I used to say that H and I had a gap wider than the Grand Canyon to cross to get back together. Wellll, the gap is getting smaller.
In 2003 my H changed like a light bulb. It took 9 months before it clicked and I'd open my eyes enough to mistrust my Knight in Shining Armor and start looking for evidence of why he changed and treated me like a cowpie.
There's all the gory details in gobs of threads somewhere on this site. Ugly.
I always wonder why H never truly took the last of his stuff and moved out to his secret place. Maybe he knew I would be true to my word when I said if he drove out the driveway to have all his stuff with him because I didn't want him coming back. Anything else I said was empty ultimatums.
I filled my life with the things I love, I worked like a dog to prove that I could keep all the balls in the air even without H. One of the first friends I made here told me that I should let H feel needed. I wish I would have known how to do that.
I never believed that H would not want our life we built, although it doesn't make sense when he tried for so long to leave. I kept my hope, and I had stamina. I got tired of people telling me to move on. I did not want to move on, but I kept moving forward and left room for H to come with me.
H has been inching his way back into my life just as he inched out. He's back in our bed almost every night after 6 years on the couch. H has the softness and care back in his voice. We talk easily about a lot of things but we have a lot of hard discussions ahead of us yet. I do not think we will ever have the fairy tail M back that I thought I had, but we still have plenty of time to work on a new version.
Yowza, WCW! You've really put up with a lot I'd never put up with, but I really like what you said - "I kept moving forward and left room for H to come with me." You've done what you always said you'd do. Didn't pander to him, but didn't slam him to the curb, either.
Regarding fairy tales, they're for kids. You've grown and you've learned. It's only by experiencing those kinds of lessons you reach the understanding to go further, right? So take these lessons and appreciate them, whether it ultimately works out with H or not. You've become better and more understanding.
But work is also work. Don't forget to have a little fun
Really glad to hear he's off the couch!
lodo
WCW,
If you and your H reestablish a better connection, you will have a "fairytale" especially to those who are overly critical and hate marriage. It can be really good and fulfilling.
WCW
It is great to hear your positive news and proves that remaining hopeful but realistic even when it is tough but continuing GALing and DBing works. Even for the spouses who take longer than the majority to decide where the future path lies.
It inspires us to continue to move along in life whilst watching and waiting with lots of patience.
Congratulations WCW, I am so happy for you.
TOH
WCW
Please continue to keep posting! Nice to read some good stuff!
Good luck! I wish you all the best! You have a long road ahead, but it sounds like he is trying to work with you!
Yippee! Maybe the dogs took over the couch for good.
I am so glad you posted again as I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Good things come to those who...work at it.
Hugs, kat
WCW, I am glad that you posted. When people begin to have success, it is good that they come back to share.
Thank you all for stopping in! It's nice to see friends again.
Since I've been here so long I've seen many people drop off the boards and I wonder how their life turned out. I didn't want to leave big question marks hanging around!
By no means do I have my H figured out, or know how to handle the future. Deep inside I feel excited about what we have ahead of us, yet I feel a flatness about all of it too. I really do think my life had a good chance of being easier and on a path I would be comfortable with had H truly left. I still feel some anger about the past and then anxiety about what's next and how to manage what's ahead. Mostly for now I have to remember to just let it happen.
It's odd when we share stories with folks, we have to go back over 6 years ago to find the good times to talk about.
Last night H spent rearranging the basement and putting some of his equipment there to do some of his jobs. We talked about how to make it nicer and and fix it up for him.
Recently we hosted a bus load of 4H kids to our place and H boasted about my accomplishments and shared the spotlight with me. That's rare from H!
There is still a lot missing from our M, and just because I had another birthday doesn't mean I can't still dream like a kid and want a fairytale! lol
WCW
Thanks for coming back to share this. It is an extraordinary thing!
Hi, WCW, I remember you from my old days, used to have a diff name back then. I was here from 2003-2005 back then. I am so very happy for you that things are looking up. Boy, stamina is an understatement. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Hey there! A new thread! Cool! I am so glad that things seem to be moving in the right direction. I think you're the longest DBer I've seen on the bb. Oh, I would love the fairy tale M too. I don't believe it will happen with me, but maybe for you it will. I sure hope so.
I also wonder about those on the board who left, and never let us know what happened. I do hope that they found happiness and didn't need a place like this anymore.
Truegritter, thanks for stopping.
Passenger, any hints on your other name?
BeingMe, how are you doing? not just the M but your health?
3 times a charm? I've been on 3 short trips in the last few months without H. Each time he has been at home when I arrived home. That's a big change from the last 5 years that every time I returned home he was sure to be gone.
While I was out of town this weekend I got a txt from H that "xxxx musical was good". Turns out he went to my goddaughters grade school musical. Whodathunkit? After midnight I got another txt that the neighbors drunk party produced a truck that landed in our trees out front by the road. Two things here - H is connected with my family, and H let me know he was home in the middle of the night.
The friend that traveled with me this weekend mentioned the changes in H that he seems to be the nice guy that he used to be.
It's time for me to step up and include H in what I do, invite him to join me, and open myself up a few strides at a time to see where we go next. Maybe I'll try and 'snuggle' in the middle of the night! gasp! haha
I was at a horse show this weekend, got my first ever Reseve Champion award in a class and was just 1 point away from taking top honors in the whole show! I should have stayed and showed that last class but the road was calling me home....8 hours to drive yet and work at 7am the next day.
WCW, congrats on the Reserve Championship! At my farm we raise and show quarters and paints. Still a thrill when we do well in the show ring.
Sounds like things are headed in the right direction with your H, too! You're an inspiration.
Good luck with the snuggling.
Ahhh, a breath of fresh air.... ;-)
So good to see you post again! Slow as molassess on a frigid winter morning, however, you are doing so well!
Good for you!! So happy that they continue to progress.
hugs, kat
seeking, I hope you get all your chances in the show ring with your quarters and paints. We have the same breeds, plus a few more. I am partial to paints. If you're going to feed them they might as well be pretty too! lol
BT, slower than molasses.....it's been so long to get to this stage. You know patience too, frustrating as it is.
kat, thanks!
H stayed on the couch last night. I don't know why, and I won't ask yet. I actualy sleep better without him in bed, after this many years it's quite an adjustment again.
H is also TRYING to get a handle on his debt. That's something I have been stressing he needs to do. Penalties and interest is killing him. He called yesterday to ask if he could use a couple hundred from another account to cover something until he could get to the bank today to make a deposit. I said yes. Today he put the money back.
I never separated our bank accounts, but I did take him off any of my credit card accounts, except for one I didn't catch and sure enough he caught it and now I am responsible for that debt too.
We spent last evening working together, it felt so natural to be doing what we were doing.
I cannot imagine how hard this is for my H to be working back into the M and my life and keep his enormous Cowboy Pride. I hope that I am not doing anything that makes it harder for him.
Hey WCW! So glad I caught on that you have a new thread... sounds like some good stuff going on in cowboy/cowgirl land. You never know when fairy tale might appear. Hugs to you
Moo!
This is fantastic progress, WCW. I'm thrilled for you!
WCW,
You have done a great job in keeping all of the balls in the air and also dealing w/your h's crisis. They do tend to "inch" their way back and when it's home for good, it will take additional time for him to finally feel like he's back in his own skin and safe once again. Your patience has been great!
