Divorcebusting.com

WAW/MLC/Runner

Posted By: Jasmine

WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 05:13 PM

I don’t know where to begin. Jan 10th, 2009…I walked away. Packed it all up, H came home and I told him I was leaving him. He had no idea things were wrong even though the last three – five years I told him things were not right. I told him November 2008 that I was looking for my own apartment and hoped to be out on my own January 2009. He didn’t believe me or hear me or wanted to comprehend. My brother ended up passing away December 2008 so much more added stress which took me out of state to tend to funeral and what not.

The 3-5 years prior I had gained a lot of weight. Our marriage was based on common interests and activity. The verbal abuse of my weight gain and the nagging became tiresome. I had even resorted to triathlons to drop the weight to no avail. I became the pre-WAW, withdrew, started putting money away so I could leave. During this time I did not know at the time, but I was having an EA which then turned into a PA in Sept 08, which I am currently in and starting to come out of the fog.

In the past year I have filed for D in June, lived with OM and H. Back and forth four or five times. The last time I moved back to H, he was doing the groveling, begging and telling me he loved me, all common things NOT to do. I was back in the “night mare” and decided it was time to get out of all this. Last Friday was mediation day to “settle”. SHIAT, too easy. D is just too damned EASY. I feel I have put 110% into marriage with a self centered person. I TOLD him things were not going well. I TOLD him we needed counseling. I TOLD him if he didn’t pay attention to his wife, she would be gone. I TOLD him if he told me one more time if “you don’t like it you can leave” that I WOULD leave. I NEVER nagged, that I know of. Maybe I should have. He told me he has changed. He wanted to show me. He wanted me to give it an honest shot. I just couldn’t with all the “whining and groveling” he was doing. I’ve been in IC most of my married life trying to figure out what my problem was. Why wasn’t my marriage working out? My fault? Why do I truly feel that I haven’t done everything I could possibly do to save my marriage? Even though I DID the work? I went to the IC. I read the self help books on trying to save the marriage. WTF??

At the time I made my decision to leave my H, I had gotten WLS (weight loss surgery). OM was telling my how wonderful I was and beautiful I was w/o the surgery. Even tried to talk me out of the surgery. GEE who am I going to turn to? The H that has conditions of weight on the marriage or the OM that is full of compliments no matter what?

What brought me here? I was at a bookstore looking for a book on how to deal with the emotion of a divorce. What was next to that book I wanted? DR! I picked up DR and found the section on a WAW and just started BAWLING my eyes out and that has brought me to this forum.

There is NO OTHER person that I will find that will have the same common interests, activities, views on life, etc.

As it stands, I am living in another state with OM. I had no where else to go because H shut all credit cards off and closed checking accounts and wasn’t giving me spousal support. He wouldn’t give me any money till we saw the mediator and it was all in writing. (My option was to live with H or to opt out and go live with OM for I have NO family or friends in the area) If I ordered spousal support through the court that put us into litigation instead of mediation. All that’s left for D to be final is to get a listing of the assets, VIN #’s on vehicles, check to the mediator and our judgment will be typed up for us to sign and for it to go to the judge.

How do I work through all this? How do I get my H to give me one more shot? I will be calling for phone coaching.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 05:20 PM

I first posted this about a week ago in Newcommers. First Post (I don't know the best place to put this and don't want any confusion.) Since then I have been reading everything I can and processing.

For those of you that know about "why they run" can you provide more sources of information? I am desperately trying to figure out and as fast as I can, how and why and how to come out of being the runner AGAIN. I DO want to work on this with my H, but I don't want to run again.

The "fog" has been lifting from my current status since I have FINALLY been able to have separate time way from both H and OM. I do know I need to leave OM and I will. I am just trying to gather the funds to get me back to CA and in a month to month apt, close to H.

H doesn't know I want to get back together but the funny thing is, I believe our mediator does. She is dragging her feet on typing up the judgment, then again she did tell us she was taking a vacation.

I had a crappy IC. She was helping me to do the "push" of getting out of the marriage.

How do I get my H to do the 180 and go dark? I need him to stop being so passive. I need him to read DR but I don't know how to go about it.

Not sure what other information I can give.
Posted By: Lostforwords

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 05:41 PM

Jasmine,

The solution for any problems starts with the first step.

What is you first step?

I think you know....the decision you have is to take that step or keep finding reasons not to.

Therapists are a fickle bunch. Some agree with the patient completely such as the first few that my wife saw. The agreed with any she said and looked for problems outside the patient instead of addressing the patients problems. The problem with that is the therapist only see's the world through the eyes of the patient.

Example-My wife had given her therapist the impression that I was an unkept, short, fat, bald guy. While I am bald....I was not overly fat, definitely not short, and never unkept. The first time I met with her therapist alone...she was shocked at the difference between my wife's perception of the world and the reality of it.

I am concerned though.....the weight condition. I hate to be negative, but marriages based on conditions are usually very unhealthy. I do feel this is something that needs to addressed.

Welcome to MLC board....we do things different here, but I think you might like it:)
Posted By: job

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 05:48 PM

Jasmine,
As far as I am aware, there aren't any books that specifically address the running away. They simply state that it's guilt, shame and yes, wanting space and time to explore all avenues of life. The thread that I posted many years ago, was my own observations of what I had witnessed with several people close to me.

How old are you? What type of childhood did you have? Your posting sounds like you have self esteem issues. Have you had any indication that your husband wants to reconcile?

Jamine, you cannot expect your husband to do all of the work. When you aready to actually sit down and talk to your husband, you must understand that you will have to do some of the work as well. I do not mean just talking about it. You will have to prove to him that you are sincere and will be open w/him at all times. You cannot expect this man to be a mind reader.

If you want your husband to go dark, then stop accepting his phone calls and text messages. You may want to say that you need some time and space to actually figure out what you truly want and need in your life. However, you just understand, he may not wait on your forever. He may opt to move forward w/his life and actually enjoy being on his own. This is his journey as well.

Focus on yourself, work on yourself, look within and try to figure out why you are constantly bouncing back and forth between men. What does each one give you out of the relationship?
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 05:54 PM

Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
Jasmine,

The solution for any problems starts with the first step.

What is you first step?


My first step is to contact H and let him know I want to work on things. The reason not to? What you and Kimmie Lee have pointed out, the conditions of the marriage on the weight loss. Still trying to evaluate my R with H. As you said, unhealthy.


Quote:
Therapists are a fickle bunch. Some agree with the patient completely such as the first few that my wife saw. The agreed with any she said and looked for problems outside the patient instead of addressing the patients problems.


I whole heartedly agree. Red flags every where on this one.

Quote:
Welcome to MLC board....we do things different here, but I think you might like it:)


Thank you! I find you all to throw 2x4's and I need them.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 06:05 PM

Snodderly, Thank you.

I am 41. M passed away when I was 5. F remarried when I was 9. F passed away 5 years ago and I was estranged from him. Yep, daddy issues. Lost immediate family connections when F remarried. In the last few years, searched them all out and have reconnected with them.

