My life changed almost 4 years ago. I still remember crying so hard that I would almost vomit. I still remember every stupid attempt I made to try and get him to come home. Every prayer, every plee... so much pain.
Since he left his relationship with OW #1ish has ended, he has moved on to many girlfriends and has now moved in woman #2. (I can't call her other woman because she isn't that to me.. she is just another one in a line of many since he left.)
Since leaving he has been fired from 2 jobs, but has kept the last one for awhile... I still am wondering when that will change. (if it will). He moved from the yuppie Lake area back to our town - and now wants to move about a half mile from me... to be "around our daughter more." I dont want him around.
Since he left I have been in counseling and am growing as an individual. I have dealt with issues deep within myself that I didn't even realize had held me captive for so many years.
Since he left I am no longer on any anxiety medicine (that I had been on YEARS before the bomb). My face doesn't break out in deep sores anymore and I dont pick at my face anymore. All of which went on while I was married to him.
Since he left I have bought a house, gotten money in savings and choose my own colors for decorating. (he didn't really "allow" me to decorate in the past).
But now I am in this strange place. I have changed. GOD has healed me beyond my expectations! HE has been so very faithful... but I am stuck.
Last night I went out with my neighbor. I like him. I really do. He is warm and kindhearted and gentle. He was PROUD to have me accompany him to the event. .. BUT ME? I was surprised.
I met a gal where we were... she started talking to me and right away read right into my soul. It was GOD ORDAINED. She could SEE my co-dependancy. She could SEE my insecurity. AND I DIDNT SAY anything.
We talked and since I have been pondering. What next? What am I suppose to do? Who am I suppose to be?
What next?
Hey Cagz...I had a friend on the boards reccommend I read "CoDependant No More". Have you read it? It has helped me alot.
Thinking of you.....4 years is along time...this I know all to well.
Yes sweet friend.. it was one of the first books i read. One of many.;)
Cagz,
You don't have to know the exact direction to take right now in your life. God will direct you. Live well, live righteous and it will all come together.
weird night - not missing just weird.
my counseling session today was hard. its been awhile since that! he pushed me. pushed me to think about my ideals to see if what i really want is what I "think" i want.
defining new is hard.
being honest is hard.
moving beyond x and into healthy isn't as hard as it was.. but there are still terrible pulls.
the yo yo life that i lived with him for so long was so very very addictive. the highs were unbelievable. financially, sexually, emotionally ... they were awesome. in a way i feel like a heroin addict.. when they talk about their first high and trying to recapture it.... but then they know the truth of the low.
That is where I am. stability --- what I call "Boring" right now... that is where I truly want to be. I also know what is best for me... now I just need to be ok with my singleness .. keep moving on and move to this phase..
i am gripped by some things - but i believe slowly it is changing.
my heart breaks for those hitting this for the first time. nothing like it... i wouldn't wish this on anyone.. ok one person... and i can't wait unitl that changes even.
Im there with you Cagz...the addictiveness is crazy...trying to detox myself now...not easy.
Thinking of you
the further we get away from it I believe the healthier it is for us.
for me i so so so loved the highs.. but i can't live the life of a yo yo anymore.. it isn't healthy.
since the change - him leaving etc so many PHYSICAL parts of me have changed... i can't believe the changes in me.. just wierd. and yes hard to believe.
Hi cagz. I stopped by the newcomers for an old friend who was back in a new difficult situation and decided to see what was happening on MLC. And with you, now I see.
There is no question that the farther you get away from all the nonsense the healthier you get. Here's what I found for me. There was a period where I was trying new things to see what fit. I read a ton of books looking to help define myself. Eventually I stopped trying to figure who I was and what I wanted and decided to take things one day at a time. I decided to be thankful for the blessing that I did have in my life. A funny thing happened. I found peace. And along the way, I started to enjoy the things I had always enjoyed such as making more trips to my hometown to visit friends and family, taking a class or two a year, reading for pleasure (if you can call reading economics for pleasure). It doesn't happen all at once. But you take things one step at a time and eventually everything falls into place. And you keep finding that something else that you enjoy. For example, my sons are now 18 and 15. At some point, they will go off to college and I will replace the time with them with something else even though I don't know what that something else will be.