With all of this going on, how are you doing these days? Please continue to post....you are making progress even if it he continues to "inch along".
Wow, he's like the movement of the continents! But, though, slooooow, he does seem to move in the right direction. I doubt I would be this patient. You obviously love your H and sometimes I don't think he deserves it, and I wish he realized it, or maybe he does and that makes him afraid. Eh, I dunno.
Thanks NNP and amd. When are you both updating?????
Snodderly, thanks for the pat on the back. Balls in the air for sure! I am doing quite well, thanks for asking. I still stay busy with my own things, and it's nice when H comes to look me up. He's home so much more now that it's an adjustment all over again. I think I have to be careful not to be too evasive at this point and make him feel like he has to chase me.
BeingMe, you may have touched on something - I obviously love my H. Sounds odd? maybe too much, and maybe he doesn't deserve it, and maybe he realized that and add that all up and how in the world does he ever come back? I think that has been a roadblock but at the same time it has been a magnet too. Many people feel like a doormat while waiting or hoping that their spouse will return, I considered myself the rock.
WCW,
I am so proud of you! Certainly, stamina, however, I see so much more within you. You're strength surpasses anything I've known.
The one thing that hit me while reading your posts.... and I think we are on the same note here too, when I say this: It's good for you to be steady, however, do not make it easy for your H. By this, I mean don't help him "fix" things, allow him to work his own way back to you. Yes, I know, he's taking his own sweet time, and yes, I'd be impatient too, heck, I wouldn't be able to do this at all.... nature of the beast I guess, anyway, my gut tells me, if you help him with his work, you'll weaken him.
No, I don't understand it completely, but all I'm saying, it's like a chick you watch break from it's shell... if you intervene, you stand a good chance of loosing the chick, it won't be strong enough to survive on it's own. You need this man to be able to stand on his own two feet.... just as you are doing now.
You want him to be on equal ground, and be able to stand on it too. He wasn't there to help you gain your own ground, and you own that ground.... allow him the time and space (as you already have) to own his ground too.
I hope this makes some sense.... it's been a long day for me already, and the week's excitement hasn't even started yet.
Take care, and keep up the good work!
Passenger, any hints on your other name?
Sure, I used to be rottzilla, and when my H came back, he posted as rottzuki...
WCW - yes, absolutely love the comment about the rock. My H's OW has said "why don't you get counseling for your low self esteem, why would you stay with someone that cheats on you." I feel like it's HER with the low self esteem... she's with a married man, and I'm a rock of strength and fortitude.
You nailed it. People who have not been here cannot understand.
BT - love the chick analogy, I may use that with my friends and family next time they say "why?"
((((((WCW))))))
Long time, no see! I don't always drop in on the MLC board, I almost missed you!
I like what I am reading! You are spot on, I think. His pride is going to keep things moving slowly... if he moves slowly enough, people might not notice he was ever "gone"!
I hope things keep getting better for you. You deserve it!
HUGS!
WCW,
I am so proud of you! Certainly, stamina, however, I see so much more within you. You're strength surpasses anything I've known.
The one thing that hit me while reading your posts.... and I think we are on the same note here too, when I say this: It's good for you to be steady, however, do not make it easy for your H. By this, I mean don't help him "fix" things, allow him to work his own way back to you. Yes, I know, he's taking his own sweet time, and yes, I'd be impatient too, heck, I wouldn't be able to do this at all.... nature of the beast I guess, anyway, my gut tells me, if you help him with his work, you'll weaken him.
No, I don't understand it completely, but all I'm saying, it's like a chick you watch break from it's shell... if you intervene, you stand a good chance of loosing the chick, it won't be strong enough to survive on it's own. You need this man to be able to stand on his own two feet.... just as you are doing now.
You want him to be on equal ground, and be able to stand on it too. He wasn't there to help you gain your own ground, and you own that ground.... allow him the time and space (as you already have) to own his ground too.
I hope this makes some sense.... it's been a long day for me already, and the week's excitement hasn't even started yet.
Take care, and keep up the good work!
That needs to be repeated. It is so spot on. Thank you.
M&H, I remember you! I read your posts and your H's. I haven't found too much time to spend here lately but I will try to catch up and see what's up with you.
VH, glad you found me again! This cowboys pride is for sure very big, and in the past I've managed to strip that from him at times. Don't want to do that anymore!
I'm getting better at listening, it just takes me a while to remember what I heard. It's late and H isn't home yet, but this morning he said he wouldn't be home tonight. I didn't pressure or ask why. Tonight it finally clicked that H had a conversation a few days ago about where he would be tonight. I wonder how many other times I wondered about and already forgot that I knew
Came home from work the other day to find H in bed. (alone, don't panic!) He's been running hard to work and make money and keep all of HIS balls in the air, I think the hours and being tired all the time and the stress wore him out. He was in bed all day, took some stuff for his headache when I offered him something, and he slept all evening. I went about my business outside, came in at dark and H got up to eat some soup, sat around, and we went to bed.
H complained how cold he was, and maybe that was a chance I missed to snuggle with him to help him warm up. Idunno, I am just so used to being selfish now that I just went to sleep.
I am going for a trailride with friends tomorrow and I want to take my young horse for her first time out with a group. H is not coming along, and he is strongly suggesting adamently I do NOT take Young Horse but I take Favorite Mare. I said ok but then you will have to go on some rides with me to get Young Horse ready. H said okay. So um, who really wins?
WCW, that sounds really encouraging that your H is worried about you taking a green horse on the trail ride. Saying he will go with you when you do take green horse out sounds like another step in the right direction.
Have fun on your trail ride!
Well, from my seat, it looks like you both win!
H was able to show you that he has concern for your safety, that he cares, and wants to continue his life with you.
You showed him that you see his concern, he is worth listening to, and you appreciate his advise.
Looks pretty good to me! :-)
you inspired me...
NNP's new thread
Yay you!! You absolutely both win. Beautiful!
On a different note, how's your health these days? You sound like you're totally back to your old active self.
Be well.
Hey Hon maybe you need to get a calendar to write down when he tells you that he will be gone, so later you can remember why! lol
I am happy that things are progressing. You are a very special rock in deed...the diamond in the rough.
hugs, kat
Howdy amd and kat!
Health? the problems I had are in the past, now I just deal with other side effects. It's the part of aging that sucks.
The other evening as I was walking up the hill to do chores I had one of those moments of peace - I love my life and it feels good.
Then reality sinks in and I get overwhelmed by all there is to do. I hate the financial mess and wonder what if anything I can or should do while H won't relate details.
We do more things as partners and it feels good, but I still miss the physical touching that has not returned. There is still plenty of walls between us that need to come down.
WCW,
I know the worry about financials... I really do. You are going to make it, regardless of what financially will happens. Sure, it may not be your first or even your second choice, but you will make it through... and it even may be with heartache.
Unfortunately, the one thing I've learned, is you can't stop the future from happening! All we have IS today, so don't borrow tomorrow's trouble and loose what happiness is meant in today's time.
Yes, I realize this doesn't resolve tomorrow's issues, and the one thing you'll hate, is to find out there was something you couldn't have done today that could have prevented something down the road.... however, you don't have that insight at this time.
Remember, it may not be as bad as you think.
You could ask him to put his cards on the table so you both can work on it together, however, you may risk the chance of him running in the other direction.... then again, he may be relieved by fessing up.
