Hi, havent been on here in so long to post that I couldnt find my old thread!
Just wanted to update everyone that after 5 months of thinking and watching....I have decided to let my H move back home. Things are going really well. No eggshells anymore...which is a good feeling! Ocasionally he tells me he loves me...BIG mile stone!! Im happy, he is happy. He is still in therapy working through some things, but all is good.
Please still pray for us. He is still having issues with depression. But each time he has an issue, its easier to work through.
But things are going good. I dont see any resemblence to past times he came home. Back then I could feel the distance and it would only last 2 weeks. This time we have taken our time with things. ANd I took my time on deciding if this was what I wanted.
Just now having the struggle with telling others that he is back home....some look at me as if I am crazy! But it is utimately my decision!
yes - your decision!
keep getting your own life and doing what is good for you!!
take it slow - you know the drill.
Thank you Cagz
You have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right. I wish you the best of luck and hope your Ml'er sees what a gem you truly are. Keep us posted.
I haven't followed you thread but is that time right, December 06, was the first bomb? Wow! That's three years of craziness if I'm doing my math correctly.
Glad you are getting things the way you want. Keep up the good work.
It's so good to see some positive progress from someone. I'm happy that your situation is improving. It gives me hope as I'm just at the beginning of this madness. I need to see some happy endings - it keeps me fighting. Thanks for posting. All the best
Thanks Trusting, Im happy.
C-Bart, yes that says Dec 06. There has been lots and lots of ups and downs for me. But it was all worth it to me. For some reason I always knew deep down it wasnt over for us. I dont know why, but I always had that feeling. Im glad I have stuck it out. Now comes the next journey.
Mila, I will have to read your thread, I dont get on here much anymore, but I lived on this site for a long time looking for answers and support. All I can do is tell you to stay strong and live your life to the fullest! Things will always work out for the best. There are alot of good people on here with great advise!
Things are going good. Its still strange to me. Things that hit me weird is like him saying he will be "home" in a few. He calls my home his once again. I havent seen a down side from him in a while now. Its nice. We are planning a vacation this summer and things that need to be done around the house. Kids still get nervous when he isnt there for some reason...they ask alot about where he is and why he isnt home yet...I know they are still scared he will leave again, but I just try to reassure them. Maybe he should be doing that though. I do have to take a step about stopping the child support soon. He has mentioned it a time or two, but he always says "when" or "if" you stop Child support...its almost like he thinks I AM going to change my mind.
Just wanted to update. Things are going good so far.
Hi kissak,
Your story is my hope, please keep us posted once in a while on your progress. I hope that one day I'll be where you are.
I'm crossing my fingers (and toes) for you.
Kissak...your first post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...5391#Post885391Be careful. Your first post said that this happened 10 years prior.
It is always gratifying to know that...for some....love endures.
Bless you.
FIB
FIB...thank you for reminding me. I am being very careful
Things have been going pretty good. I have to say a couple of times I have seem him get aggravated and not tell me why. That bugs me, but I just have to let him handle things on his own.
He has said he loves me a few times, but its not a regular thing. Of course I dont say it unless he does. Sometimes I wonder if I should say it more, but I dont want to pressure him into saying it. Its just a good sign he will say it with out the added "in a way".
But not much else to tell other than things are going good. Ow is out of the pic and has been for quite a while. I think he sees her for truly what she was all along.
Kids are still having some trust issues with him. They often ask if he is coming home or where he is...they often try to get us to say I love you and do things like that. It bothers me some, but I know it will take a while for them too.
I still have a problem with arguing with him. I find sometimes i will avoid an argument with him out of fear. I dont want to make him angry with me or upset...although that fear is fading...not that we argue any, but a few times there have been discussions that I give in....Im working on it.
He is still in therapy, although he has mentioned quitting soon. I dont see the depression as much anymore. Hardly ever really.
well, just an update for you all.
Praying for all of you still.
Kissak, thanks for the update. I look to your tread to see what may be waiting for me, now that H wants to reconcile. I know that each sitch is different, but it still helps to see what others are going through.
I sure hope that in my sitch it won't take 5 months to let him come back, but we will see....
All the best to you and keep posting
Thanks Mila,
I have to say after so much experience in letting my H come back too soon SOOO many times, waiting 5 months was nothing in my case!
I wish the best to you!!
Kissak...I have to say I am shocked, impressed, and happy for you...so many times I wondered why you didn't throw in the towel...I guess I should have known that you "knew"...as did I in a way...the hard part is wondering if H "knows"...I am glad to hear that you are doing well and that things are progressing...I would recommend to H to be more reassuring to the kids...let him know they are still insecure with him so he can work on repairing that with them...
Take care...
p.s. update on us...just got back from a Caribbean Cruise for our 30th anniversary! Something I had wanted for our 25th but then we didn't make it together...so have fun on your family vacation this summer!
Thanks for the update Kissak.....
Praying for you
Thanks for the prayers Trusting...
IMLIN...wow a cruise....my H wants to go on one too. But we are planning a vacation with the kids in June...they are all excited that their dad is coming along this time!
I get what your saying though...I guess deep down I always knew...its hard to explain I guess. Sometimes you just know. I guess because of the way my H was the whole time we were separated I kinda figured it werent going to be over unless I said so.
Kissak,
That's interesting
I guess deep down I always knew...its hard to explain I guess. Sometimes you just know.
I have the same, always had it, just a gut feeling that we are not done. It was there all the way throughout this ordeal, on my bad days I tried to dismiss it as "wishful thinking", but it's different, it's like knowing deep inside. You are right it's very hard to explain.
I have had that feeling all along as well, but I am still afraid to put too much stock into it yet.
I know we usually don't trust what we can't explain. Or maybe we just don't want to jinks it?
I've also had that gut feeling that H and I are not done. I really have no reason to feel that way, I just do. I will move forward as if he's not coming back because I don't trust that feeling. I never thought he would leave in the first place.
Maybe we should not question it and just believe in those feelings. Power of positive thinking? Maybe if we feel it we project some of that energy onto WH. The universe works in mysterious ways...
WOW!!!
Maybe that's why I can't let go too?
The subconscious sort of thinking/knowing something different?
Maybe.
Great to hear your sitch, good luck, good luck!!
Thank you
You know it is just a gut feeling...I have to say it may have been different if my H had acted differently towards me during our separation. But he never acted as if he was done either....so thats why im saying I just always had that feeling....maybe to it was having faith that God would restore our marriage.
Either way, things will work out for the good.
I agree here, too. My H is still at home and all along there has been that hope, as well as faith. This has tested my faith like nothing else in my life EVER has - not that it is a bad thing, but it is a HARD thing!
I wonder if that's what people mean, sort of, when they say that marriage is hard work?
Oh boy is it ever hard!! But hopefully worth it all in the end!
I have to say it may have been different if my H had acted differently towards me during our separation. But he never acted as if he was done either....
Can you explain a little of what you mean by this?
My H just never acted like he was done to me. He would always be wondering what was going on with me, if I was seeing someone, always being concerned, always calling or texting me. He was never just one of those done and walk away types, even with the OW...I mean, he would go through times where I didnt hear from him, but that was when I wasnt talking to him and he knew I didnt want to talk to him. I just felt like he never went away...he werent a walk away. It was like he kept looking back. It just gave me the impression that he wasnt done...
also, if he had acted differently, I may have felt differently about it...if he hadnt stuck around doing these things, I believe it would have been different.
My H, to my face says it's done, etc. BUT
- he hasn't taken any of his clothes other than the one suitcase
- his birthday was in March and he renewed his Driver's license to my address (he's been gone since November)
- he gets upset when he hears I'm getting rid of things/doing things in the house
- I hear from SIL that he's said to her he's confused, wants to come home, etc at times.. and that he's said he thinks he's made a mistake with OW etc at times..
So I'm not sure if he's really done and gone for good or if he's only just projecting that to me and me alone...
I try not to think about it too much or I might go crazy myself.. but my gut says we aren't done... so I'm stalling..
(sorry if I hijacked with this)
I can honestly say My H never said he was DONE. He wouldnt. I would beg him to tell me he was, but he said he just couldnt say it...basically his point of view was saying that maybe years down the road we would get back together, therefore...we werent done...just his crazy way of looking at things.