"Ran away" from an old life (dad and step family) when I was 21. Met H. Ran away from him 20 years later.

Daddy Issues
Abandonment Issues
Self Esteem Issues

I know I cannot expect H to do all the work but he needs to do some of it. I've been in IC for over half of our M lives. I jumped up and down screaming we both needed to work on us prior to running from the M.

I really want to believe he is doing 180. No texts, emails or phone calls in a week from him. I have not contacted him either.

I am really working on myself.
Posted By: TrentC

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 06:07 PM

Jasmine:

For one, I want to wish you the best of luck on your journey. Your realizations that you are coming out of a fog and that you want to work on things with your H are a wonderful gift.

I want to make sure I understand the situation.

* You filed for divorce and are living with OM.
* Your husband wants you to come back, but is displaying all of the behaviors that we tell people not to do. (Crying, begging, etc.)
* You want to work on reconciliation.
* You have been doing IC but your husband has not. There has been no MC.

It sounds like one of the first things you can do when you get back is attend joint marriage counseling with him. This should give you a forum where you can safely discuss the issues YOU are having with the relationship. I would probably ask him to attend individual IC as well.

If you are both interested in working on the R, I would recommend attending a Retrouvaille weekend. It can do wonders for helping you two reconnect and learn to communicate better with each other. You can find out more information at http://helpourmarriage.org/
Posted By: TrentC

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 06:31 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I do know I need to leave OM and I will. I am just trying to gather the funds to get me back to CA and in a month to month apt, close to H.


If you want to show your H that you want to work on the marriage, that would be the first thing to work on -- ending that relationship.

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
H doesn't know I want to get back together but the funny thing is, I believe our mediator does. She is dragging her feet on typing up the judgment, then again she did tell us she was taking a vacation.


I suspect it's the latter. It's not really a mediator's job to help you guys work on your R.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 06:33 PM

Thank you Trent.

I whole heartedly agree on ending the A. I WILL do this first.


Originally Posted By: TrentC


I want to make sure I understand the situation.

* You filed for divorce and are living with OM.
* Your husband wants you to come back, but is displaying all of the behaviors that we tell people not to do. (Crying, begging, etc.)
* You want to work on reconciliation.
* You have been doing IC but your husband has not. There has been no MC.


YES. MC came "a little too late" a year ago this May.

I don't think H would do Retrouvaille. I know he would do a 1-1 with Michelle. I am planning on a DB phone coaching sometime this week for just myself.

Question: Should I move back to our rental house with H? It's a three bedroom. Will stop all D proceedings which would help both of us financially. I just don't want to do this and then RUN again and put us both threw another slew of emotional rollercoaster rides. I guess that's the chance I take!
Posted By: job

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/28/10 07:03 PM

I personally think you need to be on your own, by yourself, for a while. You've been bouncing from man to man in this situation and you need some time to figure out who you are and want you really want.

Going back to your h right now will not solve your issues or his. You both need to sit down with a therapist separately and then jointly to figure out what are the issues. One of the most important issues I see is the way that you both may be communicating.

If you are not sure about the divorce, put it on hold until you both have figured out what it is that you want.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/29/10 03:00 AM

Thank you Snodderly. Just voicing options and I've read quite a few here recommend both spouses in the same house.

Again, thanks everyone.
Posted By: Lostforwords

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/30/10 05:56 PM

Jasmine,

I meant to post the other day and got involved with kids things.

I agree with Snodderly....You have jumped from one man to another, yet have not stood on your own. If you return to the rental house, I just fear that you will return to unaddressed issues....and then run again.

Maybe a short term rental (3-6 months maybe) and a clear list to your husband.

1-I want to come home
2-To do that we need to address our prior marital issues including the OM
3-Revisit MC
4-Start "dating" again
5-Then move back in

You are in a good place...Hopefully we can assist you in getting farther.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/30/10 06:30 PM

Jasmine,

I can tell you this, IF your husband had come here instead we would have told him that he aboslutely needs to change his behaviour on the chance that you would give him a shot.

Does he need to change? Yes.

He is the LBS and if the LBS doesn't see the need to change, has no desire to...then THEY will repeat all the mistakes they have made in any new relationship they are in...and they will be in several at least.

Kuddos to you for doing this.

This is very brave of you.

I ask two things of you.

1st: IGNORE anyone who is unkind to you, some people MAY project their spouse onto you and bash you for their misplaced fears. IGNORE them.

2nd: Really analyse the advice for your goals. Kimmie has some good advice to being empowered, just not much of it is geared toward being married.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 12:45 AM

Lostforwords:
Thank you for your kind post and addressing some very important issues. No, I have NEVER stood on my own. My insecurities thinking I "could never make it on my own" have always taken over.

The thing about the OM I didn't know/think he was the OM once I left the M. Now that I am coming out of the fog, I do and I am REALLY SEEING THE LIGHT.

JTB:
THANK YOU for taking the time to respond.

I really HOPE and really WANT LBS to want to change. I think he knows he SHOULD change and do the work, but I cannot be sure for I am trying to go dark on my end and work through my crap. Whether or not we get back together, I really hope that we have BOTH worked through our issues and can have healthy, happy two sided relationships.

1st: Thank you. I am not saying I have a strong backbone and can handle the spousal projections but I invite it for I hope I can help those that I trying to find answers as you all will be able to help me.

2nd: This has been my stalling tactic. I have been searching and analyzing my goals.
Posted By: crushednstuck

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 02:07 AM

Jasmine, thx for your post. I began formulating the ways to slam you until I read Jack's post. You present similar actions/responses that my WAW has exhibited.
I always attempted to be supportive, but communication issues abound. I saw her rants as illogical and her as selfish and lazy. I wish to God my W would see through her MLC fog the man who loves her and is an awesome dad to our kids.
Detachment is more difficult, I found, with daily interaction about the kids.
Thanks to Jack too.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 04:51 AM

Crushed:

Thank you for your honesty. If you still have what you typed up to slam me, feel free. I will do my best to be as informative and helpful as best I can. This is very vivid and fresh in my mind. You can even pm me.

My best advice is what DB and DR is telling you, don't beg and plead. The sooner you can go dark the better. To show that you and the kids have moved on, the better.

journaling:
I truly believe my sit is different than the stereotype. I cannot recall when but at some point, several years ago, I believe my H started his MLC and his OW was his road bike and mountain bike. He decided to better himself and not involve me. As he was getting fitter and fitter I was just existing. I would still surf, kitesurf, mtn bike, hike and camp with him, just not at the TOP level as him. He wasn't happy that I was doing things to the best that he thought I should have been doing. He wasn't happy that I was just out there doing things.

As I went along on him being my athletic coach, I would get hurt. I broke the glassed in fin off in the back of my upper thigh. Trip to emergency room

I crashed HARD mountain biking and had a nice chunk taken out of my calf. Again, a trip to the emergency room.

Kite Surfing....pretty dangerous sport at the time...I was scared and all I heard was, "more time on the water the better you get."