OR, you could talk to an Attorney or an Accountant to find out how you can protect yourself and your home financially from what you assume may happen. I know there's ways of protecting yourself, and it may be the best thing to do.
Live each moment as it comes, until you know the right answer.
I had done some research on lawyers and attorneys, the information was under things on the nightstand by the bed. The other day I moved things and saw it, I wonder if H ever saw it. I had forgotten about it. Was there any shock factor for him? don't know.
Life continues to be crazy busy, in mostly a good way. The family celebrated a bunch of May birthdays with a get together, H was one of the 'victims'.
Our taxes are filed already! returns coming, and this time I should actually receive them if H isn't lying about his sales tax being paid up.
I had a big show this weekend which was only an hour from home. H came with Stud Horse to assist me in some of the cattle classes. The gate lady commented as she was letting us out of the arena how we made such a good team. It was later that she heard that the guy that helped me was my H, and she came over to 'meet' my H and said no wonder we looked so good together! She also made H blush when she told him how very handsome he is. That was all better than the all the wins and points I earned this weekend!
Also, working on new career goals with the support of my manager that has a good chance to result in more money.
So much to do around the place and I am not winning too many of the battles but I keep whittling away at it all. Why do weeds grow so fast? why does the indoor arena always need watering even when it rains outside? why do cattle break thru the fence where they are knee deep in grass to go stand in the plowed field?
H seems to be getting more comfortable sleeping in our bed. He doesn't always stay rolled away from me on the other side, sometimes when I wake up he is touching me in his sleep....
H seems to be getting more comfortable sleeping in our bed. He doesn't always stay rolled away from me on the other side, sometimes when I wake up he is touching me in his sleep....
I have said many, many times that there is no such things as baby steps ... maybe I was wrong ...
Hope the direction he seems to be moving in continues ...
Jeff, so sweet you stopped by! are you on vacation by now?
Baby steps - oh yes! I know you and FIB and others have said there is no such thing but I've always thought it was perception. Add patience, hope, and stamina! Gently fold in courage and fortitude with a pinch of unwavering. Sprinkle with moving forward with your life, and then set the bowl in the freezer to chill until you feel safe to add physical touch, laughter, and conversation with ease. You know that stuff called Friendship Bread the you have to add ingredients every day and then split some batter off and give it away before you bake what you need for yourself? That reminds me of baby steps.
H called today, that is becoming routine again. He gave me some news and in our conversation I said something funny and H had true deep laughter. It sounded wonderful.
You are an inspiration! I hope I have half your strength to run this marathon!
Peace
PEI
Thank you PEI!
Quite a night last night when H came home and asked me to check his pulse, and I listened to his heart, and we hit the ER until 2am. All seems ok now, but who sleeps after that? H allowed me to be with him the whole time, he seemed to even appreciate me, and he didn't squirm when people asked how we are related.
I truly believe that H bottles so much up inside that he could easily kill himself with stress while looking calm cool and collected. He makes comments from time to time about money, and that he will never be out of debt, and last night while hooked up to all the machines he fretted how he would pay these bills now?
I am torn what to do, how much to help if at all without jeopardizing my own finances.
H has been initiating PT/intimacy. It concerns me after my surgeries and how my body has changed and what do I do to reciprocate and enjoy? more research.....
A renewed kind of pressure from H. He has a new type of event he's doing this weekend and he has a list of things he wants me to do for him, and has asked numerous times what my plans are and what time I am coming. It's an adjustment for sure after so many years of only thinking about me and my schedule....
Guess I better get busy!
Sounds like a good kind of adjustment to be making!:)
Looks like things are progressing . . .
Thanks trusting. Things with H are moving along, I'm liking it! The little niceties about him are returning - he held the water fountain on for me, he fixed the shear pin in the bush hog (although I broke it again), he's going to let me borrow his truck to travel to a horse show while mine is in the shop being fixed from the damage from the deer I hit at 70mph. He's also started doing some laundry at home again so I think I need to get busy and consolidate my stuff in the closets and make room in preparation for when he starts moving clothes back in.
I'm sad about other things this weekend. My nieces stepD is a brand new adult with a young baby, and she is messing up her life and said she won't lose the zero that she's with until the next guy is lined up. It's so sad to see the danger she is putting her baby in while with this guy. She is young and smart and pretty but doesn't think much of herself. I know I can't 'fix' this, but any ideas how to help?
On this fathers day, my mom and stepdad are in the middle of one of their worst ever fights. 79 years old and they are threatening each other with lawyers. I asked my mom what started it and what they were fighting about and she couldn't remember.
Today H left on a trip for most of the week, he gave me a nice hug before he left and then called while he was driving to the airport and we talked a long time. Gosh, maybe I'm going to miss him while he's gone!
Ahhhhh :-)
I'm so proud of you! You are doing a wonderful job!
Thank you BT.
Back in the old days whenever H or I would be away from home we always started and ended our days with a call to each other. That all went away almost 7 years ago.
Until now. H left on his trip on Sunday and he's called each morning and night and txtd or emailed. Sweet.
Last night we had bad storms and a community not far from me got ripped apart pretty bad. H has been the stormspotter, and last night he called and stayed on the phone with me to alert me to what was coming while I ran from barn to barn to get everything closed up before the rain hit.
What a difference from the storms he was on the phone with ow and he had to run to her town and help. Oh yeah, of course I wouldn't let him go alone. haha
Fun day planned tomorrow with family and gnieces/nephews! I'll get to feel like a kid all over again! weeeeeeeeee
I can feel you smiling through the computer all these miles away! Nice....
Hi NNP, what's happening with you?
I'm feeling emotionally exhausted from dealing with problems of other family members and coworkers. It must be a full moon! One night I dropped into bed and never heard H come to bed. I woke in the night with a start and wondered why he didn't come to bed, and then realized he was next to me.
I had a bunch of things to do for H while he was out of town, including mailing a bunch of packages for him. He had asked for insurance to be put on one of them and I forgot when I mailed it. He asked why I didn't do it. No thanks for the 99 things I did right, just pointing out the 1 thing I did wrong. Ok, so that's my H! Actually that's how so many people are, and I have grown and learned to deal with it but that doesn't mean I have to like it!
I have 2 little girls all ready to go to the horseshow this weekend and it cancelled due to weather. I'm not sure who is more disappointed! The girls or me!
This has been the most gorgeous weather week! I'm not sure it could get any better!
H continues to be friendly, we talk about things, we spend time together. Still waiting for the physical touch and natural closeness we had to return. H does not initiate that but sporadically initiates
. Still waiting for my first kiss. Would that be a virgin kiss seeing it's been so many years since the last one??
There's been a few times when H has really really irritated me and I had all I could to do to keep from snapping at him. I stuffed it because in the BIG picture it was not important. Who knows, maybe he's still dipping his toes in the water to see if it's safe.
WCW,
From what I understand, your H won't feel comfortable in his own skin for a long while, so he's not going to feel completely "safe" or home for even longer. He's probably still expecting you to turn him away, and feeling you still have a right to. It'll all probably come around the same time as that first kiss!
So I see the couch is gone? Good! I'm going to leave the virgin thing alone, but am glad there's reason to ask. I'll check back a little later.
Happy Birthday America!!! BT, thanks for that reminder. There are times when I wonder how comfortable I feel in my skin, so I am sure H has a long way to go as well.
PS, how are you? whatchya up to?