Actually he did do things that made me think he was done at times...like separating alot of the financial things, getting separation papers (although we never signed them), looking for an apartment to share with the OW, etc...
I understand the stalling part....I think I did alot of that myself.
It seems to me that your H may not be done, or is he just afraid to go through with it? I mean you can say your done...but actions speak louder, right?
You still have to be careful. My attorney, a woman practicing divorce for almost 30 years, has frequently told me that when women fall in love with another man, they punch out and divorce the man. When the reverse occurs, the man stays in the R because the wife/woman 'performs a function'.
Hey...I'm not being a naysayer. I only wish you all to be careful and not get hurt again. Keep an open eye. Work it. Certainly, saving a marriage that can be healthy is better than divorcing. FIB
I will put my 5 cents in here:
My H said he was done, that he is in love with OW and that he can't live without her. Said that "His heart is marked and there is no going back and that our marriage has come to an end"(in an affair for 1 year).
Yet -
Never asked for divorce
Never told his dad that he'd left us
On many occasions he would ask me if I've already told my family and seemed relieved that I didn't.
Wasn't interested in separating our finances
Wanted to continue everything as before (our business, joint accounts) accept replace me as a wife with OW.
That makes sense FIB...my best friend left her marriage without ever looking back. I couldnt even see her doing the things my H did during the separation.
Every sitch is different and can change at anytime. I still have walls up even though my H is back and things seem to be going smoothly...so Im being careful.
Keep your trust on the right Man.
.. God will lead - ask Him for wisdom, ask Him to reveal anything that needs to be and be willing to SEE whatever He shows. And what is so cool... He will and if there is nothing - then there is nothing
you know what I mean??
keep your own life - always!! do you know what I mean? dont loose yourself to him ever again -- you have grown. be the WOMAN you deserve to be and ... be loved!!! you deserve it!!!
hugs
cagzmom
Thank you Cagz....and yes...I DO know what you mean. You couldnt have said it better!
~hugs to you~
Wow Kissak,
I've been all over this forum to see the positives because I'm very down today. I'm really happy for you, and I hope and pray that one day me and my H can reconcile.
I started losing hope because it has been 17 months since our separation and our sitch is different than yours but you have given me such hope!
Thanks
There is always hope Goodfight!!
Yesterday I went to my son's ball practice. I was talking to an aquaintance of my H and I. She is wanting to leave her H. Really, she wants him to leave and He wont. She is miserable. Really it is a sitch were I would want to leave too...anyway, she was talking to my H one day last week. She asked him what made him want to come back home to me....he replyed that it was simplier (which he had told me), that he missed everybody (which I knew) and that he was just tired of being STUPID, but that she didnt need to repeat that....but she did tell me
Just worth repeating to all of you
Things are still going good. Praying for all my friends on here everyday!
kissak, nice to read some good news. I hope your M continues to heal and remains healthy!
Kissak,
he was just tired of being STUPID
He has come a long way to be able to admit that.
Sooo happy that things are going well for you...and thanks for your prayers
"JUST TIRED OF BEING STUPID"
What an awesome revelation as well as a short and sweet definition of MLC. I am so very happy for you Kissak. Most of all I am happy for your H, that he did not let you get away.
Thanks WCW, Mila and Trusting.
Im glad he didnt let me get away either
But of course I still have walls up. Working on that. Still want to hear "I love you" more than I do. Of course I dont tell him unless he says it first. I cant decide If I need to talk to him about it or not. I may just need to give it a little more time. Our 17th anniversary is coming up next month. May be a good time to say it.
He is wanting to discuss us getting a bigger house and things like that. This is were Im kinda glad we have to pay off some credit cards that were ran up over the last 3 years! It will put off talks of a new house for a few years!! We gotta pay them off first!
Things are good though. I believe we need to spend more time together alone without the kids. Seems we stay soooo busy with them and things to fix up our house that there is NO time for much alone time for now.
Kissak, sounds like things are going well. I had to laugh at the "tired of being stupid" comment - that does about sum it up doesn't it?:) I am hoping my H comes to that realization soon.:)
You are so wise to proceed cautiously and slowly.
So glad things seem to be going well!
Thank you Trustingfaith
Hi all...not much going on lately. Just trying to take each day as it comes. H seems to be having an off day. I really believe he is just tired. He works all the time. Never much time to do anything else.
HOpe everyone is doing well.
Hi, just catching up on your tread. Looks like you are doing well...slow and steady.
He works all the time. Never much time to do anything else.
Hey...you have to find a way to distract him from all that work and have some fun together
all the best
You are an inspiration...I have followed your thread off and on for the past several years and really felt at some point you would finally, finally, finally throw in the towel...I mean I managed for 2 years before H started his come-back but you, my dear, went through it and then some over and over...
I am glad to hear that it appears things are progressing more forward...there will be bad days here and there, just remember to keep GAL and to not hover...let them have their bad days without making issues or feeling that you need to get them to talk...there is a time to talk but not when the mood is not so good...It really sounds to me like you both are on the road back...it will take some time but there will come a day when you realize you didn't think about the past for a day...then it will be longer and longer until it rarely comes to mind.
I do hope your kids are doing okay...I know they went through it too...how is your DD these days? and your DS?...
Glad for the good news...keep it up!
Lin
Thank you Mila and Lin....
My daughter is doing pretty good considering she is 13 now and going through those akward teenage things....she has stopped pulling out her hair now enough that she stopped having to wear a hat all the time. She still pulls some days, but its not noticable. My son is doing good, they both are still working on trusting their dad is going to stay around this time, but its been a while since they have brought it up.
They are looking forward to our first vacation together as a family in over 3 years! Im looking forward to it too...just to get away will be nice.
Im doing good too....somedays I have to admit I have my doubts, but it's just me....sometimes I find myself going over in my mind what to say if he leaves again, not that he is making me think that, its just a way to protect myself I guess. I cant NOT think about it on occasion, it just happens, especially if he is having an off day.
Its been a very hard road that I have been on, but I am thankful to my GOD for getting me through it all! and to ALL my friends here and on the outside world!
Kissak,
Beauty from ashes - hopefully the hard road you have been on will reap beautiful things in the future, like a stronger family than you have ever had before.
I imagine that any LBS will have their doubts and always have that niggling wondering in the back of their heads about if their MLCer will walk out again. I wonder if that would ever completely go away? I'm sure that it takes a long time to diminish anyway.
We're all pulling for you.:)
Thank you trustingfaith for pulling for me. Somedays I still have my doubts
I really wish the xOW werent still living in my neighborhood. She has been dating a guy that also lives on the road I do. Well, yesterday on my way home she and her bf were walking down my road holding hands. I hate that I have to run into like that. I mean, I know her bf and he wont even speak to me when he is with her. I can only imagine the stories she has told him. What I hate worse though is the fact my H has to see it. I was praying he wouldnt come home till later so he wouldnt have to see it. Im sure it would have put him in a mood. Thankfully he didnt see them. Ugh...Im really not bitter, I just dont like being reminded everytime I run into her. BUT at least she is blissfully happy with SOMEONE ELSE NOW!!
OK, just had to get that out....lol
H and I are making plans to go on vacation with the kids! Looking forward to it soooo much!
Uh...do you think she has some issues re: parading this about? FIB
Oh, Im sure she has issues....:) but I wont go there!
Is she with someone elses' husband?
no, not this time around. She has actually got a good guy who is is close to 40, never been married and no kids....but he is a friend of my H's family and also my brother in laws brother....so if she marries him, she will be my neices new aunt....ugh
man kissak... that is "too close to home" for me. you are one awesome woman!
glad things are good.
keep focused on YOU and what matters.
so happy for you..
Thank u Cagz....
Yesterday when my H came in from work he was acting odd...not as happy or something...I asked him was he ok and he said yes, but it wasnt believable, so I let it go....I had to take my Daughter to her art show at school...so me and her left just a few minutes after my H got home.....well, there was the OW and her man walking hand in hand again down my road! Ugh....this time I knew they would see me since they were walking facing me...so, being the person I am...I waved...at her man
He waved first though...I didnt even look at her....but out of the corner of my eye, I saw her throw her hand up to wave.....
