished business from the past.
I watched Oprah's interview with Tyler Perry a week ago. It was very interesting. He was $exually, emotionally, and physically abused as a child and said that he has had a difficult time in Rs with women (he is single). That was interesting to me because he writes such sensitive and positive movies. You can tell that he has done a lot of work on himself...........At one point in the interview he said that it has taken him a long time to figure out what triggers in the environment made him shut down emotionally. He is still figuring this out. ............CW, my point is, you probably don't know all the triggers your H may have that made him shut down emotionally.
Have a good weekend!
GAG
Thanks GAG!
You know...it is kinda sad really...I DO NOT know much about H's childhood at all! His sisters are 7yrs younger and are not "remembering" anything either! So...it is true that I do not know most of his triggers! I was married to this man for 16yrs! Crazy!
About me....thankyou for saying that I fall into the quality category but the truth is...I have my own unfinished business from my past...I am pretty sure it has been a factor in my R with H...really...who doesn't have something?
Look at my brother...he is now going thru the same thing! We used to joke about the "insert maiden name" luck...if it wasn't for bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all! Is there something about us that can't seem to handle a R? My youngest brother (age 43) never M and hasn't really had any serious R's!!!
Thankyou for posting what Jody said and the story about Tyler Perry! I hope you have a great weekend too!
CW I think a lot of us wonder if there is something wrong with us for not being able to
"handle an R." But who was the one who couldn't handle it, really...you know? Our spouses.
But it is normal,I have heard, to wonder what is wrong with US. Normal doesn't mean it's right, though.
Let yourself eat a lot of chocolate today if you want it.
Sorry to hear that your brother started telling people already--does he have evidence of his wife's EA?
CW, I do know my H's childhood history and stuff. Don't know what his triggers are but suspect that one of them is the age of our son. So at times I do wonder if he is in an affair fog or an MLC fog. Either way, he's not here.
I have my own unfinished business from my past...I am pretty sure it has been a factor in my R with H...really...who doesn't have something?
CW I think a lot of us wonder if there is something wrong with us for not being able to
"handle an R." But who was the one who couldn't handle it, really...you know? Our spouses.
But it is normal,I have heard, to wonder what is wrong with US. Normal doesn't mean it's right, though.
CW, I agree ... who doesn't have something? IMO, the gift or the silver lining in our sitchs is the opportunity we have to get real with ourselves and take the time to really dig deep and process any of the baggage that we carried into our marriages. A lot of us had been in these relationships since our late teens or early twenties and coasted on autopilot never truly learning adult and mutual communication and relationship skills. The levels of codependance, poor boundaries, lack of skills ... are all things we can change.
Newmama, I'm not saying we are to blame for our sitchs, but we are certainly partially responsible for the dynamic which existed in our marriages. No one is perfect, so although our S's ran, we are not without faults. In the early days we take on far too much responsibility for what led to the bomb. Agreed. But if we hope to avoid similar sitchs in the future, with our H's or with a new partner, we must examine the patterns and interactions which got us here in the first place.
This journey has been enlightning and life saving for me. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"I've felt the fire and I've been burned,
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned."
~ Pink, Crystal Ball
Peace
PEI
Agreed. I think it's harder to figure out what OUR triggers and unproductive behavioral patterns are. It's MUCH easier to see what someone else is doing/did (i.e. WAS).
David Schnarch says that M is a people growing machine that helps us to figure those things out. Many of us are processing that information from our Ms, but In the absence of having a partner to "bump against" and learn those things from right now, these boards are a great place for introspection and to figure out how we need to change.
GAG
Thankyou for your insights everyone!
Hi CW,
Like many here, your analogy of the cancer/chemo vs MLC/divorce touched me...and I know that you will survive the "dose" of divorce if it comes to that.
So sorry to hear about your brother, I feel for him
(((hugs)))
Thanks Mila
Talked with my brother this morning...he confronted his wife...she is denying...I think he is done though...said he is calling an L today...I feel terrible for them all but honestly, I don't know how he has lived like roomates all these years! I am always uncomfortable when I go to their house! They don't communicate at all!
I took care of some of my own business today...called and made an appt with my L to work on a counter-settlement agreement and registered for the required parenting class.
(((CW)))
I know this is not what you want.
Keep your chin up sweetie. Better days are ahead.
CW,
Word of advice. You love your bro, but don't take it on your plate, Your plate is full enough. That is what I was doing with my D's marital problems. They are grown and have to make their own mistakes. I'm really sorry about your Brother, but try not to, how do I say this, let it become your problem.
Thanks SA!
Punkin...I promise to just support my brother from the sidelines!
Just got a phone call from H's cousin. H's uncle passed away. H and I went to this cousins wedding when S15 was just a few weeks old. He and H were close growing up but we haven't seen him since then...he lives in another state. I believe that this uncle was the one remaining sibling to H's Dad...anyway, I told him I was very sorry to hear that and said that H and I were separated but I was sure he would like to talk to him and gave him his cell phone #.
Good work CW. You were honest and open, paid your respects, and gave cousin the number to call H himself. You are not his secretary, to put it coldly. You also gave the family the head's up they might not have had previously.
Thanks punkin..
Well today is the day I see my L about a counter property settlement...after re-reading the one from H and his L, I can see that H put little thought into it...in fact, his L stated in the cover letter that since she hadn't heard from my L, she took the liberty of writing one up so that we can get it settled!
I hope that my L and I will come up with something that will take care of the kids and I but not totally rake H over the coals.
Wish me luck!
CW, I am wishing you luck. As for raking your H over the coals, I think you know that you are not trying to "take him for all he's worth" due to anger, resentment, betrayal, etc. You truly are trying to make sure you have financial security. SO please don't feel guilty!
I was thinking that because we were married, we had different money decisions/choices/options whatever you want to say. Like I wouldn't be living where I am if it weren't for H, and have accrued certain bills, etc. SOOO because of the decision to divorce, our H's have obligations that they wouldn't have if they stayed married. Sucks for them but it was their choice. We are left with the financial consequences of the marriage (whatever they may be) so it is only fair that they help out with that.
CW,
This is a very emotional process. Are you able to communicate productively with H? If you think you and H can negotiate terms of the agreement by meeting together, you can both save money on L's fees and it is an opportunity to supercharge your 180s (Jody always told me this). H/XH and I bonded during this process over our mutual disdain for our Ls.
GAG
Hi NM and GAG
I was thinking that because we were married, we had different money decisions/choices/options whatever you want to say. Like I wouldn't be living where I am if it weren't for H, and have accrued certain bills, etc. SOOO because of the decision to divorce, our H's have obligations that they wouldn't have if they stayed married. Sucks for them but it was their choice.
NM...as always, you are able to show me a different way to look at things! And, yes "I" know that I would not be doing this out of resentment, anger and betrayal but I know H is going to think that!
Sweet GAG!
Are you able to communicate productively with H?
I haven't seen him since July when I dared to ask him if he was happy and we have only talked briefly on the phone a couple of times about business since then. He chose to file for a D and surprise me with the papers...when I asked him about talking to the kids he blew up and said "this is what YOU wanted"...I don't think he is wanting to face me...it is much easier for him to do this thru his L. Same now with the property settlement...he and his L "took the liberty" of having something drawn up! I only wish we could communicate!
So, the meeting with the L went well...only needed one kleenex and that was when we were discussing the parenting plan and holidays!