Road Biking...I didn't feel safe out on the road. I didn't have the skills.

Vicious cycle. For me to the be the ULTIMATE wife, I needed to be his ULTIMATE buddy. I did these sports, some because I LOVED the sport, some because I LOVE him. When I got injured, It took me a while to regain my confidence and I was turning to food to "comfort" me.

Through out the years, I just ate and ate to keep myself not being able to participate. Then, I had my ass ridden because I couldn't participate and now I needed to wear a heart rate monitor and we would download my workouts weekly and he would evaluate me. I tried my best to participate and couldn't. The last 3 years I had heard him utter the ugly words, "if you don't like it, you can leave." UGH...Bu bye....

I helped build OUR business with sacrifices of no car and riding the bus to work our first couple of years together. I even agreed to move into an apartment above his parents house to save money to get our own place. We were married for 16 years and lived there for 13. The money we "supposedly" were to save went to traveling and expensive toys. I am taking responsibility for not standing up and saying this isn't right but he was bringing in most of the money and I felt that was how it was.

I am taking responsibility for so much in this. I wish he would do the same. He couldn't explain to me why he would say "if you don't like it you can leave" and then I finally did. His explanation for the fitness stuff is that he was more concerned about my health more than anything and that he wanted me to enjoy these sports as much as him and that meant being at his level.
Posted By: Mach1

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 03:15 PM

Jas,

First of all....

You should be proud of you, for having the guts to come to a place such as this and tell your story, risking being bashed at every curve....

It is courage such as that , that tells me that you are willing to look into the mirror, and work toward real change.

A couple questions though....

What do you see in your future as far as you ?

Who do envision when you see your reflection ?

I agree that there needs to be change....just that YOU are the only one who can control your changes.

How do you envision your marriage being in a couple years ?

More of the same old - same old?

What I see is a person that needs to become whole again , and put the past to bed and get a clue as to what YOU want in your life.

A person that needs to be with herself for some time, and face down the demons that haunt you. Free from any outside influence.

There is a common focus here , on this site, to save our relationships...

And while that may happen down the road....It is you that needs a life raft right now....

I read a lot of focus on how HIS actions made you into the person you are today...

Is that coming from anger ?

Is that anger toward him ?

Or is that anger from within that you are projecting toward him ?

These are things that I don't really need the answers to..

You will one day though.....


Keep up taking steps for you....


BTW......

Read through the Archives......

Look for AmyC.....in particular.....
Posted By: Cadet

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 03:54 PM

Jasmine,

Welcome to this board, I told you we might be able to help. How are we doing so far? More importantly how are YOU doing do far?
Listen to Mach he is very wise.

I will post the link for the resources:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 03/31/10 07:10 PM

Jasmine,

I must say that I too give you a lot of credit for taking this step…

I also agree with Mach, Lost, and Snodderly…

Time, time on your own, to answer some of the questions that Mach put to you…

To realize that YOU can do it, to totally squash THAT insecurity, is possibly the best course of action right now…

To add to Mach’s questions…

Why did you react the way you did to your H?

Were you rebelling, maybe in some small way?

Why were you not able to communicate effectively your needs, thoughts, fears?

What is it that you truly want from YOUR life, besides your M?

Someday, these answers will be the key to what your life looks like in the future…

Keep moving forward…
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/01/10 11:29 PM

OP, Mach, and Cat,
Thank you for your posts, the kind words and the links to archives. I've been doing my damnedest to read everything and absorb everything as fast as possible.

I am a tad confused on reading some other people's stories. They want their WAS to come back and work on things and to live under the same roof. Isn't that what I should do? I know I am trying to find myself but I also want to save my my marriage. Shouldn't I be doing this work under the "marital home"?

Maybe some answers to what was asked of me above and definitely some more journaling:

I am angry about the fact as to where did I go as a person? What happened to the independent, strong willed, ambitious woman that I was when I met my H?

H had a goal and life and already knew what he wanted for himself career wise. The agreement was build his business first. Get him successful and then to work on my career. Throughout the years, we both became comfortable in the daily grind and we traveled a lot, where I should have been going to school. He started to become more and more successful and I felt I was being left behind. He brought home the big checks, where my paychecks were hobby money. H became more successful and needed me to be the bookkeeper not to mention it was tough for me to hang onto my personal clients while we traveled so much.

H became the sole money maker and THAT’S where I surrendered myself esteem and my self worth. Money is control and I allowed myself to be controlled by the money that was coming into the marriage. A spiraling depression set in where I was also suicidal. That is also where I believe he felt H had to take control of me as well and I THANK him for that.

While in the EA with the OM, he was boosting my ego and my self esteem. My driving force to pick up and leave. Imagine that. At that point again, I was spiraling into another depression and was looking to check into a depression facility. Depression facility or leave the situation that was bringing me to this breaking point?

What is killing me the most right now is being dark when I feel I shouldn’t be. I have never told H the why’s to my behavior. I just recall him so upset and distraught when I left the last time. All he wanted to do was talk. I would hear NONE of it. Some words that he uttered to me as I was leaving that probably had the shift in the fog were, “You need to stay and work on this. You will do the same thing in another relationship and you will keep doing it till you work this out.” WTF did that come? Was he really trying to work on himself?

H text me yesterday and asked If I have heard from the mediator. I had not. Last we left it, she was to type up the judgment. I am to have an attorney look it over and then we sign the papers. His text was, “I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”

Facebook incident Monday: I had H blocked from my wall because I was sharing pics of where I was currently and what I was doing. No pics of the OM but I didn’t want to hurt H any more than I have. I ended up cleaning up my FB, weeding out everyone but family and a couple of good hearted friends. I had a lot of the bad seeds blocked and thought why block just unfriend. I ended up unblocking H. That same day, he is never on FB, he changed his marital status to single and looking for women. That just threw the dagger into my heart. STILL I am NC with him and it effing hurts!

There is no handbook on marriage and the trials and tribulations. I married for life I don’t know who this person is that is my skin. Where did this person come from? The whirlwind has just been so messed up. I never looked at other men and never wanted to be with any one else. MESSED UP.

Currently, I have a NASTY inner ear infection and I have an appointment with an IC next week. The inner battle I am having is taking its toll. I am still waiting on some $$ that I had as a deposit on my last rental to move back to CA. I need first and last month’s rent and some small move in costs.

I SO want to break NC and call H for a date or just to talk to him and to talk this out.
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/02/10 09:13 AM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I am a tad confused on reading some other people's stories. They want their WAS to come back and work on things and to live under the same roof. Isn't that what I should do? I know I am trying to find myself but I also want to save my my marriage. Shouldn't I be doing this work under the "marital home"?


I am one person with a live in.

Having a MLC spouse home is difficult to say the least. And not always the best option for either party involved.

I am still a bit confused as to who is having the crisis here, you or your H. Or both.

Not that it really matters actually.

For you, you might not be able to regain yourself if you are living in the home.