Now I know what was wrong with my H and why he wouldnt say anything to me about it. Im sure it hurts him to see that, cuz it hurt me to see my H with her...
I really dont think she is trying to showcase herself...I truly believe that her and her man are just exercising because they both have put on some weight...hehee
I should have known that was why my H came home in his mood and shut the door behind him...he never shuts the front door...I wondered why he had.
Oh me....why cant she just move?
Kissak, was it your H who broke things off with OW?
Actually it was her that broke it off...she didnt like that we were still friends and that we talked alot to each other....she broke it off because she didnt trust him.
UGH!! Just went to the alt world....she of all people, the OW wants to be my friend on fb!!! WHY? Does she think that because I waved at her, well her bf, that I want to be her friend now?
Too weird....she has lost her mind.
Got to get her out of my head...even had a dream(nightmare) about her last night....I dreamed I went to whisper something in my friends ear about seeing the OW and her man yesterday and after I whispered it and looked at my friend it was actually the OW that I was talking to!!!!!!! She just looked at me and smiled!! UGH! gross
Kissak, how frustrating for you...
Just went to the alt world....she of all people, the OW wants to be my friend on fb!!! WHY?
WTHeck...what's wrong with this woman? She is totally screwed up. You should just feel sorry for her, she is a pathetic creature.
The nightmares...I had those for a few years after my H's first affair 20 years ago. That was horrible...I would be dreaming that she was back with H, that he left me again.....I hated those....eventually they became less frequent and then they disappeared all together.
Hang in there, it will get better
i hope you did not accept her friend request!!
and hey you have a fb?? hmmmm..
Ok so your x.. be wise. and she is a bimbo.
Thanks Mila...it is frustrating!
And Cagz....NO WAY! I did not accept her friend request....She is not my friend nor do I want her to think that I want to be hers. I know people make mistakes that affect other peoples lives...we are only human and I do forgive her but no one says I have to be her friend! Im sure me hitting ignore will give her the point.....and yes I am in the alt word....look me up! If you can find me....I am friends with Mishka...and a few others. Ill try to find you!
Hey kissak, you can find me on the alt under Mila...you will know it's me by the friends I have
BTW - I admire that you have found it in yourself to forgive this pathetic OW...I have forgiven my H, but I'm still working on the OW. I wonder if these women have any remorse for what they have done...if they did it would be easier to forgive.
I made friends with OW on FB before I knew she was OW. I have left her on there but am thinking of disconnecting her now... haven't made up my mind. It does make me upset when I see her posts, and pics... and it doesn't do me any good to think about her like this. Plus, H is still posting to her, but he keeps it private now so I can't see... like I can't figure that one out. At least he's not putting it on there publicly like before.
It's bad enough to see her on fb, never mind walking down the road, and have her in your H's face. UGH. I feel for you. You're one step down from H having gotten OW pregnant... having to see her frequently. Yuck. She sounds like she hasn't gotten to the point of acceptance if she thinks you two will be friends... pretty much what my H's OW thinks, saying to me on a fb post "I'm not your enemy" - well, I'd hate to think what you do to your enemies then, if I'm a "friend" - LOLOL.
Thanks Mila...I will look for ya!
Passenger...I can not even imagine what it would have been like if my H had gotten the OW pregnant....thats a thought Id rather not think about...
She is definitely messed up if she thinks I wanna be her friend....she was my H's friend on fb at one time but hasnt been for a while....Its bad enough I see her posts to some of my friends.
Now that I know what marriage is all about, the way to read love lang. and all, he won't give me that chance. Of course he can't do anything until he forgives me for his pain. But you see, he NEVER told me he wasn't happy. He assumed after 13 yrs, i could read him. We were starting to build a house together, why would i have reason to believe that there were problems? He should have filled me in a couple of years ago. I could have worked at fixing my marriage then. That is why I am having a hard time. I feel like he wants me to feel the pain he must have felt all those years.
I am going back through some of your old threads to familiarize myself with what you went through back then. BOY, does this sound familiar. H never told me he was unhappy, and seems to want to punish me for hurting him.
Have you re-read some of your old posts? Not sure if you need to, think about it. Do you need to be reminded of what transpired, what you did that was wrong and what you did that was right?
I ask because I busted my D in 2005 after 2 years of H and OW - and then fell into many of the same patterns - lack of quality time spent with H being the biggest. I wonder if I would be here again if I had kept reminding myself of what happened in the past. Then again, if this is truly MLC, probably nothing I could have done... just a thought for you.
Thank you passenger for reminding me....actually I have been thinking alot lately about NOT falling back into the same patterns. I have found that its too easy to do the same things as before.
need more info i was friends with someone from here on there.
hmm how can i find u?
need more info i was friends with someone from here on there.
Are you fans of DB? If not become a fan and let us know you have done that.
I think I found you cagz//hope so anyway....someone directed me your way....I am a fan of db.
man u have lost me.
i just looked on fb at the db and there were only 4 friends. and none from nc
if we were allowed to share email i would not be just sittinrnd in such hot mail.. ya know?
I agree, it's hard to figure out who is who on the alt.
kissak - Am I right in assuming that you are my newest friend on alt? Just making sure lol
Yes Mila...youre right!
Cagz I know what ya mean, hmmm....and I thought I had found you on there...If not I added someone, lol. I couldnt find anyone from NC either! lol
WEll, last night wasnt so great...I guess you could say me and my H had our first back together "discussion" as he would say. I would say it was a fight...haha.
We went to my son's ballgame last night. We havent been so happy that our son is being keep in the dugout so much and only being able to hit once if that while other kids hit 3 or 4 times. Of course this is his first year on this league, but he has been playing for 4 years, 3 of them being with this coach. Well, that last few games my H gets so mad about it BUT wont say anything to the coach....he gets so mad he says he will take our son home and he wont play at all for this team...some of the kids can be ugly to if our son doesnt make a good play. Now, Our son has a very good attitude about it all and it shows, even the coachs will reward him for it...I understand there are better players than him, but he is there to have fun and to be given the opportunity to play and learn. Well, last night I was working the concession stand and didnt really get to watch the game...my H did though. He was NOT happy once again, but was so mad he wouldnt talk to the coach....so I had made up my mind that I was going to go and just mention nicely to the coach that I would like to see my son play a little more....
so, I waited patiently for the other parents to leave, I didnt see my H around, so I talked to the coach...told him how i would like to see son play more because he was beginning to not wanna play if he didnt get to hit any...coach understood, of course he made lots of excuses too...anyway, I see my H standing in the distance waving for me to come to him and I said to him "hold on". Well, he walked away....my conversation with the coach lasted maybe 5 min....a couple of other mothers with the same concern approached him to about their kids.
We are just moms who come out to watch our kids play...not sit in the dugout! OK anyway...sorry so long, but Im getting to the point, lol.....
I walked out to the truck where my H was...we had drove separately...he was furious with me!!! MAD more like it! I wanted to know why! He said he werent going to discuss it right then...ok, so I walked away, got in my vehicle and went home....waited for him to get there...stayed out of his way till he cooled off....of course by then I was mad...mad that he was mad at me for speaking up when he wouldnt do it!!
Well, finally I went to him and asked why he was so mad at me....of course by then he just says "its fine, nothing, it doesnt matter know, Im over it" UGH! That ticked me off! Then I told him that if it didnt matter I wouldnt be there having the discussion with him. He then began to raise his voice at me about WHY....Of course I got upset, because I hate confrontation! Hate it with a passion....anyway...this is one of my things too...I have never been someone to speak up when I think something is wrong, but since my separation I have learned to change that and now I do speak up when I dont agree with something especially when it has to do with my kids....trust me, I was nervous talking to that coach, but I walked away proud that I did it....then my H has to shoot me down....I told him that too...then after saying more stuff he just said he was proud of me for speaking up.
BUT the fact of the matter was he was MAD because I overstepped him. Thats what he said....I overstepped him. He was mad because I spoke up before he could get it together to do it! Honestly I dont think he would have ever said anything!
I dont think I did a thing wrong...the only thing I hated was that I got upset at my H and cried in front of him, but dangit, I was hurt that he didnt back me up!!!