My L said that it was obvious that H's new L contacted him to get things moving. The agreement was poorly written. H's L said that her client didn't think there would be much dispute over property or custody issues!
There are several things that I do indeed have issues with including our rental property (he wants me to sign it over to him and I keep our marital home which we owe $20,000 more than it is worth right now). He doesn't want to give me half of his retirement which I am entitled to. He doesn't want to pay for health ins for me during the 6mo waiting period for the D to be final...but, this is the kicker...THIS is how I KNOW that either he didn't read this thing or he has truly lost it! The agreement states that the property that is in each of out possession right now belongs to us....so...I have a garage full of tools and collectibles that are his but according to that agreement...they are now MINE...a basement full of gun/reloading stuff/darkroom equipment etc that are now MINE and a couple of antiques from his parents that are now MINE...according to this agreement!
He is definitely not of sound mind or body! I will not take advantage of that but it just shows me where his head is at!!!
I will not take advantage of his "illness" !!!
I have to get some updated paperwork together for my L...we do not have a set time limit and she is willing to drag this out as long as I want......she wants to go for as much as possilbe...that is how this game is played...I would like to prolong it thru the holidays if I can....nothing has to be decided right now!
Sounds like you have a good lawyer and H is just way out in outerspace right now. Hope that this process goes easy on you, difficult as it is.
CW,
Sorry that communication is so difficult with H. I haven't seen you post much about him so I wasn't certain. How long can this take in your state? Would there be any benefit to having a separation agreement? That wasn't an option in my state but we don't have children. From what I've read, if there are children involved the process takes longer, parenting classes may be mandatory, etc.
Do you live in a small, medium, or big town? A friend of mine just received a very favorable decision from a judge. She lives in a small town and the judge took a personal interest in her story when one of the detectives investigating her XH's complaint found out from her interview all of the highjinks her XH was pulling. Just sayin' that it might be possible to get more personal attention if a judge realizes that the respondent is being treated unfairly.
((((((( CW ))))))))))
GAG
I do need to take a parenting class and did get registered for that finally!
I live in a very small town...pop. less than 200...H lives in a different county now and since he filed in that county...I am not sure of anything! My Aunt works at that courthouse...maybe she will have some pull with the judge! lol
Fantastic! An inside man. Wish I could have that. Your Aunt really may be able to give you some inside scoop on the goings on. After all, anything filed in the court house is public domain unless otherwise sealed. She could give you a head's up when you need one.
My H is in outerspace right now also. Perhaps mine and yours could hook up for dinner.
Have a great Sunday.
CW - you are on the same time line with me and I see that you are going through the Separation Agreement at this time as well. My H didn't file yet and I'm the one who initiated the SA. It's hard isn't it to see your past life being ripped apart and reduced to a piece of paper.
But we will get through this as well
....things can only get better right?
(((hugs)))
Hey punkin! Maybe my Aunt knows someone that works at the courthouse in Arkansas!!!
Yes Mila...it seems we are at about the same point in this! But, your H at least shows some regret and emotion...mine has been pretty steadfast in all of this...I think I forgot what he looks like!
And, things WILL get better...we can only go up from here!
I see you are worried about what your H will think of your actions regarding the finances...if you care, all you need to do is remind him that this is just about you trying to survive with the kids and you can come right out and say that you aren't being vindictive and don't want to "take him for all he's worth."
you know? No mind games necessary or mysterious 180 actions- there is a time and place to speak the truth in a tactful way and be straight forward about it!
How are you feeling today?
oh and I don't know as much about MLC as you all do, but if he needs a rock bottom wake up call, nothing like depleting his bank accounts to help! (ok that was a little "tongue in cheek" of me!)
Hi NM!!!
I really am doing ok! I am a little fearful of what the settlement agreement may do but the one he and his L wrote up is as equally ridiculous...we will see what happens!
A little update...
H called yesterday to tell me he had been cutting wood and asked about switching vehicles so that he could load it up (I have the truck)...he sounded very unsure of himself...I agreed (I had told him awhile back he could use the truck for hauling).
He called this morning saying he was on his way and should he come here or my work..told him my work. He got there a couple of minutes after I did...went straight to the truck and left.
I left his mail and a short note saying that the kids and I appreciate him cutting wood for us and that I was sorry to hear about the passing of his Uncle...that was it....
CW - I guess nice of him to cut the wood for you....and good DBing leaving a nice note for him.
CW,
Glad your H did what he said he was going to and got some wood in for you.
Good job leaving him the note!
(((Hugs)))
CW,
(SIGH) I haven't had any wood in a long time. LOL
CW,
(SIGH) I haven't had any wood in a long time. LOL
LOL! Wiping my coffee off my computer screen right now!
(SIGH) I haven't had any wood in a long time. LOL
!!!!!!!!!!!
GAG
lol about the wood!!!! good one!
Why would your H be unsure about switching vehicles? Was he unsure about how to act with you, in general, I wonder?
Well done on the note. I still think about being "authentic" during the DB times and regardless of how your H is acting, the real CW would be appreciative and compassionate about his loss.
Punkin - the wood comment ....You crack me up hahahaha...Thanks for that....I guess it shows us where our minds are
Hi NM
Yes, I think he was "unsure" of how to ask or approach the subject...I had told him months ago that he could use the truck for that purpose.
Thanks Mila for stopping by
We could alway send a trailer load of 2x4's
We could alway send a trailer load of 2x4's
LOL! Got another load of wood today!
Thought I'd journal my convo with H today. He called this morning to ask about what S15 had going on today as this weekend is the weekend he sees the kids.
He asked me if the truck had been running ok for me as it was hard for him to start this morning. Told his I'd put a new battery in and it seemed ok.
Went on to tell me that he wished I would have called him as that battery that was in there was only about a year old and would have still be under warranty.
Then he said he had another load of wood and would drop it off when he picked up D12 and then they were going to SS's to watch the grandson's for a little while until SS got home.
He went on about the chimney and how it should be ok to go ahead and burn but that he'd clean it soon. Told him S15 mentioned getting on the roof and doing it and I said absolutely not and H agreed wholeheartedly so I said thankyou for being with me on that!
Talked about the truck some more...
Have to say he was Mr. Chatty this morning for not having talked with him for so long! I felt like we were talking as we would if we were still together...weird! When I hung up, I remembered that we really didn't finish talking about S15 but had to run to get to work so let it go...
On the way, he calls my cell phone to talk about S15 and if he was still going to get to see him so I told him I could mbring him and meet somewhere when he got home later today.
Anyway, wondered if I was too friendly with the convo when I hung up but a good friend reminded me that at this stage in the game...does it really matter? He is the father to my children and I want to have a good relationship with him no matter what!
Saw our first snow last night! Luckily, it didn't stick and the sun was out today!
Oh geez! I forgot something.
He told me that he put a new door handle in the truck...(it broke off a couple of weeks ago). Said it was driving him crazy having to roll the window down to open the door. Told him thanks and that I'd pay him and he said it was only $17 and took 15mins to put in so to not worry about it!
I am sure he misses you, CW, even while he is with OW. I agree with your friend- what does it matter at this point if you are too friendly or not. You can just be you.
I admit I feel some freedom on the interactions since we divorced. So I hope you start to feel some of that. Again, who knows what life will bring in 1-3 years from now?