Personally, I think that your first step is to work on yourself and worry about the M later. If you D and reconcile or if you don’t D and reconcile, you have still reconciled and honestly, that can’t happen until you have both made some changes.

Originally Posted By: Jasmine

What is killing me the most right now is being dark when I feel I shouldn’t be.


Why are you dark?

I would actually like to understand this one…

Because if you are the one in crisis, and you are waking up, and you are making changes in your life and really are ending this with the OM, and you do want your H back, he has to know.

He is not a mind reader and if you haven't told him, then really, I can’t blame him for continuing to move forward as if you are getting D’d, because that is probably still what he thinks you want. It may also be what he wants at this point.

I am not saying that that can’t change because he can, but I see you worrying about some of this stuff but unless I have missed something, which is possible, I don’t see anything that says you have told him you might be thinking differently now…So I see no reason for him to alter his path at all…


Jasmine, one other thing, and not trying to be mean---why the sudden change of heart? Seriously...
Posted By: Cadet

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/02/10 09:31 AM

Jasmine

I do agree with CAT. I know that I put the detach link on your thread and if that misled you I apologize. You should tell your H that you have broken things off with the OM and want to work on your M.

You do both need to work on yourselves and you can find some great information here to help you do that.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/02/10 03:17 PM

Quote:

I am still a bit confused as to who is having the crisis here, you or your H. Or both.


As I am doing the work I am thinking we BOTH are having our MLC!

Quote:
Personally, I think that your first step is to work on yourself and worry about the M later. If you D and reconcile or if you don’t D and reconcile, you have still reconciled and honestly, that can’t happen until you have both made some changes.


I am starting to see this to being the best option as well

Quote:
Why are you dark?


I am trying to do the work and not drag him into my drama till I have a clear head of what I KNOW what I want. I don't want to play the emotional games of the back and forth and back and forth. I want to sit down with him and honestly be able to communicate with him my wants and needs. He does need to know and I will relay this to him.

Quote:
Jasmine, one other thing, and not trying to be mean---why the sudden change of heart? Seriously...


Nothing mean taken...an honest question...this hasn't come on suddenly...I wanted to be a cake eater. One fulfills lifelong goals and the other was just helping me to feel better IN THE MOMENT. The honeymoon phase with the OM has long since past and I was able to see his true colors unfortunately at the cost of my M and my H's feelings. BTW, the OM was having a MLC too.

Thank you very much Cat and OldPIlot. Thanks to all of you for giving me the condensed version of goal setting and listing the questions to ask myself. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information in the book.
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/02/10 07:27 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
Thank you very much Cat and OldPIlot. Thanks to all of you for giving me the condensed version of goal setting and listing the questions to ask myself. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information in the book.


Jasmine,

Don’t thank us.

I honestly think a lot of us should thank you.

Most of us have heard about “coming out of the fog” but few of us have gotten this kind of a look inside of it.

So believe me, although I do only speak for myself, I think a lot can be learned from your continued openness.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/02/10 07:33 PM

Jasmine to expand on the way it works here is we give out advice and the payback is that after you are comfortable then you give us advice. Or someone else who is not even on this forum yet.

And this(payback) is for everyone that is here not just YOU.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 01:15 AM

journaling and info:

Quote:
“coming out of the fog”


There have been so many "WTF" moments all I can do is laugh till I cry. My lack of judgement and self esteem is more apparent with OM than it was when I left H!

Rico Suave, aka OM, swept me off my feet. Remember, he too is in a MLC. I am 16 years younger. I look just like his STBX. I've done the same FI (financial infidelities) in my marriage that she has done in theirs. He promised me the world. I was the most beautiful person he has ever met/seen. His profession is my "dream" and that's what we had in common. Well, I don't like his profession, it's not what I thought, nor do I like how he conducts his business. He's an opportunist and has co-dependency issues. Great combination he and I!

My attraction to men is the "Alpha Dog" so to speak. Well, the dominating controlling personality is bullshit. I believe when Mr Suave was pursuing me he didn't really see the "real me". The strong minded, independent person (now that I am coming out of the fog) and not the little push over that he "thought" I was.

I got myself into a situation that is not good. He knew I was financially strapped and he "will take care of everything". HA, he has no money. He took care of everything up to a certain point now he's asking me for money. Because of the finances, I am living in his vacation home till I get the $$$ to get the hell out of here and this situation!

Please be careful on cutting your WAS off on finances. We get into a state of mind where our backs are against the wall and will take any sort of help to get out. OM secluded me. I have no cell service where I live, I have to drive 15 mins to get service, there is a land line that I do use and lots of people know where and who I am with. When I would get into my car and leave to make phone calls the "controlling monster" would take a ride into town with me, so no phone calls.

Right now, he helped move me out and decided to put all my stuff into storage for me with his own lock and key. He said he only had one key.

Me getting away from OM is more than just, "I am done with you, we are breaking up." I need help doing this. I have to move two cars out of state, get bolt cutters to cut the lock on storage and pack up a U-haul. I have mentally left him, haven't been having any P contact in over a month plus he is back and forth in two states for work wise. AGAIN, a runner. AGAIN, I am trying to face my fears, get a backbone, not be a runner with OM either.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I consider him a great friend, even after all of the above. No matter the bashing on this that I am sure is due to come my way, this is MY phase and MY steps of getting out of MY fog. I KNOW deep down it's a "sick" friendship. It's the physical breakaway that is going to cure me of this thought process.
Posted By: trustingfaith

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 01:37 AM

Jasmine,

I too want to echo the others and thank you for posting here. It it helpful and eye opening to those of us who are LBSs to hear from someone from the MLC side of things so we can better understand. It seems my H is starting to come out of the fog and I am trying to understand what he might be feeling right now.

It sounds very complicated for you to get untangled from OM - I wish you luck!
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 11:59 AM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I consider him a great friend, even after all of the above. No matter the bashing on this that I am sure is due to come my way, this is MY phase and MY steps of getting out of MY fog. I KNOW deep down it's a "sick" friendship. It's the physical breakaway that is going to cure me of this thought process.


Don’t worry about what we might WANT to hear.

You know it would be nice for us, LBS, to hear how horrible the OP is. To us, that person is horrible. But something I realized a while back, obviously, at the time anyway, the OW gave/give my H SOMETHING, I can only speculate as to what, that he needed. That is something he will probably always appreciate and will always keep a small “warm spot” for them.

It sounds like you know what his fault’s are. You know why he is not the right person for you to be with. But at the time you welcomed him into your life, he also gave you something good.

That is something we LBS need to learn. To accept. To do our best to understand.

I also am not so sure you sound like a runner this time. You sound like you have really seen what the R is and that it just is not good for you.

I will ask now though…

Even if you are not running from him, are you running TO your H?

Hey, if I’m asking too many questions, don’t be afraid to tell me to shut up LOL!
Posted By: Mach1

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 12:50 PM

Jas....

How has this been different from the way you left your Marriage ?

The way you decided to leave your Marriage ?

I am hoping that you see what others see in you right now..