I did say that I was sorry we were fighting about it and he said we werent fighting, just discussing....ok whatever! Anyway, by then he is over it and wanting to act like everything is fine and if I am mad at him! uh, yea, just a bit....he did mention that if I thought we were never going to get mad at each other I needed to know that things like that were going to happen...I did remember to NOT walk away from a discussion because that was one of his biggest complaints when he left....that I would always walk away....I did walk back and forth for a little while when talking and he would say that I better not walk away...he was thinking I would but I didnt...I stayed and stood up for myself!!!
There!! I just have to get over the fear of him getting mad at me....my first thoughts go to him leaving me if he gets mad....just a trust issue for me to work through...
wow, what I night...even worse, my kids knew something was going on...I had to assure them that everything was fine.
Well, maybe this was just a test....one of many Im sure.
Sorry this was so long, but had to get it out so I would quit thinking about it!!
I hate when people are mad at me....hate it!! and my H was being such a butt...;)
OK done venting!
I assistant coach my son's baseball team and we are all about having all the boys play. My son is 9.
My only constructive criticism is that, perhaps, unless I missed it above, I would have told H that I was going to go over and speak with the coach 'if you are uncomfortable doing so.' Overall, I don't think you did anything wrong outside of that.
More importantly, overcoming fears like this is a part of the growth that comes from this whole horrible mess we go thru. Eg, many men are afraid of their wives. Here..if you are an LBH, many men allow their WAW's to go out and doodle other men out of fear of drawing a boundary. No more.
Anyway, similar to asking for directions, we men like to figure things out ourselves. Asking directions when WE are driving undercuts us (explaining this tongue in cheek). Talking to the coach undercut him and he got P.O.'d.
I think you are fine.
FIB
Kissak, you did good. Nobody likes to fight (I hate it too) but sometimes these "negotiations" are necessary.
IMO your H acted like a typical male (at least my H is like that). He was way too upset with the coach that he didn't want to talk to him right away for fear of blowing up. He likely wanted to calm down first (smart). When you did beat him to it (He was still heated) he took it out on you. When he calmed down, it wasn't a big deal...
I'm glad that you are forcing yourself to make changes and are not walking away from confrontations.
(((hugs)))
FIB....I know my H would have probably told me not to go talk to him...but in my mind it was because he just didnt want to bring it up to him. AFter him getting mad so many times and not doing anything about it, I had decided I was going to. It wasnt to undermine my H, but just something i would have done anyway. It was about standing up for my Son...really had little to do with my H. But I see your point. My H said he told me not to talk to the coach, but I dont recall him saying that last night...maybe a couple of weeks ago...but I really didnt expect the blow up...but most likely it had alot to do when hitting him with something when he was already mad....
Mila, I think if I had waited and done it when my H wasnt mad, like at the next practice he wouldnt have cared...But I would have probably lost my nerve and was ready to say something then.
But like you said after it was over and he werent mad anymore, it was no big deal.
This is something I have to deal with now...My H never got mad like this before our separation. This is a new side of him. Not sure how to handle it. I almost feel like Im just gonna have to be the quiet little wifey for a while. Let my H do the talking. Sorry though after 3 years of doing it on my own, its alot to get use to again.
Thanks for the encouragement though!
I agree with FIB...your husband maybe felt like he looked "less than a man" with you doing the deed for your son instead of him...but then again, he may have been having issues...I know this one too...my H will avoid confrontation and most cases I do also, buy like you there are times and situations where I find it hard not to stand up and be heard...
Maybe next time, if it happens, you might just mention before the game that if your son doesn't get to play much you want for you both to talk to the coach...then add if he isn't comfortable doing that you are because your son is involved and that is just what a mother will do...but tell him you would like him to be with you atleast...united front!
imLIN, I cannot believe you are still here! Good that you stay here to help others go through what you've been through. You're a good person.
Blessings,
TOH
The TOH...actually I just pop in from time to time...I try and follow some that were here when I was going through my journey...speaking of those...direct me to your latest thread and I will take a look...
Things are good with me and my family...
Take care, Lin
Thanks for stopping by Lin...
Its easy to see what I could have done different after the fact...lol, I learned a lesson that day. Funny thing, H was completely over it by bedtime....Me, I didnt get over it that fast!
I had a great weekend though. BUSY, but great! We went to a family day at H's work...had our FIRST family pic made since 2006 when all this began!! Felt good....then went to enjoy our son's ball game, which surprisingly he PLAYED more in that day! lol...guess my talk with the coach paid off...haha...my Son did great! He did better than all the 2nd year players! I was sooo proud of him. So was my H
Just remember to keep your expectations(for son) for Little League baseball at zero and you will be fine. LOL!
lol...thanks I will do that
My H texted me a little while ago to say that we need to get child support stopped....if thats what I want. Funny he was asking me if thats what I want...guess he still thinks that I have some doubts. He also wanted my checking info so he could start giving me some $$ for bills.
I found out we have to go file paperwork to get CS stopped and they will give us a court date for it. Not thrilled about that, but that is what we have to do to get it stopped now. Once in the beginning when he came home a couple of years ago, we had it stopped, but didnt have to go to court. Dont know what the difference it now. BUT of course we had lots of problems that year with tax stuff because the state was saying he didnt pay his CS.
Anyway...gotta start getting all that taken care of.
Just curious...if he is going to "give" you money for bills and stuff why not just leave the child support and add to that if needed.
I still get my support...but mainly because it keeps bill collectors from getting it as child support take first place.
One day....maybe!
well....the same amount that he pays for CS will still go into my account plus more for bills...I guess the thought of Child support for him means still dealing with the past.
Also, he is horrible with money! I will be giving him an allowance every 2 weeks....HIS choice and idea! Which is fine with me. I would have thought he would have learned to manage his money better after 3 years.
I would rather wait to be sure he is home for good, but I got to stop thinking that way. I really dont think he would be going through the hassles of courts to have it stopped if he werent sure he was going to stick around for good. Just that trust thing for me again....
Imlin....how come you never stopped the child support? How long have you and your H been back together? I dont remember. I understand the part about the bill collectors, but is that the only reason?
Kissak, so happy to see that things are moving in the right direction for you
It sure looks like he is committed if he lets you give him an allowance lol
Thanks Mila.....we'll see about how committed he is when he is broke after the first week cuz he spent all his money on "stuff" haha
You may not remember but my H went on a bit of a spending spree, new cars, home theaters systems, new clothes...well he had to get everything new because when he left he took nothing but his shaving kit! and he did all this with NO income...I warned some of the creditors not to extend his credit but they did not listen, I told them not to call me when he didn't pay...one had the nerve (BMW financial) and reminded them that they chose not to listen to me and I had a legal seperation so...sorrrryyyyy!
We have been back together for going on 4 yrs...I keep the child support because it is does protect me and my son financially...if it were not in place those creditors would be taking all the money and I would not have it...so as my personal protection I have the child support and the legal seperation in place...until such time as H decides to deal with his past financial issues...I didn't cause them, contribute to them, and refuse to suffer for them.
Lin
Kissak - wow, he's asking you for allowance?:) I hope that works out well. I know the finances can be a huge stress. My H has also never been great with money - he is the spender and I am the saver and both of us have magnified that during his MLC (mine out of self preservation and trying to protect our kids as our finances are still very much joint).
My hopes are that he will if we R finally agree to a budget at least. I'm sure in his MLC mind that is "controlling" but I just see it as being a responsible adult.
Are you able to work through hurts/feelings of the past few years with your H yet?
Sounds like a good plan Lin....
My H ran up a couple of credit cards...which we both did during our separation...basically just trying to survive. Not too much unnessary spending on my part, but maybe a little bit on H.
Yes, an allowance! I love it! He sat down and figured out how much spending he does and its ridiculas! SO, he decided to hand over funds to me...figured out how much he needs to get things like gas, food, cigs, sodas...things like that. Which when he saw how much he spends on it all, he has decided to cut back....quitting smoking would be nice, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon.
Trusting Faith....Im not sure if I have worked through hurts/feelings yet. I try not to dwell on it too much. I dont know if that will hurt me or help me yet. Im thinking I just need to make sure we are on a good track back before I talk about it too much with him. Maybe down the road I will deal with it, but for now, Im dealing with the reconciling part, thats hard enough
Every now and then when I pass the house of someone he was talked about having an affair with (which he denied), I do let my self dwell on it, but then try to think about somthing else. We all make mistakes and sometimes hurt those we love, that is the only thing that helps me sometimes.