Now please promise that the next time he says he paid for something that you don't offer to pay!!! Remember that you are working multiple jobs and struggling- it is the least he can do
(in my case I am fortunate that exH is paying more than he has to so for certain things I will offer to pay part but I wouldn't if he wasn't being generous)
Wow CW,
Sounds like you had a very positive convo with your H! I think you handled it very well. Good on you!
I'm glad he brought you another load of heating material. (Won't mention the word as it might get Punkin started again. LOL)
Is someone talking about W-O-O-D over here???????????
GAG
CW,
Your interaction with H sounds very positive. With positive interactions like this, H won't be able to help but compare you to OW.
GAG
Thanks NM, SA and GAG!
I am all about positive!!! I will try and not mention a certain 4 letter wood..I mean word!
Want to journal this....
S15 had something going on today so when he got home, had him call his Dad where we should meet to drop him off. We met about halfway between our towns at a sandwich shop. S hadn't eaten yet so went in to grab a sandwich. H pulls up on my side of the car and I see D12 smiling and waving...I rolled down the window to tell them S was in the store and D and H both get out of the truck. D gets to the car first and says "OW is in the back seat" I just said "oh...ok" and H comes around and leans against the car casually, and we we chit chat and joke and D pokes fun of me learning how to drive the little car again after the big truck (the shifter is in a different spot and I turned on the wipers instead!). I poked fun at myself and H laughed. He glanced over at the truck a couple of times...S FINALLY came out and we said goodbye! I don't know how I held it together knowing OW was back there...the kids got in the truck and would have been a perfect opportunity to look in the back and see her but I didn't...looked at them and waved...both kids and H were in the front and they all smiled and waved back....I drove away and bawled my little heart out for the next 15mis....
What does it all mean Basil??? (Austin Powers)
Good for you for holding it together knowing OW was there in the truck. No way could I have done that.
CW -
Awesome exchange:)
IB
CW,
It sounds as though you handled yourself with poise and grace. If I was OW, I would have been annoyed at seeing that. It's possible that she may nag H about it. You might want to prepare yourself for a possible withdrawal from H.
GAG
I second GAG on all accounts but you were so strong to not quickly walk away from the car or show you were upset or anything negative.
You (acted) comfortable, you joked around, you DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT HER. I hope she felt so small and ashamed!!!
CW - your strength is really showing through...that was awesome how you handled yourself...but I can imagine how much that took out of you.
I like how you ignored the OW...
CW,
I agree, you handled the sitch extremely well!
My question is - why was ow sitting in the back seat of the truck? Am I the only one that thinks that's a little strange?
Even though CW's H brought ow along with, at least he got out of the truck and came over to the car to talk to her so therefore making sure she didn't get out and have to see the ow.
(((Hugs)))
Seeking,
You're right on both counts! It IS odd that OW was riding in the back seat.
GAG
Good for you for holding it together knowing OW was there in the truck.
It sounds as though you handled yourself with poise and grace
Thankyou everyone for your confidence in me!
I can imagine how much that took out of you.
Let's just say I had to come home and have a couple of drinks...not really so strong afterall!
I just did the above post and decided to just come out and ask D12 how she rated getting to sit in the front seat with her Dad?
She looked at me kinda puzzled.....
IS EVERYONE READY FOR A GOOD LAUGH????
D12 just explained that she meant that OW went with them cutting wood...she was NOT in the truck afterall....
Is everyone laughing along with me...only my laugh sounds like it belongs to someone in a straight jacket...and my left eye is twitching and I woke with a headache for no reason!!!
But again...thankyou for all of the kinds words and responses! At least we know that I will be able to handle it if it does happen!
CW,
Glad your H didn't bring ow along after all.
You've had two positive encounters with your H in two days! Nice to hear of him peeking out of the tunnel and keeping his word in bringing you heating material!
CW,
Just another example that things are not always as they appear to be. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry you went through that emotional episode. This will be a good reminder next time to not make assumptions (I know that it is hard not to do. I am guilty myself.)
I agree with Seeking. You HAVE had some positive interactions!
GAG
Just another example that things are not always as they appear to be. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!
Was is Churchill that said?
The only thing we have to fear is "fear" itself.
Hi SA, GAG and Lance!
Yes, too bad I went thru all that last night but as you said...@ positive experiences happened so that is always a good thing!
Made it through work at the restaurant tonight with only 1 screw up so that is also a good thing!
Getting ready to relax and begin another week!
CW - Take this episode as dry run. Now you know that you'll be OK should that happen for real. I hope OW was helping to chop and load the wood for you...that would be priceless.
I had a hearty laugh when I read she wasn't even there!!!
Hey, at least it was good practice.
Someone commented that they thought it was odd for OW to be in the back seat. Good point! But at the same time, subconsciously I didn't even bat an eyelash when I read that because I think I was actually assuming she would be in the back
1) because she is a coward and wouldn't have to see you
2) because the kids insist on sitting in the front and don't respect her enough to let her sit there without whining
3)because she needs to be shamed. (scarlet letter A)
What! No More wood???? This was becomeing my favorite site on the Boards. What with the wood thing and all. LOL
We are now referring to it as heating material.....
Politically correct I like it LOL
We are now referring to it as heating material.....
Oh..........so that's what we're calling it these days.
GAG
I wish I had "heating material" but not wood!
I wish I had "heating material" but not wood!
I don't suppose you would like to explain the above to us Lance??? LOL
You are wasting your time. I can work with 'heating material' as well as wood. Does your heating material work on batteries or electric????
I wish I had "heating material" but not wood!
I don't suppose you would like to explain the above to us Lance??? LOL
NOPE!!! That would not be possible.
but I like this
You are wasting your time. I can work with 'heating material' as well as wood. Does your heating material work on batteries or electric????
After having had a couple of positive encounters last week with H, I saw the other day that he had used out joint acct to pay the CC bill that he is supposed to be taking care of. Waited a day and gave him a call. He apologized and said that they asked him if they chould take the payment out of the acct they have on file and he thought it was his new one so said yes. He said he'd bring cash to cover it the next day.
Well, H did follow thru with dropping off the money...he also dropped off another load of wood. He called me at work to tell me where he put the cash so that I would find it and apologized again saying that he didn't mean for it to come out of the joint acct.
The other night I went to the required parenting class. The instructor asked ages of our kids and how new the divorce was to them and boy, there are a lot of hurt people out there. She really wasn't asking for the story behind the divorce but people were sure unloading! Had I gone to this class in the beginning, I think I would have been a mess but since I have had time to let it sink in and accept...I truly felt like I was one of the most pulled together peole there! I took away a lot from the class and believe that every state should have something like that in place.
Been awful busy this week and sure hope to get caught up on everyone else's threads soon!!!
CW,
You are right. That sounds like something every state should require. It would help out so many people that either A) Don't think they need help, or B) Don't know where to start. We on this Board were just lucky enough while trolling around to find it, and each other.
CW, more wood, huh?
I heard that CW was getting some more wood over here again!
.........and why is it that whenever the topic of "wood" comes up, that Punkin is right there?????
Well, H did follow thru with dropping off the money...he also dropped off another load of wood. He called me at work to tell me where he put the cash so that I would find it and apologized again saying that he didn't mean for it to come out of the joint acct.
CW, GOOD for you for not reacting to the unexpected charge to your joint account!!!! It can be so easy to overreact at times. This situation turned out to be a positive interaction for you and H.