This courage to want to come back is very admirable. The courage to do the work on you....

I say courage because you have already faced one of the toughest aspects of this.....

Pride....

A lot of MLCers let pride get in the way of their return.

And to let that go is very admirable.

I'm gonna pick your brain, as I see others doing that as well.

If it is too much, then say so.

I want others to see, what others deny. That MLC does exist, and it is a condition that is NOT chosen, but HAS to happen.

Do you feel that this was a choice that you made?

A conscious choice to end your marriage ?

Or was this a burning desire to act on what you felt was missing in your life, and that you felt your spouse was not giving to you?

I have had oppurtunity to speak to several MLCers that have come through the tunnel, and all of their stories, while being different, still have the same aspects to them.....

That they knew what they were doing was wrong , but that they could not change the path they were on.

That this destruction HAD to happen for them to see that what they were missing did not come from the outside. And to look inside of themselves was NOT an option until what they felt was causing their unhappiness was removed from their lives.

Jas....YOU are on a good path right now for you....

And once again, please say if you are overwhelmed.

Have a great Easter...
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 09:45 PM

Originally Posted By: cat04

Even if you are not running from him, are you running TO your H?


I AM doing the work first to get back to my H. Right now, I am afraid H will just shine it off as ANOTHER emotional roller coaster ride. I need to show him first by physically leaving OM and I need to tell him by continuing to do the work on myself and prove it to him with what I speak. I have ran from H 5 times and OM 4. Just packed it all up and left. I am the master of running which is quite shameful in itself.

I am stalling big time on my contacts with the mediator and I am thankful that she is the type, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. H could have called her office himself and asked what he needed to know but he didn't. He asked me to. I did, left a message with her and she never got back to me. That's how she is. I know it, but H doesn't.

You are in no way asking too many questions. Your questions really make me look deep at myself and honestly help me to gain my strength and momentum.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 10:15 PM

How has this been different from the way you left your Marriage ?
I ran from H 5 times and OM 4 times. This time I actually am preparing myself for communication with OM.

The way you decided to leave your Marriage ?

communication

Do you feel that this was a choice that you made?

A conscious choice to end your marriage ?

Or was this a burning desire to act on what you felt was missing in your life, and that you felt your spouse was not giving to you?

Those questions run into one another. It was a choice I made, SEVERAL years ago to leave my marriage. I had told my H things were not working and that we needed some help. He didn't hear it or wanted to. I tried to express to my H that I wanted a career and wanted to go back to school but travels wouldn't allow it. So, the next step, put up the walls of not working on the marriage, to just exist, and start to get things rolling on my end on what I needed done. I needed to put away money for my move. I needed to finish up business obligations. At this point in my life, OM was a friend. My EA started in 2007.

During this point, we are living in a 2 bedroom apartment above my IL. My H's job sites were close to home so I became a prisoner. EVERYONE knew where I was or what I was doing and would report back to H not on purpose just general conversation. IL, the construction crew, the neighbors, etc. I needed something for myself. It was MY turn to pursue my career, my schooling, my interests but I had surrendered so much control to H that by then it was too late. I became insecure and mousy. H was used to making all the decisions and when I finally made a decision it was too late, he already decided for himself what we were doing or what I was doing. Because he was the money maker, I allowed that control.


I have had oppurtunity to speak to several MLCers that have come through the tunnel, and all of their stories, while being different, still have the same aspects to them.....

That they knew what they were doing was wrong , but that they could not change the path they were on.

That this destruction HAD to happen for them to see that what they were missing did not come from the outside. And to look inside of themselves was NOT an option until what they felt was causing their unhappiness was removed from their lives.

I did not know that what I was doing was wrong till the day I left. By then, I was literally psycho woman and no one could talk me out of anything. I had the right brain left brain fighting me. YES, wholeheartedly agree this HAD to happen for me to take a good look at myself. H said the same thing. That this had to happen for him to see what he was doing to me and how selfish he had been behaving. I truly believe he is changing as well.

Jas....YOU are on a good path right now for you....

THANK YOU! I feel good but depression is now starting to get the best of me. I am doing my damnedest to fight it.

And once again, please say if you are overwhelmed.

Not overwhelmed. You ask me deep questions that energize me, give me strength and motivation

Have a great Easter...

Thank you. You too
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/03/10 10:24 PM

Trustingfaith,
Thank you! I am so glad your H is coming out of the fog. It's a wake up call of emotional drainage. Lot's of ups and downs. Lot's of "aha moments". Lot's of WTF moments. And because of all of this, I know I have mentally left OM, I run to his arms for hugs and just bawl my eyes out. He thinks it's because of me leaving H and M but it's just because I need someone to just put their arms around me and say I am going to be ok. Right now, I really wish it was my H. But I have to earn those arms that are a state away.
Posted By: crushednstuck

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/06/10 02:42 AM

Fantastic insight. I cheated with my triathlon bike after giving up on my W doing anything other than shopping. She found it relaxing, I found it a waste. I enjoyed the reward of fitness while she withdrew. I attempted patience, empathy, encouragement to no avail. Even now I added her to my gym membership in January - no visits for her since. She complains about her weight, but does nothing about it. She is living apart still with OM yet invites me to activities with kids when she has them.
I feel closest to her when doing things together, yet she always had an excuse - until now. Is she reaching out after me pulling away. Confusions sets in yet I'm tempted to be active with the kids; and her.
Posted By: Lostforwords

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/06/10 12:27 PM

Quote:
I need someone to just put their arms around me and say I am going to be ok


Jasmine....This statement is what worries me about YOU. I would love to see a Jasmine who doesn't need somebody for support.....but instead some one who is a strong cog in a two person relationship.

I don't feel you are ready for that though....You know what you want, but need support to stand.

Learn to stand on your own and the rest will fall into place.
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/06/10 02:46 PM

Originally Posted By: Lostforwords


Learn to stand on your own and the rest will fall into place.


Wow Lost, how true…

Jas,

Lost is totally right about that. Learning to stand on your own, is what this is all about.

You are taking steps it sounds like and we all know here that it is a process, not something that happens over night.

Don’t be scared of it. You are changing, waking up…

Right now you are looking in one direction as a goal…

It is possible that that goal may change as well, or maybe just what the goal looks like to you…

You are strong enough to do it, and even though they are only virtual hugs, you will get many of them around here smile
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/07/10 01:12 AM

Originally Posted By: crushednstuck
Fantastic insight. I cheated with my triathlon bike after giving up on my W doing anything other than shopping. She found it relaxing, I found it a waste. I enjoyed the reward of fitness while she withdrew.


You found your triathlon bike relaxing and she found it a bore. It's a two way street. wink Fitness forced on a person that "knows" they are a fatty just makes the problem worse unfortunately. I really hope you both find your ways back to one another. What I am feeling and going through is utter pain that I know I need to feel it.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/07/10 01:23 AM

WOW! Lost, what an amazing point you just made to me. Cat, thank you for the extras. You both put so much into perspective.