Hang in there. Love yourself. Give yourself a break. Perhaps stop trying so hard. I found the less I tried, the easier things became. When you take things one day at a time, it may amaze you to find out that the answers actually find you.
Good luck. A great life awaits you.
IMP
Your getting there cagz.....
IMP!! HI!! Thank you for stopping by.
your post hit home -- finding the next step is where i am.. but then just trying to step and believe that is what i want to do.
i have been re"defining" myself and in that finding much of what i really DID like is being rebirthed. many new thoughts... ideas and lots of wondering.. but moving forward.
actually this am while doing my devotions i was thinking. i used to look BACK and LONG for what was. NOT just with x but with many things. Today i looked back almost more in "appreciation" and a longing for a NEW.
just so strange to be in this new place.... really didn't ever think i would be nor did i want to be. i didn't know what not being Mrs. Cagz would be like.. shoot i didn't even know who I WAS.
now - today i am learning
Cagz, I guess we all learn and grow, too. Or should, if we want to make something positive of all this!
so true forward. we who were left are put in a position of mere survival for so long. i remember barely being able to breathe some days. the pain was so deep.
it is still there - just not near like it originally was.
had a wonderful realization.
first so very at ease... softball is over. dont have to see idiot x for any reason!!
yes that helps the heart people!! even after this much time there are days when he still grabs my heart. But these "Dark" times for me are much needed. THE BEST part is that d14 finally sees it. the last 2 times he has come to pick her up she goes to the door (which is new) answers - and says "I am almost ready.." or whatever it is that is going on.. AND THE BEST??!! HE waits OUTSIDE!!
I know it sounds so dumb but it has taken me this long to NOT want him in my home. I AM NOT reacting or being hurtful. I mean if it is cold or whatever yeah - of course. BUT I AM over being hurt. AND I am OVER him hurting my kids!! This is MY home. I bought it with my own resources - NOT HIS... AND HE is NOT a nice person right now. if he were just "anybody" I wouldn't let him in... so thats who he is "just anybody."
I am glad that d14 is ready for it. She is amazing!! She has been back in counseling since his newest stupid move. AND IT IS so so so good for her!! So thankful for the people, counselors, etc that God has put in our life.
S21 is in counseling too. He is growing and changing and becoming a pretty strong little man. Proud of him.
Then there is just me - outside of being the divorced Cagzmom. I am really ok being single. Not hiding from dating - but just really at peace tonight. It is such a great place to be.
Thankful for so much right now.
Though I did not LIKE the way my life has gone the past almost 4 years -- I must say that GOD Has been good to me throughout.
Through the horrific pain.
Through the flood gates of tears.
Through pain that cuts your soul.
Through joy that comes from within.
Through the laughter hidden in my spirit.
Through the surprise gifts from friends.
Through the home he provided.
Through the career he gave me.
Yes God has been good to me.
What a beautiful post. We all need to puts things in perspectives like this.
thanks upside.
it is nice when the peace floods in. truly i dont know where or why it is here but i welcome it with open arms!
i am looking now for places to "Give Back". it is time...
feelings of failure today.
liked peace so much better
trying to battle the thoughts so I went to dictionary.com
yeah that didn't work.
Failure = lack of success.
yeah that really helps.
Today thoughts looming.
What did I do wrong?
How did I not see how unhappy he was - if he was for so long?
Why has he not made any attempts to come back?
Why haven't I truly let go?
Does he EVER miss me?
How can he move on to another - move her and her son in.. never considering us again?
So much loss. So much.
I miss my family.
I try to be honest. Is it HIM I miss or the memory of family. I think it is both.
It has been almost 4 years since I have been physically intimate with anyone. Even that seems like a distant thought.
Dating - no desire - no time.
Still stuck.
Can not freakin' believe this.