Kissak,
Honestly, my H and I did not discuss too much when he came back...little things here and there but for the most part it was put behind us...talking about how hurt I was would have only laid more guilt on him...him feeling more guilt would not have been good for either of us...if something was really gnawing at me I would bring it up calmly and if he chose to talk we did, if not I let it go and worked through it the best I could...sometimes coming here put things in persective for me...after all I was over the roller coaster ride and on the recovery ride...really, helped me be greatful and focus on the positive...
move forward and avoid looking back!
Lin
I had a good Mother's Day with my Kids....and my Mom
H cooked breakfast for me and the kids that morning...he spend the day saturday fixing my garden for me. Gave me a card from him and the kids. Then yesterday he gave me a computer program I had been wanting for work...he tried to get it the weekend but couldnt.
We went to visit his stepmom and her mother on Sunday, but neither was home...we left their gifts...we called and left messages....still havent heard back from them. He was upset about it. I dont blame him. Evidently they all went out of town with his half sister and didnt tell him they wouldnt be home. He was highly ticked off about it! Then he tried to call his real mom and both of her numbers had been disconnected...she lives in another state, so we couldnt see her and now have no idea how to reach her. I hate that he really doesnt have a great mom to share this day with. He hasnt talked with is real mom in over a year. Its to the point that I wonder if she is still alive?
Well, I am waiting on H to get here. He is off today and is helping me at work with a few things. Things are going good. He had therapy yesterday...all he said was that it went good.
I asked yesterday if he would go to the clerks office to see about filling paperwork about stopping child support....He wants me to do it....Im thinking he is a little embarrassed to do it. He knows the clerk of court and Im sure he doesnt want to go do this. BUT, Im going to ask him again if he will. After all...he is off till thursday
Kissak,
Hey I just saw today that your H has returned home again. I am so happy for you and this defineltly sounds a lot more like a serious move back home (unlike the many times prior).
I know you had your H bounce back and forth a lot like mine did too. But this really sounds so much better for you guys this time.
My H and I have been back for about 2years now and living together again for about 1 and 1/2 yrs. It is good you made him wait a bit before moving back this time.
The reconciliation process is not easy but it is worth it. I still sruggle with completely forgiving him for everything even though I try really hard - I will still have some reserved anger about past situations (now i just deal with them better). And one other thing is to keep reminding your self of the DB rules we learned here as they will keep us focused on our new reconciled paths. I also struggel with trust from time to time. But he has gotten better about reassureing me.
Hope all goes well with your Reconciliation and I am just soooo happy to here of it.
TIPPER
Thank you so much Tipper! Your right though, it isnt easy at all. Like today....his attitude sometimes really gets to me. Why must he get an attitude with me about some things? No biggie, but dang!!! lol
Glad to hear your reconcilation is going good. I understand the struggle to completely forgive and also with the trust issue. Today while he was at my place of work, he was behind the building working on something, well I saw some girl that he dated between break ups with me and the OW. She was with her boyfriend....he didnt see her till she left. I saw him staring at her vehicle....after about 5 min he asked me if I just had a customer...I said Nope, but I knew what he was wanting to know. I just didnt say anything about it. But it makes me wonder about trusting him....I still struggle very much with that.
Just stopping by to say hi. Looks like things are progressing well with your H. So good to see
Thanks for your support (((hugs)))
You know, when they come back, you hope that they have faced all their old issues, such as talking to the coach and manning up and going to the clerk of courts and asking for something. But, I'm sure that they don't face all of their problems. LOL
Does he tell you why he feels the way he does when he does these things? (or rather, doesn't do these things?)
It seems to always be centered around other people's perceptions of him.
Thanks Mila!
MH.....No, he doesnt tell me why he feels the way he does...Im assuming he does tell his therapist though, or at least I hope he does
You know, after my H first left me, I was shocked at how many people were actually getting divorces in my community...seemed everyone was splitting up and having affairs...seemed to be the going thing! Still, its all around me. I hate it. I dont understand it....well, I do, but come on people...get some counseling when its starts to get bad, before its over!
I have a few friends going through the same thing. One inparticualur....she works for me. She has asked her H for counseling for the both of them....he refuses, and says she can leave if she wants to, but he isnt leaving and She IS NOT taking the kids with her! She doesnt know what to do and here I am....trying to go on my own experience to help her. I for one, am NOT good on giving advice...thats why I read alot of threads but I dont give much advice.
Im just saying how much I hate divorce...what it does to the kids. Her son is 11 and is SO VERY ANGRY. Disrespectful, hateful....everyday I see this. He treats his mom the way her H treats her. Yesterday he got here....in a GOOD mood, first question was "are we moving out?". His face fell with sadness when she said NO. This child who has so much anger, was in a cheerful mood for the first time in forever....I can only assume it was because he would be getting out of a sitch where his dad disrespects his mom...and therefore he does too just to make his dad happy with him.....?
Hate, just hate what it does to the kids....
Well, today I am feeling a little bit unappreciated by my H. Actually I feel it more than a little bit at times.
Lately my H will ask me to do something, and without thinking twice I will do it for him. All I ask for is a "thank you". Well, today I did something for him....I had to close up my shop to run an errand for him that NEEDED to be done ASAP. I didnt want to do it, but I did for him. Closed up my shop...risked losing a sale or 2...but I didnt complain to him about it. All I wanted was a thank you. Didnt get one. He even snapped at me when he called to give me an address that I needed....ugh....how do I approach him without him getting defensive, or him saying "i thought I did thank you"? I do lots of things for him because I want to. Just a thank you is all I want in return. DO I say anything to him about it? or just let it go and know that maybe he is appreciative...just not remembering to say it?
We did go out Saturday night. It was nice. Went to a sports bar and grill with some of my friends. Stayed there till 1am. He of course had alot to drink as did my friends...I was the DD. He got a text while we were there. Told me it was my buddy's girlfriend. I didnt know who he was talking about until he told me who the buddy was....then it took me a few to figure out he was talking about the exOW! He calls her bf my buddy. Why? well because this buddy wanted to date me once...Im in no way interested in this guy...never was...but H likes to do this. Nevermind he was texting the OW...she wanted a paper he had. well, at least he wasnt hiding it from me. She still talks to him when she wants something. ugh
Speaking of the exOW...I went to the store last week, saw her car there and decided I would go to the store the next day...trying to avoid running into her. Well the next day I go to the store, and I run into her anyway! It caught me so off guard that I stuttered at my Son when I was talking to him....I absolutely hate running into her...nothing was said and we pretended NOT to have seen each other.
Also found out my H said that my "buddy" was suggested by me to be his friend on fb....I quickly told him that I hadnt suggested him as a friend to anyone, but i did quickly say that the exOW tried to befriend me on there too and I quickly hit IGNORE!!!
Well, just wanted to get this off my chest....other than that...things seem good I guess...just a few glitches of past behaviours coming out with the unappreciativeness. Wondering how to approach if at all.
kissak...I see a lot of negative 'karma' here. It doesn't 'feel safe'
DO I say anything to him about it? or just let it go and know that maybe he is appreciative...just not remembering to say it?
Of course you do. That's called communication. Why should you bury your feelings. The key, as we all know, is not to attack, but, discuss using phrases like, "I feel pain when"....and not say 'you'.
"I was more than happy to help out this weekend but I feel hurt when it appears that I am not appreciated (or taken for granted)."
Good luck Kissak. Looks like much work still ahead.
FIB
Kissak,
I am just curious, I hope you don't mind... but, what is it that made you decide it was OK for your H to come home? Did he ask to come home? Was his personality back to the old H? Did he miss you? Did he not like being on his own? Did he like being on his own? Was it too expensive? Did or does he disrespect you to people? To the children? Did he before and the attitude then changed?
My WH goes back and forth ALOT, and I just wonder how much change you see when they come back, and is the change different this time than previous times, or I don't know what I'm asking!! Any insight if you can say something, would be most gratefully appreciated.
Hope you don't mind.