H is getting busier with his newest business adventures, and the majority of it is being run out this house. That's nice! and H is home so much more. Even if it isn't necessarily together time I have peace of mind that he is home. He seems energetic and excited and is always coming to show me new things and ask what I think. I'm liking it!
One morning I had a breakfast meeting for some volunteer stuff. When I asked H if he wanted to come along he said no. When my ride arrived I went and asked H if he changed his mind and he said yes and he came along. He was a good contributor too!
We've been busy this summer with the racing schedule although the 'team' hasn't been having a great season. It seems a struggle to keep the car on the track to finish the feature race the last few weeks. Disappointing when I know the driver has the ability to be in the lead. Last night he was racing in 3rd place early in the race but by lap 10 the motor got hot because of all the yellow flag cautions. We called it the Johnny Cash race, they could only get in one lap at a time because of all spins and wrecks.
We have friends celebrating their 45th anniversary today. Wow! They asked to get together with us so we're heading over later today. If the weather holds nice we'll take horses along and do a little roping, then BBQ and hang out. Getting more and more like the good old days with H.
Ahhhh, sounds so nice! It's raining here, but that's okay too.
WCW, I'm driving myself crazy, that's what I'm up to..... Still haven't heard from D, and scared stiff because I know what Dick can do to the heart and soul of a person. I'm worried about her and I can't seem to stop focusing on her. Now, since they haven't been able to see each other since school let out, the boyfriend has finally called their "relationship" off, and now she is totally alone out there.
As for me, I have this feeling I'm just in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing.
I'm doing pretty good, had a great 4th and am getting ready for a move in a couple of weeks. Work is busy, but that's a good thing.
Been on and off with the dating thing. Started to have a somewhat serious relationship, but there was a few things that weren't feeling comfortable, so I stopped that. At my age I wasn't going to play any games so I went with honest and straight forward, she appreciated that, we can still talk and have decent friendship with no hard feelings.
It's great to see all your hard work paying off, keep at it and I'll drop in here every once in awhile.
BT, there's been gaps of silence before from your D and it's been ok. Remember, she had a plan in place and try to trust that she is enacting that plan. How are you doing otherise? how is work? how are your dogs?
Phoenix, thanks again. Moving sounds like hard work and I think I am allergic to that! Honest should always be the right way and I'm glad that worked out for you.
H and I had an enjoyable evening visiting with our friends. On the drive over H spent most of it talking to his youngest son while I worked on some paperwork. It's been quite a while since H has been comfortable enough to talk on the phone with his kids in my presence. If you recall, he had told them that we were separating but he never told me! I found out thru the grapevine a year later they had been told.
H has been asking many questions about my family. He wants to know what I know, and he makes his comments. It's all okay, it's just hard to remember that maybe I should be sharing things with him again. Yet, his family events are not shared with me. Do I just need to reciprocate and ask H all kinds of questions? It's been 6 years since I've had contact with any of them, except for one surprise visit by one family.
Last week at work there were 3 people that went to court for a D. NONE of them were granted!
When up on the roof I heard such a clatter
and looked out to see the ladder
and H was on the roof trying to fix the leaks
that have been there for 60 weeks!
Must be Christmas in July! lol
WCW,
That's a good thing unless the clatter you heard was H falling off the roof!
Hi SA, H was safe!
Another wall came down tonight. I gave H a phone number to return a business call. H asked the name and then went into a long story about this woman. Within the story came out ows name, barely a catch in his voice or change in expression on his face. I consider this a victory!
I know 99.9% here will enforce a no contact ultimatum with the op. I've never felt that would work in my sitch. H and I and ow all do business in the same circle. Remember she left her H and built a palace with big bucks. She fashioned her life after MINE.
But tonight, I feel another wall crumbled and H continues to let his guard down and be his natural self around me.
A good reminder that DB is a guideline but you have to mold it to fit what works for your individual self and your own sitch.
I am so glad that things are getting better and better! If anyone desrves it, it is you.
hugs, kat
WCW,
Wow.
In a good way wow. : )
Level head and keep doing what you're doing. Do not fall into the trap of rushing foward because of good things...keep the steady pace.
: ) Happy for you.
Thanks kat and Jack.
I always want to hit the fast forward button but it ends up more like reverse!
We had a local horse show last weekend, H was the official so I did not show but took 2 horses for grandkids of 2 of my sis's to use. I had such a blast! Watching those kids have such a great time riding and smiling filled my heart with so much joy that my eyes leaked! Lot's of family came to watch the grandkids and that was fun too.
One night H slept on the couch. I did not ask him about it. I just enjoyed the whole bed to myself that night.
H has been using one of my credit cardcs to purchase business items and to date has always paid me back before the due date. I am a little mixed on this but I figure that at least he is showing some type of financial responsibility by not putting more on his cards that are high interest with balances.
I have to remind myself that H's LL is WOA. He loves to be praised, but who doesn't? Along with that I have to be sure and sleep enough so that I don't turn sour and I can focus on positives.
Hoping things are still going well. There may always be a little slip back after progress is made but you have come so far. Happy for you.
hugs, kat
Hey kat, thanks for checking on me and the hugs too!
Still moving forward....
I took a chance - 'hired' some new ranch help. I had asked H what he thought before I took on the new guy and H said he wasn't enthused about the idea. Problem is I need some brute and brawn to do some of the things I can't do myself and H won't or doesn't make time to help me with. So I hired the guy anyway. It's only been a week, but H has made numerous comments....H is impressed with the guys work! whew! so far so good.
It's also cool to note that other help has worked here for months before H even met them. Now H is around so much that he knew right away!
Still have a long ways to go between H and me but we keep taking baby steps.
So glad the help is working out for you. As for your H ... I just have to say, you have the patience of a goddess. Is this what is needed in training horses?
BM, thanks I think.
Reality is yes much patience is needed with horses if you want to get good results. Many people think they can whip and spur and might even get a horse to ride but in the long run there's a good chance they'll get bucked off when they're not expecting it. I don't use whips or spurs, I bring out the best in my horses by convincing them to be my partner and work with me to get the job done. That does sound a lot like DBing, yes? Not every horse responds the same way, not every spouse responds the same way.
The other thing is I enjoy so much of my life at this point that the rough spots with H are minute now. I wish it were better faster, but it's not where I choose to focus my energy. Granted that it took me years to get to this stage, but here is where I am.
Baby steps...remember I don't believe in them.
But keep going anyway.
BTW, like how a horse and a spouse was used in the same sentence.
Heya Jeff, believe...believe....believe.
Speaking of horses, I am currently ranked 4th in the nation in one of my events and top 10 in another.
Now the decision is if I have the time and resources to hit the road even harder and chase more points.
Due to mucho rain last week all the weekend activities were cancelled we had planned. Good way to get some much needed work done! it also ocurred to me that neither H or I left the place for 2 whole days. I don't remember the last time that happened!
WCW - CONGRATS!!! What an accomplishment!
We took a colt to a halter futurity on Sunday, and they canceled it due to weather, too.
Glad to hear that things are still going well. Thanks for stopping by with the birthday wishes. I am going to focus on trying to make some of my wishes come true!
kat
(((WCW))) thinking of you... congrats on the rankings. I don't know much about horses, but that sounds real good and besides you're a "world champion" in these parts
This past week has gone by as fast as a frog trying to get out of the way of the lawn mower! wow
I did mostly okay at the last show but always wish for more and better. My most proud moment was when my little leadliner finished first in her class on my mare! Just 5 years old in only her 2nd ever show and she kicked butt!