I had a "Secret" convo with God the other day. Told him -- as He already knows.. I still long for the miracle but am not bound by it anymore.
Cagz -
I see a lot of similarities between our situations. I have no doubt my D will be final shortly after the first of the year. My H will not stop until he "rids" himself of the reason for all of his unhappiness.
You have 2 beautiful children - there is NO failure there.
You remained a loving, faithful wife for 20+ years.
There is VALUE there and a VALUE ADDED life = Success
Good thoughts and prayers your way!
IB
thank IB.
just another layer - more reality - and i think the holidays dont help.
so many thoughts have loomed today. stayed busy... just fighting that same battle of the mind.
i hit a new phase.
strange.
met someone... actually like him.
nothing more then that. i believe it is mutual but its time to make a new friend.. and enjoy the mutual attraction.
is a nice thing not thinking about x all the time. i actually have been thinking of new guy.
wow.. new guy. nothing serious.. just new. NEVER thought.
cant wait to tell u all about it!
Cant wait to hear!
having lots of fun kissak. fun not thinking of x all the time.
really different being ok alone and enjoying the benefits and flirtations with new guy.
nothing even physical - however i am very attracted to him. he is just fun.
he is still seperated - going through the divorce process which takes awhile in my state. looking at being his friend - and enjoying the attraction.
Still enjoying new guy with lots of strange feelings and emotions that I thought were dead. Scary.... not used to "Feeling" again... and want to go slow. AND AM going slow!
thought of hiding in my cave again and not living... still pondering.
Funny though... the growth of ME through all of this.
Had a very very strange thing happen this weekend.
At the mall with d14 and we were at the cosmetic counter having fun with eye makeup. The clerk was helping and doing us up all pretty and such... I sat down for my turn and she says "i am not real spiritual but I get a really good vibe from you.... are you always this happy?" d14 and i look at each other and giggle...
A looooooooooong road... but yeah i can say I am happy again.
Im sooo happy that you are HAPPY again! Stay on that road
C
Wow--awesome-- it is just a matter of time for all of us who decide to move on
It is fun having a BF..enjoy it..you are new now and probably more prepared as it has been a while and the road was long with lots of learning
peace
peace-- it is scary VERY scary and we aren't "there" yet. Trying hard to take it sllllllow. He is amazing. BUT he is still pretty fresh out of his own deal... that in itself scares me terrible!
Anyway- he is in another state -- went there for work and the holiday-- AND he is going to drive 12 hours to take me out on Friday!!
ok... so there you have it..
one thing I Have one last thought. FINDING PEACE and HAPPINESS WITHIN is the important part of everything. FIND your SELF!! that is still what I am trying to do.. FIND me! LOVE ME!
the further we get away from it I believe the healthier it is for us.
for me i so so so loved the highs.. but i can't live the life of a yo yo anymore.. it isn't healthy.
WOW !!! That sounds like me with my H. You are divorced, am I right ? I haven't made that decision YET. Not in a rush for many reasons. 1st - it is my first fall /winter holidays without him. 2nd - I am trying to live one day at a time, just being patient and lastly, he pays my mortgage, why should I break my piggy bank. Let my savings grow until I REALLY need it plus I haven't even dated anyone thus why the rush for the divorce.
My H left me physically March 20, 2010. Came back to me to reconcile on July 1st, broke up with the OW on July 3rd BUT we had a roller coaster ride since then. The first 3 weeks of November were very good then BAM. I, quite by accident, found him on Plenty of Fish, a dating site, looking for an easy going female to have a long term relationship with. WTF ?!?!
I purposely set up an account to reply to him and guess what he wrote, " this is awkward, I never thought we would be exchanging emails on a site like this." Is he NUTS or what ???
Yesterday he sent me an email asking how I am and do I want seltzer water. R U KIDDING ME is how I responded back to him. No apology, no explanations.
He never replied back.
I assume he is going to have a string of women.
I am soooo over this. He is going to be 58 in December, I am 56. My sons' girls told me how my sons are upset, the oldest even cries. They don't say squat to their dad. I assume a guy thing. BUT I know they aren't happy with everything.