I am SCARED to live alone. I have NEVER lived alone but I know I need to and I know I WANT to heal myself.

Easter Sunday is a tough day for me, our first "date" was on Easter 20 years ago. I text H: "Hi. I am just thinking of you and dog on this day. Hope you both are well." Yeah, I heard nothing back since and I expected that.

Tomorrow is my first apt with IC. Depression is coming on hard and strong. I am really trying to diffuse it the best I can. I am going to bring in the DR book and show her what I am working on.

BTW, I am working on detachment. It works with OM. wink
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/07/10 05:20 PM

Jas,

I know how you feel about being/living on your own. It's not me that is going through a MLC it is my H. When he left 17 months ago today I started suffering from depression also because I was never on my own. I was scared also and still to this day I am.

Well, at least that is part of my problem. I want H back and our M and family back as a whole but the people on here are so right. We need to heal ourselves first then hopefully our S will return.

Yes, we are in the opposite position but I do know how you feel as far as being depressed, learning how to live alone, and working on detachment.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/09/10 05:36 PM

Goodfight, Thank you. It's so hard to think of living alone but it's going to be the best therapy for me and I know it, actually I am looking forward to it. I wish you luck in all of this. I am sorry for your H and all the hurt he has caused you. I know I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused my H.

Journaling:
I am at a point right now where I don't really KNOW if I want my marriage to work. I am now waking up in the middle of the night with conversations playing over and over that were not nice conversations with H. I know our previous R/M is dead and we will have to start over but the "old" keeps coming up. I am working on the detachment from OM and it's getting easier and easier. WTF was I thinking?

I made contact with H via email and he replied back saying he is confused with all the roller coaster of emotions I continue to display. SHIAT! I didn't want him to feel that. I just wanted to extend a nice gesture of Easter Wishes. I became angry/hurt that he didn't respond. Then I fired back with an emotional email that triggered him. The last thing I wanted was to draw him back into "my drama". He has kept on pushing for the divorce and why hasn't the mediator gotten back to us with the typed up judgment. I got scared that he had moved on and GAL. I am not ready for him to move on to another life. I want him to work on our M but I can't get "us" to that point till I have physically left OM. That time is getting closer and closer.

I know, I know....we need to work on ourselves first. I want us to get to that point to open up the communication with him for him to work on himself and me to work on myself.

First meeting with therapist went well. She won't put me on meds yet. I am tempted to just go to ER for an induced coma of morphine for a few days of rest and turn off the brain just for a few hours!
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/09/10 05:59 PM

Jas,

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? If so you don't need to answer.

Just trying to see how my H feels or what he is going through.

Did you still miss and love your H while you were going through your MLC? Did you ever think about going back but were afraid to?
Did you contact your H often? Did you want your H to contact you?
Did you just want to be left alone by him?

My H doesn't have OW, but I know I need to be prepared (even though I'm not) because people on this board tell me it is likely to happen.

If you get a chance could you hop over to my thread?

Thanks
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/11/10 03:17 AM

GF,
I responded in your thread as well.

Yes, I very much missed my husband and our lifestyle. I did NOT miss the mean and nastiness that he had projected towards me though.

I ALWAYS thought about going back but then I was brought back to WHY I left. I did not leave because of OM. I left because our M was pretty crappy, in my eyes not in H's. OM was just willing to help me out.

I did come back to H SEVERAL times and HE did not do work to better himself. He was needy, insecure, whiney, etc. I grew annoyed with the ILY and the "forced" change. He truly wasn't not himself. It was hard for me to be around him while HE is walking on eggshells being totally insecure, yet doing everything HE thought possible to "keep me" from leaving him. That wasn't the change I wanted or needed.

OM became controlling and kept me from having much contact with H. I wanted to contact him. I wanted to communicate with him but when I did, I had a manipulative person "taking care" of me and it wasn't worth the current battle with OM. I was just so happy to be away from H and M.

I LOVED it when H contacted me but OM became jealous and annoyed. The mind frame I was in, I couldn't think or act for myself, I allowed myself to be controlled an manipulated by OM.

journaling and info:
I wished I had gone out on my own and not the OM route. I was desperate to move, I needed help to move and OM saw opportunity. As I am coming out of the fog, man, I cannot BELIEVE I was so manipulated and controlled. More so in the A than in the M with H. Talk about SERIOUS self esteem issues. Currently, OM is getting scared. He is sensing my independence and my fog clearing and is freaking. I have to take this slow on my break from him. My best friend calls him a stalker.
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/12/10 03:09 PM

My problem with my H is that his family that he lived with for the first 6 months of his leaving told him to move on and his step-mother was very controlling. I really thought that he would come back home once he was out of there but nope! He moved 3 times since he's been gone. And now he is telling our D13 that he is moving again. He doesn't move far at all but doesn't settle in one place for long.

Is this normal for a person suffering from depression or MLC do you know?

Thanks for answering me.
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/12/10 03:09 PM

My problem with my H is that his family that he lived with for the first 6 months of his leaving told him to move on and his step-mother was very controlling. I really thought that he would come back home once he was out of there but nope! He moved 3 times since he's been gone. And now he is telling our D13 that he is moving again. He doesn't move far at all but doesn't settle in one place for long.

Is this normal for a person suffering from depression or MLC do you know?

Thanks for answering me.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/12/10 03:40 PM

Quote:
Is this normal for a person suffering from depression or MLC do you know?
Yes he is in replay, looking for the magic fix. He won't find it.
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/12/10 04:00 PM

Thanks OP once again! Can you please explain to me in detail what replay is? Do you think he keeps moving to different places thinking he will find happieness in a new apartment? When a MLC doesn't find it do they start to come to their senses?
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/12/10 05:20 PM

Jas,

As a LBS you do need to be the one to contact your H. That's what we long for, and need. If you go dark then he will have NO idea that you would like to work things out. We have no clue to what is going on inside your heads.

He might pull away at first, that is what DBusting is telling us to do, go dark....don't accept all invites etc. But that is for us LBSs.

Hope you are doing better, keep me up to date.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/13/10 01:10 AM

GF, you help me as well as I help you! Keep up the fight!

I have contacted H via email and he has agreed to a sit down meeting with me next week. Now I just need to set some goals as to what I want out of this. Ugh!
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/13/10 01:36 PM

Good for you!
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/15/10 05:09 PM

Journaling:

Today is 16th Wedding Anniversary. What I have concluded so far? Both of us are in a MLC. Very down day.
Posted By: Mach1

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/15/10 05:38 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
Journaling:

Today is 16th Wedding Anniversary. What I have concluded so far? Both of us are in a MLC. Very down day.



Jas....


YOU......Have the ability to do something about that for YOU....


smile
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/15/10 05:44 PM

Quote:
YOU......Have the ability to do something about that for YOU....
smile


YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Something I had always wished my H would do for me on my bday or Anni.....SPA DAY! smile
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 05:53 PM

Wow Jas, I just wrote about how my anniversary is coming up and it's on Mothers' Day this year. I'm dreading it also.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 06:52 PM

Journaling:

Today I am awaken with new thoughts. BOTH of us are/were in a MLC. BOTH of us need to do the work.