We're proud of you!
GAG
Good for you CW. Another positive interaction! You're really getting this DBing stuff down pat!
Getting your 'heating material' set for the winter is an added plus!
Pun...I do think it is good and that they should require a refresher course (which, I guess they do if you go back to court to change something) as my co-worker told me that she and her H went but niether one of them are following it very well!
One of the things that stood out to me was that they recommended that you did not introduce a new person in your children's lives for at least a year after the D....wish I could see the look on H's face when he is at his class!
and why is it that whenever the topic of "wood" comes up, that Punkin is right there?????
That is a good question GAG!
CW, GOOD for you for not reacting to the unexpected charge to your joint account!!!!
GAG...you didn't see me at home! I did react but no one was here to see it! lol! I just didn't "react" to H!!!
HI SA!!! I wouldn't say "down pat" at all but I'm learning!!!
CW - good to hear that your H is being nicer to you lately...you are doing good job responding....keep it going
(((hugs)))
CW,
Yesterday I was thinking about your H bringing wood to your home and the thought occurred to me that the decision you made last summer to stay in your house might be paying off. It's possible that your H bringing wood to you might be a thread between the two of you (like TT for me) that has the potential to grow as H attends the mandatory classes and has the opportunity to think about his decision.
Keep being that "firefly" that I described from my session with Jody. The holidays are a perfect time to fill your house with scents and homey visual images. According to research, cinnamon is supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men. I always burned a Yankee Candle called "Home Sweet Home" (a nice cinnamon scent) when H/XH came to visit. He commented on how much he liked the scent and I once caught him looking at the label, trying to figure out which scent it was.
I bought several of them at TJ Max's home store once.
GAG
Thanks GAG!
H promising to cut wood last summer when he was trying to convince me to stay here was big part of why I made that decision to stay. Boy, I hope the class does make him think...
My brother is wasting no time...had D papers drawn up and gave them to his W...I honestly think they were both "done" a long time ago but her EA pushed my brother to his limit...
According to research, cinnamon is supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men.
Funny you wrote that as I have a Scentsy warmer and just got a new fragrance "cinnamon clove" for it and the whole house smells like cinnamon! I always thought that vanilla was the scent that men were attracted to....
CW,
I've read that both cinnamon and vanilla work for men. If I recall correctly, cinnamon is supposed to work for women too, along with something else........I forget.
GAG
CW- Reading about sitches like how your brother wanted the D so badly that he quickly took action adds to the confusion of why our spouses didn't take hasty action. They are with another woman, so clearly they should want out, what the???
Sometimes maybe they can't afford to file but where there is a will, there is a way.
I know I am being rhetorical but I had to say something! Have you thought about it, too? Like how your H didn't push the D through once he filed?
How are your Thanksgiving plans this year and how are you feeling about it?
damn edit button--OF COURSE you have thought about how your H didn't push the D through! What I meant was how your Brother pushed it through so quickly compared to your h?
Hey NM!!! Always good to hear from you!
I wonder all the time why my H filed right away and then nothing...maybe he thought I'd do the work? Who knows...I do believe that if he had not had a new L take over his case, he wouldn't have even gone gotten the property agrrement going yet...
I think the difference between my brother's sitch and mine is that my brother's M has been stagnant for a long time, they lived like roomates and didn't have any communication at all even over simple things...her texting his friend was the final straw...when they talked, he listed all the things that would have to change and she said she didn't think she could change and didn't believe that he would so he filed...I also think it was a pride thing...he felt she was making a fool out of him by doing that behind his back!
In my sitch, if it had been ME that was having an A, I think H would have D'd me right away...
Thanksgiving...gonna be small. My other brother offered to host this year. It will just be me and the kids for dinner and then SS and his family will drop by for dessert.
I have to admit a "morbid curiosity" as to what H will be doing on that day! Unless things have changed with OW's family, I don't think he will be welcome there!!!
I have a thought about the slow filing and foot dragging that a lot of the MLCers do.
It seems like A LOT of these guys (and gals) have some heavy passive agressive behaviors that go back to long before bomb drop. In my own H's case, he likes to be the 'good guy' and wants to be seen as the victim. I think it is also why they spend so much time building a case against the LBS before they drop that bomb.
I'm no therapist, so it is just a thought.
Hi hope
Good to see you here!
I seem to be having internet issues at home so may be awhile before I can get back on here!
Just want to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving! This is the time to give thanks for our blessings! Enjoy!
Hope you solve your internet issues soon...have a great Thanksgiving CW
Hi guys
Finally got internet fixed yesterday! Needed a new modem!
Thanksgiving went well! SS and Dil and kids stopped by my brother's house for dessert! Funny that SS chose to come by my brother's rather than spend time at either one of his parents!
I was home when H picked up the kids on Sat. I busied myself cleaning my bedroom and didn't know he had arrived. Heard commotion and thought the dogs were coming upstairs so I walked to the door and about bumped into H. Apparenlty D12 took it upon herself to tell him that we needed to talk about xmas.
It felt weird talking to him in our old room. I kinda tried to "herd" him downstairs and get them on their way...H chatted up a storm and was even gracious enough to share that he almost cut the tip of his thumb off and later mentioned that he was going for a colonoscopy and that I should do whatever I needed to do since the deductible had been met this year and while I still had benefits...wasn't that nice of him?
They finally left! I remember not so long ago how bothered I was that he wouldn't stay for more than 5mins and now I am wanting him to go!!!!
His sister was in town and took the kids and I to lunch on Sunday. She had called H and asked if he'd stop by SS's with the kids on his way to bring them home so she could see them and he said yes and then told the kids he wasn't going to! So, she came to my house and we went out. She told me she thought that he was afraid to see her cause he went to their Uncle's funeral without her. (told her he might not be able to get off work and then took OW with him instead).
This is family that he has not seen for years. They had no idea that we were getting a D until his cousin called here looking for him.
The kids and I put out the xmas deco and put the tree up...thinking I will look for a new tree topper...an angel maybe...was remembering last year wondering if that was the last xmas we would spend together as a family....
Got home tonight to a message from my L to call her! It is never good when she calls! Wonder what is going on now?
CW - Glad you solved your internet issues, nice to have you back.
Your H is still happily in replay as far as I can see. Was his behavior towards you the same or friendlier then usual...chatting up a storm and sharing about his colonoscopy?
Hope that the news from the lawyer is not going to upset you...whatever it is.
CW,
Welcome back!!!!! I was about to come looking for you! Good news about the paid up deductible on your medical insurance. Hopefully, you can schedule any tests (if you need any) that you might want before January 1st.
Nice of SIL to come visit. She must be frustrated with H too.
I'll be curious to hear what your L wants.
Nite!
GAG
Hi guys!
I am glad that the internet is fixed too! Just needed a new modem!
My L said that a judge set a court date for Jan 5. Niether she nor H's L knew anything about it. I guess judges will do that sometimes especially when it has been awhile. So, both L's agreed and got it cancelled for now. I can still take as much time as I need to work on MY property agreement and think things thru.
I keep thinking that the longer it takes that I might be able to outlast the A but seem to be having more thoughts toward getting this overwith!
GAG...yes, SIL is very upset with H!
CW,
Glad the news from your L wasn't a real bummer. I always hated those mysterious messages from my L ---- the wondering and waiting was awful.