H seems very busy but he is home a lot more and still redoing the basement for a portion of his business stuff. I benefit too as he finally fixed some of the deteriorating exterior of the house. yeah!!
I still get many calls for H on my phone and I pass the message along to him. Then I get repeat calls because he doesn't return the calls, and I feel like a nag when I remind him or say the person called again. Any ideas how to deal with this better?
Some management training at work contained this and it seemed so much like DBing!
When it comes to relationships, the challenge that confronts us is that we often want more than we are willing to work for. Sometimes our desire for quality relationships is greater than our willingness to engage in the hard work necessary to build them. When this happens, our relationships fall short of their potential. Or worse, they become difficult and painful. When it comes to relationships, be careful of wanting more than you are willing to work for. The grass is always greener where you water it.
Any ideas how to deal with this better?
Write down the messages on stick-it notes and stick it on somewhere where he will see it. It's not for you to keep at him to return calls, but it must be annoying when people keep calling. They probably think you didn't give the message. If he doesn't want to get back to people then that's his problem.
Otherwise, things seem to be going well.
WCW,
Any chance of contacting the places that leave messages on your phone and giving them contact info directly to your H or his message service?
can you forward the messages to his phone?
Those are all good ideas and I have tried each of them. H is always on only his time schedule and returning calls is not on the top of his list. It grates me when I keep getting called because he has not returned the call, yet I don't want to be the nag or sound like a skipping record....or sound like a skipping record......or sound like a skipping record.....
Financially H is still a mess but he is no longer in denial about it and is at least trying. I still feel the fallout as he has not helped with anything that used to be 'joint' bills like mortgage, utilities, etc. Good news is a simple rewrite of the mortgage and I drop 1.22% and save a couple hundred a month.
Today was a return of memories as I saw one of the vets that assisted the day I found my dear Mother Mare down. I always wanted to thank him for his knowledge and kindness on the dreadful day 3 years ago now. He also remembered the day well and we talked quite a while and he was glad to hear how she turned out, and also had to look away when I told him we lost Mother Mare a year later.
Circle of life continues - I need to go get busy packing as I pull out early am to head to a show with my best mare, a Mother Mare daughter.
Wow, this sounds like a downer post but in reality I don't feel that way at all!
WCW,
Best of luck at the horse show!
Thinking of you. I hope you had a lovely weekend.
kat
Another week flew by!
One night H and I were on our way to pick up friends and attend a meeting. On the way H made a comment about a real stupid thing I had done recently, so I used the chance to explain some of the stressors in my life that have been affecting my sanity. H had quite a lot to say but stopped when company joined us, and at the end of the evening when we were alone again he picked up the conversation right where we left off.
Interesting for sure, and it felt good to confide some things and get some good feedback from H.
Other than that I've been mega busy at work and lazy at home. Looking forward to a weekend at home even if it is filled with people and activities.
H and I went to a wedding last weekend and the officiator started with this story -
A chicken told the pig she heard the farmer talk about having ham and eggs for breakfast the next morning.
The pig started to cry.
The chicken asked the pig what was wrong?
The pig said that thinking about ham and eggs for breakfast made him cry.
The chicken asked what made him cry about breakfast?
The pig told the chicken that for you it was just a contribution, for me it is a total commitment.
Two people in a marriage cannot make contributions, that each are giving 50% to make 100%.
Each person must give 100% of yourself to the marriage.
Awesome story, even for the poor little pig. Glad you and H are getter closer.
big hugs, kat
Thanks for the hugs kat!
I went to the local fair and heard an old song playing - You ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man.
I grinned inside.
The next song - Stand By Your Man.
hhmmmm
I came home and H was at work in the basement, I went to say hi. He put me to work too! That's a good thing, I have been waiting for him to ask rather than me jumping in the middle of things.
Showing this weekend, chasing points.....
WCW,
Thank you for continuing to share your story. Your R sounds so positive and gives the rest of us hope.
You go girl, and round up those points!!!
It has to be the full mooon. Problems with my truck, the cows are sick, gates open themselves, lots going wrong. Except with H, he's been great and we keep moving along. He's even borrowing me his truck while mine is in the shop - for anyone that doesn't know the whole story I will sum it up - BIG deal that I am driving his truck.
Letterman just said Favre is so old that at training camp today he fumbled his teeth. lol
all of those "problems" just don't seem so big accompanied by the news of things with H being great! WOW
LOL at Letterman
Don't blame it on the Moon...blame it on Mercury instead! lol Sorry things are going awry but when things get better we appreciate them so much more. Keep moving in the right direction with your H.
hugs, kat
Mercury or moon, I'm sure glad it's over! whew, it was a week of trouble. Truck in the shop, flat tire on a borrowed vehicle, wheel broke off the mower deck, sick cows, vet for the horses, Faithful Dog to the vet, issues with staff at work, onandonandon.... now to regroup and get out the humptydumpty glue.
On a good note -
H and I communicate more although still much room for improvement
H and I have both initiated sex and had good response, but I still call it sex and not ML
We do a lot more together but still maintain our own space
H is very very involved in my family, so much almost more than me and I could be jealous!
I have to continue to find ways to make the ranch profitable as H continues building his own revenue and has no time for things he did that would bring ranch revenue. It's hard to do while I work fulltime+ in town, I was hoping by now things would get more manageable.
I have realized that I find myself waiting for H to do things again, and it bothers me. I think it's better if I take the initiative and just do it - sometimes.
I was so tired last night...How tired was she????
I was so tired I was in bed by 10pm. I heard H come home, later he walked in asked if I was okay. I said yes. He said he looked all over outside for me because the lights were on in the barn, the dogs were out, he thought maybe the livestock got out and I was trying to find them in the cornfield. The house was dark but he came in to look for me, and I was in bed!
My nephews little girl is one of my 'leadliners' at the horse show. She does well and has won her class all 3 times she has shown. Nephews W likes horses and has come riding a few times also. Tonight I get a txt from her that she really appreciates my horses now because she went riding with a high school friend and those horses weren't so good. So, guess where she went to ride with her friend? Well?? did you guess yet?? ow's place! yes, her friend boards her horses at ows place.
Most likely no one else makes the connection. I know I shouldn't say anything, my family has never been told about the hell I've been thru the last 7 years. In fact, in one more week is the 7 year anniversary of when I noticed the light switch change in H.
H does know that nieceinlaw was thinking about getting a horse that was kept at ows. When I asked his advice on the horse he knew the horse well and advised against it.
Venting here, I know that spouting off and filling in nieceinlaw about ow would not help anything except me short term. Nothing about this has been short term so no sense seeking short term satisfaction now!
OMG! There are still little twists and turns in your sitch, aren't there? This sure has been a long journey for you, and I hope that your H finds his way back soon.
Twists and turns are a normal part of life, yes? It's how we deal with them that determines the outcome.
Exciting news in the racing world, my nephew won the main event again! one more night of the regular season left to go.
H is making good progress with his new business venture. He is excited about life again, and I think I can be there when he asks but I need to leave him be the man in charge.
H accepted an invitation from friends for us to join them for a BBQ tonight.
For anyone reading that is just starting or anywhere on your journey thru MLC land, the rewards are worth the wait if you can take it.
