Need Help with Husband's MLC - 05/11/10 01:22 PM
Hello Everyone, I am new here but have been trying to "save" my marriage with my husband. I believe he is going through a MLC and I know an old "friend" from when he was young (who is unhappily married) and has 3 kids has been pursuing him.
He is really angry at me and has said all the usual stuff about how he never loved me, etc. We had split 4 years ago (my doing) and got back together. We had a terrible 3 years with jobs, new baby, lost house, health problems on both ends, and I lied to him about some serious things he found out about and now doesn't trust me. In the same token he has cheated on me and was abusive before our split.
We have 3 children together and I have been doing alot of reading and realize that he has needs that I am not meeting and have worked on changing the things about myself that I don't like.
My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.
This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?" I said "no, we can talk about the kids, bills, the household, or anything else." He said, "yeah, you would say that." I told him we can talk about anything - sex, the relationship, whatever but he is not receptive to it and he said that it is my fault and I need to figure out how to change that.
Sometimes he talks like he really wants to go and other times he seems like he doesn't. He won't have sex with me and hasn't for the past 2 years and although I am 103 lbs. and not bad looking and do take care of my appearance he thinks I have "let myself go".
He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.
He told me that the woman he talks to he can actually have a conversation with because there is a give and take in the conversation unlike in ours. He tells me that I never listen to him and that he has told me time and again what he needs and I do everything but that. (Note: I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and take medicine for it and have been working on my issues with it).
He told me that he doesn't believe that I really love him even though I tell him he is wrong. He said he has no respect for me and that I am a liar and don't even know my own feelings.
He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial. He told me I squashed his feelings and he was squasing mine.
He said that he does see some changes but it is too late and they just make him angry because I should have done them 10 years ago and he has no patience for me.
The thing is I really do love this man and I want to turn things around for us as much as I can. I am making changes because I have to - I need to love myself again but I also want to reconcile my relationship with my husband - not the "old" one but a new healthy one for both of us. I really want to meet his needs.
I am lost though and not sure what to do or say to make things go in the right direction. I try to just listen and than he gets angry and says I keep ignoring him. He is like a yo-yo and I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride. Please help! :o)
He is really angry at me and has said all the usual stuff about how he never loved me, etc. We had split 4 years ago (my doing) and got back together. We had a terrible 3 years with jobs, new baby, lost house, health problems on both ends, and I lied to him about some serious things he found out about and now doesn't trust me. In the same token he has cheated on me and was abusive before our split.
We have 3 children together and I have been doing alot of reading and realize that he has needs that I am not meeting and have worked on changing the things about myself that I don't like.
My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.
This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?" I said "no, we can talk about the kids, bills, the household, or anything else." He said, "yeah, you would say that." I told him we can talk about anything - sex, the relationship, whatever but he is not receptive to it and he said that it is my fault and I need to figure out how to change that.
Sometimes he talks like he really wants to go and other times he seems like he doesn't. He won't have sex with me and hasn't for the past 2 years and although I am 103 lbs. and not bad looking and do take care of my appearance he thinks I have "let myself go".
He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.
He told me that the woman he talks to he can actually have a conversation with because there is a give and take in the conversation unlike in ours. He tells me that I never listen to him and that he has told me time and again what he needs and I do everything but that. (Note: I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and take medicine for it and have been working on my issues with it).
He told me that he doesn't believe that I really love him even though I tell him he is wrong. He said he has no respect for me and that I am a liar and don't even know my own feelings.
He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial. He told me I squashed his feelings and he was squasing mine.
He said that he does see some changes but it is too late and they just make him angry because I should have done them 10 years ago and he has no patience for me.
The thing is I really do love this man and I want to turn things around for us as much as I can. I am making changes because I have to - I need to love myself again but I also want to reconcile my relationship with my husband - not the "old" one but a new healthy one for both of us. I really want to meet his needs.
I am lost though and not sure what to do or say to make things go in the right direction. I try to just listen and than he gets angry and says I keep ignoring him. He is like a yo-yo and I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride. Please help! :o)