I have been following the teachings of Buddhism and it helps me.
Those philosophies are basically what my life coach was teaching me but he called it his own program.
According to Buddhism, Life is full of sorrow and sadness, it is how we learn to handle it. No expectations, just make ourselves happy by the small things in life.
My life reminds me of a soap opera and I always HATED them.
Funny, how everyone from my sister to my friends tell me what is making my H act this way. My sister, a nurse, keeps saying, " he is a player. He was never committed. Remember how he was when first getting married, he wasn't all that into the idea but I think he felt he should get married.
Maybe she is right. I will never know. Just learn how to accept it.
C
and finding tht peace within and keeping focused on it in the new R
not losing sight of all we are now
just enjoying a new friendship --thats it
we will jnot lose what weve gained and no new R will take it
it is ours-
it is scary and so exciting and fun
have fun tonight!!!
Peace
peace- scary journey for sure! My evenning was amazing - he is a wonderful guy.. wounded with things that he needs to go through.
through this - the divorce- the hurt i have met myself again. going through so much of the pain that was built in my past... so much. and now i have become free.
then in walks new guy. we are not exclusive-- he is not ready and to be honest it has been too soon. he has to work through his divorce- and to be honest it is not pretty.
but what it has unraveled is some of the old me popping out and i do NOT like who she was. it was the needy clingy girl who wants him in her life. but he is a strong man -- the kinda i want long term (not just him but a man like him) and strong men do NOT like needy women.
my x is now broke up wiht move in #2 (which is gf #kazillion). she is still living there.. long story. ANYWAY I look at him and see the same man who walked out on me, broke my heart -- he has not grown or changed. HE is the same. AND I DONT WANT to be hte same girl that attracts needed men anymore.
So... a new journey is beginning for me.. the non-codependent woman. This journey is a new one... for the strong independent person I am and was all along.
Hey there, Cagz!
I have been reading along, not really having anything to add as you navigate these new waters...until now.
Funny, you brought up the very thing I think about when it comes to (finally) dating again. I also noticed tendencies that I had that I just did not like. Things my xh didn't like, either, that I had brought right into a new situation.
For me, I wasn't really ready for any kind of relationship, so I picked someone emotionally unavailable..then repeated my life with my h, as I tried to get him to be more available. I guess old habits die hard. I see now that it was kind of my way of testing my own self-worth. Kinda dumb, since it was not a true test.
Anyway, I am glad you are seeing this so early on. Take your time. You deserve nothing but the best!
XOXO,
p.
Cagz,
What you said about strong men don't like needy woman..... so true. Unhealthy men want needy, clingy, dependent woman. We have to stay away from those men... stay away, stay away.....
These are men who can't give us anything but pain and abandonment.
You have grown so much, you will thrive.
Your ex is a total mess.
Good weird weekend.
Lots going through this head of mine and really really glad I see my counselor this weekend!!
Feelings for new guy are real but i know how much he really needs a friend. I am physically attracted to him - and really just like him. BUT I can't have him... not now. Maybe later I don't know.
In my own head I am going backwards... TOTAL friend mode. TOTAL. I can/should date (I guess though I don't want to seek it) and I need to continue on this journey for myself. I am strong now - so much stronger. I love not being codependent and needing to have someone tell me that I have any worth. It is so strange but so wonderful.
New friend has his kids this week and I think it is probably good... a step back to regroup for me. We match in many ways -- It is strange.
It is also amazing being able to make a male friend who is going through what I went through. He is so much further ahead then I was at the same time. But his heart his so torn. Oh how i remember that. The emptiness - the lack of any feeling... just yuck.
Now me? I am living again. So much to learn about me..
hmm wonder what the next year will be like
just posting. so many feelings and emotions. never thought i would/coudl have them again.
you are not dead yet, Cagz......enjoy the positive emotions
t they are scarey - so much going on in my head!
seeing my c tomorrow -- thank goodness!!
my x is psychotic and i ma not lieing!! HE just applied for a rentall house in our old neighborhood!!! didnt even think about the effect that it might have on our daughter. what an idiot. The house he is renting is even the same floor plan as what we lived in!! the house is at the BASE of our street. (we lived in a double cul-da-sac!!) ANYWAY he is an idiot.
i have had way to much contact with him lately.. ugh. he just is an idiot!! Found out more info aobutr him and his finances this week... ugh.