WCW - has it really been 7 years?! That is actually depressing. I can't imagine being so heartsick like I am right now for 7 years.
7 years! I've been at this 7 months and I want to bite someone. I'd bite the OW, but I'm afraid she communicable. I say 7 months, only as the point at which he ditched the family and left. It was going on long before that.
Yes, 7 years, September 2003 was our 10th anniversary. Two weeks before that there was a change in H like flipping a light switch. It wasn't until May 2004 that I figured it out, June 2005 when I found this site but it took me a long time to start getting it right. Nothing I did was the right thing to improve my sitch, but there are things I will never regret that I did.
IMO there are things you can do that might not set a sitch going backwards, but there isn't really much you can do to make anything happen. It takes time and patience, and you have to live your life and keep your eyes where you want to go. What you focus on expands.
H and I had a good day working on fence repairs, talking the whole time about stuff and life, and then joined friends for the evening.
Still a long ways up to go but we are going up.
So how are things going? Hopefully still in the right direction.
Just thinking about you and wanted to check in.
kat
Hi kat, nice to see you! How are you?
Life with H is poking along at our pace of snails. lol That's ok I guess, I might not be ready to accept anything faster and I would be too suspicious of any sudden 180 from H.
I have realized that I am a stronger personality and independent person when I have H who is out of my life than when he is around. I almost feel like I get lazy and dependent on him to help with things. But then I think heck, isn't that part of what M is? you can depend on your spouse for support physically and emotionally?
Anyway, kicking off the fall show schedule this weekend, only drove 8 hours to get to this show. I have 2 or 3 shows a month for the next 3 months. As far as I can tell I moved up a position and am currently ranked 3rd in the nation in one event but still 20 points behind the leader. The chase in on!!! sure wish I would have started sooner in the year...
I am doing pretty well. Celebrated S18's birthday Saturday and tomorrow is S14's birthday. So Mom is hopping! lol
All of this stuff comes when we are ready to handle it. Like you said if he had made a quick change, you may not have trusted it. Good for you on the rankings! Sometimes slow and steady wins the race and hon that is right up your alley!
hugs, kat
kat, your kids are so lucky to have you to arrange all those celebrations!
Speaking of celebrating - this week is another anniversary for me and H. It's been a number of years since we really celebrated it and I don't think this year will be a real big deal. In fact, I may be out of town pending travel to another show. But I do think maybe I'll do a real card this year and something small, maybe a gag gift for H. I think H will keep plenty of distance yet.
This may be TMI but I need to share. Baby steps? - we have now gone from 'just sex' to 'sex with foreplay'.
It just takes so long to knock down those walls, may of them being mine and not knowing how to deal with myself after surgeries. Nice to know it's okay again.
You go girl!! Sometimes I think any sex would be great but nope, that isn't how I am. It needs to mean something. So I might still be a while seeing as I am not even dating anyone right now. lol
hugs, kat
I get what you mean kat. If it wasn't someone I cared about I wouldn't want just sex.
How does that go? a woman wants to feel loved to have sex and a man wants sex to feel loved.
My H now recalls conversations from the last 7 years with more clarity than I do. It amazes me. What if I was the one in the fog and he has been waiting for me? Scary!
Shipped some beef today, I mentioned maybe we should keep 1/4 for ourselves as the freezer is getting empty. H said "as long as people are standing in line to buy it take the money while you can and I hope to put meat in the freezer from my hunting." Nice.
interesting thoughts there WCW. You seem good.
Just checking in! So glad to be hearing positive stuff when I come by.
hugs, kat
Thanks ladies.
Positive is a state of mind. I work on seeing the good side rather then the negative. Some days are easier....
We made it past another anniversary. I was up about 3am to get ready to leave for a horse show. H got up and helped me carry things out to the trailer and get ready to leave. I left a card on the table for him and we hugged goodbye, I said Happy Anniversary. whoopytido. I didn't expect more, but I wish for more.
H is often downstairs 'working' on his computer now before I leave for work. I think it's rude for him to ignore me leaving, but I've reached out to say goodbye or to go down and say goodbye. Today I opted to just leave, I mean gosh I've been leaving at the same time for 30 years! Guess who showed up to ask me something before I drove away?
I had one of the besteverinalongtime weekends! I traveled to a show and my folks came along. Everything worked out so great, my horse and I showed well and even went Reserve Champion Mare, and it was so awesome that my folks had a good time. They haven't seen me show since I was very young, and it was nice to have their interest in what I am doing.
I got home to an empty place but H had bagged a big buck while bow hunting and was taking care of stuff. He made good on his promise to put meat in the freezer! We had a good reunion.
I always wish for more to be done while I am gone, but, um, is that too selfish to ask for H to stay home and work harder while I am off showing?
WCW,
It all sounds awesome! Congrats!!!
WCW,
Nice to come back to the boards and see you in such a good place!
Thanks seeking!
opti, it's been such a long time. So many long years that M was only a paper and not reality. It recently dawned on me that all those years and I thought I actually got used to sleeping alone, but I never did. I heard every noise H made from the other end of the house. Now that he is is on our bed again, I truly sleep, and he can crawl in and out of bed right next to me and I never hear him.
Another great weekend in the books! Had the weekend off from the show road, and did some relaxing trail riding with friends.
Today H had a lady come with her horse who had asked for a 'lesson' to work cattle. The lady was from ow's barn, and she had ows truck! it briefly crossed my mind to get the tractor or skidloader with forks out and have the brakes fail..
I got a note today from my 6 year old leadline friend - Dear WCW, I like you. I miss you. Can I ride your Horse?
haha, who do you think she really likes?? We had a great ride across the open fields, this little girl can ride!!
Of course she likes you, because you have that wonderful horse she can ride!! lol She would be crazy not to like you. You sound so good. It is like music to my ears. keep it up my dear friend.
hugs, kat
Weather turned chilly and last night in bed I wanted to move next to H last night and gleen some body heat from him. He flinched and moved away anytime I would get close. phoooeeeyyy. Might have to turn the furnace on instead!
I am headed out to a show this weekend, and a couple days after I get back H leaves for his annual fall trip and will be gone a couple of weeks. I used to hate it when H left but in recent years I've come to think it's good. Perfect time for a break!
The show this weekend has an event called Freestyle Reining. I am entering, it's a big step for me! I am choreographing my routine to a song written by a good friend about another good friend. Hope it turns out!
Best of luck at your event WCW! Please let us know how you do.
Hopefully H warms up soon. Tell him snuggling saves on heating costs.
The show went great, the weekend was a hoot of fun! Currently ranked 2nd in the nation in one event, top 10 in a few others. I have to miss a show this weekend, and then there are only 2 left for the year. I think I will run out of shows before I can overtake the 1st place horse but with luck will stay in 2nd. As my H would put it - that's the first place loser. <sigh>
H left on his trip today. He asked me to take him to the airport. That's a change from when I never even knew he was going anywhere until a couple days before he left. Also new again, H stopped before we left the driveway and prayed for us.
A little venting - H left the skidloader on empty, the fuel jugs empty, his vehicle empty and in need of repairs, his checking account empty, and the worst of all the coffee jar was empty! That's going too far!!