- SCh
Ok thanks FB...thats my thing...I know I should communicate this too him...but doing it without it seeming like iM attacking him is what Im trying to figure out. Thank you for your suggestion...but why do you feel bad karma or the unsafe feeling? Just wondering.
SCh... I guess what made me feel it was safe for my H to come back was that we were getting along so well. I saw a difference in him than the multiple times before. He did miss me. Of course it was simplier to come back. He also told someone he was tired of being stupid about it. It was very expensive with him on his own. He had no money, was always alone too. I dont think he liked being on his own. He never disrespected me to other people at all or to the children. He came from a divorced family where the stepmom and his dad raised him. The stepmom Im SURE said negative things about his mom that has affected his relationships with both to this day. So I am positive he would NEVER say anything negative about me to the kids...
I can say the biggest changes was seeing the OW out of the picture more than ever. Of course they still speak occasionally...but he wasnt "all about her" like before. It was like he was finally over the withdrawal and addiction of her. I dont know if that helps you any, but I hope some of it will....and of course I dont mind
lol....guess I jumped the gun on the thank you.....just got a text from my H that said "thank you".
Patience...still something to work on for me.
Kissak,
Excellent that you got a thank you for doing him a favour. Now is the most opportune time to gently discuss with him that you felt your efforts were appreciated because he took the time to send you that txt. Tell him that when you do go out of your way, as you did today, and receive no acknowledgment it causes you to be resentful. Make sure that you end your little {as this does not need to be a long drawn out discussion} talk on an up-beat by repeating how something as little as a thank you txt made it worth while for you to help him out.
As far as stopping the CS. This is his deal. Don't try to shield him. This is part of taking responsibility for his past choices. Let him go get the paperwork started.
Hang in there.
*hugs*
~ swl
Thank you swl....when he sent the thank you note I said "welcome" as we each do sometimes....he replyed "thats all your gonna say, lol". Well, I couldnt help it, but I replyed back "Well, I was wondering when I was going to get a thank you! lol"
He replyed "sorry I got busy".
I understood. I guess what it is, is that Im waiting for something to go wrong with us.
And your right about the CS. I told him the other day that I wanted him to take care of it. But, he again said he wanted ME to do it. Telling him that this needs to be him taking responsibility for his past choices would be very true, but I think if thats the way it come out, he would disagree...saying it was both of us....so, I will just DO nothing. If he wants it done, he can go do it!!! Its not bothering me none to keep having the CS taken out of his check....it will still be going into MY account either way!!!
But I will discuss lightly about how I getting a thank you makes it worth while to help him
"Well, I was wondering when I was going to get a thank you! lol"
He replyed "sorry I got busy".
But I will discuss lightly about how I getting a thank you makes it worth while to help him
Don't you think that you already made that point?
OldPilot,
I do not believe she has made that point {sorry for discussing you as if you aren't in the room, Kissak. ;-)} She acknowledged this thank you for her efforts but has not let him know that it isn't always so and how it makes her feel. If they are to continue to move forward they have to discuss how she needs to be treated as well as how he does. This is a step in the right direction to gently recap what happened today and how she feels.
~ swl
Point made.
I think the way to go about it is to Thank him for his "thank you" and
let him know that it isn't always so and how it makes her feel
I understand that she said "welcome"
Kissak, how long has your H been considering and then been home, this time? (I tried reading the thread!). How do you know when it's time to stop the CS? Very tough one!
SC....My H had been considering it for a couple of months before he mentioned it to me. Then after that it was 5 months before he moved back in.
I feel like its a good time to stop the CS...if we ever get around to it that is
Even if we did stop it, and things didnt work out, I could have it started again, with a possibility of getting more from him....we were up for a review anyway, and I know he has gotten several raises since it was started. Wouldnt be good for him at all...but hopefully we are not going there. HE did start having an additional amount going into my checking account starting tomorrow to help with the bills. I actually like him having his own account and me mine....that puts more responsibility on him and I dont stress out about how much he is spending....his problem. Werent like that before, we had a joint checking and I was always fussing I guess, because he would spend and sometimes too much that our account would get messed up.
Thanks Swl and OP....I think I handled the thank yous in a round about sort of way...we'll see how it worked. After dinner the other night my son got up, left his plate and walked into the living room...I said to my son " Son, I would like for you to put your plate in the sink and saying Thank you to mommy would make me feel sooo good that I cooked you a great dinner! And by helping me, it helps mommy not to stay in the kitchen sooo long, so I can spend time with all of you". He said thanks and put his plate in the sink....My H followed him but gave me a kiss on the cheek along with the "thank you that was good".
How'd I do? lol
Kissak - nicely done with your son...I think that you've sent two messages at once with that one
Kissak,
You did quite well with your son and your H followed his lead. Very nice. Don't assume that your H took that message and applied it to situations where you go out of your way to help him and how he does or doesn't respond to you afterward. If you feel that he isn't responding the way you need him to you will have to revisit this. If he continues to neglect thanking you, you will begin to hold onto a resentment. There is no room in a relationship for festering resentment.
Even in piecing you have to take care of yourself first and others second. If you are a mess emotionally you will not be in prime condition to take care of the others.
You are doing so great. I am thinking good thoughts and sending prayers for the continued restoration of your family.
*hugs*
~ swl
Thank you Mila and swl.
I agree, 2 messages were sent at once. Also, you are right swl, there is no room for resentment! I will definitely have a discussion with him if he didnt take note this time
Looking forward to the weekend...I think, although I feel like my little girl is growing up way too fast. She got in her 8th grade graduation pics yesterday...she looks so grown. Tomorrow night is her 8th grade Dance (prom). Her "date's" mom called me last night to discuss the corsage and picking up my daughter and taking her and her son out to eat before the dance...I have to get off early tomorrow to help her get ready. I hear the next 4 years are gonna really fly by
Gosh, Im getting old (LOL) Then hopefully my son will have his last scheduled ballgame...then we have lots of intentions to work on painting in the house....
Well, had a wonderful weekend! My daughter had her 8th grade dance Friday night...she looked so beautiful and grown. I was so proud of her. Her "date" and his parents came to pick her up and take her out to eat. She was SO NERVOUS!! Funny thing though was when she came home after the dance, I believe she was done with her "date". She said he followed her around all evening and wouldnt go away! lol....guess she just got a taste of what it will be like when she is dating for real. haha. She had a good time otherwise!
My son told me this weekend that his dad told him the exOW was moving!!!! I had to hear this from my 9 year old. I asked why his dad told him this. He said they had stopped by the place where she works to give her some old newspapers....I guess to help with moving....then he told my son what the newspapers were for. I knew she had asked for them last week, but didnt know why. SO finally she is moving!!! yay....but Im thinking she will just be moving in with her boyfriend...which lives on the otherside of the street
Maybe I can be hopeful and think they are both moving to a bigger place somewhere else! That would be great! I want to ask my H, but Im thinking I will find out sooner or later without asking him.
When do they ever just go away????
H came home last night very aggravated. Said it wasnt work, just other stuff....?? I asked to be sure he was not aggravated with me for some reason. He said "no, Im not aggravated with you and if I was, I probably wouldnt tell you I was".
??? Having some issues lately. I noticed on his fb a comment he made after he saw the exOW last week. He still has issues with her 2 years after breaking up with her.
Well, this saturday is our anniversary. 17 years. Wondering how it will go. Will I get an I love you on that day? I guess I should keep my expectations low. Have no idea what to get for him. I would like a new wedding ring myself (haha) doubt that would happen, but I can wish...havent been able to wear mine since i have lost so much weight.
Kissak...keep your expectations at the appropriate level. Sorta a negative statement but still mostly true:
G-d bless those who expect nothing for they will never be disappointed.
Enjoy life and accept with grace what the weekend brings. In advance, I hope this Saturday finds you in a better place than you were a year or more ago.
Hugs.
FIB
Kissak,
While I agree that there is a time and place for lower expectations you also have to be very careful that you do not deny yourself your love language. This is once again where resentment can creep in. It may be time to seek help from a Marriage Counselor as the two of you work towards living happily and successfully together.
Have you checked into getting your wedding ring re-sized? That shouldn't be too expensive and something you can take care of yourself. If that isn't acceptable have you suggested to him that you would like a new wedding ring? Sometimes we, as women, expect grand gestures that will never cross the man's mind because we are wired differently.