God is good though -- supplying above and beyond for me. so wierd.
New guy--- ahh new guy. yeah it is good. SLOW and he is sweet and all that garbage. lol. Spending time with him on SUnday and really looking forward to it. yep really am.
we talk/text pretty much every day.. but we ar ejust friends. UGH so confusing .. just frieneds that are attracted to each other. lol
oh well this is what it is .. the way it should be.
still confusing... so ready to talk to my counselor!! Actually ben praying that God iwll give him discernment.
C
New R ,dating ect can be confusing
I think what has helped me the most is Im so busy..
working.. friends and kids
that I only have so much time to spend thinking about BF
so that works
R dont have to be hard, and by focusing on us and being non critical toward the other,i think it makes a good trial run for a new R
Im lucky my Bf is very easy to deal with and not living together makes it easier..just what I want --easy fun friendship
peace
Cagz,
Same goes for a new relationship, no expectations, move slow and enjoy the positives. Enjoy....
thats what is weird .. it isn't a "relationship" but we "like" each other.. just so wierd.
oh well.. again glad I see my c tonight!!
wow counseling was so revealing.
we go through all of this.. and we heal. but their are layers beneath that need work as well - but they hide underneath our cave.
by opening up my heart a tiny bit - it has brought out a place that i need more healing. NOTHING to do with my x.. everything to do with who I have been. the unhealthy side of me that was who met my x.
i was extremely co-dependent LONG before i met my x. i have healed from the hurt of him. .. will probably always have to work on trust and other issues.. but this part of me is beyond him.
as a co-dependent person I let others rule my value, my worth. no more. it is time to heal that person. it is time for me to continue to like who I am and who i have become. the heart side of it caused me to get all tangled up and confused. i was really ok being single and alone etc. AND I need to be there but know that i can still "feel"...
this is going to be one very interesting journey!!
by opening up my heart a tiny bit - it has brought out a place that i need more healing. NOTHING to do with my x.. everything to do with who I have been. the unhealthy side of me that was who met my x.
i was extremely co-dependent LONG before i met my x. i have healed from the hurt of him. .. will probably always have to work on trust and other issues.. but this part of me is beyond him.
That is interesting...Glad to see you doing so well!
Soooo, did you get snow your way today??? Nothing but ice here on the coast
kissak - no we didn't get any snow.. just a bit slushy icy. ugh.
i am doing well.. just healing and growing. lol
Funny, you think your done and that nothing will bother you and it does. Filled with lots of anger.. its ok I will survive... thats what I do.
X is moving about 1.5 miles from me.. into our old neighborhood, actually like pretty much on the same street, same house floor plan... with the new family. AND of course he is now trying to be "family man." PUKE!!
Because of this new move he now wants d14 earlier on Christmas. Shoot to be honest I don't even know who's holiday it is. He has NOT been even close to involved or tried in 4 years AND NOW he is coming back around??!!! soooo what do i do? d14 is sad..she feels like he is making anew family - so screw me??!! Whatever. It just [censored].
This is the part of divorce that is the hardest and the worst!
Last night I had a melt down. I cried like I haven't cried in probably 2 years. So much pain.. so tired of pain.
New guy and I are at a good place. A RIGHT place. Really trying to develop a friendship.. but with the holidays and he is going out of town with his kids after Christmas.. so he is "out" of my scope for awhile.
My heart is pretty tired.. the muscles have been used lots and lots lately.. good and bad. Just tired.
Oh Cagz,
Holidays are so hard, just when we think we are good, they throw arrows at our heart.
They connect with the kids, everyone, etc... before us. His showing interest in his child is a positive even though it hurts. Hug your daughter for me though.