Hard, emotional month so far. H emailed me yesterday regarding taxes. Of course I had wished it was to acknowledge our anniversary, but how do you positively acknowledge that when this past year and half has been so negative?

First email I sent back to him was one liner thanks for the info on taxes. 2nd email, thanks for this thanks for that I will be in town next week and would like to get together and talk. Then I CRACKED...I typed, "I don't know if it's appropriate or not to mention our anniversary today, but it's in my thoughts as you are." Usually I would have had an email back by now, but nothing.

This BLOWS ME knowing both of us are in a MLC and he doesn't. Me being the chaser now. I committed FI (financial infidelity) 2 times. My cry for help. Trying to get H to pay attention to me to no avail. WOW...here comes my whining and sniveling feeling sorry myself.

I need to get out of my current physical situation and start making things happen for me!
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 06:56 PM

GF, plan ahead. Make a day plan with friends and family to take your mind off of things. Make sure to do something for yourself that day. I had always wanted H to surprise me a gift of something, ANYTHING on my birthday or anniversary and he never came through. So, I took a day of pampering for myself, mani, pedi facial, and it felt wonderful. Helped me to appreciate ME.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 06:57 PM

Yes you do.

But I have a question for you, how long was it before YOU realized you were in a MLC?

And if anyone had told you prior to your realization...would you have believed them?
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:05 PM

Jas, can you please hop over to my thread? I am getting two conflicting pieces of advice from Fixer and Cat. And I know that you had said that you liked hearing from your H. So please if you get a chance I would like your input.

It's about the pool at our house (the one me and the kids are living in). So you know where to start to read. Jack could always use your input too.

Jack, I like your questions to Jas, I was also wondering about these things. But I do know that my H denied having depression and wouldn't believe me.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:06 PM

JTB,
HA! I didn't realize I was having a MLC till I left the mediator's office after hashing out the settlement, went to the bookstore to pick up a book on how to emotionally handle a divorce where next to that book was Divorce Remedy.....friends have told me I've been in a MLC for the last 7 years, but they didn't tell me that till, NOW and no, I would not have believed them! 7 years was when H's started as well.....very very interesting...

BTW, I picked up the DR book and never touched the other book.
Posted By: Mach1

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:28 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine

I need to get out of my current physical situation and start making things happen for me!


Ya think ?


: )
Posted By: cat04

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:29 PM

Jas,

Wow…

Ok so you know you are in MLC and are working on you…

Which is fantastic BTW…


And your H is in MLC, but doesn’t know it (that you are aware of)…

So, should you really be pursuing?

I am gonna bet you know you should have left the anniversary stuff off….

But I think telling him you were gonna be in town, just enough of an open door…

If anyone understands this, I think you do…

Don’t sabotage yourself anymore…
smile
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:45 PM

I KNOW, I KNOW Mach! smile

Cat, I KNOW, I KNOW! HAHAHA

I didn't realize I sabotaged myself till I just typed this up!

Journaling:

NOW WHAT?? There is a Retrouville Seminar in "our" area next month maybe I should bring it up. Maybe I should send him DR? I won't know more till I see him and talk to him next week.
Posted By: Mach1

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:57 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I KNOW, I KNOW Mach! smile



Hmmmmm


Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I need to get out of my current physical situation and start making things happen for me!


yes......


Originally Posted By: Jasmine

There is a Retrouville Seminar in "our" area next month maybe I should bring it up. Maybe I should send him DR? I won't know more till I see him and talk to him next week.



........???????




Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I KNOW, I KNOW Mach!



Are you sure you do ?????
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 07:57 PM

Journaling Again:

Holy Crap! This HURTS! The realization that H is in a MLC and him not ever wanting me back. Knowing, reflecting, reading and experiencing, I *thought* I was a guarantee back into H's life. The tables are turned and I am looking at this M differently and HOLY MOLY, have I got some REAL work to do. Gawd, I am sick to my stomach! Deep down, I felt I was in control of this....not so much any more...
Posted By: fisherman

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/16/10 08:30 PM

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
Journaling Again:

Holy Crap! This HURTS! The realization that H is in a MLC and him not ever wanting me back. Knowing, reflecting, reading and experiencing, I *thought* I was a guarantee back into H's life. The tables are turned and I am looking at this M differently and HOLY MOLY, have I got some REAL work to do. Gawd, I am sick to my stomach! Deep down, I felt I was in control of this....not so much any more...


That is a curious statement. The guaranteed part. I think it happens a lot around here. I'm not trying give you a hard time or anything, I actually think you're doing pretty well. This is a positive realization.

I know this has to be very difficult, as painful as it seems, IMO this is a good thing. You'll get through this. Focus on what you can control and do your best to keep you mind in a positive place. There is no sense in dwelling on, or replaying the past.

There is no sense in letting your mind spin about all this at this point either. What's done is done. Focus on moving forward now.


Posted By: Celestial X 5

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 12:20 AM

Jasmine,

I`m sorry you`re hurting and I do feel your pain. What sometimes happens when one S is in MLC, the LBS has no choice but to try and pick up the pieces and carry on. By the time the MLC`er comes out of the fog, it`s sometimes too late for the M to be saved.

Too much damage has been done, too much time has passed. LBS learn to live without the drama and heartache, and actually get a second chance to enjoy life once more, and most do.

My H is in MLC. I`m positive he feels like you do, that he`s sure he has control over our sitch. That if he wanted to, he could have me drop everything to be with him. I worked far too hard to get where I am today to give it up.

I`m not trying to give you a hard time either. I do hope you can connect with your H. You have lived and learned the hard way, you deserve true hapiness.

Celestial
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 03:53 AM

Originally Posted By: trapt

That is a curious statement. The guaranteed part. I think it happens a lot around here. I'm not trying give you a hard time or anything, I actually think you're doing pretty well. This is a positive realization.


Nothing personal taken. I am just coming out of the fog so bare with me a bit. I go back and forth. I believe all of us in this this sit, no matter what category you are in, all thought our marriages were a guarantee. This is the taking one for granted in a M. The lack of communication we all experienced.

WOW. Just WOW! Lot's of realizations.

Quote:
I know this has to be very difficult, as painful as it seems, IMO this is a good thing. You'll get through this. Focus on what you can control and do your best to keep you mind in a positive place. There is no sense in dwelling on, or replaying the past.


This just SUCKS! I am truly sorry for those of you on the LBS side. I had no effing idea. I am TRYING to stop the replay but I am waking up in the middle of the night KNOWING I am not to blame. WE BOTH are to blame.

Quote:
There is no sense in letting your mind spin about all this at this point either. What's done is done. Focus on moving forward now.


Excellent point. Easier said than done right now. I know I will get through this but what a blow.