GAG
CW - Good news that it wasn't a bad news
I'm thinking that your H must have agreed to have the hearing canceled, his lawyer probably consulted with him...so he is obviously not in a big rush to get the D done....just find it interesting
Hi GAG and Mila
I don't really know Mila...L made it sound like neither party knew about it...
CW I am sorry that it is happening before the A ended. The weird thing is, if you decided to be open to R sometime down the line, you still can be. The D has given me a sense of freedom from suffering but hasn't made me stop loving exH. I am free to live my journey for a bit without worrying of consequences toward R. I hope you end up feeling similar when you are done...or that the D gets dropped of course!
CW,
How are you? Miss you.
GAG
Hi NM and GAG!
I am here and doing good...keeping busy! Finally started Christmas shopping so feeling a sense of accomplishment!
Went with my boss to look at a couple of houses that are for sale in the town the kids go to school in. Didn't see anything that stood out but was fun to look! I admit kinda exciting to think of "starting over" in a new place! This will be inevitable after the D. My boss likes to invest in real estate and would rent to me with the option to buy if I wanted to.
NM-I am glad that you are in a place to being open to a new R. I just cannot imagine an R with anyone else right now!!! But, maybe that will change after the D!
GAG-Did you date after your D? Just curious and I understand if you'd rather not answer that!
Hi CW - I can't imagine a R with someone else either....I'm thinking about it and trying to look at guys with different eyes then before...but it's hard to imagine that I may actually like someone "that way" and then act on it.....So far I feel "damaged" in that department. I'm thinking what's wrong with me? ....but maybe it's normal because I still love my H.
I have to start thinking Xmas...didn't do any shopping or any preparations at all yet...Maybe once I start I will get into a bit of Xmas spirit.
You sound good
Im the same way as far as dating. I know this guy I have been talking to and becoming friends with,he wants to date me, but its hard to even allow myself to go there. To open my heart, I just dont know how.
Im the same way as far as dating. I know this guy I have been talking to and becoming friends with,he wants to date me, but its hard to even allow myself to go there. To open my heart, I just dont know how.
Kissak dear,
I really think all of us are going to be kind of raw until time
can heal us up a bit. I can't imagine dating either and never
thought about it in the M. I think now you can afford to be very
picky since you know more than most about men/women going through
something like this. At least now you know what NOT to look for
and some warning signs of potential trouble. That is another
gift/benefit (Mila) since you were listing them a while back.
It would be absolutely horrible to be even a little bit
desperate right now because that will come back to bite you and
remembering that the infatuation period is around 3 months or so
should be firmly entrenched in your head IMHO. I am not saying
you are desperate but remember what you have learned.
WS
Thanks...you know I was wondering if it was just me or what, because I seem very picky about who I would even date now! Maybe its just I know what I want, or rather DONT want
Kissak, same here....Went to a dinner with my male friend (he is in a similar marriage situation with his MLC wife), I quite like him and he likes me...but boy, I stopped by his house to give him advice on decorating....was that a turn off....couldn't date a guy who has absolutely no sense of style and "clean"...if you know what I mean...
sorry for the hijack CW
lol...I understand completely!!
I feel the same way as the rest of you gals. If it's not H I'm not interested.
No worries Mila! Hi Kissak, WS and Mystik!
It is good to see this being talked about! We have all been at this awhile so of course we are all getting "lonely"...
Lonely is such a weak word for how we feel I think. I'm lonely when DS isn't home. I'm lonely when I want to talk to my sister and she's not there. But missing H, missing the intimacy of sharing a life with someone, missing the other intimacy, Lonely doesn't even begin to describe the intensity of the pain of our loss, the longing for their return. Not sure there is a word that will encompass all that we feel as left behind spouses.
I feel the same way as the rest of you gals. If it's not H I'm not interested.
I know that I am still healing and a part of me still loves XH very much. I think the fact that XH and I were civil, and even thoughtful, to one another during and after the D speaks volumes. Its only been recently that I've seen chinks in XH's armor....It would be much easier if XH and I had had a difficult M, but we didn't. We just experienced the ups and downs of life.
GAG
Oops I wasn't clear--when I said "open to R" I meant 'reconciliation' not a new relationship! I am not there yet by a loooong shot. BUt I am glad to see you post and tell us how you are doing. Christmas is going to sneak up this year, I think.
Hey Mystik! You are right...it is more than just lonely!
GAG-I wanna be just like you when I grow up! I hope to follow in your footsteps with a civil D.
NM! Thankyou for clarifying! Yes, Christmas is sneaking up (we know it is coming all year long!) fast!!!
Hope everyone has a good day!
CW,
I've been thinking about you lately. How are you? Do you have any special plans for the next couple weeks?
GAG
CW? Please report! Thanks for saying hi on my thread- I expected to see an update when I came hear to check your thread!
Hi GAG and NM!
Just got my kids back to school after 2 days being home sick with strep throat! Pray for me that I don't get it!
Am starting to worry just a little bit that I won't get my shopping done since my day off on Monday consisted of nursing kids and Drs appts!!! It will get done...just not according to my master plan....lol!!!
Going to have a brunch Christmas morning and have SS and DIL and boys over. Thinking of inviting H to join us. He will be coming to pick up the kids anyway. DIL offered to do it at their house thinking H would be more apt to accept an invite there. I don't know. Any thoughts? I really wanted to do it here...it may be our last Christmas in this house. I am not sure he'd be more apt to accept the invite one place or the other.
Other than that, working extra cause of it being busier over the holidays, finish up Christmas....NYE, SIL had mentioned us all getting together that night but haven't heard anything more about that!
Hey CW, will definitely keep my fingers crossed the strep bypasses you. Glad the kids are better, though. Strep is just awful.
Had a marathon shopping weekend, went out Friday for a few things and on Saturday for the bulk of my shopping. Hope you are able to get in a marathon shopping day before next week.
If you think this will be the last Christmas at the house I would host the brunch there. Casually mention it to H and if he seems interested then extend an invitation. Worse thing he can say is No.
Hi everyone!
I'm a newbie to the forums but not Michele's books. I picked this thread to join in on out of the others because I totally feel that my H is going thru a major MLC. If I get long winded in telling my story, I apologize in advance. I just want you all to get to know my situtation. You all seem to offer such wonderful advice and support.
H announced last year (12/7/09) that he wanted out when he came home from work. I thought he just had a bad day at work but there was a family issue that preceeded the day before and he didn't like how I chose to handle it at all. In hindsight now, I would've handled it much more differently. He went to stay with his older brother which I thought would be for only a few days to cool off. It turned out to be 3 weeks and 2 days after he went to his brothers, he saw an atty about getting a D. My SIL is a headhunter and she gave him the name of this atty. The atty advised him to come back home so it wouldn't look like abandonment. He came back the day after Xmas and didn't even let me know; he just showed up. During the time he was gone, we had very little communication. I would just cry and beg him to come back home when we did speak. Obviously that didn't work. He moved out "officially" on Feb 6, 2010 and moved to a studio apt in NYC.
I had found out through a third party that he wasted no time in getting on all the free on-line dating sites 2 weeks after he left. He had signed up with one in October of 2009 before we were even seperated and we went on a cruise together the next month. I was mortified on so many levels. Who was this person? I felt like this should all be private and here he is plastering his picture all over the internet. One "dating" site he's on is to find a sex partner. Pretty gross. I don't know to what extent he has has not hooked up on these sites and quite frankly, I'm not sure I wanna know. I know that he closed his accounts with all the other sites except the Adult Friend Finder one.