You are wondering how Saturday will go: Have you had a conversation with him about the day? Make plans together to make it special.
*hugs*
~ swl
Thanks FIB and swl....
Swl, I have mentioned the wedding ring sitch to him in the past...I really just want a new one...to symbolize our new marriage....or maybe Im just being selfish, I dont know, lol. I did try on my grandmother's wedding set that she gave me. Its very old, but finally fits! So, I may just start wearing those. I also agree that I need to talk to him about the love language, but this is where it gets hard for me...not really talking about it, but just bringing it up. We havent really talked about what we are going to do this weekend, but he did tell my son that they have to go shopping before the weekend...so, Im wondering what is on his mind. .....no expectations though. ha, I still have to get him something....no idea what thats gonna be!! Any suggestions??? !!!! lol
Kissak,
I understand about the ring thing. That is something I too have been thinking I would like if we R. My H "lost" his ring (the man who prior to MLC almost never took it off) a couple of months pre-bomb. I am now wearing just an anniversary band and not my wedding/engagement set (though I do constantly rethink this).
I think new rings would be a great way to celebrate recommittment.
Me too trustingfaith
I actually went out a couple of weeks ago and bought a very inexpensive anniversary band just to wear when we go out. It would be nice to start over with new rings though...although the other ones are sentimental...I may just check into getting them resized cuz they are waaaay to big for me now!! Which is a good thing
Hi Kissak, hope everything is well with you. BTW it's not very expensive to have your wedding bands re-sized and polished. I did it last year and I think the jeweler only charged me $25 for each.
Hi Mila...things are going well with me. Thanks for the info about getting my bands resized. I think I can manage that cost! lol.
Well, My 17th wedding anniversary was on Saturday. I got my H a card...a funny one. Didnt want to get a serious one. He didnt get me one, which is ok. I know how he is about that stuff. He had an expense come up and couldnt get me anything, but said he would be able to next weekend. We (kids too) went to town that day. Got the stuff to finish my garden, went out to eat for dinner. So, I enjoyed spending the time with them for that day. Finally got my living room painted! yay! So, it was a pretty good weekend.
On Saturday, we passed a house on the way to town, just about 2 miles from our house. My H said he saw that my exbf got a new truck?????? I said "what"...he was talking about the exOW's bf! I told him to NOT call him that, that I was never interest in him....he likes to pick on me about that, then precedes to call the exOW my friend, that she had moved to this house! I said that she was NOT my friend and NOT to call her that. Im not sure why he feels the need to joke about them to me. Maybe if he thinks he is being funny, I wont get my feelings hurt??? I dont know. Kinda immature, but anyway....the OW finally does NOT live down my road anymore.....just a little further down the street. I still have to pass her house everyday and it is right on the road and so easy to see. Luckily for me, I dont have a habit of looking at that house, but still find myself looking at her old house. I guess it wont be so bad now for me...although, now my H has to pass her house and he gets a better view of her BF's truck there....oh well.
Kissak,
Congrats on your 17th Anniversary! Please don't deny your feelings though about the lack of a card. You say you know how he is about stuff but if a card is something that is important to you now is the time to let him know the importance. You have your love language and if it isn't being nurtured resentment will come to call. You are in a rebuilding phase and honesty about your needs is so very important.
Excellent that you were able to get the living room painted as you have wanted to do. What colour did you paint it?
Have you done any considering about the two of you going to counseling together to learn how to rebuild successfully? That whole thing about the OW and the BF sounds like he was baiting you. That just isn't acceptable.
Congrats again on your 17th!
*hugs*
~ swl
Congrats on your 17th anniversary!. Glad that you and h are back together. My h came and went many times too.
Thanks swl...I painted my living room "mexican sand". It looks very nice. I know we need counseling together and I have asked him to talk to his counselor about it. He wont go until next week though. Honestly whenever in the past that my H gave me a card, it was always like not much thought was put into it. He just isnt a card person. I even got one once and he forgot to sign it! Well, that really didnt sit well with me then! I know, I need to talk to him about it. I will...just need to find a way to bring it up. He is doing so much for me lately around the house and working 3 jobs, getting up at 3 am in the mornings for one job, then to work at 8 for his main job....then teaching some nights. I do appreciate all his hard work.
Thanks Rysmom....17 long years! Especially the last 4....wow, dont even know if I should count them!
Happy Anniversary Kissak! Hope there will be many more to come!!!
Is the stuff your H is doing around the house "new" for him? Or, has he always done that kinda stuff for you?
I can see the dilema about the card...if he has always done that then you probably weren't surprised but would think that after all you two have been through that he would have thought about getting you one but we all know that men think differently about this stuff than we do...:)
Thank you confusedwife.....I werent surprised at all, but it would have been nice to get one. Honestly the most we ever did on our anniversarys were just go out to eat. We hardly ever did the gifting thing.
The stuff he is doing around the house isnt really new to him. We have always took pride in our home and have always done any work that needed to be done ourselves. Seems we always have a project or 2 going on. I will be glad to just sit and do nothing one weekend....waiting on my vacation, coming soon!!
I just signed up my son for his first year of camp! He's not really all that excited, but he is going. They are trying to get a spot for my daughter too...she has gone the last 3 years. I waited to late to sign them up and the spots got gone! SO PLEASE PRAY she can go too! Pray they find a spot for her!!!! I wont know what to do with both my kids gone for a week this summer! I guess some alone time for me and my H finally
I forgot to mention (in honor of my parents) they have been married 37 years today! My dad asked my mom to marry him when he got snowed in at her house. They had only been dating for 6 weeks! So glad it was at her house that he got snowed in! They have set quite an example for me and my sisters/brother. I can only hope for 20 more years for my own marriage. Nice to see they arent a statistic in this day and age.
So nice to hear about your parents, and about XOW... well, better she moved a bit down... but it would have been great if she had moved FAR away. Picture a sign in front of her house that says far, far away. LOL.
Congrats on your 17th, that was an accomplishment.
Thank you M&H
Yes, the land of Far Far Away
That would be nice.
Ok so I just decided to go do it...I went and got the modification form from the clerks office to stop the child support.....I know I should have made him do it, but the thing is he werent gonna....too embarrassed I guess....
Funny part.....we BOTH have to go appear in front of a judge.
H isnt excited about that part at all....finally having to face what he did.
Thanks Rysmom....17 long years! Especially the last 4....wow, dont even know if I should count them
They all count Kissak...everything counts the good and the especailly the bad.
Last night, my wife was talking about how long we had been together and she got upset about her time in MLC and the things she had done...or rather
the person she had done. (heh)
Anyway...
We are stronger for it. Her and I. Our marriage is more vital and tougher and I wouldn't have changed anything about it...well maybe...but buying a woodchipper and having a rock solid alibi wasn't in the cards.
Together for 10 years, some of those years are better than others, but I worry more about today and tomorrow, you know?
Hey, Kissak, enjoy the HECK out of each other while the kids are at camp.
Hi Kissak - Happy belated anniversary. I'm with Jack, when the kids are at camp you can have a bit of a 2nd honeymoon
but buying a woodchipper and having a rock solid alibi wasn't in the cards
LMAO - I love your black humor jack
Lol Jack! Thanks, you're right, I guess those years do count, just not as good years, for better and WORSE!
Oh, One week without kids! I dont even know what to expect! lol....I wish we could take some time off to go to the mountains....hmmm, maybe I will suggest that. His parents have a cabin there.......
Thanks Mila
Thank u
Lissak, You are one very blessed lady - a whole week with a restored husband - together just you and him - hmmmmmmm (cue the scmaltzy music!)
lalxx
Having a good day
my daughter graduated this morning from middle school...She will be a freshman this fall! Wow....sad to say my H wasnt there to share in it, but I took lots of pics! He had to work today and there was NO way he could get off. But my daughter had her grandparents there (my parents) to share in the day, along with my 2 sisters whose children were also graduating too!
Kissak,
Congrats to both Miss A and yourself on a job well done. Congrats to your boy as well for his excellent marks. {heh, read that over on FB} How fast they grow, eh?
*hugs*
~ swl
Thank you my friend! yes....they grow up very fast!!