It's been a week of stress at work, seemed like a good way to destress would be a nice campfire. Wrong, even the campfire kicked my butt! sigh
A lady stopped in to pick up stuff, and she asked if I missed H yet? I joked back - H who? I don't know her much at all and I wondered why she even knew H was on a trip? Then she started asking about boarding horses and she currently boards at ow's barn, and explained the setup to me, and then said "it's a lot like this setup". I just said H had a lot to do with that setup.
I guess it never ends whether the WAS stays or walks.
Good weather this weekend for outdoor plans. Loving it!!
But OW's setup doesn't have you!!! You make a world of difference. Your love for horses just pours out of your posts. glad things are still going well. As for your H leaving things undone...he is still a man hon. He isn't going to be perfect just because he has come home.
kat
Thanks kat, you can always put a positive spin on something!
H gets home tonight, I pick him up in a few more hours. I have fresh homemade cookies, and a single flower, shaved my legs, I'll put some fresh smelly stuff on. Most everything is in good order, critters are taken care of.
Most likely am setting myself up by having expectations but I would like this homecoming to be different than the last ones from H's annual trip. I think it's time, but I'll have to see what H's attitude is. I hope I can get a quick read!
thinking of you an hoping you have a sweet homecoming
Sooooo, how did it go??
kat
Be on time for 11pm pick up - check
Hot fresh coffee - check
Homemade cookies - check
Simple flower - check
Smell good - check
Smiles and hugs - check
Check check check check
What a change this year has been when stacked up to the previous 6 years. Nice!
Finally caught up.....phew!
You sound great
So happy to read your latest post <3
Different expectations lead to different results! Good job hon.
kat
Thanks bnd and kat!
I could use some input quickly if anyone is reading.
I want to go to an event in December that requires airfare to get there. We have friends that have free admission tickets to the event along with 2 free night in a hotel. Our cost will be airfare and food. This is an expensive event and it will never be any cheaper than this, plus it is on my 'bucket list' to do this.
I have asked H, and he wants to go, but doesn't have money to buy airfare. I said I would buy, it would be his early Christmas present. Then H said if there is extra money for his airfare he would rather spend it to bring granddaughter HERE next year.
Now that is truly something I would love, and also shows another change in H behavior.
Tonight we are getting together with friends to buy airfare, what words can I use to encourage H to come along? I am not made of money but this would be a great trip for us.
WCW,
If it's a once in a lifetime thing to go to the event at this rate then tell H it was meant to be and there is no one else you'd rather share it with than him. (Unless of course you would like to take me instead.) JK LOL
It's pretty close to once in a lifetime since it's the first time in my life I've been offered free admission and free hotel!
H has been so stressed about money, he is always barely making ends meet, and often the ends are not meeting! It hurts me to see him struggle yet - he was out racking up bills and overspending while I struggled to keep the mortgage paid. I wonder too how much he 'whines' on my sympathies to see if how much I will help without him asking, yet if I offer he won't take my help. Seems like we're spinning!
We went to friends to make the trip plans, H was nodding all along, right up to the time to put his name on a ticket, then he said he didn't know if he was going. We didn't finalize anything, waiting until everyone gets back from weekend trips and will regroup again. Bummed.
H was wishywashy about even going on the trip this weekend, he said he should stay home and make money. The trip he is on this weekend is all reimbursable, but he didn't have 'front' money to go. I gave him money and a credit card for the trip.
I went with the Race Team to the banquet last night, my nephew finished the season Top 5, huge trophy! Of all things, my night capped off by a lady who cornered me to talk about problems she had with her horses - that she keeps at ows. She wants to come to me for lessons and help with her horses. It was hard to listen to her talk about how ow talks about my H. ow obviously is not done trying to dig her fangs into my H, so I give my H extra credit for 'finding his way back' while she is still luring him. Such a reminder not to get complacement!
My night ended with a huge hug - from the lady that wants help!
Just checking in.
Hope things are still moving forward.
kat
Well, the good news is we have a new puppy!
The bad news is, we have a new puppy.
It is bad news because it may have been the last straw for a M of some family/friends. I hope they work it out.
Working on getting along with a new person at work, it's hard to always drop what I am doing when a demand is made.
H is the good part of my life at this point, about time!
One more show to wrap up the season, I think I'll spend the winter months being lazy after the season is done!
WCW,
Congrats on the new puppy! It doesn't sound like you'll get to be lazy after show season. You'll be housebreaking the puppy!
I am so happy to hear that it's all finally coming together for you and your H. Your patience, and understanding have been rewarded. I hope your H realizes how lucky he is.
All the best to you both!
H is the good part of my life at this point, about time!
Wow, I am very happy to read that and very happy for you!
Show season is all wrapped up, waiting for final points updates before I brag!
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. This year is the first in a long row that I don't feel like this will be the last year we spend together.
A friend stopped by tonight and said she and her H weren't getting along so great right now because she just found out why they kept getting denied for refinancing their house. She saw the credit report and the 5 credit cards maxed out. She had no clue. My H didn't say much, and neither did I, we listened. Recovering from the debt fiasco will be tough for a long time.
I hope everyone finds at least one thing to be thankful about.
MOO! Love you, WCW! You sound fantastic. I love your description of H inching his way back into your life at the beginning of this thread--he continues to make his way home to you slowly but surely. Happy Thanksgiving!
WCW,
You asked about Laughing/Between the Tears....I have not heard from her in several months.
Thanks snodderly.
amd, so nice that you checked in, hope you keep updating!
Well, I think H is ready or almost ready for the Big F talk - Finances. Maybe it was spurred by the friend the other night, and what he heard me say to her about handling talking to her H. Today, H stopped by my work just as I was ready to leave, and said he had been to see our banker and got an application to see if he could get a consolidation loan. It would be less interest/one payment rather than trying to pay on multi credit cards. I asked how much total, and though I am shocked at the 6 figure amount it is still not as bad as I was preparing myself for.
I cannot understand why I am not furious about all of this, and I almost feel calm now that H is finally ready to address this mess. What is wrong with me?
To top off the day I got a call that involved horses/ow again, and I had to pass the message to H. He received it well and seemed to understand and address my feelings about the request. Time will tell.
Nothing's wrong with you. You knew about the financial disaster (in general terms) almost two years ago, if I recall, and chose to move beyond it. You were prepared.
Oh, in case you don't recognize me after my banning, I used to be dh.
Life with H is still improving. I have made room in the bedroom again for his clothes should he choose to move them back in to the house. He's been leaving things a little at a time, so I figured it was time to make room. No announcement, no shouting from the top of the mountain, just action at the pace of a snail.
H joined me for family activites this weekend. I had a brief flashback of 7 years ago when he blew up about nothing and left in the middle of the night, and I was such a wreck for this family day. But ya know what? only 1 person noticed anything at all, so maybe I was only a wreck on the inside.
The other evening H and I sat and talked about nothing and anything, the tv was off, the computers were off, just us talking. Years ago a poster here told me to do that, and it has taken me this long to take that advice and feel comfortable that it would be okay.
I am still learning and feeling out how to help and support without being controling or emasculating. Wow that's hard for me!
You mean you are giving him more than a drawer?? lol So glad that you are both moving towards each other and learning new ways to handle things.
hugs,kat
Very nice to read some positives WCW!!!