I should let you all know that I am 48 and he is 42. We have been married for 16 years and together for 20. My second marriage, his first; we have no kids. H has never been independent. Nor have I, but my parents were not strict. He moved from his house to my house when his parents divorced after 25 years. His father at the time was an alcholic; his father started to drink in 1986 after the death of his mother. But has been sober know for over 15 years and is the greatest guy! Sadly though back in the day, my H and BIL apparently had a very rough childhood as my FIL was very strict and heavy handed. My MIL is your typical passive/aggressive, subserviant woman. She is not a warm, sensative person at all especially if you are not part of her immediate family; meaning blood family. She has gone as far to tell me that I need to accept the reality of the situation, handle it with grace and move on with my life. There is life after divorce. Are you kidding me????!!!! This is coming from a woman who was a walk away mom. I can't fault for wanting a divorce from my FIL because at that time, he had no desire to get sober. But she left her youngest son who was 17 at the time behind with the alcoholic. How does THAT make sense?! She and I never really got off on the right foot anyway. I "stole" her son away being 6 years old and divorced at the time. Whatever!
During this time H and I have been seperated, we have had little communication and that makes me very sad. When he does come to the house for something he's left behind, he is VERY ambivalent. That to indicates to me that he is not 100% sure this is the right move. I have been working with a very good therapist since this all happend. She has brought alot of information to the surface. Things that I have needed to address. I can't put it all on H, because I became a very different person after my Mom died in 2002. I am an only child and she and I were very, very close. I was not the same girl he married that's for sure. And I knew it but I couldn't get myself back for some reason. I tried very hard and even went to therapy for 3 years after my Mom died because I felt I was getting very depressed. But therapy didn't help as much as I had hoped. I realize now, that I wasn't with the right therapist and she did the best she could with her style. If I had the therapist I had now, I wonder if I would be in this current situtaion. I am now back to the woman he fell in love with; actually, I am a much better version. It's too bad that because we don't communicate, he can't see that - at least for now.
H filed for D on 10/22/10. I have to say I was in shock even though he told me repeatedly there is no hope for reconcilation. I think there is always a small part of you that hopes you will R and I don't doubt it can still happen. I've read SO many books during this time. Michele's has been one of my faves that stays on my night stand. I still love my H very much. He's my soulmate and I am still holding out hope. Someone told me that some people for whatever reason need to have that finality of divorce in order for them to fully feel detatached. That's when they will actually be able to have more clairity and step outside themselves and the situation and possibly realize what they have thrown away. Let's face it, if some of us have been blamed for everything (like I have been), if we are no longer part of the equation, they have to see that the common demoniator wasn't us, it was them. He needs to see that the grass truly is NOT greener on the other side and that he really didn't have it so bad. My D will be final sometime in Feb. 2011. I live in Connecticut and there is a "3 month cooling off period". I was hoping he'd change his mind, but so far nothing.
People think I am nuts for still having hope even if the D goes through. I refuse to take off my rings. My H is very clear in knowing where I stand. He knows that I don't want the D and that the door is always open for him. He has said thank you to me keeping the door open which is part of that small window of hope staying alive. Because IMO, if he was truly done, he would respond very differently. He has said when he left last year, it was no longer about me it was about him. He also has been involved in the New Age movement when all this started. And by New Age movement I mean reading books by Neal Donald Walsh, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, The Secret etc. All these authors that were on Oprah and part of her bookclub reading. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't begrudge anyone who is into self-help; I just think those books are very narcassitic; it's all about what YOU want, should have and to hell with anyone else. I think you really have to sift through the message carefully.
People have tried to push me into dating and I'm like, are you kidding me?! Not even remotely there and I have no interest unless it's with H. They say but you can't sit around and put your life on hold. And my response is I'm not. I can move on but I don't have to give up. I hear stories all the time of couples who get re-married to the same person after they divorced. It happens more often then people may think.
Well, I think I've rambled on enough. I know I probably zig-zagged all over the place, but I hope you all get where I am at. I look forward to getting to know you all in this forum and welcome your advice.
CW,
I think you should do what you and your kids feel most comfortable with. My D's definitely want to be here, in the house they refer to as home. But I'm not inviting H. If you are comfortable inviting him, you shouldn't have to form your plans around where he will be 'most comfortable.' It's your Christmas, too.
Thankyou Mystik and punkin!!!
Mystik-glad you got some shopping done and have been keeping up with you and you are sounding strong girl!!!
punkin! Truly had not thought of it that way! I told DIL that I preferred to have it here since it might be the last and I am being polite in inviting H....we have had some positive encounters lately and feel ok in inviting him as a guest and expecting nothing more.
CW -
we have had some positive encounters lately and feel ok in inviting him as a guest and expecting nothing more
That's how I feel as well with my H. I don't think him coming would ruin my evening...if you feel the same then why not...it would be nice for the kids to have both parents there for Xmas.
CW,
I agree with what everyone has posted about where to have Christmas. Above all, you should do what makes YOU happy. If it means a lot to spend the day in your home, then you SHOULD.
If H decides to join you all, he can't help but feel some happy memories.
GAG
I agree with GAG-- you said that you feel comfortable in your interactions, so it is ok with you to invite him (without expectations--although OW might be pissed, lol!!!!) He will be sure to have flashbacks of good times, too! NOt that it is your intention, but it doesn't hurt.
Zengypsy--it is best if you start your own thread and you can get more support this way! CW IS SUPER NICE but the deal is that we each have our own thread for our own lives/issues and not tell our stories on another's thread. Just sayin! So go to the top and choose "New Topic" and create a subject line. Then copy and paste what you posted here.
oops Zen gypsy--exit out of CW's thread first so you can find "new topic."
Thanks GAG and NM for your input! I plan to call H today and ask hime about Christmas...will throw and invite out there!
Funny thing, had a message from the Surgical Center for H to call them back on the machine when I got home. I didn't call him last night as I knew he'd be sleeping...then, this morning at 5:40am, they call wanting to know if he was coming for his "procedure". Asked me if he was here, I said no, then ask if I am his wife, I said yes (well, I am for now) so I gave them his cell #!!!
I just had the kids at the Dr on Monday and they had me update their info...surely, he has been asked to update his?
Anyway, planning a day of shopping...hope to get it finished!
WELCOME zengypsy!!! Sounds like you are in the right place! Sorry you are going thru this but you will find some pretty good ears, advice and friends here!
Others will find you easier if you start your own thread! You can copy and paste your post from here to it so you don't have to type it all out again!!! You will find a great support group here!
Thank you CW and sorry to have hijacked your thread. My bad...I didn't realize what the proper etiquette was. I was just more focused on getting support!
If I could delete my post, I would, but it doesn't seem like I can. But I have copied and pasted accordingly.
My apologies again....ZG
Hey ZG!
It is totally fine! Glad you posted! I will look for your thread!
CW - I'm finding interesting what you said about your H not changing his contact information at the doctor's....mine joined a political party few weeks ago and I just received a letter from them to H to our home....why would he give them our home address...he has his place for almost a year....hard to understand these guys....
CW and Mila,
Based on my experience I think their leaving your home phone as their contact information means that they don't expect to be living in their current housing for a long period of time.