I truly appreciate you pointing out certain things.
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 04:10 AM

Originally Posted By: Celestial X 5

I`m sorry you`re hurting and I do feel your pain. What sometimes happens when one S is in MLC, the LBS has no choice but to try and pick up the pieces and carry on. By the time the MLC`er comes out of the fog, it`s sometimes too late for the M to be saved.


Thank you for your kind words. I just feel so overwhelmed. Selfish or not, I was the one in therapy for over half our married lives. I thought it was always MY FAULT. I did my best to get us on the right track ALWAYS THINKING IT WAS MY FAULT due to my past issues. The turning point for me to run the first time HE was in HIS MLC!

Quote:
Too much damage has been done, too much time has passed. LBS learn to live without the drama and heartache, and actually get a second chance to enjoy life once more, and most do.


I understand this all too well now. Seriously, major conflicting emotions here. H was going through his MLC while I was. H put me through so much bs aka drama while he started his MLC, the reason for me to run.

Quote:
My H is in MLC. I`m positive he feels like you do, that he`s sure he has control over our sitch. That if he wanted to, he could have me drop everything to be with him. I worked far too hard to get where I am today to give it up.


DO NOT LOSE THIS! You have worked way to hard to get to where you are. I think us WAS have had a sense of entitlement. Marriage will always be there so let's try the other side of the fence.

Quote:
I`m not trying to give you a hard time either. I do hope you can connect with your H. You have lived and learned the hard way, you deserve true hapiness.


Thank you. As I hope for happiness for you.

I am WORN DOWN! How much MORE psycho therapy do I have to do to truly become a happy person? How much MORE must I endure to have a happy committed two sided MARRIAGE?
Posted By: Celestial X 5

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 12:45 PM

Jasmine,

You are truly amazing. I`m so happy for you that you`re fog is lifting. Even if your H doesn`t come out of it, you have grown so much as a woman by just realizing your MLC, and trying hard to undo what has been done. I applaud for that and for being so honest with us LBS.

You CAN do this, we are here for you. I was on this BB a few years ago and would have liked to hear your POV then. After experiencing my H`s MLC for 5 years, I`ve pretty much seen and heard it all.

Celestial
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 05:55 PM

Thank you Celestial. Not a fun road that's for sure.

Journaling:
H emailed me back after a half a day goes by to tell me "any day is fine to meet up, just let him know date and time because he wants to make plans." hhhhmmmmpffff...I have to schedule time with him now? I NEVER had to do that. He would drop everything at a moments notice. I LIKE SEEING THIS IN HIM!!!

Still very angry towards him for all the nasty abusive things he said to me in the past. Really hard to think about R while all this is replaying. Time to really sit down and look at the first post to me in what do I want in a marriage, a husband, a relationship.

H ALWAYS had a life with me. He got to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I was the caretaker, the nurturer. I made everything run smooth for him so he didn't have to lift a finger. If he wanted to go for a mtn bike ride or road ride, I always made sure he had clean bike clothes and he could find them. He would come home, put them and leave me to go "play" with his friends. What's changed now? He has to get all these things in order for himself now? No one to take care of him and make sure everything was done for him? WOW...that hurts.
Posted By: D Money

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 06:05 PM

Jas-

I was confused on a couple things from your last post. What do you like seeing in your H? That you have to schedule time with him?

What hurts? The fact that you aren't the one taking care of him now?
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/17/10 06:13 PM

DMoney,
I have come to terms that my H is in a MLC too. He just isn't the LBS. So I have conflict of how to treat him. As a LBS I like seeing him taking more of a stand with me and that I have to schedule time with him. As me being just a W, it hurts me that I allowed him to use me as a door mat.
Posted By: Fixer

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/18/10 05:48 PM

Hi Jasmine,

First I have to say I admire what you're trying to do. An MLC is not an easy thing to work your way through. I too had an MLC and when I came out of the fog, my W wasn't on board as I hoped. Please be careful, your MLC may not be over. There's still some emotional triggers that will hit from time to time. Maybe a particular movie scene which emotionally hits you a certain way. If this should happen, hang in there and stay strong. This board is here to help you.

Fixer
Posted By: courageous wife

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/18/10 06:00 PM

Hi Jasmine...Hearts Blessing also went thru her own MLC about the same time as her H. They worked things out and are still together now. She is the one that wrote the sermons on the resource link!
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/18/10 09:24 PM

Thanks all. I have been reading some of HF's posts. I am trying as hard as I can to get through this. Both of us going through a MLC at the same time. The hurt feelings the hurt words the hurt attitudes. Replay as to why I left keep coming up.

Journaling:
H emailed back and asked "what are your intentions on seeing me next week?" OUCH!

Personally I was hoping he and I could talk about DR and Retrouville. I keep replaying HIS ABUSIVE attitude towards me the last 7 years of marriage though. Him never acknowledging that SOMETHING was wrong in the marriage and not taking me serious when I expressed us going to MC. Wondering if it's just time for us to call it good and both just go our separate ways.

Email first thing this morning from Mediator to call back ASAP. Call her back and we were going through the typing up of the judgment. I will have the judgment by Tuesday to review and then I have to find my own attorney to go over it.

Not going to be a good week when the attorney starts off your Sunday like this.
Posted By: Celestial X 5

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/18/10 10:14 PM

Jasmine,
Just a suggestion;

When you do meet up with H, treat him as you would a friend. I tried this with my H, and it worked for us. Try to keep things light and upbeat and NO R talks. Discuss what you need to. Remember zero expectations.

Celestial
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/19/10 02:15 AM

So, no DR or Retrouville talk? Keep it low key and no expectations?

I need to get some things from the house and I want to keep that low key. I don't want any pressure on both sides.
Posted By: Mila

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/19/10 06:07 AM

Jasmine - I agree with Celestial's advice. But you have to be consistent, it may take a while before you see any positive results. And don't forget to validate.
Posted By: Goodfight

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 04/21/10 04:16 PM

Jas,

Where I'm confused is that you wanted your H to give you something or acknowledge anniversary, birthday, etc. Is this why you were together or apart? In your MLC, which depression is always there, did you want your H to contact you on these occasions?

I have contacted my H who I think is going through a MLC on holidays by text and would get thanks same to you. But like I mentioned before our anniversary is coming up on Mothers Day and I don't know if I should just let it go and not contact him.

The first holiday I missed was Easter, I thought to myself, NO I'm sick of being the one to wish him things first. I figure you would be the person to ask about this since you went through a MLC.

I give you so much credit for admitting to your mistakes and now trying to save your marriage and also for being here for all of us LBSs!!! You deserve the best!!!
Posted By: Jasmine

Re: WAW/MLC/Runner - 06/27/10 04:13 AM

UPATE:

I was in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship! IT STOPPED. I am a better person now. I didn't deserve it. NO ONE DOES! I did NOT have an affair till 3 months before I physically left my marriage. I mentally left my marriage 10 years ago. He deserves someone who will unconditionally love him and so do I.

Divorced June 22nd. 1 year after filing!

I TRULY wish EVERYONE the best and for happiness.
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