Kissak - You must have been a proud mama today
Congrats to your D
Thank you Mila....I am very proud. My daughter has fought her own obstacles the last few years and has found ways to cope. I just love both my kids to death!
Hi all! Back from a busy weekend! Went great! Saturday we had my daughters bday party....lots of teenage girls showed up. Took 8 of them home with me! I must have been crazy!! Drama drama drama with that many different personalities in one house!! haha, but they all had fun in the end I hope! Lots of memories to take with them as they grow up!
Sunday, me and the kids went to a family reunion (H had to work) Enjoyed it. Went looking for a new vehicle after that. Mine has been giving me problems for a while now. It's 8 years old and paid for....thank goodnes, but not very dependable anymore. So....thinking about trading it in.
Just heard this morning of the passing of one of my classmates....very sad, he commited suicide last night. His wife and him had just gotten back together after a separation. They were starting to have problems again I hear....sad to hear about. He had 3 young kids....pray for them all
Just asking all my friends here for prayers for a little guy here in our area....he had what seemed like a minor bike accident a couple of weeks ago...and now is struggling for his life...just say a prayer for him and his family.
Thanks
Hi Kissak, just stopping by to say Hi...looks like things with your H are progressing as they should
So tragic about the little boy, my heart goes out to him and his family....I will pray for them and hope that he will pull through.
That's terrible about you classmate...so so sad....I feel for the family.
(((hugs)))
Thanks Mila...so much saddness going on around me lately...Thanks for the prayers for the little guy
I think that maybe I did a good thing today
Something that my H was NOT expecting. We have both been wanting new vehicles. He needs one worse than me, but mine is the "family" vehicle. The one we use when going places together. Mine is not that old really, just a 2002. I bought it brand new. Well, its been giving me problems lately...so I talked to my H about really wanting to trade it. He also wanted to do the same with his. So, the past couple of weeks we have both been looking.
After thinking about it the last couple of days...I thought that paying off a few debts would be better to do for me instead of making a new car payment every month for yearsssss! It may take me a year, but my car really isnt in that bad of shape. If something else breaks, well, I'll just fix it....
so, I texted my H today and told him that I thought he should go checking into getting that truck he wanted today. That I wanted him to get a new one first. He wanted to know why I was thinking that way now?? Well, I explained to him about the debts and he needing one first. I think he was in shock that I was putting his needs before my wants
lol He told me he wanted me to have one too, that he was working hard for the both of us. AND true, he is working one full time job, plus 4 part times.....its amazing that we see each other every night! Well, after all of this he sends me a text that says "love you". Now, I dont get those very often, but it did make me feel good. He still wont put "I" in front of it which I dont get, but Ill take it! lol I guess the "I" will come in time.
Plus, a little part of me, and I do mean a very small part, is trying to be safe, cuz if he decided to leave me ever again, I DO NOT want to be stuck with a car payment!!!! lol
Please don't deny your feelings though about the lack of a card. You say you know how he is about stuff but if a card is something that is important to you now is the time to let him know the importance. You have your love language and if it isn't being nurtured resentment will come to call. You are in a rebuilding phase and honesty about your needs is so very important.
TOTALLY agree. Healthy relationships acknowledge life's milestones. Why would you enable this if it bothers you or not say anything for ignoring your anniversary if you are, on paper, trying to 'piece'?
FIB
He didnt really Ignore our anniversary. Just the circumstances of the day of and before kept him from getting a card for me. I know he wanted to, but didnt. Really it doesnt bother me as much as you may think. As long as he acknowledged it I was happy. I think it was just last year, that he did get me a card and we werent even together then...
I did get 2 "I" love yous last night. May just be the fact that he is finally getting a NEW vehicle after years of driving his clunker! lol Will see if he keeps saying it. Im hoping so. I keep seeing more and more of my old H everyday. Just a "better old" husband than before.
Leaving for our first family vacation next week...well first one together in 4 years. Im really looking forward to it!!!
I keep seeing more and more of my old H everyday. Just a "better old" husband than before.
Leaving for our first family vacation next week...well first one together in 4 years. Im really looking forward to it!!!
Funny, how we want the good parts of our "old spouses" back but hope that somehow the bad parts or the parts we don't care for are not present anymore.
I find myself saying the same thing in my sitch "I see my old wife again" but I stop and think to myself, I don't want to go back to the old marriage. Hopefully, both of you have gone through enough pain and heartache and growth so as to avoid the same mistakes as before.
Sounds like you guys are on the right track. Have a great vacation.
Thank you
I definitely dont want to go back to the "old marriage" I try to remind myself that everyday when I catch MYSELF showing old habits. Its hard work for sure.
Kissak -
I definitely dont want to go back to the "old marriage"
Sometimes marriages suffer when people start taking each other for-granted. After what has happened, I'm sure those lessons were learned and you are aware of things that you have to watch...and that's a good thing. Your marriage will be stronger for it.
Have a great Vacation with your Old/New Husband
Thanks Mila!
We did have a great time on our vacation! Kids had fun, we had fun...just a great time together as a family again!
Now I do have to say after spending a week together with them all...its nice to be back at work...alone
LOL - sounds like you need a vacation to recover from your vacation. Kidding...so happy for you that you had a nice time. That must feel so good to be a family again.
Welcome back Kissak!
Glad you had a wonderful vacation!
Yes Mila...isnt that how it always is??? Needing a vacation after just having one! I was so wore out when we got back!
Thanks Seeking answers! I did have a wonderful time...now Im really beginning to look forward to next week....kids are going to camp alllll weeeekkkkk longggg! I love my kids to death, but I really need some ME time...oh and my H too. Im sure I will miss them though...I mean, a quiet house???
Ugh! Any ideas on how to handle confrontations with people any better?? I hate it! No, this doesnt involve my H, lol. BUT, I believe handling things like this better may help me with my H on some things.
Just having a bad couple of days at work.
Kissak....sorry about your bad days at work...I think that you can use a hug (((hugs)))
Thank you Mila
My days are getting better. Just people trying to make me feel bad because they want someone to blame other than themselves! ugh! lol
My kids went off to camp without any problems. They were VERY excited and my son said he was nervous too. Im sure they will have lots of fun. I miss them already.
My H spent the day together yesterday doing a little shopping and eating lunch together. Then he got a call about someone needing him to work a few nights this week for him, so I told him to go ahead. He did ask me first and we could always use the money, but that means I wont see but 2 nights this week! So I will be doing things at home to occupy my time. Like cleaning out my kids rooms while they are gone! That should take all week!!
Hope everyone is doing well!
Just checking in....
Went to Child support court yesterday. Finally got it stopped. It felt very weird to be in a courtroom full of parents who werent supporting their kids at all. So sad to see. We were the oddballs and the last case to be heard which was good in a way. I had to be sworn in and even had to get on the stand to say why I filed a motion and why I wanted it stopped. The judge wished us luck and that was it. Took all of 2 minutes to do! SO GLAD ITS OVER Though!!
The courtroom can be very intimidating.
So happy for you Kissak!!! Keep us posted on what is going on with you~~~
Thank you
Kissak, glad that things are going fine with you & your H....and I see that the child support is finally dealt with as well...it's all moving in the right direction. Wishing you all the best
Thank you Mila. Things really are going good. I did go away last weekend with a bunch of girlfriends....even though my H encouraged me to go and have a good time, I dont think he liked me going. HE seemed in a very ticked off mood on that Saturday, but of course wouldnt say why. But he was glad to see me come home. AND I had a great time with my friends!!
I found out today that my H's exOW broke up with her boyfriend (which was also my Brother in laws twin brother). SO although thats good that she is finally OUT of the family sorta, it sucks that she is on the prowl again. She better stay out of my marriage, thats all I got to say about that!!
Most days are good....but then again I have some days where I think My H learned absolutely NOTHING by our separation.
I hate it when something appears to be bothering him and I ask him about it and the famous "Im fine" is all I get.
Didnt have the best weekend. Couldnt get H out of the house to do anything. Of course he told me I could go if I wanted to get out of the house. Wanted him to go and do things with us and the kids....but that didnt happen. Sometimes I just want him to go for a walk with me....its like he isnt listening to my wants and needs.....gotta find a way to talk to him about this.
Just getting my thoughts out there. Journaling I guess.