I wondered why H/XH hadn't submitted an address change form to the post office after he moved into his mother's place. He lived with his mother for 8 months before he moved into the house he eventually bought. About a month before H moved into his new house it became clear that H had originally thought he was going to buy OUR house. He didn't think I could swing the purchase price myself.
GAG
Mila and GAG
I don't know why he hasn't updated the info...I would surely think he would have had to fill out some forms but who knows!
GAG...that does make sense that he would think living with his Mother was only temporary.
Haven't called him yet about Christmas...will do that in the morning. Mornings during the week seem to be a good time to call him!
Going to go work on D12's very messy room! I've got my contamination suit ready to put on!!!
Good luck in your DD's room. If she's anything like I was, you're going to need that contamination suit. *lol*
Same thing here guys. I keep getting calls from Doctors, mail from different organizations, etc. that H should have changed months ago. I finally stopped collecting the mail for him into a larger envelope and started sending them promptly back as Forward please to: , The calls, I tell them he doesn't live here anymore and ask them to remove my number. He can't do that anymore, since I changed my number.
I agree, dealing with H's mail and phone calls DOES get to be annoying over time. I began to feel like telling him that I wasn't his personal secretary. But I didn't. Just bit my tongue, trying not to scare away the scared rabbit.
I used the mail and phone messages as a way to keep the thread between us. During the first 4 months, when H had a very hard time coming to the house (I think he was grieving the loss), he asked me to leave his mail in the garage (I never changed the lock code because he still has stuff in there) which I did. When things started becoming friendlier between us I would keep all of his mail in one spot in the house and every 2-3 weeks H would come to the house to get it when I was there. It was an opportunity to have the house smell and look good and to show H the new me.............kinda like what glamgirl posted on my thread yesterday.
GAG
Hi guys!
I called H. Asked what he was planning for Christmas with the kids. He said that he knew Christmas fell on "the weekend" (meaning his). He said he had a few extra days off after the holiday and thought he might get the kids then. Told him that SS and family were coming for brunch and that there were no other plans so if he wanted them Christmas day later that was fine. He said he will let me know. I am sure...sorry...mind-reading, that he will have to consult with OW first. So, he didn't even plan to spend the holiday with the kids at all. IF he calls back wanting to get the kids Christmas day, I will extend the invite.
DIL has tried calling him twice the last 2 days and he has not answered or returned her calls.
I say to your H: BAH HUMBUG!
You know, perhaps spending Christmas with them could bring up painful memories for him or something--why else would he not want to be with the kids? Or OW's family has major plans and they come first? I know we can't mindread...but you KNOW that he loves his kids and wouldn't just not want to see them!
Well, guys!
Hard to believe another Christmas is here! It really seems like last Christmas was just yesterday!!!
My brother is coming today to spend Christmas eve with us!!!
Tomorrow, SS and Dil and grandson's will come over for brunch and open gifts!
Then, the kids and I will go see a Christmas Day movie! We have never done that before!
I want to wish everyone a very Blessed Christmas!!! Enjoy the moments with your children and families!!!
CW,
Wishing you a blessed Christmas! It sounds as though you have a lot of family fun planned. Savor each expression of love from your family and friends. You deserve them!
I'm thinking of you and want to thank you for making me feel so welcome when I first began posting on the MLC board.
GAG
Merry Christmas my friend! Have a wonderful time with your beautiful children!
You are welcome GAG!
GAG and SA-hope you are both enjoying your day too!
I was but now I am kinda sad! H showed up unexpectedly today. SS and his family were here and we were all having a great time when H walked in bearing gifts for the grandkids. I noticed him first and cheerfully said hi! SS and DIL didn't really say anything...
If you remember, he told me the other day that he didn't plan on picking up the kids until tomorrow and then would keep them a couple of days cause he had time off.
The boys opened their gifts and played for a bit with them while we all watched. Kids had H open the gifts they had gotten them and SS asked DIL if she was ready to go. So, they left earlier than planned and then H asked the kids if they were ready to go. I told him that they were not as they didn't expect him to come until tomorrow as that is what we last talked about. He said "oh, sorry about that...I forgot to call you". So, the kids packed up some clothes quickly and H talked about how the pick up wasn't starting and he would look at it blah, blah, blah. Kids were ready and I asked him when they would be home and he said probably tomorrow unless they wanted to stay longer but that they'd probably be bored.
I asked him to please call me and let me know if they were going to stay an extra night.
I wasn't prepared for them to be gone today..we had plans. So, now I am sitting here alone. DIL said she got ahold of him yesterday and asked him if he wanted to stop by when he picked up the kids and he hem hawed around giving her the impression that he wouldn't. We were all shocked when he got here. Seriously, it went from lots of noise and laughter to total quiet. Everyone was here and then they were gone. I am grateful that I got to enjoy this morning with everyone...
I wonder what it felt like for H to walk in and see everyone here having fun?
I hope everyone is having a good day!
CW,
What your H did is unbelievable. He is acting like a self-centered child. I'm so sorry that this happened. How disappointing for you and your children to have made plans and then have then interrupted. It always takes me awhile to make a mental adjustment when something like this happens. I hope that you can find something to occupy your mind this evening. Can you find a good movie on TV or rent a good DVD?
GAG
I agree with GAG. You should have told him you made plans with the kids as you were not expecting them to leave until tomorrow. Very rude of him to expect you to just change your plans to accomodate him.
Hi GAG and Mystik
DIL invited me to their house as she was making a turkey. I went and had a great time! I was a target for the boys (H gave them nerf guns...ages 6+ and they are 2.5 and 4) and SS, DIL and I played Monopoly...I won btw!!!
Yes, it was unbelievable, rude and self-centered. I wrestled with asking him to come back tomorrow but decided to let it go. The kids seemed to be ok with going. I think a little work is needed with communication however!!!
It did take me a little while to make the mental adjustment as you put it GAG. I have never been good with "spur of the moment" and changing of plans so I will chalk this up to learning to be more flexible, going with the flow etc.
CW - glad you had a great time today
.
Showing up unannounced was rude and inconsiderate of you H....they don't seem to care about anybody's feelings or plans...whatever suit them at the moment...so you are right we have no choice but to learn to be more flexible, and don't sweat the small stuff...
Enjoy the rest of you Holidays
CW you did very well considering the circumstances. H was unfair in his expectations. It was great that you could adjust to a new plan. Well done!!
CW,
First, I think you did very well, as Cas said. You were gracious under pressure. Remained calm and cooperative for the kids sake. You did what you had to do to keep peace on Christmas.
Second, the next time he pulls that crap, be prepared. He's found out he can do it, so buy a pit bull, so to speak. My H pulled that on me when I came home from surgery. A sneak attack. If he shows up at my door again, I'm going to tell him I am not a convenience store, and he can't just walk in at will. Make an appointment. Through my lawyer.
I know with kids, it makes things difficult, but still. It's your house, it's your kids, IT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS. His wishes are no longer at the top of your list.
Sorry I'm ranting, but that stuff p**s's be off. He just assured himself of your being alone and your plans left in limbo.
Thanks Mila and Cas
It was not easy "rolling with it"
and punkin! You are absolutely right...this won't happen again.