Here's my vent for the day - H hogs the covers. LOL I have arranged them evenly, more on my side, more on his side, he always ends up with the most and I am cold on the outside edge. But, I ain't saying a word about it because once when I asked why he was still sleeping on the couch he told me because I always complained that he hogged the covers and told everyone about it! So mums the word, and I'll get another blanket just to hang over my edge of the bed. LOL
It still works best for my sitch to plant the seed when the ground is ready and let H do the watering. He talked about his dry itchy back and I said "remember when we gave each back rubs with oil and ...." of course he said "NO" but later that night was good.
Scrooge H is visiting this holiday again. Well okay, not quite that bad, but the grumpy H is surfacing. I had hoped that maybe with the better year behind us H wouldn't get the crabbies this year. <sigh>
Shopping is done, I didn't have a lot to do though, just have to wrap today!
I hope everyone has a season of joy and peace and something to smile about. If you can't find it, create it!
WCW,
Your h is still processing everything in his mind and he's most likley still not comfortable in his own skin. He's still not up for the whole family/holiday excitement. Leave him alone and allow him to sit in his corner and pout for a bit...he'll come around before the holiday is over.
I'm sure you'll get all of the wrapping done in record time and still have time to enjoy the rest of the day.
Yes, we all need to find something to smile about...even if we have to fake it.
Merry Christmas!
Thanks snodderly. I think what made H scrooggie is that he didn't get me a gift and felt guilty over it. I thought that's what was coming and I am fine with it. The weird part is when someone asks what I got from H, I tell them that I have him on reserve for something in the future.
Overall the holiday was low key and quiet, and that was good!
I think the best part was when my Mom told me she saw the sparkle in H's eyes again and she hasn't seen that in a long time.
I would agree that your h felt guilty for not getting you a present...but you know what? The best gift you received is the comment that your mother made about the twinkle returning to your h's eyes. That's a gift that you needed to receive.
He'll get back into a better mood towards the end of the week. The holiday of gift giving is just about over and he'll feel more comfortable w/himself when it is over.
Enjoy your time w/him and just relax!
You are so right snodderly, the best gift was from my Mom and she didn't even know it! Mom's are always right! lol
Today H is already better, he's talking about ways to improve and grow his/our business. He's looking for more help, and I offered if it was something I could do, or if that wasn't a good combination for H/W to get into. He said he thought it could be done. We'll see if he accepts my offer or proceeds with a plan he was forming.
We have NYE plans, together! Friends invited us to a movie in town and then house party. H said he would skip the movie but will go to their house after the movie. This is the first year in so many that we are doing something AND together on NYE! oh golly, would a midnight kiss be expecting too much? wait wait - DB101, no expectations!
I am glad to see that he is improving today. Offer, but do not push when it comes to the business. New Year's shall prove to be interesting. No expectations!
keep on keeping on WCW... I am cheering you from the sidelines
Lovely!! So happy for his twinkling eyes and NYE plans. I am rooting for you too.
lots of hugs, kat
WCW,
That twinkle back in your H's eyes means so much! How I would love to see that in my H's eyes again.
I hope NYE is everything you want it to be!!!
(((Hugs)))
You are just such an inspiration to us all, and especially me. May next year be the one where he fully integrates himself into the R.
Take care.
Thank you all for stopping in with your encouragement!
Some days things are becoming so normal, some days I still fret about stuff. One night H is bringing pizza home for supper, the next night he is out late and won't respond to a txt. I don't feel in my gut there is anything going on, but I know he still 'protects' me from what he doesn't want me to know.
But overall, we are moving forward, together.
I copied this from a friends FB page -
Hope lives in your heart right next to the hurt. The only question is: which will you let flourish? The choice IS yours. If you have faith that God does work all things together for His ultimate good, then no amount of hurt can overshadow the hope we have through Him.” I hope you have a spectacular day today my friends! – Elmer Laydon
It seems to have been a lot of my life these past years, I didn't know someone else already said it!
I wish you all good bright smiles in your future, keep your eyes on the horizon.
WCS,
What your h is doing is normal for someone who still attempting to feel comfortable in their own skin. They will test you to see if you will say something or react to what they are doing. The best thing you can do is sit quietly and allow him to complete his growth.
May the new year provide you with much happiness and peace.
Post holiday blas.
H feels distant, my guess is the financial fiasco he can't get ahead of and being a proud stubborn man that needs help isn't easy for him. It's not my job to 'rush in to save the day', I have to remember that while he was out splurging and planning his escape to fantasy land I was working on how to save my place and what I love. So if H is part of what I love, I can't understand how to balance baling him out without sacrificing myself. It doesn't feel right to 'fix it' while he still has not or cannot make a full reconnection with me.
Final national points are tallied for the shows I attended, I finished reserve champ in 3 events, Top 5 in two more, and 3rd in the nation for Overall. I know that's good and I am very proud of my mare, but I can't help still feeling defeated. If I had just done this or that or one more show or another event or...... Now it's just what H calls it, 2nd place loser. Guess I should put a R or L in front of WCW. Reserve World Champion Wife or Loser World Champion Wife.
I just need to shake this drag-me-down cold and get some solar energy and readjust my attitude. phooeeyy.
YOU WCW are not a loser on so many levels!
Have you ever achieved this level or higher with a horse before?
If you have, what were your circumstances at the time? Were you married? Was your H mired in MLC?
Look what you've been able to accomplish and all with dealing with a H in the last stages of a MLC, and trying to piece on top of that. I know what it takes to get to that level with a horse that you're talking about. You are amazing!
Don't think there aren't some that are shaking in their saddles because you'll be back next year.
Congrats on what you've been able to accomplish on all levels!!!
Congrats on your accomplishments!! You need to take those and internalize your accomplishment and let yourself feel pride.
You should not help out H, because he needs to deal with the consequences he created. Do what you need to do to take care of you!
God Bless
Sorry things are a bit off but I truly feel that this is going to be a very different year! Bless you, you have done some incredible things while enduring difficulties in your personal life! heck, even if nothing major had been shaken you up, you did an awesome job.
I am so proud of you. Give yourself a break and a hug.
hugs, kat
Thanks seeking, this is the first time I've been the one on the horse competing at this level, previously I have been the pit crew - for H. I was there every stride of the way for him and our stud horse when they went to World Champ. I'm honestly more comfortable being behind the scenes rather than in the arena, it would be nice having H supporting me ringside.
Lorie, thank you. I think you're right that H needs to keep digging out with his own shovel. He made the mess. Problem is I am caught in the effects.
kat, as always, thank you.
Today H was helping me with some techy challenges I was having, somehow that turned into updating the contact list on my phone, which if you've followed along all these years you know that my phone has H's contacts list on it when he gave me one of his old phones to take over. So, H deleted all the contact info for ow. I asked why. He thought he was just deleting duplicates. I asked him to put it back in, and he did.
I told him that I didn't plan to use it. But I asked if he was in an emergency again and we were waiting for him to be loaded in the ambulance if he would take off the oxygen mask and ask me to call ow first again like the last time. H said "probably not".
Ok, so I know that doesn't sound like much, but in my reality with H that is the biggest admission he has made, and I believe it is over. Except of course what is still business. Why do I allow that? Because there is no way to enforce an ultimatum if I say he cannot.
My sister celebrated their 40th anniversary. When they kissed BIL told her "40 down and 40 to go". Isn't that SWEET??
I missed the big speech on tv last night, but H broke down crying when I got home and he told me about it. He said he didn't understand why he was so emotional. I just offered a kleenex and let him keep talking.
Embrace and Enjoy!
TTFN