I think communication has always been a problem in our R. The other day, I told him that after brunch, we had nothing going on so if he wanted to get them, it'd be ok, but I also asked him to call me if he decided to do that....he didn't call, so I made the plans to go to a movie. I really don't think he did this on purpose...he heard this
if he wanted to get them, it'd be ok,
and the rest was blah, blah, blah!!!
Now, we will see what happens today. I asked him to call me if the kids decided to stay an extra night!
CW,
Giving a different perspective on yesterday's events. Do you find it a bit strange that H shows up unannounced at your house with presents while everyone is there? Is it possible he wanted to be part of that? Do you think your H might have asked for the kids to cover up why he was really there, especially since SS and DIL left rather abruptly?
Seeking,
Your explanation resonates with me. H wanted to be part of the fun. He thought that if he brought gifts he would be allowed to join the celebration.
CW, you mentioned something about communication problems between you and H. That reminded me that awhile back, one of my hair stylists shared that she and her H are going through a rough patch. She knows how I feel about working on M. She shared that she knows she has a tendency to "zone out" when her H is talking because she has been listening to her clients talk about their personal lives for 30 years. That must be incredibly draining!
CW, I don't remember what your H does for a living. Is it possible that he may do something similar?
GAG
Sweet SA!!!
I would love, more than anything if your interpretation were true...had he brought the S15 and D12's gifts with him, I might be able to believe that but he didn't...just SS's and grandkids.
GAG-I am a hairstylist so I totally understand what she is saying! H works in a factory on a machine so not a lot of convo going on except on break.
I am throwing this out there...I have noticed a difference in how H communicates in that when I call him, he seems to be more distant, cold and in a hurry to get off the phone. When he is here at the house getting the kids, he is chatty and talkative. Also, when he is the one to call, sometimes it is the distant H and sometimes it is the friendly, chatty H.
I am just guessing but think that how he acts depends on if OW is around or not. He works with her, he rides with her, he lives with her.
He was friendly yesterday but I felt anger in him...haven't felt that for awhile! Also, this was the first time that all of us have been in the same house with H for almost a year.
Anyway, too much time on my hands today! Thinking too much about H!!! lol
CW,
Could it be possible that ow wouldn't have wanted H to bring S and D presents with him? Maybe she insisted that they had something to open at her place.
Thought I'd update!
Thurs. S15 had an ortho appt that H was to take him to as I had to work.
H came bearing "heating material" and unloaded it by the basement door rather than clear out by the corner as he has been doing. S called me at work to tell me that before they left for the appt. I think he wanted to tell me that his Dad fixed the pickup and brought wood.
H took S to appt. and then they came back home and H cleaned the chimney and he and S got a fire going. The temps started out close to 50 but dropped mid-afternoon into the 20's so I was thankful to come home to a warm house!
I had been home about 20mins and the phone rang and it was H. S answered...H just wanted to know how warm it was in the house and if the fire was going good. This is the first time that he has followed up.
I had been worrying about if H would put money in our acct to cover the house payment...we pay every 2 weeks. H had already paid the support amount for the month but this month he received a 3rd paycheck so I didn't know what he would do. I was going to talk to him and ask if he would help out with it but decided to let it go and see what happened. I did transfer money from savings to cover the payment just in case.
Well, I was very surprised to see that a deposit had been made in the usual amount this morning. I was very relieved!!! I admit that while I didn't have any expectations, I felt really good about the events involving H the last couple of days.
Got busy around the house and checked my email and see a Potential OD announcement from my bank...check the acct and a ONUS withdrawal of the amount H deposited minus $100 had been withdrawn. I am guessing that the whole amount would have been withdrawn had I not transferred the money I put in back out. Talk about my PMA spiraling out of control!!! He no longer has a debit card to this acct but drove 50miles to walk-in and withdraw that money. Apparently, he forgot to cancel that automatic deposit.
I need to admit how stupid I was to not have our joint acct closed. Despite everything that H has done, I guess I just wanted to trust him...yeah, I know, right?
Anyway, I guess Monday morning, I will drive to the bank and get the form for him to sign to get him off this acct. I am tempted to also get busy with the property agreement and get this D overwith. Probably a good thing I have a couple of days to think about all of this and what it means besides the obvious fact that he is still very much in MLC!!!
Ok...so tomorrow is going to be better because it is a New Year, right?
OH CW - As I was reading the first part of your post I'm thinking wow maybe H is peeking out....but then I get to the second half....and yeah you know what I mean.....they could still get to us right?....
Concentrate on the positives....he did bring and stacked the wood, cleaned the chimney and he did call to follow up....that's progress isn't it?
And with the payments, do you think that he remembers that you pay every 2 weeks....maybe he is thinking that it's 2x a month...and he already paid 2x so he thought that he overpaid....but good thinking to get him off of the account if you can....
I totally understand the occasional urge to get it over with and file for D....been there....but then another day comes and I feel differently....As you said it's probably good that you have couple of days to think about it....
(((hugs)))
do you think that he remembers that you pay every 2 weeks
It's possible Mila. I was the one that always took care of paying the bills.
It doesn't matter if tomorrow is instantaneously "better" because it's a new year.
Bottom line is that it will be a better year because by your asking that question, you show the capacity for hope. If you have hope, it will be better. No doubt. Hope is about you and yours. It's about what is closest to you and the things that get you through the day. It's not about him. If he is good for you, then great, but hope is about YOU. Hang onto that, and your 2011 will be better :-)
Hang in there CW.
Happy New Year!
(((Hugs)))
CW,
I think Mila hit the nail on the head about H's actions.
I understand how you kept the joint account as a thread between you and H. I don't remember you writing about H doing funny things with your joint checking account. If that's the case then it sounds as though he has been pretty trustworthy on that end. That's the way it was with XH and me. Even though he had "brain freezes" from time to time, I don't think he intentionally did things to hurt me. It's just always annoying to be surprised when you find things H has done that they didn't warn you about. It always took me awhile to reset my attitude after those surprises.
Antonia's reminder about hope is a good one.
Here's wishing you peace and prosperity in 2011. We don't know what lies before us, but we have within us the strength and the wisdom to determine our own destinies.
Best,
GAG
CW,
I think when H changed his automatic deposit and opened a new account, leaving me with nothing, it hurt me worse than even the physical betrayal of the affair. After all, we were a couple for 20 years. I always took care of the finances and had built the security that we had. It hurt deeply.
That attachment of the same account, if I understand correctly, this is the first time anything like this has happened. Perhaps you should just ask him his reasoning before going to the extreme of removing his name from the account. It's a link he has apparently not been willing to give up, perhaps it's just a misunderstanding. If not, then, by all means go ahead. I just changed accounts and opened a new one of my own, so he couldn't accuse me of anything.
Hoping the best for you.
Oh yes Anotnia...I am bursting with hope! My problem is that I haven't figured out to hope without expectations! It gets me every time!!!
SA-thankyou my friend!
GAG! Always the optimistic one! You and punkin are correct...it was a thread that I was wanting to keep between H and I and no, he had not abused it at all. Money has always been a hot button with me....
It is funny after eveything they put us thru, that even the smallest of things they do can still hurt so bad! You' think we'd be so calloused up by now that nothing would faze us! Or oops, is that part of being detached??? Guess I am not totally there yet even after all of this time! I do seem to recover more quickly though!
Thankyou guys for all of your thoughts!
I am wishing the best for all of us in 2011!!!
Oops! I meant my NEW thread!!!